2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Strip Club Stories w/ "Dr. Phil" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Be sure to visit https://drphillive.tv/ tonight at 9:30pm CDT for a livestream of Dr. Phil Live! SPONSORS: Brought to you by BetterHelp, visit https://BetterHelpcom/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Head to https://Babbel.com/BEARS get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription for a limited time. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BEARS for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Download the new DraftKings Pick Six app NOW and use code BEARS. Alright, we'll keep it here....Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are looking to grow and heal and have some help in the form of the one and only "Dr. Phil" (Adam Ray)! Tom and Bert start off by getting the good doctor a stiff drink, before they debate soft drinks and famous Jasons. They deep dive into Brad Pitt lore and discuss the old saying "age is just a number". "Dr. Phil" surprises the bears with some fun facts and people with funny sounding names. They also play a couple of bonding games "Dr. Phil" has come up with and share some wild stories they've experienced at gentlemen clubs. Other topics covered in this one include Alex Trebek, little people, favorite comedians, and running bits. We'll be right back! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 235 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% All right guys here at two bears we are always we want to get better we want to learn We want to grow and we want to heal and we thought what better way to do all those things Than to bring in an expert so sitting in with us today is the one and only dr. Phil Appreciate it good to be here. Long time fan, first time caller. Nice to see you guys live in the flesh. I've gotten some accidental dick pics from Burt

through AirDrop on an airplane, which is how we met. I don't know if you remember that. I do remember that, I was fucking wasted. Yeah, you were, so was I. I think that's, I walk by and I'll go, machine. And they said, sit down sir, you're in coach. And then he was up in first and I sent a vodka soda up there and he said, I have my own now.

And I said, okay, humble brag. Have you had it? I haven't and that was my next question is, I don't drink in the day a lot unless I'm gonna eat my wife's pussy, but I would love to have a taste of poor Osos because I've heard nothing but good things. How do you like it?

Straight up or do you want a mixer? I want a little soda. A little soda, maybe a couple rocks. Can you pass me that glass? Sure, if you lower your voice, stop yelling at me, Tom. Sorry. It's okay. Now, I know you guys have been friends for a long time,

but is there something you need to make a friend? Like, do you need a connection? Do you need like a hobby that you both share? I think so. I think so too Bert what's the first thing you uh, if you could drop that louder Tom, that'd be great Was there a was there something you first saw in there we go. Yeah, you're gonna break the fucking. Okay I'm having i'm having fourth of july flashbacks when we have barbecues at the phil house people get fucking cuckoo for coco puff Puffs. Really? I'm telling you. Oh yeah. We got, well first of all, on my wife's side

of the family, there's always cousins that show up that I've never met. They're looking to kind of, you know, squeak some pennies out of the Phil titty. That's gotta be tough. Well, you guys probably have that. People climbing up the tree asking for cash. Oh, Tom does. Tom does. Tom definitely does. How do you deal with that? Because you don't want to be rude. Oh, no, Tom's rude. Yeah. OK. Tom's rude. Well, Cher, let me in on that, because I'm too nice, you know? First of all, you have a lot more money than we have. So I think it's kind of a different. How could you tell from the way I walked in?

Or is it the way that my zippers is broken right now? When I just peed in your bathroom, I had to pull my penis over my pants. True story. I don't lie. Both of those are dead giveaways of your net worth. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Well also, I throw hundreds at the strip club. People like to do ones. Oh, I wanna know.

And I'm not a big strip club guy per se, but you know, cause I talk to the girls, cause they're people. You know, they're lower bottom of the barrel people, but they're, you know, they're looking to, most of them have kids, whether they tell you they do or they don't. You can look into their eyes and be like, fifth grade?

And they go, huh? And you go, that's how old Jacob is. He's in the fifth grade. And he's like, how'd you know? I go, well, you got a tattoo of him on your clit, and my finger's touching it, so I don't want to say I'm a scientist. I bet you'd be like a wolf going into those strip clubs, just going.

Well, my hay day for sure. One over there. That's daddy issues. Yeah. You can tell. And look, we've all got issues. I talk about that in my book. We've got issues. Okay. Oh yeah. So it's a perfect segue, bro. I appreciate it. I thought that said Jesus. Yeah. Well, we've got Jesus. It says Jesus. Well, we all know you can't read, but that's, that's not your problem. It's our problem. We've got to figure that out together. That's not soda water, Tom. That's okay.

That's all right. That's the lemon lime. Okay. That's the most popular one. Yeah. And I'm a big Sprite guy. Okay. Good.

Spider seven up. Sorry. That's there's no story there. Let's go real quick for spider seven up. Would you like some or no? Look, I just spilled it on my pants. Sorry. I got nervous.

I am nervous. I'm a big fan of you guys. You know, arguably the one of the best podcasts on the planet you guys I'm thankful that you guys joined forces because separately you're doing a lot of damage It's true. All right. Well, let's try to pour you a compliment still just suck down your booze software heavy for I'll tell you this Bert. I'm a sprague over 7up But when Godfrey was a spokesperson for 7up, that got me hard.

Yeah. Cause I love that, cause I love Godfrey. Fresca can suck my ass. Fresca? Fresca's so fucking good. Okay, what about- Okay, delete my number. What about Fago? What'd you call me?

I thought this was a children's show. No, Fago's not a drink, but it is a choice of living. Yeah. Do you like orange drink? Are you an orange drink guy? I love me an orange crush. I'm like a soda for breakfast guy. Soda for breakfast.

Well, you know, I think that's what I said. Yeah. Well, there's orange crush, and then there's sun kissed. But there's been ties to skin cancer with a sun kissed. Really? Well you can read about that in my book, We've Got Issues, Chapter Five, Soda and Skin Cancer. They're connected in more ways than one,

but I think grape sun kissed is, I'll fuck with that. What would you do for a Klondike bar? What wouldn't I do to a stranger for a grape sun kissed? To start the day too. Yeah, Frosted Flakes and a grape sun kissed. Holy shit. Try it out. I know this motherfucker will deep throat some Kool-Aid,

but try a purple sun kissed. I buddy, I go, we had a... Take your time, sound it out. Jack in the box. There it is. Jack in the box behind our house and I would go get 32 ounce diet grape Fantas. Yep.

And I remember one time Isla said to me, hey, is your shit green? And I said, yeah. And she goes, it's the Fanta. Yeah, Fanta, yeah. It contributes to a poor discoloration of your fecal matter. I'm gonna take a sip real quick. Hey.

Hey, cheers to you guys. Cheers to you. Hopefully new homies, but I've been watching from afar and I dig it. Cheers. You're gonna have you guys. Cheers to you. Hopefully new homies, but I've been watching from afar and I dig it. Cheers. You're going to have some too, Tommy? Yep. I love that. Here we go. That's fucking tasty. Where's my that's fucking tasty cam? Right here. I'm telling you this much, if you've got a rainy day or even a sunny day and you're looking to take it from five to 10, maybe that fat chick's going to be a little late coming over to your house

and you you got more time to fluff the pillows on the futon for her to sleep on so you want to you know fill up the downtime but fill up your heart and your soul we'll grab a nice cup of porousos you can mix it with just about anything except purple sun kiss save that for the morning player. Bottoms up. Second time just as good. It is. The ninth at the end of the night is perfect too. Do you like shots of it better? Like if you're trying to tell the fans how to drink,

because they want to drink with you guys. Tom, do they want to drink with you more than they do with Bird because they know you're probably not getting as f**ked up? I think they think it's more of a rarity. Yeah, so they get really excited when they start to have a drink. Yeah. Like my fans will bring weed to the show. Do they?

Yeah. And I don't, you know, I'm on a decent amount of edibles right now, but I don't like to smoke in public because I got an image to uphold. But I do like, you know, if Snoop Dogg, if Joe Rogan wanted to smoke, you know, I'd smoke with Joe Rogan. Yeah.

I'd eat, you know, I'd eat, I'd eat just about anything with Joe Rogan, you know. Oh, he'll get you to eat anything. Yeah. He does, right? I think there's certain people that course you. Oprah, when I first met Oprah. What was that like?

Bananas, you know, don't cancel me. It's not, I didn't say bananas because she's black, but it was, bananas is my new catchphrase when I get excited. When you get excited. I go, Oprah, yeah, it's just, it was, it's bonkers is another one I got with her. That's another new one.

But Oprah is one of those people that doesn't feel real. You see her, it's like, when you met Brad Pitt, I'm sure it was similar. Yeah, you can't believe you're actually doing that. You can't fucking believe it. Is he as hot as they say? Dude, he was fucking perfect. Gorgeous, right, perfect.

And he's 60. No, he's not. Yeah, he's 60. Get the fuck out of here. I met him, he was 58. It's fucking- Who's more attractive, Jason, Aquaman or Brad Pitt? How are you going to put me on the spot? Also so many Jason's. Isn't it funny that I went with Momoa?

I could have said Statham or Jason Patrick is an actor. Jason Patrick is gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Jason Bateman. Bateman's still got it. Bateman's still got it. Yeah, he's still got it. Okay, here's a fun game.

Okay. Let's find an ugly Jason. Because so far we've said three hot. Oh. Jason's. Jason, Jason the fucking, how I met your mom. Jason. What about Jason?

Who's that guy? Jason the serial killer from the Friday the 13th. Still hot though, Tom, bad example. Yeah. Oh shit. Jason Biggs from American Pie? He's good looking. He's good looking. In person he's very good looking.

That pie had no problem being penetrated by him. No, Jason, what's the guy's name that showed his dick in? Seagull. Seagull. Jason Seagull. More attractive now, but not that attractive as a younger dude. If you put him up against Pitt or Bateman.

Now, what did he say to you? Did he say something that like about you know your comedy that uh that you put in the spank bank? The uh Pitt? He um he said he was like there was a Laker game on in the green room and so we were just standing there there was music on and he was like so is this what you do? And I go what? He goes like to get ready for your show. I think he thought it was more like you're getting ready for like a play. Sure. Like I was like, yeah dude, we do like. You're gonna rehearse your bits in the mirror, like a psycho?

