2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Patrice O’Neal Destroyed Me | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

SPONSORS: Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI, at https://www.netsuite.com/bears New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Por Osos landing in Publix just in time for the 4th of July, which sends Bert into a full nostalgic spiral about pub subs, boat days, and taking his daughters into "international waters." From there, things get unexpectedly historical: Tom breaks down the story of the guy who invented the meter and got guillotined for it, which leads them down a rabbit hole of people killed for their big ideas, the French Revolution as the original cancel culture, and Martin Luther versus the Catholic Church. Then it gets personal — Bert tells the full Patrice O'Neal story: getting destroyed at his first open mic, the Edinburgh trip where they lived together for 29 days watching Bruce Lee movies and Bert getting his feelings systematically demolished, and the moment he found out Patrice had tweeted something kind about him right before the stroke. Tom and Bert also spiral deep into funeral planning — who's required to show up, who gets a Sandler video instead of a live appearance, why Ari's funeral is going to involve hardcore Brooklyn relatives and a lot of confusion, the Andrew Schultz balloon clown apology Bert wants delivered posthumously, and whether or not to get cremated when science might figure something out. Plus: horror movies vs. comedy movies as investments, the film Obsession and its director Curry Baker, Bert's dad crashing the podcast mid-funeral conversation, the band Goose vs. the band Geese, and Mount Joy watching Passion of the Christ on the tour bus. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 331 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org . On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Ontario. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Sportsbook Bonus bets expire in seven days. $50 in Predictions Dollars issued weekly for three weeks, expire in one year. Redeem one non-withdrawable reward. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends June 28th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:02:21 - Por Osos in Publix & Florida Pub Sub Gospel00:08:45 - The Daniel Boone Documentary00:18:51 - The Guy Who Invented the Meter Got Killed for It00:24:59 - People Executed for Big Ideas00:33:46 - Patrice O'Neal Destroys Bert at His First Open Mic00:41:27 - Showtime Special, Party Bus, & Patrice's Funeral00:48:31 - Funerals Vs Celebration Of Life00:57:00 - Nick Kroll, Andrew Schultz & the Balloon Clown Apology01:04:11 - Bert's Dad Chimes In01:05:54 - Noga Erez, Goose Vs. Geese & Mount Joy01:09:02 - Curry Barker's Obsession & Horror vs. Comedy Movies01:15:10 - Wrap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% So good to see you. Good to see you. That's a great story you told me. That's one of the best. It's Leanne. Yeah. I've never enjoyed my wife more than when her come comes out.

It's a nice way of saying that. Bleep that so that we don't get flagged. But when she turns into a full-blown bitch, it's my favorite. To other people. Right. Not to you. Not to me. I hate it.

Yeah. But when she does it to other people, And she does it to me so often that I'm almost numb to it. It's the way black people don't hear their fire alarms going off. You mean smoke detectors? That's it. Do you think that's- People at dinner go, are you not noticing the bitch going off?

I go, oh, I'm numb to it. I'm so sorry. I'm so used to this. Yeah, I remember my dad, like, when we were growing up, my mom would be like such an asshole. And he would be so unfazed. And you'd be like, hey, man, like, are you not clocking this? he'd be like, what's that buddy?

And you're like, oh, he's completely disconnected. He's zoned out of it. Yeah. And that's how he, that's how you survive. Yeah. He's survived by not engaging it. It's got to be, I wonder if it's adjacent to like, smoke detectors. Like, and to like emotional abuse or a guy that cheats on his wife.

Yeah, yeah. And then she just goes, what? It doesn't bother me. I have a great house. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she does it so often.

Sure. Yeah. I wish I could share the story with everyone of how my wife, the rescue dog that is my wife. Yeah, you can't totally because there's some legal ramifications. There's legal ramifications. Yeah, yeah. But suffice to say, every now and then you, this is the way you got to look at it. Every now and then, when your wife's a bitch to you, like a full-blown bitch to you, remember, everyone gets it.

Right, not just you. Not just you. And so you got to go, this is going to come in my benefit. At some point. Yeah, like if you're married to a cage fighter and every now and then he throws you around a little bit, also he protects you when people call you a whore. Yep. Right.

It's a silver lining. Silver lining. Did you see that, go ahead. No, I was just going to say it's pretty exciting as Florida boys that Porososos is now in Publix. Oh, let me tell you. That's a pretty exciting thing. Tom, I can't wait until, first of all, Publix is... People don't know.

People don't know. And nobody knows when you travel the country, you find out that there's grocery stores that are, like, their identity is with a certain market. Like, when you move, I moved here, I was like, what fuck's Ralph's? Yeah. Right? And then after living here for so long, you're like, it's part of the identity of L.A. In Austin, you know, H.E.B. is like...

I was just about to say that. H.E.B. is like, so I got a Peruvian hot sauce. I don't... I just put it on my breakfast. Someone get me this hot sauce. It's a Peruvian hot sauce. Is it Achie? AJI?

It is. Yeah, yeah. How'd you know? Because I'm Peruvian. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's fantastic. I love Ahi. Yeah, I just got it in H-E-B, and I flew home with it.

It was that good. Yeah, that's great. That's so crazy. Yeah. But, but, yeah, that's so crazy. And I hope that. Well, so when I moved, sorry, because I moved in the Midwest as a kid. Yeah.

So you don't, you're a kid, you don't have like the, like the scale and scope of the United States. And when it comes to grocery stores. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is the fucking hot sauce. It's good stuff. Yeah.

It's very Peruvian. This is, I got this in H.E.B. When you say that, and I hope that someone supports, keep going. No, no. So, like, growing up, I just thought everyone had Kroger's because that's, that was what I went to, right? and then you move and like the next place had Kroger's. You're like, yeah, those are grocery stores. You get to Florida and it's Albertsons and Publix.

But Publix is like the standout. Like that's the place to do your premium grocery shopping. Publix has everything. Yeah. And it was like we'd go there, we'd go to the deli just to get sandwiches. Pub subs. Okay, the Pub Subs is like, everyone I think has probably heard of the pub subs. Yeah. Pub subs, when you were a kid, when I was a kid, kid, you would get a 12 inch pub sub, but it's bigger than 12 inches. It was massive. And then you'd

eat half of it, and then you'd let it marinate in the fridge for another half of a day. Yeah. And then when you got it the second day, you'd have to flip it so that the heavy part of the bread got wet. But that was a better version of pub sub. And I had caught my mouth watering. I, there's Publix in Atlanta as well. When we were doing season two of free birth, season one of free bird, my mouth is actually watering. I had Peter and Kyle with me, and I got them pub subs, and then I said to them, let the other six inches marinate. It's an Italian one, double the meat, let it marinate.

