2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Pimping Podcast Producers | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

SPONSORS: - New Year, New Me! Get Huel for FIFTEEN PERCENT OFF with this exclusive offer for New Customers only with code BEARS at https://huel.com/bears (Minimum $75 purchase). The Winter Bears Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano return for another completely unhinged takeover of 2 Bears 1 Cave. With Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer nowhere to be found, the guys openly admit they once again didn’t prepare, and then immediately spiral into bread rankings, prostate exams, STD horror stories, religion, celebrity gossip, and the most deranged podcast business ideas ever pitched. From focaccia-based trauma, to almost doing business with Jeffrey Epstein’s brother, this episode goes fully off the rails and never checks the map again. Hit subscribe, brace yourself, and remember: this episode exists only because someone might need it someday. https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2 https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 321 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ https://www.stavvy.biz/ https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:38 - Fat Boy Pastry Shop 00:07:42 - Just The Tip 00:11:53 - Sexually Transmitted Hilarity 00:25:13 - Family 00:31:15 - Third World Fun & Legendary Funbags 00:35:13 - Pimping Podcast Producers 00:43:42 - Doing Business With An Epstein 00:54:16 - Health Corner 01:01:52 - In Conclusion Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of Winter Bears. I am Chris DiStefano. This is Stavey Baby. We are taking over for Tom and Bert. Once again, we did the summer bears.

We are reluctantly begrudgingly doing it. We're trying to get the show off the rails. Yeah, no, no, I'm doing with a smile on my face. I'm just not trying at all. Yes. And people didn't really. think we were trying by the end of last time. This will be worse. This is worse. We have maybe four talking points. We didn't prepare. It's early. I haven't had anything to eat. And then I had

just more sugar. I'm literally crashing. Right. I might just have a, I might fall into a diabetic coma. Yes. The the jets are currently beating the Raven seven to nothing in the moment right now. It's going to be really funny when this comes out in like six months. They just have these in like burn has a heart attack. They'll put one of these out. You know what I mean? These aren't even anchored to any time. They're just like, whatever, man, we just need back. You never know when we need a substitute episode. Yeah, yeah, just, you know, Bert's been dead for a year.

And Leanne's just trying to get the money because she realized Bert screwed up the will. Yeah, they're trying to make it seem like they're not trying to announce his death until they can backdate a really a huge life insurance policy on Bert. Yeah, Bert. Actually, for real, I would be shocked if YMH is not working on just AI. podcasting, where they can just plug all the stories Burt and Tom have told. Yeah. They're not even going to need us. You have no

idea how low on the priority list. I respect that. This podcast is for Tom and Bert. I mean, literally Tom opened up a croissant shop called like Gio Bamba something. Lala Bamba. It's like, it means fat little boy in Italian. He said, I'd rather bake croissants than do the podcast. Something has no expertise. No. Which is actually I mean, it's here. It's in Venice. It's in Austin, so go check it out. But it is one of those. When did this start? Does he, I'm sorry, he got, he lost weight and then got into pastries? That doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I know. It's, uh, and here's another one. He lost weight without Ozempic, I believe. I don't know that that's true. That's true. Maybe it's not. I don't think that's true. Yeah, yeah. He did stuff. If he didn't do Ozzyc, he like, he's on, like, adrenachrome. Like, Tom is on some shit that, like, only rich people know about for sure. Yeah. He just has an IV attached to a baby. He's getting stem. He's, he's getting stem, directly from a fee. It's actually going into a pregnant lady's fucking pussy. He's just getting the stem cells. There's having a slow motion abortion into his bloodstream.

Yeah. I mean, it is, it is fascinating how this podcast has just become, I mean, what, literally, he's like, I'll do anything else. And maybe Christina was like, what about opening up a croissant shop? Like, she did it as a bit. And he's like, you know what? Done. He's like, let's do it. Yes, done. Just croissons. Is that all they do? I'm interested in this. It's baked goods. They says right now they're at their fairground food hall below the Wells Fargo building. So if you guys are looking for a lot of, you know, I know your podcast fans are.

They got killer facacia, too. Oh, Faccia. I'm a big facchia guy. Yes, if you guys are looking for a assassination attempt, you want to go to the Wells Fargo building and go to the fairground food hall and just look for the guy in the poor Osos merch and the other guy with has no shirt on

who looks like a croissant. I love faccia. Oh, it's the best. If I had to rank my breads, going, faccafaccage is probably number one, and then a nice sourdough, a crusty sourdough, yeah, and then a country loaf. Dude, it's faccia is number one. And I'll never forget, I was literally sitting at shadowed O'Neill's Bar, once again,

in Mass with Queens. I was sitting all my boys were talking to my boy, I just banged like a 12. Yeah. And he had banged her the night before we're all, you know, Sunday football. A 12 year old. Yes, yeah, yes, yes, remember, this is Islam. So we've converted. So, yeah, you're right.

Straight pro pro, you're Islamic, gay, people are Catholic. Exactly. Now we're talking. That's the common ground that Italians can come up with with Muslims. But I remember that, you know, a friend comes in and he bang this hot check. Actually, that's not fair. I believe Afghan warlords also had a bunch of boys. Yes.

Wasn't that a big thing like troops would come back and they would have to like, they were talking about how weird it was that like everyone they were talking to had like boy slaves? But don't forget about the OGs, your people, the Greeks. Love the boys back in the day. What you needed to do to get to philosophy, when your brain, is working overtime. You don't have time to go out and court a woman. You have to bring a pliant boy over. No. Socrates said it. He said the way that he was able to get his thoughts was prepubescent

cock. That's right. You would teach him a trigonometry and then suck him off. That was the Greek way. That's what it was. By the way, you really retain information. If it's like, memorize this equation and you'll get your dick sucked. I would have been pretty good at geometry. Oh, yeah. Even if it was from, I guess I wouldn't have loved if it was like a, a, balded bearded guy. Right. I would have preferred to be a woman, but hey, whatever it is, it is. I mean, back at the list of it. Maybe I homeschool my kid with a sex worker. 100%. I'm into it. And so this guy came in, we're in Maspeth. We're at the bar drinking. He comes in, bangs his hot

chick, you know, we saw it. It's better than that before. He's great. And then he was like, yeah, dude, I was going down her. It goes, and then my boy was like, oh, yeah, really? What her pussy tastes like? And he went, her pussy tasted like facacia. She had a yeast infection. That's what I said. I was like, you should probably go to the hospital, dude, because that is made with yeast. Yeah. Yeah.

A sprig of rosemary on her clit. Oh, dude, but yes, a facacia, man. You know, I love, so I like Tom's ideas here of just bacon bread. And this is following a trend of comedians. Our good friend Tom Papa gets into sourdough. Tom's been the old school bread guy. In fact, I wonder if Tom's pissed it that, I wonder if Papa's pissed that Tom's coming in on his bread corner. Yeah. You know, he's going to get a very polite shakedown. Well, it is, it is a good

trend for us here as comedians because, like, a couple of years ago, the main thing to do was, like, you get, you know, successful in comedy, then you get into conspiracies and backing presidential candidates and all that stuff. At least now, the big guys are just getting it to bread. Bread. That's good. Nothing wrong with bread. Just getting it a little bread. It's healthy. It's not hurting anybody. Like, so I do appreciate Tom starting a new trend for successful guys getting into bread. Getting it, oh yeah. Yeah, Papa's right there. He's like, need bread. yes exactly yeah tom is doing anything he can to hold on to the to the to the bread corner of the comedy i mean i would be fucking pissed if i'm papa yeah insigura's like he's already got a vodka brand it's like

what do you what do you know what else do you know what else do you how much do you need yeah it's like you have a netflix show you have arena tours now you got to take my you're saying sourdough from tom papa it's like it's like hello tom pop it's like dude i'm doing a freaking serious show with fortune fiendster i'm trying to get that marriage ref money that's right that's right that's right and all I had. I was doing good selling freaking bread. And now here you come. It's despicable, Tom. Come on. Get off my boy, Papa's Corner. Well, you know what?

