2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Shane Gillis vs SNL: Round 2 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: October 19, 2026

SPONSORS: Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 10% off your first month. Download the DraftKings Sports app and use code BEARS. New DraftKings customers can spend five and get two hundred in total bonuses paid within 21 days – includes all markets. Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at https://square.com/go/bears! #squarepod Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in with Tom in Austin and Bert in New York for the Food & Wine Festival. Tom opens by tackling the Shane Gillis backlash from his SNL monologue, while Bert tries to stay out of it for once (he just really loves those pants). The Bears react to the livestreamed execution of the Fort Hood shooter getting called off. Then Bert declares himself Team Katie for new White House press secretary Katie Zacharia, from her shaky first briefing to her gym pics and the bar exam she failed, and the guys give her three months, tops. He also opens up about his people-pleasing after a woman on a plane Googles him and asks, "What did you do?" Plus: Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 story, Bert buying Napoleon's cologne in Paris, Pope Leo's surgery, a maintenance guy catching Bert's 54-year-old mirror selfie, Bert's street-interview do-over, Chris Distefano charming Rachael Ray on Something's Burning, and Mark Zuckerberg's first Guinness. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 344 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org/. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:58 - Shane Gillis' SNL Monologue 00:06:28 - Bert Stays Quiet For Once & Those Gym Pants 00:18:35 - The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution Gets Called Off 00:23:15 - Katie Zacharia & Condoleezza Rice's 9/11 Story 00:27:58 - The George Bushes & Napoleon's Cologne 00:35:03 - The Press Secretary Failed The Bar & Bert's Oval Office Plan 00:42:31 - "What Did You Do?" Bert Gets Googled On A Plan 00:48:25 - Pope Leo, Bert's Mirror Selfie, & The Street Interview Do-Over 00:56:50 - Chris Distefano Charms Rachael Ray 01:01:30 - Zuckerberg's First Guinness & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100%. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm in Austin, Texas. You're in Judeoort Titties, and you are, you are, what are you doing there again? I'm doing the New York Food and Wine Festival. I'm doing Burger Bath, Bass with Rachel Ray. That's right. You were doing that. You were doing some pro-Palestine rally, and now you're here, and you're just going to, have you done the Rachel thing yet? I did an episode of, uh, something's burning with Rachel Ray and Christa Stefano. I did an episode with the basement yard. I did an episode with Mark Norman and Keith Robinson.

Okay. And then I do this. And then I go to London for the Jaguars game. Then I go work out with Mark Wahlberg on Monday. That's a full fucking number of days you have there, man. I know, man. And I think I have COVID. Keep going.

Keep fucking going. Well, that's exciting. I think we should probably address the hottest topic in all of comedy right now. Tony Hitchcliffe special. Wait, what were you going to say? Our friend, Shang Gillis, in a bit of a firestorm, I'm sure you've seen by now, hosted SNL last weekend, did a monologue, and it took the interwebs by storm. And here's all...

It's crazy. Here's what I want to say about it, because I know we can just say it and then we can move on. There's a couple things. I know that like I never believe in policing the masses of like what you think of what comedians said. I'm a proponent of like if you're offended or if you're upset and you want to be outspoken, I support that. I feel like people have the right to feel however they want to feel. And I think what happened in this case is that there are these literally. legitimate feelings that people have about misogyny or about injustice, about the way women are treated,

whether it's in certain settings and, you know, whether it's colleges, gyms, or just as a whole, maybe the feeling that a lot of women have legitimate, you know, frustrations with a lot of things in society. and I think those are all things that are worth talking about. I also think more than one thing can be true. And while I understand that it was used as like this lightning rod to have these conversations, I think, I feel like I want to say that as far as Shane goes, I know a lot of people probably who didn't know who Shane was,

as popular as he is, discovered him from this clip, Like it became 100%. That's so funny because I assume everyone knows who Shane is. I think he is, in my opinion, the biggest thing to happen to comedy since Dane Cook, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy. He is very popular and 100% everybody does not know him. And millions of people who are not into, you forget that. stand-up is ultimately not, it's not the most popular.

Like, there's a lot of people who go, yeah, I know who Dave Chappelle and Seinfeld are. They don't know who anybody is. And those people also were sent a clip or their friend was like, have you seen this thing from SNL? And they go, I don't watch SNL. Who's this? And they discovered him in that clip. I only wanted to say that like this clip, this clip, this set doesn't represent who that

guy is. Shane is, I mean, and there's, look, there's a lot of people in our business who I'd be like, I'll just, I wouldn't say anything. I just, but the reason I wouldn't say anything is because I'd be like, this guy's an asshole. He's a good guy. And I just feel obligated. I just wanted to say that he's a really good guy, a really genuine, authentic, grounded guy, a good friend, like, loves his parents, loves his family, loves his friends. And, I know there's people who say that, see that clip and they go, like, you know, what an asshole or like, this guy's not funny. And I just wanted to tell you, like, that does not represent how funny that guy is. He's a legitimately very, very funny guy.

And I feel bad that I don't think anyone ever wants to be caught. I know people are like, oh, he doesn't care. He's big. But it sucks to get, like, in the crosshairs of something like that. I know it wasn't his intention and I know that intention doesn't excuse what you like if you're fired up about like it doesn't excuse things. My point is essentially this more than one thing can be true. People can be genuinely like upset or happy to have conversations that they feel like need to happen about women and their appearance or attire or how they're spoken to or misogyny.

All these topics are like legit to talk about. Secondly, or going with that statement, I feel like concurrently, I guess you can also say that this guy's a good guy. I really think it's important to say he's a good guy and he's a funny guy. He's a really funny guy. He's one of our best as far as somebody who can do so many things. He's a funny guy on stage. He's funny as an actor, as a sketch performer, as a podcast. like he's just a really funny dude and I don't think that that set represents how

talented that guy is he's just a really good dude and I I hope I don't know how he's going to choose to like navigate this or say he'll make his choices and he's a smart guy too but I will tell you that that doesn't represent who that guy is and and that's it that's really what I wanted to say about it nice um oh wow bert's doing I'm doing good will listening it's fucking so boring yeah yeah well I just thought that like the bert had the one time to not speak was he was like well I won't get caught up at anything if I say nothing for once I will shut up and it's just because I don't want to be in trouble.

