2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Live from the Rose Bowl | 2 Bears 5K ft. Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa & Are You Garbage?

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

The End is here! Ari's new storytelling show is $5.99 per episode at https://theend.ymhstudios.com. There's a total of 7 episodes for you to enjoy! Check out Joe DeRosa's new podcast Vile and Horrendous Pull up a chair and listen to what Joe does best: piss and moan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvLI8xCAa0 Also, check out Tom's new bakery, Ciccio Bomba, at the new third location at 1100 South Lamar Blvd in Austin, right across from the Alamo Drafthouse. SPONSORS: - 🌎 Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans! Use code bears at checkout. Download Saily app or go to https://saily.com/bears ⛵ - Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger® Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com! - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Get sixty days free at https://ShipStation.com with code cave - For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://Mengotomars.com Live from the legendary Rose Bowl during Netflix Is A Joke Fest, the Bears are back and even sweatier than usual! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer take the stage fresh off the 2 Bears 5K for a completely unhinged live episode packed with race stories, weight loss victories, comic cameos, chaos, and pure degeneracy. Joined by Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, and the guys from Are You Garbage?, the crew covers everything from losing hundreds of pounds and surviving airplane bathrooms while fat, to bidet discoveries, Netflix brunch disasters, H. Foley's iPhone nightmare, and the emotional insanity that surrounds the 2 Bears community. Plus: Bert reveals he mailed busts of his own dick to his closest friends, Tom bombs in front of Eddie Murphy and lives to tell the tale, Ari returns from traveling the world with a surprise award, and the whole crew spirals into stories about body transformations, sobriety, addiction, and comedy fame. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 329 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:50 - Jelly Roll aka The Third Bear 00:23:40 - H. Foley & Kevin Ryan 00:49:51 - Ari Shaffir 01:03:38 - Joe DeRosa 01:12:56 - Wrap & Plugs Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up? Are you in Austin? Are you visiting Austin? Do you live in Austin? Well, I welcome you to please come check out Chichot Bomba. That is the Italian bakery that I have open in Austin. We are now at three locations. We're at the fairground food hall underneath the Wells Fargo building downtown. We are in the lobby of the Scarborough building. And we have our all-new flagship location at 1100 South Lamar right in front of the Alamo Draft House. We have pastries. We have coffee. We have have homemade Italian sandwiches. We have pizza. We have pasta. So just come in, rub my big belly, which it's in our statue, eat some food, and enjoy yourself. And I hope you have a good time at Chichabomba, which means a little fat ass. 100%. Cheers. Hello, everybody. Hi, everyone. Oh, this chair feels fucking nice. Oh, my God. Did anyone else say the personal best today? is anyone downweight from the first time they ran it?

They're out of breath. Did anyone set a really crazy time on the first heat? Five minutes. Yeah. 22 minutes. Personal best. Wow. Just shy of a 5K.

Thank you guys for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for being here, everybody. This is. a live podcast. We have a bunch of comedians. We're going to bring them up in and out. My name's Bert. This is Tom and we are live at the Rose Bowl. Yes, sir. I just cramped walking up to this. My calf cramped and I'm scared about the next hour. My toenails going to come off. Fucking cool. By the way. Yeah, you can have my toenails, sir.

Fuck. Yeah, dude. Sell that. shit. I'll tell you this is such a cool, cool experience. And it's so nice to see all these people out here and to see so many familiar faces with the fun t-shirts. I see one where I'm tucking my dick between my legs. Thank you. That's awesome. A picture from when Tom and I did a show with vivid porn stars. Yes. We saw Evan Stone's cock. That was a great day. Yes. That was a really great that there's oh yeah that's me as um yeah a cool lady

Brigitte sorry so I think it's only fitting if we start off this podcast by bringing up what I think is the third bear the third biggest most important guy here it's me Tom and jelly every time we do these he's did this the last time two years ago and oh I think over 500 pounds today's weighing in anywhere between 250 and 270.

Oh shit. Ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Jelly roll. Jelly. I love y'all. What's up Los Angeles? Burke,

I'm sure you've already been talking about it, but fuck, this microphone is scorching hot. Would you mind to say hot too? It's really hot. I might have to borrow fucking towel. That's yeah, Tao.

I'll see that towel. I'll see it. Feel that. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's going to catch on fire. Let's fucking watch out for that one. All right, I'll move that one to the shade. I heard so many stories out there.

We finished with a guy who lost 300 pounds when he heard about this race two years ago. Yeah, that was amazing. So that was two guys that have lost 250. Where's that? Is he still here if y'all know this guy? But he's got a shirt that says every mile matters. He's what is he met his wife last year at Tampa. Yeah.

You want to talk about a real two bears love story? Tom Segere. That's pretty crazy. This dude lost. He heard about the first one. lost a bunch of weight to run in the second one, and then met his wife at the second one and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here for the third one.

That's awesome. You guys should do anal tonight. You've earned it. That's amazing. What's amazing is he showed us a picture of him at his biggest. And I think everyone's got one of those pictures. And you always wish I was a little bit bigger because I've lost the weight. His is the best biggest picture I've ever seen.

His family came to his house to say goodbye to him. I thought he was going to die. And today he ran a fucking 5K. Let's go. Isn't it cool that you can laugh at that now? It's hysterical now that you were bigger than my 600 pound life. Bro, you can laugh about the fact that you had a funeral planned. Everyone was like, we've got to get this huge fucking casket.

They make one for the circus. We can borrow it. Jelly, you came down. since this whole thing started, you're down several hundred. Almost, almost 300 pounds. That's incredible. Wow. Can I ask you, when you look back as a guy who has gone so far now in this, in this like fitness kind of ride, what was like, what did you used to think when you saw just like a staircase?

Oh, Jesus. Did you used to go like, fuck me, we're staying down here? I counted them. Really? I would count staircases. I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I was so fat.

I would try to. Oh, wait. This is a fun game. Yeah. Let's do fat guy things that no one else thinks of. By the way, a booth, fuck a booth. No, no, booths. The biggest one, though, for years, Tom.

And I'm sure you went through this even when, because you wasn't that fat, but you were still pretty fucking fat. Oh, you were pretty fat. Hold on, hold on. Tom was way fatter than he pretends. Just because you didn't get on the scale. a 315 doesn't mean you weren't 315. No, it was never 315.

That was never 315. Each fucking bag of shit. No, I did not. Tom was the Rachel Dolan's all of fat. Airplane bathrooms. Oh, shit. I used to have this nightmare because they were so small I couldn't turn around in them. So if I had to walk in and pee, that wasn't a problem.

I would just back out. But my fear was if I ever had to shit. I was going to have to back in. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Oh, they'd see you going into taking shit. Did I like to back into this bathroom? Beep, beep, beep. So airplane bathrooms, we know stairs suck. Sheelaces fucking suck. Listen, my mama's still, my mom is from a competitive family. My mom is fat. Okay. She was like, you think you're fat. To this day, you know how fat people are tired of her shoe on the side? My mama's shoe slaces are always tied over here. Over there.

