2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Stavvy Called Us Out | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

SPONSORS: Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com! Start your free trial at https://SHOPIFY.COM/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears for your free online visit. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS. Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026. https://babbel.com/BEARS for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Bert officially entering the Guinness Book of World Records for The Machine, possibly the most performed signature story in comedy history, and immediately spiral into the comedy record arms race: Shane Gillis' 77,000-person show, Nate Bargatze's 2 million tickets, the Dane Cook vs. Dave Chappelle longest-set war, and Bert's plan to lock 75,000 paid "hostages" inside Raymond James Stadium and perform for ten straight hours. Then the Bears respond to Stavros Halkias calling out comics who fly private, and explain why he's absolutely right: nobody gets funnier on a private jet. From there, Bert declares Busboys, the new Theo Von and David Spade movie, the greatest piece of art he's ever seen, and Tom finally watches The Odyssey, only for Bert to officially turn on it over the Travis Scott cameo. Plus: Gaddafi's all-female Amazonian Guard, plane-crash hypotheticals, Chimp Empire is the best reality show ever made, Mick Jagger on fame, and why the Bears are grateful they got famous late. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 336 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:18 - Comedians Getting Guinness Records 00:07:24 - The Attendance Record Arms Race 00:18:09 - Stavvy Says Private Jets Don't Make You Funnier 00:24:25 - Lunch Pail Phonies & Staying Honest 00:35:39 - Busboys Is A Secret Masterpiece 00:41:55 - Tom Finally Saw The Odyssey 01:03:45 - Por Osos At Frenchies & MacDill 01:07:29 - The Sexiest Military & Plane Crash Hypotheticals 01:12:08 - Chimp Empire 01:15:26 - Leanne's Birthday & The Black Crowes 01:20:28 - Mick Jagger On Fame 01:24:18 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Yeah, welcome to Two Bears One Cave and Bert, of course, is sitting there with his award. Thank you. Thank you. And I'd like to thank Guinness Book of World Records. This is a big theme amongst comedians lately. Well, I'd say it's

only way to get recognized. It's me, Nate, Shane, are all now record holders. I'm wondering what your record's going to be. I would love to have one. I don't know if it's possible, but what's yours for? Oh, well. Well, maybe we should say what theirs were for first well there's our i think Shane got two awards okay i don't know what

Shane's two awards type in Shane gillis Guinness Book of World Records well it's one was for selling out the the Lincoln financial like the most most white people ever attending a show attending a show yeah the most white people gathered in one space that didn't storm a capital that's that's exciting the it is it is he's change's one that said they're all white. He's on on Fallon. Yeah. But yeah, look at that. What did he, what did he get it for?

He had most tickets sold and most, and largest attendance. Because there's tickets sold and then people who show up. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's, I got, first of all, that is. It's incredible. So impressive. And I, I don't, I, I haven't texted with Shane about it.

But that is overwhelming. And I don't think will ever. live to see that record broken. I mean, it's, it's such amazing. 77,000 tickets is sold. Yeah. It is insane. Yeah. By the way, I'm more impressed that only 4,000 people didn't show up. Pretty crazy. That's 73,000 is a crazy number. It's really crazy. And so, and then, and then what's more Nate Pargazzi? His is for his tour, I believe. Yeah, so, but his number. is astounding too. I think it was two million white people. Yes. Yes. Two, two million clean white people. Yeah. Two million one point nine. Let's be very clear. It's not two million. One point nine. It says two million forty five thousand over the course of 16 months. Okay. Okay. He beat. Oh, he beat Jeff Dunham. Yeah. Who was one point nine over 35 months. Wow.

Hold on. Wait, I should just extend mine. I bet over 25 years I can beat that. You definitely could. That's a really good way to approach it, man. Yeah. I mean, if we're just going to extend months, 197 months, Burt Kreiser comes close in third place. There you go, man. It's crazy because Guinness just floats around these shows. Like, they just sit back. Yeah. You never know when Guinness is going to show up.

You never know. You're jumping rope and all of a sudden you see someone with a counter. and a suit standing by you and you're like shit i'm about to be in the in the fucking record book that's so exciting and then they came to your house today and they showed up because and uh i got and i'm really proud and i want to thank ginnis this recognizes the machine as one of the most performed stand-up stories in comedy history and possibly the most performed and possibly it's as possibly and possibly a lot of world records say possibly yeah possibly the most performed signature story by a major touring comedian.

It has been performed over 1,600, over 16, just casually. 1600. In venues from April 5th, 2011 through August 20th, 2020, 26, and has been heard live in front of probably over 2 million people. Wow, man. Guinness has a way with language. Congratulations, dude. We're all proud of you.

That's very, very cool. I'm really excited. I beat out Gallagher. I beat out. You did. Jeff Donnum with the Ali. The crazy thing is that they'll probably take away probably in 10 years when you continue to do it, you know? The language will change.

That's really, really cool, man. I'm really excited. I'm really excited for you. I'm really excited for you. What I'm most excited about is just to share this online because that's, It's, it's, it's, I, it's so funny. I, okay, so let's get into the dirt. Now what, because we're going to talk about Stavi and him trashing all his friends in a second.

We're going to talk about, no, that's what selling in podcasts right now is just going viral, man. You want to go viral. Fucking like stir the fucking pot. Yeah. Call, eat the rich, baby, shoot your CEOs. Yeah. And so, and you know, I love you, Stobby. And we're going to talk about, we're going to talk about a bunch of stuff.

But what is interesting to me, and I am curious, I know it's not. So in order to get Guinness, you have to call and pay for them to come, right? They don't really just show up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who was it? Their agents? Is it that are fighting and bleep their names out? Are there agents the ones trying to win these awards?

Yeah, I mean, probably. They probably are because they, because here's the thing. Shane Gillis did not call fucking Guinness. No, but what happens is everybody wants to know that they set a record. Everyone loves breaking a record. And they know that the artist is not going to be like, fucking do it. So the agent takes the reins on it and goes like, I got this. And then presents it.

And then you have to act like, did I? That's crazy. And you damn well know you did. But that's the footage I want to see. Can I ask Shane? Because I know they covered it, right? Yeah. Shane, we know you're a real dog, right?

We know you're a real one. You don't fuck around. Can you please post the video of them presenting you the award where you're so uncomfortable with this recipient? That's the video that would make me cry laughing. He would be very uncomfortable getting that. I imagine. Yeah. Do you know that they must have, I mean, he didn't even stand on stage.

He stood offstage to receive his award because they, brought it to him and he was like he's like yeah i know yeah and they're like no no stand with the you got to hold both and you know Shane is like the fuck's the difference yeah yeah i know i'm sure it's hilarious and then the best one the best one and i got look i'm calling out my friends these are my friends i've i've given them nothing but love their entire career but the greatest one is nate's video have you seen Nate look at him he's not even on stage he's like uh and you know he is proud to sell those tickets he's proud of that moment for sure But Shane Gillis is not a hold against.

That is an agent on the other side of that camera going, Shane, a little higher. You know, it's all that needs to happen for like these awards is just for this news to get to Chappelle and him be like, man, fuck these white boys. And just decide that he wants to break every record. So this is what it goes back to. Do you remember? Do you remember the, so this is. happening. So just so we're clear, this is happening. And by the way, it started, I mean, I'm a comedy. I remember the first time I broke someone's attendance. I'm in comedy. I know

that all the insides. Yeah. I remember the first time I broke someone's attendance record. I remember when Shane called me to tell me he broke my beer sales in Arizona. Like, these are things you know. And usually it's just like between us. And then it started where people started breaking attendance and then posting it online. This is how it started. It'd be an interesting. Joke World should hit this up and do like a documentary on this. Yeah, yeah. I'm being serious. Joke World does a great job at this. And it started Matt Rife, I think, was the first person to break in attendance. And then someone broke Matt Rife. And here's what I heard. You ready? Yeah, I'm not going to say who. Yeah.

