2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - My Dad Was Probably A Murderer w/ Kirk Fox | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

SPONSORS: - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears - If you’re 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order + free shipping @‌IndaCloud with code BEARS at https://inda.shop/BEARS ! #indacloudpod - Head to https://DRINKAG1.com/BEARS to get a FREE Welcome Kit with an AG1 Flavor Sampler and a bottle of Vitamin D3 plus K2, when you first subscribe! - Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears ‌ Tom Segura returns to the cave with the one-and-only Kirk Fox, comedian, actor, and possibly a future Supermax inmate, depending on how you interpret this episode. The two dive into Kirk’s accidental tennis-career-turned-acting path, his eccentric family upbringing (outdoor showers, blood-written memorials, and a grandma in a box), and his lifelong dream of becoming either an FBI profiler or a serial killer — whichever opportunity arrives first. From Waymo self-driving cars acting like drunk Uber drivers to territorial pissings, choke etiquette, BTK, Tommy Lynn Sells, Vince Champ the stand-up sex criminal, and a full breakdown of Supermax prison life, this episode spirals into a darkly hilarious masterclass on murder, consent, and why prison might actually be relaxing if you need more sleep. If the FBI is listening — it’s all jokes. Probably. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 315 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:34 - Tennis Legend Kirk Fox 00:08:40 - Charo Looks Like Bon Jovi 00:11:20 - Kirk’s Home Life 00:17:53 - Golden Showers 00:24:46 - More Killers & AI Sex Robots 00:33:42 - Tommy Lynn Sells & Killing by Train 00:37:43 - The Next Killer in Our Friend Group 00:40:49 - Supermax Prison Fantasy 00:46:29 - My Dad Was A Serial Killer 00:52:38 - Vince Champ: The Sex Crime Comedian 00:58:21 - Kirk’s FBI Dreams & Shamelessness 01:02:22 - Kirk & Tom Check Out Vince Champ's Comedy 01:06:07 - See You In Prison Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everyone. I have some exciting shows coming up on Saturday, November 29th. I will be in Tacoma, Washington at the Emerald Queen Casino. After that, I'll be in Oakland, California at the Paramount Theater on November 30th. Tickets and all info is at tomscore.com slash tour. 100%! Cheers! Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Bert, you look great. Thank you, man. I've been trimming up, and, you know, I'm, I'm happy to be here. Yeah, man.

Such a surprise. I can see that your face is kind of narrowed back in. If you stop eating completely and drinking, you just find out who you really are. It's fantastic. So this is it. This is it. For those of you who don't know, I'm sitting here with the great Kirk Fox. He is a very funny comedian and actor.

You may have seen him on Parks and Rec. You may have seen him on jury duty, reservation dogs. Wow. So many things. So many things. A lot. A lot of things. I try not to think about it.

I was watching, I've seen, I don't know, every time I'm scrolling, I see a clip of you and something else. You're just. I don't watch it. I don't even really have a TV. Yeah. So when someone. Do you feel like you have a lane as an actor?

Elaine? You know what I mean? Like a certain type of part you get called for? Anyone on their way to prison? Yeah. Or about to be caught? Yeah. Always sex offending.

There's always somebody that's a tart. Yeah. Always a member's only jacket. Do you remember the first part you got? Yeah. What was it? It was, well, in House 4, I got my sag card. Okay.

With Sean Cunningham, who I was teaching tennis to. Tennis has given you such... Tennis has been my agent for the whole run. Any job I've ever gotten was because of tennis. That's so crazy. That is so crazy that, like, because I've seen... it a little bit, just like being friends with you, you're like, oh, like once I kind of saw how this work, I was like, oh, because tennis is a sport of the elite in a lot of ways.

I'd like to think so. Yeah, like tennis and golf, right? Those are kind of like more... That's country club. Well-to-do sports. Anything else doesn't interest me. But the irony is that the well-to-do like to play them, but the people, you know, who usually are really good

come from a working class like people who strive to be good at a sport don't come from those usually those families right? I mean I think for me personally I didn't come from money. You came from a working class family? I didn't see

him work much. I just came from a family. Okay. My dad found a way he would, he called himself an inventor. But he'd get up every day at 6.30 and invent ways to not have to go to work. Okay, okay. That's cool. He'd get up every day and he'd get a bamboo stick and he'd go down to the beach and just trudge along the deep sand. It's kind of a good life.

It seemed to be for him. Not much of an income, but he found a good way to not have to work. He was a handyman. But is that tough then as a young kid wanting to, like, you found a sport you really like. like. And at least in today's world, it's like if you really want to pursue tennis, you have to kind of invest some in that, right? But he would drive me around and he would drive me to the tournaments. Who introduced you to tennis? No one. There was a, there was a garage door across the alley. Yeah. And I would just hit tennis balls against it. And hitting the ball against the wall is something I did for

most of my life. Something really like so pleasurable and satisfying about a ball against a wall still. Just the sound is hypnotic. Even if like you throw it against, you could do it for hours. And I would do it

for hours. Yeah. I often think now about just if I could just dump my family and find a wall and just hit balls again it forever. You know that's possible, right? Well, I'm leaning into it.

Yeah, yeah. And then they would call, they would call, and they'd say, you have a family, and I'd say, not right now. Not right now. Let me finish this. Yeah. And I would hit until the ball would pop. Right.

So I think it's just insanity. Yeah. Like, you know, serial killers just write notes to themselves for hours. Yeah. That's my note. The ball wall. The ball wall is my note to my family that, and I was thinking about it today as I drove here,

I was like, first of all, I was in a Waymo, which is not good. No. Because it's like if you called the drunkest person you know for a ride. Yeah. Because they drive so slow, they're so careful. There's no one there. And they won't go on the freeway

because they're afraid of highway patrolmen. Yeah. It's the slowest, it's just, if you want a drunk person to come get you, you just call it a Waymo. Waymo, for those of you that don't know, is the driverless car. There's a car pulls up when there's no one driving and you get in. I did one, I got in one just to experience it. And I just, for the whole ride, just said the end word over and over and over because I knew. Was that the driver's name? Well, I guess so. Yeah, you can make it anyone you hate. Yeah, I just did it for fun. What I don't like about the Waymo is.

is if someone's trying to kill you, like shooting at you, the Waymo's still going to just follow all the... It's going to pull over and give them a better aim. Maybe. It wouldn't stop because it has, you know, it has a mission. Yeah. Where if you have a real Uber driver, they're going to maybe try and get away from the assassin.

