2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get 10% off your first month. Head to http://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Go to http://philo.tv and check it out for a free 7 day trial. Use code BEARSJOY24 with DoorDash for 50% off your first order. The Shaman himself, Matt McCusker joins Tom Segura for this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They discuss the United Healthcare CEO shooter, Parking Wars, rude meter-maids, Asian excellence, skateboarding, gambling, the thrill of winning, Matt's career as a dealer, Tom's face, wiener fluffing, big dick energy, and so much more! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 267 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% What's up everybody this is AI Tom this episode was recorded before they identified the goofball who shot the United Health Care CEO Stay proud stay black Burt is fat Welcome to another episode two bears one cave my Regular co-host is actually speaking at a Nazi rally in Ohio. And sitting in for him is the great Matt McCusker, everybody. Let him hear it. Before I forget, you can get tickets to see Matt at mattmccusker.com. He's on the road.

And of course, you can listen to Matt and Shane's secret podcast, wherever podcasts are available. Never gets old saying that, does it? Wherever they're available. Wherever they're saying that, does it? Right. Wherever they're available. Wherever they're available, anywhere. Anywhere. So many places.

Go to my computer and access the files themselves. You can get the original MP3s from that. And you guys are huge Patreon guys too. Yeah, big Patreon guys. So. You're business savvies? I think so, I think we're pretty savvy. I think you are too.

That's what I always tell myself, man. Whenever I get too spun out about all the personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a small business owner. What do you want from me? I'm just running a small business, dude. I've told so many people that I think all of us, if you do stand up, whether you see it this way or not,

it doesn't matter, it's objectively true, you're an entrepreneur. Like your business is what you, your comedy and how you present it and everything, but you're a business owner. Yeah. I feel like it takes the heat off. Otherwise you become the commodity and if people don't,

yeah, that's where it gets personal. Like this sucks. You're like, well, it's me, I'm the product and I don't really appreciate you saying that very much. This reminds me of when I shaved my face a few weeks ago and everyone was like I hate your face I go this is my face It's my face not a turkey sandwich. Yeah my face and people were this guy came up to me at a bar And he goes fucking it's good the beards back and I go yeah, and he goes yeah

That was bad, and I go it wasn wasn't that bad. And he goes, no, it was bad. And I go, what the fuck, man? Why are you doing this to me? And he's like, it looks really, I go, my face? My face looks so bad? He was like, yeah, dude, that sucked. You look terrible. I was like, what the fuck?

I had to shave for the show. You know about the show. Holy shit. Yeah. Oh my God, dude. Dude, you look like a totally different guy. I know. You know about the show. Holy shit! Oh my god! Dude, you look like a totally different guy. I know. What the fuck? You look like the guy who shot the United

Healthcare CEO. Are you sure you didn't do it? That was last week! We had to forgot our guy. It is kind of similar. Did you inscribe? You know we inscribed the bullets. Yeah, deny and delay. Yeah, and depose or something. Can I tell you that...

What the fuck, dude? I think you killed that guy. I know. There I am! No, dude! Do you know that, like, the NYPD released those images a couple days ago? And I'm just on my phone and I see them. Sometimes you just get these, people think you like really, I'm just like whatever.

I put them in my stories, those photos, and I just put wanted, right? You were just ringing the alarm bell? I was just like, it's like this guy's wanted I put a wanted poster in my story. Can I tell you though? That's pretty cool. What was crazy? I was just like it was breaking news. Yeah, I was like he's wanted So many people replied like nah, that's a like I'm not turning him in. Oh, I know. And I'm like, yeah, he fucking killed somebody on the sidewalk. And they're like, nah.

Should have offered a bounty for him. Fucking really crazy. The way that this murder is, people are going like, well. People are pumped. Yeah, it's really crazy. I was literally, I was just reading about the fact that like people are celebrating the fact that this guy just got shot in his front door Yeah, like good good good really insane. Yes, and I know that like that business is

Really brutal and and that company in particular has like a horrible reputation They do yeah, but to just be like good to the to the guy dying on the sidewalk Yeah, it's like when old senators die and they're like fuck you go to hell you piece of shit you're like alright that's a little much mean this guy yeah that does suck man it's like he was just checking his like Salesforce early in the morning just got he's going into the meeting like the the big quarterly returns meeting or whatever it is yeah although the thing what the thing is that if all I have two questions the first is an observation

It's like if you get like if you're like mother just dies of cancer and like you kept getting like your paperwork blocked It's like I get that would fill you with a murderous rage. Yeah, but Yeah, you're not allowed to go and shoot the guy well. Yeah, it's a rules This is the civilized yeah, true. I mean well here's the thing if they let if they let like 10,000 just of like loved ones slowly die in a bed. That's the argument It's like is it worse to like quietly if you turn people into like paperwork That's what they're saying. How many deaths is this guy responsible for right? Yeah, so like you can live in it

But then here's the thing if it wasn't responsible for all those deaths, He wouldn't be the CEO. So yeah, he's good at his job So good. He's really good at it People are talking about cuz I think we're gonna we're gonna learn who this guy is eventually cuz I it's I'll just be clear It's not me He's still at large, but the thing is It's gonna be it's gonna be, it's gonna be a, he's smiling right, he's got a nice smile. He does actually, look at that.

That's a nice smile. You know he got Starbucks right before too. Sorry, and he rode a bike out of there? Shit. Shit, what about your face? Fuck, I might be a suspect right now. We don't see a hood on you. You got a nice smile.

Yeah, he had Starbucks right before, man. But I think this story is gonna be this, especially with those inscriptions on the bullet casings, you know? Yeah, I know. That it's gonna be some payback, like revenge type thing. For sure. But, cause everyone's like, this guy's a professional,

you know, like Hitman, you're like, I don't, like to do that, but the thing that makes it seem professional is that his gun jams more than once when you see the unedited really Yeah, and he doesn't panic at all. He's just like like You know what the slide back and yeah Holy shit cuz most people if you're like, I'm gonna do this thing and your gun jams. It's like a freak out. Yeah Yeah, people freak out all the time when they go,

this is how I would handle a home invasion. You're like, okay. And then it really happens, and they fucking lose their minds. Yeah, dude. You freeze, you're done. But somebody who's just composed in that, that does make you go, this feels a lot more progressive.

And inscribe the bullets. I just learned that moments ago. I didn't know he inscribed it. Yeah, yeah. Kind of a drama, it's a drama queen move. It's a total drama, and it's a message, right't know he inscribed it. Yeah, yeah. Kind of a drama, it's a drama queen move. It's a total drama, and it's a message, right? It's a big message. Yeah. Yeah.

Although, it's like, you know, this is the worst part is like this is the only thing that can possibly make them kind of be a little more lenient with their policies. Well, the thing is, you know, whenever there's an act of terror, people go like, you know, this is not the way to do this, but the reason that people commit acts of terror is to get you to discuss and like, make their point bigger, right? And it's like, since this guy has done this, everybody is talking about UnitedHealthcare's policies. Like, it actually was the effective move. Yeah, that's why they put you in Guantanamo Bay for it.

It works very well. It works, yeah. It's very effective. There was. Yeah, it's very effective There was some guy wrote a book claiming that like all throughout history the only time there's been like meaningful wealth transfers have been like after Disasters like huge wars natural disasters or like kind of coups. Yeah, he's like, yeah, I mean it's it's a shame It still is bad. It's like you're going down, you know Well, some of them make you mean like McVeigh, right, blew up the Oklahoma City and killed all these people. He's like, well yeah, I mean it was for a bigger purpose.