I'll save my... Ficcaccia. Well, how about this? There's a place in Baltimore did a cheese steak on feccia? Maron. Mamma me. And you would let the juices fucking... This is the fat math I would do. Like, you would... I would get the cheese steak and I would let it sit like seven minutes

just so the juices went into the faccia. And it got it got just absolutely saturated with cheese steak juice but it was to the point where it was still crispy and if you ate it before it got soggy it was like fucking alchemy dude beautiful it was it was uh I could write a poem about that cheese yeah you're writing a haiku on a cheesecake I remember when I was 24

I was pissing all the time and I was like well I got diabetes it finally happened and instead of going to the doctor I went to that cheese steak place and ordered two ficccia cheese steaks and a fucking big-ass thing of fries and I was like this is my final supper before I'm diagnosed with diabetes and then I went and they were like

you don't have diabetes I was like really and they're like yeah there's just something wrong with your fucking something's wrong with my prostate yeah they're like you just have chlamydia

well dude I had to go so I went and there was like something's off with my prostate I don't know what and they were like the way we can figure this out is if here's how they wanted to do it

this was insane they put a tube up your ass and they put a tube in your dick and they pump you full of water of fluids to see where, like, what can't retain the water? And I was like, you know what? I'll just, I'll just piss too much. I'll just piss the rest of my life every 45 minutes.

I don't need like a Jamaican lady shoving a tube up my dickhole. Because they also shoved the tube up my dickhole once to see what happened. I was, I was knocked out for it, thank God. And they claimed there was a blockage in my cock, which doesn't make any sense to me. Yeah, what's in your cock? I don't know. had a little block it was a facacha crumb well I will admit when I saw road trip

you remember road trip where Stifler it's not Stifler it's a different character yeah yeah that got what is it Sean Patrick Austin he's got three names something like that he's a classic it's hilarious yeah but in that show William Scott Sean William Scott that's what it is in that movie remember the hot nurse puts fingers up his ass

yeah so I took a candle and put it up my ass yeah trying to get because they because they made it seem like you press a bus and like just jizz pops out never had any success it just kind of I just I was like this kind of I just kind of hurts yeah this doesn't feel good yeah but I always wonder like did I did that candle up my ass fuck something up did I like root around too much and cause myself did I fuck my prostate up and that's why I've had to piss my whole life and do you still feel like you actively have to piss all the time now I do but I'm also just older and fatter and I feel like you know I've gotten used to it

You know, it's tough when you see a movie, you have to, you have to, you know, I've thought, I've really seriously considered being in a movie theater and just pissing in my fucking soda cup. Sure. But, you know. Yeah. Or that's what you. You don't want to get caught with your little ass dick out, pissing.

Yeah. First of all, you don't want to get caught, but then also, imagine if they got a, my dick is so small. Yeah. You know what I mean? Especially when you, when you're holding in a piss. And, like, doesn't even come over the balls. No, no, no. I would have to, like, I would have to, like, push the fat down to get it over the lip of the cup.

Yeah. Because I've had to, I've pissed driving to real problem. Oh, yeah. Like, I almost have to, like, tip my dick down. Right. If I'm reclining, it's like how a dog's penis disappears. Right. My dick disappears if I'm, like, too relaxed. Yes. And so the last thing I want is an usher at an AMC to see my, basically, it's all foreskin. Yeah. The actual organ has retreated. You're not clipped? No. Interesting. I thought the Greeks get clipped. No, they really don't. Oh, wow. That's how you've actually offended me. Well, I'm sorry. I'm a proud, unclipped warrior. I didn't, I haven't bowed to the, you know, to the Abrahamic faith agenda. Yes. You, you actually, you know, everyone in America is bowing to, you want to talk about being racist, but you're kind of doing what Muslims and Jews tell you to do. That is true. They're all clipped.

Yes. I don't, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't bowed. I didn't, I didn't take a need to Tel Aviv or Mecca. Yeah, I'm doing what I want. I'm here talking all the shit. Meanwhile, I was circumcised personally by the Ottoman Empire. They used a big simtar. Yeah, yeah.

Is that what's called a simtar? I've been on stage calling it a simitar. I've been adding an eye saying Mom Donnie has a simitar. I love that that's your Mom Donnie bit where you needed to phrase Simtar. Yeah, and Mom Donnie's like, Chris, I actually like the bit, but you're saying it wrong. You're proving how dumb you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he would like me, though, Mom Donnie.

I think he would look at me and be like, no, but then I think everybody got to know him. He's a nice guy. Yeah, I think he'd probably like me. He's a cool guy. You would like him. He actually is cool, he would like him. Yeah. And, but, you know, with the prostate stuff. So I actually also had to get not the tube in the front, but the tube up the butt because I had went through a period of my life where I was just, you know, a little sexually promiscuous. And I got chlamydia like too many times. Wow. And so. How many's too many? I think it was like three times in a month or something. Like it was, it was out of control. What was going on? I honestly don't know. I really like to the doctor was like, you know, this is, we don't see this often. So, but, so you would just raw dog.

Yeah, I was, I was, I was, the way, the way that you have described sometimes, like when you eat sometimes it's like to hurt yourself, I was having unprotected sex to like hurt myself. And I was finding women who also, you know, were, like, did not like themselves. And we were just in this miserable sex fest where we were both like, you know, what the hell. And are you nutting any strangers? A couple of times, yeah, yes. Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah. Just nutting in a stranger you met Maspeth Queens A hundred percent Fucking insane Absolutely I'm a different guy now I found the Lord

I'm on the beam and in the program As we say in the history hyenas I'm different But back in these days You know 10 years ago I mean I had a friend who would just Yeah I couldn't believe it

He was like any time he had sex with him He was like yeah I nut inside them Yeah And I was like you don't Like what if she gets pregnant And he just didn't even He was like Yeah I would be like

I'll deal with that when it happens you know yeah i would kind of say like i have a catholic cross on my back and scripture on my arm soldier in the army of christ i'm protected by by the man himself so i'm okay saint peter is guiding the jizz outside of her philopian tubes he's like he's up there on a cloud keep that catholic jizz away yes so i said you know and as jesus will not give you what you cannot handle and all these things right hey guys listen it's end of the year window where your whole body is like dude what have you done for me lately we all know I'm not waking up January 1st, training for a triathlon.

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And it stops me from doing the thing where I say, I'm just going to grab something quick. And then I end up eating 4,000 calories and going like, how did that happen? and I did not want to eat fried pickles. That happened to me last night. I got home after a Christmas party, and I started eating potato salad by the serving spoon size. Not tonight, though. Tonight on my ride to the airport, I'm drinking my huel.

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Something like that. And they were like, we got to check out your prostate. And I remember the nurse or nurse practitioner, whoever, she was like an old school Russian lady. And she was like, you know, they laid me on the table. And she was like, have you ever done this before? And I was like, no. She's like, okay, baby, this not going to feel good. And she goes, but we have to do this check, you're okay.

