2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Somethings Burning And It's Bert's Bus | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! It's almost here! Premieres April 16 on https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Presale pricing only available for a short time! You get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $24.99. Afterwards, the price will increase so get it now! SPONSORS: - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code BEARS. https://bluechew.com - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Brought to you by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. - Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are back with a wild new episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, and this one has everything: a terrifying tour bus fire, Bert’s ongoing recovery from blood clots, near-death anxiety, celebrity gossip, and a heated defense of napping. Bert breaks down the shocking story of how his bus blew a tire outside Fargo, was left behind overnight, and then burst into flames just hours later — a moment that may have saved everyone on board. He and Tom unpack how close the situation really was, what Bert lost in the fire, and why he’s still obsessing over the hats. The Bears also dive into Bert’s fear of flying, life on blood thinners, what it means to face mortality without booze, and the bizarre mental spiral that comes with multiple near-death experiences in a matter of months. From there, the conversation takes its usual chaotic turn into Club Shay Shay, the “lost everything and got it back” misunderstanding, the Jeffrey Epstein email chatter, Chappell Roan backlash, and whether Jon Bernthal is dead wrong about naps. They also talk about the upcoming 2 Bears 5K in Pasadena on May 9, Bert’s current fitness goals, and whether he can break 30 minutes in the race. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 326 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:20 - Bert's Bus Burned Down 00:14:47 - Losing Everything 00:18:19 - A Really Cool Gift 00:20:40 - Death Is A Cruel Mistress 00:34:34 - Air Canada Accident + Other Aviation Disasters 00:43:10 - Chappell Roan 00:50:28 - Beefing With Jon Bernthal About Naps 00:56:34 - 2 Bears 5K 01:00:20 - New Bus & Doing Stand-Up Again 01:07:33 - Epstein, Fluffy, & KREISCHER Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% I'm lowering my compression socks. All right. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave as Bert removes his compression socks. I'm an old man now, Tom. Yeah.

I keep saying I'm a snowman in March. What does that mean? I'm dying. Oh, oh. Hey, you've never looked better. God's taking swings at me. Dyes looking good on you, man. Death looks good on me.

Yeah. I was on stage last night in Ottawa. Ottawa. And I was like, my life is unrecognizable from three months ago. I had two dogs three months ago. My kids were in L.A. I had no blood clots. I had a bus.

I had all the shit going on. And then this woman just goes, what about your rosacea? I was like, thanks, lady. Thanks, lady. Well, we should, we should like discuss it because God knows you're going to talk about it. incessantly. I haven't talked about it yet. I know, but this is the... I don't really do a podcast this much anymore.

Well, this is the best thing. It's the best life to live. Don't do it too much. I got to be honest with you. Cutting back was the... My stand-ups better. Ticket sales are better. I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage. Enough. No, but let's talk about it for real, because I wake up, like many people did, open my phone, and I can't even believe the image that you post, your tour bus burned to a crisp. So what happened?

What actually happened? So we were fucking Fargo. Yeah, that's how most people say it too. Fucking Fargo. Fucking Fargo. That's what people say. Fargo gets me every time.

Last time, we slid off into an embankment. On the bus? On the bus? And then everyone was making jokes about it. You're back to Fargo. What's going to happen this time? And this is what happened?

happened. We get done the show in Fargo. We're heading to Cedar Rapids. And we had a blowout. We had a blow out. I live streamed it. It's all my Instagram. But we had a blowout and the tire ripped off the wheel well. As you're driving. As we're driving it rips off rolls next to the bus lands next to the bus like five feet from the actual rim. The rim is bare and we're like in the middle we're an hour outside Fargo in the middle of a field. There's a huge. snowstorm. Roads are icy. Trucks are flying down the road and I get out with LiveStream. I sit for two hours, have a cigar and... How many people are with you on the bus at this point? So both, so we have travel with three buses. Yeah. So I have one bus it's crew, another

bus it's crew and then our bus is me in finance, Pat Berger, uh, my trainer, Alex and uh, and Kyle, my assistant. And the driver. And the driver, Dewey. And so Drew, Dewey blowout, Dewey handles it perfectly pulls it over we sit for two hours and they're like all right what are we going to do we can't get a guy out here they're going to come out tomorrow and morning to switch your tires and i'm like i'm going to stay with the bus my bed's there everything's there uh and then like we may not be able to get a a tire in time to get you to cedar rapids so why don't you get into a bunk and we'll drive you to cedar rapids and i'm like no and they're like it's the best bet like that way we know we can be there for the show we don't know when the bus will get

here and and and I all my stuff's on the bus so I don't want to leave the bus but I'm like we've been waiting for two hours we don't know when a tire's coming we're like all right when you say just what when you say stuff like what kind of what are we talking about my hats your hats you have a lot of hats I have everything I have I just done we were watching Ancerman too and there's a scene in Ancerman too they're like Ron you're making fondue on our bus and you have all these bowling balls what do you have all this stuff for and he goes oh I got it on cruise control and then they show everything flying around their bus I had done a video that day of all the loose stuff next to my bed.

I have a hatchet. I have knives. I have a trophy. I have two trophies. What is with all the knives? I have no idea. I collect knives on the road. I just buy knives on the road.

And so I have so much accumulated, so much stuff. I have nine gallons worth of cigars, three new boxes, all my clothes. I have everything. I live in this bus. I live in this bus. All my medications, everything. So I pack a bag.

I grab my bedding. I pack a bag as quick as I can just to do the show in Cedar Rapids. We get on our buses, we get in bunks, we pull into Cedar Rapids. That morning they wake me up and they're like, I don't think women should ever deliver bad news. Yeah. They don't have the heart for it. Right.

You know, I think that all women could take a class in just one of those guys from the 50s that would deliver bad news to families who lost a kid in the war. Where he just walked up and he goes, I got bad news. Yeah. Your son's dead. You know, Marcy, my door manager goes, okay, we're all fine. And I was like, what's going on? Yes. She was like, it's, doobie's okay.

I was like, wait, what the fuck's happening? And she was like, we're going to get through this. I go, what the fuck? I literally lose. I go, what the fuck, Marcy? And then Kyle goes, the bus caught on fire. I don't want, wait, what? And he goes, yeah.

And then they say to me, Marcy says, a little smoke damage and a little water damage, but it should be fine. Ha! It looks good. It looks really good. And Kyle pulls up this picture. And I go,

Marcy, she goes, I haven't seen that picture yet. And I'm like... So no one was on the bus. What? Dewey was. When it started. That morning, he was on the bus waiting for the tire. And he heard a pop.

I mean, these are all allegedly only because there's, I'm sure there's an insurance claim. And I'm just telling you what Dewey told, what I've heard through the grapevine. He heard a pop. And within 15 seconds, the entire front cabin was filled with smoke. And within 30 seconds, it was all aflame. It was completely on fire. An electrical fire started. We're guessing.

Electrical fire started in the ceiling. Within 30 seconds, the entire bus was on flames. Dewey got out. He got out. He didn't have time to grab anything. He literally got out and the bus was on fire in 30 seconds. And we would have all been asleep in it. And no one would have been able to get out.

