2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Shannon Sharpe Won't Like This Bracket | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

When you register for the 2Bears 5K at www.2bears5k.com, you can also get tickets to the bears’ comedy shows at the Forum on May 9th and May 11th for $25 each. Tickets are available at bertbertbert.com and tomsegura.com. If you bought tickets to either Forum show BEFORE 3/25, get 10% off your registration with your Ticketmaster confirmation code. SPONSORS: Visit http://Kettleandfire.com/BEARS and for a limited time use code: BEARS to save 25% off your entire order. Head to http://policygenius.com/BEARS to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Visit https://NetSuite.com/bears now through April fifteenth, NetSuite is offering a one-of-a-kind flexible financing program. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave it's March Madness and Tom has a very special tournament bracket for Bert! Without giving it away it involves some man-love and some male celebrities. Tom also shares a story about running into Matt Damon in a men's restroom that ended with him going to his birthday dinner and Bert tells a story about some of the most memorable experiences he's had at live music concerts. Bert and Tom also discuss a solid birthday gift idea and dive into some performances courtesy of the Tiny Desk Concert series, before closing out with an AI art surprise. Bust some brackets ya'll! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 229 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guys, it is now officially ready to roll. The Two Bears 5k. It is happening and you can register right now if you go to TwoBears5k.com. It's going down May 7th. We have a lot of friends coming, a lot of celebrities. Jelly Roll, Shane Gillis, Tim Dillon, Mark Norman, Cam Haynes, Michelle Wolf. I'm forgetting names. Stavi's gonna be there. They're all gonna be there. They're gonna be at the Netflix the Joke Festival They'll probably be on our 5k a big race and then a party. We've got a DJ It's gonna be a fuck go register right now to bears 5k comm So like if you're laying in a bed and you get to pick one dude to come and stand at the foot of your bed Naked. Yeah, is it Leo or Shannon sharp? It's Shannon sharp. Oh Yeah, just and it's gonna dump inside of you, don't forget that. Blowin' loads and I'm gonna hold it in.

Oh, fuck. I'm gonna hold it in as long as I can. I'm gonna hold it in. 100%. This episode of Two Bears One Cave is sponsored by Kettle and Fire Bone Broth, made with all organic ingredients and bones from 100% grass-fed

cows and free-range chicken. Kettle and Fire Bone Broth is available at almost any grocery store in the country. It is the cleanest and highest quality bone broth on the market, and it's great for fasting support. For a limited time, you can save 25% off your entire order when you go to kettleandfire.com slash bears and use the code bears at checkout That's kettle and fire.com slash bears with code bears at checkout for 25 percent off your entire order We are back. You're back in town. Welcome back to Austin. It's so nice to be in Austin. I fucking love this town

It's such a great town. I would hate to sell if not everyone lived here. Your arms look great. Thank you. Jeez. Yeah. Look at that. You know, Tom. I see it, I see it.

I wonder how many people, I wonder how many people, you ever think how many people, what percentage you'd fuck? What percentage of the population? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's smaller, right? Like you don't wanna fuck everybody, do you?

I think my number's probably pretty high. Really? Yeah, but I'm like a rescue dog kinda guy. So like I think there's people I'd have sex with that go, ah, let's just do it. And they'll enjoy it. But then I wonder, I would love to know how many people would, I think we should start,

we should start Raya accounts to see who we could fuck. It would be cool to see what kind of Attention you could get let's do it like Okay, let's get let's start Raya accounts. You think the spouses are gonna be cool with this. Okay. Tell them. Oh, yeah Oh, and we'll start Raya accounts for our wives Let's see how they do and just see what they could pull. I bet they could pull I bet they'd be a lot nicer to us when they check their Raya in DMs. Like 53, swipe, swipe.

And then they look it up, 51. We should probably just call our agents or something. Be like, hey, can you just set this up? OK. You know what I mean? Can you set this up? Raya is the one for high end people, right? Yeah, that's the, you got to be accepted in it. Oh, for real? Yeah, you don't just sign up. How do you get a Raya's the one for like high end people, right? Yeah, that's the, that's the like, you gotta be accepted in it.

And it's like- Oh, for real? Yeah, you have to, you don't just sign up. How do you get a Raya account? I think you have to get referred or approved. Do you think you'd be married if you could have swipe fucked people? What?

Like if, like I'm looking at guys like right now. Right. Like let's use, let's use, who's a single dude? Who's a single comic we know? I mean, I think we know a bunch. I don't know any. Sam Rell. Yeah.

I think he's single. Okay. He's not married. He's not married. He's like 40. Something like that. He's never gonna get married because he can swipe fuck people.

He can just get on his phone. But he's not like a, he's not a. He's not a pussy hound. He likes relationships. He likes, yeah. Okay, who's a pussy hound we know? Let's name top five pussy hound comics who are good pussy hounds.

I'll tell you a good pussy hound. A guy that's like super sensitive, very woke. You know him! Nick Thune. Oh, God. He hooks up with fucking beautiful women. You really want to put that out there? No, but he's not a pussy hound, every chick he's with is like an artist or a poet

and they have cool tattoos and they have interesting shirts and shoes. And he's done very well. God, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He might be over pussy. You know when those guys like, they fuck so much. Shout out to Nick F me for being over pussy

Yeah, that's like you know what he is. He's the he's the billionaire who wears t-shirt and flip-flops He's like you know I already did all that stuff. He's in an art. He's in an art exhibit this week. He does art I actually thought one of the paintings in your conference room was one of his art. Oh really yeah He's an artist like art now. He'd still does stand up He's a brilliant stand-up. Yeah, he had a great joke. I just saw online. I'm a Nick. I'm gonna steal your joke It was online. It's not really a joke. It's online. Okay. It's online. It's online. He goes I don't understand allergies. I'm not even gonna do the joke. Okay, I'm gonna fuck it up and then you are like that I can already tell yeah, I'm not gonna fucking by the way, I am very healthy and I drink bone broth.

Yeah, well I can drink it too. They both gave us a glass. That's true. This is the best way, you know what's so funny? I feel like a gentleman when I drink bone broth. I love it, in the mornings it's like my treat. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like to eat before I work out.

I don't know the science about eating before working out, but I do know that if I eat, I'm burping the whole time. If somebody didn't, I just realized, if somebody didn't know anything about us or this show, and somebody just gave them two minute clips to listen to of 25 episodes, they would for sure be like, oh, these are fitness gurus? Like, we talk about this

All the time like my workout my workout and then if somebody sees us they'd be like wait what? Those are the fucking guys talking about their workouts Are we posers No, we're talking about things that we like. I don't even know the research on bone broth. I just know that when I drink it, I don't feel hungry anymore. Yeah. Dude, I'm so into broths that like,

if we go to California Chicken Cafe. I gotta tell you, I like when you threw a little kick in it too. Yeah, I like to step them up. I love getting the, we get the boxes from, I think it's Fire and Kettle. Kettle and Fire. We get the boxes. That's what this is. And kettle. Kettle and fire. We get the boxes.

That's what this is. I'll put them in, and then I'll put them in a pan, and I'll throw bones, I save bones in my freezer. I'll throw bones in there, and I'll let it cook all night long. I let it cook until I get ready to go to sleep, and then I turn it off, and then, by the way, I'm not a doctor, don't do what I do.

I doctor it up, I put lots of garlic in. Like, cloves of garlic. Really? I love garlic, I put lots of garlic in, like cloves of garlic. Really? I love garlic, I put cloves of garlic, I put a jalapeno, or like a red pepper, chili pepper, and I just let it cook all night long. I like that. I like kicking up, I like, I have a salt to it too.

Was it chili flakes that were in the last one? Chili flakes last time. That's good. Do we have chili flakes? Let me check. Ooh, let's put some hot sauce in here. Or something, right? Get Dustin Poirier's hot sauce.

Come on, any hot sauce is the best. The, it's funny, the stuff I don't really know, like I'm on this thing, BBPC 159. 157? That's it. Yeah. How did you know what I'm on? Because BPC 157 is a very well-known peptide

for like tissue repair. Oh really? Yeah. Huh. I haven't used it in a couple days because you gotta keep it refrigerated. You're supposed to keep it refrigerated. Yeah.

But I'm on that, I don't even know what it does but I shoot it every night before I go to bed. I really, I mean, like when I got, I was excited to get vaccinated. Like I didn't even know, I didn't do any of the math. You got excited? I got excited, I was like, get me Vax, baby. Yeah. I didn't do any of the math. You got excited? I got excited. I was like, get me Vax, baby.

Yeah. I didn't do any of the math. I didn't do any research. Any side effects? I don't know, maybe. When you were- Sometimes I drool out of this side of my mouth. Since the Vax?

That's a stroke. Nah. Nah. No, I noticed that my smile's not quite as straight since the Vax. That's fine. Look, can you tell one lip's not quite as straight since the back. That's fine. Look, can you tell one lip's lower? Let me see.

That's your smile? Sometimes I get on a Zoom and I forget that they can see me and I end up going. Do you just look at yourself? I bet you look at yourself the whole time. Oh, I've done this where I look at my nose and go, that's so crazy, I have a deviated septum in the middle of a fucking zoom.