Where she pulls her leg up and ties it like this right here. So it's tied over there. Right, because this is out of the question. The idea of me tying my shoe like that's fucking absurd. Buying jeans at the mall. Me and Big J. O'Kerson, we're talking about all the stuff we can do together.

Yeah. Me and Jay O'Kerson said we can go buy jeans at the mall together. That's fucking crazy. We can ride roller coasters together. I went to six flags last summer, not six flags, Universal Studios. Yeah. The first time I ever rode a roller coaster was as a 41 year old adult male. See, that's another fun thing. You know what else you could do now that you couldn't do before?

Just get on the floor if you feel like it. Or on top of my wife. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. You know how great it is to not be positionally challenged anymore? That's right. I have a joke about it. Watching my wife suck my dick blew my mind. Oh, dude, it was incredible. To see my dick going my wife's, I just was just hoping that was what she was doing. No, I got a joke that talks about how I didn't see my dick for 30 years. Holy shit. So I just met my adult dick. Yeah. Wait.

Oh, yeah. It was like a surprise. Listen, Hey, Macarena was the biggest song on the radio the last time I seen my dick. Holy shit. You know how many women my dick disappointed

before I knew my dick was disappointing? Did it look the way you remembered it? Or were you like, wow, you're different. I haven't seen you a while. No, it's cute than I thought. It looks like a little baboo doll.

I remember jerking off when I lost weight. and I was turning myself on because I can see it. Dude, crazy fat guy move right here. Being able to shoot a roper pulling a pillow to your stomach to sit on the bed. Oh, you put pillows to cover the stomach. Lots of pillows. Yeah. Or you push the fat pad back just to see an extra inch.

You're like, that's pretty cool. That's in there. Listen, the pouch is gone, but now the skin. Now my dick looks like a pug. Yeah. It's finally got its nose out, but it's just, draped on the side. But pugs are so fucking adorable. Yeah.

I bet everybody would give yours a little nuzzle if they could see it. Pull it out. Pull it out. That'd be a cool headline. I hate y'all. Whatever favor you need, I got you. I love you, baby. Oh, my God.

It's really impressive to see the way you were moving today. Like when we, I really remember on the first 5K we did, crossing the line with you, and Bunny and Leanne. Yes. And the four of us crying.

And Bunny's saying, I think you guys might have just saved his life. True story. And you said that today. You said, you know. No, no, what you said was deeper. You said, where do you think you'd be at today if we didn't start this journey or something like that?

You're like, what do you think we'd be doing if we wasn't here? And I said, Bert, I don't know what you'd be doing, but I don't think I'd be here. The way I was drinking, there was no way a man was drinking a leader of tequila a day and 500 pounds and I was going to live much longer. I wasn't going to live here. There's no way.

For sure. I didn't have another 30 months of living like that in me. When y'all announced this, it was a godsend, man, and I really fucked up as it sounds. I was like, if fucking Burke Kreisher does this, I can do this. You know what I'm saying? Bird Chrysler is like every man.

There is nothing actually special about Bert at all. I'm joking. Listen, I'm as shocked as you are that I did it. I'm joking. Bird is the fucking machine. I knew what it really was is that I knew I had friends and I knew that y'all would create a place that people like myself wouldn't feel judged trying.

And that was what was important when I seen y'all announce this. And I think that's what is the coolest thing. I don't know. I watch, I am here because I am a fan of y'all. Right? I'm a fan of the podcast. I run and I'll listen to the pod.

I think y'all are funny. I think y'all is fucking in a world full of just a bunch of shit I don't want to hear about. y'all are like a breath of fresh air and i thought this place would be a place that anybody could show up anybody could feel welcome anybody could run it they could walk it they could drink beer they could smoke joints they could praise god y'all don't really give a fuck about what people do you're come one come all kind of crew so you actually made a space where guys like talking about me dude i lost 300 pounds that other man lost 300 pounds the dude next to us run and said he lost 70 pounds

There's a dude back there that lost 120 pounds. That is a thousand pounds and just us that have been lost. These are the five stories I know. How many people have lost any amount of weight trying to do this 5K? 70 pounds right there in the front line. It's 50 pounds right there. It feels like a fucking auction now. You should hear it, y'all.

You think they're making fucking offers. You got John bringing me glasses. Okay. Guys, these look so racist. This is crazy. just feel like you're like, you can't wait to run a train on a check off. Out of our country.

They're taking our jobs. We should paint the fucking ballroom blue. You know what I mean, bro? Fucking yeah. Fuck yeah. January 6th. These are rad.

All right. Those are nice. Yeah. I believe in our country. All right. So now this is fucking wild, man. Also, we should point that. This is what I wanted to tell you.

It's about the, just the progress too because the first time, you know, was the first time you got all emotional. Last year, for people that don't know, who went to Tampa? Anyone go to Tampa last year? Dude, that fucking, they made us go up the ramps of the stadium. We went through a ship, a battleship. There was a pirate ship or something. And then you go down and up these ramps.

And I remember we were like, dude, there's no way that you, and you fucking crushed that too. Yes, sir. So you just keep getting better and better and better men. I saved almost 14 minutes off this year. already though. Holy shit. Holy shit. That's impressive. You ran at a quick clip. We were doing sub 10 on that back, that back second mile. And I was, I was holding pace with you. And I was like, holy shit. You should have run that first one we did because we flew through that. Yeah. It was a half a mile short of a five. It was half a mile short and the sun wasn't out. It was

kind of perfect. I thought, I thought, I was like, I am a fucking God. I cross a the finish line. He goes, 22 minutes. And I went, holy shit. I just ran seven minute miles. God damn. I want to show people my dick. And then Tom goes, hey, did you clock that? And I go 22 minutes. And he goes, no, the distance. I said, why? He goes, it was only 2.6 miles. I went, fuck.

Bird, I want to tell you, though, there's nobody left to show your dick to. We have all seen your dick. I have a statue of your dick at my house right now. Did y'all know Bert sent statues of his dick to everybody to celebrate his TV show. I'll send you one, sir. This is a true story. Did you get one of this time?

Did I get it one of those? Yeah, but you didn't open on camera. Oh, I have the box. What do they call it? What do they call it a busk? Is it a bust of your dick? It's a bust of his dick, dude. What?

It's at the house. It's right next to our battle. I don't know why my wife put it there. That's awesome. It's absolutely beautiful. Really? Yeah. Did you fluff before?

Yes. How much? You got to fluff a lot to get in order to do a cast of it. Yeah. You've got to get rock hard. and then hope that it maintains some girth. Yeah. It's really difficult.

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Yeah, you got to shave everything. Go clean. What percentage of all of you is the bust? Oh, I would... Actually, pretty good. I would say that is a solid 70%. Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna open that box. It gets just a little bit hard. You never opened it? I haven't opened it? I've been open the box. It's literally on my mantle. Really? Yeah.

Oh, I have birds pecker on my mantle. It's insane. That's insane. Yeah. Guys, check out free bird streaming right now on Netflix. Free Bird on Netflix. Hey, season two of very bad ideas comes out.

Let's go. Bad thoughts. That's bad thoughts. May 25th. Tom's series. Very bad ideas. If you ever, you know,

it's so funny, Tom, when you came up with very bad thoughts, what was the thought process? Let me see how many sex scenes I can cram into a sketch show. And there's a couple. A couple.

