2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Make Hollywood Fun Again w/ Kevin Smith | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 186

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Go watch The Machine in theaters starting May 26th! Go to http://TheMachine.Movie to find showtimes near you.It’s 2 Bears 1 Cave with Bert Kreischer and guest bear, cult classic director, producer and podcaster, Kevin Smith! The bears discuss the business of podcasting, how Kevin experimented with live shows, and The Machine. They talk about a new chapter of Hollywood, Ben Affleck, and Kevin opens up about his recent mental breakdown. They share insights about workaholism, family life overlapping with their work, pop tarts, doing cocaine on accident and heart attacks.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

The story is me, I got involved with the Russian Mafia when I was 22 and we robbed a train. We're still scared about the Russian Mafia, no. I think I've heard good things. I went opening week and when you did the movie, Ben and Matt have wings. The dogma. Dogma? Um, I always don't watch my movies on silent because you'll turn them off. I watch them in silent out of respect for your character.

Okay. Nice. Excellent pull. 100% I'm a machine. I'm the machine.movie to get your tickets. On Thursday the 25th, we'll be doing a limited live stream from the red carpet that'll air roughly 30 minutes before the movie starts. So like I said, go to the machine.movie

and see if there's a theater near you that's holding the livestream, but on the 26th the 27th and 28 is its wide release Please, I think you're gonna love this movie. It is unexpected. It is funny. There is action. There is killing There is drugs mark Hamill snorts coke. Let me tell you. I promise you this is gonna be a movie you like so go to the machine.movie get your tickets and I'll see you at the movies. Enjoy the episode. Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave and Tom looks good. You lost weight. I did, man. I really, well, it's Christina, right? She's got me on the treadmill and, you know, I knew her before I met him. For real? Yeah. There was a, like, I want to say five, maybe

shit at this point because of the pandemic, it might have been 10 years ago. We did a pilot, I was doing a pilot for a show called, Tonightly. And so they, they didn't know who to pair me up with as a co-host. Yeah. I did a version of the show with Ralph Garmin,

and then they were like, let's pair you up with women. And the guy who created it was the guy who created the Ellen DeGenerer Show and TMZ. So he created TMZ. That show. That's a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was like TMZ needs a companion show for like 6.30 at night.

And he was like, I think it could be you. And so one of the people that I did a pilot with was Christina who was absolutely wonderful. And again, this is going back like 10 years. She's better than Tom arguably. You know, I was on Tom's shirt, oh, is it your mom's house? Yeah.

And she wasn't there. And I tell me that's called Tom. That's called Tom, that fucking let down. That's called Tom Talks or Tom Talks in Espenuel and no one watches those. He was absolutely delightful. But I was walking in there looking for the friend land and didn't find her and then I was like,

well, now I gotta fucking make it work for their husband. But I can make it work for anyone. Let me ask you a question. It does it hurt your feelings when close friends years don't come to your movie premieres. Yes, of course. Of course.

Are we gonna talk about that right away? Because that's who comes to mind. I would love to talk about Ben Affleck But first if you keep calling him Ben Affleck, I will happily talk about him all it reminds me of like when Ben was doing Armageddon yeah, I got to say a name that everyone hates so clench your assholes Harvey Weinstein the former chairman of Mirmex of Ray, just Harvey Weinstein. I'm dying to talk about him, Jerry Weinstein. Put Harvey Weinstein for Betaflac.

Would call it our megadon. That was, and we were all like, does he, is he saying it on purpose or is he not know that it's pronounced our Armageddon? Yeah. That being said, least egregious thing the man ever fucking did. Let's be honest, right? What, make Armageddon? I'm sorry, I brought the thing the man ever fucking did let's be honest right?

What make Armageddon? I'm sorry I brought the room down. No, no, no, no, no, mispronouncing Armageddon. I jokingly said to the my daughter downstairs. I go where I was talking about you and I said he worked he they worked with Harvey Weinstein Harvey Weinstein still owes him money does and then I said you know maybe I'll say like you know a lot of people talk bad about Harvey Weinstein, but what were some of his good dreams? Yeah. This is gonna be a short podcast. Was he really a cunt? Even not knowing all the horrible shit,

which we didn't. Like, you know, some people were like, how could you have not known? It's like, I fucking saw the dude when we made a movie. Yeah. It's not like we pout around or something like that. But even given all that shit, not knowing that shit, he's pretty horrible.

Really? Yeah, one time he, here, this is like, here's a story I don't think I've ever told, ready? So I made this movie called Zach and Mary make a porn out. Yeah, Seth Rogen, who's wonderful in the fucking movie. He's fucking, he's awesome, dude, I'm, I'm gonna put down Hollywood, put down Hollywood. Keep going. Put down Hollywood, right away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm cutting off. He's got a TV show on Netflix called Fubar. And so we're doing like a cross promotion.

And I was after we're all done. You gotta tell me how to be successful. This is fucking nuts. You are a legend. You're showing people the fucking hat collection. No, my hat came sick. Can I just tell people, like, I don't want to tell tales out of school, but I come to the,

this really nice fucking house in the valley, meet Bert's entire fucking family, and then find out it's not his family estate. That's somewhere else, and it's fucking 88 acres. This is just where he works. You're doing shit right. Well, I got really lucky a couple of times. I got really lucky a couple of times.

It's talent and fucking skills. Also, the same thing he goes, it's when your preparation meets opportunity. I mean, if you want to use Pithy Bullshit, you can pull off the internet? Yes, then I'll just write. But it's absolutely right. I'm gonna put Pithy in the back.

He's absolutely right. I wanna talk about Hollywood and what it, what it usually point at, I'm not sure if that's what it's from. It's because we usually, we write them at the front when we do two bears, but that's just in case we wanna pull something up on the internet.

I also wanna point out for the folks at home, you have a fucking team of at least 12 people working on this podcast. I've been podcasting since 2007. Yeah. You know, my team is fucking me. Also, you have cameras, which I guess is now David Goren, the world of podcasts. Yeah, it's gotta be.

When I started, it was all... You started, you started. Hold on, don't let me forget, Zach and Miri. We'll get back to it. You started the podcast game. Like you Rogan Mark, like you guys. With all due respect, I'm pre-Rogan and pre-Mark. You were the, you were the first.

I'm not gonna spam the first. The first is Adam Curry is the pod fob. Yes, I'm Lee enough. When I started, I was doing smod guests, like the top 10 in the podcasting world was this week in tech with Leo Laporte, the happy tree friends, which was an animated like cartoon podcast. Bill Mars after time, like whatever he did for real time, they were doing after time or whatever. So it wasn't even a dedicated

podcast. It was just something they shot and put up there. And there was no mark, there was no nervous, there was no Joe. I remember when Joe Rogan hit me up and was like, hey man, is flashlight a real thing? Should I use them as a sponsor? And I was like, number one, they are a real thing. Number two, like, you'll get free flesh lights. At the very least, they sent me a box of 14 flesh lights and I used them on my, yeah, I guess that's a way to say.

Yeah, that's a lot more. I fucked them, I fucked them. Yeah, right? Oh yeah, my yeah, I guess that's I guess that's a way to say that yeah, I fucked them I fucked them yeah, right. Oh, yeah, they were I just told I just had a meeting with like business weekly and they were trying to I was trying to explain how I run my business. Yes, and I said everything we work with liquid death Oli pop everything we work with is something I enjoy yeah, so that's how we get there And I go I think it started with the flashlight. I remember Rogan going like, everyone was like, you shouldn't use the flashlight. It's not a great sponsor.

It's gonna, and then I said, I said, or Joe, I said, so you're really gonna use them? And he goes, have you fucked one yet? I said, no, he goes, fuck one. And then I was like, hey, man, can you get them a sponsor? I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I honestly felt like that was the great equalizer. Like, I'm not, I't getting into a gender war here,

but women have had vibrators since the fucking turn of the century or since washer machines existed and shit. And there was never anything for the man. And suddenly this was game changer where it's like, now I have something to bring into my marriage. Yeah. If you wanna keep yours right there, I'm gonna keep mine right here.

But I was, I, ever too embarrassed to use it in front of my wife because it does kinda look goofy. Yeah, yeah, I see videos, I've seen porn of girls doing it to their guy and I'm like, that's how it makes no sense. I've never seen that before. Let's go back to the business weekly of it all.

Fuck you're doing it right. No, I'm not. I mean, guys, you're doing it. I'm doing it on a very small scale. I was on fucking your mom's house. They also have a facility. Well, I'm really lucky that I'm friends with Tom and Joe, and so I've kind of been able to like,

kind of scoop off of them and realize what they've done that I've liked. Like, I never liked the renting a place, renting a warehouse, but both Tom and Joe were like, swear by it. I like owning the house, I wanna own the property. So you own this house? Yeah, I own this house.

And then, and then, but I'm from podcasting. From podcasting. And also business standup. Do you feel the, do you feel the podcasting and the standup went hand in hand for example? I thought in 2007 when I started podcasting, I thought I was brilliant because I was like, I figured out a business model where you record a free show

and then that makes people show up to see your show When you're in town and I thought that was the end the end all be a be all end all And then I never even considered advertising until Somebody like I was like podcasting's free and then one day like a year into it my business manager was like free for everyone else The server costs are fucking killing you and I was like, what's that? So at that point I was like I have to that? So at that point, I was like, I have to get money for this somehow other than me performing live.

That's why I reached out to Fleshlight. They had sent me a very lovely letter after Zach and Mary McApporno, which we'll get back to, saying, because we feature in the movie, they were like, hey man, have you ever wanna do like a Kevin Smith mouth Fleshlight? Which I was way into, the idea of like,

fuck my mouth, I'm Kevin Smith. They were like, reach out to us and we'll do it. And so I reached out to them to be like, hey, we do a podcast and they're a server cost and stuff. So would you like to be like our Gerrit Hall? Remember like 21, that on Quiz Show, it's like they had a sponsor, Gerrit Hall sponsor, the whole thing.

I was like, we need a sponsor. And we're never gonna get like fucking pampers or wonderbred, but I was like, this fuck toy company seems like a good fucking fit. I'm gonna, I hope you know the whole story. Do you know the whole story? Because if you don't, you know what I'm talking about? I'm gonna put a gun in your mouth.

I already do, walked into this place. The guy, maybe your lovely family saw your staff of 100. And I was like, I'm doing life completely fucking off. You know the guy that reached out to you about doing flashlights? Yeah, yeah. Aubrey. Yeah.

Well, him and Joe started a company. You know that, right? No. On it. So Joe, so you, I mean, this is like, what are they sell? Hold on. So Aubrey is like, Aubrey is a bad ass dude, right?

He gets the flashlights. He reaches out to you. You introduce him to Joe. I reached out to him. Yeah, yeah, right. You reached out to him about being a sponsor But they did right you set him up with Joe. Yes, he meets Joe Yeah, and then he says Joe would you like to start a supplement company and Joe said yes

They started a supplement company that just sold for like $900 million. Oh my god You're right. I do you have a gun A collection may I is there a half a gun under a hat? But like no, but I think you're gonna send me back into a mental health facility here. Here's what we're talking about that today, right? But your thing is, my dad one time told me I wanted to open a bar called Rick Shaws. And where it had Rick Shaws, it would be like, I'm sure you'd see like five Rick Shaws. And our deal and it was called Rick and then Shaws.

But it was, and the idea was, if you live within a half a mile, we'll pick you up in a Rickshaw and take you home in a Rickshaw. That is fucking brilliant. Okay, and so my dad, I'm not even a drinker or a bar guy, but I can see the value of that. My dad goes, buddy, God didn't give you a ton of skills. So like, don't think that just cause you got successful

as stand up, you can start opening bars. He goes, stay in your lane. Oh my God. What a father lay piece of advice there. Yeah, he's like, he's like, I don't want you to, but like, I've done some business stuff, but it's all within standup, it's all within standup or podcasting.

And for us, for us podcasting was for me, and Joe and Tom, it was an extension of social media to get people to show. Yes. And I think people specifically come out, I know for a fact, because of this show right here, M-Burtcast, that is why they come to my shows. That's how the podcast Hollywood Babylon,

I still do, I still do the Ralph Gordon Garmin. That's a great guy. Amazing. That's a great fucking guy. And Jane Salombob get old, like in the early days, the heavy early days of podcasting, filled our audiences like every damn night. Oh, that was the,

SmartCast was like, like it was the OG podcast. When you started a podcast, you went, you went and listened to you guys and it was just fucking, it was, And you know what you get for that? Like not even bragging about it. Yeah, but how did you avoid getting

a lot of success and money? Like you should have millions of dollars coming in. I should. For the podcast alone. You're really rubbing coming in. I should for the podcast alone. You're really rubbing it in. I'm doing it. I'm just like, I will say this. Can you find a different way to say it?

But because you're absolutely right. I should, but I don't. You need more time in your life. You should. Is he the business guy? He's definitely, well, I will tell you, we have a business together this one and then we run separate businesses. Um, but I will tell you when we have a business together, this one, and then we run separate businesses.

But I will tell you when I lost my job at travel channel, and this is a story everyone's heard a million times, but keep it in. I'll take it. When I lost my job at travel channel, I called him and he, him and Joe, and he said to me, buddy, at the time, he's like, I'm gonna get you over 50,000 downloads per episode consistently, and once you get get there I can get you funding

I can get you introduce you to a ad sales team and they can get you sponsors and I made more money on That episode of the podcast and I did for travel channel and I wasn't paying and it made agents and managers And I was blown away and I went Motherfucker I'm doubling down. Like this is the business model because I don't have to pay agents and managers and it's an hour of something I fucking truly love to do. I love doing.

We are on the second floor, right? So I can hurl myself out the window and fucking, maybe I don't need a gun. But Tom, I'm being dead serious and Tom, I'm being dead serious, Tom will 100% be like, let me help you. You know, it's what we excel in is very different things. But watching his brain work,

like we were doing live streams during the pandemic and we were selling tickets and it was like, it was, I mean, just astronomical business and it changed the game. I mean, at one point, Tom was like dealing with a company and then he was like, fuck it, I'll make my own company and he built his own, he's really is, but him and Joe are like double down in yourself guys like put the money on yourself. I believe in that, but I've I don't know. I don't have no idea what I've done wrong. No, I don't have second house to podcast. You make awesome fucking movies.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. You're very sweet. I'm not necessarily that I make movies. You make fucking awesome. You are the, you were the turn of the change in Hollywood. You were the breath of fresh air. You and fucking witchcraft in the woods, whatever it was called. Blair, which we're Blair. I like your fucking title better. Witchcraft in the woods is pretty hot.

Somebody put that on the board and get trademarking copy right there. The two brothers and their friend, Roba Bank. What was that movie? Two brothers and their friend, Roba Bank in Texas. What was the name of that movie? That was like, was it fucking Owen Brothers? Oh, oh, bottle rocket.

Bottle rocket. That is your title for bottle rocket. I'm not talking about brothers and their friends. Roba Bank in Texas. And that was the thing that was about. I had a hard time. I mean, I get that I'm not brothers and their friends rob a bank. Yeah, right. And that was the thing about I had a hard time. I mean, I guess that's more of a synopsis than a title. But once again, that title is better than bottle rock. But you guys tell the movie. What the fucking bottle rock? You guys changed Hollywood. You changed Hollywood. You know, you did. I mean, I'm telling you tonight. Can I hear I'll show you why I'm not successful because instantly what

I want to do is correct the whole bottle rocket thing. You know, they had studio help. They were fine. Jim Brooks, James L. Brooks, who had Dean like fucking broadcast news and shit. No, that's Jim Abrams. Okay. We've done broadcast news and fucking terms of endearment. Yeah.

He saw a short they did and he got behind them and back them to the tune of $5 million. Wow. So now rather than play like the game, I'm like, yeah, the Wilson brothers, instantly my fucking my integrity jumps in and I have to fuck myself and shoot myself in the foot by being like, well, technically they did not do what we did, but they didn't. What's what's this is why Thompson girl won't help me. No, this is I'm telling you. I'm infecetious, but at the same time, when I saw that. No, this is, I'm telling you, I'm, you're...

I mean, facetious, but at the same time, when I saw that wall of hats out there, I was like, I have failed in my podcast. Dude, I get you hooked up with hats. Well, I mean, I got hats, but I know. I know, I got hats. You have a separate house for podcasting that has wall space enough to just hang

a fucking collection of hats that looks like a work of art. That belongs in MoMA. Thank you, my thank my wife. My business. You're your wife did that. Now my wife did it. That is fucking phenomenal. You married up my friend.

I know. No, she bought a penny stock though. When she met me, she bought a penny stock and it has fucking split and doubled and split and doubled. No one saw that fucking happening. There's the you've written some books, right? You've read a book. So you've definitely the next book should be like, I was a human penny stock. I was arrested. Or it could be two brothers who rob a bag in Texas. Yeah.

Okay. bottle rocket. You were a part of that whole fucking thing. That's the coolest part of it. Yeah. I laid the tracks on. No, here's the lead the track. Here's the lead the track. The person I followed was Rick Linklater. He did Slacker and that made me go like, oh my god, I'd never thought about making a move. I'd only ever thought about watching him. When I saw Richard Linklater Slacker,

I was like, this counts as a movie because if that's the case, maybe I could make a movie too. So they're always, in order to be it, you gotta see it first, and I saw him. And so, to me, will always be the father of all this. Now, when I made clerks, right, at the end of clerks, there was a dedication that said, for Richard Lincolayter,

how heartily, Spike Lee and Jim Jarmas, who led the way. And Ilyana Douglas, who's an actress, and he knows. I know Shalian. She's the chick, they got her fit bit faced, face bit in Robert De Niro's movie, that's the guy that laughs out of the movie theater. The boat is the title,

that laughs out in a movie theater. Genius. So she, such a genius. There's a whole book, you can sell a whole book on alt titles. Ilyana Douglas told me this amazing story early in my career where she was at this point. I don't think I'm telling tales out of school, but she was dating Martin Scorsese back then. So, I went out to lunch with her and Scott Mosher, my producer and her producer and stuff.

And she told me, she was like, well, me and Marty watched Clerks and I just stopped her dead. And I was like, Martin Scorsese watched Clerks as in 1994, like that was fucking everything. And she goes, yeah, and I was like, what did he say? And she's like, well, he waited till the end of the movie. And at the end of the movie, she's like, you dedicate the movie to Jim Jarmer, Spike Lee, how heartily, and Richard Linklider and said, for leading the way.

And she said the only thing he said was, yeah, they led the way. Because he was a part of the Easy Rider Red Bull era. Error. Error. Easy Rider. Each of my dispositing police fuckers is like, this isn't enough. This isn't enough. You're like Red Bull, Joe.