Cheers. That's great, Bert. This will be the one clip you never speak on. I agree with everything you said. I agree with everything you said. I think it, you know, whatever. It's so funny how it's so funny what triggers someone's ears. The thing that I thought when I watched that clip was like,

like those pants that he's talking about. I know those pants and I love them. And I tried to get some for Leanne. And she wouldn't wear them. She was like, I'm not wearing those. And I was like, you've such a great butt. Your butt's going to look amazing in these. I love those pants.

And by the way, I've got to tell you, I mean, if we were just looking at from the sidelines, it's been quite an enjoyable week on social media because beautiful women are posting themselves almost naked, working out and then calling themselves a whore. There's also this funny thing too that you always realize how the source of

the statement or the joke has such huge impact. If that same exact sentence was said by a woman, people would be like, finally someone's saying, you know what I mean? The response would be different. If Steph Tolev or

or Nikki Glazer or Jessica Curzon was out there saying this thing about going to the gym women are wearing, it changes it entirely. It's like the same, you know, you have to be like sometimes of the group to get away with saying the thing. Here's the lesson. Here's the takeaway. You can't talk about people who are looking to post every single day. Okay?

Yeah. Because this is what Pete Davidson and Shane Gillis have taught us. they went after a group of people who post every day. Yeah. And are always looking to fill content. So when you go after them, you just gave them their week of content. Yeah. And by the way, I don't really have, the word whore never really,

slut was always the one in my was the bad word. You can't say slut. Well. Hore was a broad stroke. So I'm tone deaf to all of it. I've been calling Leanne a slut for years. privately I go where's my slut I love it I love it

I call her a bitch I call her I haven't called Leanne a whore There's this one experiment that like would have been interesting Which is like I wonder what would have happened If um If just that word Had been used like had been substituted for another word Like I just wonder if the same

Excuse me the same firestorm Like you know I mean results if the word is substituted for another word. I wonder if it was like, if that was a huge part. Like if you had said flusy? Just like, have you seen, they really look like, I don't know, like even if he had described, like if he had been like, they really looked like they're ready to get down. Can I pivot right here? Here's the problem. Everyone's getting caught up on the fact that they think Shane just called women whores. That's not what is. His joke is that, his joke is that, He is caught looking at them in the back while they're filming.

He is caught looking. His joke was, Shane knew he's got a good, ugly, caught face where he goes like this. And so that was what he was just getting to that. And horror was like a placeholder to get there. Yeah. So like I know, but it gets all the attention. It gets all the attention. Yeah.

It's a way to get there. It's like you have that big N-word joke and everyone thinks like they go, oh, he said, Bert said the N-word. But they don't think about the fact that what your jokes really, about is like white, no, it's about how white people have behaved a certain way for generations. And it's like, oh, Bert said the N-word. Let's talk about that. And they don't think about how you're saying, no, the white people are at- I've never said the N-word. Everyone in this room is black, Tom. Everyone in this room.

Can you guys come over here for a second? Can you come over here a second? The whole room is black and you're saying this. And they're just like, eyes, look at this. Yeah. He has a great N-word joke. That's okay. All right. Thank you guys. Okay. No, I think, you know. No, I know. Sorry, I'm just, we can get back to your joke later, but the whole internet like just popped off and you just saw Instagram became this, you know, everyone being like clapping for all my fellow, yeah, wars at the gym. I love it. I love it.

I love it. And I love it. I got to be honest with you, man. I'm tone deaf to all this. I don't have a problem with this or with her. And I'm sure that doesn't like hurt Shane's feelings. I think people really got excited to post. This girl got lit up.

This was the one. I saw her in my feet a bunch because she was like, she was like one of the first ones to be like not the hottest woman to post. And then Shane's fans went after her. Wow. And we're like, not you. safe, you pig. Like, it's so fun.

I mean, the fans. Okay. There's a lot. It is funny the amount of people who are just like, he's talking about all of us. Like, no, he wasn't talking about all of you. He wasn't talking about you. He was very clearly describing a certain. Okay.

Well, anyway. I just want to say, I love those pants. Let's not lose those pants. Don't lose those pants in this discussion. Those pants fucking rock. And if I can get all women to wear those plants, including, and actually, I'm just talking to my wife, if I can get Leanne and a pair of those pants and write horror across her chest and then tag Shane Gillis, I would fucking love that.

That's what Leanne, I want Leanne to fucking protest this. Leanne thought, Leanne liked it. She was like, I didn't see a problem with it. But Leanne loves Shane. I love Shane. Look, I'm a rider die for Shane. So, like, it's also, what are you going to get from me? I'm fucking known Shane forever.

I love Shane. I texted him the second this all happened and said, you know I always have your back. I was a ride or die when he said the Asian shit. I was like, oh my God, look at these. Hold on. These are fucking incredible. They're amazing.

I love those on the far left. That's the one I want Leanne to wear. That one top left there. Whoever fucking created those is a genius. Yeah, those are amazing. They're incredible. Can I, can I, uh, can I tell you what really bummed me out about this?

Hmm. Was Shane's ex-girlfriend went after him. Really? There should be like an NDA when you date someone that like... Over this stuff? Yeah. She was like... Do you have a cold?

Yeah, I, yeah, I got everything. Do you want a tissue? No. It's gross to listen to. No, I'm fine. I think we're not fine. Could you get a tissue? I hope this is better.

Okay, that was a lot. Yeah, thank you. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you have thought about trying therapy with our longtime partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide, with the average co-pay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Let me tell you this. My name is Bert Kreiser, and I love the work I'm doing in therapy.

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Did you see that they called off to live execution? I know. And then Trump was like, I didn't know he was paralyzed. He's paralyzed? I guess. I just saw this. It's so funny that the thing he'd be like, oh, he's paralyzed? Yeah, no, we're not doing it.

