2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Laugh Hard w/ Louis C.K. | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 169

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Make sure to watch Louis CK’s live streamed standup comedy special from Madison Square Garden on 1/28 @ 7:30pm EST on https://louisck.com/SPONSORS:- Get $15 off your first month’s subscription plus FREE shipping on EVERY order by going to https://Nutrafol.com/men and entering the promo code BEARS.It’s 2 Bears, 1 Cave and Bert Kreischer welcomes guest bear Louis CK! They discuss growing up, faith, and David Goggins. They trade their views on living and dying, testing amusement park rides, and old commercials and TV shows. Bert educates Louis on quicksand content, Louis recalls making Patrice O’Neal and David Letterman laugh, and Bert asks when Louis changed his comedy style. Louis talks about his fall from the peak and live streaming his next comedy special from MSG on his website. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

That was the first person to jump off the stratosphere. What the fuck does that mean? You know the stratosphere in Vegas? I thought you meant the actual one on the Earth. No! Hahaha! Hahaha! Like, you jumped off the stratosphere.

100%. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah cave. Tom's getting his Visectomy reversed. I'm sitting with Louis CK who has a special streaming January 28th from Madison Square Garden in the round at Louis CK.com. It is so good to sit with a comedian that I don't have to carry his weight all day. Like I have been fucking carrying this guy for so long Louis, you have no idea. The conversations are, it's like when you used to do an O&A. You remember doing an O&A? Sure, yeah. And no one talked.

No, it was guy that weird sometimes, but it was. Right, yeah, it was alright though. I used to, man, the hardest I've ever laughed. You have a responsible for my hardest laughters ever. Literally pulling a car over as they sat, like literally driving to tennis. I used to drive to tennis right at the peak of oh I have to what tennis I used to play tennis with an old man that had

You play tennis like professionally. No, no, no, I played with I used to play with this old man I wish I could remember his name. I Think he was had the beginning stages of Alzheimer's so he was horrible at keeping score I think he was at the beginning stages of Alzheimer's so he was horrible at keeping score You used to play tennis with an old man. Yeah, and you don't remember his name. It's very poetic Editor, it was an editor you guys may need to edit his name out He he was he told me some very wise things. We, they joined this country club, and it was down by Fox, and I lived over in Wilshire, LaBrea. So every morning I get, go, I played one time,

and they go, well, Perry was someone at your level. Right. So I was like, cool. So I showed him, it was a 70 year old dude, and I'm like, motherfucker. But then he's probably real good, right? He was guys that played their whole lives, they're really good. Well, he was as good as I was when I first started playing tennis again. And then as I got

better, I just like I had to slow my serve down. I had to, because I wanted to play. I wanted to burn calories. Yeah. I love playing tennis. I love it. Do you really? So fun. I really enjoy tennis. Yeah. It's great. I, uh, I played, do you ever see me play Tom? No, I destroyed him. Oh, that's, I destroyed him. I'm not surprised. I aced him, I think around 27 times. And Tom's not very athletic. No, I guess he's not, huh?

No, he's like, uh, do you ever remember in high school, the guys that were like, oh yeah, you think that's a sport, put on some pads, I'll show you a sport. You're like, hitting, throwing your body against another man, it's just not a, that's not the definition of sport. No, tennis's a sport put on some pads. I'll show you a sport. You're like hitting throwing your body against another man's just not a stop definition of sport. No, tennis is a sport. Tennis is a sport. It's just very satisfying because you get to hit every 10 seconds.

You get to keep going. Yeah. Every game is like baseball is so frustrating because you only once every hour get to hit the ball. Did you play organized sports as a kid? I just as a kid like it's little league baseball and football. I played pop Warner, you know, football.

Back when I had many concussions, do you think you've had? I don't know who knows. I got hit hard. I was big, so I used to, I was a lineman. Really? Yeah. I played seventh grade. They put me in as middle linebacker.

And I had no, I was not, it was a private school. I was not good. I did not I don't like competition. I don't like hitting people. No. First play I intercepted a pass and ran it back to the one yard line. Whoa. And now all the sudden I was the golden child. They're like yeah. Kids in natural right. And I played for two more years just getting concussed. You just never did that again. Never did it again. Never did it again. I remember, I remember in practice one time, it was all about when you could hit kids. Yeah.

You can't hit kids anymore? No. You mean when you, kids could hit each other, you mean? Kids could each other. No, I got it. Back when coaches could hit kids. Oh, when coaches could hit kids. I see.

When you, but you put yourself in it, you said when you could hit you. Oh, when coaches could hit kids. I see. When you, but you put yourself in it, you said when you could hit kids. Yeah. When I heard the offense, but in practice, say they'll play, they're gonna do, they're gonna run a screen. And I was like, oh, easy peasy. I'm gonna pick this, it was practice.

And it was practice. And I fucking intercept it and ran it back in the coach as I was doing my insodance in practice, came up to me and just fucking right on the side of the helmet and that like my yeah and he was like you knew the fucking play was coming wow and yeah it was like my coach kicked me in the ass once really really hard yeah because I was me and these other kids who weren't playing we never played because we sucked. Yeah. We were just taking our helmets and smooshing them

in the mud and just fucking, and he just ran up and I just felt this foot hit my ass like really hard. And I had pads, but he's still, he was a big man. Yeah. And I was 10. So I was 10. Yeah. We were that, I'm a little bit younger, you know,

not much. I'm 55. Oh, 50. Yeah. So five years, you seem so much older to me when I started. It's almost another generation. It is. It is pretty much or that's older. So, yeah, so, wait, so when did you play tennis? As an adult?

No, with this old guy. When you guys were doing ONA. When you when ONA was at its peak. So you belonged to a country girl. Were you a rich guy growing up? Kind of It's a it's a weird thing to say these days because people read into it differently my dad was a lawyer Yeah, and he was like as successful as one could be as a lawyer We lived in a pretty white trash neighborhood

But we could pay the bills and then Elron Hubbard hired my dad. Really? Yeah, and my dad beat the Church of Scientology in court, and Elron Hubbard said, anyone who can beat us is good enough for me. Put him on a tanner. Yeah. So my dad worked for the church for,

we just called it the church. The church, right? That's what we called it. Yeah. Growing up, if they're paying the bills, they're the church. They are the church. That's what we called it. Yeah, growing up if we're paying the bills They're the church. They are the church. Yes, so we bought a nice house in a new neighborhood and then Elrond stiffed us Didn't pay you didn't pay us and so we had a big house with no furniture and so my dad struggled To get like to you know keep everything afloax. It was like $135,000 for a house in the 80

I guess an 82 probably. That's how he got him back. You get a guy retainer, he can't come after you anymore and they never pay him. Never paid him. Fuck his smart. Yeah, and so little did he know I'd have Lena, Lena Remini on my show and trash the church. But he's dead, he doesn't care. Yeah, he's, well he's up in the space ship somewhere.

Is that right? Is that what he thinks? I do it. I believe in it. I'm looking for something. You are? Yeah. Well, how do you mean that? I would, like I would love to find Christ. Yeah.

I would love that. Yeah. Make a spaceship. I'll take it to. Yeah. But you're are you looking? Yeah, like not. You'd like to find something.

You'd like it. I'd like you to land on me. Like I'm waiting for a sobriety. I'm just waiting for, you're just waiting for sobriety. I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for that moment of clarity that everyone says happens. It's gonna happen, yeah.

Yeah, don't you, don't wouldn't, would you pay if they could do a procedure? Would you make me religious? Yeah. And then you believed. You believed. Like your father transitioned right into Orthodox? Well, yeah, my father,

well, my father was raised Catholic, but his father was Jewish. Yeah. And so then he converted to become Jewish because your mom has to be Jewish. Okay. Or you're not. So if your father's Jewish and your mom's not and you want to be Jewish, you have to convert.

And he married a Jewish woman much younger than him after my mom. Like, I'll go. And so he was like, so he converted, he got his dick snipped, anything to fucking stick in it hurt. She was sexy. But anyway, I don't know that much about it. I was a kid. But yeah, he converted it.

And if you convert, you go to be orthodox. You're not going to convert to Judaism and then be like, ah, you know, I keep the holidays, but otherwise I don't really give a shit. But would I get an operation to make me believe, no, I wouldn't. For real? Yeah, I don't know. I have no problem not having a faith.

So what do you think happens when you die? Nothing. I mean, nothing. You'd return to oblivion. I just had a little bit of a panic. Yeah, it's an upsetting thought because you can't, but it's incredible. I mean that it's a version of what you think. Haven't had any attacks right now. You tell me this. Like, the idea that there's just, it's just nothing. Like, I listen to a lot of history podcasts. And I get panic attacks when I think that when it was Rhodesia, I was nothing. Like, back when Zimbabwe was Rhodesia,

I just didn't exist. No, you didn't exist at all. And it gives me panic. Yeah, but everything that made you was here already, you know? You were in the works in a sense, you know? Your parents existed, or their parents existed. Yeah. And all of the molecules and everything in the world

and the swirl of matter and consciousness was already here. You just joined it. You just joined it and then you're going to fall out of it again, but you're still. And then what you part to all of you is going to, you got kids too. So you know, it's a trip. You get a shot at it. You get to borrow it. So it's your part of something that's always been here.

There's never, there's no, you're part of the first living thing. Led to you, you know, and me, and what's your name, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Okay. We all came from the same thing. I know, to me, it's just way so much bigger than me that I don't really think about it in terms of when does my life end?

It's just like I'm just sort of like in the, I'm in a crowd shot, you know what I mean? No. Like in a movie, like a big crowd shot. I got a tight, Louis. What? I got a tight, it's a, my son, you're in a tight, you're in a one.

Oh, it's a crowd shot, but they're gonna get a single on me Yeah, like fucking Yeah, I was watching a movie called Something Jack time Jack time it's with Emilio estivis and Mick Jagger's in it. Oh, I know Free Jack. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, so there's a shot in free Jack, where, so Emilio Estevez has a car accident, he's racing, he's racing. And his girlfriend or his wife is in the stands. And he has an accident, he dies in front of everybody. And there's this, it's called a snap zoom,

snap zoom into her face. Like another, they take the zoom off of the electronic and they just, so it goes into her face and she screams. But if you look at the, if you freeze it, like one frame before the snaps, you see, she's kind of just standing there. And I think Emilio Estevez is in the shot. Like he's, there's, it's a crowd shot.