What was his big thing? What was it, it was about like government, what was, type in what his motive was, because I think it was, yeah, it was for handling a Ruby Ridge incident. Oh, that's what it was Yeah, I was for handling a ruby ridge incident. That's what it was So it was like right, but that didn't affect that that doesn't no one goes like you're right Yeah, because you did you because you blew up this building or was his bomb too small. I Don't know was it pretty effective. It's pretty big bomb. It was a pretty big bomb. Yeah true

That didn't really do anything that And also the government's too big and it's too nebulous of a target, but hitting a health care, that's like, if you blew up a meter maid, people would be like, well, I don't wanna get tickets. I know. So yeah, the guy had a... And the city would be like,

all right, these tickets are a little expensive. Yeah, true. All right, we'll give you 14 days before we double it. We sorry about that all seems pretty good about the tickets Philly's like ruthless Yeah, they give you I think they give you like I forget what it was It was like 10 days and then they double it and if you have more than two outstanding tickets You're automatically on the boot list and they come take your car Really? I've gotten I had two of my cars taken from Boston's like that Boston's aggressive. Yeah with the ticket very aggressive I owe the Philadelphia Parking Authority still like I think now they want I think it's like five or seven thousand dollars

I love that show so much the reality show. It's so good Fucking yeah, I talked to the one lady the one time it can stay on a marathon, and I'll keep I'll just it's good Man, I went down there once they took a I think they took a Ford contour off me And that you have to when you you can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car So I want to get my belongings you have to write a piece of on a piece of paper what they took from you and What you're what's in your car that you're reclaiming and I wrote a giant dildo And you have to hand it to the person at the counter and they have to like bring it to someone in the back and Get it. That's really funny. Did you have a giant dildo? No, I didn't have a giant dildo

I actually had like I had like a blunt that fell out like behind Did you ask for that? I wanted to go get that And like I had some other stuff too that I wanted but yeah, I was after that blunt But the I did put giant dildo and they were they were kind of laughing. Oh, that's good It's good. They have a sense of humor. They did seems like they do on the show Like yeah, I mean that kind of it's they kind of get broken down You have people say I've said the meanest shit To those people and I think they would give it back to me

Yeah, but they were like there was this one lady the one time she gave me a ticket and I was like come on Man, let's bullshit. She's like anything and I was like fuck you. I hope you die and she was like she's like I hope your mother gets cancer. That's what she said to me back the meter made. Yes She was I hope you're I was like I hope you die and she goes I hope your mother gets cancer and I was like if you were my mom I would she said something like would you say that to me if I was my mom And I was like if you were my mom I'd fucking kill myself And she was like I hope you get hope your mother gets cancer We just had this exchange, and I was like yeah, whatever. That's awesome. I've got it out of our system

I was kind of by the end of it. I was kind of laughing she got like so ruthless I was like that's kind of fun. That's pretty funny. Is it just me or has TV gotten really complicated I'm either endlessly searching for my favorite shows or subscribing to a dozen different Streaming services to make sure I can watch everything. I love thankfully Philo has changed all that for me one service all the stuff I need Philo's got current seasons of the shows I can't miss live on networks like A&E Paramount Discovery and TLC classics like The Office, Martin, and Friends

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I mean, that's also like a great kind of advertisement for Philly. Yeah. Yeah. It kind of summarizes the city. Yeah, it does. People are very, people are very on edge, man. I didn't realize it until I was here for like six months.

I went to Baltimore to do a show and I got off the plane. I'm not lying. Like I got off and I just like looked at people's faces when I came into the terminal and Like everyone I was like did people just get in an argument here I was like I thought they were it was like post fight energy and I came in I'm like, oh, yeah This is just people are just this is our person all the time. Yeah. Yeah, I think some of that is like I mean, there's a culture to a city I can't say I think weather is underrated. I think weather affects the shit out of people.

Yeah. Being in coal. And then like the hustle of a Northeastern big city is just a different thing. Yeah. Like shoulder to shoulder, you know, like in on the streets and like it's there's slush and shit on the ground and yeah true People just fighting for position more. They're jockeying for position Yeah You have you have after like ten of those interactions a day of like you and another person walking in the same Trajectory and like either giving or being like I'm not fucking moving. It does do something that you're so I don't do that

I don't deal with that like at all. I don't there's never anyone on the sidewalk Yeah, there's and there's shit to like I just think of like entering build like holding a door Opening a door and then in yours in some Filly or Baltimore and someone's like hold the fucking dorm, you know, like that kind of like like that doesn't really happen Here, you know, like that's just like a very regional thing. Yeah, true New York has that too depending on the neighborhood Yeah, it's aggressive. It is it is it is unnecessarily I think it's unnecessarily because I always whenever I go to New York I try to be like very very nice and try to like break the mold and it's just I've made no progress

But I feel like so many New Yorkers are actually so nice. Mm-hmm You can just get into pockets where it's the opposite. Yeah, I feel like they're nice if you talk to them But if you ever ask someone for directions in New York, they look at you like Like I know and then, I was in Tokyo. How was that? It was amazing. It was one of the greatest. That's what I've heard, I heard it's awesome.

Best food I've ever had in my life, hands down. Everything was, everything. What? Tomatoes, lettuce, crab, meat, everything was the best I've ever had, fruit, everything was the best I've ever had. That's crazy. It was so fucking good and a couple times I

Stopped random people looking for places and they stop whatever they're doing to help you what yeah all of them Where are they grow there are they a big like producer of like produce and stuff I didn't think they that's just an island. I don't think they had a lot of room to grow. It's just that they are Perfectionists and so everything of everything they do I don't think they had a lot of room to grill. It's just that they are perfectionists. And so everything they do, it's like, you know, you find the places like the coffee place is like, this guy has been working on how to make the perfect cup of coffee for 50 years and he does nothing else. Yeah, yeah.

Also people take great pride in jobs that are seemingly mundane, like the cashier has like proud to be the cashier. You know, things like that where you're like, it's just like this system of excellence. So I mean, I'm telling you, like the first salad we had, we were all like, what the fuck?

Really? Or like even, so it's known that you can obviously get like Kobe beef and Wagyu as Japanese specialties. But I had a chef, my chef friend was with me, Philip Lee, and he was like, in the States, most of the time if you're at a hotel, the idea is if you wanna get a good meal, leave the hotel. It's gonna be a lower quality meal at the hotel.

But in Japan hotels have some of the best food Really? So we were in the lobby of our hotel like the pleasure like I just want to get something to eat and I had a sirloin and as I'm telling you we took a bite I was like this is a top three steak of my entire life It was like it was all like that everything that we ate there was like that Yeah, we could import some of that here Everything that we ate there was like that. Yeah, we could import some of that here,

whatever that is going on, whatever's going on inside people in Japan, we need to take that here. And the funny thing about import is that obviously we want to have sushi. So the way that sushi works is that there's a fish market, right? And they bring out, like this is the top tier,

let's say tuna, right? And then people can bid on it. And then it goes in quality, like quality kind of spectrum, right? So like the highest, highest quality stuff will go to like these restaurants, sushi places that demand that and command it. And then it works its way on down.

Okay, the highest quality sushi that you can buy from Japan in the United States is too low for them to serve in Japan. What? So like when you're here and they go like, this is the best flown in today from Japan, Japan's like, yeah, you can keep that shit. That's the worst.

Yeah, we don't want it. That's so funny. So that's like the difference of like quality. That's crazy, because I've been to those sushi places and I'm like, you can't get any better. Exactly. This is so good. Yeah, and it is good.