In the middle of a fucking zoom, I can't help it. No, I don't do any of the research, I just listen to whatever I catch, like Cold Plunge, I do it every day, I don't know what it does. I know I feel better, I sauna, I just, I catch stuff on the internet and then I go, yeah, I'll put that in my life.

I've done some crazy stuff, like my happiness journal was a crazy thing. And when I started doing a happiness journal, I was like, I just saw Rob Deere do it. I got a journal. I got to get into that. I want to try that. Really?

Yeah. Your own journal? Never. You should. It helps for me with writing. It's something about, I can't type, but when I write pen to paper, my brain thinks as fast as my fingers move.

And so I'm going slow. Can I tell you the most brilliant thing I thought of? Dustin Poirier's hot sauce is fucking awesome. It's a lot. Thank you, Kug. This is Sriracha, pass. No. I'm going a little bit of Louisiana.

Okay. Hot sauce. Let's see. That was aggressive. Here we go. Stir it with my reading glasses. Dustin Poirier's like, that's not the advertisement I wanted. No.

What are you thinking? Oh, whoa. Oh, wow, that's great. Yeah? Oh, that's great. Ooh. Yeah. That's great.

That's really good. That's what you need. Little kick. So, you think you would have sex with a lot of the population? Yes. But you know what's boring is just to talk about the chicks. How about the guys that you would have sex with a lot of the population. Yes. But you know what's boring is just to talk about the chicks.

How about the guys that you would, if you were gay? You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't, you know, I don't see men, and I guess I'm old school, but I don't see men like sexually unless they're famous. Like when a guy walks on a plane, I'll see things that are cool.

Like Nick Thune's cool. Like I'll notice cool shoes. Like there was a guy at the airport yesterday. Cool style. Cool style. I'll see guys trying too hard and that'll turn me off. Yeah, that's a real, and you see it at the airport like the most.

Airport you see like, you're like, look what you did for the flight, bro. Like Jesus Christ. I see brothers sometimes. Like if I see a black dude, dark black dude. Oh, I thought you meant two siblings. No, no, no. A dark black dude with yellow gold on.

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, that guy's got swag. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I think, I'm not gonna even say, cause I know that black guys don't find gay shit super fucking hilarious. But like, there's a couple black celebrities

where I'm like, yeah, he could get me. Oh yeah? Yeah. Who, like who? Killacam. I'm just saying, he's just cool. He's got all that pink on, and next thing you know, you're like, eh.

Yeah, I'm sure. He would not find that funny at all. I don't think this will click. No, I don't think. This won't play on his podcast. He's like, what if Mace was like, killa, would you fuck Bergkreiser? He's like, yo, what?

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I'm meeting Shaq next week. Really, where at? I'm doing his podcast. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm such a fan of Shaq's. I would not have such a fan of Shaq's. No, you shouldn't. No.

Don't tell him that either. I'm not even gonna bring it up. No, I don't. You can't even bring up gay shit with brothers. Like they just don't, they don't play that way. No. Like we play that way. Yeah. I love it. I love gay shit. Speaking of basketball they just don't, they don't play that way. No. Like we play that way. Yeah.

I love it. I love gay shit. Speaking of basketball, we have a bracket for you. Oh, please tell me we're gonna name NBA people we would fuck. I think it's just. I don't even know enough people in the NBA that I'd fuck real quick.

Top five NBA guys I would have sex with. Anthony Davis. Really? I just saw him play the other night. LeBron, obviously. Steph Curry, I'd be the top. Well, those are like also great stories. You know what I mean?

Like when you're hanging out, you're like, you know who I just fucked? Steph Curry. People are like, get out of here, really? And then you're like, yeah, the next day, I had sex with LeBron. It was fucking wild, 48 hours. Yeah. The Greek dude, Yannis.

Yeah, yeah. I'd have sex with him. Cool. I feel bad, I'm only having sex with black dudes. And it's also superstars, like you're such a fucking. Yeah, I should get some bench riders. Yeah, you're a social climber, it's ridiculous. Who would we fuck?

Okay, let's do, wait, oh, we have a bracket? Yeah, it's a bracket. Oh, shut the fuck up. March Madness, baby. Oh, oh wow, wait, oh, we have a bracket? Yeah, there's a bracket. Oh, shut the fuck up. March Madness, baby. Oh, oh wow, okay, okay. Fuck yeah, so we're gonna find the most fuckable celebrity right now. Okay, so right now, the first-

The most fuckable male celebrity. Are you ready? I am so fucking ready for that. Okay, first- I'm not even looking at the list. First- I'm putting a fucking Lucy in. I'm putting two Luc's in and drinking fucking,

come on baby. Let's get this going. All right, Josh Hartnett, really good looking. Lucky number Slevin. Or like rookie Tom Brady, not Tom Brady now. Right now he's like super, you know, like he's so well put together. It's like he's just got drafted from Michigan.

He's kind of sloppy. I know my answer. I'm gonna have to defend it. Okay. I feel like Tom Brady didn't always have to defend it. Okay. I feel like Tom Brady didn't always have this goat mentality. So if we're talking about having sex with the rookie Tom Brady,

I feel like there's a lot of thirstiness in that. Well yeah, and also like he's got potential, but you'd have to really see it in him. I don't think I have that eye. But Josh Hartnett, you don't have to have the eye. No, but I had that eye for Josh Hartnett. When Josh Hartnett was a young actor, I was like, this guy's gonna be fucking huge.

And for whatever reason, he never turned into our Tom Cruise, you know? But in the movie Lucky Number Slevin, I love Josh Hartnett. He's very handsome. He's gorgeous. And a great actor. He's a great actor.

What was the last movie he was in? I just saw him in a movie recently. He was in that movie, it was like a spy thing where he plays a great actor. What was the last movie he was in? I just saw him in a movie recently. He was in that movie, it was like a spy thing where he plays a superstar actor. That's what I just saw him in. Operation Fortune, yeah, Rue de Guerre. Rue de Guerre. Wait, do real quick, go to his IMDB.

I wanna see, I just saw him in a movie the other day and I was like, he was an Oppenheimer. Oh, oh, oh. He was an Oppenheimer. All right, my oh, oh. He was an Oppenheimer. All right, my answer, Josh Hartnett. All right, so that bracket is settled. Josh Hartnett over Tom Brady. All right, here's one for you.

And this is really good. I don't even want you to look. So here you have to balance kind of your eye. So like, are you just about hooking up? Or does the, who the man is influence you? Oh wow. Okay? Channing Tatum.

Oh. Which is a total hottie. Yeah. Or Winston Churchill. Oh fuck. Right? Oh fuck, well Channing Tatum and I grew up like probably five miles from each other.

Yeah. So I would have so much in common. You would and you know that like in bed like his body's gonna be great. We'd have great workouts. Here's my relationship with me and Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum. We wake up, he makes a joke about Tampa.

And then he goes, yeah, I was like, order on Del Mayberry this morning. I was like, yeah. And then he's like, you got morning wood? Right, like, look at mine. And yeah, you guys kinda. And then we fuck, and then And then he's like, you got morning wood? Right? I was like, yeah. Like, look at mine. And like, yeah, you guys kind of. And then we fuck, and then we go to the gym, we work out, probably get smoothies.

We drive around in the car, we go shopping together. We come home, we take naps. He wakes up, we do a second workout. I mean, my lifestyle is so healthy with Channing Tatum. Now think about waking up with Winston. Oh, it's so great. Soft scotch, cigar in bed, two cigars. In bed. I'm going to Winston Churchill, there's so great soft scotch cigar in bed to cigar There's no fucking way soft scotch cigar breakfast in bed lay in bed for three hours

Let's be honest. Okay, this is then this is true for life. Yeah, this is true for men and women There's a million Channing Tatum There's only one Winston Churchill. You know what I mean? You said that. I should be on a fucking t-shirt. Sorry, and I don't mean that as disrespect to Channing. You are a special talent. I have already picked Josh Hartnett. There's a million Channing Tatums and there's one Winston Churchill.

I think Channing Tatum probably doesn't know who Winston Churchill is. Yeah. He's probably like, why would he pick him? Yeah, what's he look like? When he sees him, he's gonna be like, what the fuck? He doesn't even have abs. Can he dance him? Yeah, what's he look like? When he sees him, he's gonna be like, what the fuck? He doesn't even have abs.

Can he dance? I can, ugh. And then I'm like, you're missing it. But here's the thing, do you want a fun night or you want like a fun life? I want to be sitting with someone at the end of the night in rocking chairs overlooking a meadow with a scotch or a whiskey,

and another cigar, and I want to hear him telling me about the world and really enlightening me. The conversation with Churchill is gonna be... The problem with Gandhi is that he was a savage. You can never change a savage. There you go. And you're like, Wee, he walked to the ocean to make salt. Whose voice is that? Winston Churchill. Oh you go. And you're like, ah, wee, he walked to the ocean to make salt.

Whose voice is that? Winston Churchill. Okay. And then you, and then this is my impression of me on, at the end of the night with Channing Tatum. Gandhi? Is he a DJ?

Oh, I saw DJ Gandhi. I was a stage coach. That's cool, man., yeah he's badass. Hey, take a look at my abs. And you'd be like, they look great. Sleep them with Winston Churchill, I'm so sorry Channing. He'll get over it. All right, next one.