Easy Rider Red Bull. Easy Rider Raging Bull. Still a better title out there. He, well, I mean, there's a guy who, he, Indy film before there was Indy film. Yeah, absolutely. How much did you spend on clerks? 27,575 bucks. Probably about as much as you'll make from doing three live reads.

Shud. Am I right in my clothes? How much do you get for a live read now? Don't look around. I'm just gonna answer. Put it on the board. How much? Look at that figure.

How does one gauge where one is instead? Whether you're headlining or whether you're featuring or whether you're hosting. That's like, so I'm on a club weekend, on a club weekend, you have a headliner host and feature. Now, if you're, these are, and this is how you can gauge even who's a bigger headliner, if you can bring your feature, then you're a big headliner. But if you're just going in the club, gives you their feature, then you're a big headliner. But if you're just going in the club gives you their feature, then you're just headlining. At the time, Tom and I were, I was the headliner and Tom was the feature act.

And then I started working for travel channel and Tom did a special called Mostly Stories that blew the fuck up on Netflix and he started headlining. And then we were like, for a second, we were like this. And then he just skyrocketed. And I will say, and this is the, I give this all the credit to Tom, is as he skyrocketed, he kept me in the know of like, hey man, this is what you have to do, like he wasn't.

He didn't sit on the info, he was sharing the info. He shared the info so much that he, I remember you call one time, he said, what, I said, I sold out Philly. He said, you should I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. For example, Tom said, you should be out of the clubs. You should be out into the truck and I went, no, and he goes, what's your ticket price?

I said $20. He was raising with $35. And I said, really, he was raising with $35. But once you can raise him to $35, you can sell out Thursday and Sunday. Two shows on Thursday and Sunday, maybe even three on Saturday, then you need to definitely be in theaters.

And I never even got, I did that for like half a year and then I went into the truck. Now a place where I had told Tom, I sold out the helium for $20 per weekend. I did the truck, which I think sits 600, 650. And I did six shows. And I was like, fuck, you're right. So Tom and I have always been 100% transparent with zero ego in how we share information, which has been absolutely invaluable to me. Like, and he said super wise things

when everyone was saying the other thing. And I was like, and he's a weird guy, he doesn't need me one, he doesn't need any praise, he doesn't need things. Like I need, I'm like very vulnerable and sensitive and even he deals with that shit, which is, I mean, yeah, everyone needs a Tom in their life. I need that Tom. Yeah, not a Tom. Get that Tom. I would love to get that. I I wound up in the world of a stand up through a very through a backdoor. I because of the movies they put you out in front, you gotta do Q and A after the movies and stuff.

And then I remember like after Mall Rats came out and tanked, I'm thinking about this lately, because I was just in, well, that's why I threw it out. That's what Jason Lee would say, that was what I was talking about. Jason Lee's for real. He was absolutely, Jason.

Well, technically Jason Lee popped up saying nothing in a movie called Me V to Locke by by Allison Anders and he's standing next to Spike Jones in a Dialogless we're buying drugs little sequence, but Mallrats the first movie he says words and he was a professional skateboarder Yeah, I know that's how good if that's how good of an actor Jason Lee is. Yeah, is that people now find out He's a he's a better skateboarder than he is actor. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that was a time when he was like, when I met him on my mom rats, he was like, I'm retired from professional skateboarding.

And you know, he was a fucking child and I was like, retired from, and then also professional skateboarding. All of these concepts were new to me and stuff. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, well, I've been skateboarding at a professional level for the last nine years. And I was like, hey, Claire. He was also, I just want to documentary on that era of skateboarders.

And they talked about him because they were doing the, they were talking about the filming and how he's starting to get his props. Now everyone knows like Tony Hawk and stuff, but Jason Lee is starting to get his props. But and he's been, I remember at one point he got off the board. And he was like, I'm not going to go back on it. But then about 10 years ago, he stepped back on the board. And he's kind of been, you know, bringing it back into his life. And he's, I mean, with all due respect, he's an old man like me.

In fact, I think he's got me by a year. So at age 53 to be like, fucking on deck is pretty damn it. He still looks good. He looks very good. There's some guys don't feel you. Turn on you, right? He's got a turn on you. Even though he's right now, he's got like a bushy,

whitish beard and he still looks fucking young. But so because of the movies, I wound up doing a lot of Q&A, and after Mauret's tank, the University of Delaware, called like three months later, and they're like, hey, we're gonna show Mauret's.

Do you wanna come and talk after it? And since I was in New Jersey, it's like a two and a half hour ride. I was like, yeah, all right. And so I went, and there was a, you know, room full college kids watching the movie. This movie that I was like, you know, fucking depressed over the failure of,

it was no clerks. And then all of a sudden, I felt good after the Q&A. I'm like, fucking right on, man, like it did find its audience. So then I started doing colleges like crazy, but not paid. Colleges would just call and be like, do you want to come talk after the movie?

I was like, fuck yeah, and I drive to them, fly to them, whatever, fuck. So I was doing a Rutgers gig in Rutgers, Camden. I am three hours into a five hour fucking show. So I took, I put up the episodes of the clerks cartoon, which we're never gonna air, so I go outside grab a cigarette. I was a big cigarette smoker in those days.

And the sat kid, the student activity center kid, was back there with me and she's like, wow, man, like you've spoken for three hours, how much longer you want to go? And I was like, I me. And she's like, wow, man, like you've spoken for three hours, how much longer you want to go? And I was like, I didn't tell everyone's bored, I guess. And she goes, you talked way longer than Janine Grafala. I was like, oh, Janine was here because this was, I worked with her on Dogma.

So I was like, oh, Janine was here. And she said, yeah, she was just here last week, man. She only did a 45 minutes and left. And I was like, oh, and then there's a bit of silence. And into the silence, this girl goes, and we paid her 20 grand. And I was like, oh, and then there's a bit of silence. And into the silence, this girl goes, and we paid her 20 grand. And I was like, what, wait, what? And she's like, yeah, everyone gets paid for this.

Why don't you? And I was like, what do you mean everyone gets paid for this? And she was like, there's a student activity fee. She's like, you're one of the most in demand college speakers. And I assumed you got paid after that gig, rather than be like, damn, skip me, I'm getting paid. This is what I was like, well, people are gonna start paying for my gas. I'll tell you that much.

And people will give me like 50 bucks for gas. And I did that for six months until some agent was like, you know, you could probably make a lot of money doing this. So I was doing the college scene like crazy. I would never go near stand-up clubs because I didn't consider myself a comedian. To me, I have a rear comedians. And the idea of like going to a comedy club,

it's like, I didn't earn that. I never had a tight five. I never did, you know, a set or anything like that. I'm just a guy who gets up and answers questions and I answer them very long and comedically. So I did college gigs all the time. Then I moved into theaters, smaller theaters and stuff, but skipped stand-up joints.

Then one dad, been doing it for like fucking eight to 10 years, and there was a musical with a guy that did a talk show where he sits down, and he goes, my closing thoughts, he just passed away recently. Jerry Springer. They did a Jerry Springer, the musical. And this company had booked Carnegie Hall for three nights in a row,

but they could only sell one and a half. So there's Sunday night show or whatever the fuck, they could not sell. So they were at my agency at that time, I was with Endeavor before they were William Morrison Deavor. And the guy, Jared, was asked, I think his name is Jared Hess, was asking around like, do you have any entertainers

that might want to take the third slot? And my then agent who's now like owner of that place, he was like, oh, like Kevin Smith is my client. And I think he does like Q&A shows and stuff, like you want to see if he'll do it. And so they were like, do you want to do Carnegie Hall? And I had less than a month to sell tickets. But I was like, Carlin did Carnegie.

And I never, I never imagined I'd get close to Carnegie Hall for anything. So I was like, fuck it, we'll try. And so I used social media to sell it out. It took me like, fucking 28 days, but I've made it a game where I was like, we've sold this many tickets. We've sold this many tickets.

And I sold out Carnegie Hall. After that, then I started doing theaters like fucking crazy, and it was me by myself. So into this world, I've been doing podcasting on the side since 2007, I've been doing podcasts with Scott Moser. One day, Scott Moser's like, I need to make money, and we've been joking for years about doing podcasts live.

So I was like, who would ever do that? Who would ever take a podcast and sit down in a standup joint? But I was like, we should do that. We'll take it out. I bet you I can make you like 10 grand. So I had my agent, this is 2009. 2008, 2009, because eventually leads to me touring movies, to Red State and my current model of taking movies out on the road.

So I had my book and agent call up all the same places that I would go to and I was making pretty great money as a solo fucking act as an evening with Kevin Smith. Still avoiding fucking comedy clubs like the plague only because I didn't feel like I was worthy for that. I was like, I don't come up with my own material. I answer questions like, you know, a comic goes up there by themselves, fucking unleashes their pain and shit,

and I've never really done that. All I do is answer questions. So I said to the agent, I was like, hey, man, book us on a podcast tour. He's like, what is it? And because nobody had ever done a podcast. This is for anyone listening. You gotta remember, Rogan didn't start,

I hadn't started his podcast yet. No, so the role that he had to start and he started his podcast yet. I remember when the role that he had to start his podcast yet. I remember when Adam started his podcast. Yes, so this is insane. This is like the Ricky Jervais had a podcast, I think. He was the original podcaster that I'd heard. The first time I've heard the term podcast,

the Scott Mosher gone like, have you heard the Ricky Jervais podcast? I was like, what's that? And technically he didn't do it as a podcast. He did it as a radio show that I think the Guardian or one of the London papers put out and referred to it as a podcast, but it was not his intent to be like, this is a podcast. It was back to our podcast. So people hadn't thought about doing it on stage. You know, stand-up places were still fucking stand-up. So I thought we'd go out and fetch the same money

that I got for being solo, but all of them were like, what is this? Like, what do you mean you're gonna sit there and talk to your friends? And are you gonna take questions from the audience like you do? It broke my business model. And so my touring guy was like,

you're gonna have to do these shows for like five, 10 grand of pop and shit. So I was like, you know, whatever. If we have to educate them, we'll educate them. So we went to a little punk rock clubs and that's when I first started going into comedy clubs. They were the only ones who were willing to take it. But nobody knew what a live podcast was at this point.

So fucked up. So we go on this tour and shit and we do like 10 shows. And from there, I was doing a podcast with Jason Muse called Jane Silent Bob Kidled. And so Jason's wife, Jordan Monsanto, will run our company. Smart bless this woman. She was like, I'm going to try to book this show out in the world, because we were doing it a little, I picked up a little theater

on Santa Monica Boulevard, and I renamed it Smart Castle. And we started doing live shows. There was like a 48-seater. So me and Ralph Garmin were doing Hollywood Babylon there. That was a failed radio show. Ralph wanted to do the show biz beat on weekends and we recorded a pilot. And then K-Rock was like, nobody wants to hear people talk on the radio anymore.

So I came in on K-Rock one day to be like, hey man, I opened this podcast theater. And Ralph was like, what if we did show biz beat from there? And he's like, I can't call it showbiz beat, because K-Rock owns it. So as a list call it, Hollywood, Babelon and stuff. So we've been doing Babelon at Smart Castle for like two months. And Ralph could sell it out so fast, because he was on K-Rock.

So he'd make, well, like one announcement on Monday, and we'd sell out by like midday Monday. And so he was like, we could probably take this to like a comedy club. And he went to two. He went to the improv. And then he also went to the John Loveitts comedy club. Up on the universal city wall. So John Loveitts gave us 90% of the gate, whereas the improv only gave us like 85% or something. So we look fuck it. Let's go there. And so suddenly we were doing a podcast where we can sell out 250, I think, was their sell out

per night. And then I brought Jane Soundbob, get all up there same thing. Jordan had the fourth site to be like, I'm gonna try to take it outside of Los Angeles. And the first show she booked was that in Orlando, the hard rock that joint that looks like a fucking coliseum and sold out so fast and we were like

People must love this podcast and I had nothing to do with the podcast Just Jay and Salah Bob was a name for movies that most people know and understood So slowly we went for I went from being a solar act that did theaters to like a podcast act that did punk clubs And then and then comedy clubs and then slowly we move back into theaters. And one day my agent was like, I don't know if it was helium or somebody was like, we want you to do a night of shows. And my bias, my own personal bias against like,

well, I'm not a stand-up community, I haven't earned that yet. I forget who it was, but there was one comic who said this to me. Kevin, you're really shooting yourself in the foot by not doing a comedy club. If you fill it with your audience, it doesn't fucking matter. Like your audience just needs a place to see you.

And so I was like, all right, maybe I could do that. And then that's when I kind of started doing comedy clubs. And like me and Ralph went from the John Love, it's to eventually we went to the improv. And for a good, what was it, five, six, seven year stretch, sold out every fucking show. They put us up on the wall, like before they changed ownership during the pandemic,

they would always credit us with like, you fucking saved the improv, which meant the world to me because I used to watch evening at the improv as a kid in the 80s on fucking cable TV. Now, all that fucking humble bragging to the side, how come I don't have a separate fucking house to do my podcasts in? It can't just be Tom Saguera.

What am I fucking doing wrong? My business model is watch what Kevin Smith does and then wait 15 years and do it yourself. Oh, damn it. I'm going to do that same thing, see if it works. I think I would argue. I mean, I'm using this podcast to promote my movie aggressively. And I'm going to make a 20 May 25th, May 25th Memorial Day weekend. Yeah. The machine is in theaters. Do you have tracking yet? Have you popped up on tracking? Do you know here you're going

to do who's putting it out first and for Sony. Oh, fuck, you need no help whatsoever. What was the budget of the movie? Are you allowed to say? Yeah, I think, I don't know. I've broken a few rules. Got a break in here. I think 20, maybe. They're gonna make a pile of fucking money.

There's no way that this movie doesn't break through. Probably get to like 80 to 100 million. I wanna inspire people to go back to the movie theaters because good movies still are having a hard time in movie theaters. And I want to I want to inspire people to go back to the movie theaters because good movies still are having a hard time in movie theaters Yeah, and I want people to I want to I love eventizing life I love doing that with my tour. I love doing that even when I did this last arena tour I bought a very exciting lot. I'm not I'm gonna pause you right there when you say arena tour Yeah, that's what you're doing now. I'm doing arenas exclusively

Can we go to the third floor and I can jump out the fucking window? That way I'll definitely die. No, but fucking arenas? Are you serious? I mean, I'm not saying you haven't earned it. You've put in the work and fucking like, you blew up fucking huge.

But, you know, I've never done an arena. And I don't think I ever will. Do you want to come and do one with me? Fuck. Yes. God yes. Done. Have them come on one of the fully loaded days put that on the forum on there

We'll throw them on there. I would do that. No, we have a list of Day two you just pick one. You can do the whole weekend with us in the fucking hard we do fully loaded during the summer We put like nine comics on a show we go into arenas. We're doing the gorge. We're doing Forest Hills out in New York and how big are these arenas? 15 oh my god and so Yeah, they're really fun. They're really fun. I would do it just for the fucking fun of Dylan I've never done dude. I really love to have you we have a insane lineup We have Lewis black David tell Tiffany had is Mark Norman Shaw Shane Gillis now you're intimidating

There's there's a legit comedian. Oh, there's legit comedians and we have a blast and we have a blast The whole thing is like set up around having a great time for us and then doing these shows and the shows the doors open at five, show starts at seven, sun sets at eight 30. And it's like a full fucking day. When you say sun sets at eight 30, so we do our real couple outdoor ones.

Not less this year, less this year, the gorge is the big one. The gorge is we're closing it and that gorge I think ultimately holds like 45,000 people. We't fill that but all we need to sell is like fucking 10,000 15,000 but that's okay like you won't sit there on stage and be like fuck we didn't sell it out No, I don't I'll never see what the gorge seats. I will never fill the gorge. That's and that's like But it but it don't matter. It doesn't matter to me all I need I know what our nut needs to be and our nut needs to be really At 9,000 were I'm already we've already sold I think we've already sold almost all the tears we can sell

So yeah, so it's but they're fun. I will when we walk downstairs You'll see a list today so you can pick whatever you want to do fucking I and I would do that just for the experience of being on stage in arena I mean I it although that lineup is very so fun But I I love eventizing life and I'm trying to. I know it's venting the ads as we came up to. The fucking bills, the posters. Dude, I love it. I love, and my goal is to get people to want,

to go to the movies. Can you sell the experience of going to the movies, of how fun it was for you as a kid? It was for you as an adult highlights. Like I mean for me personally, I have a couple real touchstone moments in in movie watching it. It was Ghostbusters. Like see that name you know.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Movie with, movie with Harold Raymas where they go after dead people. Ghostbusters was like, you described movies like it's a jeopardy category. We should see me do impressions. Those are impressions the other day. And I was like, I was like,

I forgot how I was doing them, but I was just, I forget anyway. So take that off the board impressions, but I'm really bad at impressions. But I remember seeing like being in the summer when it's raining and it's hot in Florida. And you Florida kid. You Florida kid. Well, part you grow up. Tampa.

Fucking Tampa. So you know the Tammy Emmy trail. Oh, yeah, of course. You know, that is where like the predominantly where most of these strippers and hookers in America come from, that Tammy Emmy trail. For real? Yeah, somebody read that fact off to me one day, and it was like, what, why, but let me ask you this,

because you grew up there. Why do you think that is? Is it more permissive in Florida, or here's my theory, it's all hot, so people are wearing less clothing. Well, I used to think that's why women in Florida were more attractive than anywhere else, because the less amount of clothing,

the more you want to take care of your body, and that's that would make sense except for my body, but But I will tell you our sensibility about strip clubs from Florida. Yes, it's extremely different than like when I meet other people explain strip clubs for us were a thing you did at the end of the night when the bars closed You go to the strip clubs and a lot of times you could bring in your own booze and they let you. And so everyone would meet at strip clubs. So you'd be there with your best friends, your best friends, girlfriends, all their friends, your future girlfriends, your girlfriend.

And so it was like, but you're not necessarily there to see people naked, it's just a gathering place. You are, like people would get lab tenses, but no one like, look down. Like I have a friend whose wife won't let him get lap dances, and I think that's fucking insane. Cause like I don't know if I could be married

to someone like that, cause I'm like, no, I'm not doing anything. Like it's, you have to understand that this action and cheating on you are very different things. Agreed. And so, but in Florida, it was just like, I mean, when we were, when we were 15 years old, we all got fake IDs at KINGO's

and cause you could print up, you could make an identification card. So wait, when I was in high school, there was no KINGO, how old are you? It's dumb, I'm 50. It was whatever it was. It was like KINGO's or whatever the copy's so. I got you by two years, I'm 50, too.