We eat it here, it's good, but over there, they're like, there's a whole other level you don't know about. Jesus Christ, That's crazy And then it's on an airplane. It's flown Yeah, I thought maybe like I was like maybe this stuff is better because they're not it's not being like thrown around in boxes Everyone's handling it like every tomatoes hell handle very delicately you watch what he make and omelet there And it's just like performing surgery and they're just like here you go. Yeah, that's that documentary

Jiro dreams of sushi. Yeah, very similar. That was really cool to watch Yeah, my problem is like why can't we get into making omelets and stuff with it? What's what's in our brains that doesn't allow us to like make a salad and just be totally into it and like take pride in it I don't know. I think that it really is like a It probably starts it starts at home. It's a cultural thing right like Yeah, there's I mean, let's just say it Asian excellence They're just fucking better. They're just they are dude. They're just better dude. They are I want to I want to try to figure out What this I'm not saying all of them

True, I don't want to start a stereotype, but I know yeah It is it is kind of like it's like that would be nice to get into that just like start just taking pride and stuff You're doing so I've never tried to make a cheese plate. I weed like people at our house recently. Started chopping up some cheese. I'm like, I'm gonna make a nice cheese plate. I got like, like within two minutes, I was like, fuck this. I put a knife in the block of cheese and crackers. And I was like, I'm not doing this.

Just giving up. I gave up right away. Although you know what I have been doing? I've been skateboarding lately. You've been skateboarding? Yeah, and I did not like anything crazy. We have like, you know what I pump. Did you skateboard in your youth?

When I was little, yeah. When I was younger I did. But I underestimated, or overestimated how much of my skills I would have retained. Dude, it was wobbly. I just started like three weeks ago. How, what age range were you skateboarding in? Probably like seventh. It would have been like seventh, eighth, ninth grade.

And then done? Done, yeah. Oh, okay. But every now and again, I would still pop on a skateboard here and there but I went through a skate park like I'll be alright it was it's really hard but I have this little it's a it's called a pump track you know you know that is yeah like yes baby little thing so I just been doing that and it's like I had my Apple watch on I don't wear my Apple watch anymore because it's my wearables have let me down apparently

I'm pre-diabetic I didn't know that but yeah dude they're telling me my biological age is like seven years younger really or my whatever it is. Yeah, they're like dude You're you're like physically you're like a fucking 29 year old. I was like sweet. I'm like a doctor like dude. You're pre-diabetic What are you doing? I was like really? What is your sugar consumption really high? I didn't think it was that bad But like I apparently I was eating a ton of rice since like I was eating like I don't eat gluten So I was eating like white rice, you know potatoes, so I would eat like mountains of that Oh mountains of it is different than having I need to go to Japan. I need someone to eat but um, my dad has type 2 so I you know

It's pretty much his fault epigenetic. I think I got like an epigenetic transfer But you can get like has he tried to like get out you know I mean like you can change your life. I will he won't. He will. He just takes but he did Actually I shouldn't I shouldn't put smut on his name. He still does eat like a giant bowl of ice cream every Sunday Okay, not the best, but he does he'll take like the medicine for it the pill And he has cut down a lot on a lot of stuff Yeah, cuz I know a couple guys that have been type 2 diabetic and reversed it. Yeah, that's my plan I want to reverse my pre-diabetes, but they also the two guys I'm thinking of look nothing like they did when because they made dramatic changes Yeah, you know so I thought I was pretty healthy. I like you look healthy

Yeah, so I thought man and like but I guess I I don't know because I was like I was like I did eat a pancake the day of the blood tests are like that has nothing to do with it So wait on the day of the test. I didn't know you're supposed to fast I like I forgot I had the test now, but you got a that gave you a crazy glucose spike for sure I thought so but they were like now this no a1c studies They're hemoglobin apparently your blood cells last for three months in your body, and then they die and new ones come So I guess they like somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each Blood cell yeah, they one sees like a render or a measure like a measure of how much

Glucose is like covering all of your blood cells huh this gets you they get they get like they turn into like Sour Patch kids Inside your body yeah, they get sugary. Yeah, and they just really like yeah Your blood cells are covered in sugar So that's my understanding of it. I don't know so you just got it, but you are you're already making the big one I went like my wife's pissed. I'm like going like full psycho now It's just like I don't I haven't eaten carbs in like a week cool barely any barely any that's good So now she'll make stuff everything she makes me.'m like, what are you trying to fucking kill me? Do you- can you still eat meat though? Do you like meat? Yeah, I eat a ton of meat. I just eat meat and veggies.

But you're gonna be fine dude. Yeah, skateboard, meat and veggies. Yeah. But the pump track, that is my only zen like moment now where I just like when you're like really- Do you wear protective gear at all? No, none whatsoever. Yeah, none whatsoever. I can't- I can't do it. I still have like that seventh grader mentality. Just because you're like, that's gay. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Helmets. Someone asked me like, you wear a helmet, right? And I was like, I am sorry, I can't. it. I still have like that seventh grader just because you're like that's gay. Yes exactly Helmets someone asked me that you were a helmet right? I was like I am sorry. I can't I'd rather die I'd rather hit my head and die than where it be seen wearing a helmet I Mean hold on dude Hey, man, that's why I was with Tony Hawk. Yeah, he wears that helmet knee pads and elbow pads. That's Tony Hawk He's a bitch. No, he's

wears a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads. That's Tony Hawk. He's a bitch. No, he's not. He's not. This show is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for you, your kids and your retirement, even during the holidays.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. How do you stay cozy during the winter months? Me, I like to wrap up in a blanket, go out by the fire pit, mug of hot chocolate for her. I'll tell you what I like, a little warm red wine with a little cinnamon stick in it. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. That is the best way for me to spend my December.

Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort that never goes away, even when the seasons change. Here's the deal, December is a tough month. We've got January right around the corner, you've got Christmas, you've got family, you've got New Year's. So much is going on. For me, therapy is a no-brainer. I just talk through how all my interactions are going to go.

I remember last year I did this for New Year's. I said, I don't want to be hung over to start the debt year. And he said, don't drink. And I said, but yeah, but it's New Year's. And he goes, just do something different this year. It was a really great conversation. Didn't drink last year, danced the whole night and woke up perfect. And I had a great year.

Listen, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash bears. Oh, he needs one. He's look he's doing fucking like loops and shit. I'm just doing the pump track. Okay, I'm just doing the pump track. He you know again if he wants to you know dress like that. That's his business. Dress like that. It's an outfit. He's doing like 40 foot look

He's doing crazy shit. He doesn't love skateboarding as much as I do. That's true. He's out here. You know he's having his fucking dilettante He's fucking yeah, he's pussyfooting around yeah, okay. No that makes sense No, I saw his documentary. Did you watch that? I did not see it No, it he has gotten I didn't know he got that fucked up He's gotten like 90 concussions. I didn't have this appreciation though for because I think as a kid when you see Greatness in different sports. You're like that guy's just really good. That's right. Like Michael Jordan. You're like, he's just really good Yeah, and it takes becoming an adult, seeing some stuff, talking to some people, and then you realize,

oh, this guy is a psycho. He's out of his fucking mind. And I didn't realize that when Tony came here, and he was talking about how his femur broke, and this doctor was like, well, you're not gonna be able to do what you did. He's like, I just went to another doctor. And that doctor was like, well you know you're you're not gonna be able to do what you did He's like I just went to another doctor and that doctor was like well We could do this thing and like reset it differently like so has another surgery to reset it

And then I got on a board and then I was like huh yeah, you're crazy, bro. He's out of his mind He is a psycho. He's a competitive psycho Lance Armstrong Psycho Michael psycho they're fucking crazy people I do like how Jordan's psycho and it's just transfer to like sports gambling once you got done I'm strong psycho Michael psycho. They're fucking crazy people I do like how Jordan's psychonists just transfer to like sports gambling once you got done Yeah, I kind of like that about that. Well, they also the gambling ones are also it's it's the same thing about winning It's just about winning. Yeah taking and then the rush of like I won this thing. I want to yeah again Yeah, yeah, so it's like cuz Dana White is like that You know like and and I asked him that because he's famously gambles crazy amounts of money

Yeah, and he does it like daily and I was like yeah But this is cuz you're addicted to like big wins and he was like yeah hundred percent Yeah, I've also heard compulsive gambling is more about the flow state It's like the winning and losing almost becomes irrelevant. You just like being in that kind of like, Eric, everything just falls away. You're just on the table and it's just like, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. It kinda keeps you in this almost like flow state.