This is show 175 of this. Yeah, we're good. And he was like, oh, okay. And then he introduced himself to everybody, like you would, I'm assuming you'd still say I'm Phil to everybody. Oh sure, yeah. Even though everybody knows who you are.

So he did that and everybody was, everybody was geeked. I mean, it was funny to be in a room with someone like that where you see everyone just kind of go like, hi, they're all so excited to meet him. So that was kind of fun. And then I was pretending to not be,

I was like, yeah, cool, man, it's fun to, but then I also, you had asked me before, who do you ever nerd out on? I had totally told him the story of when I was in middle school, and we would go to the movies all the time as a family. And my sister picked the movie that week, which was. A River Runs Through It.

Was it A River Runs Through It? Is that the one with the long hair? Yeah, no, no, no, Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall with Cruise and Kidman. Legends of the Fall is not that one. No, no, that's. That's Vampire. No, no, no, no.

Cruise and Kidman is. A Thunder. No, no, no. Days of no, that's uh, that's a vampire. No, no, no, no In kidman is uh is a thunder no Shut the fuck up. No, no Jerry maguire four. No, I know I was being tom for a second I was saying another movie that's incorrect, but those are movies. They're both in no kid crew. It's not last samurai Kidman's got long here. They're in the fucking wilderness Irish and they get to this country She's a whore and he's a boxer. He loves whores. No, he's a who he's a boxer He's a fist fighter. It's it rhymes with legends of the fall or it's like

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When we keep them bottled up It can start to affect us negatively therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and figure out How to work through whatever is weighing you down I know for a fact I keep a list of the things that are weighing me down and I bring that list in therapy and Often it's the smallest little thing. I'll give you a perfect example. Someone would drive way to one way street that we lived on and people would drive the wrong way up it. And it would make me crazy, crazy.

I talked about in therapy, my therapist said to me, hey, can you stop them? And I said, no. And he goes, then you gotta let it go. I was like, what am I gonna do? Pull a paint gun out? Listen, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give gotta let it go. I was like, what am I going to do? Pull a paint gun out? Listen, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give better help a try.

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Far and a fucking way. Boom, see? Okay. No, that's not what we were fucking talking about. So- Okay. So you saw legends of the fall. Legends of the fall. Trying to make conversation. I fucking has nothing to do with what I'm saying. So I tell him that we go to Legends of the Fall

and I was like, I don't wanna see this fucking, he was like the cute guy that all the chicks would talk, I was like, I don't wanna see your gay fucking movie. And that like, whatever, an hour into that movie, my older sister, Maria, leans over to me and she goes, are you crying? And I was like, Maria, leans over to me and she goes, are you crying? And I was like, no, you fucking bitch. And I was totally crying at his performance.

And so I told him that. I think he was amused by it. But that was it. I mean, he was super, he stayed for the whole show, which is also a thing, because a lot of times celebrities like yourself, they go, they come to the show and then you go, where are they? And they go, oh, they said they had a great time. Yeah. Oh yeah. He stayed for the whole show, came back after the show. Huge.

Could you FaceTime him right now? Absolutely not. Do you have his number? No. You do have his number. Now because you didn't want to ask for it or because you just go, this is cool, I don't need to be friends. Yeah, I wasn't gonna. That's kind of how I am now. Once you get in your 60s, you know, Burt you know this, where it's like, how old are you Burt? 51. I just found out I was 51. He just found out. What do you mean by that?

He just found out. I thought I was 52. How do you forget who you are? This isn't the first time this has happened. Yeah, I've- This is how you forget by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so is there you forget by the way. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, so is there a difference between 51 and 52? Oh, 51 felt so much better. Right. Especially thinking you're 52. Yeah. People say, not to name drop it, Oprah said 60 is the new 30, you know, and then I think Jennifer Aniston even said 40

is the new 20, but then it's like, you know, it's not, but you feel good like, you know, it's not, but you feel good, but you know, but this is why people are getting so many surgeries. It was Epic, I don't support it, but I'm on it, you know, but I don't need it, but I abuse it, you know. I don't love it, but I can't stop. Does that make sense?

We're on T. We're on T. We're on testosterone. Oh, me too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll get an injection just cause I'm bored too. But now does that help for the muscles or is that just all bowflex? This is all bowflex.

This is pushups. I do a lot of prison workouts. I do prison burpees. Have you been to jail? No, never been arrested. Well, I don't believe you. I've been in cops. I don't believe me either.

Yeah, you feel like a guy, actually you know what? You feel like a guy that can charismatically persuade a cop to let you go. That's a big compliment. I did persuade. Before you were famous, I bet. I persuaded a cop one time. I know you did.

I did. That's why I fucking just said that, Bert. Tell the story, please. Cops pulled up to our college party at Indian Village and I blocked them in with my car. I pulled my car up. I was drunk. I pulled my car up and I blocked them.

As a joke. As a joke and then the cop said, I'm gonna need you to move your car. And I said, I with my car. I pulled my car up. I was drunk. I pulled my car up and I blocked him. As a joke. As a joke. And then the cop said, I'm gonna need you to move your car. And I said, I've been drinking. And he goes, what? I said, I just got a drink. And he goes, actually, I can test your blood right now

and find out if you've been drinking before this. How about this? How about we take you to jail and we'll find out if you've been drinking. And I went, excuse me? And he goes, no, it's a funny thing. Let's get the cuffs out. Let's, and I go, hold on.

I don't wanna go to jail. And he said, no, I bet you don't. Let's get the cops out. Let's go. And I go, hold on. I don't want to go to jail. And he said, no, I bet you don't. No one does. But you're going to jail tonight. You're going to learn a very valuable lesson, son. And I went, I'll move my car right now. I'm so sorry. And he went, why don't you go do that?

And I got in the car with a drink in my hand, and I backed it up. And I went, I'm never fucking with the cops again. Holy shit. So he let you go. Yeah. Well, you tugged at his heartstrings. I did.

That's a big deal. Do you guys find in your life, and Tom you can answer me first on this, that you find like you're getting more sensitive as you get older? Do you cry if your kids do something? Right, Bert, your kids are a bit older, but Tom, like, and both of you can answer this, I guess.

Do you find like they do stuff and you go, God damn, like I didn't expect to be so emotional over that moment. Like you just shit on the rug. But I'm, but I still love you. First of all, but you know, I'm going to rub your face in it to teach you a lesson. Sure. Yes.

But also old school. Old school. Yeah. And I'm still, I'm not a big fan of spanking. I'm more like shove your head into the door, you know? Yeah. Because it doesn't hurt as much. A spank can stay with you for days.

You get smacked into a fucking, you know, that corner, the doorstop part. You just, fuck, you know, it's a quick impact. And then you're back to reality. You check your email 12 minutes later. I body check my kids a lot, because I feel like it's a way to get out. That was my next question, yeah. And they're how old again?

Five and eight. Yeah, that's prime age to get fucking. You can fucking. Wayne Gretzky get into a fucking laundry machine, yeah. I was in a bar in New York when I was young. Does the story get better? It does. All right. And we were on coke and there was a girl talking

wild shit and a guy put her over as the inspector. And the whole bar went crazy. It was fucking like four in the morning. It's called Mary Lou's on 13th. And he put her over as the inspector. And it was like, fuck yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, she'll never forget that. Was that Mary Lou Redden's in New York? No what a fucking hero she was. She had a bar. She did not. She did not. Sorry that was my

attempted stand-up comedy but what uh I have five, 50 minutes on Mary Lou Redden. She had a bar. She had one here and then one here. Yeah. And she's swinging between them. That was my attempt to stand up. Oh, that's good. Yeah, we'll stick to the stories. Yeah, now there is something to be said about drinking during the day that's more fun, arguably, than at night. Yeah.

You know, why is that? Everything's better during the day. Sex during the day is always better than sex at night. I'll agree with that. Blowjob during the day, oh, outshines a blowjob at night. How about there's a blowjob during the day while she's driving? So it's road head from the person driving.

Yeah, I like that. It's more dangerous. That's very dangerous. Oh yeah, and I'm into dangerous sex stuff, you know? Are you? I don't think people would know that about you. No, well, they do know. If you read my book, we've got issues.

Chapter nine is you gotta take yourself out of your comfort zone and get a blowjob while she's driving. Wow, that's a chapter about that? Yeah, it's a long title. But what I mean by that is, when you're in your comfort zone for too long, I mean, equate it to stand up.

You guys ride, you go, oh, this joke maybe feels a little edgy. Cancel culture's an issue, but also I think you guys rise above it. But I guess a road blow job is, and I don't like to get them every day, but I usually call the shots on when it's happening. You do, you just tell her.

Well, she wants that from me because I started out being a little bit passive, and she'd have to wake me up and little finger action. I never was a finger in the butt guy until, and stop me if this is too personal by the way. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. But I think that a thumb is the quickest way

to get me to go, oh, I guess it's time to get up. Yeah. But a couple fingers lets me know that it's my birthday. Yeah. How about toys? You ever do toys up there? Yeah, we've done toys. Wait, sex toys?

Yeah. In your ass? Yeah. No, like slinkies. Do we ever play with a slinky down the stairs, like in the late 80s? No, there's G.I. Joe's. Did you ever do a toy up the ass?

No, I tried. I tried with you. You guys did some fun stuff? We tried those butt plugs. Yeah. A butt plug is kind of like, it feels a little been there, done that. But also, I don't know. It's not as good as the real thing.

You'd be shocked how small a butt plug can't fit up your ass. Like we had tiny butt plugs and I, it was honestly like trying to get into a club in New York in the fucking eighties. Like it was, my asshole was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, not with those shoes. No. And I was, and I was, and I thought he had already had it in his ass, so I was like, I know I can get something in my ass

if he can get it in his ass. And the point of a plug is, well, that makes a lot of sense. It vibrated, it vibrated. So that's what it is. It had a handle like a cork on the end, so you could pull it out easy, and it didn't get lost in there. Yeah, I don't know.

