2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - New Year New Roast | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

SPONSORS: - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code BEARS. Visit https://bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. - This January, quit overspending on wireless with 50% off Unlimited premium wireless. Plans start at $15/month at https://mintmobile.com/BEARS. - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears It’s the final Winter Bears of the season, and Stavros & Chris are ringing in the New Year the only way they know how: complaining about first class, overeating pastries, and making terrible life decisions! As 2025 wraps, the boys reflect on blown resolutions, chaotic travel plans, New Jersey “vacations,” and Chris’ catastrophic decision to roast the entire Jersey Shore cast. Plus: Delta lounge politics, childhood SNL trauma, double-the-bread-double-the-head, and Stav helping Chris talk through the worst career choice he’s ever made. Grab a croissant, buckle up, and celebrate the end of the Winter Bears era as we begin a new year! https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2 https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 321 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ https://www.stavvy.biz/ https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling problem? Call one eight hundred Gambler. In New York, call 8778-HOPENY or text HOPENY (467369). In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit https://ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (Kansas). Pass-thru of per wager tax may apply in Illinois. Twenty-one plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive Bonus Bets which expire in 7 days. Minimum odds required. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see https://DKNG.co/audio. Limited time offer. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:09 - First Class Complaints & Latent Homo Things 00:09:00 - New Years Resolutions 00:18:27 - Roasting The Jersey Shore Cast 00:28:45 - Workshopping Roast Jokes 00:39:43 - This Is Probably A Dumb Idea 00:45:02 - The Jersey Shore Photo Roast Session 00:51:31 - New Years Plans & NFL Roasts 00:55:00 - More "Fan" Questions 01:03:37 - Final Thoughts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers. Welcome to the fourth episode of the Winter Bears. The finale. The finale. Now, very similarly, we have people, the big wigs from YMH, the behind the scenes guys, are all here to try to talk us into doing a show permanently on the network.

And what is the answer going to be? The answer is a resounding no Absolutely not Chris you're already looking for houses in Texas You're ready to move to Austin You're ready to fucking completely change Right You're ready to go

Nah This has been a great time Right I've enjoyed hanging out here in the studio They have a lot of amenities They do They have a whole staff They do

I'm actually pretty sluggish Because I have I've continued to crush pastries They have a lot of they have a lot of snacks here. Right. I had way too many croissants. Sure. So I'm bringing in 2026. This is 2026 after all, Chris. I'm bringing in sluggish. Yeah. And I'm ready to get home to beautiful New York City. New York City. Now, I'm ready to hold hands with you on our Delta flight back. Oh, dude, I hope. What seat are you, do you know? I'm 5D. I'm 3A.

Damn. But we'll still hang. I'll ask, I'll ask my seatmate to switch. Yeah. Yeah. So you and I could sit next to each other. Now, here's the, let's be on. Well, you can't even, here's the problem, you know, not to start, I mean, would it be an episode of, would it be a run of two bears without talking about the fact that we're in first class and complaining about it? Yes. The one of the downsides in first class, you can't as easily secretly suck your friend off sitting next to him.

Almost like, yeah. Because there's real partitions there. Yes. Back in the day, you could do sneaky gay shit if you're in the back. Yeah. Back of the day, I was always, I was like being near the bathroom because I thought maybe people, they were the least desirable seats so if any middle seat is going to be open

as a fat person I would get the one right by the bathroom and the worst was when it's a full flight and it smells like shit and you're rubbing thighs with another grown man but a lot of times it would work out for me and I would have a whole road to myself and I could get through

by the way I'm the guy shitting so someone's shitting in an airplane it is an insanely fat guy who got way too much Popeyes at the fucking at the like food court because once you're in once you know you're flying there's no nutritional law zero rules you cry i fucking i wouldn't used even when i was broke i would probably spend more on snacks and even because i used to find

the most budget flight i could yeah and then i would go and spend like 40 dollars on harabo gummies and fucking fried chicken and shit i've almost missed flights i've been they've called my name when i've been in line at chick flay and i've just been like come on i need my fucking nuggets. And I literally was just fucking running to get it. Nothing better than watching a fat guy run to his flight. Yeah. One of the best things you could see if you're just like sitting there, you know, I'm in the terminal, just wait and then boom. A guy who does not usually run, you can tell. You're like, this guy is about to pop. Like an ACL is on the verge of being just completely pops. And then my physical therapy degree pops up. I'm like, yeah, I can run over there.

Oh, I need a fucking massage. I'll do it up, dude. My shoulders are fucked up. Now, I think, I think, I think, well, what are we going to do? When we get there, are we going to go into the Delta lounge? They got some nice food and snacks there, all freebies. I have lost, this is, you know, I've become, I have lost my Delta privileges. Wow. Yeah, I'm becoming a man of the people yet again. Well, lucky you, I have.

You have a guest? I've only, I've been hardcore with the, I've leaned in to Delta. I'm like, freaking, you know what I mean? Delta Special Forces. Yeah. I can get a plus one. So you will be my honored, esteemed guest. Thank you.

Wow, it'll be nice to be back as somebody's fucking guest. Yeah. Now, I will tell you that, you know, Austin, the flights from Houston to New York City are much, they give you the better planes. They give you the shit-level planes at Delta from Austin to New York. Austin is this bubbling city, but they don't treat it like that in the airport. Houston, they'll give you first class. Houston to New York is Delta One. Lay down beds and all that. This one is not even close to that. It's partitioned off tight spaces. Wow. Now, and also we have no opportunity to fly into LaGuardia. We have to fly into JFK, which is the worst airport. I hate it. I'd rather be in the back of a car with JFK. You'd rather be wiping off viscera and brain matter from your lapels than fucking flying into JFK.

I really despise it. And it just takes a lot longer to get to your home, to my home. And I do feel like if we're, as you mentioned, if we're going to complain about sitting first, class and the privileges that come along with that, this is the show to do that. This is the platform where you do that. It is the perfect two bears topic to complain about first class stopping you from doing gay shit. It's kind of every element of the program. Yes. We're too rich to explore our latent homosexual desires now. Right. Which is a problem. Which is a problem. And by the way, which won't be able to stay latent for long. Right. You know, like, I don't know. I

I think I'm past it. I think if you had caught me, I could have been groomed into a gay lifestyle, you know. I could have been, if somebody, if I found somebody some older man who wanted to, you know, lean me out, treat me like his little fuck pig. Yeah. And then make me, you know, he buy me stuff.

Yeah. Put me on a exercise regimen when I was broke. Yeah. He might have, you know, if his dick wasn't too big. Sure. It wasn't too much of a hassle to suck him off. There's a guy. There's a guy who's looking up to you right now.

in like his early 20s, who sees a lot of himself in you. Right. And you kind of just said that to him. And he is in perfect. He's hoping that happens to me. Well, no, he's hoping that that happens for him. That's what I'm saying. Right.

And so what he's saying to himself is, okay, so what I could see him eventually getting in line with Tim Dillon. Right. Tim Dillon. What I just described is what Tim is looking for. Is exactly. You never be hilarious. If Tim started, if you've seen behind the candelabra where Liberachi makes

all his boyfriends look exactly like him? What if Tim took all these fucking twinks and started feeding them until they got fat as shit and like forced them to look exactly like him so they could fuck a carbon car made them smoke cigarettes so they'd get a gravelly voice.