Yeah, I'm 50. And you own your own podcasting house. Yeah. What the fuck am I doing wrong? But, but you get you get an idea like whatever our our copy story is. Right. I thought it was King goes, but you can get an idea. You can write your own idea. They just you go your age and you just wrote it down. It seems more permissive in Florida regardless. It seems like that's not the crime they're looking after or looking for. They're not like trying to bus kids with fake ideas. There's so many

things that grow up in Florida. I go I say to people I go, how often you play that Tampa theater down there? Well, now you must play the Tampa Theater in the arena. It's the Emily. So when you did the Tampa Theater for the first time, which I'm assuming you did, where you're like, fucking king in my hometown. I was, well, the Tampa Theater was a big deal.

Selling out the improv was a big deal for me. The improv here, or the Tampa was a really big deal. How much? What did they see? 254, no, no, they're probably 3, probably three three 10 because it's all the way to the top That's what they got levels. Yeah, they got levels and but selling out the Tampa theater I sold like I think I sold four shows at the Tampa theater and I was like I was like man My parents came my dad's number said I'd never seen me do stand up

And he didn't he sat in the back. He didn't watch he sat in the back But he came out and staged and ripped his shirt out off at the very beginning and the place what nuts? That was a big moment. Have you been ripping shirts off since the beginning? No, I started like, did he do it first? And you were like, that's a good idea. I'm totally stealing that. That's my gala girl with the watermelon.

There's my fucking mallet, right? As a kid, he'd walk in the house and rip his shirt off and go, that would work. That sells. That sells. The pop, man, you should hear my sisters. But when I was in super proud, well, he's always been proud, but he doesn't show it very well. It was, I mean, he just is like,

he's an old school dude. Right. And I had one of those. He dropped dead 20 years ago. For real? Yeah, yeah. Coming up June 3rd, it'll be the 20 year anniversary of him dropping dead.

It was alright though. I mean, he went out in such a great way. We all went to your success. A little bit. He saw up until, he died right before Jersey Girl came out and that didn't do well, so I'm kind of glad that he went before that came out because he would have been like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You had it all!

But yeah, he was a big, he was, you want to talk about the movie theater experience? I think I became a filmmaker because my dad used to take me to the movies. Like he would pull me out of Catholic school on Wednesdays to go the first matinee because it was like a buck 50. And I remember my mom told me like the first time he was going to do it, she was like, your dad's going to come and pick you up for half day and he's going to take you to the movies. And I was like, what do I tell my teacher, but what do I tell the nuns? It was prokaryle school, Catholic school. Our lady

perpetual help. My mom was like, tell them your aunt died. And I was like, all right, and so I went to school. I was like, my aunt died, so my dad's gonna pick me up, and he came pick me up at noon, and I got called down to the office, it's just a glory of Louise. I was like, I'm so sorry about your aunt, and we'll pray for us that thank you. And then we went see Raiders of Lost Star. Formative experience. Number one is a great movie. But number two, my father was a man of very few words, very circumstance. He's not like me. He's not open. He doesn't wear his heart on his fucking sleeve. Well, he doesn't wear anything anymore. He's fucking dead.

But he was not that kind of guy that was like, son, let's share. You know what I'm saying? How he communicated with me was by taking me to the movies. And, you know, he would gauge what he thought I could handle. Like, he took me to see the world, the world according to Garpe when I was 12. And that's a, it's a great movie, but it is not a movie you'd necessarily take a 12 year old to, but he was like, he can handle this shit. But he would take me to be things. So I learned the term Tourette Gunner. Yes. Yeah. Fucking amen. I remember we watched that on VHS at my house. Wonderful. So he took me to see Raiders Lost Ark and my father who is very quiet lit up like a

fucking child like throughout the opening 10 minutes of that movie. He was like, he's like, do you love this? He's going, this is the kind of movie that I used to go to when I was a kid with your aunt and they were called cliff hangers and you pay a little bit of money and then you have to come back the next week. He's like, they're making cliff hangers again. This great. You having a great time. It's like he was doing fucking rails.

He was so fucking excited. Yeah. And so the joy, the exuberance that my father lit up with when he was in a darkened movie theater, obviously made an impact. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying I only did films because I was trying to recapture that moment

with my dad, but it certainly fucking helped. And my dad worked at the post office, and mercifully never fucking killed anybody, but he hated his fucking job. And so he was also influential there, because he hated his job so much that I was like, when I got older, I was like, I would rather risk doing something

that could turn into something, doubling down on myself, so to speak, to Bar the phrase, rather than just go work for some fucking corporation or the government, because he was so fucking miserable doing it. So I own the movie theater now that my father used to take me to when I was a kid. Me and my friends last year in September bought the,

what was called the Atlantic movie house. When I was a kid, it was called the Atlantic Highlands Twin Cinema. But now it's got five screens. We renamed it Smart Castle Cinemas, And I'm there twice a month doing shows all the time. Like we just me and Jason Mews just showed Jane Salabob strike back to his sell out of house and stuff like that. Jason Lee, the aforementioned Jason Lee came three weeks ago. We did chasing Amy. That was sold out. No, I'll tell

you right now, no new movies fucking sell opening night of Avatar to Saturday night, Friday night, at seven o'clock, we had 12 fucking people. Creed III, which did very well everywhere else, six people on opening night. Fucking Shazam, Shaziddin, at all, and fucking died. Shazam, Shaziddin. The one fucking movie that I will give Hollywood credit for

and thank and suck the dick of from now until the end of time is that little Italian man, Super Mario, because oh my God, that's the movie that we has earned the most at Smodcastle Cinema outside of the personal cinema. I'm not so many people talking to me about that fucking movie. People love it, dude. Yeah, kids, I was there cleaning up, like we had a fucking leak on the like two weeks ago, it was really fucking rainy and shit, and I was cleaning up like mop and shit. Shit I had done since Quickstop, man, but I'm that kind of owner. And I was mopping up this leak outside of theater four

where there was a kids party and they were showing Super Mario brothers. And it was like a bunch of fucking like a baptism church. They were so fucking loud. They were screeching through the end of the movie. And then they all collectively sang that Jack Black song during the credits. I was like so moved.

That was like, this reminds me of my fucking childhood. Here's what I want. Here's what I want. I don't know if you can do it, but you are a good talker. I think I'm a pretty good talker. And I can bring the machines into my movie theater. What's that?

Bring the machines to my movie theater. I will do a fucking screening. That'll fucking sell out. I would love that. I know you're a screening. That'll fucking sell out. I will. I love that. I know you're a busy guy. No, no, I'm not. Everything I'm doing right now is about this movie.

I got one opportunity, I think. I feel like I've had a lot of people hit me, have a lot of comics have hit me up. I'm been like, if your movie does good, I bet they start bringing about comedies. Because it's so hard to do comedy. Well, are you presenting it like the routine or are you presenting it like a fiction narrative? Wait, do you know who plays my dad? No.

Are you gonna lose your shit? Is there a fourth floor that I could throw myself out? You're gonna lose your shit. You're gonna lose your shit, man. Tell me. Tell me. John Belushi, because that would, that'd be nuts. That would be great.

I don't know if I'm a Farley would have been great that. Although I think I'm Farley's age. The, I think you beat Farley's age. So the, the movie is based on the, have you seen the trailer? I've not seen the trailer, although I think I'm farly's age. I think you beat Farley's age. So the movie is based on the, have you seen the trailer? I've not seen the trailer, but I know the bit. I know the one. No, no, no, no.

So the don't hang on, don't pull, take the screen down. I don't want you, I want to tell you on it. Okay. So, I was like, so no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop. So the movie is based on me and my dad getting kidnapped by the Russian. I remember the story.

I've seen you tell that. No, no, no, the story is me. I got involved with the Russian mafia when I was 22 and we robbed a train. That's the state. This is not that. It's it's based off that. Okay, but it's me and my dad getting kidnapped

by the Russian mafia and me having to go write the wrongs of me robbing that train and then me and my dad So it's taking the routine and then building on top of it and my dad is played by Mark Hamill Well, I've worked with him. I'm not okay I did I did I'm again, I'm that this is gonna be a humble brag, but there was a period where, you know, Mark wasn't Mark for a minute. Like, when all those Star Wars movies were done and people didn't give a fuck and whatnot, Harrison Ford was working, but like Mark wasn't. We did Jane Salabov strike back and I cast Mark as cock knocker in the Blood Man and Chronic

movie. And in the movie, like, when he first comes through the fuck, punches through the wall and pulls his giant fist back, we freeze frame and it says, hey kids, it's Mark Hamill applause. So I, you know, I remember his kid Nathan, like really thanks me. I got to thank his kid Nathan because Mark told me, he goes, I don't know your work. I think Nathan did the same thing for me.

I mean, probably, I think either that or his other son did the same thing for me because he's like, I'm not familiar with you, but my son said I got, I got to, I got to, I got to watch the same fucking pitch. He's like, my kid, he goes, my, I've, I'd never do Star Wars or into stuff because we lightsaber about that movie. He goes, but there have been two things that my kids made me do. One was the Simpsons and the other is this. They say they like your movies and shit. So Nathan, like after we did that, I was met him years later, because he was younger.

It's stuff. I met him at the Scum and Villainy County and my friend, JC's bar out here. The star wars, well, you can't say star wars bar. He might get sued. Space opera themed bar. Yeah. And so I met him finally and I got to thank him

because I was like, fucking dude, unless you say to your dad, like you should do this, your dad never touches this. And he was very sweet. He was like the fact that you froze the movie to shout him out. Yeah.

And it set a pause in every screening people would fucking applaud. We just showed it last weekend, again, at my theater with Jason Mews, and people applaud the moment he comes on screen but then when the applause moment came on they went like fucking doubly hard. I love Mark.

I love Mark. I love Mark. And the fact that he plays your dad is fucking a st- I was awesome. I knew you guys married a Skywalker rancher. I was like, oh shit. No, Mark is my boy. Mark Kamel and his wife took me to-

Shout out to Mary Lou. Mary Lou is wonderful. She's wonderful. Mary Lou took, it really was Mary Lou more than Mark. Took us to the only time I've ever gone to the Playboy Mansion when my kid was little for the Easter egg hunt with the bunnies and she was very tight with all the people there and stuff. She's great.

I know Chelsea, Chelsea. I texted with Chelsea last night. Wonderful. I texted with her like last week. When I was directing episode of Flash, Mark was like, Chelsea wants to shadow you. And I was like, oh my God, come on out. So she hung out with her for like two weeks. They're beautiful.

I live with him in Serbia for three months. In Serbia, that's what he was doing over there. I remember when he was talking about fucking, I'm in Serbia doing a thing. He does the voice of Skeletor on my masters, the universe cartoon on Netflix. Yeah, revelations, calls, and the new one coming up is called Revolution, but he's the new voice of Skelet Netflix. Yeah, revelations calls and the new one coming up is called Revolution, but he's the new voice of Skeletor.

Yeah, he's awesome. And he's very generous with like Star Wars stories. And he's very, isn't he knowledgeable about pop culture just in general? Yeah. Like he's the guy who honestly should be selling out fucking arenas just telling stories. And he's, I mean, he's a great storyteller.

He is. And he was a joy to be around like, you know, the thing you would always worry is like, if people bring up Star Wars, it's gonna be like, oh, but he tells you those stories like he's telling it for the first time. Right. And he's like, and he's of, and he has no ego about him. I love.

He doesn't know. Incredible. We're gonna have a podcast. Yeah. Um, I love him to death. He's so awesome. That is great. That's it.

Now, let's go back to the release of the movie. Yes. There's no way this movie doesn't fucking hit. Let's, I pray, I pray. And you shot it in, Serbian. You shot it in Serbian. It was that like, it was the greatest experience of my life.

Are you serious? It was the, so I never really cared about making a movie. I enjoyed movies. Somebody is chasing us with a drone Right, I like it right. It's got to be somebody's trying to get a picture of you. I love that's how famous you I loved watching movies, but I as far as like acting and movie making I just figured that's not my thing I'll never end up doing it and I kind of just was like I'm cool with that

I'd gotten offers to do like small acting things and I was like yeah, I'm cool with that. I'd gotten offers to do small acting things, and I was like, yeah, I'm good. I was just podcasting who stand up. And then I sold this at legendary. I was trying to sell three different movies, but I sold it legendary on accident, because he goes, I'll make a movie, which one do you want to make?

And I was like, well, if I'm gonna make a movie, I should make the machine. Who is it, who at legendary? Kale Boyd, or? That cat, I don't know. And he goes, yeah, why didn't you pitch pitch that and I was like, I don't know I was just tired of pitching it why you pitch it before I pitched it so much and knowing it everyone had passed right and so he goes Why why what what and I go I don't know I go what it?

What if I do make this movie in this successful and then the Russian mob kid naps me and he goes sold and I went what what He goes sold I fucking love it. He goes. It's's the hangover, me, it's Godfather too. That's dope. And I was like, I didn't even know what the fuck was going on. I was just scared about the Russian mob or now. No, I think I've heard good things. About the enterprise in general. I've heard they're cool to do.

I hear they're on there up and up. And I'll tell you, everyone I've ever met in the Russian mob is a solid fucking dude. I'm being that serious. That's a fucking soul right there. Yeah. If they took poll quotes, they should put that on their post. And I've heard people in Brighton Beach

about where the Russian community's really big. Out by Ithcone Island. That people have seen the story and they go, well, that happened. That definitely happened. I think that's my son that he was with. I see. I've heard people say that to me.

The, is there any part of you that's a little scared? A little bit. Yeah. Especially when I did a general meeting with the people who do Barry and they were like they were like so how did you Like what was the vetting process for the mafia thing because like we wanted to use Russian mafia and they were like that's way too dangerous And I was like you're like vetting process. I told us on fucking Rogan's podcast What do you mean vetting process and they're like? Like because we were gonna do this. This is the one piece of advice that Thompson Grr has not been helpful with. Yeah, right.

Well, fuck it. That's how I go out. That's how I go out. Look at that shit. That's fucking living right. I'm a writer-die. So, but no, but in doing the movie, in going there and making the movie, my very first day, and I don't know if I've said this or not, but I was not going to drink. I was not going to drink. Are you a big drinker? I'm a huge drinker.

Is that a Floridian thing? Yeah, I think so. And I started drinking with the right amount of you. That's when I really started drinking in life. But you're not, you would not consider yourself problematic drinker. I'm definitely not. Definitely not. I'm definitely not. You drink to have fun, but not drink because you're like, if I don't drink, I'm fuck, you don't consider yourself an alcoholic. I'm 100% not definitely not. I'm definitely not. You drank to have fun, but not drink because you're like if I don't drink

I'm fuck you don't consider yourself an algorithm 100% not an alcohol. That's awesome. Good. The Not wrong with drinking. Yeah as long as drink don't drink you the drinks drink me sometimes But I'm drinking the most of the time. Right. So I win most drink You're like Mary and Ravewood and Rader is a lot of stark. Drink falls over and you're still standing. So I get there and Kale goes, we go to dinner the first night and they order a bottle of wine. I'm like, I'm good and he goes, what are you doing? I was like, I'm not gonna drink and he's like,

no, the fuck you are. And he goes, hold on. I didn't hire sober, I hired regular bird. And he goes, if you, he goes, if we're making a movie and you're trying to whiten up a lit by not drinking in the foreign country, away from your family for three months, then you won't have a good time. He goes, this should be fun. You didn't bring the family?

No, no, no, it stayed here. It stayed here. And so I said, they stayed here. They, they, they, they, they identify as it. So I, he said, he said to me, and I don't know if this is good advice or not, but he goes, uh, I can't, he goes, I don't know if this movie's gonna be successful or not, we know no one can tell that. What I can tell you is, if you have a good time making this movie, it'll show up on

screen. True. So he said, so have a fucking blast. He goes, this may be the only time you ever make a movie. So enjoy every part of it and Kevin I fucking Left Serbia go I sold another movie right after that. I was like I'm in I want to make movies This is what I want to fucking do. This is so much fun. The the summer camp feel of everyone getting around and all being on the same thing

The hardest part of this movie for me dead Dead serious has been the promotion of it. I've never understood, well, I never understood. I would imagine that would be the easiest part of your wheelhouse when it comes to the process. It would seem that way, but it makes me very vulnerable. In what way? I just, in that I'm annoying people, and I'm talking too much about the same thing

over and over and over again. Isn't that what a comic does? It is, it is, but for whatever reason, you feel Sally. You've earned it, my friend. You've earned it. Like, and no one will begrudge you this moment.

Now, going forward, like if on the next movie, I mean, that's not even true. You've earned it. I don't think anybody's going to come down it. Did Thomas Gouric come down on you and said that ain't the way to do it? No, no, no. No one knows. None of our friends, I mean, not none of our friends,

but none of our friends technically have starred in a major motion picture. He said he financed a film. He did. He did show it. It's more of a, I don't think it's a movie. I think it's a TV series. Right. Is that what it's become? I think I don't know. He really is tight-lipped about it, because he's not like me, like I'll tell you everything I'm doing, Tom kind of just keeps everything close to him. I saw like a clip of one thing,

and I was like, when do I get to see more? And he was like, I don't know, I don't know. So weird it, because you guys are like thick as fuck. I show him everything I fucking do. And we sold our next movie, Fat Astronauts, in the tent in Serbia. That's awesome. And so, and-

To legendary? Yeah, to legendary. And, but, but I don't know, it's made me very vulnerable and I, and it's, and it would be- Don't be, it's, it's so in your wheelhouse and there's nothing wrong with promoting. This is your first time at that.

It's more and more, but he's gonna be like, do stop talking about that. Like, you look at like, like, like, this is a dream come true. You didn't realize you had. Can I tell you? People will begrudge you. And I don't even think it's going to be grudged you. I just think people are like rooting for you. I hope I hope I was against you. I don't know.

I say nobody. You can't even think about it. Not even the Russian mob. You like the Russian mob is giving you good reviews. I hope they are. It's the thing, there's a part of me that goes, I don't wanna feel, I am the person that wants to love the moment. Like I look fondly back at old Hollywood. Like the idea that I'm gonna say benefact is an example.

I lived right around the corner from him when he lived over on Outpost. And do you know that's where I live now? Yeah, I bought Ben Affleck's. Yeah, I did, I lived in it for the first time. I lived in it for the last 22 years. I did know that. I actually did know that.

I fucking did know that. And I know what, the one of the cars you have out front. I used to drive by the house all the time. What, where did you live? I lived over on Glenco over by like, over more towards the ball by Hollywood Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, that's where Mewzy lived. And then he sold the house and he lives over

and where Las Feele is area. Yeah, but wait, so you don't live in that area any more? No, no, no, no, we live, I actually were all next door. You're like, fuck it. No, we live in that. I have a second house for podcasting. Why the fuck would I love to live in that area?