And the both of them were like, these two fucking northerners, these Yankees, these carpet baggers, these fucking shills were like, ooh, I like a crispy bread. I need crispy bread. And I was like, no, you don't understand. Gotta let it sit, man. And the beauty of Publix is, and this is. is just for Florida people. If you're not from Florida, just turn off this podcast right now. Is you would go into Publix and that is where you would get all the stuff for the day on the

boat. You would go into Pub's and you'd get chips. You'd get like four pub subs. You'd get hopefully porosos vodka. You'd get a 12 pack of beer, a case of beer. You get some vodka. You'd get some tequila. You'd get everything for the boat and then you'd get it onto the boat. And then, and I did this with the girls. I bet I have a picture of this. This is one of my best days, one of my favorite days of my life, we go, I'm getting ready to shoot Lucky, and we're in St. Pete, and I say to the girls, would you, I've never been, I'm always been afraid to spend money in, and I, like, I've just, I never have the balls to be like, pull the trigger and go, we're going to get a boat for the day. And I reach out and I see you, I find a boat for the day.

So my girls have never been on the water in Florida. And so we go out to, like, picnic island or some island in the middle of the, in the middle of the golf, the girls tell Leanne that it's international waters. It can drink. And Leanne goes, well, I've heard of that. Yeah, you're right. So I get four, I probably get knowing me, I probably got eight pub subs. And then I took the girls out in a, that's so funny, I have a picture of Leanne's ass came up

first. Nice. I take them out into what they call international waters. How old, how old? Oh, this is just recently. Oh. This is when I saw like fifth grade. Okay.

This is a picture of us on the boat. Yeah. But the girls all had, and they had friends with them. My parents were there. God, I look fucking great. Such a weird thing to say. I didn't even see the end in that picture. And I got, but I got pub subs.

And the girls were eating public subs in the water. I mean, I look, I can tell you what I got. I got flips, flip sides. I got Reese's peanut butter cups. I got pork rinds. I got pub subs. I got high noons. I got, it was the funnest day.

That's the best. And so as owners of a vodka company, poor osos, we are very, very proud to say we are in public right now. Yes. For 4th of July, buy one, get one free. A bottle of poor ososos, you get another bottle of porosos. you're going to need vodka for 4th of July. Fourth of July is a stock up the bar kind of event. You're going to get cold beers.

You're going to get IPAs because you got that one uncle who comes down and brings his own weed with them. And this is a special Fourth of July. Isn't this our 250th anniversary? It's 250th anniversary. Yeah, man. You got to understand. Back when we started this country, they were just coming up with the meter over in Paris. The meter.

We'll get into that. Okay. This is our 250th. anniversary. Celebrate it with porosos. I am going to try my hardest. I'm going to be in Atlanta. I'm going to try my hardest to come down 4th of July and spend it in Florida so that I can get some porosos, get on the water. I've greenlit a couple drinking days now from my doctors and get some porosos, get a boat, go out to an island and do a beautiful photo shoot. Have you watched that documentary? Don't even start on documentaries. The American Revolution. Have you watched that one?

No. That has, what's his name, Boone? Daniel Boone. Oh, yes, I've seen this. I mean, my man was like Steve McQueen.

Like, he was the coolest guy. He was the baddest motherfucker in the world. Do you know that, do you know the bad, about the Alamo? He was just stopping by to get a good night's sleep.

Really? At the Alamo, he was just showing up, like he was on his way somewhere and died there. Did you see when they kidnapped his daughter? No. Okay, I have not seen this documentary.

Oh, my God. So first of all, it's great because there's all these historians. And they're talking about... Someone works here. You better pull up Daniel Boone. They're talking about how when he first... So he was living in North Carolina. And he had some serious debts, right?

And so his plan was he was going to go to Kentucky and he was going to, I guess, get a bunch of hides, you know, from different animals that he was hunting. And this was going to help him settle his debts. But the natives, which at that time, there were 300 tribes across the country of Native Americans, different tribes. The ones in Kentucky, I think there were the, what is it, the Shawnee or something? They, like, ran his ass out of there. Like, he was terrified.

And they were fucking, these are serious. They'd kill, you know, just super aggressive and warriors. So he goes back empty hands. And there was a guy, like a judge, who was hearing a case of how he was indebted to this guy and he was going to basically send him to a labor camp. But that judge had bought 20 million acres or some shit. He basically bought the state of Kentucky. He was like, how about instead of going there sending you to labor camp, you go with some other settlers and take this land that I need basically that I bought and wipe these. get these natives out of there.

Throughout this doc, there are a bunch of like history professors. Half of them say Native Americans. And the other ones are just like, the fucking Indians. They keep saying they're like, Indians were everywhere, man. Which I'm like, don't academics look out for that more than anybody else? They're like, yeah, there's Indians all over the place. Well, at one point, he establishes, it's like Boonesville. It's like the largest settlement.

And he just becomes the defamation. Lacto leader. Everyone just follows what he says. And he trains his oldest daughter to be like super self-sufficient, like a fucking marksman like hunter, great with tools, weapons, everything. One night the Shawnee kidnap his 14 year old daughter and they have her tied up and him and some of the guys track her. She was so savvy that she's 14 years old as they're taking her away, she's tearing pieces of her fabric from her dress, leaving it on the ground to be as like a trail. That's how she's thinking as she's being kidnapped. Can you imagine one of your daughters thinking like that? I would be like, I put down bird seed. They fucking ate it,

Isla. Well, she did that. They found her, killed the Shawnee Indians, and then just took her back. And he's like, you good? She's like, yeah. I mean, like, it was wild. But, yeah, was it Boonesboro? Yeah, that was like the first big settlement at the time. 1775. Yeah.

1775. Wait, can you go down and see if I was accurate on he died at the Alamo? Did he die at the Alamo? It looks like Missouri. Wait, who died at the Alamo, though? Davy Crockett. Different guy. David Crockett.

God damn it. Dave Crockett and David Crockett. Daniel Boone are like, are like, if you scroll back up, oh, sorry, scroll up a little bit. It was, um, further. Let's see. Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone are like Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman. Yeah. I mean, he was a savage dude.

Oh, yeah. Doesn't it say there? Yeah. See? July 14th, 70th, his daughter, Jemima and two of the girls were captured outside by a war party. What documentary is this? It's on Netflix? Yeah.

It was about the Revolutionary War. American Revolution. Yeah. Oh, I can't wait. No. This time of year always conjures up memories of when summer felt much simpler and sweeter, whether that makes you think of an entire day spent on a lake or setting off fireworks and risking the loss of limbs with your friends on the 4th of July. Those iconic moments call for an iconic drink,

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Visit hymns.com slash bears. That's hymns.com slash bears for your free online visit, hymns.com slash bears. Future products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for full details restrictions and important safety information individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monocidal and finestrade I uh I uh I could not stop laughing today I was driving the doctor's office and I was with

the end and I couldn't get her to laugh with me I couldn't get her to see the hystericalness of this so will you pull up the meter what no yeah i did i sent him to birdie boy um well just okay um can you can you pull up the meter yes the meter no hold on there you go okay so wait this oh hang on birdie boy The meter is really defined. So I'm going to give you the short, I'm going to give you the short history of the meter, but what made me laugh so hard.

Okay? Yeah. And I couldn't get Leanne to understand it. So the guy that created the meter, they killed him in the French Revolution. Okay. Because he created the meter. Because he created the meter?