So everyone's just kind of hanging around. And then she goes, and they snap zoom. So like the one frame before you see everyone's relaxed and I think there's people in the yeah that's the movie I think Amelia West of his is actually in the shot. But anyway, so that's what you're saying you you're in a crowd But you want you're seeing it from oh Yeah, yeah, like like I Yeah, I don't I have a hard time I

Mean don't you feel a little bit like, I don't know. Don't you feel special, you glow. As a person, you glow because you're special what your else is terrified. I'm terrified. Yeah, that's what comes with being special. If you could get a little more into the mud

and just feel more like a nothing. It's not so scary. I think about a lot. I listen to a ton of history podcasts. Yeah. So that's what I sleep to. And so I had a dream, they were talking about the Great War, the World War One. And they were explaining the trench technology and how they'd be like, all right, everyone

go. Right, with a whistle. I wouldn't do it. I think about that a lot when I, like, Gallipoli, you ever see that movie? The look, these are great World War One movie and it's just about that. Cause they just, they were in the wrong spot.

It's about the Australian troops and the English troops were like, put, yeah, let them do it. And they made them charge, but there was no, there was just a machine gun just waiting. There was no chance. No chance. But they kept going and you couldn't just say, but I don't want to die.

No, you get shot later. That I mean, it buys you saying no buys you about a week because you get. Yeah, because I'm trial. And you get shot at with a post, but you got a bunch of, I mean, I wouldn't go because you get a bunch of chances to escape. You get a chance to talk to explain yourself. Oh, I mean, I work out, but this, this is definitely not going to work out. That definitely doesn't work

out. But minus, well, Royal Dice, I was watching a movie called Racing with the Moon. It was with Sean Penn necklace. And Dana Carview's, because Dana Carview's coming on the show. And I remember watching it as a kid, and I watched a little clips online. It's like the really diligent research. You went, you did a carvian so you watched racing with a moon. It's not that diligent. I was obsessed with racing with the moon with Sean Penn's hair cut as a kid. Wow, exactly.

And so when I saw that he was in racing with the moon, I went, fucking racing with the moon. I love that. Yeah. I didn't realize the storyline in it. I didn't, as a kid, I had no concept of what the draft really was. And so it's a story about these two kids get drafted for World War II. And they're about to go, but they're trying to get memories

before they go because they're afraid they're going to die. Right. And there's a scene of Sean Penn walking down railroad tracks. As an adult, I saw that very differently as then as a child. Now, I went, just keep walking. Right. The fuck are you doing? Yeah, I don't know where that comes from.

That kind of like, well, I guess I got to do it. You know, yes, sir. It's a culture or something. I don't fucking know. Yeah. Well, it's like, what makes it like I fucking do that? Look at like, like do you don't strike me As someone who would listen to a lot of David Goggins or Jaco will make I don't strike you that way

No, I'm striking no because I don't know who those people are David Goggins oh Military he's what friends are Rogan and so he he runs a hundred miles a day and he's like, he's all about, it's like very inspirational, but it's not, and I've always tried to say this right way, it's not slick enough to be, he's not slick enough to try to sell it to you, he just happens to be selling it to you.

Does that make sense? No. He's not Tony Robbins. He's not up there like, let me get inside you, right? He just is like, he's like, he's just a magnetic or anything. He should know he's just, he just is, it's so coming from the center of his chest. Like, like, don't be a fucking pussy. Bitch, you stop running.

Don't be a bitch. Just run. Like that's David Goggins. Okay. Who's gonna carry the boats? Who's gonna carry the boats? Like, he just is, he got, he got that switch that we were talking about with religion,

but it happened for him about life transformation and discipline. Oh, so he's the guy that's what he looked like before or something like that? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, he's, but he's, I feel like it's hard to be that guy. I think it would be really hard. Yeah, I mean, you can get, anyone could be that guy. I think it would be really hard. Yeah, I mean, you can get anyone could be that guy.

You just choose which thing you're gonna fucking torture yourself with. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because you could be that guy, but that's hard to be that guy. And then you're like, this all the time. Oh, it's not. And then you die.

It's not like you do that and then you break through to some infinite perfection. You just do this and then you fucking uh, you die. And then you fucking, ugh, you got it. And then you die. It's really short. Life. It's so short.

It's so short. Do you feel like you do sometimes wake up and you go, I'm halfway done? Yeah, I'm way more than, I mean, I'm 55. That's more than half. I'm not gonna make 110. I'm not headed to 110. How do you think you're oh do you think you're not either that's not 110 years You don't make 100 you have to be like you know the little Indian guy that eats the string that comes out your ass hole

You know those guys yeah That guy can make a hundred and ten. Yeah, it's lower your heart rate down and sit and you know Dude it has to be two wants to be that I don't want to be that you know I do do you want to be the last I don't want to be that, you know. I do. Do you? I want to be the last one. You want to be the last what person? Last person I know. That really, that's so sad. I know.

Like my mom died four years ago now. Shit. Seems like a reason, you know. Yeah. But I thought that's it. I suffered the difficult death, you know. It's my mom. I'm alone now. Now I go the difficult death, you know, it's my mom. I'm alone now

And now I go through life along with me and my generation and we'll just go through life But now I'm looking at my friends my dear friends and I'm like, I'm gonna watch that guy die I'm either gonna die sadly young Or I'm gonna watch all my fucking friends die That's horrible like I don't want to find out that you die. I mean, that might happen to someone. Okay, there's no. I'm going to shock everyone. I think everyone's going to go, shut the fuck up.

I think I'm going to be at my wife's funeral and everyone's going to go, should've been him. How old is your wife? Old. Oh yeah? No, no, no. 52. She's 52.

Yeah. It's all right. You're going through life together. Yeah, well, she's a couple of steps ahead of me, but yeah, yeah, it's she I get to watch her age. Yes, and she's going through menopause. Yeah, that's a fucking treat. Yeah, sure. That's rough. And so I don't know, okay, okay, I mean, I think this is probably a narcissistic thing to say, but don't you, when someone dies, I remember the first person I knew that died, as it was Scott, and we were in college, he got hit by a car.

And that shit. Yeah, right on in front of the bar, we were all at a drunk. Yeah, he was, and we used to cross the street, just run across the street and he just went to turn run across the street and the car hit him and that was it. And I remember thinking, but I'm still here, like that's crazy that he's gone and I'm here.

Yeah, it's fucking weird. It's almost like in a weird way, like a shot in Freud. A shot in Freud. That's it. We're like people die but then you stay and you're like fuck, so I guess I always live. Right? Right, because you have lived.

Yeah, and I keep missing it. Like, you know? Yeah. But it's like, I've never watched someone die as I go. Another one, man. Right. So every time somebody dies, it's really about your survival. It's really just another sign that you're never gonna die

That's I don't think that's narcissistic is it's just retarded I'm pretty sure that's just No, he died in him you Mark it down. There's a guy. There was a comic I worked with in Seattle. I opened for him, I think, and his name. I don't remember his name, but he had a moniker. He was the non-PC comedy then anti-politically correct comic. And it was way, this is the 90s. Before any of this. This is what politically correct people were still saying the, this is the 90s before any of this stuff. This is what politically correct people

were still saying the N word. Yeah, exactly. That was still like, well, you know, it's it they are. But, but so this guy, his whole thing was about being, so he said, how many, I remember he would say, he was funny and I liked him. He was a really nice guy. In case he exists still, I don't know, but,

but I did, I liked him. But he had this one funny moment where he got a still, I don't know, but, but, um, but I did. I liked him. But he had this one funny moment where he got a laugh that I don't think he understood what he was getting a laugh. He would say, uh, how many of you people here, you know, they make us wear seat belts. How many of you grew up in a, in your parents car never wore a seat belt and none of us are dead. And people would laugh because that's not proof that seat belts aren't important. Yeah. There's the people that died aren't here to raise their hands.

You know what I mean? They're not here to... So yeah, you haven't died yet, but that's because there's no because it's just you haven't died yet. That's not evidence of anything. I actually am closer to not believing in death than I am believing in religion. Wow. I understand that. I understand the idea of like, that death than I am believing in religion. Wow. I understand that.

I understand the idea of like, that's not gonna happen to me. But you will get, when you get older that you start, I had a bunch of things I thought, that's not gonna happen to me. That's not gonna happen to me. And then you go, oh yeah, they all, they all, they all, they all, they all happen.

I thought I wouldn't have glasses. Oh, I thought I would never have glasses. Yeah, of course you do. I just found my glasses. Yeah. Yeah, I thought I would never, like I, I, I, I, I remember thinking, I remember the first time I found out my blood pressure was high.

Yeah. And I was like, ah, you got to do it again. Right. No, you're going to get higher blood pressure. You're going to get your veins are going to clog up. Oh, I mean, your joints are going to start stiffening. This hurts. Oh, this hurts.

Mine hurts too. Yeah, this is all day, really? We have why? Don't know. But we're just going to be those old men. Yeah, there's no more muscle here. And it's just the thumb sticks out. It's just going to be a appendage. I do, I think we have like the last of the thumb people.

So this because humans don't need their hands anymore. Yeah, it's kind of right. I know, and just, I mean, we need these. So then what's the thing that makes you not worry about death? Like, what do you do to not think about that? I mean, I don't do anything. I don't, I do, it scares me sometimes. Do you go to the doctor a lot?

No, no, almost never. I almost never do that. No, I'm just thinking. I call the doctor. I try to get him to, you know, like if I have a name, it's science infection or something. Yeah. I call him. I say, please just give me a script of something and he says, can you get a come in? I got to see it. Yeah. But I don't ever go. I did that for Xanax. I called him a doctor and I was like, yeah, I was like, hey, my Xanax is out.

And then she need to take it. I never really. I take it to sleep like once every weeks This is a secret time, but I take it when I'm coming off throughout partying Like really partying. I'll take it my first sober night my first sober night I'll take half a zanx and then that staves off the the bad night sleep And then you get the next day you feel really great Yeah, and then you all don't need to drink. I feel fucking awesome and then then you don't drink that night And how long do you stay sober for, I don't need to drink. I feel fucking awesome. And then you don't drink that night. And how long do you stay sober for? I don't know.

Chunks. Now, as I'm getting older, big chunks. Yeah. Because I, for the first time, I'm not rebounding like I used to. Like I used to be, I mean, I notoriously could wake up, hungover, and run a marathon. Did it. Yeah. Actually did it. And so, but now I, for the first time I'm going like,

it does feel a little better to get some good sleep. For a guy who's afraid of death, you're just running towards it, baby. You're just asking for it. Clip that out and play it at my funeral. I'm gonna have a sizzle real play at my funeral. Yeah, good. Good.