That person then paid out of pocket for them to remove seats. So his, his record could never be broken. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? I think so. I've heard this. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Which is crazy. That is insane. Insane. Insane to be like this way this can never be broken. And you're probably right now watching this going, hold on, Bert. This sounds like something you would have done.

You're 100% right. 100% right. I broke, I got to say, I broke a record at Climate Pledge Arena in Seattle for this kind of thing. It was tickets sold and attendance. And then I did not ask them to remove seats. And I think it was Rife that actually broke that record. Yeah. And then Matt Rife was like, and I think they should make it more specific.

Most hot chicks at a show, go to Matt Rife. He would get the Guinness for that. Without a fucking down. For years, years in a row. But this goes back to, so I want to, just for any comedy nerds. Yeah. This started, the very first time I ever heard this was longest time on stage. Do you remember that?

Yes. And that was a thing because that's the thing for people that don't know that comedians do love to brag about. And as part of it is rooted in when you start, you get, you're like, I have five minutes or I have 15. And the big markers when you have like 20, when you have 20, you can feature for people. And you're obviously trying to build up to your hour.

And so when you get to an hour, it's like, holy shit, I can stand on stage for an hour and do this. And then you'd hear the flex of people being like, I did an hour and a half. And you'd be like, holy shit, you're up there an hour and a half. So this became a thing. You learn in doing this, as you probably learn as an audience member, that no one wants to see you up there for that fucking long. But it became a thing specifically in L.A.

Where some of the big names were like, I can do this much time. And then I think the battle ultimately that you're talking about was between Dane and Chappelle, right? Dan and Chappelle, pull it up. Dan and Chappelle. So Dane broke it. And by the way, there's wild stories. of that rivalry in the moment. The thing is, when you're the hottest comic on the market,

everyone in your team is saying you're number one. And then everyone on someone else's team is saying you're number one. And then despite even if you're friends, like I think Nate and Shane are probably friends. Maybe I don't really know. I've never really seen them hang out. But like, it, look at this. Dane Cook broke each other's stand-up records and no one topped them since.

Until Bert fucking Kreischer. I'm coming after this record. You should come after this one. So prior it says, I didn't even know this, originally set the record by performing for two hours in 41 minutes. By the way, nothing. Gabe beats that every fucking night. And it ended up taking 27 years for that record to be broken.

What? And Dane took the crown by doing a three-hour and 50-minute set. And just five days later, Dave Chappelle dropped by and blew Cook out of the water in a performance that clocked six hours and seven minutes. by the end of the year, he broke his own record by putting on a slightly lengthier show. It wouldn't last long, however, as Cook took the stage less than a month later, with a seven hour and 34 minutes set.

This is insane. This is going to keep happening. Do you realize, I mean, this is what I guarantee you. You could actually, you could definitely break this record. This one, you could definitely break. I'm thinking about breaking the attendance record. You can think about it. And the length one.

And the length one. Well, no, no, no. You can't. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hang on. Stop.

Stop. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. I have this habit of cutting you off. Go ahead. It's okay.

It's okay. Okay. Go ahead. It'll cost me, it's going to cost me a million dollars. Oh. Are you going to buy the tickets? I'm going to buy all the tickets. I'm going to pay people to come to my show.

Okay. And I'm going to break all these attendance. And then I'm going to pay them. So they're hired. Okay. We're going to lock the fucking doors. And I'm going to do 10 hours. We're going to do this at Raymond James.

Like a hostage situation. Everyone's getting five bucks. A hostage situation. You get five bucks. We lock the door. And then I'm doing 10 hours. I'm breaking everyone's record. Every record out there, I'm breaking.

I'm breaking all records. If you really want to do this. You can really do this, man. It looks like a guy in Nigeria did 60 hours once. So. Today's video is in partnership with Manscape, the men's grooming brand trusted by over 13 million men worldwide. There's a lot of hairy men in this world. Let's be real. A lot of grooming tools, either overcomplicate things or don't just perform that well.

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Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required individual results may vary. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. That's so awful. I can't even imagine. What you're right is you know, I mean, Chappelle, I think Chappelle did, I think he did Shane's show. Oh, he did. He did. Yes.

I think so like, you're right. But he was, it wasn't Chappelle's show, but I think he closed it. He came on. He came on. Yes, you're right, you're right. And so, and so you know Chappelle has to have that record in sight. And you know he could do that in D.C., right? Yeah, I think the thing with Chappelle is he has so much, so much. much broad appeal that like he can do he can do stadiums in like he could do south africa he could do new york he could do it that's the move for chapelle's do it and fucking do like moses mabita

stadium in to in fucking uh johannisburg yeah he could do it anywhere i think he really could do it anywhere i bet he could break that record consecutively around the world which would be the move for chappelle in my opinion if he want if he's interested in doing that but if he wants stobby to like Kim, he's got a flight coach. People just want to be as successful as possible. They want to play arenas for arena's sake. They just want to be the kind of guy. Like, they want to be on a private jet.

I really want adversity because nobody gets funnier on a private jet. This is what's so great about stand-up's fucking back, baby. It's hot. So Stavi hates everyone we just mentioned. He hates them all. Does he? Oh, he hates you. Read the comments.

You're all. Cough, cough, cough, Tom Segura. you fly private everywhere. But I don't. I know. But I think what he's saying is that, I mean, I'm, I saw this thing, but I think what he was saying is just that like a life of luxury doesn't make you funny, right? Adversity is what is relatable and keeps you funny. I think that's kind of.

First of all, I have to say, I have to say real quick, I'm busting Stobby's balls. I agree with what he's saying. Yeah, I love Stobby's. I actually, I agree 100% with what's Bobby saying. And the truth is flying private and doing arenas doesn't make you funnier. As a matter of fact, I think it is like, creatively it's like swimming in overalls. Like you're not going forward as quickly as you think. You may be, and no slight, look, I'm in this group.

I have flown private and I have performed in arenas. So I am what he's talking about, and I agree with him, is the most, I was breaking it down to someone the other day, Tom. remember the first time I did a theater and you called me and you said, hey man, heads up, it's not like a club. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I think I'll be good. And I got called you back and I was like, dude, I blew through my act in 35 minutes. Yeah, yeah, it's different. And it's different. But is it is a different art form when you go from a club to a theater and a theater to an arena? I think it is. I think what happens is the best thing for you, I think as a comedian, is to make sure you're, if you're, if you can playing all three, play in all three. If you're an arena comic, it's so important for you to at a

minimum pop into clubs because clubs are not just like the lifeblood of the business. It's the lifeblood of being a stand-up comedian. Like you have to keep that muscle active there. And if you if you've ever done the thing where you do like a bunch of arenas in a row and then jump into a club, it feels different. Now it's still stand-up, but it feels different, dude. It feels really different. And I think that's why it's important to do all three. It's crazy. And I'll speak from my, and I, and I'm speaking to to agree with Stavi is that when you do, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, when, of people that don't really all know you.

Yeah. Your little subtlety is just falls flat. And you're like... Yeah, all those things, of course. Everything. And also that's... But what you're talking about is also the difference between playing to an audience that knows you

and an audience that doesn't, right? That's the important part is like, do you remember one time? And I could use my examples, but it's more fun for me to use examples of you bombing. Is, do you remember you calling me? And you're like, dude, when was the last time you did the...

the laughing skull. And I was like, I haven't done it in a while. And you're like, I just did it. You were doing the movie with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, and it did not go well. I was like, really? And you're like, dude, I mean, this material is crushing on stage.

Why isn't it working here? And it's like, they don't know you. They're not, they're not mommies. You know, they're not like jeans. They're not, they're not bear cubs or whatever we call our fans. Cubby. Cubby. Yeah, there's a difference.