Without a doubt, no one would have gotten out. Because we all sleep in the back of the bus. The front of the bus caught on fire. There's no getting out. There's an escape. I couldn't have got. There's no. windows in the back the little window in the in the in the back back back is too small for me to get out

the escape latch which i never knew i had is in above my bed it's cool to not know that you know what i kept thinking you think i would have learned tom yeah i got on a bus last night and we're driving across a bridge from toronto to or auto to toronto yeah and i was and it was like windy and it was and it was knowing and I was like, I should look for the escape hatches and this bus. Just God forbid we fall into the water off this bridge. Because that was the crazy thing. It was like the whole week, it was crazy winds. So you get out to do North Dakota and there's crazy winds.

So it's like God's giving you a DIY. So the bus is getting pushed and pushed. But then the big thing is everyone just wrote, this is AI. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's what I'd use AI for. Not to get pictures of my wife and turn her into a fucking whore. Yeah, yeah, you use it for this. I have the best AI pictures of Liam.

I'm sure, yeah, I think I've seen a few. But it's crazy, you know, there's no comparison. I was telling you, the death thing hits second. I've had so many close calls with death. I mean, I have the blood clot in the leg that traveled to my lungs that we caught, you know, in the nick of time. I'm on blood thinners. I have this bus. I haven't drank.

I have no tapouts. I have no, like, I haven't been able to. drink vodka and have a drink and be like, wow. Or I have nothing, no weed, no nothing for like two and a half months. So, but it's like, I have a hard time processing that almost died part of it. I think it's easier to process losing your home. Your hats, yeah. My hats, my hats.

I had so many hats. So many hats. I had so many great hats. I had leather pants on there. When I processed this photo, I kept thinking like, man, if you had died, that would have been my machine story, you know. Can I tell you? Like, I would have been touring for years.

Be like, when I was 46, my best friend died in a bus fire. Wow. That's how it would have been great. But I was 46 years old, my best friend died to bus fire. People would be like, here we go. Oh, shit. Yeah. I would have, I gotta be honest to be,

burning to death's not the way I want to go. No. But I want to go out. I would have mind going out with that bus. I love that bus. So are you in a weird way, though? Are you kind of excited to get a new bus? No, no.

Can I tell you what Leanne said? What? And by the way, she's welcome, she's here, she can defend herself. Yeah. I said to her, like that day, the bus is still smoldering. Yeah.

And I said, by the way, if you see the video of the person who drove by the bus. Did you see that? I don't think so. Were they like, you can't park here? No, no. One of those, but they're driving by and they had just seen my show. I don't know where you'll find it.

They're just driving by my show. They just come from my show, they spent the night, and they're driving by, and it shows you how bad the fire was. There was no getting out of this bus. I mean, it was, Tom, it was, I haven't. I'll send it to you. The Kyle has, I'm sure Kyle has it. Kyle will send it to you.

So the bus is smoldering. I say to Leanne, what the fuck are we going to do about this tour? I still have two months left. I have two months left until we go into production for the show. And then I have, I'm on tour until 2027s when I shoot my special. So I have like a lot of tour dates left. And I said to Leanne, am I going to, are we going to buy another bus or build another bus? And Leanne says, the bus is still smoldering.

I don't know. How much longer are you going to be doing this for? Huh? What my, look at that. Look at that. Tom, go do it, see it again. Look at, this is the fire. Jesus.

Yeah. They could have slowed down a little bit. Yeah, I know. And by the way, they knew it was me. They did, and they're like, he's dead. That's crazy. They had been to my show. They had been to my show.

Yeah. And they knew it was me. Do you get so much. That's such a serious photo. I know. You get so much press when you almost die. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy.

Like, it's, like, people magazine, reached out like uh every like tmz was got it right of way they got it this is the second time they thought i was dead and everybody it's a storytelling show me and my comedian friends we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face wild face sometime regretful every STD horrible i'm gonna fuck you up and amazing stories we just got started i'm gonna stop the terrace you're in trouble best reality huh it's gonna be a good night it's gonna kill us all You should be in jail. Hey man, are you okay?

I actually do well. You don't fucking talk to me. Okay? I'm the disciple of the Lord. Not you miss the spot. How did I get here? How did this happen? That's a good question.

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First time was a heart attack, and I played it. milked it. Really? Yeah, I didn't, I didn't let anyone reply to their calls. Did you do it as much as you did on club

Shayshay? Because that's still the funniest thing I've ever seen of you. What? When he goes, so he looks at his notes, he's like,

you lost everything, and then you got it back, and you went, yeah. And you didn't correct him at all. I was like, I fucking was in tears. You're like,

wait, what's he talking about? And you're like, uh-huh. The look on my face. the actual look scared you look scared gillis texted it to me and he goes the actual look on your face is hysterical i hadn't seen it i remember i remember it happening and i remember jo came up to me and he was like he was can't ask you a question i go yeah and he goes and he goes eddie bobbo called me the

day i was taking a shit and he goes he goes there it is you look so scared wait we have to set this up so that people know so so joe i see joe this is the night before i'm doing joe's i see joe and he comes up right up to me. You know when Joe has like something, he goes, hey, I got to ask you a question. He goes, Eddie Bravo called me the other day. I'm taking a shit and he goes, did Burke Chrysher lose everything and then get it all back?

And I go, absolutely fucking not. And he goes, well, he was on club, Shee-She. And he said he lost it all and got it back. And I go, by the way, I did the interview. I said so much more wild shit than that. Yeah. That's the last thing I think of. And I went, oh, yeah.

And Joe goes, that is so you to not want confrontation and to want the guy's story to be good. So I just went, yeah. But I don't remember it. I know because I know you. When I saw the clip, I see him just say this. And I see you go like, like, what do I correct him? And you just go like, mm-hmm.

Because he's like, he clearly just got bad information. And it was just like, you lost it all. And instead of being like, what are you talking about? You're just like, yeah. Here, play this. Look at Bert's face. And he goes, did Burke Chrysher lose everything? and then get it back. I go, what?

He goes, he was on Shannon Sharp Show, and Shannon says to Bert. You lost it all. Built back up. And he goes, it seemed like it wasn't true. I go, it's not true. Did Bert go along with it? He goes, yeah.

I go, what? Did you believe you could build it back up? You're like, after you lost it all? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? And if I ever get back in this situation again, I promise you it won't happen again. I wish I was that in sight of it.

He just answered. I just was like, I was like, well, you married? You lost everything you mentioned. So I, I've never been good with that. I just, you know, I literally was like, what story do I have adjacent to this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I have, you know, everyone's got their, like,

hero story they tell. I could see your wheels turning. I was like, what? Like, because I was like, I, Leanne and I, when we were at Georgia, we were broke, but everyone's been broke. I didn't lose at all. Like, I spent money, but, you know.

And then I was like, and then when I, when I got fired from tribal town, I still had money. but that's a good hero. I was like, I think I told a mixture of both. That is so funny, that is, if any, can I say, there's like a couple things that have happened in my life where I go, where I realize,

you're not my, you're not supposed to like me. Like if you, if that gets you angry and you leave a comment, you're like, this is why you're, you were never supposed to like me. It's that, because that is who I am. That is, I can, I'll never be able to change that. That and when I was reading Promptor during the Tom Brady roast, That is exactly who I am.