It's a real problem with those, they get lost. You guys should, now, merch, you guys obviously got the poor Osos. You got 2 Bearers 1K merch. Is that, do you ever think about, do people hit you up with merch ideas? Like hey, maybe make a- Bobblehead.

Oh, that's a good one. Oh yeah, the, what are they called? The Keefos, Feefos, Meefos. Funkos? Funkos. Funkos. Feefos? Feefos.

Imagine walking into a Funko store with this guy. You guys got any Bigfoot Man Feefes? Fee foes. Imagine walking into a Funko store with this guy. You guys got any Bigfoot Man Fee foes dolls? Now I did pull up some fun facts for you guys. Two Hair is One Cave is the name of the podcast and I wanted to see if you guys knew any thing about the name of your show, the creature that it's named. Why did you name it that, first of all? I think we're two pretty big hairy gay guys.

Burly men, yeah. We were fantasizing about what our life would be if it was gay on your mom's house. Together or just separately? In your mom's house, back when Red Band used to produce it. Yeah. And we were talking about how fun it would be to be gay and we kinda lost Christina in the whole conversation

and she was like, none of this sounds good. Tom's like, I'd come on all your food and I'd be like, I'd bet I'd like that. Yeah. And then I was like, I'd wrestle, fuck you. And he'd be like, what? I'd go, I'd come home and I'd be like, none of this sounds good. Tom's like, I'd come on all your food. And I'd be like, I bet I'd like that. And then I was like, I'd wrestle, fuck you. And he'd be like, what? I go, I'd come in and I'd be like, that does it. Got to the count of five, closed my eyes and you had to hide and then I'd find you

and hold you down and fuck you. That feels like a lot of fun. I think most guys fantasize about who their guy would be if they were gay, right? Yeah. Mine would be Pitt or Tony Robbins. Tony Robbins. I want somebody bigger.

I think I'm definitely a bottom. And Tony Robbins feels like, you know. Huge. Yeah, he wakes you up, he'll just mic-tastic you, bite your ear. No hands. That's your alarm clock. Those hands, they're not even real.

Oh, and he puts his hand on the back of your head and he's fucking you in the ass and pushes your face in the pillow and he's got that reach where he's still upright and put his hands down holding your head. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's enough of that, Bert. All right, so there's a couple. So these are all true or false questions, okay?

Cool facts about bears, true or false. You guys both answering at the end, we'll see. The winner will get a free copy of We've Got Issues available now. Where, you know, we've all got issues, and I wanna get into what you guys are dealing with later in the program. Bears have thick layered coats, true or false?

True. True. That's correct. Bears are big, coats, true or false? True. True. That's correct. Bears are big, strong, and can suck their own dicks. That's true. That's true. Correct. Okay, two for two. There are eight bear species in the world. False. False? No, it's true. Oh, really? Yeah. Can you name them? Polar.

Polar. Black, brown. Yep. Panda. Yep. Oh really? Yeah. Can you name them? Polar. Polar. Black, brown. Yeah. Panda. Yep. Berenstein. Berenstein. Grizzly.

Gummi. Chicago. Yeah. Gummi. That's it? You did? I missed one. I missed.

Eleanor Ryan. Oh, Berenstor. There you go. Bears are allergic to Jews, true or false? That's very true. You got it. Bears can walk on their hind legs. That's true.

Bears have a high IQ. False. True, false. That's true. Did you answer? I didn't answer. Go ahead. True.

That's right. Bears are only gay on vacation. Not false. That's true, Tommy. True, true. Yeah, you got it. All right, we're back on track. Todd's score. Bears can't laugh at racist jokes got it. All right. We're back on track tied score bears

Can't laugh at racist jokes, but they understand why they're funny true. You got it Balloo from the Jungle Book Mama bear from Goldilocks and Dick Budkiss Mary fuck kill. Those are three famous bears Wow Well, what was the first one? Baloo from the Jungle Book. Oh. And the second one?

Mama Bear from Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You fuck her. I think so. She's probably the most into it. Yeah, I think you have to marry Baloo. No, you fuck, kill Baloo. I think you kill Baloo because He's a pedophile. You marry Dick Buccas?

I think so, he's got money, security. Be fun to listen to, talk about football. I think he kills you though. Why? Because he's- He's Dick Bukus. Yeah, is he known for being an angry guy? Yeah, he's one for fucking people up, yeah of course.

Well then I fucked Dick Bukus, because I want to see him rage. What a great name, Bukus. Dick is your first name. He hit the lottery as far as, cause people can't tease you in school. Well here's the thing, they probably did. They probably did tease you.

That's how you became that savage. You wanted to kiss you on your butt, Dick? He probably became who he was because of that name. I think so. Okay, so a lot of rage, teasing, and then enough is enough. I'm gonna take this out on some running backs. There are some names that you see,

especially football players, where you're like, that must have been tough. Anytime you see a guy named Gay. Or Dakota Fag. Yeah, Dakota Fag. That's the word I got? I was thinking of that one too. Yeah, from Florida State.

We had a girl in my high school named Michelle Virgin. And then we had a girl named Audrey Klitgard. Really? No. K-L-I-T, German, yep. Audrey Klitgard. K-L-I, I didn't even know what a Klit was, but I was like, this isn't fair.

G-A-R-D, and then we had a bitch ho. Vietnamese, B-E-T-C-H hyphen H-O. That's pretty. And everybody was like, what up bitch? Your mama's a bitch, your daddy's a bitch. Or no, your mama's a ho, your daddy's a ho, because that was her last name. It was funny, it was the 90s.

There's so many college and pro athletes with the last name gay, and I always think that they're at that level because of their last name. Because there's no way you're escaping childhood with the last name gay and not having it fire you up in some way. Totally. Like there's countless ones.

I think so. Or the name Ima, Like any girl named Ima. Oh shit, yeah. My wife's great grandmother, no, no, my wife's grand aunt. So her grandmother's sister was named Ima. And she came inside and had breakfast with me and the girls and Ila sat down and they said, have you met your aunt Ima?

And Ila said, what's her last name? And Georgia goes, drag these nuts in your mouth. I love your daughter. She's so funny. And you know, yeah, that's par for the course. If your name is set up for punch lines, you gotta go with it. You gotta roll with the punches,

you gotta go with the flow. Do you guys find as you're out there and you're dealing with the, do you enjoy the road life? Is it fun? I love it. I know. Yeah. You guys do different things on the road, right? Yeah. Oh, very drastically different. But I think that's why let's play a game. We'll say, I'll say something one of us does on the road and you have to guess if it's Tom or Bert. Okay, great. Okay. Sit in silence in a green room that has a red light in it. It feels like Peter, your assistant.

No, it's Tom. Okay. He doesn't do anything in his green room. He sits by himself with a red light on. Like a son-o light? No, just like a red fucking light. Like a laser pen? No, like we were in the whores' houses in Amsterdam.

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Why do you use a red light? Why do you use a red light, Tom? It's soothing. I hate the, you know, when you go into some of these rooms, The lighting's bad. It's big overhead fluorescent lights. I'm like, this is like a bad feeling. So I put the red lights and I just put music on

and I like to chill before the show. I went to see a John Mayer concert once and went backstage and he does a similar thing. Real cool, calm, lights down, Phil Collins blasting. There were some double stuff Oreos. Not for him, but I love treats. And so I get it. It's a preparation for the chaos you're about to jump into.

And then which of us do you think has 70 people in their green room with full fucking floodlights on? Which one of you takes shots with strangers because it's their birthday in six months? Probably this guy. Yeah, I went into his green room before the show and I was like, I mean, I got so anxious. I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

I walked into his room and I go, get in the fuck in my green room. There's too many people in there. My green room was fucking sick. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. I've been there. You guys rip it up. Lots of cheese.

You'd watch people go into Tom's green room. Jimmy Kimmel walked into Tom's green room and was like, oh, I'm sorry. No, but they were like, it's fun, they were like, I needed to get away. Sure. And they just kinda sit in there quietly. Everyone's smoking weed,

doing fucking shotgun and fucking seltzers. Do you have to get out of there if it's too, like if Snoop Dogg walks in, let's say Snoop Dogg, Brad Pitt, and shit, I don't know, Cat Williams and OJ, pre-dead walks in. And you're like, oh shit, maybe I gotta spark one up. The same way that you're generously having a cocktail with me, because it's my first time.

Do you give into peer pressure like that? Or are you pre? Pre-show I wouldn't, post-show I would. Okay, you don't like to be buzzed up? I don't like to have any buzz going before a set. Because you wanna be quick. I don't wanna feel any buzz going before us. You want to be quick I just want I don't want to feel like I'm second-guessing a thought. I love that. No, I'll take one for the team Yeah, well, I think he has came backstage and we and I don't normally drink before I go on stage

He was like we'll do a shot. I was like, yeah, and I didn't even think about it. I was like fuck Yeah, let's do a shot. Yeah, I could yeah you have to it's fucking ideas. They do if somebody Actually asks that pre-show, I would probably give in too, like depending on who it is. Yeah, I would probably give in. Yeah, there's times in my life, definitely my kids as they got older,

and that's probably another thing, right? Like as soon as you're two boys, as soon as they're able to. Well, that's what we know so far. Right, there could be, we've all had a past. Right, sure. If my daughters transitioned now, I'd be so fucking angry. I wanted boys.

But I don't want them now. I wanted them when you were younger. Yeah, yeah, sure. And I was going to fucking play baseball and fucking throw the football. Yeah, I was in Billings, Montana once. And I got a call from a girl that said, it's me, Denise. It's yours.

And then her and her friend started giggling, and they hung up. But she had my number. So I knew that there was a chance it could be mine. But I just started using condoms, you know, recently. Oh, yeah.

I know it's better safe than sorry and all that bullshit. But, you know, I think, you know, menopause is look, you can when we do it on if you have a period and you can look the who you guys voting for. I got another game I want to play. Who you guys voting for?