Ooh, DK Metcalf. He's really out of my league. So I'm already leaning towards him, he's really out of my league. Or Hugh Jackman. Who's by the way, so talented. Fuck me. Right? Fuck me, because you know Hugh Jackman's there

for the long haul. He's totally a loyal. He's not just gonna fuck, DK is gonna get tired of me. He will get tired of me. I will exhaust him. Hugh Jackman will make love to me. And then him and I will be connected forever.

And think about this too. Like when you're kind of dozing off, Hugh Jackman's gonna sing to you. Oh, that's right. He's got a little... He's got a little. He's got all the talent. He can dance, he can sing, he can act. He also loves to work out. Okay, so hang on. So they'll both broaden my horizons.

DK Metcalf's a very smart dude who's on the side learning ASL. That's what he's doing for fun. So he's already out there. But I can't keep up with DK Metcalf because he's gonna be like, yo, there's this new art exhibit. It's out in Seattle.

We're gonna drive out. Do you wanna see it? I'm like, I'm not really into art. He's like, come on man, you'd appreciate it. And then we go there and it's just like a can of Pepsi with a piece of shit on it, and he's like, isn't that cool? And then I go, I don't get it. And he's like, no, you gotta look deeper.

Hugh Jackman would take me to an art exhibit and he'd be like, I don't really get it either. Should we go home and fuck? I think you're right. I'm going, Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman, there it is. Out of fucking doubt, Hugh Jackman. DK McCaff, I'm so sorry I would not have sex with you.

Okay, next we have both Kelsey brothers. Oh wow, hold on, hold on. Or Ben Affleck. That's a really, really tough one. That's so difficult. So first of all, you're basically airtight with the Kelsey Bros, right?

Like, you're just a fucking spank. Right, they're just. Leaky submarine, just in the mouth and the ass. And there's a lot, by the way, there's a lot of power behind these threats. Oh wow. I'm going to be fucking taking a fucking rest day. It's my Monday. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to need that cold plunge. I think so. I always wanted to be, I have a brother.

So I think fucking both the Kelsey brothers would, you'd be a part of the family and you'd get all the inside jokes and you'd, and all the sudden you'd be welcomed in to them. And you could hang out with, I mean, okay, well they gotta get rid of their wives. Yeah, yeah, leave their families. Taylor and Kelsey are gone. Or Jason's wife are gone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so. No, it's just you three. But I know, but I gotta be honest with you. Yeah. Their chicks kinda make them. They're kinda great, they're kinda great. And here's the other thing. Their chicks, like, it them. They're kind of great. They're kind of great. And here's the other thing.

They're chicks. It's like Jason's a great guy. But when you meet his wife, you're like, oh, he's a fucking solid dude. Everybody that talks about being in these throuples, it's like, it's really tough to be enough for two people. You're always going to be dealing with like, Jason's be like, oh, I guess you spent the night

with Travis last night. You know what I mean? And then you're like, dude, I guess you spent the night with Travis last night, you know what I mean? And then you're like, dude, I fucking love you. I might be enough for a throuple. You think so? I might be the perfect guy for a throuple because I'm a lot. You are a lot.

I might have total throuple energy. But then the question is, been a fleck? But then the question is, been a fleck? Oh, brooding. Cigarette, Dunkin' Donuts. Always, he's got the same scrolling thing I have where he's like, God man, I'm fucking, I wanna get down tonight.

And then I could get a loose. But he's sober. No, not with me. Okay. Not with me. And he's just left JLo again. He just left JLo, he's lost, he's confused. He's got a house in the hills.

We bump into each other at Runyon Canyon. And he's like, hey, I saw the thing that you and the other guy did with the brackets. Is that real? And I go, huh? And he goes, would you for real? And I go, yeah, I said it. And he go, hey, come hang out with me tonight.

I'm off the wagon, I'm partying, I got my shit under control. And I'm like, okay. He's like, hey, don't bring your chick. Just me and you. You're like, yeah, of course. And then the other pitch is, me. He's like, hey, don't bring your chick. Just me and you. You're like, yeah, of course. And then the other pitch is me and you are at an event and the Kelsey brothers walk up shoulder to shoulder with me

and they're like, hey, we saw the thing you did with Tom. Is that real? Can we take turns on you? And I go, fuck. I'm going Ben Affleck. I'm going Ben Affleck. I'm going Ben Affleck. The athletes are, they're too used to

just getting what they want. And yeah, and that's the other thing is they would fucking do things to me that I go no, and they'd be like shut up. Shut the fuck up. Just fuck his mouth. Yeah. Fuck his mouth, Jason.

I think about you like truly not being like someone overpowering you. Shut the fuck up, you know, and they just hold you down and you're like. That's Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, okay. It's fucking. You're like, ugh. That's Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, okay. It's fucking Ben Affleck. God damn it's Ben Affleck.

Wow, these keep getting better. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm going for another Lucy. Yeah, you're gonna need it. Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh! Or Shannon Sharp. Ha ha ha.

Club Shae Shae or Leo Okay So You know one of my dreams is get to Leo to do Arnie for me Really? Oh, yeah, I can climb Gilbert Yeah, yeah, and I would if I was dating him he would definitely do Arnie for me. Really? Oh yeah. I can climb, Gilbert. Yeah, yeah. And if I was dating him,

he would definitely do Arnie for me. He would do it for you. All the time. Yeah. All the time. Shannice Sharp though, he's flying private everywhere he goes. It's cool.

We could wear matching outfits. Yeah. With man bags. You go to all these events, you get access, I mean you get access with either one, but like he's actually going to sporting events which you like. And if you're talking body, just touching another man's body, I would want to touch Shani Sharp's body so bad. You even fucking hate that sentence so much. I guess I'm never doing club shay-shay.

I don't think so. By the way, a lot of people are saying he's gay right now, so he's probably like, hey, can we please stop this? Yeah, yeah. Can we please stop this? Yeah. Just to feel Shannon Sharpe's nipple. Look at him, look at him here.

He's 55. Or 56. Look at that fucking body. Jesus Christ, bro. That's a specimen, man. So like, if you're laying in a bed and you get to pick one dude to come and stand at the foot of your bed naked, is it Leo or Shannon Sharp? It's Shannon Sharp. Naked with that fucking hog.

And it's gonna dump inside of you. Don't forget that. I'm definitely letting Kenneth Sharp to come inside me. Blow in loads and I'm going to hold it in. I'm going to hold it in as long as I can. After years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by overpriced wireless providers, if we've learned anything is that there's always a catch. So when I heard that for a limited time, all mint mobile wireless plans are $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan I thought what's the catch? But after talking to them it all made sense. There isn't one. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless service online. They cut

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McDonald's exclude a guilty McMuffin participating Donald's in Canada prices exclude delivery I'm so sorry Shannon sharp. I bet I get kicked off Shaq's podcast now I'm supposed to do 85 South. I hope this comes out after Why don't why don't black guys find this funny? I don't understand it. Okay. It's so much fun. All right.

I'm going Leo. No, you are? I'm going Leo. I can't, I gotta respect all my black friends and say that I would not have sex with Shani Sharpe. Okay. I would have sex with Leonardo DiCaprio. And we'd do fun shit, we'd wear our masks out in public

so no one could recognize us. And by the way, here's a guy, don't forget, he's been living this life of really no responsibility except where do you wanna go for fucking 30, 40 years now. Oh, and it's like being friends with Richie Rich. You get up and he's like, you wanna take the golf cart down to Sunset?

You're like, you can ride golf carts on the street? He's like, we can do whatever we want. Like you get up and he's like, hey, you wanna take the golf cart down to Sunset? You're like, you can ride golf carts on the street. He's like, we can do whatever we want. And he just drives and you're like, hey. And you know he'd bring women in every now and then into the bed with you. You're like, hey, let's just. He'd be like, you want a chick tonight? And you're like, I guess.

He's like, yeah, let's get McDonald's and fuck a chick. You're like, okay. Pretty cool. I'm Ronald Leos, sorry Shannon. All right, Odell Beckham Jr. or Young Johnny Depp? It's almost the same debate, it really is as the last one. It is, and I don't wanna seem like, I don't think I've picked a black guy yet.

You have not. And that makes me suspect. Yeah, you still have another chance coming up. When you're talking about Young Johnny Depp. Who have not? And that makes me suspect. Yeah. You still have another chance coming up. When you're talking about young Johnny Depp. I know. That was like as good as it gets. And you're talking about young Johnny Depp who's figuring out how to be old Johnny Depp.

So I get all the fun Johnny Depp. I get the learning how to play guitar Johnny Depp. I get the fucking trash hotel. What was that sentence? Learn how to play guitar? What did I say? Oh, I thought you said learning how to play guitar Johnny Depp. I get the fucking trash hotel. What was that sentence? Learning how to play guitar? Learn how to play guitar, what was I saying? I thought you said learning how to play the tar. No, learning how to play guitar.

Okay. And I get trashing hotel rooms Johnny Depp. I get getting into wine Johnny Depp. Yeah, smoking so much. Smoking cigarettes but no cough Johnny Depp. Yeah. I get full head of hair, fucking sloppy in the morning Johnny deaths over learning how to buy bracelets

You know how to accessorize his outfits Versus Odell Beckham jr. Full of swag full of style. Yeah, very cool. Very cool But also fun, dude, I think has like I'm sure he can't get hard unless someone's eating his ass like he's had oh, yeah But I can't I can't sit with a dude who can't get it up for me, right? Oh, like I know that there'd be times he'd be looking at my body big. No, no, no, hang on I need to just be pumping his cock and I feel like I'd be like, oh don't just is that the end you got The ball with he's a gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Can you just can you just can we lower the lights? Yeah, I'm going Johnny Depp.