We're not going to wheel him out and shoot him. How much better would this live execution be? Just hear me out. Just hear me out. Yes. You roll him far as fuck away, right? And then they each take their shot and they're like, he's still alive. And then you roll him five feet.

You really kill this guy. They set him up. Five feet closer. They set him up at like at two miles away. And he's like, is anybody? And then the bullet just going, he's like, holy shit! It just goes right by his head. He's like, you got me.

I think I'm dying. Don't shoot again. Oh, my, after learning the fortage, okay, scroll down. This is so fucking crazy. President Trump and his advisors are debating whether to call off the plans to live stream the firing squad execution of the Ford Hood shooter, with Trump having remarked privately that he did not initially know that Nadal Hassan was paralyzed from the waist down.

The president was like, I just can't imagine him being like, he's what? They're like, he is paralyzed. And he's like, that's not good. I don't like that. He's got to be so much fun to be around on a daily basis. Trump? Oh, my God. So entertaining.

I would be in his cabinet just to hate. He's paralyzed. Paralyzed? Yeah. Call it off. Never mind. Let's not do it. Even after Hegsetth posted on X confirming that the Pentagon planned to live stream

the execution, Trump polled several of his advisors and allies on how to proceed. It was during those conversations, he learned he was paralyzed. He was shot in the back by law enforcement during the 2009 shootout at Fort Hood. And he now uses a wheelchair, which made showing the execution less palatable to the president. He's like, a guy in a chair just getting lit up by a fucking firing squad? I don't know. What do the polls say? Well, that is really surprising.

I also did not know he was paralyzed. I didn't know. But how paralyzed? Can he use his hands? I think he has hand control. At least some, he's waist down paralyzed. He's not a quadriplegic. They should.

Here's his ironic for me, though. Okay. I was not into the idea of watching the live streaming execution. But I do think I'm curious about seeing a paralyzed guy get shot. You know? I do think I would have maybe turned in. into that. That's how I, I don't know. Yeah, I think it's more interesting. I think what we do, and this is how we get out of our deficit, is we also paralyze him from the neck down. So we get rid of

his arms, right? And then we rent him to people for like a week for a high price. Yeah. And he's, and they can have this guy. So instead of him living the rest of his life or getting executed and being put out of his misery, we force him to live a very unhappy life. I like that. Yeah, I like that a lot. Yeah. I think it's a good idea. You can torture him if you want, you can beat him.

Yeah. I mean, I don't believe this guy deserves to, I mean, the live stream was more a disgusting reflection on me and society was that we were willing to watch it. And I wasn't, I wasn't, like, fired up to watch it. I was just like, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, instead of being the guy, do you remember two girls one cup when they're like, hey, sit. it down. I want you to see something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? What is it? What is it? What the, what the fuck?

Dude. He's fucking a horse? And then I don't want that. I remember when I showed my parents that and like the reaction of them was just unbelievable. It was one of the best things I've ever done that, but those are fun moments, the surprise. You got to see this. But surprise shows show somebody and execution is crazy. How fucking with that, how fun with that surprise is. go, you guys want to see something really cool? And they roll this guy out. And they're like, is he going to learn to walk? And you're like, no, no, no.

He's going to get out of the wheelchair. Shut the fuck up. And they're like, no, no, no. Wait, what are those soldiers doing? Oh, my God. He came back from battle and he's going to walk to them? And you're like, no, no, keep watching. Keep watching.

They killed him? Like, oh, yeah, you didn't, have seen this one yet? You haven't seen this? Yeah, he was paralyzed and then they just shot him and killed him. That's fucking. What a hot week in media. The best, dude. So much going on.

Have you seen the new White House press secretary? No, but I saw someone. No, I haven't. I don't know what's, I mean. Oh, yes, I have. Yes, I have. Her speaking is what I'm talking about. I have seen this.

She's fucking awesome. It's. I love it. I love it. Her press conference, she had trouble read. I guess it's nerve-wracking. That makes sense. I'm not saying this is a...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop right there. It does not make sense. It does not make sense. She is press secretary. That's not, I'm not disqualifying that I love her. No, no, I'm saying nerves make sense on day one. I was saying it makes sense to be nervous to be like, I speak in the West Wing. But like, just check out some of this shit.

Just watch. I want to see it. I am so honored to work for President Trump and the American people as the new White House press secretary. That's cool. So far so good. I want to thank President Trump for his trust that he has placed in me. I have wanted to work for him for a very long time. She's very nervous.

Is she American? I'm looking forward to working with each of you as well. Especially as we are in the middle of the midterm blitz with energy and excitement, never seen before in the history of midterms thanks to President Trump. Just look no further than last night in Youngstown, Ohio, where President Trump delivered another blockbuster rally out on the trail. The arena was overflowing with enthusiasm. Like she's struggling to read these. What's her name?

I want to find her on Instagram. I guarantee you she's got a picture. With a K. With a K? Yeah, with a K. Yeah, Katie. Yeah, Katie Zagari. I guarantee you she's got a picture.

picture of her in workout outfits. Oh, boy. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. Katie Zachariah, Katie Zachariah, Katie Zachariah. Katie Zachariah. Give me a fucking workout picture. I see you. You're in an elevator. You're not too far off, Katie Zachariah. Let's go to early Katie Zachariah. You on the beach? Nope. Here we go. Here we go. A lot of politics. A lot of politics. Katie, where are you in the gym? No, she's one picture of you in the gym. She's, look, man. She's beautiful woman. Oh, I got her. I got her. Boom, baby. I love it. Our press secretary is all.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Jesus. You can't do this, Katie. This triggers us, Katie. Here's another one. Jesus Christ! This doesn't happen in Iran!

Look at that. Yeah. Fucking, I love you, Katie. I am team Katie, top to bottom. I am fucking here for it. Yes, I love this. Dude, I love this chick. Not great at public speaking.

Post-Gim outfits. I love her. Katie Zachariah, my name is Burke Kreischer, and I have your back. There you go. I knew it, I knew it. You're not hanging. Who's our old press secretary?

Was it, uh, Condi? Condi. That's what I call her. Condoleezza Rice? Anybody? Condoleezza Rice was, no. What was she? Caroline Levitt was the last.

