2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Bears Are Back | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 212

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Tickets for Tom's new Come Together Tour are now available! Get them now by going to https://tomsegura.com/tourWelcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. This week, Bert and Tom are back in the studio for some much needed catching up! They discuss Bert's new healthy habits and then immediately try out nicotine pouches. Tom shares a story about why he's the "Master of Finding Missing Items" and Bert recollects all the cruise ship insanity from "Fully Loaded at Sea". The bears also talk about Bert's "new girlfriend", not getting enough credit for good deeds, dark algorithms on Instagram, life advice from jacked dudes, taking Tom Segura's family on adventures, and Bert's crush on Josh Hartnett!https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Hey everybody, Tom Segura here. Tickets for the first leg of my new tour come together are on sale right now at Tom Segura.com slash tour. Tour kicks off December 30th in Honolulu, Hawaii and then into 2024 with stops in Asia and North America, including my hometown of Cincinnati. Before you start yelling, what about my city Tom? Don't worry, I'll get there and it's a whole new hour of material. A lot of more dates are coming, I will announce them soon. So go get your tickets right now at ThomSugra.com slash tour before they sell out. This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, I am now getting just homicides. Just straight up murders.

I feel the energy the juice that God wanted you to have when you were born. I feel it into my mouth and it's coursing through my fucking brain. My friend for a christian razzle dazzle Finally we are back and from renal failure and missing extremities to down 35 plus pounds. I'm 40 pounds Tommy. 40 pounds down. 40 fucking pounds and let me. Bertrin, Christ, that's what, you went first went 83 days without alcohol, without alcohol.

I went 83 days without alcohol, and then 10 solid ones with. Bert, you look notably different. I know. Ah! You don't realize how many you need. I feel amazing. And you know, it's crazy. There's so much.

There's too much to unpack. Yeah. Honestly, suffice to say you don't realize, you don't realize how deep you are in like obesity and drinking and keeping how deep you are in the hole, until you get your head a little bit out of it and then you start feeling better and like little things are feeling a lot better for me.

And also when you like just look at a three month old photo, you're like, what the fuck, right? Like I mean, when I look at photo of myself, even from a year, a year and a half ago, I'm like, damn, I was like, I was fully delusional. No, I apologize to your agent, did he tell you that? Yeah, he was really touched by it. Well, we were at some party in LA and I,

he came up to me and I was like, I was like, I know you in Apology, so he came up to me right at the very beginning of my downward spiral. And I say, downward spiral is the funnest fucking way. Well, we had to set up the context. So what happened was maybe a year and a half to two years ago, something like a year and a half ago,

we were both in New York, we had to be both in New York on the same night, and we met up for dinner with a group. We went out with a whole group of people. It was right, I mean, it was like, it was right when I started putting on weight. Yeah. And right when I started the,

sorry, I knew exactly when it was, it was March of 22. Yes. So it was like a year and a half. And so I was like, I was going, I just had bit off way more than I could chew in everything. I had a special that I had to shoot. I had a special I had to promote, I had a movie I had to promote.

I had an arena tour in the North America. I had one in Australia, one in Europe. I mean, I just was like, I bid off. I had fully loaded. I had a cruise. I had red rocks. And I was just, I could, I would not listen to you. If you told me slow down, I'd tell you,

get the fuck out of my way. Well, we sat down and at dinner, one of the, I guess one of the first things he told you, very casual he goes to the, I'm worried about you. Yeah, I'm worried about you. You need to you. Very casual he goes, he's like, I'm worried about you. Yeah, I'm worried about you. You need to kind of take it easy. And you're like, who the fuck are you?

You my wife or something? I told him that, so you're not my friend. You're not my boy. We don't text about pussy. Don't fucking tell me to slow down. Don't tell me you're worried about me. If you want to enjoy dinner with me tonight, shut your fucking mouth and order a goddamn drink.

He wasn't the only person I told that to. Oh. But, a whole bunch of time went by. What happened is fully loaded. Yeah. The end of fully loaded. I was so out of control, like meaning like, just and it's with everything, like food, booze wasn't any different than it ever's been.

I was still working out, but I was just gotten so bloated that Georgian, Eila, and Leanne all said something to me. And they're like, my sister said, I want to put a pin in your neck and deflate you. And I went, what? She goes, you look uncomfortable. Like she goes, you realize how many times you rearrange yourself on the couch? I was just, yeah, you were always shifting. And even getting off the couch, I'd be like, I'd be like, and I was, what's crazy is, and I say this, I say this understanding what the internet sounds like, meaning,

like what people say. Yeah. People, because people lie to themselves on the internet all the time. And I mean, that's what the internet's made up of. I'm starting to really appreciate the people that tell the truth, which are very few and far between.

I was in great shape. I was working out, what didn't have a heart attack. You were a shape. I was a shape. But I was benching to 25 and 10 times. I was strong. Right. I was strong.

I just was completely, and I did that cleanse. Once my cardiologist and talked to Rogan, and I literally, I've been carnivore for and do not listen to me I don't have any answers. I'm not knowing. No one here is saying follow Bert's lead on trying to get into ever I saw Rogan does them. I'm like fuck why not? So I was I was into those for a minute and then some fucking cool guy Introduced me to rogues Guess who that cool guy introduced me to Rogues. I bet I bet I bet I bet I bet I can guess who that cool guy was. Wait, I'm trying to remember. Oh, I have to remember who it was too.

Oh, I thought it was someone, it thought it was Aquaman. Does he do those? I didn't see that. Everyone cool does them. Well, I just, here's the thing, man. It really does like, I feel, let's the thing, man, it really does. Like, I feel let me see that one. I have to tell you, I got to tell you, you're sweeter. So I got to be honest with you, and this is the truth.

Um, I'm being, I had a sincere problem with, uh, tobacco with chewing tobacco. Oh, really? Oh, sincere, like, like, like, meaning like, I had to quit. Like a red man guy? I was red man, I was Copenhagen, I was school. I was like, give him to you. You've never known that I'll throw in a black buffalo on the road? Yeah.

Cause there's a black buffalo zero. I'll throw one in if we're all sitting around outside. It was beautiful about those. You can drink while you have one in, so you get to spend. It's really nice. Yeah. But I've been flirting with these the same way.

Do you ever see a celebrity cheat on his wife and you're like, we saw that coming. Right, yeah, yeah. This is, by the way, I'm not fucking tearing manning internet, okay. These I've been flirting with, I buy them all the time. And I've never even opened them. Do one.

I'm a nervous, I'm afraid I'm back. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. What? And this is the only time you can actually say this. There's no tobacco. These are tobacco-free. This is straight nicotine.

Put your nail in there. Straight nicotine. Maybe this is the Lord thing, something. Here. I can't open yours. It's just nicotine. so you get like the here. Wow, that came out quick. You get the nicotine fix.

I feel like more focused. It's a little stimulant. It's better than speed. That's what the doc said. Who this? He goes, you're not gonna do speed, right? I'm gonna go and probably not. What are you talking to your doctor about? No, I'm sweating right now.

I tried to get the Viavance, you know? That's like, I guess they said, someone told me it was like diet, Adderall. He's like, it is like, it's like Adderall plus. Adderall, so fucking good. I know. Have you ever talked to someone on Adderall and they try to tell you they're sober

and you're like, you're not sober bro. No, but so this is a stimulant now these are these are sweeter than those okay Oh So we'll throw it in I mean this is like no spinning really there's no tobacco. There's no cancer causing chemical hold on So you're telling me this people are thinking this is an organic plug We are not associated with either one of these. We're not associated with this. I'm just trying to get people on nicotine man.

I heard it's better for your brain. Yeah, I saw you. I'm gonna tell you right here. Yeah, you're from it said right now. Nicotine. If he was a young boy, you would get addicted to nicotine today. Well, it's all like that.

I forget what he said. He brought it in, he probably didn't say exactly. But it's a great pre-workout. I'm serious. I'm gonna put the head of my dick in and see if I wanna keep fucking. There you go. I'm gonna put it in.

Put it in, dude. You're on board. You're gonna love it. Let's see if I can. No, no. Let's see if I feel the jazz. You're in. I can already tell.

I know. You don't need a spit. No There's no tobacco I'll tell you I love it. I love the feeling Feels good right I haven't felt it yet, but I know the feeling and it's coming to you. It's coming It hit. Oh, it's burning. Yeah, it's burning. I feel like I'm I feel like I'm doing heroin in a bathroom I had a gas station and some dudes like hey man, I'll suck your cock. I was like I'll do anything right now You just swallow yeah, you don't get sick. No, I kind of miss a spinning part. I know, but you'll get used to it It's not these you do a day. I don't know I lost count

You know I get quit drinking for the rest of my fucking life. I have nicotine. Oh, dude, I'm fucking, and I'm also, I'm dialed in with this. I'm serious. Really? Yeah, yeah. I have one in the morning, I have one on the way to a workout. I can do one in a workout, that would be great.

Yeah, they're great. That would be so fucking awesome. Yeah, you got to remember sometimes you're like, oh yeah. You fall asleep with them? Yeah, you got to remember sometimes you're like, oh yeah, like if you fall asleep with them. Yeah, I have. I saw an interview where Joe is doing Zins. Really? And I was like, wait, Joe's doing Zins?

If Joe does a research. Yeah, it's nicotine, dude. Why don't you put one in? It's in right now, bro. Oh, you have one in? Yeah. Oh my God, it's almost like being AIDS. You don't even know who has it.

Yeah, I have it in. It's great. So I had went in for a photo shoot and I forgot and you can see every photo I'm like, can you tell I have one? I put one in my lip like that. I should put it here. Oh god, it feels so good.

So good. Well, it's feels like you're brushing your teeth. It's great. It's good for you, never quit. Okay, so good. Well, let's, it feels like you're brushing your teeth. It's great. It's good for you, never quit.

I'm very proud that you took such a good to carry yourself. I think you look great. I think you look great. I feel great. I feel great. I will say that I'm not sober, so like, I don't want anyone to. I know.

Yeah, like I've been smoking a lot of weed. I drank on the cruise, I drank in the Cayman Islands. I drank like three nights ago, four nights ago, we went to a thing for out of school, I drank there. I don't have a problem drinking, I like drinking a lot. I'll drink with you tomorrow night. Okay. The one thing I'm telling you is that,

especially if you're like a big part of your who looks at me and goes, oh, is he good drinking? I'm not, look, that's never gonna happen. Here's the thing. I had said to myself in a speech a long time ago, I'll always stay healthy enough to keep drinking. I'd not let that happen. I got into a place where I was in a hole.

And it was like, it was a matter of, like I had to start out, two friends got to rehab within that time. Yeah, I mean, I was like, all right, I'm back. So, this day's so good. It's good. But yeah,, so but now I'm feeling, I'm way healthy enough to keep drinking. So, yeah, we'll drink tomorrow night at dinner.

Okay, wait, I can't fucking, and I look forward to drinking. And by the way, sometimes I don't drink, like a regular person, like sometimes like last night, Leanne's like, let's get in the hot tub, normally, immediately I go glass for wine. And last night I went,

now let's just get in the hot tub and get to sleep early tonight. Nice. Like let's feel good. Good. So, while you look good, I feel fucking phenomenal. And it's, and I will tell you,

you know, a lot of the fans say that you're totally unrelated now, but I understand why you became unrelatable. Yeah. It feels really cool to buy a nice, something nice. Like it fits your body. Oh, as opposed to just Oh, as opposed to just like a fucking bed sheet. As a bed sheet. Like as soon as you have your body fits and things, you're like,

oh, I wouldn't mind getting a nice kind of fucking love this thing in my mouth. Getting a nice jacket. I have no jackets. All my jackets will quege on me. I don't have a suit. I'm gonna get a suit. I'm gonna get jackets. I'm gonna get like, I can see my dick. Isn't that awesome? Oh, it's fucking insane. My dick looks so big too. Well, yeah, you lost so much weight around it.

It has gotten so much bigger. I've taken so many pictures and I haven't even edited them to show you. Oh, I can't wait to see your dick again. Oh, I can't wait to show it to you. Once again, there is a proven that there is nobody better to find your missing items, particularly your wallets and your purses than me. I have, I, I found a purse on the fucking street really. Yeah. Pull up to JFK. I step out of the car. And I just, you know, you look down at where your foot's

stepping and I see a strap. And I reach down and it's a purse. It looks like it's been yanked from someone because the strap is unclassed. Yeah. And I'm like, it's a purse. I'm just grabbing my bags out of the car. As I grab this purse, you know, the, the curbside baggage guys. Yeah. The guy sees me. He's like, oh, he sticks his hand out. I go get the fuck out of here, right? I turn my back to him, like, not you. Because I know I can see his, he's like, who knows what's in that, right?

Yeah. I'm like, I don't even like, actually, he says something else. I'm like, we're not even having this conversation. So I've dragged my bags inside and he fucking follows me inside. He's supposed to be working the curb. He just, he sees me inside because I unzip it and I start looking through it and he's like, what's in there, man?

You know what he's like? He's like, is that crazy? We just want this. Yeah, we chopping this up. So, my mother fucker. So I pull out the driver's license, and I'm like, all right, because there's two versions of this.

You can be like, I gotta get to my flight. I'll take this home, and I'll just mail it or something, when I get home. But I'm like, well, there's a chance she's at the airport, and there's a real high chance she's not at her flight,

because she left her ID. Oh, there's a very high chance she's not at her flight because she left her Oh, there's a very big huge chance So I'm like, okay, what do I do? I just trying to like okay, so I record a video saying what happened and then I take a photo of her Photo on her ID and I post them And I just I'm like I got you know, I got to get to my gate. So I start going through security and then I finally get to like the I gotta get to my gate. So I start going through security and then I finally get to the lounge right next to my gate. She sounds like all these people are like, I'm her, give me that, everybody's saying that they're her

and jokes and then finally I see that she messages me and people start tagging, like, this is her. So then she's like, I'm waiting at security. Can you bring it out to security? And I'm like, all right, I got to, okay. then she's like, I'm waiting at security. Can you bring it out to security? I'm like, all right, I got to go. Okay. So she's like, where are you? I go, well, I'm at this gate that has a lounge.

She's like, my friend's coming. So I was like, okay, I run into her friend. They call me, first of all, the whole thing's like, they are announcing my name, Tom Siger, can you come here, Tom Siger? So walk out and like the whole fucking airport lounge staff is out, all of them. 15 of them are like, we're calling you,

I go, yeah, and then they see what's happening. They're like, oh, this is for this. I go, yeah, I found her purse and they're like, that's nice. Like you're a nice probably, yeah, of course, I'm not. Look, I'm wearing a cashmere coat. Like what do you think? So. You looked so you think? So.

You looked so attractive in that picture. You did. You did. You've not been an attractive guy your whole life. You were when you were young and then you had a window of like messy Tom, which I fucking missed so much. And the Tom that carried hot sauce in his car. I missed that Tom.

You always say that. I was Christina's hot sauce. No, no, no, we've changed. We're unrelatable now. It's fine. I like this one. Yeah, I like it. Dude, We're unrelatable now. It's fine. I like this one. Yeah, I like it. Dude, I'm unrelatable, dude.

No. I do tobacco. Yeah, it's awesome. So it feels great. I run into Andrew. It feels great. My heart's racing. It feels great.

It feels fucking great. Stimulants are where I don't know why smoking commercials had to put a guy on a horse to walk around. They should just have a guy hit a cigarette and go, I feel so much better. I feel so much better. Yeah, this thing gets you like, it's awesome. Well, I run an Android at the lab. He's like, what do you, I go?

You're age? Yeah, he goes, oh my God. I give the lady the purse. She's like, I'm going to get it to my friend. Thank you so much. Now I actually have like another 20 minutes to hang. I go, sure, you know, just get it to her. No problem.

She's super thankful. Yeah. She leaves. Now when I'm actually leaving the lounge to go to my gate Yeah, the woman comes up the escalator So I got to like meter and she was so thankful and like you know, it was it was really cool It was just a fun kind of thing. It reminds me of this my favorite story You've ever told of when you found the dudes was yeah, yeah, it was my favorite story. It's my favorite story

You've ever told me I knew told on stage, but when you told me, I was in the car laughing so fucking hard. I definitely hadn't told it on stage. And it was so fucking funny, but it's like, people don't get to see the part of you I get to see. You know, like there's a softer side, like a really soft side of you. Like, you know, it shows up when you do a podcast with

Zickler. Yeah. Like in a weird way. Sure. Yeah, we had a weird way. Sure. Yeah, we had a really sincere one recently. I saw it. It's great. But that, you remember the story

when I found that ring at SeaWorld? Yes. And I held on. I gotta be honest with you. You ever do something nice to feel like you don't get enough credit and you wish you had done the wrong thing? I started to feel about cheating on my wife by the way.

That's bad. I don't ever, she never comes home and goes, let me smell yo dick. And then I pull it out and she goes, this clean, we can fuck. But like I deserve, like, and I'm being for real. Yeah, you deserve it. And this is conversations being her of hat.

I deserve, I think I'm getting the credit now. I think now that we're both getting older. I think she's like looking back going like, why I couldn't have fucking cheated on her for the longest time? But the last, you know, two years I could have fucking been slaying pussy. And, but now she's like, thanks for not doing that.

Now she's like, I can't believe I got this good of a guy. But what's crazy is I found a ring at SeaWorld. I held onto it for 12 years, for 12 years. At one time, we were hurting for money a lot. And this is a sapphire ring. I think sapphire, what's the green one? Emerald? It was an expensive ring with diamonds on each side

with engravement in it. And I wouldn't, because I do believe that it's not mine, it's that person's. I don't believe in finding something and keeping it. I believe in returning it. There's such a value in that, in whatever tenants God sent down to the universe and he said, hey man, this isn't your shit, you turn it.

When you do the right thing, it feels so fucking good. And I held on to that ring for like 12 years, maybe eight years, you know how I tell a story. And then, and then had an engravement on it. And I mean, I, and then the lady hit me up. That's my mom's ring. And I didn't get any credit for it on, I didn't even get the reward of returning it

because when I gave it to her, I put, you know, I shot this in a video, it's out on the line, you can find it. Yeah. When I gave it to her, David Wells saw the picture through the no-hitter for the acting, David Wells saw those with me randomly. When I returned it to her, I said, this is your mother's ring. She goes, thanks,

and I go, uh, is your mother's to whether she goes, no, she's dead, no one, oh, she goes, that's okay. She was a cunt. And I went, okay. Yeah. She said, yeah, I said, what are you going to do with the ring? She goes, I'm going to sell it. I was like, oh, fuck. I should have just sold it. You know, the, and the, the reaction I got today, like even though it was, you know, obviously the amount of time wasn't that much time, but, you know, I took it,

I made the effort to give it to her, and I got it to her, and she was able to make her trip and everything still. But the reaction was the reaction you want. Like she was elated. Find something of mine. I'll give you the reaction you're looking for. Yeah, no, it was great.

I give people the thing they want. The piece of shit whose wallet I found was, you know, I've said this before, I said it when I told the story, when I told it on stage, I think I talked about it in my book, but to me, it's so amazing that there's a thing, a detail in that that I go,

how is everyone not amazed by this? Which is that I find the wallet in a detail in that, that I go, how is everyone not amazed by this? Which is that I find the wallet in a cab in Adams Morgan in Washington, DC, right? And I make an effort, I go through, and it was a very unimpressive contents in the wall, but I still, this is someone's wallet. So, a few bucks, this I college ID, you know You know, I ended up talking to that kids dad and the dad was like, you know, he's a fucking loser

He's like what the fuck and Yeah, I was like and I just like let it go, but I stared at that ID You know I stared at that ID for a long time and I'm I was still remember I was on M Street in Georgetown. And I was meeting my cousin Jeanette for lunch. I can remember like, I can't tell the story different. But we're on M Street. And your cousin who doesn't speak very much English from Peru. Oh, no, this is a fluent English speaker. Why do I do that? So when we sat down and I look up at the waiter and I go

Justin and he's like How you know my name? I'm like dude. I found your wallet and he was like You have you have it? I'm like, that's my favorite part of the story as if you walk around with two Lollits. Yeah, I was like no, I don't have it on me and then he was like all right Well, you want to hear about today's of stuff. I was like, no, I don't have it on me. And then he was like, all right, well, you wanna hear about today's specials? So I'm like, you don't think this is a fucking most miraculous moment of your life right now? Like, I found you while it a while ago,

and I have it, your face embedded in my head. Someone I've never met just from staring at your stupid little picture. And he was just like, all right, well, I wanna get it layered. What can I get you to drink? Yeah. I'm gonna get a cup of some, like. Okay. Can I tell you here's the thing? I'll give you

What the universe asked me to give you in those moments. Yeah, I'm gonna I can just tell you you so love the I'm in love with it. I know you are. I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it and I'm back. I'm back. I'm in the matter of fact, I want to find out. I don't even want to try this shit. Those actually you'll want like those compared to these. Really? Yeah.

This one tastes amazing. Yeah. I'm going to say this, okay? I'm going to say this. Now, you can edit this out if you want. Yeah. But I'm going to say this. I was just talking to Ryan about this.

Yeah. I was just talking to Ryan about this. I don't know. I hopefully this will come out before the voting's over. So I got nominated for the top comedy tour of the year. Okay? Congratulations. Thank you.

Pull it up on pole star. There's like five of us. To me, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Chris rock Adam Sandler No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so you're fucking never gonna find it But here's what I'll say there you go me Adam Sandler Dave Spell Kevin Hart Matt Rife and Nate Bargazzi now Post-art. I want you to hear this. Okay, okay, those guys will not appreciate this award

We're doing this, okay. Yeah, I will, okay? You can give the award to Adam Sandler. Do you think that's getting on the mantle? Probably not. Do you think, however, walk into his office and go, fuck, man, I forgot about the I missed you toward. That was a fucking fun run. Do you think Dave Chappelle, the greatest living comic

of our generation, arguably other than Kevin Hart, or soon to be Matt Rife, or right now, Nate Bargazzi is the biggest selling comedian in the world. Like he's selling crazy numbers. Yeah. Do you think they're gonna care? Do you think when they get that award, they're gonna cry? Do you think they're gonna cry? And they're gonna make a video and post a video talking about how Polestar is the greatest publication in the world. When it comes to touring, they really do dial in what us touring comics and touring musicians care about and what the buyers care about and what the ad people care about. We do. Polestar is an amazing publication.

I would be shocked if Matt Rive knows. I love Matt Rive. I would be shocked if he knows what Paul Starr is. I'd be shocked if he knew he was nominated. To be dead on you guys, you are the first piece of pussy he's having in an orgy. Matt Rive's got everything going on. Berk Krasher does not. So if you give me that award, this is my ploy to Paul Starr.

If you give me that award, you'll get what the universe wants you to get. Wow. That's how I look at things. That was quite a plea for winning that. That's a good pitch. Yeah. Kevin Hart, do you think what?

Kevin's definitely not even gonna register that he won it. Yeah. It'll go, you know what he'll go? Like this. Oh, cool. It's like when a fan gives you cookies. Yeah. And you're like, oh, cool.

Hey, does anyone want this? Yeah. And that's sad. Don't want cookies. But you really want this award? No, I just, no, no, you were talking about this. Uh-huh. And I saw that.

And when I got the list, I was so honored. And I was so honored. And then I was gonna post about it. And then Victoria was like, well, no one else has posted about it. And I was like, yeah, they don't give a fuck. Yeah. I was like, oh, wait, I give a fuck. Yeah.

If you nominate, so golden globes are coming up. Mm-hmm. I'm sure we're both getting nominated for our specials. Sledgehammer, we're submitted. Submitted, submitted, submitted. Golden Globes are coming up. This is the first year comics have ever been invited to the Golden Globes.

Yep. Sledgehammer is by far probably, if not the second biggest special on the platform, the third. It goes Chris Rock, John Mulaney, and you and John Mulaney are neck and neck. I'm sure. Big man.

My special was big, but I mean, it's not Mulaney, it's not you. I don't think so. No, but it was big, but I will say this. I will say this, God damn it, I love these fucking things, Tommy. I feel the energy that juice that God wanted you to have when you were born. I feel it, it's in my mouth, and it's coursing through

my fucking brain, and it's, I'm flowing quicker. Yeah, here's in my mouth, and it's coursing through my fucking brain. And it's, and it's, I'm flowing quicker. Yeah, here's the deal. Not to say John Mulaney doesn't care about a golden globe. Right. But Tom's grid does. No, I do. I think it would be amazing. It would be amazing.

You get a nice suit. It would be amazing to be nominated. All right, let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear Acceptance speech. My acceptance speech. Look off the dome. Off the dome.

Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees this year for Best Comedy Special, the first year ever in the history will be go, he will go down as he or she will go down as the best special first nominations are Chris Rock. Why did you have to slide me? I've got to have to have to have to have a special. I've got to have to have a special.

Matt Rife, this is too much pussy. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what I forgot what his specials call it. I don't know either. John Malaney, a Mattoree hub. Sarah Silverman, it's me again. I don't know what Amy of everyone's about. Louis CK. Yeah. I don't need the industry shot at Madison Square Garden. Yeah. Yeah. And Tom Sakura. Slideshamer. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is, oh, by the way, I'm pitching myself as a presenter too.

Oh, that'd be great if I presented this award because I go. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Sakuraagerro with Sledgehammer. Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, to the cat meat first of all, we're just golds, the Globers. The Globers? I don't know. The Hollywood Forum Press.

Oh, yeah, baby. That's who it is. The Hollywood Forum Press. So half of the money is to you. Oh, yeah. Which is my D the Globers. I don't know. The Glo... the Hollywood foreign press. Oh yeah, baby. That's who it is. The Hollywood foreign press. So half of the understand you. Oh yeah. Which is my gracias.

Mostly I want to thank my co-host, Bert Kreischer. Greatest guy who I cannot believe wasn't nominated. I don't know if you know this, but he won the pole star comedy tour of the year. And easily deserve this as well. So this is not, this is as much his as it is mine. I have kids and I have a wife. But I, I guess I'm a wife. First the best. Thanks for giving me that award, Bert.

And I'll say this is the first time I've actually given this shit about the Golden Globes, and you guys finally got one right. All right, do me an L. Okay, watch it. And watch, golden gloves, foreign press. I want you to watch the thunder I'll bring to this year's Golden Globes.

All right, okay. And the nominees for the best comedy special of the year Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart and John Mulaney and Sarah Silverman, okay, she's a Matt Rife and Bert Kreischer And the winner is, oh my god. This is so cool, man. My friend, Berkreicher, Razzle Dazzle. I want to take this minute. I just want to take one minute. Don't play the music. Don't

play the music. I want to thank my best friend Tom Segura. I was at the lowest I've ever been five years ago. I was stepping on the treadmill. I was overweight. Tom was fat chewing me. We were redoing our house. I had Lee and one of me get a bisectomy and I said, this is where I am in the business and he said, buddy, we can get you to where you need to be together. Together. We'll focus on your podcast. Focus on your stand up. And we did Rogan, shout out to Joe Rogan.

And I could really sell it. Yeah, you put me up there. I'll really sell it. I'm really fucking cry. I will cry. Yeah, real tears real tears. I think the Joe thing is a nice touch to because it kind of sticks I'll stick it to them about like you know, you're not really never got vaccinated. Yeah I'm on Iverbackton right now. I got a fucking sin in baby. Yeah. Oh fuck that's a great time to get a fucking ad it. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you know what? This is what you get when you sponsor our podcast. It'd be really cool if you win a golden globe and you're just like Manscaped. Uh, thanks so much for sending me that ball.

Where's coming and your boys need a trim. I think that would be a fucking gangster move. It would be amazing to sponsor to sponsor a comedian just like Golden Palace used to do. Yeah. And in that moment, just own it. They tattoo your fucking forehead. That guy. I think I like 10 grand or something. There was a chick on our cruise that had, tell me if this is the most Florida thing ever.

By the way, she will be going on my crews next year for free. Really? She had, there's two dudes. There's one dude with a micro penis and one, and this just thinks awesome. And this chick with a two tattoos. One cheek had the state of Florida.

The other cheek said harder. I mean, I searched out her ass the whole crew, someone showed me a picture of it and I was like, I gotta find her. When I found her, I was with Leanne, I was like, get over here, we're getting a picture with her right fucking now. Wow.

Fucking, and she was beautiful. Really? A shocking, I mean, I mean, this was respect. Well, we did. A shocking amount of hot chicks on this cruise. Really? A shocking amount of hot, a predictable amount of overweight man with beards,

yeah, a predictable amount of men and speedos, a unpredictable amount of alcoholics. I mean, we fucking dude, this cruise, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this out loud, but we broke records in alcohol. Really? On the first night, the crews ran out of vodka. On the first day, they had to stop the next day and have a boat ferry out vodka. Oh, I know some out of vodka they could get. That won't happen next year. No. The cruise was absolutely, and I've been very lucky to do some really cool things in my life.

It was the greatest event I've ever been gifted the responsibility of throwing, meaning like the fans tried like, you're a party and it was, I mean, five days, four nights of absolute debauchery from all ends of the spectrum. From all ends, people like Catherine Blanford showed up ready to fucking party. Mark Norman, Sean Patton. I mean, dude, are you garbage, guys? Everyone played their part. Everyone did the thing you'd want them to do every day. They were at this game called Let It Ride.

They did not know how to play. They did not know how to play. And every time you walked out by that table, it was Kevin telling Foley how to play once again. And they sat at that table, fans played with them. We had a night where it was like me, Mark Norman, it was all of a sitting at a table gambling. I'm shirtless, smoke it cigars.

We broke every fucking rule. The cruise let it happen. We had, you know, there's an epic speech that you ever hear the KFC guys tell the story about, I got the smallest penis. The KFC guy? Oh, oh, no. It's the fucking greatest reclaiming of manhood

I've ever heard in my life. Who says like so? Fightleberg's had a hockey tournament. Yeah. They're all, it's a bunch of dudes are all fucking pound and beers. They're in the bathroom. And one guy slams the door. By the way, I know I'm probably bastardizing the story.

This is a game. Slams the door and in a room full of 20 dudes goes, Joe Man, I have the smallest dick in the room. And then he drops his pants and he pulls out a micro penis and he starts flicking it with his finger and the place starts going wild. And then it gets quiet and another guy goes, no, I have the smallest dick in the room.

And he drops his pants and it's even smaller than the first guy. Well, we did a speed. It's a great. I love that story so much because it's guys with small dicks, yeah, owning having a small dish. Sure. So we get on the cruise and we do a speedo contest. Miss Pat Katherine Blanford, Philippe Asparza is the funniest human being. He's hilarious. Never lived.

He's never lived. Big J. Ocarson is by far the funniest man in the world. They're all on stage. They're doing a speedo contest. And one guy kind of shows his dick. And I say, I'll give $5,000 to the smallest dick on the boat. And all I'll say is I had to break off $2,500 to two people.

Really? It was. And we got a picture of it, which we'll never see the light of day. Yeah. Never see the light of day. It's going down, going down the grave with me. Impressive. Impressive. Small. How small? Like describe it. Um, do you ever see like the baby turtles when they get hatched? And their, and their heads go in. Yeah. Like really tiny, like really tiny heads. It was, it was a lot, one guy was a lot of pubis, like a lot of pubis. And that's what made his dick so small.

So like the padded, like the padded, but this guy, like that little tiny head, yeah, that little tiny head. And it was so, and he showed it to Miss Pat and Catherine Blanford. What did they say? Give that man his money. It was so fucking epic. That was the first day. That was the first day. And then the whole cruise was like, every night we ended up in my,

I had like a really big room. All the comics ended up in my room on that we had a big deck in my room. Yeah. Smoke and scars, talking shit, talking trash. It was an every comic that went, did they play their part, meaning like they hung out with the fans, they did amazing shows.

I mean, people were lined up. Jim Norton had a line for his show, a line for his show. Every day his show would start at like seven. People would line up at five o'clock to get seats for his show every show sold out Everyone that would get on stage miss Pat and Big J fucking Game changers. We brought Yannis popus. He fucking he's hilarious killed dude. Pete Lee is Surprisingly garbage what Pete Lee is surprisingly garbage.

What? Pete Lee was selling drugs at like 11. What? Pete Lee is the most fascinating guy. Oh, he did, are you garbage? He did, are you garbage? Oh, okay. And in his story, the fucking room was like, what the fuck?

It was, it was so much fun that without a doubt, the first day, I sat down with the people and they're like, yo, we don't, we can't tell you numbers yet, but we're tracking this. And this is going, this is going to be our biggest cruise we've ever done. Like we want, we want to do a bigger boat next year. We want to get like, and all I could think is, I want to bring the exact same comics. Like, they all have new shores, but they all, they was like, such a family. We don't go, we, but we got a band called the, the, the sun decors or, I'm sorry that I'm fucking up your name.

I'm sorry, but we got a band that played a yacht rock. So they played all the hits from the, did you do shows every night? Every show, every night to the show, every day did podcasts, landed her podcasts live for the first time ever. Are you garbage? Did a podcast mark Norman did one? I mean, everyone put on podcasts and podcasts and shows during the day at night Or were all shows up until 11 o'clock. We had

karaoke and the karaoke was I would say by far the biggest hit because people shong patent blew out his calf doing karaoke his calf he blew out his calf running it was chaos because you got you've got 500 people, maybe 600 people in an atrium with one stage and every comic got on stage and fucking sang bangers. And the fans came up, the fans sang, and if the fans came up, they could really sing. Like fans would come on, it would be some dude with like long hair and a scraggly shirt, and he'd get up and the second he grabbed the mic,

you're like, holy shit, is that Bob Seager? Like, it was so... I just saw a clip of a guy. And it's not the original guy who did it, but it was just like a 20 second clip on YouTube of this dude singing Soul Glow, you know, from coming to America. No.

Like, you remember the Soul Glow? Yeah, I remember. So this dude does it, like they look like they're in a record store or something, his voice is so amazed, but he's so, it's so unassuming. I don't know if you can pull that up, but if you go on YouTube, this dude,

it's just, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's good. Just a very stylish, dude. The lecture. Oh, I saw this. Oh Imagine if like that didn't walk on stage, you'd be like, what the fuck is going on? I gotta be honest with you, people who know how to sing.

When they do karaoke, all of a sudden, people would be like in tealant. Yeah, because you realize that it's a gift from the heavens. That's a voice that's put into you. And they know their lyrics, they know their lyrics. They, it's a gift. Like that guy, he went full lyrics, they know their lyrics. They, it's like, it's a, it's a gift like that. That guy, he went full, a full range, he changed completely. Yeah.

Did like them in different, uh, what I don't even remember the, yeah, but that's, that dude is like, it's, it's a, it's a gift. Leanne, every night was the first in line for fucking karaoke. Really? By the way, and I mean this, this cruise meant more to Leanne than anyone that did it. She was up with cocktails in the morning, bottle of champagne. The second we got on the boat, I was like,

just like ready to have a good time. Because I was, you know me, I don't, I don't, I sweat shit heavy. And so I had a drink for like 83 days and I knew I was drinking on the cruise but I was having a hard time getting into it because yeah, I honestly I feel so good not drinking that when I drink The next day I was terrified of the next day. Yeah, and Leanne's like, yo go out in Miami. Get yourself a really great bottle of champagne and Really treat yourself and what's crazy is that like You know, I don't know much about champagne by do know nori by the way right down Kodak black

We got to talk about Kodak black. Oh boy fucking that is the craziest interview. I've ever seen Nori I think I texted with nori about restaurants and then and I see him. He's always drinking Ace of spades Yeah, so it's like a spades ballet space. It's the first drink I'll have. Yeah. We go up on the thing, open the bottle. And Leanne was baller. Like she knew I was weird about sugar, too, because sugar was the kind of the thing that fucked me up. She got me, uh, as she just come up with the pinion calada, hey, have a great cruise. You know, like the whole time, Leanne had a blast every night. Her and Big J

would meet up at Sunset to watch the top side. I forget the name of the fucking band. They'd sit up, we'd all sit in this like sequestrad area, all the comics, we'd smoke cigarettes or cigars, whatever you're allowed to smoke. And we'd let the Sunset and we'd watch this band play all these 90s, 80s and 70s hits.

Yeah. Leanne had the greatest time of her life. And then we've faded it into a vacation. We won our first vacation, just me and her for like in 25 years. How was that? It was the dock sideers. I was right. The dock sideers. They were fucking amazing.

If you have a chance to hire the dock sideersiders, they will play every song you know by heart, and you didn't know you hadn't heard in forever. Those people were fucking amazing. We had Andy Frasco and the UN, we had, we had, who, oh, Sypha sounds as a gangster. Yeah. The fourth night, they find out whether it's bad they can't bring us all into shore, so we're just going to stay at sea, which by the way, I'd do it again. I wouldn't do a fucking excursion. We stayed at sea, just went super slow, calm waters. So I've sound got up at fucking eight in the morning because the new people were up,

went out, set up his DJ thing, him and Carter Cruz, and destroyed. And through a party, him, Felipe Big J, they threw a party for everyone that was up and was going to out. And they started drinking Mark Norman, drank fucking sun up, the sun down. He hempholipe, Big J, they threw a party for everyone that was up and was going to out and they started drinking Mark Norman, drank, fucking sun up, the sundown, the group of comics. And I feel bad that I'm not naming everyone. Jim Norton, dude, I was really cool is like, I got to have a minute with everyone. Like, I got to talk to, yeah, it's really hard to sit and get Jim, you know, unless you're

at the seller. But like, for me, it's hard to get him, just private. And I got like a whole evening of just talking to him, chopping up comedy, talking shit. It's the bit is, it was the single greatest thing and then we go on vacation and Leanne planned our whole vacation. We got a boat to take us out. We went and kissed stingrays and went and drank beers,

like, second we get there, Leanne's like, guys like, oh, good beer. And Leanne goes to them. I'm like, who is this fucking jet? Do she, the only thing she fucked up is, I got the best eavesdrop I've ever had in my life. And she was talking over it, and I had to tell her to shut her mouth.

Okay. Tell me on vacation. On vacation. What was the eavesdrop? We're in a cabana next to another cabana. So I apologize. If I'm if you're going to hear the story and you're going to know to you. And he had just gotten into his third marriage or fourth marriage. He's from Canada. And he this is what I hear as I get my drink. right? I light a cigar and I hear oh Almost killed my first wife on her honeymoon. She got frostbite. We're gonna take her to the hospital

I go frostbite honey moon. What the fuck and the end goes? What should we get to eat? I go shut the fuck up Yeah, she's like what I go I'm listening to something right now This guy proceeds to say how his wife, for their honeymoon, they went horseback riding and bamf in the winter and his newlywed wife gets frostbite pneumonia and then food poisoning and she almost died. He goes, I should have let her go. Give us a message from God. And I'm like, I introduced myself to him.

I was like, please come with our commandants, I'll ask more stories. And he was fucking, yeah, he was awesome. We had drinks with him in his whole group. And he knew who I was, his other friends didn't know who I was and then it was great dude it was it was everything about that it was if you had quit drinking for 83 days and you needed to like fall in love with alcohol again like really you know like dance with her and get the way. That was a way to do it.

I said to Peter, this is, and this is a bad analogy, but like alcohol is like a high school girlfriend. I lost my virginity to her. Like we fuck, we know how to fuck. We fight too, you know, gets dirty. Like we don't fight fair, because we're in high school. And we still, as long as we've dated, we never fought fair, you know?

Yeah. And then sobriety or weed, weed for me was like a new girlfriend. Sure. Like, she was cool. Like, she was different, different, chill. Very different, not as argumentative. But also, ultimately, not really the person who tugs your heartstrings.

Well, she was like cool. Like, I met her when I was... She introduced you to some bands. Yeah, and there's been some bands that can't play for two. It's like, if me and alcohol saw the relationship me and we'd have, alcohol would be like, who the fuck is this bitch? Yeah. The fuck do you guys do for fun?

Yeah. But then I went back to my high school girlfriend, and I came back, she's like, you see anyone? And I was like, I put weed in my pocket, and I was like, no, no, no, it's just me and you. I don't know, I'm not seeing anybody. And then we fucked this first night. We fucked hard.

Yeah. And we fucked. We fucked like, we fucked like 10 nights in a row. Wow. We fucked 10 nights in a row. And and we, we would fight like it. We would definitely fight in the mornings. She would fight me like, did you have a stroke last night?

And I'd be like, huh? What? And like, are we really going to the gym? Let's just fucking sleep. Oh, you know what? Let's just fuck again. And then I'd be like, okay. Well well fuck, it seems early to be fucking. She'd be like, put in my ass. I'm like, okay, we'll put in your ass.

And then the last day, like when we're flying back from our vacation, I realized, like, I realized like how unhealthy our relationship can be at times, especially when we fuck that much. We don't really talk about our emotions and we just fuck and like, just we play with our asshole and And on the plane she was like are we still dating or what like you're acting weird with me and I was like I do this other thing now And she was like she's like, bro, bro. It's a sleeper bed. It's a super bad. The flight attendant knows who you are. We're good. We're good Yeah, and I got home and we the first night I was home. We came out to me and was like, hey, Jeff, a good time. And I was like, yeah. And we was like, you're acting different. I was like,

no, it's nothing. And we'd like, should we should we full around or did you hook up with someone? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And then I hit it. And we was like accusatory as fuck. But like, your head's not right. Like, what's going on with you? And I was like, I'm back. I saw my ex-girlfriend and we was like, and you know what we said? What? That's cool. It's cool, man.

Hey, listen, I get it. I doubt other people too. But we're right now, it's me and you. So I started dating weed again for like a straight week. No, didn't even call my high school girlfriend. Didn't even text her, nothing. She hit me up a couple of times. Sure.

I was like, hey, should we fuck tonight? And I'd be like, I'm doing other stuff. And then, and then we had a big event that for Eilas school and my ex-girlfriend was like, yo, you're definitely taking me, right? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I take you. She's like, I got a dress for this. And I was like, I know, I know, we're good.

So I took her and we had a fucking blast. We had a fucking blast. And I was like, you kind of built to date two people. I think I'm in a, I think I'm in a thrupple. I think so too. I'm in a thrupple. And then the next morning, do you know what my, what we did?

What? We was like, do you have a good time with the ex-girlfriend? I went, wait, you knew we were dating? It's like, yeah, I know you. You're cool, man. Yeah, yeah, cool. And so I fucked her, I fucked my new girlfriend last night. Cool. I fuck, she's in my pocket right now. Yeah, you're cool. And so I fucked her, I fucked my new girlfriend last night. Cool.

I fuck, she's in my pocket right now. Yeah, she wants to fuck tonight. I think we will. Oh wow. Yeah, and then I did, I've been fuck, I've been raw dawning her. I've been eating my edibles at night. Dude, it's the greatest thing. So now that we've got everyone into nicotine,

let's get them on the weed. Yeah, I mean, edible for me, like a nice Indika in the evening, about our, hour and change before I want to go to sleep. It's the move, dude. And also it, it, it, if you, I came off of a show, got back, had dinner, then had it and gotten bad. And I was, I was talking about my act and thinking about it. I mean, shit just starts.

I had to get up and pace because I was just talking to myself so much and I was pacing around the room. When you realize the weed's taken over. Oh yeah, tell you what. And you're like, wait, I'm in the, I'm talking to myself in the fucking pantry. Yeah, I was like, I was in deep conversation with myself. I would, I got in deep conversation with myself.

I would, I got high and sat in my backyard night at cigar and I'm looking at my backyard and I started getting emotional about how lucky I am and like, did I have this yard and I have these trees and these trees are safe with me, I'm not cutting them down. And then I'll start, I'm like, wait, I'm gonna do the best was last night, last night.

I had three, I got on an Instagram thread. I don't know what it was, but it was three of the hardest laughs I've ever had. It started with a woman doing a slingshot of a watermelon. Have you seen this? Yeah. And she goes, take that castle and let's go to the watermelon

and it goes back and then hits her in the face. And I could not stop laughing and Leanne goes, are you high? And I was like, I am. She's like, it's not that funny. It's kind of sad. And I was like, baby, you've got to see it. I'll text it to you.

Can you play it on the thing? She gets, takes it. This is it. This is it. Just focus. I'm not kidding. I'm just getting frustrated. Okay. Oh!

Oh! Oh! You got the sister. You were super, super close. Right in the kisser. Show that night who's boss. That's good. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. It's a good edit, too. That's a good edit. My... No, the way to play the rest. I think she's dead.

Keep going. My algorithm on Instagram is the darkest thing No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Instagram like it's fucking insane what comes up because I'm in so many Text threads with people who like we won up each other like I found this one that now Instagram's like Oh, you you want them boys like you want to see some shit and so every time I open it It's just like someone getting stabbed Fucking jumping off a bill on fire Someone getting stabbed, fucking jumping off a bill on fire. It is so funny when you're high. Dude, I saw... I did last night, I did last night where I was seeing that kind of shit.

And I was, I had a moment and I go, I shouldn't, I shouldn't just consume nothing but this for the hour before I go to bed. And I put my phone down because I was like, this is so bad, so dark. So wait, wait, hold on. I have two me thoughts going on right now. So I had to change my algorithm. Because my algorithm was all comedy shit and podcast stuff. How'd you change?

So I would just start saying for other things. No, I do not suggest this. I'll go to you. And because I was like, all I'm doing is watching other comics do great. And I was like, all I'm doing is watching other comics do great. And I was like, and ultimately it ends up fucking with your head. And you're like,

I came off fully loaded where we did the gorge and sold it out. And the next thing I see is like, someone selling out a theater and I go, fuck, I'm not doing shit with my life. And then I was like, well, that's not healthy.

So it's watches, boat launches. Yeah. And then I got into, so like everyone knows I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed and I know it doesn't maybe seem that way from the way I talk. Yeah. We're like, Cuberman, camhains, dude hung out with camhains in fucking Portland.

Yeah. That guy is a savage. Yeah, him and he's got a new shoe that's fucking awesome. Heyman is his son's. His son, by the way, his two sons, one's a low key gangster. The other one's a, He's got a new shoe that's fucking awesome. He meant his sons. By the way, his two sons, one's a low key gangster. The other one's a, I'll do 5,000 pull-ups in an hour gangster.

Yeah, the pull-ups thing. And then they also casually run marathons on their lunch breaks. And in the middle of lunch they're eating elk. They carried out on their back. Cam Hayes sat with me for about an hour and a half and just talked. And I was like, I was enmeshed.

I could fucking talk to that guy for hours. Cause he's, and here's why I like him. He's not glitzing glam. He does the thing he says he's gonna do. And a lot of times he doesn't tell you about half the shit he does. For sure. David Goggins, Jesse Iszler like all these guys

I'm really attracted to that energy so I start to follow them and all these guys and I got and when you so that got into my algorithm, but then This is the coolest thing. I think I've realized and my new girlfriend showed me this My new girlfriend really showed me humility like in a way I haven't seen it So I'm into these like and then all of a sudden, you start seeing some dudes, not all the dudes, but some dudes are just jack dudes giving you life advice. It's like, and some are just far-based life advice. Like you're like, yeah, I don't have time to,

I wake up at three in the morning, and then that's when I get my first workout in, and then that's when the general puts six, I get my second workout in then, and then I've learned that if I can cheat code, and I'm just sitting there going like, then I'm not doing that. Yeah.

I was in bed with Liam after the big event we went to, and I took hit a weed, and I saw a dude, I don't have his info on me, but it was, I'm not trying the right way to say this, because I need to show you the shittiness before I realized the brilliance of it. He was, I don't know, I'm not trying to, the right way to say this, because I need to show you the shitting that's before I realized the brilliance of it. He was very regular. He was like, he was like, hey, I forget his name,

but Thrasher, something Thrasher. And he's like, I'm gonna show you how I get ready for my day. And he was like, first off, I take a pound of frozen ground beef, put it on the counter, put rice in the rice cooker, boom, Folders, I dump it into, and when he said, Folders, my brain went Folders, what the fuck kind of life advice am I getting? I'm not gonna get Folders, what the fuck? And he's like, meal prep, and that's how I start my day. And I, my first, and I say that to this guy, I hope he understands this apology. At first I go, is he teaching me how to be mediocre? Like, I know how to make rice and ground beef.

Yeah. And then my new girlfriend said, and this is the beauty of marijuana. That guy is every guy you know, every guy you grew up with. Every guy, busting his ass, who watches no offense, but Andrew Heuriman and David Goggins and goes, yeah, I've been in the sun all day moving lumber. I don't have time to get into a polar plunge and a sauna

and take my DAD HD, whatever, all the medications. I don't have access to that, nor do I have the funds, but I do want to better myself and this is accessible. This is how I can get a jump on my day and then I start to read all those things and all those things are like, yo, it's like, I don't, I'm paraphrasing, but like, yo, it's okay to work on yourself and to go to therapy.

Yeah. And then I was like, oh, that's every one of the ends, cousins. That's every dude I grew up with, every dude working a real blue collar job would love a little bit of a hack on how to make their life a little more manageable so they can be there for the kids in the morning or be there at night when they get home their night their days and overwhelms and I went and I now My algorithm is filled with blue collar Life coaches like just dudes Jack to have motorcycles that are tatted up They're like, yo, I found Jesus a couple years ago,

and I'm better now. And they just show you these life hacks for them, and I'm like, more of that please. I wish I could say this guy's name is something thrasher, because I would love to give him the credit, but he changed. I smoked weed and watched him, and I went, oh yeah, that's accessible.

Like that's, I'm not gonna get my blood work done by, which we can afford to do ways to wellness. I'm not getting my blood work done and get on testosterone. It's expensive as fucking shit. I'm just looking for ways to make my life more manageable and God bless my fucking girlfriend weed. For just going like, just showing me, like just, that's a beauty of getting high as your brain just thinks sideways about things. And then you go, yeah, more of that. I mean, also keep with the hubramins, keep it all those guys. There's all the more advice you can get, the better, but like come from all ends.

I like that shit. And that's very cool. Yeah, that's cool. I love weed. Yeah, I love weed. It's almost, I have. I definitely is like, it's the better of the the two I know her and her roommate will let me fuck Her roommate is coolest fuck before I forget I want to shout out a little while ago Eric wins sent us some watches

Heard this. Yeah sent us some watches couple of sacos. Yeah, so I wanted to say thank you because we haven't seen each other in a while Also, I wanted to quickly tell you don't even know, women working really hard on a special that we're releasing. Hold on. Yeah. Okay. Finish this because I want to say very seldomly has my mom called me and said, have you seen what Tom did?

Very seldom. My dad will do it all the time. Do Tommy's fucking great. He's fucking Tommy guy. I gotta hang out with you and Tommy one time. I'd love to hang out with the big Albert. Oh wait, wait, I didn't finish the thing. Say it, because I'll about to.

December 15th, we are dropping 69 minutes, which is a special that we've been putting together for months and so many people have participated in it. We have the, are you garbage guys in it? Joe List is in it, Ryan Sickler's in it, Brian Simpson's in way. What did Joe List say about me because he texted me? I haven't seen the episode. He destroyed. I know. He texted me. I'm sorry I had to do that. No, he was fine. I was like, Joey, I thought we were cool. No, no, no, he was, he just, you know, he could say whatever he wants.

Yeah, no, he was, and he was also, it was, we were like, he's like, everybody asks about this, I got it. He was hesitant to talk, I was like, I tell anyone, he was, he was sweet about it. I don't mind. I, I think we've always had this agreement.

I, by the way, we gotta hang on. We have, we have so much to cover in this episode. Yeah, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, one second. I gotta say, okay, way, we got to hang on. We have so much to cover in this episode. Yeah, wait, hold on, hold on one second. I got to say, okay, do not, okay, we got it. Keep going, keep going. 69 minutes comes out December 15th at YMHStudios.com. And it's a huge, huge group effort

from everybody that works your, the entire staff. And like I said, all these comics, I gotta give a credit to Adam Loet who has been writing and producing on this. But anyways, it's a huge endeavor and we're very excited about it. And it's our first time doing this type of streaming special event.

Well, that's it. I hope it fails. Horribly. And you focus on taking adventures with your mom. Oh, yeah, I got a lot of messages a lot. Yeah, that's the greatest thing you've ever done. A lot of people told me that. Yeah, it was fun, right? Can I just can I just give you my heart, Bert, Bert conqueror list? Sure. And can I take your mom on an adventure? I want to take her swimming with sharks. I want to take her swimming with sharks so bad. So it's my favorite thing in the world.

Yeah. And it's so much fun, but your mom is fucking gold. Yeah, she's great. She's really good in this and like, you know, it's so fun because I took her, if you don't know. I'll take your mom and your sisters. I fucking, I love her family. I hung out with your sister and I've never enjoyed one human being more.

I can imagine you sit at Thanksgiving, quiet, just going shut everyone shut the fuck up. Me and your sister could be twins. We could be twins. I think if your sister was in charge of adoption, your family would adopt me and kick you out. You're probably right. That is your sister is fucking your sister. She's like you. She's like you.

She's going to get a word in Edgewise talking to each other. Yeah. She is the most... I don, I wanna get in too much of it because it is your family and I don't wanna talk about your family, but like she is such an anomaly of a human being that as you talk to her, you're like, hold on, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're in the air force, like what the fuck?

Your sister is fucking awesome, but your mom, is the funniest thing I've ever seen. It was great. If there are people listening or watching that haven't seen it, if you go to my YouTube page, the Tom Segura YouTube page, we put a video together of what,

she was visiting Austin on her birthday. And I pitched it, because I knew I had to at least pitch it right. I go, do you want to go for a helicopter ride on your birthday? Expecting her 100% to say no. I go, you want to go? And she was like, yeah, she goes, that'd be fun. I go, yeah, I've been taking lessons. It'll be, it'll just be like a nice ride.

And I know what this helicopter is capable of because I've been going up in it. And that's the chopper that like the Coast Guard gets. If you don't know anything about a helicopter, you will be shocked the capabilities of a helicopter. I wish we could have covered you would die if you know with this. It's doing things that other choppers that are set up differently. I mean, it has like five fully articulating blades.

So the maneuvers that can do, you can't do in every chopper. But it's, yeah, it's an empty 500. And this guy, we've done it together. So I was like, hey, when we get up there, I go, I'll fly, and then we'll do the signal, and then you do all those maneuvers. And he was like, for real?

And I go, yeah. And we had the GoPro's mounted. And man, we don't, obviously we had to cut it down. The full raw footage. I mean, she's reaching over and hitting him. Like, and she's trying it. She's like, stop, don't, and I could hear her going, think about your father.

Like, think about your father. But what do he would say. I could hear her screaming and then finally, she just gives in. But he would do, he went vertical, he went, he knows dive, pulled up at the last second, flew sideways through a ravine. Like he was doing bonkers shit in that thing.

And she, she was losing her, it was the bad, I was laughing so fucking hard. Cause I couldn't see her. I was she, she's losing her, it was the bad, I was laughing so fucking hard, because I couldn't see her. I was like, I could hear her, and I knew what she was going through, and I just, I've never been at that. My mom called, she goes, I wanna meet Tom's mom, and I was like, I can make that happen.

Oh yeah, I can definitely, all right, let's talk about our favorite, I'm going to Tampa in March, really? Yeah, well, by the time this comes out, my new tour, the first leg's already announced and Taylor's in it. Yeah, yeah. Just send your mom.

I'll bring my mom. Oh yeah. March. The, the guest bears. Guest bears were really fun. I'll tell you who I was most excited for was Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn is such a fucking person. He was amazing.

He was amazing. And like such a fucking legend. Such a legend. He might be, he might be. I know you identified with when I told him I was like, like if I was going up on a spot and I saw you, I would look at my list, be like, I can't fucking do this in front of him.

Like I would have to second guess everything. He's the best. I mean, he just is like our, he's like our Benjamin Franklin, like the statesman that's had nine different careers. And then all of a sudden, now he's running the country. He's a joke that I told,

that he doesn't even remember. I love when you telecomic, oh, you know, joke I loved yours and you say to them and they go, I don't even remember that. Yeah. Like Kurt Madskar said to me, Kurt Madskar one time, we, I just saw him the other day. Kurt Madskar is Kurt Madskar 100% the time. 100% the time. He's also super hilarious. Oh, he's so fun. Kurt Madskar just came up to me. We're at a big, you know, Hollywood event and everyone's talking Hollywood shit. Kurt Metsch just comes up and he goes, can you believe just out of nowhere? Can you believe we used to think monkeys, someone fucked a monkey and that's how we got

AIDS? Can you believe we believe that? And I'm just like, huh? And then he goes, huh, Kurt? And he's like, we used to think, but Kurt Metsch has one of those jokes like that that I told him that night that he does not remember telling Colin Quinn Is a joke he doesn't remember telling about He goes, hey, that's new save the polar bear ad save the polar bear and you guys are and they're all you're gonna

Share for that ladies and gentlemen. Let me tell you something if a polar bear walked into this room You'd be throwing chairs at it. I Mean he is the Colin Quince of Best. Matt Rive, how was Matt Rive? I didn't listen to that one yet. It was great. Matt Rive, it was great. Fucking money.

It's like, I mean, his special just came out. It's probably number one on Netflix right now. I'm sure. He, it's really, you know, everybody probably dreams of having what happened to him. And I don't think it's a thing that most people can handle.

And what I mean is that his whole life completely changed dramatically in a 12 month period. Like, we talk about it when he came on, but one year prior to when he sat down there, he was like, I was clearing like $300 for a gig. He was doing my podcast. And he, yeah.

One year before, I mean, I'm being saying this with love. A year before, a year and a half before I had met right from the podcast. And it maybe got like 15,000 views on YouTube. On YouTube, the downloads are different, but on YouTube, that's the test of like, if it's gonna, you know, and I was like, I was like, I was like, good interview, too.

We talked about his dad, we talked about Ralphie, we talked, he was a great interview. And I was like, God, man, this kid's gonna pop him, Trevor Wallace, did dudes that are just like, like they come on, they deliver. But, and then he popped and all the sudden it's like 7 million. It's, yeah, I mean, the thing is that like, like I said, it's, everyone thinks that you know, in your 20s, you're like, I want to, I want to be superstar, I want all this to

happen. But it is a lot to, and I think the way that he is handling and managing that is actually very impressive. And we talked just a lot about how his life has changed and like what's happening and he's already making, I think pretty really sound decisions for someone who's like 27 and just got like the world handed to them like seemingly overnight.

It's a... Because what happens is though, industry, sometimes the industry doesn't know anything other than, it's like when they put pizza out at a buffet or sushi and you just grab the first sushi they see, that's what the industry does. And sometimes that means you're just getting a bunch of California rolls. You didn't see what's coming out later. But Matt Rife has, and there should be a documentary film crew following him right now. Yeah, because this trajectory

It's unlike anything we've ever seen in our Yeah, it's the only person that's close to probably and not even close to but like similar to yeah is Chappelle With his trajectory and stuff. Chappelle was Chappelle was at a younger age Probably 17 was given the keys to the kingdom. Shepelle, the story is, like 17, he went to Montreal and he did two different 30-minute sets to showcase. Yeah. And the industry stopped. It was like, this is the guy. This is the guy, yeah. He did two different 30-minute sets. Well, his production company is called Pilot Boy because he did like 11 pilots in a couple years. He did everything. And and and Chappelle. And I and I think Chappelle would admit it that

he had some emotional bumps along the way, like losing friends, losing managers, losing agents, like fucking going to Africa. Yeah. Like Chappelle paid the tax through mental health with it and is on the other side of it, but with so much wisdom. Yeah. You look at me and you're like, I don't know, I mean this sincerely.

And I'm really glad it didn't happen to me. Yeah. Like I could. I would have, I would have fucked it up. I was not, I would not have been prepared for that. I thought I'm so like I told Adam divine one time we were at a bar in like Spokane and he had sold out the theater and I had sold out the club and we all came to this bar to party and I've known Adam since he was younger. Yeah. And he said to me, congratulations on selling out the comedy club this weekend.

And I said, yeah, thank you. I hope you know how much that means to me. I said, you know, your career is on a fucking rocket ship. But I wish I could gift you just in like a pill where you could take it and feel it. What it's like to work for 20 years and then get success, I would never, you'd never want someone to have to do that. Because it's 20 years of going, fuck, what am I doing? What am I doing?

What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Everyone starts blowing up around you. But to get out on the other side of it, it gives you such amazing perspective and you feel so full of gratitude, so many times that like you're like, you're just like, and you knew me that entire time. So I don't need to say this to you,

but then you go, fuck, I mean, everyone wants what happened to Matt. Everyone wants it, yeah, that's it. But could you come out on the other side, like guys that that happened to, Matt Rife, Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Koocher. Yeah. Ashton Koocher was in LA for like 13 days.

And then he got 70, show. Really? That quick. He said, I'll give myself two weeks. He was like at the 13th day, I'm by the way, I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure it's longer. I'm sure it was like six months. But like,

I think also, do you remember that actor, Josh Hartnett? Was that his name? God, he was gorgeous. He can't, he's still gorgeous. He came to LA, the story was, I think the story was that he booked his first audition. He's first or second audition. What's he doing now? He is fucking perfect.

He's still acting. Yeah, he just doesn't. He is fucking perfect. He is perfect. Okay. He is so fucking attractive. Ah! Yeah, look, he's an Oppenheimer.

He was a, oh yeah, that operation fortune, that was that Netflix one, he was really good in that. He plays the actor, the like the action actor. He was great in it. Dude, Josh Hartnett is the fucking man. And Josh, if you're wondering, Bert finds you absolutely perfect. He is perfect.

He didn't need hair plugs. Do you ever see the Lucky Sleven? Lucky Sleven? It's type in Lucky Sleven. Is that Josh Hartnett? Please say I got the right guy. Lucky number Sleven. There you go. Dude, in that movie, he plays like,

that movie is fucking amazing. It looks like it. Damn, it's got 7,500 five star reviews. It's nice. Josh Hartnett, by the way, Josh, you're still in LA. We're always looking for guest bears, but I will try to kiss you.

And that is a promise. I think, is any like Minnesota? Is that my wrong? Is he living in Minnesota? How the fuck those guys? How the fuck do they get? I wish I had the balls to fucking. We were to Leon and I were talking about when I was going to college,

like, where are we gonna stay in LA? Yeah, you know, like, should we, should we Bruce Willis hit and get a fucking place in Sun Valley and just fucking live there? We were talking, we were really honestly talking about Austin. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah, but, but, because two reasons, one, my, my bus to come back to LA,

it's putting an extra 5,000 miles crazy. Get a place here you stop being gay? Can it place you we've talked about it, but But there's so many places and you look at guys like Josh Hartnett who just go like Yeah, okay, there's a guy Carter Osterhouse. You know that is who Carter Osterhouse. Yeah He's a fucking design guy like a builder. He's fucking him and all his brothers are gorgeous They're fucking they live in they live they live in like Michigan on the lake. They all have speedboats.

They took us out for fully loaded. Look at him, he's fucking goddamn gorgeous. Let him walk into a, you know the answer? She would let me and Thor run a train on her. That's cool. She would let us, and she goes, I'd be in a threesome with you guys. I go, no, that's a train. That's both of us fucking you. She was like, Oh, yeah, I'd be into it. You be in it. She'd be into that. She'd be into it. Is this her, is this her

like the top one? She said I could be there. I think it's technically what I get towels for them. But she a big hem's worth. That's her guy. That's her guy. Yeah, that's like it like if he tries to kiss her in front of me. Yeah, I got to let it happen By the way, Chris Hemsworth, do you have a big fan? Do you have one for her? Do you tell her who you get to kiss in front of her? Yeah, I was asked that too and I was like I don't know she was like who's like the actress that you're like Oh like she's I'm, I don't know.

I have a, like Jessica Chastain's pretty perfect. Yeah. Our fucking pilot that flew me in today was fucking hot as shit. The pilot? You know, was it, United Airlines, the hottest, and you're a great pilot also. Yeah, big respect on your flying skills. But she was.

Of course she was like Jessica Chastain. Really? She came out and I got off. I didn't drink on the flight, but there was really bad turbulence coming in. And she was like, she was like, yeah, the turbulence is pretty rough, huh? And I was like, yeah, she goes, yeah,

we don't really feel it up front. I was like, you were working up front. I thought I knew all the flight attendants up front. And then someone was like, a great flight captain or whatever. And I was like, Oh, you're the pilot. And then, and then I thought I was bad. And then older fucking Austin money dude went over and handed him her, her, her baggage claim to get. And he goes, are the bags coming up here? She goes, I don't know. I'll check. She was really cool, but I guarantee, type in hot, hot,

united pilot. Those pilots have great Instagrams, by the way. All the pilots do these Instagrams are all like influencers. Oh, there you go. No, that's, oh, I know that guy. I follow him on Instagram. You follow the hot guy? Yeah, he's on the Bachelor.

Oh, really? Yeah, I follow him. His workouts are non-negotiable. Nice. I fucking follow this fucking cunt, I follow him. His workouts are non-negotiable. Nice. I fucking follow this fucking cunt. I follow him. Shit. He's on the bachelor. He's like in great shape.

Island George, Islandley and I are watching the bachelor and the silver bachelor. Oh, I've seen the commercials for that. Silver bachelor's. Silver bachelor's pretty cool. Was he like 60 or something? He's like 70. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a grandfather. He's pretty cool. Was he like 60 or something? He's like I think he's like 70 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a grandfather. He's not 70

Yeah, oh the silver bachelor is there's no way The silver bachelor the silver bachelor age And at one no point does he say stuff? Yeah, I would say we're right like where he goes like he's 70 loads in these chicks No menopause Wow 71 and then the fucking chicks are fucking I'd hit it really? I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was Mm, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, but God damn, you're fucking close. You are fucking close. She, see who she follows. I guarantee you she follows another hot pilot. This pilot's red hair, more petite. Okay.

But man, she was fucking hot. Beautiful. Yeah. If she had just come out and been like, Hey guys, we're gonna hit turbulence, but don't worry, I'm on it. Everyone had been like, okay, I know what I'll be thinking about when I. Well, look dude, I'm glad we got together.

It's good to see you. It's good to see you too. We're gonna have some fun tomorrow. What's the name of this stuff I have in my mouth? It's Rogue. Rogue? What do you get my mouth? It's Rogue. Rogue? What do you get it at?

Fucking gas station? Oh. Yeah. I know, you ready for another one? I mean, I don't know how soon can I have another one? All day. Stay in the zone. I'll move it up top.

It's a little cool when you wear it like this. Yeah, it does. And actually, some people think they feel it more up there. It burns again. Mm- there. It burns again. It's back. I follow a bunch of kids on Instagram. What? All right.

We're both up, we're both up, our deckers. Thanks for watching and listening. We'll learn about those kids next time. Hahaha. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swath the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cake.

you