And then I remember as she was putting the tube, like, a real deal tube up your eye. This is like, well, whatever the machine, I don't know if it was a tube, but it was like a, it was like a machine that was like a machine that was specifically. It was one of those silicone fists. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. To use, to like check the prostate. Yeah. She was doing it. And she saw me like, I was like laid on my side and I was like like like this. And she saw you go, uh, I mean, ew. And she's. She puts the two over here. She's like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like. opening my mouth. She's like, no, no, no, no, this is in your butt. You're putting your fingers in your mouth? Yeah, I'm like, can you choke me? And so she's putting the, the thing up my butt with her right hand and just petting my head with her left. And you're nutting? Just, yeah, just calming me down. I'm like smelling her fingers. Getting something up your ass and an affectionate pat is crazy. It was crazy,

dude. And she told me up just like, I just felt so terrible for you. So she's just, and then, but I was fine. Everything was fine. Um, um, But I do, and then when I was 17, I actually thought I had an S, this is how, you know, stupid. Like, I had had sex with one girl. Right. It was that clear, uneducated, like Catholic school in my life. And I thought I had AIDS, full AIDS. Dude, me too.

I got jerked off. Yeah. And I was like, I have an STD. Sure. And it was the first, because I was about to, I was like seeing, I had a college girlfriend and I was finally going to get to have sex. I didn't fuck till college. But before that, I had just like a girl, a random girl, like, touched my dick at a,

a random hookup that went horribly. Like, I couldn't get hard. I was, like, too drunk to get hard and nervous to get hard. But I was like, she's some dirty bitch. She's got, whatever was on her fingernails got into my dick hole, and now I have fucking AIDS. And then, so I got like an SDD.

And they made me do the whole, like, in hindsight, it's just like, you're so stupid and uneducated about sex. And I had to get the Q-tip swab. That's what I, in the tip of the dick, and it hurt so bad. It's like the feeling, and it was so, dude, I just imagine you getting jerked off in like the parking lot of Towson.

University in the outskirts of Baltimore. No, I never had luck at Towson, even though they were. Apparently they were sluts, but it never worked out for me. I heard they were big-time whores there. And then Rutgers is the other one in New Jersey. They called Slutgers, big STD school. Yes. I went to St. Joe's, of course, they're called St. Hose. Beautiful. Beautiful, gorgeous. But yeah, I do, I got to be honest, it is now not, like I'm 41 years old. And even though my life at times, of course, is chaotic. There's a degree of, as we said on last episode,

overwhelmingness that comes over me. But it is good to know to like, you're with one woman, you're locked in with your family. Like the calmness of not having to worry that you have an STD outweighs banging the chick. Yeah.

And I had to live through that to find, like this is, I like this. Who were these people giving you chlamydia? Do you remember? I remember like their demographics. Do you remember anything about them? Does it all run together?

It all, I would say, you know, it was one of those things where back in those days, I would, you know, I just started comedy. So I would assume I was having sex to, like with the same kinds of women as the other comics were having sex in the New York City open rights scene. Exactly. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. The people whom, you know, you watch headline arenas now. Yeah. We were sharing women back in those days. I don't know. You don't remember a single one?

I was never able to pin down who or why. I just, you know, I just got it. But this, again, I was like. Because sometimes it's worth it. Right. Sometimes you get a type of head. Yeah. Like I got some just tremendous head.

And a girl texted me and she was like, she had something weird. It was like scabies. It was like some kind of like dirty disease. Where is she a pirate? Dude, it was insane. She's like, I had rickets. She's like, I'd eat some vitamin C. Yeah, I had scurvy.

Can you look up what scabies is? I think it was scabies. But scabies, isn't it like, that's like a skin disease, right? That's like, lice. Is it scabies like a light? but tiny burrowing might call. Yes, she had a kind of, she had, she went to some kind of like,

she went to like a retreat in a yurt somewhere. Oh my God. And they got scabies and she was like, are you banging a Mongolian? But she was great. I mean, I don't know what she's up to. I might hit her. Literally, she was so cool, hot,

and the head and pussy were so good that I was like, yeah. Skabies shmabies. And I didn't have it. But dude, it was also before my special taping. So I'm like, am I going to do this special with scabies? Skabies. I'm not going to have a fucking rash in my own.

Well, dude, do you know the Mark Norman story? No. So, dude, we did our Comedy Central half-hour specials. We did it in Boston, right? In like 2013 or 14. But anyway, Mark Norman, he's talked about this openly, did that special with full-blown, like, out-of-control Benjamin Franklin-level syphilis.

And he had to take this medicate. Pull up Mark Norman, half-hour Comedy Central Presents. Look at how swollen his face is. when you look back and then pull up that picture look at mark norman's face he's like having like a reaction yeah yeah yeah yeah the medicine wasn't working at like a full-blown like medically and look at how fat and bloated his faces you're right and he talks about how he just was you know like out he was like in full syphilis like founding father level condition like he does look like shit look at his face there that's not what mark looks like now i mean he was always he was a little

fatter back then because i feel like he was hitting the booze harder right but that is even another level. Like he has a straight, like that looks like a fat guy. No, he, because he has, he's having like some type of reaction to the penicillin given to him. That's crazy. Because he needed because he couldn't get through the set. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So syphilis is, you know, that's a crazy one to get. Yeah. That's old school. Yeah. I'm not saying any private info. He said it publicly before. Yeah. And also, even if I did, what would Mark give a shit? Whatever. Fuck Mark. Even if you are, who cares. Yeah. He's also like you were reformed. I bet he's a reformed raw dog oh yeah dude new orleans dude they were they were like scumbags don't yeah yeah yeah so but but it is

it is a nice it is nice i'm at the eight where do you 36 six yeah can we talk about syphilis a little more before let's yeah please because doesn't it i love that it also just makes you go insane yeah so people would get syphilis and just go like didn't al capone go crazy yes al capone um i di amin they're they believe nero and people in history because what it does actually what what syphilis actually does is like the disease is it climbs up your spinal cord like a ladder and it goes vertebrae vertebrae by vertebrae and then starts eating at your brain so a lot of the stuff in history now they have you know educated guesses that when somebody would just snap and start to kill their people and crucify it was they had syphilis they was just eating their brain because those

the like Hitler was a good guy he just had syphilis I think he's the one example that didn't have it yeah yeah yeah he was like he had a little ass dick yeah that's what he was a little ass dick yeah that's they say and Epstein too. He was, yeah, and he married his cousin or whatever. Um, so yeah, unfortunately, he's not a good guy, Chris. Well, back in the day, if you look into the hit past, I mean, dude, a lot of your, a lot of your good guys are not good guys. I mean, even Gandhi, you used to bang out his niece. No, no, no, didn't he used to, he didn't use to bang or didn't he used to, he slept in bed with a child because he was like, I'm showing how strong I am. I'm resisting child. But I know what you mean, but it's like, that's so funny that this guy that everyone talks

about is like this moral, when you whatever. He did good stuff for India, obviously, but it's like to him, the ultimate, the ultimate temptation was sleeping in bed

with your fucking niece. That was like, you can't come up with something more tempting than that. He was like, look, I would sleep in bed with her and I would not touch her.