I don't wanna find out that you died. I used something weirdly masochistic about you, you know? What, what's that mean? Well, I remember the first time I met you, you told me about this show used to have called Heart Birds. Yeah. And I, it was really bewildering to me.

I, I'm bewildering to myself. Because you were doing stuff that was paint physically painful and you didn't like doing it. It was, it hurt. Yeah, I hated it. And then I did a show, I did a show called Birth Conqueror, I did extreme activities like jumping off the stratosphere and stuff and I hated that.

What do you mean jumping off the stratosphere? I was the first person to jump off the stratosphere. What the fuck does that mean? Do you know the stratosphere in Vegas? No, I thought you meant the actual one on the earth. No. No. No. Like, you jumped off the stratosphere.

No, I jumped. What's the stratosphere? It's a 111 story building in Vegas. And so we take an elevator at the top, you go off to the ledge and you jump off it and a controlled descent. And so they got a line that tethers you and you. Oh yeah. I was in New Zealand and my assistant did that.

Yeah. It's weird to watch somebody do that. Yeah. It's a bizarre. And then they're right here in front of you. Yeah. They were like, you're the first person. And then I was like, oh.

But we had to do interviews for TV. And then like, why don't you interview her? She's being a measly lady. It's like just dead inside. Like no emotion on her face. Yeah. And she's dressed in a jumpsuit. And I said,

who are my interviewer and they go, she's jumped off before. But I go, I thought I was the first one. And they're like, no, they had to test it. So she was the tester. So I asked her, I said, what do you mean you jumped off this? She goes $100.

My son's in prison. It goes to his commissary. They give me $100 sweat lunch. I just jump five times. So you mean people that test that kind of thing aren't like test pilot guys. They're just like the fucking desperate people. Let's find somebody who just

would do anything for $100. For people that worked at the casino, she'd sweep up and clean out asteris and they walked to the right side, they said go find somebody. Yeah, and so she was like, I'll do it. So at lunch, she just jumped, getting the elevator, jumped, getting the elevator, jumped.

And so she makes money, or someone's in prison, she told me, and she would put money towards this commissary and make extra money, a hundred dollars every jump. So he could buy a little bit more heroin from somebody's ass, and this. Probably. Probably. Fuck.

And I told her, and then I said, that's really life, isn't it? Right there. What she's experiencing, that's life. She's in the wide shot. Yes, but for her, that's a really, that's a really sad tight shot. You put fucking punching on her.

I see, I don't, I don't think she's in the wide shot. I think she's in the wide shot. And she has a bright, bright heart. She doesn't have a soul. She has a much more interesting story than either of us. Oh, I think so. I would, I would fucking, that is boy, that is tough. It's, you're already, you're like cleaning cigarette butts in Vegas.

Yeah. And someone's like, you went, jump off of that for $100 to give it to your son who can't even spend it except on. And then she would just get in the elevator and go up, eat a sandwich, go on up in the elevator, get to the ledge, no emotion, jump, a watch through jump. She's jump. And then when I jumped, how many times does she need to test it? They tested it all day long. They were testing it because they were they were opening the ride. So they

start with the other thing as they chose her because she's worth She's okay to lose By there and other words they pick somebody who they're like who can we have jump that if she dies? It's okay. I think I think probably someone who doesn't have a big legal team behind them. Yeah Yeah, yeah, they start with water dummies They were doing throwing water dummies off and And they were just floating in the ground. And they're like tighter, tighter. And then they're like, I think we got it dialed in.

Ming, get the elevator. They didn't even put a dog between her and the like a fucking there's the notorious one. You got to kill a few dogs before you try a person. You gotta kill at least one dog before you try a person. Yeah, I would definitely. Or here, the other option is don't have the fucking stupid thing.

It makes me money for them. That's the, you never think of that when you see those. It's like, well, it's perfectly safe. That's what everybody says, you know, but it's perfectly safe because they tested it. They risk somebody's life. For that? Yeah. But because it makes money. It makes money and it is a memory, you go to Vegas to memory.

Here's the thing. I used to think, I used to think they tested it. It's got to be safe until they did a slide in Kansas City that it did capitated a child. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Wow. They showed the slide. What did he do wrong? It must have done something wrong, right? No, he was a he did he do it. Did he sit up when he was like, how did he get to capitated? So this ride was flawed in that they made the ride and they were like what is it you sitting on slide and like a thing and you'd go down and the whole point was you go down so fast that as you hit the thing you'd catch a little air. What they didn't anticipate was how fat Americans were.

And so then they were like, well, fuck, we can't just run this ride and just go next we got away people Because Warren Kansas City, right so we can theoretically no joke We could probably put a ton of people in this thing like legit and if we do you go fucking flying off this thing Yeah, so they had to measure it and I guess they just didn't measure it right they tried They would they would put you with a child. They would put your, so there's a net above it. There's a net because people were flying, it was flying off the fucking ride.

I guess I think, I wasn't there, but that was the, they would put kids on. So like when I did it, they're like, well, you're two, two 50, put two little girls with them. So it was me and two little girls. And then, you could never do do with your fucking friends. No, because you were like, oh, put me in this child with me. So the kids head could call me that means with that the kids head came off means you're never gonna die, Bert.

So that's just another sign. It makes me feel like that. I'm having a tick tag. I'm sorry. That's okay. I noticed this on the tick-tack this morning, by the way, on the box, look at this. See, there's a little guy. He's a little tick-tack. And he's a DJ. On top of a tick-tack, we're too excited. Yeah, see, and I'm fascinated by this

because that's somebody did this, like somebody worked this out. Do you know what I mean? Like somebody, there's somebody who's job that was is that somebody did this, like somebody worked this out. You know what I mean? Like somebody, there's somebody whose job that was is like a creative job to make this little tick-tock guy. And they have this much space to advertise. They have a very little space, you know, so it's very small.

Like you would never look at that, right? I would never notice it. But somebody's saying like, hey, if we put this guy in there, folks might like him and want to buy a tick-tax. You're not gonna be, you're not gonna see that on the shelf and go like, but if you buy tick-tax and you're gonna, you're gonna go, I liked that little guy, I wanna see him again.

I would never notice it. And nor would I know there's a contest if you scan the, the code. Is it a DJ? There's a contest. For being a DJ? It says for a chance, for a chance to win prizes. Yeah, here what happens?

And also TicTac has Facebook and Instagram and they tweet also. It's not, oh here we go. What is the contest? Please wait, we're loading. Everyone's allowing cookies these days. You ever notice that? What do you mean the loudest?

Everyone's like, do accept our cookies and you're like, I guess so, or I can't find out what this contest is. It's a word search. Oh, forget it. Yeah. I mean, I just remember when TicTax were, do you remember the commercials they had?

I mean, you were five years younger than me, but speaking of closeups, it was a closeup of very beautiful woman. It's very intimate. She's talking right into your face and she's just talking about TicTax. And she's putting one in her mouth and she's talking about them like this.

And it made me like buzz as a kid. Really? Yeah, I like them still because of that lady. Really? Look at her eyes. Oh wow. She was beautiful and she would, yeah, that's the one really. That's the one. Look at her eyes, perfect eyes. And she was right, I just remember her being right into lens.

I've got a confession to make. I've always loved the presence of pictures. She's just so big, I don't remember her walking around like that. She's dressed like a savage. Now what? She's got like a macaroni top on. She's a pretty man's art lower in calories. Look at O. And the leaves are of filaments. And a tic-tac has to have one and a half. So I'm staying with tic-tac because to get fewer calories. And those are real things. Yes. Yes. That's the impressive thing you see women that are hot. We're hot back then.

Yeah, that was all real. That's right. Melissa McGovern, fucking hot. That's right. For real. Yep, had to be real. Wonder Woman was my thing. I loved Wonder Woman.

And then the laven, is that her name? No. No. Why did I think that? Linda Carter. Linda Carter. And she was married to a like a congressman who had a big scandal Like you got thrown out of congress for some reason She was and it's gorgeous. Yeah, adversely. I went to a dominatrix once for a TV show

Oh for two and because I was into one there's there's These things that you see as a child imprint on you sexually. Of course, did you? And so that's why I like seeing people get tied up. Yeah, I had a Wonder Woman fantasy. I had a heart. My wife, one time, got a Wonder Woman costume and thought, you know, he's in a Wonder Woman. I was like, you're ruining it.

Yeah, I know. You have to be Wonder Woman. It was her. Yeah, you can't be. Like, just the outfit. You can't be, you know, again. And then, and then a year later, my daughter dressed as Wonder Woman for Halloween was awkward.

Yeah, he's like, oh, great. Yeah, she was. That was what she was perfection. I wonder what a six looks like in the seventies. A six in the seventies. I don't know. I mean, I liked the Bionic Woman more, I was into her. Wait, who was the bionic man? The Bionic woman was a show that came on after. It was a spin-off. Really? Jamie Summers was the character name, but if you see it,

yeah, she was beautiful. That's my kind of gal. Oh, I do remember her. Yeah, she was really something. She had a haircut that looked like she knew how to read. Yeah, exactly. She was kind of, and she had a, she was of understated. Yeah, she was hot as hell. Do you remember when do you remember when Bigfoot met up with the Bionic man? No, I don't remember that. For real?

Yeah, I don't remember. I mean, I loved that show, but I don't remember. Do you remember? I'm trying to think, I guess five years of is a lot when you're a kid. Meaning the stuff that we remember as kids, yeah. Like I remember one nature boy and bigfoot. Like that, I don't, oh god, look at that guy. Yeah, a bionic one. Well, I remember I watched it with my mom once and she ruined it because she explained why it's impossible. This idea of bionic limbs. Because like, you know, he's got a bionic arm and is lifting a car and she's

like his limb would just come off his body. Like you need leverage, you can't just have, because it's connected to flesh. Yeah. And it would just come, it would just come clean off. Yeah. But there is the, but I remember during this time, there was a garage door. Someone was closing a garage door in our neighborhood, and there was a kid under the garage door. And I saw it and I stopped the garage door as like a first grader. And realized it wasn't all that difficult to stop a garage door.

But I thought, should I wonder if I just tapped into something? Well, that's the incredible Hulk thing. It's another 70s thing. The incredible Hulk thing was that he found out that people when they were angry and upset, they could do miraculous things. And so he tapped into that and found, but he turned himself green and went overboard.

