2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

Stavros Halkias Tickets: http://stavvy.biz/tour Chris Distefano Tickets: https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/tickets SPONSORS: Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. If you’re 21+, try VIIA! For 15% off AND a free gift with your first order head to https://viia.co/BEARS and use code BEARS! #viiaparter Head to https://acorns.com/BEARS or download the Acorns app to get started. Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano return for another sugar-fueled Summer Bears meltdown—this time with bagels, tiramisu, and enough food guilt to keep a Catholic therapist booked for years. The boys break down Chris’ ChatGPT pep talk, reminisce about Stavvy's golden toothless years, and spiral into a deep dive on Neapolitan ice cream fraud, gay NFL cheerleaders, and the politics of bagel orders. Also: Chris reveals his VO2 Max results from a flamboyant fitness coach who may or may not have called him “zaddy.” 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 302 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:00 - 2 Pigs, 1 Pen 00:12:45 - Catholic Guilt Vs Greek Shame 00:23:33 - Sexual Awakenings In Mom's Bed 00:30:31 - A Demeaning Offer & ChatGPT Pep Talk 00:43:50 - Social Media & Rage For The Gays 00:52:01 - Men In Women's Sports 01:00:02 - Zaddy Chris Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, gang, I am going to be on tour starting this September. I'm going to be in London, September 7th, second show added in London. Then we're going to be in Dublin on September 12th. After that, coming to America, November 6th in Memphis, then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Myrtle Beach, Classy Myrtle Beach, Austin and Boston. and we will be adding more shows soon. But if you want to come see me, please check me out there. That's it, baby. And then I will be the big one, September 5th, Chicago Theater, September 11th,

Theater at Madison Square Garden, and then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby. So come see me. I'm also in Boston in October. Got shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier. Just go to chrisDcomedy.com for Tikiwikis. Thanks for all the support. 100%. Cheers.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two Bears One Cave, Summer Bears Edition, number five. Wow. With me, Stavros Halkis, and my pal Chris DeStefano. That's it. We're here. We have just eaten probably 1,500 calories of sweets. I'm so fucked. Honestly, I'm going to fucking kill Benson's spoon.

Dude. Both of you actually are sabotaging me. It's your fault. Sorry about that. This is your only escape from your family. I know that your fiancé is watching what you're eating. Now that she's got you legally, you can't die. Right.

You know what I mean? Until you're married and she gets everything if you die, she's got to keep you alive. There's a lot of egg white omelets. It's a lot of working out. So you and our text chain, one of us as fat as shit, is trying to change this fucking life, Chris. And you pretend like you're a friend who supports me.

But every time I come here, you demand Benson's Spoon gets us. Well, a whole coterie of fucking. desserts. And what am I going to do? Have any self-control? No, I'm going to eat. I'm going to eat the tiramisu. I'm going to eat whatever delicious shit. And there was a bagel. I packed a lunch. I packed a fucking breakfast even. And then I see a bagel. What am I not going to eat the fucking bagel? Yeah, but here's the thing. The lunch that you packed is salmon and chicken and broccoli, so it's the thought that counts. I know. Right now, in the studio fridge, there is salmon, broccoli, and a half cup of rice. I

I didn't even give myself a full cup of rice, and I've eaten three fucking desserts. I love that. You have salmon, broccoli, and chicken in the fridge, and tiramisu in your belly button. I'm fucked. Dude, well, I didn't know what to do because I actually was concerned because Stavros, myself, and Benson Spoon have a group chat where we go over when we're going to come in and film this, what it is. And Stavros just hasn't responded in two weeks. So I texted him this morning thinking, dude, are you dead? Am I going to find your body in Astoria with a half-eaten turkey hill ice cream container, porn, and a mom, I'll vote for Mom Donnie, sorry?

Everything is right except Turkey Hill. You offended me. Sorry. It's not you fantasizing about my death. Did you think I would be eating low-quality ice cream like fucking Turkey Hill? Sorry about that. I'd be Ben and Jerry's up. I'd be maybe Jennings even.

I know, dude. You are sold out everywhere you go. So you are Ben and Jerry's now. You were Turkey Hill three years. In my youth, in my youth, we had the plastic tub with its own little plastic handle. That was the Neapolitan that you got at Costco, the price club, you know, back in the day. And then obviously the strawberry always goes last. Oh, yeah.

They know what they're doing with Neapolitan. That's their way to sneak strawberry and the chocolate and vanilla superstars. The best, dude. And then they sneak a, I don't need a third. You should redo Neapolitan ice cream, and it should be maybe like, now I'm bad with fractions. Um, one-eighth? One, no, hold on. Three-fifths.

Yeah, fifths. That's the only fraction I know from history. No, I like that. Two-fifths chocolate, two-fifths vanilla, one-fifth strawberry. Yes. That's how we do it. Well, and it's also, too, if we're just being honest. Or maybe three-sevenths, three-sevenths, one-seventh.

I also don't want any fruit at all in my ice cream. You know what I mean? It's like, just give me a Brussels sprout. No, no, that's a really good point. How did strawberry sneak its way into being the default fruit ice cream flavor? It's weird, because it could be blueberry ice cream ice cream. It's weird because it could be blueberry ice cream, could be apple ice cream, but why strawberry. We've never even conceived of blueberry ice cream, but it could be.

You know what's wild about it? Pineapple sorbet, have the giv smelling amazing. Mango? A mango would be far too. Now you're talking to the Puerto Ricans. I don't know Puerto Ricans love mangoes. Oh, dude. Do you, you know strawberries are the only fruit that, oh, and not the only fruit.

I know they are a fruit that they have their seeds on the outside. So when you eat them, and that's because they know through nature, they've learned. learned how to procreate and just keep recreating version of themselves. Because when you eat them and then you take a poop, you technically poop the seeds out. The seeds right out. Right out. So they never die, dude. It's like a guy walking around covered in his own jizz.

Exactly. That's what a strawberry is. So it's like, ooh, maybe some jizz gets sitting there. Right. So that's why when you see me in the streets and I have my own jizz all over my face, it's I'm just being a strawberry and trying to keep. That's me saying I want to be immortal. That's my long, everything's into longevity. Children, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, like that guy, the vampire guy, Brian Johnson, who does, who just looks like, you know, he just looks like a gay guy.

Oh, yeah. Like, he doesn't, he just looks like a gay guy with a younger boyfriend. I don't even know if the guy's gay, but whatever he's done to himself makes him look sort of like liberal. Do you see behind the candelabra? Oh, yeah. The Liberacee movie. Yeah, but don't tell him the friends in my neighbor that I saw that. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought, yeah, I mean, there must have been Italian guys who are like, this guy. He's flashy just like me in the 70s. There must have been guys who were just like, Liberace, he ain't fucking gay. Yeah, he's got jewelry. He's got jewelry. He's got talent. Yeah. I think I, first of all, too, I just want to quickly say that although, yes, the sweets were here today.

And I did say in the group chat that I like a little bit extra treats. I said I want my egg whites avocado on rye bread, which was done. And I said, maybe a fun little sweet treat for us. And then Benson Spoon, first of all, Benson Spoon shows up an hour late, dressed like a lesbian, okay? He's got to look good. He is wearing Benson. I think it's gone to his head. Yes.

The Benson Boon comparison has gone to, he came in a jean jacket. Yeah. He does look like he's, he looks like he would finish last in a Benson Boone look-a-like contest. He looks like, and he does look like, to me, even though he does look good, he does look like, he looks like, he would crack his head trying to do the back flip. Yes. He would be. Yeah. Yeah, just, and he does, it is kind of lesbian vibes with his boots.

He looks like a WMBA player going into the game. You know, like when they walk in and they have their cool outfit, like he looks like Caitlin Clark walking into the arena. They're looking good, by the way. Oh, God, so is Benson Spoon, dude. That's why I'm saying it. I want to rub Tiramisu all over his man, pussy. That's the only way.

If I came in here and there was a Tiramisu right, like, in his hole, then I would put the odds down to like 30-7. D. I eat it. It wouldn't even be zero. Let's go 40-60. Well, for you, I get a little higher. Yeah. But he had the Tirmissue and he had the sweets and it's like, we'll eat it anyway because we're both sweet addicts.

But it's as if the Doordash guy just took it and threw it against the wall. The Tiramisu and cupcakes were smeared along the edges of the box. That is another layer of how pathetic we are. We were basically like raccoons just fucking scraping it off the side. I couldn't even find forks at first.

We were doing it with our bare hands. Like 100% of our mothers were here, they would have yelled at us for, 100% you and I would have got yelled at separately by our mother's friends. By the way, it's not like we were doing it in the studio. There's a public common area out there

with other workers don't even work for this network that we were eating in front of and they were probably like, who are these absolute pigs? I know. I know. We started the day very pigish.