There's a difference between people that know you and people. All that matters, you know. But I mean, I think the thing you were trying to say is that everybody on these lists flies private. That was your point, right? That you were saying that like everyone that you mentioned. Oh, I have the chat thread. Do you want me to pull it? I send it texted to you.

About who does? I just did a flying private chat thread. Oh, oh. I sent it to stop his clip. I was like, I think he's talking about you to everyone. Yeah, I mean, but I understand his point. I do understand his point. First of all, first of all, let's just be very clear, Stavi.

You would love private. You would love it. It was so fucking nice. Yeah. All the snacks are there. All the things you like Stobby are in a private jet. But he wants the adversity. That's what he's saying.

He's right. I mean, he's right. He's right. I mean, I think. Waiting in line and getting like fucked over by TSA is a funnier experience than being like, can we drive onto the tarmac? for sure. Like there's no,

there's no question about it, man. There's no question. He's right about that. I have more jokes about being in an airport bar than I do to someone saying, would you like caviar and champagne this morning? It's just, it's not as funny. That's definitely not as funny.

It's not. And I will say that like, but then there's the guys, I'm sorry to cut you off, but there's the guys who are, there's the guys who. trying to set a Guinness World Record? There's a guy that,

there's the guys that fly private in comedy, and this always makes me laugh. Like, I don't advertise it, obviously. Like, I'm not out there being like, you know, whatever, you do it when you do it on tour. But there's the guys who are like, I'm a real lunch pail guy, like a real ham and egger.

And that's their whole persona. And they are extraordinarily wealthy. And they fly private everywhere. And they live a life of, luxury, but their whole thing is just to hose people into thinking that they're like grinding it out trying to get by. I find that to be so much more like deliberate and misleading that you're like, you're not this guy, dude.

You're just trying to lie. Like, you're lying to everybody. You're lying. Yeah. You're putting on a costume. My favorite guy is this guy. All right. I got to go on stage.

Oh, right. Here, hold that for me. Hold that. And what? Wait, what are you doing? They can't see that, man. You know what he's saying when he does that? You know what he's saying?

They're fucking so stupid. Yeah. These 20,000 people in this room are so stupid that if they see that, man, I got to deal with how dumb they are. Yeah, exactly. And that's not respecting your audience. Dude, I... No, it's not.

It's totally... It's not respecting your audience. And I'm not saying, look, whatever, put anyone's name in this you want that you think is the guy. It's not the one you think. But I will say, and I've caught in shit for you. this and I said it to Eliza one time. Eliza said, don't ever tell anyone you've flown private.

And I went, no, I'm not going to do that. Because my negotiation with an audience is that I will try to be as honest as I can to make it funny or to be as real. I want you to witness every change I go through so that when you see me on stage, you know you're still talking to the guy you fucking met who went to Rogan's house fucking 15 years ago

and told the machine story. And like that, the person I am today. they thought was the first and last time. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, he'll never tell this again. What a great story. And you're like, funny that you say that. I'm going to do it 20,000 times. But probably. Probably we got the award. Probably over 16,000. Probably over 16. Yeah. But, but it's so funny because it's, it really is like you want to stay true to your fans. As you change, you, No one thinks that, let's just use jokes, he's a safe thing. No one thinks Joe's the same guy that he was when he first started working at UFC or when he first started the podcast.

Joe's changed a ton. And I don't think he's ever not owned it. He now hunts. He now takes hunting trips. He's done podcasts on private jets from a hunting trip that I've listened to. Joe's been very honest about every part of who he is. And there's huge parts of Joe that haven't changed at all. Listen, I've been honest with my testosterone use, my manjaro, my anxiety, my drink.

Well, not totally honest with my drinking, but, you know, I try to be as honest with the things that matter. Yeah. And so I just find it so comical that like, that, I don't know, whatever. I just want to break some more records. Yeah, that's really what it's about, man. And I really think your idea, first of all, I really do legitimately think you could. Lost this situation. One comic, no way out.

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That's B-A-B-B-B-E-L.com slash bears for up to 60% off rules and restrictions may apply. You really could, you could break the, like legitimately break the time on stage set record. You could do that one. You could definitely do that. I could do, I mean, okay, listen, I'm not going to break Shane's record. I'll break one of them. I'm not going to break. I'm not going to break.

It's so hard. Even as a joke, you couldn't move 77,000 tickets. I mean, as a bit, what I'd have to do is I'd have to do, what's the attendance of Raymond James? What's the, what is the seat? Because I could get Raymond James. Tampa's my one move, right? And then I say, I'll match the gate and I'll donate it to charity.

So for special events, they can do $75,000. You can be right there. You can be right there, dude. but no one's fucking making a placard for 75,000, Tom. I need that placard. I know. Well, you went to FSU? What's Doke Campbell?

Doe Campbell Stadium. Doke Campbell Stadium. Doke Campbell Stadium. Do you A-K. Yeah, that one. Joe Campbell. Shit. Oh, for special events?

For special events, what? 79? Yeah, 79 to 82. That means I got every box is full, every fucking really got a fucking you're gonna have to know you're gonna have to go to a different different stadium dude it's not gonna work like this i can't do it i can't do it i just gainsville no oh the swamp that would that holds more that holds a lot that holds like a hundred i think 90 or 90 plus oh um i mean it is centrally located you know

florida is your move so what but what would the move be i'll i'll match the proceeds of the thing and then donate them to charity, right? Yeah. Yeah, but you're not going to do it in Michigan, dude. I'm not going to Michigan. No. I had a hard time telling the Fox last time. Wait, keep scrolling down.

Ohio Stadium. Yeah, that'd be pretty rad. Hmm. Right. That's pretty fucking, man, I'm trying to get you. It's got to be in Florida, dude. What does the swamp hold? I think it's 90.

Really? Yeah, I think so. So, I mean, you know, you'd have to have some opening remarks about why you're there at the enemy's territory. I will say, I will say that University of Florida, and I probably shouldn't say this out loud, but they asked me to come. 88. Oh, okay. I got to do it at University of Florida. Ben Hill, Griffin Stadium.

Yeah. They asked you to come out. They asked me to come out. And I didn't really read the whole offer. It just, it didn't time out. I couldn't do it. Oh, okay. I wanted to.

They wanted to me to moderate a classroom about comedy and marketing, I think. I didn't read the whole offer. And I almost did it, but it was like, I think, oh, I think it was today. And Leanne's birthday is today. Oh. And so I know 50s, I want to throw all up. And so it was today, so I would have missed Leanne's birthday, but it was like, I would have been great. I love that shit.

Yeah, that would been awesome. Oh, fucking great. The, um, but, but I love you, Stabi. And I love the, and I got to say this, because I know that like, these things are great because it gets the comment sections going. And like, people are losing their mind and they're going like, you know, like, oh, how dare you talk like that, Stavi? I missed it.

And then other people like, fuck, yeah, Stavi. That you're a man of the people. This is that. That's good for comedy. It gets people in the comments arguing. Um, I got to say. I love this, I love, I love, I love that Stabi talks like that. I love that, that's what I love about Stavi is he fucking,

saying, he can't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. No, that's great. And even if he was talking about, which we think he was talking about you, even if he was talking about you, which is, I'm pretty sure who was talking about. Okay. I'm cool with him talking about my buddy like that. I'm fine with it. I'm totally fine. Okay. I promise you, I am the least bothered person.

it's not offending me at all. So I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you two stories. And we may have to edit these out. Oh, good. But, but so last night I turned on David Spade and Theo Vaughn's movie. Yeah, bus boys. Bus boys.

Yeah. I have to say this. It may be the greatest piece of art that I've ever seen in my entire life. Really? Yes. I've not seen it. And I'll tell you why. First of all, when they, it holds true to no rules at all.

Like it is very clearly, and I'm pretty sure Theo wrote it entirely. I only say that because it is Theo's fucking brain. Yeah. I think they brought it together, right? Pretty sure. It's got Theo thumbprints all over it. Okay. And I'll tell you why.

