2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Rise of the Comedians | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 180

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.It’s a classic episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer! The bears talk about touring in Latin America, men getting dressed, and how much Bert loves Testosterone. They talk about Fast and the Furious franchise, naming a standup special, The Machine movie. They reminisce about cutting each other’s hair and try to figure out if they’d get hair transplants.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

When you talk English, you don't, you don't sell a person who can fuck. But then when you use talk Spanish, I go, that guy can fuck. Siders I roll over skating. Siders can't, maybe it's like blowing another guy, you're like, I'll know what to do. But then you realize there's some pros out there. There's some really good, yeah. It's so weird at what you like. I know.

And people are like, how do you know this guy? I'm like, I fucking, we just met since you were like, you and the fucking dinner with him. We hung out. I would definitely come in my mouth. I'd come all over my face. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. 100%.

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Taken away and thrown in a dumpster and sleep on the saatva for the rest of your life Hey everybody, it's a brand new episode of two bears one cave and I'm here with Westside Tommy. Hey, how's it going man back from Columbia and I'm here with West Side Tommy. Hey, how's it going, man? Back from Colombia. Never went there, but I did go to Mexico City. You went to Mexico? Yeah, I went to Lima, Peru. I went to Chile, San Diego. Okay, no, it's actually again.

And Buenos Aires. The altitude to Mexico City. Do you know what it is? 7,000 feet. It's fucking high. I know. I worked out in the park, in the park. They have like a park that's bigger than Central Park in Mexico City.

I had no idea. For real. Yeah. Is Mexico City nice? I've been to Mexico City by the way. It's impressive. It's impressive. Yeah.

I think that's it. It's Bosca, Chaloutloupe. It is enormous. Oh my god, look at that. It's so big. It's enormous. I mean, soccer games are going crazy in that park. It's. You ever play soccer with the Mexican guys

in the park at Pampasific Park? I did, and let me tell you, you did? Little fat dudes are ballers. Yeah, there are some real ballers. You forget how bad you are. If you've never played soccer, but because soccer is a sport,

soccer is like jerking off. Yeah. It's a sport that you think I'll probably be great at this. And then you go, I don't know how that's like jerking off. I don't know how it's like jerking off either, because we've been jerking off really well for a long time. Yeah.

Soccer's like roller skating. Soccer's kind of, maybe it's like blowing another guy. You're like, I'll know what to do. But then you realize there's some pros out there. There's some really good, yeah. I think I'd be so good at sucking cock. Don't you think? I think I would be remarkable.

I think it hears the thing. If there was a wall mounted version of my dick and you were like, give yourself head. I'd be like, everybody, pay attention. Like if you get a magician, put me in a magician's box. And then he cuts off my head and cuts off my things and then puts them together. And I could suck my own dick like that.

Don't you do an amazing job? I would, I would take my time with it. I'll tell you what, if I could suck my own dick like that. You do an amazing job. I would. I know I would take my time with it. I'll tell you what if I was sucking my own dick, my hardest, the hardest part would keep resisting the second heart. Yeah. You would just be like, oh my God, I can't wait to get going. I think it's like a little foreplay. I'd be like, I know, would you just be breathing on it like teasing yourself? Would you start with your balls? I would spend so much time down there eating my ass. If I had to suck my dang it would be playing with my balls. I'm going to do my balls. Yeah. I'm going to pinch my nipples. I'm going to pinch my nipples. I'm going to lick in my taint. I'm going to do it all.

I'm going to do it all. And I'd be like, you're not ready for this. I would definitely come in my mouth. I'd come all over my face. Oh my god. It's not gay, right? If you do it right, you're not. No.

I'm going to do a face. No. It's not gay. You've If you do it right, no. I want you to be a fake. No. It's not gay. You've anything in the question. Yeah. You know how hard it would be to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to,. I was going to see it with Rachel, right? You did? Yeah, I think I did. You went there with her?

I did. We went repelling. Uh huh. And I told you joke about it, we went, I had a bodyguard because it was dangerous back then. Yeah. And they said, um, go by the way back then, it's still fucking dangerous. A for real?

Yeah. It's still Mexico. I don't know if you're gonna follow the news, but the chick is wild there. She, uh, I said to Rachel, um, is that you? Yeah. Look how skinny I am.

Jesus. What are you way there? 186 pounds? No. I think so. You being for real? What year is that? That was... It's got to be one. It's around 40. So 10 years ago, you would 186? For real? I was in great shape. I gained it all back. What do you mean? Very quickly. I gained what back? All that weight.

I lost it. And then you had lost, you went down. I went on my 40th birthday, the week of my 40th birthday, the month leading up to my 40th birthday, I didn't do the road, I didn't do travel's handle, I didn't do anything, and I did a cleanse with Leanne, and I dropped like fucking 60 pounds in the cleanse. And that's when that's what you are here. Yeah, that's right after this. Gotta be right after the cleanse.

The, um, I kind of think when this, this was like 2013. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I put her on pretty quickly. The, um, the Rachel Ray, the joke I wrote is, uh, she gave me a bodyguard and I can speak a little space. Yeah, it's 2013. I said, yeah, it's 2013, it's probably right when I, yeah, look how fucking skinny I am.

So skinny. Look at my face, my face looks weird. Looks like I have a huge fucking head, huge fucking teeth. Yeah. I wasn't listening way too, either. I wish I could lift weights back. Oh my God, your face is so big. And my face is fucking tremendously big. It's so big. huge fucking teeth. Yeah. I wasn't listening to way too, though I wish I could lift weights back then. Oh my God, your face is so big.

And my face is fucking tremendously big. It's so big. It's ridiculous. I was like a fucking weibo wobble. I looked like a fucking... Oh my God. Look at how big my fucking face is. Holy shit.

That's fucking unnerving. It's like, it's too big for your body. And the shirt is too big for your body. Oh, that shirt's too big for your body and that shirt is too big for your body. That shirt's too big for you. That's probably a large. This is, I remember this trip. She sent me to Oscars and I got the best fucking mustard of my life. Mustard and smoked cheddar.

Is there audio to this? Oh, wait. Oh, you might get flagged for it. You're right. You might get flagged. I'm gonna play in my leg, sees up. Your voice doesn't sound the same. I'll you make it flagged for it. You're right you make it flag Your voice doesn't sound the same I know cuz I ain't gonna talk like this We ended up doing it off mother, all right, that sounds so like you that is so

We went to the maschko city you look right there. I don't want to be that size again. What size do you want to be? 220 jacked. 220 jacked. She's 20. You're on your way. I'm on my way to jacked. Yeah. I love when people touch me and they go, whoa, whoa, are you working out? Yeah. The other day someone said, is that a tricep?

I see. I said, yeah. Yeah. It's amazing gaps. We went to my so city and I kept saying to my bodyguard and I took him out. I said, what can I do with this guy? And they said, he's yours.

If you go anywhere, he's going with you. So we went to a bar in Mexico City and I said, I said, do you want a beer? And he said, no. And I said, okay, do you want something to eat? And he was like, no. I was saying this is Spanish. I said, do you want a cigar? And he was like, no. I was saying this is Spanish. I said, do you want a cigar?

And he was like, no, I know. And then I realized I was saying Tienes instead of... Oh, do you want? Kiddice. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, you're saying you have. Do you have a drink? And he was like, no.