Yes. Two pigs, one pen is what it is. That's what it is. We really are disgusting. But I got to be on. honest, at least right now, they're catching us. That's why it's good the cameras on, because I have a sugar rush where my heart is literally beating to a point where it might be kind of dangerous because I've had three coffees. And I literally, I mean, dude, I ate my egg

sandwich and I ate those tiramisu. And I didn't even tell you, dude, I eat a sleeve, not a sleeve. I ate a pack of Oreo cookies. I got from 7-Eleven on the way in here. Just to get going. Dude, just to prime the pump. Yeah. I was doing so good with my diet. And then the last 48 hours, you ever just fall off the rails? What are you talking to? Out of nowhere, like, I don't know what happened. I went to my stepmom's retirement party, and I had, like, some gelato, and I had some, like, a little bit of pasta, and it was kind of like a, like, it warmed me up. Of course.

And then I didn't eat anything else the rest of that night. I stayed healthy, but then I woke up the next day, and it would, dude, I ate a sinabund. I started doing the thing that I used to do. A sinabund. Dude, because I wait 215 right now. I used to be 255. Sure. And I, and I used to do that thing where I would go into the beach.

bagel store and get stuff from my family and I would get oh you know can I get a toasted bagel with cream cheese can I get a bacon egg and cheese uh can I get a bacon egg and cheese on a hero and then I'd say oh what else did she say she wants but all this is for me and I did it and I did it again at the local bagel store in the new neighbor I just moved into where they know you well they don't know me yet but it's new and the guy literally said to me he goes you having a party or something because it was 8 a m and I was like oh I got a big family and he was like you spent a hundred and $30 at a bagel store. So if you're spending

over $50 at a bagel store, that's an issue. Which, who are you talking to? You want to hear a fucked up order? You want to hear what I really would put my nuts on the table? When I'm talking, I'm $3.50, and I'm starting my day with edibles. And I'm like, just

like, let's, you know, and I'm still high from the night before and I'm like, what do I want is a nice, how fucked up my bagel order got? I would do a everything classic, you know, nothing, nothing there, toasted. Two eggs, sausage and bacon. Ooh.

Sausage and bacon, because, you know, there's not enough. And then I, no cheese, but then I would. Keep the saturated fats down. No, no, no, no, no. Because there was enough. For me, there's all about getting every bite uniform and delicious. That's why I got two meats, because God forbid there'd be one bite where there's not a little bit of meat, right? That's why I would get salt.

And I would even, like, take this. apart and like organize every bite. So same problem with cheese. Sometimes it's not uniform. So what do I do? My place, the place I lived at, they had their own bacon, scallion it was like

bacon scallion syraccia cream cheese. Whoa! And that became the cheese. Throw that on there, smear that so every inch of the thing is covered in. I'd add a fucking hash brown into the sandwich. And if my dick was really feeling hard, I would

add avocado before I ate it I would pre-salt the avocado because there's not enough salt in every and that was like my when I'm really a fucking piece of shit and then I would do the thing where I'd be like time for a dessert bagel and just get just get either plain with strawberry cream cheese or I would get a cinnamon raisin within cinnamon cream cheese so and that would be just to start of my day and then imagine having to do this. thing. And then I would be doing stuff, dude. Like, that's the insanity. I mean, I would probably bang some Adderall. I was doing, like, the very the fat guy, the, like, low-grade speedballs of edibles, Adderall. And here's the thing. After you finish that dessert bagel, you were still hungry. You could just keep going

probably. I was, uh, I would just be catatonic for about 40 minutes. Like, I would just be like, yeah, it's like doing drugs. And then I'd be like, oh, fuck. Okay, time of the fucking podcast. You know? And then I would be on. And then I'd be like, How about a whole pizza and fucking 14 wings? You would do that. So do you think there's days in your life for you 10,000 calories in a day, easy?

8,000, 7,000? Yeah, 7,000, no problem. Yeah, why not? 7,000 no problem. By the way, when you were- I can't eat like that anymore. Although, who knows? Even what we did out there was a pretty nice start.

Just take the chicken and salmon and start dipping it in the tiramisu. Dude, sauces? When you get sauced up, because I'm a big sauce boy, sauces will, oh, Korean Barbecue, One of my favorite dipping sauces is purely sesame oil and salt. Yeah. They don't tell you about that. Yeah. There's some special sauces they don't think because they don't think the Gringo knows about it, right?

And then I say, hey, where's my sesame oil? And I see the respect on the Korean waiter's face when he knows. And I'm like, and bring that fucking, there's a red bean paste as well that's good as fuck. Anyway. But you've got yourself under control. This is what happens when we start talking bagels and fucking desserts. My dick's getting hard right now. I love, well, and that's what it is, too.

I love like the truckers listening to this podcast are all careening off the side of whatever interstate they're delivering to I love that we're going to see on the news you know a 30 truck pile up

and all the as like Stavvy was talking about scalia cream cheese shout out to the fat boys and fat girls out there love it hearing this is pornography for the obese

dude you know I got family trying to manage the mortgage the kids' schools the wife wants if she wants a butt thing whatever we got the many defamation lawsuits exactly

dude. I got to buy different hats because I don't like to weigh my hair looks. Sure. Dude, it's just spending money and I said if I'm going to be doing this, I have to figure out a way how to like be smart with the money and how to, you know, like invest properly and I found acorns. You did.

Acorns, dude. I was looking acorns. It's amazing. I feel like a squirrel out there. Acorns. It's easy to start doing more with your money. In fact, you can start automatically investing with just your spare change. Dude, investing, compounding, investing, all that, this is how, this is, if you want to be rich like Tom Seguer and Bert Greischer, the amount of money Tom and Bert made off those poor

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Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus. You get a $5 bonus. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Head to Acorns.com slash bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns tier two compensation provided investing involves risk acorns advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosure at acorns.com slash bears this is an ad by better help these days it feels like there's a lot of advice for everything just get on your phone and you will get advice for cold plunges gratitude journals screen detoxes but how do you know what actually works for you with the internet and information

overload about mental health and wellness, it can be a struggle to know what's true and what actions to take these days. Using trusted resources and talking to live therapists can get you personalized recommendations and help you break through the noise. I'm in therapy. I've been in therapy for a very long time. I'm in couples therapy. It is so useful, such a useful tool to get through. I was worried that I was going to burn myself out in Georgia. I talked to my therapist and my therapist said something I've heard before, but I loved it. It's like eating an elephant, small bites, and the small bite starts with you getting up and working out in the morning. We know that makes you feel better. Keep up with your happiness journal. Sundays are just for your wife.

Make a fun Sunday just for your wife. Listen, it helps. And with over 30,000 therapists, better help is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over five million people globally. It's convenient too. It is the only reason I am talking about them. Online therapy is awesome. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at at BetterHelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. Dude, I got to tell you, I have the best

mattress ever and that so it no this one is awesome and it's a food that i like it's a healthy fat it's called the avocado green mattress you know what i like about them do you know what their primary mission is what's that eco-friendly oh and i know you're mr eco-friendly health conscious dude i want to just put egg whites all over my mattress and eat it on rye bread yeah i love that so they have a health and wellness focus is that right that's what it is dude i'm telling you need because i know you just move too do you need a new mattress dude get the avocado Avocado green. I get to avocado green.

My family loves it. They embody the balance between luxury and sustainability. Really? Dude, people will come in and be like, yo, is that an avocado? Wow. I feel like this is the, they'll lay down and they'll be like, wait a second. Is this the embodiment between luxury and sustainability? Yeah, yeah.

I'm laying down for a second. I'm like, I'm feeling an embodiment between luxury and sustainability. And avocado green mattresses are great because the avocados that they're talking about are not run by the cartel. So innocent people don't have to die. to make the avocado green mattress, but they do have to die to make your avocado smoothie. Is that so?

Yeah. Wow, those are all great points, Chris, but I believe they also have a wonderful pillow. I'm so happy you brought that up because I really want to talk to you guys about the avocado green pillow. Adjustable fill made from certified organic latex, even though we know some of you guys

ain't using latex, and K-Pock for customizable support, also available in ergonomically curved side sleeper design. I love that. They got the down pillow. And they got the pure tallelay luxury pillow that's got that nice buoyancy and consistent support. No fluffing required. Hey, if anyone's going to fluff around here, that'll be made.

All you got to do is head to avocado green mattress.com today and save 10% on avocado's entire line of pillows during their labor day sale. Avocado, dream better. Dream better. Forever. Dream of better actually. It's dream of better Chris. I mean, I got to be honest, though, like, eat, because the immediate guilt that I felt after we ate that. Because I'm not going to be, I'm definitely trying to get in better shape.