Young Johnny Depp. Wow. Which, as a guy who's only picked whites, is an interesting lead into the next category. Yes. John Stamos. Ooh. Or Hitler.

But wait, think about it though. Wait, young Hitler? Like World War I Hitler? No, but like things haven't really turned yet. You know, like he's, he just got in the power. So you got a big idea Hitler. You got big ideas and he's not yet labeled as bad as he is. Okay, or John Stamos. Yeah, John Stamos. and he's not yet labeled as bad as he is.

You know? Okay, or John Stamos. Yeah, John Stamos. Right now John Stamos? Yeah, right now. Right now John Stamos? Yeah. Very handsome and charming, but again, think about, you're like,

man, you're gonna run this whole country, what are you gonna do? You know, like, he's like, I have ideas, and you're like, no, that's cool, I have ideas too. Can I take you to the Zabonka? Yeah. I want to show you the Zabonka. It's like, lots of potential.

Maybe you could write history. You think I could fuck him out of racism? Maybe. First time he brings it up, you're like, it's not them. It's, yeah, everyone's created equal. I know that things are bad right now. But what about us? We're being homosexuals right now.

Yeah. And he'll be like, it's okay. It's okay. It's cool, man, are you coming? I'm coming. And he's like, I still have not had an erection. Can I tell you some secret? I'm not Jewish too.

There you go. And I'd be like. And then he'd be like, now you have to die. I can't pick Hitler. Yeah, I understand. And I'm not picking you John Stamos because I can't pick Hitler. I'm picking you John Stamos

because you're a well-rounded kid from Orange County who just wants to make people happy. And you're gorgeous. That's really nice. I'm picking John Stamos over Hitler. And Stamos gets to watch this and be like, that's cool that I got chosen over Hitler. I bet I get a text.

You should have picked Hitler. All right. And here, oh, this one, this is really, this is right up your alley. Brad Pitt. Oh, God, damn it your alley. Brad Pitt. Oh God damn it. Or. Or.

Killer Cam. Man. Man. I'm about to ruin a relationship. Yeah. It's a tough one, huh? Just a quick reminder, there are not yet any people of color on your

list. All right so let's break it down. If we're talking about a lover I can have a great dinner with. Yeah. I don't think Brad Pitt and I live adjacent lives. No. I think he eats clean, he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke weed anymore. I think he has a, he'll have a cocktail, a glass of wine. No. No?

Sober, sober. He is? I didn't know. Like square sober. Okay. And so, so like it would be cool to be with Brad Pitt at Eddie V's. Like if Rogan's at a table over there, he'd be like, oh, what's up, you're with Brad Pitt,

what's up, how you doing? And then he'd be like, you know Joe Rogan? I'd go, yeah, you want to introduce him? And he'd be like, no, I'm cool. That would be nice, you know? But if you're talking about, we're talking about, are we just talking fucking, are we thinking about possibly being a life partner with this person?

I guess it's however you want to interpret it. I'm looking at these as long haul like relationships. Got you. Without a doubt, my final pick. Yeah. Kill a Cam. Wow. I pick Kill a Cam over Brad Pitt.

I hope you appreciate that Cam Ron and I hope you find this with love, and you can pause, take it all in. Pause. But I would take Kill a Cam as a lover over Brad Pitt. I bet there's a hell fucking gnaw going on right now. No, I bet. Why, this would be a great pit for Kill a Cam and Mace to do.

Mace and Cam, do the same list. They're gonna be like, who the fuck's Josh Hartnett? Winston Churchill. All right, now but now it gets interesting. Oh, we're going second round? Yeah, you gotta make your picks. Oh, this is the most fuckable person. This is for you, yeah.

Okay, okay, let's go. All right, we'll do it a little faster. Hartnett or Churchill? Okay, and once again, it goes to, I think I could be a part of Josh Heartnet's second coming. Yeah. Pause. I think together we could both be bigger things and I think it would be fun to grow with someone,

but at the same time, you're telling me I get to fucking have sex and wake up every morning with Winston Churchill? Yeah. And now I gotta suck his dick too. You do have to sometimes. And so I've gotta look over that belly and be like, oh. But here's the thing, at this point, you're loving the guy too. It's not just like, oh this is the body.

How much sex do you think me and Winston Churchill would have? Not that, not like, I think like twice a month tops How much sex do you think me and Winston Churchill would have? I think like twice a month tops. Twice a month tops? Tops. And Josh Hartnett, we would fuck a lot. Probably all the time, yeah. But you know.

I think I want to be someone's boy. Yeah. Going Winston Churchill over Josh Hartnett. Wow. That's an incredible choice. And we move along to next up. Oh, this is like very similar-ish types, but like it's really about lifestyle that you wanna live.

Hugh Jackman or Ben Affleck? Oh, fuck me. Once again, Hugh Jackman's not, he's a ride or die. He's there for the long haul. I think so. Ben Affleck's gonna get tired of me. I'm gonna exhaust him and I'm gonna trigger him back into his alcoholism Yeah, and it's gonna be bad and then people will blame me

They will and Gwyneth Paltrow and and all those girls are gonna start blaming me They'll be like very fucking good. Hugh Jackman Hugh Jackman Next up Leonardo DiCaprio or young Johnny Depp. They're almost not tell them apart. This is almost Yeah fucking oh Shit yeah, I mean that's Hollywood elite You can almost not tell them apart in a way. This is almost fucking, oh shit. Yeah, I mean that's Hollywood elite. Very easy. Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp.

And wow, this is an interesting battle. Do you want the traditionally handsome John Stamos, who you know is a good time, puts a smile on your face? Not Hitler. He's not Hitler? He's not Hitler. He probably makes breakfast. John Stamos or?

Killer Cam. Killer Cam. Killer Cam, without a doubt. Killer Cam, I hate to say this buddy, you might be going to the finals. Oh shit. All right, and now we're in the quarterfinals. Okay, quarterfinals.

Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Oh fuck, they both have accents. Yeah. They're both older gentlemen, both they're boys. Yeah. Winston Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Winston Churchill or Hugh Jackman? Without a doubt, I'm going Hugh Jackman.

We're going surfing in the mornings. Wow, I gotta tell you, that surprised everybody. We're going surfing in the mornings, we're gonna do activities, we're gonna have sex. He's much more active. Great dinners, he's gonna show me stuff I don't know. He's more noble than I am and I will spend more time with him. Winston Churchill's gonna die soon. I will spend more time with him. Okay, uh, young Johnny Depp or Kill a Cam? Fuck! I know, I know. Now even Kill a Cam's like, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one.

Kill a Cam or Young Johnny Depp? I've got a guy with amazing stories and a guy with amazing stories. Yeah. I'm sorry to do this. Yeah. And I still am a huge fucking fan. Yeah.

I'm going Johnny Depp. Young Yeah. I'm going Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. I think you saved the potential relationship here. Oh fuck, oh my god, so here, okay. Now it's the finals. It's the finals, dude. Who are you gonna choose?

I can't believe, I can't believe that in my final running, I don't have great names like Winston Churchill, Ben Affleck. Yeah. I don't have great fucking names. Josh Hartnett. Yeah. Leo, Shannon Sharp, they're all out of the finals. I'm so shocked that they didn't make it to the finals.

This is like. My final choice is either Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman. I want you as a listener right now, very quickly, who would you get into a relationship with? Sexual relationship. And it's young Johnny Depp.

And it's young Johnny Depp. Young Johnny Depp. We're riding motorcycles, we're going to the Viper Room. Yeah. We're going to the Viper Room and we're hanging out late night. All the time. Anthony Kiedis is there.

Yeah. Flea, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, fucking Keith Richards shows up. Slash comesis is there. Yeah. Flea, the red hot chili peppers. Fucking Keith Richards shows up. Slash comes over. Yeah, it's. Or we're making sourdough bread. Yeah. It's like what lifestyle do you wanna live?

Have you ever seen the Philadelphia story? And I'm like, what? He's like, come on, it's a great movie. It's in black and white. And I'm like, oh, it's a black and white movie. He's like, you'll really like it. Oh, I just read this great book about Truman Capote. You should read it.

Or Johnny Depp smoking cigarettes, fucking. You're up till 5 a.m. I just got this script, The Pirates of the Caribbean. What do you think? Ladies and gentlemen, I, Burt Kreischer, would like to be in a homosexual relationship with Johnny Depp. Wow. With Johnny Depp. Without a fucking doubt. We are lifestyle adjacent. We are both from Florida. We are

big fucking lovers of life. We spend money recklessly. We are victims. We've been victimized by women. Yeah. And we have found each other in love in a homosexual relationship. We get each other. I thought it was going to be this time in your life, kind of more of a Hugh Jackman sendoff. I was a little surprised that you went for young Johnny Depp. I'm shocked Hugh Jackman got as far as he did. Wow. Yeah.