Yeah, they didn't like big thoughts. So they were like, you know, anything that was kind of challenging, anything, was like, yeah, what are you talking about meters? We already have our own measurements, and you're going to come into us with meters, you know, cut his head off. And that's how it worked.

Yeah. And it's kind of makes sense a little bit when you start thinking about they, them, and, and you know, the way change happens. Oh, right. And everyone's like, you know what? We're not done saying faggot. And so it's kind of interesting, all of that. And the French Revolution really is the very first cancel culture.

Rob's pier started cancel culture where he was like, basically they were like, it's really crazy the correlation I find between cancel culture and the French Revolution because it was arbitrary. You know, remember how people like, we get canceled because they had like a public get-together during 2020, 2020. Or they weren't wearing a mask. And now sometimes you watch stuff on Netflix. Like I put on this LBGTQ TV show on Netflix. It was when they did the show at the Greek.

And I see some people all wearing masks because it was close enough to 2020. And they didn't want to get canceled. They wanted to look like allies, you know. And so it's really interesting. interesting to me, or they had fucking people with it. Who knows? But my point is, it's really close to the French Revolution and cancel culture. And then, and then this guy created the meter. Yeah. Now, there's a reason that he created the meter. I think it's... They needed a measurement? It was, but what was, the measurements were all over the place. And so he said, oh, you know what? This is one millionth of them the distance between here and the North Pole. which no one could really quantify, you know? It was all math.

And clearly he was autistic because he didn't relate to anyone. And he was just this guy that created the meter in, what, 1770? It was the same time that we have Daniel Boone. We've got Daniel Boone. We got Davey Crockett. They're fucking killing Native Americans. And this guy's creating the meter. And then, by the way, they killed him for it.

Okay? Yeah. It was too big of an idea. Here's the thing that made me laugh so hard. for a period of time France goes all right this is not going to be as funny as I found it

I could not stop laughing Tom for a period of time they adopt it they go all right we're going to accept the meter and he was like we're going to have a big meeting you're going to bring everyone everyone from all the different countries out and you're going to introduce the meter

so he gets like a gold bar one meter long on a velvet table. It's covered. And in front of the whole room, he takes the cover off and he goes, ladies and channel, this is the meter.

Now, it's such an arbitrary distance that everyone's like, what the fuck's a meter? Like, it's before anyone knows what a meter or a yard or a foot or anything is. This is a meter. Guys,

this is my mention. It's the meter. And everyone's like, the fuck are we talking about? I couldn't thub laughing. And then he unveiled a bunch of brass ones. He's like, grab your own meters, everybody. Take them home. Tell them we're using the meter.

But it was, I still don't understand what a fucking meter is. And he showed them just a distance. Yeah. And he goes, this is a meter. And everyone's like, okay. And then finally someone was like, just fucking kill that guy. I don't know what the fuck a meter is. And I was laughing so hard.

If I was like, if I was like, this is the solution of the world. It's called a thing I'm a jigger. Yeah. And everyone's like, what the fuck? No, no, no. I've done the math. I've done the math. Trust me.

So you start saying it too, okay? You start saying it too. But it's such an arbitrary distance. But one thing you nailed too is that in this time, really in a bunch of places, the French did it, the Brits did it, the Spanish did it. The Italians did it. If you were like, I got some ideas, people go, just fucking. kill this guy.

Yeah. And they would just do it. Everybody that had big ideas, they're like, fucking kill him. He is so mouty. He's so fucking full of himself. Let's just kill him. And they just did. We need to sanitize our stuff before he doesn't believe in God.

Kill him. Kill him. It's so interesting that they end up killing this guy because he introduced the meter. He's just, this is a form of measurement. Yeah, it's just, that doesn't seem like enough. But back then, it was because it really, was like upsetting people. Yeah.

To hear like, you got to start thinking this way. Hey, by the way, gravity's real. They're like, you know what? Fuck you. Kill him. They just didn't want to hear. The planets are, you know, circling the sun. Kill him.

Anything that was a new idea. Anything that forced you to scratch your chin? They were like, he's just kill him. Yeah. What's crazy is Napoleon took over the country like twice. Yeah. And they never killed him. No.

They just exiled him. This guy came over with the meter and they killed him. We should find, what's the, there's got to be a list of people who introduced new ideas throughout history that were killed for these ideas. I know there's got to be a substantial list. Oh, but of this. There has to be. It makes you almost go like, I understand what it's like to be. I mean, here's, well, I wasn't thinking of Martin Luther King, but.

Socrates. Socrates. Yeah. What is this? Well, here, look. Giorno Bruno, Italian philosopher, cosmetologist,

expanded on the idea of infinite universe heliocentricism burned at the stake. Thomas Moore, English salesman, author, Utopia,

was beheaded on the orders for refusing to sign the act of supremacy, which made the king's supreme head of church. There's got to be so, especially in science.

You know what I mean? Yeah, scientists killed for their ideas. Scientists, yeah. That's a better one. Oh, look at this. Antoine La Bossier. 2020?

Yeah. Who's that guy? Brigadier General, lead scientist, heading Iran's nuclear program. I don't think I was thinking about that. Look at this. Antoine LaVosier, known as the father of modern chemistry, guillotined by the French Revolution's reign of terror.

Execution was largely driven by his former career as a tax collector. Oh, you know what? You know what a lot of it was? You know what a lot of the executions during the reign of terror was? This last one, by the way. Who's this? Michael, that's what we're talking about. Spanish physician theologian famously discovered the pulmonary circulation of blood

burned at the stake for writing unorthodox theological texts. They're just like fucking kill this guy. We know what a lot of it was is that that's where the money was coming from. The money was the rich people were like, yo, I want to hear more big, big ideas, go and do math. And then the guy would do math. I mean, dude, Martin Luther got in trouble for just translating the Bible. Yes. And being like, guys, we should all read it. And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But he interpreted it as well, right? Like, didn't Luther just, no, he, he translated the Bible. What was happening was the church was interpreting the Bible for us.

So the church is like in the Bible it says you can fuck your wife twice you can beat up your wife twice as long as you give us like a hundred dollars every time you beat her up and you're still go to heaven and then people are like okay cool I'll do that. Yeah. And then and so they were kind of liberal with like they were cheating a little bit. Yeah. It's kind of crazy. What do you think you'd have to do to get killed for your ideas as a comic? As a comic? Like we came pretty close with the roast.

Yeah, that was pretty. Yeah. People got really upset at the roast. They get upset. I'm not a good roast joke, got a comic. Like, I'm not, like, no one's ever seen me go, like, there's, you have to be good at that, that has to be your delivery of comedy. I think so.

Like, do you ever see Shane's roast on Louis J. Gomez roast? No. Oh, are you serious? No. It is brutal. It is brutal because he, everyone's doing jokes about each other. and Shane's just stating facts. Tony Hinchcliff has a

corvette with the license plate I roast. That's cool. Ari Shafir is 50 and edgy. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. For some, summer is their favorite season. That is me. Travel picks up. The kids are out of school. Everyone's home. The adventure is the focus.