I definitely, you know, I understand I'm not. Can I ask you something? Rank the guilt. Okay. You know, so we're talking food guilt, there's sexual guilt, right? When you bust to something that's like, uh, yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah. I don't know if I should have been thinking about this person from my past doing that.

That thing. You know what I'm jerking on. It's like I think the actress Jody Sweeten, who played Stephanie in full house, is smoking hot. Sure. But the problem is what I jerked off to her when she was in the 90s.

Of course. So it's like, you think about that. You're like, yeah, but you're jerking off. Yeah. So. That's true. When you go, your memories need to age up with you.

Yes. Just because you jacked off to something, you jacked off to Save by the Bell when you were in high school. Yeah. You are not allowed to jack off to Kelly Capowski anymore. No, you can't jerk off... It's got to be...

By the way, she was in a procedural. She was in, like, a cop show when I was in high school. She was looking fucking... I jacked off to that level. Yeah, yeah, you can't jerk off to Topanga from Boy Meets World today. You were doing it.

We were all doing it in the 90s. No, but not, she's 14 or something. No, no, no, no. No, it's what I mean... The actor now. Yeah, her now. I'm saying you can't go back and watch. No, you cannot.

Yeah. I mean, Boy Meets World is brutal. They're like literal children. I'm coming to Fred Savage. I'm like that. Yeah, you're like, all right, it doesn't even get to her. You just curly head, you're like, oh. Yeah, you're thinking about Mr. Feeney eating your ass.

No, but it's, you know, nice penis, Mr. DiStefano. So I, because I'm trying to, you know, like get in shape. So I'm aware, I'm aware that I'm not like a fat mess. Because sometimes people yell at me on the internet, like, you always talk about, I'm fat, you're fat, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I, my brain, I have the definite, my parents at times in their life were both overweight. I have the fat gene and I have the guilt. And like I notice like, Jasmine, she has no guilt.

If she eats something, she's like, I let it go. Like, I'm enjoying it. Why would I eat the food and then not enjoy it? Do you think it's just food, though, or do you have a guilt issue overall? It's called being a Catholic. I have guilt because I have guilt about things constant. Like, there'll be times where, like, I'll get in. I don't, you know, I mean, I'm not really that confrontational of a guy.

I want just people to be happy. I'm like, I'm happy with what I. So I try to just avoid it if I can. That's how I am. I'm what's known in my neighborhood as a big pussy. Yeah. So, so I. Hey, guys, we're going to go fuck Chris's girl.

You guys come in. Yeah. He's got talent. So. He's over there shooting free throws with his dad again. We're all going to get head from his girl while he's doing that. While he's shooting free throws over to broom, his dad's holding up. that he's making believe it's a black guy.

I do love that. I mean, we don't have to get into it again that you've told the story a bunch, but I do love that your dad just snuck in racism. Always. Just training you. Like a wholesome father-son moment,

he's like, let's be a little racist here. You know, I've said it before, the name on the broom piece of tape named Leroy, and it's just what it is. The guy's name could have been John. Could have been John. And you say, okay, Leroy's tough.

Could be a name, but then, well, what made it even worse is he taped a weed to the edge of it. Your dad also was in blackface. Yes, he was that. And he was saying the N-word. Yeah, that's what it is.

But in his head, he was doing it in character. Right. He's like, I'm just trying to mimic what you might see in the NBA on the off chance you make it as a 5-foot-8 kid with psorias and a mushroom haircut from super cuts that can hit a one out of every seven threes. Oh, dude, I would just, my mom would take me there and just ask for the number six. Yeah. Oh, it sucked on a lemon tree.

Did you ever get, did you ever go to like a lady's house? Like, did your mom ever have a friend who did cut hair in her kitchen? That we didn't, but I would go to, like, a Dominican lady that wasn't my mom's friend. Her salon was just on the second floor of her. But she was hot, and everyone would go get their haircuts there because her big tits would just hit your shoulder. Dude, my first week in New York, right? I didn't, you know, I was just like, it was like, I didn't know where I was going. I was just, like, walking around namelessly.

You know, being a man, when you're from, when you're like an artsy little fucking, you know, nerd who lives on the East Coast, like, New York is like it feels like Hogwarts to you, you know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be a gay ass wizard, I want to be a gay ass comedian. Right. So to me, New York is like this feel, and it's like, you go

You see, it's like, that's where George Holland went on stage first to Cafe Watt. Totally, totally, totally, totally. You know, all like a little Yeah, yeah, walking by the cellar being like, oh, I'm going to one day, I'm going to be there. Yeah. One day. Yeah, and it happens, and it's like

it's a club. Yeah, and it's like, who cares. And you realize, like, oh, this all sucks. Yeah, this is life sucks. Nothing's good. I mean, the clubs are great, but you just, we're all dead inside. You never get to be happy. Like, happiness is an illusion. That's why we eat tiramisu out of the box that Benson's.

And it's early, by the way. Oh, yeah. It was 9.59 a.m. we're eating tiramisu. Big time. Yeah. And I was rocking the shaved look, you know. I remember. I was fighting my, or, you know, I was shamed by society.

Right. To shave my head back then. And I was looking a little, you know, I had just moved. I hadn't... So I was like, let me just go to, like, a cheap place, get a buzz real quick.

And it was a Dominican woman with fat tits who was gorgeous and who called me Poppy. And I was legitimate. I jacked off, like, in a public bathroom. Yeah. Like, moments after getting that haircut. Like, it might have been, like, a grazed papaya.

I went to some... I was trying to do, like, New York shit. I went to some new... Like, or a bodegade or something. And I was like, do you guys have a bathroom? And I just... Just the idea. of fucking this lady who shaved my head

because I felt her tits on my shoulders and she called me poppy. I was just like... With her nice little Dominican accent. It was insane. I believe it. Fuck, where was that place? Let's go there tonight.

It was somewhere on the east side because it was, remember there was an open mic, Revisions Lounge. Oh, yeah. Revision's Lounge. And I think I even saw you. Dude, I remember when you got here to New York. Everybody loved you right away.

I remember the very first time I saw you, you were on, you know what dude. and Bobby Kelly was one of the first guys to kind of be doing like live streaming. He was, yeah, yeah. And Bobby, you know, has lost a lot of weight now, but back in those days, he was pretty heavy. And you were sitting in between Bobby Kelly

and then comedian Louie Katz and we could chime in on the chat. And I chimed in. I was like, yo, that kid sitting in the middle of you looks like if Bobby Kelly and Louie had a baby because you had the glasses like Louie and fat like Bobby. But I remember, dude, yeah, you came in,

but I remember that shaved. I remember the shaved head missing tooth look was next level, it literally, it was one of those ones where it's like, I guarantee you, the FBI just looked a little bit closer at you because you looked like a guy would be laying on a roof with a sniper rifle, taking shots at the press. It was awesome to be toothless. That was the happiest years of my life, legit. But you still, the thing is what I always said, because people have, I don't know why, people have brought this up to me about you with the hair and the tooth, but like what was going on there.

And I said, I don't know for sure, but I would argue. I said, because the way Stavi holds himself is so confident and you have so much confidence within whatever look or whatever you're doing that I said I bet you he got the most puss during that time I was in a like the close the only time I've been in like a happy relationship was then was then oh that's interesting and in hindsight I feel really bad she was a great girl and like she clearly did not like that I was toothless right like I remember her being just like like she was just like just put the tooth in when you meet my family. I was going to say I would love to see the warning text between her and her family or group chat or sister just saying he's a really nice guy. I crushed it with a tooth in but I met

like some of her work friends without a tooth and she was like she couldn't believe she had to tell me put your tooth in before you meet my work friends. She was so upset. I mean that was probably the beginning of the end. Well I was going to say it's a few years ago like them being like okay wait So what, he lives in an apartment in Astoria, right? He's a little overweight. He's got three roommates. He's got three roommates. He has no teeth.

And his podcast is called Comtown and you want to marry this guy. Honey, we'll do it for you, but we really don't think he's going to work. But yes, that was a beautiful time. The toothless years were the happiest years in my life. But see, because that's the thing is like everything in life is like mindset. And I feel like you're like, like, even before we were talking outside and you were like, oh, like you were like, I, you're getting really good at, like, photography. and, like, you know how to, like, do you. Well, the Stabby, maybe 2026 nude calendar coming out.

Actually, very soon. But you're saying, you have confidence in a way, like, I don't have the confidence. Like, you would see the two of us and be like, oh, he's probably not confident. I'm probably more confident, but it's the reverse. You're very confident, but not in a cocky way. You're confident in a powerful way, and I don't think I can do anything. It's interesting. Why do you think that is about you?