They're all wearing Balenciaga. Yeah, huge sunglasses. He just has a fucking, he has an army of like fat guys and fucking designer sunglasses who he fucks in the ass. Yeah. But no, I think Tim's tastes

are to the twinkish side of things. Yes, they are. Yes, they are too. Twink. So we're not necessarily his type, but... You don't think you could have ever been convinced to be gay man's sexual play toy? I mean, dude, I mean, what do you... That's foundational Catholicism.

So, I mean, this is what the beginning of years are. Right, right, right. So, you know, I don't think, I think that for me, the gay stuff... Yeah, you take the body of the Lord? Yeah. You put your tongue out. Daddy? Yeah, yeah.

Give me a morsel of your body, Daddy. Just on my knees, tongue open. You're like, sir, you don't have to do that. The first time you took communion, you tried to get it on all floors. Yeah. Dude, you know what sucks about Catholic Church now? They don't give anyone the wine anymore since COVID.

You can't drink the blood of Christ. Just the body. No, you can't drink the blood of Christ. Just the Jews, not the blood. That's why, yeah, dude, that's why, you know, now we have to just take the blood of... I wonder of Greek Orthodox, because I haven't had communion in a while.

I've become a heathen. Sure. But I did grow up in the church, and they would make you... I don't, like, it was one spoon, and they would put a little bread and a little wine in there, and everyone eats off the same spoon. And the priest would have a little cloth and wipe it off, but... Yeah, no. Germs don't work.

And then I was like, because you'd have to often follow on a fucked-up looking old... Because people who love commere, the old, the elderly. Yeah, yeah. And you would have to follow a really fucked-fucked-up mouth having an old-mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Oregon Trail mouth. Yeah, yeah, I don't love that. The Kalamata Trail. And I asked my mom, I was like, what the, like, I don't want to, this lady's germs are on it. She was like, God disinfects it with his powers. Yeah, come on. So, like, God's down there, like, zapping every fucking communion spoon in between. He would be pretty busy. Yeah, dude. When I went to counsel in my whole life, they would say, like, you know, we would study for the test, and then they would say, but the most important part of it is you just pray to God to give you the answers. So I would just. I would. just getting a 10 on my SATs.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm praying. I'm praying. You're not praying hard enough, of course. God answer your prayers. You're in Nassau Community College. There you go. Now, it's New Year's Eve. It's time to think about New Year's resolutions.

Sure. You know, goals for the year. Mine, go ahead. Well, I had a New Year's resolution last year to not cancel any comedy shows to stay committed to what I say I'm going to do. And then I've, I canceled the last quarter of. all my shows this year. I just said, nope, I'm not going.

I canceled Seattle, Vancouver, Portland. Wow. And I love, shout out the Pacific Northwest, great comedy towns. Great comedy town. Shout out all those people. Shout out to people of Columbus, Ohio that I canceled on. I have no problems with any of these towns. I love these towns.

I just got to a point where I said I can't, I just don't want to leave the family anymore. I don't want to be multiple times zones away. It feels too far. I am now on a quest in 2026, 27, to do shows just primarily in the original 13 colonies is what I've thought of as this would work for me if I'm on the eastern seaboard. So if you're in one of the original 13,

there's a high chance I'm coming to you. I hope you'll come see me. And I don't mean to neglect the other parts of the country, but just mentally with my family I just feel like I'm too far away and it's not good for me my mental state. So I'm looking to stay home. Okay, that's beautiful. A lot of jokes about the Atlantic Ocean. Sure. You know, a lot of regional stuff. Founding father material, you know, all that stuff, dude. Start shitting on the Algonquins, the Iroquois. Yeah, how fucking, how gullible they were.

Who gave us, who traded Manhattan? The Lenape. The Lenape. And the only reason I know that is because I watch Colin Quinn's New York history. That's how all of Brooklyn learned about history is through Colin Quinn's. It's awesome. One-Man shows and him on Weekend Update. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, in the 90s. course. He was our hero. Of course. That was the closer you got to actual news. Yes. It was just Colin Quinn, a guy from the city being on weekend update. That's it. When I was a kid, I was not, when I was actually pissed. I didn't like Colin Quinn when I was a kid. What? Because you hated New York type thing? I don't know. I was because I just, he was too, like, he was more about jokes and I was a dumbass little kid. Like, what year was he, did he, was he right after Norm? Yeah, like 96, 97. I also, I also, you know it's so funny? I loved Norm, even though. I was a kid. Yeah.

And his is a very dry style. But I was, my first SNL that I loved was like that all those guys that got fired was like Sandler. Oh, sure. You know, Sanler Farley. Yeah. Yes. Norm, all that stuff.

Yeah. And I only watch it because my mother was a waitress at a Greek restaurant and she would come home with leftover lamb chops and Kalamari. And so I, and would wake up for that. I would, no, I would stay up, like, I would watch SNL. Yeah. Like, I was like fucking seven. Like, we're talking.

It was like the mid-90s when those guys were on SNL. I was literally six and seven years old. And I was staying up. The promise of Kalamari or Lamb Chop actually gave me a education and comedy. Fellas, you already know what time it is. It's time to level up. And Blue Chew just dropped something crazy. I'm talking next level championship belt gold-plated energy.

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odds required. NBA leak pass auto renews until canceled. Additional terms at DKNG.g.com slash audio, limited time offer. This episode is brought to you by Amazon MGM Studios new movie Mercy, only in theaters January 23rd. Chris Pratt and Rebecca Ferguson star in Mercy. Set in the near future, justice has a new system. Trials are now powered and run by artificial intelligence that have access to every camera, cell phone, and database. In the film, Pratt plays a detective who is on trial accused of murdering his wife. What's even crazier

is that he has 90 minutes to prove his innocence to an AI judge, named Judge Maddox, played by Ferguson. You'll be on the edge of your seat from start to finish in this action-packed thrill ride. Imagine being strapped to a chair trying to prove you didn't kill your wife. There is no human, no judge, no jury, just nuts. You've got to experience this movie on the big screen, especially in IMAX 3D. Mercy is only in theaters January 23rd. Don't miss it. Get tickets now at mercymovie.com. But I was not, for whatever reason, my eight-year-old taste, out of line with Colin Quinn. Now I'm a huge, he's the man. I love all the stuff. And I also think looking back, those updates are really funny. Oh my God, dude. They're really funny. They're epic

and, you know, he, I think like in comedy, like you have to have someone that you look up, and here's what's wild. That was our thing, SNL. You have to believe that there are little kids right now who are 10, 11, 12, 13 years old who they, you're getting them into comedy. That's really funny. Isn't that wild, dude? There's some little kids. kid right now that's like I stay up for colomari and lamb chops too i see myself in him yeah he's just watching fucking he's just on on his phone waiting yeah yeah it's funny because there's it's not tethered to any time anymore no you can just see comedy whenever you want whenever you want it's yeah yeah i hope there's some fat little child who's watching who's inspired by my comedy so i got

so new year's eve coming up i of course did the the one thing that my family asked me not to do they've worked they have one request and they said please can you just not work for the holidays. It's also, by the way, the worst gig in the world. 1,000%, yeah. So instead I've done, I'm now doing two shows at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. Great theater. Great theater. Of course, now my, you know, beautiful, you know, wife and children have, instead of being able to stay in the comfort of our home, I've now gotten them hotels in the outskirts of Red Bank, New Jersey. One of the finest tourist districts, Red Bank, New Jersey. They don't have any type of, like, nice hotels. So we're in

I swear to God, I have them in a Holiday Express. Symbolic of what their life with you is going to be like. Yes. So now they have to stay. Jasmine has to now, you know, put on her finest New Year's Eve gown and stay huddled up. You know, they're not going to come to the shows? You know, I got the, you know, little babies. We're going to have the dog with us.

