2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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Starting point is 00:00:41 You will still get your shirt, your sweatbands, your medal. Go to 2bears5k.com right now and get on the field with us. Come join us, come run or do it at home. Just do it. My grandfather used to always have a pen in his, if he ever wore a suit, which was only to like funerals and things, he was born in 1902. Was he really? Yeah, he had a pen in his outer jacket, and he said, that was the style at the time.

Starting point is 00:01:13 And my grandmother was like, that wasn't the style. She's like, you did that so people knew that you knew how to read. So they would wear like, just have the pen, like a reading brag. That's why I carry these around. So it looked like you're fancy.'s a reader huh mm-hmm yeah yeah what's the last book you read the I can't I literally can't do it and I

Starting point is 00:01:34 always thought I was sort of a smarty pants I haven't read a book I can't I honestly can't think of it uh wait nope wait nope There was a, we were on our honeymoon. There was a woman, we went to a really nice place for our honeymoon, and there was a woman reading a book, and I've never seen Leanne spit fluid out of her nose before, and the woman said to Leanne, hey, I think Bert would like this book. Leanne said, spits a drink out of her nose

Starting point is 00:02:08 and goes, are there pictures in it? I can't remember it last time I read a book. It just doesn't, it doesn't come up. Do you think books are gonna be gone one day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, soon, very soon. Yeah, very, very soon. How do you, how can I? I mean, I wonder if I would, you know, like,

Starting point is 00:02:21 maybe I should at least get into like 50 Shades of Grey or something that maybe is gonna, you know, fill that, scratch that itch of like, people getting boners and stuff, but haven't tried it yet. I'm always impressed when neo-Nazis read Mein Kampf and I go, wow, you read it? That's crazy.

Starting point is 00:02:39 You read the whole thing. We read, okay. First of all, no, there won't be books pretty soon. We were at, me and Ken Mar all, no there won't be books pretty soon. We were at me and Ken Marino, we went on a bike trip in Italy. That'll give the shortest version of the story. There's probably more to it, but I'm gonna give it real short. And we're at this swimming pool, there's sort of nice masseria hotel out in the, you know, and the lifeguard at the pool is reading Mein Kampf. We see, and he's like a young guy in a Speedo, just so it's like you can kinda see his dick

Starting point is 00:03:11 and he's also reading Mein Kampf and everything. The whole thing feels weird. Yeah. You know? And I'm the kind of guy who's always just like, hey, let's not mess with the guy who's boners out and he's reading Mein Kampf. Let's just let it, you know what?

Starting point is 00:03:21 Let's let him be, you know? But Ken Marino, as much as I love, I love confrontations. I love it. I hate them. I'm almost, me and your neighbor's almost at a thing. We'll get into that in a minute. That's why people say racist things to me and I just go, cool.

Starting point is 00:03:33 You don't like confrontations? I hate confrontations. I love them. Are you serious? I love it. Are you serious? It makes my wife crazy. Oh, Leigh Ann likes confrontation.

Starting point is 00:03:41 I love it. I love it. I think also people don't expect it from me. Anyway, Ken Marino went right up to the guy and was like, hey, what's going on with my cap over here? What's going on? He was like, I'm a for history. I'm a mecha for history.

Starting point is 00:03:54 I'm a mecha for history. I'm a mecha for history. He's like, no, you're also, but you just got super Nazi vibes too. Hey, cheers by the way. Cheers, cheers. It's nice to be back at your beautiful mansion. I walked into the neighbor's mansion by accident.

Starting point is 00:04:06 That was, this is beautiful. That's really nice. Almost became part of an accessory to whatever they're doing over there. The only thing you can call what you become when you hang out over there is you're an accessory now. Oh, it's all the same color car, all the same type of car. So many white vehicles.

Starting point is 00:04:23 White. White. Hey wait, can you buy Mon Compe on Amazon? I wanna see how many five star reviews it's got. color car all the same type of car so many white white white white hey wait can you buy Mon comp on Amazon I want to see how many course you can I start reviews from my struggle let's see mine comp comp mine my struggle for those of you who don't speak as much casual German as I do I feel like I speak great German until I'm in Germany and then people look at me like what the fuck is wrong with you? 4.4 reviews, 2,000. Jesus, don't put my book up.

Starting point is 00:04:55 Shut up, Adolf Hitler. It's got 4.4 reviews? Damn it, that's really good. That's as good as mine. What? 4.4 stars. That's as good or better than my actual screenwriting book your book in my screenwriting book mine comp has better reviews than your absolutely it certainly

Starting point is 00:05:11 has more really unable to beat the US and NATO Balot but oh my god these reviews are fucking awesome I feel like don't you shouldn't you go right on a watch list when you're doing a great review of Amazon shouldn't you be right on a watch list? Just like ding! Good read. Literally your doorbell, your ring doorbell should just go like boop boop. We've, Amazon's, received your very, your glowing review of Mein Kampf and we just want to see what you're up to. Dogbreath101, first let me say I brought this as a gift. Who the fuck do you give Mein Kampf to? I had hesitant feelings about

Starting point is 00:05:44 ordering the book. I don't think I ever hesitated to purchase a book but for me this was it. I'm not sure what the book's content are but the author helped create pure evil on humanity. Okay. He's just doing it based on what he has. So he's awful the same as the like the weird,

Starting point is 00:06:00 there's a lot of weird guys and speedos who are like I just need to know the history. The history. The history. Oh this one go, but he gives it four stars There's a lot of weird guys and speedos are like I just need to know the history Oh This one go, but he gives it four stars because the delivery was ASAP You know whenever I want my whenever I want someone's comp Whenever I want Dinah comp or someone else's comp this is crazy Just read Reddit warmth.

Starting point is 00:06:25 But look up, you can get, look up reviews of anything. Look up, you know, passages from the Bible. There's Bible quotes, you know, that'll be like, judge not lest you be judged has one star. Hey, did you watch the women go to space? I've thought of little else. I'm so glad. I have so many thoughts.

Starting point is 00:06:43 Oh, did I, yes, yes I did. Can I polarize everything right now? You loved it. I loved it. I cried. I cried and my dad was watching it. I wanna hear so much more about how that made you cry. Okay, okay, I'll tell you why.

Starting point is 00:06:57 Okay, this is for real. Now listen, there's a comic, I'm a contrarian. I love that you're going against literally every thought thinking person in the world right now on this. That's why I don't talk about politics, because all of my opinions are very true to who I am and how I feel, and they're always very sensitive and they're always very raw.

Starting point is 00:07:15 And so this is what did it for me. I wouldn't be here if I thought you were as scary as you seem. I'm gonna take another sub-prime before I overshare. Well let's go, because this could be, oh Jesus. By the way, hang on, I watched it on replay Sunday morning, right? So I already knew the ending.

Starting point is 00:07:36 Why? Why? So I'm on the treadmill and I was like, and my dad's in my gym, my dad's at my desk, I'm on the treadmill and I turn it on and you see the Kardashians and Oprah and everyone's sitting in the waiting room and like the viewing area. And all the, let's be honest,

Starting point is 00:07:53 the dudes who are piloting the thing from, have you seen a picture of all the guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We keep that real quiet. So, and I just thought, I thought, okay, maybe I'll write a bit about this. Maybe let me watch it. And so I start watching it and they start to take off and I go, that's just thought, I thought, okay, maybe I'll write a bit about this. Maybe let me watch it. And so I start watching it, and they start to take off,

Starting point is 00:08:08 and I go, that's pretty cool, man. Rockets are pretty fucking badass. And then this is what got me. The flower. The tiny daisy. No, no, no, no, I only saw the exterior shot. I never saw interior. I never saw any interior.

Starting point is 00:08:20 I only watched exterior. So it was the speed and the height is what got me. And then I started going like, they're going like 1200 miles per hour. And they're at three, what? 1700 miles per hour and they're at like, 330,000 feet in the air. And I just started going like,

Starting point is 00:08:44 holy shit, what a crazy experience. And life wasn't guaranteed. And I was thinking about the fragility of life, and then all these things. I got emotional, and my dad's watching, he goes, this is fucking stupid. Did you cry at this? I cried.

Starting point is 00:08:58 I love that you cried at this. I cried yesterday, by the way. Why? I cry all the time. I cry a lot. You know, for a guy, I love confrontations. Like I do love confrontations, we'll get into that later.

