2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Mark Normand Is A Gay Dad | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

SPONSORS: - Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/BEARS ! #trueclassicpod - Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Get started at https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off plus FREE shipping on your first box. This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura is joined by the hilariously unfiltered Mark Normand! The episode kicks off with farts and sharts as Mark shares the horrifying tale of sharting on a date right after letting one rip at the top of the show. The Bears talk about parenthood, including Mark's brand-new baby, Tom's kids telling gay jokes, the absolute chaos of tiny humans mimicking adult behavior, and the innocence of youth. They next dive into Tom Cruise’s intensity, his popcorn-eating habits, and whether the man who saved cinema is also just a little…off. Then they go deep on comedy life: struggling in New York, open mics, internet haters, and the brutal truth that even legends get roasted. Mark also shares more about life as a Brooklyn dad, falling asleep to podcasts, his time as a janitor, and a wild Copenhagen strip club story courtesy of Bert Kreischer. The conversation also hits on Tim Dillon's CNN moment, Sam Morril, Joe List, Vyvanse brain boosts, and weird dudes trying to get into business with Tom’s old corn star neighbor. Buckle up, queef it up, and enjoy! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 292 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:35 - Sharts & Babies 00:05:08 - Tom Cruise 00:13:42 - Dad Stuff 00:20:12 - COMEDY! 00:27:22 - Hate From The Internet 00:33:42 - New York Comedy Scene 00:38:46 - Gay For Bert 00:44:41 - Conquering New York 00:51:03 - Right Man For The Job 01:00:10 - Texas 01:03:34 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Well, uh bird is having 16 feet of intestines removed this week we wish him well in his recovery and Sitting in for him. He's he's gay. He's Muslim. He's hilarious. Give it up for Mark Norman everybody There you go Thanks for coming in good to be here. Good to be you go. Thanks for coming in. Good to be here, good to be back, Tom. Thanks for having me. Absolutely.

Oh, nice fart, man. I was sitting on that one for a minute. Have you ever had farts go wrong? Yes, what are you kidding? I'm American, I'm human. Definitely had some splatter in my day. We've all had a shart. Oh yeah, yeah.

Trying to think of a good one. One time I sharted on a date and I I could feel we were gonna hook up and I had to just Get out of there like get the panties off. Yeah my panties off and Before we yeah, you know, how'd you how did you did you did? Did you leave the date or did you just go go like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom? I just did the bathroom thing. And cleaned up. Yeah, because if you're getting head or something,

you're just assuming she can smell this shit. Oh yeah. You know, right when those pants come off, the air opens up. Oh, and was it bad, was it pretty bad? It was pretty bad, yeah. And I'm not a charter, I got a tight b-hole, quite the balloon knot, but every now and then,

I feel like once a year you get stung. Yeah, I think with every year that goes by, they're more likely to happen, you know? You think so? Well, I'm saying as you get, I can only imagine in our 70s we're going to be sharding pretty often. Yeah, that's true. I remember the, I mean, the last one was in a bathroom at a urinal. And I just went to, I was like, oh, I got a little fart,

whatever, and just fucking disaster came out. At least you were in the bathroom already. That's the best place it can happen. Yeah. Yeah, I've had them at home, like those are like, they're horrible, but you're like, at least I'm home. Yeah. But like, yeah, out in public, on a date feels like a really...

Were you at her place? No, we were like at a bar. I sharted. But I could tell it was going well. And I was like, oh, nothing kills that confidence. Like a shart, too. A shart really wakes you up. Yeah, so it was bad, but yeah, rarely do it. Not... I got a baby now and he's sharting like a motherfucker.

That's what they do, man. They just fucking shit and piss for years But the beauty of a baby is when it sharts in the diaper you're like, hey, it's a good day good day Yeah, usually it's fucking Katrina and Flint water. Oh, yeah, it's fucking and then you get sprayed and everywhere Yes, you ever have to think where you change the diaper and you're like, alright That was a giant load of dung and waste and then you put a new diaper on they shit in that one Of course like within how old your baby now is 38. He's now No, he's four and a half months. Oh, you have a little baby Oh, he's a big sack of jizz and it's finally getting good. Like he's laughing. He's smiling. Yeah

He's you know racist. Yeah, so he's fun now. Yeah, that's the best dude Yeah, sleeping through the night and everything once that half for months. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's awesome, man Yeah, we hit him with a dream feed. You know about the dream feed dream feed Oh, that's what you call where you feed him at like midnight, and they don't even wake up They just drink and then there's yeah, like, what? Yeah, like Bert. Yeah. And then I just go up to Bert, give him some vodka. That's exactly what he wants.

Yeah. But yeah, so he sleeps through the night now and it's huge. Save the marriage. Oh, it's a game changer. Sleep is what ruins the relationship. Yes. What do you got? Six kids now?

I have two and they're there's six and nine and Yeah, man, so the other one that like some couples it's so crazy to me I Mean your your kids are gonna jump in bed with you at that but some of them just go like yeah our baby sleeps with us Indefinitely and you're like that's a good way to ruin the relationship too. I know. Isn't it weird that anyone could have a kid? Like we have a fucking toothpaste behind glass at a CVS,

but anybody could have a child. Yeah. You know, like the flat earther, could have a kid. Anyone, yeah. It's totally legal. Isn't it crazy when you get to, like you have kids, and then you look at your parents and you're like,

you're just like a guy. I know. That was walking around walking around I know and you met this lady and you banged her and that's why I'm here Yeah, you're not special right? Just a regular guy. I feel the same way with like a priest you see a priest Yeah, I go the priest but then you're like this is just a guy with a boner and a mustache and a van, you know But he's a priest now. Yeah. But we have to go, oh, the pastor, like the pope. The pope is a guy from Chicago. But we're like, oh, look at the pope.

And I'm like, he's just a guy who hates gays. The pope goes to White Sox games. Yes, exactly, exactly. He probably said the N-word after he lost a bet. You know? He's just a guy who's eating, you know, what do you call it, a deep dish. Yeah, so it is, everybody is just a guy who's eating, you know, what do you call it? A deep dish. Yeah, so it is not everybody is just a guy.

Just a guy. Tom fucking Cruz, by the way, I feel like we are taking people like Tom Cruz for granted and he is a gift to entertainment. Like, yes, he is a one of one. to entertainment. Like he is a one of one. I was just thinking about how like that guy's entire life has been basically dedicated for the most part to just entertaining us.

Right. And he's willing to die. Yeah. To give us like, hey, that was a good movie. He's willing to die. Yeah, movies are literally over. And he's like, ah, I'll save him. I'll fly off this cliff in a motorcycle. It's willing to die. Yeah movies are literally over and he's like I'll save him. I'll fly off this cliff in a motorcycle. It's insane. At 68. What is he?