And I was like, do you have, and Rachel goes, when did you find out? I go at the end of the night when I said, I was willing to say, do you want to go to bed with me? But I said, you have to go to bed with me. That's hilarious. She, she, we were drinking and she, she had a bodyguard too. And she goes, let's take our bodyguards to the beach

to make a fight. I'm giggled. I, um, I worked out with, so the, the comic, Sofia, Nino De Rivera was, uh, she, she opened for me there. Yeah. She's great comic, super funny. And, hmm, she sends me this thing. She doesn't talk about being Mexican down there, do they?

Sometimes. Really? But she goes, she's like, hey, I'm going to work out tomorrow at the park. Do you want to go? And I go, yeah, sure, let's go. So I meet her at the park with her trainer. And she's like to perform in Vegas.

That's at the Chelsea at the Cosmo. Oh, that's fucking beautiful. Yeah, it's a- All right, I keep going to keep on. It's rad. Who left you that fucking mammoth of a comment? Who the fuck? Oh, that's a psycho, yeah, yeah.

No, but here, go's a psycho. Yeah, yeah. No, but here go paste through the face. It's a more in Julia. It's a It's a It's a it's a quote from a video. Um, yeah, this place is rad. It's like a it's a really good. It's a really good venue. That's a beautiful theater. Yeah. Um Okay, so

So I meet her there and then and she's, she had seen me post in gym. She's like, you know, it's not gonna be, it's not gym, it's, I was like, yeah, it's cool though. I'll just do whatever you guys do. And the trainer's like, are you ready to work? And I was like, yeah, let's work out. But working out quite a bit, let's go. Dude, we just start doing body weight jumps,

like frog jumps forward, over like these little hurdles and shit. And like, I mean, a couple of minutes in, they're like, are you all right? And I'm like, yeah, and then he goes, you know the altitude here is like significant, right? And I'm like, I'm starting to feel it. And I mean, a couple of minutes into this thing, I'm like, fucking, gasped.

We had a broken out a little over an hour, and it was just like, no weights. No, it was just body weight. Just body weight and mobility stuff, and it fucking destroyed me. Is it, do you remember, do we? And she put on a 25 pound weight vest today. Wait, let me see a picture of this, check.

Sophia, SOFIA, we're in Latin America, sweetie. So, you know, and I know, D-E, Reveyor. D-E, Reveyor. D-E, of River. Yeah, yeah, if you go to her IG, you'll see. Yeah, yeah, that's her.

Did you open her? Yeah, show, I mean, she's, you know, she's a headliner or whatever, but she opened her. She opened her. Yeah, that's the park, she's a headliner or whatever, but she opened her. She opened her. Yeah, that was the park. She's probably working out there at the park today, but yeah, she, yeah. That's the park? That's the park, yeah, yeah.

She's in good shape, huh? Dude, and like, so you know, she looks like she works out, but not you're like, God damn, this shit was wild. You know, she killed it. She killed it on stage too. So they don't do like, they don't do any like my Mexican mom dance. I mean, they make jokes about like us leaning like our culture, right?

Like, you know how we are. I can see that she had a bit about traveling abroad. So, you know, she made one of these. This is the kind of shit we were doing man. Like, and this was killing me. But, I mean, this is like a dance, we didn't dance. But, we didn't fucking dance. But, we didn't dance.

And she was on my ass too, she's like, hey, you still have like 10 more to go, like, I stopped to talk to the trainer. But yeah, no, she was great. But we did, yeah, she's the big reference, but they're not like, you know how we are, our Mexican, you know, they don't do it like that. They just, they make reference to them. It's for them, it's just their mom.

Right, right. Everyone's got Mexican mom. Right, but if they go like, you know, we were abroad, like we were in fucking, you know, South Africa, and you know, you know, we are always looking for the free food or whatever, like they make reference to their own culture, but not like like not the way you would in the States, you know. And in Chile, the same thing I had, you know, openers there and in Argentina too.

But yeah, the shows were fucking incredible. So what I would do was the openers would do 20 minutes in Spanish. They'd open the show that way. Then they would, I would go on stage, I would do an hour in English, and then I would close with 20 minutes of Spanish. Jesus Christ. So that was, all the people that came obviously are bilingual. So you could just end on the English good night, but then I would just switch, I'd go, how about we just Spanish now, and then just do, and they would go. And what would you, what material were you doing in Spanish?

Like, I would just pull, I knew, I had been working on that Spanish hour. So I was pulled like what I thought was the best 20 from that. And so I did, it was basically bits about, oh yeah, because you're doing a Spanish speaking Netflix hour. Well, I mean, we were supposed to do it in 2020. So I tore it and then the pandemic kind of threw it off. But what I ended up doing was, I went back

and I listened to some of those sets and I was like, this is the best material to pull from it. It was all based on, like I had a chunk about going to Peru as a kid and going to school and getting bullied. I do that. And I had a bit about studying in Madrid and like going to Tunisia and I tell that story and then I had another bit about it was all like stuff that I thought would

register really well with these crowds. It was so much fun. That's so fun. That's so, when I was in Germany, I thought that feeling. Yeah. When I was in Germany, I was like, this is where I would have lived. Yeah, yeah. I mean, by the way, and doing it, like everybody's like, you know, they go,

you're the same, you're exactly, they're like, you're pacing, you're the way you do it. It's like, it's very you. It's very Tom Sigerun. They're like, it's just in Spanish. We didn't know that it would be, they're like, it's exactly how you are in English. Sweet, you're, you're, oh, that's great.

Cause you sound like, you sound like a different person when you saw Spanish. Yeah, well, your personality does kind of change. That happens, by the way, across the board, to human beings, it's everywhere. Rachel, do you speak Spanish? I wonder if you're Spanish, you'd be like, all la, all la, come on, I thought it was that.

Is that aing impression? ¿Estás en el plattering impression? Tom, when you talk English, you don't... You don't sound like a person who can fuck. But then when you talk Spanish, I go, that guy can fuck. Really, don't you think I can fucking English? No, no. What do I sound like?

Hey, guys, it goes, ah, this is gonna be okay. Oh, no, I'm big, dude. No, but in Spanish, you sound like a guy. Do you know what I'm saying, Rachel? You should ask the girls that speak Spanish that I've been with. So, I'll get you some phone numbers. No, I really enjoyed it and it made me think of that. So where'd you go, you went Mexico City?

I started in Buenos Aires and Argentina, then Chile, Santiago, then Lima, Peru, then Mexico City. I see you went to the airport. You were the way I did it, I was like, just like the conkeys, the conkeys. Can I tell you something? I forgot until the day before to remind myself how fucking far Argentina is.

I was like, oh, when's our flight? And then they're like, this, and it'll be about 10 hours. I was like, 10 hours, I forgot how far down, yeah. Is that who are those people? I saw that picture, who are those people. This guy right here is a super fan of soccer. And I saw a viral video of him.

And we became, it went viral in Argentina 10 over 10 years ago. And I was so obsessed with the video, I would play it all the time. What is the video, can I see the video? Oh, you should definitely see it. I wanna see the video. You should definitely see it.

And that was his friends? Yeah, well the other one's like, if you go back the guy to his left. There's Duncan. If you go back to that, the guy to his left is Nicholas Tertrecy, he's a comic. Okay. And then the rest are like the other guys' friends.

And then, yeah, then there's, if you go to the party. So did you speak Spanish? That's in Argentina. You speak Spanish to everyone all the time. Pretty much, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Were you dreaming in Spanish? Yeah, by the fourth day.