Starting point is 00:09:09 But I think it's good, you gotta cry. But if you're not crying every once in a while, you could get scary, you know? Yeah. Although when I start crying, it can be a little bit scary. Really? I'm Irish, you know, the Irish,

Starting point is 00:09:21 we're just dramatic, we're melodramatic about everything. Do you think they had, what kind of underwear you think goes under the spacesuit? These spacesuits, these specific spacesuits. Oh, I guarantee you it was branded. For sure, it's Kardashians. It's gotta be Skims and Spanxs. Skims and Spanxs, Skims and Spanxs, yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:41 Gotta be. Yeah. By the way. Gotta be. Immediately bring Playboy back, do a fucking photo shoot of all them naked. Yeah. I'd buy it. Yeah, yeah. I'm only looking at two.

Starting point is 00:09:52 Yeah, no, I'm aware. You just said all of them, and I'm like, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda win. Yeah, yeah. It's kinda crazy though, like, it's kinda like. Playboy used to be, but Playboy used to be better than everything we have now.

Starting point is 00:10:08 It used to be, it would just be like zipped with a little like, you know, like we used to, everybody didn't just used to like, just like point their butthole at you, this first second you see every day. Yeah, there's too much. We used to have a little bit of class and it used to be a little bit of like,

Starting point is 00:10:25 it wasn't all just, we're gonna open with buttholes. Do you remember how sexy? You didn't see buttholes, I'm gonna be honest, at all. You never saw buttholes? I went my entire life, for a long time, without being confronted. I'm gonna go ahead and say, buttholes became confrontational. At some point in the last 15 ish years we got real

Starting point is 00:10:46 confrontational about like something I'm not really sure when that happened the sexiest was old timey stuff old timey tan lines no one has tan lines anymore old timey tan lines were so sexy right and everybody's just like oh my you caught me over here by the tree I'm just like doing it it's not oh wait, I'm gonna see if this jug of punch fits in my butthole. Which is what I think we've gotten to. We've devolved into butt stuff.

Starting point is 00:11:17 You got into a place where you gotta look for something on porn that is so bizarre, you're like, what is that? You almost wanna, you wanna go search like upbeat or cinematic or friendly, friendly, like not torture dongs and you know, everybody, like when did we get? Cock torture is, shows up on my, I don't know what I clicked on one time.

Starting point is 00:11:37 You got cock torture? Dude, I, every time I get like, cause I'm a point of view guy, it's POV POV cock torture, POV POV milking table. And I'm like, ugh. I was like, I wish I could reset my fucking history. I'm sure you can. You probably can, can't you?

Starting point is 00:11:52 No. I can't do it. No, can you believe that there's parts of this country they want you to put in your driver's license and sign up for an account on Pornhub? That'll happen. People are gonna get right on that. Yeah, there's a milking table.

Starting point is 00:12:05 Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's exactly what you think. It's exactly, yeah. By the way, just heads up, if you ever get a massage and they do have that hole in the center, do not get a massage. I've never gotten a massage like that. It's literally never come up.

Starting point is 00:12:17 I've never been asked even about that, yeah. I'm always shocked. Can I always tell you? I think I can trust that we're the same type of guy. I think so. I think we're both that we're the same type of guy. I think so. I think we're both very, probably highly sensitive, highly creative, highly like.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Big criers. Big criers, yeah. I'm always almost offended, somewhat blown away, at guys who ask for hand jobs and massages. It makes me very sad. It breaks my heart that you think the world is that transactional that you can just go, hey, what about a little, huh?

Starting point is 00:12:53 And I was on a, I was at- I do, I mean, I do that at the dentist, but that's different. She's Russian, it's cool. It's completely different. I actually at the dentist, I was like, the last time I was there, I was like, it's cool. It's completely different. I actually at the dentist, I was like, the last time I was there, I was like, it's so crazy. I don't let a lot of people put their fingers in my mouth.

Starting point is 00:13:10 Oh yeah, it's weird. But they just randomly, people just put their fingers, ah, ah, ah, let me just get in there. Yeah, I'm always blown away at guys who can do that. I think it's just crazy. Well, I feel like the odds of somebody being like, no, what an amazing bummer that would be Well, yeah, what lack of backbone do you have you're like, okay

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Starting point is 00:16:40 Lightstrike hard refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol. So I've been going to the gym before I go to the office. And while it's great for feeling good, it's good for your health, it's not so great for smelling good. And every time I go to the store to pick up some, you know, men's body care products, it's always boring. It's always the same options and they're no good. So I went ahead and tried Cremo. Cremo's deodorant delivers 48

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Starting point is 00:17:56 you cannot unring. Hey how about playing with this boner? No thank you. Well now where are we? We cannot unring this. I just said I can't imagine what a week back where you'd have to jerk him off. It's me. I'd be the person, if someone was like, hey, do we get a hands-up with this? I'd be like, all right. I don't want you to like me.

Starting point is 00:18:14 Yeah, of course. I want to need, I need everyone to like me. So wait, what was your take on the astronauts? Because I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party about it. What, is everybody saying it's a waste of money? Everyone's livid. Okay, yeah, it's a waste.

Starting point is 00:18:29 The internet's hot take is that you're not astronauts. By the way, they weren't giving that money to the library anyway. It was not going to the library. It was not going to the library. It was not going to books, which as we know is not a thing. So it wasn't, yeah, I thought Gail King made a good point

Starting point is 00:18:47 where she was like, yeah, it wasn't either or. Like they definitely didn't cancel an opera for this. You know? But, okay, here's my only take on it. Okay. If everybody did it and didn't say a fucking thing about it, much cooler Yeah, instead of coming back and kind of shaming us. Yeah kind of making us be the dicks like well you guys were all we left

Starting point is 00:19:13 We thought you'd be cool. We came back 11 minutes later, and you're still dicks. Yeah, like that was a weird take Yeah, the take that we that we ruined it was weird I thought we ruined it. Yeah, but take it. It's our fault that we didn't like it Yeah, it take that it's our fault that we didn't like it. Yeah, it is a little bit our fault that we didn't like it. Well, you know what? Fuck you guys. I was like, oh, that was bold. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:34 Yeah. Do you know what it was? This is what I don't think sometimes the internet can tell you what they find gross about it easily and derivatively because they know what other people are saying. And so they'd give a hot take because they feel like that's what the internet's giving.

Starting point is 00:19:46 But I'll tell you what they couldn't articulate properly. It was that these women, when they walked out of the space shuttle, space astronaut machine. The Blue Origin capsule. Which was unscorched. They each gave. It has a screen door basically yeah that was a pretty light hey hey now

Starting point is 00:20:08 the doors made of like straight-up paper mache and it basically does this okay it looked like an RV door uh-huh every listless little thing but I'm not I'm not a conspiracy guy the The door was weird. The, each woman, and it started with Katy Perry, gave their, I have a dream, large, one man step for man kind of moment.

Starting point is 00:20:39 Like they each were like, they were like, ready to be immortalized. Right, and a closer connection to love. To love and gratitude. What would that feel like? Other than just taking MDMA? Did they just take MDMA? Because MDMA is fucking great.

Starting point is 00:20:56 By the way, acid would be? Asphon can be scary on occasion. But if you can give me acid in 11 minutes. And then it goes away in 11 minutes. Ah! Do you know how often I take that? Chef kiss. Yes, chef kiss.

Starting point is 00:21:07 11 minutes and I'm, yeah. I'm assuming you didn't watch all of the interviews in their entirety. You got all the footage of everybody in the things now. So the best is, and I'm paraphrasing a tad bit, Amanda Wynn was, is one. She's a real astronaut. No, no.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Oh, no. She's an advocate, a lawyer. Oh. Yeah. So she's a women's. No. No. Oh, no. No, she's a advocate a lawyer. Oh, yeah So she's a women's rights advocate. Oh great. She was Um, I just read the story. She was sexually assayed. Yeah, you say it's I've heard that too. It's not it's terrible at Harvard Oh, she chose not to press charges right away and then realized within six months that so she's an advocate for women's rights right but the interviewer said do you feel like this has healed your trauma like do you and and you watch this Amanda Wingo like you think i'm like cool with my now like what what not what and it was so bizarre yeah like no one was prepared there's Amanda yeah there she is but no one was prepared for like

Starting point is 00:22:01 was prepared, there's Amanda. Yeah, there she is. But no one was prepared for like, I just, you know what got me emotional was like, I bet the world does look peaceful when you look at it from up there and it's not. It is. No, it's a real bummer to come back. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:16 It's like if you come back, it's like the guy's two doors down where something, literally something's up on earth. Yeah. Like there's some stuff that's up down here, guys. It's crazy, like this, I got emotional watching this thing land that I go, that I'm seeing something like this happen in my lifetime, that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:22:30 This would be terrifying. Yeah that is a lot, you know it reminded me mostly I was like, you know you could also do the big shot in Las Vegas on the Stratosphere, have you done it? Oh yeah. This is the best ride in the world. Yeah, it gives a shit out of you. It's one of the best rides in the fucking world.