And this is, first of all, you should not watch this sober. Do not watch it sober. And do not watch it with an expectation of what you believe a movie to be. Okay? What you believe a movie to be? Yes, that's what's great about this. And I want you to know I'm not being ironic and I just want to be very clear. Okay.

Sometimes when I watch a movie, I feel like AI wrote it, right? Sometimes when you watch a movie, you feel like it's got screenwriters, think fingerprints all over it. Wow. Guys in the car. Hey, what's up, hon? I'm coming home right after my big meeting where I'm closing the deal. And when I close the deal, we're getting married. and everything's going to be great.

That's our first act, right? Yeah. And then he meets her and then everything falls apart. And then all of a sudden he's, and then the second act is this, oh, I got to go to the, now I got to go on, on the fishing trip with the boss. And let's hope, oh, my God, his son is this. And all these character developments and structure that we know to be a movie, it has none of that.

There's no structure. There's zero structure. Fucking 36 minutes in, and I'm not certain if we're in the first And I have to tell you, I have to tell you, as a guy who's watched a lot of comedy movies, it is quite refreshing. It really is. There is, and you have to get a little high to watch it. And when they get you laughing, when the two of them are in the car together, when the two of them have a scene together,

when the two of them, or when they write for one of our friends, it is so fucking thinly veiled that it is hysterical. I almost feel like they made it just for their friends. Well, now you're making it. Now I really want to see it. You've got me. It's so good. It's so good.

Now listen, do not, do not dare go into this and go, I will be watching something about a protagonist who within the first 15 minutes, I know who he is. I know what his goals are. Do not look for that. Got it. So I'm 36 minutes. I mean, I'm at, when I...

This is a hell of a review for 36 minutes of a movie. Yeah. But no, but I, I'm excited to finish it because, like, dude, they do things that are so... And they have to... I wish they would have said this a little more. Uh-huh. I wish they had said... I wish they had promoted this a little bit more like this because I know them and I got it.

But, like, there's a scene... A spoiler alert, if you've seen the movie or... we've read the book. There's a scene where the waiter brings out hot plates, okay? Yeah. It's so stupid. It's brilliant. It's so fucking, but you've got to remember, man, this is why I laughed so hard.

It is David Spade doing this. David Spade is, inarguably one of our best comedic actors will ever have known. He's crazy underrated how fun that guy is. He's so fucking funny. Tom, Tom, I'm going to spoil it for you. They bring out a hot plate and the guy comes out and he goes, hey, hot plate, hot plate, hot, oh, way over the top, way over the top, hot plate, hot plate. And then he puts it on David Spade's hands. And David Spade's like, what the fuck? And he goes, hey, I said a hot plate. And then he walks away. And then he comes out again, hot plate, a hot plate, a hot plate. And he puts it on David Spade's hands. David Spade's like, what the fuck?

And he goes, hey, I set a hot plate. And then he comes in, he goes, cold bowl, cold bowl. And he puts it on his forehead. And you're like, what the fuck am I watching? I am crying, laughing. Because in the next scene, David Spade has a scar on his face. Dude, when they kill a million bunnies. A what?

A million bunnies? If this should, and not, listen. Just keep in mind, guys, this is 36 minutes in. the rest of the movie and by the way there's still an hour left of this movie yeah yeah yeah this is a movie

I wouldn't sit and watch the whole thing at once I would take it in bites the cast is insane too the cast is great the cast is awesome Chris cabin boy Chris Chris uh

Chris Elliott's in it yeah Chris Elliott Chris Elliott's in it and you know can I tell you that he's very early in the thing yeah now one of my favorite movies is

Cabin Boy, one of my favorite TV shows is life, was it, Life Goes On? Get a Life, Get a Life. Do you remember Get a Life with Chris Elliott? Dude, that is, this movie is kind of an homage to that sense of humor. Yeah. It is definitely Get a Life. Get a Life was one of the most ridiculous TV shows ever. And Cabin Boy was ridiculous.

It was so funny. This movie is ridiculous. And it's on... Speaking of Hulu. It's on Hulu? It's on Hulu. and it's streaming number one on Hulu right now. Check it out.

It's called Bus Boys. They are my friends. And I'm telling you, get high with your boys and lower your expectations. Just go into laugh. Just go into laugh. Speaking of ridiculous and hilarious movies, I finally saw The Odyssey. And you were right. It was laugh out loud.

It was so fun. No, but I finally saw what it's, it feels, that's a movie that you are actually weird and out of it. if you don't see it because it's a cultural phenomenon. Like it is breaking records. And it's kind of like the only thing that I thought was actually strange because I give the guy amazing credit for taking, you know, an epic tale like this and actually getting it into a three-hour movie because he has what would be chapters of this story in a three-minute scene.

And he's doing it in a way that like, you know, you do understand what's happening. You can follow the story. And he's making the dialogue relatable. And the performance, everything's great. I mean, visually, it's stunning. The only thing I thought was weird. Oh, the transgender casting, go ahead, say it.

No, no, I just didn't know. I felt like. The black lady, go ahead, say it. That was it, actually. No, the thing that was, I thought strange is like, I don't think you needed, I mean, it's a choice, obviously, to cast so many stars for a story like this.

I don't think it was like to the, like I don't walk away, like I understand having like a notable lead or two, but the fact that you fill it with stars, I don't think actually served the story. So the Odyssey was great. I'd say great. Now listen, now hold on.

And this is what I want to say to you. Before we address the fact that we are about to make our own Odyssey with Mountain Dew, I'm going to say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I want to say, and maybe we should address that and then come back to the to the fact that and I'm just putting this out there as as something you guys can fight about in the comments or we can

or you're listening you can argue with you and us in your head is it that no one goes to the movies no I feel like people are showing up for the Odyssey because it's like finally mom cooked a good dinner you know yes I mean This has been an amazing year for the box office. Like what we've seen is everybody was talking about movies are done, movies are done. And it was like the only thing that was doing well was franchises and like superhero stuff. And everyone's like, that's what the theater is for now.

It was like kind of a bummer for a lot of people. And so this is your big ticket one that has really panned out. Like it was a $250 million movie. It's like over 700 million right now. And it's going to project it to do like $1.3 billion, which is phenomenal. And let's just be clear. Their budget was like, I think their budget is like a billion dollars. No, it's a lot, but it's not a lot.

It's not a billion. It's like, dude, pull a fucking Harvey Cormack. What's the kid's name, Harvey Cormack who did obsession? Curry Barker. Harvey Barker? Harvey Barker? Curry Barker? Curry Barker, who did obsession.

That was made for $750,000. $750,000. Yeah. And by the way, if I talk to a man to man, I'd nudge him and go, I caught the $750 a couple times. Well, yeah. I mean, he did what he did what he did. I was like, I watched it. The movie's incredible. The kid's a fucking genius. Yeah. He's a comedy guy too. But like at a billion dollars, I nudged him. Well, hold on. Let's go, let's go back to this. Let's go back to this. Bookmark this, Parker. But let's let's, let's, uh, yeah, Barker, B-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-A-R-B-A-A-R.

That's exactly right. Let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, discuss our mountain do because we have to say this for mountain do we asked you to submit and we got hundreds of submissions some of which you did not listen to what we said and we cannot share them watch those i know but we got some that are fun that um you know are friendly enough to associate with the brand so do you want to read some of what was sent to us i feel like i should probably take the first sure let me just finish this mountain dew i thought i i i drive drank so much Mountain Dew this summer. Yeah.

Because they sent me cases and I did not let down. I drank Mountain Dews every day at like 7 o'clock when we started getting into the night. Guess who I found out is a huge Mountain Dew fan. Ooh, let me guess. Is he black or white? Neither. Oh, is it Aziz Ansari? Nope.