I got another game I want to play. Okay. Who's running? Two of the same. You know who it is. They're not going to, they're going to go with Biden. I think it's going to be those guys again, which is weird because, you know, I saw him eating an ice cream cone, a video of it, and he was blowing on it. He doesn't know how ice cream works.

He's like, it's too hot. Try to cool it down. I was like, this guy can't make choices. He was like, you know. And then he fell off a black America's Funniest Own Video style. Yeah. That sucked.

He just went, I'll take you out of the way. And he parkoured into the bushes. But then Trump is selling shoes that are more expensive than Jordans. Yeah. You got a lot of balls. You got balls. They're like $6,000.

Yeah. Not even Steve Kerr or Saš Sasha Vujicic would make shoes. Even Vladivdivac had some Yugoslavian cigarette sandals and they were like 15 bucks. What a great poll that is. Vladivdivac was Yugoslavian. Yep. But he's- Oh, I have a, you don't think I have a Globert? I got money to, bitch.

Now I want to play a game called Bert and Tom, where basically I just see if you guys know this about each other. Okay. Because I like best friends. I'm a big fan of that. And it's cool to see people that know each other for so long to keep it crunk, but keep it, but keep it dialed in, but keep it challenged. Right. You guys, it's tough to keep a working relationship and friend going this long.

You guys have done it. By the way, I know your intern Tanner said your shirt was too tight, but I'm getting a half chub just staring at your left bicep, Bert. The left one's my bad arm too. Is it weird to see him with muscle...whoops that poor osso is asleep. I'm gonna fold. But I'm fucked up. But but Tom, what is it about Bert's muscles that's new but exciting? I mean, all of it. It is new and exciting. Yeah.

Because you had muscles when you were bigger, right? Yeah, but there were fat muscles. I was stronger when I was fatter. Yeah. Mass moves mass, baby. Mass moves mass. I learned that through Tommy. Who is it?

Mass moves mass. Yeah. Oh, so muscle. All those big powerlifter guys, they all weigh like 300 plus pounds, right? Because you gotta be huge to push that amount of weight. So he was, he's a strong dude, but now that we can see the muscles, it's very exciting.

I get aroused. Your fans like it too. It's also cool to wear shirts that fit. Yeah. Why don't wear shirts? Oh, that's right. It's my thing. Was that a, now that's a confident move. The fans go nuts for it.

Do you think they go more nuts for that or your material? Hold that thought, we'll be right back. We'll keep her right here. Burt? I think, I honestly don't think I'd do very well with a shirt on. That's not true. If I left my shirt on, they'd go like this the whole time.

Oh, come on. They judge what you're doing. I think that, I think, I know that one time I walked out forgetting to put a shirt on. Like I was just shirtless backstage and I started walking out on stage. It was like two shows and I walked out shirtless and they went, oh.

Cause they wanted to see the. They wanted to see it come off. Yeah. It's a cool move. Tom is there, did you ever think like, as you're coming up, you go, maybe I need something like that? I thought pants down was a thing for a while. Hold on.

Hold on. There was a Tom phase not everyone knows about. Please? When he was working on catchphrases. Oh my god. I'm a big catchphrase guy, so let's do this. What was the catchphrase? I forget.

It was like pow pow or something. Pow pow. Yeah. You deliver a joke, joke and go, wow. You don't remember that? We were at the Bray Improv. You're like, I'm working on catchphrases. What the fuck joke precedes a pow pow.

OK, I'll do a talk. OK? Here we go. There's a guy. I'll be a guy in the crowd. Ready? I just read an article about a guy who has a tiger in his apartment in Brooklyn.

How do you get a tiger in Brooklyn? Pow, pow. Hey, there's still time to bring it back. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke, motherfucker. Something about a tiger in Brooklyn. You told me there was a guy with a tiger in Brooklyn.

How do you get, I don't know, pow, pow. There it is. Yeah, it's still funny. It's still good. Yeah. I don't remember how it goes. Yeah, it's almost like a Bart Simpson, Akar Carumba, OJ, I didn't do it. How long did I work on those for?

It was a while. I loved them in the back, cause they just go like this. Pow, pow. Pow, pow, bang, bang. Bang, bang. That was it, bang, bang. That was it.

Yeah. That came off the tongue real smooth. It did, right? Bang, bang. Yeah. Now would you do a little Patrick Swagy finger gun? I mean, I definitely feel like finger guns are the way to go on that Remember the first guy that did that there was a time I think 80s Beach Cops, which I'm a big 80s Beach Cop guy I love the I love the beach and I love the 80s. Yeah, I'm on them. Oh, man

I'll suck your dick right here, you know Yeah but the guys that walk around going like this, there just was a level of confidence and swagger that you can't fake. Because that's on paper a pretty fucking silly move. It is. Anyone walks into a party going, hey, Skyler.

It feels so natural coming from you. Like a Dr. Phil just being like bang, bang. Sure, well, if you don't mind if I can add that to the repertoire. A little bang, bang. A little bang, if you don't mind if I can add that to the repertoire. I mean, I think. A little bang bang. A little bang bang. Yeah.

I'll plug your Twitter when I do it. When you're doing a threesome, just a little bang bang. Oh yeah. A little bang bang. Oh man. Who was the first guy that came up with finger guns? When you think about it, it had to be post guns, obviously. Yep, yep.

So. When guns were cool. And it must have been fucking hilarious the first time he did it. Oh yeah. Where like they're in a saloon in the Wild West and he's like, I'll see you guys later. And they're like, ah, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can't do this. I think even in a school it'd be tough to do finger guns. Yeah. You couldn't. Like as a PE teacher. Wow, you're feeling it. Yeah, that's the poor Osho's talking. I also had some mac and cheese in the car,

but there's, you can get the little craft mac and cheese in the car, but there's, there's a, you can get the little Kraft mac and cheese, the portable ones, the on the go Kraft mac and cheese. It's a small, you know how Campbell's Soup used to do the drinkable soups? Yeah. Yeah. All soups are drinkable technically. You don't have to lie.

Do you not remember when Campbell's Soup was, it was in a cup. Isn't it always in a cup? Can I talk to you for a second, Tom? Yeah. Yeah. It was in a drinkable, it was in a cup? Can I talk to you for a second, Tom? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was in a drinkable cup. They're all drinkable.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Tom, I swear to God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All foods are drinkable. The soup was in a, not a cup, a beverage. Container. What do you usually eat soup with, Tom? A spoon.

Very good. So imagine not doing that and drinking it. Okay. So that's what Campbell's soup used to do. Okay. It was good, remember that? Catch for a taste, Charlie? Yeah, bang bang. Yeah, bang bang.

Yeah, chicken noodle soup, bang bang. So I would drink the soup and eat it. So it was that, but it was for the mac and cheese. Well, that is not a drinkable mac and cheese. Well, not with that attitude. So it was super, it was really run down. It was run down, yeah. But I'm not, look.

Do you like runny mac and cheese? I don't mind it. It's like burnt toast. I'll still eat it. It's not my favorite. Oh, I like burnt toast better. Yeah. How burnt?

I like when it's a little burnt. I don't know. It's not my favorite. Oh, I like burnt toast better. Yeah. Well, I like one is a little burnt I don't know it's the same thing as like having Like when your wife comes in and she doesn't look that great She goes do I look good and you go you look beautiful in your head you go you do have look better sure But you go this is my burnt toast moment of having sex with her. And so I like burnt toast that way what? Yeah, that's probably we can edit this out. But yeah, I think that there is I want another drink. Yeah What? Yeah, that's probably, we can edit this out. But yeah, I think that there is a-

I want another drink. Yeah, I'll do it. I'm having a really good time. Yeah, me too. Wait, what are other things- I'm having a blast. What are other things you could do that are like guns, but in different parts of the culture?

Oh, well- Do you think there's like a knife equivalent or a bomb equivalent? Something about guns, yeah, a bomb, yeah. Well, there was the, yeah, there was the, well, there's the mic drop, but that's, I do that sometimes if you're dropping a truth bomb, right?

You should do that on my show. Ooh, let's do that. Like we had a young girl on the show and she was smoking a lot of pot. And she said it was because her mom was doing drugs. And I said, and her mom goes, well, I don't think she sees me doing it. And I go, look at me, bitch.

I didn't drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information. And that's, and then I took a commercial break cause that's good TV. But I didn't want her to be feeding me bullshit when I ordered a salad. Does that make sense? It makes total fucking sense. I'm gonna use that.

You can laugh Tom, it's all right. I didn't drive 98% of the way to get two. 2% of the information, use that on your kids. Fuck yeah. But I think that, you know, as you get in someone's rear view mirror, who's that for? For me.

Obviously, that was a trick question. I think he used his bad arm on that for. How's your arm doing, Tom? So great, so great. It is, it's really doing well, yes. That's an insane thing to come back from. You guys have both had injuries, right? I got mine on the set of a movie,

major motion picture. On the set, what movie? There's a machine, streamed on got mine on the set of a movie, major motion picture. On the set, what movie? There's a machine, streamed number one on Netflix almost a month, yeah. Great movie. There's a, Allowed by Critics. So many things that were cool. Allowed by critics?

Is that the right word? Allowed? Allowed? Lauded, lauded. That might be it. And lauded. The loud ones were the bad ones. You've got an ability to say words that aren't real

that sound like they could be. Okay. Yeah, I could do that. That's a't real that sound like they could be. Okay, yeah. I can do that. That's a great skill. Mark Hamill. Indeference. Nobody knows that one. That's not real.

Is that a real word? Indifference. Or deaf. Indeference, like you know when you defer. Oh yeah, defer. Indeference. Okay. That's when you walk around with deference as your mode

of operandi. Yep. I'm walking around with indeference. What's the biggest word you know, Tom? That I know? Yep, that you use. Cause I'm not a big fan of people using big words just to sound smart.

Yeah. You know, it's like just fucking, you know, like bewildered. You know, I got a buddy that's always like, I'm so bewildered right now. Okay. No you're not, Tom. Chick-canery.