Now, I would have one of my helpers push my dick into her ass. Yeah, the Mormon. Yeah, the Mormon bed choking. Got me invented soaking. Yes. Yeah, I mean, of course, no one is,

no one in history is a fucking, is good but it's also funny that the syphil you're right because the only people that got to fuck that much were like leaders yeah so that's why they all got fucking syphilis yeah dude when you when you look back it's you see it it's like pretty clear as day because it's not that those diseases weren't there they were there just was no medication yeah to treat it yeah and i think much like today how like you know everybody has that friend who like just tears through puss and never gets an sdd that there's people existed back then these guys would just tear through puss but the one of the one Like, I would not have made it back in the day because, I mean, I would have been taken out

immediately. You'd have been taken out by chlamydia. Right away, dude. I'm going insane. Untreated chlamydia, your dick's going to, like, puffing up like a baboon's ass. You have, like, red balls. Now it's good to know, like, any time I feel any type of, like, pain and urination, I'm like, it's probably prostate cancer, which is, that's fine.

That's fine. You're ready to go. Well, at least you don't have to deal with the shame of your family. Right, right, right, right, right, right. You know, that's how I look at it now. You would just get that prostate taken out. Yeah, just get it taken out and deal with it. with it because I like I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm

not going to sell my house. That's good, Chris. I'm glad. I'm glad you've changed your mind in a week's time. Yes. Yes. I've just been able to, you know, calm it down, breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth, box breathe, breathing through my box, and just figure out what I'm doing, you know? Yeah. And what do you think that is? Well, I think what I'd like to do is I'd like to hold on as long as I can. Yeah. Um, and then be ready when eventually my wife comes to me and says that she, you know, it's over for her. Yeah. And then just have something lined up, you know, like an apartment or something lined up. Like, you're now going to get married. Have you gotten married? We have not gotten married yet, but, but I just do like saying my wife. I like preemptively

kind of preparing for it. How are the wedding preparations going? So, so far, uh, we've, We were locked in on a venue, and then I very abruptly, like, you know, I had a bad hour, and I lost the deposit on that venue, and I said, we're not getting married there. We should pick a new venue. And so we put on a deposit, this is all true. We put in a deposit on another venue. And then I didn't like that one. And we're now back at the original venue. We've paid the deposit. We've paid three deposits for the same venue. That's crazy. Yeah. So what's going on, man. I just, do you feel like you need control in your life? Is that what you're doing? Well, I feel like through therapy, what I've realized is my father was again. gambling addict and guess what? So am I. Even though I just don't use cards. I just don't bet on the Vig. You know? I bet on other things. So you never bet. You never touched it. No, no, no. That was my father's main thing to me growing up. He was like, I ruined my life with gambling. So you will not ruin your life with gambling. I don't even want you learning card games. I don't want you learning anything. And so I said, great, I'm not a gambling addict. I won't learn. And then as time has

went on, I'm like, you know what, dad, that you should have just told me to gamble on sports because now I I'd just gamble on everything else. I gamble on things that are even more high stakes. You were raw dogging everyone you met for fucking 10 years. Each nut was a roll of a dice. Yeah, exactly. And you're not winning anything. You're just not going to lose.

Yeah, now I've lost my family and I'm living in an apartment with AIDS. Yeah. You never, I guess, I guess sex probably was your addictive thing. Yeah, that was the addictive. Because, I mean, I eat a lot too, and I eat a lot of sweets. but I think I also then try to work it off or like shame myself so I can stop but at the point of my life

it was like yeah it was like the sex or the compulsive just jerking off like something with shame shame shame and that all came from Catholicism too was like you're a bad boy you're a dirty pig I know I mean shout out to repressive religion because the biggest freaks I've ever encountered

are like ex-mormons X like fundamental Christians X like strict Muslims they've all been the biggest freaks. So salute to religion. Salute to religion. We're kind of becoming the number one hoe academy out there. 100%.

And I'm also a new development with me is I'm also back in with Catholicism. Oh, yeah. I've started going back to church, bringing the family back to church. But we're going in a more healthy way now where it's like I'm not going to scold myself and have to like, you know, go jerk off in the parking lot if I miss a Sunday. Sure. What do you think of the new pope? I do like the...

Is he too well? woke for you? No, that no, well, he is a little woke, but, but the fact that he's an American guy from Chicago and probably most likely has mafia ties, he's, he, Pope Leo is actually, is, is kind of cool. I like him. And I like that he looks exactly like our good friend Lenny Marcus. You're so right. He does look like Lenny Marcus. Yeah, so I like, I like the Pope. I actually, to be honest with you, I haven't really been much on social media and the internet, so I don't really know what's going on. I mean, I don't...

He really does look like the Pope. Exactly. So I don't really know much about it. I mean, what do you think of him? I mean, look, he's, as far as popes go, he seems pretty good. I mean, he had lunch with some trans women recently. Like, he also talked about how ice, what they're doing with ICE is un-Christian and like, we should be helping our neighbors.

And it's like, you know, just because people are refugees doesn't mean you're allowed to treat that. You just snatched them up off the streets. When he said that, that made my friends kind of. headspin because they're like, wait, what? The Pope said what we're doing ain't good? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is funny because you know he is really, there are certain people who will choose Trump over the Pope, which is so fucking funny. You know, there's like some kind of types of Protestants that are like, no, we must follow Donald Trump, a pious man. Yes. But it is really, it is, he has been interesting. It's kind of like the way that the last pope basically said like, hey, if you're

gay, uh, you might not go to hell. Like that was the big thing. And they're like, this guy's too, whatever. Yeah. I'm interested in this guy. Chicago guy. Yeah. Chicago kid. I like a woke Pope personally. Uh, I think, you know, gay people, obviously the church should be accepting of gay people. I think it's fucking stupid to quote like Leviticus and shit. It's like the same shit tells you you can't eat shrimp or wear fucking cotton polyester blends. It's like the same the same ones tell you're not allowed to fuck people in the ass. Right. Unless you're wearing like a fuck pure wool. Yeah. And never eating fucking shrimp and keeping kosher and whatever the fuck it tells you to do?

Yeah. Lay off gay guys. Listen, dude, I'm all good with the Pope. I just hope that he just, just, I'd like our people like this to just kind of stay in the media, like, just do the homilies, just do church, just do like. Shut up and dribble. The morning news, shut up and dribble. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want to see you doing a live podcast at the

Chicago theater. You know what I mean? I know that you want to talk to the youth, but I really, I don't need, I don't, I wouldn't, I don't want to see you on flagrant. I don't want to deal with... Oh, my God, the Pope on fucking Theo's podcast. Yes, I like that to stop. I like all that to stop.

I know that we have podcasts and it's fun. You know, you say that? Theo, I would like to see Talk to the Pope. Dude, is it... I just saw a meme today that Theo's dating like the mom of like the quarterback at Vanderbilt or something. Did you see that?

I know that he was trying to fuck her, which salute. I don't know if it's real or not then. Maybe it was. Theo was literally like hollering at this kid's mom. Great. Who is a dime. She's a dime piece. And the kid's awesome and Vanderbilt's good.

and, you know, Theo's in, it would, it would be a very beautiful Tennessee love story. Right. It would be a very, and Theo could use a good woman in his life, I think, you know? Yes, yes. Yeah, I, I see things late, not being on the internet now and, like, never going on social media. It's like, I feel like, you know, I'm in like a third world country when they get a movie that's been out, like, for five years. They're like, look, we have the hangover. Yeah.