I love that area It is yeah, it's gonna be tough to get we're putting that house up for set if you want to buy that house, bro You want to talk about a podcasting palace you if you want to buy as you call him That you know that would be like I would drive by I would jog so I jog up outpost Sometimes I'd jog over by that house, and I would look at that house. And I actually knew you lived out at the time, but I remember hearing that there was a Guinness refrigerator in a pool on the roof, and I used to think that was my,

and before I knew anything about anything, and I was just was hosting like a late night TV show, I would think that's the goal. In that goal, you also had to be young. I wanna be young. I wanna be young. 50 still young. 50 still young these days.

Yeah, fuck you. But like that, your moment, when you got out here and you and Ben and Matt and all these guys were doing such huge things, that was like, that's dead now, that doesn't exist. It doesn't happen now. It doesn't, like when Arnold and fucking Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis bought Planet Hollywood.

Oh, but in Planet Hollywood, yes. That was a fucking moment. And I want that moment back in this city, Rogan left, Tom left, everyone left Hollywood and I go, fuck that, I want to make Hollywood fun as fuck again. My movie The Machine is exclusively in theaters this weekend. On the 25th we're doing a limited livestream that's coming from the red carpet. So you can go to the machine.mov and see if there's a theater near you hosting that livestream.

It will air 30 minutes before the movie starts. But other than that on the 26th, 27th and 28th, we are out there. So go to the movies, get out of your house, put your phone in your pocket, put it on silent, get popcorn, get peanut M&Ms, sprinkle it into the popcorn, two hot dogs, shove them in your pockets, extra soul in the popcorn, get a large diet coke or a cold beer. I think they're serving cold beers these days. Oh, go to the movies, enjoy a cold beer, and watch my movie, The Machine. You go to the machine.movie to get your tickets.

I'll see you at the movies. I hear, let me tell you my fucking Hollywood thing. So me and the wife, remember it was raining like two months ago, one month ago, and it turned into this place turned into Seattle. And it went on for so fucking long that I was like, I can't take this shit anymore. Everything's changed. I said, I can't take this shit anymore.

Everything's changed. I said, we don't even fuck with this city on a regular basis. We hide in our house. I was like, there's gotta be someplace else we can move. And so my wife, Jim, was like, what, look, New Jersey? I was like, I ain't saying it's gotta be Jersey. Let's look at the map and find a place

where we can fucking live. We've done 22 years in Los Angeles. Let's look for some of the place. My wife's like, well, I like it here, because I like nature. And I'm like, nobody fucking associates Los Angeles with fucking nature of that. But we live in that area of the hills, where it is, everywhere you look,

you can't see fucking anything except nature, what they call a hell of a map. That's the most beautiful part of Hollywood. That's my favorite part of Hollywood. It's fucking gorgeous. So we looked at the entire fucking map every state. And eventually we were like, I guess Los Angeles is it. Like there's no place else that I want to live. It's, it's, and so when

you said Joe left, and then you're right, Tom, I was on Tom's show also in Austin. Yeah. Why do people keep fucking leaving? Well, because it's cheaper with them. Well, number one, Joe has no interest in Hollywood. Like Hollywood. But neither do I, but I love I love the concept of it. I like if I can go back and tell nine-year-old me who my parents my took us to Gromance Chinese theater so I can see the Star Wars footprints when I was nine years old and that was a big deal because we were poor fucking family and shit. If I could go back in time and tell that kid not only do you one day live in Hollywood like two blocks up from Gromance, Chinese theater,

but you and Jason put your hand prints and footprints in this cement as well. That kid, it would explode his fucking mind, and he'd probably fuck it all up, trying to get to that point. Like, it'll quite like you, a lot of things happen, fucking accidentally to me and shit. I have a hard time thinking about going,

even when everyone's like, oh, it's too expensive and shit like that. You got to pay to play. Like, it's a great place to fucking live, man. So I'm happy to hear you like wanting to stay and wanting to do a thing here. Like, when you mentioned Planet Hollywood, there should be a podcaster fucking same idea. Like, what those three guys did for movies

back in the fucking 80s with Planet Hollywood for fucking podcast podcasting. And bearded guy who's fucking rich enough and smart enough and you know, Tom's a girl, and he helps to make that fucking happen. It's, it's, it's just for me, I like, if I listen to, uh, to what's the guy that hate short people? Uh, Randy Newman. If I listen to Randy Newman's, we're talking now. Now we're talking. We are, let's deep cut. Go. If I listen to him, I know.

If I listen to him, he doesn't really hate short people. He's just sang a very successful novel to his song about. He's also the guy who composed the score for joy story. If you don't know the song, you just are like, what the fuck did he do to short people? This is a dude who sang many years ago, short people got no reason to live. They got time to live.

But he also wrote, you got a friend in me. He's, if I listen. Which short people listen to, and they're like, no, we don't. We're out. And oddly enough, you got a friend in me is a song about short toys. So this dude went full circle on his fucking way. But anyway, back to Randy Neum. And oddly enough, you got a friend in me is a song about short toys.

So this dude went full circle on his fucking leg. But anyway, back to Randy Noor. If I listen to I love LA, I start tearing up. Oh my God. I want to fucking hug you. I love that song as well. I'm a young Jersey kid. I remember seeing one of the earliest music videos before MTV, they had a show on HBO,

I think, called Video Jukebox. And they showed the video for that. Of him driving fucking around Los Angeles, shouting out names, we love it, we love it. And they're driving through, and you see beautiful chicks with teased out hair and fluorescent bikinis, we love it. Today I had, today is specifically aggressive.

I met up with Arnold at Golds gym in Venice Beach. I spent the night at Shudders with my wife. Nice. We had dinner at Shudders, we. Nice. We had dinner at shutters. We got drunk. We We had a great evening woke up an Arnold Schwarzenegger was saying to me So you're the next action star. So this is where they're going. I love it. I love it And it was like it was really cool the fact that he said I love it twice You love it. We love it

was really cool. The fact that he said I love it twice. You're like, we love it. We love it. It's so, and so then, and then we go to breakfast and shutters and I, again, shutters is an amazing fucking though. I'm not saying that Austin doesn't have this, but fucking Ed Norton walks by us.

And I did the worst. I am so bad. Like, I think celebrity's cool. I think it's cool that a guy, first of all, his movie Richard Gears, one of the fucking greatest movies I've ever fucking seen. Primal Fear? That did.

What would be your title for that movie? The guy who does two accents. Brilliant. The guy who does two accents is spoilers, but yes. What is it? If you haven't seen Primal Fear, give it a watch. Because when it comes to the second accent, your mind will be fucking blocked.

It's such a great watch. I've watched it so many times. it comes to the second accent your mind will be fucking blocked It's such a great watch so many times and even knowing the story I could get lost in his his Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh You ready? Yes. He walks by. You're like, you were great in the guy that does two accents. Nope. I went, uh, and he went, nice. I bet you be appreciate that. And he was like, mm-hmm. And he walked by me. And my wife was like, did you just... Like the priest character in the movie he made with fucking Ben Stiller.

Like, mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife's like, did you just go baby walrus on him? I'm just, ah! And I fucking, but I think that's so, my wife's like, did you just go baby walrus on him? Just, oh, it's, it's, it's, it's, I fucking, but I think that's so cool when, I like seeing famous people too. I love seeing famous people.

I remember the first. In the wild, especially unplanned. I remember when I met Tom Cruise. Men I met him, I saw Tom Cruise. The premiere for Magnolia, when his hair is just perfect, right? How were you at the premiere for Magnolia? I was just moved out here.

I was hanging out with my assistant, my agent's assistant, and she said, we have tickets for the premiere of Magnolia if you wanna go with us. And I said, fuck yeah. I didn't know anything about the director. Paul Thompson, Paul Thompson. Paul, what would you call Magnolia

if you didn't know the name? The guy that grabs him by the pussy. Oh, wow, that's a long walk. Yeah, yeah. But I'm fairly accurate as well. What would you call Magnolia if you didn't know the name? The guy who grabs him by the pussy. Oh. Wow, that's a long walk. Yeah, but I fairly accurate as well. I don't remember the singing movie where the frogs fall out. It's going to move you to the movie that says one's the loneliest number.

Yeah, that's the fucking greatest soundtrack. I bought that soundtrack immediately. But like, so I'm telling a story, Tom Cruise is behind me, but I don't know he's behind me. And I turn around and I bump into him. And he still has the exact same hair. And I all I look at him, I go, you have beautiful hair. And he went, thank you.

And just walked away. Yeah, I was like, fuck. How'd you see in the movie? I don't know. I see him, we just seen it. So you didn't think to be like, respect the cock, tame the pussy. No, you should have.

Your compliment meant more. I'm not good at like meeting a celebrity. I always fuck it up. I always, you met one today and you're very good at it. I don't consider myself a celebrity for that. But no, but I look at like the, I want this, I like the, the fucking Jack Nicholson sitting on the fucking floor and like,

Flaker, that energy that's happened like twice. He's been in the news for it. Like he was gone for a long time. And now all of a sudden, he's going back to games. Is that what it was? And he started podcasts with broken ones. You'll be a great podcast guest.

Him? Yeah, fuck. You know what I talk about stories and shit. And also he's just entertaining. If you ever watch it, remember back in the day when he would be at the Oscars and like, you know, doing a presenting or something like that.

You tell he didn't do the script and you could tell he was enjoying the fuck out. He's a guy that always seemed like he enjoyed being in Hollywood, being in the business. If we could be. Not just being a great actor, but also all the accoutrements that went along with it. If we can make, if here's my plan.

This is my plan. Now, if you told me, you know who plays my dad in this movie, Jack Nicholson, then I would have been like, where's the fifth floor? And I'm jumping out. That would have been. But not to kill myself, jumping out because I was so happy for you and not jealous at all.

Thank you. The, there's a goal to reach for. Like, he don't act no more. So imagine being the guy that pulls him out of retirement, even for one scene. The, there's a goal to reach for, like he don't act no more. So imagine being the guy that pulls him out of reach, I'm even for one scene. You could do that with the next move. David, it's an astronaut. That astronaut we can get him.

I bet we could. Yes. The, my goal is to, to have some machine. I bet we could. This is my goal. The machine, I want them, they said to me in an interview, you'll find this comical. I didn't know anything about movies and how much movies make. And they're like, what's your goal for opening weekend?

It's not a hundred fifty two million. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha open to what $119 million, that's a Marvel movie. And so I'm looking to... $152, beat it, why not? Yeah, we've seen Marvel movies before. You know what we haven't seen? Machine. Yeah. And so then that'll immediately green light fat astronauts and... Fat astronauts is getting greenlit regardless.

I just read the latest script, it's pretty fucking awesome. And then I'm gonna sign up, I've already told legendary, I've already told them, I've given them two offers. We can wait until after the movie premieres or we can do it before. If we do it before, I'll sign very small deals, but I wanna do the machine two, three and four. I wanted them to sign up to do a few.

The four more machines, that's my Rambo. Beautiful. And then you're talking to a guy who made three clerks. Yeah. And two J and Silent Bubs with one more 10 years. Yeah. So I'm all for the franchise. And so that's my goal.

And then I wanna be, and then I just wanna like really phone it in as an actor and be that Hollywood guy who like does big things. Man, make a suggestion. Yeah, please. The machine to the machine, or the machine three, the machinist. I love it.

You know what I'm saying? And then do one more just because fuck you, it's that successful. That your trilogy is for films. I miss that. I miss that fucking big moment. Those like fucking like Bruce Willis driving a motorcycle down a red carpet with a fucking cigarette.

And then playing the harmonica to where he was doing Bruno, his Bruno shit. Yeah. Like those. I was a huge Bruno fan. Like I had both of those albums. Dude, I worked with him on cop out That's a whole other story. Yeah, I think I've heard that yeah

But still one of the reasons I work with them because I was a massive fucking massive fan of moon lighting I'm fucking all the of his entire career, but mostly his Bruno shit I was a fan of him as a bartender at the fucking at he never served He's no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no and like, Brucey's the best man. He's doing big things, kind of, cheer on for Brucey. Like, I just thought that was cool. Yeah. You know, like, the, the, I wonder if you could, if you could pick not the one you were in. Yeah. But if you had to go back to any portion of Hollywood,

like, like the beginning when they're making it, when all this doesn't exist and it's just downtown in the beach. So in the 20s, like, where Babylon're Babylon was set, I just watched that movie. It's I will watch it on silent on a plane and I still think I got it. Somebody tell Damien Chazelle that that'll make him so happy. He took a beating from like people on them, move it into well. And a lot of people were like, why the fuck did you do this? So I would imagine if he heard from the likes of you

that not only did you watch it with the sound down, but you feel like you got it. I love to be a huge triumph for the guy that made Whiplash. He could use a good fucking movie. So fucking amazing. Whiplash's a really good fucking movie. Um, if any era, what's so ever? You mean the movie about the Nazi who's a drummer? Yes.

Do you call it? Do you get a wire call on that? Yeah, because he was in fucking... Oh, that's awesome. That's it. That's brilliant, title. If I could go to any era and live in any era, it would probably be the 80s.

I mean, I was born in 1970, so I grew up on 70s movies, but 80s movies was like, that was my happy childhood. And that whole era, those were the people that were larger than life to me. There were a bunch of famous people like, fucking Carrie Grant, Humphrey Bogart and shit,

like from obviously from years back. But when I think of movie stars, I think of all the people that got big in the 80s. When movie stars were larger than fucking life in an opening restaurant and shit like that. Who do you think is like Top five movie stars of all time like in win history in in a hundred years. I was saying to someone I was saying that they'll never forget Brad Pitt and they go Brad Pitt. He's on the edge and I went

I don't think so on the edge of what like in a hundred years like when we look back on the years you go buster Keaton Yeah, by the way He, he got he fucking went out Check. That's right. Oh, that's fatty. Our buckle my bad Oh my god, man, I'm taking a buster down a peg somewhere in heaven or hell buster Keaton's like no, I didn't I was a comedic genius You know the chaplains of the world or there was only one chaplain Humphrey bonebarb been his twins though right there was a fucking trailer that he kept someplace else um Humphrey Bogart was fucking massive you're talking about a guy who was in you know fucking what uh

I can't believe I just blanked. Maltese Falcon, fucking Casablanca, fucking movies that nobody talks about anymore, but invented movies more. Yes. The guy from, frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn. Clark Gable, put that up on the board. Please take Gable. And that's before I was even fucking born. So, in that list. Think about this shit. Robert Redford, Paul Newman, they were fucking huge in the 70s, both of those guys. Oh my God. Massive.

I'm fucking, I'm wearing his watch. You wearing a Paul Newman watch? I think. Who's fucking? His own watch or a brand of watch? Hang on, who raised cars? Paul Newman. Paul Newman, wait, is it fucking Paul Newman?

Or, no, you're thinking of Steve McQueen, another fucking legend. Steve McQueen was a legend. Steve McQueen was a legend. Yeah. Steve McQueen was a legend. The fucking... You got to count the guy that you went to Gold's Gym with Arnold.

I said in the card of Leanne, I said, is he the biggest action star we've ever had? Got it, me. Yes, to be. I mean, I know a lot of people always want to put him in there with like, Sylvester Stallone, but like, and Sylvester Stallone certainly did action movies, but Arnold did exclusively action movies, with the exception of a comedy here or there. He was never like, I'mlvester Stallone certainly did action movies, but Arnold did exclusively action movies,

with the exception of a comedy here or there. He was never like, I wanna do a think piece. You know, I wanna do a piece that shows my vulnerable side. The dude was in movies. Do you know what he said to me today? Which I thought was groundbreaking, with a blue, blue mind, is I said, did you, when you did those movies, did they plan that,

because you were kinda like, he was like the predecessor of, say the line, and then that's the catchphrase for the movie. And he goes, no, they're all accidents. So what do you mean? And he goes, I tracks. He goes, I wanted to say I will be back. And James Cameron was like, no, it's I'll be back.

And he goes, yeah, but I would say I will be back. And he goes, Amen. I write the movies, you act on them. Just say I'll be back. He was like, I don't do contractions. Yeah. And he was like, okay. And then he goes, I'll be back. And so he goes, the movie comes out, and I'm walking in New York, so I'm like, Arnold, say the line. He goes, what line? He goes, the, I'll be back. And he goes, from what? And he's like, I'll be back. And he goes, oh, I'll

be back. And he goes, no, say I can't end the movie. He has no awareness. I'll be back. And they go, yeah! But like, I thought that was fucking crazy, that you wouldn't, that you wouldn't pick your catchphrase. And then your cash raise and then he goes And then he got to the point where he was like see was like and then we were like He's like and then it was like cash raise like I put the knife in the scout and then go stick around Yeah, oh that it became yeah, then it became a thing. Yeah, but do you think it's a really we got to give credit to Jim Cameron Because Arnold would have met like I will be back and nobody would have remembered that you know Do you know that Oliver Stone wrote Conan the Barbarian?

Yeah, God. Yeah, I know that Oh, it's not amazing. It's fucking Criminate Oliver Stone and what is best in life? Was it with the answer? You know no it is the positive to What is it? It's to To crush your enemies see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the women. That's that line from Conan. I just saw that, but I watched it on silent too.

I will. He's don't watch my movies on silent because you'll turn them off. They're all dialogue oriented. I watch him in silent out of respect for your character. Excellent pull. Class. Excellent pull. That's right there. What was I just going to say, fuck? No, I forgot. I'm so bad. I think I'm getting early on set.

I'll segue into something else just because I got to promote something. Did you, I heard you won out, you did a cruise. Oh, you and Jay are doing a cruise. We're doing Jay in some of the 2020s. Out of Miami. There you go. How many day, four days? Miami three days.

Miami two, Bahamas and then back and we're at like 70% sold right now and we have like 10 months to get there, but you did a cruise. No, no I haven't done it yet. You are you in the process? Yeah, we did it. We were doing it in October. So you've sold it It sold it sold out and it's you guys you got the boat. Got the whole boat. Are you nervous? No. You're just like, this is exciting. Oh, this is like a dream of mine. Yeah.

I love the idea of being trapped in one place with all these people. The only thing that I don't like is that, like you got 3,000 people on the boat, but there's no 3,000 seed theater. So basically, sometimes you're competing against yourself or people you've brought on the boat. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I'm so excited you have no idea. I did the impractical Joker's cruise. So I used to do my buddy cow head out of town. I know Quentin, man. Yeah. Who?

Cow head. Yeah. My cow tell you that he's out of town, but. Yeah. I was fucking loved. I'm not just saying that, but like one of my favorite fucking broadcasters. He's the best.

My call to him and his crew came to reboot, but he bowed out the last minute, but his guys were there. Yeah. But one day I went in and did a show and like fucking just hung out all the games. Absolutely. He really is. I've known him for 20 years. I met him. I met him at the improv of the weekend. He got married. Him and his wife like before they went on their honeymoon. He went to the improv. This is a small fun world. It's so weird. He's one of my best friends. He'll be at the premiere they went on their honeymoon to the improv. It's a small fun. And we're all the so weird. He's one of my best friends. He'll be at the premiere. He's coming out to the premiere.