He's 62 now. Oh my god he still looks great. He looks great. And he's doing all the stunts and we're on Mission Impossible 40. It's so it's it's did you see the latest one? No I haven't seen it yet. I went because I wanted to see it before it was out of IMAX and you know cuz it's only gonna Usually only an IMAX for a couple weeks. Mm-hmm, and I went first. It's long as shit. It's a three hour Possibly doing with that. I think they were just trying to put a Button on the franchise for him. Okay, so cuz they were like it's the final Reckoning or whatever and yeah last one and they do a lot of like

You know they honor kind of the earlier one. There's like a lot of flashback stuff and tying things together I think it was a story was a little convoluted. Yeah, but Him putting on it like a show for us. Yeah, just like watching this shit go down. You're like this dude Really just wants to give us for us. Yeah. Just like watching this shit go down. You're like this dude really just wants to give us incredible entertain. Like there's nobody like him. No. Nobody. Like there's actors who are obviously great actors and they're like yeah I'll do this movie. Sure. And I'll say my lines and stand on my marks. Yeah. This guy's like climbing on a plane. It's not CGI. I know. He's on a plane hanging off of the wing with a wire right and that and then they're like

Yeah, just keep doing that and the fucking planes going all over he's dangling from the plane see that's the movie I want to see I want to see the stunts. You know going wrong or him dangling. I don't want to see the movie I want to see him fucking up and be like oh shit. That was crazy. I almost died Well, it's like you realize that those, like his movies, especially like Mission Impossible, they're just stunt showcases. Exactly. They know they shoot, what I've heard

is that they shoot them first. Whoa. So that he goes like, you know what we haven't done? Me hanging off of like a single engine plane. Right. And then they're like, cool. And they shoot it, and then they're like, all right, now let's figure out a story

of how I ended up on that, that wow so they reverse engineer it yeah Yeah, yeah, Jackass on another level. It's like I'm gonna run into a bowl cage. I'm gonna fly off a plane. Yeah, wow We should just put them in like crazier situations like let's put them in Gaza. Oh, yeah, that's right This is like a few see what happens episodes ago. This is like oh Wow this is what I want to see this is entertainment Wow, that's bananas. Now, it just raises the question, what's going on in Scientology that makes you have to do that? I don't know.

This dude is, he's so wired differently. He is. Cause you, you get everybody who I've, I know a few people that have worked with him and have met him and they're like it is It is intense because when he meets you he's they're like he is all in on you. He's you get all his attention Yeah, you feel like You're the most important person and he's really engaged And he's also you know, this is like somebody I think no negativity is allowed in his really whoa

And he just you know, this is him what, eating popcorn? Yeah. Yeah. Fascinating guy. Fascinating guy. You heard that Jimmy Kimmel story where Jimmy Kimmel finally started getting up in the ranks in Hollywood and he had a big Super Bowl party and he invited Tom Cruise and he's like, oh my God, this's gonna be great.

Tom Cruise shows up with cupcakes and his mom. And he's just a bunch of degenerates like Adam Carolla, Bill Simmons and all these dudes and they're all drinking beer and farting and they're like, oh hey, Tom's mom, you know, this is weird, but that's who he is. I think he's like a kind of, like kind of a dork. I think so.

Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. Well, like I don't mean it in a bad way. I just mean like he's so type A and like so structured, probably like wake up, it's the train, egg whites, meeting. You know what I mean? Like goes through his shit. Yeah. And then he's obviously, like just every year he's like, no, I'll do another fucking insane action stunt movie and I'm 62 years old.

Wow. Yeah. You'd love to talk to the Nicole Kidmans and the Katie Holmes. Yeah. Get some scoop on the sexual side. Yeah, what do you think? I think he's, well, if he does anything like the movies He's got to go all in. Yeah, probably, you know really

Lasting a long time and a lot of breath work. Yeah Yeah, a lot of wacky positions. I'm sure he's got a swing right? It's not just like hey blow me. No god No, he's got to go all in his mom's there. There's cupcakes No, God, no, he's got to go all in. His mom's there, there's cupcakes. There's cupcakes. At True Classic, the mission goes beyond fit and fabric. It's about helping guys show up with confidence and purpose. Their gear fits right, feels amazing, and is priced so guys everywhere can step into

confidence without stepping out of their budget. What really sets them apart, it's not just the fit or the fabric, it's the intention behind everything they do. True Classic was built to make an impact, whether it's helping men show up better in their daily lives, giving back to underserved communities, or making people laugh with ads that don't take themselves too seriously,

they lead with purpose. I've been wearing True Classic for a while now, and you can feel the difference. The moment you throw one on, tailored where you want it on tailored where you want it relaxed where you need it. No bunching, no stiff fabric, no BS, just a clean effortless fit that actually works for real life. Forget overpriced designer brands, ditch the disposable fast fashion. True Classic is built for comfort, built to last, and built to

give back. You can grab them at Target, Costco, or head to trueclassic.com slash bears and get hooked up today. Did you know that nearly half the people age 55 to 65 have nothing set aside for retirement? Listen, it is not too late for them or you. If you're one of those people, you can make a change right now. You can make things easier on yourself if you start planning for your golden years today, right now. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns.

Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start investing for your retirement, because the sooner you start, the more of a chance you have to let your money grow. You do not need to be an expert. Acorns recommends a diversified IRA portfolio that can help you weather all the markets ups and downs. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you start with the money you've got right now. You'd be surprised at what just $5 a day could do. Plus, sign up for Acorns Gold and you get a 3% IRA match on new contributions in your first year. That's extra money for your retirement on Acorns. I'm telling you right now.

I mean, you know me. I had zero retirement plan whatsoever. I was like, you know, if I don't, this comedy thing doesn't work out. I'm not going to know what I do. And I was talking to Halston about it. Halston used Acorns. I've had Halston with me forever. Everyone in our office uses Acorns, it's so simple. And saving made simple, makes saving simple. Sign up now and join the over one million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $2.2 billion for their retirement with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash pairs

or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement, compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 3 compensation provided. Investing involves risk. Acorns advisor LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com slash bears. Warm weather hits and suddenly I'm juggling vacations, visitors, and zero routine. Hydro helps me stay grounded with quick, efficient workouts I can do at home no matter what my schedule looks like. Getting a good sweat used to mean hours at the gym. Now with hydro, I get a full body workout in just 20 minutes.

It works about 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, core, all of it. Hydro is low impact, so it's easy on your joints, but still mixes strength and cardio perfectly. Plus, the workouts feature Olympian instructors filmed in beautiful spots around the world, so I never get bored. If you're on the fence, Hydro offers free shipping, a 30-day risk-free trial, and a full-year warranty.

These are awesome workouts. Again, beautifully shot. You never feel the same. It's never the same boring thing. Skip the gym, not the workout. Stay on track with Hydro. For a limited time, go to hydro.com and use the code BEARS to save up to $475

off your Hydro Pro Rower during Hydro's Memorial Day Sale. That's H-Y-D-R-O-W.com. Code BEARS to save up to $475. Hydro.com slash bears. So wait, are you loving being a dad? Is this like a fun? I'm loving it now. Now the first two months are pretty brutal.

It's just keep this thing alive. You're on no sleep. You're not getting laid. So now it's great. Yeah, it's a fun. Are you gonna do more, you think? I think I'm gonna do one more. So now it's great. Yeah, it's a fun, are you gonna do more you think? I think I'm gonna do one more. Yeah, two is great. Yeah, I'd like to have one that's not downs.

So that would be helpful. But yeah, two is fun and you got the good ages. You're right in that gooey, fun kid phase. They are very fun. This age is very, they both have, you don't know when it's gonna happen. I think it starts to happen at four where the you see a real individual personality start to pop where you go like Oh, this is this who this person is yeah, and then obviously with every year it kind of comes out more

So these two guys are like very distinct personalities Yeah, and they're very fun, and they you know they just they're kids. They just want to have fun all day I mean they're a good time man. you know, they just, they're kids. They just want to have fun all day. I mean, they're, they're a good time. Man, I can't wait. It's very cool. Is it, uh, cause a lot of, are you one of these dads? A lot of, a lot of dads I know have kids your kids age and they're like, I'm sending them to summer camp, get the hell out of my house.