Starting point is 00:22:43 In the world. Yeah, we're not a sponsor of the show I don't think. Get on the fucking big shot of the Stratosphere, it's gives a shit out of you. It's one of the best rides in the world in the world Yeah, not we're not a sponsor of the show. I don't think get on the fucking big shot of the stratosphere. It's insane It is insane. Yeah, you you see planes I I height yeah, I hide. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I think it would probably be neater than this It also is technically faster and less expensive There's a lot of rides. I've done a lot of rides. There's Fox Canyon. Type in Fox Canyon, New Zealand. They have a free fall ride, like a rope swing, which I'd argue is probably just as cool.

Starting point is 00:23:13 Oh, I know what those are. It literally drops you and you just fall and then swing. Are you with two people arms next to you or just by yourself? No, you're by yourself. By yourself. And then they just drop you. But at first you feel like you're dying for a second. For four seconds.

Starting point is 00:23:24 It's actually, I'll be honest, scarier than skydiving which I've done because skydiving you don't get a sense you step out of an airplane And you're kind of going But you don't feel like oh the grounds racing at me. You just feel like you're in you know Yeah, but on those you get a sense that the ground is racing at you Which is a very different feeling and they do not doing that. And they do it backwards, where they hold you. I'm not doing that. I'll tell you right now, this is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had in my entire life.

Starting point is 00:23:52 Fox Canyon, they had you on a chair, it was called the Chair of Death, and they leaned the chair back, and so like, you know when you fall on a chair, but you fall. Mm. That thing. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:24:03 Yeah. Well that's very scary. This is intense This is intense and by the way, probably justice. I would love would you go to space if they said alright? Here's the deal. We're gonna none the deal. No Why claustrophobia? I'm a severe claustrophobic like bad bad I guess when I was a little kid, so when I was a little kid, I had a security blanket that I took. Believe it or not, for a guy who cries a lot and loves to start fights, I don't know what's

Starting point is 00:24:29 wrong with me exactly. I talked to my psychiatrist on the way over. He's like, best of luck. I have a very good psychiatrist. Shout out to my psychiatrist, who's amazing. I had my little security blanket and a backpack that I went with everywhere in the world, and we were in Iowa, and we went into these caves that these people had, like a farm there,

Starting point is 00:24:49 and I got stuck for a while. Remember like Winnie the Pooh getting like stuck in the tree kinda? Hold on. Yeah. Like stuck in a cave? I got stuck in between, in the entrance of a cave, because I had my security blanket in the backpack.

Starting point is 00:25:02 So I'm like stuck, and then I start to panic, and I panic and I panic and I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out, and I can still feel that feeling basically every day of my life now. Yeah. Can you watch spelunking videos? Oh Jesus, the scariest, have you seen the movie?

Starting point is 00:25:16 20, 127 Hours? Well that one, that someone cut off his arm? Yeah. The one with the girls where they go below, I got it so, it's really intense. Um They go below and there's like weird monster men down underground five girls in a cave. It is unbelievably amazing spelunking five girls in a cave movie five girls one cave Spelunky movie the descent the descent even never seen the descent. No

Starting point is 00:25:43 Fuck it's great. For real? It scares me at a level, The Descent scares me at a level that no movie can scare me at because it taps into a fear of mine so deep rooted that I can't get out of it. So, Descent, don't like it.

Starting point is 00:26:00 I've done a ton of spelunking. Ooh, and I like it. I hate it, I hate it. We were in a cave in New Zealand where, I'm claustrophobic as well. So what were you doing in there? For TV. And I was-

Starting point is 00:26:14 Oh, you were doing, cause somebody was filming it. Yeah. That's same with me. If you film shit, I'll do it. Yeah. Like jerking a guy off in the thing, or like chair, like whatever. Be like, oh, we're filming it?

Starting point is 00:26:24 Yeah. We're filming it, we're filming it. Oh yeah, I can do that. I can do that. That's different, that's funny. Yeah. Yeah, so, jerking this guy off in a cave here? Hilarious, let's go. I was unaware of how tight it would be.

Starting point is 00:26:36 And so they bring us into a huge cave, and we zip line down, and everything's fucking wide open. And by the way, I'm seeing like Asian people in inner tubes to the right. So I'm like, okay. It can't be that bad. They go to the right, I go to the left, the guy goes, all right, let's get into the birthing canal.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Nah. It was a crawl space where the water was here and you had to crawl out. And as soon as you got to the other side, it was a different world where everything was tight, everything was shimmy, and then this is the worst part. They said, it's loud, there's a waterfall, it's loud as shit, and they're like,

Starting point is 00:27:15 all right, hold your breath, and then climb up the waterfall. Do not, you'll get to the top, he'll grab you, let him grab you. And so we go behind the waterfall, right? Take a breath. Yeah turn around and as soon as you turn around the waterfalls Not hitting your head you climb up the waterfall the guy grabs you you don't realize what happens He puts you in a cave where you're sitting crisscross applesauce Hunched over and the waters to hear now the tops to hear and you're just going this isn't what I signed up for

Starting point is 00:27:45 We went to the salt mines in Germany in the mountains of outside of Salzburg. This is not me and Ken Marino, it was me. Every trip I just want to picture. There are a lot of trips of me and Ken Marino. Hey, can we pass the wine over here? Keep going. So we went to the salt mines.

Starting point is 00:28:00 Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I can do this. We had like a van driver. I don't like to drive in Europe ever. We had like a van driver, I don't like to drive in Europe ever, it's just not a thing I do. So we had a van driver and I asked Ubert, the van driver, I was like, how, he's like, so this little train, you get on a little train and you duck down

Starting point is 00:28:18 and it goes into the mountain. And I was like, okay, and I'm trying to do the math and I'm like, I can probably do that, right? And I said, Uber, how long is the, it's not long, right? The little- He was driving you and his name was Uber? Yes, his name was Uber.

Starting point is 00:28:32 Uber. Uber. And I said, how long is the drive into the salt mines on the little train? He's like, oh, it's not very long at all. It's not long at all. It's maybe 10 minutes. I was like ten fucking minutes

Starting point is 00:28:46 I'm gonna be hunched down in a little ball on a child-sized train Going into the salt mines which it turns out is where they hit all the art in World War two Really because they knew it was bomb proof. The salt mines are so old That they knew like when Hitler stole everybody's art, which is a big part of the plot, you know? And he was like, let's put the art, there you go, that's it, there you go. Yeah, they're showing you where, okay, don't go to the website, it shows you a nice big room.

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Starting point is 00:30:12 that's when you get off your diet. That's when I get off my diet, is when I go there and I have a bunch of options. If I don't think and I just know, I got a factor protein plus meal in there, keto friendly, I can cram it, dude, they're awesome. Which one did I have the other day? Do you know what I had? I did the other day, a little cheat meal. It was, uh, it was,

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Starting point is 00:32:18 Once you put on an outfit, that means you're going to be touching stuff. It's fucked up. Yeah. It means you're going to be touching stuff. With a number, it means maybe they need to find your corpse. It's like, why does this have a number? Don't worry about the number, it's no problem. I'm just putting you on a little train with a number. Okay, well this has never gone well before.

Starting point is 00:32:34 In Germany? Never. Literally this doesn't go well, but here I am, and I just paid 80 euros. That's the little train that I was weeping on. That's it, little train, me weeping on a little train, just curled up in a little ball. There's a cave in Austin.

Starting point is 00:32:49 Will you type in cave in Austin? I wish I had stolen all the things we did, this is it. And so they said we're gonna go spelunking in this cave, and I was like, cool. I mean, this is a tourist cave. There's a fucking stairwells. Actually, no, there's a gift shop. It's a gift shop, handicap accessible.

Starting point is 00:33:11 It's huge, it's wild. And then they take me to a manhole cover. And they're like, this is how you get in. No, it's not. Never. I don't know, I wouldn't know how to say. There's no, we're never doing this. And you get in. No, it's not never There's no we're never doing this never do that manhole entrance no never never and I've a weird big I think

Starting point is 00:33:37 the the The social medias have figured out that I'm afraid of dying in a cave underwater So like every fourth story that comes into my feed is like, they made the biggest mistake. They didn't know. What they didn't know is they thought it was air. It was different kinds of water. And these motherfuckers took off their masks a mile below the surface of that fucking thing. This rappel into this cave, they lower you on a wench. I think that might be it right there They lower you into a wench and they tell you so I was I'm a bigger guy so they said for you you're gonna have to have one arm down one arm up to fit in and They get they go. Listen, this is really important halfway through you're gonna see a huge room

Starting point is 00:34:20 It's it's gonna look it's gonna be filled with stalactites. It'll look like Superman's lair Now if you're panicking you're gonna think maybe I'll stop here don't because if you stop there we can't get you out cannot get you out so he says so what you need to do really all the way down is you have to keep going and then they're gonna have you at the top it's gonna open up you'll be at 90 feet you're gonna be at the top of the cave and we'll lower you down the rest of the way it was right now there was a little part of the screen where you could see my heart rate right now. It was, you know what I thought of the whole time?