Yeah. By the fourth day. Are you gonna teach your boys Spanish? And we're trying to, and you know how you go, I need to talk to so and so about this thing, because I got to address the fact that we're leaving on third. You have those, when I taught YC, Peter, I got to make sure that I started to do that on the third or fourth day in Spanish.

So things that I need to do in your head, you start doing them in another language. That's my cousin Juan Luis, that's in Lima. Is that the one we talked to on the phone? That's an uncle and aunt. No, I don't think we talked to on the phone? That's an uncle and aunt. No, I don't think we talked to them. No, that's my uncle and aunt. Do they have any idea who you are? Like, you're successful?

I think they hear about it. That's Enlima. That's beautiful, right? They don't have any frame of press. Fung me, that's right. That's that central, like it's a three star Michelin restaurant in Lima, shout out to Vihilio. What kind of food do they make just prouviant food?

Yeah, but it's like one of those, they're like, we got this, you know, these herbs that we curated in, yeah. You know, see urchin and now that, it's all like, you know, gastro high level, three-star stuff. Yeah, so, what did I say?

Oh, you gotta look up this video. Okay, I can't believe I'm showing you this. He's going to laugh. T-A-N-O. Space, P-A-S, P-P-A-S, M-A-N. Just do that and see if it goes to... Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. That's a good one to do it with. Yeah, this so I saw this video years ago and And then it's just him watching his favorite soccer team and I went crazy, right? So this is his kid setting up a camera. Okay, so watch his to record his dad watching his favorite soccer team That's how I met this guy watching this video. Oh, I'm not a ninja! I'm a little bit of a fool!

What's your name? Baby, I'm a little bit of a fool! I'm a little bit of a fool! Do you have arthritis in your life? Yeah, I think it gets... The fuck you're doing! The fuck you're doing! I'm doing it!

I want to be a kid, but I'm a fool! Then the... By the way, he's saying... No! No! No! No! We're in saying... No! No! No! No! No! No!

It's not the same love! No! What is he saying about the... Marker but... He's actually saying... They put Motherfucker. Yeah. He's not saying Motherfucker.

He's saying... La puta que me parió, or la puta que te parió, it's the whore that gave birth to me, or the whore that gave birth to you. The whore that gave birth to you? Yeah, thatore that gave birth to you. The whore that gave birth to you? Yeah, that's the literal translation. They're saying motherfucker, but,

but anyway, I was so obsessed with this video, I was playing it on podcasts all the time, and one day he messaged me, and we started going back and forth. What's he look like now? The far left, the far left guy. That's him right there. That's him, yeah.

God, he looks better now. Yeah, well, he had to go under like heart medication and shit, yeah, yeah, yeah, he had to go under like heart medication and shit. Oh, really? Yeah, he said that. So I was like, um, you're so weird at what you like. I know. And people were like, how do you know this guy? I'm like, I'm like, we just met.

You know, we hung out lunch for the place. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I was so happy. Um, your friends yeah, so happy Your friends circles so bizarre Daniel Ricardo and him No, I Yeah, I fucking I love that video so much

I watched it so many times and yeah, he's saying La puta came up like the whore that gave birth to me like my mother gay Gay me me patio put that game in, but like the whore they gave birth to me, like my mother, gay, gay, me, me, radio, radio. Yeah, that you'll hear the gay birth to me. Yeah. But anyway, he, um, he got his family was like, so he went viral, like he had paparazzi outside of his house.

When that happened. And then his family was like, you're going to fucking dot, like seriously. So they went to the doctor and they're like, you need to take this thing. And so the family was like, are you allowed for you to watch the next soccer game? Can you get like a doctor's note? Are you serious? Because they were scared that they were gonna lose them. So the doctor gave him volume, but he gave him like four in a day. So he's like, the doctor was like, take one at like nine a.m. take another at noon, take another at like two thirty, and then the game's at four. And he's like the doctor was like take one at like 9 a.m. take another at noon take another at like two thirty and the games at four and he's that he was just watching that game he was. I couldn't get fired up anymore do you follow.

One of the things that I mean first of all one of the things that. I love is men getting dressed. Men getting dressed. Yeah have you been following this trend? No. You said, click that link that I sent you. There's men that get dressed. It's, they get dressed and they tell you what they wear

and they show you what they wear and they do it. It's a really big trend. I've seen it everywhere and I so badly I want to start doing it for myself. Okay, tell me this. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, find his Insta. Okay, there we go. Man, just his insta. Okay, there we go.

Man, just telling you what they wear. Yeah, so this guy's name's Damien Brodric. Brodric, Brodric. I think this is Brodric, isn't it? I don't know. Go to the middle of that one right there. Yeah. There?

Okay. Okay. So let's get dressed. Let's get dressed. Tragers. Rollnick. We want to see the new tattoo. Quite a chest piece, bro. Okay, so let's get dressed let's get dressed trousers roll Nick Quiet chest piece bro Jesus Christ

You fucking serve time. What is that thing all about? It's pretty elaborate. He's gonna pick a watch a timepiece and a scent Maddie that's juggers for our scent we go with Calvin Klein eternity For our timepiece. We will go with this one from our shell. I like it. Well, then I'll do our jacket. I'll be the where's the hat. I'll be the where's the hat. Now there's a strong chance I will regret this jacket because it's not a

it's very cold. Although this looks good I'm gonna change it. We'll go with this shirling bomber front leg hat. Much warmer. Now all these trainers are comfy. I don't think they much the boy but they jacket. I don't think they do either. We'll swap them for this chunky Chelsea boot. You're into this huh? Yeah. No, they've mentioned it. It was also I do think.

Scarf. Scarf. It's a good way to go too. I'm sure he's over here. We're not gonna put product in the hair, so I think we'll put on a hash. Told you. I knew a hash. Now I look like I could be storming the beaches of Normandy.

Yeah, it is a very throwback thing. And that's for it. Is this every video? Yeah, it's for it. Yeah, every video and there's a bunch of guys like this. Like your go scroll down, scroll down. You know I could really get into this. Yeah, I know, I know.

So go to, go to, I go to, am I gonna start posting these? I have everybody. It's fucking too soft. I would love if I started to So go to, go to, I go to, am I gonna start posting these? I have everybody. It's fucking Tuesday. I would love, I would love. If I started to do this. I'll start doing this. I'll do this once this episode here.

There's a bunch of, there's a, he's, he does them all every day. He shows you what he wears every single day. What does he do? I mean, he's wearing great clothes. I think he goes all the way up. I think he sells clothes. Oh, that makes sense.

Is he? Like, oh, hit the link tree there. Cause this is a social media star, okay. That's gonna take talk. Does he have like a, oh, so Earnshaw was the type of watch. Maybe that's his company, you know? Cause that was the watch he was, what's that? Town and... I feel like he goes to the shop all the time.

He always says I'm going to the shop. Here go, watch, go to the go, go back to that one. Go to the yoga one. The yoga one, he's, oh boy. Oh, we go back, that was his cock. Go back. This is why I posted that video of that cock video. It's because I watched this.

Yeah, and you saw the outline. And I was like, I'm doing that. Yeah. So let's get dressed. So there's no planets to leave the monastery today. Is it a monastery? It was some yoga. So sweat plants or track bottoms.

T-shirt. Seeing as we're not leaving the monastery, and we're starting to do a yoga, we don't particularly need a timepiece, but we wouldn't feel ourselves, but it would have sent. So for our scent, we go with the Valentino born in Roma, umo. But this is compelling, there are a lot of people, I mean, must be, they love it.