But Dana goes in, he goes, I'll play three hands and leave. So he'll win, he wants to win, he'll get out. He wants to win. I like that. So he goes in, he bets huge. 350,000, 400,000 a hand. And he's like, if I win two or three, he's like, I'm outta there. That's impressive. Yeah, and then000 400,000 a hand and he's like if I win two or three he's like I'm out of there. That's impressive

Yeah, and then it's just like it goes home like yeah I've just just walked out with you know 1.2 And I'm like feeling good and then tomorrow I want to do it again God are they gonna they're gonna ban him event if he keeps winning they're gonna ban him There's a few casinos that don't want him to come in really like six yeah, so he stays till like a couple damn That's kind of bullshit I don't that's kind of bullshit how they do that if you actually play the other thing is crazy because I gamble sometimes on a much smaller scale yeah is like you know you can go like

$3,000 and they go boop and then when you win and you're like oh, I got 3,000 in chips They're like hold on phone calls. Let me see your ID and you're standing there in line to get your Cash, I'm saying, you know, like yeah Hey, where did you win this? I'm like at the table. What do you like which table? I'm like, I don't know the number of the table and then like call somebody else. Hold on. Let me see your ID We need to scan it enter your thing. What's your social and you're like This is pretty cool that like I can give you the money and it's like, no problem. But this whole process of getting it back, I mean.

That's kind of weird. Well, you know what, a lot of people use casinos as money laundering centers. So maybe they figure we can kind of scare some of those guys and keep their money because. But I feel like that's gotta be the big dogs, dude. Like Macau is famous for that. That's the money laundering capital of the world is it really yeah

Some people do it you get like hippies will they get like some like evil hippies in there like selling ketamine They'll take like five grand because they have to mail it if you have a bunch of small bills You want to turn into big bills so you can mail it easier Hmm, so they'll take it in like play a little bit and cash out and so maybe they can thinking like oh We'll scare these guys and keep their keep that's what they would do They would take like five grand of small bills change it to big bills and be like all right We're out of here, and then okay, so if you start a pressure I'm like only see your let me see your tax return man. You'd be like

A little bit yeah Bullshit though man. It would piss me off. It's really annoying. You don't do it. You don't gamble at all I Used to here and there I like didn't gamble I did it my first time in Vegas when I was like 21 and I just won blackjack I wanted craps and won like six hundred dollars in craps. Yeah, I won like I won like exciting It's very exciting But when I lose I get filled with like such a disgusting bitter feeling that it just like I don't like doing it So people have different thresholds for it and I was like, I was at a blackjack table

with these NFL guys and like the way that some of them were betting, it was like, it was making my eyes water. I was like. You're just getting horny. You're just like fuck dude. I was getting like the, cause I always feel like you have to like work up

the courage to increase, you know? So like if you're like I bet a hundred and then you get on a little roll Or you feel prep you go alright. I'm gonna do 500 or a thousand you're like oh man And these dudes were doing like 10 20 grand. I was like God That's the only way that for me It was fun to gamble back when I was 21 because I literally had zero I had no money Yeah, and then so like everything's a rush that $500 was all that was like my whole fucking week of work Yeah, I was like oh fuck now. It's like dude. I'm the idea of like giving sizeable enough portion to like be like financially

That's the only thing that makes it exciting if it's like if it can like wipe you out or do you like serious damage? Yeah, if you like it's got to do something cuz I heard it there is a thing where you're like Hey you won and and the amount does nothing to the heart rate something like well This is nothing I used to play when I lived was me Shane and like we all it was me and a bunch of our friends We're all like comics None of us had like any no one had any money at all But I was like selling a little bit of weed so I had more than them so we would do poker and they'd be like Five dollar buy-ins and I'd be like this sucks because I was like I don't give a fuck

Yeah, needs to be enough to get your like your hair standing up. Yeah, so but then it's like I'm not if I lose that I fucking freak out. I know I won one time. I should it's always like you should listen and you should walk away yeah, I went to do a show in Vegas and Pre-show went to these tables, and won $7,000. Oh, that's kinda nice. I was like, I mean, glowing, right? Just like.

Yeah. And we went and did the show, and you're just like riding this dopamine drip. And I came back, and I went back to the tables, and I started losing. and like guys with me Like just just like just leave now. Yeah, I was like no like a like a total degenerate fuck out of here And I kept betting kept betting and I just kept losing losing losing and I lost it all the money that I'd won I just lost it all and

in comparison to like that I'd won, I just lost it all. And in comparison to like what you're getting paid to do the show, it's not a significant amount, even though it's a lot of work. But you're not like, oh, this is a, you know what I mean? Like it doesn't really, I couldn't go to sleep. I wait in my room and I'm staring at the ceiling and this overwhelming sadness.

I was depressed. Well, you know what it is? It's like when you win at gambling, the feeling is that like the universe is like I like you Yeah, and you're like fuck. I knew you liked me. Yeah, then you lose a good guy Yeah, when you lose it's like the universe fucking hates you. Yeah, and you're like true fuck Yeah, there's like a magic element to gambling. That's what kind of attracts people to it. Yeah, it's true because it's random and it yeah, and then the other thing is you just realize that there really are these streaks.

Like in Blackjack, there's the shoe, right? Like the card's in there. And you can get a good shoe. And you think it's like kind of you. Big time. But it's just like every, you know, you win eight in a row and you're like, dude, what the fuck?

I figured it out. And then the next shoe, it's like eight losses in a row. And you're like, this fucking sucks. And you suck too, to the dealer. Dude, that's what happened to me. I won the first two times. I won like $400 and I'd just be like, to the moon, like holy fuck, and I would like cash out,

buy everybody stuff around me, like I fucking did it., so then when I went again like a year or two later I was like guys check I know exactly how to do this and I just got wiped out like instantly Yeah, like the next three times just lost so fast try to cash back in lose again. I was like I'm not doing fuck I hate this. Yeah, I get I had that feeling I always think about just like a casino owner Just like my money just being like filtered onto like a gray truck just amongst stacks of cash and just trucked away And he's like, thanks. Yeah, he's just like, huh cool fuck. I paid my cell phone bill Yeah, I don't like it man. I know a lot of people love to gamble. I don't I don't know I'm glad I don't have the like I enjoy it. I've had fun