So, you know. You're Siberian Husky. So now we're staying in literally two queen beds is the most extravagant I could get for $2.50 a night. It's two queen beds in a holiday and express. uh in the outskirts of new jersey and uh but i have promised that i'm not working new year's day and any really that much in january so we'll do something but that is going to be my new year's eve is uh is having to slug it out to uh count baysie theater with james madden and the great mike cannon that's a nice combo but my family is because we did it i did the paramount on long

island two weeks two years ago and you know it was a good enough time but jazz was like don't do it again and you so then i did i took last year off and then i immediately forgot what she said and booked my I booked myself I booked the show on New Year's Eve January of this year so I booked it a year in advance so I was like I'm I'm making sure to go against your wishes yes actually the first thing I do this year is make my wife yes or my not yet wife not yet wife but she's told me though that she wants to she wants me to start saying it publicly so I start to get my mind to the idea like this is what's happening and she also was like we've been together long enough

It's kind of weird for you to say my girlfriend. It is, it is. It starts to become very trashy at a certain point. Yes. To be, well, first, when you have multiple, when your kids are, like, have, like, are starting to form political opinions. Yes. And you still call the woman that you had them with your girlfriend.

Yeah. That is trash. That is a trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you live with her. It'd be one thing if you guys were divorced or, like, you know, we're co-parents. You are in a... Her name's on the deed.

Yeah, you're in a committed relationship. You have a child who's, like, a 10 years. old. Yes, yeah. And you're like, my chick. Yeah. My child's filling out college applications. I'm like, ask my girlfriend what she thinks. Now, I've done two regrettable things here. Okay. Hit me with them. New Year's Eve show, Red Bank, New Jersey. Also, I just, sometimes you just can't get away from New Jersey, can't get away from the roots. I said yes after multiple ass of me saying no, no, no, but then finally just wore me down. I am now doing, I am now roasting the cast of the Jersey Shore

in the state of New Jersey at the Borgata or the hard rock in Atlantic City A thousand people in their arena I am now I've never roasted in my life I have no idea what to do or say And I said and I said yes Because they offered me just enough money And a free weekend stay at the hard rock

Wow Is your family coming to that? Jasmine is Okay but yeah so she was like that And, but even that, I'm like, come on, babe, we'll go on a vacation. She's like, it's like, oh, it's Atlantic City. That's like, you know, Chris, like, when are, when are you going to understand that, like, a vacation in Atlantic City isn't a vacation for me? Like, you, like, you, like, you, in fucking December, January?

Yeah. In the winter, you're going to Atlantic City, yeah. Disgusting. Disgusting. She's like, you know, like, what about going to Puerto Rico and all that? I'm like, well, I don't know if they have a comedy club in San Juan. So I couldn't. I'm like, am I going to, is somebody going to pay me to make fun of Jay Wow's plastic surgery in San Juan?

I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah, so it's like, what the hell do you want me to do? And she's actually, even that's been a big gripe with her. And I do understand it now where she's like, why does every single vacation we go on as a family? Why do you have to do stand up at the beginning or end of it? I'm like, because that pays for the trip.

She's like, stop with that. Every other adult goes away and just goes away. Yeah, no one, no one, an accountant doesn't fucking go to a Marriott in Tuscany and say, hey, can I do your books for a free hotel room? Yeah. They just work before the vacation. Yeah. Like that's, that is, again, you being too stupid to understand things.

You're like, well, I have to pay for it while I'm there. And it's like, no, dude, you could just do a different. You could do a gig the week before. Yeah. And if you could go to Columbus, right, instead of canceling, you could have just kept Columbus on the books, use that money to pay for Puerto Rico. You know what I'm saying? You see how that works, Chris?

You see how we're not in a direct, you think we're in a barter economy still. Yes. We are like, can I tell some jokes for hotel rooms? I'm like, no, just give us money. I'm still living in the original 13 colony mindset. Ron said, I'm bartering with the Lenape to get goods and services to get us through the winter here, Jasmine. Do you want to get through the winter? Yeah.

We have, I have seven goats for the family. So now, so I'm actually nervous about this Jersey Shore roast because I've never roasted anyone. I've never been, because. You never did a single roast ever? Zero. And now, listen, the guys who crush out, you know, of course, like, you know, the Colin Quinn's, the Tony Hinchcliffs, the Nikki Glazersers. These guys, they're professional roasters. They do it in a way that I marvel at.

I just have never been interested in being mean to someone else. Yeah, I mean, it's just not my thing. I get it. I think the roasting stuff is really overrated. I think like I miss when it was, because the original roast is fun. It's like your friends who you shit. Like I would, the only roast I would be interested in doing is if it was like, if it's like your roast and it's like all our friends.

Yeah. And we're all shitting on each other and like a loving. way where it's like yeah you can make fun of like I just remember when when I first moved to New York roast battle was the big thing sure right and pretty much you had to get stage time anywhere you had you the way you worked your way in was to do a roast battle so I did a couple and it's like if and I did okay I roasted Ian and Nick and Mullen and they were fun those are my friends that was fun but then it got to the point where you're just roasting people you don't know yeah and it's just like you just meet up with someone and it's like and then and then you just

kind of, all right, everyone just takes turns telling each other the worst things that ever happened to them. Yeah. And then like, so a strange, you meet a stranger and they go, okay, so I got, I was seven. Yeah. My mom has cancer. You could probably get something good out of that. Yeah. And it's like, this isn't what comedy is. Yeah. And then it's also like, I know them a little bit, the cast of the Jersey Shore. And I like them and we get along and it's like, now I'm going to say hateful things about them and probably blow up the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for a stay at the hard rock. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure the hotel, uh, The casino buffet is pretty good, too.

Yeah, that's true. But, I mean, they know what they signed up for. That's true. For the roast. But I don't know. I just think it's strange to roast someone you don't. You knowing them a little bit makes it slightly better. I think it's weirder now that we just roast people we don't know it all.

Yeah. And sometimes they're all this. You just, you take a guy out. If someone's fat, you could make the same jokes about them that you do, you know. Yeah. It's just like paint by numbers. That's all it is. Where I prefer when it was like, and the great, people that are a great joke

writers can still find a couple ways around that, you know, like, but I don't know. I feel like I feel like you got to really know the people for it to be fun. Yeah. Because then it's friends busting each other's balls. Yeah. And also I'm sitting with this feeling. I booked this like a month ago. I'm sitting with this feeling like just it's the only thing that's coming up that I'm like regretting and I'm like, I'll do stand-up. I'll do stand-up for people that don't speak English. Of course. And just have fun with it in my own way. And I love doing stand-up. It's the best show you've ever done. They like you more.