A Turkish guy knows to do that. Yeah, so that's my problem with Waymo is if you're getting shot at, you're going to be killed. That's a really good point. I want to ask this with regard to tennis, though. Okay, look. When do you know, because for other sports, you can kind of see this, when do you know you're actually pretty good?

When you win. When you start winning. So you're doing tournaments? Yeah, you're doing tournaments, and you just start winning. And you're like, all right, I'm... But I never got to that stage. Of what? Winning.

You did too. You know, not enough to... that people would people don't know that I was great you're great tennis player well I could have been the best in the world yeah

but I just pussy yeah women fucked that up did they yeah look at me look at me uh yeah

so you'd be you'd arrive for a tournament and then see a skirt I'd barely arrive yeah I'd still be chasing the girls yeah and I'd never win the first set because I like to dig a hole to climb out of

So everything I did was counterproductive to winning That's a real artist right there Yeah, it's like A lot of matches I just I dig a hole Yeah Because I wouldn't stretch

I haven't stretched In my life Really? Yeah, and you know that Like if I have to do more than 20 minutes of stand-up It's going to be Start to feel like work

Yeah So I'm as famous Famous as 20 minutes can get you in life. Right. Like you're famous. Uh-huh. This is your podcast. Right.

I came here reluctantly. Right. Yeah. No, I appreciate it. I don't want to be here. I know. I don't want to be anywhere. Yeah.

I don't mind talking to you any place where there's no cameras or people hearing us. Well, we have to edit so much. Yeah, that's the problem. I know. So. And people wonder, like, why do you have to edit? Well, because prison cellmates know not to speak in front of the warden, you know. Any conversation I have, I imagine that someone's listening.

Yeah. And that I'm wired up. And that if I say something wrong, it could end. Let's talk about something fun. Aren't we? Bundy's fun. Yeah. He had a twinkle.

He had that hunter mentality. Yeah. I mean, I only do location. with you if I've known he's been there. Yeah, I know that's why we're going this weekend. Yeah, it's going to be fun. Did he do some work up there? I don't know, but I mean, truthfully, where didn't he do some work?

He's so... You know who did some work up there? Is Ed Gein? Oh, Eddie. Eddie. Little Eddie G. It's nice that we have... Mama.

We have that in common. He loved his mom. Yeah, he adored her. Dug her up. I love mine. Yeah. Did not kill her, but she appeared to be dead for most of her life. Did she?

Yeah. That was a gift my dad had just driving people into seclusion. That's, um, yeah, my mom makes me want to be dead. I don't know if that's a spin on that. Sometimes I look at your mom and she already appears stuffed. You know, you know who looks just like my mom right now? One of those dried up apples? Bon Jovi.

Oh, shit. I think it was Amy Miller texted me this photo and she's like, oh, she goes, you know who? Wait, Amy Miller has your number? Yeah, she texted me. I like watching your mom when she gambles. That to me is pleasant. My mom?

Oh, that's when she's at her happiest. Yeah. Did your mom have a thing like that? Did she like, you know? I don't know. My mom never left the house. Really? I don't remember her going very far.

She'd go to the market, but... She had, what, five? she had five yeah but look there's so she did go to the hospital oh my god that's bon jovi is she on the right or left that's that looks like charo it really does holy shit it does look like charo wow that's crazy that's the evolution of rock stars yeah at some point they look like an 80 year old latin lady an aunt they all just fade into that yeah it's it's because they they're vanity like they have to stay real thin rock stars like to stay thin they don't eat and then they have they want to have crazy hair yeah but your hair starts to just do weird things as you get older yeah

stephen tyler just looks like a crazy beautiful older woman yeah she's frightening yeah it's frightening alice cooper what's that to the right there is that a christmas tree i think so we never had those no no what did you have um um It was a tree that my dad would cut a limb from this tree in the front yard. A limb? A limb, brother. And then prop it up? Prop it up.

He wouldn't lay it down. It would still be propped up enough where you could put a present under it. That's awesome. I basically grew up, I would say, in the 1700s. Now that I think about it. Yeah. My dad just didn't like to spend much money. he'd always just have a few dollars in his wallet and he would take it out and you know but it was only like two or three dollars but that was his big takeaway

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And as always, please enjoy responsibly and thanks to Indicloud for sponsoring this episode of today's two bears. I love you guys. My grandma lived upstairs. I didn't know that. Shit, no one did. She was in a box.

No. my grandma lived upstairs well my dad married my mom and then just moved in with her and her mother okay which is exactly what i did yeah i'm following the the tradition of not working yeah of milking a woman so i come from a long line of that just a long line yeah that's what it was but grandma lived upstairs and the phone was upstairs or down in a, called a lath house, which was L-A-T-H. Never heard of that. Well, you wouldn't unless you grew up in the 1700s. Okay.

Okay. But that's where my mom slept down in this Lath house. Really? Yeah, my dad, they didn't sleep together. Okay. It showed you the appeal of my father. So, yeah, my grandma would hit the floor and she'd say, telephone. and I'd have to run almost half a block down to this Lathouse.

To get the phone. To get to the phone. You don't want to go upstairs. You don't want to see Grandma. No, no, no. But if it was for someone else, then you had to run back? Well, they'd say who it's for. Oh, okay.

Kirk, telephone. Okay. And then I'd run down to the Lathouse and I'd get the, I got a grandma. And then sometimes she wouldn't hang up. And you'd be like that. And that's when you knew she was plotting, murder. But yeah, that's the life I grew up in And the shower was outside

Yeah So I had an outdoor shower How close were you to the beach? A mile. A mile, okay. But I do like outdoor showers. Yeah. There was one at the foot of Law Street

In Pacific Beach, an outdoor shower. So I'd swim and then I'd take this shower. But I liked it because you could look at beautiful women while you shower and pee. Oh, yeah. So that maybe is what started the dementia by looking at women and just peeing in your swimsuit while looking at them making eye contact.