Is he really? Yeah. Are you coming to the premiere? No. Until you invite me. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Put that on the board.

When is it? The 24th. 25th. 24th. 25th. I'll be here with the 25th. The 26th. I'm going to be back in Jersey doing.

We show jaws and then at my theater and then we show red state the movie I made on the 27th and the 28th I'm showing what I call Jersey girl the Snyder cut It's the longest cut of Jersey girl with all the Jennifer Lopez in it that we have to cut out Yeah, but I'll be here on the 25th. So I'll totally go where's the premiere? Did you know were you shocked when they got back together? Not at all really she I've never see I've never met two people more in love than those two. And the fact that they even fell apart over the course of 20 years, to me, was confounding. When they came back together, I was like, that makes absolute sense. And I went to, I was at the wedding.

And so afterwards, the next day, you know, they had like kind of the after reception and she'll like that. And, you know, at the wedding, I saw them from afar, but I wasn't like, ah, I'm sure like that. The next day, at first person I saw when we went to the like breakfast thing was Jennifer, and Jennifer grabbed me and she was just like, do you remember when we broke up and like, I came to your house and you were talking about Ben and you were like, you can totally count on this guy.

She's like, he is a white knight, man, he will be back for you. And she's going like, when we got back together, we started like referencing that. And I was like, you remembered some bullshit I said 20 years ago. And she was like, it meant the world to me. I always thought they would wind up back together.

Like, we made Jersey girl. You couldn't find two people more fucking in love. And so the fact that they got back together and like, it just makes absolute sense. This is a very romantic story, but like, they were kind of meant for each other. I wish she keeps them honest. I love, I, him and Matt I signed up for.

Meaning like, you know, there's certain people that I think as a kid or a young adult, you sign up for and you go, all right, that's my guy. He's my movie star, Tom Cruise, he's my's my guy. Yeah, he's my movie star Tom Cruise He's my movie star Brad Pitt. He's my movie star. I'm a legend Not legends fall river runs through it. I saw it on a date. I went that's my guy like I love that fly fishing movies But did it for a fucking movie? I love that he gambled and he dated a neighbor American and like he reminded me of my best friend Who was the little brother who was a little wild oddly enough my best friend my best friend who was the little brother, who was a little wild. Oddly enough, my best friend ended up killing himself.

So it was a very similar tragic, yeah, but just different. Just went to the beat and I was like, that's like, sign up for him. Matt and Ben. Yeah. I saw Matt, I saw Ben Affleck in a movie where he took to do a series called The TV Show. Yeah, I saw Ben Affleck in a movie where he took steroids to call the TV show, an afflux.

Yeah, I know. Best TV show where he's steroids. It was a TV movie, it was an after school special. And Matt Damon in Courage Under Fire, Jew gets bullied. School ties. Yeah, school ties. And so can I just be your translator?

Yeah. And so you should run a game show where you give out alternate titles and people are like, have to buzz in and be like, that's school ties. School ties. And when they, when they, when the whole story, the whole thing, I was living in a house next door to where they wrote that movie, I guess, up on Glenco. And that movie came out, I went, okay. I literally started talking about the haunting. Up on Glencoe. Yeah. And that movie came out and I went, okay.

I literally said- Are you talking about the haunting? The autistic guy who is a janitor, yeah. He wasn't, he wasn't autistic. He was just really smart. No way. I don't think that's, I don't think that's how you're smart as a pure autistic.

No, I'm regular as if anything. Oh yeah, okay. Do you know, I like help that movie get made, right? Yeah. My name's in the credits in Shirokdaq, because I brought that into Miramax. Yeah. Because they could not, they sold it to Castle Rock and then Castle Rock wanted them to use

one of the partners in Castle Rock. Andy Shimon, I think his name was as the director. And the boys like he had directed, I think, Little Big League or something like that. But the boys were like, and so they didn't get it made for a long time. And then finally, Castle Rock was like, look, we'll give you two months to try to take the satin cell because they sold it as a spec script. Now, like if you could set it up someplace, great, we could pay back, but if not, it comes back here and we're putting Leo and fucking Toby in it

because the boys had made part of their deal that they would be in the fucking wall. And so Ben Affleck, or Ben Affleck as we call him, we had done mall rats and shit like that. And he was like, hey man, I wrote this flick with Matt. I knew. He was just before after chasing Amy. Before chasing Amy.

So the weekend, when Ben came into addition from mall rats, I had read the Hollywood reporter or variety piece about them selling the scripts. So my first conversation with Ben was like, oh shit, what are you doing in here, man? You just sold the script for like 800,000 bucks. He's like, how the fuck did you know that?

I was like, well, it's in the trades. He's like, you read the trades? I was like, yeah, of course. I'm a guy you do. I mean, why would I not read the trades? But I blew him up because I was like, this fucking huge. Why are you auditioning for the likes of mall rats in shit? I fell in love with them on mall rats because he is such a fucking fun.

One of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. You and me, Tom Saguera, Joe Rogan, are lucky that Affleck never turned his eye to stand up, because we would all be fucking legit. One of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. I'm so glad to hear that. That's guys like one of my, he's one of my like heroes. Not hero, that's a wrong thing, but like,

one of my guys on the mountain where I go, I fucking love him, I root for him. When he falls off the wagon, I kind of wish I was there that first night, anytime he falls off the wagon. So you can have fun with him. Just the first night, and I wanna get to bed with that first night, we're like,

I forgot why I liked this, and you're like, yeah. You don't wanna be a part of this. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. There's a couple of people I like to fall off the wagon with, but. He is absolutely wonderful. One of my favorite people in the world, people I like to fall off the wagon with, but he is, he's absolutely wonderful. One of my favorite people in the world and I've made what? Nine movies with the guy or the course of the movie.

I think it's so fucking happy to hear that. There's a guy who, next, when you make the machine too, he plays your dad. I think I'm older than him. It doesn't matter. That's how good of an actor he is. Really? People will believe that he's your father in that movie. He's, I honestly, I think he's, you know,

at one point in his career, he went movie star, right? Where he was like doing movies and Matt was doing like the acting pick and stuff. He's so much careful. I mean, shit. At Ben. He's my Batman. Look, I love him as Batman, but Michael Keaton's my Batman.

My child is 70s and 80s. Michael Keaton was my Batman, but like the darkness of Batman. Yeah. Ben can, Ben's got that. And Ben also has one, I mean, which you gotta give, exact Snyder times a credit for. One of the best cinematic Batman sequences ever made is in Batman V Superman when he busts into the warehouse

and fucking takes out 20 people, like fucking shoots the thing into the crate and fucking smashes the dudes face with it. Knife's a dude in the fucking shoulder and doesn't say stick out around, you know, just call back. Yeah, those guys, those guys were like, you can't be that whole, you say, a lot of people like, you'd be like jealous of those dudes and be like, fuck those guys. Oh no, I see you signed on and so I, on. So I do something different in life than like,

because it's very easy to say, fuck that guy or fuck this guy. I try to celebrate the, I try to find, should I like? Right. And then I root for it. And then I get excited as it succeeds. I didn't do that until later in life, a fan explained it to me. And about he was like, you know, fan of yours. I don't know if you know what that means.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, you come to my shows. And he was like, no, no, no, no. He's like shirtless drunk. We're in West Palm at a meet and greet line after my show on New Year's Eve. And he's like, smaller dude. He's like, I work in construction. I'm not athletic.

I'm not into sports. I'm not gonna get married. I don't have a check. I get prostuits, like what is he probably gonna say that? But like, he's like, he's like, but that's why he draws, and he goes, he goes, I pick you. He's like, I'm a fan of yours.

And so when good shit happens to you, I get, I, I, it feels like good shit happens to me. He goes, I don't have a lot going on in life. But when you succeed, I feel like I succeed because I picked you. I haven't met that guy, but I've met that guy. Who say that thing to you where you're just like, you, you're, you're there avatar.

They're playing you in life. And like the compliment that I've always loved so much from the beginning of my career to even to now is when they go, you're doing it the way I would have done it if I was ever in your shoes. Keep doing that and shit. That's what people who are to borrow a very tight phrase, ride or die, they make you their guy. I, that means a lot.

That's the only way I still exist in this fucking business. Not because I've had enormous success, I never have. But I've had a very loyal audience that's been with me like, hey man, I went to see fucking clerks with a girl like when it came out and we've been married 30 years and we got four kids. You're the fucking reason.

Shit like that. It's like you become a part of their lives. And that company. I went opening weekend when you did the movie Ben and Matt have wings. Dogma dogma. But like that should be the title of your next book. Ben and Matt have wings. Yeah.

Why I love celebrities. But like I like his wings. But like, I, you, which can be a completely different movie. We're Ben and Matt go to a bar. You see it by the hot wings of talk. It's like my modern day, my dinner with Andre. Thank you. But like, yeah, I like liking shit. I like liking shit. Celebrate. I like, I like, I don't be the guy that's ever like, let me tell you what I hate because life's too fucking short and there's no shortage of motherfuckers out there,

especially online to tell you what they don't like. Be the one that champions things. Be the fan of things. I like to be, like right now I'm trying to get into a band. Like, is that it? I like, oh, like not into a band. Like, I want to be the lead. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, not into a band. Like, I want to be the lead. No, no, no, no, enjoy the... I was like, because I believe you will be able to do that, Burke.

You've accomplished so much that you can really just manifest yourself into, like, I don't you offer to be their guy that like in the mighty, mighty Boston just dances behind him? Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm with the soccer on my cock. Yes. I look good with the soccer on my cock.

You can pull it up. The, you can pull it up. Put it up. Put in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in, put it in I like it like you should there's a band called Goose. Have you heard of them? And they're playing after me the night on Red Rocks. So I go Red Rocks and then there I am with the sock on my cock. You know what hard it is? You know hard it is to keep a sock on your cock?

Rubber band or no? Topstick. Is that what it is? I had the topstick on my cock and balls. So just like one of those. Like what to pay tape? Is that what it is? Cause I know it from movies.

That's how they like somebody has a bunch of cleavage. That's how they keep the cleavage from popping out. It's top stick. Really? Yeah. There's a little movie inside for you. I don't put that in the work on fucking fat astronauts. Only thing I'm really regret about the machine.

I'm really happy with how it came out. I loved it. At the first, there's no nudity. Good. Fucked up. Good. You know, that's not fucked up. That's good because when you succeed,

nobody will ever be like, wow, you had nudity in the movie. Oh, you did it yourself. Yeah, you earned it without the nudity. Now, fat astronauts, nothing but nudity. Oh, it's gonna be a lot of nudity. A lot of nudity and top side. Certainly, I'm like riding kissing scenes. I'm ready to hook up with other checks.

Is that right? Do you see, he's figured out the secret, the back to a secret. I want a sex scene. I want a kissing scene. We're going full Buffalo 66, baby. I didn't think crazy. I remember that name of that movie. Yeah, that didn't get like the movie we're going. What is the dude's name? Hold on, hold on, so wait. I was thinking don't know and say it. So there's a song by a band called Wet Leg. Have you heard it? Okay, hold on, it's a great song.

It's called Wet Dream. Okay. And in it, she says, I was in your wet dream driving in my car. I don't know, I don't know. Come back to my room, I got Buffalo 66 on DVD. You said, baby, do you wanna come home with me? I got buffalo 66 on DVD. You said baby. Do you want to come home with me? I got buffalo I think my key me up. Count me. I'm sure they do so I said how weird

I said I saw that lyric. What is that guys name hold on hang on and I couldn't remember it now I was I could Google it right now, right? But I said hold on this is how I'm gonna find out If I am starting dementia I'm going to see if I can figure this out and I sat for a month Because I listen to song a lot and I go what is his fucking name? It seems like his first name would have Like five letters. I know it hang on I know it hang on it seems like his first day would have would have a I know it hang on it seems like his first day would have would have a Val a consonant of Val to consonants and a vowel too long then I'm on the and then I'm on the plane. Yeah to fly Australia

and My brain goes Vincent Gallo. I figured out his name on Vincent Gallo and I have so sure like I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna I'm gonna your brain is that good Vincent Gallo. He's an interesting. He say. I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on. Your brain is that good. Vincent Gallo. He's an interesting, he's a New York dude. Yeah. Like that look is a New York East Village dude.

Yeah. But the cautionary tale from, from Vince Gallo's story is don't get a real blowjob in a movie. Yeah, that was the creepy part is that he really made her suck his dick. We're not made her, but he was like, I think that it happened at all. And then you're like, oh, it's Chris, I think that's called more. Now there have been movies where people fucking have sex during the movie apparently. You mean off screen?

No, like in the movie. Like the rumor was Angel Heart, remember that movie? Fucking Lee Supone and Lee Supone. And the rumor was always that they actually had sex. I don't know how true that is, but like in Jersey, we heard that rumor. Remember when I got into the business, I still heard that rumor. I don't know how true that is, but like, in Jersey, we heard that rumor. Remember when I got into the business, I still heard that rumor.

I'll tell you a Hollywood moment. I was driving through Beverly Hills, and I see Mickey Rourke walking out of a liquor store with leather pants on, a see through, like a mesh tank top, and a case of Heineken putting into the back of a Cadillac DTS. That's a lot of detail, right? And I wonder if that is a... Are you a part of that?

That's a picture I saw as opposed to something. Because that's a lot of detail. Let's see if I can... I was supposed to see an actual memory. Yeah. You manufactured that memory. I might have seen it. It's a fucking thing.

It's a scene. Wait, see if you can find it. I'm gonna have fucking... Say it all. Say it all. I'm gonna have magazine. Wait, Sam, you can find that. I'm gonna say it all. I'm gonna say it all so I can do it. Mickey Rork, Heineken, Cadillac DTS, A Letter Panth, and Meshert. Mesh Tank Top. Are you a car guy?

Because knowing what car it was, is the detail beyond a bridge too far. Well, I'll tell you why. I know, I think I saw it. I think I actually saw it. So that happened. I think it happened. I wasn't fever dream.

It was real. When I met Leanna, I went to go buy a car. And I had the back in the day on Wilshire, there was a Chevy dealership and a Cadillac dealership across the street. And I looked, I was looking at, I wanted a Yukon Denali. And then, they walked me across the street to look at the escalator. And then in looking the escalator, one guy goes,

can I tell you what Adam Sandler drives? And I go, yeah. And he goes, he's on top in the DTS. And I hopped in a DTS. Okay. He goes, I just saw one to keep her Sutherland and Adam Sandler. And immediately, I'm like, I'm fucking buying this car. I'm fucking buying this car.

Which one was Adam or Kiefer that pushed you over there? Adam. It was Adam. Because I've always longed to be a grown man, like to sit in a sedan and be like a grown-up and listen to steely-dannered the dead and be like, yeah, man, maybe even smoke a cigar on my own car or a joint and just be that guy. You have achievable dreams, man.

I do, I'm a little smart. That's smart. A lot of people shoot the moon and you know, like I just want to be a guy in a sedan smoking a cigar, listen to Steely Dan. And so you can make that dream happen like now. I can do it tonight. Yes, I can work hard out there.

I bought a chai, but I bought a big, the big Mercedes and I got a chocolate interior because I'm a grown out there. I bought a child, but I bought a big, the big Mercedes, and I got a chocolate interior, because I'm a grown-up now. Like I'm a real grown-up. But I almost bought that car, my wife was with me, and the guy was like, I think I went this car. She was like, hey, you're not a grown-up yet.

Like get the cool truck, like get the truck. And so I went back and got the truck, but that DTS was like, it was a Hollywood second. When you guys, when, like 20 years ago, that DTS was like a cool, I've made it. It almost felt like the Cadillac gave everyone one of those. And it's like a two-door, four-door. It was a four-door sedan.

Type in Cadillac DTS 2000. I'm sown out of car, guy. I'm not a car guy either. God, you're just like fucking, like Rogan has a guy that pulls shit up all the time. Look at that car. It's a slick fucking car. That's the car?

Yeah, it was a slick fucking car. It's like a mom car. It's a mom car, but it was fast as fuck. And it was super, it was a real sedan. Wow. And they stopped making them, they started making smaller, body cars, but like Adam Sandler and Kiefer Sutherland had one.

And that was it for you, really? I just was like, that's credibility. How do you know credibility? Yeah. I've been an SUV guy for many years. When clerks got sold, it wasn't one of those like Sundance movies where they paid me $10 million. They, I made it for $27,575.

They paid me $227,000 for the movie. A hundred grand of it went to blowing it up 35 millimeter specs, because we shot on 16. And then the rest of it, I got to keep, however, the rest of it went to paying off the 27,575, but that also included interest on the credit cards, because it was all credit cards. All credit cards.

Then I paid the cast and people that worked on it, paid my mom and I worked for free. I didn't work for free. Payback Scott Moser's dad, he'd lent us money to make a print and he was real legit. He made a sonic contract with fucking interest and shit he wanted us to learn a thing. And then with the money I'd left over,

I bought my very first brand new car because I'd always had hand me down cars and beaters. I bought a Dodge Neon. Because it was like, don't fucking laugh. I'm no Adam Sandler or keeper suddenly. So I drove that proudly, proudly for about six months until one day Scott Mosher was like, you realize this car is made primarily

of plastic and rubber. And I was like, is that what most cars are made of? Because if we get an accident, we're dying. So, Moser bought a Ford Explorer. And when he got that, he was like, now if we get in an accident in this car, we're probably gonna walk away. Yeah. And that changed my thinking about it.

Suddenly I was like, don't buy the cheapest car, the one that's gonna embarrass you in public. Yeah. Buy the car, and that did not have chocolate interior. It had like cloth seats. What was the car across the street from your house? Well, I dropped for the last shit, 10 years. There was a Lincoln navigator.

No, no, no, back in the day, like probably 15 years, 20 years ago maybe, there was a car parked across the street with a cover over it. Right? I'm not covering my cars. It seems a little bougie to me. maybe there was a car parked across the street with a cover over it, right? Mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine. I've never covered my cars.

It seems a little bougie to me. No, I know it was like an old car. I thought it was an old car. I'm so not a car guy. So that was not me. But I do have vague memories of a car with a cover in our neighborhood, but that was definitely not me. Let's go back to my house that you're gonna buy,

because that would make my life so much easier. I'll fucking buy it in the heartbeat. I want that fucking house ever since I moved out. I've done and done. I fucking, oh my god. And if we got it, when we bought it from Aflac, it was like the party house. And like when we came into the house, it was the party house. It was the party house.