Yeah. There's also diarrhea. A big cock. A huge cock. Yeah, there's a bunch. But this season's totally different. It's more racist. No, I heard.

I heard. I heard someone who was like, I got pages and I had to turn down the project. We got a few people that said that we shouldn't make this show. And they called the agency and the network. And they were like, this should not, you shouldn't make this is going to hurt people. It's going to hurt people. He sent. send me an offer. He said, hey, are you free on this day? I said, I think I am. And he goes, great.

I got a part for you. It's called a human piece of shit. You'll be in hair and makeup for about five hours. I go, wait, I'm going to actually be a human piece of shit. And he goes, do you have a problem with that? I said, no, I go, what are my lines? He goes, no lines. Just a human piece of shit. It was, no, it wasn't a human piece of shit. It was a hog tit shit beast. A hog tit shit piece. So check out very bad thoughts streaming on Netflix, May 25th. You would have been perfect. Thank you, Tom.

Should we bring another comedian up? Yes, let's do it. And share our experience. Yes, you know, who's here? Who's here? Are you garbage guys? Let's get them here. H. Foley, Kevin Ryan.

I love y'all. Thank you all so much for having me, baby. Give jelly roll a huge hand. We could not do this without him. All right. Guys is going to take Foley a second. He just ran his first 5K. So he's on his way.

There he is. I see him. There he is. You know the are you garbage guys. Give it up. Where's Kevin? Here's H. Foley. Hell yeah.

Where's Kevin? Kevin's not here in three seconds. I'm going to start freaking out. Okay. He's coming. Is that Mike hot? This mic is hot, baby. Thanks for having us.

Thank you for coming. If Kevin Ryan was here, he would say the same thing. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryan. And it didn't take me a long time to get up here. I was out there with the fans walking around with the real people out there. What a pander and motherfucker. Not these Hollywood fat cats over here. Am I right, guys? Not these. Hatha. Not these Epstein pilot-loving motherfuckers. Not these ginkers in here. Am I right? It's just going out? Too much. I apologize. Is this your first one? No, I did it two years ago. You did?

Yeah. You don't remember the helicopter? I was the same thing. No, I did it last year. Two years ago. And it was a point. No, here. We did it here.

Last year was Tampa. I didn't. Tampa, you don't say none? You got me out of here in L.A.? Jesus Christ. Tampa. You're more of a Tampa guy. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We just did a side spitz, but there's, what, like a month and a half ago? Uh-huh. Stop bragging. Oh, I'm sorry. Shut up sides, am I right, gang? Oh, my God.

What the fuck happened to you? But we walked by this hotel on the water. Yeah. It was I told you this other day. There was a dude out there playing Steely Dan. We almost walked in and never came out. It was like that dream sequence in Sopranos when he almost walks into the house. That's how this comes from is that.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm 100% of Florida man. We know. Yeah. That's my town. Yeah. I can't wait to go back.

second wife, open up a gym slash beach bar. If you're from Florida, are you just inherently garbage? I think if you're up in like the panhandle up by Jackson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got fucking fireworks in the, in the bedroom. Pan of,

if you're west of Orlando, north of Tampa. Yeah. That's all garbage all the way up to Destin. I agree. Pensacoli. Yeah. We did the,

we did the one you did a couple years ago when jelly roll did it. The first one. We did the very first one. one. Yes. Now you guys are both looking good. How much are you down? I'm down like 50 pounds. Nice. 50. Where to go, Kim. Yeah. Everybody says that. I mean, I'm happy to say I am down four pounds. Nice. Nice. It's like 75 pounds. I'm down. 75. 75. That's incredible. That's that's all organ tissue and shit. That stuff's bad news, kids. I did get a bone density scan. It was bad. Yeah. How bad? Like pre-asoporosis. Yeah.

So don't bump into me on the way out of here. Holy shit. I need a glass of milk. Have you done a Dexascan? What's a Dexter scan? That's the thing I just got. If you got the money, I'll get it for you. A guy out here in L.A. Did you? Did you? I've done it. I've done it. Yeah, yeah.

You do it and it shows you your bones. And then it's like the meanest man drew like a cartoon character of your fat and your tiny little balls. Dude, it's so bad. And he tells you. He's like, you're gross. He like tells you. The girl did it in the lobby and held it. up in front of all these hot chicks. And she's like, yeah, you can see. I'm like, put that shit down, lady. No, I did that

shit in high school. How fat this guy is. It's crazy. I already went through the presidential fitness test. I'm not doing that shit again. No. But you guys are at the point now where of course you both should be doing that. There's no reason for the two of you to ever die. You're aware of that. You're, you guys have, you should be getting those full body scans

every three days. Yeah, no shit, right? Red light therapy, fucking injections, everything. Yeah. I got my Dexas scan. And they said I was 40% fat, which out of 100% doesn't sound that bad. That's not bad. I was like, yeah. Congratulations to bird, dude. I was like, nice.

And he goes, your wife's 22%. Like, well, that sounds fat. I don't think. Gross. We should lower that one, right? That's good. I'm trying to get healthy, though. We're trying to take after you. Get healthy. Yeah. You guys got healthy? I'm going to say this out loud right now.

And I know this, you're not supposed to say this in Hollywood. I am on Mung. Jarro. I am doing the Terra Zeptide shot. It fucking works. I'm down 50 fucking pounds. No, but no one talks about it. And listen, if you're struggling with weight, it is a great, it's like taking

Zoloff for fat people. Yeah. That's the thing about Bert, like he's open. He's a Holocaust denier, but he's open about his injections. I just didn't know Israel wasn't a thing before World War II. I thought figuring it out. They sent Jews

down there to like save seats by the pool. Yeah. These are taken. A bunch of Palestinians going, my towel is on that chair. No, you move. Sorry. Taken. That's perfect casting for you. What? You have to do the Jew broad. Yeah? Yeah. I'm in.

Yeah. Let's do it. Where Sarando's at? What the hell's going on here? He's around here. That's a good pitch. Hey, thanks for inviting us at a brunch, by the way, getting fucking iced off an act. All right. Well, we're not going to go next year. Did you guys go to the brunch? No, I didn't even know. You didn't miss anything. We're so, we're so out.

We're so out of, like a couple of dickheads. We're so out of touch. People are like, do you get invited to the brunch? I'm like, where norms? I didn't know what was happening. So for those of you don't know, Ted Sarandos, who owns Netflix, or runs Netflix, he has a brunch where just a couple comedians show up, like Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock.

It's crazy. Kevin Hart, it was the craziest thing. And Kevin and Fully are working on an invite for next year. No. But that's a nice way you're saying we weren't invited this year. Yeah. Throw us under the bus. Don't worry. You didn't miss anything. Tom bombed in front of Eddie Murphy. Yeah. What happened? Oh. You're talking about you buy and sell that guy. You get me? First of all, he did a black guy voice to him. He was like, isn't that he said. I was like, what's up my, bro? And he was like, hey, man. And then we had a little chat.