Bring it up the mindset of this is probably feeding back into, like, the guilt and the sweets and that everything is shame, everything. is you're not good enough, everything, you know what I mean? So it's probably Catholicism all ties in. Right. This might just be Orthodoxy versus Catholicism. This is what I'm saying. This is the main difference.

Because we barely are a religion. It's really just a building where you have dances and you can sell luci and like, you know, Suvlaki to like keep things afloat. But it's like, no, we didn't, like I didn't learn lessons about God or anything. I don't know shit about the Bible. Yeah. They didn't teach us any of that shit. And like, there's not that much guilt.

I went to confession like one time because I went to church camp one week and our church camp was just the only camp the only sleepaway camp my parent my parents were like scared I got I was gonna get my whole life which you know part of me I'm like did I black it out? Yeah

you know what I mean like because my parents are so they wouldn't let me sleep over anyone's house they were so freaked out and I'm like did somebody fucking suck me off when I was four and I just completely I've literally like meditated and been like did that guy suck my dick yeah come on I can handle it I can handle it

I'm like yeah yeah yeah just be like come on I'm strong enough now you know open Pandora's box but no I can't think of even though I was adorable you were oh my god I was I peaked at three like I was such a cute baby I peaked at three bro I was so cute little bow tie my mom would dress me up nice

well I feel like it's coming full circle now because now you're starting to look like you're just getting hot again well I've always said four was meant to be in my 40s. Right. I am actually peaking in my 40s because, like, everyone's going bald and can't handle it. Right.

I'm right. Everyone's getting fat and 36. 36, yeah. So I'm getting primed. And I'm just, all I want to do by the time of 40, get big arms. Right. Fat guy with big arms. The best.

In your 40s, great luck. You know, you should do CrossFit. CrossFit is what we'll get. There's no chance I'm doing that. I'm saying, it's what I don't get you. Just an immediate note. Bring in the tear of a seal. Chris, you know, we're basically small business owners.

Small business. Stavi baby enterprises, you know, yes. Am I loaning out some of my expertise here on Two Bears? Yes. But I myself am a small business owner. Yes, you are. I have my own podcast company. I have my own, you know, Stavi's world, obviously. We're on the road.

I have my own road business. Merchandizing, right? I sell the Stave Baby 20, the Stavvy Baby erotic calendar every year. And, you know, I used to. to do that, it used to be brutal. I used to sell my own t-shirts out of garbage bags. I wouldn't track shit. I would lose money.

I would, sometimes I would just, honestly, there were times where I just didn't feel like paying to have it shipped back. If I, I thought I was going to sell a bunch of calendars because I didn't do the math right, and I just left them at a club. You know, there's like, there's thousands of dollars left on it.

There's a funny bone with $700 worth of 20-21 calendars. Yeah, they're just giving them out with like any purchase over $100 at the date and funny bone. Still to this day. Yeah. But I have since. You know what's helped me grow my business?

Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. Such a wonderful e-commerce business. They will help you grow no matter what you're selling. Right. They will help your business grow. Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient.

You kind of scroll down right as I was reading something there. Imagine being able to guarantee the shopping is always convenient. Dude, you got spooned. I got spooked, baby. Imagine endless aisles, ship the customer, buy online, pick up, up in store, all made simpler so customers can shop how they want, and staff have the tools to close the sale every time. Like it.

Mm-hmm. In fact, it's proven, folks. Based on a report from EY businesses on Shopify point of sales see real results, like 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9% uplift in sales on average relative to the market set surveyed. I don't know anything about that shit, to be honest with you. I just know my shit's gotten better since I got Shopify. 100%.

All right, you want these egghead numbers that I can barely read? Or do you want my real 100%? I have used this company, you know, my feelings, because I'm a feelings guy. You are. And I feel deeply about Shopify. I love them. And I think you will too. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today. It's Shopify.com slash bears. Go to shopify.com slash bears. Shopify.com slash bears. You know, Christopher, I know you feel this way. You're constantly moving. You have a family to support. You're dropping off pies to the law enforcement officials in your home, hometown.

Life moves fast for you, and it moves fast for everybody else. And sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge, or stay focused. That's it. Without making things more complicated than they already are. you ever try meditating but then get stressed at about how bad you aren't meditating i do same zies that's why i love via you do yeah because they actually make feeling good easy uh dude via is i would say they're changing the game in natural wellness would you really say that yeah they're combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create a real effect driven results

yeah because i'm sick and tired of getting these pussy cannabinoids dude but via's got No, in fact, they have the solution for you. Via lets you customize your experience, whether you're looking for daily wellness, laser focus, or deep relaxation, a.k.a. the kind of chill that makes you one with your couch. You know, actually, never mind that point I was going to make. Oh. So if you're 21. I was looking forward to it, man.

I think it's actually the kind of thing that they expressly asked us not to do. Right. But, you know what you are going to do? You know where you're able to save yourself there? Because you're relaxed, you're chilling, because you're on VIA. I'm laser-focused due to VIA. VIA. So if you're 21 Plus, check out the link to VIA in our description.

Use the code Bairs to receive 15% off, free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to VIA, get a free gift of your choice. After your purchase, they ask you where you've heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with VIA. What a slogan. no I just want to fucking yeah I can you know

go work out and then fucking get some weights in your new apartment I got some weights brother throw them around I was I was fucking getting swole yesterday hell yeah but I think that I think that's why I was bringing this up because I wanted to bring this up so I got and this is just

you got to tell me you got to tell me because you know at times I could be like a little bitch boy sure in your own your own head and my in my own head a lot and I know it's gay I've seen your comments I know it's gay I mean keep saying it But just know that I'm not, not responding to you because it upsets me. It's just there's so many overwhelming comments of it that I just can't always do it.

They're like, you're not actually homosexual, but you are gay, Chris. Right, I know. And it's also like, it's also like, they're mad at you for not actually being gay. Well, and it's also, too, I just want to encourage, like, please keep bringing the comments, you know, whenever. But I, I've already M&M myself. There's nothing that you've said about me that I haven't already publicly said about myself in a company. I mean, I literally was, I got the, the screaming that I got from my mother. last week for saying that I had sex in her bedroom

was so like just know like I know I know that's interesting I publicly say everything about me always did she not know I mean infuriated she never had any idea

no and like seven of her friends sent her that clip she's like I get a call she goes I see the call coming crib and I say oh oh I kind of just knew and she didn't it wasn't even though because my mom always be like hello where are you

but it wasn't even that I go, hello? She goes, Christopher, why do I have to get the clip of you talking about you having sex in my bedroom from Janine? Why is Janine said to me that fucking clip? She's like, I told you. Stop embarrassing this family on the podcast. And then I was like, and then while we're on the phone, I'm like explaining it to her. Right?

I'm like, you know, Mom, like I'm a grown man now I can be able to say things like that. One of her other friends sent her the clip. She's like, yeah, I swear to God, she's like, no, I'm getting it from Mary. So she did not know you were fucking in her bag. said to her, I said, mom, mom, I get, I get that I, I get that coming out with that is crazy. I get that. But why are you mad? Right. Like, what do you have to wash the sheets? That was in 1999. You already slept in my jizz. Yeah, exactly. You've been rolling around in it for 25 years. Because there's no way you change the sheets. No, dude, and there's no way she changed the carpet.

Dude, I used to do it on the floor, too. I get her floor of your mom's bed. Yeah, just flooding her carpet. But it's one of those things. That's fucking awesome, dude. Just getting screen... Is there a chair there in that room? No, no. It was just straight up bed, bed floor. You know what she used to have in there?

Like, I don't know if you remember this. This was like late 90s, early 2000. Like, pillows of people were... Like, I had an ultimate warrior pillow. I had like, you know, Hulk Hogan pillow. Of course. I remember those guys. You know what I mean?

They were like small... Yeah, yeah. Yes. She had a Rosie O'Donnell pillow. And so you used to lay it on her bed. And I would do things because I was just like sick. I would like, you know, make her bed in the morning or whatever, like she went to work or

you know. Right. And then I would put... Smell her painting. Right. Put him in the nameboard. And I would put like Ultimate Warrior like eating out, Rosie O'Donnell. Or Rosie O'Donnell laying on Hulk Hogan's taint. So she... What were those called? Pillow buddies or something? Because I remember them? Dude, remember those? My mom says she still has some of mine like in the basement. So I'm like,

oh, I got to bring those out. But so... I was a big Rosie O'Donnell's show fan, by the way. I loved it. I was a little kid. I was like, Rosie. fucking rules. I love that, by the way, you saying you're a fan of Rosie O'Donnell right now would divide the audience in half. They're like, oh, are you talking? It was a good show. Yeah. It was a good show. And, by the way, I'm like a fat little child. Sure. I also, this is how funny it was, like, I obviously had no concept of what being gay was. And like, the one thing Greek orthodoxy instills in you is like, oh, gay people are still wrong. You know, like,

they don't teach you any lessons, but they still are like, you should still be a bigot. And I remember literally, I was like maybe, you know, maybe I was like, I don't know, third grade, fourth grade. I remember like, and there were like the, back then it was the rumors of Rosie O'Donnell being gay. And I remember being like, she is not fucking gay. I was like pissed off when someone would call her gay. And I remember praying that Rosie O'Donald was straight. I remember being like, God, just keep Rosie straight. Please.