I'm shocked if you had said Bert who top five guys are you gonna fuck? Oh, easy, Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Kill a Cam. Killer, yeah. And Shane Sharp. Shane Sharp, yeah. But if you said to me, did you know that Hugh Jackman will make it to the finals?

He just caught me off guard, he's a sleeper. He's a sleeper. He's a sleeper, that's why people love him. That's why he's a movie star. The only thing that I will tell you this, you chose who you chose, and that's who you're in a relationship with now. I feel like the Hugh Jackman one,

you guys would die in each other's arms, and I feel like Johnny Depp is gonna leave you. He won't leave me. He won't leave me, I'll always be a part of his life. We may not be as close, we may see other people, but we'll always be together. Hugh Jackman, you're right, he would be, he would be the one in hospice, coming in next to me going, how we doing today?

God damn it, I'm sorry Hugh Jackman. I would love to still have sex with you, it's just I don't wanna be in a relationship. Wow. Yeah, it's Johnny Depp, I'm sorry, and I know you've probably heard that in casting rooms, like Johnny Depp's the obvious choice. Hugh Jackman's a little jaded by this. I bet he's, I hope someone shows it to him.

Just casually show this to him. Yeah, just let him. Just someone go, hey, have you seen that clip that the two guys, Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura did? And he's like, I don't know who they are. I'm not sure if that's his accent. It's pretty close, it's pretty close. I'm like, wait, they want to fuck me?

All right. Prata. Yeah. Johnny Depp's going to get this and go, oh, that's what I thought. Yeah. I knew it. Kid still got it. Rolls one up.

Rolls one up with one hand. Yeah. And he goes, just so you know, this can happen. Yeah. You guys would be an amazing couple. We would, dude. We would have so much fucking fun. We really would have fun as friends.

Like if you had to do friends out of this list, who do you think, just go run down the list. Who do you think you'd be best friends with? Okay. And you can't say fucking Brad Pitt. Okay. Just, okay ready, I'm gonna name them off. You tell me who you think you'd be better friends with.

Real quick, real quick, ready? Hot Night or Brady? Brady. Brady. Okay. Churchill or Channing Tatum? Tatum would be easier for me. Okay, DK or Hugh? DK.

Okay, you're picking all the opposite ones I picked. Okay. Leo or Shannon Sharp, friends? Leo or Shannon, friends? Leo. Okay, really? Yeah. I think you and Shannon Sharp would have so much in common. Really?

Yeah, cause he knows sports, he loves sports. All right, Johnny Depp or Odell Beckham Jr. Johnny Depp, I'm not gonna let you pick Odell Beckham Jr. Okay. Hitler, Stamos. Stamos. You have so much in common. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, I own those teacups. Kill a Cam and Brad Pitt. Well, I mean. Friends. Come on. Hold on. those teacups. Killacam and Brad Pitt. Well, I mean. Friends. Come on. Hold on. You're telling me if you had an opportunity,

if you got a phone call and the phone call was the exact same thing said by the exact same person, by the same two people. Tom, it's Killah. Tom, it's Brad. Listen, man, I'm in a weird place in my life and I'm reaching out to people that I like and I wanna just spend more time with.

Yeah. I've got a trip out to Italy, Enzo Ferrari's old house and his villa. We're gonna spend the night and drive Ferraris tomorrow. I would love for you to come. Just me and you hang out, nothing weird, just be friends. You're gonna pick to do that with Brad Pitt over Kill a Cam?

No, I'm not saying that. It's like, hitting them against each other is like, it feels like. Dude, Cam's the guy. Cam would be a lot of fun. He'd be so much fucking fun. Yeah, he'd be the most fun. And you'd laugh so hard.

That's true. With Brad Pitt, I'm not certain you'd laugh. No, you'd have a good time. You'd have a good time. You'd have fun, but with Cam, it would be like a whole other level. It would be a whole other level. Brad Pitt's got it.

He's been famous for too long. He's gotta measure himself. Yeah. Cam's loose. Yeah. Okay. Okay, so out of that list of guys you just picked, just go real quick.

Who could be your best friend? I'm gonna name them. You picked Heartnet. I didn't, I picked Brady. You picked Brady, Tat picked. Yeah. Just go real quick, who could be your best friend? I'm gonna name them. You picked Heartnet. I didn't, I picked Brady. You picked Brady, Tatum. DK. DK. I can't read.

We didn't even do that bracket. I can't read it. That's Kelsey Bros or Ben, we didn't even do that. No, Kelsey Bros would be your best friend. For sure. Out of all those, those are the guys. Yeah. That's who you'd end up being friends with.

That's who you'd be friends with. Yeah. So guys, I'm putting you in the the guys. Yeah. That's who you're gonna be friends with. That's who you'd be friends with. Yeah. So guys, I'm putting you in the friend zone. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, Kelsey Brothers. Bert's not gonna fuck either of you. That's right.

I chose Ben Affleck over the Kelsey Brothers. That's right. Ben Affleck would be a cool friend. He would be a cool friend. I just think he's so deep. Like I think there's a part of him that really like, he's really fucking smart. I've seen so many clips of him talking about

like a sobriety number one, but talking about his life and I just really like Ben Affleck. I saw him one time masked up and that's when the first time I was like, oh, the masks don't hide your identity at all. No. I was like- Oh, you saw him in person masked up?

Yeah, yeah, in person and wearing the mask and I was like, oh, that's Ben Affleck. It's just like, you would think that like you're, you know, anonymous and it's like, it's immediate. You're like, that's Ben Affleck. If you had to be a better friend, if you had to pick a friend, Matt Damon or Ben Affleck, who would you be friends with?

If you had to pick a friend? Yeah. Jesus. Matt's a little more stable, I think. Yeah. I think you land on your feet at the end of every day with Matt. I think with Ben, there's some mornings where you wake up on your back like,

what the fuck did we do last night? Matt'll text you back. Yeah, you're more of a Ben Affleck guy. I'm definitely a Ben Affleck guy. And you are definitely a Matt Damon guy. Like you and Matt Damon would have a lot in common. I went to his 40th birthday party. Isn't that crazy?

Matt Damon's 40th? No, you didn't. I swear to God. Why? It was so random. You don't know this? Uh-uh. So I was doing the improv on Melrose,

and I get off stage, and I go to the bathroom, and as I'm peeing, I swear I've told you this story before, as I'm peeing, there's a guy standing behind me, like eight feet away, and he goes, thank you. And I was like, for what? And I keep peeing and he's like, for what you just did for putting on that, like thank you for that. And I was like, oh, and it was Matt Damon.

So I'm like- For your standup. Yeah, I did a set. It was just like a 15 minute set. Yeah. And I was like, oh. I go, well, that's a weird way to just be like, thank you. I just joked about it. And he's like, no, no, you're right.

You're right. He goes, no, that was great. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. Appreciate it. Wash my hands, go out into the parking lot, and there, he's there, and so is Tom Papa, who... Oh, they were in a movie together. And they're friends.

So then Tom Papa is like, oh, you know, kind of keeps the conversation going, blah, blah, blah. And then he's like, well, hey, I'm having my birthday dinner. You want to come? And I was like, where? And it's like directly across the street. Oh, that restaurant across the street. It's a great restaurant.

So I was like, where? And it's like directly across the street. Oh, that restaurant across the street. It's a great restaurant. So I was like, OK, sure. So I go across the street, and it's Matt, his wife, John Krasinski, Emily Blunt. What? Yeah, a couple other notable people. And then me. I'm just like. And this is 275, Tom.

Yeah, big boy. And then, you know, and then me. And I'm just like. And this is 275, Tom. Yeah, big boy. Just, and then, you know, and Matt's so nice. That's like, watch me. Hey, more Calamari for the big guy. Watch, this is great. No, but he's so nice that he's introduced me to people who have absolutely no fucking idea who I am. And he's like, he goes, he just fucking destroyed the improv.

And I was just like, oh, and then they would go, cool. That's it? Well, what are they supposed to say? They're like, oh, that's cool. Oh they would go cool. That's it? Well, what are they supposed to say? They're like, oh, that's cool. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, we're at Matt's birthday dinner. Who the fuck are you? Yeah.

And so yeah, I mean, you know, we just, whatever. We had dinner, everybody was super nice. I tapped out early. Really? Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, yeah, I got another spot over the store. Yeah, I gotta get out of here.

What's Emily Krasinski like? Or Emily Krakow, what's her name? Blunt. Yeah, what's Emily Blunt like? They were all super sweet. I heard she over the store. I gotta get out of here. What's Emily Krasinski like? Or Emily Krakow, what's her name? Blunt? Yeah, what's Emily Blunt like? They were all super sweet. I heard she's the motherfucker. I heard she is the coolest person in Hollywood. I mean, it was a dinner.

They were all very nice. I've heard secret time stories about Emily Blunt. I've heard secret time stories, I can't divulge where I heard, where she goes to big celebrities and makes them human really to everyone like she goes in Totally unfazed by the whole fucking which is pretty famous. No, but even at the time. I don't I mean she's famous She's not like famous famous. Is she? Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah, she's I thought only I knew who she was Emily blunt She's married to John Krasinski. I know but like John Krasinski is

Emily Blunt. She's married to John Krasinski. I know but like John Krasinski is But famous but he's not like she met. Okay. I mean this would love I hope they hear this with love He's like a regular guy actor. Like he's not like uh, he's I know he's like he does big things and he's been in big things But he's also like an approachable actor. He's not like he's not like Johnny Depp, right? Right, you could walk up to him. I get what you're saying. If I saw him, I'd go, oh, what's up, dude? Yeah. Like, okay, but like, there's, maybe it's because he was in the last generation of sitcom that I find him approachable.