What does that mean? I like to get a little chick-canery. What does that mean? I like to get a little chick-canery. What does that mean? A little trickery. Okay. A little, a little. That's fun. Curfuffle. Curfuffle? Curfuffle.

Oh, that's when everything's got fucked up, right? Yeah, it's like an insane, let's say Brad Pitt comes in and goes, Tom, I fucking hated your fucking set. Wow. And you go, Jesus Christ, Brad Pitt. You're fucking not like you are in the movies. I remember when I watched Far and Away and cried and here I am, or no, what was it?

Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall. Far and Away, that came to you quick this time. I remember when I cried at your films and now I'm crying at the way you're treating me. Yeah, yeah. We're about to get into Kerfuffle. Oh, I thought.

It's like a scuffle, but with Steve Kerf. I guess I used incredulous. Are you using credulous? I think you're wrong. About what? I think Kerfuffle isn't a scuffle, but with Steve Kerr. I guess I used incredulous. I used incredulous. I think you're wrong. About what? I think kerfuffle isn't a scuffle. Well, let's look it up, fellas. Kerfuffle is when you get confused

and you don't know what to do and all chaos is ensued. Well, that's kind of me right now. There it is, look at that. A commotion or fuss, especially one caused by conflicting views. There was a kerfuffle over the chairmanship. Right, so you and Pitt get into it. Right. You get into the cockpit, right, tries to sort things out. That's a kerfuffle. And you use kerfuffle? I try to, but it's one of those words that again causes confusion like

we're doing right now. There's a bit of a kerfuffle happening because of it. I think so. Yeah. I'm also trying to coin new word. Have you ever submitted a new word to Webster's? Never. No, but let's come up with new words right now. It's a fun time. Well, I like to come up with new like racist slang. Wow, this is-

Oh, wait, racist slang. Okay. Or pejorative terms or is it? Yep. Okay. Yep. Okay, I'm into it. This feels like a bad game.

No, no, start. Okay. We'll start with someone innocuous, like innocuous. Like ask him. That's a great word. Yeah. That makes me think of binoculars and then oculus, which I'm a big 3D guy.

Are you? Yeah. I love nothing more than to smoke a blunt, lie in bed, ignore my wife, put on goggles and go to the prehistoric age and fight crime. That's, Oh, you can, you can select, you can unlock players like you can in NBA 2k. So I'll bring Vlad D. Vats in with me and we'll go find some fucking T-Rex, you know? Yeah. And just have ourselves a good time. He smokes like a chimney. Oh, he is the

most Yugoslavian guy. Like Bobby Lee, you're like, he's a Korean guy through and through. He's really Serbian. Who is? Vladivac. Oh, Vladivac. Vladivac is a Serb nationalist. Yep.

He's a big fan of Gabriel Pritsip. Yep. Gabriel Pritsip. Yep. You know who that is? Mm-mm. Oh, he changed the world. He changed the fucking world. That guy changed. He's 19 years old and he changed the world as we know it. He is the reason that our grandfathers died. He is the reason the Holocaust happened. He is the reason there the fucking world. Shit. You guys seen Oppenheimer? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I just thought that was a true story. Oppenheimer? Yeah. I thought we were still talking about far and away. Did you like Oppenheimer? I did.

I'm a big Killian Murphy fan. He just scares me. Right? He does. Every time he's acting, he's just like, looks like he's just, you know, just found out that, you know, Dolly Parton lip syncs or something. Or, yeah, remember how Michelle Tanner was played by two people? Hold on, Dolly Parton lip sync?

We'll be right back. Honest bomb. See, that's what I would do on the show. I'd go honest bomb. That's what I was trying to tell you. The mom goes, what I would do on the show. I'd go, honest bomb. That's what I was trying to tell you. The mom goes, I don't have a weed problem. And I go, you do. This is what your daughter's picking up on.

Are you picking up on what I'm putting down? And then I go, I think you need to put down the joint and pick up the responsibility. And then I went, honest bomb. Wow. And we had a sound effect, you know. Who'd do an honest bomb to me? Burt.

So I've seen on your tour bus, there's a lot of alcohol, but there's also a lot of fun. Yeah. And they can go hand in hand. And sometimes someone will be telling a story and you'll be locked in, but then your eyes will just droop right down to Facebook. Honest bomb.

Honest bomb, Honest bomb. What is it about Facebook that sucks you in? But also look, devil's advocate. Maybe sometimes the person telling that story sucks at stories. So I'm gonna go ahead and make it half and half as far as who is doing the heavy lifting. If you're on the receiving end of a bad story,

there ain't nothing worse. Tom? Yeah. Thanks Tom. Bert? I agree 100%. What's the last shitty story you've heard where you're like, I don't think I want to be friends with this person anymore. I got one. I got a good one. We were at Korean barbecue and this guy was telling a story where clearly he grew up with more money than anyone we've ever met, but he was trying to pretend that he hadn't so he could be relatable. Oh, I love this guy already.

He goes, I'll tell you his name, he's fucking awesome. Cool. But he goes, when we were growing up, we had this person who lived with us and worked in conjunction with us and was like, and I said, hold on, do you have a maid? And he goes, no, no, no, I go, what color was she? He goes, she was black.

And I went, you had a fucking maid. And he goes, no, well, she was more than that. And I go, hold on maid. And he goes, no, well, she like, she was more than that. And I go, hold on, how much money did you have? And he's like, this isn't the story. And I wouldn't let him tell the story. Cause I was like, you're trying to paint around the fact that you had maids growing up. And then his wife's like, he grew up with horses.

And I went, what the fuck? And then I ruined his story. It was a great story. We never even heard the story. I just was like, I loved that he was dancing around the fact that he had money growing up. And then he thought that would bother us. I was like, fucking tell me you're rich. I don't give a fuck.

I love rich people's stories. There's so much more fun. There's so much more fun. You ever heard George Clooney tell a poor story? Gross. When I was struggling in Kentucky before Grey's Anatomy or fucking, I don't know. He was on Facts of Life. He was on Facts of Life. He was on Facts of Life and he was beautiful. He's always been beautiful. He's always been beautiful.

When he got on ER, that's that for me, that, that, you know, I was like, ER, you mean erect, you know, right now. Yeah. Do you remember St. Elmo? Was it St. Elmo's was the one Mark Harmon was on? Who's Mark Harmon? The actor. Just kidding.

Okay. So a game I like to play called, what if I didn't know who that was? Mark Harmon. That's a great game. It is. You know what I used to do in high school? What I used to do in high school is I'd say like if I said a joke that bombed in front of, there was a girl in my class named Siobhan, right? Yeah. White girl. But always had a little, like she did something when she started to develop boobs, breast, titties, whatever you call them. She, uh, she would wear a, Wait, we knew what they were the first time. Breast titties,

You're gonna make my mustache fall out, Burt. She would put a strap of the bra down her, uh, her titties and we would call it split in the difference, but it was, she had just started to get boobs and it was a tactical move. Some girls knew what they were doing. She was like, that strap would just go right down the middle and it would just highlight them even more. So anyway, Siobhan, I'm painting a picture.

Siobhan, I'd say something funny like, or I'd say a joke if somebody was like, oh I didn't, I was late to class and I was like, yeah, is that because you were trying to suck somebody's foot? Or I don't know, bang bang. And then nobody would laugh and then I'd go, oh you haven't seen that? And they go, what?

I go, it's an Al Pacino movie. And they go, oh, and I go, you gotta get out more, Siobhan. So I basically act like it was a live movie. And then make them look like a fucking movie? That's fucking brilliant. You can have it. Can I try it? Can I try it? a live movie. And then make them look like a fucking idiot. That's fucking brilliant. You can have it. Can I try it? Can I try it?

Please. Okay. Uh. Yeah. Hey, uh. Hey. I can't think of a fucking. Yeah, I don't know.

It's tough. It's tough. Yeah. Well, I mean, I was. I have so many bits going through my head right now. But see, you're okay. But they're funny bits. Yeah, it's gotta be a not funny bit, you know?

Like who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who's who, it's tough. It's tough. It's tough, yeah. Well, I mean, I was- I have so many bits going through my head right now. But they're funny bits. Yeah, it's gotta be a not funny bit, you know? Who's funny these days, Dr. Phil? Oh boy, well, you two are at the top of the game, I'll be honest. Oh, that's so nice of you, Dr. Phil.

No, I appreciate the consideration of even being here, but who else do I like? Carrot Top is still pretty funny to me. Great. But I've seen him for a while. So it's like, again, you're sticking with it because people have told him, hey, stop fucking around with windmills.

You know? Stop fucking with your pops. Yeah. You're already named after a fucking vegetable. You know? Yeah. You know, Dick Butt Kiss over here. So, you know. Who's that? Dick Butt Kiss butt kiss over here. So, you know, so who's that?

Dig butt kiss. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, is it? I'm doing your bit back. Yeah. My blood just kicked in. Keep going.

This is good. Yeah. Well, um, more comedians. Who else do I like? Um, I'll say a comedian. You tell me just let's just word association. Okay. More comedians. More comedians. Who else do I like? I'll say a comedian. You tell me. Just let's just word association.

Okay. Great. Just one word. I'll say the name of the comedian. You say the first word that pops your mind. I love this. We got some theme music for it. Perfect.

Go ahead. Jeff Ross. Bald. Okay. Kevin Hart. Enormous. Talent. So he has two.

Yeah. Bald. Okay was really good. Relatable. Give me another one. John Mulaney. Oh, addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But knew how to spin it into something positive. Really, he took, you know, he did all the things that you normally get in trouble for and turned it into a career. Totally. I took, you know, he did all the things that you normally get in trouble for

and turned it into a career. Totally, I mean, it's funny when- He likable, that's my word. That's a big one. Likable. Yep, you nailed it. It's also- Very seldomly do you go to rehab.

Can I finish the fucking sentence first? Jesus fucking Christ, we know your bus kicked in. But your attention span is decreasing by the minute. Truth bomb. And we're back. Yeah, it's fun to do, isn't it? Pow, pow. Pow, pow, bang, bang.