There's, I've actually seen what's crazy. It's cool though, it's a tad bit. But it's, it's, you learn about style. There's another guy who's got literally ink all over his chest. And it's all like, it's all like diagrams. Yeah. And, uh, stores.

Yeah. But I'm obsessed with these. And I watch, I can watch them over and over and over again. I've just dudes getting dressed. Yeah. I bet I'd probably enjoy women getting here, looking in the suit, watching the suit. You'll like these, the suit watch in the suit you'll

like these the suit you'll like this one yeah yeah so my friend Danny just opened the new barbers so we're gonna go get a haircut trousers yeah short you could you could do this yeah there you go this is for a haircut. Yeah, Jesus. One of these toys. I'll link in my boil. I'll leave a little one with some. Oh yeah, please sell him.

I think he sells stuff. IG 10. But I think he has like a fucking store. Okay, and he has so many clothes on. For my own collection. And they are hand packaged by me. You get a hand packaging the thing. He's the guy who is fucking pisses engine to detail.

Yeah, well yeah, look how he's getting dressed for a goddamn haircut. I mean, go get a link in my story. Okay. I'm gonna use the code IGT. I so it's so you to find a rabbit hole like this and do it. I watched 100 hours of this piece. I watched him get dressed so much.

Really? I knew it with the date I liked those room faces. You go with Tom Ford, Tuscan leather. You guys got a lot of different fucking designs. He's got so much shit dude. Yeah. I'm just gonna tell you a little bit. It doesn doesn't and also like how misleading is

this closet I feel like he's got the biggest fucking closet and what looks like he's got a studio apartment you'd like this nice coat I love the was puts on And then give me one give me one get me out of here. I had to I had to leave a store because they were trying to they were they saw that they had a mark in me and they started bringing stuff out and I was like I got to get out of here. Really. Yeah, they kept bringing it and they knew they could see how it kept like being I almost bought a suit almost bought a suit for Vegas. Really? There was right next to it was called the suit brokers or something or suit something suit suit supply suits by things the name and And I was and I was gonna get a green suit for St. Paddy's day. It's so you by the way like you have to go against types Sometimes and just show up in a suit somewhere because nobody expects no. No, whatever, I don't even have a suit.

Actually, I suit. No, Leanne bought me two suits, but they fucked up the, they fucked them up. Okay. Like the pockets are a fucking... You should get a tailored like this, but... I gotta lose weight first. I think the first time I'm into,

but I don't know, I wonder if I could just get to, or two-thirty would be a great fucking way for me. Yeah, you can do that. Two-twenty, I look fucking, I look time, my head would still fit on my body. Yeah, two-twenty-six is two. That's what I'm supposed to be. And now, me too.

What are you right now? 200. Are you floating around 200? Yeah. So can I ask you a weird question? Yeah. So are we going to be on testosterone for the rest of our lives? No, not necessarily. Okay. I mean, we're on low dose, dude. It's not like you're on some bodybuilder dose. I feel it. Yeah, I know. I know. I feel it going through my body. Yeah, it's a pretty low dose, dude.

When I do pushups, I almost explode off the floor. Jesus Christ. I can feel it's so good. Yeah, you're like, you know, you sound exactly like a kinder gardener when you describe some of the things you feel. Like, I feel like, watch me jump. Like, that's how my four-year-old, he's like, watch this and he's like, I was went through the ceiling.

Yeah, I saw that, yeah. I feel like that. I know, I know you do. It's really cute. It's fun. I wonder, I'm just through the ceiling again. I saw that yeah, I feel like that now. I know you do. It's really cute It's fun. I wonder I'm just like I flex sometimes and I just feel it shake. I just Wonder why that was if I that's why I was so good in bed because you have your testosterone I'm fucking like a high school kid again Actually, I didn't do it that good in high school

I actually, I can do it that good in high school. Did it like, was it, was it like last long or you were just powerful? It lasted long and I was powerful. Okay. It was all of it. Yeah. You put on a show. And then Leanne does this thing where she can, she can, she can hit the nitrous. On me.

She can basically decide when it's over. I got you. She'll hit the nitrous and all of a sudden I'll just go, hey, she did that to you. You ever seen the Fast and Furious movies? No. They're, it's not crazy. They're ridiculously popular. They're so crazy.

I remember when the fifth one came out and I was like, when the fuck is this gonna end? And I think they're on like number 12 or something now. I saw the one, I saw the funniest, the hardest movie I've ever laughed at, and was not supposed to be funny, was the, what was the movie, the silent place? What's the John Crack, Kaczynski movie?

Quiet place. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, stop fucking talking or something. Quiet place, is that it? Yeah. So we're in Serbia, and we're like, and the quiet place two comes out. Yeah. Quiet place two comes out. And Kale, it was me, Kale, like I was an Andrew and Kale goes, this is really

good. You see the first one, and I said, no, I didn't need to, we saw that. And then the next day we saw a fast and furious 11, whatever the last one I go, do I need to, I didn't, I'm not seeing the one I go do I need to I didn't I'm It's in the first 11 do I need to see if you go no you'll be fine. So we go into a quiet place to in Serbia in a Serbian movie theater and The movie starts off and obviously they do the second they do sign language the subtitle show up in Understand any of this language the subtitle show up in Serbian. Oh shit. We understand any of this.

We can do this. Side-Legues thing. And it just started serving and I started laughing so hard. And we can fucking leave. I can't understand anyone for the whole fucking movie We didn't know what had anything that happened We couldn't understand the fucking subtitles But the music was very his 12 or whatever on the end

Tyres and fucking And who's the guy ludicrous gonna space space? What I swear the fucking god Chris Fucking ludicrous entire reach fucking space They're in a fucking in a fear and they have wetsuits on like they're in fucking wetsuits Is that movie terrible? No, it's actually really good. It's good. They're all really really really fucking good like they Obviously, they're not gonna right, you know I don't think they're gonna win an Oscar need to put their fun. They're fun. They are exactly what you want them to be when they go to space I'm laughing so hard at these two and a fiera. Is that a fiera?

I don't know what the fuck that is. Oh, it's laughing so fucking hard because it's Tyres and ludicrous Yeah, it's hilarious. Oh, I was crying laughing. I don't think it's meant to be funny. I don't know if it was meant to be funny But like it's good to good movie. It's a fucking Charlize Theran was there. I never got to ask you this. What? Did you get anxiety when you saw that I played basketball again? Yeah. Like were you scared to hit play?

Oh, I, well, I don't know how you got the confidence to go back and start using your legs again like that, because I was terrified. That video, it was trending number two on YouTube for the first day. Are you serious? Yeah, holy shit. Because I think every fan went to watch it all at once. Like it didn't, it's not, if you go to,

it's their air of cigarette versus rain man, the one third down, Yeah, that one. That guy was making the most ridiculous shots towards the craziest thing. It was so crazy. But that went bonkers like for the first six hours that it was out. Yeah, but it was I was like, oh, I wonder how Bert reacted when he saw. Oh, I was like, I miss you. I was like, why would you do this?

Why would you? I literally almost texted you and said, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. And then there's that clip where I'm like, I saw you as the thing I was watching is that you're right there in the background, you know? And then you're right there. And I was like, oh yeah.