I remember peeing on this girl in high school and, man, I didn't realize that it would be so empowering. Like it felt, it was such a great feeling. You were probably sad when you stopped peeing. Oh, I was. Yeah, that's like hitting the tennis ball against the wall. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, when I pee on women, it's hard to stop.

It's hard to stop. Same with choking them. Yes. And I didn't choke any. I'd heard about it and I was like, that's crazy. And then the first time a girl, she told me to. Yeah. I guess I didn't know you kind of like.

Have to stop. See, that's the problem. Yeah. Because I've done it before and just kept going. Yeah, I also didn't know that like... And I said, did you like that? And she was on... I think she was out.

So then you have to know CPR. You got to start slow, so you're supposed to just kind of... And I just went for a 10. I was just like, oh, I thought you wanted me to kill you. You're an athlete. When I choke a girl, I say, you know, I want you to know this could end bad for one of us. Yeah. That's why I start on pillows.

Uh-huh. But choking, that's empowering also. Oh, my God. If I could find a woman that I could just pee on and choke all day, I wouldn't even need to play tennis anymore. No, I know. I know. I know. That's a problem with my wife, you know, she makes me, you know, pee outside.

It's the worst. Yeah. I do have a pea tree. You do? I do have a pet tree in my backyard. I love peeing outside. Every time I would go out there, no matter what, it could be raining. I go to this peatry.

And Jaron hated it. Yeah. Until I shit you not, she saw her water bill dropping. Really? Yeah, because you stop flushing. Right. So if you're peeing outside, you're just killing trees. There's one tree that was an avocado tree that was strong.

Avocados every year. And then once I've married her and moved in, no more avocado. And no one could figure out why. Why does this thing stop producing? Why is this more of a lime tree now? But yeah. And my daughter, you know, I have a kid, I think. Yeah, yeah, I think so.

I think I've seen her. Yeah. I don't really know, because when I'm out on the road with you, I don't talk to them. Right. When I leave the house to come to you, the family's dead. Yeah. Is it tough?

For them? I meant for you. Okay. It might be tough for them, but I don't know because we don't talk. When do you talk again when you arrive back? Maybe. Yeah. I'm hoping I don't have to.

Yeah. If I feel in my brain, if I don't talk about marriage, it'll go away. It's like when you talk about something, it gives it strength. Yeah. I keep it hidden. Hidden, yeah. But Addison, which is her name, I found out. Uh-huh.

Whenever I would go pee on a tree. she would pee on a mound with me. Really? Excuse me, yeah. And it was the only thing we really had in common. Pissing on stuff. Pissing on stuff. And it ties back to, you know, you like peeing on women.

Yeah, 100%. And she would be on a mound about 20 feet away. She wasn't ready for the tree because it's kind of on a slant and I have to find right balance to pee on this tree. Yeah. When I pee now, I put my hand. on my waist. Oh, that's a power move. It's a real king thing. Like when you, when you pee, you take your pants down still, right? Right. Yeah. So that's how I pee. Yeah. But Addison

would stand up to pee. Wow. She would never squat. Which shows me, and I don't know if you know this, that women don't have to sit to pee. Yeah, they don't. That's just a lazy. Yeah, they're just all. That's a power move. Such dumb broads. They can just stand and just Fire it out. And you shoot it out. And I did not know this until I watched, you know, a four and five year old just, and she has strong calves. And she can pee, you know, standing up. That's amazing. Like her mom, a drunk sorority girl. I didn't know about that either until I saw, I saw a woman doing that. And it was just rocketing forward. I was like, oh, yeah, why are you sitting all the time? The best part of this is I would put Addison in the shoes with flashing blinking lights on them.

Yeah. Because when we'd pee at night, I'd often fantasize that a coyote would grab her and run with her. Uh-huh. And I wanted to tell the cops where... Which direction. Which direction. That makes sense. And we also have a California condor in our backyard.

And I often fantasize about the condor grabbing my wife and kid. And just leaving with them. Just leaving. Yeah. And that's, you know, a great way to go. Yeah. California Condor. I mean, it's front page, L.A. Times.

They're almost extinct. So cool. As my family also. Almost is, yeah. Yeah, so that's who I am. One thing I learned in high school about, I learned about consent, because the first time I didn't, I didn't ask. Wait, what's this word? Consent, you're supposed to be like, is this cool to do?

Because I just peed on somebody. Who do you get that from? I guess the other person. What? Yeah. I'd never. It was a new thing. That's something I have to...

But she was laying there and she was asleep and I was like, all right, I'll just relieve myself, you know? It was a whole thing. It was cool. Now, was this intercourse or pee? This was just pee. Okay, so...

But it woke her up, you know? That's good. I think she needed... I think she was late for something, so I kind of helped her in a way. Did you stand to pee on her? Yeah. Now, were you sleepwalking or is this just...

No, I was just, I was awake walking, and I just saw a... A girl asleep and you peed on her. Mm-hmm. So that's a territorial pissing. It was, yeah. That's a Bundy move. I thought it was a nice way of like,

it's sort of the equivalent of giving someone a note, you know? Hey, I like you. I think I was doing that in a way too. I do like that. I don't, I'll be honest with you, Tom, right? Yeah. I don't pee on enough people.

You got to up your game. Yeah. Yeah. We could do it this weekend. I'd like to. Together, that's a lot of pee. We could change some girls' life. Definitely her speech pattern.

That's what you... Oh, man. B.K. I was watching his new documentary. Did he make this himself? I don't think so. It was a... Do people know who B.K is? Well, if you don't know. It's not a breakfast sandwich. It's not a breakfast sandwich. It's not...

There's a new doc on Netflix called My Father was B.T.K. or my father, BTK, something like that. And it follows mostly his daughter. And it's a great doc, which shows you that this girl was like 20-something. She was like married with a kid the day she, like her dad got arrested. So that'd be like my family. It would be like your family, yeah. And they just knock on the door and they're like, hey, we just arrested your dad.