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Yeah, Shane's got that little bit of a, like, a little bit of a bully sense to him. Like, I really think him and Patrice would have gotten along really well. I mean, I didn't know Patrice, so I couldn't... For real? No, I never met Patrice. Patrice was... I mean, Patrice was...

Yeah, Patrice was mean. Yeah, I mean, all the stories. He was mean. All the stories are that he's great, but mean. It's interesting because he was great. Yeah. He was great. And by the way, I...

once you got through the meanness and you broke to the other side, it was like being married to Leanne. Same thing. Honestly, being married to Leanne and being friends with Patrice were very similar. Yeah, I can see that. Because you were like, oh, other people are going to get this too. And then it was really fun to watch other people get it. And you're like, oh, no, I was targeted for a very long time.

Yeah. And I got it privately. I got one-on-one at breakfast where it was just me and him, just hurting my feelings. What did he do? Was he mean to you? What did he say to you? Yeah. Give us like the raw truth.

What did Patrice say to you? And how much did it hurt? Would it fuck you up? My very, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My very, very, very first interaction with Patrice. Now, I, everyone knew who he was and he was just, he was, I mean, he was really fun to watch on stage. And even when I remember, I bombed one time and he went up and he bombed after me. and he was like he was like man you bomb so hard you made me bombs and I was like what he was like

you got it man if you're gonna bomb like that you got to do it in different rooms he was like it was you couldn't even clean the room of your smell and I was like who the fuck are you and then I was that was the first time you met him it's a very first words I ever have with them he's like you need to say a prayer before you go on stage or something like do you have like a cross on you around your neck and I was like yeah he goes say a prayer or something like you you got to do That's bad. It's bad for all of us. By the way, I'm not good at comedy at the time, and I'm like, and I did do really poorly.

And so then I watched him the next night destroy Todd Barry in front of the Boston about how Todd Barry will never be successful. This is like a genuine thing he's saying? And there's no comedy to it. And it's just, Todd, the problem with you is you'll never panel. not I mean you'll never panel no one wants to hear you talk if it's not a joke they don't want to hear your words me I'm a panel motherfucker I'm a panel I you'd rather have me panel and just going and it's just the two of them and Todd's talking back to him nope Todd's just listening and he's trying to bust

balls and Patrice just shut him down and then and then Patrice comes up to me I'm going to deal with Will Smith and Patrice comes up to me and he goes how much is I'm working in the door at the Boston Comedy Club. He goes, how much? I said, when he goes, I heard you got a deal. How much? I said, and Barry Katz is like, don't tell anyone how much. Do not tell anyone how much money it is. Don't tell anyone. And he goes, how much? And I go, and he goes, I bet I can guess by the look on your eyes.

He goes, 100. No more. 200. No less. 120. And I went, and he goes, 120. Nice. He walked away. So then we do this, we do this show in Edinburgh. It's me, him, Rich Voss, and this guy, Louis Schaefer. And we have to do an audition for the show, so we send a tape to Edinburgh to get past by the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

And I have a set list I'm about to take up to go on stage at Caroline so we can get a tape. And I have a set list in my hand. I've been doing comedy for roughly a year. And Patrice grabs my set list and rips it in half. And I was like, why would you do that? And he was like, oh, you're going to bomb anyway. It was better than not know what you're going to say and bomb. He was like, you're not that comic.

Just go up and talk. You're funnier if you talk than if you try to recite jokes. And I had an okay set. I didn't have a great set. I had an okay set. And then he made me stay and watch Paul Mooney because Eddie Murphy was going to be there. And then from then we started like hanging out. So we hang out.

date a girl with cerebral palsy. She comes over to fucking, oh, he was brutal to her. She extended her left hand to shake hands. And he's like, you're the queen, bitch. What's wrong with your baby hand? Give me the other hand. Oh, shit.

Oh, you're crippled. I mean, he was not, he was, and this is three people in a hallway. It's not, there's no audience. That's just Patrice. He said, your girl looks good that night. She was, your girl looks good. He says, whispers of my, too bad.

You know there's a baby leg in those jeans. Leather pants. Holy shit. I mean, he was just brutal. So then we spend all of Scotland together. And we have our ups and downs, but more ups than downs, in my opinion. We watch Bruce Lee movies. He explains JZ to me.

He explains Mobb Deep to me. I listen to him, fuck. He walks in the room as this chick with cerebral palsy is at the foot of my bed naked. So we have moments. We have a lot of moments. for 29 days we live together. I get a development deal from CBS and I get a TV show on FX

and I get another development deal over at Fox all at the same time. I get all these deals and I have to fly home at like 25 days, four days left, maybe left. And I'm in a good mood. And Patrice is eating blood pudding

with fried eggs and ketchup. And he's eating his fried eggs and his blood pudding with his fingers. He's, he chopped it. And I said, dude, I'm glad we got to do this. And he goes, do what? I go hang out together. I go, it's cool that I like, I'm glad like, we got to become friends. And he goes, we're not friends.

I was like, when he goes, I'm not your fucking friend. You think we're friends. Oh, you thought we were becoming friends? Shit. And then he goes, no, we're just two people that work together. He goes, as a matter of fact, I pity you. I pity you because you got all this stuff going on and you think that means something.

A bit of it means nothing. Because the second it goes away, you fall all the way back to where you are right when I met you. And that's working the door at the Boston Comedy Club. He goes, you got no foundation. I mean, just did everything to hurt my mind. And then that one point goes, oh, don't let me hurt your feelings. Don't let me hurt your feelings. Oh, are you getting your feelings hurt because I said, we're not friends?

And he goes, if I go to Tampa, can I stay at your parents' house? I was like, no. He was like, yeah, because we're not friends. He's like, if I come in to L.A., you're going to pick me up at the airport? And I was like, no. He was like, yeah, because we're not friends. Don't get it twisted. We're two people who work together, but we're not friends.

And he just, I mean, breaks me off. And I was like, cool. I'll see you back in New York. So then the fucking chick with cerebral palsy is like, hey, I need a place to crash in Scotland. I go, stay in my place. She's like, what? I go, I don't have my friends there. Patrice calls.

Do you tell that cripple bitch she can stay here? I go, yeah. He goes, why? I go, fuck you. That's why. Hey, hung up. So then cut to,

I have a TV show. I have a TV show and Patrice is shooting a Showtime special. Yeah. Which, by the way, I hope you can find it online. I'm certain you can't.

He completely sabotaged. I watched him completely sabotaged. You shot two shows at the Brahe Improv. Gary Goldman, a guy named Jim Brewer, who isn't a Jim Brewer we know. Really? There's another one? I know. Type in Jim Brewer comedian. There's another Jim Brewer.

No shit. I know. And I think he got booked because they thought it was the other Jim Brewer. I swear to God. No, Jim Brewer, other Jim Brewer. Type in other Jim Brewer. Is it spelled? It's spelled identical. So that's not how to spell it, yeah. Try Brewer the Brewer with a W maybe. Be like, are there two Jim Brewer comedian? No. No, his name's Jim Brewer.