They're like, yeah, this is on our level. These ideas are communicated to us. I'm like, dude, I've got to do more shows in Bangladesh. But I realized like, oh, I took a gig because I was like, oh, Jersey, sure, sure, I'll do that. And then I realized like, there's been a lot of realizations for me in this past year. I'm like, oh, wait a second. I would just immediately say yes to something because it's like you have anxiety about your career's going to go away or something like that. But now I'm trying to be like moving forward.

hey like just have some confidence in yourself and your own abilities that you'll be okay either way you don't have to say yes to every you don't have to say the majority of things you don't want to do yeah just say yes and so somebody told me you need to live 2026 like this and i'm going to tell this to the fans remember this kids if you remember it folks it's a thing some guy told chris that he has not yet put into effect in his life but just it's a thing he's planning to do yes listen up it's a thing and my and the friend who told me does live in his car but he's doing it for his own reasons he said to me the way you need to leave 2020 live 2026 is this if it ain't a hell yes it's a no wow dude what do you think of that that's beautiful man that's fucking awesome that's a really good bumper sticker yes that's my merch you're such a fucking simpleton it's crazy yeah it's so fucking if it ain't a hell yes it's a no that is being mass printed and being sold in an etsy shop

by a fucking 48 year old wine mom right now they're like who said that too often it's Bernay a clock somewhere. Yeah. They're like, who said it to? I'm like, Ricky Bobby. I like that. My personal... I actually do have a motto as well.

Okay. It's something that... It's my... It's my New Year's resolution every year, and it's double the bread, double the head. Nice.

So let's get twice as rich. Let's get sucked off twice as much. And have the numbers... Have you been doing that? No, it's unsustainable. Okay. Double... I started that when I was very broke.

and it was like, make more than $8,000 and get sucked off more than twice. And so in the first few years, I could do it. New Year's Eve is just with a prostitute. Like, I got to hit these numbers. Well, there was one. There was one New Year's where I fucked a girl at a party, like, at 1205. And then I fucked a different girl at like 1150. And I was briefly on pace to fuck 300 to fuck 725 or whatever, three,

65 times two is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. There was one day where there was one year where for one day I was on pace to fuck over 700 women. And I ended up fucking, I think, like four. Yeah.

But briefly, I was like, wow. Wow, dude. This is something. Yeah. I go to Japanese 1% better each day. You can just get 1% better each day. That's more sustainable. You're good.

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Shooting for the stars, baby. Now let me, just because it's you, obviously respected comic, can I read some of these? Please, I would love to, yes, let's get into, yeah, I was going to ask, what are your angles for the Jersey Shore? Now, obviously, you know, the angle that I want to take is to kind of be the guy that's like, look, I don't want to be here either type thing. I'm not a roaster. like kind of take the approach like this is like

I don't like that I don't like being a half measure guy either you do it or you don't but I meant like you can be a little respectful you're saying you respect their and you're like as fellow intellectuals I don't want to be roasting you

right yeah so it's more like like I want to say something like like where is it like you know like look dude like I don't I don't you know I respect you guys this is bad but I got to be honest with you I mean this is a bigger slap in the face to my heritage than if I did an Olive Garden commercial.

That's not bad. Not bad? I like that. Then I say Vinnie Guadino's here. Vinnie Guadino's doing stand-up comedy now. Welcome to the businessman. GTL used to stand for Jim Tan Laundry. Now it stands for got two or three laughs.

I don't know about that one. Okay. That one's out. Got two or three laughs. That's not G-T-L. Got-G got two or three. G-T-O-T-L. That's not G-T-L, that's G-T-O-T-L.

Maybe I can put that in the Bip, you're like, maybe that's not even right. Damn. And then... Two or three left. And then I'll say... I mean, that's a good... Making fun of him for doing stand-up is like...

Go down that angle. That's a good one, because that is pathetic. Yeah, and I was... For years, you were the one who had the most dignity and now you're doing stand-up. Now you're doing stand-up, yeah. Because he would like... I feel like he always was on his high horse

that he used to pretend he was the best one of them. Right. And it's like... you're whenever you do stand-up comedy whenever you start stand-up in your 40s you either just committed or you're like you have like tax issues yeah there's no there's no other things

well that's what I was going to say I was like in Mike the situation GTL means grant theft order tax evasion lawyers again you don't understand how acronyms work you keep adding you keep adding things to GTL Grand theft auto tax evasion

maybe that's the angle I'll just keep saying like, shit, that doesn't make sense. G-T-A-T-L. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. I'll do that. All right, then I'll make fun of MTV. I said, guys, I'm a millennial. I remember pre-internet what MTV was really for,

masturbating to rap videos and trying to finish while one of the dancers was on screen. I like that. Not bad? That is my experience. Right, it needs a little bit more. What were some of your favorite videos to jack off to? Yeah, one that comes to mind immediately for me

is the Pidi Pablo. Like, how you like it, daddy? Yeah. Remember that one? Yeah, how you like it, daddy. Yeah, fuck. There's that girl in the blue. I actually follow her to this day on Instagram.

Yeah. She's so hot. Jack, jerk off to the Biggie Smalls videos. Was it when he's dancing in the mansion? One more chance, maybe. I forgot that. This is our generation. We're slightly different ages.

So I think this is. I listen to a lot of Biggie's music. I never caught the videos. I was much more in the, I jacked off to Britney Spears videos. I jacked off to, like I said, Pity Pablo. Yeah, Drew Hill, the Thisco's, the Thong song. From Baltimore.

Yeah. So I have some real pride from that. It was very funny because I was in third grade where the thong song came out. And people were proud, but it was the Thong song. Right. I think that was there, what was the Kid's Bob version of the Thong song?

Can you guys look that up? There was one that they played in our school. Really? Yeah. All right. In the meantime. What about this one? But listen, you guys all did pretty great. I mean, great careers, families, product lines.

Meanwhile, Britney Spears is an empty mansion covered in dog shit trying to stab ghosts in her underwear. Where is Britney coming? I don't know. Also, they're not doing better than Bernie Spears. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what do you think of that?

Why Britney, bro? Just getting her in there. This is good for you. You need to feel this. Ronnie looks like a sun-dried garlic nut. I like that. There we go. There we go. Let's get back to basics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Snooki, some umpalumpa. She's pretend, she's not even a test. She's adopted.

Yeah, you know, that's like, something about her family, the one Italian family, you know, not racist. The adopted, she's, she's not even Italian, she's Latino. That's why ICE is here. No, okay. First idea. Yes. First idea, not often the best, but you're getting the ball roll. Something Latino, yeah. I mean, you could shit on Vinny for doing stand-up. DJ, Paul E. Like, you know, what else do we got? I got, yeah, see, I mean, I've wrote some real, you know, some, a few stinkers. Are any of them, or whatever happens, is Ronnie who's he, who's he, are they together still? Is anybody dating? No, Sammy. Sammy is the one that, not there? Like, got away. Like, she's, she's the one that got out. She's not, she's not a part of it. Okay. So that she's good. Yeah. So you could either, you could take a tact of either shitting on her or something. saying how she's the only one who escaped. Or I should just cancel it. Yeah.