Who was, what was Conalisa Rice? The baddest motherfucker in America. Was a, uh, not a press secretary. She was Secretary of State. Wow. Can me tell you a great Conno Lisa Rice story? You have a Conno Lisa Rice story? I love this.

I read a book about 9-11. On 9-11, shit goes down, right? They're like, yo, we got to lock shit down. We're going to give everyone five minutes to get your shit in order, call your families, make sure everyone's safe, and then we're meeting in the go room. you know, like the under the country, under the thing in the boardroom to figure out what our next steps are.

The guy that was telling this, I think it was, maybe it was Dick Cheney or something, says he gets down there and Condoleezza Rice is already sitting at the table. And they're like, Condi, do you want to, real quick, do you want to take care of anything? She goes, no, everyone I love is dead. Let's get to work. Fuck yeah, Condi. I fucking love Connoisse. I love Connoisse. I love Connoisseurice.

I love Conno Lisa Rice. I'm telling you, man. I love Barack Obama. I love Bill Clinton. But Conno Lisa Rice is my motherfucker. If I could get a Condoleezza Rice shirt. Really? I love Condoleezza Rice.

I don't know why. I think because I really love George Bush Jr. I loved him. I just got a kick out of him. You know what? I don't follow politics. But the fact, the day I fell in love with him was the day there's a great video of him walking through the United Nations saying what's up to everyone.

And he doesn't know anyone's name. And he's like, what's up, big dog? And he's like, Chief. How we doing, Captain? Hey, Kimo Saabe. You've seen the clip of him where he's on the golf course, and I forget what question he answers. I got to crush this drive.

He's like, no, watch this drive. I fucking love him. That shit is so funny, dude. We must stop the terror. The terror. I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive.

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This is the best time of year. So get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American original tasting great since 48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. Let me tell you something. I'm so glad we're out of the world where we hated Bush because I had to keep my voice in my opinion low back in the day. There was something about him that just made me ticker. me.

My dad, my dad hated him. Yeah, a lot of people hated him. And then the war changed it, but then time has helped him. Time and like the current administration has made people go, you know, that guy was not that like, you know what I mean? Everybody used to say, like, is there anybody dumber than this guy? That was the thing. They were like, this guy is dumber than a box of sand.

And then Trump came in office and they were like, oh, maybe that guy was like an MIT physics professor because no. No one is dumber than this guy. It's just the craziest thing that perspective really changes over time. What's crazy, this is what else I love about George W. Bush, Jr. He gives Wethers to Michelle Obama and then they go to, like, big events. Well, they're all at least, like, have... They're all friends.

Well, they have human, like, they have decency. Yeah. Like, those people all have some level of decency. And they're, yeah, that's where Trump is. His dad's one of the baddest motherfuckers ever. built. I mean, his dad was... A.W? Dude? Yeah. Don't get me started about... They don't make

Americans like that. Now, I understand politically you're going to get upset or whatever that. And that's what I'm talking about. He signed up in World War II. We're talking planes were just kind of invented. And he signed up in World War II to do dive bomb missions into Japan. And then when he landed, they would give him one shot of whiskey

to calm his nerves. That's it. And he did all those dive bomb missions over in Japan. I mean, and then came back. CIA or FBI or whatever the fucking did. No, he ran the CIA, dude. Yeah, CIA. He was also, what, ambassador to China. He was, yeah, pretty high-level stuff, man. I love, I think the older I get, the more, the less political sides you're all in matter to me and just like the, like the, like the, the worth of that man. Like, so there's people that, you know, dislike Winston Churchill.

Fucking love the guy. Love the guy. But you love him personally. I like Napoleon. I like Genghis Khan. Like, I'm a fan of Genghis Khan. What did he smell like? Didn't you buy Napoleon's... Incredible. Really? Incredible. I bought Napoleon's scent, and it's incredible.

It's like a, it's a very floral... Where did you do it? Where was it again? In France. You were in Paris? In Paris, and we walked into this old beauty shop, and Leanne goes, this is like the highest-end beauty shop. You know Leanne has got a real pretty woman-esque to her, or dare I say, Kelly Clarkson-esque tour. and she just walks in

and she goes, well, I don't know nothing about what's in here. And they're like, they're like, please leave, please leave the store, please. Please leave, leave. I can smell you from here.

And they were like, and then someone was like, oh my gosh, are you that machine? And I went, I am. And he goes, are you with this this feeble-minded peasant? And I said, I am. That's my wife.

And they went, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come in. The store is open to you. and then Leanne was doing her business and I said, they said, can we introduce you a clone? And I was like, nah, I don't really wear clones. And they're like, really? And they're like, you know, we're one of the oldest things in France.

And I go, yeah, do you guys have Napoleon's clone? Just joking. Because I wanted to see where they beheaded Maria Antoinette. Like when I was in Paris, I wanted to see. I guess that happened in Germany. But anyway, I didn't follow through. And so I, um, I, they were like, Yeah, we have Napoleon's clone.

And I went, are you serious? And they're like, it's right here. I smelled it. I fucking loved it. I loved it. Napoleon was a bad motherfucker. Yeah? Yeah, he was.

I mean, and by the way, I got to say, not that small for the time. I mean, they were all pretty short. Right. What was he, like, 5-7 or something? Yeah. I think shorter. I think how poor, how Paul? How poll.

Our press secretary is fucking hot. Yeah, she looks good, man. She's beautiful. I'm going to like this and follow her. Jesus Christ. I'm a direct message her. Should I message her? He was 5-6 to 5-7, it said.

5-6-5-7. That's Tony Hinchcliff site. Tony Hinchcliffe is catching some flares today. Today? Yeah, for me, I'm lighting them up. I got them on my mind. I just followed her and DM'd her. I was like, hey, would you like to come on my podcast?

I don't know. Like, it's weird that she's the press secretary. Like I'm saying with her speaking skills. Like was she a broadcaster before this? Is that what she did? No, I think she's just political and beautiful. Can you look at that guys? Like is that on a, is that her background?