Totally. You know, but like, she married a regular guy. Gotcha. Dax Shepard's a regular fucking guy. Right. Yes, he is a celebrity, but in the world of celebrity, he's also a bro. Approachable. Approachable, and but in the world of celebrity, he's also a bro. Approachable.

Approachable, and there are actors that are not, Leo's not a bro. He's not approachable. But I hear Emily Blunt goes to- Matt's approachable. Matt Damon's approachable? I think so. Really?

I do think so. I think he's very regular guy energy, especially in person, like when in person, you go, that's Matt Damon but you realize that he's very down-to-earth yes is he is he the kind of guy that wears cool hats or just a hat because he needs a hat just whatever I fucking hate those people yeah that's such a weird look at my hats part of my outfit no I think he's just throwing one on he just goes it's like you're like oh

you play golf and he's like I don't even know what hat this is yeah yeah fuck yeah he's cool he's cool he's very like play golf and he's like I don't even know what hat this is. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, he's cool He's cool. He's very like for real cool Goddamnit. I don't have anything like that. I saw Chris Robinson the from black crows Yeah, and I made a fool out of myself. Yeah, of course you did tell me oh So where was it? So Dan Tanna's. Uh-huh and I was with a guy named Chris Did you make did you make that a big deal, you're both named Chris?

Worse than that. Oh God. I was with a guy named Chris. I know that he's friends with Chris Porter and his name happens to be Chris Robinson. Your friend's name? Chris Robinson's name happens to be Chris Robinson but I'm also with a Chris

and I know that he's good friends with Chris Porter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I walk up to him and I go Hey, man Huge fan. I know Chris Now I have so many Chris's in my head right now and he goes really Chris who and I went Chris Robinson And he was like, I'm Chris. I was like no Chris. Hold on It's comedian he goes

Chris that's a comedian and I went god damn it your friends with him and he went I Chris Porter No, what that's him and he went, you know Chris Porter and I was like, yeah, he was like cool and I was like cool I just walked away. I Get I get it was so bad. It was so bad. I should call Whitney when he posted it It was so bad posted she posted it. She recorded me. Hey Siri call Whitney Cummings. It was so bad God damn it. You sir you fucking dirty whore. Do you ever type? No, I can't see You have glasses right there. I know Okay, it was so bad

It here's the worst part. Are you face-signing her? Yeah face-signing her. Here's the worst part. Yeah, I Couldn't stop it and Whitney saw me not be able to stop it. She saw me go, it's happening. She's like, what? I go, there's Chris Robinson, I'm gonna go say hi. And she goes, don't. And I went, no, it's already started.

And I couldn't, Tom, my feet were already walking, and she was like, what are you doing? And I just fucking, she's not answering, she does have a child. I went to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, by the way. Such an epic fucking band. Was it? Oh yeah, well of course.

Such an epic fucking band. At the forum, I'm at the forum May 11th, for Netflix is a Joke, I'm the only comedian that's gonna be there the whole week. That's not true. There's a couple other ones. I'll be there May 9th. There's a bunch of tax evasion. May 9th for Netflix to joke I'm the only comedian that's gonna be there the whole week That's not true. There's either a couple other ones I'll be there may 9th a bunch of tax evasion may 9th may 9th Tom will also be at the forum But that's the only tickets you can get now They're all the ones are already there they they capped it and they're not selling any more tickets for the Tom Brady roast or the wit

The Tony Hinchcliffe yeah, none of it party or the fucking Shane Gillis fucking free-for-all. Yeah Bud Lightfest none of those things They're all captive. They said bottom bowl only only Tom and Burke at the Seoul Top Bowl, okay? May 11th go to Netflix is a joke calm got you. Oh, hold on. I'm not done. What? 5k oh 5k by May. Oh, we should announce that The 5k is going down. It's gonna be- In Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. May 7th. Tuesday, May 7th. Go to 2bears5k.com. The number two, the word bears, 5k.com. 2bears5k.com. And we will have, we should have, and I'm gonna put this out there,

and I know that we're still working on it. We should have, for those of you who can't come out to Los Angeles that week to see me and Tom perform at the forum on separate nights and run the 5K. Make a week of it. Make a fucking week of it. Treat yourself to a fucking week. Yes.

Pour yourself a glass of poro sauce. I will say this though too. If you are thinking about doing the 5K and you're gonna sign up, you should sign up immediately because they're gonna actually have to cap how many people we can have. Yes. So, and we've got huge celebrities coming out. Yes.

Jelly Roll is going to be there. Shane Gillis is running it. Tim Dillon. Stavvy. Kamra Haynes. Michelle Wolf. Michelle Wolf. Mark Norman.

Yes. Big Jay. Everyone's going to, there's every comic's gonna be there. We're gonna have a fucking blast. We're gonna have a big party afterwards, lots of boos. Tom and I are at the forum that week. We will also have an online component. So if you wanna run this at home with us,

you gotta do it with us. I think we're gonna have a live stream. Hopefully we can put it up on Netflix. You gotta get up early, May 7th. Yeah, May 7th, you gotta get there and you can do it on the treadmill and we'll get you a shirt. You can sign up online. There will be an online component because like I said, when we started this, we wanted this to be a communal thing.

We love seeing your posts about you running. Both Tom and I are running to try to make sure that, uh, I don't know, by the way, I was told by the, because we've teamed up with Spartan race to, to help promote this, to help do this, because they know how to make and run a race. And I said to Spartan Race, I'm gonna run it in 26 minutes. That's your time you're going for?

Every minute over, I'm gonna donate $1,000 to a charity. And they said, that is a horrific idea because people will be tackling you to make you donate money. Oh, I don't think you have to worry about the tackling. And so I was like, yeah, I don't want people stopping me. No, they're not.

I don't want to take pictures. So we don't know if we're gonna do the charity event. But that's your goal time? My goal time is 26 minutes. Okay. Yeah, it's eight minutes and 30 seconds a mile. But didn't you say that you- I'm having a hard time getting there.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm having a really hard time getting there. Especially, I just hurt my back doing the 24.1. But wait Wasn't aren't you running like a nine and a half minute mile right now? Yeah, yeah But that's even is that your sustained pace eight minutes and 30 seconds is my sustained pace for the 5k No, no, what are you capable? Like what are you right now? Yeah nine minutes. You're running nine minutes No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Florida State Regatta. There's a lot of things my daughters go, this is another bird story. I told them about heliskiing in Switzerland and they were like, okay dad, you got on a helicopter, sure.

I was like, that's not the most unbelievable part of the story, you fucking idiots. So, but yes, 5K by May. Okay. It's happening. And your goal is eight and a half minute miles. Eight and a half minute miles. Okay.

I'm gonna be fucking slick by then. Okay. Dude, I got perfect blood work. I heard. I can't stop bringing it up. I know. Can I tell you a little sidebar, and I didn't mention this last episode,

and this is what's crazy, and I wanna put this out. Have you ever had a post that does well, and you kinda go back to Instagram and check, and go, oh wow, it's at a million views, that's really cool, and you get this feeling of accomplishment that you created a product that the people are responding to. Sure.

I had that feeling when I got good blood work. I wanted to post about it. I wanted to text people that I got good blood work. But then I was like, I think you're just supposed to be healthy. I wanted to share it, so I was so happy. You're proud of it. I was proud, I really put in a lot of work.

Guys, if you don't have a cardiologist, get a cardiologist right now. I'm gonna have my cardiologist on my podcast to talk about it because I really it's it is totally avoidable Having a stroke or a heart attack is totally avoidable. You can get in front of it. You can get on medications You can have someone monitor you you can get on a dietary program lifestyle choices lifestyle choices And yeah, listen if I'm sitting here drinking bone broth and drinking liquid death By the way, my other thing is I murder. If I drink, I murder four liquid deaths right before I go to bed.

You do? Murder them. Murder them. And I feel like a million bucks the next day. Sure. 5K, Two Bears, 5k.com, Tuesday, May 7th in Los Angeles. We will announce the location soon. It's gonna be awesome. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome.

We're gonna have a fucking blast. Location meaning specifically, we're looking at two places. We're looking the location soon. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be awesome. We're gonna have a fucking blast. Location meaning specifically we're looking at two places. We're looking at two places. One I really want, the second one would be cool as fucking shit. By the time you see this, it'll probably be on the website. It'll already be announced that we're doing it at the Rose Bowl.

So, Pfft. So, keep that in. So, wait, so I go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Now as a guy who lives in Los Angeles and didn't forsake his city for tax breaks, I really got to feel a quintessential LA band playing in LA for LA people.

Like when they play California Cation, like you really, like it was the coolest fucking thing. Gets even cooler, right? So, I hit up the people at the forum, they took care of the tickets, me and my daughter, one of her friends and Leanne. Her daughter, my eyeless friend does not know that I'm a comedian, does not know anything.