No, no. I think I'd want to hang out with them. No, it's funny. This is, I think this is going to go quick. Like the nine year old, he still, I describe it as like, has an innocence to them, right? And you start to calculate in your head that the innocence will disappear in a number of years.

Like in other words, where they'll just become more either cynical or jaded by, you know, just like how life evolves. But at this age, they're still totally innocent and fun, and it's fun to be around them. So what are you doing? You shielding the porn and shielding the Twitter and all that?

You know, it's funny, they definitely don't have access to that, but they'll still come home and say wild shit. Really? Yeah, because it's because of other kids in school. But that's not new. No. We were doing that. We were doing the same thing. The latest one, which made me laugh so hard,

is they go, what can I say except that I'm gay? I was like, have you been hanging out with Mark? I think that's a new Carmichael special. They say all kinds of crazy shit, slang, things where you're like, oh, you know, yeah, you think Elon Musk has, and like, how do you even know who that is? And they're like, everyone knows him. And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess. It seems inevitable now because like we had, oh, look at this porno mag or whatever. Now it's like, look at two girls, one cup. I mean you can just pull out an iPad and show people like a guy's head getting cut off.

It's crazy, we had to pass around a tape or something. Thank God they still have like zero interest right now. Yeah. So I like to go like, do you have a girlfriend? And they're like, fuck you. They get mad at the suggestion of a girl. Right, right. It's like an angry gay guy. Yeah. They get mad at the suggestion of a girl. Right, it's like an angry gay guy.

Yeah, but it's adorable, man. I want to be with them, especially in the summer, because we work all the time. We're always gone, so it's like I can take some time off in the summer and actually do stuff with them. It's going to be fun. My parents work from home, so they were like, get out of here. Oh, right. They had a law firm in the house. In the house?

Yeah, yeah. Cause they were too cheap, I think, to rent a building or whatever. So they're like, well just do it in the big house. Is your boy their first grandchild or no? No, my brother has two kids. And he's like a real person. He has a job and a wife and two kids. Yeah, and I tell dick jokes

Right, right, but there are they thrilled. They've got to be thrilled to have another grandkid. Oh, yeah, they're loving it They're loving it and it's I got it in that the buzzer they're getting old. Yeah. Yeah No, they yeah, you give them a little taste of that and they love it on the way out. Yeah, it's weird this is not I don't get too queefy on ya, but I see the little boy and then I see my dad and I see mannerisms that I do that they both do. So now I got two generations that I'm like, what's the word? I'm like replicating.

Yeah. I see my dad do a thing with his hand, I'm like, oh, should I do that? And I see the boy do a thing with his tongue and I'm like, I do that. Same thing. Yeah, I see my dad do a thing with his hand. I'm like, oh shit I do that and I see the boy do a thing with his Song and I'm like I do that same thing. Yeah, I see it too. It's very strange Yeah, and one is like for me one is So much more like me. Oh really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's two boys two boys. Yeah Yeah, one of them is like, I mean he looks like me

He does like so many of the kids so funny like he's a kid And he's like I sleep in boxers And he's like since he's four he takes his shirt off and he gets in his little shorts And he gets and he does shit like that like puts it oh yeah All the stuff that I did yeah, and do and my dad did say the kid also sleeps with an eye mask Which I'm like fuck whoa he's like I can't have any light, which is exactly how I am. Wow. Yeah, same thing.

He's a little diva. And little, and all the, like you said, little gestures. Yeah. And then when he like snaps at something, like he's like, oh, for fuck's sake. Like Christina will look at me and she'll be like, that's you. Whoa.

So do you like him more or like him less because he's like you? I guess I. I don't want my kid to be like me at all. No, I mean It's it entertains you in a way and then what you see sometimes I think that is like the real mind fuck is They're displaying one of your behaviors that is not Flattering. Oh, right, and then I go. Oh, that's what I and that's not great. He's jerking off at a playground God damn it. I got a rain that in yeah, but you know I heard Bill Burr say years ago He was like I wish I did this ten years earlier

Yeah, I'm having kids and that that like really got my head because you know we like we're comics We like to prolong everything we got the Peter Pan thing yeah Because we're comics, we like to prolong everything. We got the Peter Pan thing. Yeah, but I get that because sometimes you go, if I had done it with some of our friends have kids right out of college or whatever. Yeah, that's brutal. Yeah, and I'm like, well, right now, yeah, the kid would be in his 20s. I'm like, yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything that I did.

Exactly, exactly. Now I'll be kind of an older dad, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, that's a little scary, but. But not that old. Not that old, and I think people are living longer. Yeah. You know, Tom Cruise is still hanging on a plane.

Yeah, he's fucking 62, come on. Yeah. We're fine. We're fine. I've always wanted to ask you this, who do you like more, Joe, List, or Sam Rowe? I I get this a lot actually. Do you really? I get this all the time I'll do like a Q&A after a show and that question comes up all the time Well, there you know Sam's Jewish so that takes him down a peg for sure, but Joe's got herpes

No, I don't know. They're both great in different ways Sam is like I started writing jokes with him right when I started comedy We did open mics together, and would you guys actually write together? Oh? Yeah, all the time. We had writing sessions No shit couple of nerds. Yeah, and then like like try one. Hey, what do you think of this all the time all the time? We If you watch my specials some of them like that's a Sam line That's the same line he gave me and then if you watch his I'm like I gave him that line I gave him that line so wow there's a lot of joke love a lot of comedy love and coming up together is always fun. Yeah

But then and we drink we he's like my drinking guy. Well, yeah Joe got sober Oh, right, but then me and Joe have this weird gay connection with this crazy rapport and so I don't know it's uh It's tough. I it's hard to say yeah. No I get it. I mean it's cool that you get to do podcasts with both because you get Tuesdays Tuesdays with story yeah the stories and then you get we might be drunk exactly Appropriate titles for both and you know we get so busy. You know you got kids you got the career You got a TV show you're all over the place. So now to hang out with your friends,

you almost have to monetize it. I know. You have to make it like a podcast just to get some hang time. That's 100%. And something you would never predict, right? Yeah. Because every time I'm, like if I'm at home and someone's like,

hey, let's just hang out. I'm like, I can't hang out, dude. I can't hang out.. I can't hang out. I just got home. Yeah, exactly. I can't hang out. My wife's like, you never come home, and I'm like, we should do a pod.

That's what you do. That's what I did. That's smart, you get to see your wife. Actually, no joke, that is sometimes like the most time we'll spend together in a week. That's what I'm saying. Cause like you land, right, and you're like, alright we gotta go do it.

Yeah. We actually hang out for a couple hours here, and then you leave and you're like all right. We got to go do it Yeah, we actually hang out for a couple hours here, and you leave and you're like we got 20 things to do It's sad, but true. Yeah, but it but at least you can monetize this now You can pay to hang out with your wife So it should be Damn it goddamn lady Did you see Tim's CNN interview? Oh? Shit, I loved it.

It was great. Jerking off to that thing. It was amazing. Um, that lady, it, she seemed very nice, but the, how clueless she is, is so funny to me. And that that's who represents one of the biggest news networks in this, you know, in this situation, this is the representative of one of the largest news networks in this, you know, in this situation. I know. This is the representative of one of the largest news organizations in the world. Yeah.