I think it's fun when you're with friends and like yeah a good time, but I don't have that thankfully I don't have that thing. That's like I got it. Yeah I also I had like I was like I had a pretty like risky kind of like gambling life for a long time So I've gotten yeah, I've gotten my thrills out for the most part. So how was your life risky and gambling? I should just sell drugs So I was like people go to the casino and I was like dude I do this every day like I could I could be devastated every day. What kind of drugs were you selling? Just weed. Yeah, mostly weed and then like I tried to sell coke. I'm I wasn't cut out for that

How how was it? I mean I sold a you know a couple of bags Yeah, I realized and I bought a million of them back So I went over to people's houses and watched them play video games and that's all it is sat there And yeah, you play Xbox for like an hour and then you just make a thousand bucks. Yes. Yeah, but How was the coke stuff? Terrible I didn't do it. That was a thing. So I didn't do it I didn't I just I didn't like what it like did to people I was yeah I was like 19 so I didn't really know

But that was like when I was like that was like genuinely scary because like weed is like people are mostly cool. Yeah Except to a certain point if you get up high enough, you know when the money gets high enough It'll be like you deal with like real actual criminal you were talking about home invasions It's like dude, there's guys that'll do that and it's like it's so fucking scary and they're so scary too You got into that level. I've gotten my I was in a house. I got invaded I was never a home invasion kind of guy But yeah, I got up to like I would get like 35 pounds like that was you'd buy 35 Yeah, I would get him front it but I would like I would be I would commanded 35 pounds. That's a lot, bro

I know scary. That's what I'm saying. I got my like but when that how would that 35 get to you? It would get dropped off at somebody else's house and then we have like a storage unit And we were just like go down that we get to like pick between the strains But I want four blue dreams six out like sour diesel so it was that third was that amount split amongst a couple other people? There's me and one other guy you and one other guy We would get like 70 dropped off and we get to split them and what was your selling like like what were you? How much were you selling at a time? Mostly like to my big people are like two to three sometimes people take five pounds. I was like my most I would give people like five at a time so they were dealers too

Yeah, I would find people and then be like I think you get and you kind of like slowly front them and get them a little Bit more than you eventually are like I'll give you like two pounds It's like just you'll be fine. Yeah, and then you just kind of just and then you just start dropping it off and like collect Your money, so that's real money though, right? Yeah, I was yeah, I was chilling for a while in my early 20s I was having a good time But the but yeah, but like you get robbed people everyone you're like, you know, if you think of it like your employees It's like the most unreliable. Yeah, people are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill They'd be like I got hammered and I started running around selling it's like why did you do that?

Why then they get in trouble, people get addicted to drugs. It's like, it's a really. Was there a one incident thing that got you out of it or was just a gradual thing? Not really. I got like robbed at gunpoint a bunch of times and I was just like, or I should say I got robbed at gunpoint twice,

but the, I guess it's not a bunch of times. While from somebody you knew probably or like it was a set up thing? It was like someone I knew would set up with somebody who would then be like my friends gonna Come and then someone that person knew would just be like I'm I'm gonna set this up like a robbery cuz everyone got bad on Pills so you get people who get bad on like yeah pills who then would be buying like heroin who though now they're introducing Like heroin guys to being like hey, I owe you money But I know this one guy who could like you know who's like I can help you rob him and they'd be like yeah

Let me do that and When you got robbed was it for the weed or for the cash for the both for both and they got me for both Yeah, for both. Yeah, the postal also like we would mail it a lot so like the we had the postal police take like I mailed like 35 grand and they just were like yeah, that's ours Fuck I was like fuck those are huge losses though.? I know, I've been wiped out financially like, you know, again, if I had like, I'm like 25, 26, with like 40 grand, I'm like, this is crazy. And just go to zero.

I've done it like two or three times. Damn. Yeah. And were you mailing cash because you owed it to? Well, you would mail it to, if like, you could buy it once it got here, but as soon as a pound of weed comes from California, it's the driver itself, That's like 400 per pound They're tacking on and then it's gonna go to a person is gonna attack three probably three to four or whatever on each one

But if you can get it directly from California you can skip all that but they got to mail it to you So you open yourself up to the risk of catching a package in the mail? Yeah, and then you got to like, you know, hopefully it's not being followed or whatever So but you were mailing cash out to Cali. Yeah through my friend. I would like give it to my friend He would mail it to California. So you have zero after this. Let's wipe that I've done it Like it oddly it becomes kind of a peaceful feeling though to get totally wiped out After like the third time I like perversely kind of liked it. Yeah, I got here we go I would just go back to painting houses and like damn it right back to the salt mine

I'll just paint houses and kind of like do stand up and work my way back up. Jesus, man. Yeah, but eventually it just became ridiculous. I was like, I'd have to stop. It wasn't really the kids were the big thing. Yeah. Once I had kids, I was like, I can't, this is ridiculous.

Yeah. If I go to jail, that'd be so sad. Yeah, I remember a couple of friends that were selling and it was funny because when you're in high school and getting into college, you're talking about an ounce here. I remember how it makes sense, but you get more brazen with the longer you're around and more comfortable. And then one time I'm with my friend,

he pulls up and he's got just like QPs like on the seat and yeah and I'm like you're just driving around like this. It becomes so normal you forget the first like month I remember like my I think I fried my nervous system but the first couple months you're like legs are shaking anytime a cop's around you you have like an ounce of weed you're like oh yeah and then you get like you just forget it's even illegal you just I would just drive around like it was like a normal job yeah then even a cop does pull up behind you you're like it's just like ice water your veins Just sort of like yeah, and that that's really bad for you. And also it's like

It's one of those things. It's like it's genuinely when people say it's bad. I was always like it's weed like who cares But when you're when you're doing that you're essentially you have to lie to everybody you talk to which is not good It's not good and it like it's a you be literally become like a liar. You have to lie to everybody you talk to which is not good. It's not good And it like it's a you be literally become like a liar Like you have to lie it's it's non-stop kind of games and manipulation And it's like it like your relationships excuse them because then you're like I don't really want to tell this person I'm with exactly what I'm doing and it's like if it goes south they can kind of fuck who did your closest friends know So yeah people knew kind of but I always would kind of like I wouldn't really ever tell people the scale for the most Part except for a couple people the scale is alarming scale was kind of alarming when you said 35

Yeah, yeah No, just being like a storage unit and then like or like I'd bring it to my house Then then it's like every time you leave your house You're just like somebody's definitely going and taking that from me so like you just constant anxiety. Yeah, it's not worth it It's like just go get a job It's like yeah, it's either you're bored or you're gonna be like like hair raising Lee anxious, and it's like being boards better You know it's just like a joint crossfit and do jiu-jitsu or something yeah work it out another way You're just gamblers. You know you don't have to risk your freedom, but fuck man. Yeah, it was cool I I you know I kind of did that from like

18 to embarrassingly Not that long ago And now you're a successful comedian yeah, thank God man I would otherwise would have been in jail, but now you can walk around go man. Can you believe I got this clean money? Yeah? Thank God I got robbed so much that for real the I could just show the IRS like bro. I'm telling you man Yeah, there's nothing there. Yeah, got Rob take it up with that other guy Thank God I got robbed so much that for real the I could just show the IRS like bro. I'm telling you man There's nothing there. Yeah, yeah Rob take it up with that other guy But it's crazy because then people rob you and then you learn later like karma really is like it gets people

Like yeah, I would just learn about people who robbed me and like stuff bad stuff happens to people feels like you're lucky That you learn these lessons without having to suffer the worst Consequences for sure it jail you feel kind of bad though not going usually there's a big redemptive arc learn these lessons without having to suffer the worst consequences. For sure. Jail. You feel kind of bad though, not going, usually there's a big redemptive arc, you're like, and then I got arrested, and it's like, when you're like, nah, I just, kind of worked out.