And then the fucking paramedics were like, why are you playing with kids? What was the kept saying that? And then you went back out and did the, did you push it at all? Yeah, here's the thing, you push it harder than you tell yourself you're going to. You know, you tell,

you push it harder than you. I have fucking fucked up, I was that. Oh my God, look at that. God, that fucking. Huh? Yeah. Yeah, that shit sucked it. God, I remember that so vividly.

Yeah, it was pretty wild, right? And then you went back out and did it again. I know, it's like two years though. Look at this guy. This guy. Internet, Google, if you Google, it says he's five, seven. He's like, I was a little dude, he's six, two.

He's six, two? Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck happened here? Yeah, I thought I was gonna play a little guy like this. Yeah, but he ended up being such a great sport. David Walter ended up being a great, great sport about it. Cause you know, when I talked to you about, you were, they put it on the news. It kind of looks like John Mulaney. A little bit, yeah, a little bit like Ben Shapiro too.

We were at least with his car. I was John Mulaney's special come out. I have no idea. Baby Jay, we see when John Mulaney's special come out. That's what it's called? Yeah, I hope everyone knows that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, coming soon. Yeah.

Dan, that's in fucking Rolling Stone. April 24th. That's coming up. Why is it called Baby J? Is that the name of his baby? I don't know. I'm almost certain John Malaney didn't do this on purpose, but it is one of the most brilliant things.

All anyone Google's about John Malaney is his baby. Oh. So if you're Googling, if anything, John Malaney, baby. Yeah, you're watching a special. I don't know if you did it on purpose. You should call, do you know what you're calling your special? No, I said call it basketball. Yeah, I should. I told him to go to basketball.

True. Tom's a broken, unbreakable. Unbreakable. You don't know what you're gonna call it? No. I love this game. I sent in titles. That's real?

They all have done what? Yeah, why do we? I almost feel like I work for a different network than you. What? We have such a different experience at Netflix. How so? I almost like they didn't ask me anything. Well, do you say razzle dazzle a lot during,

because you know what I noticed, when you put out the title, I remember that like a year ago, you started, that word that phrase entered your lexicon more. You started to go like, you know, I kind of have a little like, razzle dazzle to me. Yeah.

And you started to say that more. Yeah. And I was like, oh, he's just saying that. Like you're like, No, no, I've been saying it. I, I, I, I go through periods of times where I say that a lot. I know.

Yeah. But I'm saying, I felt like a year or so ago is when you, it entered your lexicon. Yeah. And you started using it. And then when it came out, when you announced the title, I was like, oh, yeah, that's, that's very like in his vernacular right now.

A first time I ever heard the first time I ever heard the phrase used, we were, we just started working for TripFlip. And we had a UPM production manager, a unit production manager named John Burstent. And it was our first show. Yeah. Yeah, it's the other. Yeah. Oh, nice. And it's, uh, and we were having 11 people were eating lunch at a big table. And the waitress came over and said, uh, uh, what can I, what can I get you guys for starters? And he goes, Oh, honey, he's not gay, but he has like a weird, like sometimes, yeah, when he's got a little, who's tailing him? Just guy jumpers to me. He goes, honey, razzled dazzle. And she goes, what's that mean? He goes, what do you think it means?

Whatever you think it means, razzle dazzle. And she came back with the best appetizers ever, and I've been using that ever since. And then I'm watching Stripes, and Bill Murray says, razzle dazzle, and I was like, oh, fuck yeah. And so I, I just been using it. Like, we do it when we go to McDonald's. I'll put down 200 bucks on the thing, and go, razzle dazzle. And they go, what does that mean? I go, what do been using it, like we do it when we go to McDonald's, I'll put down 200 bucks on the thing and go,

razzle dazzle and they'll go, what does that mean? I go, what do you think it means? And they go, razzle dazzle, I go, razzle dazzle. And so, and I've, I've just been doing, I've been saying it a lot. It's the same with Seagrottime, I still say Seagrottime all the fucking times. Yeah, you do Seagrottime a lot.

You do Seagrottime a lot, but these are your things? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I hate picking titles, you know. But I like, I like titles that have double meaning. So in picking titles, you know, but I like titles that have double meaning. So in other words, it can be a title, but it's also like a reference in the show. What? The second one. That's fucking hilarious.

Right? That's funny as fuck. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I submitted it.

Yeah. Because what happens is they'll go, so funny. I didn't submit any names. Well, they put it into their fucking machine and then they go, this is the title that we think would work best. For real? That's not how mine went.

Dude, this is what I'll tell you. I wonder if they'll be upset if we talked about this. Like it's not, I don't care. I don't even know if they saw me do the hour. I don't know if they did not have any input on my title and the night I taped it, they gave me my release date. Really? Night I taped it. They're like March 17th and I was 14th and I was like, okay, I'm like great.

And I was like, awesome. I'm like, what do you call it? And I said, razzle dazzle, they're like awesome. Yeah, I mean, if you say, here's the thing, if you go, it has to be called this. They're most, unless it's, unless you're like, it's gotta be the end word or something. You know, they're gonna be like, you can't, but anything else, they'll, they'll pretty much roll with it.

But if you go, I'm thinking of these, they'll weigh in on like, this is a better title. Oh yeah, no, I didn't, I don't even know if they saw, and you know what we were gonna do, and then we didn't, we ended up, this is the only thing that they didn't let us do, or I don't even know if they saw, and you know what we were gonna do, and then we ended up, this is the only thing that they didn't let us do, or I don't even know if it had, I don't even know how far it went down the line.

We were gonna put the trailer at the end of my special. Oh, they wouldn't let, I don't know. The trailer? Yeah, we're gonna put the trailer at the end of my special. Of your movie? Yeah. But they wouldn't allow that.

I don't, it didn't happen. So what do you, what did you say you in like, on the premiere of your movie? What are you doing, are you doing a live show? How does that work? So on the 26th of May, Memorial Day weekend. That's your movie release weekend.

Yes. So I wanted to, I wanted to activate fans. I know the way that people buy tickets for our shows. You can sell it a whole tour before you even go there. Right. So I was like, why don't we try doing that with the movie? So why don't we get a QR code or we get a website, the machine.movie. So you can pre-buy your tickets before the movie comes out that way.

You can have a blockbuster summer hit without before any opening weekend. And so, and I call it smart. Oh yeah, hopefully guys are listening, go to the machine.movie. And then you can get tickets and Thursday we are going to do a live in studio event that will stream in movie theaters. What does this mean? In studio where? Meaning I will do something live somewhere. In a studio. In somewhere I could be on top of a mountain maybe. Okay and then there will stream directly into every theater. Every theater so people will see it and go. How does that technology work? You got to talk to Sony. Okay. And then there will stream directly into the to every theater, every theater. So people will see it and go, how does that technology work?