No, I told him a story. You believe all these crackers around his mom or shit. I was like, man, he's cracket. I was like, I want some ice cream. He's like, that's my bit. And I was like, oh, no shit. No, I was telling him a story about his brother. I had dinner with his brother and I told him the story.

Right. And at the end, this is for, look at me. He looks at me. And he goes, is that the end of the story? Oh, my God. And by the way, I got to keep going. No. No, guess what I, guess what I said?

He did. I did. I did. Yeah. When he said at the end of the story, I was like, oh, my God. And then I go, no, because I told me we were at dinner. I go, no, it's not at the end. He goes, he looked at me.

I go, we kept having dinner. Dude, Tom's psycho came out. Then the check came and we paid the bill. We split it two ways. The best is, if he ever meets Eddie Murphy, he's going to tell him the same story again. Double down. Hey, did I tell you about the time I had dinner with your, oh, yeah? Well, I just want to remind you.

That would definitely scare him, by the way. Is that the first time you met him? Yeah. Yeah. I'd never met him before. Did you have a story cue? Yes, you did. Because, yeah, like, when we first, you guys were like super famous when we met you.

So we were like, what do we talk to Tom about? What did we talk to bird about? Did you have that when you saw him? You're like, I'm going to hit him with his brother's story? Yes. A hundred percent. I also imagined it going so well. So much better.

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You can pull down my pants. You can make fun of my penis too. Christ. We didn't even get invited to this. We had to register online. You had no shit. Fucking dickheads. I pay 2899. I can drop fucking getting shaken down when I come in. There's no golf cart, nothing like that.

You're right. You're right. Dude, we could not get in. She's like, you're not allowed in. I go, I'm a comment. I'm going to come get us. I swear to God. I'm so sorry.

Whatever. People are like, yo, what's up, Kippy? And the guys got me pushed up against the fence. I'm like, all right. Not to mention. You show up to the Airbnb when we did the, the podcast a month ago. Yeah.

No fucking croissants. Fuck. You're right. We're in Austin. What kind of guest are you? We should have in a fucking helicopter and no pastures. I should have. Guys check out Chichobamba.

Please go to Chichobamba in Austin. We have three locations. Please come out and see us. Home run. It's delicious, man. You'll get so fat. It's so good. I can't wait.

I'm here now. You're ready. Ready to go. So lay off the Zepound for a week before I go down there. What's in? So this is where two bears are. We have R5K. What's the big get for Are You Garbage?

What would be your big tent pole? Get the fans out and participate. Are you garbage? 2 gram K next year, Tampa, Florida. Two gram. Everybody gets two grams. Two free ones. Two gram.

Okay. Rest you got to pay for. None of this running bullshit. We'll do some beers, have some hot dogs. some tomato pie from Philly. We'll get some water ice. Couple escorts. A couple escorts.

Things are going great over here. Hell yeah, dude. This is fucking amazing, man. This is awesome. It really is impressive. We went a different way this year, didn't we? We didn't. The route was different.

We walked around the golf courts, which was nice. Beautiful. It was so much better. And also the shortcut was so much better. I didn't do that little thing. You just told me you did. I was like, you took the short courts. work at the end. He goes, no, I finished the whole thing. I said I was being fully honest.

Fully honest. Is that what you call it? Yeah. Yeah. We coined it this week. He's not lying, but he's never told the truth. Hold on. I understand exactly what's going on. Yeah, yeah. Here's you and you, where do we? Yeah. You're telling it the story's like, yeah, I didn't really drink last night, but I had a couple drinks. Yes. I didn't drink. Yes. Right. Yeah. I always say, I mean, dude, the other day, Burk goes, you know, so it's you too and then me and Tom like who's who out of the me and Tom. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I had chopstick in my nose at the time. This was awesome. This was great. Yeah, this was amazing.

You should do more. The turkey vultures that were following me around the course was real fun, too. You really dress for the occasion, too. I was trying to wear something slimming. You're just like a mobster and the witness reprotection of the... I can't show my leg. I got varicose veins. I can't show my legs. People love that shit. No. Yes. Really? Yes. They'll pay for it. I'm the only fans for that kind of stuff. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I should start showing my butthole on only fans. No face. Little dick, big butt. Is the hole big? The hole's bad. Really? If you stare on my asshole long enough, you'll see how you're going to die. And, hey, spoiler, it's by his asshole. Will you take a massive shit after this? No. No. No. You said you wouldn't let me poop in

your upstairs bathroom. You can definitely poop there. Would you let me poop in your master bathroom? 100%. Yeah. Yeah. And we got the spray thing, the anal spray. Oh, you, that you put, no, you put in the, it's not because it's an asshole. The Asian thing. The Asian thing. You put it in the toilet. Yeah, we put it in the toilet. Sticks its little head out and then sprays your asshole. You say anal spray to me. That's going, that's going in the asshole. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I let it break the O ring and go into me to loosen shit up and then I shit that out. Yeah. Sometimes you get a. surprise second shit when you use that. It's pretty exciting. If you can just suck in when the water

hits your asshole, you get a little bit of a flush. You get a bonus shit. You put yourself potpourri enemies. Oh yeah. I might want to consult a physician before doing that. Oh, I can't be good for you. No, the first time I ever had one of those, I was in Asia. I was in Japan. And it turned me on so much. I jerked off. Oh, what? A colonic? No, no, no. The the bidet. Oh. I was like, all right. I got to try jerking off to this. They're the greatest. Yeah.

Whenever I do a colonic, I always get hard. Do you really? Yeah. Is that weird? Okay. Yeah. I thought we were in L.A. How much.

Did you love the way you feel after a colonic? Oh, man, it's the best. Greatest. That's the one thing I like with the Zepound is I overeat. I get real sick. I get massive diarrhea and throw up and I feel fantastic. Me too. It's the best.

I'm ready for the weekend. Yeah. A little. pasta right before bed and all of a sudden you're up throwing up in the middle of the night. It's great. And you're not drunk and you're not sick. You're just throwing up. Just healthy.

Healthy throwing up. I hear a storm in my stomach. Really? Like it sounds like, you know, like thunder coming off the cake. And it comes out of both ends. Oh, it's great. Wow. And sometimes if we have something the next day, like if we have a big guest coming in and

it happens, I'll make myself throw up in the morning so I don't have Ozempic burps why we're doing the podcast. That's thoughtful. He's a good team play. That's a real thoughtful thing to do. Yeah. And he'll throw it in our face afterwards. I fucking puke this morning for this.

Is that Jelly's phone or your phone? That's Jelly's? That's mine. Is Jelly's over there? You got it? No? Good? No.

If Jelly gets another fucking phone, I'm going to die. This is like the 10th phone number he's had. Really? Yeah. That's always fun, though. When you pick who you're going to give the new number to, I was shocked. I made your cut. Yeah, of course. What are you talking about?

I don't know. You got a new number? You're scary sometimes. What? You got a new number? No, like when I got, I'm saying anytime you get a new number, you get to go through your phone book and decide who in your phone book gets the new number. Huh. You've never done this? It's funny you mention that.