Those shows are so interesting. I was watching my father-in-law's here and he is watching a lot of, what was the show last night that was all that I went? So this is, so every premise in sitcoms in the 70s was a simple misunderstanding that turned into a 22 minute story. Yeah, yeah. It was never, there was never anything that fucking deep.

No, no, they were just weird premise. So like whose cookies are these? And they're like, oh, I don't know. Yeah. And it turns out those cookies were made for the big bake sale. That's right. Any eight one, now he has to find. Now is that gonna find a way? Yeah, oh, I don't know. Yeah. And it turns out those cookies were made for the big bake sale. That's right. Any eight one, and now he has to find out.

That was going to find a way. Yeah, well, I hate, those shows may be anxious. They may be very anxious. Yeah. Because of that, because of the own no, I hated Lucy. I loved Lucy Carmichael, but I mean, Lucy, Lucy Obal. Yeah. But I hated the show because it was like, oh no, now they're going

to find out that the thing, and it was this tight upsetting, and as a kid it made me, like I pee my pants when I watched sitcoms. It was about her wanting to be famous. Yes, always her one point. Yes, but she was, it was stupid, it was like you're famous. Yeah, you're on television. The quicksand, I was obsessed speaking of transitioning into quick, I got into quicksand, I was obsessed with speaking of transitioning into quicksand porn for a second.

Quicksand porn? Have you ever seen Quicksand porn? No. So, quicksand, so during this time with the Dominatrix, she explained to me this whole thing of like, oh yeah, you're like, what a woman are you? I like this video, show me a video and I was like, well, that fucking hit me. She went, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, how are you? No, that's said to me.

And I said, yeah, I'm a good actor, right? Okay, that's not Quick Sam porn. Okay, he agents in here, Paulston. Yeah, this is, but you don't have to Google it. So, Quick Sam was a big, so this is like a whole genre that people are into. Okay, so they're called sinkers. And sinkers?

Yeah, the people that are in the quicksand point. And it's basically a woman getting stuck in quicksand. Yeah. And then, and this is what turns them on. And what it is, turns on the woman, turns on the dude, I'm dude watching. I'm assuming it's a dude. Okay And so the best I mean I like I've watched enough with I can tell you what the good part is

It's actually like worried that the I mean how under control is this? You know, is that real quicksand it looks like it is I Would be concerned? I mean your skirt is dead first of all This is the best part of it. Then when she goes, maybe it's these clothes or... Yeah, maybe I got to take off my top. Yeah, maybe I got to take off my top.

That's the problem with this one, exactly. And then she's just getting herself deeper and deeper. The best part's coming up. It's when their boobs hit the mud. That's the best part. That's crazy. Yeah. It's a goddamnit.

Oh, that shirt was goddamnit. Oh, no. Oh, she was gonna try to use the shirt. Oh shit No, that would really make a difference As a director, you are you already bothered by the lighting Well, it's sun sun is always ugly you put something over that you do it a cloudy day. You get a nice diffuse this is the best part of the quicks Headboard right here and I'm sorry. You had to be in this room for this, but this is the best part You don't have to be in the roof. We could have waited but what yeah, this is the best part Yeah, some people argue it's when their head goes on her, but this is the best part the the tits

Yeah, yeah right there that I mean you guys will hit pause so there's no dudes inits come. Yeah, yeah, right there. That, that, I mean, you guys will hit pause. So there's no dudes in the movie. No, no, no, no. Sometimes a guy will come rescue them and then fuck them. Right. But mostly it's just girl. Oh my God. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, by the way, she's, she's really in quicksand. Like she's like six feet into quicksand. Oh my God. She's really in quicksand like she's like six feet into quicksand. Oh My god She kind of fucks it up at the end. Oh well at least they're definitely 18 years old So it's not like this anything wrong with watching that so This is a this is a trigger for some dudes. I'll tell you why.

Cleopatra, tell me why. There's a movie in the 50s called, I want to say Cleopatra Queen of the Nile or something. And they use QuickSand as a device, as a plot. He used to be a point thing in movies, QuickSand. Because of this one movie, this one movie. Really? Affertiti, is that what it was? Nefertiti Queen of the Nile. Nefertiti Queen of the Nile used Quicksand as a plot device and it was the biggest blockbuster of the summer so and they

started at that point they were branching out making television shows in L.A. and they were like yeah they're all hacks and they're like quicksand quicksand. So if you remember Abbott Costello always ran into Quicksand. Yes they did. There were quicksand. Quicksand. So if you remember Abbot Costello, always ran into Quicksand. Yes, they did. The Quicksand was in every country, like he'd be riding his horse and he'd get off and get stuck in Quicksand. Everyone got stuck in Quicksand.

But the main thing, did anybody jack off to Abbot in Costello? No, no, it was a quicksand. It was never Abbot in Costello getting Quicksand. It was the woman getting caught in Quicksand. Oh, I see. So then all of a sudden, there's a bunch of probably 62 year old dudes who

there only bit of porn they got to see was a chick getting put in quicksamp. Wow. Yeah, pretty interesting. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I get those look see look at her. Yeah. I get I don't know it's something about somebody being enclosed and it's like a I get it. It's like a woman inside of a pussy or something. Maybe. Yeah, kind of. I definitely I definitely get it.

I get it. I've watched a lot of it. I get it. I've gotten into some fucking, some holes on these where I get it too much. Right, yeah, yeah. But then I saw dude, actually, you caught in Corks Hand.

I can't find the clip. In real life. No, no, my fucking buddy, my buddy, John Mans, my cameraman, his brother got caught in real quicksand as a kid and it crushes you, like you die. It's not this dude, this dude in England, Louis. He was doing a thing for his TV show and he was all right. I'm not going to do that with that sense.

He's like, it's gonna get me legs stuck in quicksand a little bit. So here we go, all right. Now luckily we got experts around here. They can shoot in there, pull me out, easy peasy, lemon squeezy, here we go. And he starts going and he goes, oh, and this is getting tight. I'm not gonna lie to you Not gonna lie to your I can't really feel my toes. Is that bad? Should I worry about that? Okay, they're saying this is deep enough and

Then the guy proceeds to sink. Oh, no, and they can't get him the fuck. Oh, no, and I'm watching like the fuck. Oh no. And I'm watching like, ah, oh no. It is. And you can see I'm panicking. And he's like, no, come on. Someone give me, I don't know. Get it, someone call someone.

And it is. What happens? I don't remember. You don't remember. I think they get him out. Right, like you didn't die. You didn't die on, because our face is a death. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, that was how far back we used to watch things like that face is a death. Do you Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. That was how far back we used to watch things like that faces of death. Do you get attacked by a alligator? I don't think I ever saw it. Really? Yeah, I remember everybody talking about it, but I had a feeling I shouldn't watch it as

a young fellow. Was your childhood? It would change me in a way I didn't want to feel. And so I avoided it. I mean, later when YouTube happened, I watched all the beheadings in Syria. I watched every fucking possible horrible. I had a bit about the beheadings. Really? Really? Watching the videos about how dumb you look when they hold you, you're head up and you're like, dude, like, you just look stupid, you know? Yeah, man, that's

fucked up stuff. I mean, I watched the worst thing I ever saw, the last thing I ever saw like that. It's the one that made me go stop doing this. Somebody took the footage from Columbine and the security cam footage and they put sound on it from like cell phones that were on and stuff and there's like a full fucking, you see the whole thing and it's really, that's the last thing I watched like that and

I was like, I can't do this ever again. I have a, yeah, I don't, I'm a real disconnect with stuff like big stuff like that. Yeah. Right. What do you mean just like what big stuff like? Like I don't, I don't know. I just have a disconnect. I kind of a joke in my new special that's kind of about school shootings.

Yeah. And I, and I, I'm almost like oblivious. It's like you ever meet those people that swim out in the ocean and they swim miles and miles and they're not. And I go, aren't you worried about sharks? And I go, I don't think about it. That's how I feel about like, like comedy and like bad things where I sharks? And I don't think about it. That's how I feel about comedy and bad things, where I just go, I don't think about it.

And I don't see it the way they see it. I don't think about it that way either because that's what we're doing. It wouldn't make any sense to, it doesn't make sense. I see people that make sense to where they go, where they go, who are you worried? Well, it's like going up to somebody who's a diver who jumps off a diving board for the Olympics,

and you go, you're gonna get wet in that pool. Like, don't you wanna be careful not to jump to fall off that diving board? Like, it doesn't, you're off, you're fucking jumping. It's what you're doing. Yeah. That's what you're doing. And I remember, it does this little risk

because the whole show is a exercise and jump and it's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. And I remember, it's still risk because that's, the whole show is a exercise in fucking around with words and ideas and saying things you're not supposed to say. The hardest I've ever, the hardest I've ever laughed, ever laughed, yeah. Ever and I can pinpoint it.

Now I've had real long hard laughs, but like where people's words, I heard people's words and they made me laugh, was you in Patrice, with the etymology of... Yeah, that's the hardest. I can tell you where I was. It was, I pulled over, I pulled over, I can tell you my car, I can tell you everything about that moment. And I did, not only to laugh, I looked looked around an empty car like didn't, yeah.

Did anyone else just witness? And it's buttoned by Patrice's loud cackle. His laughing off the mic. His laugh so much. He, yeah, I remember that moment. That's like a moment I remember. There's some things I've done in my life that I can't actually conjure it.

But I remember sitting there watching him, and the thing is that Patrice was such a master. He's one, I think he could have been the best comedian that ever lived. He had just cracked the code on his own standup. But he also was tough and he was like impenetrable. Like a few times that I fucked around with joking with him. He would destroy me every time.

And the thing that happened was he was talking about the etymology of the word, and how it came from Kikel. It's the Yiddish for circle. And that in Ellis Island, if you couldn't write, if you were illiterate, you'd sign with an X, but the poverty-stricken Jews that were illiterate, they would make a circle, a kikel. And that's right. So he was saying this really sincerely.

Like, he was telling the story, saying it sincerely, but with a little bit of a... He lived a little here, Jewish. But he was looking a little vulnerable when he saw the book. A little like, this is how wire came Jewish, but he was looking a little vulnerable when he saw a friend. A little like this is how wire came from and I was like, wow, it was like if you're in a boxing match with somebody and he dropped his right and you're like, are you kidding me? I can just throw this and I'm going to and I knew I was going to say it.