I don't want Rosie to go to hell. I want her to be in, I want to do her talk show in heaven. I want her to throw a kush ball at me in heaven someday. Yeah, come on. Keep her straight. Make Ricky Lake gay. No, I was a big Ricky friend for other reasons. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So, okay. Anyway, so I'm not going to name the company, but tell me, just be honest, okay, because you, again, I'm specifically doing this because you are confident and I'm like, so if you would handle this in an egoless way, I'd like, okay, but if this is going to even upset you, I'll know I'm more in the right. So I'm looking for honesty here. Okay.

Okay, even though this is a form of entertainment. the show that we're doing. So I say, so I get an email. And by the way, this show is a big show. It's a big show that A-listers do. So I'm aware of that already that this is A-lister's like big guys do it. So they say it'd be we're reaching out with some opportunities and then they name the show. And they say we'd love to feature you and Shane Gillis paired in an upcoming episode.

So right there, but I'm okay with that because I'm like being paired with Shane. That's awesome. I'm like, that's great, dude. Like, seriously. So then she goes, transparently, we've been in communication with Shane's team, but there hasn't been any significant movement. Oh, my God. Right?

So now it's like, that was a sinking fix. I'm like, oh, wait, are they trying to use? We've already emailed Matt McCusker. He's not getting back to us either. Yeah. They say, I know you're tight with him. Let me check my email. I wonder if I got this, too.

No, I actually already pitched you. They said no. I was like, I'm doing two bands would stop me when he worked there. No. They said, I know you're tight with Shane, so hoping it moves the needle a bit more details below. Then they tell me about the show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I say, hey, would love to come on. Do you know when you'd want to shoot or release by? I have a show at theater at Madison Square Garden on September 11th, Christycom, for tickets.

I said so if it can be before then, that would be great. And then I also said, if not all good, let me know, thanks. I'm already being a bit of a wavering pussy. No, that's okay. You're fine so far. But then she writes back, Amazing, yes, just heard we can do it before 9-11. Do you think you can get Shane on board? Hey, yeah, cool, whatever fucking date you want,

but how about the point of what this is really about? So I'm like, okay. Can we double check about your more famous friends? Yes, yeah. That's why we're really asking you. No, they're real. I mean, they're completely fucking your ass. So then she goes, so then I go, I go, okay, great.

And then I just flat out say, you go, Shane doesn't live in New York City anymore, so I doubt he honestly can. I just was like, this way to just protect. because I'm not going to reach out to Shane. I don't have a transactional French. He's like my actual friend. So I'm like, I'm not just going to ask Shane for stuff.

And also, he's not going to fly to New York do this. Shane doesn't do anything. Nothing. It's like, and I get it. And I get it. And it's a huge show. But even that, what does Shane need any of this shit for? Yeah, yeah.

So, so, so then she goes, got you, curious. What about Theo Vaugh? Not even like, oh, all right. We'll just figure it out. We'll find someone else. Next up, what about Field on? Oh, my God. So then they say they want a paired episode.

So transparently, it's kind of contingent on that. Contingent. Then they go, if this opportunity doesn't work, we can also pivot and get you in studio to do some social concepts instead. Awesome. They're like, hey, you know, like, if you can't get somebody better than you, we'll let you do some bullshit that no one watches. You want to do the bull? Yeah. They'll waste your time.

And then I don't respond. Now I'm like, I'm not responding. And then she just this morning goes, Morning, Chris, just wanted to flag the team can travel for the episode. Not sure where Shane is currently based. But if you have a show where he's at, we can do it there. Keep me posted. How do I respond to this?

Wow. So let me ask you this. Yeah. You know that I'm, so even you, who's a confident guy, would feel this. I'm being disrespected. Even though I know my place in this, I'm being disrespectful in it.

I could feel away about that. I think you should just be like, hey, I'm not bait for my more famous friends. Like, I don't want to do your fucking show. Yeah. Like, I don't have to do your fucking show. That, yeah.

I mean, they clearly don't value you at all. Right. The only value is that you, your proximity to Shane. That's all it is. It's them being like, I don't give a fuck about you. Yeah.

Like, let me just be honest. We don't care about you, Chris. Yes. Can you do our job? Right, exactly. So you can be mostly cut out of it? Yeah, dude, just have fucking DM Shane Othiel. Yeah, dude, it's like, suck my ass.

Yeah, dude. I know it's like whatever, but it's like, yeah, dude, and then the, you know, I just, look. But who care, you know, you know, whatever. But that's the good thing. If that happened to me, I think I would just be like, oh, I'm not doing this. You know what? Like, hey, I'm going to politely pass. Even the first one, it's like, I think my spidey sense.

would have gone off a little bit. Yeah. I mean, the very first one, because they're kind of saying it like, they have Shane. Like, if I had seen that, I've been like, this is not happening. Because I just know Shane wouldn't have done that. Right. There's no way Shane would have been like, oh, great, sign me up. And then book one of my friends.

Well, I think, too, what's the good thing? I think what happens is, too, is like everybody kind of wafts their own shit on the internet. Like, the show is humongous. Can't even deny it. But it's like, it's not, like, I'll do your show. I don't care, you know. I mean, I would like to do it, but it's like the level of district, like, I'm not going to go in there with this energy.

Of course. And then I won't be fun or funny. Like, you know, so I'm just like, I just won't do it. I'm just happy doing, I'm just happy where my career is at, which is just taking two bears one cave to the end. Right, right, right, right, right. To the end of the summer and the end of the show. The end of the show.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But so I'm happy to know that even, because I literally, and even my girl, jazz was like, you need to let this go because it's been 24 hours as you talking to chat GPT about what you could say back. Yeah.

No, you can't be doing that. Should I read some of the chat GPT prompts? Hold on. Please. Dude, that's pathetic. You can't do that shit. No, not chat GPT. Yeah, hold on, hold on.

I go. I go. Give me, what, let me know what you asked it. Okay, so chat cheap. Okay, hold on. This is sad. This is more pathetic than fucking in your mom's bed.

Yeah, so I said, so first of all, it's literally, been, it's literally been since yesterday, I've been dealing with this. So I said, I sent them screenshots of the text. I said the screenshots of the email and I go to chat GBT. Can't help but feel like they're using me to get more comedians and feel more established. Oh no, dude. Chat GPDT. You're looking at Chad GGBT for moral support. Yes. And you're also, by the way, you're a bitch talking to chat GVT like, I can't help, but it's not like chat GBT. I'm being disrespectful.

You're like, you're hoping chat GPT says, no, Chris, they value you as a person. Right. You know what I mean? Well, I have to turn to chat GPT because Jasmine just stopped talking to me about it. She's like, I'm going to go in the pool with our children, so you should come and deal. We're so cooked if a man with a family turns to chat GPT. Yes. You have friends.

Yeah. You have friends who deal with this sort of thing. You could have called me. Right. You could have called any number of people. You went to chat. We're cooked. Well, that's what a content whore I am.

I said, instead of just talking about this, it's talking to Stavi about this personally, Let's just do it on the show. It's monetize it. Yeah. It's monetize friendship. Yeah. Which is what podcast is. Hey, but you know what, guys? At least we're not talking about the Ferraris we point each other.

So that's a plus. This is how it starts, though. Yeah, that's true. So then Chachybtee says, from the email thread, it looks like they're initially pitching you as a paired appearance with Shane. But now they're making it sound like the booking is kind of contingent on the pairing. And I said, yeah. And I can't help but feel they think I'm the lesser comic. No, yes, I swear to God.

It goes, then they go. I can't help with it. Yes, yes. Which I am all understanding of. But then they go, then they go, they go, yeah, the way they're phrasing it does come off like they see who has the anchor guest. Only have paired with someone they think has more mainstream pull. It's not that they don't value you. They clearly do.

But their pitch reads like, Chris is great, but we need a bigger name to make this episode. Pop, that's an ego hit, especially when you're already doing huge numbers and have your own audience. I wouldn't say huge, but I do with my own audience. And then they go, listen, this happens a lot in media booking. They underestimate the size and loyalty. Oh, my God, it's giving you a pep talk. Yes, it says they underestimate your size and loyalty of your fan base because they're chasing

what they think looks good on paper. You have to start. You could absolutely carry that episode and probably pull higher engagement than some of the more established comics are naming. Well, not the two they've named. They would definitely crush me in the numbers. Oh, my God. Then I said...