I'm in a weird spot right now. My old phone got wet like four days ago. This feels like fully honest from the jump. No, it's 100%. Okay. This is fully honest. This is a fully honest. Okay.

I'll tell you fully honest in a second. But my phone got wet. I don't know my Apple ID. I had to get a new phone because I couldn't talk to anybody. I don't have any Uber or anything like that. No Venmo, no seamless, done like that. Fucking Apple shut my whole infrastructure down. It was like a fucking Iranian radar system.

Just gone. Okay. So I had to get this. And I don't know anybody's number now. So I'm like, who's this? Oh, you don't have any of it in it? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I got to get my Venmo back up because I owe some people money. Oh, shit. It ain't the Boy Scouts. So he loses his phone's off. So now he's got to operate. You're operating off a laptop, I believe. I'm operating. I got a laptop.

This feels like an episode of the show. This is like some real garbage shit. It's insane. He just, dude, we're in Midtown. He's like, he leaves without a phone. He goes, I'm going to, we make him an appointment at the Apple store because he doesn't have any internet connection. And then he just walks into man.

He just leaves the studio. I go, we might never see him again. There's me in the city. I felt like midnight cowboy walking around. 14 hours later, we get an email. me and our producer, Dear dudes, I got a new phone,

but I didn't remember my Apple ID. I'm in the process of getting it so I can restore all my old apps and stuff like that. But right, and this is all one sentence, but right now I'm flying blind. So I can't take calls and text, and I don't know anybody's number,

and I don't have access to any of my apps. I had to take a cab to get back to the apartment. This has been the worst night of my life. Bro. If you need me, you'll need to call or text me. I hope you're both doing well, and I love you both,

hopefully to talk to you soon and this is all behind us, Henry. This is a sentence? There's no punctuation in there. The apartment is a studio in Hell's Kitchen on 49th and 9th. Why are you giving the address out? I like that.

So the broads don't come by. His wife walked out on me. Penn House apartment, a story of Queens. I'm living in a fucking one redroom, gold flat in fucking 49th Street in Nell's kitchen. This is unbelievable. Not all this is public. You're really choosing a place to put it in a lot.

This is a fucking reality show. This is insane. I don't know how Netflix doesn't follow this. We're Tooby guys anyway. You're Tooby guys? Yeah. I'll tell you what, you know the world's coming to an end when they fuck up Tooby. Fully, are you, how close are you to figuring out your Apple ID?

I just got to figure it out. You did? Yeah, I got it. This morning. It's a new, new, new code. I can't give it out now. Yeah. Personally.

Was it something that you remembered when you saw it? No. No, I change it all the time because I'll download some shady app that requires to log in and then I'll forget what it is. Oh. You're not talking about. No, dude, I have, I go, so I started with a good password and now I've gotten so aggressive

so that I won't forget it. What is it? The best one, I gave Ila my Apple Watch and the password was cunt, cunt 323. And so

the teacher takes the Apple Watch from her and the alarm starts going off and says, Isla, what's the password? Nata goes, I can't tell you, but I can put it in. She goes, tell me the password. Nala goes, I'd rather not. She's in grade school at the time.

And the teacher goes, just tell me the password. And I like, capital cunt, lowercase cunt, three, two, three. And the lady was like, just type it in. I had a woman I worked with. I needed her email. I needed her password for like, this, my last day job was for like a software. And I'm like, hey, just give me your login. I need to log in.

She's like, I don't want to do it. Same thing. I'm like, just give it to a nice buttoned up lady. I'm like, what is it? Just give it to me. And she's like, she wrote it down and slid it on a piece of paper to me. And it was slut 69. And the S was a dollar sign because you had to have a thing.

Wow. And I was like, all right. It's between me and you. Yeah. I had an email address. I still have it. You can hit me up if you want. And Leanne, I was on Leanne's computer.

And I was on my Gmail. and she sent a Gmail accidentally from my account to the Girl Scouts, to the head of the Girl Scouts. And the lady replied, I think you sent this from the wrong email account. My email account was Romeo Horsecock at gmail.com. Leah was like, the fuck would you have that up for?

I was like, I was checking my Gmail. Bro, you realize that's, story is true and so is that you are in the Epstein files. Isn't that crazy? You are? Yeah. My man. Up top. I know. That's Hollywood right there. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, they were like friends. They were friends. Is that true? It was Florida. You know, it was like a Florida thing golf and his buddy. They were just, they would like hang out. They, he actually was friends with him. But he said, you know, he's let he said that Jeff, Jay, J.E. Whatever he calls him. He's like, he is kind of a dick. So he did say that. He did say that. he's not cool. But he was friends with. He was weird. An egg shaped dick from what I've heard. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He got he got handsy. Whatever. Really? Jeppy. Yeah. Do you see his suicide note? Did you see a suicide note? Did you see a suicide note? Did you see a suicide note? Hillary did not do this. Bill was on that plane. Shout out, check out free bird streaming right now. That's in a suicide note? That's crazy. That's pretty good because it was so... It was just an idea at the time that I bounced off him on a plane. Huh.

I was like, man, if we ever go to jail, free Jeff, free Bert. And he goes, that's a good name. I was like, yeah. Dude. Yeah, Jeff, Jeff was weird. But Jeff loved food, right? He was a big foodie. He was a big foodie.

That's cool. Yeah. What's like his favorite thing? Baby carrots. He liked veal. Veal, baby carrots. That's cool. the baby carrots is better.

That's awesome, man. I'm not in the Epstein files, everybody. Did you go to the funeral? No, I was in his email because he was a big fan of comedy. Okay, that's a birdism. I'm not in the files, but you know that you are. Yeah, that's the bird truth.

That's fully honest. That's fully honest. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. What did you say about you? Why were you in there? It could be a little stop.

You brought it up, dude. This is what Todd does. Good job. Good guy. Blow John. Tom deflex his own drama. No. Me and Garth Brooks, when I meet him,

I'm just going to give him a hug and go, I know. By the way, it wouldn't be him in the files. It would be you. You're the quiet one. Right. Yeah, you're the creep. But he is in it, in his defense, it's 30 pages.

It's not like a lot of stuff. And there's photos of them at the beach and just throwing the ball. They're not doing something weird. Just so you know. See, I could see you and Stephen Hawking, jerking off on a cookie together or something fucking weird like that. That would be by. Fuck Lorna Dune.

So, he wants to play sloppy biscuit, Stephen. Isn't that crazy that that's where he went? Hawkins? Dude, what are you? Yeah, you realize that he was just sick of the fucking life yet. And then he was like, all right, if there's a creep island, who cares? That's that guy going to do cruise around the mall?

Like, what the fuck? That's where you go. Wait, Stephen Hawkins was it, went to Epstein's Island? Yeah. Stay at ramps? Yeah. Yes, he was super thoughtful. In a dental office.

Jesus. A lot of hydrocork. I'm so glad you brought that up. So many people talk about Epstein that way and nobody talks about how thoughtful was to have ramps. How accessible. You know, yeah. Accessible.

He was like thinking about the less fortunate. I heard OSHA went in there and was like pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. Guys on now OSHA? Check it out. Should we bring Ari up?