It's a woman. Is it Padma Lakshah? Chara. My mom. Are you serious? Yeah. Big. No way.

Big. And I did not know. She loves Mountain Dew. I'm like, Charo, really? Yes. Yeah. Mountain Dew so. I mean, look, they are sponsoring us.

She's from the jungle. It kind of makes sense. But like, yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah. All right, let's talk about our, let's talk about our Mountain Dew. And then we get back to movies. Yes, yes.

Okay. So here's the first one. This is submitted from Alexander C. I love that they wrote like a treatment for it. Here we go. I love this. Alexander. See, I kind of want you to direct it.

It says it opens up. Full Harvey Cormack on us. It opens up with complete silence. A bald eagle lands on the hood of an old pickup truck. The camera slowly zims in, a voiceover whispers. Some people drink soda. Suddenly, a can of Mountain Dew cracks open. Everything instantly goes absolutely insane.

A guy backflips off a monster truck. Someone launches a riding lawnmower over a barbecue, while burgers fly through the air in slow motion. Two dudes in American flag speedos drink Mountain Dew on top of a moving Combine Harvester, fireworks start going off. Even though it's the middle of the day, a marching band appears out of nowhere playing the national anthem at full volume. A grandma runs through a cloud of red, white, and blue smoke while screaming,

let's go. A guy wrestles an inflatable vault eagle that's somehow 30 feet tall. Someone catches a hot dog thrown from a helicopter. Every explosion is immediately followed by another bigger explosion for absolutely no reason. A monster truck crushes a tiny electric scooter in slow motion. While an eagle screeches overhead, a man grills a stake with a flamethrower and casually nods at the camera. The music keeps getting more ridiculous. In the middle of all the chaos, Bert is laughing so hard he can't breathe.

Tom just stares into the camera, completely expressionless, and says, yeah, this tracks. Everything freezes. The Mountain Ducan spins toward the camera. Q1, final unnecessary explosion, fade to green. By the way, Alexander C. He dipped into your mind. He crushed. That's a fever dream right there.

That's an American fever dream. It's also like a regular Burt dream. I love it. I love that. I love these treatments. These are really great. This was a great idea. Whose idea was this?

That was Alexander C. No, the idea to do this. Burke Kreischer. There you go. Burkrecher. Do you want to read Freaky Friday Bears from Jake K? Oh, you want me to read it. You read it.

I'm not going to read it. Okay, the roles. Tom is Bert. Oh, I love this already. The over the top version of Bert, grill master instead of smoke while he is grilling its red, white, and blue fireworks shooting up. Bert is playing Tom, a nerdy-ass smart guy, Tom. We see him setting something up with electronics and looking extra nerdy and smart,

which will be Bert's toughest role yet. I love this. I love this. The scene is a backyard summer on the lake. Dron-style shot comes in on all-American summer party at the lake scene. Everyone's getting hot dogs and drinking dew. There are coolers in the scene on the lawn, but nobody gets the dues from the coolers. Instead, they are just being found from the most random places.

in the scene. Example, a big American flag on a flagpole, but wait, the flagpole has a latch door and it's stocked with Mountain Dew. Someone's riding a jet ski. They park it on the beach, open up the hood instead of an engine. It's just stocked with ice cold dew. We cut from the summer day scene to the sun mostly set and the party winding down. Bert character, Tom, comes in at the end with goggles on. He's been working on a big drone display to make a drone American do art in the sky while fireworks explode. This is mostly just to keep Bert out of 90% of the real so it can run smoothly. Well, we're going to pass on that.

Next one. You were really into it for a minute. Guy cannot read a room to save his fucking life. I know, you can't. I have to say, I really dig that one, man. Yeah. I love that he described you as the nerdy-ass smart guy. I just, it's ridiculous.

All right. He does not know who you are. Meet Sweat's Dream by Kyle G. So Fourth of July, you both. Maybe it's sweet stream. Oh, you might like this one. both or in parentheses or just Burt. Enter the hot dog eating contest. You're completely, you're competing against all the greats, including the current champ, Joey Chestnut, if not

Tom. Bert wins, but not by a small margin. He absolutely destroys the competition, complete domination. But after the event, Bert is hit with extreme meat sweats. And in his delirium, he imagines everything USA. We had a baseball game in full body paint, red, white, and dew, slamming hot dogs and mountain dew. The coach asked him to pinch hit because it's Burt. He blasts a home run out of the park. The ball turns into an eagle on the way out of the stadium. Fireworks. The eagle turns into Burt.

He flies over America and sees people doing USA shit, monster trucks, Statue, Liberty, Vegas, football, UFC, backyard wrestling. The ball lands in his backyard where his family is celebrating Fourth of July. Tom cracks open a mountain dew, which brings Bert back to reality, the end. Okay, I like that one. I like that one. But once again, I feel like we needed it to be a tad bit more manageable production-wise. Yeah, that one's like a fucking.

Odyssey budget. These guys are like when people pitch us movies and they're like, actually, and you and then you're like, well, I don't have a hundred million dollars to make this. Yeah. We're making it for Harvey Moore Cormac budgets. Right. Here's another one, car wash. Tom and Bert are working at a car wash that is packed with customers.

Bird is wearing Mountain Dew short shorts while pouring soapy water on windshields. Upbeat summer party music is. blasting while patrons beg Bert to wash their car. Tom works at a lemonade stand in the same parking lot selling cups of Mountain Dew across the street and other car wash with models are completely empty. The girls there are frustrated. One of the girls, the girls throws a sign in anger. The ad ends with a hero shot of a can of Mountain Dew on the table in the foreground in the background out of focus. The models have now joined Tom and Bert's car wash. This is an easier one to produce for Sure. I like this a lot because it's a, it's a formulaic commercial. Car wash. People are going crazy. They're loving our car wash. They don't realize we're giving out mountain dues. Models are across the street. No one's there. It's a throwback ad. SUDC. Yeah. I really like that. That's a good one. That's a really great commercial. Thank you, Danielle. Danielle, nice shot. No one's fighting a huge 12-foot eagle. Yeah. Maybe we could throw an eagle in there. CGI it. I like it.

Yeah. Is there another one? There's one more. All right, Bert. I need you to focus. Tell me if this is the one. Okay. Okay. It's a Mountain Dews sizzle wheel. A bunch of boys hanging out in Daytona Beach and lawn chairs with their trucks, blasting music, tossing the football around, sipping on cans that look like beers. Okay, we're stopping right there. We're going to stop right there. Very manageable. Keep going. A cop walks over, looks at the cans and says, you boys out here, you boys drinking out here? One of us nervously replies, uh, then the other guy cuts in. This isn't a beer officer. The cop pauses. It's an ice cold, refreshing mountain dew. The cop looks at the can, shrugs, cracks open his own mountain dew and says, carry on. Cut to everyone cheering, including cops, cracking open mountain doos, enjoying the ultimate American summer day. Simple, funny, and feels like something that could actually happen. Thanks for considering Cody.

This tickles you. What's, what is? It's only lacking. Fun? It's just, it's like something that could just happen. Yeah, it's just there's just, he's. just like, is that a beer? We're like, no. He's like, all right. That's the idea. Are you drinking beer? No. No, it's Mountain Dew and the cop goes, oh, my bad.

My bad. And then he just keeps walking. He walks away. I love it. I love it. The most anti-climatic commercial. We could do a series of these. We could do a series, yeah. A library. And the library goes, shh. And he goes, sorry, I'm drinking a Mountain Dew.