That I'm never going to not be that guy. So if those two things upset you. There's three, though. What's the third? Because the third would be the official Kreischer-Epstein-file documents from the Department of Justice. That's pretty crazy. This is crazy. Did you see that Fluffy had to make a statement?

No. Yeah. What did he say? He's in the Epstein files too. Well. And it's the same as mine. He was at the West Palm Improv or Bert the Cart, whatever. Yeah, and they were just like, who's playing this week.

So this, let me see this. You're at the, you're the bottom. It's pretty detailed. Pretty detailed. Oh my God, it's the same date as today. Is it really? Yeah. March 21st to 23rd.

Oh. I'm going to be, I have a Comedy Central special, birth conqueror trip flip yeah and it goes into some shit you guys did but the um it basically says

I'm at the West Palm Improv right which who else lived in Palm Beach he didn't even he didn't even reply to get tickets he just wanted to know who was playing

and who wait I'm a spam email of his I'm a spam to Jeffrey Epstein he just wanted to know Bob Sagitt's in here Tracy Morgan's Wait, there's a lot of this. Everyone that was at the fun.

Are you in here? You were playing the Westbaum imbrop then? No, he didn't want to go. Bullshit. I didn't make it, dude. Drey-Vorgan. Bob Saggett. We tried.

We asked. Wait, Tom's got to be in here. It's not, believe me. You can search the, uh... Drew Carey. Stop throwing other people under the bus. Let's talk about you. Bruce Kurz.

New booking event. These are comedy classes. These are all from the improv. What did you and him do for real? This is your chance to come clean. I never met Jeffrey Epstein. You see that guy, that guy that they're like, Epstein's alive. Yeah, and he's making money off of it.

Yeah, he came out, he was like, I'm just a guy. I look like up my guess. How fucking horrible. But he did the right thing, which is like, don't get upset about it. He just kind of leaned in and was like, no, I just have a. He's making money off it. How's he making money off it? He's doing like parties and like, oh, really?

Like, yeah, the only, the only fans guy died. What? The guy who started OnlyFans and owned OnlyFed, he just died today. I knew that guy. You did? Yeah, they did a roast of me on OnlyFans. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

And so I met him, and I guess he died. He's 43 years old. Damn. OnlyFans owner. That's young, dude. I know. 43. Does it say why he died?

I mean, at 43, it's got to be something. You know, it's got to be. Yeah. Oh, cancer. Yeah, yeah. Oh, for real? That's what it said. What did you think it was?

I was like suicide or drugs. Oh, well, yes, the other stuff. 43 cancer, that doesn't seem fair. What would you rather cancer? I would have been thinking about this a lot lately because my two near-death experiences, one was with Leanne, right? Where I was, and we were in the hospital room

and I got bad news. We had to find out how bad it was. And I was like, fuck, this is real. And the other one would have been instant. I just would have died and not say goodbye to anyone. Yeah. So which one do you think you'd want? I think you probably would want to say goodbye, right?

Well, like, push had cancer. Mm-hmm. How was that, like, was that fun? Yeah, it was a great time. Yeah? No. But did you do stuff like go for a walk in the park? Yeah, but the thing is when, like, this guy, they said long battle, he probably had a, I'm assuming here, like a terminal diagnosis.

Yeah. So hers was different in that you had one procedure, revealed it was more, had another procedure, then you kind of confirm that it's no longer there. It's not spreading your system. It's more like a wake-up sobering moment in life. Yeah. But it wasn't a terminal diagnosis. Does it change her entirely?

Does she drink white wine anymore? Yeah, sometimes. But she definitely had a huge change in perspective. Really? For sure. Yeah. So, I mean, I haven't, I've had two near-death experiences, and we've lost both our dogs. And I, and I'm, I, and my, my, my perspective is not changed entirely.

Yeah, but, well, I mean, I'm wondering if I should throw a party the day I can start drinking. I'm wondering. What's the day you're allowed to start drinking? July 11th. Why is it that day? Six months. I got to be on these blood thinners for six months. And then you're good to go.

And then I'm, I mean, I think. I mean, I, if they keep me on blood thinners, I will simply drink on blood thinners. Yeah. But, I mean, I'm, I don't know. Are you still on the jab, the Manjaro? Yeah, yeah. Dude, everything's changed. I mean, I was, if you look at my life.

Does Manjaro change your shits? I forgot. Yeah. How so. Oh, they're like this. My asshole just. Really? That's not good.

Oh, they're wild. Every single time? Every single time. And I don't feel like I have any shit left in me. And if I just sit there, I keep shitting. You know those people, I think I told you this joke. I wrote this after Manjaro. You know those people that can sit down on a piano and just start playing?

You can just do that with shitting? With toilets. Really? I sit on a toilet and I just start playing. I can sit on a toilet and start shitting. I sit on a toilet and just happens. Just at any time. If I sit on a toilet right now, I'll start shitting.

So you're just ready to go. At all times. That's hilarious. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jack Osborne texted me. me and he's one in my bus. But the crazy, who's all the people that reached out that when, when you're, when to find out like, Chris DeStefano for as much like as like a, you know,

silly like you do, he's a ball buster. He's the sweetest guy. He is the sweetest guy. He really is. He's the first person to text me when my TV show came out. And he was the first person to text me when my bus burned down. Really? Yeah. He was, he was like, he was like, man, I just saw your bus. I know how much you love that thing or whatever. But DeStefano. was the sweetest. Tim Dillon. Yeah. What did he say?

It looks like downtown Austin. Mark, something can stop the machine. That's pretty good. Mark's got a new special out on Netflix. None too pleased. Ryan Sickler. A lot of people, I can't read a Joe List say. Grateful you're alive.

Tremendous photo. By the way, I didn't take that photo. I'm not going to get out of, you can get out of comments. I don't read comments. It's another thing ever since I, haven't drank. I don't, I haven't looked at a comment. I haven't looked at online. I've been very little online. Good. Yeah. I've been journaling like crazy. Today I was journaling and I was saying

how come I like I am like in first class there was all like grownups. It was all business people that are coming down for a conference and they all they're finance people and their hedge fund guys and they're all big big things and and they're all dressed nicely and I'm in a nice I'm I'm in arguably in a nice outfit. It's a cashmere track suit. And I'm wearing nice clothes also, but I don't feel like them. And I, and they were all like confident

and reading newspapers and doing, getting work done, replying to emails. And I'm journaling about how scared I am of flying. And then I'm, and I just, I was like, well, I, and I'm not, I'm not drinking. None of them are drinking. They're all having coffee. I'm having coffee, but I'm noticing it's making me jittery.

And then I'm like, will I ever be like them? Like, or am I just never going to be like a grown-up? I think you're always going to be just like you, man. But I wish I wasn't, I wish I, out of all the things I want to get rid of is my, I want to stop being afraid. Like, I don't, I got I'm afraid of flying. And I, and I, sometimes it goes away. Sometimes flights are better. But like, I was thinking of you and John Mayer on the plane.