People are like, fuck you. Now I sell tickets on the road. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. People don't like hearing that, but. No, I know. It's the truth. It's good that you didn't have to go through that

to figure it out. I know. Although I do have that perverse side of me again that like I have the jail fantasy You're like how would I have done in jail? How do you think you would have done? I think alright. I don't know again It's one of those easy things to say crazy now I don't know how many guys you know that have been to jail how I know a handful They're like yeah, man. It's actually pretty cool. I mean you're like what I do They're like they tell you like good stories, and they're like I got a good friend It's a wild shit, but you know we had fun. Yeah, okay

It's got to be kind of fun, but I do think it is pretty depressing yeah My friend was there a bunch of times and he he was like yeah You know there's parts of it. They were fun, but he's like mostly it was horrible And I'm never I'm never going back there. I don't think anyone wants to go back food man That's like that's the one thing like I'm such a dude. I can't even wonder how it would affect your pre-diabetes It'd be tough. I'd have to probably go for like Maybe the Jew I don't know Jewish diet or Muslim diet they like that's like they're like coveted diets you can get there really I have to convert. Yeah to convert to probably you have to convert first

I think so you got to pass a test if you want the diet in jail you have to convert to probably. You have to convert first. I think so. You gotta pass a test. If you want the diet in jail, you have to exhibit knowledge of the diet. You have to like, it's like a citizenship test. Wow. Yeah. So some studying. You have to go in there and like, did the Jews do 9-11?

You have to be like, no, not at all. I'm like, all right, here's your fucking. Here's your food. Here's your shawarma, dude. No, we did not do that. And then like, you're getting the diet that you want. And they're like, hey, how come you're not doing daily prayer, man? Yeah, it's five times a day here pal.

You're allowed to switch it every like couple years, I think. It's like, it's a big deal, like if you can kind of get that like special diet. Like, well, well, well, if it isn't the old Christian Muslim Jew. But yeah, I'm really, I'm actually, I'm very happy. It happy it sounds it sounds really miserable man. It's like yeah You seem well adjusted man. Yeah. Well. I did a lot of reading I did have time to read so I kind of got to like read a lot and like you know I got to really kind Of reflect and I also was never I was never violent. That was my big thing. I wasn't really violent I like one time that I like really spaz

But for the most part like I would just kind of live and let live if people like did you carry a gun? No, briefly. I had a gun in my house, but I got the gun scared me I'd look at it be like I'd be all high looking at a gun. I'd be like oh fuck dude Yeah, but so no I know and that thing too if you got caught with drugs and a gun it was automatic jail Yeah, so that's why I was like I'd rather just lose the money than have a good like I'm not gonna fucking shoot somebody Yeah, I'm no hero. I'm not like you know like that guy And have a good like I'm not gonna fucking shoot somebody. Yeah, I'm no hero. I'm not like you know like that guy Wait do you really think I shouldn't ever shave again? I think it was kind of cool I think you should mix it up on people dude. I like that you do for real look like a totally different guy

Do you know what happened to me? I've told this story, but I was So I was this grew back in like eight days, okay, so jealous I feel like beard five days into this, I can't get a beard. Five days into this, so you can't really tell from this photo, I have just like some growth. And I'm at the Lakers game. And at the Lakers game, I see Spade and Rock, like around here.

So I go say what's up to them. And then it's halftimeime so you go into this like You know like banquet style room. Yeah food and drinks. It's kind of loud But we're just sitting and chatting well. Well, you know just catching up. Mm-hmm eating bullshit from the thing and then Sebastian walks up and he says something to them and then he turns to me and he goes hey Sebastian and I go And he says something to them, and then he turns to me, and he goes, hey, Sebastian. And I go, what? Like, I know.

He was just here, like I've known him for a year. And then he turns and he sits over there, and I was like, it's so weird. He doesn't recognize, that's nuts. I don't put it together at first. Like in the moment, I'm just like, what? It's his problem, man. Yeah, introduced himself.

So then I'm like, hey man, I say something to him. He's like, I can't hear you. He's like, not much further than you are from me. He's like, I can't hear you. I go, come here. So he comes and then he just looks at me like, you know, like dead in the face. And I was like, hey man. And I just start talking to him. And he just looked and then he goes, oh my God. He goes, Jesus Christ, I seen you with shaven.

I, what the fuck? He goes, it Christ, I seen you with shaven. I, what the fuck? He goes, it freaked me out. I fucking didn't know. I was like, God damn. Because the voice would be so familiar where you'd be like, what the fuck?

The other thing that you realize too is that the grays, they add years naturally, right? So you shave them off and you just look younger. Young as hell. I get it like a goatee and my my hair is gray and shit my goatee is just most like really gray really I look aged yeah when I grow my goatee out it's like I look old as hell it is cool when I tell people my age and they go oh I thought you were like 57 I'm like it's cool I get that a lot too now I guess Austin man dude. Dude, my hair and facial hair grows and I look like I'm 50 years old.

People are like, dude, you look old as shit. It ages you up. People have been telling me a lot. Like, dude, I thought, like I'll get off the stage and like say hi to people after shows and they're like, oh dude, in the lights you look like you were like 55. You look terrible. I'm like, thanks man. Isn't that cool?

Yeah, thanks man. I appreciate that. It's real honest. Thanks for coming. Yeah, I shoot this thing next week And then I'm gonna start I'm gonna start having some fun I think I'm gonna do a mustache for the rest of the mustache should be nice mustache strong You know I can see your face. Don't do that. I saw her. I can't grow my dress When I was little my cousin

We were having like a battle with a kayak paddle is like a split in half kayak paddle so they had like sharper edges and we're like sword fighting in the pool and he like accidentally slashed my lip open and like literally filleted my lips so I came like that. Really? So I had to go to the hospital and I was like maybe eight years old and the doctor was like you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache and I just cried. That's a cool thing to tell an eight year old. I was so fucked up of him. I could have found out later I didn't need to know. Yeah, he could have been like you'll still be able to grow a mustache. He was like, you know, you'll never be able to grow a mustache, right? Because I do have like a big gap right here because of where I got...

Because of... And he was like, he hit me with that information. I just cried. Really important to tell an eight-year-old. I was so fucked up. I don't know why he had to tell me that. Such an asshole, dude. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm already in shock. Like my face is cut open. I have like my lip and then everyone thinks I had a cleft palate now. Yeah, I'm a scar right here They go you're the cleft palate. I'm like, yeah Hit me in the face of the car feel like we judge them so hard the cleft palate. Sure. Oh, yeah We really do. We're like Hmm. Should you even be here? Yeah, that was like that's an easy fix now, right?

The technology has improved incredibly. Yeah, because that was a rough one, man. When you come out, it's like, you got that snarl. You got that evil snarl. The snarl that like, it's also like, fucks up the nose a little bit, and speech pattern, everyone's like, hmm. Yeah, we're going gonna hold you back forever. You're lucky they kept you.

Yeah, you don't see it anymore. I must fix that right away. I just feel like they fix it right away, and also the way that they fix it is more advanced than when we were like, when we were kids, you would see it and be like, oh, but I think now you can deal with it Yeah, that's a weird kids and our our first kid had like a cone head when they came out Because she got into the birth canal, but she had the umbilical cord around her neck

Oh my god, so she just got her head for real was like a pyramid No, so was my first was like that too and he had two things he had like reddish hair Which went away. Yeah, yeah. And then the other thing is, like, I don't remember if it was a month or two in, the top of his head, all the hair fell out, but he kept the horseshoe. What?