You got to talk to Sony, okay, but they set it up. Sony said, wherever you're, wherever you're gonna be, we'll shoot this and you're gonna stream it into these live The into these theaters. Yeah, like it like theoretically like it would be cool. I mean, I don't know what we're gonna do yet I think it's it's up to me. I'm gonna have to figure it out But it would be cool to fucking, like if I had never done this stand up to do stand up streaming live in the theaters. Or something to that effect, something big. But yeah, Kevin Beagle,

I keep fucking his name up when people ask me about the writer Kevin Beagle and Scotty Landis wrote this. Wrote this movie, yeah. I keep fucking that up, I'm sorry guys. Kevin Beagle. Kevin Beagle, I keep inagle and Scotty Landis wrote this. Wrote this movie. Yeah. I keep fucking that up. I'm sorry guys. Kevin Beagle. Kevin Beagle, I keep in touch with Scotty Landis. This is good friends with Adam Devine. Directed by Peter Ratencio. Everyone go to the machine.movie. Prebiotic. See if you can prebiotic it Rachel. Rachel, have you bought your tickets yet? No. No. So you can only get updates right now? Yeah, okay. Oh, and so yeah, so it's gonna be

Hopefully this is how it's done and then wouldn't be cool if you could pre-buy tickets and then you know pay for the movie That would be amazing like how great would be if we said hey guys we have tickets We're gonna be can pre-buy your ticket to the movie right now and then you'll have a ticket to the movie and then we'll make it Yeah, once you get it So I don't know things are changing this world changing. I wish I was I was saying this to Victorian Peter I wish I was their age. I would be fucking killing it. So is the is the official Released date a Thursday of Friday. So Thursday. So the royal day weekend. It's Thursday big big. I'm gonna I'm gonna be fucking I'll let people throw clowns at me.

Like, whatever you need. Are you flying around to different theaters? We're trying to figure it out. I wanna turn it into an event cause it's more like we can barbecue, cookouts and the thing. Are you gonna do a premiere here? We have a premiere probably the week before.

We'll do a premiere here. I think here, might do it in Austin. Really? We'll make more sense. There's more people in fucking Austin. It's a big town for premieres. Yeah, I mean, I mean, yeah. If it's, man, if you are doing that in Austin,

oh my god, like May 18th or 19th. Yeah, that would be rad. Why? It's like a go. Oh yeah, I'll be in town. Okay, well, I definitely, I mean, I want you to go. Yeah, I want to go. Yeah, I want to go.

But yeah, they had a big screening in LA for all the agents and managers and lawyers and whatnot. And it did very well. We got a bunch of phone calls. So hopefully people like the movie. I always say this, but like, I don't mean this. I don't mean this. It's the same thing

when we talk about like selflessness versus selfishness. Selfishly, I want the movie to do well because I want to do machine two, three and four, I want to sign on now, and that's all I want to do for my rest of my life. Is this making machine movies? It's like, if some of us just alone just did Rambo. Yeah.

And so, I want to do, I want the machine nine, and I wanna go to space. Yeah, yeah. Like, I love to do that. So, you can't buy your tickets. Oh, was that almost sold out that theater? Look at this, those are the ones that are up and nice. This is where fucking months out.

Yeah. A theatrical experience with Burk Chrysler Live. You still don't even know what you're doing. I don't want to figure it out. You know I'm going to be in a speedo. But that's okay. So selfishly, I wanted to do well because I want to do a machine 2, 3, 4, and 5. I want to do machine moves.

That's for the rest of my life. Yeah. That would be my dream. My dream is to milk this story until it's tits hurt. And selfishly. Some would say we're already there. Go ahead. Selflessly, selflessly, if this machine movie does well, I can, all but guarantee you will

see the movie theaters flooded with comics doing movies. I guarantee, I completely agree with that. And so I keep saying this, but this is selfish, but go by a ticket because selfishly, that'll give me my thing. But more importantly, dude, that'll green light every comic where we have to do what the movie they want to do. And they'll do it the way we're doing this, where they're giving you so much control. Like, they've given me so much control.

It's to the point where I go like, I'm like, I keep going like, I'm just a fucking comic. Like, I don't know, like, especially with the marketing and like, I mean, I leaked the trailer in Tampa. Like, it's so that was great to yeah That was great. Jesus. All right, man. Yeah So you can get your tickets. That's very cool, man. I'm excited for it. I really want I haven't seen it, you know I haven't seen it. I think you'll I think you'll like it. I think you'll be distracted because you're gonna go Yeah, the one thing that anyone has seen it says is,

I can't believe you can act. Yeah. That's everyone says that. Yeah. Because I'm not the best actor, but I do enough, I'm not as bad as you'd expect for a guy that's never been in anything.

Yeah, I had no idea what to expect of you as an actor. That's true. And then we can make fat astronauts and then we can do all. Imagine, do you remember when we almost signed a 10-bix or deal? Dude When that got when the president the president of a company called us and was like how about you guys? Just produce and curate movies for us. I want you're like, okay. I wanted that so bad

Yeah, I wanted that so bad But that's that's the thing about Hollywood is like and that's why I never get my hopes up because people do big things and then, and sometimes they'll bring them to you and then it won't work out for them physically. It's always a thing that sounds cool. Then I got offered straight to series, huge show. You did, yeah.

And I, with one of the biggest producers in Hollywood and comedy, and I said, I don't wanna do it. What? Cause I didn't like it. I didn't like the... Did they make it? No. No.

For real? For real. It's a show. It's a series. Yeah. But it was a multi-cam series and it was straight. Hey, we'll go right to series. And I was like, I don't want to do that.

Can I guess the producer? Yeah, but I'll feel really weird. I don't have no idea who you think it is, honestly. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll tell you who it is. I just don't think I should say it on the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I know the person?

I think you know. Okay, then it's not who I think it is. Yeah. But here's what I'm saying. The thing you go, sounds cool on paper, I guess that does. You gotta do that, and you get the offer. And then the things that you're like,

I wanna do this, that's what it takes the work to get done. Can I tell you the best thing you ever passed on? What do you remember when? I Got offered the man show or and I say hey, do you want to do it with me and you went nope? Do you remember that fuck that was a long time ago, right? Yeah, they were rebooting the man show and they came to me I said do you want to do the man show? I was like, I mean, yeah, this is before pop with this way before two bears won cave. This before podcasting was even that big. And I called, Rogan was the first to play hardcore secret time. I called Rogan was the first person I called. I said, Hey man, I got to talk to you. I got offered the man show. What do you think I should do? And he said, fucking pass. I said, really? And he goes, please,

please, if I've ever given you any fucking advice, pass. And I said, I was like, okay. And so then I called you with an expert. And I said, hey, if, if, if I was going to do this, would you want to do it with me? And you were like, nope. And I went, all right, I'm out too. And then I pulled out. I think it's probably because, imagine, imagine the world of hell we'd be in.

If we had done the mansion, it would have been great, but it was as good as this fucking podcast. Maybe it wouldn't have, because we've been television. Well, you've been on a lot of notes. Dude, a lot of notes. Thank God we did this instead. They had magic in a bottle. Jimmy and Adam.

They had a, it was magic when they did it. They just had this vibe chemistry with them. They just, I mean, they fed off each other well, like the way we do, but the show, I don't know, I feel like that's just hard to recreate, man. Like what the show was about. Also, that show kind of works in a time capsule. It works for the era it was in, I think.

Yeah, it's hard to duplicate it now. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe now because things have swung, so the other way, it would actually be like endearing to watch people like, you know, do what they did. But I don't know. I don't even, I'm trying to, because it sounds, I remember it, but I don't remember the details, you know.

Yeah, I don't remember. I mean, there was like, I remember the juggies. Yeah, yeah, juggies. Girls jumping on trampolines. I remember when, I remember when that got green, that I was in New York. I just moved out to LA and I had gotten a TV show and we shot girls on trampolines and it's just,

now you can watch girls fist each other. What? You could. I mean, but you you can watch girls fist each other. What? You could. I mean, but you couldn't watch girls fist each other back then. Yeah, you have to buy a tape. They would just do this and they would just like, giggle. Look at this.