I worked for it. I worked with him. I worked with him at the Sacramento. Type in Jim Brewer, Sacramento, Sacramento, Lafs Unlimited. You think that's going to come up? I don't know. It was online at one point.

And so anyway, so that we go out. I am on a TV show. I have a big, I have a big car. I have a lot of money. I'm living in Hollywood. I have a ton of friends. I've got, and I've got money is most important. So I decided to get a party bus to go out to Brea to watch Patrice.

Because I'm like, guys, and Gary Goldman's there. He's my friend. And I go, guys, we're going to go out and watch Patrice and Gary Goldman. I go, they're like, who's Patrice? I go, he's a guy I know. Are you friends with him? I go, absolutely not. He's a guy I know.

He's a comedian. He's very funny. I go, you will not like him. If you meet him, you're going to hate him. But he's a guy I know. you're gonna you'll enjoy him so we go watch patrice and he does two shows he sabotages the first show entirely does the whole thing about putting his thumb up a girl's ass on showtime and you're like okay yeah it's not the best part of patrice in my opinion it's not 800 pound gorilla or whatever

yeah his special was elephant the room my bet that's and so he I can see I'm trying to say I can see it guys And so we get done this show and he gets done and he comes off stage. Now, mind you, I've told everyone I'm not friends with him. And I'm also, I actually am friends with Gary Goldman, who's doing a special that same night. Yeah. And Patrice comes off stage and he sees me. And he goes like this.

So we all go back to the embassy suites that we stay at Brea. that's where they had their post party. And I'm sitting at a table with all my friends that I brought out to the thing. Patrice comes out and he goes, can I talk to you? And I was like, yeah. Because what are you doing here? I said, came out to see you to stand up. And he goes, because we're friends.

And I was like, in my head, I was like, I'm not going to fall into this trap. And he goes, we are friends. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're my friend, Patrice. And he was like, you came out to see me. And in my head, I was like, well, Gary's here also. I didn't say that. I was like, yeah. And he was like, oh, and he sat next to me for the whole, like,

because the producer got up to talk. Yeah. Sat next to me. He was like, like, almost like proud. And then find this tweet. If you can find this, this is the moment I knew we were actually friends. He had reached out to me about Birth to Conquer. And he told me he loved it and he loved Birth Conquer.

And I was, which I was like, okay. My head, I didn't. Patrice O'Neill, Bert Kreischer, Twitter. See if you can find it. No, God, never mind. This is a horrible, this is a horrible fucking dive, deep dive. Can someone that's a grown-up get into Twitter and just go like, Patrice O'Neill, never mind.

Never mind. Just stop it. But he's just said, but I loved. I'm sitting in my room. I'm shooting Birth Conqueror Season 2. I'm in San Antonio. And I'm literally like, ugh, this is, this is not what my calling is.

I just fucking run roller coasters all day. And Scott Sands comes in and he goes, dude, dude. I said what? And he goes, did you hear what Patrice said about you? And I was like, no. And he was like, dude, I feel panic when he asked you? A hundred percent. A hundred percent.

I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, no. And then he goes, dude, he tweeted it. And I was like, what? And he was like, and he read it to him. me. It was like so proud of, so happy or so proud of my, my friend Burke Kreisher, my buddy, Burke Kreisher, who's a real G in the game of comedy on his success with Bert the Conqueror. It's a hit show on Travel Channel or something. It was like so unlike Patrice.

Yeah. And I've fucking reached out and I was like, dude, and he was like, dude, the show's great. And then right thereafter, literally like six months later, I got a call and they're like, he had a stroke. Wow. And then this will bring up full circle. Frosty calls me, Patrice had a stroke. It's not good. They're honest with us. He's in, you know, the situation was really, really bad.

He was there, but he wasn't there. Yeah. And then, you know, he lasted for like a few months. Yeah. Is there a few months? He lasted for like a while. It was not good. You don't want to last in that stroke.

Yeah, yeah. You'd rather just die. And he, I got a call from Frosty, and we were pulling him. We just dropped the girls off at school. We were pulling into the driveway and Frostyos Patrice passed. And I was like, okay. And he was like, the funeral is going to be Friday or whatever. I know he'd want you there.

And I was like, yeah. And then I sat with the answer. She goes, are you going? And I looked at the ticket. And the ticket was $900 to fly to New York to go to this funeral. And then I was a hotel. And we weren't, didn't have a ton of money. And I could hear Patrice in my head go, I wouldn't pay $900 to go to your funeral.

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, as his friend, I'm not going. Could I, because I could hear Patrice go, oh, you wanted to meet Chris Rock. And so I didn't go to his funeral. Yeah. Because I felt like it was, I felt like it was disingenuous. Yeah. And I was like, you know, there's people's funerals.

And this is an interesting thing about not going to a funeral is like, now people don't have funerals. Did your dad have a funeral? Yeah. Did you go? You went, right? Yeah, yeah. And then did, did, did, were you shocked at any? one that showed up? Was I shocked? I don't think so. I mean, it was family and some of his, like the

friends that I knew of his that were there. Yeah. No, I mean, that wasn't shocked. Was there anyone that we were like, what are you doing here? Yeah. No, no, I can't say that. No. I don't think so. But you're right. I haven't, I feel like I haven't gone to one in a long time. Maybe that was the last one I went to. I feel like there should be more funerals. No, they stopped having them. What do you mean? People stopped. having funerals. They do celebrations of life. Oh, yeah. My friend, our friend, Jeff Mercer, the best dude, me and him started dating our wives

at the exact same time. His wife was our chiropractor and one of the Ann's closest friends. We all start dating at the same time, right, right, Pierce? We have kids at the exact same time. They have twins. We have Georgia and Ila, different, you know, we're both broke at the exact same time. And they're, Whenever they got nice things, they'd call and be like, yo, we have this. He was the principal at a really nice prep school in like Redondo or something or like El Segundo. Palace Verdes. And he's like, yo, this parent, we're house sitting for this parent.

They said, we got our friends over. You should come over. And all of a sudden you're in this like $20 million mansion. So they were like regular. Dude, just fucking died. When? Recently? Recently.

And he's got a celebration of life. Now it's like a year after almost. but it's a celebration of life because I guess people don't want to don't want to deal with it right away I don't know I mean it was like a year later dude he's my age he was my age by the way great tennis player great fucking dad didn't do drugs didn't drink he he did he die like unexpected it was skin cancer oh melanoma really yeah and and and just fucking boom and you're like what the fuck.

And so they have a Mercerfest, I think, is what it's called. In a couple weeks, we're going to go to it. But it's a celebration of life. No one has funerals like they used to. Hulk Hogan had a funeral. Have you watched the Hulk Hogan documentary? No, I haven't seen it yet. Hulk Hogan had a funeral. His daughter Brooke didn't go.