And is like, not up, which kind of speaks, I think, to like the state of journalism. 100%. Because you'll see a lot of times people, if you pay attention to ask questions now, and you're like, do you have any idea what you're actually even asking about? Oh Dude, and I said all I mean you ever watch those made on the street videos where a guy will go to a university And be like what do you think of a Hamas and they're like oh they that's a cool group Yeah, you know I love their podcast or whatever you're like wow you're out to lunch Yeah, but yeah the CNN interview was like a great comedy moment for all of us

I feel like that was a win for us. I thought so too. He was really good in it, dude I would have been like are you fucking nuts you crazy broad? What are you? No, but he was like he's he's a sassy fat gay and he kept it. He kept it He kept it down. I was impressed. He was getting classy. Yeah, he was really like articulate and and his Yeah, he was really articulate and his stream of consciousness was very clear, not disrupted. He just kind of rolled with it so well. He rolled with it and he always had an answer. Sometimes you're like, ah, well hold on, that's not true, wait a minute. He was like, what about this comedian? He had a list of everything. He was on it. Yeah, he was really good for it.

I mean, it's funny because he can be so ridiculous on this show, but he really is a super smart guy. Oh, very smart guy. He's got great takes. He's thinking about everything all the time. He's an ex-Cokehead. So now without the Coke, this is his drug, it's the culture. I laugh so hard when I think about it. I think he used to sell mortgages. Yeah!

And I'm like, you had to have been an animal. Oh my god. I can only imagine the false confidence I would have if he told me like, you should get this loan. I'd be like, really? And he'd go on one of his little rants and I'd be like, I think I should too. Yeah. The amount of old people he screwed over is fucking terrifying. People probably every once in a while go on YouTube and be like, that's the guy

that bankrupted me. Like that's why I left my house and my kids didn't go to college. It's cause of that guy. Exactly. He ruined more lives than COVID in a nursing home. But yeah, yeah, it's, he's a a he's a brilliant dude and a funny comedian. And it's funny how many people don't get him. Like sometimes you'll watch his podcast or like, that's hilarious.

And they're like, this guy's crazy. He's wearing a Muslim outfit and shouting to Allah. You're like, he's joking. Yeah, it's a joke. Yes, it's summer is here. More sun, more light, more time to do all the things that make summer so special. And the number one thing you don't want to be doing all summer, spending hours cooking inside. That's where Factor comes in.

Factor's chef crafted, dietitian approved meals are ready in just two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. Perfect for any active lifestyle over summer and beyond. With 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals. Choose from options like Calorie Smart, Protein Plus, Keto, and more. Those are the only ones I really pay attention to. Protein Plus, Keto, and more. Those are the only ones I really pay attention to. Protein Plus and Keto.

Factor powers your day. Sun up to sundown, a nutritious breakfast, on the go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts. Factor has your whole day covered. Enjoy more this summer. Get Factor if you want all the flavor and none of the fuss and it is

exactly that I don't even have vegetables in my fridge I have factor meals on both those things there's like six factor meals each and I open it up grab one you know the coolest thing to do is take a factor meal and like razzle dazzle it special it up you know go like you know what I'm gonna take two factor meals make them together put them all one plate and just mash them up I'm telling you these meals are awesome and they are done in two minutes get started today At factor meals comm slash bears 50 off and use code bears 50 off to get 50% off plus plus Free shipping on your first box. That's code bears 50 off at factor meals comm

Slash bears 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping factor meals.com slash bears 50 off this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by shine downs dance kid dance tour featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade shine downs dance kid dance tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet featuring Second Chance, Sound of Madness and all the classics you'll love alongside some never before performed deep cuts. And of course, the mind blowing production in Pyro the band is known for.

Let me tell you something, I've had these guys on Birdcast. I've known Zack for a very long time. We've seen them perform whenever our tour is lined up. This is a show you won't want to miss. I'm telling you right now, Bush, Morgan Wade, what a lineup for a full list of dates. And to secure your tickets right now, visit shinedown.com. You'll never win anybody over, completely. I know. Like people just watch it and they're just, everything is ranting and raving, screaming at something they don't get.

I know, I gotta get over that. I'm like 20 years into comedy or whatever and I still read a comment where somebody's like, is this supposed to be funny? And I'll just write, yes. Yeah. Like, that's why I posted it. I'm a comedian, it's getting laughs in the room. It's supposed to be funny, but I'm like,

mad at this person. Why am I engaging? Yeah, no, I think I graduated from that. Good for you! Yeah, I think I did for a long time too. And then it's also so much more pleasant not to engage. I know, I know. Like, don't get it worked up. You just see it and you just kinda go, it's fucking whatever. It's also so much more pleasant not to engage. I know, I know.

Don't get it worked up. Yeah. You just see it and you just kinda go, it's fucking whatever. What's the trick? I mean, I think it's just like, you're getting to a point where, once you do stand up long enough, right,

you have a certain level of exposure, you fully accept, I'll never, not everyone's ever gonna like you. Yeah ever sure like not everyone likes Whoever you want to Chris Rock right? I'm felt that's true like there's people who go like I hate this person I I hate what they're saying. They're not funny. Yeah, so you're like well if like the The top of the food chain gets that you know the rest of us have to get it, too Yeah, and like I'm going are those guys engaging with people who know of course not The top of the food chain gets that, you know, the rest of us have to get it too. Yeah. And like, I'm going, are those guys engaging with people who don't?

No. No, of course not. And then I think you start to like process that and you're like, oh yeah, I'm never going to win everybody over. Yeah. You never go, good point, you got me there. Yeah. So I just go, I'll post the thing.

And if someone doesn't like it, I just go, yeah, cool. I'm fine with that. Yeah, Neil Brennan had that great joke where he said, if you look at Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or whatever the famous one is, the first comment is gay. And you're like, well, there you go. It's like this beautiful piece of music that's lasted for centuries.

And we're like, eh. This is gay. Exactly. So that's all you need to know, folks. Yeah, you can't, you can't, it's a time suck. It's an energy suck. It is, it is, yeah. And it's not the... People who like it aren't writing. Yeah. You know, maybe you'll get like a ha-ha or it's funny, but the bad outweighs the good.

Right. And people who love things that you do are never going to spend as much time as someone who doesn't love it. Yeah. Which is never. That's true, but... And also, this is the other one. Who, like, how would you think, how do you think a person's life is going? Who spends time going, you suck. Right, right.

Do you think it's somebody who has like a lot of shit going on? Yeah. And who's doing well? Good point. I mean. It's crazy, it's crazy. It is like separate from the world, the real world though. I know, I gotta move on.

Because like, you know, imagine if like a politician read all that shit, they would be like, I can't run anymore. No, of course. This guy's gonna kill me. Oh my God, can you imagine if somebody actually digested? Oh the hate in at like the presidential level? Oh my god I mean that would be you'd be suicidal suicide I mean type in Obama and Slurs yeah on Twitter and it's just never-ending. Yeah, it's wild. Yeah, I were Trump too. I'm sure it's like. Sure, sure. He just, you know, he tells them, tell me good news.

Yeah. Right? So they report like, oh yeah, this person loves you or people are saying you did great. And he's like, that's cool, great. Wow. Yeah. They're definitely not telling him, you know, the bad stuff. Yeah. Which is like, it's like his own self-induced therapy.

Where he's just like, tell me some great shit people are saying. And there's probably a lot of delusion there, but he seems happy and he seems to be still thriving. As Trump. I mean one of the craziest things that like, it became normal to us, but it's fully insane. Completely. Is that when he became president on the last time, he's like, I'm doing a rally this week. And you're like, you're already the president. Oh yeah.