He's BTK. And they're all like, what? They completely were thrown by it. not think it was true. And then, well, obviously then you kind of, he was the city controller too. And I hear the thing. He liked controlling and killing. He did. And I feel like one of the things that is not talked about enough in the press is the guy was really good at his job. And I think he doesn't get credit for that. He was on top of the rules of Park City, Kansas. And he would, he would leave, you know. It's amazing how one thing can make people forget about everything else.

Why let the killing define him? And how many was it? 10 or 11? Like 10. That's not a lot. That's not that many. For a controller? Yeah.

So he held back. A hundred percent. And do they know for sure B.T.K. Bound tie kill? Yeah. Bind torture. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's even better. So the T wasn't for talk. No. There was no talking now. I bet he peed on people. Well, he definitely would wear lingerie and jack off. Well, who doesn't do that? Yeah, that's a new normal thing.

Ed Gein would also put on Mama's panties and jack off, you know? Oh, God. I'd love to have. We probably have met some of these guys. Yeah, you probably are talking to one right now. I mean, how do you really know what someone's capable of? You don't? The guy in the dating game, you remember him?

Yes. Yeah, he was a killer and came on. It was pretty charming. That was Al-A-A-Al-A-A-Sar or something like that? Yeah, that was, there we, yeah, Rodney Al-Cala, there you go. And he's got that good hair? Great hair. By the way.

That's dirt. I wear that same shampoo. Let me just tell you something. Speaking of great hair, you've got great hair. Where? Dude, look at this head of hair. Oh, I thought you said gray. No, no, great.

Yeah, this is good hair. Yeah. This is a hair of a young serial killer. Yeah. Yeah. And it just keeps coming in. I know. It's nice.

It's all I got. Oh, dude. And long eyelashes. Long eyelashes. I got green eyes, long eyelashes. Yeah. Big cock, a lot of confidence. I have everything but an income.

Well, do you really need one? Clearly, I don't. No. Like, at some point, man, I can just walk away. Yeah. I have nothing in my name. I'm a hobo at heart. Yeah.

This jacket was yours. I haven't taken it off since you've given it to me. So I just wear things till they fall off and then they become rags that I use to bind and torture. You're resourceful. If that's a word. Yeah. Is that?

Yeah, you're resourceful, you're resilient. I'm still stuck on consent. I know. So that's something you ask people before you pee on them? I guess, or if you like any type of touching, you know what I mean? That's so odd. I know, you go like, hey, is it cool if I, do this? I like to wait until after and then see how they feel about it. Yeah. And if they don't

feel good, then you can just end it. Yeah. That's something they need to work through. Then you can choke harder. Big fan of consent. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really like it. I don't like it either. So bad. As the holiday season approaches, it takes going the extra mile to stay one scoop ahead of all the strain on your system. That's where AG1 comes in. From shorter and colder days to crowded airports and holiday travel, your immune system needs all the help it can get. AG1 is chocked full of antioxidant, superfoods, and B vitamins to fill nutritional gaps. It's hard not to get lost in all the holiday meals, sweets, and snacking this time of year. Just one scoop of AG1 can offset the indulgence and give you your daily dose of whole foods.

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Everyone talks about it. The sauce? The sauce. A1 sauce. Yes. Okay. And apparently, I did not know this. Michael Kane and Matthew McConaughey sold their voices to an AI company.

But the big thing, like, a little while ago was, like, all these actors were like, oh, I don't want... But you know what's happened? That check gets big enough, and they go... Yeah, you can use my voice. Who cares? I don't care.

Nothing really matters. And also Michael Kane, 91. Yeah, he's not going to act again. That was probably his last voiceover. Yeah, for sure. For a... Do you know what they were sold for? Is there any, like, information on that?

Because I bet it's... It's got to be a... Millions. Oh, it's got to be, dude. there they are oh an undisclosed sum that's always that's always high yeah it's not

it's not a hundred dollars all my sums are undisclosed yeah how do you unclosed them I don't know yeah AI's here man also the robots that you know the blowjob robots

the blowjob robots seem like they'll be popular yeah and they don't they don't have to be tall no so you're saving money on metal yeah just knee height yeah I've seen a few where they added a tongue to one yeah and I already put in an order

I like that job like I don't want to work yeah but if I could work at an AI factory yeah and just stick my dick in robots I mean that seems like I'd get there early it's like Bro, she's not even, you know, we haven't even plugged her in. I'm like, I'll wait.

I'll wait. Yeah, I want to be first, though. You don't want to rust. No. Sloppy 23rd or 24th. Do you ever think about that, like, the age of the great serial killer is gone? Like, we're not going to have anymore because, like, DNA, fucking cameras are everywhere. It just fucks everything up.

You can't get away with shit. Yeah. You know, like you used to be able to roam the country like a hobo. Oh, God. Those were the days. Oh, man. Just slash people and just get on a train and go to the next time. Yeah.

I miss that. Tommy Lynn Sells. I mean, that guy, you know him? I'd like to. Google Tommy Lynn Sells. This guy was a bit of a knucklehead. And there he is. Oh.

Always three names, man. I know. I know. When you have that middle name, that's prominent, you're going to kill. If you click on his Wikipedia there... He seems happy. He was thrilled to be doing what he did.

What did he do? Well, he was a drifter. He claimed to kill 70 people. That's a good number. That's a good number, yeah. That's a controller. 22 states, or what is that it says? At least 22 cases.

Yeah, I mean, he was a busy boy. And he was, he's dead. you'd have him on the podcast if he wasn't oh my god i would love to interview tommy he had a real charm to him too i can tell by the photo he's got that look where girls want to meet that guy yeah man i mean even the girls in the booth are like damn he's dead that sucks something about serial killers they have that power women like to be scared yeah they do unless a woman likes to know that each time they fuck it could be the last.

Yeah. You know, so you go out strong. That is true. That's true. I like that it says at age 10, he started using narcotics at 10. Now, is that late? I guess so. Let's see.