And people are like, how dare you? Well, now, who is she going for? Them? Because it's her relationship with her dad. Did they not have a good relationship? Towards the end, I don't know. I can't answer, honestly. I don't think she can go to the funeral.

What would you rather have? Oh, fucking funeral. You want a funeral? I'm not going to have one for a very long time now after this doctor's appointment, but fucking funeral. But you don't want a celebration of life? No, I. Do you want the comedy store thing where everyone fills in the main room and they tell stories about you? The main room.

Let's see what theaters are open. I'll take the Greek tub. I'm not fucking mean. That's what they do. No. No, yeah. I don't want the main room. I don't want the comedy store.

This is on record. You don't want it. You don't want it. You guys can do it. And if you want to raise money and give it to the door guys or whatever, I'd absolutely. The more talking about me, the better, I'm sure. But I want a real funeral. I want suits.

I want famous people. That's important. Oh, 100%. Yeah. And even if you kind of knew me, like, Dak Shepard, definitely show up. Okay. Jack Shepard show up.

I want Roblo. Do you want it somber and sad, though? Like a funeral? Hold on. Let's go through the list of people I'm expecting to be there. Jack Osborne. I want Jack Osborne. Roblo.

Roblo, John Stamos. Those are, these are musts. Okay. Roblo's a fucking must. Yeah. Okay. I would love Sandler. Do you like to stop by?

What if he just sent a video? That's even better, Yeah. You know what? That's actually better. So I'll take videos from Sandler. Anyone really big. I'm Joe's coming. If Joe doesn't come, if Joe doesn't come, can you guys please attack him online for the rest of his life? That's all I'm saying. Okay. I'll be at Joe's. He better be at mine. He better be at mine. He better be. I don't want to hear bad timing. I was in Italy with the girls. He's got the kind of money where he can drop everything and just come to my fucking funeral. I will drop everything to go to his funeral. There's only a short list of funerals I'll go to. I'm not going to everyone's.

How many would you go to? Name them and I'll tell you if I go to their funeral. Pull up a list. Pull up a set. Pull up a fucking list of comics. Sebastian. Oh, definitely going to smash it. You are.

Are you not kidding me? Why? 100%. Fucking Italian. A lot of kiss. Cheese chickie kissing. You like that. Yeah.

And then I'm so sorry for your loss. So you're going to his. He was a good son. You would have a good job. Tim Dillans. Yes, 100%. It's going to be catered amazingly. It's going to be really good.

It's going to be so fucking fun. Keep going. Kevin Hart. No. Nikki Glazer. It's going to be in St. Louis. That's a connecting flight. Yeah, it is.

I'm going to say yes, 100%. Okay. But she's not going to have a funeral. She'll have a celebration of life. But I'm going so that Nikki comes to mine. Okay. Because I expect Nikki at mine. I 100.

Hey, Siri, text Nikki Glazer. I 100% expect to see you at my funeral when they die. That's just a great opener for a conversation. There we go. All right. Ari? Yes, I have to go to Ari's. You will go. Yes.

Will you wear the hat and everything? Oh, fuck. Yeah, I'll wear the hat. I'll wear the hat. I think part of it would be kind of fun to see the other side of his family. Oh, right, yeah. You can see a bunch of fucking Brooklyn, like, you know, like... Hard course.

Hello? Yeah. Very nice to meet you. Yeah. Ah, Isketabra. Yeah. And then you're like, like, that would be actually, Ari's funeral. And I don't think it's that far off.

I would hope it... I would hope... Well, I mean, no, but I mean, he shits blood nonstop. I know. It's like kind of a fucking... It's a message. Yeah. Like, I will definitely...

I'll actually... Actually, yeah, I will definitely go to Ari's and Leanne's going. Oof. Leanne's death. And I'll be like, yo, stop smiling. He gave Leanne the greatest compliment. Really? Yeah.

You know, because Ari's, there's so hard for me to quantify my relationship with Ari because I do absolutely love the guy. And the internet wants to do whatever they want to do with our relationship, which is completely fine. But there is a part of Ari that is so, it's like Leanne, it's so brutally honest. that when a compliment comes from him, you know it's very meant, very heartfelt. And he saw Leanne at the roast, Kevin Hart's roast,

and he was like, wow, Leanne looks stunning. And I was like, he wouldn't say anything. He would just go, all right, yeah. Hi, Leanne, good to see him. And he was like, and then he texted me the next day. He goes, your wife looked absolutely beautiful. And I said, that really makes me feel good, that people would say that, because I thought she looked incredible,

but it's also I fucking, I own the bag of oats. I'm going to fucking want to. Keep going. Okay. Now I'm going to go tip for tat funerals you wouldn't go to. Because you are, I bet yours only five funerals are going.

Go to Joe's funeral? Yeah, of course. 100%. And by the way, Mark Norman's funeral. Is it in New York? It's going to be in, it's going to be,

well, I'm definitely going. It's going to be in New Orleans. Oh, New Orleans. I'd go to New Orleans. Fuck, yes. Yeah. Location is all of it.

Yeah, because it's a good time. Benia's. Binets and you're like, and we can go out and party and be like, oh, Mark would have love this. Yeah, yeah. Chris DeStefano's. Yes. Oh, yeah. And I would bring gay guys with me.

Like, yeah. Like escorts, you know, strippers. Dude. Pull your dick out. You got to understand. So, like, these are people with different lives than just ours. So, like, I have a relationship with Christa Stefano. Yeah.

That's a great. Actually, I have a great relationship with Stephano. But I also know that he has wild crazy relationships with tons of different people that I don't know or I don't get to see a lot. Yeah. Those kind of like mobster Italian fucking Guido Fireman, fucking Staten Island. Like,

Tampa Tony and all those. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's find someone. His would be fucking. Okay, you get, uh, let's see someone like, all right, Nick Krolls.

Well, Nick wouldn't, I wouldn't be invited to Nick's funeral. I don't think you get invited. You just go if you want to go. Really? I think so. I think it'd be strange for me to go to his funeral.

Send flowers in a card, though. Okay, I sent flowers in a card to Nick But we've had him on the podcast I mean he's like I'd consider Nick a friend I'm very friendly with him Really? I would love if Nick Kroll came to my funeral I don't think he'd come

I don't think he'd come either But I know I take that back I bet Nick would come I bet Nick would come to my funeral And by the way now that he's heard this And people have sent this to him I think Nick would come If it was like super convenient that day I'll tell you what

I think if he had lunch that day be like, I can't. No, it's, hang on. Hang on one second. So this is, so my funeral's going to be probably like Tuesday on a Tuesday, right, just so a lot of people are home. It's going to be in Hollywood. It's going to be in L.A. Right?

I'm probably going to be buried out here. I'm not getting cremated. I'm getting buried in like a mausoleum or something. You're not getting cremated? No, I'm not getting fucking cremated. What if they fucking figure something out? What, would it, uh, you guys? got to have this in your your last will and testament. I'm doing it right now. And then,

and then here's the deal. It's like, let's be very real. I don't mind. Like I, okay, let's say, who would it bother you that showed up at your funeral where you're like, hey, I feel like you're here for other reasons. Like if Nick Crowe came to my funeral, yeah, and I'm in heaven. That's very, yeah. I go, thank you, buddy. Yeah, of course. Yeah, thank you, man. That means a lot. You know what? And then I'd be like, Nick, I'll be at your funeral. Or I won't be at it. but I'll be haunting it. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, let's talk about, hold on.