Because those rallies were just like positive vibes only. Ego boost. Yeah. And then he would leave there like, that was awesome. Right. That's just to feel good. And he could be so hypocritical, like I'm sure Biden accepted a plane from Saudi Arabia. He'd be like, well, that's crazy.

But when he gets one, he's like, that's what you do. This is business. It's a plane. I'm not going to give a what am I going to do? Not fly? Exactly. Oh, OK. By the way, getting a plane from the Middle East is crazy. That's like getting a train from Auschwitz, you know, like they're the ones giving us the plane. We've got a little history there. I mean, we're gonna get a bat from China. And then it's like the, uh, he's like, I'm going to take this plane and they're like, are you going to keep it for your personal use? He's like, no, which, you know, that shit is going is gonna be like he'll leave

office and be like I decided to use the plane. He's gonna use it as a car. He'll just drive the plane around. Definitely. Like it'll go to his presidential library like huh? Yeah. No it's all there's a lot of grifting done at that level. Oh yeah. It's everybody. I know Trump gets this shit for grifting which he is but like Pelosi's grifting. Everybody's grifting done at that level. Oh yeah, big grift, it's everybody. I know Trump gets this shit for grifting, which he is, but Pelosi's grifting, everybody's grifting. All high level politicians. It's about enriching themselves and their friends. Exactly. And we all do this

left and right thing, but they're all fucking crooks in a suit. I can't believe anybody actually ever buys into this person, what they're most interested in is just helping the American people. And you're like, you buy that for real? Are you that dumb? And they give a speech and then they show on YouTube a speech a year later and they're saying the exact opposite thing. And you're like, what are we doing here?

Yeah, like some people bought into, Elon bought X to champion free speech. I'm like, that's what you believe. You think that he's just like a free speech advocate. Right. That spent $44 billion in the name of free speech. And they're like, yay. I'm like, okay, cool. Yeah, it's all silly.

I try to avoid a lot of it, but it's so in the culture, it's hard to avoid. It is, it is it is So as a how long have you been in New York now? Is it 20 years 2008? 2007 so we're getting there getting there. Yeah, it's a it's a tough road, but we're finally I finally beat New York It's like a video game. I finally beat it on hard You did like the shit box shit bug. I got mugged. I got bed bugs I got you know broke and open mics open mics for the hardest out of all those You know, I had a landlord die of AIDS. I had just a crazy. Mike's was the hardest of all those

Wow, just like trying to have a day job then do open mics You're eating shit every night and then running around the city and getting lost, and having no money, it was pretty brutal. Horrible. Horrible, horrible, just the amount of apartments. I lived in apartments with comics who have since quit. Yeah. There's a lot of that. That's a big thing where I've talked to other people

and I go, you know, one of the things about having any chance in this career is sticking to it. You know what I mean? Yeah. When the years go by, sometimes we sit around and we go, remember this person and that person? Yes. And they just kind of fade away. And you're like, well, who has done well?

And you're like, well, some of the people who's done well just were the ones that kept doing it. Right. Their tolerance for pain, essentially. That's what it is. It's pain. But I think a big part of it is like, having a low bar.

Like when I got into this, I was like, if I can just not have a day job, I've made it. Totally. But everybody wants this viral, you know, they wanna be Matt Rife, and you're like, just be a comic. Yeah. If you really like it, you'll be happy with just doing clubs for the rest of your life.

Yeah, we had no, like when I was starting, there was, thank God, there was no reference for like, get this clip up and going. I know. We didn't have any of that. It was, really I got so in on the club system, and when I had seen, like I worked with some people that sold out a weekend.

Yes. I was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Crazy. That six shows had 300 people sold out. Yes, exactly. That was just to me like that's the mountaintop. Right. Same. Same. And adding a show was insane. Yeah. Or how about when you do a gig and they're like you do a gig a year later and the guy's like I came back I'm a fan. Yeah. Whoa, you came back. You saw me on the poster and said I'm going to that. Yeah. That's crazy.

That's that to me was like that was yeah, it's like it's too and said, I'm going to that. That's crazy. That to me was like, yeah, it's like it's too, they're getting too distracted. Agreed. Yeah. It's a blessing and a curse, because you have the internet,

you can just put it all out there, you can expose yourself, get a ton of fans, but also anonymity is a gift. Get good in the shadows first, but they want it too quick. Yeah, I think that like, because I get it, because you know, if you put up a clip of your standup,

it could be the thing that gets people to know who you are. Yes. But not if it's not a good clip. You know what I mean? Right. Like putting that clip up in your first year, like there's people who are like, I just did standup, here's the clip. You're like, this is terrible.

Terrible. Like take this down, you don't want to share this. I know, but the other. How will people know who I am? You're like, this is terrible. Terrible. Like, take this down, you don't wanna share this. I know, but the other. How will people know who I am? You're like, well they shouldn't know who you are. They shouldn't! Yeah. But you know, we were impatient too.

We just didn't have the outlet. We didn't have the, I know, we would have done it. We would have done it. Yeah. But it is something you can look at, I think, clearly and go like, oh, wait to do that. Right, right, exactly. Yeah, cause comedy takes, you wouldn't put a guitar clip

of you like the first week. You know, you're like, prang, prang, prang, you're on a tune. Yeah, cuz comedy takes you wouldn't put a guitar clip of you like the first week You know you're like Yeah, but with comedy you just do it because that allure of going viral is the clicks Yeah, and like there's this thing too you have these um you're kind of like thrown You don't realize it, but like when you're really new and you say something and it gets a laugh. You're like. Oh, I'm getting left Yeah, that's not those aren't But like when you're really new and you say something and it gets a laugh you're like, oh I'm getting less. Yes That's not those aren't It's not what you think it is. I know I know but it is tempting to it's very tempting to go viral

You should wait. You should definitely wait. You should wait, but it I think the unknown-ness of like will I make it? Yeah, yeah, what's gonna happen in the future? How long till I make it? I'm so poor right now, I need money. So I think, yeah, it's too tempting. It is too tempting. And then I think a lot of those people, especially the ones who stick to it, are gonna, you know, 10 years from now, be like, I cannot believe I posted this shit.

I know, I know. Like I see old shit too, where I'm like, ugh. Like I just see a clip. Of course, of course. And I'm like, I cannot believe that's out there. And even that clip was you, that was like you working hard at that bit probably. It wasn't just the first time you did it. No, it's like a TV clip. And I'm like, this is terrible.

But you ever see old, like young comics talking and it's all numerical. It's all like, hey did you hear Bob got 300 retweets or this guy got 9 million followers or whatever. Really? It's all just views, followers, clicks, shares. It's not like- That's the measure. Yeah, it's not like this guy's got a great bit or she killed it last night.

It's just like numbers, internet numbers. That's not good. It's sad. It's depressing, but I think it's just the way it is now. Yeah, that is really crazy. Oh my god, can you imagine how much Burt would have posted? Oh god, I know, geez. That would be scary. You've toured with him. Many times. I love him. I mean, we go way back and he took me to Europe when I had nothing. He, I did fully loaded most, pretty much every year. Yeah, I'm on the bus.

Did you, what's like the, did you ever have, I'm assuming you've had like long nights with him, right? Oh my God, so many nights in Europe were wild. We went to a strip club in Copenhagen, I think, called the Waterloo, and he's getting a lap dance, FaceTiming Leanne. And you're like, this is crazy. I mean, he came to my bachelor party, that was insane. The fully loaded nights.