I don't understand. Her career, she was depart, she was deputy assistant secretary for public affairs. She worked as a- She went to Pepperdine? Oh, she worked as a commentator for Newsmax. Oh, boy. after graduation

she failed the California bar exam before moving to China with her husband when they asked her yeah that was the big the big news it was like they were like when did you where did you pass the bar and she replied when I moved to China she subsequently said that because of the noise

coming from the helicopter she misheard the question where were you after law school the bar exam in mainland China is reserved for Chinese citizens she is not Chinese I don't know that she passed the bar exam anywhere in the United States they subsequently confirmed that she had failed the bar exam and was not a practicing lawyer despite her not practicing attorney she has repeatedly referred to herself as a lawyer

during her appearances on Fox News and on social media like like this like a lawyer yeah I'm a lawyer yeah that's and I'm an athlete yeah that's really I'm not an alcoholic okay I like this game you like this game Tom's not racist that's really cool that's cool that's cool Tom's. She was Okay. Okay. This is going to be,

I think this is going to be short-lived, Bert. You think? I don't think this is going to last. I'll hire her. I think she will be press secretary for under six months,

maybe under three. Do we change? I thought once you got, that was like a life term. No. No. No. I think this is going to be

one of those real quick shifts here. Yeah. She's going to be out quick. Jesus. Very exciting, though. That's okay. You can pull that down. Oh, there you go, Bert.

Look at her. I love her. That's our press secretary. I know, yeah. Fuck yeah. Look at her. I love this. That's the one I fucking liked.

That's the one you liked. Yep. Look at her. Yeah. She's great. Okay. I wouldn't be shocked if, if, I mean, what are we doing anyway? It's like, what does the press secretary do?

They get up and they go like, Like, you had a lot of phone calls today and I patched them through. They're the connection between the administration and the media. So they're the mouthpiece for the administration. Yeah, you have to be, the good ones are very savvy at handling the questions. They're also super well informed. They're very articulate. But yeah, I don't know.

Wasn't the guy from Harold and Kumar, a press secretary? the guy from Harold and Kumar? Yeah, wasn't that guy a pro secretary? The Indian guy? Or Asian, rather. He was a White House staffer, it says. I don't know. How do I get in the White House?

I think it's actually achievable. You? Yeah, if I just talk positive about Trump, I bet I can get in the White House. I think you could get in the Oval Office. I think you can get there in a very short amount of time. If that's a goal of yours, which feels like it is, I think you could really easily pull that off.

We're living in a fever dream right now. So, like, if anything was ever going to be achievable, it's right now. Like, we're going to go back to regular life in, like, when's the next election in four years? Oh, my God. When's the next election in four years? Did we just elect the president? I don't know. 28?

28? In one year? In two years. No, no. Like, the election will be in 27 for 28. Yeah. Okay. So we got one year left of this.

Yeah. it's like, listen, our parents are on vacation and it's Sunday. Are we really just going to clean the house? Let's fucking throw a rager and have a pool party. And then just when they come home, they'll get, they're going to yell at us anyway. They have nests cams. They know we've been partying. We might as well just all clean it up on Sunday and just party balls Sunday and do what we're going to do.

Cut our hair and let our parents come home and yell at us. And then be like, fuck, now we all got to clean it up together. Yeah, dude. Blow it up. I think why don't you do like some super maga post and like, Have it, it'll go viral. Right, better will. And then just have your reps reach out to the White House and be like,

Bert wants to come to the White House and do a speech and like meet the president and talk about how great he is. And I'm sure Trump would be like, come on over. Nate Bargazzi actually got into the White House. When he went there, he got into it. Because he was invited. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was invited to, I mean, if Nate can get into the White House, I can definitely get into the Oval Office. I think you definitely can.

Here's the question. What a cool goal. It's going to be a lot of pushback for my family. Really? Oh, well, my side. What do you mean? The N side would be pretty fired up. Oh, you think the Chrysers?

My dad would fucking... My dad, when he saw a picture of one of our friends, not broken, but one of our friends with Trump, my dad said to me very clearly, buddy, you're not to like take a picture with him. And I was like, I got it. He was like, look, if there's anything I've learned in therapy, it's everything about me is about approval for my fucking father. So, oh my God.

That's deadly accurate. That's wild. That's so good. It's so good. Holy shit. What watch am I wearing? That's fucking great, man. Oh, my God.

that's god damn it that looks that's so fucking you know you ever feel like this podcast does more worse for us than good in our careers

that's so good dude you would be like that you would be like oh like mouth open hey Bert what if President Trump was like

take your shirt off take the shirt off dude I don't have I don't, I'm a Billy Busher. Like I'm a, I am. When I met Billy Bush, I actually gave him a hug and said, I understand everything you went through because I am you. I am a glad handing smile, not question it, sure thing.

I'm not a pushback guy at all. Yeah. What do you think that's all about that people pleasing? I don't know because I want people to like me and it sucks. It sucks. And I actually was getting a glass of champagne and there was this, uh, older black woman, she saw me on Instagram. She goes, yeah, I just got rid of mine. And I was like, yeah. She's like, yeah, I can't let people fucking tell me I'm fat. And I was like, yeah. She goes, it doesn't matter what people say about you. It's how you feel about yourself. And I said,

what if how you feel you about yourself is based on what people say about you? She goes, look to me. She goes, honey, you're fucked and just walked away. But I mean, like, here's the thing that I got to call bullshit on for every one of us, is we would not be on stage performing comedy if we didn't care what people thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very few of us, and you can tell the guys who do it, they care.

Like, I guarantee you, and I, you know, I'm a ride or die for Shane, and I'm just doing this to humanize the man, is, I guarantee you he's a little upset that everyone took that one joke and ran with it, and it's polarizing people. Shane's not a like, fuck everyone kind of guy.

Shane is a, let's have a good time guy. Let's all have a beer. He texts me very like thoughtful, sensitive things. Yeah, yeah. And so because he ultimately, like us, is looking for the approval of an audience. And even Joe Rogan,

who I think could care less what one human being thinks about him, he will, I can promise you this, change his words on stage if it doesn't get a laugh. If it doesn't get a laugh, he will edit those words so that they are appeasable enough for a laugh. That is the job of a comedian. And yeah, I just, I don't know. I wish I could get rid of it, man. I really wish I could.