He goes, I didn't know. I didn't know. you like that or we could be at a baseball game and the guy comes by and we're like can we get a beer he's like i only have mountain dune we're like we'll take that and then end of commercial oh we'll take what you have that's so fun why is that so funny to me it's just it's like the buildup and then nothing to happen yeah that's really funny you could have someone at a dinner party you know come to your place dude i would love a cocktail and you're like i only have mountain dew and they're like okay end of commercial there you go i think we have to go with the

simple one. I like this. I think it's the best one. I mean, I think that really is my favorite one and really put some production value into it. I really think that's a brilliant fucking idea. Why is that make me laugh so hard? I mean, the other one's great, but this is so... It's because there's no actual turn. That's what's making you laugh. He's just like, that's all you, is that it? And you're like, yeah, he's like, all right. Hold on. Who are we casting us the cop? We should get a great actor. So you get like a really good actor. We should get a really good actor. We should get a really great actor to play the cop. John Barrenthal.

John Barrenthal. Do you think John Barrenthal would do it? I mean, you can always ask. That's what they say. You can always ask. If you get John Baranthal to play the cop. Yeah. He's played tops before.

He's a great fucking cop. Phenomenal. Tough. Phyllis. Yeah. Yeah. Let's get, let's, let's get a fucking really great.

John Barenthal. Imagine that guy right there. Like, your boy's drinking beer? And you're like, no, it's Mountain Dew. No, and our answers are like this. Like, get into character. I want to hear you know. Okay.

Okay. I'll go, I'll be John Baranthal. Okay. Hey. You, uh, you drinking beer? No, this is Mountain Dew. Oh, so good. It's already fucking brilliant.

I mean, it's just, it does, this needs nothing. Yeah. I love this. I'm pulled over. It could be pulled over. Oh, dude, there's a series of these. Yeah. Just like walks up to the window.

You'd be. been drinking like just mountain dew all right yeah that's it end of the commercial bang out hundreds of these yeah all we need the cop uniform in a mountain do yeah so easy cops show up at the house we heard uh we got a report of some loud noise from here you guys been drinking mountain dew all right uh all right have a good night and these walk away fool me once They just walk away. Yeah. Yeah, that's a hit.

That's the one to go with. These are hits. These are hits. We have to push. This is the one we're going. We're just going with like, are you drinking? No, this is Mountain Dew. And he goes, carry on.

And that's it. Cut to black. Everyone's like, is that the commercial? Yeah. We got it, guys. We got it. We got it. Oh, send your submissions, by the way, to two bears one cave at gmail.com.

That's the number two, the word bears, the number one. the word cave at gmail.com. That's where you send your great American summer memories. The next episode, we're going to go through your submissions, and we will pull out, and by the way, if you have a really horrible idea, send that to us as well, and we will then highlight that and say, oh, that's not what we can do, but we do enjoy it. Making us laugh is the goal.

Yes, please, please try to make us laugh. Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American original, tasting great since 48. Can I tell you something that I did? not like and I didn't realize until afterwards and I know. Yeah, I don't think you needed this cat, like the cast, I was like, why do you have? Wait, what? Travis Scott. Who the fuck is Travis Scott? You don't remember him? He's the first actor.

No, I know who Travis Scott is. He's guys, the sneakers. You're right. And in the movie, he's like, these are my new drops. And then he does the, dung, like hitting the floor with the big post, you know, the big, whatever it is. That's Travis Scott. Hold on. You know what? What? All right, I'd like to change my opinion.

I now officially hate The Odyssey. Why what happened? That's Travis Scott. That's Travis Scott, yeah. Why? Well, the whole thing is why. That's my point. Why?

Wait, hold on. Why do you have? I actually think it takes away from some of the story that you're like. I just thought it was a, oh, man. But why do you have Charlie's there on screen for eight minutes? Like, that should be, I don't know. I feel like that's a distract. She looks amazing.

She looks so good. And by the way, She's a great actress. You forget, you forget all our stars that were, and I say ours, but our age stars. Charlie's Theron, Cameron Diaz, fucking Uma. We had the best actresses ever. Charlie's over 50, right? She looks horrible.

Yeah. She's got to be, and she looks incredible. If she's 56, I'm going to punch Leanne tonight. She's 51. She's 51. Okay, good. Thank God. Yeah.

She's just turned 51. Thank God. You were going to punch Leanne? Oh, fucking. and put a picture of Charlie's Theron on my fit. I shouldn't say that. I know that that's going to get clipped out. That's all right.

Let it go. Wait, Pedro Pascal is in it? Where? That's John Leguizamo. That does look like Pedro. Pedro Pascal's gay. Yeah. Did you know what I'm?

Yeah. You knew that? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. You didn't think that was well known for a while? I just found out the other day. Yeah. Yeah, he's gay.

um leguzonamo is fantastic in the movie though no can i tell you who's great he's so fucking good in this movie himesh patel is my favorite him mesh petel him mesh petel oh yeah yeah he was great he was i sent him a dm by the way losing his hair and it didn't i didn't pull me out of like losing his hair did not pull me out i love that his hair loss look kind of kind of cool uh huh right uh dude hits all the markers for me is like like clearly and I hope this doesn't come off insensitive Indian dude

in the middle of this Greek Trojan war Indian guy No I never thought of it didn't pull me out of it Any should have pulled me out of it culturally I should say Watch and I go where the fuck did the Indian guy come from Uh huh no I never thought that Greece we're talking about Greece

We're talking about wait there's a black guy We're talking about Greece Yep yep yep But it didn't pull me out. I didn't do that. I said, I said, I liked this guy a lot. And by the way, he's got a British accent, didn't use it, I think. Great.

And you know what movies? You know what other movie was in? What? The sing a song, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing. Sing sing, sing, the one with the prison? What was the movie? Sing, sing, sing a song. Sing, sing, sing a song.

Yesterday, that's it. Oh. What? Okay. Oh, yeah. He was yesterday. He was great actor, man. There's a great performances.

My favorite actor is in the movie and he crushed it, John Berenthal. Natman. That's what I call him. Fucking, what are you? Natman? Natman, yeah. No, he was great in it. He's always so intense.

Everything is so goddamn intense with him. But I really thought Leguizamo was really fantastic in it. Leguizamo was fucking great. You know, I think people sleep on just how great of a talent, all around talent he is. When everyone was doing HBO specials, he did. a one-man show. Do you remember that? Of course. Of course. Yeah, he was the one that was like, he was the Latino voice that was bringing to you like the characters that he grew up around. Like people and it was like,

yeah, it was and he was, he's an incredible character actor. He was really great man. One of my one thing I think of all the time is I think he was in a movie Summer of Sam or was it was he in he was the cop in Summer of Sam right? Son of Sam. No, but. What was the, he was in? Was it called Summer of Sam? Son of Sam, maybe. Oh, Summer of Sam, you're right. Summer of Sam.

About Son of Sam, yeah. And there was a line in there. He's fucking a girl in the ass in the back of a car. And he goes, and she says to him, aren't you married? And he goes, yeah, I don't do this to my wife. She's not a whore. That's a great one to remember. Isn't that crazy?

The things I remember. That's crazy. That crazy. line. Is that wild? Yeah. That's great. Can I say this real quick?

Yeah. Random porosos plug. I've got to say this. Porosos, people of Florida, is now in Frenches. One of my favorite bars that I grew up going to is at Frenches. Now, there are five Frenchies. They're all over. The one I'm talking about on Clearwater Beach,

you can put your toes in the sand, feed the seagulls, have a group or sandwich, and get a glass of porosos and soda at Frenches in Clearwater Beach. If you do, please tag me in that photo. Send me a picture of you with a glass of Porosos with the sunset. The sunsets beautifully from the seats at Frenches in Clearwater Beach. I am so excited. Porosos is in Clearwater Beach. A shout out, first of all, to your hometown, to Tampa and to McDill Air Force Base

for a couple weeks ago. Like, we went all over the city. We did stores. We did bars. And then we rounded it up by doing McDill Air Force Base. And it was hundreds of people. Thank you so much to the base and to all you that came out. It was a really, really fun experience.

I just wanted to say thank you all very much. Yeah. That was awesome. That was great. And I think I second Tom when I say the sexiest thing in the world is a black woman in uniform. And I said it first. I said it to you. And then you just agreed.