I want to keep going. I want to talk about Noga. I want to talk about, I want to talk about horror movies and, and geese and goose and, but keep going. And Arod, but keep going. We're in a good place. Funerals, so who would show,

okay, ready? I'm going to name people that came to your funeral. Like, I'll be very real. Okay. What if Andrew Shultz came to your funeral? I might be surprised. You'd be surprised, but you're in heaven. Are you like,

Andrew? No, I mean, I think... Are you networking? No. I would think that's a... Okay, what if Akash Singh came to your funeral? Well, I've never even met him. So that'd be strange.

So you'd be like, in heaven going like... Are you there for the hang or you're there for me? I'd be like, oh, you're there for the hang, but like... Okay. But also like... Okay. How about... How about...

Respect, dude. Respect. Yeah. Yeah. I would think I would... I want Andrew Schultz at my funeral. Okay. I want him there and I want him to know that and I want him to come up to my wife privately And I want him to apologize to her and say I'm really sorry about the balloon clown thing

I know Bert held on to it his entire life and I know that he still holds a resentment about the balloon clown thing That's what you want to say and I know that he died With a little bit of a chip on his shoulder about the balloon clown thing and I just want you to know I'm Andrew Shulton. I'm sorry wow and then and then can I tell you something Please. Shultz might do that while you're alive. No. No, no, no, no. I don't want to hear it while we're alive. We're good. And we're good now. But when I die, I want him to say that at my funeral.

Do you think about it a lot? I think about that so much. Really? I was, I, I, someone had, I, I like Zachomico a lot. I like Zachomico a lot. I identify with Zach Miko. Okay. For whatever reason, I, I, for whatever reason I, for whatever reason, I, for whatever reason, I, I see parts of me and him. Yeah. I don't even know who that is.

Oh, for real? Who's that? Pull up the white writers of the Kevin Hart roast. That's Saccharco. Okay. But he dresses like a clown a lot, like an actual clown. And it bothers me so much. Freaks you out.

That I can't connect with him the way I wish I could. And because he dresses like a clown and I can't figure out why I can't get past it. It, like he loves dressing like a clown. it's one of his thing. Yeah. And I mean, I can't even look at it. There was a clown that popped up on stage at Kill Tony the other night. Two. I'll leave. There was two. I'll leave. I have such an issue with clowns. Can I can I ask you a question? Okay, I'm going to pivot. We've addressed who we wanted our funeral, I think. Sort of, yeah. I think we should really do like a fucking draft. Okay. What if the guys at Barstool showed up? Big Cat.

I'd be super surprised, man. I expect Big Cat at my funeral. Really? 100%. I might actually get, I might put a caveat for like hotel rooms. You think it's going to happen soon? No, I just got back from the doctor. I'm so fucking healthy.

How long do you think you have? I think I have, I think I'm going to make it to 88. Damn. I know. I've been thinking about that a lot. I think I'm going to go into the 80s. And I think I'm going to be a wildly healthy. I think a lot of people are going to succeed.

Everyone always says to me now, wait, you're 53? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, no, are you serious? I think because I carry young energy. Yeah. But I think I'm going to be, because of where I feel physically

and how I am physically right now, I think I'm going to, and I feel like I also started lifting weights later in life. So my joints aren't all fucked. Yeah. Like Joe can't do bench because his shoulders. All those guys that lifted weights in high school, yeah, all their shoulders are fucked.

Yeah, that's true. And so I've just started doing squats. So like I feel like I'm going to be a spry 80 year old and people are going to be like you're 80. Yeah. And then I'll start aging at like 85. I'll go downhill real quick. From there. And that's when I do a lot of sitting and I'll be drinking and sitting and people will be like.

I don't think I'll make it to 80. Yeah, you will. Yeah, 100% you will. I think genetics wise, I'll tap out. I think best case scenario for me would be like 77. My dad's 77. That would be lights out for me. What do you think it's going to be cancer?

Probably. Probably. There's a lot of it. They're going to have a cure for cancer by then. I think so? 40 years? 40 years? 30.

30 years? 30 years? 30 years? 30 years? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got about another 40 years. Wow.

I'm impressed. I got another, yeah, I got another whole lifetime to live. Okay. We're going to hammer these topics. Okay. Okay. Real quick. Noga eras.

seen her name. No. I think I'm saying her name right. Who's that? I just had her on the podcast. She's an Israeli singer and she just did. And by the way, I got to put this out there. Is this the woman who did it in a poroso's hat? Yes. Yes. I had her on the podcast and she just released her new single and she did it in a porosos hat. And I have to say this. If you're an artist and you do, here's my dad right here. Hold on. Dad. Hey, are you okay? Yeah, I don't have cancer. Good. you're going to keep the eye well I'm sorry I have cataracts

I need to have cataract surgery for real oh you're on okay I'm on a podcast with Tom but I'm glad it's not cancer Tom who Segor? Yeah how you doing Mr. Kaye Hey Tommy you never call

I'm sorry I need to get your number again again Hey dad do you want to have a funeral or a celebration of life I want to have both What the fuck you have to choose? You don't No, you don't. I guess I picked funeral.

Wait, why do you cheap? I said, you get cheap? No, I'm going to get up. I want suits and a church and like... And famous people, he said. And famous people. Yeah. Is Tom coming? Of course, for sure. He's speaking at it. Yeah. Oh, wow.

I work on some things from the same, maybe. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't know me that well. Wait, hold on. It's not your funeral. It's my funeral. We're talking about my funeral. Oh, you. What are you talking about your funeral? No, you were just asking if Tom's coming to your funeral? Tom, are you going to my dad's I didn't go to his dad's funeral.

That's okay. What a dick you are? I didn't know he died. Well, that's a good excuse. You don't read your big choice? You never talk to Tom? What's new? Hey, my father died?

Oh, I didn't know. What the fuck? That's bullshit. All right, I'll call you later. I love you. Are you feeling bad or something? No, no. No, we're doing a podcast.

I got to call you back. Okay, Tommy, bye. See? Oh, that was great. If you're an artist and you wear our merch, shout out to Dwayne Trucks, shout out to the red clay strays. Yep. Shout out to jelly.

Jelly. We give you love. And Noga Aris has a new music video. It's kind of older now because this is happening in real time. It's called I Love You, I think. look at this oh wow that's awesome man yeah and she's got a porosos hat so no go thank you so much yeah thank you um she is such an incredible she really is an incredible artist and they came and did the podcast she's fucking hysterical and we gave her the hat and she liked the hat and so that's awesome porosos is

available in public's end on the noga eras i love you video uh she's an incredible talent now amazing uh i said that real quick yeah my favorite band is goose i thought someone was fucking with me and go, are you a fan of geese? And I was like, well, yeah, I know there's more than one in the band. And they're like, no geese. So what? And they go, the band, geese. I go, I think you're thinking of goose.