And I said it. The heart. And he laughed so hard and it was so satisfying to make Patrice laugh that hard. That is the best one of my favorite moments of my life was making him laugh that hard. Making other comics laugh is a great feeling, you know. Yeah. I had a moment like that with Letterman. I was on Letterman once and I really surprised him and made him laugh really hard on the air.

That was a good feeling because he was talking about and and I didn't know what I was gonna say either. That's when, because I wasn't sure what I just knew I was headed somewhere with Patrice. I was on Letterman on doing panel, and he had his kid, Henry, I think his name is, and he was talking about, because I was talking about my kids,

and he said, he said, see, I can't get my kid to eat anything. You know, I eat breakfast, I go, you want some eggs, and he goes, no, I don't want to, you want pancakes? No, I don't want pancakes. And he went, and I go, well, you're doing it all wrong, Dave. Like, and I really meant it, but I didn't know what I was,

I didn't know what I was gonna say. I said, you're doing it all wrong. And he goes, really? Tell me, like every parent goes, tell me. And I go, you make eggs, and you go, here's the eggs. That's what's for breakfast. And he goes, what if the kid says, I don't want him, you go, then you ask, what else do you want?

What do you want? You want an actual else to want? And I didn't know I was going to do that, but he fucking, because he was really sincerely excited for a new idea. And when I just bailed, he laughed so hard. And I felt like this is a great, that was like, that's like a top four moment of my whole creatively and in my career. What was the thing, not to get to interview me,

but like, when did you change in your standup? Like, because you're standup, I remember you that made me laugh. When I first started standup, I was working the door at the Boston County Club. You used to have a bit. You used to work in a diner. Yeah. I can talk diner. Yeah.

I can talk diner talk, like give me an order. Give me an order. Remember this bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the bit to Halston. It's really amazing, Halston. You ever been to a diner? I don't remember it.

I'll do it, I don't remember it. Halston, give me a diner order. This is Louis's bit. Two eggs, bacon, hash browns. Okay, how do you want your eggs cooked? Scramble. Scramble, okay. Do you want pancakes with that? Sure, so two eggs

scrambled bacon hash browns and pancakes, okay. Yes. All right. I need two monkeys riding side-car So take a pig fucking lay it down put an apple in its mouth. Yeah, yeah I need another sky throw water all over him and chop him up a piece. Yeah. And I need two big wheels. Big, did you want syrup on those? Oh, yeah. Two big wheels and come all over their back.

I also need scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns. That's right. Something like that. I'm not doing that. But you did it. I was silly back then. You were silly. What if you get to hell and you see a guy and oh yeah, that was, see, that's when I started

changing though. I think that was, but that was silly too. The thing about it, if you're in hell and some guy comes up and goes, yeah, suck my dick and you start sucking his demons dick. But then somebody else walks and goes, you didn't have to suck that guy's dick. Like he's just, you know, and they go, hey, man, leave people alone. Like the idea that you just stand up for yourself. Yeah, man. Come on. It's pathetic the idea that in hell you have some Choices, you know you realize it was like I remember seeing that and then I worked with you right when George was born the weekend

George was born. I worked with David Tell on the very next weekend. I worked with you. I just had a kid I just had a kid and I was in storage now then. 18. Wow, okay. In college. Huh. Yeah. And I worked with you and I was, I was silly party frapp,

I was dang cook like I was silly party frapp. Yeah, we worked in Florida together. West Palm and Prove. That's right. Yeah, with Eric Meyer. Eric Meyer, who is possibly, yeah. Sad man. Yeah, he was, he was, I didn't realize that he was fucking, he was hilarious on stage, but he was a hundred

times funnier off stage. I remember that weekend because he was something special. Like, I thought there was something, but he was taking, uh, yeah, because he had, uh, um, stage fright. It's where there's a lot of comedians who are deathly afraid to be on stage. Like, this is a thing I've known a few. Really? Mitch Hedberg was one. That's why he like drank to get, he would sh-tremble. He couldn't, he was like, it was, it was death to him

being on stage, but he needed to be a comic. If I had to start drinking and then he, and then he made his way to heroin, which killed him. But Eric would, between every, he was him seeing, and you were, We don't have to talk about him, he's dead, he's never gonna hear this. What's that?

No kidding. No, keep going. Eric was, I remember you really liked him. And he was just, he would pass out between sets, and I go, what, why do you pass out? And he said, because my doctor told me to take, he went to a doctor who says, just take this, these drugs.

I don't know what, finally, kill them. It was alcohol. Okay. He was walking down a highway. I'm pretty certain drug and a car hit him. That's yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but another one for you, you're not going to die. I would especially when it's a drinker. That's a double. That's right. And so I, uh, but I remember working with you going telling everyone at the thing. Oh, you know, who he can't he's fucking hilarious, you're gonna love it. And you had shifted, you had shifted your perspective.

And I remember your first joke was, my daughter's an asshole. That's right, that was the big change was my kids. Yeah, and it changed. You said you had a joke, you said, I don't get vacations, but you know that moment when you put your kid in the car seat and you walk behind the car to your driver's seat. Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't get vacations, but you know that moment when you put your kid in the car seat and you walk behind the car to your driver's seat? Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't even know the joke, but it was my little vacation, a little time off. Yeah, and I was, yeah, I was so tired. I think I didn't live like a real life until I had kids, you know, because I did comedy since I was 17, 18. And I had real jobs, because I couldn't afford it. And I wasn't supporting myself for a few years, for a lot of years.

But I really haven't a kid just drains the life out of you and it really takes you close to that rot, to that fucking craggie rock, like your face is right there against the rock. And it's worth worth it. I love my kids, that's living. Yeah. But yeah, that's when I started, that's when I,

and I also, it wasn't just that. I had also given up on being famous or... Making real. Yeah, I knew that's what it had. I was sure that it was too late, and that I was doing stand-up for living, and that I might as well keep doing it, I've been doing it my whole life,

but I ain't never gonna be famous. I'd seen so many guys that had started after me, become famous, and I'd seen kind of who makes it and I just thought, I'm not, you know, I'm not as good as the guys who are great and I'm not as pretty as the guys. Like Chris Rock was so great to me back. You were working on Chris Rock's screenplay that week, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I was working for him and I just thought, I help guys like him. I help guys like him make it. It's never gonna be me. I was sure for him and I just thought, I help guys like him. I help guys like him make it. It's never gonna be me. I was sure of that. And so that, I think that loosened up, you know. Desires no good for you. Hope and desire is not good for your,

it's creatively, it's not good for your voice, you know? It doesn't give you real ideas to talk about. And it doesn't make you think like other people do, and that's what they wanna hear, you know? Yeah, I give up. I definitely had given up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When before I started to succeed, it was when I was like, right, when I got fired from

crowd channel, I was like, I was like, I fired from what? Travel channel, from all those joe, yeah, things shows. But I remember watching you that weekend, and I was, like I said, I was probably dang-cooked like, meaning like, I- You're a big guy with a big voice, and you're an easy laugh. Like, you were just like, amiable, and, and, you're funny.

I liked it. I liked watching you. But I remember leaving that weekend and going like, being like, because I just had a kid, and I was like, I remember thinking you made, having a kid seem cool. And I was really sad that I'd had a kid. Yeah.

Because I was like, oh, so I guess my stand-ups over. Right. I'm going to be a dad comic. Right. And you made being a dad cool. And I wasn't until I worked with Embag, and this was much later when I had probably two years later, when I did my first joke about my kids, that was a good joke, but I didn't know it was a good joke, and bag told me it was.

Well, my daughter was sticking her finger up her ass and put it in the dog's mouth, and they were like, you gotta see baby, I was tricking. I was like, what is it? And they're like, it's better if we show you. And they did it and I was like, what the fuck? What are you guys not seeing? I was like, what the fuck?

And they're like, God, the dog doesn't know it's shit. I was like, what? And they're like, keeps doing it. Like, do you think the dog get it? And I'm like, okay, I wasn't watching the dog. Do it again. And then they did it again. And then I was like, shit, every fucking time. And then like, we've been doing it all morning.

Wow. And then Leanne came down and I was like, you gotta see baby, I was new trick. She's like, what is it? And I was like, it's better if we show you. But that was like the first transition of like, what is it? And I was like, it's better if we show you. But that was like the first transition of like, I mean, I would argue, I would argue as an outsider, as a definitely as a fan of stand up and you,

that that transition you made, transition comedy, in a big way. Well, I don't know. I mean, there's been waves of that. Like there's been people that have done that. I've seen, like I remember Robert Shimmel. Do you know who Robert Shimmel was? Shimmel was like a real realist guy.

He was living a normal guy life, but talking about it with a really filthy mouth. Yeah. And he was one of the best ever. And I got to watch guys like him. I'm definitely, there's always been, you know, and I've seen people after me, like new comics who have had kids,

who have done jokes similar to the ones that I did. And I just look at that it like, that's now that's their turn, you know what I mean? It's their generation's doing it now. But I took what you did and I think I doubled down. And I was like, I was like, I liked that honesty. And now I'm gonna share everything. Yeah.

And I think that was a mistake. I never talked about it. Yeah, that was a big mistake. It is, you gotta keep some stuff to everything. Yeah. And I think that was a mistake. I never talked about it. Yeah, yeah, that was a big mistake. It is, you gotta keep some stuff to yourself. Everything, I did, it was a weirda fucking meltdown at the fucking airport today. Yeah, yeah, cause I've shared everything.

I've shared everything. Right. So now people know my kids and they know my, well, yeah, that's bad. It's not the best. Yeah, no, I don't recommend that so much. I think I, if I could do it over again, I probably would have named myself

something else on my show when I had a show. Oh, yeah. And I think I would have I could do it over again, I probably would have named myself something else on my show when I had a show. Oh, yeah. And I think I would have played it a little closer to the best part. Yeah, if I, I mean, now that I know that I could just tell a story, yeah, I would have definitely, but I don't know, there's another part of me

that thinks there's certain things I shared that maybe were too much, but like, you know, I talked about Ilo and Shikater period. I talked about our whole code and... Yeah, that's tough, man. I don't talk about my kids anymore. Yeah. I mean, they're older now.

I hold 17 and 20. Oh, really? Yeah. But anyway, I stopped a few years ago. So you just had, so your wife was pregnant when we worked together? Probably, yeah. Yeah, with the second one.

God damn it. Yeah, years and years go by, man. It's insane how go by and then you die and then your kids die. That's like what? Yeah, it's not being dead is nothing. What do I do? The transition is scary to think about. No, it's not being dead. Being dead is nothing. What a tool. The transition is scary to think about. No, it was scary.