I do think that when people you don't expect to have drug problems have problems, it makes you feel a little bit better about your life. It's almost like when you saw the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial, you go, holy shit. When he was like, and he was so fucking cool, she was like, he threw a bottle of Pino at my head. And Johnny was like, it was a point bitch, you know?

And I was such a fan of the way he conducted himself. Cause he didn't, he knew A is an actor, but B he, he was, you know, uh, secure in the way that he was not going to be taken down and, you know, unfortunately she's a bad actress and couldn't pull through. But Johnny also, we all have issues. Again, and Tractor 25 is about Johnny Depp. Really?

Not about his issues, about the second Pirates movie and the plot holes I found. But I do think that there's, I think there's something about reality TV. You ever watch Love is Blind or Love is Deaf or Down Syndrome Buck Naked Love or Too Hot to Handle or Just a Tip or Don't Tell My Parents or I Thought You Were Wearing

a Condom or Anal Island or Fuck Boat or Fist or Foot, which is a fun one. Or My Giant Tumor on TLC, you ever seen that? That's great, yeah. Quick way to go, fuck, at least I'm not that guy, you know? At least I don't have a tumor on my cock. I might have missed a cable payment at least I'm not that guy. At least I don't have a tumor on my cock. I might have missed a cable payment, but I'm doing just fine.

Yeah. What was the question? Love is blind. No, no, what's the autistic one? Love on the spectrum. Love on the spectrum. That fucking shows. Chugs of my heartstrings.

Oh, makes me think I should have dated more autistic women. You should have. They're fucking so honest and upfront. I don't want to kiss you. And I'll be like, ah, we got that out of the way. I'll just drop you off. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Is that bad?

No, it's perfect. No, it's honest. And truth is funny. You guys know that. Bert, I saw you recently. And you told a story about your dog passion. Oh, shit. And it was, I'm sorry to bring it up, and you told a story about your dog passion. And it was, I'm sorry to bring it up,

but it's one of the best stories I've ever heard in my entire life. And you said you're debating about putting it into something special, but I just wanna give my full endorsement that you should. One of the best stories, how do you craft a story? Both of you guys, how do you keep an audience engaged? Usually Tom will come up with a story

and then he'll run it by me, I'll punch up with a story and then he'll run it by me. I'll punch it up for him and then he'll tell it on stage. What a great benefit. Yeah. It's really good. It is. That's how it works. Tom will put a couple of Jews in there.

Yep. Sure. Oh yeah, I love to do that. Wait, how do you write a bit, Tom? How do I write a bit? Yeah. Do you write on stage? Because he drops bits that he's not

telling bits in this special, the one he's getting ready for, that are my favorite things he's ever said. And I go, take it out of the podcast, it's so good. Leave it, put it in, and he's not telling those. Cool. Oh, that's great. Yeah, you find moments on the show, I'm sure. It's where a podcast isn't that good.

Yeah. It's because if we say something really funny, we take it out and we use it, we sell it to Netflix. Yeah. That's smart, but that's a benefit. No offense, that's why you guys like other podcasts, is they put all their bits in to Netflix. Yeah. That's smart. That's a benefit. No offense. That's why you guys like other podcasts. They put all their bits in the podcast.

No way. No way. If it's good, we take it out. That's true. You know, you guys got the best art though, you know? Yeah, it's a good set. It's a great set. It matters.

Wait, now tell me this though. Do you write, I know some comments. I'm on stage. I'm right on stage. Yeah. Do you go in with a little nugget? Yes. Yeah. So you're like, okay, so like. Here's an idea. Yeah. Do you go in with a little nugget? Yes. Yeah, so you're like, OK, so like. Here's an idea.

Yeah. And I start with like, if I tell a story, I like to tell the exact story of what really happened. You do little exaggerations, then you find what really connects. And you work on this, and then you try to trim the fat. So I always over tell a story. Sure.

So it's too long, there's too much information. And then you work on trimming it down. Ron Sigler's a good storyteller too. Great storyteller. I feel like you guys all are in the same boat. Can I share my favorite bits of both of yours? Yes, please. Tom, you did a bit, I think it's on the album,

where you're dressed like Michael Jackson. Yeah. Pre-abuse. Thrilled, yeah. Yeah. And it was such a great album. And you told a bit about, I think it was such a great album and And you told a bit about I think it's a cousin who always has invention ideas. Yeah. Yeah, because that's based on it's a real story I know it is. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah tell yeah, he was he was always saying shit like what if like

you are driving and you could just like Think a thought and then your radio would just put that on. I was the fuck are you talking about? He was like you know you could really make that. I'm like yeah if you were a fucking NASA engineer dude like he always just throw out these things so I just you know I mean you punch up the story but it's really based on him. Yeah. And it's so relatable because everyone's got a million dollar idea. Yeah. Everyone's got that shark tank. People see shark tank and they see that someone come

and go, hi sharks, tired of being cold at night, introduce in the blanket. And then they're like, okay, you fucking. Yeah, my favorite is when those guys come in to the shark tank and they tell them their idea and they're like, and I'm offering, 2% of the company for like $5 million. And they're like, so your company's already worth

like 500 million, what are you talking about so your company's already worth fucking 500 million? What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You haven't seen any little people on Shark Tank yet. No. That bums me out. I'm starting to wonder why, you know? Because they usually-

Do you think they don't have inventions? Well, that's not where I was headed at all, but yeah, they might be tinier. Do you think they, if you see the world like this, everything seems like a big idea to you? Like remember the first time you went to Toys R Us as an adult and you realized how small it was? That's probably being a dwarf all the time.

Your perception's off. Yeah, it is. But a dwarf invention would be what? They'd go in and go, you know, high sharks. What if everything had stairs? And they're like, I'm saying that. Oh, and then they look down. And then they go high sharks, you know, tired of not being able to reach the top shelf to

get your cinnamon toast crunch and introducing the, you know, the step stool, but it's shaped like a pot of gold and a rainbow. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah. So they can climb up leprechauns, oompa loompas, dwarfs. Who's the most famous half size? Oh, leprechauns. I think so. Oompa loompas, though, got probably the most credibility. But they're also like slaves in a way, right? They put in the hard work. They did.

They're the unspoken heroes. Why don't they ever kill Wonka? There was like 95 of them. Because the real Wonka was actually, they loved him. They revered him. You think they looked up to him? Yeah, I think they really did. He gave them a place to make candy or whatever.

Yeah, but do they really love it? Because everyone goes, like Brad Williams. First time I him? Yeah, I think they really did. He gave them a place to make candy or whatever. Yeah, but dude, they really love it because everyone goes, like Brad Williams, first time I met Brad Williams, I go, where are the Skittles? Yeah, that was disrespectful, but because I didn't even introduce myself first. I just said, where's the candy, you tiny little fucking thimble? We laughed later, but over text, but he's,

Over text. But he's, I assumed candy was a part of his world, but he's like, he's a you know I just I assumed candy was a part of his world but yeah no it's just a movie you know wires not really spider man kicking him in the ass waiting for candy to come out his nose you must have watched the fucking ring cam yeah God tried to but he's not a pinata as much as he dresses like one they got to be so pissed about like just elf calls. Oh, we got a brand new on the 5k. Yeah, Brad Brad Brad Williams do the 5k either one it'll take him either one half boy. That's a show pit versus I came to Brad Williams It's got to be like it's got to be like a half marathon. Yep, pretty much. I've seen Brad run I played a basketball with Brad Williams once how was that?

Clean it up his fuck. It was great. He's yeah He's I mean he's got he can move around watching Brad run I once saw him on a, um. Do you do a respect thing where you don't go for every block? Like, do you kinda? No, I, no, I dominate. Really?

Yeah, oh, I used to go to elementary school, it's just for a little mood boost. Yeah. And just do full on, Billy Madison, remember that scene where he's just swatting the shit out of those fat gingers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, who was a kid, remember he grabbed his cheeks

and he goes, you know, you don't ever say that again. The kid was like, I want to stay in school forever. Remember? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can't believe Bob Barker's dead. Yeah. You know, they just sold his house on eBay. It's right by, no, I'm thinking of Pat Sajak. He's not dead. He's dead. No, he's not. Trebek is dead. Alex Trebek. Yeah. That his house is right by the base of Freiman Canyon. Was it nice? Yeah. What is no shit? Fucking gorgeous. It was fucking gorgeous. Thanks Tom. We're just going to skip over my Jeopardy joke. What is? No, I didn't know that's the show he hosted. Yeah. You didn't know Trebek hosted Jeopardy?

I don't. They all landed in one. Alex Trebek, let me tell you one thing. If I ever get cancer, Trebek is my, you know, knock on, you know, knock on a... Formica. Formica, is that what this is? Sturdy table. Did Joe Rogan's guy make this? Yeah, I think he did actually.

Every time I listen to a Joe Rogan podcast, you've got another friend making a table for him. Or a knife. Or a knife or a steak. Or a knife. Or a knife or a steak. Or a pipe. Or a pipe. I want friends like that that just go, hey, you want a table?

Yeah. I don't know, I just called you for directions. You want a new leather bound book? Eli. He would have been, Joe Rogan's, his fans would have held up the wall in Game of Thrones. I think so. Like they're all like know how to make things

that look like that would be on the watch. Yep. So Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy and when he got cancer towards the end of his life, it was sad. That mac and cheese Oso combo is strong. Yeah. It's strong. Like you remember when, um, when Fozzie Bear first did stand up on the Muppet show and he crushed, that's kind of how's kinda how the same feeling

of the oh-so, the buzz I'm getting. Yeah. Yeah. We'll keep it in. But what Trebek did would impress me. Shania Twain's always singing about that, don't impress me much. Always, yeah. So you got a car. Who gives a fuck? All right, what was it? You got a car.

It's a 2008 Ford Escape, you fucking twat. Still making payments on it, right? But. That don't impress me much. At one point she says, so you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. And I was like, bitch, you'd fuck Steve Pitt if he took you to the Olive Garden.