Scroll down, because I know he used to drift. He'd, you know, yeah, he'd train hopped across the United States and 78 to 99. That's a great 20-year run. Yeah. Yeah, you can't do that now. No. Because, you know, you can't just jump on a box car. I've tried.

Yeah. I did try once. I just wanted to go. Yeah. And there's a lot of people work in the yards now. It's different. And you have to be able to jump at least five feet. Yeah.

And I don't have that spring. My back's out. I couldn't really kill because my back would kind of get in the way. Yeah. Like I'd start to kill and then I'd ask the woman to finish herself. Yeah, which is not the same. And they're like, okay, and then they don't. They don't.

It's hard to kill yourself. Scroll a little here. He murdered at least 22 people. God damn. The terrible twos. The terrible twos. And I think he did different methods, you know. Yeah, 32 caliber pistol.

And then next one. So he used what he had. He used what he's resourceful. Like you are. Yeah. Yeah. I often think what I could kill with in just about anything. You think so?

Oh, shit. I look around here, I can tie you up. Yeah, that boom box has a chain. How about this fucking thing? Oh, that's too easy. Yeah, just swing that around. Man. And what is that?

It's a weapon. I mean, you know, let me see. Yeah. Is that from high school? No, this was a gift. That's a nice gift. Someone knows you. Now, is that a butt plug?

This? Yeah. I would be for an advanced use. are probably but you imagine swinging this into someone's head that's a butt plug that once it goes in it has to stay there a while it does those are nice

I have a lot of weapons do you I like rusty things that bolts yeah if they don't kill you the tetanus will by the way we're friends with someone who we feel like might be into killing soon he's really close he's close

yeah he's close and you and you we buy we help him get the weapons. Yeah. So we're encouraging. He's this close. It might be this weekend. Oh, God. Well, Green Bay, Milwaukee, if you're going to start killing, that's a great place of stuff. That's kind of where you do it, because no one's going to investigate. No. You know, if you die in Green Bay or Milwaukee, you win. Yeah. You know, it's just an easy out. And there's, there's lots of, you know, Nate farms and, like, woods, and you can just discard somebody there. How do you think he'll do it?

that's the thing is that I see the rage growing and then you see the rage tried to be suppressed which makes it you see it physically manifest in the person yeah so I think we're going to see something more explosive I don't think it's going to be a controlled methodical kill I think it's just going to be like you know she said it's so it's so bottled up it's bottled up he's going to be like yeah she said they didn't have any ice and I just kind of snapped and I she didn't say thank you I just bastard. That's the one. If you don't say thank you to him, your life is on the line.

Yeah. And he's got weapons and now the outfit wears black. I mean, if he was still in high school, he would have already just gunned down the cafeteria. He's built for it. God. Yeah, I think it's going to be a real explosive death. But he's got a good body. Yeah.

I think in prison he'd be popular. Really popular. Just because even the prisoners would be like, God, fucking. Dude, good body, but lighten up. Yeah. I think in prison, though, you just, you can't get the protein you want. So that would probably fade, you know, because he needs a couple hundred grams a day. Yeah.

He'd fade away. Yeah. I think about prison. Do you? Yeah. I think I'd like it just because at home I have to stay up late. Yeah. To watch TV with my wife.

Do you like that? I don't like it I don't want to have to do anything Yeah Like when I'm in bed with her Watching murder I just imagine she's dead By whatever show I'm watching

But yeah I think about prison Because you get to go to bed early Nice Lights out at you know 1030 Yeah And then you just you know The screams keep you up But it's like a white noise machine

Which I like Yeah, soothing. Yeah. I like to say I sleep with a white noise machine. Her name is Jaron and she's white. Uh-huh. And every night I go to bed, I ask her about her day and I fall asleep immediately. Yeah, drift off.

Except I wake up and she's still going. So, yeah. So, yeah, I think I'm married. That's fun. That's fun, man. Marriage is good. Yeah. You know, I'm surprised more people don't do it.

I wonder what it's like at super. At Super Max? At Super what? Supermax in Colorado. Oh, the prison? The prison, yeah. I bet it's, you know, focused. Yeah.

I bet you know where you're supposed to be. El Chapo's there. Is he? Yeah, and some other real knuckleheads. Who's at Super Max right now? What are some, like, well-known prisoners at Supermax? I bet it's a who's who. I mean, it's a good list.

I would like to do comedy at, like, Pelican Bay. Yeah. I think about that. because no phones, they're quiet. Stand-up for prisoners would be amazing. I would love to do that. And their little tear drop, you know, when it moves a little, they're either laughing or thinking about murder.

Yeah. You know, so I love that. Somebody did a stand-up show, one of our friends. I forget who it was. That doesn't count. No, but they were saying... That was Jeff Ross. Jeff, and I think maybe Jeff said...

I forget if it was Jeff or somebody who told me that he was like, where are the murderers? Yeah. And it was all the front row. Oh, good seats. They put them all in the front. That's like court side. Yeah, court side seats for the killers.

And the, they weren't there because they were already dead. Yeah, that's right. They don't last long in prison. I'd have to convince the prison that I'm not a... That it was just roles I played. Yeah, yeah. True. I often think, though, Tom, right?

Tom. Yeah. Fuck. that I don't always play a sex offender but even when I don't my character is still thinking about it that's kind of it seems to always be on my mind

and it reads on camera I've seen a lot of your work I can always tell like oh that guy's an offender yeah they're like you know when I have to play a sex offender it's like you know what do you want me to do and they're like just be you Yeah, yeah. You know, just, you know.

What would you do right here? I'm doing it. Yeah. And they're like, oh, perfect. Yeah, it's just, you know. Dude, check out this list of notable inmates for Supermex. Ted Kaczynski. Oh, Teddy.

Robert Hansen, the former FBI agent convicted of espionage. Terry Nichols, who also helped plan Oklahoma City. Eric, Robert Rudolph. Do you know that after the Oklahoma City bombing? I applied to the FBI. You did? I did. I wanted to be an FBI agent.