We just prefaced it like we're gonna take a separate entrance. Before the show with Kevin Kline, you remember Kevin Kline? Kevin Kline does K-Rock now, and we've known Kevin Kline, you remember Kevin Kline? Yeah. Kevin Kline does K-Rock now. Yeah. But we've known Kevin Kline for fucking 22 years.

Yeah. A good long time friend, long time friend, followed him down to San Diego, like when he was up in North California. Yeah, yeah. I've done his show forever. I see him and I get so excited that a guy I know is on stage bringing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And I start to record him on, in front of my seat. I'm like, shit, it's Kevin K on stage bringing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And I start to record him from my seat. I'm like, shit, it's Kevin Kline, right? It's my friend. A guy I really know. And then he says, before I bring up the Red Hot Chili Peppers, ladies and gentlemen, the machine is in the building. Bert Kreischer, where are you?

Place goes fucking nuts. I get chill bumps like crazy. I'm like, shut the fuck up, that's me. I was like, he knows you? I'm like, I fucking really know him. And I stand up, I rip my shirt up like this, just lift it up, and place goes nuts. Now not everyone's in there, but the place goes nuts.

Like people on the floor, lights are totally up, so people see me. It's really fun, really fun. So then Red Hot Chili Peppers goes on. And you know this is my energy. I'm a Jumbotron motherfucker. I went to those fucking Rams games just to get on the Jumbotron.

I swear to God, I'm just to get on the Jumbotron. I swear to God, I'm an old school 1980s kid, getting on the Jumbotron was a big fucking deal. They do their whole set, encore, hop off stage, everyone's cheering, waiting for them to come back, come on, yes, yes, right? And the fucking Jumbotron cuts to me in a pure moment of joy like this high as fuck

Fucking three drinks in smile ear to ear. I see myself on the jumbotron whom right find my camera whom Stand up shirt off place goes fucking bananas now I have been in arenas and taking my shirt off. This was different This was like seeing a hard dick in a locker room. Like everyone's like shut the fuck up It was so fucking awesome such a crazy that when I sat down I was shaking and I thought to myself if you had told me in 1986 when I first got the fucking mother's milk album and and I listened to upload party mofo whatever the fucking their first if you had told I listened to Uplift Party MoFo, whatever the fucking, their first,

if you had told me as a fucking sophomore in high school that I would be at a show at 50 with my kid and my wife, and the camera would cut to me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I would be the like, whom I fucking, it was like life goal accomplished, I am done, and then they came out with their shirts off, I don't think it was because of me, but they came out, shirts off, fucking jacked,

Flea walked out on his hands, the best fucking show I've seen live. And then real quick, I know we gotta wrap this up, but we ended up doing this last night, me and Leanne did this last night, and I wanna put this to you, okay? It was an amazing concert, It was an amazing concert. Best performer you ever saw live in a concert.

Best performer you ever saw live. I'll start so that you have time to think. Okay. 1998, I go to see, now mind you, I also told a story about when me and you did a podcast and I told you I saw Smashing Pumpkins open for Nirvana, and I couldn't tell you if it was real. And we talked about the whole idea,

is that real and does it matter if it's real? If you believe it, does it matter if it has to be real? It's an old podcast clip, you gotta go find it. The point was we called my friend and it turns out I did see Smashing Pumpkins open for Nirvana. That's not the best performance I've ever seen. Hands down, best performance I've ever seen. 1998, Giant Stadium.

A dude opens for Dave Matthews, and I'm kind of familiar. I know he's got a hit song and he's got a new album out, but I'm kind of familiar. They're not selling beer at Giant Stadium. For whatever reason, there was no alcohol served, and I didn't know that. I am stone sober, and this dude runs out on stage and down a ramp, slides out on his feet down the ramp and

Bangs out his album Odell a it was fucking Beck the best show I've ever seen live Beck without a doubt He performed for a half full giant stadium and it was like though They were there to see him and I was blown away, hands down, stone sober, one of the best performers I've ever seen. So I put the question to you. Jesus. Well, I'm trying to think of like,

holy shit, like that performance, you know? Cause like, I'm going through like the Rolodex of like who I saw, like over the, like, you know, I remember seeing like Arrested Development, you remember that? Like that show was, I saw that show in 1993. And then I remember seeing, I saw Pearl Jam, I saw Aretha Franklin.

I'm gonna see Pearl Jam in like two weeks. It's a good show. Aretha Franklin I saw at a smaller venue. And then I'm trying to think like recently, who did I see that was like, I remember I saw the show, dude I told you that Peter Gabriel show was the most mind blowing show I've ever seen. Because he's like a big visual art jam.

So like you're looking at the stage and there's just like actual art exhibits that move to the music. And every single one is a new setup. So that was like an incredible show. actual art exhibits that move to the music. And every single one is a new setup. So that was like an incredible show. But it has to be like a fucking band. The dudes that opened for Red Hot Chili Peppers,

the name of the band is called Alex Sucks. And they come out and I had this moment where I couldn't tell if the lead singer was too much brand in front of art. I couldn't tell if it was like too much of a look. And so I'm with Isla and I go on his Instagram and I hit his Instagram and I realize this dude's the real fucking deal.

And by the end of his fucking set, I was in love with him. I was in love with him, I followed him, I DM'd him. I was like, dude, you're the fucking shit. Ed Sheeran was an incredible performer. Oh my God, you saw Ed Sheeran? Yeah, I saw him live, that was incredible. He's fucking incredible. You know who also was an incredible performer. Oh my God, you saw Ed Sheeran? Yeah, I saw him live. That was incredible. He is fucking incredible.

You know who also was a great performer too, was Chris Robinson, seeing them in concert. I saw Black Crows. I saw Black Crows once. They were great, he was great. I don't know, I guess there's not the one that stands out the way you described the back one, but I do think that that Ed Sheeran like performance

is an incredible performance. The, one of the coolest. Unexpected too, cause I didn't go into it like, oh I'm going to like, this is somebody I regularly, so it surprised me. Yeah, oh I gotta say that you too at the Sphere was the one of the coolest things I've ever done in my entire life.

But that's, the event is more, the coolest thing that I've ever gotten privileged enough to do, like, and this is like a celebrity thing, was when we, I think I'm sure I told you this, when we went to see Dead Ahead. I saw DMX. You saw DMX? Yeah, that was fucking crazy.

Wait, DMX and like delivered top to bottom, shirt off, sweat and hitting an ass inhaler? Fucking chain link fence around his neck and like, yeah, crazy performance. Where was it? Charlotte, yeah. When, how Where was it? Charlotte, yeah. When, how old? It was 1999 or 2000, it was him,

it was Method Man, Red Man, and Jay-Z. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is this the fucking tour they did up in Smoke's tour? No, Hard Knock Life Tour. A Hard Knock Life Tour? Yeah, yeah, I was at night one. You saw, you went to the Hard Knock Life Tour? And I saw Method Man like fly over the crowd

and someone snatched his chain. Snatched it right off of him. Wait, Method Man, Red Man, DMX, Jay-Z, this was like- Opening night. This is- Yeah, that was crazy. And an arena, I think it was the first time that hip hop was doing an arena tour.

I saw that documentary. I watched the documentary and thought, how amazing would that have showed to have been at? Yeah that was pretty crazy and DMX was fucking wild because you met the man a red man it was like yeah it's cool like you're playing the thing that you're like and they you know this is the knock on hip-hop show sometimes is that like a verse of your the song you want to hear and then the DJ just like flips it to another beat and they do the other and you're like that's it they just do like one verse and they move on.

But DMX put on a show. Yeah. Hey, can you pull up a picture? They have to have pictures of that show. Charlotte. Hard Knock Life Tour. Hard Knock Life Tour. Yeah.

Cause this, I don't think enough people realize what an absolute performer DMX was. Charlotte. Yeah. Wow. This is when the throwback jerseys were in. Oh yeah. This is the jersey time. Jay-Z's got the big leather jacket. Yeah 1999 dude. I bet Meek Mill was there. There it is. February 27th, 99. Hard Knock Life Tour kicked off in Charlotte. Yeah we went to that shit. God damn it. that is, what was the audience like? Was it predominantly black? Yeah, probably majority black, but you know,

not like 99%. It was like, it was- I always wonder about those hip hop shows, if it's a hard ticket to sell, because I guess technically you want to sell to all your fans, but I wonder if there's fans that are like, yeah, I'm not going to go to the Naughty By Nature show.

I don't know, man. I mean- I've never been to a hip hop show. Really? Never been to a hip hop concert. Yeah, that show was, I mean it's Charlotte too, so yeah, it was pretty black, but it was, you know, mixed. One of the coolest experiences I ever had.

And I would like to do this more. If I had like unlimited funds, I would do this like for my friends and family. But when we went to Mexico to the Dead Ahead concert, they said to us, hey, would you like to see Goose perform, their acoustic band, Rebolo, would you like to see them perform at the hotel? I was like, what?