And you were, you said, you enjoy turbulence. I like flying a lot. I like flying. And I like, like I was on a plane a couple days ago. I sat in the cockpit with the pilot. And I was like, he was like, you want to, do you want to take over the controls? I didn't even know him. And he was like, I go, yeah, he goes, go ahead.

And he just started reading it on his iPad. And he was like, hey, hey, hey, like, make sure you, you know, point that way and keep us out of that. I was like, all right, cool. I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy, especially when you get to check out and see that purple shop pay button that already has all your information locked and loaded. You can say thanks to Shopify for that.

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I've been in really, really, really, really bad turbulence that is kind of alarming. Yeah, kind of scary. Yeah. But for the most part, like most bumps and stuff, it doesn't bother. But I think that's just person to person. Like, there's certain things that don't bother certain people, you know?

Like, I don't want to be, like, I, the, with the booze, I don't really give a fuck about it in my life at all. Like, I mean, if, if, when they said you got to stop drinking for six months, trust me, like the first two days, I was like, I used to here as my parents are in town. It's still like around Christmas or whatever. Everyone's still here. I want to fucking party a little bit. It's so funny that a guy in his 50s, there you go, you can't drink.

You're like, my parents are in town. They're like, oh, okay. Can I tell you what I was really thinking? They had given me half a Xanax when I got the blood clots. and to get to lower my blood pressure to put me in the EKG or the one of those son machines and and I thought to myself I'm gonna have a couple cocktails when I get home the Xanax is gonna kick in double and I'm gonna pass out I'm gonna sleep like a god and she was like you can't drink and I was like ooh and I almost said but I have half

a Xanax in me this is the best time to drink yeah and but I was angry like the first week. Now it's like whatever. I don't even really think about booze. I think about I think about Zins more than I do booze. Or nicotine more than I do booze. And you can't do that? I could if I want to, but there's a girl I follow who is off it for two weeks. She's from Philly.

And I watched her. That's the hardest thing to kick in the world. I'm pretty bad, bro. How many are you doing a day? I have no idea. And you're rogue, right? No idea. I have three Lucy's. Lucy breakers. in my bag for in case of emergency.

Like, shit goes down, because I can't drink. Like, that's the, you know, I can't, like, there's no tap out of it. Like, I was, I had an anxiety attack on the bus when I still had the bus. I had an anxiety attack, random. I have no idea where it came from. And I was like, whoa, I, like, sat up where I'm like, oh, I can't get out of this. And then I was like, well, I can't have a drink. And I can't have a zen and I can't smoke weed.

And there's no Xanax on this bus. And I was like, whoa, what am I going to do? And for a second, I was like, I'll smoke a cigar in my bathroom, I guess. I was like, I need something to get myself away from it. Do you know what I did? I turned on porn. And I was like, I wonder if I get aroused if that'll shut my brain off for the panic. And it did.

You watched porn. I watched porn. In the bathroom. No, in my bed, I just turned on porn. And then I started watching it. And it's so impressive that, you know, it's such a, so much bigger than anxiety that I started watching porn. went, well, I'm not having a pan.

I'm not thinking about my panic right now. I'm thinking about that thing and that girl's pussy as she works behind the door, the desk of a fucking bodega. It's one girl, I don't know how she got my algorithm. That's crazy. She was weird nipples, but she masturbates behind this bodega. And so, but I watched it and the arousal turned me off. Nicotine, I think about, I think about probably twice a day.

Yeah. I got it, I don't know, dude. I should probably reduce. How many are you doing a day? I really don't know. I really don't know. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know.

Like, like... Let's kind of... Okay, let's guess right now. So right now, here at the moment... Ooh, you're doing breakers too? No, hold on. You're doing...

Oh, let me see the nicotine. This is not mine. Who's this? I don't know. It's just here. Oh, this is empty. Who the fuck was using this? I don't know.

Somebody. It's empty. So it's two something right now. And I've had... I'm trying to think. One, two... You have one when you wake up. with coffee.

Yeah. So, have one in the gym. Yes. Okay. So hold on. Get in the car, you put one in. Three.

Got here. Sometimes they're, like, I don't know if you do that. Sometimes they're, you go and put one in and then whatever happens, you're like, oh, I've take it out. Yeah.

So I would say today, let's say I'm on like five. Some of them were long and some of them were like real quick. Five or six. Yeah, that's not that bad. Yeah. I used less nicotine.

when I chewed tobacco. When I chewed tobacco, I would do... You chew? No, I did, I did all of it. I've done all of it. Chew is my favorite. Chew is really great. Dip, I love, but I can feel like dip was the worst for you.

Dipping Copenhagen, I would do two a day. But if one, Zins, I was, I was maybe 10 a day. Yeah. And by the time I did, when I quit, And here's why I can't start and I want to start so bad. So badly, I want to start. Because I have nothing to replace it with. When I replaced it, I replaced it with alcohol.

Yeah. I was like, I'm just kind of a drink. Every time I want to zen, I'm going to have a drink. Yeah. And I have nothing replaced it with, so I don't want to get something in my life that I can't get rid of. But I have three Lucy breakers. And they just stay there. Wintergreen.

Do you look at them? On the plane today? Yeah. I was having a fucking panic on the plane. What's your panic? A- Dying, it's dying, and it's dying, and now, like this plane's gonna go down.

Yeah. And Air Canada had an accident yesterday. They did? Yeah, they ran into a fire truck and the pilot, the two pilots died. On the ground? In LaGuardia, yeah. No shit.

Yeah. Wow. Rip the whole front of the cockpit off. It's fire truck. What? But that's the thing about death is it just shows up one day. It just shows up and then.

Where's the, the video was right there at the top? What does it say? It says new video. Hey John, we're getting our first look at the moment of impact between that Air Canada plane and a port authority fire truck. Take a look at this disturbing video.

You can see the truck making its way down one of the runways. It's emergency lights. Oh, holy shit. You see that truck moving straight as it begins to turn the Air Canada plane slams into the truck and the truck appears to flip

several times. That's when the plane looks like it loses control and we know from scene photos that the nose of the plane was completely torn off. The port authority of New York and New Jersey The nose of the plane was completely torn off which means those guys died on impact.

How did that happen dude? Dude that happens you know I had the last flight I had into L.A. We had an aborted landing where we went down touchdown and fucking took off again. And there was a Delta flight on the on the tarmac that he just pulled out.

And like, we did one of these, right? Touchdown. And then, and then went, and dude, those, here's the thing that I wish they did every now and then is just showed you how much power those planes have. So a lot of times it take off, and this is what gives me anxiety, they get going, say they, like, out of 100%, they take off at like, what, 60, 70, right? And then they put it at 40 and they fuck around at like 10,000 feet before air traffic control and that's where all the bumps are sorry that's where all the bumps are and that's where all the

shit's going on and that's where I'm having panic flying out of Titoboro sucks dick you sit there forever because there's so much air traffic and then you go oh and then they just casually get up there all that time dude when we touched down and took back off that thing was at 10,000 feet in three seconds and we were at 25,000 feet in five I mean we were like this and I was like and I was sitting next to a 95-year-old woman who was drinking. And she, like, grabbed onto the thing, was like, and I was like, you're 95. What the fuck are you scared about?