Really? Yes, Tom. It just seems like everything I say is bullshit. Yeah. But it's true. What happened? I got pretty far along. And then one of them saw Wyatt Earp, and I had a little part in Wyatt Earp.

And so they didn't think I was serious. Serious. They thought I was just doing it as a prank. And I told him I really wanted to just be an FBI agent. That's cool. But it didn't happen. They wanted me to have. have some accounting background, and I didn't know much about numbers.

Yeah. But I like the fact that if I was an FBI agent, I could just kind of, you know, float through life with a gun. You know, my grandfather's FBI. Was he? Yeah. My dad's dad. Man.

Yeah. See, that's the advantage of a podcast like this. That would have never come up. I know. So now I know more about you. I don't need to. And then I was like, one day I was going through his papers and I found a hand-wrecked. and note from J. Edgar Hoover to my granddad.

They were dating? I mean, I think they were exchanging bras. And they were like, this one looks good on each other. That would be amazing. I bet Jay Edgar Hoover did a lot of peeing on special agents. That was a time where there was no such thing as like HR or like code of conduct. Waterproof seersucker suits. Yeah.

Who else is that? Richard Reed, the shoe bomber's there. Zacharias Musawi, the convicted of 9-11 attacks, Ramsey Yusef convicted of orchestrating the 93 World Trade Center bombing, and El Chapo. They're all at this, or they either were or are at this prison. That is nuts. I wonder if they all sit at the same table.

Yeah, that would be amazing. I mean, that's a good group of guys. Scroll down a little bit, let's see these details. So to how inmates consider the most dangerous, high-profile, greatest national security risk, making them two dangers for even a standard maximum security prison. There's only 340 inmates there. So it's intimate.

Yeah, it's close. That's where you want to be. You want to be in a prison where you know everybody. Will you Google, do they get to, or do they get to socialize? Do people at Supermax in Colorado? Do they get to, do they get, yeah. I mean, that's got to be a top question. See, prisons.

prison's a place to go. There's a lot of sports in prison now. Damn, dude. Minimal, highly restricted opportunities for social... The prison is specifically designed for isolation. Most inmates spend 23 hours a day alone in their sales. Fuck, man, that is rough. I do that.

Yeah, you like that, right? Yeah. Soundproof cells. Soundproof. You can't hear the crying. Holy shit. They're allowed one hour of wreck in a small enclosed concrete pen

This presents them from seeing the prison. So they're like rescue dogs that haven't been rescued. Yeah, they really are. And that no one wants them. They yell through air vents to communicate. Wow. That's kind of like when I grew up, because I'd have to yell up to my grandma.

You are designed for prison. I am in prison right now. Yeah. I'm wired for it. Yeah, you are. I travel light. This outfit I've had on for two weeks. I do change my underwear.

That's good. Do you know when I change them? When? When I take them off to shower and they stay standing. Oh, then you go, it's time to switch. When I put them on the ground and they don't tip. Yeah, then you're like, it's time for a chance. It's like, oh, I'll put on a freshie.

You are made to be a drifter. Oh, I am. Yeah. My dad was. Yeah. He drifted on a 1947 Indian Chief motorcycle. That's how he got around. that's cool with his dog bruce on the gas tank he had a little australian jumper and bruce wore goggles

and bruce was on the gas tank wherever my dad went that's fucking cool and when bruce turned around to my dad my dad knew to pull over and led bruce pee really on a girl if there was one yeah yeah and then when my dad would kick over the the indian motorcycle yeah bruce would come running and jump back on Holy shit. And one time, sadly, I don't know how you respond to sadness. I don't know. But my dad kicked over the motorcycle and Bruce did not come running. And my dad found Bruce.

He'd been hit by a police car. No. So my dad lifted up Bruce, put him on the gas tank and drove him home to the house where I grew up in, where the same house my mom grew up in. And he took Bruce and he dipped his hand in Bruce's blood. And he wrote Bruce on a wall of the washer dryer room. And that's where Bruce's name was on the wall. For the rest of kind of like helter-skelter.

Yeah. Little Charles Manson. Yeah. So that's why we thought my dad was probably a murderer. because he wrote Bruce. In blood. And we didn't even know he could spell. Really?

My dad wasn't much of a speller. I don't think, he kind of got his high school diploma in his 60s. Really? Yeah, he went back and thought it would maybe help him get work. But it did not. No. But he got his high school diploma at, you know, 60. Wow.

That's impressive to go back and get it, though. Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't need it. at that age. No, you don't even need it at 18. Right. But yeah, he got his high school diploma.

That's cool. He was really happy with that. Yeah, I bet. My dad was interesting. No Novocaine. He'd have teeth pulled with no Novakene. Yeah. At one time, he cut the tip of his thumb off and he said,

ah, hell. That's all he said with his buzzsaw. Jesus. So I think looking back now, since I've never really talked about this out loud, I think he was a serial killer. Yeah. I'm going to do a little more research, but it looks like maybe... Possible. Yeah, Jeff Tate also has a really good, he has like a detailed outline of why he believes his father may have been the Zodiac killer.

That's possible. It's pretty amazing. If you're going to have a good fantasy, it's nice to fantasize. You know, a lot of people wish their dad was a major league baseball player. Yeah. But, you know, a serial killer. It's great. It's great. He had, because of his size, Jeff Tate, tall, kind of lumbering. The Zodiac was a big guy.

Yeah. I see it. I could see it. What's one of the details? Do you know? Oh, my God. It's incredible. it's like when the murders began in the i think the san francisco area is the year that his the year after his dad moved to san francisco um like psychological profile things his dad was

you know a certain personality type and he's like that matched what the FBI said did his dad go back and get his high school diploma at 60 i don't know about that i don't know about that but he had a good cover he was a pastor you know so it was like sort of like btk was He was the president of the congregation, the church. I mean, his people voted for him. They were like, he's the good guy, yeah. It's pretty good stuff. Controlling, man.

Very controlling. Yeah, I mean, it would be fun to see if you can get away with something like that, right? Are you asking me? Yeah, yeah. Or, yeah, it's fun to see if you can get away with me. Yeah. It's just, I mean, I just can't believe how good the... The feeling is?