Yes. You guys want to stick around for Ari? Not really. Not really. Not a fan of that guy. Where is Ari Schaefer? Ari Schaefer. Ari Schaefer.

Hey, there he is. Boys, we love you so much. Thank you, very. We love you guys. We love you. Guys, we love you. Great job today, everybody. Ari.

Take a seat. See you, brother. I love you, man. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you want this one? You want this one? Why is that one better?

I got it all nice and herped up for you. There you go. The yoga man is here. Doing yoga at the Two Bears 5K for us at 9 o'clock this morning. Back from his world tour where he did not do stand up. Just saw the world. Ari Shafir. Thank you.

What do you think about that, Bert, taking time off? Nope. Nope. All right. We're going to be dead one day. Yeah. I can fill up a minor league high school. waiting room.

And Bert worked hard and look what he's done. Yep. No? No? Nothing? I don't think they recognize you with the beard.

Maybe not. How long is this beard going to last? I think I'll try to take it to a year. Are you serious? It's July. Full shave in July.

Then I don't know. Wait, did you run today? What? Did you run? I'm sorry. The mic's off. What did you say? No, I taught a yoga class

and then I don't know. And then I was already heat stroked. Yeah. I went out there and I'm like, it's brutal. Yeah. You ran last time? I did. No, I walked last time. I was going to run with Brian Simpson and he said, hold on my shin hurts. Can we walk for five minutes? I was like, yeah, sure. And he goes, I mean, you can go ahead. I'm like, no, I was five minute break. I'll do it with you. And then, uh, we ran for another 30 seconds. And then he goes, I got to take another break. You can go ahead. And I was like, fucking fat Brian. I was like, dude, I'll just walk

with you. And he was like, okay. It was a lovely stroll. Nice stroll with me. Brian. Who walked the 5K? You're the real winners. You're the real winners. Yeah. Yeah, you are the real winners. Was, uh, uh,

so how much money did you make on this is the end? I'll tell you my fucking money. A lot. Thank you for supporting it. Who bought it so far? Hell yeah. You're all heroes. Thank you guys for doing that.

More than those cowards went to Vietnam. You're the real heroes. I have one group of Vietnamese people here. Well, they were on the wrong side. So it did well. It's a congratulations. Yeah, thanks.

And you can get it at yMH.com. Ymh Studios. Very bad things coming out soon. This is the end with Ari Shafir all on YMH.com. Thank you, Bert, for that plug. Dude, I saw you with Shaq last night and you've never looked thinner than that in your life. Yeah. Or whiter.

He tiny. Jack is such a massive fucking dude. dude, Shaq's life He is so patient with everyone Can I tell you a story? I'll wait to your dog. I'll wait to you. Yeah, Kobe,

Kobe ran him out. Go ahead. Brett Ernst told me this. He was at a restaurant and there was a child's party in the side room and they saw Shaq there at the bar eating and he goes, hey Shaq, can you come say hi to the kids? They would make their day and he goes, man, I'm eating right now.

Give me a minute. I'll come over afterwards. And the guy was like, And we really would make their day. It goes, yeah, all right. Give me a minute. Finished. Then went over with those kids.

Picked them all up, started playing with them for an hour and a half. Fucked around with those kids. Played the entire tab and got out. Really? Damn. I would never have done that. Never. They would have left and gone.

Ari said you're going to pick up his tab. I would pick off their leftovers. I'm like, these kids don't eat enough. It was crazy the amount of people that walked into the green room to me. to me, oh, I got a story to fucking tell you. Yeah. Not the time. Oh, okay.

About how many people showed up just to come in to meet Shaq and get a picture of Shaq. And Shaq was so patient. All he really, you know, like he, his only thing he wanted on his rider was, uh, lotion for his hands. Yeah. The easiest. And by the way, flew in private to do the show, flew out private, like just the most.

So this guy can fly private, but it can't afford. He didn't have it with him. Lunel, Lunel showed up with hand lotion. Yeah. Lunel crushed. Lunel crushed. Dude, Nate Jackson destroyed.

Sam Marell murdered. Matt Rife. I mean, every Big J. Everyone fucking killed on that goddamn show. That's fucking awesome. You did it with Shaq. Isn't that weird that you're friends with Shaq? It is bizarre.

It is bizarre. Yeah. It is bizarre. That's weird, right? Yeah. I think any, being friends with any celebrity. I remember one time I was saying to Rogan

I was like I was like it's so nice now that AI can reply to your text and I don't have to stress about replying to celebrities and he goes what celebrities do you know and I go I don't know it's just a couple and then I realized I'm talking to one of the most famous people in the world and he's like do you use that for me

and I was like oh yeah sometimes it is fun to talk like to realize your friends are huge just in a moment like me and DeStefano went to your eight game and then we're walking up because he gets like good seats and everyone wrecked. I was like, wait, did you get famous?

Yeah. He's like, yeah, hella. Yeah. Joe's too famous. That's crazy famous. I don't walk too close to Joe because snipers sometimes miss. Yeah.

So nuts. I walk, I let, oh, you want to stand next to him? You stand next to him. I'll stand over some indoors. You don't want that level. Oh, you know, it's so funny is, you remember when Joe was like, I want to get less famous.

Yes. And he just got. a hundred times more famous. He was like mid fear factor saying that. No one calls him the fear factor guy anymore. No one calls him the fair factor guy anymore. You're right. Now they call him the how dare you have that person on your show guy. That's a good nickname. That's a good Native American nickname. Joe, how dare you have that person on your shows? Joe speaks with presidents. That's crazy though. No, it's fun to see you guys get recognized though. I like it. I like being out with you. I like seeing you get recognized. What are you talking about? You get recognized. What are you talking about? You get

recognize all the time. Yeah, but it's fun to see it. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun. I saw, I was at lunch at Joe one time and this child wanted to say hi to him like 13 years old. His child? No, a child.

Okay. And his security was like, no, no. And then I just, I was behind and I went, yeah, come on in. Because I thought maybe he wanted to say hi to me. The best is we were having dinner one time with the wildest table of people. like Taylor Sheridan, me, Joe, David Goggins, R.W. And a fan snuck in to say hi to me and didn't realize the table that was there. That feels good.

And he was like, dude, Bert, I'm just. And then he went, holy fuck. And then he looked. And then Joe goes, how the fuck did he get in here? And they were like, he wanted to see Bert. Yeah. Full access. Yeah.

That's funny. Yeah. Hey, let me ask you guys a question. Remember when we did, this not happening? Yeah, of course. Those were fucking great. Yeah. That was the best. You guys remember their stories on this not happening? Flying dildos. That was one of the best. That was not even my favorite of yours. Tracy Morgan's the best. Tracy Morgan never be spoken of. Which was the story I told that one and fighting a bear. Fighting a bear was, yeah, fighting a bear. That was like, I was a big bump. I think,

I think I was still a bump, right? It was still a bump from one thing. I was when the internet was kind. And like you'd do a story and they'd be like, God, can you believe that came out? How cool. And now you go on the internet and they're like, enough.