So he looked 50. And it looked so weird. And I was like, I'd be like, yeah, I don't like the way he looks. Yeah. This is my son And then it came back I was like oh, thank God that's so if he just had like male pattern baldness This is whole as a baby

It's so crazy, bro. Why didn't know like look at this This is cleft palate usually repaired with a surgical procedure called Pilato plasty when a child is between 6 and 18 months That'd be nice to give your baby like a strong chin, too Yeah, you might as well just like fucking change his eye color and give him a strong chin. That'd be a Be awesome. They should start doing plastic surgery out of the womb. I just right away. It's not a bad idea I know won't remember it also this kid's kind of fat. Like, let's thin him out a little bit. This kid's dick's kind of small.

Let's give him a penis enlargement. You have boys at all? Just girls, yeah. Yeah, I have two boys. Boy is funny, because when you see a boy from birth develop, you just realize, oh no, we're obsessed with our penises our whole lives. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're always just like, oh no, they're obsessed with, we're obsessed with our penises our whole lives. Oh yeah.

Yeah, they're always just like, look at my penis! And like just grabbing it and just, and you're like, don't, do that in your room. Yeah, don't do that. I was, my fear of having a son was that the nurses were gonna peep my newborn son's setup and then do some sort of math to like, be able to scope my flaccid setup out and be like,

oh, you know what I mean? Do you think, there has to be some sort of scale. They have to like, they see scope my flaccid set up out and be like, Oh, you know what I mean? Do you think there has to be some sort of scale? They have to like, they see so many Dick scales? Brand new penises every year that they must be able to from the son, look at the father and be like, Because I've also had like,

I thought I would think so, but then I've had like, I remember a friend who's like, you know, the mom, I don't know, it's all weird, but it said something like when, like, oh, I guess that gene didn't pass down. Like, in other words, like the dad has a hog. There's a hog in there.

But the kid just has a normal one. The mom side, there's a small dick on the mom side blocking the genes. It'd be crazy to inherit a big dick from your mom's side. That would be. That'd be kind of nuts. I think that does something to a man. Especially if the dad clocks it real early. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, he's like fuck

I I have a friend who was adopted and he's got a Massive hog and his younger brother. What kind of dimensions are we talking fat dude? Really? Yeah, absolutely fat parking he said it's shaped like a parking cone, but the His little brother one day came in in front of the dad and was like, why is his bigger than dad's? And it was like, he's, I was like, bro, you must have felt that. You feel that for sure. I would have been like, I would have banished him.

Yeah. I would have put him in a basket down the Nile and be like, the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Put your fucking nine-year-old ass out of here. Yeah, that's rugged. But here's the thing, you'd have to be gonna but are or are you proud you're like but you can instill small dick energy and a big dick energy guy which would be kind of nice that would be kind of unstoppable yeah tell them all

the time like bro if I had your dick here's what I would do yeah you tell it you just like pump your son up tell me to give you a small dick work ethic you're gonna be completely unstoppable you dick work ethic. You're gonna be completely unstoppable. You really are. Yeah You're not gonna be lazy. No, just gonna lay there Yeah, you're gonna be although you kind of want big dick guys lazy. You don't want big dick guys too active Yeah, well, I think being the president That'd be that's a disaster. I was thinking of just like tearing pussies apart Cuz I remember I worked with this guy, he was a big fucking guy. And I remember I used to say shit to him like, I'd love to see you fucking just grab a woman, you know?

And he was like, yeah. I was like, I know you got a fucking healthy hog on you. And he was like, I go, have you ever like, like hurt a woman? He was like, couple times. And it was stitches, they had to get stitches. Oh She probably loved it It's terrible that's one of those things that the stories you know, there's guys that like want to give somebody Stitch I know it's kind of fucked up that that's the I don't think this guy was actually I mean You don't know but I don't think he was like that. I think for sure just a huge fucking guy a huge hog Yeah, but I mean that must be do you think there was some element of him that or some part of him that was kind

of like like prideful like I think part of your brain has to go like this is what happens is what happens That's not about pleasure this point. It's just about like just telling the pussy up. I don't know man I got this big old dick as big as what happens man.. I don't know man, I got this big old dick. That's what happens man. It's tough to love me. I got this big old dick. It's a tuna can and it just stretches you out. Yeah, I uh... But that is some women's...

Like there are women who will tell you, I don't want anything to do with that. But there's still a percentage that are like, yeah that'd be amazing. Yeah, I need that. I need that. To feel alive. Yeah. Although I've heard some say, and again, I don't know if they're just kinda hyping me up, but I've heard some women say, like, look man, you don't need it that big.

It's kind of a curse. Yeah. But I don't agree. Just showing it off would be awesome. I think that's the part. It's the visual, the visual of it, everybody goes, wow, when you see something big. Yeah.

Another part is like living with it and having, you know, to use it. It's a different thing. I have talked to guys who have felt used, who have been like, dude, I feel like women just use me for my penis and they don't want to actually have a relationship with me. I'm like, oh, that sucks, dude. Yeah. Can't watch Lifetime. That's what you're fucking worried about.

So you're bummed out about? You can't watch the Real House real housewives do that sucks. They're just using you for your perfect dick Yeah, I'm like dude. I don't want to hear that shit. I had a guy one time in an office like third day We shared like an office room, and he was like yeah, I got a nine-inch day He just like throws it out there. It out to me. I was like oh cool, man That's what's up. Yes threw it out to me It just changed our relationship forever. Is it good uh? His dick you're talking about no no like your relationship like it was alright It was okay, but then he just like threw it was like it didn't even have a chance to like Like to set he just threw that right into the mix. That's such a weird

Why are you trying to do why you doing that to me right now? He just wanted you to go like I guess you'll you'll run things around here I think so I think he was trying to establish pecking order He's like you'll be my little dick minion, and I'm gonna have you have you do my bidding So just so you know when I say something it goes yeah, I'm in charge. I have the nine That's a crazy way to do it. I think he was maybe telling a story He's like threw it in as a detail, and I was just kind of like all right. That's that's what's up But yeah, I'll also I I kind of did uh I didn't, I never, I would just leave.

You should have just turned and busted out a ruler and be like, prove it. Yeah, busted out right now. Guys all lie about. I, that's, you should never lie up. I don't know why people lie up. It's like lie down. Nine is, it's bigger than you think. I would imagine, yeah.

Nine inches, bro? Yeah. Come on. He was claiming, yeah, it's, I don't know. That's what he claimed. He threw it in the mix and it was his physical description he just was like a About the same height as me, but he did have like slightly crow magnet face that led me to believe it Like you might have a giant, you know, I hit a big dick face It was just like big face. Yeah, deep fucking eye sockets and like... You're one of the most depressed...

One time I went in, we were doing a... It was a business thing, like I was working in post and we were going to a different facility And there was this chick working there who you could tell had just like ho energy And she was super flirty and like inappropriate, right? And like just like, you know, just real fucking like, inappropriate, right? And like, just like, you know, just real fucking kinda gutter trash energy. And so we were just, whatever, talking,

she's kinda flirty, and then, I don't know how this comes about, but she's like, yeah, I have this ability where I can like, I can guess your dick size exactly. And I was like, really? And we're in like this kind of flirtatious rhythm. I mean, the energy is like, it's fun.

Yeah, for sure. I'm having fun with it. For sure. And I was like, oh really? And I was like, well, okay, so then guess mine. And I'm like, just like, what's this gonna be? Yeah. And she's like, how about I draw it?