This is awesome. I know. This is like how the credits would roll on the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is awesome. This is it. This is how the man show would close. God damn it, man. This is so much.

They would say like, all right, well, you know, we'll see you next week and now, like, girls on trampolines and then the credits would roll. And people would just see this for like, like, the only show people actually saw the credits. I don't regret not fucking chicks I worked with. What? Like, I don't regret it. I'm happy with who I am in life. I worked with. What? Like, I don't regret it.

I'm happy with who where I am in life. I'm happy. But there was a period type in the X-Show. There was a period where I was with the hottest women in fucking the hottest women. And on the X-Show, gorgeous. I mean, the most beautiful fucking women and I was a fucking fool Why I could leverage my I love that that shot with you with the beanie on right there at the hat right

Is that right after our right? That expression on your face? Double chin. Oh, you trimmed it. I gave you a cool beard and you trimmed it. I fucking, oh, I came home that day and I said to Ila, she goes, oh, you gotta get rid of that beard.

That mustache, you look like a pervert. I go, how do you know what a pervert looks like? She goes, I'm staring at one. Oh my God. Oh there it is. There that's it. Yeah, you look cool there. I actually look good there. That looks good. With that mustache.

You're like 220 there, dude. I was 220. Oh look, look at that. You got the hat on right there. Yeah. Oh there it is. See, where you can see the side where I gave you like the kind of the pearl. Oh my God.

Yeah. God damn it. That's it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. on right there. Oh, there it is. See, where you can see the side, where I gave you the kind of the pearl. Oh my God. Yeah.

God damn it, that was so, I laughed so fucking hard. Can you believe that at that moment in my life, this is probably, this is the moment my career changed. This is one moment is when my career changed. Because the machine story went viral this day. This day? This is, do you remember me? If you listen to me in this podcast, I say to you, I think I do.

I go, I think my machine story is going viral on this podcast. I don't remember that. What I think that was, well, it was January, I posted it December 27th. Yeah, published 2017. So that would have been a month later? No, no, no, it was, I December 27th, I was January 4th. I was like a week later. So that was right, my machine story was just going viral.

And I was like, well, I was like, what the fuck? Was it really January 4th? I thought we did weigh-ons on January 1st. Maybe that story was published on the 4th. You know what I mean? God, look at that. I laughed. That's what I forgot how God, look at that. I laughed. That's so funny.

I forgot how hard we were laughing. Oh my God. I forgot how hard we were laughing. What you know what the hardest part was is that I was trimming your beard and I- Oh my God. Wait, listen, can you listen to this? This son.

Is that you looked at me and you go, does it look cool? Yeah. Your eyes look so innocent. I'm not. He's giving you a headlash son. Oh my God. There's a moment. Oh my God, this is so stupid. eyes look so innocent he's giving you a headlash on oh my god there's a moment

oh my god this is so stupid oh that's Joe's phone oh yeah what the fuck are you doing? it's like so cold oh my god Oh Where can I please see it? Oh my god, oh my god,in' it. Oh. Oh. God damn it.

Oh. It's gonna have a mouth! Oh my god, this is so stupid. Oh. Tom, is this the first are you doing? Why? I'm going to die. Is this the first time you shaved another man? Oh, yeah.

What? What? What? God damn it. God, we laughed so much. Oh, here we are. Fucking hard that day. It's so hard.

When I was like, through with this. I still feel the same right now. You go. Does it look good? What are you doing to me? I'm so much hair in my mouth. Tell me, what about cocktail? What are you doing? You can't drink right now, son. You're in labor. You're giving birth to a new bird. Oh my god That's right. I had a rash and we seek them You know you should do Tommy you should once a year Offer the sculpt a fans beard

You're a goddamn artist, dude. Isn't the good, though? It looks amazing, really. This sh- That's the fucking, the only time I've ever left harder than that is when I shaved your tits. Oh my God. That's the fucking, think about the hardest time.

Think about, you know, I can watch the Kool-Aid clip and I can immediately start laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hardest, the hardest I've ever laughed though was I think I laughed harder with the gen of ranniston really this is the heart. I remember I thought I was having a stroke. I was laughing so hard. Oh my god You're right there. Yeah. Oh god, you're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good!

You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good!

You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good!

You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! You're so good! It's gonna hurt like so. It looks good! It hurts my hair like so. It's gonna hurt! It hurts my hair like so. It hurts my hair like so. Look how much hair we have. I'm a little bit...

I'm a little bit... I'm a little bit... You can see your sweat. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. You guys, right now I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. It's what people shave their costs because it makes their pack look bigger and shave my titty. Oh, it really does. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger.

And the back of it does make a difference. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger.

It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. It makes my face look bigger. Oh, that was tight! Oh, that was tight! You're the part that people don't know about this? You want to see the difference? What? What?

People don't know. That this one looks smaller for a reason. For a reason. You don't even look like the same person today. I know. You don't even look like the same person today. You don't even look like the same human. No, no. That bird before this, he was like, oh, I thought it was the scanner. It's definitely sexier.

I got to be kind of sweating. I'm laughing so hard. You had to go T2. You had so much confidence. I was like, oh, I'm going to be a little bit more. I'm going to be a little bit more. I'm going to be a little bit more. I'm going to be a little bit more. I'm going to be a little bit more. I'm going to be a little bit more. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you're like, I could do your back and like shape your chest and I was like really and you're like, well, yeah I mean like that, you know, I've done this. I got you. I remember saying you your your underarm hair shouldn't connect with your Yeah, you're like, I'll I my exact words are I'll hollow you out

And you said for real and I said yeah I go I do it to myself all the time Tom and so I start doing it and I was so close to it that as I'm doing it as I pulled back as I pulled back and saw it, I remember my first thing, it looked like your tits were wearing sunglasses. And I went, that doesn't look good. And I started laughing, you know what, is it not look good? No, that's good. I was such a reveal for me too. I was like, you're like, I got you.

And I was like, I was like, I know what he's doing. And then as it went on, I was like, this doesn't look good at all, huh? You don't even look like, I wouldn't even say that that looks like you at all. Yeah. That doesn't look like you at all. No.

That was a, that's a totally different human. I think you have more different looks than any one person I know. Really? Yeah, like you don't look like, that does not look like Tom Sagerra. How about the fucking hair, having hair? Oh my God.

Yeah. And your go-tie is a totally different face. Yeah, completely different. I mean, you don't even have a beard here. How much did you weigh in this? Probably like 250. No. Yeah.

No. Yeah. You think you were 250 and I? Maybe 25, I Probably like 250. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. You think you were 250 and that? Maybe 255? I don't know. No. You think more? Yeah.

260? Yeah, it's a 270. No, I never had 270. You never had 270? Never had 270. I thought I was talking to a professional athlete once. Yeah. Can't remember who it is, I always fucked this up.

And I was like, just chuck. Yeah. And, and, yeah. I always fucked this up and I was like just chuck yeah and and Yeah, what say it I was thinking about the rest of that trip. Oh Jesus So do you remember when we told the Marines, hey, our girls went to the bathroom. Can you guys bust their balls about being women? And the guy goes, absolutely. Yeah, no problem. And we come and they go, sorry, we're late.

And he goes, yeah, typical women. Would you guys go to the bathroom, get lost? Have as well the women around here. And they were like, what the fuck? He's like, ladies, can you listen? Shut the fuck up. Wipe the shit out of yours and listen to what I'm gonna say. Guys don't have a problem with this

and he was so good at it. We were like, oh, yeah. And then we were like, we were like, we were like, you're like, I have daughters. You remember that? And he was like, yeah, I got one, but I got a boy too. It's pretty awesome.