And he's one of those guys who'll get drunk at the show and then be like, we're going to the bar. And he'll be like, after party at this bar. And I'm like, oh, we're going somewhere else, right? And he's like, no, no no we're going there that to me was always the mark of lunacy with that guy

was when he like started to like really sell tickets and Then I'd see a video and I was like what's going on that bar. He's like oh at the end of my show I told everyone let's go to this bar. I'm like you told the show. Yes go to the bar That's insane. It's insane. Yeah, and he's like yeah, I stayed there till like fucking three in the morning, and I You know bought shots for I'm like you're crazy, and he likes it. It's not like I love it Oh, I got to do this for my fans. He's like no let's get in there. I remember what this so like describes his personality when we went one time Joe had sent us,

we did a, I think it was the weight loss contest or something, and they were like, what do you want to go to? I'll send you to a sporting event, right? So I was like, okay, let's go see the Warriors Cavs play, San Francisco. Yeah. So he sent us up there.

That was our reward, right? Yeah. So he sent us up there, and it's just me and him we fly to San Francisco Stay in the hotel, and we go to the game fun game. It was like LeBron Steph. You know back It was a fun game to watch mm-hmm, and then we're back at the hotel. He's like all right We found like a rooftop balcony or something and we we were smoking cigars, having a couple drinks, and then he's like, I go, all right, well, I'm gonna go to bed, and he was like, why? I go, I don't know, I mean, whatever,

it's midnight or one or something. He's like, but don't you wanna like just keep this feeling going? Oh boy. What? He's like, you know what I mean, like that whole like, there's like that buzz. Yeah.

And he describes it in such a like romantic way. Sure. Beautiful. I was like, I go, no, I was thinking about going to sleep. Yeah. And he was like, no, stay, stay. Yeah. I'm like, all right.

So I stay like a little while longer. And I'm like, how about now? He's like, let's just, let's just stay here. I'm like, do you want to just live on the roof? Yeah. And you're like, go see your children. You have never talked to your daughters this way, Bert. I just was like, I go to me, I'm like, everything is just based on being tired. I'm like, aren't you just tired? He's like, no, he isn't. That's why he has to tour with like younger people. Yeah. Because they can keep up with him. The guy's fucking athletic.

I mean, we would do ski trips every year and he would be like, I'm going to snowboard today. And we're like, oh wow. And then he would snowboard better than us and then he'd be like, I'm going to ski today. It's crazy. Yeah. And he's like drinking a beer on the slopes and then bam, out there. Yeah. He has like really great body control.

Yes. Yeah. Crazy hand-eye coordination He'll like skid off on the on the snow and then take a photo with a guy and then go back out there It's crazy. It's gonna be sad when he's gone How soon it's your what's your bet? I don't know I mean, I don't want to spill the tea here But every time I've been to his house, I can't help but notice the amount of pill bottles next to his bed.

It's like 38 of those orange pill bottles, and you're like, is all that for your liver? What is that? Yeah. I also feel like he might be one of those just guys. They're like, can you believe it? 96. I know. I know. Norm MacDonald's out, but Bert's still cruising.

Bro, I remember like too, because we always, you forget how much, like we all know how to take care of ourselves, but like the biggest factor is still your genetics. It's still your genetics. I know, so true. And I know a friend of mine's granddad was like, smoke, drank, red meat, just partied, like he was in his 90s.

Hey, there you go. Yeah, just fine. That's why black people, you're like, your friend's eating fried chicken and drinking grape drink and you're like, you're gonna live longer than me. And you're like, you got a six pack, you know? It's crazy. It's fucking ridiculous.

Are you still doing the pushups every day? Every day, I did them today. I'm hungover, I'm gay and I still, I gotta do them, it's a guilt thing. How many? I'm up to a good, I do them today. I'm hungover. I'm gay and I still I gotta do them. It's a guilt thing. How many? I'm up to a good I do I do different I do the diamond then I do the the arm lift So I'm up to like I don't know 85 well and then pull-ups to Pull-ups too, but those are harder to find you need the bar. Yeah, but you can bang out some pull-ups, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I think it's the best exercise

Yeah, good for the back the arms the core. How many pull-ups are we Oh yeah, oh yeah, I think it's the best exercise. Yeah. Good for the back, the arms, the core. How many pull ups are we doing? Well, I hurt my shoulder, I tore my cuff. You tore it? I tore my rotator or whatever. I don't know if I tore it, but it hurts. And it clicks. When I do this, it just keeps clicking.

So I think something's wrong. But I can get up to 35 now. In a row? Yeah, I do 15, then I hang, and then I go back up for another 10, and then another 10. Bro. Hey! You know, I listen to Jocko Willenick, and I get hard, and I just start going. That's impressive, Mark, for real.

Thanks. I'm trying to kill David Goggins. Yeah. Suck it, Goggy. Do you run, too? Nah, I don't really run. But I walk. You know, I live in New York, so it's all walking.

Do you still love the city? I don't really run. But I walk, you know, I live in New York so it's all walking. Do you still love the city? I do. I live out in Brooklyn now. I got a backyard. I got the baby. So I feel like I conquered it. But it's hell. Don't get me wrong.

It's a hellish piece of shit. Do you ever see yourself leaving New York? You think it'll be a lifelong New Yorker now? Maybe I'll leave because the taxes are banal. You talk to Shane, he's like, I'm saving this much. You're like, oh, God, what am I doing? But I just, I'm from New Orleans. So I grew up in this kind of slow, hot, humid, just kind of molasses.

I do declare, you're drinking a mint julep and a seersucker and have a slave. But I think I can't do that anymore. I can't go back. You ever go on the road and you're in some small town and you're like, I'm dying here. Yeah, of course. So I need the opposite of that. So you have to be in a big city. I do, I do. And does your lady love New York too?

She loves it. She loves it. From there? She's from Cape Cod. Oh. So she grew up in the burbs, so she's like, that shit freaks me out. The burbs are weird, because everybody's like, the city,

there's a guy jerking off, there's heroin. But the burbs, I feel like I was like, and weird art teachers. I have to, I figured out, like just having lived in so many places, and even vacationing in places, you go, I can be in like a peaceful Tranquil area, but I have to have easy access to a city in other words

Yes, I can't be like six hours from a big city No, I need to be like like it's easy to get to yeah Because I also feel out of my mind in a like a small town totally Yeah, those guys who live out in these crazy towns in like Minnesota and they have to go in for groceries one day and get all their shopping done and come back, I would go stir crazy. Yeah, I would too.

I think it's a fantasy of the Pacific Northwest, Idaho kind of ranch. Montana. Yeah, where you go, like the Pacific Northwest. Yes. Like, you know, Idaho. Right. Kind of. Montana. Yeah, yeah. Where you go, that's fucking awesome. But then I'm like, I feel like I would, and within a week I'd be like, all right, we gotta fucking.

Completely. Go somewhere. Give me a Starbucks. Yeah. Because we all fantasize about that shit, but you still have your thoughts. Like, even if you go to Hawaii, you still got your shitty, evil brain up here while you're on that beach chair. And that's the hard part for me. Yeah, your brain telling you.

Yeah, the city calms that down. Isn't that weird? It's weird. It's like this loud, crazy place makes you feel relaxed. Yeah, well, I go to bed with a podcast. I can't have the silence. The silence is worse, so I just need some. You listen to a podcast?