Like, this is it for you. This is it. And she was like, I don't want to die either. Dude, that's... That feels like that's got to be the fire truck just being like, our lights are on, just go and not realizing, like, yeah, you're not on the street, man. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know, but that's, right? It's like they just are cruising through a runway, like that, it's really nice. It's how they not know that a play. And by the way, you've landed. Like anyone who's got a fear of flying, the second you land, you're like, thank God. Yeah. And then that happens. It's like the one, it's like the member of the triple seven air china

that was going into San Francisco. And you're about to touch down. And they just missed the runway by like a hundred feet and clipped it and then everyone fucking died. Yeah. I mean, and here's the thing that sucks about being on blood thinners. Yeah. Anything like that happens

and I die instantly because I can't, I won't clot yeah i mean if like i'm that's why i can't smoke weed or drink mostly is because if i fall i just die wait how how how how did linnard what was that was that a bus or a plane it's a plane and this i got the fucking real story the real story yeah the the the the the folklore story is so good what's the folklore story folklore story they're about uh they're they're they get this this jet and they're flying over Mississippi, Alabama. And it's bad weather. And everyone's freaking out.

And Ronnie Van Zandt stands up with a bottle of Jack Daniels barefoot. No shirt on with a vest and his hat on. And he goes, they go, well, listen, we're going to, we're making an emergency to land. And everyone's freaking out in the weather. There's lightning everywhere. Ronnie Van Zanz stands up with a bottle of fucking Jack Daniels. He goes, boys, if it's your time to go, it's your time to go.

Fucking bring her down. And he doesn't get seatbelted in. And he dies. everyone else survives. That's not what happened. He was asleep on the plane. Oh. I know.

I talked to his brother about it. You did? Yeah. And then it got really real. See, the only one who died? I think a couple guys broke their back. A lot of the, I think everyone lived.

I think Ronnie Van Zandt died. But, uh... What's the other one? Buddy Holly, right? That's a plane crash. Buddy Holly. Merle Haggard was supposed to be on that flight. And,

uh, the big bopper had a, had a, uh, had a flu and he was like, let me fly on the plane so that I can get in a hotel room and get better.

And was it Merle Haggard? I think it was Merle Haggard was like, I'll just ride on the bus. The bus's AC was out or heat was out. So it was freezing in the bus. So Merle Haggard got on the bus. He got on the plane. Dude, life, those little things like that,

like if we hadn't had the blowout, I would have definitely been asleep on that bus and I would have burned two fucking death. But like those little things like that are crazy. Alia. Alia. Alia. Alia.

Too much luggage. Yes. She was like, that's, that's, I mean, that's like, I don't know. Apparently, too, they were like telling them. This is too much. And they're like, go. Yeah. Take off.

That's the arrogance of, of fame. Yeah. And might not have even been her. It might have been like the crew, you know. I almost guarantee you it wasn't Alia. Yeah. It's what happens for me on the road. Handlers.

Is handlers. Go, hey, don't make eye contact with Bert. Yeah. And then I'm like, who told you that? They're like, that's what they said. And I'm like, I never said that. Yeah. And then they're like, but they said.

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slash bears it's like what happened with shopperone do you hear about that do you know shopperon is the woman yeah she's a woman singer yeah what happened with her the pink pony club pony pony pony club she's that girl she is she's the one that was wearing that crazy dress the best dress at the oscar right that one right the nipple rings yeah yeah apparently she's notoriously cool like across the board she has not been kind to her fans okay um and i get it a little bit i i understand you guys a little bit sober fame is a tad bit uh rigid It's it can be it can be somewhat tedious sober when you're drinking I can no one should complain fame is fucking awesome you have you have a blur it's like

someone took Vaseline over your face and just went and then everything's great someone comes up dude I fucking love you oh thanks let me buy you drink okay right sober it can be because drunk people come up to you like dud and you're like okay like when you're sober that's why I can understand when you're like I'm with my family I never was like that I get it a little bit um but Chaparone has been rough to her fans. She's like, just because I sing doesn't mean you have access to me. You're not allowed to come up to me and say hi.

You're not allowed to say that you're a fan. Know your place. I'm the artist. You're my fan. Are you paraphrasing? Oh, I think I'm, go ahead, pull it up. I mean, I'm not, you know, I don't like, I'm not a fan of her music. It's not made for me, though.

But Jude Law's ex-wife and her new husband, who is a soccer star, right? He's a footballer. he's been famous for 25 years, 27 years. There are Jude Law's 11-year-old daughter saw Chaparone. Now, I'm leaning towards Jude Law's ex-wife and the husband's story a little more than chaperones because chaperones got damage control to do. And by the way, she shot her video on a bed, like the laziest she could have shot her apology video. And by the way, also I have a bad taste of my mouth for chaperone.

That's clear. Well, I don't like that, dude. It's like give, get, you forget what it's like to not be making money and want to do the art. I don't. Yeah. So when people come up to me as tired and as sober as I may be, I make sure to give them a minute so that we can have a moment. Because I also do that to famous people. So I understand it.

She forgot what it's like. And so Jude Law's 11 year old daughter walks by chaperone. They're eating breakfast. She sees chaperone. She goes, oh my God, it's fucking chaperone. Now mind you, her dad and her step. father are both famous very famous very very famous she just walks by the table to see if it really is her and it is and then she goes back to the table and kind of freaks out it's chaparone

shaperone security guard comes up and chastises her in front of the family says what are the exact words you can read this what does she say um it confronted the girl and said scroll down maybe the regardless the security guard chastised the 11-year-old. The guard threatened to report them to the hotel, right? He spoke extremely aggressively with the child. It was just a child admiring someone. Yeah.

Okay. And so, Chaparone's apology video is, like, her laying on her side on a bed, not really even, like, taking the time to, like, sit up in a drive. She's like, that didn't happen. It's like, I would never do that. She has done that.

She, 100% has done that. Like not to an 11 year old But she has done that That's the reason everyone believes the story Is because you did it That's the reason That like when the Me Too shit happened And then you'd be like

Oh I That guy's got a reputation That's the reason Yeah yeah Everyone feels that way Is she has done that And then she's like I don't that's not even my security

Look at this It's not even my security On my half of the story Of what happened today with a mother and child who were involved with a security guard who is my personal security. I didn't even see, I didn't even see a woman and a child. Like I did not, no one came up to me. No one bothered me. Like I was just sitting at breakfast in my hotel. I think these people were saying at the hotel as well. So the fact that like a security

guard who was I did not ask the security guard to go up and talk to this mother and child. I did not, they did not come up to me. They weren't doing anything. It's unfair for security to just assume someone doesn't have good. Security is doing that because, I mean, just to be fair, you have a reputation of being upset with people. Maybe, yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, like, there's a reason when I get all stays usually, someone has a drink weight. for me. But no, just because I drink. You should do a video like this. I was just like getting off stage and like this guy brought me a drink. This guy. But it's like it's Jude Law's daughter. So let's, let's not a mother and a child. It's, you know, I'm not a fucking idiot. You think I'm a

fucking idiot. You think I don't know that you know it's Jude Law's. The only reason you're addressing this is that it's Jude Law's daughter. The only reason you're bringing this up is Jude Law's daughter was, by the way, it's Jude Law's daughter. By the way, it's Jude Law's daughter. She's not, she knows what it's like to get her dad to get recognized. You know what I mean? Like she wasn't gonna be, like if my daughters saw someone they were, that was famous, and they have, they give, they, they, they definitely recognize people, but they don't fucking blow up their spot. And I know dude dog's daughter probably wouldn't like, it's Chapo, her dad's fucking famous. Her stepfather's fucking famous. I don't know why I'm so fucking passionate. You are really passionate.