And they're like, they're gonna do like a little pop-up show for us. It was me and like 25 people, And they're like, they're going to do like a little pop-up show for us. It was me and like 25 people. And they were like, you grab a seat. And so I just grabbed a seat from here to there, just sat right in front of them. And they started playing and I started sobbing, crying. And I was like crying. And the lead singer, Rick's like, Hey, what's up with your sunglasses? I had sunglasses on inside. And I was like, I'm fucking crying asshole. And he was like, Oh, this is awkward. But that fucking, that was one of the cooler things

I've ever done and I would like to do that. If you could do that for one artist, okay, you ready? Oh, oh, oh, can I tell you a great surprise, great surprise gift for Christina? What? You ready? Yeah. God damn it, I'm fucking good at this. You should get Frank Black and the Pixies

to play Acoustic at her birthday party. I've thought about booking them before. That would be cracking. Have you ever seen them sing on Tiny Desk? It's the best. I didn't see the Tiny Desk, I've seen other folks. We can edit this out, or we can play it, or we can do whatever, just play it. Can playing can you put in tiny desk blue and green?

Tiny desk blue and green. I think that's it Yeah, okay. Okay green and blues tom. Just put your headsets on. This is frank. This is okay This would be christina's birthday present. Okay, imagine how hard she'd be sobbing crying. Okay, okay This is a great fucking present I'm by the way Frank Black's a I follow him on Instagram he follows me and he DM me I bet and by the way I'm going to this fucking birthday party which one hers where you're playing the pixies listen this

I'm drinking I'm drinking tonight hard I've thought of doing this before, you know that. Watch this. He's the bald guy. He was a good looking younger dude too. Oh, this is a badass song. God, he's good. Is this not badass? That's great I'll soon be leaving in the outbound time I pray again we will meet I'm drinking hard tonight Tommy Yeah?

I'm wasting your time Just talking to you Baby, as you, going home. I'll leave you alone, paid from your mind, slipping to the green sand blue. I just came up with a brilliant idea. I just came up with a brilliant idea. What's your idea?

I know what we're doing for our birthdays today, this year. Our birthdays? Our birthdays this year. Okay. You ready? Yeah know what we're doing for our birthdays today, this year. Our birthdays? Our birthdays this year. Okay. You ready? Yeah. So it's a gift to each other, but for the fans. Okay.

For our birthdays, we will throw a live stream birthday party for each other. Okay? Okay. And we'll, same as we always do a live stream, as we, like a paid event, and I will hire a band for you to play at it So it'll stream live and people can listen and watch the band and then you'll hire a band for me

It's a good idea. It's a good idea. It's fun. And then that way everyone can enjoy it Can you imagine how great is that tiny desk concert? It's awesome. That's fucking amazing Yes, that's a great present. It's a fuck. Gotta be a pricey present. No, no Christine. I looked into it you did Yeah, specifically with them. Are you serious? Yeah. What was the price point? I know what Dwight Yoakam costs.

I'll tell you later. I can tell you what Dwight Yoakam costs. I bet you can. That was aggressive. Yeah. Yeah, that was. That was really aggressive. Yeah, yeah.

Do you think Frank Black would be like, give us a discount? No. No. No. Who do you think we could get a discount? No, no, no. Who do you think we could get a discount for? I bet we could get Goose. Oh, get me Goose for my birthday. Okay.

And then watch me cry. Just have a Burt Cry Cam. Yeah. And just have them sing songs to make me cry harder. The problem though, if you do the, the band's gonna be like, oh, are you streaming our concert? Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit. That just blew up in my fucking mind. Yeah. Yeah, who would you get, if just blew up in my fucking mind. Yeah. Yeah, who would you get, if I was gonna get you a band to play for your birthday, who would you want? I don't know. I'd have to think about it. I'd either want Wilco, Goose, Widespread Panic.

Those would be my three bands that I would be like, you can't get Widespread Panic, it's gonna be too much. Wilco would be too much. He used to do $25,000, he used to do living room shows where he'd perform in people's living room for 25 grand. And then he would give the money to charity. That's pretty cool. That's badass.

I bet we could goose for a good price point. I bet we could get a discount, friends and family, from them. You think so? I know I could. I say that, I know I could, but I bet I could. You bet you could. I kinda could. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe don't say that they'll give you a discount. Hey guys, they're not listening to this. They don't fucking watch podcasts. They read books. Okay. They're fucking musicians. They don't fucking, you think they're watching Two Bears?

No, I don't think so. But I think someone can clip this and be like, you see this guy saying you're a fucking discount rate? You know I love you guys. Yeah. Who would you want, think about it. Like Scarface did a great Dining Death, I bet a Nas show would be incredible That'd be awesome to watch. Yeah

Nas would be badass. Yeah, most death. Yeah, that'd be awesome. Most death would be for yassir been bay. Yeah whatever Who would like sing though, that I would like want to hear sing? Sing? Yeah. That's a great. I want someone soulful.

Okay, go to Tiny Desk and see who the top viewed Tiny Desk is. Cause, GZ just did it. Hold on, do, hit, can you do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it.

I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it.

I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it.

I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do it. I'm gonna go ahead and do that would be incredible. Yeah, that's awful. That's what I mean T-Pain T-Pain would be on fucking I can get T-Pain on the friends and family discount. Let me call him. Okay? You ready you're calling him calling him It's unbelievable T scroll down Okay, keep going keep going All right facetiming T-Pain T. Scroll down.

OK, keep going, keep going. All right, FaceTime and T-Pain. Erykah Badu, that'd be cool. Erykah Badu would be fucking awesome. Keep going, keep going. Oh, oh, these fucking what is it? How do you say this on the left? Oh, oh, they're fucking great. Yeah, I've been listening to them.

I don't even know how to say the name. I have I've been listening to them. They're fucking awesome. I have albums on my phone. I don't even know how to say the name. How do you say it? Karoon? What? Why don't we just start a fucking show called Large Desk and just hire these bands. I bet they all do it for free.

T-Pain didn't answer. We are looking at how to pronounce this name as well as how to say more interesting and often confusing names from music as well so make sure to stay tuned. This is the name of a musical trio from Houston Texas. How do you say it? Karung been krung been krung been So I just I learned that I'm a big fan of krung been krung been I've listened to like all multiple albums now And I still I did not know how to say their name. I've never said I thought it was kind of also Look, I don't even know what they look like. That's them. Wait play it. I want to see what they look like Hey, can you play the let's see what song they open with? Oh

Yeah, I know this song. That's them? Yeah, they're- Oh, they drink tea. They're the shit though, dude. Oh, I would book that concert in a second. Krudebang? Krongbin. Krongbin? Yeah. They're fucking badass.

Krongbin's really good. Okay, book that for my show. Okay. Krongbin, for your birthday present. All right, I'm in Kronbin listen Kronbin we'd like to book you for my birthday. Kronbin has no interest in fame They're just like actual artists and they're like they're like we'll do it for free. No, they won't. Kronbin, Kronbin, hit us up We'll hit you up

We'll hit you up. And you want either widespread panic or Wilco or Goose? I would take, I would take, I'll tell you what I really like. If you can get, I would like, here's the deal. I would like Jeff Tweedy. I don't need all of Wilco. I just need Jeff Tweedy, acoustic, one guitar. Goose, I want the whole, I want a Revelo. I want their acoustic band.

I don't need, I don't, they don't have a drummer right now. So, but I would like,. Goose, I want a Revelo, I want their acoustic band. I don't need, they don't have a drummer right now. But I would like, I wanna pick the set list. That's the other thing, I wanna pick the set list. Like I wanna tell them, that's where it gets a little complicated. For all these bands?

By the way, I'll tell you this. If you wanna hire me for a private party, I will do it. You have to pick the set list though. Because I don't wanna fucking work on new material in a living room full of people. But if you say, Bert, we'd like to hire you for a private party, and I've never done privates, I'm not good at them, but I could be really good at them

if you were like, here's the set list we want you to do, can you do all these jokes? And on the machine. And so I'd be like, yeah, I'd do that in a heartbeat. I left her deodorant in the refrigerator. I can fucking do it in my sleep. That's what I would want. I would wanna pick my set list from them.

Well, there you go. And then I have a couple covers. Like I know that for Goose, I told them I wanted them to play the Elvis song. Yeah. Well, you never been to Spain. Did they play it? Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. But I've been to Oklahoma. They played your song? Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

But I've been to Oklahoma. They played your song? No, no, no, they didn't. I told them I said that would be cool. Yeah. All right. 5K. By the way, Tom, we don't even need to do it

for a live stream. No, we shouldn't do it for a live stream. We should do it just on the show. Oh, is that Bert and Johnny Depp? Holy shit. Oh my God. Bert and Johnny Depp? Holy shit. Oh my God. You guys look so cute together. We set up the band right here, Tom.

We set up the band right here, and we just do it for an episode. That'd be awesome. It'll be a surprise episode. I like the idea. Karangben. Karangben, yes. And then I would like, either Goose or Wilco.

I would either Goose or Wilco. Okay. Actually, I'll be honest with you. I think I'm more in a Goose phase right now. Yeah. We'll get Goose to play live here. Okay. Goose to play live.

How many band members? Three. Okay. Three. Look at you guys. Look at you guys. Who's that? Doug Stanhope?

That's you and Johnny Depp. Who, how did you draw these? Yeah. Who drew these? That's Chad. He's fucking unreal, dude. That doesn't look like me. Well, he's just learning. He did it in two seconds, man. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alright, 2bears5k.com. The fucking thing, 5k is Tuesday, May 7th. It's going to be in LA, so book your travel. But we hope you come with us, we hope you run with us. If you can't, you can run online with us. And that's it. I love you.

Love you too. Bye guys!