From what I've heard so far, I would cancel. At this point, actually, can I get out of it? Yeah, hopefully. Like, is there a way? Is there a way at this point? What would you do if you were a meet? You don't want to do it. You're now realizing you don't cancel 100%.

But your name has been billed. I didn't sign a contract yet. Okay. Or maybe I did, actually. I mean, it's not my problem. What would I do? I would probably just hire writers. to get out of this?

Right. I would just be like, all right, I'm doing the gig, pay somebody fucking, you know, 10 grand who's good at this shit to, you know, pay some real money

for some good writers and just get some banger jokes. We could even workshop some stuff if it wasn't, you know, if it wasn't sprung on me, I could have maybe wrote you some jokes. But off the top of my head, I would talk about, you know,

classic steroids. Yeah. You know, like the situation, what's up with the situation's face? Yeah. He's the, you know, the, maybe he was too a situation had so much plastic surgery they wouldn't even

him in jail right maybe something like that off the top of my head he couldn't even get wrong in jail yeah yeah something like like the jersey shore has done to new jersey what covid did to wuhan yeah yeah yeah things like that what israel's doing to palestine yes what is what israel's doing yeah yeah yeah that's pretty good that's good that's good I don't know if the politics of the room will align with that, but... Gazzin hospitals. Gauze in hospitals, Israel, Jersey Shore, COVID. Yeah, good stuff, man.

Yeah. What was the one plastic surgery? He couldn't even get ripped in jail? Yeah, I don't know. I would just some... I would get something about him being wrong. Yeah. What about DJ Pauli D's from Providence?

His hair spiked up. He's a DJ. Right. Right. There is something, like, he for a long time was the coolest one of them. Yes. And it's, the clock's even ticking on him. Yes, even he's kind of like getting, you know, like, is there a nutrigenics or, oh yeah, he's going to start doing like the Neutralogelis commercials or something like that. Paul E. D. Paul E. D. Neugenics. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, neutrogensics. Newgenics for Guidos.

But is there a way, is there a way, like, how do I make fun of me? Like, how do I make fun of me? Like, how do I make How do I maintain a sense of likeability and endearing, you know, because in my stand-up, I'm always making fun of me. Right, right, right. So I can't, so that's like a thing that I- You don't want to come off as like someone superior to them. I mean, something about how you wish you were in Jersey Shore. Yeah, I auditioned, actually.

Did you for real? Yeah. That's funny right there. Yeah, I- You're like, I couldn't even, you're like, here's how bad my career is going, I auditioned for Jersey Shore. Yeah. I wish I was getting roasted by one of, I was one of you. I wish Vinny was the shitty comic.

roasting me instead of me being the shitty comic roasting him or something like that i don't know something like that but i probably i could just you could talk about how much better how much more how much better they what your jersey shore experience used to be right these guys used to be the kings of the jersey shore i would go there you know right get shit my pants whatever yeah you got you guys you guys you know you guys made all this money and did all this great work off the jersey shore and i used to go to the jersey shore and do soljol's comedy club yeah yeah yeah something like that yeah I would bomb much like I'm bombing here, you know, that good stuff. Yeah, and then, yeah, something, and then there's, and they also.

But I know what you mean, what tone, well, you want to be loving? Well, here's the problem, too. Here's what it is, is this thing. They have like Rachel Feinstein is on it and a couple other comics, but they have this bill, this went out, the marketing, this went out, the Jersey Shore roast featuring Chris DiStefano. So I'm the last one up, and it's this whole thing where, like, Vinny's coming in, like, okay, you guys thought that was good.

waiting now I'm bringing in the closer and it's me and I'm you have to pretend you got some kind of disease you think I have to get out of it now I would try and get out of it you're the last guy the last I mean I you know who else is on it Rachel all I know is Rachel Feinstein and like Eric Della Sondro okay is the only one I know you're in literally the worst spot you could possibly yeah this is actually not yeah look what is it you're the only person advertised on this So, along with more surprised guests. Comedy star. And don't miss a very special performance from comedy star, Chris Stefano.

I mean, could I, I mean, listen, dude, at the end of the day, I mean, we could do whatever, you know, I'm in control here. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to do it. But the question is, should I just do it? Yeah, I would just work a lot harder on it than what you have so far. Unfortunately, you said yes. You camp back out of it now. But what I could do, do you, here's the thing, here's the thing.

I've never asked, I've never been the guy, you know, you and I've been friends a long time, I've never asked you to like do, like promote anything for me or right? I've never, so could I go into my friend group, you, Sam Morrill, Mark Norman, heavy hitters, Colin Quinn, and say, guys, Colin Quinn definitely not. I just need some help. Could you imagine texting Colin? Hey, Colin, Colin, I'm in a real tight jam. I'm in, I'm writing, I can't figure out jokes to roast the Jersey.

sure with. Can you help me? Yeah. One of the fucking best comics. Yeah, ever. Who's doing, who's doing like historical one-man plays? You're like, I need jokes about steroids and botched plastic surgery. I'm too stupid to come up with him. Can you help me? Can you imagine what we would say to you? Yeah, he would be texting him. Infuriated. But I think you could definitely ask, but you should also go to the people that like, because here's the other thing. Here's another reason I don't really like these rows. It's everyone hires writers. Right. It's not genuine. Right. It's like, it's who has the better relationship with writers. And so I, you know, you could go to people who've been, like, I would, what I would do is just, if I were in your position, I would just get writers.

Because this is, you've, this, if you do these shows, you kind of have to get writers. You write your own stuff, obviously, but go to the best, the, you know, Mike Lawrence did it for years. Yeah. J.P. McDade, you should honestly hire J.P. Zach Miko. But I'm telling you, JP, I mean, you might not be able to get it because J.P. is probably writing for the Golden Globes right now. you should go to like some of the best and at least get a little brainstorming session going something you know unfortunately this is not one you can wing you gonna because if it was stand-up

if they said hey go out there and do someone to stand-up i know what i'm doing yeah i have sets based on that i can jump to the crowd but this is your behind the podium you have they're expecting roasts so i and going last all the all the low-hanging fruit has been taken early yeah like the best spot to go in a roast is like second or third or fourth yeah like right in the middle but when people aren't too tired someone goes first they get the worst spot and it almost feels like

if you're going to be the last guy on the roast like who they wanted like you need to get someone like a Jeff Ross like someone who really wanted Jeff Ross and they could not they couldn't get him

and then and then Schultz didn't answer them and there was definitely a list your first my first red flag on why I should have said no to this is the initial offer came from Dino

who owns a club called Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant New Jersey so that is the first problem when Dino from Uncle Vinnie's reaches out. Wasn't that the club where they threw a fucking beer can at Ariel Elias from voting for Biden? Yes. She said, I voted on the Biden and they threw a full beer can at her head. Yes. And that's the guy who said, we need to Stefano. And I said, you know, I'm here for you, Dino, baby. So. Honestly, good club.