Starting point is 00:34:50 I swear to God, now this is, we're of the same age, you're gonna remember this. I said, a guy went in upside down to save baby Jessica. Remember baby Jessica? No, of course I remember baby Jessica. When we were young, kids used to fall down wells all the time. All the time. Did we, did we had more wells? Our porno light-hearted. Yes, we had light-hearted kids lit themselves on fire

Starting point is 00:35:09 So I'm sure no one no one ever lights themselves on fire anymore No, we had light-hearted porno a kid in a well that we could be rooting for yeah all the time These days if one of these kids fell in a well be like fuck. You know what that kid was probably an asshole Why wasn't he on his cell phone then you look at the you'd look at the kids like socials, but now that kids an asshole. Why wasn't he on his cell phone? Then you'd look at the kids like socials, and you'd be like, nah, that kid's an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that well, you know what?

Starting point is 00:35:30 Round one to the well. Dude, claustrophobia videos, claustrophobia out of all the phobias. So I got a fear of flying. What's your other phobias, flying? Oh, horrible, horrible. I got to fly to New York tonight. What scares you about it?

Starting point is 00:35:40 Just that you die right away and you don't have anything to control it. That's the best part about it. The best part about it is that you die right away and you don't have anything to control it. That's the best part about it. The best part about it is that you die right away. The thing about the cave, you will be alive in the cave for a week and no one will know. No one will know.

Starting point is 00:35:55 No one's looking for you. So do you want your death? Instantaneous. Really? I'm walking next door, two doors over, right? One more time I walk down the driveway with like the eight white Range Rovers. They say come back, one more time. I walked down the driveway with like the eight white Range Rovers They said come back one more time. Hey bro

Starting point is 00:36:09 bro Hey, bro What you need? I just walked out of the property like this Okay, bro, okay Hmm no death instantaneity. Absolutely really. Yeah the best you want to linger No, death instantaneously, absolutely. Yeah, the best. You wanna linger in some sort of death?

Starting point is 00:36:26 Like airplane death is gonna be fast. I actually thought in the past year, what, we're doing the safety video? Like, what's the safety video? Like, honestly, why? Yeah, we gotta do it, right? We should just do a moment of silence. Just do, literally, just do something.

Starting point is 00:36:43 Hey guys, right now I should be the safety video. Let's just take a moment of silence, because if it happens just do something. Hey guys, right now I should be the state of the video. Let's just take a moment of silence, because if it happens. There's literally no chance. Yeah, there's no chance. Feel like nothing will, yeah. And if it does, look, it's gonna be chaos. You're not gonna remember what I tell you right now anyway.

Starting point is 00:36:55 No. I'm gonna be shit in the bag. Yeah, in fact, we recently landed one of these upside down in Toronto, and y'all just fucking filmed it. Like, nobody did shit, other than film it and make it into a funny goof. So you know what, fuck it. There's the video.

Starting point is 00:37:09 I don't want my death to be the all female astronauts where America celebrates the failure. Like that would be the worst. Who died where everyone just laughed? The last time that happened? I think it's been a minute. Where everybody was like literally laughed. Good, like it's so.

Starting point is 00:37:31 I can't remember his name, I'm just, let's not dig too deep into it. I feel like I know his name a little bit, but there was a very, very busy Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that my friend was the receptionist for, and he drove off a cliff in Malibu while filming a post. He drove his like very fancy, that was it, goodbye. He is gone.

Starting point is 00:37:55 But he was literally being like, come on in for double lips and kisses. We're doing the buns as high as you want. Gone, dead. Dog, and the dog lived. No. It was the best story. Are you serious? Yeah dog and the dog lived no is the best story are you serious yeah if you don't have faith in anything the plastic surgeon who is shooting it a funny instagram video in his very high-end car that went off the cliff dog lived uh the

Starting point is 00:38:18 guy who created the uh segue cliff that's. Fucking Cliff. Oh, that is genuine. That is like, I mean. I mean, it's horrible. Well, what are the funniest deaths? Like you've done it in some really funny way. Like Segway is, I mean, chef kiss. That's impossible. And you create the Segway and you run it off a cliff. The guy who invented the guillotine,

Starting point is 00:38:38 I think was like the third guy who got guillotined. No. I believe. Very early. I believe, maybe that's apocryphal, but I think the guy who got guillotined the guy who invented the guillotine very shortly after Be careful what you invent is what I'm saying. I think we're good. But did he he guillotine himself? Oh, we did not No, he lived to 75 not fucking this planet saw 75 and 1800s. Oh, that's like a thousand right now

Starting point is 00:39:03 That's like a thousand. Yeah, it's very, very, very old right now. I always think about like Rob's Pierre, where he guillotined so many people, and then he got guillotined, because I go, you know there had to be a time where he was like, this'll never, I mean, this never would have happened to me. No, I'm fine, I'm killing it.

Starting point is 00:39:22 I'm killing it. I'm the guy who guillotines people. How are they gonna fucking flip it around to me? Yeah. Guillotine, you know you live for a moment. You know for sure that you do. It's been proven. You have to.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Like the head is still screaming. If the blade is warm, especially, you're gonna live for a second. Would you rather be hung, shot, guillotined, or beaten by a crowd?? Or beaten by a crowd Oh Being my crowd is the scariest one to me by far Yeah, and that happens a lot even just sort of trampled. I don't want to be you know oh my god Yeah, I like hold I've been in those situations where it's claustrophobic and the crowds moving you know no no no no no

Starting point is 00:40:00 You're touching the ground. Nope. Nope. No no no no no nope nope no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't wanna, oh, it was the scariest place I've ever been in my entire life. My son got caught into the crowd, I couldn't get, there's also no cell phone service, and then it started hailing, cause it's Chicago and it's fucking crazy, and I couldn't find my son and I was very upset, and I ended up going, I was a bit of a Karen. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a Karen in this situation. I just went up to the front of the stage.

Starting point is 00:40:42 It's good to be recognizable sometimes. I mean, it really is. There's people assume, especially the way that sometimes I present myself, which is authoritative. I'm like, hey, I need to find my son right now. And they're like, oh, hi, oh, hi, Mr. Dangle. What's going on, Dangle? Do you wanna come on the stage?

Starting point is 00:40:57 I'm like, yes. Yes, I'm like, yes. And then some other kid looks and they're like, is he supposed to be on the stage? And I'm like, yes, I am. I've lost my he supposed to be on the stage. I'm like yes I am I've lost my son. I've lost my son by the way everyone lost her son But I have a mustache and can just get myself in the place to go get him back Yeah, so I did I did get him back that's there, but I don't I don't like the idea

Starting point is 00:41:16 I I don't like your crap. I don't like crowds at all. I'm not good at it Tom Tom mocks me for using my face sometimes to get things. Why? He's jealous. I've done it so many times and Pete's seen me do it. What's the best thing you've gotten with your face? Oh, this is gonna sound so horrible, so horrible. I can't wait. A hospital bed.

Starting point is 00:41:37 That's horrible, wow. Yeah, I learned it was, I learned that getting recognized was. Was the bed for you? No, it was for Tom. I said to Tom. Oh, but Tom wasn't famous enough. No, no, he was. Tom's pretty famous in our world.

Starting point is 00:41:51 Tom's pretty famous, but for whatever reason. He's visually famous. Famous by name and his comedy, and then visually famous, or two very different things? I'm more visually famous than he is. You're visually famous. Yeah, and so he broke his arm, broke his leg. It was during the height of COVIDat the height of kovat

Starting point is 00:42:06 Oh, yeah, the hospitals packed. No one's getting a bed and Tom is his arm is not attached the bone is broken dangling His knee is not attached what and he's in so much pain and he spent the night out of the hospital What are you guys doing playing basketball? And so? We um, I said Tom goes they said it's gonna be a few hours. And what the fuck? Okay, this is a very weird world that we live in. I just told you that story.

Starting point is 00:42:31 And somewhere, someone had took a picture of me there. Looking for your son at summer's match. This is the saddest and most upset I've ever been and I didn't know, of course that's documented. I was literally weeping and screaming. And I was like, that this guy is cool. While I was looking for my son. I stood up on this little box People came up they said Is this are you doing like a meet-and-greet?