And I find I'm on so much therapy right now. I was sitting next to a woman on a plane. I shouldn't tell you this story. I shouldn't say this out loud. but I will because you know so I'm sitting next to a woman on a plane she goes what do you do for a living

I said I'm a comedian this is very recent Tom yeah this is like two weeks ago she goes oh really what's your name and I said uh burr Kreischer she goes are you on YouTube and I said I am and she typed in Bert Kreischer

and then she flipped it around and it was a picture of me and it was like and it was a really bad picture of me it was like the most hated man on the internet. And I, obviously, it's, you know, it's a, not a fan, but the opposite of a fan video of me. Guy hates me.

And so he does videos about me. I don't, I didn't see it. I haven't watched it. And then she looked at me and goes, what did you do? And I was like, nothing. And I couldn't say to her nothing. Nothing. I did absolutely.

I was just trying to make people like me. And then some people just based on me wanting people like me don't like that about me. I want people to like me or maybe they can't identify with that within themselves. So they make video. And I also want to be like, look, there's a whole arm of the internet that just wants views. And they don't really care if it damages your life. They just want views. There are people that want, I mean, they don't care.

It's like they're real like the, and I say the word troll, I don't mean it bad, but the real essence of a troll is they enjoy watching the chaos. Yeah. They enjoy throwing a Molotov cocktail into a mall and watching people run. And I just was like, and I sat next to this woman on the plane, and she didn't speak to me again the whole flight. And she was like, because she has no frame of reference. She's not going to watch it and go, wow, it seems like they just pulled clips of you from a podcast

and that they didn't really represent you the full. She didn't do any of that. She just was like, wow. And I was like, oh, this is cool. Damn. I don't say next time, what do you do for a living? I'm a fucking abortion doctor. Yeah.

My name is Burr-Krecher. Google it. No one would believe you're a doctor ever. No one. No one. But yeah, I know what you're saying, man. I know that that arm of the internet is rough and nobody, no one like goes, oh, I enjoy being the, you know, the subject of one of these videos about like, no.

No. No, I know, but what can you do? Like, what can you do? Nothing. And the truth is, you said it is, the other part of me is also, it's like, you know, there's a part of me that goes, they, they, they, Those people that make those videos are pretty talented. They make great videos. They get to lots of views.

I don't want to, if that's how you make your rent, I don't want to like, look, if I'm a thing that you can make rent off of, then I'm making rent. I make pretty good rent. And it's not affecting my life. I mean, other than an awkward. I then I have to, so be it. I haven't, I've never done a video strike. I've never asked anyone to take anything down. And there are some really horrible things out there.

And you just got to go, I know, I know. Yeah. I know. No, I know, man. I totally get what you're saying. I really do. It's just, you know, all you can do in that situation, I think, is just keep living the way you want to live and care about, like, what your family and friends think are you. Like, that's really good. Yeah. And by the way, I also, I create every day and I take things on stage and I have a very lucrative career and I'm a very happy life. I mean, I really do. If you keep that shit out of your lane, it's like, look, I guess there's people that like, I guess there's a teacher at a middle school that all the kids call him gay behind his back. And, you know, and he's got to deal with that.

Everyone's got their fucking thing. And the more famous you get, the bigger they get, and you got to fucking deal with it. And if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. Look, if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. That's it. And I'm still here, I can deal with it. There you go. And, you know, to put things in perspective, I guess the Pope has cancer.

What? That's what I just heard. The American Pope has cancer? I know. What a bummer, man. We got an American there. Are you fucking kidding? What's the details on this?

Is it like he's got lung cancer? And he successfully underwent surgery to remove a malignant tumor. Oh, okay. Well, he's recovering in the hospital. All the best prayers up to the Pope. That's, I didn't know that. Well, I'll be praying for Monday. Yeah.

What's his name? Pope Frank or something? Pope Leap. Pope Leo, yeah. Leo, yeah. Pope Leo. From Chicago, he's a White Sox fan, right? He is.

He's a White Sox fan. I'll be in Chicago, November 6th and 7th at the Chicago Theater. I'll be doing a moment of silence for our Pope. I love to go to church. Nothing, I'm just fucking around. I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th. Oh, nice. Okay.

Right after she turned 54? Yep 54 best shape of my life I'm a fucking I got up this morning ran three miles lifted weights no one in the gym with me

I just fucking destroyed and then I took some awesome pictures of me yeah and then one of the maintenance guys saw me taking a picture of myself and he just laughed he did he laughed

were you doing like elevator door opened and I was standing I'll show you the fucking picture Tom I was standing with my phone like this and it was good It was good lighting on my arm.

It was really good lighting on my arm. And yeah, look at the picture. This is the picture. And the maintenance guy saw that. And the maintenance guy saw me doing that. And he was, and the door, the elevator door just opened and I'm right there doing it. And he went, ha ha, ha, ha. And then the door is just closed and I went, fuck.

Yeah. It was great lighting on my arm. I'll post it. he's like man i just saw this fucking 62 year old guy taking a photo of himself in the mirror can i tell you what 62 my ass i fucking i bet he was like god damn and i wish i was young again can i tell you what i've been doing tom which i fucking love i've been doing adventure runs adventure runs adventure runs what's an adventure run so what i do is i pick landmarks in a city that i want to see and then i jog to them

And now I've been doing it on the road with my, with the crew, I make everyone, I kind of started realizing, I talked about this. I did, I did one of those videos where a guy walks by you on the road and then goes, hey, can I ask you what you do for a living? Yeah. I've always wanted to do one. And then I did one. And I was like, oh, I wish I had answered differently. Oh, yeah, I know this guy. I've seen these before.

Yeah. It caught me off guard. I was buying, I was buying James Perth shirts in the village. You were on your way. Were you in like, that was in, you were Soho? I was in no. No, in the West Village. In the West Village?