This guy's a fucking narcissist. And you're like, and by the way, my therapist says, you can be a good narcissist. Sure. Yeah. You're a sweet one. Yeah.

Narcism creates shit like this. Like, narcissism is not bad. Narcism, spite. All good driving forces. Spite. By the way, so this is what my therapist said. Anar's, like, I only do shit if it affects me, right? Like, I only care about how I feel at the end of the day.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. We all know that. Because I don't cheat on my wife because I can't live without her. Right. But I don't think about her feelings, but I know that I'd be fucked up if I didn't have her. Right. This is the most honest I've ever heard anyone. But no, that's the truth.

You know? Yeah. I don't talk shit about Tom. Not because I don't want to. I want to. But he doesn't do shit worth talking shit about. There we go. Wow.

Wow, there it is. There it is. He's low level. That was, that was painful. Oh. What do you think, Tom,

fat or skinny? What do you prefer? Take away the living longer. There's two very different Tom's. Okay. Like Tom Fat was broke. There he is now. There's Tom Fat right now.

Look at his trouble sitting. Tom. Tom. Tom fat was, didn't know he had my, had money yet. That was a fun Tom. Like when he was like, I could buy like four iPhone chargers. I don't have to have just one across the room. That was a fun discovery. Yeah. And it was a fun purchase. And like, and like he didn't know how to make dinner yet. So he'd buy, he'd make a plate with like

nine things on it. Yeah. He was like, I can buy all these vegetables. Vegetables. That's how we know it's made up. And now he's got a chef who prepares a meal. Okay. Wow. But. But. This guy. This is a day or slave? Yeah, go ahead. What do you prefer? Do you prefer a 325 pound bird or? 280 pound burr.

Yeah. Which one do you like more? I mean, we're taking apart living longer. Right. I mean the 325 pounder of literally just three months ago. Yeah. It's kind of got a Tiger Woods fun vibe kind of guy. Yeah.

It's like it was fun vibe where you're like he anything. He can't shit on you too much because you're like, remember how you're going to die? in a week? Yeah. And then he'd be like, all right, knock it all. It's good fog. And then yeah, it's like here comes fucking 345 pound bird. It's hard. It was fun. Also, the menu, guys, I don't think you've ever been with somebody who says one of each, please. That's not an exaggeration. It's not an exaggeration. What a joy. It was fucking massive eating. And then you're like, sick, one of each for everybody. He goes, I mean, get what you want. Order something. Fat Tom was broke. So he'd go through phases. Like, he went through a pecan,

pie phase. That's crazy to go through a specific flavor of pie phase. Well, it was his wife's grandmother's recipe. And I had it at their house. And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. She goes, I gave you all, I gave me a rest pay for you my aunt. And I was like, yeah, I would love that. And then it was like a challenge. I'm going to make this pie from scratch. And I made it. And I was amazing. I should make seven more, you know. Well, if you make one be cam pie, you might as well make two. And if you're making two, fuck it, make four. Yeah. freezer's empty. And now Tom's got a fucking

a kitchen full of be cam pie. It was 30 pounds in a month. Tom fat was such a piece of shit, disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah. Your belly's pushed out.

Tom was a sagging. Tom looked like he had the liposurgery, but like from 500 to 300. I see old videos of you on this happen, all this stuff, and it's like, ugh. Gross.

Trouble breathing, swallowing. Just basic human stuff. His body was like, we're giving up. He would travel with hot sauce. Yeah. He would have hot sauce with him at all times. Yeah, that was true.

Lots of diarrhea, too. A lot. I bet. Yeah. A lot of talking about shit. You were a different guy. You would talk about making Brown all the time. Well, it was a big part of my life.

I would wake up and be like, oh, my God. And then I would do something. And my body would say, this needs to happen again. I remember it was comical when he started fat shaming me because he was so fat. It was a joke. And then... I wouldn't say it was a joke. You were both should have felt a lot of shame.

Right. Yeah. Hey, can I pause for a second? Yeah. Dude, you let him finish and then he talked. That was great. What are you talking about? Yeah, he finished his thought.

And then you broke in. It was like, give do where do is do. Yeah. It was fucking solid. Yeah. Well, we're dumb with that. Go ahead.

How is it feel to see your sweet Israeli friend? I miss you so much when I was traveling. I miss both you guys. Yeah. I texted him and tried calling him a bunch. My number was done. I know. Oh, yeah.

I know. You call me right before I left. And then one day you just disappeared. Your number disappeared. And I went, oh, fuck. Did I get blocked? Yeah. And then I was like, I wonder if I did something.

And then look up to text saying I'm about to delete this number. But your nub fingers back then couldn't scroll. It probably was your sausage digits. Yeah. Yeah. What, you thought I was ignoring you? I was like, I wonder what's going on. then I was like, ah, whatever.

That's sad. I know. I was like, I don't know what I did, but then I was like, do you guys hate each. I do this, hate themselves, hate yourself so much that when somebody doesn't text you back, like, well, I guess he's just cutting me out. I'll just, all right, fine. A thousand percent. Yeah.

Yeah. I got to, sorry, I was camping. What's up? And you're like, no, oh, you're back in my life. Joe DeRosa just showed up. Everybody. Joe de Rosa, come on up here. Well, you look great for the 5K.

it clean with no socks. That's wild. What was your time? Grab my mic right here, Joe. What was your time, Joe? What was my time? Yeah. Wasn't it 24? 11 minutes. Wow. 11 minutes. That's a new record. Godorosa has the new record. Give it up for him, everybody.

That's pretty amazing. Ladies and gentlemen. Good job. It's good to see all of you. It's good to see you three. It's going on. I can hear you. I could hear you from all the way over there. Yeah. So can Palestine. We're coming. Huh? How horrible was the moment where you were like, fuck, that's Ari's voice. Oh, yeah. It's immediate.

It's immediate, right? Yeah. Immediate. I mean, it just cuts through everything. I don't know. It's weird. It's very weird. I could hear you guys talking, but I couldn't.

I just sounded like voices. Yeah. But Ari's thick, fucking Jew voice just really cut through the air. Yeah. Just it's always been like that. It's just punishing. It just says like, Jew.

That's what it feels like. It's like a slow motion. To deep baritone Jew. It's just like a, Oh, yeah. Oh. You can almost hear it just

carved a camera. You can almost like every time I hear already talk, I see this. Yes. Yeah. Such a powerful stance on stage. It's just to not move

and do this for an hour and a half. My people can change the weather. I'm enjoying. I'm not enjoying any of this. You have a woman shelter posture on stage. You're like, what happened to you just now? That's right. I don't know what to talk about it.

You stand like an abused lady. You ever have somebody go to like touch the ear and you go like that and you're like nothing. Like, fuck, nothing. Joe, you're the biggest pig in comedy. What have you done this week so far? But what chose? No. Pig shit.

Pig shit. I just, just booze, like a lot of drinking. Yeah. A lot of drinking every night. I went from here, from Austin with you to here,

and my body is shutting down. Yeah. I, I know. Austin was a hard, that was a hard run because you were in town and we were drinking every night.

And then Tom, I saw Tom the first night. And he goes, you got to come to the 5K thing on Saturday. I was like, yeah, that's right. Wait, what time is that at?