Starting point is 00:42:54 It's like no I've lost my son oh So we can't get a picture and I'm like, of course you can get a picture I love being famous more than I'm worried about my only air is getting shmooshed up against That's great Central Sea. Oh Central Sea was the best at that show Central Sea big big ups My daughters don't like that. I'm famous and we went to a football game But my daughter told us absolutely until it's fucking awesome And I pulled up in the car and I said I'm gonna park gonna park back here. And George goes, you're gonna need passes.

Starting point is 00:43:26 I said, I should be fine. Usually I'm fine. She goes, what do you mean? I said, watch. And I pulled up and I was like, what's up buddy? And he's like, oh shit, the machine. Go, can you just go ahead? Get out of your machine.

Starting point is 00:43:34 I was like, thank you. And George is like, fuck out of here. Wait, where are you gonna park? I go, it doesn't matter. I was like, come on, leave it running. Yeah, we've done it. Fucking famous. Yeah, but with the one I did with Tom,

Starting point is 00:43:41 we were in the hospital and they go, it's gonna be about three and a half hours. Genuinely sad. And Tom, his face drops. Are you in Los Angeles? Yeah, we're in San Francisco. You were in the hospital and they go, it's gonna be about three and a half hours. Genuinely sad. And Tom, his face drops. Are you in Los Angeles? Yeah, we're in. You can't go to the hospital here, it's tough. Oh yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:50 I went with a broken arm one time. During the height of COVID, the highest COVID ever was. Everyone in the waiting room has COVID. Everyone does. And they've been shot. It's chaos. It's a perfect storm.

Starting point is 00:44:04 Hey, did that COVID suck? Well guess what, good news, you also have a bullet lodged in your. That's him in the hospital. And so I said to Tom. Tom's a good, I really like Tom a lot. Yeah. He, the guy goes, it's gonna take about three,

Starting point is 00:44:17 three and a half hours. That's pretty fast for a seat. Find a seat. And I said, really? And the guy goes, it's chaos. The lady's saying it's chaos. Yeah. And I look at Tom, I go, I can fix fix this I look in the back and I look for a nurse

Starting point is 00:44:27 It looks like he'd like me right and I drop my mask like this guy lights up and he goes And he sees Tom I go play man Does he do the international symbol for are you here with Tom saguro who broke an arm and a leg? No, no, no one knew that what happened. So I go Tom drop your mask Tom drops his mask He goes, oh shit comes over and he goes hey, hey, I gotta run for you guys right now. Boom. And we're like, all right. And Tom goes, you just fucking showed him your face?

Starting point is 00:44:49 And I was like, yeah. And so we got him into a bed, and he was like, yeah, there's beds back here, but it's just too chaotic out there. Have you ever seen that study that they did that there are certain chimpanzees would rather look at a picture of a chimpanzee that they know that has high status than eat food?

Starting point is 00:45:05 You're that chimp. at a picture of a chimpanzee that they know that has high status, then eat food. You're that chimp. In this scenario, you are the chimp that people want, that the chimps will look at a photo of instead of get a treat, because you are the treat to that weirdo, and I hope you gave him a beautiful, beautiful hand job on the milking table. Oh, I did. No, no, no, for sure.

Starting point is 00:45:23 No, no, you get a hospital room, for sure. Milking table, which goes straight down. These, all the nurses came back. Oh, I did. No, no, no, for sure. No, no, you get a hospital room, for sure. Milking table, which goes straight down. All the nurses came back to hang out with us. They were like, this has been chaos. This is, oh, what happened? And they all sat in our room. It was kind of like we did a meet and greet for the hospital. Yeah, of course, you were doing meet and greets, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:37 And they're like, yeah, this is fucking nightmare, man. I mean, this is fucking crazy. I've never seen anything like this. And then they're like, what happened to you, Tom COVID? And he goes, I was playing basketball. Both? Have you never seen it? No, but he's a fragile little crazy, I've never seen anything like this. And then they're like, what happened to you, Tom COVID? And he goes, I was playing basketball. Both? Have you never seen it? No, but he's a fragile little man, I guess,

Starting point is 00:45:49 cause he's a big guy and he seems strong. Do you wanna show him? Do I wanna see Tom Segura's arm and leg break at the same time? That's pretty crazy. That's like the character from the Mr. Class, they call me Mr. Class from Unbreakable kind of thing. Here.

Starting point is 00:46:02 I don't think I wanna, I don't know if I wanna see this by the way. It's pretty bad. Here's Tom, Tom, great beard. Nope, shit think I want to, I don't know if I want to see this by the way. It's pretty bad. It's a great beard. Nope, shit, no. Oh, fuck. Oh my God. Oh fuck.

Starting point is 00:46:10 Oh fuck. Sorry. Oh fuck. Oh. Oh my God. You can feel it. It's, it's broke right there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:22 Yeah, you know, he broke it arm right here in half. No, not here. In here, right here. In. Yeah, you know he broke it arm right here in half. No not here in here right here in the humerus Jesus Christ ironically that is it was not as funny as a humorous break would be oh my god. Oh You can feel he's screaming he's screaming oh Jesus Christ now Just I'm gonna wound it for him Sorry we just need oh I Love the people that go you they're like they're like Bert. You should never move that arm. I was like, yeah, okay You can be in that situation

Starting point is 00:46:57 Like be in that situation where your friend's arms bent backwards keep it bent backwards and just go we'll leave it there for the next 30 minutes It's like with the broken bone, you gotta set it back. Like the only time, I've broken this one a couple of times, and you have to push it back into place. That's all the orthopedics are like, orthopedics are mostly the picture. I've had a lot of doctors tell me I did the right thing and then a couple, you know, a couple, because Tom's had nerve damage and they go, well, did Bert cause it?

Starting point is 00:47:18 I go, no, no, I think it was his falling and breaking his arm in half that might have caused it. I mean, I love the guy, but that's one of the lamest things I've seen a person do honestly ever. Yeah. It's spectacularly terrible. It was crazy to be a part of. He's also going real slow.

Starting point is 00:47:34 Is that in slow motion or is that he moves that slow? He was so fat then. He's already out. He's already down. His center of gravity went up. No, no, no. This knee exploded. Oh, the?

Starting point is 00:47:47 The knee exploded. Oh. The whole knee exploded. And then he tries to catch himself with the arm and the arm snaps and breaks in half. Yeah. It's crazy. That fall changed his life entirely. If anyone's looking for a pivot moment in Tom Skir's life, it's this moment.

Starting point is 00:48:05 Watch out. Ow! Has anybody said, I know he broke his old body and it looks like he almost died, but has anybody mentioned that he doesn't, he should have dribbled at least one time cause he's also traveling. He's a hundred percent, like I just, I don't want to be a dick. Look, yes, you broke your whole body.

Starting point is 00:48:20 And you traveled. It's crazy because of this, he got into, because Leanne that night, we go back to his house and Push is a comfort trauma person. Like if bad stuff happened, Push wants to make you feel comfortable. She's not gonna be like, like Leanne's brutal, but his wife, Christina, is like comfort.

Starting point is 00:48:39 She made Tom biscuits with Nutella. And she goes, his will make you feel better. And Leanne saw, he couldn't use his arm, he couldn't use his leg, and he's eating Nutella out of the jar. She's like, you're about to get fat as fuck. I think Tom's girl heard that, and was like, I will not get fat as fuck. And his weight loss journey, that's when he started that day. And ever since then, every day I saw him,

Starting point is 00:48:58 he always looked better. That's good, because it looks like at that point a bird could have killed Tom. Yeah. And I'm not talking about a raptor or a scary bird, I'm talking about any bird, I'm talking saw him, he always looked better. That's good, because it looks like at that point in his life, a bird could have killed Tom. Yeah. And I'm not talking about a raptor or a scary bird. I'm talking about any regular bird.

Starting point is 00:49:11 If a bird got in a venue, Tom's dead. Oh, he is, I mean, he was. That Tom. That Tom traveled with hot sauce in his pocket. That's my favorite thing. He always had hot sauce on him. He always had hot sauce on him. He does got hot sauce?

Starting point is 00:49:23 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a different Tom. He'd eat like a fucking lunatic. I like eating like a lunatic. Oh God, this whole thing is, and then you made some money off it, good. You got him there and he's crying, he's on it, yeah. What is it?

Starting point is 00:49:40 You know, right after I met you, the first time I met you, first time we met was Pink Palace. We had an idea, we were talking about last time, which I like, which is that we open a retirement home that just is the Pink Palace, Corfu. Yeah. That's where Leanne got, Leanne's been talking about retirement homes nonstop.