Like, I feel that. Like, a lot of times I'll bring something up and you're like, yeah, that happened six months ago. Yeah. Well, we don't know. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, right? cares about. I like, I like that too. I think the happy, you're much happier in like third world countries, I think, like Greece, I think about how much fun it was to go over there. They don't know

what the fuck's going on. We're watching, what you just said, I remember watching Dunkirk. Yeah. The theaters in Greece in the summer, they're outdoors. It's like a movie theater. You're smoking. You're having fucking sunflower seeds. One of the best memories of my life is just pulling a weed pen, eating fucking oregano potato chips, and watching Dunkirk. Outside. It was fucking awesome. Just getting horny to Tom Hardy's voice and a... Those lips. Those beautiful lips.

They shouldn't have figured out a way to show those lips off. Tom Hardy needs to be the new robocop. Dude, Tom Hardy's gay, too. He used to be gay, I believe. Oh, now he's bad. I saw an interview where he was like, yeah, when I was a kid, I sucked a little dick. Right.

But that's childish behavior. Like him, that's childish behavior. That's growing up in Ridgewood. Yeah, that's child. Tom Hardy, I would say... He was a piece of ass, too. He was like a little twink. He is my favorite actor.

Tom Hardy is my guy any type of So Tom Hardy is the only actor for me personally If he's in a movie or a TV show I watch it specifically for him I don't know other actor or actress really has that power Over me personally But Tom Hardy like it like the show Mobland Which I love that show

I only watch it because he was in it I'm excited to see it it looks both good and bad I thought it's great trash but with great actors Yes I thought it was great I put it up there with bad thoughts on Netflix the right yeah it's just as i mean yeah it has just as impressive a cast yes uh yeah maybe you know yeah bad thoughts brosden tom hardy and uh helen me by the way you want to talk about piece of ass helen me helen mehelen mehren back in the day i mean to this day one of the hottest

old ladies i've ever seen my go-to is i like jamie lee curtis yeah i like her and i still to this day masturbate to her dancing and true lies true lies uh you see your tits in um uh trading places That was an early pair of breasts that I saw as a child. And they've stayed with me. I mean, she's... Sometimes I still snap off a little bit to Dolly Pardin. Sure. Yeah.

Sure. You want to... Again, young Dolly, great stuff. Love her. And really did a lot for the humongous tits community. Yes. There was not really a mainstream celebrity with really over the top huge tits. Right.

And she really was one of the first. Yeah, so she's a pioneer in that sense. She's a pioneer in gigantic tits. Yeah, that's good. I mean, come on. I mean, respect. Absolutely. with bass. And by the way, of course she had gigantic, but also pioneer in country music, Chris.

Yes, she is. Incredible singer. Obviously, let's lead with her talents. Yeah. And also, but yes, as a youth, had I seen her breasts before I had heard her music. A hundred percent. Yes, I'd like to play her tits like bongos. It really was a thing as a kid where I was like, whoa. Yeah. This is awesome. Yeah. Someone can have tits this big. And then Elvira. I remember seeing Alvira as a little kid. Sure. Because she did some kind of weird. She'd be on, like, maybe Nick at night or some shit. And I was like, what the hell's going on here? Yeah.

Just a little remembering getting horny as a child. Yeah, I like that. We're taking a little detour to get horny as children. To get horned up. And that, yeah, that brings me to our next point of maybe we should pull a page out of Tom and Bird's book and groom a girl and get her on only fans. Yeah. What the fuck was going on with that?

Dude, I think that they were on to something except I think they picked the wrong sex. Let's do a guy. Let's get Benson's spoon. Let's take Benson spoon. Oh, you think we should turn out Benson? Yes. Turn out Benson. and say, you know what?

Let's get you to the next level. Let's sell that boy pussy Benson. Exactly. On Only fans. Get Spoon out there. You're right, because look, right now he's Benson's Spoon, but let's make him fake Benson Boone. Yes.

Let's let people who want to fuck Benson Boone. All right, we'll get Benson Spoon. We'll get him on, I'll give him some of my Zepound. Yeah. All right? He'll lose the extra couple pounds he's got. We'll get him on, we'll get him Tom's trainer. Yes.

We'll get him a jumpsuit. We'll get him doing backflip. He'll start backflip. I'll get him a Siberian Husky to get his cardio in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll start back flipping on, like, repressed gay Mormon businessmen. Yes. We want to actually fuck real Benson Boone.

Yes. And we take a cut of every load he takes, we get a piece of that. Exactly. And I think that, and that's the future. And that's what I think. So the guys had a good idea, but it wasn't executed properly. And they didn't look at the talent they had in-house. In-house.

You know, we can definitely pimp out Benson's food. A hundred percent. So I think Benson Spoon's a guy, and then he's our horse, and maybe we even get him in there with a horse, and we get on OnlyFans. And this is the idea. So what we do here on Winter Bears is we take some of the ideas that the guys had, because you can't deny Tom and Bert's success. It's next level. So they obviously have amazing ideas. But they sometimes miss the mark just a little bit, and we're here to help them get the bullseye. And the bullseye is Benson Spoon's open asshole on OnlyFans. Yeah, well, I'm not just talking only fans. We do need to do in-person meetups. So you think, yeah. I want old school pimping. Yes.

I want to really work. That's how you really got to break your podcast producer down. Yeah. You make him suck dick for money as well. Right. It's not enough to clip stuff up. It's like, I have a businessman from Japan who wants to fuck Benson Boone. You're going to go in there.

You're going to put on a sequin jumpsuit. You're going to try your best to do a backflip. We've got to get him in gymnastics classes. Yes. He's got to start doing backflip. My daughter's in gymnastics. you can come with her. Yeah. Yep.

And then you'll fucking suck off, you know, Mr. Isamaka. Right. And, you know, and then we'll all go out for sashis. We'll have fun. $2,000. You'll get $200 of that, Benson, you know. So it helps you. It helps you.

In order in an effort to keep costs of living down and we're going to move this operation because it's now moving into full-blown prostitution, we're going to move this operation to Detroit. Yeah. We're going to downtown on Detroit. Well, why don't we go to the, why don't we go to the, why don't we go to Nevada, where it's legal, you know, right next to the Bunny Ranch, we'll do the fucking boy pussy ranch. Yeah. We'll do the, yes. And how about this? Maybe, oh, maybe we just

the Bussy Ranch. The Bussy Ranch. We'll do the Bussy Ranch. And maybe, maybe we're overthinking this. Instead of, we'll just do pot, we'll pimp out podcast producers. Yes. You know, we'll everyone's going to suck. We'll have eldest sucking guys off. Elders sucking guys off. Homeless pimp sucking guys up. He's got the name already. And he's like the alt. He's the alternative one. He's got the cute pants, you know, the glasses. We got my guy who works with me, Steve Chaconi-Ricerone. He's a little guy, so he's good for sometimes.

A little fetish guy. If you've got a small dick, we'll put him in a diaper. Yes. You know what I mean? He'll have a rattle. He'll say goo-go-gag-a while he sucks your dick. 100%. The producer of history hyenas, Jesse Scuturo,

he's into sculpting and he's more of an artist, so a little more high-brow. He'll kind of get banged out and then sculpt the man's penis while he's laying there in a pool of his own jiz. We can get this. We could get a good old Jamie, Joe Rogan's Jamie. Well, that's high.

That's a big ticket item. That's the big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to fuck Jamie. That'll cost you a million dollars. Like to fuck Jamie is like now that's like Prince Andrew. Yeah. Dude, you know like these loser tech AI guys.