Great club. Great pasta. Yeah. But there is a point now where I've reached, we are now very close and it is at the point now where do I just say I'm not doing it it's I feel like you it is too late do I just say at this point do I need what is this going to do for my career other than make it you worse the job yeah I mean no no you are in a no win situation and now all you can do is not lose right that's basically what it's come down to so but don't embarrass yourself but your point is is because they're going to tape they're probably going to tape this this is going on the show this is going on MTV's the Jersey Shore you'll be immortalized. Luckily, no one

really gives a fuck anymore about the Jersey Shore. Now, do you, but you think at this point, although I have watched a couple of the reunions because it's very nostalgic. If you're in that age, I can, I think the first season of Jersey Shore before, because afterwards it was kind of spoiled by celebrity. Yeah. But that first season

where no one knew who they were and they were so desperate for fame, but they were their legitimate selves before outside influences forced them to act a little different one of the best seasons

of television ever it's a fascinating social experiment I love it to I remember why it was like fucking appointment I was in college

and you would just get it was like a perfect pregame show to go out and not get any person whatsoever but you know and since then

it's still interesting to check in on them it's a little spoiled by fame the whole thing but but it is a you know it still is a show

people care about so will become best case in errors you bomb so hard that they just cut the whole thing from the show yeah they're just like they all they show is fucking Vinnie but then I'm contractually obligated to get that money but then I could just leave yeah yeah yeah so your two options are try hard hire some writers to help you bounce some ideas or go full kamikaze yeah shit your pants on state you say so many slow do it in blackface so they can't show it on MTV interesting do it in blackface write the N word across your chest but with that crowd they'll be like

That's why we love this guy. My ticket skyrocket. Yeah. Dude, I don't, yeah, I, I, yeah, unfortunately, it's just one of these things where I just, I shouldn't have. I was convinced by my agent. Of course. Convinced, I got, I got, yeah, my agent just came in and said, this is what it is, do it.

Because my initial, if I would have been taking the words going into 2026, if it ain't a hell yes, it's a no, I would not be in this situation. So this is example number one. Sample number one first. If it ain't a hell yes, it's a no. It's a damn no. Because doing New Year's Eve in Redback, New Jersey, despite my family being upset about it, it's still a hell yes. It's still a hell yes. It's still a hell yes. It's still a hell yes. Because... Just because the money, it's easy? Yeah, and my thing is like, they're going to be mad at me anyway. You know, might as well make some money. Might as well not even try to make them happy. I'm going to fail anyway. Now, that's a winner's attitude. But I do think that this one, this jersey... As a matter of fact, why don't, you know, some of the fans of Two Bears, can you send in some roast jokes for me help me out uh fuck that's so fucking funny yeah i mean it could be you know i mean tom and bert did it yeah when they roast to the year last year right yeah so i'm gonna i'm gonna that's exactly what i mean it's like i thought that roast was fun and like i think it was good to try and do something different but that's my point about these

things being so strange is like it's like you don't fucking know tom brady no you know you don't fucking know the Jersey Shore. Like, if you were doing the, if we were doing the roast of Joe DeRosa, you know, how fun that would be. Oh, it's great. Because we're his friend and he's, you know, hide. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, that's why I hate these fucking, you know, that's why I hate these fucking, yeah, I just think these roasts are so, I don't know. I mean, who am I to fucking say? I put out Crowler clips, which are fucking low lowest common denominator stuff. You still just got to do what you got to do. But it's just like, even though I haven't really done them for a year. But I think if you're really good at them, and again, there are people who are

really good at crafting very specific roast jokes. But I think for the most part, it's like pretty paint by numbers, like, you know, pick what this person is. If they're a, if they're a woman, call her a whore. You know what I mean? If she had a black boyfriend, talk, be racist. You know what I mean? It's really just the lowest common denominator when you don't have a personal relationship. But, you know, at the Jersey Shore, I feel like that will fly. Be racist. Be racist. Be racist. Progenistic, be homophobic. So the buckets we can look for is make fun of Vinny Guadino for doing stand-up. That's a big one.

That's the one. Make fun of J-Wao for plastic surgery. I think all of them for plastic surgery. Except Vinny. Vinny, to his credit, I think, has a natural face. Yeah, natural face. Make fun of Snooky for being small and, like, you know, small and wanting. Something about her birth parents knew. She's small. She's small.

They were right about Snooki were her birth parents, giving her up for adoption. Snooki is really small, and she's been. excommunicated by the Italian culture. She's like our Dr. Fauci. So there's some doctor calling her Dr. Fauci. Well, isn't Dr. Fauci? You're Dr. Fauci? Oh, what do you mean? Isn't he Italian? He is Italian, but he's been excommunicated because he made up COVID. Right, right, right, right, right. I see someone still gets their news from the Staten Island Examiner. The Staten Island Advance. So I'm thinking maybe that's the angle. There's an angle there. DJ Paul E. actually is a very successful DJ. Yeah. Very.

successful from polly is the one who really finessed it the right way he did well yeah yeah yeah like the situation to be being a fucking i guess there's old djs yeah did he still do his hair the same way yes hair's the same way that you know it's got can we look up d poly d today yeah let's take a i saw i think i mean yeah i believe he had a hot girlfriend or wife too yeah dj the hair yeah that hair is crazy how does he keep that up yeah i got to be honest even like you know you know seeing these guys, I just, it's almost like I respect them. I respect the show. I don't actually want to be a part of this. Oh, hell yeah. Is that his wife? Hell yeah. Dude, shout out to DJ Pauli D. Hot black wife. Oh, gorgeous. Oh, there you go. There's some jokes right there. Yeah.

Uh, I, God. Why do I get myself into this? Yeah, look up Jersey Shore now. Let's look at their faces. But, you know. I got to get an outfit. Yeah, I mean, the situation's face. I mean, Jayla looks good. Jayla was hot. Absolutely. That's the thing. It's like I actually, you know.

Oh, yeah. I also don't want to make fun of girls. I know. That just doesn't work. I mean, Ronnie looks like shit. Jesus fucking Christ. Sun dried garlic nod is good. Yeah, yeah.

That is really good. Ronnie does, Ronnie looks like a fucking, like, Ryan looks like a, who's that, who's that like, I don't know if she's trans or what, but that Italian lady with a husky voice. Big Ange? I think big, he looks like Big Ange. who's dead She looks like

Ronnie looks like Big Ange right now Yeah There we go We got one We got one Yeah Yeah

Ryan looks like Big Ange with a shape up Yeah Yeah Yeah Big Ange right now There's another There's another like

There's another like Italian sort of person Who looks like this There was a clip There's a clip of them That goes viral I don't remember

Maybe that's a bit I come out for seven minutes And I just shit on Ronnie Yeah. And then I go, the rest of you guys are alright. Yeah. I'm sure they've been arrested. You know, I'm sure Ronnie's been arrested for stuff. Just look up their rap sheets. Look up all this other stuff. I honestly, Snooky has maybe done the best. She's done the best. Which there's a joke right there, you know? That's, you were the most pathetic one when it started. You've actually figured it out.

You figured it all out. You've done, you've done the best out of, out of all of us, actually. I always love, I mean, I did love them, though, the first. that first that first season was truly truly a legendary season of television so unfortunately i'm going to have to go on the internet google look stuff up this is what you'll have to do is angelina looking good these days i don't know angelina does look good yeah she clotted oh that bitch what was her name dina when she the one who got kicked off didn't want which one of them was like they they came late like they got kicked off and got replaced i think dina was a replacement Dino replaced Angelina or for Sammy. Sammy Sweetheart, I believe.