Starting point is 00:49:53 But we, so we do one where you get, every day you get there, and they give you a little bit of Molly. And like there's a pool that's kind of gross. Yeah. And just like, oomph, oomphf, mmf, mmf, mmf, mmf. And then you live as long as you're gonna live. Like how long would we live at the Pink Palace? 10 days. You know, it's not like there's those Swiss machines

Starting point is 00:50:19 where you go and you get in and it executes you. You've seen these little pods you get in Switzerland? No. You have not seen the Swiss pods where you can get in and go away? No, it exists. Are you serious? It's a totally real thing. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:50:30 Or somebody could put you in it, I guess, but yeah. Swiss pod, Swiss suicide pod. Wait, how do you die? They look pretty sharp. It looks like a Blue Origin. It looks a lot, it looks exactly like the Blue Origin. I mean, if you have the outfit on, that's it. The Swiss Suicide Pod, which by the way,

Starting point is 00:50:47 best band name really ever. Swiss Suicide Pod. Swiss Suicide Pod. Wait, how does it kill you? Swiss Suicide Capsule. It just fucking nags you to death. It just says shitty. It just doesn't open.

Starting point is 00:50:59 It's just frustrating. Until you are like, look, I wanted to kill myself. God, it looks sharp, doesn't it? I mean, we're putting some money, we throwing some money at this? I don't think the exterior design needs to be as high-end. It's fucking sharp. Yeah, it's good looking.

Starting point is 00:51:12 It looks great. Yeah, which is a little bit of a bummer because every time you, the second time you use it, there's been a dead person in it. So there's automatically been a dead person in it. If it works. If it's a good one, it smells like death. Jesus, it's, I mean, it's dumb, but it's one of the greatest.

Starting point is 00:51:27 It's flooded with nitrogen, reducing the oxygen levels rapidly. Mm-hmm, it's like doing whippets. It whippets you to death. They die in 10 minutes. 10 minutes? I could die faster. This does sound a lot like Blue Origins.

Starting point is 00:51:38 And it also sounds like whippets. And you could die from whippets probably fairly fast. Why wouldn't they fill it with whippets? They do. Oh, is that nitrogen? Yeah, well nitrous. No, nitrogen and nitrous oxide are two different things. Are they?

Starting point is 00:51:52 I don't know. Again, I'm not a doctor. Well, I definitely would look into it before I got into the suicide pod. Wait, this isn't as fun as I thought it was gonna be. The way I'm looking at this, it seems like you could get into McLaren F1 and do whippets, same experience.

Starting point is 00:52:05 Yeah. Identical experience. I think they haven't thought through enough things. Like I like when you, like a finite retirement home where you go, hey, we're coming in, but you're not gonna live forever? No. So let's dump all your money into it

Starting point is 00:52:18 and let's blow it out. And we'll time it out where your money runs out and you die that day. That day. And by the way, we're never gonna tell you what day. It was neat, you were on a little bit of Molly and it was weird. That day. And by the way, we're never gonna tell you what day. And it was neat, you were on a little bit of Molly and it was weird, you put on a fur swimsuit,

Starting point is 00:52:28 just like Pink Palace. Ah, you got the music of Ace of Base blasting and just like. Dude, I never liked people that didn't like Ace of Base. Like the people that we shit on the fact that. Those songs slap, they slap and the girls are hot. The Ace of Base. We've talked a lot of shit about you.

Starting point is 00:52:46 No, we didn't. I didn't talk shit about ace of base. No, but I watched those Tridell's talk shit about ace of base. I was like, song's fucking good. Keep talking. Keep talking, motherfucker. You're.

Starting point is 00:52:55 Here's what I really want. You ready? I want a. Mm-hmm. Fine. I want a blow it out rehab, right? So for people that are sober, they just wanna run at it one

Starting point is 00:53:05 more time mm-hmm they give you like a solid week of just getting fucking loose mm-hmm and then they cut you off you go into rehab for three to thirty days that's the way it often works though everybody I know I guess people are paying everybody I know that went to rehab that's verbatim what happened they blew it out for a week and then they thought the trees were FBI agents outside the house, and they're like, I think this is probably rehab time. I'm gonna cut this off sharp right now.

Starting point is 00:53:31 I wish they did rehab light, where it was like sativas and white wine. Yeah, you know, it's not, you dip your toe. Yeah, we're not getting fucking crazy. No, no, no, we're not going crazy. Yeah, we're gonna teach you my race. Yeah, we're not getting fucking crazy. No, no, no, no, we're not going crazy. Yeah, we're gonna teach you moderation. Yeah, we're gonna eat social stuff. Casual social stuff. Yeah, and you play with a horse or whatever,

Starting point is 00:53:51 like shoe it, something that they do in those rehabs. Yeah, you have a sparkling wine and you get to hang around with a horse. That's a pretty good life, actually. By the way, they got a rehab, so I gotta get a surgery, and I was looking at like, because my biggest thing is, not booze but food, if I get a surgery I'm gonna balloon up.

Starting point is 00:54:08 Cause I can't work, if I can't work out, this is what I look like working out every single day. You look good by the way right now, you look really good. Thank you. I mean I know you look good, that's why I didn't mention it, cause you're tan and you're, yeah. I know you've been working, you're doing your thing, yeah. But I want to go, there's one that's in Malibu

Starting point is 00:54:22 that you can- Promises? No, you can party at it that you can party at it. You can party at it, but it's like they monitor your food intake, like they monitor, they have chefs prepare your meals. Oh, this is a physical rehab. It's like a physical rehab. Physical rehab.

Starting point is 00:54:34 So you can party, you can take edibles, you can do whatever you want. I mean, I don't know if they bring edibles, but. I would say if it said something, something, rehab, and then in the slogan somewhere it said bring edibles, I'd be like this feels a little fucking sketch you know what bring edibles I think I always see what we want to see I was like the guy who invented the guillotine dead by a guillotine it's funny cuz the place I'm going to get fixed they said please, please bring edibles. Please?

Starting point is 00:55:05 Oh. No, so I like it. Here's our idea. It is based on one of the grossest party places in the world that we love. Pull it up, the Pink Palace, Corfu, Greece. Pink Palace, Corfu, the first place we met. I don't technically remember,

Starting point is 00:55:21 because the next day I laid down at Vespa at 55 miles an hour. I slept on the beach that night. God. And sleep. You weren't married. No, no, no, single guy, single guy. Look at it, look at it. Single guy, which is a big part of the problem.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Oh, I had an idea. We were joking, I was joking about this with Ken Marino, thinking, is this a fun game show where you would host it, because we met you at the Pink Palace, and we have to, as 55-year-old men, recreate every day of our 20-day trip to the Greek islands that we did in 1990,

Starting point is 00:55:52 what is this, three, two, three, four? 1994. 1994. So we have to do everything we did. So like, your day starts with like, box of Uzo in the sun. Yeah. And then,

Starting point is 00:56:02 Pacamorboro lights. And then you gotta like, eat a hot dog off the ground. It's just like you have, and the challenge is just to see if you live. The answer is we would not. I love this. There's no way we'd live. Pink balance, I don't remember,

Starting point is 00:56:16 it was not that nice to my recollection, but our retirement version will be. This is, wouldn't it be fun to be retired there? I can't remember. The pool being that clean. Nobody goes by the pool, cause it's also on a beach that they're not showing in that. Oh dear, that was kind of more, yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:33 Yeah, pink palace. I got jealous of Dutch guys there. Dutch guys run cool. Dutch guys are so fucking cool. They run cool and their English is perfect. Yeah. No, they're already like, They run cool and their English is perfect. Yeah. No, they're already like. They sound sensitive when they talk.

Starting point is 00:56:47 Yeah, it sounds, oh and then they drift into English and it's perfect. And they're just sort of Dutch and cool, yeah. They're used to getting places on bicycle, you know? They're used to getting places by bicycle. I always say I'm bummed that I'll never have that experience to live in the Netherlands and like ride my bike through the city

Starting point is 00:57:05 and my girlfriend's tall and she has blonde hair and a scarf and a backpack. You have that kind of money, you could do that. I know. You could cosplay that for like a week. If you had to pick a second wife right now, what would you go for? Just nationality.

Starting point is 00:57:20 Secret family. Secret family. I get to have a secret family right now. Well hold on, now if we're going secret family, I'm going Asian, so'm going to India. Yeah Get out of this country. I'm doing completely Game palette change. Oh, yeah, I'm going Indian. I'm going low-cast good-looking. Yeah doesn't realize her worth flutter with cash Oh my gosh, you know how much yeah, yeah, you could look so rich if you just come in you're like, yeah

Starting point is 00:57:42 I got a pizza Can I say that we're almost exactly describing the movie called the man who would be King? No, no, no, it's this is not in the man who would be king I don't think this is a secret it also stars speaking of a guy who married a very beautiful Indian woman Michael Kane His wife Shakira Kane is in the picture and you'll see her in some of the photos probably I'm like one of the most legendary supermodels. Is that her? Yeah, that's my wife.