It's giving you a pep talk? Then they go, here's a way you could respond that's professional, but also subtly flips the script. And then they say, hey, totally get you want a paired episode. But honestly, I think we can make a strong one with just us. My audience is super engaged, and I know they show up for it. That's pathetic. It wants you to grovel to them? Yes.

If Shane or Theo can't make it work, I'm happy to still do the show and bring the energy. Oh, bring the energy! So then... You got to stop. So then, and then I go, what would happen if I just didn't respond at all? And then they go, if you don't respond at all, you're sending one of two possible signals. One signal of disinterest, I'm too busy, power move, or a signal of passivity easy to replace. In this case, you'd lose this slot entirely without a fight.

Wow, they want you to fight for it, man. They want me to fight for it. So then I, so then I, um... You can't do it. Don't listen to chat, GPT. You can't do it. So then I go, hey, can you give me a comedic way to respond to them by, by making, just because I know Chachi Bito

send me something corny so they go, I said, but still give me power move, they go, sure, they go, hey, right back, pairing me with Shane or Theo sounds great, I'm in, if you can make that happen, but I'm not going to start stalking comics on Instagram like I'm a TMZ intern. Oh, wow. If you can lock them in,

I'll show up and be funny. If not, I'm happy to come solo and still make a good episode. Then they go, I can also give you a short, one-line zinger version if you want to feel even breezer. Let me say, sure, give me that. Hold on. Let's see what they got. Here's a quick zinger you could drop. Happy to pair up, but I'm not running a dating service for comedians.

Wow. Zinger. Yeah, I mean, this is pathetic. That's pathetic. I mean, I did it. I did it for you. I'm actually now on their side. I am fully on their side. I get it. Going to chat GPT, we got to stop that.

Hey, you know what? At least I was vulnerable enough to tell the audience. That's true. I'm not. That, that, that, that. That's what I think, that's why I think somewhere along the line I do get man points back when I'll just tell everything that I've done. It's true. I'll be honest with everyone.

I'll be honest to everyone except my family. And they'll find out about it through the podcast. Right. They'll find out about your darkest secrets through the podcast for sure. Yes. That's fucking hilarious, dude. All right. So basically, bottom line is I'm going to do the show.

I'm going to do the show. And I've contacted Shane and Theo's reps. No, no. We just see in like a month it's like you and Sal. Are you doing the show? Yeah, yeah. It's just like, do you want to do the show? Should I ask if we could do stomeras?

No, man. You don't even want to do it? No. Just because the way they treated my friend Chris. Appreciate that, dude. Yeah. Thank you. It's ridiculous.

I love that I have morals and I'm standing up for myself here, but then I'll go to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, you're a piece of for that. Dude, I mean, like, I'm wavering if I should not go. No, you're going. You know you're going. Just go, right? Sigura told me to go. I wouldn't go.

go. There you go. And he's giving us this podcast. Yeah, I know. I, look, we don't have to keep talking about it. I don't give it. I just think there's certain. Did we talk about it last week? I think we've talked about it before. Oh, all right. I think so. I think so. Just because there's just I mean, but at the same time, almost no entertainment money comes from a good place. No. But, you know. It's like, do you want to take it from them or do you want to take it from someone who's probably assaulted, you know, millions of people? Millions. Yeah, I don't know who I'm even talking about. Millions, it's crazy. Yeah.

But yes, it is an industry propped up by sex criminals. Sure. And we're a part of it. War criminals. And we're in there. We're in it. We're in it all. We certainly are.

I mean, all society really is if we really get back to it. Right. You know? Well, every real. And that's too, like sometimes when I think about like, like I said earlier, I don't want to have a transactional relationship with any of my friends, but it's like everything, like life is just, it's all transactional stuff. Like in some ways.

Some ways. I think it's part of the problem is that we've kind of been, we're conditioned to think that way, where it's like, instead of just being like, oh, it's my friend who I like to be around and like whatever happened, you know, we're here for each other.

When we can support, we can support. It's like, I do think, unfortunately, we are kind of trained to assign value to people in, essentially monetarily, which is not how, people have all kinds of different value and all, you know, you get,

there's things that you can get out of a relationship that are much different than, can somebody help my career, can somebody lead to me, getting more money. It's just like, do I like being around this person? How do I feel? You know, all that kind of shit. I think that's all the community-based stuff. And then also, like, you just do things because, like, that's the thing. It's like, a friend is just, ideally friends and family are just people that are like, you are there for no matter what.

That's the whole point. Everything else, you figure it out. Well, my father always says family is important, even if you don't get along with them, because they're the only people that were chosen for you. You didn't choose. You just were born into this, and they're a part of your sphere and no there's really no nobody knows why you're just they were chosen for you so that's why they're big time and point that's why you got to give your cousin money yeah yeah no but but i think what you're saying is that i feel that like you know obviously you know we're all we're all every person is it got a good and a bad side we're all kind of living in this ying and the yang duality but i do feel that i very i do like i do not ever want to just reach out to someone and say

I'm reaching out to you for, like, a friend. Like, I would never just reach out to you to be like, hey, I'm checking in on you, but also can you help do this? I don't want, so that's why I would like. Three texts later, it's what it's, you don't want to do to your friend with that. Exactly. I don't want to be that. I would never ask Shane or Theo that ever.

I mean, if they, if we did it altogether, great, but it's like I wouldn't, I, because I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to get involved. And people do that in our business all the time because there's a desperation in our business that's wild. Yeah. And so I'm like, I don't want to be part of that. Yeah. No, I'm with you.

I think, you know, you just got to, the desperation is fucking hilarious how people would just be like, I need this bad. I need it. But it's like, it's just like even, I think social media has done that where it's like everybody's, dude, I'm telling you, I think, I don't know if we've said it here on this episode, but I have not been on social media for like eight weeks. I have, you know, my guy, Brian, A.K. Lancelot runs it and who's great. So I'm still a part, you know, it's a career, so I'll post.

videos on, but I have not looked. That's good. And, dude, the amount of happening, number one, you go, you get off your phone. They had a dick. I mean, I'm still addicted to my phone. Of course. But that ad, you're just, yeah. I mean, I found a way to bring it on the podcast just now for 20 minutes.

Yeah. Tell me I'm a good comedian. Yeah. Tell me I'm a good comedian. Yeah. Tell me, tell me, tell me going to be a good husband. Yeah. Even though I'm really scared.

Yeah. Yeah. Tell me, I got the right house. Yeah. Well, if you've been, sorry, go ahead. Well, so I'm saying like, you know, I, I, I feel like social. media getting off it, like I'm telling you, dude, I really believe, even in these past eight weeks, even if it would detrimental, like, it would hurt my career in a very big way

because we're all so linked social media, but if they ban social media, I'd be willing, just for the good of society and my own family and whatever, I'd be fully willing to, like, go back to becoming a physical therapist, if it meant social media is gone. Yeah. Because it is so, it is so beyond bad for you. How do you feel about that? Yeah, I mean, there's always so many, like right now, the funniest thing, because I've gotten, unfortunately, I've... Did you have great calves, by the way?

Thank you. I appreciate that. I mean, I was talking about it, but they are stunning. You do, I'm back on, unfortunately. I've become re-addicted to my phone. Okay. And it is funny, it is pathetic what, like, gets, what people get mad. Like, right now, like, the controversies that people just get, people just want to be mad.

They're addicted to being mad. It's so funny. The newest thing that, like, Republicans are. conservatives are mad at, is there's this, like, really gay Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. Okay. It's a male cheer. Bency, see if you can pull this guy up. He's hilarious.

Senor Spoon. Signorita Spoon. Yeah. Dude. And they're mad. They're like, oh, can't believe this. This is what, and like Kevin Sorbo, the guy who played her curfellation, now does like, I mean, look at this guy. He's fucking awesome.

He looks fucking hilarious. Dude, yeah, that kind of, that, you know how like Tom and Bert did the girl filters? It looks like me if I did the girl, right? Look at those cheekbones, and it's like, I'm sorry, you're mad at a male cheerleader is gay? Yeah, like, what are we talking about? Oh, what the hell? I heard a softball coach is a lesbian. Yeah, it's like, hello.

What are we fucking talking about? What do you think? Male cheerleaders are gay as hell. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, dude, it's like, what do you think if they ever put on, like, a play about George Washington? The guy's playing George Washington, you think is straight? No, dude. That guy will literally be reading, you know, documents from the colonial times with Come coming out of his butt.

on the stage so like I agree with you like I mean look this is what gay guys are supposed to be exactly what do you want to do this is he literally I mean this is awesome this is top shelf gay this is a great gay is he the first gay male is he of course not there's thousands no but I but it's interesting because I never even thought about this I thought NFL cheerleaders were only women they have male NFL cheerleaders and look there's plenty of straight guys too but it's like you're telling me gay guys can't be cheerleaders yeah what the fuck are we talking about this where we want gay guys to go yes Seriously, I think...