It was the party. 2001, July, he was that we were shooting Jay and Salam Bob strike back. And he was between the sum of all fears and some other fucking movie and he had like You're not gonna be able to Google it. It's not that you're not gonna. I'll tell you what it is Yeah, don't go Ben's current house because that's a fucking massive mansion The L.A. Pracer, but yeah, oh shit. There's my house right there. Yeah, it's got great fucking Oh shit, there's my house right there. It's got great fucking windows. It's a fucking badass fucking house.

It's really wonderful house. He, it was a party house for him. I didn't. You realized, you realized the fuck up we made? We should have made that our podcast studio. Do you know how fucking bad it is? It's never too late. If we, oh my God.

It's never too late. You know, so funny is my wife has a dream of becoming a real estate mogul. Oh shit. My wife grew up really poor. Like, in the houses where you, you, they drive the house to you and then you kinda add on as you make money.

Yeah. And so, I mean, she was like went to grade school barefoot. Like, she was like really poor. Was she flared in this one? No, no, no, no, Georgia. In the foot, here's the apple, apple, apple, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. And so-

That is barefoot country. It is. Like, they don't get mad if you call me red neck That's the compliment right comment hillbilly they go that's what I know hillbilly flip the table. Yeah, uh she but That she wants to be a mogul and I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna soft sell it by that I'm gonna be like you'll make my life so much easier look at look at that place look it out so fucking beautiful when we went into it Oh, that ain't part of it. Because I don't remember this at all,

that intersection right there. But that's definitely it. That's the sky view. It's got a pool on the roof. Yeah. It's so fucking badass. We went to visit that house. I would make a Jane's song about Shrekback Ben

and was like, come to my house. And so I went to this place, it looks like a fucking French hotel. And I was like, what part do you live in? He was like, this is all mine. I was like, get the fuck out of here. So he tours me and my wife throughout the house. He goes, yeah, but I gotta sell it.

And I said, why? He goes right on the street. He's going, so anytime somebody comes out of the house, pop a rotsie, take pictures. If I walk out, pop a rotsie, he's like, I need a yard. I need a driveway with gates and shit. And then he had to go take a phone call so he steps away and my wife is like, I want this house.

And I was like, well, then you married the wrong guy from fucking mall rats, because he seems to be doing very well at shit. But Aflex sold it to me for what he bought it for, even though he put a million bucks into it. Really? And for the first year, I lived there renting it for 5,000 a month,

and he's like, rent it until you can buy it, then when you can buy it, whatever you paid me in rent, will take off the top of the purchase price. I love these good stories about him. Is good, dude. I love these good stories about him. I wouldn't be tacky to good stories about him. I'm not happy to say how much that cost, how much the house cost me way back in the day.

No, it's not. So it was 2000 and 2000, we moved in, 2000, I was able to buy it. Take a guess. 2002 moved in, 2003. You, I would say you bought it for, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have to guess 3.5. I'm gonna say that it is less than half of that.

There's a $1.6 million home. Oh my God. But again, it was 2002. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. There was my fucking retirement, I mean, I'm never retired, but like when we sell that house,

hopefully we sell it for like what the current market was. I'm gonna be zillowing it this second. This is a dude. It's my favorite thing to do. It's a zillow. Oh, a zillow. And it's a very young thing to do, like my kid and her boyfriend.

My kid has her own house. But you're daughter got the cool name before it was cool. Before anybody knew what it was. Yeah. She was named Harley. Well, she still is. Harley Quinn. And people would be like, what do you ride? And I'm like, no, it's named after the Joker's girlfriend

and comics and animation. People would back away. But then, yeah, once that character broke, people were like, oh, shit. Are you pulling up in Zillow? She likes to Zillow. Her, like the kids today, they don't go to Pornhub, they fucking Zillow.

They just like, oh my God, look how much this house would cost if we bought it. Which to me is like shopping. Like I like buying, they just like, oh my God, look how much this house would cost if we bought it. Which to me is like shopping, I like buying, shopping is like we walk around and be like, that'd be nice, I go to the mall, I go to the food store, I buy, I don't shop. I was not good at buying, I didn't even, I don't think I saw this house

before she bought it. I don't think I, because the secondary podcasting house, Leanne just was like, I'm getting it. Smart. And she was like, she just knows the real estate market. And she follows it. And she, her and this, she's a woman they do this, they do, it's our real estate broker,

but they are a team, the two of them. I mean, the girls, I was on the road one time, the girls called me and they go, they were like, hey, we're at the beach, we want a beach house, can we buy one? And I was like, I was like, no, we cannot. And Leanne's like, we can afford house. Can we buy one? And I was like, no, we cannot. And Leanne's like, we can afford it. Can we get it?

And I was like, hold on, I have anything fucking seen it. And I'm like, do you trust us? We're happy. And I was like, oh fuck yeah, whatever. Did they buy the beach house? They ended up not buying that one, but buying a better one. And what is the beach in question?

Oxnard. That's a bad. I love Oxnard. I love Oxnard. But I, that fucking house is the, your house is the, is the one, I actually just took someone the other day. Your life will be complete if you buy that house.

I just took someone the other day and said, it's the house in the big green door. That's what we call it. Actually, to be fair, we've been in that house 22 years, Aflac lived in for six months and we still call it Ben's house. That's what a big figure here is. Do you think I'm gonna tell everyone about your house?

I bought Ben a flex house. There you go. Absolutely, you go back. I'm wondering who he bought him for. You never mentioned it. And people are like, do you just buy from a recently? I don't know who had it,

but somebody had it after him. You know who had it before Ben? Terrence Trent Darby. No. Yeah. Are you serious? Wishing well. So I bought that on cassette, record, and CD.

So I figured like, I owned a piece of that house before I ever walked into that. What's Terence Derby doing now? He changed his name. No. It's not Terence Trent Derby. That wasn't his real name. Transitioned?

I think no. I think he just went back to what his real name was. I think that was a stage name. Oh, oh, Terence Trent Derby. God, look at, this is something I know in fucking, I've been podcasting since 2000. Oh my God, oh my God, no wonder he changed his fucking name. His name is Sanananda Francisco Miatriaria.

But it says born Terrence Trent Howard. So obviously that what's his real name? Oh, why would he change it to something more difficult to spell? Why Terrence Trent Darby became, it was that or death, he says. So I guess he wanted to get away from Terrence. He's only 60 years old. Yeah.

He still young. He was, I believe, the first owner of my home. Type in net worth. I'm dying to see what he's worth. And that tacking, I remember I did that. I did that. No, but it's close. Is it really?

Well, sometimes. Type in your net worth and see how close it is I'll tell you what my I'll tell you what it is No Two million he's gonna have more than that. I feel like that's yeah, I did this with you do do birds net worth and let's see how close it gets I'll tell you I know my net worth. We just got it done the other day. Did you really how does that happen? How does one get your net worth done? Well, my business manager. Tom Segura. Yeah, my business manager.

I mean, here's how it goes. No, it's not even close. So what does this say? Eight billion. Higher or lower? Oh, yes, so lower. It's literally no one's higher. It's higher than would I figure up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, but they tell you, you own this house, you own this house, you own this house, you own this house, is what you own these houses. This is what you have in your retirement. This is what you have in savings. This is what, and they went through, and then in a pie chart,

they tell you where all your assets are, and then they tell you you're not worth in the center. And so when you say you own this house, and you own multiple homes, obviously, you know, we have, yeah, yeah. And Leanne's looking to buy another house. That's what you guys do with the money. The buy houses.

We don't invest in anything, we just buy houses smart. And so, I wasn't like that smart. I, you know, listen, I'm fucking, whatever you're doing right now is what I'm doing in 10 years, so I'm gonna just fucking follow. I'm gonna be selling my houses to a fucking to some guy who's like, I used to pass by your house when I was a guy who's got a late night talk show.

The things look changed. This. All right, what do we forget? What do we not talk about? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. The most important thing I wanted to talk to you about. Go. So you recently went in mental health, mental health facility.

I lost my mind. I had a complete break with reality. And I went to a place called Sierra Tucson in Arizona. Not far from, did you say you're going to Red Rocks? Yeah. Isn't that in Arizona? No, no, in Colorado. So there's a red rock in Arizona. I just, I keep, I've passed it lately a lot. So I was like, oh, maybe that's the Red Rocks that people play at, but that's in Colorado. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red Rocks is in Colorado. I'll be there in October. Guys, you take it to Berber Ber to come. Well done. I'm assuming it's already sold out, but just if it isn't there's still general mission tickets. So we're just smoking weed at the time. Uh, when I went in, yeah, but I didn't think that was my

problem. I don't think it was your problem either. I know you don't smoke weed anymore. Yeah, once I was in there for a month, like obviously you can't smoke weed in there. And when I was getting out, I was like, you know what? Like, I'm fine. Like I haven't done it for four weeks. Let me see how long I keep going. So right now, I think I'm at 16 weeks weed free. By the way, I'm not a big weed guy. I miss most weed. I know you are. But I went through and pulled out.

I had to go through the house and get all our weed. So I was like, I guess we're getting high today. And then, and then Christine was like, oh, he doesn't, he has smoked weed in 2023. And I went over real. I was like, okay, that's't, he has most weed in 2023 and I went over real. I was like, okay, that's cool. I guess I'll work out tonight. It's been, what an option.

It's been, yeah, 16 weeks weed free. Which is how many months, 16, four months? Technically, I feel like I have kids again. I do have kids. Do a math, it's all kids. When they got one downstairs, she was like, task. Yeah, when they go, he's 16 weeks and then that that's your, I used to have a joke about it. That's what your wife would say.

She's 16 weeks. And then that's all you knew. So people go, how old are your kids? You go 16 weeks and you use that. And then they're like, she's three years old. You're like, I'm 16 weeks. That's not three years. She wears a wristwatch.

So that was always my determination of how old a child is to do the wear a wristwatch. And that's when a 16, that's when a kid who's measured and weeks becomes a child He comes a human today I'm a man that's a kid's bar mitzvah when they wear a fucking. Yeah, so because I feel like from what I've heard I Feel like that mental break that you had yes is coming around the corner for me

You know, honestly, it's not the scariest thing in the world. If you're burning the candle at all ends, and then you're buying a candle factory and lighting that on fire too, and I suspect like me that you're just like, hey man, things are happening. I want to continue happening. That was life for me since the moment clerks happened.

And people go on vacations, and I don't do that kind of thing. I do that either. I just don't understand where it worked. I don't understand where it worked. I'm with you. It could, I'm not saying it will, but you may wind up at a place where you break

because people aren't made to work as often as we do. And it's not like the work that say, or I don't know what your parents did, but it's not like the same work that my my dad did. Where my dad hated fucking work. And he would do it and he would come home and then he would not think about work at all. He would leave it there. His job was just a thing to pay for what he loved most in life, which was his wife and children. Wife and child who I absolutely fucking adore, though, were secondary to work. Like I was like, you

don't understand. The chances that this shit was ever going to fucking happen for me out of a career are fucking one in a billion. So I ain't going to fuck that up and I'm going to keep fucking going. So I'm always saying everything I said out loud. People go, I remember Chris Hardwick, shout out Chris Hardwick, I hope this doesn't throw shade on him, but he goes, don't you think it's a little irresponsible for you to have children when you work as hard as you do? You shouldn't, shouldn't you be home raising your children? And I was like, I was like,

I don't, are you speaking a different language? What are you talking about? Like in my head, I was like, I don't, I don't know. Sounds a little, that sounds a little judgey. Yeah, I was like, I remember, you can find the quote at whatever he said. I remember going like, I remember saying,

and I've always said this, dudes go to Afghanistan for two years. Yeah with families. So like so like I justify me working hard is like every one works hard and and and I want to work as hard as I want to work and I don't understand people who take breaks off people go I need time off my assistant has not had a day off since he met me. My wife has to tell him you need to go home and he goes, but he works the way I work and it's just all day, every fucking day, from the second I wake up till the second I go to bed, but the thing that I heard that you were said,

is that you were having a hard time distinguishing who you were versus who you really are. At the same point, like I always kind of chalked it up to, there's me, the authentic me, and then there's the other guy, which is the one who goes up on stage. And while I was in there, I realized that I was being kind by saying there were two of us, that I've identified 10 different facets to my personality,

all of which are always trying to grab for the wheel at any given moment. The other guy was the one I eventually let take over. I went on the convenience tour from like September to December and I probably shouldn't have gone because there was something happening in my life that I probably should have stopped and taken care of my head and heart.

But instead, we had like a 95% sell-through and I was like, I can't fucking, we got tens of thousands of people waiting. I'm not going to disappoint. Plus, I wasn't the only one making money. There were other profit participants in the thing. So I was like, I don't go. Okay, yeah. Absolutely.

Fuck, I'm fucking, yeah. I make people money. When I go on tour, I make 18 people's mortgages. Yes, that's the thing. It's like, it's not just, I don't just support myself and my family, I fucking, I've been supporting a lot of people. Well, not even counting agents, managers, lawyers.

I'm not counting about those people. I'm talking about 18 people, are get on tour buses and get in, and get in, semi's, and those 18 people work for fucking four months and then get there not like it's and that happened to me when I did the pandemic tour. I did it toward on the pandemic and all anyone said to me

was like and it made my heart swell, but like you go to a place and do big fucking guys who move stages and lights are like, Bert, this is during the pandemic. Thanks for the work, man. And I, so I keep going. There was no fucking work to be had for those cats and the fact that you would go out there and do the work

means that you're putting food on the table, not just for you and yours, but for people who come up to you and say hi and thank you who you'll never fucking see again. Yeah. There's a lot of responsibility in being like the chief breadwinner and I don't just mean in a family. I mean like for this, the trickle down

for the amount of people that you take care of is a responsibility that you haven't even come to grips with yet. To stop means it stops for so many other people. And they don't like, it's not like a negative thing with like, that's my meal, chicken shit, but that's how they live is off of you. And you get to do the things that you love. It's not like a negative thing with a like, that's my meal-ticking shit, but that's how they live, is off of you.

And you get to do the things that you love. And I could tell that you do these things not be out of a sense of responsibility or not because you're like, I got all these mouths to feed. This would be shit you'd be doing for free if it wasn't your job. Or if you hold it for free.

I did the podcast for all for free. At one point, me and Tom's, even this one was for free. My cooking show was for free for a very long time. And my, and my, and I did stand up for free at one point me and Tom's even this one was for free. My cooking show is for free it up for a very long time. And my and my and my did stand up for free when I first started I would I even paid to get on stage in some places because that's the way it worked. So yeah I understand all of that and you have no idea how closely it hits. There's a scene in the movie where they asked me um they asked me to uh it's like aal scene in the movie. I hope everyone goes to the movie. I won't not gonna spoil it. May 25th. May 26th. Memorial Day weekend. It's in the movie theater. It's gonna be a machine-dot movie. When are you coming to Smokasl? Sentiments to show it.

Fucking that will happen. I'm gonna make that happen. This is the beauty of about having a team. In New Jersey. And now I can just go to Christine. Can you just set that up and then we'll do it? Done. Be lovely. When are you, Nick? you just set that up and then we'll do it? Done. We love it. Why don't you neck? Why don't you east again? Tomorrow.

To do what? To do a press. And then you have to do press and then go down. I do drink champs in Miami. I'm really excited for that. What is that? Drink champs. It's fucking hip hop podcast.

They only really talk to hip hop guys technically, but I'm a big fan and I'm a bigger drinker. Right. So like I'm like saving fan and I'm a bigger drinker. So I'm saving up to go for drink champs. It's a genius. But there's a scene in the movie where they asked me if I could, I mean, I can't even tell you about it because it's a very pivotal, what you went through is a very pivotal thing in our movie

because I am fucking, if you're asking me who I am, I do not know right now, because I know I'm the machine, I know I'm burnt, but it's so fucking, it's those, you know, when they go, and when you go to the vision guy, the's those, you know, when they, when they go, when you go to the doc, the, the vision guy, the, the, the, the, the, ophthalmologist, and he goes, he goes, better. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like we're stuck here. And I don't know what I'm seeing. I don't know who I am anymore. It's always important what I've learned is always important to hold on to the authentic self. Why don't you kind of let that slip in favor of one of your facets of your personality, the one that like fucking works, the one that you turn on.

Because I think like me, you are your job. But at a certain point, you, nobody can be that. At a certain point, that is something you turn on. And for me, it was like, I refer to them as the other guy and I always saw him as like a fucking mucket with rivets that opens up him as the other guy and I always saw him as like a fucking muppet with rivets that opens up and then I sit inside and I fucking control. And when I had my break back in January, it was basically I opened up the other guy looking for the authentic me inside and the authentic me wasn't there.

And I thought either he'd gotten so bored with how much I worked that he fucked off or worse that the other guy had just burned the authentic me for fuel to get as far as we got. So you have to be very fucking careful. I'm not telling you to pull back by stretch of the imagination, especially when you got a movie coming out and stuff. But there has to be, and I say this, it's so easy to say, but it's so very hard to do. Even since I got out of the place, I still continue to work. It's like there has to be a moment where you're not working.

And I don't mean like, oh, that's when I watch VEEP. I'm talking about taking time off. And I say that, and I still can't even fucking do it myself. I'd lately, I've been like burning at both ends again, but more like my mom's been in the hospital in Florida so there's been a lot of trips down there while you know um fucking I'm still trying to work while we're putting together the next movie while I'm working on my fucking marriage because like I went away for a fucking minute and shit like that while while

while you know it's just a lot of fucking plates just spend at the same time. And that's how I wound up in CR2's on now. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. They probably saved my life. Having a break with reality, probably saved my fucking life. If it didn't happen,

I would have eventually hit a wall. I do a lot of fucking driving up on my mom's home drive, one of my favorite places to go. But when you drive, you're dissociative as fuck, because you know how to get to a place you're not really using your brain anymore. So you're just on autopilot and shit.

Add to that, I smoked a fuck ton of weed, which is also very dissociative. So when I was in Sierra, as I was going in, people were like, make sure you talk about the driving. And I was like, what, that I'm a great driver? That I can get you to LAX and fucking 10 minutes from my house when really it's a 40 minute ride and shit and they were like no how nobody will drive with you anymore because it got to a place where and still pretty much lives in that place

where everyone in my life stopped driving with me because I drove like I didn't care whether I lived or died. Now in my head that's not suicidal like I'd never felt whether I lived or died. Now, in my head, that's not suicidal. Like, I'd never felt that I had suicidal intent by any stretch of the imagination, trigger warning, sorry, I'm saying it too late for those out there who suffer from that sort of thing. I just felt like, you know, I drive like it's a video game

and I don't even play video games. But what they told me in there was like, that's unconscious death wish behavior Kevin. I was like, how? Just because I like to fucking drive not fast, but not have anyone in front of me. Like, if you're doing 105 miles per hour to around blind curves and passing people on my haul and drive, yeah, that's that's that's unconscious death wish behavior. My kid, who's always been something of a canary in the coal mine for me, she was like the last one to step out of the car. And she was like, you're going to get me killed. And I was like, don't

worry, I never die in a car as if I know that sort of thing. And she was like, well, that doesn't account for me. Maybe you live through the fucking accident that you're going to put us into, but maybe I on the passenger side fucking don't. She's like, I love you, but I won't drive it through anymore. Wow. So it's, I can easily dissociate. And once I step in, okay, that's one of my facets of my personality, I call them road, kev. The moment I get in the car, like this guy that you're talking to, who, to be fair, I've tried to be entertaining, but I've also been giving

authentic kev this whole time. I haven't had to turn it on. That's generally saved for the stage and stuff. And by the way, it's not like I want to eradicate any of these. They're all essential, right? Like at the end of the day, they're all me, but like, can't get rid of the other guy. That's how I fucking earn. Can't get rid of road kev.