Yeah. What's scary is the moment you're in the bed. And everyone's looking at you. That's where you see it happening. And yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's standing around you. Happening your friend in the street, though. Did he die when he died there? He died there.

Were you there? Oh yeah, I think I would think. Did you go over and look, was he like this on the pavement? Oh no, I walked away. I walked away and I said he's gonna be fine. I was really crazy. I'm really good, not, I'm really good in stressful moments

of absolute denial. Yeah, you disassociate. Dissociate, like he's gonna be fine, guys. He's gonna be fine. People get hit by car all the time. All the time, I walked to the attorney house and they were like, he's dead. And I was like, he's not dead, guys.

No one's talked to a doctor. Yeah, man, this is your thing. I got to a fist fight that night. I was with this friend of mine, she used to be my girlfriend, is French woman. She's great, great. She's like my best friend. But we were together.

Was this a chick you dated? Yeah, she we were together for a couple of years. Did you live in France when things got weird? No, no, I went there, I went there on a trip and I met her. So we had a long distance relationship though. But I spiked it sometimes. French women.

I've never got to have a French woman. She's the greatest. She's my favorite person. Like, did she do stuff like wake up, wake up naked and light a cigarette and go, and need to coffee in a glass of wine? No, no. No, but she was very French.

But how did you hang out with a French woman? Because you're pretty like American. I'm very American. Like you're like, I need a cinema. Yeah. I'm very American. But no, I like Europe though. I like Europe.

I love Europe. Yeah. Do you tour there? I'm going there tonight. It's great. Where are you going? I'm going to Oslo tonight. Oh, Oslo tonight.

I leave it three o'clock. That's Oslo's a great town. You know what we're doing tomorrow? We're getting a boat with a sauna on it. Of course you're doing a whole thing. And we're doing, you don't just go to Oz-Law. What about, I'll just do that.

You have a whole thing. You have barbecue things and you have a whole, you know what I can do? I just go with the thing. You know what I can do with your talent? Like if I was as good as stand up as you, I'd be playing fucking stadiums. I used to play stadiums.

I know, but I'd be doing it right now. I don't think about, no, I'm not thinking if I as you. I'd be playing fucking stadiums. I used to play stadiums. I know, but I'd be doing it right now. I don't think about, no, I'm not thinking if I was you. I think if I had your talent. Right. If I was half the fucking comic you are, you're a very funny, funny, very funny. You're very funny. Thank you very much.

There you are. Wait, so go back to the French check. So we are sitting in a restaurant in Paris, and she had her back to the window to the, you know, the street I was looking at the street behind her traffic. Yeah, and we're talking and this guy I Pulls up to park a scooter and then a car comes and just fucking just T-bones and he goes up and falls Like he twirls in the air and falls. And I went, oh shit, and you heard people scream and stuff,

and I go, and she goes, what happened? She doesn't look. I said, the sky just got creamed by a car. And she goes, yeah, he's okay, right? And I go, I don't think so. And I'm looking and somebody's like, and the guy's like trembling and stuff and somebody's carrying him on the sidewalk

and I go, he's hurt really bad. And she goes, he's fine. Everything's okay. Everything's okay. And then she starts going, everything's okay. Everything's okay. Everything starts singing the song. And I was like, wow, you're insane.

You're insane. It was a really weird realization. Like, wow, that's how you'd coped. But then later, a few years later, I was on about eight grams of mushrooms. And she was there with me and I looked at her and I remembered that moment and I said, that's so funny that I thought there was something wrong with you in that moment.

Of course, you were the only sane person in the whole. Like on mushrooms, I remembered that moment and realized she was right, she was right. Everything was okay. Everything's okay. Yeah, he got hit so what? He's on a scooter, he got hit. His leg will be ill-been physical therapy for a few months.

Yeah. Or he might die, he might get a blood clot and die. Who fucking cares? Everything's okay. It's all right, everything works out, you know? Yeah. I don't know, I'm not as afraid of things as I used to be. Like, I don't get as anxious about the world.

Like, if we decide to blow each other up, like to just blow up the world, that's what we did. That's what we did. There'll be, from if you go to the real wide shot, like space and the earth is this big, you'll just sort of somebody look at it and we'll be like, what's going on there? And then everybody dies on it.

And it doesn't change. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's not that much to worry about. There's lots to worry about. I don't have to worry about it though. Look, not only are you going to die, you're going to be nothing like you never wore anything. But that should make you less concerned. I mean, you just all you have. So then, so then, so then,

so then, so then theoretically why don't I live like a Viking and just go and suck and fuck. Because that's not done much fun. It's you feel, you feel more and you experience more by living a normal life. A normal average, wide shot life life is you feel more, you get more out of it. You have a ther is an argument for being a realist. It's exciting. It's temporary, it leaves you dry. It leaves you, you know what I mean?

That's why you're afraid of death. Because you're playing fucking baseball stadiums and you're flying around in private jets up in there. It doesn't life doesn't compare well. And it's, those exciting moments are very quick. They don't remember them that much. You're not going to remember them that much. You know, it's really the, it's like just like sitting with your daughter waiting for,

to be called to the, you know, whatever, to the thing, whatever. You take your kid to sign up for something. And I'm not just saying the magic of being a parent or something, but it's just a sober, regular boring life is that special. So then give me like, give me like one, like I'd say like a stadium shot, meaning like, you know how like we do an arena and you're like, I'll get one picture, like those stadium shot moments meaning like you know how like we do an arena and you're like I'll get one picture

Like those stadium shot moments because you're right. I don't I don't like the my favorite one ever Was in Tallahassee with the spear leaving everyone in the war chant But I don't really remember it right. You don't have it in your head anymore. I can't access it I can't feel the thing I felt there right, but I but I do have moments in life where I access, like when George or George wore that Wonder Woman costume, I mean, I can feel this, very, she, the boots that were portrayed on Amazon, were just, they just covered up sneakers,

and her heart was broken. She thought she got real boots. She got, like when you saw her, this point, I went, hold on. Ooh, I can feel it. Like I go, we can fix this. We can fix, I can access that emotion immediately, but I can't access the big, no,

it's because that's a very beautiful moment. For your wife, who's your wife? George, at my youngest. When she got her, I wonder what I'm gonna cost you. Okay, for holding that here. Fucked me up because you're talking about your wife, trying to my youngest. When she got her one room costume, she could see that you fucked me up because you're talking about your wife trying to fuck you in a Wonder Woman outfit.

And then she's fine. I was pollinated. Yeah. But like I remember that feeling of Georgia, not having records. No, that's a forever feeling, right? But these stadium feelings are not. Like I did Madison Square Garden,

I don't know, eight times in my life. And I remember every show, after the show, I would look up, I'd watch the guys clean up and stuff, and I'd look at it and I'd go like, I wanna feel something, I couldn't feel anything. It's like it's just a day of work, I live downtown, I took the subway and I do MSG, like it was my job, and I just go home and I go, is this special? This is supposed to be special. Exactly, the first time I did the Wilbur, I took the subway and I do MSG, like it was my job and I just go home. And I go, is this special?

This is supposed to be special. Exactly, the first time I did the Wilbur, I feel that way. I sat in the back and I went, I feel like I should be high-fiving someone. Yeah, and as soon as you just did your job. But then, and I don't really remember those shows. And then years later, all this shit,

my ability to do things like that went away, I lost everything. And then I went to see Bob Seeger in Madison Square Garden as a spectator. And I just went with my friend Joe and, um, Joe list. Yeah, Joe list. And Joe Mackie, too, I went with two Joes to see Bob Seeger, who I grew up high school. Bob Seeger was the soundtrack to my high school. Yes.

Mainstown on Main Street. Rambling, Rambling Man. Rambling, Rambling Man. That's one of my best promo videos was Rambling, Rambling Man. It's just the greatest fucking, yeah. So I went to see my Never Seam Live, and this was his last show. He announced this is his last show at the Garden. And so I'm sitting there and he comes out and he's singing all the songs and it's a beautiful

show. He has 14 guys on stage. And you don't know why. And you realize there's two bass players. Two can stand next to each other. And he goes, he introduces him and goes, this is Mike, whatever. He was from, he was with me since 1962. And next to him is a young man who's coming up.

Basically, he keeps his band together, but they can't play anymore. They're too old. They're all in their 70s. But he keeps in there, but he has, they each have like a partner guy, like a young guy who's really playing. But anyway, so I'm watching that show, and I realize, I think that he and I are the only two people in this room who have been on that stage, like where the only two people who have had lined this room.

And I'm just sitting here and seat number whatever. And I got really sad. And I was just crying. And also his music is very emotional. So I called Blanche, my French gal friend. And I said, I told her how sad I was. And she said, I'm going to challenge you and tell you you weren't sad. I'm going to tell you it was joy because you were finally able to see

the beauty of what you did in that room. You were finally able to, because the garden is, when you're sitting in it, it's so beautiful, it's such a beautiful place. And she said, you're finally, after all these years able, because now that you've come down and you're standing on the earth again, you're able to see that it's so awesome that you did that.

That it's so incredible that you did it. When you're in it, you can't. There's no drag on your wings. You're in the stratosphere. But when you come back down, you can go, I can't believe I was fucking there. I can't believe I was there. And I'm going back.

I'm doing it one more time. We should talk about that. We should have a talk about the whole other one. I wanna, this French chick sounds fucking awesome. She should have a better hold on one. I want to. This French chick sounds fucking awesome. She's the best. She's the best person I know. Have you seen, have you seen the, the morning show with Jennifer Aniston? No. No. No. Steve Carell in that plays Matt Lauer. Okay. He gets canceled. Yeah. And he goes to Italy. And

he meets this Italian chick. It's the same girl that was in. Do you remember hot shots with Martin? Sure, yeah, I heard it. I didn't remember her. She's really funny. Is it like something? Yeah, I think.

She's fucking beautiful. Beautiful to this day, beautiful. And but there's a European way of looking at cancel culture that seemed very sexy, that I was like, okay, that's where you go. Well, the Europe has got its own thing now. It's got its own cancely stuff. For real?

Oh sure, yeah. It's all over the world. Is it, oh, cause they're all going alt right, right? Well, I don't know. We have a tendency to people start, you know, like there's words that are in French, American words that are making their way into the language. Like problematic is they say it in French, they don't have a French word.

For real. Did you do it? It's your problematic. Yeah. Yeah. Like where, where, where, that so, so where they're a little behind, but yeah, they got their own shit going on. Yeah.