And then wasn't there one who was just the front, she was just the, Sammy Sweetheart actually got out of it and it's just like a regular girl. You're right, Angelina is the one I'm thinking of. Sammy's pretty hot too. Sammy, Sammy just got out. Sammy Sweetheart got out of the Jersey Shore. Now she just looks like a girl who have sex with her students. A teacher of sex with her students. Yeah, that's good. All right. Something like that. You'll figure it out. I thought. But the thing is I won't. No, you won't. And you have to fucking hire people to help you.

Yeah, that's, this might be the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you if it goes wrong. Yeah. Yeah, this is, yeah. But par for the course, we talked about that. Your whole career has been a series of near, near misses. Near misses. So close. So maybe this is being able to touch the thing. Yeah. And then being in them like, nope. Sorry. Sorry. Sammy looks like a teacher. Wow, writing that one down. Who has sex with her students. Yeah. Folks, you see how we said we were going to do the worst episodes. this is a writing session for one of the shittiest comedy shows that anyone's ever going to put on the roast of the jersey short the fucking Borgata yeah and and we're making companies put ads on this piece of shit hour we're gonna we're gonna miss our flight back to new york trying to come up with jokes about how snooky has chlamydia yeah man well i mean you know what what are you going to do for new year's eve what's your plans no shows no shows i hate comedy shows, here's the thing, they're often pay really well because it's a, it's an event,

but no one, and this is, I don't want to say this to people listening because we have a lot of comedy fans and I'm a lot of, a lot of, when you're coming up, New Year's is a really lucrative gig, because people pay a lot of money for like a dinner and drinks package or whatever, and they'll go see whatever, but nobody actually wants to be at a comedy show on New Year's Eve. Most people don't. They want to be, they get there and they think it's a fun idea, but it's people who don't really go to comedy shows, they're not there for the comedy. They think it's like, oh, that guy will do his comedy

while we talk and laugh and have fun. They're not there to actually see the show. So you just have to prepare for it to be the worst show of all time. Yeah, and I'm doing two of them. One at eight and one at ten. At least the eight, maybe people will listen. The eight'll be good. It'll be like pre-gaming for them. The ten will be, you're getting the audience

that's coming to that are people who are already legit hammered and people, while the time I start to get into my closer, they're looking at their watch, like, I need to get somewhere to watch the ball drop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get off stage right now. One time I saw, I did see Louie on New Year's even Baltimore back in the day with my college girlfriend. Before his career blew up. Before he was like, Louis, Louis. It was kind of right in the middle of it. Yeah. And it was really funny. He just like, he was just like, looking at his phone

and he was like, all right, it's New Year's. It was kind of fun. Yeah. Everyone was looking at 1159. I was like, all right, that's it. And they were like, see you. Yeah. And he just literally got off at 12-0-1. Yeah. It was pretty fun. But he killed all before. Killed, killed. Really, it was cool to fucking see him there. Lyrick theater, was it? Might have been the one bigger than the lyric. Oh, okay.

So, like, the Meyerhoff or some shit. It's like, 5,000. The lyrics, like, the lyrics are pretty big. It's like 2,500. Yeah. Which I love that place. I'm trying to figure out how I will be going back. We're figuring out the specifics of it.

Ooh. Little, little hint for, for, uh, yeah, a little something. Might have something very special planned for that. Oh, oh, good. Who knows? Dude. Who knows? You're roasting the Ravens.

What would you do if that? No, okay, here, what about this? Diehard Baltimore Ravens fan? What would you do if Harbaugh called you in and was like, I want you to like, the teams in the Super Bowl, I think a roast of them would really get them in good spirits and have fun, loosen them up. Would you do that?

I would, and the way I would do it is, like I said, I would just hire writers. But I would also, because it's the rate, if it was like going into the Super Bowl, I would lightly shit on them. And then more than anything, I would just make fun of the other teams. Yes.

Like, you know what I mean? I would call Ben Rothesberger. Yes. You know, I would maybe, I would, I would do, I would call Deshawn Watson or Ruh. Yes. Actually, that's kind of pretty easy to make those jokes about the NFL. Yeah. I call someone else a domestic abuse, you know.

I would stay away from murder. Yeah. That really wouldn't be a topic I would bring up around the Ravens. It might be sensitive to that. He had his day in court, the American criminal justice system, worth the way it needs to. He was acquitted, as was Kevin Spacey. Ray Lewis didn't have to come out of the closet I loved Kevin Spacey's like

I'm gay now You know what I mean That was so funny when Kevin Spacey was like Yeah I'm actually gay so Yeah I guess it's okay that I I wrote people I'm like no

And then he kept coming back And doing those like In character videos Those were crazy He did one for Tim Dylan Yeah I mean Tim is Tim is so funny You gotta tip your cap to

Yeah To Tim for employing An out of worked Now it says I'm abroad, wrote in a question, said, which of you Winter Bears is going to do a solo guest bear episode first and who would be the guest?

Oh, so they want us to just fully do the podcast. They want us to take it over. As do the people running the network. The legal team is right outside that door. They're going to show for us to our flight. Well, it's very funny because they don't even want to make eye contact with the producers here. You know what I mean?

They don't even let them. They talk through iPads. Yeah. You know, they're behind the wall. they can't be seen. They don't want to have an actual relationship with them. And by the way, this is a huge operation. If you ever get, you know, if any of the fans ever know,

I mean, this is a huge thing. They have multiple employees. And they are one ad sponsor away from pulling out where Benson Spoon's getting fired, where they don't have the money for his salary anymore. Yeah, where they will do our idea to start prostituting out Benson Spoon. Yeah, this is going to go.

This is going to go from this, you know, went from L.A. to Austin. Now it's in this huge warehouse facility. They have all these beautiful cameras and green screen equipment. and then eventually little by little it's going to wind up just as a live show at the mothership it's going to open for uh kill tony yes that's what it'll be yeah and that's it'll be the glory that'll be beautiful that'll be a beautiful thing so well i would say one thing one

problem i have with the if i may do some uh you know we've been the ombudsman we've talked about how the show is going i think the problem with two bears when they have a guest bear never fat and the whole and first of all Tom has Tom has betrayed the very idea of the show and you to a certain extent you know even though in your heart you're fat I'd like you to be fatter too yes if I were to do it it would have to be someone who is fat as shit right you know I don't know who you know what major who is out there that merits what obese person have they had a woman has it always been Have they ever had a... Has there ever been a woman on two bears?

Miss Pat would be perfect. You and Miss Pat? Miss Pat would be really good. I don't want to waste that on two bears. That's a Stabby's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it can't be too good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need that for my own shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, Miss Pat's too good. Miss Pat is great. But it's somebody like famous that I... Because one funny thing about two bears, it'll be like someone they have no business talking to. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's like, why is Matthew McConaughey here? Yeah, they need like a fatty like Eric Stone Street from Modern Family. He'd be good. He would be good. Gabriel Inglacius, Fluffy. I love to chop it up with Fluffy. Sure.