In the West Village? Okay. Yeah. I was going to buy a leather carry-on bag to put a pillow in for Europe. And there's a James Purse store. I was like, I'm going to grab some shirts and a track suit to fly in.

And I ran into this guy. And he just caught me off guard, and I did not do it right. I mean, I did it right. I did it right. But I wish I had a second shot at it. Let's see. Let's see.

You're just walking down the street? Yeah. Excuse me. I love the outfit. What do you? I love the outfit? I love the outfit. Yeah.

My name is Colin. What do you do for living? A comedian. Really? Yeah. What's your name? My name's Bert Kreischer. Burke.

Oh, nice. What's your favorite part of your job? My favorite part about my job? Yeah. Comedian doesn't cover it all. I got a podcast. I got a vodka. I got a TV show.

I got a tour. Yeah. I got a 5K. I got a cruise. Really? Yeah, well, you can't just be a comedian these things. This job has changed. But my favorite part about being a comedian, without a doubt, is the moment right before you figure out a

joke. The time you haven't figured out quite yet, but you know the next time you're on stage, you've got it. You have no idea what you're talking about. No, no, no. I feel like, what do you feel like you're missing your life right now? I feel like when people hear, like, comedia. I wish I'd never said this. I felt so, I feel

so vulnerable from saying this. Because I was just thinking about this, I was talking to Leanne about this. Let's see, let's see. You're catching me at the right time. I'm in a lot of therapy right now. Okay. Friends. Yeah. Friends. Why is that?

You know, you get so focused on work, and at a certain point it's all family, and then you go out on tour, and you don't have a regular life where it's like 5 o'clock and everyone goes, it meets for drinks, or, you know, let's go see a movie, or you want to go for a bike ride, or we're training for a triathlon. You're on tour, in a tour bus, with people you pay and other comics. How are you doing? Thank you, man. Thank you. Oh, well, you're someone. Who are you? Yeah.

I'm a comedian. Yeah, I perform shirtless. So, yeah, so I think, you know, that's what my wife and I are working on expanding our friends. I have a lot of like, I have a lot of chat groups, you know, like text groups that we all keep in touch with. But comedians were like lone wolves. We all go off in our different directions and then, you know, see each other sometimes at the club. But friends, friends is the most important thing. I guess let me ask you one more question.

How do you want to be remembered? Oh, that's a big one for you. No, I wish I fucked it up. Fucked it up. Listen, if I get remembered at all, that's all that matters. Wow. If I got remembered at all, if anyone ever. remembers me and goes like, God damn,

that Bert was a good time. I did my job. I did my job. I fucked it up, Tom. I have different answers. I have different answers. I feel like the real burn answer to that question is like, how do I want to be remembered?

I went through 50,000 people at my funeral, and I want them to talk about how amazing I was. Tom. Tom. Tom. I would say, I want to be remembered the way they remembered. Franz Ferdinand's son's wedding. They celebrated for one month

and they drank until the fucking fields were dry. It's called October Fest. Have you seen footage like Kim Jong-il's funeral procession? Like that's what I want. Yes. I want people fake crying because they're afraid there's a camera on them and they'll be hunted

down by the fucking state police. That's it. I, this is the answers I wish I had said. Also, just like the way that these internet interview, like it's so funny, that somebody says to you. He goes, oh, he goes, you're someone, who are you? It's like, you're in the middle of the interview, man.

Like you already asked him. Who are you? It's, I wish I had said, what do you do for a living? I just would have said comedian dropped it there. Comedy, dropped it there. I would never said anything else. What's your favorite part of your job? I would have been funny.

I would have said having an assistant, making money, standing ovations, buying watches, flying private. I would have made a joke about it. This is very endearing, Burrink. This is very endearing. Okay. Yeah, this is a good interview. What is life missing?

I would have said, I don't know. I just, like, I caught me off guard and then everyone's texting me like, I'll be your friend. And I'm like, and I'm like, and I'm like, and then friends texting me like, dude, are we, are we cool? And I'm like, God. I think it's a good, I think that's a really good interview. I think it seems like very sincere. It seemed like a very sincere clip. You ever see Chris DeStefano one time?

Yeah, I've seen that. He's like, I'm a gay man, just being gay. He goes, what do you do for a living? I pound ass. Yeah, he's like, okay. He's also, this guy is like, clearly he's from another part of the world. And he has no frame of reference, I think, for even like, I've seen him stop, like, well-known actors. And he's like, what do you do? What's your name? And they're like, I'm J-Lo. He's like, what do you feel?

Yeah, Willem Defoe. And then he's like, which favorite part of your name? job and they're like uh it's just like it's it's kind of endearing that he doesn't know but it's also like he seems like way off on some of these things too yeah i who are you right what people know you you're someone yeah what the fuck man i would fucking uh i i i want to celebrate chris de stephano for a second yeah he is my he might be my favorite human being alive nice he he did he did an episode with rachel ray for something's burning And you know, it's so funny is like, she wanted to be with a comic.

And I know comics so well, and I know certain types of comics. And I feel like I'm pretty well versed in comics, you know, like how they interact with people. And I said to myself, I need someone who's a little like myself. Yeah. Who will want Rachel to like him. So like, because if Rachel, I say, you know, and I would say this to Rachel, but, you know, Rachel's a very busy woman. But there's two types of Rachel you can get.

You can get a packed Rachel with a packed schedule where she has five minutes and she'll give you 15. But it's like, let's go. Let's make this happen. And then you get the Rachel sometimes that is like, you got me for the day. And we got the Rachel that was there for the day. And she was very, she was like, we opened a bottle of white wine. But like, she didn't know Chris.

And Chris DeStefano is so charming, so charming. And Rachel, when she came in, you know, he's a comic, so he's making jokes and, you know, she's like, doesn't know how to take it. Within one hour, I swear to God, Tom, she invited him and his wife to her house in Tuscany. Chris D'Stefano is so fucking incredible. I'm not surprised. He is the, you're right, he's the most charming and also genuinely funny guy. Like, I laugh every time. We message each other about 10 times a week.

and it's mostly, I'll just be honest, it's mostly homosexual content, and we do a lot of role playing. But that guy makes me laugh. So every clip that I see of him either on stage or doing a podcast, I watch, because like he just, he always makes me smile, if not laugh, so hard.