That's how I get places very fast. In fact, I got here in fucking seven minutes when the fucking thing said 18. So, you know, but that also means I've probably jeopardized a lot of lives on the way here. It's important to know all the facets of your personality and it's important that the authentic you is always at the wheel. When you want to surrender the wheel to one of those personalities that is far more effective at doing a thing than authentic you is, that's okay.

So long as you take the wheel back when you're done. For example, if you're gonna go up on stage and you wanna be the machine, you don't wanna fucking bird up there, you want the machine up there, that's where they're paying to see and stuff. But at the end of the night, it's important that the machine goes into the back seat and bird is at the wheel again.

Okay, what if? Okay. And mind you, I'm not the smartest guy in the room. This is just shit I've learned recently and I'm at the beginning of my journey. Like I'm at the starting line of my new me, not at the fucking, I'm not whizzin', I'm not at the end of it, I'm not like,

Mathu's along the mountain. I've just learned some shit in the course of the last few months that I'm still trying to put into practice. But since you asked, it feels like maybe it's something you might want to hear. The long short of it is when the movie comes out and does exactly what it's meant to do, which is going to be a lot of fucking business and shit, take a big chunk of time off.

I don't have that. I feel ya, because I'm the same fucking person, but you gotta, like otherwise you will wind up in that place And you'll wind up taking time off against your will like you'll have to take fucking time off make the choice I would embrace rehab. Yeah, I mean it's I said you know what I said I said to someone the other day They said what's your dream? I wouldn't even fucking I was just saying it like casually. I I wouldn't even fucking, I was just saying it like casually. I said, well, what I'd like is I would like to hold up hold on my responsibilities. I want to do all the press for this movie, fly out, do Rogan, fly back, do the premiere.

We're going to live stream into theaters on that, that Wednesday, we're going to live stream or Thursday. We're going to live stream into theaters. That's cool. So people can watch the live stream from the red carpet, and then I want to go up to the front of the theater before the movie starts. Thank everyone. I hope you enjoy it.

And just as the lights close, I want Leanda to put chloroform over my face. Yes. And I want to wake up in a facility five days later. Yes. And they will be put you in a coma. Yes. Your body's well rested now.

You're having drank in five days. You're body's well rested now you haven't drank in five days you Your sleeps doing good you lost some weight We gave you hair transplants and and I hope you're I hope you're ready. You got a really busy month Here's the thing you can make that dream come true just like the fucking I want to sit in a sedan and spoke to the garden Listen to steely Dan you have the ability to make that I feel like okay I'm gonna take because best thing about that going into that facility, aside from them helping me find my lost marbles and saving my life, was they take your phone

and your laptop away. I just, okay, I said, that's something you'll never surrender on your own. I sworded it out on the car today. I said, I may get rid of my phone. I may get rid of my phone because I think it's fucking me up. It's a wise choice.

It's, and Lee and I know that. I mean, you know, it's impossible to do, but like being forced, being, it's like, you can't stay here and have that. It's against hippo rules and stuff like that. I feel like a good thing. You ready for, you ready for my analogy of how I feel about me?

Yeah, yeah, okay. So let's say that Bert, okay. So let's say there's Bert in the machine. Right. So Bert is this lush, flora forest with all natural preserves, there's natural medicines inside there, and there's gold ore and like, there's like all these great forms of milk and honey. And the machine is this colonialist, like imperialist that comes in

and he takes the stuff out of there and then he goes, they're gonna love this on stage and then Berk goes, but is that a good idea? And he goes, don't fucking worry. Have I ever fucked you up and I go, no, no, no, no, no. And then the machine shares all those things. And by the way, it made great business.

But there's times where I definitely, so I definitely feel like if the machine stops taking, then the forest goes, but what are we just supposed to grow? And there's other bad stuff that happens in that forest. Like anxiety attacks and panic and knowing that one day it goes black and I'm gonna die. All that that happens in that forest. Like anxiety attacks and panic and knowing that one day it goes black and I'm going to die. All that shit happens in that forest. So I got into a situation now where the forest is saying the machine, can you keep going fast enough so we don't have to deal with the shit going on in the forest?

Right. Like, so I feel like I'm working as hard as I can because I really feel like when I slow down, it is like the, I can almost hear the monkey stop, you know, like, like, and then I hear him just go, I can hear him just go, and he's looking, he's like, oh, what are we gonna, what are we gonna do? We're gonna fucking sit like this for this Saturday? Are we gonna get high? Or what the fuck? What time is it? What can we, we have a cocktail? And then the machine's like machines like fucking open Instagram

live. I always have to be doing a thing. Yeah, I'm my Instagram stories. I've said this a million times. People go, you why do you broken always because why do you post so many Instagram stories? I swear to God when I turn it on, I have no anxiety. It's almost like I forget that anything's going on in my life or that something may be bothering me or something that is in my head, and I'll get on and I get into the machine, or whatever camera, I used to happen when I scooped,

I've, when I scooped, I would get severe panic attacks by doing it for travel channel. But if I saw camera there, then I could get rid of the panic attack by playing to the camera. Because I go, no one dies in front of the camera. Oh, things are good in some of my camera. That sounds an awful lot like, I don't die in a car. Yeah, yeah. It does sound like I don't die in a car.

I'm telling you this. It does sound like I don't die in a car. I'm going to tell you this because everyone is on their own journey, and you're going to get there, how you're going to get there. But when it's time, I'm gonna tell you this because everyone is on their own journey and you're gonna get there, how you're gonna get there. But when it's time, I have no stock in this place. It's not like I have stock in liquid death. Like some people at this fucking table, God, I wish it was that smart.

When it's time, go to Sierra Tucson. This place saved my fucking life. They're very good at what they do. My trainer. And I say when it's time because you're right, it is coming. It's gonna be your time. It's gonna be your time.

It's gonna be your time. I always say, as you can't give up your favorite hobby and your favorite hobby is you and your career. I, because you and your career are interchangeable at this point. There was a point where I never understood, but I was like criticism. That's just game recognizing game. There was a point where I wondered, I was like, what is wrong with Dave Chappelle? Why would he go to South Africa?

And then one day I went I get it. Oh, I totally get it. I get it so clearly that I wanted to know what flight did you take? Yeah, and think about this. He did step away. Yeah, he came back more powerful than ever before. It was like fucking Ben Canobas. Like if you strike me down, I should be more powerful than you could possibly imagine. When I was in CR2, Sanya, I had this kind of weird breakthrough moment where I was telling my trauma therapist, Kelly Parks, she was amazing.

She goes, she's talking about how I work somewhere. I would love to find out my trauma. Oh, you'll find out. You'll find out. I would love, I said I was the only reason I take eye at a watch, if I could really legit go, oh, by the way, this is the trauma you're fucking dealing with.

Yeah, because everyone's defined by their trauma. Yes, and it's not one. It's not like Batman where it's like my parents were killed in an alley. It's a series of them. Yeah, I mean, it's expand your entire fucking life. But I was talking about why I work so much. And you know, for years people have been like, you're a workaholic, but I was like,

to me, workaholism is, they don't like their jobs. I love my fucking job. That's why it's easy to do my job. But I said, look, I'm not like Quentin. Like Quentin could make a movie, take 10 years off, make a movie, and when he makes the movie, everyone's gonna come back regardless. I was like, I'm the other guy.

I have to stay relevant. I have to keep going or else the fuck fucking forget me. I'm not alley long. Kelly goes, how do you know that? And I was like, well, I, and then I realized that was just some shit I made up in my head. I have no idea. I've never even put that to the test

so I don't fucking know if I stepped away for fucking six months a year or whatever the fuck. That perhaps I'd come back and people be like, oh fuck, we missed you. Ali Wong pulled me aside at the comedy store when I, sorry, Ali, if I'm sharing secrets but, and she said, hey, you know, it doesn't go away. And I said, what? She goes like, the touring and the, and the calm, it doesn't go away. You need to take some time off.

And I went, hey, Ali, I'm not you. Like you are special. You're really I, Ali, I'm not you. Like you are special. You're really a brilliant comic. I'm Burt. Like I'm a fucking, I'm a lunchpale dude who fucking, I show up to work every single fucking day because that's what people do. Yeah.

And I'm gonna bust my ass, I'm gonna try to outwork everyone because I'm not as talented as you. I'm not as good as you. That's fucking exactly how I feel. I've thought those thoughts. Yeah, and I go, and there's a thing we'll never know unless we test it.

Yeah, and then, yeah, but then what if I'm sitting in a fucking building a fence two years from now, I'm going, god damn it, why the fuck did I lose into Kevin? I should have fucking, well is it a fence around one of your many fucking pieces of property? No fences, because if that's the case, do you ever have a job,

do you ever have a job that you would, when things would get overwhelming and you'd be sitting in some town car driving in some city and you'd be disconnected and you'd look and see someone doing something and go, man, how great would it be that guy? Just build an offense all day long. And I bet he doesn't take that to bed with him.

I bet he builds it and he goes home. And that's what he does. That's a cold beer and then he wakes up and he goes, oh, he's got to get there by eight to start building fences. I used to be judging about my dad because I'm like, I asked him at one point. I was like, right before clerks happened.

I was, you know, I'd made the movie but it hadn't been picked up or anything. Like I had the temerity to fucking go deep with the music. Tap, what did you dream about doing when you were a kid? He was like, what do you mean. I was like, tap, what did you dream about doing when you were a kid? Here's like, what do you mean? I was like, you know, I dream about being a movie maker.

What did you dream about doing before you gave up? And he was like, I didn't give up. My dreams came true. I was like, well, what were your dreams? He goes, I wanted to get married and have children. And I was like, oh, so your shit happened at age 27? He goes, exactly. And so I was like, I respect that.

But at the same time, I was like, anybody can fucking do that. Anybody can get married and have a child. I so I was like, I respect that, but at the same time, I was like, anybody can fucking do that. Anybody can get married and have a child. This is a dream. I can dream. Yeah, I was just being exactly. So I kind of judged my old man for not being ambitious. And he hated his fucking job, but it was a job.

It began and it fucking ended and stuff. And now years later, I realized he was the smartest man I ever met. He treated work like work. Like he was able to be like, it starts here, and then when it's done, I go fucking to my real life. But I always kind of like made myself feel like, well, all your dreams come true,

and that is your real life. You're living the fucking dream, your dad would never understand that. My dad understood far more than I ever gave him credit for. If I could ever pull something off like Scott Mosher, he's gone, the guy that produced all my movies and stuff. He passed? He passed, no, he passed to a better world

where he does not fucking beholden to Kevin Smith anymore. He's fucking, he realized like, I need my own life. And he's a guy that got there before I got there. He became mindful and was like, fuck work, I life. And he's a guy that got there before I got there. He became mindful and was like, fuck work. I'm gonna be me and shit like that. But Scott, he's so Buddhist, it's crazy. For example, he just sold this fucking script to Warner Brothers that they turned into this movie

that's gonna have Angelina Jolie and Holly Berry, and it's called Mod vs. Mod. That's like a fucking eight-figure deal or something like that. Holy shit. And I was like, oh my God, dude, how does it feel to have that crazy success? And Mosier said, you know, there's a Buddhist saying,

before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. And I'm like, all right, I get it, I get it. He's fucking so centered and shit. But he gave me this exercise a couple of weeks ago where he goes, if you could do anything you wanted today, anything in the world that's not Kevin Smith oriented, that's not your job that doesn't involve fans,

what would it be? And I was like, all right, and it took me two days to fucking think of anything. What I finally came up with was, I would hang out with my dad. He's been dead for the same nearly 20 years. So I didn't know if that one counted because it's like he didn't say like dream up a fantasy.

It's like something you could fucking do. I was gonna say jerk off in the ocean, but. Why the ocean? I don't know, I was at the ocean today and I just, I jerked off in the ocean one time and it was really cool. What about jerking off in one of your many fucking pools at all your states that you had?

I've been jerked off in a while. It's been a long time. I'm a fantastic host around. Wait, yeah, you have too much or too little to say. I was, jerked off in a while. It's been a long time. A month has passed around. Wait, yeah, you have too much or too little to say. I was tied too little so I upped it. It's a long story. Anyway, go back to it. And that has prevented you from jerking off.

No, I haven't needed to. We know it's a long story. And I think my daughter's listening. So I'm just gonna at least use the answer listening. And I've already talked about faking a flight flight. It's gotta be, it's refreshing to find that you have lines anywhere. Well, that's, well, that, that's interesting.

You say that because the machine borrowed from Bert at the beginning of this podcast when we were talking about flex lights. And he was like, oh, come on, it's a fun secret. It's a good story. And then when you started saying this, I went, I went, you know, because one of the big things I did

were the mission, it's crazy. It's interesting that you talk about this because it is a very pivotal thing in my movie, the machine coming out Memorial Day weekend, go to the machine.com. The bridge. The, what's interesting is I unwittingly or unwittingly leveraged all my family's anonymity

by doing stand up. Like I didn't realize how precious anonymity was. Explain. And so Ila, Ila, my wife and my daughter, Georgia have been in all my standup act. So people know them very intimately. And so Ila went, they go thrish shopping, heard her friend the other day at like some swap meet.

And these dudes come up and they're like, fuck, your Ila, we love you dad, dude, so cool. And you forget how awesome it is to be anonymous at 16. As opposed to your dad made you famous at 16. Talked to my kid too. I'm wondering if that was part of the story. Ila and Harley could probably give Ila some advice. Hi.

I made my family here. My kid goes, you know, just recently, I was like, oh, I wanna do this movie. And I want Austin to be in it. No, that's her boyfriend. And I say he could play a young me because it's like a based on me when I was a kid and stuff. And I was like, and you could be in it too. And you know, 48 hours before she got back to me.

And then she got back to me. She goes, you know what dad, I'm going to do it. She's going to be honest with you though, the thought of being in another thing of yours. Like, I just felt like I shouldn't do it. She's gone, but then I realized like, one day you're gonna die and I'll be sad that I didn't work with you as much as I could have in stuff.

But she was like, it's just like you, I understand now. She's like, Austin, help me understand that you saying, oh come do this thing, that is your love language. She's like, you do it with everybody that you care about. She's like, you don't hang out with your friends. You make a thing and bring all your friends into it. You make them famous fucking to work. So you can't just sit in a room with people and be like, hey, let's just hang out and talk and then they go home. Like, you're like, well,

that's wasted content. But when you podcast that is bang, bang, that has exactly been my thought process why would we have a conversation without a microphone in it because it's a waste of time waste of breath but she's like I get it that's your love language and when you say let's do a thing that is like you saying you love some but Tom Tom and I haven't spoken

without money involved in fucking that's two years that's that's that's two years. That's Scott Moe. I don't know how to talk on the phone. Scott Moe, you're saying fucking thing. At a certain point, Scott kind of stepped away and we're relearning how to be friends. Like, because my first instinct is like, well shit, like come over and we'll record it

and he's like, let's just, let's just have a conversation. Let's just talk. That means me so uncomfortable. Let's just get Mike's on and get some cameras on and fucking. Monetize that shit, maybe. And I'm like, on and get some cameras on and fucking monetize that shit. Maybe. Because I'm like, everything we say, I'm trying to monetize my sleep. That'd be smart.

Yeah. I'm going to do a dream podcast where we coach people's dreams in like we put them to sleep like the call map. And then once we get them in, we then take you on adventure dreams because you're listening to it. So like we are planning words in your head like like then we're all gonna fight a drag. Yeah, I love that. And then we're like, you were a bit first.

Take a sip of Coca-Cola. This week's podcast is brought to you by Coca-Cola. Ha ha ha ha. Next tomorrow morning, they wake up and they're like, I wouldn't mind a Coca-Cola. I would say, do you? You want to go? Suddenly I have to go very thirsty.

Yeah, I had to drive. It happened to me with Pop Tarts. I was listening to something on YouTube and it transitioned into the history of Pop Tarts. It was, it was, it was, it might have been a podcast on history channel. Right. And they told me the history of pop tarts. And I was sleeping. I was sleeping. And you woke up. And I woke up and I went, I want to fucking pop tarts. And I'm like, I need to fucking pop tarts. I kept saying craving pop tarts.

And I forget where we were. I forget where the fuck we were. It was the day I took a day off and I went into a hotel room. Well, I took a day off. I was losing my voice and they got me a hotel room instead of staying on the tour bus. And I stayed on the tour, I stayed in thing. I thought, I'm fucking craving a pop tart.

And then I got, and then I went on Amazon and I bought every flavor of pop tart that they had and had them shipped to our house. And then that night I get my bunk and I'm every flavor of pop tart that they had and had them shipped to our house. And then that night I got my bunk and I'm like, time listen to a podcast. I go, ooh, how did I get on the history podcast? The history, the foods that made America. And I was like, oh, click, click.

And then it goes, did you know that country squares were originally what pop tart, and I went, mother fucker. They had sat in my head. They got in my fucking head. To be fair, a pop tart tastes like a happy childhood. So like you would not be wrong to want a pop tart regardless. I introduced my daughter, I love the pop tarts.

And literally minutes before you came, she's like, yo, what flavor should I have? She's got all the pop tarts we have. Like, I'm fucking, I'm heavy into pop tarts right now. Pop tarts. Pop tarts were stolen from, they were stolen because the company that came up with Pop Tarts, the guys that did country squares,

were so proud of their invention that they put a news breakout like, come in this fall, country squares. And then the Bisco's like, fuck that, we can do that. Let's make them. And so they made them. And they released their pastries. You know what they got the name Pop Tart?

No. One of the big things at the time was Andy Warhol's pop art and they just added a tee pop tart and they sold Off all the shelves the first week they came out and they had to restock and pop tart was worried that what what if country squares shows up now They've already got it. We've we've introduced them to them country squares shows up. We're gonna lose our fucking thing But pop tart They've already got it, we've introduced them to them. Country Square shows up, we're gonna lose our fucking thing, but PopTart doubled their, like, it invested like something like 13 million in the production. I don't know why this is the information I retain. I, here's the thing that I walk away from this with.