No, I meant how good the forensics are today. Yeah, we can, if you're going to kill today, you should know that you're probably one and done. That's the thing, and that's the real bummer. That's why we don't have any. The bummers, you have to do it all in one night. You do, or, and this takes real discipline, and this is why we don't see this as much anymore.

You have to have no pattern. You have to be, like, so disciplined, that you're going to kill someone in Maine, and then your next one, instead of, like, sticking to the neighborhood you know, the next one's going to be in, like, South Carolina. So they don't tie these together. But, like, who has that level of commitment, discipline, perseverance?

Hopefully, someone listening to this... Goes, A. And it goes, like, Tom is right. I'll do one in Maine, and then I'll go down to Miami. Yeah. That's how you can start building numbers. And you're also collecting miles. That's true.

So you can fly free to your last murder. Yeah. That's when you get greedy. Or there was, who was the guy? Did you know the guy? I think his name is on the wall at the comedy, Comedy Magic Club. Uh-huh.

That signature is there. And he was a Star Search comedian that was like had some, he had some keat with him. And then they found out that he was assaulting people on tour and they tied it together by putting together you know what i'm talking about yeah he was yeah yeah after shows he'd someone in and they were like oh this lines up with everywhere he was doing stand-up that's not bad was it people at his show i don't know i really don't know because i try and make sure it's no one i know i don't yeah i i i never met the guy it was before my time but i forget

his name. Can you find it based on that comedian? Just Google comedian and scroll past me. I'm kidding, man. I get that word. What is it? Consent? Vince Champ. That's his name. Oh, isn't that the Shamwow guy?

It's a different guy. Oh, okay. Same outcome. Hit his wiki. yeah now where is he is he in 30 to 40 years is he in jail yeah he gets released in 2033

oh after which he will begin consecutive life sentences in Iowa never mind he's not getting out wait so that was a plus murder I don't know it first place in comedy funny guy first place yeah so he's the champ

Vince champ is a champ yeah it's tough when your name dictates what you do with your life i know let's see physically attacking his 17 year old girlfriend in 96 he was 35 at the time nice nice um and then here are the attacks linked to champ university of iowa uh he did one in lincoln where so these are college gigs he's doing college gigs yeah which means he might have had a clean act Which is like, I'm telling you, these clean comics are the scariest dudes on the planet. Yeah. The guys that don't.

Because once they get off stage, they've been murder. Well, yeah, they suppress so much of their darkness. Like our friend that's going to murder. Pretty soon. God. Let's see this. So he was arrested fleeing the scene of an attempt in Pasadena. He was arrested at his apartment in Hollywood.

He was arrested at Newark Airport. So he was getting around. He was getting around. So he was on the road. And, oh, at the time they said his booking agents commented that his schedule resembled a roadmap of where these crimes occurred. Yeah, in prison champ taught public speaking. Oh, nice. That's cool.

He were, you know, communication workshops. I'd love to see what the picture draws if you connected all his dates. Oh, yeah. Maybe just a penis, which is, yeah. Can you Google his image and, like, maybe if there's a video. All right, there he is Doing a stand-up And he appears black

Or is that just He is, yeah, yeah, he is Now, was that a cover? I don't think so Okay, so he was black He was, yes Click on video at the top Yeah, let's see if there's

He had a tight five He must have, dude That's I wonder if he did his act While he was I want to see him do stand-up Is that? I wonder if he's doing sets in prison.

Maybe go to YouTube and type in Vince Champ stand-up. Let's see if we can... Let's just see him do a tight fight. Yeah, we got time. Yeah, I want to just see what... Oh, we've clearly have enough for some strong clips. For sure. We don't need much more.

I also like that the club kept his name up on the wall. They're like, well, he earned it. He's a funny guy. Yeah. He had some good sets here. Yeah, we're not good. Comedy and magic is clean. They are, yeah.

And he probably was a star there. He probably, I wonder if he did something in that area. Yeah. Like if he had some salmon there after a set and went on the beach. Oh, there. Is that him there at the top? He's not finding anything. I like that they didn't take any of his stuff down.

Is this him here? The other rapist comedian, that was his name of his set. Okay. Is he actually performing there or no? No, it's just music. Oh. Oh, he's a musician also. This guy keeps getting better.

He's a talented guy. Vince Champ. Man, that's quite a sentence he's got. Yeah, there had to be more. Yeah. Is real life sentence? Can you look that up quickly? I mean, that would be state by state, right?

Yeah. Because it's not a federal. It's a state. thing yeah penalties very significantly so he was good at it he was he really had a thing yeah well he was also good at stand-up

but and he wasn't murdering he was just yeah so the control guy yeah but what that means is that he's actually them right when they can't get an erection that's when they murder you oh really so you don't tell your friends

oh yeah but he was soft That's just something I know. How do you know that? I've talked to me. Oh. You know, I studied, you don't know this, behavioral profiling in college? You did?

Yes. I was going to be. See, this is another thing we've never discussed. Yeah, we don't talk about much. If we're not peeing on someone, we run out of shit to talk about it. That is true. Yeah, we don't really care about the past. But, yeah, I was going to be a behavioral profiler for the FBI.

That was what I wanted to do, like John Douglas. Yeah. Because I seem to know what serial killers are thinking. And I thought it'd be great if I could find a few. You know, it would be cool, dude. Why don't you reapply to the FBI? I should. Yeah.

Could I work like 20-minute shifts? Maybe. Yeah. I even tried, I thought about the police academy. These are all things I've thought about. Yeah. And then I just move on. Yeah, I think FBI would be cool.

You have more follow-through than me. That's why you have the podcast, and I'm here reluctantly still. Reluctantly, I know. We're almost done. We've almost fulfilled my obligation. Yes. The real problem with this was I had to take an Uber here. So I'm already out $20.

I'm going to cover it. No, I don't want your money. Okay. But usually when I'm at the hotel, Kier pays for my Uber to the airport. Right. So when you said, you know, the guy that works for you, I don't even know his name. Don't worry about it. Good hair.