No, there's a band geese. There's a band Goose and a band geese. And I fucking like them both. Are they going on a tour together? No, they're not. They're totally different styles of music. Yeah. But you would not like goose.

You would love geese. Really? Yes. Geese is fucking awesome. them. And Geese, if you ever want to come out, we'll give you some fucking merch. They're not like merch guys. They're fucking awesome, dude. Okay. You would love geese. I'll check them out, man.

You would love, and I was like, I got to introduce Tom to geese. I'm going to check out geese. But just because I'm also going to check out Goose. Oh, yeah. Goose is my, that's my style. That's your style. Okay. But I like Geese also. And Mount Joy, if you listen to Mount Joy, motherfucker, dude, dude, I've talked about a cool band. We're on tour and wherever we're doing, we're doing the day. and they're doing the that.

And I just tag, I just tag him in the thing. Hey, if you guys want to watch The Passion of Christ, we got nothing after our show. We're going to sit in the tour bus and watch Passion of Christ. We're going to knock on our tour bus at 12 at night. And they're like, hey, did you guys start the movie yet?

The whole band showed up. Really? Mount Joy, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, Mount Joy is fucking awesome. I feel like music. I feel like music is exploding because everyone with an idea decided to get into comedy.

And I'm going to say this. there's too many comedians. Everyone wants to be a comedian. I understand that. I wanted to be a comedian too. Yeah, yeah. And I think if I had your entry level that you guys have now where you just, there's a lot of stages

and you post it online and you throw shit on the wall and see if it sticks. It's a totally different thing. It's a totally different game. How about this? Some of you guys join a band. Start a band. You know what? All the guys you just met at the open mic, you guys pick up instruments and start a band.

Or also don't. How about you can also just be a fan of God? comedy. Yeah. We're going to run out the fucking... So many now. And and, and, uh, and then the, I don't know why, how I got into that. I'm sorry. But it's like, okay, Tom, I'm going to get you out of here. I swear to God. Okay. Baker Curry. Baker Curry. Do you know who he is? Nope. Perfect. Perfect. Do you think it would be easier for you? Tom's, go, stop. God damn it. Well, you guys are so fucking good and bad at this Baker Curry. Curry? Curry.

is what I think I saw it's Curry Baker did I say Baker Curry Curry okay it's Curry Barker fucking shit take it from the top Curry Barker do you know he is no he has the hit movie called obsession yes made it for 750,000 dollars it hit 16 million opening weekend I have seen the trailer I want to see this so badly yes yes yes yes yes Now, Curry Baker. Carrey Barker. Also does comedy. Okay.

He has a comedy sketch group. Quite honestly, is where I've discovered him. Pretty fucking funny. What do you think is easier? You get one million of your dollars to make a comedy movie or a horror movie. What do you think's easier? Easier? Don't defend it.

Don't explain it. And just take a stance. One million dollars. What's, easier to make a hit, a horror movie or a comedy movie? Well, for a multitude of reasons, I would say horror. It's interesting you say that because I have to say horror because Baker, this young man is very talented as a comedic actor.

Yeah, let me just explain something. I don't think it's easy to make a hit horror movie. I'm taking the question just straight up and down. And I think that horror has a, first of all, for the last decade plus has been a genre that people are more drawn towards. People like exploring horror has a huge fan base to say that it's easy. I don't mean it's easy to make a hit, right? There's only a few standouts every now and then. I haven't seen this movie.

I've seen like said the trailer. I'm excited to see it. It looks, the trailer. It looks awesome. I don't think it's easy. I'm saying comparatively, if you go,

which do you have the higher probability of doing well with? I think it's horror. This kid does inarguably great comedy online. Okay. Yet I found it very interesting that,

because I started thinking, what am I more often? Do I giggle more often? or do I get scared more often? And I was like, the second you tap into getting scared, all of a sudden you can find scary angles of life. His next movie, have you seen what his next movie is? No.

Dude, I already, I want to read the script. It looks so good. But here's something that is consistent with horror movies. It doesn't happen with comedies. And every producer will tell you this. You can have a successful horror film without a horror film without a name attached. Yeah.

And that is a, it's almost uniquely done for horror. You rarely see other genres break through to being like hits. Yeah. Without the talent being a reason why. In horror, the story and the storytelling can get audiences in, and they don't have to know any of the faces or names of the people. You need good talent, but it's not like, You know, it's not Ryan Gosling, like, in it, where you go, oh, that's who broke the movie.

Would you rather, would you rather say, say I just sold a horror movie yesterday. Mm-hmm. Okay. Would you rather, and say I also sold a comedy movie. Would you rather star in my comedy movie or my horror movie? That's interesting. As an actor, because there's a lot, I think, and what's fascinating to me, If you just said it like that, I didn't get to read them.

Yeah. I would probably take the horror. Yeah. But I would obviously in real life be like, let me read and digest these. I pitched and sold a horror movie quicker than I've ever sold a comedy. Yeah. And everyone's like, yeah, I'm in. Horror always does well.

Yeah. That's what I really saying. And they're like, yeah, horror always does well. And I was like, that's fucking fascinating. I've been working in comedy. But it's crazy to me. This kid is so talented. Can you pull up his image again since we took it away?

I wish you could see some of his comedy stuff. Yeah. is he's so talented. By the way, his dad's really talented, too. His dad's like a playwright. I've done a little bit of a deep dive on this kid. But can I tell you the fucking... His next movie?

His next movie... Yeah. ...is going to be better than this movie. His next movie, and I'm pitching it, and I apologize to this young man, Curry. Yeah. If I miss pitching it,

his next movie is... What's the name of it? It's called Ghosts. anything but ghosts. Okay. And it's about a group of ghost hunters who are fake and they do ghost adventures and then they encounter a real ghost. That's cool.

I mean, it really is Ghostbusters. But it's a horror movie about ghosts. It's like the ghost adventures that were on Travel Channel and then all of a sudden they find a, not saying that they were shablishers. shills, but like they they're like TV guys, and then they find a real ghost that fucks with them. Uh-huh. That sounds fucking awesome.

Yeah, that's great. That's awesome. Can you read that so it's, I'm, so I'm not. Two fake paranormal investigators must face actual ghosts while dealing with the deception of their own fraudulent business. It's fucking great. Yeah, that's awesome. We'll save the conversation about Arod to another podcast. I'm dying to hear. I would

like you to watch this documentary on ARO. Okay. So we can talk about him. Is it on? It's on H-GOMX, and it is such a fascinating documentary. He's a fascinating figure. He is mind-blowing. His group is mind-blowing, but I'll save it so we can watch it together.

All right. We should have everyone watch the A-Rod doc. I'm down. And we should take calling questions about the A-Rod doc. I'm down. All right. All right, man. All right.

I love you. I love you, too. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of while the other. wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call

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