He's like, you can get there at like 11. And I was like, uh, yeah, he was like, no, Doros is like, well, I have shows at 11. He's like, no, a.m. Yeah. There's an a.m. He's like, come on. He goes, but doesn't that mean I got to leave by like 10?

I'm like, yeah. You can do that. But I go, the problem is, Tom, is I have my own show Friday night. And I'm going to kind of turn it up after. And he goes, what time's your show? I go, seven. And he goes, so you think you get done at 8.30. You're going to drink so much.

You wouldn't be able to wake up at 10 a.m. on Saturday. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, that is kind of how it goes. How deep did you go? Actually, kind of a light night. It was? Because I knew I wanted to at least get over here.

Before it closed. For the easy part of today. Did you naturally wake up or set the alarm? I naturally woke up. At what, around what time? I usually naturally wake up every day at like at the latest 9 or 930. Oh, that's my anxiety. That's it.

That's it. That's it takes it. I can throw up. I've pissed the bed. I have to get up changed sheets. You look fantastic. You do look great. You don't look like you were up late last night.

buddy, I'm shooting testosterone like it's fucking. It's the best, isn't it? You got me on it. Dude, testosterone is better than having a big dick. It is nice. It is the best. Yeah. You got me on it.

You don't remember this. Burke Kreischer. You were directing or producing Shane Torres's special in Brooklyn. Yeah. And I came out to hang out. And we were standing at the bar and I go, Bert, I don't know what to do. And you go, what do you mean? And I go, my doctor said I have to slow down drinking, but I don't want to stop drinking at all.

And you go to your assistant, you go, get them in the cocktail, get him on it right now. And the guy texted me immediately. And a week later, I was shooting testosterone. Testosterone is reparative to your liver. They couldn't sell DeRosa on doing it until he called it a cocktail. Oh, Ari. Jesus. Anyway, that's, that's a. Minimal exercise in testosterone.

You look great. How much weight have you dropped? 50 pounds. Whoa. That's amazing. Yeah, thanks. Watch out for my belly button. Wait,

you don't like to get it. No, stop. What? Nothing. No, I'm gonna get up and leave. No, no,

I don't like my belly button. I have a weird belly button phobia. It's the reason I started losing weight for real is I was in Hawaii. And you couldn't see it. No. And my belly button disappeared. It became an outy. And I swear to God.

Stop. I was putting sunscreen on me and she went, oh, buddy. we got to do something about that. And I said what? She goes, you lost your belly button. I think you all grew it. And I was like, wait, what?

And then Georgia goes, it's an Audi. And then they both were like, oh my God, can you feel it touch your shirt? And I could feel my belly button touching my shirt. It really did. It did. Let me see. No, no, no. I'm not going to touch it.

I'm not going to touch it. So it actually went out and came back in. It went out. And it can't. I would, it was. Can I tell you what it is? Oh, God damn it. Can I tell you what it actually is?

It's a hernia. Yeah, it's a hernia. Yeah. And now I don't have it. I got rid of all of my hernia by doing abs and working out. I had the one right here, the fin, and it's gone. Wait, you got rid of it without surgery? Without, well, I went to, I talked to a doctor and the doctor's like, don't do the fucking

surgery. It's a fucking nightmare. And I was like, for real? And they're like, yeah, it's like eight week recovery. Jesus. Yeah. And so they were like, really, you can fix it with, with. working out. Like if you lose weight, so I lost 50 pounds. I do abs and this one's gone and this one's

gone. That's insane. I don't think that that's like medically possible, but I congratulate you. Yeah. My doctor was like that will not go away no matter what. Oh, what doctor have you ever gone to? I went to a doctor. How long have you been shitting blood? I know. And what third world country were you in when you went to the doctor? Did you go here or did you go on one of your weird trips? clothes and your head on a pillow when you saw this doctor. I was getting filled from behind. Does that still work that way? What?

Do you still have that problem? Shitting blood? Yeah. I don't call it a problem. It's like autism. There's no cure. What? I think there's a cure.

There's absolutely a cure. How many people here have shit blood in the last year? Champions. Yeah, you won't be here next year. That's fucking crazy. This isn't the best test group for that. But here's the thing, dude. Here's why it is a problem.

It's just a little blood your shit. When you hear the term shit blood, you think of shit with a little bit of blood in it. Ari literally shits just blood. It's all blood. That's not good, dude. He has to cram a tampon up his ass for it to stop bleeding. And then if you're one of his friends, you're lucky enough to get him to try to put that in your mouth when you're not paying attention. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

But it's because I respect you. So you've never seen anybody for this? This guy, he's not fun. You've never seen anyone for this? What? I have. It's not cancer. So he's like,

fuck it. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Sorry. I'm like, oh yeah. Can you imagine being in the doctor? Can you imagine being in the doctor?

He goes, the spicy food said it off. He goes, oh yeah. He goes, well, you might want to stay away from that. I was like, no, but I love spicy food. And he goes,

well, then you're going to ship blood. And I was like, I do this going into this meeting, dude. Yeah. I just came back from a country where you eat a squirrel on a stick. It's just going to happen to you.

Not much blood. Not much blood is shit from a squirrel on a stick. Did you ever see the pictures of it, Tom? Yeah, of course. In person, bro. All right, guys. They're playing me out. Wait, hold on. I think that's the end of this fucking right now.

I got something to say before we go. I have a travel podcast called You Be Tripping. And I have an award every year for people that have won an award in their show. We have one award called the Biggest Piece of Shit Award that I renamed the Joe DeRosa Award. he's never won. But last year, there was a Trippie Award for Best Trip. Every year we go on a different place.

And Best Trip last year was another than Burt Kreischer. What are you talking about? Congratulations on your Trippy Award, Bert. My Trippy Award? Wait, this is real. Yeah. Wait, what is this for? Best episode of my podcast.

Oh, for real? Trippy Award. Best trip for his trip to Vietnam. Stick it in. I wasn't even going to say that, but they make a good point. I bet. This is awesome.

Think what's the trick? There's no trick on this one. Oh, for real? Don't touch the top. Touch the top. And don't smell the box. I swear to God, I thought there was going to be a turd in it.

You were nominated. You won't bet. We're a sexual adventure. Thank you. Well, thank you very much. I love doing your podcast and I'd love to do another episode. Absolutely.

And congratulations on this is the very end. This is the end. Guys, they actually have a $5 discount code right here. fuck I shouldn't have told you that but if you go look at one of those you get $5 off right now go get a fucking as a Jew I don't like it but as a comedy fan I would say go

go get that amazing thank you guys let you are make sure to watch Alms news show bad ideas it's called bad thoughts May 24th please watch I should can I plug yeah of course

please watch my new podcast on YMH violin horrendous it's been a blast so far Thank you for making me part of the Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you everyone for coming out. Thank you guys. For getting active.

I'll tell you what. We'll do it again next year. Different city. We'll travel. We'll make it a fucking blast. Thank you guys for coming out. Two Bears 5K. Netflix's a joke fest.

Thank you guys. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top of swat the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what. the call to Bears one cave