It's like, it's like, you know what, chaperone? Just say hi. or or yeah i don't know i'm it's like you know all right you can take that down i just i don't know i yeah that's whatever what no one gives a fuck about chaperone oh okay i mean it's a stupid thing our fans aren't like tell more about chaperone bert i really i mean where she from here uh chapel hill yeah yeah american singer okay she's from missouri really huh that was a slave state that's on her yeah that's definitely they chose that too yeah they chose that that's kind of fucking push the whole that's why we have maine is because of missouri that's why we have main yeah main wasn't

a thing and they were they chose slaves and then we had to go like well we we want one without slaves so we're like massachusetts can you like break off the top and give us we'll call it main and that's how we have Maine. That sounds like a Burt story, but kind of... You're right, it may be. I don't know. I don't know. Can I tell you another thing that I'm really upset about? What? And listen, I don't want to get in a beef with John Berenthal.

Oh, boy. I'll drop it. Never mind. You're going to get in beef with him now? I would say he started it. With you? Not with my people. With your people? Yeah.

When you're talking about people, you're talking about whites? No, no. Knappers. He went after nappers. And a lot of people are going after nappers right now. Don't take naps? People that don't take naps. He's coming after people to take naps. He's just like naps or- Pull up John Baranthal napping. And it's like, it's the way he taught. Look at this. Oh, wow. Look at this. I don't take naps. I don't take naps. I don't take naps, man. I don't take naps. I don't have time for naps, man.

That's, that's for the fuck of herbs, man. I just ain't doing that shit. Dude, this motherfucker takes naps. I don't trust people to take naps, dude. I just found that he doesn't take naps, dude. He grown ass man. No. Dude, yeah, it's like, dude, like the whole world's moving while you're napping, bro. It's fucking, I can't fuck with a nap. I just, I can't. Well, he just doesn't like naps. And he doesn't fuck with people to take naps.

Yeah. So he doesn't fuck with me. That's what I heard. I don't fuck with Bert. He takes naps. Let me tell you who else takes naps. You ready for this? John Barrenthal?

LeBron James. Napper. Usain Bolt. Naps. Roger Federer. Big napper. The greatest athletes in the world. Nap.

Yeah, I like how you're like, greatest athletes in the world and me. And me. And by the way, I treat my body just like LeBron James. Yeah. I do all the recovery. I sleep. I'm sleeping roughly 12 hours a day right now. It's amazing.

I sleep so good. And I nap every day I fucking nap. I don't understand this. I shut it down at like 5 o'clock every day for one hour. I go to my bunk. Now I go to my bunk. I would go to my bed in the bus. And I shut it down for one hour.

And I perform that night spectacularly. Yeah. And I achieve big things. but I nap. And let me tell you something. Pull up, pull up, Hussein Bolt,

woke up from a nap. Before he set the world record, he had been napping 30 minutes before. Can I ask you this? What? Are you sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night at night? I sleep about 10 hours a night. And then you still have a nap?

And I have an hour nap every day. Look at this. Bolt famously naped before his 100 meter Olympic gold medal. He napped. Yeah. He napped. He considered sleep the most vital part of his training regimen. John Barrenthal is, by the way, very talented actor,

love everything he does. I think John Baranthal's awesome. Except for this nap bullshit. He's not living to his optimization. In my opinion, because napping is great for you. Winston Churchill naps. Dude, fucking, have you ever been to the countries where napping the siesta in Spain?

Is the fucking dopest shit alive? You go to a country that shuts down. The country. You know what he just said? I don't like Spanish people. That's what I heard. That's what you heard. I don't like Spanish people.

I don't like Mexicans. Anyone speak Spanish I don't like. Well, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Spaniards napped. Winston Churchill, John Fennedy, Bill Clinton, napped. Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, napped. Roger Federer, LeBron James, napped.

These are all fucking great people. Yeah. And they all napped. And I'm a napper. And I cherish my naps. I love. When I don't have a nap, I get fucked up. I like,

A nap Resets everything for me And I nap so good Tom Yeah I can go I can fall sleep in a nap Within five minutes Today I won't nap

I won't nap By the way John Sometimes I choose not to nap Right Sometimes I don't nap Today you probably won't nap I won't nap today But I fell asleep on the plane

How was that? Well my alarm woke me up To get up to move For my blood clots By the way napping got me into this That's how you got into that I fell asleep on a plane And I fucking woke up with blood clots

So how often do you have to move Every 45 minutes I'm an alarm on my phone. And you stand up? I have to stand up, go to the bathroom. I do 20 squats. Wow. In the bathroom. I do roughly 100 to 120 squats every flight. But do you nap at all? It's not like a... On the road. On the road. Because look, you got the boys here. You're busy. You own the chichabamba. I think on the road, I still think it's not a daily regiment thing as much as it's like case bike. Like certain days you go, yeah. I do take like rest, right? Like sometimes I don't

actually fall asleep, but I'm like, I'm like, I'm, cooked right now. I just want to go lay down. I think I think you've been to the Latin American countries where they institute a nap. Like it's not even like it's not a debate. The country says we're shutting down.

I mean that's really in my experience like Spain is like it's Mexico. Mexico? Maybe I don't know. Does it do they? I don't know. Spain is like it was for sure. Spaniards nap. Spaniards nap. Yeah. Like you can't find something open. the place is close.

From 3 o'clock to like 5 o'clock, every, the, and by the way, I was in Spain, Georgia was studying abroad in Spain, and we went over to visit her. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. When the country tells you to nap, you nap. I've never nap better in my life. Yeah, that's great.

I've never napped better in my fucking life. And I just think, I think John Barrenthal is part of the old regime of get up at three in the morning, work out, sleep two hours a night. Like that old man stuff Like the man stuff of like Mark Wahlberg You know Mark Wahlberg changed his story He started sleeping more Mark Wahlberg used to be like I wake up at 4 in the morning every day

Yeah yeah Now he's sleeping like 10 hours a day The science is changing on sleeping God I've never heard you so passionate about this Chaparone and sleeping are my two things I'm really up at arms about Two things you're fucking pissed at Dude if I could

Leanne can't nap Really? If she nap she has to have the lights on I don't I'm not that great at it. I have to actually be pretty cooked to get a good nap in. It's not like I can do it daily.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not that net for me. I want to, before I forget, the 5K, the 2 Bears 5K is coming up. May 9th in Los Angeles, Pasadena, to be specific. If you go to 2 Bears 5K.com,

you can sign up. There's going to be thousands of people there. We're going to have wild installations. We'll have a naping room. Netflix is a car car part of. You can sing chaperone. We're going to have a lot of fun, food, drinks, entertainment. It's always a good time.