I think he, we, I was with Janus, and I was like, who do you think could start a cult, like, for real? And he was like, oh, people would follow Chris. I was like, yeah, you're right. would they would follow him. Yeah. Dude, and I got to also, because I'm going to say a compliment, I'm going to backhand a compliment and then finish a compliment.

Because my option was maybe Mark Norman. And I was like, Mark is not, and I love Mark and he's very charming, but there's a part of Mark that the joke is always more important than everything else. Yeah, yeah. And so I was like, I can't bring Mark and Rachel together because he's going to like, he'll be like, if he starts losing, he'll start punching. And I was like, okay. And then Mark said, I said, but I want to do it.

I love Mark. So I was like, let's do an episode. And he said, I want to do it with Keith Robinson. And I'm going to be honest. For a second, I was like, you know, Keith's had four strokes. I'm not sure that's going to be the best conversation. Dude, it was incredible. It was, and Mark was so wise because he goes, I want to do it with Keith.

Keith is like, he's going to be great. And Keith was funny. And he was insightful. And I forgot, Keith's been doing. up since 1985. Damn. He has seen everything. He has seen everyone.

He knows everyone. He knows everything. I mean, I was, it was such a great fucking episode. That's definitely not Keith Robinson. Well, no, there's Keith is on there too. That is Keith. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, there's just two Keats sometimes. Oh, yeah, there's a couple of Keith Robinson. Yeah. And then I did one with the basement yard. And the basement yard, Tom, is I'll say this and no one will

everyone will be like they're much more they're much safer than us like they definitely don't say crazy shit that needs the camera off them

and then bleeped out to get it said to make each other laugh like they're safer but they are young and they're not comics so everything they say

is just to make each other laugh and they love each other and it reminded me so much I've been listening to their episode it reminded me so much of when we were in the pandemic and we started this and we weren't doing stand-up and we were just burning any material on the podcast. Yeah, yeah.

And by the way, we didn't have anyone to talk to. So it was just me and you showing up once a week and that was the one person you got to see in person. And they were a great episode, but then I tried to get, you like, you try to get, they're not getting in trouble. Like they're not going to say anything that can be clipped out and then, you know, fuck with their lives. Sure, sure.

That's cool. I wish I had less of that. I wish I fucking, what is wrong with me? That like I say things that I go, that out of context I look like a fucking idiot, but I'm doing it to make everyone laugh. I'm fucking, I gotta stop. I'm just gonna.

No, you're good. You do what you do, man. You do it well. I think you should keep doing what you do. I think you should push forward, no matter what people say, you know, and you can listen when you find a moment that you go,

I'm going to be introspective. And if you think there's validity to what someone is saying, whether it's from the outside or close to you, you examine that. But I think you're on a good path, man. I feel really good. I've been working out every day. I've been sick, but I've been working out and I've been working hard.

And I've got a crazy run ahead of me. Yeah, you do. Make sure you take, get your rest, bro. Get some rest. Oh, last thing. Have you seen the Zuckerberg Guinness video? You're the first person I thought of. No.

Just keep your eyes on Zuck the whole time. Watch. have a, he's going to have, um, I was actually talking about this at dinner yesterday. My favorite thing is I have my muse, uh, whose name is Euler, uh, constantly source, increasingly obscure teas from increasingly, what the fuck did he just do? Wait, play that, hang on, he definitely doesn't like that. He was like, what does it? Play that again. It's like he sucked a cock and had to swallow. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Look out. And then he's like, shut. What? That's his, that's, that's got. That's, that's got.

It's got to be his first Guinness. It has to be. It's got to be the first time he's ever had it. And he's, he doesn't want to, he's like, this people like this. He's, he's also, I think this is not new. He's socially awkward, right? So, socially uncomfortable as shit. I will tell you, I don't think so. No? So, no, I met him. We were at a UFC fight, and he came up and he said hi to me. And I was like, I couldn't believe he knew who I was. But then I was like, I guess he's probably on. social media a lot. I must have come through his feed. Yeah. And I asked him about the watch he was wearing and he was very casual, very fun. It was me, him, Theo Vaughn, and Andrew Tate, and we all were just chit-chatting about like little things. No, I'm kidding. No, but he was very, he was very casual and very cool. I introduced him to Leanne and he, yeah, he was, and so. What was the watch? It must have been insane, right? Oh, it was a million-dollar watch.

Yeah. It was a million dollar watch on his wrist. And by the way, I didn't care for it. Oh, you didn't. It's one of the kinds you like where there's a lot of complications to it, and it doesn't sparkle. Got it. It's got a leather band, and I'm like, what are we? Can't shower in that fucking thing.

What are we doing? Yeah. No, I got you. You got something you can shower in, Tom. What you got there? What is it? I don't even know. I just threw it on.

I don't even know. It's a skydweller. Skydweller. That's nice, bro. Yeah. I'm going to London, and they rob you for watches over there. So I got to be fucking, I got to be slick. Be slick.

By the time this airs, you won't even know I was in London. You'll never even know I was in fucking London. I'll be like, I'll be like that goddamn, there we go. That was me and Zuckerberg. So what fight was that? That was, do you remember who fought that right? I don't remember. I don't remember.

That's awesome. That's awesome, dude. That's so cool. That is cool, dude. I'm happy for you. Look at that. You realize, like, everyone would be like, oh yeah, that's when Burtman, like, no one's going to doubt that.

No one's doubting that that's not me. No, it's cool. Your hair looks good. My hair, that's all I look at is my hair looks pretty fucking good. And you're like, it's totally a bert expression. God damn. You look good, man. All right, well, we got to, we got to wrap this up.

You got to do a bunch of stuff. I got to get out of here. This was fun. I love you. This was a great fucking episode. I love you, too. Stay safe. Keep your watching your bag

We'll see you guys next week We're talking Tom Tom and Bert One goes top The swall the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories And Bert's the machine

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