Starting point is 00:58:08 Beautiful. So, Amanda Woodby King, kids, put this, this is a fucking movie, but it's kind of what we just described. It's these two weird weirdos. And they decide to go over the mountains into this like find these people that have never really met.

Starting point is 00:58:24 There's this tribe over the mountains who have never really met. There's this tribe over the mountains who's never really met anybody. And they're like, we'll go and convince them that we're gods. And it's a little bit like what we're talking about right now. Yeah. The weird thing is we have more resources to really do this. I mean, I kind of think I'm like misusing my money. Oh, I know you are. I've looked around your house,

Starting point is 00:58:46 you are misusing your money. I'm just trying to keep up. Instead of going to Southeast Asia to India and proclaiming yourself a god, which I think is a very solid plan and I can't find any holes in it. It doesn't work for them for a bunch of reasons we won't get into, but they get really close.

Starting point is 00:59:03 For real? This movie fucking is unbelievable. Is this a comedy? No, but it's very funny The man who the man who would be king, you know based on I believe an old Rudyard Kipling, please don't don't Don't drag me if I'm wrong, but it's a rud your old Rudyard Kipling story. Michael Caine fucking amazing Sean Connery Michael Chomshaw.aine is Sean Connery? This is one of these movies with fucking Mutt & Chops and look at this, oh. This one, like movies were like a thing.

Starting point is 00:59:31 Now people are making movies like, hey do you wanna come, where are you shooting? Like, oh it's in, bring a sandwich. I'm like, what? I'm like, bring your own sandwich. Do you have an outfit you could wear to be in the movie? I don't wanna fucking bring an outfit to be in the movie. God.

Starting point is 00:59:44 Used to be like movies like this that would take a year. Yeah. You go to India and fuckin' Did you ever shoot a movie on film? Oh, of course. Really? Yeah, sure. I'm in two Christopher Nolan movies.

Starting point is 00:59:54 Wait, which ones? Memento and The Dark Knight Rises. Wait. Both on film. Hang on, hang on. Of course, hang on. Hang on, let's talk about Memento. Maybe the best movie ever fuckin' made.

Starting point is 01:00:02 Ever. Ever made. Ever made. Ever. All right in that movie I love that you forgot that I'm in it, which is sort of I can't remember Look at you. Mm-hmm. Wait, who did you play in this? I'm a character called doctor who has no name. There you go There's me in memento. Yeah, you look so different. I'm a real boy. I was a boy that is 98 Or 99 or something like that but 98 or 99 or something like that. But that's the joke.

Starting point is 01:00:26 The joke is in Dark Knight Rises, when I turn around and I'm Bruce Wayne's doctor, the joke is, oh, isn't that the same doctor who's testing Sammy in Memento? That is the joke. Christopher Nolan, very funny person. Really? Absolutely, totally funny.

Starting point is 01:00:39 He's cracked me up a lot of times. Never met him. You won't get lovelier and funnier, and always on film. Always shooting on film. Really? Oh yeah, yeah. He's, I'll tell you what, Memento, one of my favorite movies.

Starting point is 01:00:50 It's crazy. Tenet. I think I'm the perfect intelligence for the people that make movies. Like I think if you're smarter than me, you already get the ending before it. And if you're dumber than me, you can never get the ending. I'm the perfect,

Starting point is 01:01:02 Yeah, you're right in the middle. I'm right in the middle. I'm like the perfect window we're like. Yeah, you're right in the middle, yeah. I'm right in the middle. You're mid, yeah. I'm like the perfect window for making a movie where you go, now's when they'll figure out he's dead. And you're like, oh, shut up. Like, Memento, I've watched that over and over and over again, just trying to figure it out.

Starting point is 01:01:19 You go, oh, yeah. Apparently, as told to me by the script supervisor, who's an amazing script supervisor, he worked Reno 9-1 a lot to same prop guy Although we have a lot of the oddly Reno 9-1-1 Weirdly shares a lot of the Christopher Nolan team you can't tell from Reno 9-1-1 necessarily But like all the people who do like Guillaume Deloach and Steve Gerkey all these guys who work for Nolan also come and do our show and who work for Nolan also come and do our show. And so Memento, what I'm told,

Starting point is 01:01:47 is a movie that starts in the middle and goes that way. I'm like, oh right, I didn't really know that either because I'm in it. I'm like, I guess. Starts in the middle and goes that way. Somehow, I don't know. What is the, okay, in Memento, he, oh I'm dying to know if there are people

Starting point is 01:02:04 that have never seen Memento, because it was kind of like a low-key hit. Low-key, but, and quick shout out, his movie before that, which is called Following, fucking amazing also. What's Following? Following is, Christopher Nolan's to my knowledge, his first full-length film.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Really? Called Following, and it's fucking wonderful. What's the main message? Well, no, in the movie, he has no memory. He has no short-term memory. No, he has no memory, memory. Every day's new to him, basically, yeah. And he's like, no, it's like 50 first dates, but scary.

Starting point is 01:02:40 And everyone's kind of using him in a way. Yeah, so he writes stuff on his body. And it's Guy Pearce, and he fucking looks cool. And what's his name, Joey Pant is in a way. Yeah, so he writes stuff on his body. And it's Guy Pearce and he fucking looks cool. And what's his name? Joey Pant is in it. Oh yeah, Joey Pant. Yeah. He's the, I'm not gonna say too much about it,

Starting point is 01:02:51 but he's a character in it that's of interest. Carrie Anne Moss is so fucking beautiful. Character of interest, yeah. Stephen Tobolowski, I got a lot of scenes with him. Stephen Tobolowski, I ran into him. He's a good crossover between Groundhog Day and Memento speaking of of because he's in both Mm-hmm. He's Sammy in Groundhog Day and he's also the guy that goes up because Phil Phil Connors

Starting point is 01:03:15 God what a great fucking movie. You could intercut those two movies. It'd be really fun guys You keep going to Sammy and then you go to him and he keeps meeting Bill Murray Phil Phil Connors And he's back in the fucking chair with me being like, I didn't kill all these people. What is it about those movies that I love so much? Like a movie like Groundhog's Day or Memento or even anything time-travel-y, anything in the tenant where you can watch it back and forth.

Starting point is 01:03:40 It's a thrill. I mean, it's such a thrill to see, now that you know how this plays out What do you change? You know that is a little bit of a you know it's definitely like a wish fulfillment of like What will you do differently now that you know except that the way it unfolds in Groundhog Day is so magnificent because at first He just fucks around and he's mad and then he gets really great at the piano And then he finds out what to say to Andy McDowell like yeah

Starting point is 01:04:04 He just fucks around at first and then he keeps getting better. say to Andy McDowell. Like, yeah, he just fucks around at first and then he keeps getting better, he figures out, you know, which was definitely fun. There's a dreamy young guy, Pierce, there. Yeah, Memento's tight, but do check out, I see you got the tour bus parked outside, you're gonna be on the road in a little bit. Throw up, or you could even do as a double feature,

Starting point is 01:04:23 throw up Memento, but then throw up following. Type in following. Following Christopher Nolan. It's just the word following. Boom. I don't know if it's legally his second picture or his first picture, but it's fucking great. What's the premise?

Starting point is 01:04:38 See, this is, I think that, so, okay, soft pitch, okay? This is an app I think me and you should design. Okay. Okay. Me and you should design. Okay. Okay, me and you, we get along pretty well. We do. We're very different, but we're very similar. Yeah, there's a weird- Like you're smarter than I am.

Starting point is 01:04:53 I'm not sure that's true. Yeah, no you are. You're smarter, you can do homework, you can do like, you're really good at being a grownup. But there's a- Real questions we could dig into later. There should be an app, right? Not like Grindr or Tinder. There should be an app, right? Not like Grindr or Tinder.

Starting point is 01:05:06 There should be an app where you can make new friends that are adults. And don't jerk you off through a milking table. But you go like you type in your interests. Or they might, but like, it's not, we're not putting it up first. It's not the first thing we're putting up. It's not the first thing that's gonna happen.

Starting point is 01:05:21 We might go see a movie or some other stuff. Cause like even talking to you when you go, oh have you seen the following? Have you seen the man that will be, like you know so much more stuff than I do. And I go like, oh this is gonna be fun to get to know you for real. So I can text you and go, hey, dot dot dot dot dot.