I just put a podcast on, or I put an earbud in, and I go to bed. And then it's just like very low volume? Very low volume and I go oh that's interesting and I start kind of fading out. Wow. But if it's no podcast it's just like a Japanese game show going on. Really? Yeah it's my childhood and every stupid thing I said, every mistake I made, every bomb. Oh yeah. That to me feels like you shouldn't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. Okay. I don't touch it. Yeah. That to me feels like what you're describing would be exacerbated by weed. 100%. Yeah. Do you do the weed? Sometimes I do edibles, but I do mild, like low doses. None of this fucking hundred milligram shit. No, like five, 10, where it's like comfort,

but anything more than that starts to get into like paranoia and anxiety and I'm a bad person and I don't want to do that. These guys who wake and bake. I'm like, are you nuts? You're starting your day with that shit. That's crazy. No, what I really want is some more Vyvanse. Ooh, who's holding? Fucking psychiatrists. Is that the, that's like an Adderall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's holding? Fucking...psychiatrist. Is that the, that's like an adderall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. That's what fun, that to me has the best results. Yes. Like, cause I just like focus, like you have tasks, buh-buh-buh-buh. Oh yeah. And you know why Malaney's so funny? You're like, that shit works.

Is that his favorite? Is that his thing? Well, I think a lot of guys do the adderall, then they get to the... you coke it up after. You work your way up to coke. Okay. Well, I got that to look forward to. Yeah! I mean, imagine, well, you get so much done. You're quite the entrepreneur. You got the book, the TV show, the booze, the pod, the stand-up. If you do coke... Man, take over the world. You're gonna be Elon. Hey, you guys, give me some coke. Look at them right away. They, you're gonna be Elon. Hey you guys give me some coke

Look at them right away. They're like I'm holding that's Austin. There's tons of coke here. There's a lot of coke here What is your take on Austin? I think it's like if LA fucked Nashville, right? You know it's like It's it's got it You can feel in the air like we all went out drinking the the other night and it feels like LA felt in the 90s. It's like hot girls and there's potential and hope and the industry. But I do think it gets a little groundhog day out here. You're at the mothership, then you do a pod, then you get drunk, then you have a taco,

then you're at the mothership, then you do a pod, then you get drunk, you have a taco. So I're at the mothership. Then you go pot. Then you get drunk. You have a taco. So I can't, I could never live here. Yeah. Love to visit. Yeah. Well, I leave a lot. There you go.

I think, yeah, I like living here. Family's happy. It's a really great place to have kids and everything. But yeah, when you want something else, yeah, it's just the nice thing is I'm like, all right, cool, I'm flying to LA, I'm flying to New York, flying to Chicago. There you go.

Go see something else. That is nice. Yeah, that's the beauty of our job. We can just get the fuck out. I love escaping. Yeah, yeah. People are like, you're going to Poughkeepsie? That sucks.

I'm like, I get to wake up in a hotel and go to a diner with a headphone in. Yeah. That know, people are like, you're going to Poughkeepsie? That sucks. I'm like, I get to wake up in a hotel. Yeah. And go to a diner with a headphone in. Yeah. That's heaven. Diners are my dream. Me too. I love diners. Love diners.

And now diners are all shitty now because they're all $8 million. You're like, 88 bucks? I know. How'd that happen? I'm in the diner. It's supposed to be fucking four bucks for eggs and bacon. Yes!

It's supposed to be me and a couple blue collar guys and one hobo sipping a coffee for eight hours and eggs, hash browns and $11. Yeah, that is the whole thing. Yeah, and now they have these diners, like in New York they have these diners, but they're like, it's like a, I identify as a diner, you know? It's like a nice restaurant, but they have the old seats and the vinyl, but it's a million bucks. Is it true, by the way, did you work as a janitor? I did, for years.

For years? Two years. Best job I ever had. No. Well, that's not true. But it was like headphones in, you do your job, you mop, you clean this, you stock that, and... What type of place were you doing this at? At like a high-rise in Manhattan, so like a hedge fund place or whatever, and these

guys would rent out offices. So I had these couple floors, they called a porter, that's like the African American of Janitor. But, you know, you took deliveries out. Every now and then you cleaned a big ol' miscarriage in the bowl. That was a bummer. But, you know, it was like... Did you have like a uniform? Like a onesie? No, no. T-shirt and jeans. But you had to mop and you had to stock everything and clean. Like a lady would be like, hey, my desk fell apart. Can you fix it? And I didn't know how to do anything. So I'd just be like, yeah, yeah sure and I'd be in there with a screwdriver and like fuse box I had to learn about that it was crazy and this was a you could ideal

because you had daytime hours and then you could exactly and I would write in the boiler room like goodwill hunting and it was it was a great gig you ever keep up with anybody from then like and have you know if you never run into someone who was like hey you, you used to clean? No, because these are like hedge fund guys. That's not my world. Right. It was me and this other Mexican guy, and I taught him how to do everything.

He taught me how to fix shit, and I taught him how to get a bank account and buy a cell phone and stuff. It was like a weird movie, like a feel-good movie. He's like, yo, SA, know, like a feel-good movie. He's like, yo, SA, you got a Chase account? Show me. So I would like go in there with him. That's hilarious. You shouldn't just keep it in your jacket. You should put it somewhere. Exactly. So we learned a lot. He's gone now, deported. Oh, nice.

You know, sweet Esteban Esteban. Yeah, that's the bond if you're out there Don't come back, but that's the key is those those labor job move furniture I worked as a gopher on a construction site that was hell and a janitor was easy. It's air conditioning not bad Yeah, I was trying to go through like all the gigs. I had yeah, what did you do? I can't imagine you getting dirty Oh, yeah, well the first all right the first gig through all the gigs I had. Yeah, what did you do? I can't imagine you getting dirty. Oh yeah, well, the first gig was PA-ing, which is like on shows. That's a good gig.

That's a good gig. It can break your back on, you know what I mean? It's summer and you're just like carrying cables and they're running, going, I mean, you're just like spent at the end of that. Then I did some other post-production stuff. So I was like post-coordinator. I went to the story department.

And then I did logging. You had to log the tapes. I didn't know you were this immersed in like the studio world. Yeah, that was like, there was a lot of that. I did a pizza place. Ah, now we're talking. Yeah, off Riverside Drive in the valley.

Okay. Then I did another pizza slash counter service restaurant place in LA on Sunset. That was another gig I had. Then I was a site rep, which is, a site rep is like, if you own your house and you call this company and you go, productions can shoot at my house.

Like I wanna rent out my house. Oh yeah. Well when somebody books it and they go, all right, you're shooting at Mark's house, I have to represent basically you whoa I go there, and I'm like hey This is the guy's rules for his house like whoa you can put up this stuff But you can't nail it to the wall right use tape you kind of like our baby sitting a product because the productions don't fucking care

Yeah, you'll literally be like just make sure nothing goes on this wall And they're like got it and you And you walk over here and someone goes They just like nail into the wall. Yeah, it's a it's a it's like your babysitting productions So did you work any freak-offs? Any big house fun fun stories? Porno? Oh no, I wish I did you know in LA in that time there. I had like poor neighbors. Oh fun. Yeah, Taylor rain was my neighbor Taylor rain I'm sure that she's uh pull her up. She was my next-door neighbor if you're listening Taylor. I wish we would have gotten together Yeah, we lived at uh oh hey look at that yeah

Hey, she's cute. Oh yeah, I've seen her. I've seen her with jizz on her forehead. That's her, yeah. Don't you meet a porn star and you're like, why aren't you blowing me? What are we doing here? It's kind of like when you meet a person and you're like, you're a comic? You're not that funny? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel that way with porn stars. I'm like, well, why are you not licking my ass? What? You're a porn stars. I'm like well. Why are you not licking my ass? Your porn star it's so true well I of course you know I recognize her yeah Oh good for you, and I get like kind of nervous right yeah, of course. I'm also star 22 Primo pornage yeah, and I'm like I'm like holy shit. That's Taylor Reign. And I remember one day, we're both parking in the parking garage. She wasn't very, it wasn't outgoing.