Truly anamorphosis. There's this, this is a really great show. By the way, it's it's really fucking great She's not the one you're talking about though, right? She's not from hot shots Julianna. No, no, no, no, it is Isabella scroll down It's Very she It's gonna be maybe even lower. I forget where she, that's her.

Now I'll read Gullino. Oh, is that her? Okay. She was from Hot Shots. That's right. That's such a great fucking movie. Yeah. Can I ask you, I hope you don't, we can add it to this

out if you don't want it. But where did you, did you, when you had that year off? Did you go anywhere? Did you like, did you go anywhere? Did you go to Europe? Stayed home and was with my kids and stuff. For real, just stayed home? Yeah, I mean, I had to be, you know,

my kids were with me half of every week. I was just, I was just, Oh, you saw to be a, oh my God. Yeah, so just being a dad. That's so crazy. You saw to be a parent. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you got to tap out and go get fucking drug drugs in South Africa for a year. You're on it, be a dad. And, oh, fuck, live life and I have a dog and... Oh, you stole the dog? Sure. You don't throw your dog in the garbage, right? No, I just think there's a point

when you said the dog in the couch and like, look, things have gone sideways. No, but it has. That's otherwise I wouldn't have made it, I don't think. For real? Sure. No, I needed life, my normal life. Really?

How long did it take for you to bounce back? A couple of years from now. So, Madison Square Garden? Yeah, so I'm going back to it. So, where's your brain? Your brain has never been on page with Hollywood like your brain has always been a little outside You were the first one to release on your your special on your website. That's right. Oh horse and grant or horse and Pete horse grants a basketball player It's good horse and Pete

I mean you helped launch so many people that were struggling like like some So many people that were struggling, like some shows and then I wanna say Tiggs names I know she kinda threw you under the bus but one Mississippi you helped launch of Zach Alfinakis' baskets. You brought back Louis Anderson. I mean so many big things where it's almost like, and then just even like the side thing,

like I remember being like, someone was like, did you see the latest episode of Louis? I was like why? And they're like, his wife see the latest episode of Louis? I was like, why? And they're like, his wife's black. And I go, I go, wait. How can that happen? Susan Collette, she wats. And they're like, they go,

Louis said she was the best actress for the job. Yeah, I wanted it. I didn't want a black wife. I just wanted, we're looking at the, we're having people come in and they all look the same and they all kind of sound the same. And and I thought can we open it up racially? Let's just get some black just so we different voices different colors different different attitudes Oh, oh, oh, oh an ex-wife by the way. Yeah, and so I thought an ex a black ex-wife that's interesting

So we had some black women come in and then she just was as soon as I saw her It just the concerns about what race she is or whatever just melted away. And it was business. I just thought she was so good. It was bizarre because all of a sudden, you don't, and not say that you don't see color because you always do, I guess, is what you're supposed to.

But like, I just was like, oh, that's the, I didn't get hung up the way I thought I'd be hung up. Yeah, you know, there, everything on TV is a buy, and it's all fake. You're not really watching what you think you're watching. So you do something that's a little illogical, but there's funny behind it. Like it's on the way to something funny. The audiences are really sophisticated, so they look at it and they go, what?

All right. It's just a blip and then they accept it. It's impossible. The kids were white and they would add some pigment they didn't. But so who gives it shit? So then, so you were saying, I don't know how much you want to share about this because you said it to me and I thought that was really fascinating. You're doing Madison Square Garden in the round. Yeah. So I, so I'm doing it on January 28th and I'm going to a live stream on my website. And it's my first time back there.

I've done some big rooms. I've been touring a lot last few years. I've done two specials. One on a Grammy. One won a Grammy. The second one got nominated. How good did that Grammy feel? It was nice. You know, when I used to win awards, I didn't, I just found it awkward.

I didn't really care about it. But this one was, it was very nice. I bet I wasn't there. I was just care about it, but this one was very nice. I bet. I wasn't there. I was just, you know, my assistant, it was 2020, 2021. Yeah. So is pandemic stuff? No, nothing much about it.

It looks like the best. No, no, I meant, I meant you couldn't be there because of the pandemic. No, I just didn't want to go. I just didn't want to go to the Grammys. Yeah. I'm not, I just a ward shows her drag, you know. I love them. I've never

been to one. I would think it would be cool. It's fun to look at the when you're first year, like when I first was on getting nominations. I mean, it was fun to go to the Emmys and look at the famous six. Yeah, six and three Grammys, I guess. But anyway, so yeah, so I don't remember what I'm, I'm live streaming the show on my website. So it's gonna be on January 28th and I haven't been back to the garden, but I wanna do it one more time. I'm not gonna do it again after this, I don't think.

I think this is my last time doing something that big because because I wanted to be special, because it's some, you know, I just want to go back one more time and it's in the rounds to the audiences all around us, me, and it's going to be live streaming on my website, so you can watch it live on my website. So the camera is that we'll be shooting this in the round.

We'll be going straight to your website. So the camera's that will be shooting this in the round. We'll be going straight to your website. Straight to the website. And you can watch it live or you can watch it for like another 10 days. I'll leave it up for like 10 days and then I'm taking it down. It's just like a live event thing. And then I'll have a special of the same material. Yeah. That I'm actually shooting this weekend at the Dolby in LA where they where they do the Oscars. Yeah. I'm doing two shows there tomorrow in the next night. And those I'm shooting as a proper special, like you know, with two shows and cameras flying around. And that will be more like the album, you know what I mean? What are you doing?

But the 28th, that'll be, it's 25 bucks and you can watch it and I have Keith Robinson's opening for me. It'll all be in the show. Really? And then I also have, this is kind of cool, Ravi Coltrane, who is John Coltrane's son. Great, sax player, great, has this trio. And I saw them in a club in New York.

And I was like, this guy's amazing. And I had this weird idea, what if he opened for me at the garden? What if I had these guys playing for me before me in the garden? And I did it, but I thought I'm not gonna say anything. But so I walked up to him after the show to say, hey, I enjoyed the music. And he said, I'm going to see you at Madison Square Garden.

He had tickets. So I said, you want to play? And he said, yeah. So he's playing. So they'll be a little bit of jazz, like about 10 minutes of jazz. Right before you go on right before me. Right before me before me really because I want the audience to be listening to him I'm more excited about that than my own show is this guy playing this jet this weird freaky jazz

For fucking it's about 18 19,000 people. Yeah, the that's that's You're you you know, I mean I it says but, as a comic, my brain immediately wants to ask you the micro questions because it's all the stuff we'll be doing in the future. Like you were the first person to kind of eliminate audience shots. Mm-hmm. And I remember going, there's no audience shots in that.

Yeah, there's no point. Yeah. There's no point. Cosby did it too. Cosby himself is like one of the best stand-up films ever. And he just sits in a chair, you never see the audience. He's a little bit more.

Yes, I heard, yeah. And prior, my favorite of all time is prior, what do you call it, live in concert. Yeah. And that one, I don't think there's much in the audience. There's some big shots of the whole, and I do that, you know? Yeah, a big wide, yeah.

But I don't like specific audience, but I do that, you know. Yeah, a big wide. Yeah, but I don't like specific audience, but I only do it because I was sure and I was like, oh, there's no audience shots. You were also the first person to go back to clubs and do a special clubs. Yeah, I don't know if I was that. You were. Ryan Regan heads one of his best specializes

at the improv. Or Ryan Improv, that's a great, like, everyone. Yeah, that's like his, I mean, he's one of the best effort. He is. Ryan Regan made me laugh harder than most people. Like him, Norm and Zach, I think of the ones that made my fucking gut move the hardest. Zach Leanne's not a big laugher.

A lot of times she'll go, I don't get it. Which makes me incensed. I go, try. Yeah. And which makes me incensed. I go try. Yeah. Listen to it again. Right. She likes to dismiss things. I don't know if it's, I think there's a power in that.

Sometimes people cry. Well, the kid laughing at comedy is surrendering. Yeah. And so I think she likes, and she did not Zach got up and played the piano. Daniel Tosh opened one before Zach. And she, where I went, is it in junior kids? Okay. And uh, Daniel Tosh went up before. And it's 22. I like it. God. It bums me out that I don't, that he's not, he's living his life.

He's got tons of money. He doesn't need to go towards the way he's too bad. He's so talented. He's so talented. So talented. And he opened his set by mocking me by going, oh, my name's Bert. Oh, and Leanne goes, he's doing your act. I go, no, he's not doing my act. I was like, in the back, I was like, just shut up and fucking listen.

Just, he's nice. He's my friend. And then she was like, I don't like him. And then Zach went up. She's like, is he just gonna play the piano? What the fuck? And then one joke up. She's like, is he just gonna play the piano? What the fuck? And then one joke, he had one joke that he said, it was the last joke he said, he goes,

I don't know, it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry off the shoe. And Leon goes, now he's funny, I went, I wish we had that energy at the beginning when he started speaking. And then you could have enjoyed all of it Yeah, but like but like yeah, the Those I mean, but you club specials. Yeah club specials. Yeah, you did the yours at the improv right?

I know the story the story the story I didn't win there. Yeah, so what so what what are you artistically as a director doing with this special? Different than your last special well round specials in the round are great because the audience is all around you. Like, you're looking, the camera's looking at you and the audience is all behind you. People shoot it in the round and just don't turn. Oh no, that's insane. No, you have, it's like a... That's what I thought.

It's like a Mazda rotary engine. Like, you have all these cameras set up and they don't see each other. It's a perfect way to shoot a special because you just, the cameras can't see each other. Yeah. And that there's no effort in that because you just have them off access from each other. It's a perfect way to shoot a special because you just the cameras can't see each other. And that there's no effort in that because you just have them off access from each other. And wherever you look there's a camera. You're never not fully frontal. Everywhere you look there's one there, there's one there, and behind you is audience. So it's not like where you're shooting the guy on stage than the audience. The guy and you

try to do side shots where the guy's here and the audience is here. And those never work. And the comedian always looks a little isolated on stage. So it's a little, there's something about specials they never quite look good. But round specials are kind of perfect. They look beautiful.