No matter your fitness level, you can do it. You can walk it. Speaking of which. Where are you at fitness-wise? I feel I ran a lot. I feel not like it's that great, but I keep training for it. I ran a nine-minute mile the other day. That's great.

And so I think, I don't know if I could run three of them. Yeah. But I think I can break 30 minutes in the 5K. Great. I think I can. I'm going to do that first one. I'm gonna run run. I'm gonna run with the fans.

No, no, no, maybe I'll do the second one. Are you saying you're gonna, oh. I'm running it twice. But you're gonna try to run one of them harder. I was gonna run one hard to see what I could get as a time. Do you... It'll probably be the first one. What am I talking about?

Yeah, it's the second one. Yeah. When you do that, will you try to just like figure out the pace or you go, I'm just gonna run hard until I gas out? Like, how will you develop, like, figure that out? No, so what I do is I start, I only know this because I did this outside the other day. I ran three miles outside.

I start slow and then just build. So that last mile will be sub 10. The first mile will probably be around 10.30. The middle mile will be 10. And then the last mile will be like nine minutes a mile. Oh, so you start a little bit. You got to start a little slow. Okay.

And then build. I don't go like, like if you go sub 10 for the whole thing, thing, try to, you're gonna fucking kill yourself. What I do is I go for that. I did that on the half marathon. I did the last six miles sub-10 and got a much better time. But like the last six miles I did sub-10, six fucking miles sub-10. So start not at your best.

No, start and feel good. You give so much energy and like, you know, I mean, you know, when you start those, you have so much like. Anxious energy. Yeah, that you really start running faster than you think. Well, I've, when that thing starts, by the way, For me, I feel like I'm running scared. Like, I feel my heart taken off like, like that nervous to start that thing.

So nervous. Yeah. I get scared running it. Do you think we'll get Shaq to run it? No. I'm doing a show with Shaq that we, it's already sold out, but that week, me and Shaq are doing a show. Do you think you can get him to do it? Run it?

Or maybe not run. He just takes five steps. He's done. That's true. Do you want to tell him that? Come take five steps. I just shit my pants. Really?

Yeah. Do you smell it? Not yet. Am I supposed to get off this Manjaro stuff? I don't know. I don't know. How long you been on it? I don't know.

Since November. What do you weigh now? I have no idea. I stop weighing myself. I just measure myself. How are the measurements? Smaller than I've ever been. Really?

Yeah. Smaller than I've ever been. Not as strong as I've ever been. Yeah. But pretty strong still. What's your waist down to? Just 40 inches. But no, but like I wear a size 36.

Yeah. But 40 actual inches. Right, right, right. But you weren't a 36, six months ago. No. What kind of pants were you wearing then? Oh, bigger, much bigger. How big?

You're not there anymore. Who cares? I was in the 40th. It's a wide range. None of my belts fit. They can't. None of my belts fit. I have one belt.

Luckily all my clothes burns, so I need new clothes. Lucky you. None of my jeans fit. Wait, so where are we with the bus? Are you getting another bus? No. I have five buses that they offered me that I can rent for two months.

And then if I want, I can buy a bus. But no one's going to make the bus I made. I understand. And so you won't pre-order it. You won't order another bus? Make another bus. It took too long to make. And how long are you going to do this for?

Can you believe she said that to me? I mean, it's a reasonable point, I guess. How much longer are you going to do this for? I don't know. Do you think you'll go back out on tour? Yeah. Not now. Like when?

I have nothing. I know. I'm getting on stage tomorrow for the first time. For real? Yeah. What are you talking about? I don't know. Chat GPT?

I don't know. My boys. You get on stage tomorrow for the first time? Mm-hmm. At the mothership? Yeah. I gotta go to fucking San Francisco. I would love to stick around.

It won't be good, but you got to break the ice, right? Dude, I... How do you start over when it's time to start over? So there's one story I know. There's always one story I know. know this is going to be a great story. I got to figure out how to tell this. As a new story.

And so I go, I just got to start working on it. What I love, what I love doing is not doing like crowd work that you see online where people yell shit at you, but really talking to the audience. Yeah. And that bottom of the barrel thing is really, that's what I'm doing. Oh, so great. Yeah. That is the best show.

I wish I had won in L.A. I do it every single night. Yeah. I went to Joe's Club when I first started with material and I just went up. And then I have some stuff left over. There's always a couple leftovers. I have one leftover that I was like my starter to get me into places. Yeah.

And then right now I'm at the place where I have too much. I have like an hour 45. And I'm starting to tell which ones are weak. Yeah. Like I had this great story about me and you when we went to that strip club. Mm-hmm. And then, but it's a weak story. It's not that great.

But it killed. because you're in it. I had a bunch with you. I always have stuff with you. I had this great fucking one with you that was... Are you doing an hour 45 every night? Yeah, about. Oh my God.

I know. I got to stop. I got to stop. Yeah, you got to. I do at least an hour 30, but that's also with the machine. Yeah, I have a theory about this, though. I do too, and I think that a crowd would rather see 50 minutes.

I think if you can do tight 60, like it's tight. A tight 60? It's always better than a... 90-minute show for the headliner. I have a new bit that is so good. Do you know when the best bits are where you, something happens and you don't know if you're going to be allowed to talk about it on stage? Is this, it's just, it has to do with numbers?

Yes. Okay. I was like, what is this, dude? You're going to have to tell me this. So good. It is so good. And you just figured it out. I went up.

Well, it happened. Well, now this is a bad story for a podcast Be like, here's the thing, we're not going to really tell you. We can't fucking need. Don't do that on a podcast. Yeah, I can't. Well, that's the thing I've learned is that people don't like, if you do a bit here, they don't like it on a special.

But guys, that's how it works sometimes. That's a crazy thing when people go, I heard you talk about it. Like, no shit. That's where it came from. I had two great stories about Nate Diaz texting me and that boy at NASCAR that was, can I take a picture with you?

Yeah. Two great stories I told on a podcast that murder on stage. Yeah. And every fucking time I see one dude, one dude in the front row go. I know this. I know this. Yeah. You're like, I know, bro.

And I'm always like, dude, give me, I'm doing an hour 45. It's still fucking murders. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have one bit that is that I, Leanne just said to me, are you doing that? And I went, I was like, I am. And she was like, I knew it. I knew it. And then that bit is murdering.

I have the greatest, I have, I have, anytime I have, I have, I have. so many fucking stories about you. What? I have so many stories about you. But I get, I'm getting rid of all of them because it's kind of a cheat code, I think. Like if I bring your name up,

they go fucking nuts. And so then, and then you're a character they know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like. They can kind of put it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, I have too much material.

And right now I'm trying to skinny it up. I don't have anything good about the girls because they don't live with us anymore. So, like, I used to have, I used to have, like, I used to have columns I'd just fill, you know, like stuff about the girls, stuff about Leanne, a sex thing, black guys, this. And right now it's just black guys. Yeah, yeah. Like, we were thinking about call my special black guys.