And you were like, okay. And remember, we were like, Russell, you should come to this diaper practice with us. And he was like, I don't think so. And I'm like, oh, we're gonna miss it. And he was like, that's okay, it's Russell Peters. Yeah. And the first thing he said, guys, we have one rule in here.

If it's Brown and it moves, we kill it. And what I thought was, I'm glad we didn't bring Russell. Do you remember we got on the fuckage? We got on the boat and Russell's girlfriend at the time goes, does this boat go underwater? Oh my god. We started that. We're at an open air boat,

just like going through Pearl Harbor, and they're like the USS Arizona's down there. And she's like, we're gonna go underwater and see it. And we were like, what? Oh my god. And they're like, this action, she goes, this like, this goes under the water, and we're like, this isn't a submarine. That was the bottom boat. Like about like you're just gonna look she's like, but how do you see it?

Like you look down. Yeah, just look down When I came on how do you think this boat goes underwater? You think the cover just comes up cover comes up She was like, I don't know that why I'm asking Remember I remember we were at dinner and I said we called her our name was Kimberly. We called her dimberly We were at dinner and I said we called our name was Kimberly. We called her dimberly Everybody said to Russell. I was like, hey man. What's the name of that? Do you guys have you guys? There's like an Indian porn star and his brother starts going I go what this is really hot. I've seen her fuck you know what I'm talking about And I go what this is really hot. I've seen her fuck you know what I'm talking about Yeah, and then she and then she goes she says her name I go that is her name and right she goes and walks away and Russell

He goes thank you. I said when he was my ex-girlfriend. No, wait. Oh fuck. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah Yeah, we don't we don't need a floor up Yeah Rachel, I definitely know that yeah job description There's a lot of Googling you probably shouldn't do. Oh my god. God, look at the early two bears ones where I have long hair. Where? Like they're during the pandemic, two years ago.

Yeah, when I'm in Breya's growing my hair out, were you? What is that? Is that you? I guess, I don't know. Oh my god. Yeah, look at my hair. Oh yeah.

I kind of like that look. I might go back to there. Why are you growing it out? reason? We didn't know you couldn't get a haircut. Oh We're in the pandemic. Oh go go to the top one go to the top one. Look at the fucking hair the hairstyle had there What's this one? This is go to that spike where that spike is is where I do the hair. I'm almost positive. See right? Nope, see right there There, I know how you're. See, right? Nope. See right there. There. I don't know. How your hair's short there, right? See if you can find my hair. You take your hat off or what? Yeah.

I made my hair look really good. Your hair's kind of long. It's in the back too. Yeah. Yeah. I made my hair look ridiculous at one point. I don't remember where. See if you can find it reach. There you go. There you go. You look good there. I was in great shape, I wasn't drinking. I think I'm going on the wagon today. Today? For the weekend, I'm gonna be healthy this week. Getting shape. This week.

There you go. Oh yeah. I liked that hair man. I did too. God, I'm gonna get full transplants. Do it. There's so many people have done it now. But yeah, but it's not everyone's are good now. So there's a vacuum has them. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Pull up David Beckham right now. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, he's got David Beckham got your hair transplant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can totally tell. Yeah. The back of my ear plant transplants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can totally tell

Yeah Yeah, shut up. Oh, yeah, look at that It's clear as day man. Why wouldn't he just go bald and then make us look cool? I don't know got his His fucking hair transplants are thick very thick it might be a little too thick I'm gonna and then one of all the sudden I'll just have a full fucking heavy hair. Exactly, like that. Look at that shit, man. So much hair. God.

Are you gonna do it? No. Why not? I guess I'm gonna still cheat it. There's some guys that do the wig. I wouldn't mind doing that. I wouldn't mind doing. Do you know who does wigs?

No, I'm fine. Yeah. Wait, Jamie Foxx air transplants? Jamie Foxx? I don't know. The on Sanders did. Yeah, he looks great. Yeah, he looks great.

John Travolta. Here we go. What? I'm giving you people who have... Would you do it? No. What up? Because I realized something. I had the resources you do it? No. What up? Because I realized something.

I had the resources to do it, and I've had them, and it's been presented to me. And I think that if something doesn't bother you enough, you don't act, and I realize that it doesn't bother me enough. Maconahe's looks beautiful, he's, but he, because if I got hair transplanted, I'd want to be able to go swimming with them. I think all those guys can.

Some guys when they go swimming all the sudden you can see that it looks different. His head dovet. Wait, who were you just talking about? It looks like Prince Harry got him. Prince Harry got him? Looks like it. Yeah. I think you should do it.

You've always talked about hair, and you, so you can't. Matt, what you'm calling got him? Damon. Matt Damon got transplants? I don't know. That anaflex definitely did. Benaflex it?

Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell. God dammit. Look at Cosner. I just wouldn't want to try this. Look at Cosner right there.

I wanted it so I could grow my hair long. Let's see Benaflex. Yeah. It makes my butthole tingle. Ben Affleck got hair transplanted. Ben Affleck. I got thick that is now Like I'm a from the bottom of my fucking soul. Jesus. Yeah. I Don't know he looks good. I wish I could take my pubic hair and put it up there You can wait no, but why don't you do,

because you do care, that's the difference. I do. You've done maintenance the whole time, like, the last decade. I've been using Rogaine. So why not take the step and do like the top tier transplant? I don't know. What's stopping it?

Like, what is for, like, that it's gonna, that it's, I want hair. Like, I don't want, I don't want like, I don't want like, fake. But they do the state of the art stuff is amazing now. For real? Well, I mean, we're showing you like the- I know, maybe if I wait like another year,

it'll get even better. All my assulting was thinking about it. But having a full head of hair? No, but about how they do it, where they said, George Clooney got him? I don't know. Well, they're showing you where he had a widow's peaking now. It's like, it's fixed.

God dang it. So I'm the only motherfucker. You know what? Maybe I'll fucking just be fat and bald and I'll take over Hollywood by storm because then there'll be no fat bald guys. That's, yeah. What you, if you had hair, would you do long? Yeah.

Oh fuck, you're like, cool. Oh, I'm doing this all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what, ask me a question, I'm doing this all the time. Yeah, yeah. Like, what, ask me a question, I'll show you how I do my hair. What do you think of this situation going on in Syria? Shit. I do that a lot. Oh my God, I saw a clip of you.

Just like make it in the algorithm. Yeah. It was so it in the algorithm. It was so funny, the comments. It was you on Rogan. And you just brought up the Silicon Valley bank and you were like, yeah, and you start commenting. And then I went into comments and they were like, whenever I went inside on the financial crisis,

I always think of, what does Bert Kreischer think? It was like a thousand people writing that. They're like, oh, I'm glad Bert weighed in on the financial situation. I don't know anything about it. God, I left so fucking hard. I don't know anything about the financial situation.

All I know is that my special dropped last year during the pandemic and then during the financial crisis. Yeah, I think I caused a good timing. It's good timing. Yeah. All right, we should wrap this up. Yeah, let's wrap it up. I think I have COVID. Brue. I think so. Cool. Yeah. I think I'm getting COVID. I think you are too. All right, man. I love you. See you guys. Alright, man. I love you. See you guys. No scripts to beat a booze, amateur, fatology, dirty jokes, Rancho Humber, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.

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