Oh yeah. They would love to fuck a podcast producer. A hundred percent. Sam Alden just coming in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just blowing a load and all over Jamie.

Yeah. Big dog. Yeah. Yeah. This is a good idea, man. Yeah, I think so. So again, I think the guys were on to something here. And let's not really look.

We can't forget any. He's also going to get his ass fuck too. He's in there. Yes. Good old Eddie. Yeah. Somebody wants a little caramel prick. You know what I mean?

That's what it is. Yeah. Like that, yeah. He's trying to go. He's trying to sneak away from the camera. Yeah, yeah. He's at the far end of the frame. It's all fun in games until you make a black guy gay. Yeah.

And then they're like, no, no, fuck that, dude. My community don't fuck with that. That's your white boy shit. Yeah. This is absolutely white boy coded. These are white boy riffs, if I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is white people.

Talking about pimping out your male friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's true, you know. Yeah. I want, I think pimping, you know, let's make it a man, let's make it intergender. Yes. That way, you know, women, pimpe out women, men, pimpe out men, you know. Kind of ancient Greek about it.

And to be honest. New York City might be the spot for it because Mom Donnie wants to legalize prostitution. So that could work for us in a big way. Sure, yeah. That's true. We can keep my apartment in Queens and that can be the shop house. Everyone can come in. One room

is the podcast room. The other room is... Well, actually, here's what we do. We put a glory hole that leads directly to the producer's booth. They get at the same time suck dick while they're editing a fucking on episode. Make it easy for them. Yeah. Get a sponsor. It's all sponsored by Liquid Death.

We'll need a lube sponsor. Yes. Yes. So this is an actual viable operation because this is what, you know, people are getting bored with just the podcast. Right. People are getting bored with just the stand-up. Right. So if you have, you know, simultaneously your producers in a prostitution ring against their will.

Against their will. That's big. But we have cameras on that. Then the fan will say, you know what? Maybe I will join your Patreon. Yeah. And yeah, we'll put the glory hole dick sucks behind. the paywall. Yes, which is this, you know, it's capitalism. And that's the way we, that's using

every part of the buffalo. We charge the guy to get his dick sucked. We charge other guys to watch the guy again. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we got to do this. Just being in the studio, business is rubbing off. Yes. You do become a business man. Yeah. Yes. Now this is, we have to get this idea out and patent in before it's done at Skangfest. Oh my God. You're right. I'm actually, I bet you this is happening already at Skangfest. Lewis is 100% pimping out. But, you, it's done. But, you're They're not even producers. They're unpaid interns. Yeah, he's like, you want to make it in this business?

I mean, DeRosa, remember when he looked up with that trans girl? Sure. That's essentially what we're talking about. Dude, I remember going home to my family. I was at that Skangfest. I remember going home to, like, you know, jazz put the kids to bed. And she's like, so, babe, how was like your weekend? And I'm like, you know, it was great.

And then I'm just like, you know, because you get so immersed in comedy. And, you know, you forget, like, our wives and family members are, like, not in comedy every day as we are. They're more normal people where we're, of course, more. course more abnormal people of course and so I'm telling her she's like I wasn't like oh it's great and I'm telling her like as if it would get a laugh I'm like oh yeah and then de Rosa got like sucked off by a trans person like in front of the audience it came in five seconds and I'm telling it like how crazy is like she's like oh my god what how nuts and she was like I want you to really reevaluate

who you hang out with in this business because she was like you know you have a family you have like I don't know why you're around these types of people anymore and I'm like it's funny I was like come on he's got sucked off like he's cool with it and she was like Chris like I'm just gonna go to bed yeah and I just want you to really think about what's going wake up tomorrow and I'm like oh yeah damn yeah it is funny but it is like that is the one where it's like it's like like here's the thing him hooking up with a with a fan after the show yeah great but the fact that everyone knows that he's just in another room actively getting his dick and then he comes back saliva still drying on his fucking prick and he's like

goes back to riffing. Yeah. That's insane. That's insane. And I tip my cap to Skanksfetch's for that. And the beauty of all that is Lewis Gomez's cowboy hat never moved an inch. Staying the place the whole time. Yeah. And then so we got

so now, so what's very interesting is here we are doing winter bears. Tom's got the pastry shop. So then he's got bad thoughts. And now Bert has said, you know what? This sounds bad. I don't want to do the podcast. He said, let me go do the medium that even less people watch a sitcom. Bird said, let's do a multi-cam Netflix sitcom.

Now, do, you know, I'm making fun of Bird here, but in reality, I also have a sitcom in development that did not get picked up. Wow, that's what I'm going to say. So, he's just doing the thing you've been trying desperately to do for eight years. You know, all, all. How many pilots has it been, Chris?

Nine. Yeah. Yes. Oh for nine. Yes. And the idea is just like, you know, Italian and a Puerto Rican wife, basically. Yeah, like so far, like I make fun.

is but so far it's like Bert's living this amazing career and I'm my career is just I'm like Bert if he never made it out of Tampa yeah if he was just a guy outside Splitters that's me yeah but but so so birth's got that sitcom out so I don't know when that's coming out but obviously check that out on Netflix but I my my guess is if they if we do somehow get convinced to come back here and do spring bears yeah we will be back here for spring bears yeah probably, if I had to guess. Yeah. I don't know.

You know, what are we going to do? Maybe we should do it. We did this one in Austin. We did New York, Austin. Maybe we go somewhere tropical for spring bears. Oh, that's an interesting one. Make them fly us out somewhere to an island. Oh, yeah.

Take, yeah, maybe we do it on Epstein's Island. That'd be awesome. It's empty. They're not using it now. Yeah, as I said, we're doing it to YMH Island. Yeah, I'm not doing it on Burt's cruise. No, I refuse to do that. Yeah.

Yeah, let's look into getting Epstein's Island. Okay. That way we can do, then we can run a little pilot program of our other idea, wink, wink. Yep. Don't worry about it, Bency. Just show up and, hey, don't just have clear broth for a couple days before you come out. No chili, no dairy. Yeah.

Let's keep that intestine clear. Yeah. Yeah. And if you could just, you know, just because we really want to pump the first one, And if you could really just kind of go on Mateo Lane's Instagram and just watch kind of what he looks like, what he does, and then just get prepared because we might have a nice surprise guest for that first opening. Well, actually, that's a good point. Would it be easier to find a ripped gay guy and teach him podcast producing or to try and make podcast producers hot? Some of the most disgusting-looking people on earth are pot. Because they're like they're like comedians who don't have to be in front of the camera. So it's like that's the only thing. This is like, imagine how horrible I'd look if I wasn't photographed. hours a week. This is me trying. Imagine if I was a podcast producer how much like shit I would look. So maybe we've got the wrong idea. Now, having said that, we're not going to spare

Benson's hole. He's going to get, we're going to get a train run through him. But let's also try a pilot program where we teach a gay guy or like a promiscuous gay man who wants to be pimped out. We teach him podcast producing. And then we see who's the better boy whore slash producer. And then the fans are incentivized to stay with us for the next. eight to 12 weeks to see who's going to win and then you know they can vote and it's a whole thing and then this is how you get social media involved