But then I took your agreeance. I agreed with you. Yeah, thanks so much, man. Yeah. That's, it's,

it's fucking. There is nothing sexier than a black woman in fatigues. It is. Yeah. I mean, I know right now

there's a, do you know what I did after that, Tom? I drove around the military base. Oh. I drove around it. Yeah,

you have access to everything. It's a huge base. Dude, you can go up to their homes, like the colonel's homes. Did you do that? Yes. Yeah.

Did you walk up and knock on the door? No, I didn't knock on the door about you could, You could, you could have. Yeah, so it's incredible. The base is, people don't, I mean, you have no reason to understand if you've never been that a base is just a city with like security clearance.

It's a whole fucking city. It has everything. Some of them have schools on them and stores and everything is right there on base. It's enormous. I was blown away at the fact that my assistant Kyle was a high-ranking officer in the army. Yeah. And that had he not gotten injured and he stayed in the army, I would have respected him. And you'd no longer feel that way.

I know, no, now I don't respect him at all. I remember I try to get the lieutenant to make Kyle to do push-ups. Yeah, he was like, I'm not doing that. And then Kyle was like, Kyle was explaining to me. No, do you understand, like I was pretty high up in the military? And it's so crazy that it's almost like, it's almost like looking at things in a different perspective is like Kyle is that guy's age. And that guy walked in And it was like, I was an officer

And we were like, you kind of have enlisted energy though Yeah, right? Oh. Yeah. And then and then and then he You could see like he stood different. Like the second he got around that he got stood different. I mean, I respect Kyle.

I don't disrespect Kyle. But but it's like I don't look at him the way that guy came in and I was like, yes, sir. No sir. And he's younger than me. Yeah. And then the one that was retiring, the beautiful sergeant, whatever. Yeah. She was, like I respected her.

And then I looked at Kyle and Kyle was one of their peers. Yeah. And I was like, get me a soda? Yeah. He was like. Yeah, you treat him real cool, man. But it's so crazy. Yeah, it's pretty wild.

It's wild. He was, he was in it, man. Didn't he? Was he in combat? I forget. No. No. No.

Okay. No. Remember. He, he, uh, He, uh, he, he ran like, he was in charge of like, fucking like a thousand dudes or a thousand people. That's pretty impressive, man. Who do you think has the sexist, sexiest military? The sexiest?

Yeah. Like, top to bottom. Like, real quick. Oh, I think it would be, I think it's clear. Isn't it in Brunei where he's got like all dimes, like guarding him? Isn't that? It's one of these guys in Asia who his, his, like, security is like, All female.

Pull it up. I'm pretty sure. If it's not Brunei, we can find it. But it's pretty funny. If he's got all dimes guarding him, he can get touched. Yeah, I know. Fucking, come on. I'm almost certain of this.

Is somebody pulling it up? I will haymake my way through a fucking gang of dimes. Well, I think they're pretty serious, though. Chicks. I think, dude. What percentage of women do you think you could beat up? A lot. In the world.

In the world. Do you think you beat up Sophia Cunningham? Clark? Sophia Clark. The basketball player? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. She's pretty bad bitch.

Yeah, but you could beat her in a fight, dude. She's like a judo champion or something. Is she? I don't know. Oh. I think for the most part, you could probably handle most women, with the exception of there's some real fucking animals out there. Always, there's a few.

And then, well, now, I'm separating that. saying in the in gen pop there's some psycho women that you know are incredibly violent and that could incredibly violent yeah there's some and there and size wise like powerful and then like once you get into train fighters some of them could for sure fuck you up so percentage of women do you think you could beat up 90% oh it was Gaddafi right was it Gaddafi yeah but did is brunai not do whoa whoa look at this fucking military that's what I'm saying he used to do this amazonian guard They guard Amazon.com? This is, oh boy.

This was, that was awful. It was him and his bodyguards. That's right. So does Brunei do that? They have female guards and military, but they don't look like them. Okay. You're like, we checked and it's not like this. Yeah, but come on.

That was his thing. He always had chicks with him. That's hilarious. And it's Gaddafi, man. Rest in peace. He was a great guy. He was responsible for Pan Am, the Pan Am bombing. Oh, yeah, other than that, sorry. Take that, I meant he had a good heart before then. Dude, I didn't realize, have you seen that doc on Netflix, the Pan Am bombing? No, is it good? That plane, it's, it's, it's most miniseries, but that plane landed on Lockerbie, like the village and killed people in the village.

Like it landed on houses. I did not realize that. You always think about like airplane crashes. In fields and stuff? In fields. And this one landed in a village. And by the way, they show the footage. And it's like there's a dead dude in a field in his chair.

Like that's not real footage. It's obviously stayed. But. And then I thought to myself, because this is how beautiful it is to have my brain these days, what would you rather, if you're going to do, in a plane crash, right? Okay. Where would you rather die in a field, in a village, or at sea?

If you're going to die in a crash? Yeah. Well. Because basically I'm talking about, because there's another great talk on Netflix about the Dreamliner, this 787. And they show the Swiss air that died in the fucking water, Tom. Yeah. And they had dudes in scuba diving, like, bell helmets going down

and they show the, how terrifying do you think that job is to put on a bell helmet, go to what I, I'm with that kind of auction, I guess you're going to like fucking 100 meters under the ground, under the water. Yeah. And then seeing bodies in their seats so that you can find the black box sitting between two pilots that are like. No, I think you probably don't want to go out like that, like that. Mostly because, too, like, there's also chances that no one ever recovers you and like, you know,

your family would never get the call they'd be like we think he's down there so it's probably better to die in the field the field yeah i think the field that's what that's what you think about yeah so crazy do you see have you ever watched it's a couple it's a couple years old but i just decided to watch chimp empire did you ever see that i've never seen chimp empire it's so fucking amazing it is the best reality show you have ever seen in your life and it is so close to, you know, it's right there with human behavior. Like, you're watching it and you're like, oh, yeah, that's, that's that guy. Like you, you see the loner, you see the asshole, you see the exhausted mother, you see them all.

And you think that the camera, I didn't, I looked it up, obviously, you're like, oh, what kind of, I don't understand how this is being shot. Like, are these drone cameras? It's just guys out there handheld cameras and chimps going berserk around. You're like, this is. And the only reason the chimps didn't rip them apart is because these particular chimps have been studied by humans for 25 years. So they're used to a human present. Dude, the biggest chimp in recorded history is in this group, okay?

This fucking absolute just Hulk like chimp. And they're, yeah, all the time, they're just like, going crazy. And the guys are just like fucking standing there filming this shit. It's nuts. And it's such an incredible story. It's such a no-brainer, right? So as you make reality shows, and as someone who casted a reality show, meaning like on trip flip, we would cast it.

You'd find them. And it was the dumber the people, the better the show you would get. Oh, yeah. And this is like a bunch of dumb people in it. And they're like, why take, let's get the person out of it. Let's take the dumbest, let's go to Chimp. Why even have them put mics on? Just take chimps.

It's so great. It's so. I can't wait to watch it. And do they date each other and then they blow a candle out? It has everything. It has courting, romance, children being born, incredible, like, territorial fights, war with another group. It has violence. Yes, it has everything.

Chimp Empire. It's the best. And it's a couple years old, but I just watched it. I was like, this is the best thing I've ever seen. It's so good. I want to know this, by the way. Can you look this up, guys? Because they got to keep studying this group.

Just say, like, who is the new alpha in the central group? That's the question. I want to know who replaced Jackson. I got to know. Let's see. Do they have an answer? I'm assuming they would know. Abrams.

Of course. Of course. Are you spoiling this for me? Who cares? You won't remember any of this. Chimp Empire. It's so fantastic. And yes, if you hadn't watched it, I just ruined a really central storyline.