And I'm like, all right. And's this gonna be? Yeah. And she's like, how about I draw it? And I'm like, what? All right. And so she takes a piece of paper and draws and hands it to me. And it is like a perfect oversized, just like a porn cock. Yeah. And I was like, wow, you're good at this.

Like, you nailed it. And then I got scared. She drew it hard or soft? It was, I mean, it's just like, it was just like, side. I see what you're saying, just like a dimension, like a hand turned to you basically, yeah. And then I had so much fear inside of me that like,

It's nice to see it. No, that like, yeah, that I was like, I'm definitely gonna not live up to what she just drew. Yeah. And like, I gotta get out of here. I gotta leave this building I was like almost like they're like now go into this room and show her and I was just like yeah We should definitely hang out sometime and I was like, I'm never yeah, let the mystery your expectations are so we were when I was in Seventh grade we had like two of the hottest eighth grade girls just took it upon themselves to pressure people to see their penises Oh my god, and I would be on the bus shivering with fear. I had like four pubes

I was like, dude, please don't get my tiny on pubed penis and they were like it never got to me finally But they did make a couple boys show them their penises and we like eighth graders checking our pubes They've got you got pubes like you have to like pull your thing down like look at my pubes Yeah, that's so many fucking pubes, dude Dude, these three Dominican girls one time got me to show them my dick You know, it's crazy and it was like I was like no and they're like we never seen a white a white guy's dick before I was like, uh, and so They

Face I was like no one will recognize me. So. Damn, you were a schoolboy. They pressured you. Oh, this was college. College. Okay, all right. And they were like, we've never seen a white guy's dick.

And I was like, okay. And so, I don't know. I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. And then like part of your mind is like, what if this turns into like a really cool, like, foursome. For sure. So, but the thing was, I would like,

they were like sitting on this couch, I would go in the other room and just start fluffing. You'd have to, yeah. I was like, Jesus. Because I, you know, I had so much anxiety that your body's like, oh yeah. So I'm just sitting there just stroking away. You just came.

Yeah, I'm like about to jizz. And then I'm like, okay, all right, everyone, open your eyes. Now! And then I remember I showed it to them and they were like, it's so white. I was like, yeah, I'm white. Yeah. They're like, I've never seen a white one. It's so white. I was like- So there's more about the color than the dimensions. Yeah, they were just like, I mean, yeah, I fluffed it hard, dude.

Really? I mean, I was tugging. Yeah, and they were just kind of like, well, okay. Like, I was like, yeah, let me go get some from the other room I just was like obviously yeah, and then when it was like Presentable yeah, yeah, that's when I know you guys you guys can just come in now And then I was like waiting like so who's gonna like take it first and they're like no We just want to see I was like I fluffed for the dermatologist one time yeah

I dude I had like a hard I don't know what I think it was like eczema But I thought it was like some other type of rash so I had to go to the dermatologist and like it just so happened to be there was this Like really like there's this dermatologist in Philly who's just like it's it's kind of ridiculous like my friend She is yeah It's like it's it's kind of unreal and my friend was like actually doing like medical Sales and he was you knew exactly who I was talking about

So she was like all right I got to see it like I knew it was coming So I just kind of was in the waiting room trying to like like quietly kind of fluff myself up It's going like Instagram and try to find like lady shaking their back anything yeah And as soon as I got in front of her it was just like just shriveled right it was like a shriveled like red dried out penis I've never seen a smaller version of my dick than at the doctor's office. That's bullshit.

Like I've told doctors, I'm like, it really gets better. This is nothing. That is crazy for them to see that many dicks. That's got to kind of wipe you out. You've got to look at them all day. You know what I mean? Because then you know exactly what you're saying. At least guys have that air of mystery in their head where they can kind of be like, eh.

I've asked a urologist, I was like, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen and they're like, oh, yeah, you you don't forget Really? Because it's it's a it is a just line of pathetic dicks that just don't register and then Every once in a while there's just like some old guy just goes like yeah, and they're like, wow Shit, yeah, and they're like wow Shit yeah Yeah, man It's gotta be an I always wonder about this too with like especially like women like women have that just like anthology in their head Decks so they yeah, they know man. There's always that they always there's always that like that one Charizard They'd seen they're like oh my god, and it's like does it mean as much to them as it means to us

I don't I genuinely don't think it does. I don't know. I think it's awesome. There's a woman in the booth. What do you think? No No, that's what no what what is the answer? Say it again. It doesn't matter You're a good woman You don't stay with that one memory of that like that was that was the outlier Fucking I mean there is an outlier for everyone. Ah, here we go. Here comes the truth. Yeah, tell us the truth. Here comes the fucking truth.

But do you... So does he... He does stay in your mind, though. I mean, yeah, you don't forget, but I'm not... Are you reminded every time, if like, say you're with like, a boyfriend, every time you look at his penis, does it like trigger a flashback of like, the biggest one you've ever seen? No. That's my fear. No no no really yeah, cuz once you're in love. That's all you care about is your thank God girls Brains are set up the way

Really that wipes it out Yeah, so it does matter to bring home flowers. I'm erasing the memory of the biggest dick Every time you say I love you, she forgets his dick a little more. It shrinks in her head. She's like, you know, I don't really remember. Those pants look great on you, and it's just like, just a little bit shrinks. I thought you said it was an eight and a six. She's like, no, it was like seven.

Wasn't even that fat come to think of it. Oh, really? Yeah. We're going on vacation. I'm going to shrink this thing down. Shrink it down, dude. That's good. That's actually. I'm gonna shrink this thing down shrink it down dude. That's good That's actually I'm happy to hear that that's great I think I definitely think that we are more obsessed with for sure then you want to see mine

Yeah, I'm gonna show what was look on the table. That's that dude I've been trying to play the big big dick bad boy to my wife now. I'm gonna switch it up. I'm going nice guy I've been fluffing for her. I'm gonna try to do big big dick bad boy. I mean like I don't even care man. Yeah Oh you actually show me your It's pretty good right that's fucking great. I had my regular dick queued up. Oh wow Some of my butthole in there somehow to Some of my butthole in there somehow All right, well This is fun man. It was a blast dude. Thanks for having me. We both have co-hosts regularly

How do you keep it like you know mines a fucking how do you keep it? Fresh with your guy. How do you guys you guys have a good dynamic? We're fresh right now because I've he's filming so he's been he we've done a couple he's gone You miss each other we miss I miss him so dearly right now. Yeah, um what I do is I try fresh right now because I've, he's filming so he's been, we've done only a couple, he's gone. You miss each other. We miss, I miss him so dearly right now. What I do is I try- Is he trying to film me right now?

Yeah, they're about, I think they should be wrapped up like next week. I think. But what I try to do is I read constantly and I read subject matter that I know bothers him immensely. And I bring it up and it's so fun every week to just expose him to like esoter so Tarek kind of like weird spiritual stuff and he hates it. There's no time for it. That's great So it's very that kind of makes me laugh every time to watch it and he likes to like Dismantle all the ideas and I think I would have to take that role because my buddy can't read But yeah, it's funny it's also the thrill of like we don't prepare anything so every week comes And it's like can we summon an hour of something out of the ether? Yeah, it makes it kind of fun to be like especially when it's not working. We're both looking at each other like fuck

Yeah, what do you do then um we just repeat stories. We've told before yeah My guy just has a drink Okay, all right. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for coming man. It was fun Make sure you see Matt on tour get tickets at Matt McCusker comm of course check out Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever Podcasts are available and yeah, man. Thanks so much for coming. Thank you One goes to the top and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.