I love this and all those things so I think that that is a genuinely a genuinely good idea that yeah that I would assume Bert and Tom are willing to put their money into producing as long as it means they don't have to sit in a room and do the podcast I think they rather watch their producer

than sit down and do a podcast he's like yeah he's like sounds good to me sent from my iPhone you know what I mean he's just never cool just not even just a thumbs up emoji sent from my iPhone yeah and we're like all right great how does it care yeah so I think that that it's interesting it's interesting you know you know we were talking there what do you think they're doing with Epstein's Island right now nice real estate well I'll tell you this speaking of real estate I'll tell you this me and Yanni, looking for a new

history in the studio in downtown Manhattan. So we go, the real estate. How's it looking? I'm looking as well. So it's looking certain parts are good. If you really, I'm going to, actually, it's good that you ask this. If you really want to get a good deal, you might have to get in with some kind of nefarious

adjacent people. So we go and we go to this place. It's this loft like spot that's dope. That's a couple of G's less than every other place we look. looked at. And the realtor says, you know, you might recognize this guy. It's all good. You know, he bears resemblance to a guy that is very famous. But he's a good dude. He's all, everything's

good. You know, he like lives here on one side of the loft, but he's almost never here. And, you know, he's here right now because he wants to show you this spot and he wants to give you guys a great deal. So we go, the elevator doors open. And we look at this guy and we're like, kind of looks familiar but me and Yonos are kind of looking at each other and the whole time we're looking at the space we're like, who is this dude? Yeah. So we go.

Incredible deal. The place is awesome. You're like what's the catch? What's the catch? And he's very well put together. He had like a scarf on very well put together and he's kind of funny and he's very charismatic and we're like, this is interesting. It's in a great location. It's got like perfectly set up for podcasting.

And me and Yonis are looking at him and whatever and then he goes, you know, we're all done and he gets into the elevator with us and he goes so what do you guys think and yonis was like you know what sir like we really we like this and he goes okay he goes well i'll give you my card gives us this card he goes you call me when you want to make a deal this place is yours i'll hold it for you for a week and it's yours so we get out and we look at the card and we look at it and then it hits us who it is his name was mark epstein it was jeffrey epstein's brother shut the fuck google mark epstein jeffrey epstein's

brother tried to sell us a podcast space yeah you're considering renting studio space from Mark Epstein? Yes. Oh my God. And then when we hit it, we were like, should we do it? And then... So the guy in the Epstein...

Should we do it? I was like, it is a great deal. It's better than doing it over the stand, those fucking criminals. Who do you want to be in with? The Italians or the Epstein's? You just want to fucking record a podcast where they had like

15 Russian teenagers penned in and fucking wait? They just had them in little stalls the way you have puppies in a fucking, like a breeding mill. Yeah, yeah. They have like a little cereal dry feeder in like a water bottle.

Yeah. And then fucking, uh, billionaires would come through and be like, hmm, I'll take that one and that one. C-7? Yeah.

Like a vending machine? Oh, yeah, so that's why the- Mark Epstein. That's why the deal was so good. So if you're looking for a really good deal, he's the guy.

I'm not. Yeah. I'm not looking for that level of deal. Well, because him and I were like, you know what? We were like, we can't possibly do it there

because then we're like, What happens if, like, we're filming the podcast there, and then there's some, like, nut who just wants to get revenge and he thinks that Mark Epstein's still there, and then he just blows up the podcast studio, we get killed. And by the way, this isn't like, okay, it's Epstein's brother, but, you know, they have different lives. He was the president of his brother's investment company

and executive of OSA property. So he is involved. And he's the one who was emailing him about Trump sucking Clinton's dick. Really? That was the one. We was talking about Bubba sucked him off. Oh, interesting. Listen, in fairness, I only met him briefly.

He's a very nice guy. Yeah. Very nice, charming, charismatic guy. I don't know really anything about what he did in his life with his brother. But I'm just saying, in the flesh, nice man, and a very good podcast deal. If it saves you $1,500 between you and Janus, 750 a month, it's okay to podcasts at a place where unspeakable evil has occurred. Listen, it's all, as I told you, I'm into investing now.

It's all about compounding It's all about compounding interest Oh my fucking God You really You legitimately met Mark Epstein We had no idea going in But we were like whoa And it was kind of one of those moments

We were standing on whatever street in the city And we were like As soon as we saw the name It was like whoa Because when you first seen me He looks like and you're like Dude I've seen this guy's face before Can we go to his wiki

Let's just get a little more about Mark Epstein Yeah He's a public thing figure. I'm not like exposing him. He's an American property developer and the brother of child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. What a great start. Yep. A former artist, Epstein has been a real, a former artist, I'm sure his fucking paintings were really good. Uh, I mean, yeah. Oh, he also had a real estate, a t-shirt printing business. Oh, this one, a modeling agency and a charter company. Yeah. That's crazy. He literally, a modeling agent and a charter company just means he was a sex

trafficker. He fucking found the people to traffic and he had the planes to take the modeling agency was called Fisher Price. This is so fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, these guys were definitely, you know, I mean. Well, but here's the thing. When you're trying to look for a studio down here in New York City, a lot of the buildings are owned, you're probably going to deal with some type of scumbag who owns the building. And so you're going to have to deal with a little bit of that. There are levels to it though, Chris. If you want to draw the line at Epstein, you know, hey, you know, I got a great deal. What's the catch? Well, my brother Saddam Hussein. Is that a problem? That's fucking insane. So, yeah. I can, well, I look forward

to you signing the deal with him. Yes, right. Wow, dude, that's fucking nuts. You'll come do the pod and be our first guest. Oh, you would love that. That would be a good pod. Yes. He said he didn't know why he stopped. Oh, this is very funny. In 2024, Mark said he did not know why Jeffrey's friendship with Donald Trump ended. He said that Jeffrey had said on tape that he stopped hanging out with Donald Trump when he realized Trump was a crook. Epstein was like, ah, this guy's a little shady. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about this guy anymore. Anyway, where's the new shipment of Lithuanian children? Where's the, yeah, can we, can you get on the phone with that Lithuanian orphanage? We're kind of running low on stock.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's fucking, um, let's see. It's Tony Blair's birthday. Right. We want to treat them right. Yeah, so that's, you run into some people here. Yeah. That's, you know, you're really rubbing elbows with high society in Manhattan. That's what it is, man.

You got Mom Donnie. I got Epstein. I think I know. Yeah, I'm pretty glad with that. Yeah. I'm happy to be on that side of it. Dude, Diet Coke, you know Diet Coke's, I just read a study that the chemicals in Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome in such a way that while you're digesting that

diet Coke, your personality. is actually changing. So whoever you are before the Diet Coke is not who you are as you're consuming the Diet Coke. Because they realize now the gut-brain connection, like who you are, your personality,

your thoughts are not as... They are, of course, in the brain, but they're also in the gut. And Diet Coke's change your gut microbiome to where you are actually a different person. So just know that about you. And what do you think? So it's interesting because the second I started drinking Diet Coke,

I started fantasizing about her own and spoons. Exactly, dude. Maybe Diet Coke's turning out. me into a gay sexual predator that makes sense yeah three more please

yeah yeah yeah that's interesting you know I like that because I feel like legit I do think there's a type of like slutty girl that likes Diet Coke 100% they have a cool person eye they're like bubbly they like you know what I mean pretty good at giving head in my limited experience

So maybe keep crushing these diet coats. Keep crushing those Diet Coke. They'll make you a fun, light, you know, sexual entity maybe. Yeah, just fun and light. And, yeah, little Diet Coke, all diets. The brain-gut connection, huh? Mm-hmm. It's a big thing.