Talk about, you know, what, oh, if you think, on the Christmas episode, I talk about my Chinese order. Do you understand how long me and Gabriel Inglaces could go just talking, like, things we order? Yeah. I bet you we could uninterrupted for one hour list foods. Yes, just keep going. Just, that would actually be fucking awesome. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, well, I mean, Louis C.K., that's a good guest. Oh, Mel Robbins

That's a woman But I don't know Who the fuck that is The Undertaker I think she's really famous I think she's like a What did she have? The Undertaker would have been a good episode

With Bert You could just give him some tips On He's gonna die soon On what the afterlife Looks like Yeah Some time

James Gunn That's cool But not fat Oh fat director Gilmoldo Toro Okay That would be really funny Me and Gilmer Del Toro

Talking about fucking Pans Labber and shit yeah um yeah not that many look not that many fat people yeah i'm seeing almost no mark norman there's like ripped yeah he's not gonna work mm-hmm um but yeah i would say gabriel inglesias for me um because i would i would want i would want to keep the other like they've had stamos on that's a dream stobby's world guess i got to get him on a greek show yeah you know let's get him let's really let's really get him in the zone yeah again this is we are this is our side job. Yeah. We don't, you know, this is like when you're dating someone and you actually

see people you respect out in public and then you stop holding hands with them real fast. Right. That's how me and Chris treat this podcast. Yes. We don't want to be identified as this. You know, we post where we are contractually obligated to post and not a piece of content more. You know, like that couple that got caught having an affair on the cold play concert. That's us. Yeah. That's us with too bad. Put our face on those people. Yeah. People like, I loved you and Chris on Two Bears, if they see us, which people have actually been very nice. Yes.

But when they see me in public, I'm like, are you sure? Me? I think that was H. Foley. Yeah. I think you're thinking of H. Foley. That was H. Foley and Yonnas. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't us. Now, look, much like the roast to the Jersey short, because we're going to have, I'm going to have to roast them and also say nice things about them because you have to give respect to respect to. Of course. What these Tom and Byrd have created is pretty insane. Relax, Chris.

What they have is pretty dope. It is, but it's try and do it a little smoother than that. Let's change the topic and then at the end, let's go back. Obviously, we're friends with Bert and Tom, but don't immediately be like, now it's beautiful. I do love that about Roast, where someone who clearly doesn't have a relationship with someone will be like, you fucked your daughter in the ass. You're a fucking piece of shit. But hey, we love you, big guy. No, you don't.

Well, I'm just because I'm now trying to really systematically get out of. this jersey short thing and I'm thinking how I can replace that income is by spring bears locking it in now. That's true, that is true. You're already thinking about spring bears and we will be back with even lower if they'll have us, we'll be back

with even lower effort episodes. Oh dude, you know how bad spring bears is going to be? We started in like March, it's just us with allergies. Oh, just all flonized out, tired from Benadryl, just really trying to just shit through four episodes. I do hope to be, yes, I do hope that's my new year's resolution I'd love to let's see

how far we can push we should get shittier audio we should get shittier audio quality we should use shittier cameras we should see how low we can take the form of podcast that should be like our artistic yeah like that it's performance art right right let's take this medium

and really push it to the lower we're not even in the shot it's just half our heads I like that we're doing it backwards yeah we're doing it like the IDF takes their fucking takes their ID pictures. Yeah, like this. I got that for Tom. Did you?

That Garth Brooks card. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Am I got it from as a gift? That's beautiful, man. Oh, shit. Now I just knocked it over. Yeah. What's that Garth Brooks?

Because, you know, he's got like the thing with Garth Brooks. I know, but what's the car? Oh, the card is Garth Brooks played like in a celebrity baseball game and I got it an embroiderer. It says Garth G. Brooks 300 bodies, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Yeah. I'm surprised. Did Garth sue Tom for that? I mean, I'm sure he's in, they're in an act of the lawsuit, I'd imagine. Yeah, probably. Yeah, I'd imagine that these. That's why Tom doesn't ever come back to his house. Yeah.

He doesn't want to get served papers by Garth Brooks. By Garth, could you imagine? He's just fucking fleeing. That would actually be the, that should be our guest on Two Bears One, give me a Garth Brooks on. He's fat and he just serves a dual purpose. That is the answer to your question. I'm abroad is the guest would be Garth Brooks.

Garth Brooks. That is the guest. That is a good one. That is the guest. Bring him in. That is. And then what else do we got here? Does the booth have any a final New Year's thought they want us to do? Well, here's a question from Johnny Wee. When I was a kid, I always wanted an AR-15 for Christmas.

I unfortunately never got it because I was deemed mentally unfit to stand trial. What was the one childhood Christmas gift you always wanted but never got? Right. You can tell you didn't even pre-read that because we talked about that last episode. Yes. And it's about Christmas. So you kind of blew it there. So there you go. I literally asked you, you had no good answer.

That actually might have been the dead spot of the last episode. Right. You actually rehashed a topic of discussion that nothing funny came out of. Right. And that's the kind of work you'll see at the Jersey Shore roast. And you know what, Chris? I salute you because that's the perfect way to end our tenure as for Winter Bears is an unfunny retreaded joke.

Um, my best one was a GameCube, though. I didn't, I never answered on Christmas. Okay. When the game, I was pretty late. I was pretty, I was older, but it was like, me and my brothers, we, we've never bonded more than we got that GameCube playing Star Fox and shit. It was a fucking good time. That's it.

I am excited about 2026. Good. I, you know, I do, as much as I make fun of your hell yes or no, uh, how trite and, and like, that's the most, like, a woman who's been in a sexless marriage for 30 years. and she's embroidering that on a throw pillow as we speak. By the way, that is how I will end the Jersey Shore Roast, is that quote. I love that when someone is bombing and they try and pretend they're doing an inspirational speech. But anyway, guys, stay up.

You guys are the best, man. And I love you so much. And remember, if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. Trying to get the audience to say it with you. Nobody says it. It's just the mic hits the speaker. It's like, p-ooo. Yeah.

No. I'm excited for 2026. I, you know, hopefully Tom and Burt keep not caring about this show and keep asking us to come in and fill in some time. We'll be here for spring bears and then summer bears again. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed, dude. Fingers crossed, we'll be here. But we love you. Thank you for allowing us to be your substitute teachers for these four weeks. We really, really rolled out. We really brought out the fucking TV with the cart. Yes. The roll cart. and we just played Fern Gully and we called that that was for

because we're a substitute teaching like environmental science and we just play a cartoon about that's it about fucking pollution Captain Planet he's our hero yeah we will talk to you guys

hey who knows come see us on the road by the calendar we have the Stavi's world oh the Stavi baby there it is I got the calendar the 20206 calendar

for sale now I'm on the road the final leg of the Dreamboat tour and we're trying to figure out when we're going to I'm trying to make plans to film the special at the end of it so come see this material

for the last time live Stavi.biz listen to Stavi's world all that good stuff watch me on YouTube all that good stuff do it up do everything Stavvy just told you to do

also listen history hyenas coming at you every Thursday and Christycomedy.com the only show I have on sale right now is in Charlestown, West Virginia Charlestown Racing come see the show. I might be doing Vegas in February, but the goal is to stay in the original 13 colonies and just kind of re, you know, just get freedom back into our seas.

Beautiful. That's a beautiful goal. See you guys. Bye-bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top of swall the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Thank you.