But I mean, I guess that is the problem. They don't want gay people to exist. But what is the issue with this? Like, they're saying like... Just that a gay person is involved in football, I guess? But it's like the guys tackling each other and then slapping each other in the butts after they score touchdowns is not gay. I mean, I'm sure there are gay guys in the locker room. There's a gay NFL player on the Raiders.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Carl Naseeb, right? Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. But he's a gay Muslim, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you, I don't know if he's a white Muslim.

Is he? Is he a white muz? He's white. Interesting. But yeah, it's like, look at this guy and tell me he shouldn't be a cheerleader. Of course he should. I mean, look at his hair. Look at his cheekbone.

Look at that cute little fucking smirk. I actually like him on the left better with the longer hair than the right. I don't think that's the same guy. Oh, there you go. Maybe that guy's gay as well, but everyone's mad at the first guy with the long hair. Because he does do one gay guy, one awesome gay guy look that I love is like makeup and then facial hair. It's so awesome. Yeah.

Like beautiful sparkling eyes and like a little blush. and then they got a mustache and people get so pissed off about it. Yeah. Look at him, dude, look at those fucking eyebrows. Dude, this guy looks like, I got a, I love it. I mean, you're getting, you 100% would get your ass licked a couple times by this guy.

Oh, 1,000%. I mean, I would argue that it's been licked before by him. Look at those beautiful eyes. Yeah, yeah, look at those beautiful eyes. He honestly, to be honest with you, dude, and he looks to me like more feminine, like with the lips and eyes. Like, I've definitely hooked up with girls

who are closer. or being a man. Less feminine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I would say this is a more, I've hooked up with girls who are more masculine than this, 100%.

You know? So like, I agree. I honestly, dude, to me, the gay, having a problem with anybody or anything being gay is, the only one that I can see the point is the women in sport,

is the men biological, the transgender in sports, only because I understand that it does affect the women. I get that. Here's the thing about that, is that maybe at the absolute highest levels, and if it's a combat sport, we can have a discussion. But what's fucked up is most of this is kids that want to play sports. Yes.

You know what I mean? It's like, I have friends who have, like, nieces and nephews who are trans that want to play just softball or whatever to learn what it's like to be a team player to do that stuff. I'm in agreement on that. And it's like, you know, that's, and that is way more of a problem. also, it's just not an issue. There's not that many people. I saw a tweet somewhere that was really funny. It's like, there's more pictures of Donald Trump with Galane Maxwell than there are

trans athletes in the NCAA. It's like, this is the fucking, like, that is like the way people have made this a big deal. And it's like, look, I'll even say, whatever, at the highest levels of competition, if we want to have, if we want to like talk about it on a case-by-case basis, that's one thing. But by and large, it's another thing that's not a fucking problem that people make. up because they just want, you know, they want someone who's weird to have a hard life. Right. I get, I totally, I understand that.

I get, I get kids, I've always been okay with that. Like, you've got to learn camaraderie, you got to learn teamwork. The older, you know, at a professional level or an Olympic level, it's like, you know, because I just think about like girls, you know, then it's like not fair for like actual, like, you know, biological females if they're going to lose something because the bottom, I'm in look, dude. Has that everybody happened, though? I mean, the one girl who was mad.

The Leah Thomas is the one. But then the bits of it was fucking talking about it, I was like in fifth place. She sucked. You know what I mean? It's always people who are bad. I would argue, if you're a real competitor, if you're like female Michael Jordan, you know how pissed? Imagine Michael Jordan's a woman. Yeah.

And Joanna Man comes around. I would love to. Or like a trans. It's like, and I took that personal. You know what I mean? Like female Michael Jordan would beat by, you know, would be, would try and beat trans. Dude, trans like, you know, I would love him alone or whatever. I would love that.

That's going to be the equalizer. If you're a real competitor, go beat a trans woman. Yeah. If you're really about it. Tiger Woods, if he was a chick, he'd beat a fucking a trans golfer. Well, when the first trans, what is it, woman male to female goes, plays basketball, WMBA, that would be like the Joanna Man thing. When that happens, like Dwight Howard comes out there,

that's going to be the thing that's going to get to the, Because somebody's going to, by the way. I think there are already like women who have kind of transitioned, who are sort of like non-binary-ish in the WMBA. That might be the most queer-friendly league in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, figure skating. Yeah, right?

I feel like they got a lot of mean straight girls in figure skating, too. You know what I mean? Yeah, and there might be weirdly like a straight, homophobic, like, Eastern European ski, you know what I mean? who's like, who's like, I must beat these fucking homoos. I might I will triple axle straight. I will straightly beat these

homosexuals. I think it's one of those things you can't be a male figure skater and be straight because the moment you land a triple axle are like, that's gay. Yeah, I don't know. Just spinning around. I don't know, you might be able to fucks, I mean, those girls are hot. You're right in the mix. It's like the theater, it's like the straight theater kid. Right. You know what I mean?

There's so much ass. Yeah, because like if I had a, you know, if I had a son, I would tell him, do an activity that everyone thinks is gay. If you're straight, right? I mean, dude, if you're gay, you just want to suck off all those theater boys, great.

Why the hell not? But, like, if you're straight, do theater. Do, like, something. Be the manager of, like, the girls' field hockey team. Do something that they think gay guys do because now you are actually, first of all, you'll learn to be comfortable around women. You'll have actual friendships with them.

And then someone's going to suck you off. Whereas I'm over here playing GameCube. You know what I mean? Playing football, there's no pussy to be gotten anywhere. Yeah. All the cool guys on the football team, they get pussy. I had a friend who was 17 and had like, he was looking at with like a 32-year-old mother, like mother of two. He was like, but he was like one of those kids was 17 and like, you know, has a fucking acura, gets head from single mothers. Yeah.

He ended up playing a little bit in the NFL. Like he was like, fucking, you know, these guys are awesome. Like I'm competing with those guys. Whereas like, I should have been in theater. Yeah. I should have been like getting sucked off. Or be an anime kid. Go in a weird group

because the weird kids suck and fuck in the ways where you're trying to like, when you're trying to be like popular you're trying to win the regular game that's a fucking fool's errand. If you're a young boy find a special interest with women and that way

you will get your dick sucked and you will be more comfortable around women as you grow up. Dude, I think that should be our merch for this someone's going to suck you off. Someone will suck you. Someone will suck you. Someone will suck you on. should be the merch. Yeah, I mean, dude, I agree, and I feel like, you know...

Yeah, sorry. No, go ahead, go on. My only point, and we don't have to actually make points. Let's try, though. It's really hard. We're both pretty dumb. Yeah. And it just comes down to...

No, I want to be those comedians. Like, we try to get serious and make points. Now, what I actually think... Tell me. No, I don't give a fuck, actually. I'm done. Making points, you're right. Making points is gay.

I know. I hate it. Dude, I told you. slipping into like my real beliefs. I just think we should be nicer to people overall. There's a lot of people being dickheads and being like... I agree with that. And it's just like, look, dude, gay people are hilarious and they're awesome. Yeah. People that are different than you make life better is really what it comes down to. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, that's all, that's the only, and I hate that I even think about getting political because we're just in a weird time

where it's like, people are very rude to a lot of different types of people who have made my life better. For no reason. And by the way, the people use is... 100. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know, like, just the cuisine, the cuisine that immigrants and the arts that gay people have brought on to me. Dude, the thing is we can't have, the world that you love so much is only here because we're all here. Like, we're all, everybody. Without twins, I would have never had ketamine. 100%, dude. You know what I mean? Dude, and they're just like fun, like gay people special. By the way, I love that it only took five episodes for the fans to 100% begin to start to hate us now. So that's what we're doing.

Chris, it's going like that now. Thank you for understanding. Because we tried to throw the last one. Right. Right. But we actually made it funny the whole time. It got more views.

So what we did, what we're doing, I tried the Trojan horse getting serious at the end. Yes. And being left, having sort of like left opinions on social comments. It's like, that's how we're actually going to fucking burn this to the ground. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like, that's like we tried by just having a bad episode. This one pretty, it's actually worse than the last one.

Right. And we made points. And we made points. We started pontificating at the end. Yes, and then the only thing left to do now is on the next and final episode, let's just talk for an hour about the weeds of comedy. Just in and out, comedy clubs. Yeah, make fucking, we kind of did it a little bit.

I talked about Revision Lounge. Make, like, specific, like, rooms that have been closed for years. Let's talk about that. And then the last 10 minutes, just cherry on top. Let's talk about the vaccine. Oh, that's good. I'll piss everyone off. I'll be like a social leftist with like anti-vax opinions.