That makes sense. I feel like a lot of people who have bad stomachs are like, you know, they're very antsy, they're very annoying. Yeah. People with like, I feel like hyperactive people have diarrhea a lot, you know? Yeah. And I feel like there aren't, maybe that's why, like, fat people have similar personalities because they have similar, they take similar shits, they have similar fucked up

stomachs. Sure. You're finding your tribe. You guys got to, everybody's got to find their tribe. That's why when I'm having like a really bad day, just eat a little yogurt. Coms the microbiome, dude. I've crushed yoga. I mean, Greek yogurt. Dude, let me tell you something. My breakfast almost every morning is a zero percent fagia yogurt. I put a little scoop of Athlienx protein in there. Chocolate coconut. I like chocolate. I like chocolate. Put a scoopy-whoopi in there. Now is that, does that, is that one of the brands that has lead in it? No. No. No, the reason I like Athlenex is the guy who runs at Jeff Cavalieri is awesome. Athlete X is if you want to get in shape, one of the best YouTube's you can watch is Athleen X because he's all about the

science. It's no, he's like not even trying to sell any bullshit. He's like, I'm, I do things pure. So his, I trust his products the most, Athleen X. And you have done no search. You just trust them. I just blindly trust him. Yeah. He's just, you want to have sex with him. And people ask me, why do you blindly trust him? And I said, well, because if you look at history you realize at one point he was the personal trainer for the new york met's so that so if you train the mets you're i'm in but he is absolutely shredded and ripped and uh chocolate coconut that's a nice flavor the chocolate coconut and then what i do sometimes now that you know was fall festive i would go i would he has a uh french vanilla flavor and i put a little one scoop of french

vanilla you ready for this here's my breakfast i'm listening little yogurt so got protein low saturated fat good for the cholesterol high protein one scoop of french vanilla athleen x protein some pumpkin puree some cinnamon little maple syrup the tiniest bit of maple syrup and then the uh pumpkin flak seed cereal from nature's path mix that up yummy yummy yummy in my tummy that sounds awesome and then if if i really want it and if i wanted to make that a fat boy special what i would do is have jazz make protein pancakes and i would make that yogurt and then and make a little pancake yogurt sandwich. I do that.

So I've been doing pumpkin protein pancakes. I do pumpkin, egg whites, cottage cheese. And then if I want, I have, for a similar fall thing, some pumpkin spice, and I put a cinnamon protein in there. And it actually is fucking pretty good.

It's good, dude. All you need, really, if you can just focus on trying to get the maximal protein, like for me, when I get, the reason why, like, I mean, when I used to drink a lot, too,

but also, like, why I don't have such a fat, puffy face anymore is because the one main thing I change is when I'm really, really, really, like, famished, hungry in the middle of the day, rather than eating four slices of pizza, which I would always do just habitually, now I just have a yogurt. And I'm like, it fills me,

and it's like not the same as pizza, but at least I'm like, I'm getting cream. I'm getting some type of dairy. What a fucking nutrition hack. You hear that, folks, instead of four slices of pizza, have a yogurt. That's really helpful advice. And if you guys want, you could put some pepperoni in your yogurt.

I do make a Greek yogurt pizza crust. Oh, really? Greek yogurt and flour, and you just fucking bake it. And you can make it feel like a pita or like a pizza dough. Interesting. And then I put a little fucking sauce, fat-free cheese, which has a ton of protein, and I do turkey pepperoni. And when I'm fiending for a fucking slice of pizza, I'll do that.

Dude, the main thing, because I had my cholesterol was 300. It was like so through the, and now I got it all the way down to, like, 205 or something. And the main thing I did is just changed from Italian food to Greek food. I just literally, every time I wanted Italian, I go Greek. Come down a little further down the peninsula. Grill chicken, salmon, lemon potatoes, hummus, you know, some veggies. But, like, so it's not like, because I think sometimes people don't stick to a diet because, like, I got to eat salads and stuff. It's like, you really actually don't.

You just have to eat higher. I mean, you could if you want, but, dude, some veggies. and chicken or salmon and lemon potatoes and a little hummus? I mean, you're still a little bit of a bad boy with the pitas and carbs. But you're not, but you're good at, you're better. I want to go to, like, one of those fucking, like, health clinics. Like,

like, everything is, like, I don't want, I have noticed in hair plugs. I love, I love being, I think you're a coward if you get hair plugs, you know, I face, I face my mortality head on. 100%, you know, I'm not a vain coward, but the idea of going to, like, turkey or, like, Columbia or somewhere

where they just have these crazy, medical procedures and they just they check everything in your body and they have like a 360 scan i kind of want to go do that yeah i kind of want to go like be fully scanned out i want to be on like i want whatever like weird rich guy i need to talk to tom because i know he's got weird fucking medicines yeah like i believe like tom says right now he's doing season two of bad thoughts but he might be like cunting in a human safari you know yeah like he might actually be doing one of Like, he's in Madagascar right now. Right.

Right. They, you know, they just, that's what's going on. He paid the IDF $500,000 for like eight bazooka shells. And they're like, hey, go crazy. Yeah. Yeah. No journalist here. Yeah.

You know, that might happen. Yeah. So there was, do you see that story where they were like, they had, there was some disgusting thing where rich people in the fucking, in like, during the, I think, Yugoslavian Civil War, rich people were literally hunting people for sport. I mean, it's crazy how Craven getting that much money makes you. That's actually what made me think of the idea to even bring it up because I was thinking about what you were talking.

I was thinking about I had just seen the article in the paper and one of the guys from, you know, Sarajevo or whatever. Sarajevo looked like Tom Seguera. It looked like in 1994 Tom Segura. I'm like, yeah. It's fucking insane. I hope they tracked down the people that paid to kill people and just execute them.

Yeah, I mean, and listen, dude, here's the thing as a fan of this show if you're still interested I have something also to say in and out dude so and that was perfect and that is that you

you're you're constipated oh yeah that's that's a DCF a Diet Coke fart if you still are here at the end of this hour and you know listening to the ads and just seeing and literally we've spent an hour saying nothing other than

promoting human safaris and Rojee and Josh, then you're actually the problem, not us. You need to look at what you're doing. It's not Tom, it's not Bert. It's not me. It's not Stavi. It's you, it's you. It's you. But listen, buy a calendar. That's all. You know, come see us on the road. The dreamboat tour, the final leg is going on, is going to start up in January. We're starting in Florida. We're going all across. Wherever I didn't hit last year, we're going to hit it now. Stavi.biz. Chrissy, you're on the road as well. Chris D. Comedy.

I have one show in January right now in West Virginia, Charlestown, West Virginia in a casino. Oh, Charlestown Races and Slots. Yes, that's what I'm doing. Have you done that casino? No, I just, they, there was one of the first casinos near Baltimore. So it was like, I remember the, the advertisements for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm doing that. And then, uh, and then I might do a show in Vegas in February. Um, but Christycomedy.com. History Hyenas comes out to every Thursday. Go to HistoryHahenas is back.com. Historyhynas on Instagram. And, uh, and yeah.

And that's it, man. do it for us. We'll see you next week. It's going to be the holidays are getting close, folks. We're going to be talking Christmas. You know, maybe we'll talk a little New Year's after that. 100%. It's nice to be here with you, Chrissy.

It's nice to be here with you folks. And we will see you next week. Bye-bye. Bye. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes to top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.