Yeah. But he said, will you come do a podcast with Tom? And I didn't want to. Yeah. But here I am, out 20. We've had some fun. There's been some laughter. Yeah.

I'm sure police and FBI have taken note of this. Sure. This is kind of like he's so obvious. Maybe he is a killer. Yeah. That's kind of a way. That is kind of a way. It's like, oh, well, he's so obvious.

Of course he's not a killer, and then he turns out to be, like basic instinct. Hiding in plain sight. Yeah. Like, I've opened my legs twice and no underwear, but no one noticed. No one noticed, yeah. That's a little basic instinct. That is. Consent.

I love that word. You've got to be a good community member, you know. Controller. Yeah. You know what you need to do next. I can't wait until my daughter turns me in. That will be a thing. You got to do some, you got to do some, like, community service type of thing as more cover, you know, like volunteer.

I do a lot. Do you? When my child was in early school, what is it, kindergarten and things. Something like that, yeah. I would go there and I would read books to her classroom. Yeah. And she went to, like, Jewish school. Jesus, why?

I did not know my. daughter was Jewish. Oh, you didn't? I still don't. But I noticed a lot of people at the school had on the hat, the little circle. And I asked my wife, oh, Temple Israel. Okay. And that should have been a giveaway.

Yeah. But I would read to the school. So that's a pretty good cover. That is a good cover. Like, oh, he loves reading to children. Yeah, that is a good one. And some would sit on my lap and then the parents would quickly lift them off. Yeah, yeah.

so I think a lot of this shit will come back to haunt me if I had shame right but you don't I don't no my favorite character was blade in community uh-huh Brita's boyfriend I was a carney and I had no shame and that's why I was getting all the the chicks yeah because I took a bolt in the head, and it eliminated shame. Prefrontal cortex? Probably. Yeah. I didn't finish med school, but I started.

Yeah. I did a week at med school. Look what we got. Okay. We should go out on this. Yeah. A different from most black comedians because I have a black girlfriend, so, you know, I am. People got that back there.

Charmy? Charming? I really do consider myself quite. different from most comics. I'm a stand-up comic, travel a great deal. Don't drink or smoke. Can you believe that? Do a little heroin on occasion. Don't...

But it's a wacky world. We live in a new age. Dayton's getting expensive. Everyone's dating. We're married right here, right? Is that right? We're a married couple? Dayton's getting expensive. I can see white people go ahead and get married. Geez, 75 bucks for dinner. 50 bucks for drinks and dancing. 10 bucks for the motel. Sounds just like Obama.

That doesn't include the hundred bucks you've got to pay her. I mean, you know, I can get up. It's well crafted. Well, confident. That's a wrong. All of our home appliances are going to be talking back to us. Home appliances talking back to us. Kind of scary?

Bix your vacuum cleaner getting real mad at you one day. You want me to suck what? I might snag a few of these jokes pretty good. He's not going to need them. Definitely not. I bet this guy has one regret. I don't know if that sits too well with me. You know, that means it means they might have to change the N-A-C-P to the N-A-A-A-A-A-A, which to me kind of sounds like, nah.

He's killing. And that's just one regret, I bet, that he did not kill the women. You know, people do that I sound Caucasian every now then. Sound Caucasian, kind of silly, I suppose. I guess it does come in handy every now and then when I'm on the phone with the bank, trying to get that loan approved. I miss him. Cops have no sense of humor.

Are cops always mad, always upset, always cheat off? I would have liked to have open for him. That'd be fine. I'd just wait in the car. And then hear about it. He's driving just past the club here the other day. Doing about 70, squirving, but mind in my own business. He's charismatic.

I'd have trouble saying no to him. I said, I'd have trouble saying no to him. I said, I'd, no man, give me a break. I've been drinking. a few lives? Where are you coming from, wise guy? Oh, I just dropped your wife off. I could see him with the comedy of Magic Club.

Oh, he's crushing, dude. Yeah, he would be great there. What about the flashlights cops? Flashlight scots carry out. 145 D cell batteries. You know what I'm talking about? Catch that baby just writing like a freaking possum there. Aren't you just kind of frozen there?

Doing faces, physical stuff. Jesus. Clever writing. We got to start a petition to get him out. I'd be honest, it's a shame he got caught. Yeah. He'd be doing movies right now with Eddie Murphy. Oh, yeah.

Right Charles now. Is that the deal? Don't turn away. God. Well, here's the question. Yeah, we've seen enough. I get it. Yeah.

He's good. He's good. Do you think, and we can go out on this, do you think someone that night? The night? That night. Oh, that night. That's set.

Oh, maybe it gives him pep, you're saying. Yeah. I think when you crush is when you go. When he's at his highest. Yeah. That's why I'm always pretty mediocre. I ride in the middle just to avoid. Because he probably, if he did poorly.

Fuck. I can't get it up. Yeah. But on a great set. Shit, always dripping. That's why I'm an edger. Yeah. That's true.

Okay. Well, this was a fun chat. Yes. We, I learned a lot. Yeah, me too. I have stuff about you. We've been talking, we talk like every day for years. I didn't know this stuff.

Yeah, but it's mostly urine-based. Yeah, this is like a deeper. So, yeah, I'm a college graduate. I've had hopes and dreams. Yeah. FBI. I have wanted to do all the things that most serial killers want to do. Yeah.

Law enforcement. You know, my marriage is a cover. Mm-hmm. It's all that shit. It's all that shit. And I think, you know, even though you didn't get into the FBI, I feel like the FBI is going to get a hold of this episode. I'll let them.

And you might hear from them. I might finally get to be in the FBI. Yeah. At least there are offices. Exactly. Yeah. You might get to see the inside of the interrogation room. Oh, shit.

Here's the dream. Tell me. Cellmate with Vince Champ. Oh, wow. Let's find out where he's at. and maybe if I can request it. Imagine the stories you guys would swap. Oh, Jesus.

Kid can dream. Well, thanks, Kirk Fox. Appreciate you coming in. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tom. I hope you guys found this enlightening. And yeah, we'll see you soon. See you in prison. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of swat the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call two bears one cave.