I did mind it, the celebrity theater and Phoenix. Surtamjusha does. That's where I also Nate did one. Nate Bargatsi does his there. And the first guy to do it was Karlin. Karlin's best special to me, I don't forget what it's called, but it's in that theater on that stage

and they haven't changed that place at all. At all. The hardest I've ever seen Shane Gillis kill. And Shane's great. Yeah. He's the, there's no way to The only thing you can I can quantify I like to see him blow up the waves blowing up But I like to see him get more confident with his material and take bigger chance

I like that. Yes, the best thing about shame was when I first met him And he was just like a open-micro and you saw the funny thing that he doesn't didn't know was funny Yeah, right and you go Oh, this guy's funny. Yeah, he's a little of victim of his own act a little bit like he isn't the owl together comfortable up there But I think that's good. I agree needs to stay that way. He got a standing ovation open opening for me at the celebrity theater He got a standing great ovation. Great. Oh, yeah, if you're Shane if you're me and you gotta go up next like Oh my god, it's all good two-serts. I got to take off two-serts. Jesus fuck.

He didn't know he was getting it. That's good for you. He goes, man, you know, Shane handbond is back, all right, thanks. And they stood up and he went, no. And then he looked around and he started walking off. We're like, go, go, you're getting a standing on fuck, go, basically.

Yeah. He destroyed me and him, we're doing, we're doing the Molot Arena. Molot Arena? In Tempe. Oh, that's great. We're doing, you know, it's funny. I'll say, you know, look, obviously, is it a sports arena who play? Is it, how big is it? It's 5,000. Yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. And so we're doing, I mean, I would, I would, I have to be honest and say to Testament to Shane and Mark Norman, as I put them on the bill, you know, a year ago and said, you know, hey, let's go to the

Super Bowl. It's a weekend of the Super Bowl. I said, we'll do a show Friday night. And then I, I mean, I definitely sell tickets, but these guys are blowing up, sitting now on a clip that we're doing, I think, five nights. That's great. That's a fucking, that's great. And I'm, I'm at the point where I'm like,

I gotta write my new hour really fucking quick. Yeah. If I'm gonna follow these guys. Yes. Cause they're fucking, well that's good. That's why it's good to have strong openers. It's like sparring partners.

It makes you better. Yeah. And it makes your audience happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. We have this idea that if a guy kills you can't follow him, but it's better for you. Oh, oh well. It's aggressive. Hold on. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy.

The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy.

The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy.

The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. The audience is gonna be very happy. Are you sure? And I thought he was saying it because he had been canceled. And I was like, oh man, I think my fans love you. It was you. And I go, and I was like, and I was like, and I was like, and I was, and as you walked out, I was like, in that weird that Lou, my fucking fans love Louie. Like of course, and they go, that's what I, and this is what I meant.

But then they said, are you sure you want me on stage? Then they said, well, you could also go, you do have to follow Louis. Yeah, and you, I tell the truth, you murdered for 10 minutes had a good set. Your audience was amazing. They, well, it was the greatest treat in the world. Is there an out-see-a-comity show?

And they're like, holy fucking shit, Louis CK's here. They went bananas and I remember going, did he take a shirt off? Like, did, why is it, is this really loud? Is he taking shirts off? That was the whole thing? How come it's getting so good? And then I got out and I was like,

I was like, oh, fucking, struggled for the first five minutes. You did great. I watched your whole set. And then I told you, I said, you told me one of my jokes that I, and I did my special. That's something about a, you sign,

a deaf kid sign. Yeah, what was the joke? It's very funny. It's my about a sign, a deaf kid sign. Yeah, what was the joke? It's very funny. It's my daughter saying something about the deaf kids. It's, it's my special, so I'll, yeah. Yeah, I'll let them see it. Okay, but it's very funny. I laughed at a lot of stuff in that set.

It was really good, but yeah, it's, so, it is, I like, I personally, we do a fully loaded tour every year where we bring, we did it with a tell last year, we do, we bring like 10 comics to tour buses. Right, open invite, by the way. I'll tell you what, I'll put out an offer, when we start doing offers, I'll put out an offer.

I have two, I have two, I have two, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I have two. I have two that I think you'd really like to do, that would be really fun. And I think we'd all have a blast. I can't do it though, because the show the Garden is going to be my last show. I mean I'm stopping after that. No.

Yeah because- What do you mean? Well because first of all it's going to be live. It's going to be live on my website. You're stopping stand-up after it? Well for at least a year. I'm taking a year off I think. What?

But also because I'm not going to have any jokes. I'm going to have burnt all the jokes are going to be seen on the special on the 28. Yeah but I can't tour after that. I have to shut down. Oh, you gotta do it's 15 minutes. I got it on at 15 minutes. Me jokes. Shane, I need a break. Well, party. Well, party. Sounds great. Well, you know, look, but that's like going back in time.

Like, that's what it felt like when I went to Minneapolis, because I'd been in this crazy thing of a train. I remember you telling me a lot of like really kind of sage things. I used to do arenas and stuff all the time. You told me that you go, you're doing arenas. I said, yeah, you go. It's for you. Yeah, exactly.

The audience is nice. It's fun. Like, wow, look, I'm in an arena, but the audience is like, I can't even see him. You're walking to TX comedian. You shouldn't have to walk up a big cement ramp and like sit in a fucking bleacher seat, holding a cup with a basketball player on it, like Duncan, like, and you're watching

really on a like a TV above your head. And he's this big and there's people talking. That's a shitty show. Tampa. I'm gonna be at the Emily Arena February 17. I think a comedian who gets an opportunity should to do arenas You should do it once it's and again, it is for you It's also a way to make a shit ton of money

You make so much that you can fly in private jets and it's actually economical suddenly like cheaper applying a jet Yeah, you could do more shows you can do like five arenas and five nights It's but it's insane. It's a it's you're not you have no There's no friction. There's no it's insane. It's a, it's, you're not, you have no, there's no friction, there's no, it's just life gets crazy. You should do it once. I'm doing this is my real story. But then the next tour, you should do theaters,

because if you're a fan, you watch the guy, every time it comes to town, you know, if you're a Minneapolis, you see him come to the Akami every year and then you go, he's at the pantages now, that's cool, he's at the state theater. And then he plays the fucking timber wolves stadium I'm playing there and you go there as a fan you go, huh?

Okay, good for you, Bert. I'm happy for you But the next year if he's at the timber wolves, but you don't see him again there You'll see him at the pantages every time he comes. Yeah, your favorite comedian I this is not gonna go see him at the fucking arena every year. Tom did his arena tour was coming everywhere, and then I'm doing topsof as my arena tour starting in February, and then I think, I think, I would love to say I'm done for a year. I probably don't have that brain.

I can't. Yeah, I need the time off. I need the time. And I also wanna put a lot of pressure on that show. That shows the very special thing to me that's showing the 20th. I'm gonna watch it. I'll be in the 20th. I'm gonna watch it. I'll be in London.

Yeah, I'm gonna watch it. It's gonna be cool, I think. It'll be fun. I'm gonna put everything I got back in, just into that show, and in being in the garden one more time, and knowing I'm never gonna do something this big. Would you wear it?

I never do a show with that many people. Would you wear it in suit? No, no, never. Just something like this, yeah. I remember you did one special, you had a stain on head. Sure. Yeah, I always look like shit on stage.

There's no way around it. I did his bezel, I did, hey big boy, and I did, I got to, we went into the edit. Yeah, and I was like, I was like, the second show was the best, and they're like, you know, you have a big mustard stain on your pants. I was like, huh? And Leanne's like, remember, you needed hot dogs. And I was like, no one would have just noticed that there was mustard on my your pants. I was like, huh? And Leanne's like, remember, you needed hot dogs.

And I was like, no one would have just noticed that there was mustard on my fucking pants? Well, when I did this special for Netflix, I wore a suit. It's the only time I ever did that. And my collar popped out of the suit and it was doing this for the entire second show. And it was the best show.

And we paid a guy to delete it. I mean, you can catch it in some shots that the collar is a little funny looking. Really? But a nerd just went through the entire show and erased the stick and out collar. It's very expensive. What time's we show tonight?

No show tonight. Tomorrow at the Dolby. I don't know, it's like 7.30 or 8. I don't fucking know. Two shows? One, yeah, one Saturday, one Sunday. Oh. And then I go all over.

I'm doing the Chicago theater. I'm doing Austin City limits, whatever the movie. You know, you're on tour until 10 to 20. Yeah, that I do. That I'm doing it shitload of shows. I'm doing the, I'm going back to the Constitution Hall in DC. It's great.

Eddie Murphy, I'm gonna play. Yes, the lyrics are. I shot a special there too. You did too? That's where I did the Netflix one. Yeah, it was in that theater. It's great, Eddie Murphy got it. Yes, the lyrics there. I shot a special there too, yeah. You did do? That's where I did the Netflix one, yeah, it was in that theater. It's a great fucking theater. It's like a little little arena.

It is. It's really intimate. And then I'm doing a Constitutional lyric. Yeah, then I'm doing the lyric in Baltimore. But I'm doing like a shit ton of shows. The lyrics, great. Lewis, I'm doing New Orleans, mobile. So, and then it all ends that night at the garden.

Yeah. Well, there's a number of things I'm proud of achieving in this business, but number one is being a friend. It's really cool to know you. Same here, but it really is. I had such a good time in Minneapolis, because I came there. I was doing a theater next door.

I was doing it a much smaller theater. And with Joe Mackie and Morgan Murphy. Morgan Murphy. And we're doing our theater and I was happy to be there. It took me a while to get back to the place I'm doing theaters again. But my shows are, they feel good and humble. And it was fun to come to your, and you've got this fucking bus and like,

the big barrels with charcoal in them, you're making barbecues. When your comics is making barbecues, they don't like, yeah. And it was such a scene. And you're, and you just seen happy. And everybody was, everybody's happy to be on this big tour with you, you know?

And so it was really fun. And they get to go on stage, it was really great. You're marvelous. You feel that kind of crowd again. Because I'm having great shows. But that thing, that feeling of like, he's the guy, he's the guy, we love that guy. You get your first big tours. Yeah.

You don't get that back. You're not going to have that your whole life. You're not going to need it your whole life. I don't need that anymore. You're not gonna have that your whole life. You're not gonna need it your whole life. I don't need that anymore. I actually like working without it, but it was really fun to feel. It was a really gift you gave me to just hop on your horse for a minute and go like,

this is fun. That's cool. I'm really happy for you that you're getting to have that. Well, I just know that we've all been watching the path your horse takes through the jungle and following it our entire career. So be careful man, don't do that. Don't follow that horse.

Right over the fucking cliff. There's a lot of quick stand, believe me. And it's not so sexy. Thank you, Louis. Sure man, thank you. Bird and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swat the other, where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. Thank you. Dirty jokes, rotten shiver, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave