2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Bears Go Up In Smoke | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

The End is here! Ari's new storytelling show is $5.99 per episode at https://theend.ymhstudios.com. There's a total of 7 episodes for you to enjoy! Check out Joe DeRosa's new podcast Vile and Horrendous Pull up a chair and listen to what Joe does best: piss and moan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvLI8xCAa0 SPONSORS: - Brought to you by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears. - Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com - Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tim and Bart go up in smoke, sharing cigars together as they talk about whatever floats around in their collective heads. They talk about fat guy problems, before going into Tiger Woods' spiraling personal life. The Bears also walk down memory lane, comparing the infamous fat Bert pitching photo to one of him recently, and the drastic change is pretty staggering. They also unpack the text exchange between a student and the teacher sister of influencer Noah Beck, share some wild drug stories, and check out a clip of Doug Stanhope roasting a city council. Also the 2 Bears 5k is coming up! Hope you been training. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 328 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:56 - Fat Guy Problems 00:09:23 - Tiger Woods & Cigars 00:21:23 - Pitching Fat Pictures 00:29:30 - Noah Beck's Sister's Texts 00:43:40 - Age Differences 00:47:12 - Girl Talk 00:48:17 - Wild Drug Stories 00:59:19 - Doug Stanhope Fought City Hall 01:05:40 - Brendon Walsh Shenanigans 01:11:33 - Sabbatical & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% And we're back. It's another episode of Two Bears One Cave. We're here in Austin, Texas with my buddy Bert. And this is our week, man. This is our week. This is Netflix is a joke week. We are going to be in Los Angeles this week.

There's a bunch of shit going on. But most importantly, the 5K. The Two Bears 5K. If you have not yet registered, go to Two Bears 5K.com. It'll be May 9th in Pasadena at the Rose Bowl. It is one big party. What I'm saying is we are not elite runners, and a lot of people who show up, show up just to walk, to feel like they're part of a community. Some people jog, some people run, walk, some people fucking sprint.

You can participate in any which way you want to, but know that we have recovery centers, we have entertainment, we have food, we have porosos. We've decked this place out. We will have everything, cold plunges, saunas. It's year three. We have it dialed in, dude. Yeah. This is the best 5K out there without a doubt. And it's a blast.

And like I said, let us be your first 5K. We are great entry level 5K. It's so fun. It really is so fun. A lot of comedians will be there. A lot of your favorites will show up. There's going to be actors and singers. All types of celebs will be there,

but it's really about just the community atmosphere. And it really is so much fun. I never thought that this would be something that would happen in my life. And I've done ours, obviously. This will be the third in a row. I've done other ones. There's nothing like this thing.

There really is nothing like it. I'm so glad we've had a bunch of stupid ideas. And I'm so glad this one stuck around. This is a great idea. This is, and this is probably the best idea we've ever had because it's a small amount of work on our part. Yeah.

Our teams take care of it. They try to plan everything. And we just run. I'm going to be fucking flying this year. Yeah, you are. I know. I mean, probably from last year, you're probably down like 40 pounds or something, right?

Oh, I couldn't even tell you. I don't know. I don't I never It's so funny when you when you start to get healthy Certain things like There's this guy that's got this Instagram account And he's like and it's I wish I could give me a shout out But he's like things fat guys do

And it's all he does is things fat guys do Like sits down on the couch and then puts a pillow over his stomach And I go I do that all the time Or like just tugging his shirt like like having like The pool The pull away And um And I

I could tell you things unhealthy guys do like unhealthy guys will never let you take their blood pressure uh I've never heard somebody so aggressive towards somebody than when I've been with you

and somebody's like like to get an IV it's usually a standard thing where they go just take your blood and you'll go don't fucking do that shit and I'm like holy shit I said something about that on stage the other night is like if you're with a guy who doesn't like his blood pressure getting tight he's the who needs to get his blood pressure

of course and uh I've seen you get aggressive. I take my blood pressure every fucking day now, and I take a picture of it, and I send it to my cardiologist. 11-over-72 this morning. I don't know anything about blood pressure. I do.

Is that good? Oh, it's perfect. It's perfect. What was it? What was it when it was bad? Like, what was the... When I was in the hospital with the blood clot, it was 170 over 110.

Which is like... That's not good. It's not good. And it was so bad, they turned the thing, so I couldn't see it. Really? Yeah.

And the guy said to me, I told you this, but the guy said to me when I was in the CAT scan, he's like, are you having a heart attack? Because the blood pressure was just sky. And now what happens when you get injured, when you're in pain or injured, your blood pressure raises? Yeah.

So I had a blood clot and, you know, it's crazy. I mean, I'm obsessed with my whoop. Yeah. The day I got the blood clot, the day I got the blood clot, my biological age on the whoop shot up. is 60 years old. Wow.

The day, and that thing is so fucking accurate. By the way. Is it wild to you that that's your next benchmark thing? What's that dying? No, 60.

I don't know. I never thought about it. Leanne said to me, she goes, how much longer are you going to be doing this? I don't remember that. And I'm like, fucking,

I'm going to buy a bus just a spider. Do you, do you, but when you sit in that, do you actually think about that? Like, like that question, do you ever go like,

well, how much longer will I do? do this or no no I don't only because like everyone's still doing it that's older than me yeah so I go well I guess I'll wait and watch till they stop yeah it's crazy can I tell you something that's driven me nuts and I'm I'm only saying this out loud because I would never never say this to him privately I would never say but I don't mind saying things publicly red band the other day when I was in the mothership the last time I was on the mothership he goes uh what did he say to me goes uh you don't look like you're going to die.

And I was like, just out of nowhere? Yeah, and he was like, you're my canary in the mine. And I was like, I'm your canary in the mine. Like, I say you that article about outrunning death.

Yeah. And apparently if you work out, the more, I'm doing this stat wrong, but the morbidity for people who just drink is like this. They just all die, right? The morbidity for people that work out

is like this. They live forever. But the morbidity of people who drink and work out is almost, identical to people that just work out. And this is what you embrace the hardest. I hang my dick on that.

Yeah. I fucking. And now I'm just working out, just working out. Yeah. And I go, I've got to be adding up. I'm losing biological age every week. I drop like six months, six months. Really?

I'm down to like 56 years old right now. That's great, man. I know. But I... What do you think you can do the 5K in? I definitely break 30. I know that. That's great.

Yeah. I've been running about, I've been doing legs a lot and not running as much. So, and then when you run after you've done legs, you just have spring in your step. I can probably do the 5K in under, maybe under 27 minutes. That's super impressive. Yeah, but I got nothing else, Tom. Well, yeah. Like, I got nothing else.

Like, there's nothing in my life. That's the thing that I'm like, and then here's the other thing. So, like, I keep thinking of you. Why do you decide to have a drink? Me? Like, when, at what point is it, what is the thing where you go, oh, I'll have a drink? When does that happen for you? For the regular person.

Yeah. When do you say, or when do you say, well, I'll, I'd like to smoke weed? I mean, I would say the drink thing is 100, 100% dictated by social setting. Really? almost, I would say, 99.9% of the time. So pay in a social setting? Like, you go to dinner? Yeah.

So I'm at dinner, and it's like ordering a steak, and I'll go, I'll have a glass of cab with that. Okay. Or like a social setting where I go to see people and they're at a bar and we're like hanging out and they go, we just order drinks. I go, well, I have a drink. Like, so the social setting kind of dictates. Do you ever dictate the drink? Do you ever go, you guys want to get drinks?

maybe like once in a while do you ever smoke weed by yourself no edibles to go to sleep still not very often i don't need edibles to sleep at all very often i sleep perfectly that's fantastic i do have days where i'm like oh i realize if i really gas myself out like especially like cardio wise. Yeah. If you throw a sauna in there, I sleep like I'm on morphine. Like, it's crazy how well I sleep when I have that level of a, like, real earned fatigue. I fucking sleep like a baby. But most days, I, yeah, I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can sleep well, but it's not like, oh my God, beautiful sleep. Not partying. I work out very intensely. Like, I find myself pushing it in the gym harder than I ever did drinking. Like I go, I think to myself, oh, so this is why you went,

this is why you got into the gym today is this moment right here. Yeah. And I, and I, I think that's really cool because it doesn't happen when you're drinking. When you're drinking, you just are like, just the fact that I'm here is something. Yeah. Like, I'm doing anything. That counts. Yeah. But when you're not drinking, it's like, why not just exhaust yourself? Because you, all you got to look forward is going to sleep. Yeah. But I can't find a reason to smoke pot. I can't find a reason to drink.

Like, I could see myself, I could see myself very easily once you go in six months and then go, I'll go seven because I don't have no reason to drink. Yeah. And then I think, you know, like a vacation with the girls, I'll have a reason. I'll be like, oh, this is beautiful, but if lands I'm drinking, what am I going, am I going to drink by myself? I also don't need it.

That's the fucked up part is you get, you forget how much you don't need it. Can I tell you, I'm heartbroken about Tiger Woods? What are you heartbroken? Because I fucking love that guy. He's awesome. The idea that he doesn't have control. Yeah. And I mean, look, any of us, have you seen the footage of him in the car?

Yeah, yeah. Any of us, it seems like he's got like, he's, it seems like he's, it's got all its hooks in him. Yeah, I mean, it's sad because he was like a, I think for our age to. He's like a hero that made the sport exciting again. And also was like this outlier of talent. It was kind of like growing up when you watch MJ play ball, you were like, this is Superman. But MJ, here's the thing I loved about MJ.

He would have six fucking Miller lights. Well, I didn't really learn. I mean, when I'm 12, I don't realize that, right? I learned about that. But I'm just saying like what you see him do, You're like, this guy's fucking unbelievable. And Tiger became that for golf. So he was like Superman.

He was like a Superman where you're like, holy shit, this guy's so fucking amazing. And we've all watched his, you know, his career and his life and all the twists and turns. And I do think it's just one of those things where you go, I really just want this guy to get the best help and be good. I don't. You don't want him to get the help. I don't want him. No, here's the thing. I don't want him to quit drinking.

That's good But I want him to get in control of it That's not going to work for him I know but like I want it's like You know a joke I keep making And no one gets a reference And I hope you get the fucking reference Because you're married to a fucking road rule star

Okay Tiger Woods is slowly turning into Ruthie From the real world why Pull up a picture of Ruthie Pull up a picture of Ruthie Have you remember Ruthie? I remember the name They look identical

Oh God Tiger Woods Shit, you're right. She was the one who in the pilot episode of Hawaii she got behind the wheel of a car and drove drunk and they were just following her

weaving around Hawaii and they're like, what are we supposed to do? Tiger Woods and Ruthie. Yeah. I wonder if Ruthie is the same mix as him. He's Thai and black. I met Ruthie in real life one time.

And? She was very quiet. How about that six? iron. I'd love to see you swing it. Ruthie looks good now. She looks great. But like some people have like a legit that's the one thing I've learned. But you don't

want him? But no, because I if I meet Tiger, I want to have beers with him. You know? Here you go. I'm giving this to you. But I am Ari Shafir. It's a fucking crazy night we're going to have here. Shit's about to go

down. Look. And we're here to talk, Paul. This is a love Media, herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS. I'm desperate. I'll stab you and your motherfucking yellow! One of the worst things that could happen. What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm like, I don't know any. I'm Catholic. Did you just shit your pants?

It's not my shit. If you're up there, lady, don't call me. I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that. I'll be a better person tomorrow. At least he's consistent. Finally, something we can agree on. I'll discuss it in hard. It's not the evening I plan, but I'm having a blast.

a blast now it feels excuse me gah martin luther king john f kennedy malcolm x and now dog piss has the stage all hell dog piss guess what violent horrendous to show where i do i guess what i do best which is complaining way too much about shit that's not that important i think all youtubeers should be jailed an army of drunken screaming santa clauses the devil stick guy was the doctor shut the fuck come along for this beautiful disgusting vile and horrendous journey. My new YMH show, subscribe, smash that like button. We're going to be doing this every other week.

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Go to shopify.com slash bears. That's Shopify.com slash bears cha-ching. And the same with MJ. Like MJ has always had it dialed in. Yeah, but they're not the same though. I could smoke a cigar right now. So bad. You want a cigar? Yeah. Kyle!

Kyle, I have two of the best cigars in the world in my backpack. Okay. Two of the best cigars in the world. Yeah. We need a lighter and can you cut it with your teeth? I can. Sure. Okay.

MJ, like, so this is my boredom in sobriety. It's not bad. It's not bad. Okay. But I just go and I watch documentaries. I just watch documentaries at night. And I thought I want to learn about stuff. Mm-hmm.

it's so cool when you know people that know, like, I don't know anything about coffee. I don't know anything about coffee. And the other day I was like, why wouldn't I want to learn about coffee? Yeah. And so I, and Kyle knows nothing about anything.

That's good. That's great. Like, he knows so little about everything. Yeah. That it's mind-blowing. As a matter of fact, sometimes I'll be with people. Yeah.

And I'll say something. And then Leanna, go, how much you want about Kyle? I didn't know what that is. Like, name something, and I guarantee you when Kyle comes in, he's like, I've never heard of that. He'd never heard of Jekyll and Hy.

He never heard the expression? Never. He didn't know what it was. And it's basically like that for everything. Yeah. And so I said to him, because he was making me iced coffees on the road. And about maybe 150 times I said, hey, you don't just make a cup of coffee and pour on ice.

It's done differently. Tell him to bring my backpack if he's confused. Tell him to bring my backpack. He is confused right now. He's going through my backpack. He's panicking. And he's like, I don't know. We don't have the box of cigar.

cars they're in a slim. Definitely bring the backpack. Bring the backpack. Tell Kyle to bring my backpack in and get a lighter. Okay. So what are the things

you think he's not aware of when you're like? Everything. Everything. I mean. Geography? I, he last, today he said,

Kyle. Kyle, what name the continents. Oh, he's actually, he's actually very, he's actually very civic, social, smart. Oh, there you go.

He watches the, news. He could tell you what's going on in Israel Palestine because he's ex-military. You're ex-military? What branch were you in? Okay. Don't get too deep into it. You start Were you stationed abroad? Okay. Do you know the continents?

West America, South America, Asia. Wait, are you guys talking about Israel and Palestine? Oh, my God. Did I hear anything about Israel and Palestine? Oh, my God. Keep it above board. Okay. I mean, just for the record. You know.

He named Four Countenance. Yeah. No, he just, like, we were talking about coffee, and I said, he didn't know what an espresso was. He thought an espresso was an Americano. I said, no, Americano is a shot of espresso. It's an American coffee. Espresso is probably the norm for coffee.

And so we had to, and then I was like, well, I don't know what the fuck of macchiato is. Machiaado is. Do you know what macchiato is? Yeah. Yeah, you have the espresso and it's like mostly like a... It's on top. Yeah, it's on top.

It's usually like, you can do it with foam. Or you can add a little bit of milk. Yeah. Okay. I mean, so far, I would say you're not painting him to be like somebody doesn't know anything. He didn't know how to use the word, et cetera. Well, how did he use it? I woke up, et cetera.

Okay. You know, et cetera. What do you guys want? Sir, what would you like for dinner? Just et cetera. Stop. No, it wasn't that bad. Okay.

I'm so excited for these cigars. So, like, MJ, so like, I didn't know anything about cigars. Dude, cigars, cigars shut down, Tom. Mm-hmm. They lost their popularity. In 1992, cigar fissionado came out, and it revitalized the cigar industry.

The magazine did? The magazine revitalized the cigar industry. Is that real? You guys got, like, MJ and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis all smoking cigars. and then all of a sudden the scar industry is huge. And you realize guys like Rocky Patel, they just started getting into cigars recently,

like within the last 20 years. They're not like families like Arturo Fuente is. Yeah. But like this is Don Pepin, I think makes all of my fathers in Tatwaue. I mean, the guy from Tatwate, I think he married it. I mean, I don't know. I'm still researching, but he's a fucking interesting dude. That's a brand new type of cigar.

That's great. These are really expensive. You know my neighbor, Mike. love I wish he was in so they did a profile on him on a cigar fish I would love to hang out with your neighbor now he's fantastic because he had a cigar he had a cigar room yeah like when you go into a cigar shop for people listening when you go into a cigar shop and then you open the walk in humidor he's got that yeah he's an interesting guy he doesn't drink no but he loves his cigars dude and they did a profile on him like a whole spread on him Mike good guy like Michael Jordan's on

doing an interview with cigar fissionado and they bring him like Cuban cigars from Cuba before the embargo like they've been aged. I think he's smoking two at a time drinking whiskey just like this. He loves fucking cigars, dude. But I love that. That's why I don't want Tiger to stop drinking because I do want

him to be able to get after it, you know? Yeah. What are you going to do? You're going to be sober at what? 50? He's got to be. It's only downhill if he doesn't Stop. Yeah, for him, yeah. He's just kind of get rid of pills.

Dude, pills are fucking bad because no one knows you do them. Tiger, if you're listening, don't listen to him. Tiger, I'm here for you. I got your back, buddy. Well, we're all here for you. And if you need a place to fucking dip out and you don't want to hear any rules and no one's want, you don't want to hear what anyone says to you. I'm your guy.

It's basically like textbook. I'm an enabler if you want one. I think Leanne might be an enabler. No shit. She's never told me to quit drinking. There's a couple times where I'm like, you shouldn't hold me. Really? I'm like, but she's always like, it's just about your health.

And then I go, I got, like, you don't realize how fat you are until you see fat pictures. Did you see the picture I posted today of my first pitch for the Reds game? Rish one? I put, I put, I did the first pitch, yes, like two days ago. Mm-mm. For the Reds. And, uh, I did not look as, fat as I did the other day. Well, I remember

the viral one. I just posted it on Instagram, pull it up. You did it. The viral one where your stomach looked like its own, had its own orbit and everything going on. It's a turtle. That was crazy. Yeah, that one was pretty nuts. Unblock? They blocked you? You guys blocked me? Did not know about this. Why would you guys block me? I have no idea.

Okay. Oh, bro. Holy shit. The guy go before and before. Thanks, that's funny. But look at August of 23, dude. Look how fucking. That's crazy. And how, um, had the pitch go?

Oh, it was great. Yeah? Yeah, I bought like three baseball gloves. And then we had a catch for like fucking an hour the day before. Yeah. So that I was dialed in. It's kind of crazy when you think, like when you watch, I was watching the Masters the other week.

And I was like, it's crazy that you can hit a golf ball from one place to another place in four shots and get it in a hole. Yeah. Like that's insane. It's insane.

And it's insane when you watch Aaron Judge. This, by the way? Yeah. I did this for a minor league game. I never played baseball. Like, I never played baseball. I've never, I can tell you, I've almost never had that level of anxiety.

It's terrifying, right? It's almost not worth it. Terror. And it was a packed game, but it was minor league. So it's not like broadcast on. Yeah. Man, the anxiety was, I was fucking scared.

I was so scared, dude. I was like, I can't fucking, thank God it went well. But I was. Wait, how did you go? My pitch went pretty good on this one, but not great. Also, you know what? Threw me off was like, I bought a ball too and I was practicing. And then when I got to the mound, you know, they told you, told you where to stand right in front.

and then the guy announces me and the guy catching who's like just being he's like he's like you know telling me when he hears my name he goes no fucking way and I go yeah he goes for real and I'm like I'm supposed to pitch right now like stop talking to me you know

so he threw me off and I was like he goes that's really you I go yeah he's like yelling it and I go yeah just let me do this he's like bro I'm a huge fan I go thanks let me fucking throw the and now I'm like taking myself out of it It freaked me out, dude. I was terrified.

My guy did not know who I was. Right? He was like, he goes, I'm sorry, man, I don't know who you are. I'm 29. And I went, well, it doesn't mean anything to me. Yeah. Dude, what age do you think you age out of Coachella? Of Coachella?

Because I'm watching Coachella's shit. I mean, it's gone. Like, what age do you think you go, that's not for me anymore? I've been in that era. whatever it is I'm in it it's definitely not for me I mean I wouldn't want to I have no interest in any of the people

I don't know who Karen or Maria whatever name is clearly Life comes at you fast It does literally a phone call And everything changes overnight It can be nerve-wracking and uneasy And catch you off guard Listen to me

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want to fucking go to that that would be a nightmare to me the whole it just seems like it seems like one big club where everyone's in line everyone's in line for the whole thing couldn't do it I find it fucking I find so much shit okay so you know Fidelberg right yeah he's on the bus and he starts reading texts and I have no frame of context and he's like wait have do you know who these are from I was like what this is the this is that influencer's sister wait but set this up first okay so so there's an influencer named Noah Beck Noah Beck well who is I don't know who that is I don't know too old tell us who Noah Beck is I'm sure he does makeup stuff makeup big tick tocker and he's also been in a bunch of these like kind of shows

was like sideline. I think he was in Baywatch reboot, but just big young influencer. Okay. Is that him with his shirt off? He's a huge fan of yours. Oh my God. Right there, he's like, they caught me the machine.

So his sister is a teacher. Okay. I think she's like 29 or something. Okay. And she's dating a cop. And she starts an affair with this kid. A kid. at the school who I think also

Where she's teaching? Where she's teaching. Okay. And I think these are from, these are released and he was reading these out loud. This is a child. Well, let's read. Texting with the teacher.

Let's read, you have to, you got to play the girl or the kid. Play the girl. I'll be the kid. You're Haley. Okay. But then, but then said, ooh. Freak.

If my shit was weak, then what's the point even? Cry me a river. This is crazy that a high school kid is saying cry me a river to an adult woman, right? When are you going to come home to visit then? Nah, no need for me to.

I'll just cry or suck your dick and you can shut the fuck up about it. Okay, then the next series of messages, Haley and this kid discuss Angela Berlaca. Okay. In a group with Berlaca for our meeting feels so wrong. wrong. Then I laugh it feels so wrong.

What was the pick you sent of me over Snap? Like, what did they say? I don't know. Hmm, I thought it saved it, but I guess I didn't. Never mind. Wait, you gotta get to the one. Get to the one. I know. Hold on. We're building. We're building. Okay. Those, okay. Those picks are funny. Funny. Why? Oh, let me guess. I was a beluga in the first few. Bro, my sophomore year, you were one billion percent overweight.

and now and now you look fire like oh let me guess I was a belug oh I liked that okay man ain't that right yeah but you still fuck me you still fuck with me then like as a person

negative you was a cool teacher is my only year good then is my one one this year good then and my current teacher or better at least you're telling me you wouldn't have tried me back then solely because of the teacher aspect no not at all because it would have been like uh she's not even a flex she's rough right right but i was cool and then i like that all right be nice and then uh you asked same way i think about miss b jesus if she was a little more fit i would have died in the

the pussy. Bro, she's also 50, though. But she's too damn big for me. Age is just a number, baby. She's starving for the young dick. Jesus Christ. I know. He's texting his teacher.

I mean, yeah, I guess, but even our situation is still not right. At least we're closer in age. I don't like being compared to Miss B. Nah, 100%. Tadmore normalized. Like, if I'm 25 and you're 33, who cares? But if I'm 25 and she's 55, Holy gilf.

Luckily, I haven't cracked her. So, yet. I haven't cracked her? Yeah. Right? This sounds way more normal. Like, older woman, go you? Sick.

Sick. I can't even think of, look at it with, what is it? Make it bigger. I can't even look at her without thinking of her literal vagina. Yeah, right, right. What's one two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, two. I don't know. And then Haley says,

I'm glad you still referred to me as your sugar mama. I thought my services were being retired. And then the kid says, yep, lifelong sidepiece. He's sex, like, lifelong, 12. I'm going to get sick sidepiece eventually. I'm going to get sick of sidepiece eventually. I need to upgrade a title, eight hours of meetings today. I'm actually going to kill myself.

Well, that's not my decision. What? You're the old lady here. If you seek a relationship to your age, I can't be anything other than your sidepiece. You're playing with fire. not me. God damn. How is this kid disadjusted? If the kids can't be white

right? I don't fucking know. There's too much game for a white kid. I knew too many white kids. They don't talk like this. This next exchange is insane when she says you think I'll still fuck with you? Fuck with you even when I'm in a relationship. 100% dick to fire.

I was going to ask if you still fuck with me if I was, we're in one. But literally, you did. But you literally did. Yeah, I mean, I haven't been locked in a relationship, but technically I am, so I guess you can say that. I don't really care. To be honest, I cheat. You are, like, again.

When I come home, I'm going to see her, for sure. She's like a sloth on the tree. She's not letting go. Your roomy, one in on the action two? What? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Wow, you really are just a bucket. Like, you would dead do this shit, I feel like. You're insane. A bucket? it, bro, he could very well be a minor and I would never do this for a stranger.

And then it's just one two, one two, one two. What is that? What is that? I think that might be like the code for like the emojis or something. Oh, I got you, I got you. Okay. Cool, sounds good to me.

Then she sends a screenshot of lyrics with the caption, forget Teenage Dream, this is my new song to you. The screenshot lyrics are the following. You can hit in the morning in the morning. yeah, like it's yours. I know it ain't right, but I don't care. Break up with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, because I'm bored. Break up with your girlfriend by Ariana Grande. And then the kid writes, Jesus Christ. T-he-he-he, oh, relax, live a little. And then in this next thread,

she thanks the guy, the kid, thanks Haley for everything she has done. Haley, you responded by questioning why he was thanking her, so it felt like a goodbye. She then mentions, beat them cheeks up and their last hurrah. Thank you for all the things you do and have done. Click the accept though. I'm at the counter 12. Why are you thanking me and making me feel it seems like we're done with me? Nah, I'm just not fitting to be as available because I'm gone. Send Apple Cash?

Yeah. No, I know this is, but I'm still available over text. You can call, you know. I'll see you this weekend or when you're available for our temporary last hurrah. Okay, and then he likes that comment. And he goes, yeah, but not regularly. Maybe. when I come home what's that I'm coming to beat I'm gonna when I when I come home I'm gonna beat

them cheeks up quote unquote that's what I that's where I got the impression L.O.L. Ha ha maybe that's funny. No you know I have some stuff to do and maybe people to see. Don't forget about your sugar mama and then it looks like this next thing is that during this time the kid was actively avoiding police the following is what her her boyfriend friends are caught i think they were coming to his house oh shit let me get this ashtray real oh yeah this kid is that's insane so i'm 18 years old and he's talking this guy's got kid's got wild game do we have a picture of him he's got to be a minor yeah that's why his name's redacted yeah oh so he's a minor he's 17 yeah he's a minor yeah he's a minor holy shit

i couldn't talk to girls my age like this yeah i still can't talk to my wife like this this kid needs to be an influencer he well you know you know you you hear about the manosphere this kid should be running the manosphere i can i cannot imagine in high school being like bitch you know i mean this dicks but you want like i can not imagine that this like a kid that can talk like this to a grown woman he texts her one one john was reading where he's like yo pick me up from the airport and devour my shit and she was like isn't your dad going to be there he's like we can do it in the car she was like i'd rather do it inside and he goes or in the car. Like telling her. This is what I got time for. I mean, that's crazy. It's really crazy.

But I think the kid might need some help on how he might need therapy. You think? Like he's not, no, not just for fucking an older woman, but like the way he talks to people. I mean, also, you're not like born like that. This kid has learned. This kid's fucked a lot of chicks. Yeah. A lot of chicks. Yeah. Wait, can you, he's talking to a 17 year old girl like this too. He's talking to it. Right. He's talking to a. girl like that and he's talking to a 29 year old like this yeah what the fuck yeah he's i couldn't talk to a 79 year old woman like that well that would be a fun thing like if i was like yo pick me up and i'm gonna beat up that pussy to to an old lady i mean well you gotta figure how is she she she's got

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Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babel subscription at babble.com forward slash bears. Get up to 60% off at babble.com. slash bears spelled b a b a b b b b l.com forward slash bears rules and restrictions may apply i mean you can look at her yeah that's the woman yeah this this is the woman that he was like now you was nasty back yeah and then she was seeking his approval it's twisted man that's really there's so much it goes into that yeah it's crazy that if that had been a guy and a girl Immediately like what a fucking piece of shit he is

Mm-hmm but as a girl you're like I kind of feel bad for her You do a little bit like clearly there's something all I mean there's something off I mean there's something off but she's an adult fucking with a minor Why but what I know but what is that there's something broken in a woman who chases a young boy There's something broken in them for sure clearly there's something broken in an older dude chasing a young woman But it's so much more acceptable yeah but not with minors but like there's a there's a line but no but like you i empathize a 55 year old guy and a 22 year old girl yeah you're like this guy is he's fucking lost i could but like i could never i could never

struggle with conversations yeah of course like i i have just like i was on the bus with katherine blanford who's like 30 something and i was talking about the honeymooners and she didn't know who the honeymooners were and i was like how do you not know the honeymooners. She was like, what is it? I was like... Like the original sitcom? Yeah, nothing. And so like that that that generationally, they just don't know like we only had a few options on TV. They all have TikTok and so everything's in their hand. They don't give a shit about anything in the past. I mean, but that also, that applies like what you're talking about. That also applies if you talk to someone

six years older than you, they'll reference TV shows that you're like, I don't know what that is. Yeah, but we kind of, we kind of knew what they were talking about. Like, I mean, I knew Abbott and Costello. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, people have a specific window of, like, what is their entertainment? And it's usually, it correlates directly, like, what age you are for this year. And if it's like, you know, I hear people reference shows that I'm like, I get that that's a show. I have no, I've never seen it. You know, it wasn't on when I I was a kid. The lady who played Coachella this year,

what's her name? Sabrina Carpenter. Yeah. Never heard one thing she's done in my entire life. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't, if she bumped into me,

I wouldn't know who she was. I mean, that makes sense. That makes sense. I mean, I don't know, like, I know Justin Bieber, he's a thing. Yeah, he's been around for like, you know, decades.

We kind of grew up with him too. Yeah. I mean, he's, I know Ed, Ed Sheeran. Yeah. But like I couldn't tell you. I saw him in concert. You saw it, Jirin in concert?

Yeah. I kind of like Adjiran. I like him a lot. I was on the road and they were like, he's got a concert tonight you want to go? I go, yeah. For real? Yeah.

And it was like, he was, I mean, impressive. He's the guy that started the, the, like, play a couple chords and then hit it, right? I mean, I don't know if he started it, but he fucking, my God, yeah, he puts together songs in front of you, like with the looper and like yeah it's incredible dude i've been running to drum and bass lately you've been running to drum and

bass yeah what do you mean just going for a jog and then putting in boom jimdrum dum boom boom that's all you're listening to yeah and it just you just get onto a great like i think it's like 140 beats per minute do you ever forget you can make a new playlist like sometimes i'll go to like run or to the gym and i'll be like putting on i'm like man i'm fucking sick of this yeah i only have these playlists Have you ever listened to build a new one? Have you ever listened to Girl Talk? What, the podcast? No, Girl Talk.

No. I don't know. No, Girl Talk is like a DJ out of Pittsburgh. Oh. And he is. He does. Tom, you would love Girl Talk. It is a podcast, by the way.

No, it isn't. What do you mean? It just, that was the second result. First result. Oh, yeah, I guess it is. There's too many fucking podcasts. No fucking shit. There's too many pot.

And by the way, there's too many good ones. It's like at least suck. Like I saw two Scottish people the other day and I was like there's no way this is gonna be good. It was. It was fucking credible. Yeah. They were doing, all right, top 10 crisps. I didn't even know anything.

So you listen to him as you run? Dude, girl talk all day is. I'm in. The fuck all day and feed the animals. Tom, it's hip hop to rock beats. They're out of here. It's so fucking good. I think I might start going to EDM concerts with like a pass fire in my mouth.

Are you going to roll? Will you do? Will you do Molly? Yeah. I'm so healthy right now. I can do anything. Oh. Try something else.

I could do Coke. Do PCP. I heard a bad story about that. I've never heard one. Really? No, I have. Did you see Andy Dick? Andy Dick was talking and he's like,

they gave me a glass pipe. I thought it was marijuana. Turns out it was fentanyl. Nobody, Jesus. I know. And I was like. Somebody, nobody has better what do drugs do to people's stories than Dr. Drew.

And I've asked him, like, every time I see him, I'll just ask him drug questions. I'll never forget that he said, he said, one, obviously there's lots of differences to drugs, but he goes, one of the observations you make about people on Coke versus people on PCP, he goes, people on Coke run from men in uniform, like from the police, right? Coke people go, see cops, and they go, I'm going this way.

And he goes, people on PCP go towards them. like they're like what's the fuck up i'll take all you guys he's like he's like people on coke you'll see a cop walking down the hallway of like a hotel and they'll jump out the window and people on pc will be like i'm gonna fucking take your gun they said like over and over again how do we not give that to our fucking soldiers in war pcp yeah yeah i don't know man just low grade pcp yeah like what's craziest to me is like you and by the tiger right what tiger yeah fucking tiger on PCP can you imagine how great e golf oh my god it's got to be the secret to it all but but what's crazy to me is like because i you know i get all i get are

sobriety stories in my feed now because that's all anyone does how many people are crazy addicted to crate them a lot you've done crate them yeah so we used to promote cratim on the podcast i mean here's the thing i met somebody who told me about their significant other needing it, like needs it daily. And then I did kind of clock how you feel. I was like, oh, there's like a thing where I don't know if it attaches itself to your opioid receptors, but there is kind of like some euphoric adjacent feeling. I'm not an expert. I'm just telling you about the feeling. What I think, it was strange. What I think is interesting is sober people. I don't want to get into the weeds on who these people are.

But like Orthodox Jewish people who don't really drink or do drugs, they go to these Kratom slash Kava Kava bars and get Kratom or Kava drinks. And they're like, no, they're awesome. And they're like, you're sober, you should try one of these. I'm sober, I don't drink, but these Kratom

drinks are amazing. Does it attach to your opioid receptors, Kratom? Will you look that up? Because there is like a feeling that's kind of, it's semi- muted but you can't ignore it I think when you yes cratom does interact with opioid receptors the main active compounds in cratum bind to opioid receptors in the brain they are the same receptors targeted by drugs like

morphine and oxy at a higher dose it acts more like an opioid at lower doses it has a stimulant like effects you have I've had low doses but you've you you used to have a sponsor that would tell us to take cratim you worked out. Yeah. And I remember you were taking it before you worked out. You're like, no, it's great. Yeah, I was like, man, I'm ready to fucking let's get after it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean... Do you think it's going to be like that with everything? Like, like, because everyone does ketamine now. Yeah. Everyone's got a ketamine pen. I haven't done that. You haven't done ketamine? How have you not done ketamine? I haven't. It seems like it's right up

your alley. Really? How so? It's a disassociate. You love being disassociated. What the fuck's that supposed to? Like, you just like to not connect. don't you feel like that's who you are? And I never understood that where you go, I could go home. And then I stopped drinking. And I went, no, that makes sense. Yeah.

Why am I going to go here? I don't want to, what am I going to talk to people? Yeah. I'll just go home. I mean, I only did this because you're right. Yeah. So wait, it helps you disconnect?

It's a disassociate. So like, whatever the fuck you think is happening that may be giving you drama, it just makes it go away. Oh, interesting. What does ketamine do? It's an absolute.

out-of-body sensation, dream-like out-of-body sensation. Distort your perception of time and space. Euphoria, calmness, visual and auditory distortions. At a higher doses, you may enter a K-hole, intense dissociation, feeling detached from reality. I'm only laughing because I remember this post on Instagram of somebody who, I guess they're on vacation and they return to their room. could probably do a search and find this. And they find a hotel worker on their bed. Oh, I saw it.

I saw that. And they're like, this poor guy found my bag. He must have thought it was Coke or something. And he's on the bed and he's like, he's fucking. And then they show him getting like helped up and his face is like twisted. And they're like, he found my back. This is the guy. That's it. Yeah. He found

a bag. He thought it was cocaine and he took a hit. Yeah. And that's how they found him in their room. Oh, my God. And he's wearing, come back some breakfast to find the cleaner found a bag of k, thought it was snow, found him in a khole in the room. That is nuts, bro. That's a big thing with, do you ever see the video? Look at his twisted ass face here, dude. Like, this is how he's supposed to go back to work right now. That's the guy at work who obviously came to help him get right. I mean, oh my God. Holy shit. He doesn't know

what's going on. That's in Tulum. That was hilarious. There's that you ever see the video of the of the British kids out in the park. Oh, it's almost like serial killer creepy. They're like, silly pikey, hey, wanted a head of Coke, so we gave him a head of Coke. Little did he now, it's catamine. And you just see this, this like Irish traveler on the ground going, and they're like, ah, that's what you get, buddy.

It's almost creepy that you would do that to someone. See if you can see Irish traveler K-hole. I guarantee you you got to be able to find it. But it's like that's like... What are the risks and dangers? Let's look at those.

You pass out in a hot tub. Well, yeah. That's like the Khoel, the ketamine queen just got taken out. Traffic water, yeah. Can slow breathing. If you mix it with something. While not identical

to opioids, it can be addictive. Anything else? Below that. bladder, kidney damage, painful urination. That's how Matthew Perry died. Yeah, panic, paranoia. Unknown purity, yeah. Let me tell you something.

If I found out ketamine was healthy, like it wasn't like... You did it? You've done it? No, I never done it. But if it could help me flying, I'd do it. Really? Dude, I just want to fucking be cool. Why don't you go get a KD? A ketamine treatment, like where it's like under the guy, like someone's guidance and about that?

Hold on. What? What a great lead into a story. Oh, okay. So I'm doing a photo shoot for a Flamingo magazine. What? Flamingo magazine. It's a Florida-based magazine.

My friend is the editor-in-chief, and she was like, yo, you know, and everything, Florida, I support anything, Florida. I'm fucking Florida, Florida, Florida, Florida. Yeah. So they come to the house, and they're like, we're going to do four setups. And I was like, great. Beautiful. I would love to have her tell her story better. beautiful photographer gorgeous she goes to take a picture and she goes like can't really bend down can

you guys get me an apple box and i was like what and she was like ever since my fall i said when did you fall she goes well interesting story i was dealing with some depression so i went in for a ketamine treatment and uh i ended up jumping off a 10 story building that's not a fall she said she's taking ketamine she says by the way these are all allegedly because it's her story I'm sure there's a lawsuit happening and I'm not saying names she's like I went to go to the bathroom and in the process of going to the bathroom I went to the top of the building and I jumped off the building her mom was in the lobby waiting for her some woman walked in crying and was like oh my god I just watched a woman jump off the building and her mom's like well that's interesting

what was she wearing describes it she was like that's what my daughter was wearing then that's a crazy question to ask what that jumper what were they wearing and that that is kind of a weird question but both of her shins went out of her knees out of her legs they both shin both shins she has scars on both shins she has a huge jaded do a tracheotomy on her she landed in a planter she her head came out of the back of her head i think she broke she she woke up tom like like four weeks later in a hospital bed from just from doing ketamine was like what happened and they're like you jumped off the building crazy thing when you're like well was I in a car accident and they're like no you tried to fucking kill yourself and she was like but she was like I didn't I she was like I was like I was high on ketamine

and so I was like holy shit and then by the way I just said like why can't you bend over she was like crazy story now everyone is just sitting there at this photo shoot just listening she's like yeah so my shins went out of my legs my arm went out of my arm and she's like luckily she's gorgeous you mentioned it she goes luckily i didn't land on my face yeah she's not a not one scratch on her face she looks perfect and i was like holy shit and then of course i then proceed to and then my next question is when was the first time you had sex after jumping off that building that was your question And she was like, another great question. And everyone just goes, huh?

She was like, okay. So, turns out Delta 9, if you have bipolar, makes you manic. And so I was on a manic episode and I eat one Delta 9 thing for a flight. And next year, 10 days later, I'm eating. And it's like, I mean, unpacked. I love when people overshare. And she overshared what? She has about sex with some guy who,

wakes up every morning and curses God. He was in a fucking, I mean, it was like, as she would tell, every story she said was like better and better. And then I was like, you're like, we haven't taken a photo yet. I was like, Leanne, we didn't. We hadn't taken a photo. And I was like, Leanne, please get her on your podcast.

She was like, I wrote a book. And I was like, ah, amazing. Amazing. What do we want to say? Oh, Doug Stanhope, have you seen his city council thing? No, and I know everything, Doug Stanhope. Pull it up. What do you mean?

Doug Stanhope did what? It's cool. He went to... Wait. Oh, that's not him. Because I guess the town he lives in the comedy club closed? Comedy Club closed? Like, that's the catalyst for him going to this city council meeting.

Danhope showed up to a city hall meeting in Brisbane, Arizona, with a new plan for the comedians in town following the closure of their only comedy club in March, after the owner of Chuckleheads killed both himself. and his wife's father, not in that order. As you probably heard in the scuttle butt at work, my estranged best friend of 35 years, the owner of chuckleheads, did this crazy murder-suicide thing. Try to kill his ex-wife, killed her father on her birthday, chuckleheads, oh, I'm sorry, affordable housing is not as funny as this.

But what it did, it left a gaping hole in the common In the comedy community, I know this is an artist community, but comedy is kind of like the stepchild, excuse the R word, they're a special needs stepchild of the arts, there's a gaping hole left, the same gaping hole that was in Matt Becker's head when he took his own life. Wait, that was a back pecker?

And I tell every up and coming comic, hey, get as much as much. stage time as you can wherever you can get it. That's how you exceed in comedy. And then I realized, oh shoot, you get three minutes timed. Every first and third Tuesday, we're turning this into an open mic until you change the rules. There is a comedy show called Kill Tony. It's the biggest comedy thing, they sell out Madison Square Garden where a comic can just get his name pulled out of a hat. He has one minute. And they travel from Los Angeles to Austin to do this Kill Tony Show. I implore every comedian on your way from Los Angeles to Austin to stop by

every first and third Tuesday. Don't worry, Mr. Budge. They call you a lame duck, but I've never I've seen you smile more at 28 seconds. I've talked to the next mayor at the farmer's market, and she's all aboard with this. Yes, comics on your way from L.A. to Austin, Texas. Come by and do Kill Bisbee. Counsel. If you can make them laugh, God love you. Thank you.

Let's have some fun with the council. That was fantastic. He's My favorite Doug Stanhope And I'm sure I've shared this But it deserves to be shared again My favorite Doug Stanhope story Is when he got in trouble in I think in Des Moines

And the lady wrote in A complaint to Doug Going sir, you are atrocious Everything you mentioned tonight Was one of the worst things I've ever heard abortion Making fun of special needs people I will be reporting you to your agent

To your manager To the better business Business Bureau and I will make sure that you never work again and he wrote back I could not agree more He goes when I got the script for that evening show I was appalled But to do my job right I had to read exactly what the club had written for me to say That's so fun and the woman wrote back I knew it couldn't have been you Dude Stanhope is a one of one I mean that was brilliant To spin that into that that was brilliant would do we will we ever get another Stanhope no

Definitely not It's broken. You had to have wanted to do comedy. That's like wanting to be a whaler before it was popular. You know? Yeah. Like you had to, it's like everyone became chefs because of fucking cooking network. Yeah, he's like the Bukowski of, of standup, you know?

Yeah. Like there's nobody else like that. He's such a fascinating fucking guy and I knew Matt Becker. You did? Yeah. Did you play that place? Did you go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure I did because I used to go there all the time. I used to go down. And I think it was just, I think, yeah, I'm sure I did. I used to go down there and take time off and just hang out. Remember the time his girlfriend ran away with me. What? Yeah. I woke up one morning and I was supposed to go to the airport and bingo was like,

Hey, you ready? And I was like, are you driving me? She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on. Let's get, don't make any noise. Let's go. I was like, where are we going? She goes, get in the car, get in the car. So I grabbed my bags and get in the car.

Let me start driving. And the car's packed with all this shit. I was like, where are you going? She goes, I'm running away. Don't tell anyone. I was like, what? She was like, yeah, I'm running away. And she was going through this like mental health crisis.

And we drove to the airport and she gave me a hug. She's like, please don't tell anyone that I'm running away. And I was like, okay. And she drove away and I called Doug. And I was like, hey, I think bingo just ran away. He was like, what? I was like, yeah, she took the car. And then they had to find her.

I think they found her in, like, Louisiana. She just started driving. Like days later. But days later, they all got in a fucking another car. He has like 20 cars. He buys cars with, you know, 100,000 miles on him and then just drives them until they, and then leaves them there. Just leaves them.

It leaves them. And they had to go find bingo. But it was like a crazy fucking moment. I, you know, I haven't talked to Doug in, I haven't talked to Doug. I haven't talked to Doug in a while. And I, I texted him the other day because he made a really cool video of him drinking vodka out of a grapefruit. And it looked with grenadine.

looks so good. I was like, yo, I'm going to send you a case of porosos. He was like, great. There was a period

where I talked to Doug often, and I miss that. I miss that, I think, and it's my fault. I just don't, I don't reach out to people. I kind of just stay

in my own little fucking world. Yeah. But Doug Stanhope is just, he really is, he's like, you know, he reminds me of, Brendan Walsh.

Yes. You're never, I'm not shitting on the comics now, but the comic, Now it's about getting famous and getting views and getting clicks. Yeah. And I'm not saying that I'm not one of them. I'm not saying I'm not one of them.

I'm just saying there is a part of me that got into this business when there wasn't money involved. That's 100% true. And that is the heroes of this job. Yes. Are the ones like, like, you know, and I'm certain he's not a huge fan of mine. But like, even like Tim Heideker. Yeah.

Tim He would do this without money and being. involved. You know? Like, he is just an interesting brain. And Doug and Brendan, and there's so many people that they got into this before there was money involved. Well, Walsh would do, that's the thing, is Walsh would do things that were like, I always love this, where you're like, you learn about one of his, whatever you want to call it, his setups, prank. It's not the right word for it, but like, you know, he would do like a, like a circuit city was closing in L.A. And in like, I think it was like in silver, like near Silver Lake. So he just put like a massive Whole Foods coming soon so that people would be like,

oh, that's fucking awesome. Like they were excited. Yeah, coming soon, Whole Foods, Silver Lake. And that was just, that was just to get people excited that he wouldn't, he would, you wouldn't see the pay. You would just know that the community would say like, I can't, I'm so excited. We would like this or not like that.

Like whatever response is, like plus or minus, you don't get to benefit. There's no footage of it. He just knows that he's misinforming a community. The joke for him was to be at the coffee shop and hear someone go, you know, there's a Whole Foods coming. Yeah. And then he would, that was his joy.

And he'd be like, fuck yeah. That'd be, I can't wait. Or like, or the opposite. When he did the Silver Lake Gun Club, what was that? So Silver Lake, for people that don't know, is a very hipster, very liberal section of a liberal city, of Los Angeles, right? The east side. And very much not a pro-gun area. No, no.

And so there was a bar that was closing. I think it was MJ's. and he put a sign there that said Silver Lake Gun Club coming soon, like that kind of thing. But then he started a website and he did it like HTML where you just see like two bald eagles flying and a flag. Yeah.

And then he put a phone number that would go to him so people would call and be like, I do not support. He goes, this is fucking America. You know, you just like tell them, like, I can do what I want. And let them vent and yell and they'd leave voicemails

about how disappointed they are, about having a gun club in Silver Lake. Shit like that where you're like, this is not for public really consumption. It's just for his own entertainment. You know, it's for his own amusement. It's just to be funny for the sake of being funny. It's very funny thing to do.

Even I'm not not shitting on myself, but even in moments where I was doing things just to be funny, I always thought, how do I monetize that? Or how do I show an audience? Yeah, how do I show this to more people? Like, what will the maid think? I started that as a genuine thing. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do a coffee.

Yeah, you'd have to find out about his. Like, they just do it. And it's so interesting because... You know what he did during COVID? What? During COVID, he would... Everyone started zooming. Everyone's Zoom's exploded.

And so he would get on like these business... I forgot how he would, like, what the pretext was for the Zoom, but it would be... people in like some business, like some discussion for him. And then he would hire somebody like off of like Craigslist. He'd be like, will you join this? I'll give you like 40 bucks. And then at some point, just stand up naked with your dick.

And so I saw a recording of it. People are all having this. And he would, he was really good at like being like, yeah, yeah, this is like something I really care about, you know? Like he would sell them that he should be in this, and they're all listening to him. And then some guy just stands up and his dick is on camera. And everyone's like, what's happening here?

It's fucking insane. And then people are like, what kind of meeting are we in? Oh, it's so fucking funny, man. Yeah. When Doug had the unbookables. Yeah. That was like him, Sean Rouse. I saw the first time I ever saw Brendan Walsh do stand up.

I was at the laugh factory. I walked in and I knew who he was. And they're like, Brendan Walsh's on stage. I was like, wow. And I was standing with a group of people and he gets on stage and he goes, holy shit.

Gene Hackman died. Oh, yeah, and everyone's like, whoa. And he was like, can you fucking believe it? He's died today. And I watched a group of girls go,

oh my God, oh my God. And they left. He was, I'm just kidding. Yeah. He was like, yeah,

he didn't think you were a Gene Hackman fan until now. Maybe you should pay more attention to his work. He goes, you know, his brain just works in a silly way. Like he goes, you know, you can buy yourself a birthday cake any day of the week. Yeah, you're like, that's a great. Yeah, it's a great. He is, those guys played, there's like, there's comics who play, I see this online. I feel like I'm, I feel like, you know, when we get back to this thing of how much longer

are you going to do stand up? Like, in a certain point, nothing surprises you anymore. No one's really shocking you. And no one's bringing, like when you're young and you watch it, you're like, like, Sean Rouse was fucking brilliant. I mean, brilliant. And it's a bummer that, like, guys like him just kind of disappear. That's what I say life is fleeting and it's a cash ground.

Or they pass away. Yeah. Yeah. And they didn't. So, like, some comics play to the back of the room. They try to play to the back of the room. And that's a weakness where you're like, we get what you're doing. Guys like that, they played to themselves.

Yeah. They only played in Stanhope. He has the most brilliant bit about calling packing India for fucking the phone, you know, like the telemarketing stuff. It is the most brilliant bit. I would never do it justice. I don't know what special it's on. I think it's on YouTube.

He is just one of those guys. The first time I ever saw him do stand up, I was blown away. I was blown away about what he did. And then he started making fun of me. in the back of the room, because I had gotten a show that he had wanted, and he started making fun of me. And I was like, I was with Gary Valentine, I think he's making fun of me.

And he goes, he absolutely is. And I go, do you think he knows I'm in here? And he was like 100%. And he just started picking apart my career and what my career was going to look like if I didn't start focusing on, or whatever. And it was just like, yeah. I feel like I feel like I need a sabbatical.

I feel like I need a day job to hang out with other fucking just degenerate. Like work at a fucking Home Depot and just come up with funny shit to do. This job's pretty good. Why am I going to go to? I was going to say, you definitely can. You could go there. All right.

Look, we're so excited to see you Saturday, May 9th at the Rose Bowl. Just come fucking hang out with us. Walk it if you don't want to run it. Just walk it. Everybody, a lot of people walk it. Yeah, it's going to be a blast. I think I will be smoking weed definitely by then. And I'm going to try to get Snoop to come out.

Because I'd love my first joint to be with Snoop. That's it, man. I'm really glad I flew here. I didn't want to fly here. Thank you for coming in. No, hey, can I tell you this is what friendship is? Yeah. I want to say this.

I want to say this. And this is when you know you're a friend of someone. Like, you're my friend, and I know you're my friend. And I know Ari's my friend. And I know that I do things for a friend. I was saying to Zolo. Just casually, business-wise, they're like, you know, I was like, well, I want to come in and do some two bearers.

And Zolo was like, well, you know, you came in last time, Tom, she should come out next time. And I said, very casually, I went, no, this is going to sound sad when I say it. I go, no, I don't really have anything waiting for me at home. Like, it's just Leanne, where all the dogs are dead, the cats are all dead. The girls are in college. I go, he's got two kids. And if you said to me, yo, Bert, when you had young kids, I'll come to you so you don't have to leave your kids. And I love your kids.

I go, that's what a friend would do. So this morning, I woke up and I was like, God damn it, I wish I wasn't his friend. I don't want to fly in. I'm so glad I came. Yeah. These are two, we did, I love doing this show. And I love that as a friend, I can silently,

although I did tell you I did it, silently give you the gift of getting to be with your family and getting work done. Thank you. And I fly right now, I'm getting on a plane to go to Tampa. I was here for four hours. And just so you know, I really appreciate it. And today, because I'm here,

I'll go take Ellis to the Jiu-Jitsu. So that'll be fun. Well, I want you to know that I will be white knuckling a flight to Tampa on South West. It's not that bad. They're at first class now. Yeah, it's not that bad.

I got the whole row. Do it, man. I don't want anyone sitting next to me. Smart. I'm a fucking door prize. You walk on Southwest, and you're like, oh, are we drinking today? And you're like, motherfucker.

July 12th, I am, though. July 12th, I am. Guys, hit me up. Tell me where I should fucking party. July 12th. I love you, buddy. All right. I love you, too, man.

Bye guys.