But I digress. Trebek, when he got cancer, he was always shooting from the hip, okay? Talk about a finger gun guy. Probably a finger guy too. Trebek struck me as a guy that like, he was like, you know, I'll take you on a Metro bus, we'll go to Santa Monica, then Culver City,

on the same bus, different route, same finger. Inside you. You remember getting fingered on the bus in middle school? We were doing it, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Don't cancel me. Roller skating rinks. Yep, yeah. No. Don't cancel me. Roller skating rinks.

Yep, you finger while you're skating? Yeah. All right, Apollo Ono. Yeah. Really? No. No, that's impossible, Bert. No, no, I wanted to.

I watched couples finger each other. While they were skating. While a couple skating and he'd have his hand in her pants and fucking blasting her and I was like, their parents aren't here? No, the parents, yeah. They were not here. If you're getting favored on a roller skating rink,

you don't know your parents. You don't have parents. Yeah, and I'll talk about that in chapter 29. Damn. Where are your parents? You're probably getting fingered next to the skating rink. But Trebek, I'll get this story in, stay with me. Yeah.

The contestants were always so nervous around Trebek because he had a lot of, he's been on the show for 59 years. And so when they would do the personal information portion of the show, where are you from? And then the girl would go, well I'm from Tacoma, Washington.

And he'd go, loser or something. Towards the end he was like, cool fucking story bro. And then I remember one girl, her name was like Mary. And he goes, Mary it says here, he's reading his fucking story, bro. And then I remember one girl, her name was like Mary. And he goes, Mary, it says here, he's reading his fucking card, he got a couple bullet points.

He didn't give a fuck though, because he's about to die. And also he's been doing Jeopardy for 59 years. The Daily Double, I mean, if he had to, I guarantee you Trebek was like, if I have to say congrats, you found the Daily Double one more time, I'm gonna bite someone in the neck, Chewbacca style.

So this girl, she goes, we just got married. He goes, it says here, you just got married. And she goes, yeah, we had a Star Wars wedding. And she goes, we had storm troopers dressed up, people are all our groomsmen and dressed up as storm troopers and the girls, the bridesmaids dressed up as Princess Leia. And Trebek verbatim goes

Nerd alert and then moved on to the next guy and they kept the camera on the girl and she goes Ho Just was like didn't know how to react and Trebek because getting made fun of someone on their show sucks But especially he was a couple weeks away from dying and I spent a few of his last words to be like you fucking Imagine dying and having to hear about people's nervous stories on fucking television. Yeah Oh, and she can't get you know, she can't you can't say anything back to Trebek because it'll score you off the the Sony lot Yeah, but you know, she was driving home being like I'll fucking drive over there right now and get a daily double For that house. I want to see how much that house costs. He's really into the cost of things Well, well when you look at some of those houses in california, it's too much

It's fucking if he gives you his address right now. Do you look it up? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's one two four money fucking business. You gotta edit his name out expensive house Yeah, I know it's one to four money business. You got an edit his name out Expensive house he gave we were going to a baseball game and I said so do you want to pick me up? He was just come to my house. I'll drive I went cool So I got his address and I personally I did a zillow did and it was four million dollars and I went so funny I casually remember him saying he paid eight million for this house. Hmm, but that's fine If you want a puppet member, that's fine. So I go to the house, I knock on the door,

and from a house across the street, two doors up here, over here, cocksucker! I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm not giving you my fucking address. You'll zillow how much I paid for it. I had already done it, I had already done it. Already did it. He said you'd do another house?

He said, I'd be doing a different fucking house. That's psycho. That's psycho. And then he met you to another house? He sent me to a different fucking house. That's psycho. That's psycho. And then he met you at that house? And then he just was waiting for me and he was sitting on his front door waiting for me to go knock on their door. Holy shit.

I got another game I'd love to play with you guys. How are we doing on time, by the way? We're good, we're good. Okay, good. What do you guys usually do here? About an hour? Yeah. About an hour or a little more.

Okay, well let me get this game real quick. This is called Tom and Bert. Do you know each other? Okay. Favorite color? Bert? Blue. Tom, what's your favorite color? Blue. Did you guys know that? I did not know you. I know you have blue eyes.

I didn't know that that was his favorite color. It's my power color. Navy blue is probably my favorite color. My toenails are painted blue. When did you start painting your toenails? I started a long time ago, but I started doing it a lot more when I had girls. Yep, yeah, cause it's a,

yeah, we'll come back to that. Favorite actor? God, I can't say Brad Pitt. You can. He's so hacky. No, but it's up there. I'll start it off. I got it, I got't say Brad Pitt. You can. He's so hacky. No, but it's up there. I'll start it off. I got it, I got it.

Go ahead. Wait, let me guess. You're never gonna, I will actually give you $10,000 right now in real life if you guess. If you guess, and I'll whisper it to Tom. Okay. I have a joke answer and I have a real answer. Okay.

My joke answer is Rita Rudner. By the way, you're closed. What's your real answer? Well, now you're making me think it's Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks' wife. No, no, no, no. Also, that was a second joke answer. It's a man, I'll give you a hint, it's a man. I knew that.

It's not Leo DiCaprio. It's not Tom Hanks. It's not Denzel. No. Could be Ben Kingsley. No's not Tom Hanks. Uh-uh. It's not Denzel. No. Could be Ben Kingsley. No. But it could be. Holy, hold on, did you put it up somewhere?

Hold on, hold on. Hang on, keep going. That was a, but it could be. Well, I want this bad. You know how many Kraft Mac and Cheese portables I could buy? Please get this right. God fucking damn it. I think I'm, now my mind's all over the place.

You ever watch the Postmates driver try to find your house late at night when you ordered a Slurpee because you had too many edibles? If you get this. And then he cancels and leaves a Slurpee outside your house with a picture of it spilled on the curb? You're so close. You're so close. He's not Ben Verene. No. Fuck. I said Ben Kingsley and then you got all weird.

Who else is Ben? Who else is Ben? Ben, Ben. Uh, Osama Bin Laden. Ben. His name's not Ben. I'll give you a hint. His name's not Ben. But you're so close. Who rhymes with Ben Kingsley? No, no, no. You're so close. You're so close. You're close in a different way. I feel like we're playing Wordle.

Yeah, if it's not Ben Kingsley... But you're so close. How the fuck is it not been or sound like Kingsley? But it I keep Ben Kingsley because we were kind of just give me a hint. Hey Martin Luther King. No, I'll give you the hint Okay, it's that they've worked together. And so that's why he was thinking like as soon as I've been Kingsley. Oh Oh shit. Well, but that could be anybody. Yeah, he's been a lot of stuff Kingsley's But I mean Colin Firth is what I think But it's not that guy

Fuck Leave here with $10,000 come on, I know Tom. I'm doing my best. Oh Fuck wasn't P. Diddy It could have been. He worked with a lot of people. I just fell over myself. That's okay. All right, final answer.

Fuck, I wish I could phone a friend. Remember who wants to be a millionaire when you can phone a friend? Oh yeah. That was always my biggest gauge of like, that's how I know I still trust you and want you in my life. Because sometimes you'd hear Regis being like,

all right, we've got David on the phone. He's gonna call Sam in Burbank, California. And then he'd call the guy. And then the guy was like, all right, Dave, what's the capital of Florida? And the guy on the other line was always like, dude, I don't fucking know. And you're like, well, you just wasted your fucking life

and your chance at five mil. So I wish I could do that right now, but I can't. So if I can't say Ben Kingsley and I won't say Colin Firth, and I wanna say Judith Latt, but I think she went downhill after who's the boss. Fuck. Not David Hyde Pierce, not David Alan Greer, not Tommy Lee Jones.

He's great though. He is great. I'm trying to name every actor, Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett, 40 days and 40 nights of no fucking and no strawberries. They bought his house, what's his name? Alex Trebek's house for $8.3 million. Get the fuck out of here.

On the corner of Freiman Canyon. So every day everyone walks by your house because they go for a hike, $8.3 million. How much did the Brady Bunch house go for? Ooh, that went for a lot. Somebody bought that. I think Lance Bass bought it or something. He did actually buy that.

Yep, weird. Isn't it weird how many Lance Bass facts you figure you have just roaming around your fucking... Didn't he go to space? I don't fucking know, don't look at me like that. You think I just go to LanceBass.com every morning when I'm drinking my purple sun kissed? Fucking pervert.

All right, I'm gonna get purple sun kissed fucking pervert All right I'm gonna get an answer going here and I want to get it right Ben Kingsley. We're in the vicinity We're rounding Kingsley Boulevard taking a ride down. It better fucking be this street naked a sexy answer It's not come on do they pit I know. You're a fucking beast, do it. I'm gonna give you a really big hint. I'll tell you the one I want to say. You can still get ten grand? I'll give you a really big hint. For a hundred bucks., 100 bucks. For a thousand dollars. That's cool.

Oh, shit. For a thousand dollars. A really big hint, okay, hold on. We talked about TC, Tom Cruise, but I wanna take that off the table because I think it can't be someone we've talked about. You ready? Yep. You're gonna have to edit this, but it's perfect. Tom Sell, no, shit.

He doesn't know. I don't know. I don't recognize. Part of me thought that was the Family Ties theme song. It's my favorite. It's my favorite picture, which I've tried to recreate a hundred times. Okay, how about this?

Take it off the table. I want to get it though, but take it off the table. And how about just a nice dinner with you and one of Joe Rogan security guards Okay, best this is I will be using this in some sort of branding somewhere Ray Winston, that's your favorite actor fucking love that guy cool. He's in the voice of Arby's He's in the New Gentleman, he's in Sexy Beast. I haven't seen either one of those.