I had no idea country squares existed. Yeah, where are they now? They changed the name, tried to be country squares. Did they have any market share in the Toaster pastry? I remember seeing them on the, when I was a kid, they were like the knock off pop tart. That was gonna say, it sounds like the food town

or a shop-right brand of pop tart. Like, you know, the no name brand, like country square. I saw two Russian people, newly to this country, I'm assuming, because they were disgusting cereals. There were so many cereals, and they were talking in Russian. I don't understand. That's just great about America. You walk into a fucking cereal island.

Any other country, you've got corn flakes, rice, crispy, maybe two other choices in America. Post made a country square, correct? And then Kellogg made his pop tarts. There we go. Country squares are here. There they are. A black and white ad and that's it.

Yeah. Forgotten in history. I know. I heard the Russian couple was in front of the serial line. And I think it's smut to deep is, whatever it is, it's the word for look. And he kept saying to her, look, look, look. Like, there's so much, like he's like,

I can understand catch words. And they were trying to figure out what to do. And I was watching where they're pointing. And then he was pointing to the bottom, like, don't just get those. And then she was like, no, but there's like so many serials. And I was like, and I so badly wish my Russian was better because I would have jumped in and go, guys,

I know your language. And trust me when I say, I'm the serial guy. Let me take you to a guy and I'd explain all the serials to them. That was the only thing at the time I really saw my Russian was better. I have been a huge serial fan my whole life. A perfect food stuff. But once I went, I'm not trying to be trendy, but I've been vegan since my heart attack. So for five years I've been a vegan.

It limits, like even my pop tart didn't take it limits, because that shit they put on top is not vegan. Oreos. Oreos. Oreos are perfectly vegan. But you can get the pop tart without a nice thing, without frosting. Like any of the fruit pop tart and they're totally vegan. Yeah. How I tried to in vegan for like, it was like 45 minutes. And I'm not being serious. Like I said, I made a bet. I'm going to go vegan. And everyone we're in an airport. And I was like, I was like, I'm going to go vegan. Fuck it. I'm going to go vegan. go vegan. I know that'll be hard healthy.

I'm going vegan, I'm going vegan. So I get on the plane and it's 45 minutes right before boarding. I kill my drinks, we get on the plane. I'm in first class and we take off and they say, it's kind of get you something for lunch. I said, what do you guys have? What do you guys have? She said the two things and I went,

oh, you know what, can I just get the pasta with nothing on it? She goes, yeah. So I was like, really? She goes, yeah and I went, Lools. You know what, can I just get the pasta with nothing on it? She goes, yeah. So I was like, really? She goes, yeah, I mean, I can do, yeah, we can do that. I'll just put this side on the sauce. I have no sauce, just the pasta, a little butter.

She goes, great. So I start eating the pasta in the butter. I don't know what vegan is. And the guy goes, you, uh, was, uh, you wish the wrong way to get like that and I go vegan. And he goes, I really. I said, yeah, and he goes,

you know, there's, butters not vegan, neither is pasta. I said, what he goes, there's a second pasta. Pasta can be vegan. And I was like, fuck. I was like, I didn't, I was tried really hard. And then that night, and then I kept, I ate, and then I was fucking put the stuff on the pasta.

I was like, fuck that. I'm going to enjoy it if I'm not vegan. Do you know what the fix is for that? What? Just don't eat stuff on the pasta. I was like, fuck that. I'm gonna enjoy it if I'm not gonna be in it. Do you know what the fix is for that? What? Just don't eat food on a plane. Pendulate taught me that. Pendulate was like, you know,

Pendulate's thing was he started with a potato diet. And so he always carried around a baked potato, but he's like, you know, how long's a fucking flight? Five hours, he's going, just don't eat anything they offered. It's so hard. We think that because we're not really hungry. We're not hungry, but we just want to kill some time on the flight. That's why I drink find a different way to there you go. Drinking's vegan. Oh, yeah, I drink. Trust me. I do both. I fucking fight the the I can the what was the what was the

I went vegan for a second though when I got home right and I was because was like, I'm gonna do it. So I made vegan meatloaf. Right, loved it. Do you like hamburgers? I do, but I'm concerned about like, if they are, cause my cousin's vegan. Yeah. You wanna hear a funny story about another vegan? Don't go home, be honest.

You're vegan. You wanna hear a funny story about a vegan? Yes. Yeah. He's a really funny story about a vegan guy. So over on Riverside, there's a bar called Pat's Riverside and the little canyon. And next door to it is a place called,

what's the name of that place? AJ's text max tacos. Okay. They're fucking awesome. And Halston is vegan and he goes, and so we go, and I don't know what you can get Halston. He goes, you know what? I'm just gonna get the Treeso Taco.

And we're like, really? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really good. Now what, really, I go, Halston, aren't you vegan? He goes, Treeso's vegan, and I went, no. And he goes, it is, and we're like, no. And he goes, yeah, it is. And someone goes, I think you're thinking of soy reason. And Halston's like, Treeso isn't vegan. No, that's not fair. Oh, or, is think you're thinking of Soy Rizzo. And Halson's like, Teresa was in vegan.

That's the worst. You can fucking eat. It's asked me. It's the lips and ass. A fucking means. And still very much. But to look on Halson's face, he's like, and someone's like, you're thinking of Soy Rizzo

and Halson's like, fuck, I am thinking of Soy Rizzo. I never heard of Teresa only Soy Rizzo. I'm so sorry, Halson. But you know what? the intent was there. Yeah. You know, it's not like, you slipped, but it's not because you were like, fuck veganism.

You thought you were eating something that was vegan. I did Coke one time on accident, and I didn't do Coke anymore. My we were at those little bullets where you'd, you'd put the Coke in here, and then you'd turn the thing, and then you'd load it, and then you'd turn it and then you load it and then you turn it back over and Then there was a little loaded thing of Coke and you hit and my buddies could not figure out how to do it We're in New York. I am now not that I've heard a coke problem

But like I definitely was like I don't want to do Coke anymore. I don't enjoy it. It's not fun for me I've never done coke. Oh, it's so fucking great. Everyone says that Ralph Garmin was always like you don't know what you're missing Yo Everyone says that Ralph Garmin was always like, you don't know what you're missing. Yo. I can't believe we hit a subject over what your speech was, you know. I mean, it's like, I don't know how, I can't find the words to express it. I turned it down five times in Australia. You was just in Australia.

Just in Australia, I turned out five times. So wait, where did you do, did you do the Sydney Opera House, when you were in Australia? No, no, no, I did the arena there. Yeah, I know. I can I tell you I'm kind of bummed that I skipped over the Sydney Opera House, when you were in the industry? No, no, no, I did the arena there. Yeah, I know. I can't tell you I'm kind of bummed that I skipped over the Sydney Opera House.

I mean, don't be. You're doing it. I know, but it's so beautiful. And it's so epic, but the place I did was, I will say is way better. It was so much fun. It was fucking awesome. And it seems like you went to all the places

that we've ever gone to when we were there. Adelaide, Brisbane, Perlman, Melbourne, the, and he went, it seems like he went to all the places that we've ever gone to when we were there. Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, Melbourne, Sydney, we would did New Zealand, we did, Wellington and New Zealand, we're there. And so we were doing, I turned on Coke five times, but we were doing these bullet, they would head his bullet. I go, just show them, let me show you how to do it. So I go, guys, you gotta load it, but you gotta really pop it. So it's locked in there. And now hold on upside down.

Now turn and spin it. Now it should be hidden. And when you hit it, you gotta hit it like hard like, and I did it and I went, oh my God, I just did cocaine. And everyone's like, were you not trying to? And I go, no, I was trying to show you how to do it. And I had to go on stage that night. I fucking murdered.

I was so good. I was so good. I was so on it. I remember guessing what, guessing people's names and getting them right. Like I was fucking on it. But yeah, I don't really fucking party like that. I've gotten the CT scans, so I have no blockage. You make sure they are.

Zero blockage, my dad had 99% blockage in his widow maker That was me I had a hundred percent in my widow maker. Can how cool is it how cool is it that you're still here? Yeah, they say it's like they told me it was like a in 80% of the cases Where the patient has a heart attack like you're having a widow maker the patient always dies Yeah, but the doctor is like you're gonna be in the 20% some good at my job And he disappeared into my crotch and made magic. That the doctor was like, you're gonna be in the 20% because I'm good at my job and he disappeared into my crotch and made magic. That's how they get to.

You'll see it in the room. Yeah, yeah. My dad had, my dad, this is 99% blockage. Pussy. Yeah, that's, they don't fuck around with that wouldn't work here. And everyone told me for like the next, you know, it's this five years ago I had it.

For the first two years, everyone I met was like, you have no idea how fucking lucky you are to live. Any doctor I met was just like, you shouldn't even be here. Someone said to me, I told my dad's story and he goes, you know what, enough.

I hear enough of those stories of guys going, I had 99% blockage in the window maker and I'm still here. And I, he goes, everyone says that. And I go, yeah, there's a lot of people that are dead that don't say it don't say it at all. They don't bring to do say it Live to know like oh my god, it's amazing. I can't believe it But there's 80% of the people who have suffered that hard to I couldn't don't get to make those those bragging calls if anyone's listening right now There's one thing I can tell you that if you go to a cardiologist today

You you can avoid or correctively fix these problems and not have a heart attack. And it's so fucking important. I've been going to a cardiologist since I was like 42, I think. Every... Preventative. You haven't had a heart. Never had a heart activity.

But my father has had hardcore heart stuff. My dad, both my grandfather's died of strokes. So I go and I'm on statins, I'm on blood pressure medicine, I'm on blood sugars. So you're on all the shit I am, and I had a heart attack. I'm on 20 milligrams of a torver statin. I'm on amalena peens,

but my language, man, I can't blood thinner. For lenta or your on brillenta? No, no, no, I just take a baby aspirin. Yeah, you can do that. Yeah, yeah. And so, like St. Joseph's, this beautiful,

chewable baby aspirin. No, yeah, but then it'll taste good. I like them. They take their mommy of like St Joseph's aspirin. Oh, the way no, I don't take those. I take the bear. Oh, the St Joseph. I remember those. They chose awesome. Yeah. The I remember going into get my first CT scan, like my chest scan. Yeah. And I said, I was not in a good mood. I did not want to go to the doctor. And this older black lady said to me, I need you to fill this out. I was like, oh, she goes, what's the matter?

And I said, I don't want to be here. She goes, let me tell you something, honey. The fact that you walked through those doors means they won't roll you through those doors. And if they roll you through those doors, you really don't want to be here. And I was like, fuck. And my dad said, my dad said,

because he got his fixed, he got his randomly, he went in and they said, you're fine. And he said, you know what, I just wanna do like, let me do a CT scan. I just, to be extra certain and say they did it. And then they said, hey, you have 99% blockage and you're gonna make you need to come in immediately. And we're gonna do a stint immediately.

That was 14 years ago. Wow. And my dad and I, it dawned on the, I don't know why we got into it, but my dad said to me, can you believe what I wouldn't have seen in those 14 years? He was, I would have never seen you succeed. I would have never seen, how old is your daughter 16? He would have met your a la when she was adopted. That's why I know my dad saw my kid up until the time she was two and out how he went. And what happens everyone thinks they're not going to die. I'm not going to die in a car. I'm not going to die in front of a camera. Yeah. I'm not dying.

Well, Halson, what did you say today the other day? I'm not going to die from Terezo. Yeah. Thank you. But the truth is you think of how much time, like you've gotten five years that you'll know. I always said after the heart attack, I was like, I know I'm living on borrowed time and my wife was like, that's fucking macabre.

I was like, no, it's fucking true. Yeah, I was supposed to die in that room. And thanks to Dr. Layton, I'm I didn't. So everything at this point is like fucking bonus. Dude, well, I've been in my fucking heart broke and then five years later my mind broke. So I'm like, what happens? In five more years, my dick break, my ass break,

something's gonna break. I'm on track pretty good, my heart's good, my mind's, I'm like probably two years off my mental breakdown. You got some time. I guess some time. I've got a lot done before that happens, but also it's so wise that you're on fucking heart shit now. I'm hyper.

I'm hyper aware. I'm very corrective. My wife's always said that, like I'm very sensitive to like, oh, something's going on with me. I need to, like I just, I'm in therapy and like I can, I can, I go, I need to fix certain things or like, or like I'll take time off from drinking. You know, I need to break, like I'm,

I gotta, like my biggest thing is my weight right now. I just need to lose fucking weight. I was like, I'm gonna fucking fuck it. You got a bockist thing going on. What's bockist? You know, bockist, the guy I'm fucking like, you know, parties and fucking drinking and eating and shit like that. It is, you know, and you're making it work.

That's a cool thing. Yeah, thank you. I'm glad you got your heart fixed and your head fixed because I'm so privileged to be able to talk to you. Vice versa. Thank you so much. Believe me, I'm leaving here today your heart fixed and your head fixed because I'm so privileged to be able to talk to you. Vice versa. Thank you so much. Believe me, I'm leaving here today, walking on air, good ass fucking time.

However, we started at what time? I have no idea. So I remember. Are you fucking serious? I remember when I came in, they're like, you were gonna do two podcasts, but Bert doesn't have the time. He can only do one, and maybe you'll do another one another day. And I was like, that's totally cool.

We could have done three podcasts. We could have done three. Oh, you have to come back with ASAP to do the next podcast. I can talk to you forever. It's vice versa. You're fucking amazing. I'm such a fan. I'm such a fan for so long.

I'm so eager for the machine opening, May 26, tickets at what? The machine.com. The machine.movie. Machine.com. Machine.com. I'm so eager to see what happens. I predict and I don't think like I have to be 26 tickets at what the machine dot com machine dot movie machine premium um i'm so eager to see what happens i i predict and i i don't think like i have to be uh

prognosticated break this i predict it's gonna do insanely well i from your mouth to god's ears no no i i you could feel it it's in the air oh please please and there's a lot of people like rootin for you i hope so yeah i hope so yeah no it's gonna fucking punch through dude. I absolutely love you I'll see you at the premiere done and done and then and then and then we're coming out. We'll do a Smokas you heard here. Smokas will send him a yeah go get tickets to smokas and miss that come that with show We'll sell out so fucking fuck yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. How often you go to suburban New Jersey? Where are your Jersey venues when you go to Jersey?

Newark. Newark Count Basie. Is that in Jersey? Count Basie is literally red bank. That's that's the way. Red bank, top secret sessions. You play count Basie. Yeah.

Yeah. Count Basie is where we started the convenience tour. How do you show that night? Smart Castle Cinema is like 10 minutes from the Count Bas Yeah, yeah. Atlantic Island in Jersey. I'm coming out to New Yorker bunch. So at once I've come to New Yorker,

so I'm just gonna have to be like, open a week of the movie and shit. You showing up with the movie, you can come six months later, it's still fucking sad. I wish we could do a screening before the movie came out. Fuck, I guess that's not how movies work, huh? That will put you in a, yeah.

I'm sure it's so, and he might have something to say about that. I didn't know you couldn't share trailers before the trailer people saw them. Yes. I got in trouble for that. You put that up, you're like, look at this. Look at the movie. The movie was sitting on a shelf and I was like,

it took, and I was like, it took a movie. And we got a teaser and I was like, this is a fucking good teaser, I go fuck it. I go, let me just put Aaron on Rogan. How mad were they? Pretty lipid. I don't know. If I'm them and you aired it on Rogan,

I'd be like, I mean, fuck. What happened is, what happened? I aired it on Rogan. I texted, I texted one dude first. I was like, do I, hypothetically speaking, if I aired this on Rogan, will I get sued for $30 million?

And he was like, hypothetically, I didn't get this fucking text. Ha ha ha. And, and, and, and, and, and. And then I cleared it by enough people, like soft cleared it where I go, I don't think I'll get in trouble. And I didn't get in trouble immediately, but I definitely got a talking to,

it's amazing how many people. And the talking to is, stop on the wrist. Don't come on. You know I love the machine, don't do that. And then I did this thing. And they probably chastised the machine and not birds, so you got away from Scott for it. Did the machine's fucking, don't come on. You're not allowed to shine. Don't do that. And then I did this thing. And they probably chastised the machine and not birds,

so you got away from Scott Frey. Did the machines fucking... That's what you brought me. I mean, like, fucking machine did that. And the bird was the one, the bird woke up the next day, and he was like, what the fuck did we do? Fucking hell. And she's like, shut the fuck up, I got this.

The machine's like, shut the fuck up, we had a party on Rogan. You were fucking blacked out, Trunk. If I'm in the head of a studio, even if I was like, man, I had fucking plans for that trailer, and you're like, we debuted on Rogan, I'd be like, my plans are stupid. You've debuted at least in a venue where like, it was gonna be seen by the audience that is gonna support it.

Yeah, it was not a dumb move. That was a smart move. Yeah, very true. I did it again at the Tampa arena. That's fine. Yeah, they were cool with that. In a live space, it's not like on the internet. Yeah, they were cool with that. And then, but there have been's not like on the internet. Yeah, they were cool with that.

And then, and there've been a couple times where they've been like, Hey, just, you know, you know, we do make big movies and like, you're not really good at this. Like, you've never made a movie. Like, I actually had that conversation. I had, I literally had that conversation. You've never done this. And this is what we do for a living.

So like, just giving your heads up. The thing you just want to do, we have 40 people to do that. So let's let them do that. And I was like, but what if I, what if I, from a guy who's been in the business 30 years, in the movie business 30 years, God, God know with how I think you did the exact right thing. I hope so.

I hope everyone goes out to the movie. When the movie opens to $152 million. Has predicted $2 million. It's going to, it's the light. It's going to, out to the movie. When the movie opens to $152 million. $152 million. It's going to, it's the, it's the, anything shy as a failure. Anything shy. I'll say that.

Okay, but above $152 million, it's a home run. Oh my God. Above $152 million, they let you run the business, dude. Oh, can you imagine what would happen to my career if I may, if it opened to $152 million? I mean, what, what, what, what, what do you want me to tell me? You tell me what would happen to my career if I if my wife buys five more houses that week. What would what would be the call I get Monday? Like tell me who I who would call me first.

Bob Iger the head of Disney is just like please run our company. Guys do me a favor go see my movie make it open to $152. To see you get that call trust me. I will make Hollywood fun again We'll be doing coke on the Lakers court. It'll be fucking a blast make Hollywood fun again. There's your pleasure platform make Hollywood fun again Red hats make Hollywood Fuck you're the best Kevin. Thank you for doing this. I'm gonna say you're the the best. No, no. Thank you, dude. Thank you for having fun. Fuck you. Bird time, time and bird.

One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, screw bears one cave. No scripts of bed of booze, amateur, photography, dirty jokes, Rancho Himmer, no apologies.

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