Yes. Talking about how good, what a good eye, how healthy America has been made. Now there's no vaccines and now Coca-Cola's made with real sugar. Right. That's health. I mean, I'm fat as shit, but it's like it's still fucking sugar. You take the stance that Fauci isn't a war criminal. Fauci's awesome.

Yep. And we need gay women to box. We need not just trans women. I want men to be able to fight women in the Olympics. Dude, by the way, I would say I got my vision. VO2 max tested yesterday. Do you know the VO2 max is? No. So what the VO2 max is is you basically go, it is a test that according to like the leading experts now, you know, you know, research is always evolving. But they say this is the number one predictor of longevity. If you have a high

enough VO2 max, you know, obviously anything can happen. But like just from a cardiovascular type thing, you will be okay because your heart can sustain. It's basically takes your heart to the highest level it can go and then based off that when you have to jog with like the bane mask on exactly they put the mask on so i did this test i got blood work they did all these tests whatever and so on the via the guy running it was this great gay guy right he actually looked like the minnesota viking cheerleader it might actually have been him but he was fun so he so he's fun i mean even because you know you're a little nervous like he's like he's like let me get this little mask on you you know he's like he's like really flamboyant and fun so he's like and then he's like trying to tell he's

like you have such a giant head as he's like tight And I swear to God, he was like, I need to put my leg on something and give it a pole just to get this man. And then he goes, is the mask on? He's just straddling you. He's just sitting. Yeah. He's just sitting on you like this. He goes, is the mask on tight?

And I said, yeah. I said, yeah, it's on relatively tight. And he was like, okay, good. And then he, like, just to make sure he, like, pulled in and, like, strap, like kind of, like, hit the strap off my head. He was like, I didn't need to do that. I like to just have fun. So he just fucking hit me. So I get on the treadmill, right?

And the way it works is you warm up at 3.7 miles per hour. Oh, God. That's a full sprint as far as I'm concerned. It's like a walk. It's a power. I know what 3.7 is. 3.7. So you do that for 3 minutes.

To me, 4 is sprinting. Yeah. So 3.7 and then you do that for 3 minutes as like the warm up. And then every minute they go up 0.6. So it goes 4.3, you know, and then you keep. I'm literally done after 4 minutes. I'm not kidding. So no, well, so what they do is they, they.

obviously you keep going up and then you basically have to hit a red button but they can see like when your V-O-2 max is the highest and then so like I went you know kept going like you know pushed as hard as I could I almost blew out my Achilles but pushed as hard as I could and then... What did you get up to?

I got actually up to 9.4 Get the fuck out of here. Or 9. Whatever one whatever that math is. So you were there for like seven minutes or so? Yeah so I actually moved my V-O-2 max into now into like the for 40-year-olds the 90th percentile. So but But your V-O-2 Max will be different because you're younger than me.

Right. So it's like I moved it up, but I've been trying to like work on that, whatever. So, but anyway, like, he was just fun because I come off like, you know, he's like, you know, breathe, whatever. And then he's like, hey, he was like, I have good news and bad news. What do you want first? I was like, I guess the bad news. He was like, I'm better than you. He was like, you're like not even close to me.

And I was like, okay. He was like, but do you want the good news now? I was like, yeah, he goes, for a 40-year-old? honey, you are fit. And he goes, and he goes, you have legit Zaddy energy on your, I swear to God. He goes, you have Zaddy energy on that V-O-2 Max time.

He was like, let's, and then it was fun because he was just like, funny. He was like, let's go over the results. And I was like, this is better than some like Russian doctor being like, I need to put you on Staten. Totally. I need, you need Bill.

No. This guy, he was like, let's go over it. So he's like, breaking it down. He's like, what you can do better, what, you know, can't, whatever. And then he goes, As I was leaving, this is why I just love, like, because they're just honest, as I was leaving, a person who's coming in recognized me and was like, oh, you know, love, whatever. And I was like, oh, thanks.

And then the guy's like, wait a second. No, I love that. That's another very important thing with the gay culture. We need people to not respect us. Because they don't know who we are. We're not famous in the gay community. I need someone to judge me at the gym. Because when somebody recognized me at the gym, like, straight people are like, hey,

even if they don't know me they're like a fat guy in the gym they tip my their cap someone who knows me is like hell yeah gay people are pissed just jacked gay dudes I went to the Hollywood

the West Hollywood like crunch and the contempt that I saw from gay men they were like how dare you take up this machine you hog you know and I need that

I need to feel that I also love the openness to of gay men I remember one time I was at a Best Buy and the guy was helping me pick out a TV was like a flamboyant gay guy

and then same thing happened. Somebody recognized me. And he was like, oh, what are you doing? I was like, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, my God. He was like, do you know my favorite comedian? I was like, Mateo Lane. And he was like, yeah, how did you guess?

I was like, you know, figure you were a fan of his, whatever. And then he goes, do you know him? And I was like, oh, yeah, it was a good friend of mine. And I was like, he's probably one of the most talented guys I've ever met. He goes, I blew him once in Chicago. I swear to God. And then he just said that to me, which is like my family's there. And then just pivots.

He's like, so do you want the insurance package on this? You should get a warranty. These things do break. It's a vizio. But then the guy who my V-O-2 Max says, you know, the other person, whatever, recognizes me. And then he goes, my God, are you somewhat? Are you famous?

And I was like, well, I'm not famous. I was like, and then the other guy, he was like, no, he's a well-known comedian. I was like, tell that the freaking complex. Yeah. And then he goes, and then the guy, and again, this is what I love. There's no bullshit at all.

He goes, I don't. I don't know you, and I got to be honest with you, comedy isn't for me. And I was like, I love you, sir. Unnecessary. Like, oh, cool. Just give me an old cool out of the door. But unnecessary, but honestly, the honesty, like, I forgot your name, sir, but I love you. I love what you did.

I love him, too. I love him, too. Good for you, man. 90th percentile V-O-2 max, and he said, and the only thing he said to me, because I've lost like 11 pounds, he was like, you've lost 11 pounds, great work. He goes, but you still do have a little bit of extra fat on your hips. So he just was like, yeah, he was like, you are still kind of built like a stepmom, but, you know. Another, yeah, that's what gay guys bring, what lesbians bring, pants that fit my body type.

You know what I mean? Button downs that are meant for generous hips. Yes. You know, so we're all getting, you know, it's one big, beautiful world. Dude, shout out every community. I mean, I guess just being also being raised in New York City. Like, it's tough to hate a group. You just realize how silly it is because we've grown up in like this melting pot.

It's so dumb to be like, oh, you don't like them for what reason? It's also, too, literally, I'm talking about a week ago, which is crazy. My group chat, you know, with the ongoing war or whatever in the Middle East and Israel and Palestine and all that stuff. Because of social media. Right, yeah, yeah, I know. I don't know that it's quite a fair fight. I know. I got such a divided home.

The war is kind of unfair to the Palestinians. And it's tough for me being a father through all this because I got a 10-year-old and a four-year-old. my 10-year-olds pro-year-olds are all the four-year-olds pro-Palestine. So I got to just the other four-year-olds just... You got a 10-year-old scientist? Yeah, I know. A Puerto Rican scientist. My boy is just fully in Hamasco in the daycare.

So, but just like a week ago, dude, one of my boys was like, because, you know, with social media, now with X or whatever, you know, you see the real videos. He goes, he sends to the group chat something to the effect of, oh, it's crazy. You've seen these videos out of Palestine. like these people are like people like us it's like yeah yeah it's like they're going to school yeah there's totally and anywhere anywhere you go from the middle east to any war going on it's like yeah dude it would be as if there's bought like they're no different they have the same brain it would be as if your building is getting bombed or like your family just got killed in a

active war zone so it's like it's the same thing we just are so privileged and blessed yeah to be here it'd be like if your family was trying to get food and somebody just shot you in the fucking head. It would be just like that. You know what I mean? It would be like you falling into a trap that an evil occupying force is setting for you. Dude, I got to be honest, man. And after all the way that we just ended that with that, if you are still listening to

the podcast, you're the problem. This had to have done it. We've done everything we've done to get you out of here. This had to have done it. We're doing one more because we were contractually obligated. If you thought this was bad, just wait till next week. Oh, right. Just wait till next week.

Thank you for watching. It's the Summer Bears, Episode 5, and we will see you next week for an all politics, no-joke episode. Absolutely. Don't forget to get vaccinated, kids. Chris and Stalby, Stalve and Chris, neither grows a beard, and they both wear a shirt. Stalby's a Greek, and Chris is a gay, and some may say the show is better this way.

We call Two Bears One K Yeah