Fucking. That's why you should make it a sexy answer. And you beast, he said you beast. Fuck. Yeah, I'm not. Ben Kingsley, you ever seen Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? No, I suck at it. When he goes up to the fucking, the guy, the TSA guy,

and he goes, all right, don't wanna make an issue with this, but I don't think all you guys are like this, all you Spaniards, but he touched me, touched me in my front bottoms, made me nervous. So I sat down, I told him, I don't like my cigarette, I don't think you guys are all, it's fucking the best goddamn movie. It's a fucking great movie.

Say yes, Val, say yes, yes, Gal, yes, Gal, yes. Val Kilmer's in it? Gal, his name's Gal. It's such a great movie and they just did a TV show out of it and I'm obsessed. I'm a big movie guy they just did a TV show out of it. Yeah. And I'm obsessed. I'm a big movie guy. I just saw Shanghai Nights for the third time. I just spit vodka all over my only jeans.

That's OK. Is that the brand name? Yeah, it's Only Vans jeans. Only Vans jeans. I bought them from an Only Fans girl. Only Fans. Now that's something you want to talk about. I just chipped my tooth. No way. No, I didn't. All right. Hey,

um, hey, let's go back to strip clubs. What's it like to be you? Can we go to a strip club right now after this? I'd love to dress like this. Can we all go to, I mean, we'd have to leave immediately, dude. Let's go to strip club. You want to go strip club? Well, what's more important this or that strip? Wait, oh, well, this is, yeah how about this, TBD? You're gonna be in Los Angeles soon. Is Christina okay with you going to strip clubs?

I don't know, I haven't asked. Yeah, I don't really tell Leanne strip club protocol. Well, cause here's the thing, I don't want, I wouldn't go for the dance, I'd go for the camaraderie. Yeah, the fun. Well that's South Florida. Florida is, Florida is strip club energy. Leanne understands that, she goes, no I get it, you go, you have fun with your boys, you get. She goes, no, I get it.

You go, you have fun with your boys. You get a lap dance, whatever. It's fine. Yeah, the lap dance too is like, Can get aggressive. It can get aggressive. I remember I was in Alaska once. Quick Alaska strip club story.

So I'm in Alaska. I'm doing a conference. Go ahead. Great American Bush Company? No, well, maybe actually. Yeah, that's the name of it. It was in, was it Anchorage? Anchorage is Anchorage.

There was a place called Coots. It was a bar. Chilkoot Charlie's. Chilkoot Charlie's. Yeah. And I was doing some sort of a conference there. They took you to the strip club. I know the strip club.

Oh my God, this rules. Okay, I knew we were Eskimo brothers. Legit. Legit, yeah. We both fucked in Eskimo. That's cool. So I left Chilkoot Charlie's, a famous bar. Eskimo. That's cool. So I went left chill could try as a famous bar. Look it up. If you're around there, go.

They've got like 19 bars. One of them is called the bird room because it's where they like killed an ostrich in front of its family or something. Tom will never go there in his entire life. He will never step foot in Alaska. No, I went to Alaska to chill. Who Charlie's, he will never go to Charlie's. It is not your vibe. Yeah, it's weird. It's like a strip mall with a bunch of bars in it. But it's got like a fish stand, the food's good. There's just a bunch of bars.

One of them is like an earthquake hit the bar. So the room is like upside down, like Pee-wee's Playhouse, right, minus the puppets and the masturbation. And you went from the bar, they took you to the strip club from there? Yeah, so I get it. Pull up a video, a picture of it, Great Alaskan Bush Company.

I follow them on Instagram. So I go get a fish sandwich. They've got like a drive through window in the bar, Tommy. And I go, let me get a fish sandwich to go. And I go put ketchup on it because I'm a fucking freak. And I'm eating the sandwich on the way over and I spill ketchup on my pants. Classic Phil. OK, ketchup drips right out of the sandwich. I'm a little messy. I think I got condiments on my pants, that's what she said, and there's ketchup all over my knees at the same time.

I go in the strip club. We got about 10 minutes before shop closes up. Semisonic is already in the fucking playlist. Closing time, some fucking poor guy's in the corner going, hoist, and I got this girl dancing on me, and she's dancing. She's doing a good job. She knows there's about seven minutes left. It's go time. It's Kobe in the fourth quarter. Yeah. And she's going hard in the paint like Cedric Ceballos in 1996 versus the Pistons. And so I go, okay, let's do this. She's backing it up, fingering all sorts of weird buttons.

And then all of a sudden she stands up and goes, are you bleeding? Or she goes, do you know you're bleeding? And I go, you know you're dancing, right, still? I guess blood doesn't stop your fucking agenda. So then she keeps dancing over the bloody knees and then gets off and says, you know, that'll be two fish or whatever their currency is. In Alaska, I paid her in fucking cookies or something

and she was big. And so I gave her some treats, I got up, I gave her cash, but it was dipped in Cool Whip, cause she was big. And so I got into the cab, and the cab driver, swear to God, Tommy, goes, how was this juke club? I don't know where he was from, but I don't do accents either.

Could have been Italian, Japanese, Jamaican, and a rabbi. So he goes, how was this juke club? And I go, it was great. Classic case of the ketchup pants. Trying to makebi. So he goes, wait, how did you go? And I go, it was great. Classic case of the ketchup pants. Trying to make small talk. He goes, I've been there. What? What do you mean you've been there?

This is a first time occurrence. But I guess ketchup pants, dancing over bloody knees is a real thing at the Alaskan pushback. Yeah. Full nude. I brought a whole bunch of people there on a work trip thinking it was just casual strip club where like topless

and you could drink at the bar. And the girl sitting next to me, edited her name out, was like, this is full fucking nude. I was like, what? She goes, I'm looking through this woman. And the girl's on all fours with her pussy. And I'm going like, ah, this was awkward.

I thought this was. Oh, you gotta edit this out too. So in real talk. So we bring. How much are we leaving in today? I'll keep it in. We bring. Oh, he looks like he's the son of a strip club owner.

You got to clean this up. Who's on the board, on the spectrum. Yeah. He goes, they've offered me a dance. Oh no. I said, you got gotta get a lap dance. He comes back. He's like this, sits down next to me,

I go, how you feeling? He goes, I'm so stimulated right now. Oh my God. I'm so stimulated? Sounds like it worked. I was like, yeah, they stimulate you again. I go, you didn't come, did you? He goes, no, but I, this, we should leave.

Those strip clubs gonna be fucking wild. You can spend a lot of money in there. I used to see in Los Angeles, not Dallas Reigns, who was the black guy with the fro? Dallas Reigns, I know I need to talk about him. But there was a weather guy, no, sports guy. For K-Cal 9, black guy with the fro. Really impressive fro.

You know that guy. Yeah, I know that guy. Oh man, it was one of the first celebs I met in LA when I went to a set up shop there. And it was at the Rhino downtown. You know where that is? The Rhino. The Screamer Rhino. One of the better strip clubs in Los Angeles.

And he was sitting in the corner in like the VIP booth, the champagne room. And I walked by and I gave him. There he is. Jim Hill. This guy is a man. Son of a bitch. He's the sports guy. Yeah, oh he's a sports guy. He knows how many rebounds Tom Chambers got

and how many kids Denise has. So I'm just saying he knows stats. Oh yeah. On strippers and athletes. So he's in the corner shooting me finger guns and I'm just avoiding eye contact because I don't want him to see me there. Because I hope, you know,

how do I know he's not going to talk about me on the 10 o'clock news? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In other news, Dr. Phil's, you know, getting a hand job from a two legged cinnamon twist. Some of the strippers are crippled. In real life, you can edit this out. I forgot it was Dr. Phil. And he said, Dr.

Phil, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. I'm fucking wasted. OK,? And I go, oh yeah, oh fuck. I am fucking wasted. OK. We should go to the strip club. Let's wrap it up. Let's go to the strip club. How do we end?

How do we end strong? I mean, we did the game. I mean, we could take a shot. Let's do a shot. We could do a couple more questions. No, it's hard to top that. I think that's great. This has been a great episode.

Yeah. How does this rank for you guys? Oh man. Pretty fun. This is so fucking fun. Come back again. I do want to say Bert you're gonna be a guest on the Dr. Phil live show in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store.

Netflix is a joke and we're gonna live stream it. Tickets at Dr. Phil live.tv. And Dr. Phil live is at the Comedy Store is streaming tonight yeah yes go buy tickets dr. Phil live.tv and all the episodes are on YouTube wait is Dr. Pimplebobber gonna be there? Pimplebobber is gonna be there and the Goo Goo Dolls Johnny Rezick is gonna be there. Are you being serious? Yep I know you know her. I love her. Me too. She will be cutting off skin tags on me live. I can't wait. Tell her to bring her tools. I cannot wait. She's sexy. She will be cutting off skin tags on me live. I can't wait.

Tell her to bring her tools. I cannot wait. She's already bringing them. She told me I'm bringing my tools. And I said, I'm bringing my toys. So let's have a sword fight. Bang, bang. Whitney Cummings, Nikki Glazer's done it.

Matt Rife, Santino Bobby, Tommy, I think we're knocking one up. We're talking about a date coming up. Yep. With you as well. And it's a lot of fun. They're all on YouTube. Check them out. No, it was a joy to have you here. Thank you for coming. It was really fun. I think we learned something and it's a lot of fun. They're all on YouTube, check them out. No, it was a joy to have you here.

Thank you for coming. It was really fun. Appreciate it. I think we learned something. We had a lot of laughs. And I gotta be honest, I don't wanna just throw a come in your Happy Meal, but this is just, sorry, I'm trying to, you ever just try to coin phrases that aren't phrases yet?

People know, I'm not down with that, you know? But it's, you know, I don't wanna bark. I don't wanna put another Jew on the fire, but. Yeah, yeah, well, mine was a little safer, but this is the best vodka I've ever had. Thank you very much. And I'm not down with that, you know. But it's, you know, I don't want to. I don't want to put another Jew on the fire, but. Yeah, yeah. Well, mine was a little safer, but this is the best vodka I've ever had. Thank you very much. I appreciate you. Hey, pour me an Osos.

That's what she said. We'll be right back. Thank you, guys. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and smile, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.