Black guys is a great name for a special. Dude, I have, I have an hour 20 on Black guys. I taught my boys how to play Blackjack, and so they're both fucking obsessed, and they downloaded Blackjack. Are you serious? And then Ellis comes to me over when he's like, Chuck. it out he's like i won 25 million last night i was like you my god dude i was like how much are you better he's like 350 to 500 000 a hand i was like i'm gonna have a real fucking problem with you soon yeah they're into it dude i wanted to see them while i was here yeah that'd be great

yeah the uh i have tom this is how much stuff i have about black guys even when i don't have a joke about black guys black guys are in it really you just they're they're getting into every joke Yeah. It's, I mean, yeah. But I'm excited for you to do. So you think you'll go back on tour? I don't think like this year, no. I think next year I would do it at some point, yeah.

I just said to, uh... You think that's reasonable? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's March. I just said to my agents, because I'm getting ready for my special, so I said, you know, and I was so stressed. You just do one?

Yeah, yeah. A year and a half ago, two years ago. Okay. Oh, okay. Um, I said, I don't, I don't want to keep doing arenas, I want to do two shows in a night, so I want to do theaters. And then I did, they're like, great, we'll line up some theaters. Like the beacons coming up in April. And then I did two theaters.

They did the singer theater in Pensacola, like two shows. I was like, fuck theaters. Two shows in a night. I forgot that is so aggressive. You get so much better, but it is as opposed to one in arena. I did one in, uh, in, uh, in, I did, this whole weekend was all arenas. And it's like, it's amazing.

So you get so much energy, you go out and you hear like fucking 10,000 people cheering for you and you're like, yeah. And then you're like, well, let's fucking kill this. And then you're murder and then you're like, that's what I'm talking about. And then you come off stage, you're fucking pumped. You do a meet and greet. You get in the bus. Oh. And then now I'm doing next, this fall, you'll be a lot more intimate shows.

I know. It's the, it's the doubles that wear you out. The doubles are going to wear me out. You know. Before we go, obviously, again, Two Bears 5K is coming up. Do you want to make a statement about the Epstein files?

Yes, yes, I guess so. No, I don't. No, it's going to get clipped out. It's going to get clipped out. I actually regret ever talking on a podcast ever. I am a spam ad in Jeffrey Epstein's email list, a spam ad for my show, March 21st, to 23rd. Oh, I wasn't doing Sundays. Nice. You were doing well then. Oh. Wait.

When was that? That had to be 2016, 2017. That's probably, that makes sense. What was Jeffrey Epstein? Was he in prison already? I don't think so. I mean, you would know. Wait, when was Jeffrey Epstein in prison? A couple years later, I think. Because I said to someone, I was like, I said to Ian Fidance, I was like, I don't even know who Jeffrey Epstein was until he killed himself. 19 he was arrested for federal sex trafficking so this is right before he got arrested i was in his spam email that is it in geoffrey apstein spam email me bob saget fluffy yeah all of us you were already doing theaters that's why he didn't have a fucking thing with you yeah he would have loved you think so oh yeah thanks yeah you get on the private jet you're not a

of turbulence. He's like, go sit on Tom's lap. He's not afraid of turbulence. And you got some fucking cherubic 15 year old on your lap, just getting your dick hard the way you like it. There's that guy again saying that stuff. Dude, hold on. I saw a video today of two guys. I don't know who they are. And they are honestly saying that Garth Brooks is a serial killer. Oh, I've seen a bunch of those. And they're like, I mean, the proof is out. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, I mean, honestly, when's he going to?

And they're not, they're not comedians. They're true crime people. You know that guy wrote a book, right? There's a book. It's insane. Pull up the book. Somebody wrote a fucking book about it. A real book about him.

And, and, and that whole, yeah, this is an actual, a serious examination into the allegation. I think that's who I saw. May it, may have been. I think that's who I saw. They were on a fucking podcast talking about it going, I mean, it started with Tom Segura, but it's gotten so much deeper. Yeah, and we definitely...

By the way, I've never empathized with Garth Brooks more in my entire life. I am not in the Jeffrey Epstein files. I am not. You are in the file. No, no, no, Garth, me and you are victims of Tom Segura. Garth, I love you. Go to the Department of Justice website and type in Bert's name. Type him Tom's name.

I'm sure he's in there somehow. I'm not. I'm not. Can someone do a fake thing so that... They can do a fake one. Yeah, yeah, this is a spam ad. I'm at the West Palm Improv, March 21st and 23rd of 2017, right before he got popped.

By the way, thank God he didn't come to my show. That would have been fucking something. Because you would have been like... I would have gotten a shirtless picture with Jeffrey Epstein. Bert, this guy's super rich. He lives here in Palm Beach. You'd have been like, hey, let's go to your house. A thousand percent.

He'd be like, you want a massage? You'd be like, fucky, I love massages. Thank God. Bob's saying it was the week before me. Oh, my God. He went to that one. Oh, you dodged the bullet. Fluffy made like a legit statement at SOFi.

A legit statement, I think. About this? He was like, Jeffrey Epstein was trying to get into one of Fluffy shows, but they were sold out. And then he was like, what about Thursday? And they're like, sold out. And then they're like, what about Friday? And he's like sold out. It's fluffy.

He's fucking sells out every show he ever does. Yeah. He sold out. Him and Joe Quitted SoFi. And he was like, yes, I am in the Epstein Files. And you can hear 70,000 people go, where the fuck is this going? And he was like, he was trying to get tickets to my show. You got to see, let him do it.

It's here. It's pretty serious until he makes a joke. In the Jeffrey Epstein Files. That's 70,000. In 2014, there was a comedy club called the Improv. The improv is a chain all over the country, and they had one of their clubs there. in West Palm Beach. Me too.

I would perform there three to four times a year. The email reads from Jeffrey Epstein to his assistant. It says, I need six tickets to the April Iglesia show

at 8 o'clock. The assistant replies, the show is sold out. He replies, what about the next one? She replies, it's sold out too. That's it.

Okay? That is it. That is it. There is it, that is it, that is it. Because I know you guys got nervous. You're like, I thought Slough the Only Touch Donuts. There's a joke to this, by the way. I just think it's crazy that Jeffrey Epstein,

one of the most diabolical human beings to ever walk the face of the earth, had the ability to connect with politicians, with influencers, with celebrities. He put people in very compromising positions. He got people on planes. He put people on planes. He put people on islands. He was involved in trafficking. He was able to accomplish all these evil, crazy things.

But at the end of the day, he still couldn't get tickets to see my... Can I tell you my one takeaway from that? Yeah. Is I'm gonna, like, I... You know I love Fluffy. Yeah. But every time a Latino guy pronounces their name correctly,

it makes me want to go, start going bird. You definitely should. Haisha. That'd be good for you. He goes, Gabriel Iglesias. The way he says it, it comes from out of nowhere. Like he's like, he's like, I'm fluffy, I'm talking like this, I'm talking like this, and then he goes, Gabriel.

He's remembering how his mom said it. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna go, but haisha! But haisha! Yeah. Ein Papers, please. Haisha.

The way Gerbils would have said it. Yeah. All right. I got a secret for you. Oh, boy. Is it about Nazis? Okay. Well, thanks for watching and listening.

It's great to have you in town, buddy. Yes, we are two bears. My name is... But Haisha! This is... We will see you next time. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other, wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a... chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call to bears one cave