She wasn't like, hi. It wasn't like that, right? So, you're in this Hollywood apartment complex, and one day I park and she parks, and they kind of had this, I say security. It was just like a guy Yeah, jacket, and he was like I'm putting like you know getting stuff out of my car

She's getting stuff out of her car and we're going towards the elevator and the guy who like basically He does laps around the parking garage to make sure no one's cars getting broken into I guess something like that nice So he's like hey, I want to be in the movies. Oh boy. And I'm like listening and she's like, oh yeah? He's like, yeah, I can go for hours. She's like, well, you got to be able to do it with cameras and lights. And he's like, hook me up, you know?

Like, hook me up. She's like, yeah, okay, sure. Write your number down. I'll pass it on to someone. Yeah. He was like, well, okay, sure, like write your number down. I'll pass it on to someone. Yeah. He was like, well, maybe we could practice. Oh! And I'm like, yeah, this is not gonna work out for you, Val.

But then sometimes you would see her in the elevator or walking down the hall with other porn people. Whoa! They would hang out together, you know? Yeah. And she was a big weed smoker back then. Whoa! So they were always, yeah, tons of weed as a 22 year old

If you're in an elevator with like other porn star that's gotta be insane it is until you like like I think it's all individually based personalities like The few times I had interactions she was kind of kept to herself. You know she wasn't she wasn't like oh Yeah, so it was like her and her friend. they would hang out and talk and kind of look at you, hey, and she'd be like, you know. Yeah. I think they're kind of like comics. Yeah, yeah. They're a little broken, they have a weird childhood.

And feel comfortable with their own types. Yes. Exactly, exactly. We put ourselves on the line as well as they do to get entertainment. Yeah. You know? It would be crazy to like get off the elevator, we walk down the hall, I go to this room, she walks past that room and I look, that's Taylor Reign. And then you just go inside and you pull up Taylor Reign. You're like, oh shit, look at this.

Yeah. I did that with Stormy Daniels. Really? When she was in the news, you're like, hey, I get to, I'm doing research. Yeah. You know, you're like, I see this woman in a courtroom and then you get to see her get raw dogged by like eight guys it's pretty crazy pretty crazy it's pretty cool yeah it's crazy that Trump was inside I mean at the whole imagine

Trump on top of her is insane it's insane yeah yeah anyone else hard you guys hard in there yeah porn stars are fun would you ever do that AVN? Would you ever host it? I think there was a time where it made sense for me, with the standup I was doing and the age. I feel like at this point, it's like, it's like, you know when people are like, hey, would you ever do The Daily Show? Right.

You go, as a institution, it's great. But then my next answer is like, there's 10 people better for it. Yeah, good point. You know what I mean? Like they're better at it. And I feel like at this point I'd be like, oh, I would recommend 10 other people to you first.

Yeah, and it's not like you need it. No, it's, yeah, you know what I mean? I mean, yeah, there's a time where it like, probably like really is a boost for you. And I think it fits fits whatever you're doing. But at this point I'd be like, I'm fucking the dad. Yeah. I'll give you a couple animals, it'll be great.

We have friends that would nail it. Would you do it? You'd be great at it, I think. Ah, nah, it's too much work. I mean, what do you mean, host it? Yeah, yeah, or fuck somebody on it, yeah. What? What? No, I don mean, host it? Or fuck somebody on it, yeah. What? What?

No, I don't want to host anything. People are like, oh, you'd be a good late night guy. I'm like, that's such a horrible job to me. I don't want to do it. You got to talk to Snooki, you got to be there every day, you got to wear a suit, it's brutal. I don't want to do that. No, this is great.

We're hungover, we're drinking coffee. Where was the drinks last night? Well, we did Kill Tony and Woody Harrelson was there, so we all tried to really hang out and impress him. Did he hang out? He hung out, he was, that guy, talk about some weed. Oh yeah, he's. Woo!

I mean, this stuff was, I took a whiff of it, and it was insane, I wouldn't want to get near it. And did he stay out with you guys? Oh yeah, he stayed there all night. What time did you guys leave? Well you know you go to Mitzi's and it's just a big shit show. I don't know, probably got home at like three or four. Oh that's a late night dude.

We had a late night. Well you know Ari, he can go. For a 71 year old man, he can really put him back. Old sweet old Jewish guy. And there's something about Austin that brings the evil out of you. Like you live here now, but when you visit here, it's like something in the air. Three something in the morning. You want to befriend RFK, you know, when you land here.

Something here, you just want to have a taco and shoot a hog out of a helicopter. It does kind of bring, there's places that bring it out of you. Oh yeah, oh yeah. And this town is just so free. Like when you live in New York, it's like very progressive. So then you come here and everybody's like, here's a MAGA hat and a joint and a gun and kill that old lady trying to get an abortion. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's on the billboard. Yeah. Yeah. No porn on the phone here boys. Well wild It's the land of the free, but I can't look up porn hub you gotta give them your ID ah What am I a migrant come on? No? It's fucking bullshit bullshit So I bought a gun did you know I'm just kidding you want one ah? I would I would fuck it up. I shouldn't have one. Really?

Yeah, I drink too much and it would just sit there on my coffee table and I would twirl it, you know, something bad would happen. Yeah. OK, probably best. Yeah. Do you have any? I have a few. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Do you go to the range? Sometimes. Yeah, that's fun. Not as often as I want to go. But yeah, it's fun. So it's not protection.

It's just like I'm having a good time with these. Well, I guess it has that benefit, but I like the, it's such a humbling thing to go and like start and be like, God, I'm so bad at this. And then with like good instructors, you know, it's like anything, it's like a golf swing, you go, oh shit, this feels better. So it's fun, like it's a fun practice.

What about the kids though? You ever gonna show them or you hide it? I would rather take them to a safety course and get them comfortable around it than to see it as this thing that like, oh maybe we should, maybe we shouldn't and then not know what they're doing. I'd rather have them feel like they have tremendous respect for this device and what it can do. And like know how to do it, than to just be like, no, you just never... Because you know that they're gonna pick one up one day.

I know, I know. Yeah, I'd rather teach them. Because this morning, my sixth rule was like, when are we getting guns? Whoa, school shooter. He's going in there. I go, I gotta talk to a guy We got to get you into a class and he's like come on man. Come on. Wow is this the one that's like you? Yeah, he's like come on man. Yeah, come on. Give me that fucking pistol take this sleep mask off and give me a gun We got a run but

Don't forget to watch we might be drunk Tuesdays with stories, of course check out mark on the road Are you doing dates now all day long? I got a million dates go to punch up mark Norman comedy.com I'm in Rochester and Portchester and San Jose and Eugene, Oregon and Dallas I'll be don't be coming to your your dad. There you go. He's one of the best out there go get tickets go see him live listen to the podcast. Thank you for coming, man Thanks for having me Tom. Good to see you too comedy There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.