And I feel bad I ruined a lot of Bus Boy's storylines. I think we all got it. I think we got it. We're good. We can still watch it. Yeah. This is fucking so exciting. You're going to love this, dude.

I can't wait. I can't wait. I'm going to watch it today. I got a big thing planned for Leanne's birthday. Yeah. I got the girls. I got girls and Leanne are getting massages. I'm going to meet up with them a little bit. I think my drink-in's back to like regular again. Is it? It's, well, you saw it. It's still muted a little bit, but it's getting close. We're getting close. That's awesome, dude. And then we got a concert tomorrow. We're going to see Mount Joy. It's a part band. It's a great band. It's like, Do you remember that band I played you in the in the in the van? I do I do yes you like them didn't you yeah and you got you found another parallel band? I find that's all I do I'm a tastemaker.

Your taste maker. I wouldn't be shocked at Guinness called me where are you going to see the band? Uh, at the Greek. Oh great. Yeah. It's one of the best. Yeah, it's one of the best venues. Yeah, that's awesome.

I just went to the Hollywood Bowl and saw um and saw black crowning crows. No, counting black crow. Black counting crows. Black crows. I saw black crows. Black crows. God damn, yeah, black crows. Yeah, how was it?

I was fine. Chris Robinson might be our last true rock star. I saw them in concert 25 years ago. Dude. In Charlotte. Still is good. And I remember that he yelled at the crowd. Yeah.

Because people were, some people were sitting. He's like, you're not watching fucking television. Stand up. I love it. It was awesome. It was great. was great. I love it. I saw him and he was in total rock star mode. I went back to, not backstage, but to the after party. Yeah. And he was listening to some fucking avant-garde. You know,

it's not to go back to busboys, but something that only he got. Like, you know, like it was like an old school 1970s from like deep in the purple gang, like a Laurel Canyon style of L.A. rock star song and he was dancing and wasn't drinking just dancing and i went up and i was like hey thanks for having us and he just dancing and smiling gave me a hug and was like hey bird i yeah you got to check this out ow ow ow and i was like wow man like you know rock stars aren't dead like that's the beauty of like when you go to like a rock concert in l a everyone's got bangled bracelets on and they got like They got like an outfit and they got a look and a vibe. And you got the dude that's 65s who's probably sober smoking a cigar outside.

Like everyone, it's kind of sexy. Like stand-ups, you know, stand-up is, stand-up tried to take the reins of rock and roll, I think, for a period of time. But, man, you're never going to beat rock stars. Aging rock stars. Did you watch the fucking New York Times interview with Mick Jagger? No. It's so fucking good.

No Times is killing it with their interviews. Stobby, Mc Jagger, who's next? The McChagger ones, it's great. He's so candid and it's great. Oh, oh, yes. Wait, is this where they were like, where they were like, they asked him something about

something like an average person would answer and he's like, yeah, I don't know. Like a Mick Jagger. Yeah, probably. I don't know. They had this really great take on fame. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the take?

Can you play the clip? For people that haven't seen it, can you play the clip? I want to see it. I think I saw a bit of it on Instagram. Yeah, I mean, I guess. Can we pull it up? Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

When you got something big to promote Tom, fucking New York Times is a place to go. Yeah. What's Stavey promoting, by the way? We should probably pimp out whatever he's promoting. I think Tires Season 3 is a big one right now. No, no, no, no. It's not Tires. He's not promoting Tires.

He's promoting Anthony Bordane's movie. Tony. Tony. What is that? I don't even know what that is. It's a movie about Anthony Bourdain. They used to call him Tony. It's a scripted story about his life or something? I think, yeah.

It's a feature film and Stobbies in it. It's about, you know, young Anthony Bourdain, but they called him Tony. Got it. Yeah. That's the Tony part. I understand. I'm not confused. It's like, you know who Robert, Robert, Robert, the actor is? Robert Redford?

No, the other one, the Italian one? The Nero? Yeah? Yeah? Close friends call him Bobby. Yeah, I knew that. Or Bob, yeah. Yeah.

You'd understand that. Tommy. That's true. No one does it to me. It's just Bert. Yeah, Tommy for me is like family close friends. And me. What do you mean?

I call you Tommy. I said family close friends. Yep, and me. Yeah. Yeah, you're in the friends part. No, I know. I know, but I never greenlit it through you. I just started.

doing it. I never like, hey man, it's a cool, I call you Tommy. That is true. You did not do that. Yeah, I just started calling you Tommy. Yeah, you're a tastemaker. You're a trendsetter. I'm a tastemaker. Yeah. All right, here's the mic. Here's the mistake. You're insane. Go ahead. John Mullaney's special. What he does a bit about working with you on Saturday Night Live. If you do that for 50 years, you're never again going to be like, um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow? Can you articulate how that's changed you as a person? It's not like most people's lives. No, it's not. It's not. Of course, my personality on stage is not. I have a friend who says, you know, the outstanding joke is that I behave at a dinner party like I behave

on stage. So, well, is that friend right? Yeah, we make jokes about it. It's because it's absurd what you do on stage. And of course, I'm not really like my stage persona. They always hope that you're a normal, so-called normal persons. It's great. There's a great question to lean into you. Okay. Yeah. It's a great question because I have I'll let you answer ask me the same question has it how much has it changed you? Like when you look at that and like there's certain things that I know fame for lack of a better word or success changed to me there's things that I watched it change that were bad in me and then I watch there's things that are I think has changed that are good in me and then but I'm but I and I'm wondering how much I've changed but I'm going to put it to you Like you first got famous when you were what, 33?

Probably 34, 35, I think. 35, that is the formable time of developing as a human. Yeah. How much has it changed you? Do you think? I don't know. I think the thing that I personally would relate to the most of what he said was when he said, like, you have to like manufacture this thing if you don't feel like you're a big persona.

you know, like I've always felt, I think you know, like more reserved, you know, like we walk into a thing together. I'm always happy that you're there being like, hey, what's up? Like fucking fireworks, because I just go like, how's it going? And so like a lot of attention offstage for me has always been weird. I always feel like it's, I don't need it. But like it comes with like what we do. and I've always felt like somewhat, it takes a lot of getting used to that for me.

Like it's always been something that's strange for me. But I love doing, I love what we do on stage. I love that part a lot. So, yeah, there's an adjustment, but I think it's also good

that it didn't happen to me at 21 or 25. I think that would be a whole different experience. That's a way tougher. That's the tough one. Yeah, I was a really like a grown man. I was a grown-up when I got famous. like I was an older grown up.

But I think I identify with the part where he goes, there are people that can't turn it off. Yeah. And I'm that guy. Like I am. Yeah, yeah. I am almost identical at a dinner party

as I am on stage. Yes. As I am on a podcast. As I'm. You're very different one-on-one. You're a true extrovert. So what I see with you is that I see that people around you

gives you energy. Right? So like when you're, when the more people around, the more I see you just like it's like a fuel where like you it stays for you and the complete opposite where the more people around the more I turn inwards and like want to shut down I like a small group of people I feel more like myself around that and I feel the opposite around a lot of people yeah yeah it's funny we know people that have got famous in their 20s and then

people that got famous in their 30s people got famous in their 40s yeah It's very different to have it. It really is. I'm really grateful I got famous later in life. It's probably best for you. I would have blown through this money. You'd be dead. I would be dead.

All right. Go watch Bus Boys at least 36 minutes of it. And then check out Chimp Empire. If you want to L.O.L. Go see the Odyssey in theaters. And then anything else? Oh, thank you. Oh, thanks to the Guinness Booker World Records.

Dennis people. For probably telling one of the most likables, you know, whatever. Things ever. And we'll reach out to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and see if we can get you the next one, the 100,000 attendants. And check out Stavvy's new movie, Tony. Yep. In theaters.

And that's it. We'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's no. not a chance in hell that they'll keep a clean. Here's what we call

Two Bears One Cave.