Starting point is 01:05:37 But we also don't read books. So like we're on the same page. Can't read books. I've written three novels and one screenwriting book. Screenwriting book made the bestseller list. My first novel made the bestseller list. I don't read books at all. If someone was getting into Hollywood right now,

Starting point is 01:05:51 would you tell them, just don't? I'd say, I hope you have an amazing TikTok. I hope you have a lot of followers on TikTok. Yeah. And I hope you're doing really funny, great stuff. Yeah. And also there isn't really Hollywood so congrats But I mean I mean welcome. Do you get I get really upset with I'm a rider die Los Angelenos

Starting point is 01:06:13 Like I'm there's my city. I live here. I raised my kids here. It'd be great if we filmed here Yeah, yeah, it would be great. How's this gonna? It was filmed here. Was it? Yeah, I would love to go I would love to do a memento tour Reno 911 Miami was filmed on like two blocks behind your house here. The end where we're driving around the old folks home, the golf cart chase is all at this fascinating little retirement community.

Starting point is 01:06:35 Have you not been over there? No. It's curious. There is like a retirement community, if you get to the golf cart chase at the end, it was filmed basically on this block, on the other side of this block. There is like a retirement community, if you get to the golf cart chase at the end, it was filmed basically on this block on the other side of this block. There is a real, that's it, it'll come up, there's a real, real interesting little retirement community that's still there. And it's called like the Boner or something weird.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Wait, is it? Yes. On, um. I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about that weird little place yeah that's where we shot the end of the arena yes hundred percent do that place looks so this is a long sequence but if you fast forward oh my god you the entire movie up on YouTube oh that does happen we made the movie hell baby and the day

Starting point is 01:07:19 before it came out it was on YouTube like really oh like, really? Oh, fuck, how'd that, just fucking people just put it up. I got in a big fight with a guy once. I got in a big fight with a guy. You know, I like confrontations. So, Night at the Museum 2 had just come out, which me and we wrote, and a guy, are you on Facebook? Yeah. Yeah, I, are you on Facebook? Yeah? I used to be on Facebook and I used to take everybody because it was just like a thing of like,

Starting point is 01:07:50 fuck it, let's all hop in, the water's fine. Maybe we'll all get on the milking table, I don't know. So I was on Facebook and it was just all well and good. My wife was eight and a half months pregnant. And sitting around one night and she's going to bed, she's eight and a half months pregnant and Sitting around one night and she's going to bed. She's eight and a half months pregnant and I'm like I'm just gonna stay up and check Facebook one second Going on Facebook and I get a note from a dude. He's like hey just saw a night at Museum to here in Cambodia on a DVD Didn't love it

Starting point is 01:08:29 I know a lot of thoughts about how you could have made the movie better. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I go back to the red one, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. I'm like, motherfucker, you're telling me you just watched, you watched a bootleg copy of a movie that I wrote and then felt like you needed to reach out to me to tell me that you didn't like it and how it could have been better if I'd thought about it harder and done the worked on it more and I was like motherfucker The movie came out in America today yesterday. You're watching a DVD in Cambodia Now that's fucking you just fucking pirated a movie and you're shitting on me about it

Starting point is 01:09:02 I was like fuck you and I write I write along like Jerry Maguire, like angry. I'm like, you have taken my time. Like as an artist, I don't care what the fucking money goes to fogs anyway. But I was like, but time, I spent time and you've stolen my time. Ding, fucking send it. And I get a note and then like couple minutes pass

Starting point is 01:09:22 where I'm like glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Still not going to bed. Now it's midnight or one-ish. Ding, I get a note back. Well, fuck you too. Like I get the furious note back of like, boo hoo hoo hoo. I'm gonna go cry to Darth Vader. Why don't you tell Darth Vader and Fox

Starting point is 01:09:38 to come fucking get your royalties back from me, you bitch. I was so angry. And then I write back again. Because I'm doing this. Facebook. Oh, now we're doing. Oh, guy in Cambodia who did not like Night of the Museum 2. Let me tell you about the fucking life of a fucking writer. And I write like another fucking, I write Finnegan's Wake back again about fucking the struggle. Finished the fucking bottle of wine, slap it closed. I'm like fucking Facebook, man, fucking motherfuckers.

Starting point is 01:10:11 And I go to bed, it's now about three, now that I've written so many mission statements to a random dude in Cambodia. And my head hits the pillow, and I'm fucking so lit from red wine, my face is burning up, and Jenny puts her arm on me red wine, my face is burning up. And Jenny puts her arm on me and says, my water just broke.

Starting point is 01:10:31 I was like, wait, wait, what? She's like, my water just broke, we're having a baby right now. Shut up. And I was like, I've been in a fight with a guy on Facebook for six hours about how he didn't like Night of the Museum 2, which I'll be honest has some, you know, there's some stuff like, like, some of his notes were kind of valid. Some of his notes were valid and I'm like, fuck, I'm like, oh man.

Starting point is 01:10:57 Okay, you got this. You definitely have the spins. You're about out, literally about to have a baby. She ended up going into labor for a real long time. So there was like a whole day passed Yeah, but but stay out of the fucking comments guys You don't need to go check on how people on Facebook feel about stuff. Don't check I do like it will never at least to nothing. I do like that as a as a Either a game show or a podcast

Starting point is 01:11:25 of just someone that knows nothing about making movies. Just telling you everything. It's called I've Got Notes. But everybody does. You're like Bill is a truck driver, his favorite movie is. What kind of truck? Like a truck truck.

Starting point is 01:11:40 No, no, no, yeah, but no. Like a semi. Yeah, let's not do that. Let's do it like he's a car driver. He's a Uber driver. No, I don no, yeah, but no, I guess I might like yeah, let's not do that Let's do it like like he's a car driver. He's a uber driver. No, I don't like that. Look what? Ruins Ruin everything before you even play it out. It's so easy to fucking go like I remember On a movie I should have a movie one time I don don't far forget what movie it was. What movie just for fun, was I in it?

Starting point is 01:12:06 No, no. I know a movie. I'll tell you what movie. I'm in a couple pretty bad movies. I'll tell you what movie bothered me. And I kinda just casually shit on it. And it was Ferrari. I actually didn't see it, but I did see House of Gucci.

Starting point is 01:12:21 The House of Gucci. I got so many, we could talk for hours. I loved everything about the House of Gucci. I love it so much. So House of Gucci. The House of Gucci. I got so many, we could talk for hours. I love everything about the House of Gucci. I love it so much. So the House of Gucci. The House of Gucci, does he love it too? This is the reason I stopped shitting on movies. Because Tom loves House of Gucci.

Starting point is 01:12:37 He's also right. He hated House of Gucci. But he's wrong. Okay, hold on, we're calling Tom. It's terrible. It's the worst, he said it's the worst movie he's ever seen. You can see Adam Driver look at the camera and be like, they gave me 25 million dollars.

Starting point is 01:12:50 I'm not gonna not eat out Lady Gaga for 25 million dollars. Come to Italy and eat out Lady Gaga? What part of me doing this movie did you not get? And then on the days off when I'm not eating Lady Gaga right in my face, I'm going to dinner with Al Pacino. This is a good movie. Full phrase. He was so livid about House of Gucci.

Starting point is 01:13:15 It is a thing. Really? It's worth it. I gotta watch it. I gotta watch it. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, throw it up in the bus. I gotta watch it. I bet I end up liking it.

Starting point is 01:13:23 I think you're gonna like it. I think I'm gonna fucking love it. Because every once in a a while Adam Driver, I feel like, you know Clint Eastwood in though smoking the bandit used to like look at the camera and be like I love that. I'm the bandit. Yeah. Well the bandits in it again. Adam Driver a couple times in House of Gucci kind of goes, you know like oh he's basically like saying like I know I know I know is know. Is this movie perfect? Oh. Was I just eating out Lady Gaga a second ago? Yes.

Starting point is 01:13:50 Am I obviously getting paid full freight to be like goofing around in the Italian Alps? Yes. Full freight. Tom was living about this movie, and I just made a movie, and I realized how much work goes into a movie, and then I was like.

Starting point is 01:14:03 It's impossible, movies are impossible. It's impossible, and then I was like, well I'm not gonna shit on movies anymore, because I go, I can't, I forget which one was the last one. The last one I gave comments about was Ferrari, because the Enzo Ferrari's. Oh no, I saw Ferrari.

Starting point is 01:14:14 This is how terrible I am. I saw Ferrari. Okay. Yeah. But his wife didn't look like, his wife. Nobody does. Didn't look like that.

Starting point is 01:14:22 So I had a hard time connecting why he'd ever cheat on, what is her name, not Sophia Magaro. Penelope Cruz. Penelope Cruz, why would he ever cheat on Penelope Cruz? Especially with the other chick, who I didn't think was that hot. Trying to remember who the other chick is, she's more off the beaten path.

Starting point is 01:14:39 I mean it does fall into the expression of, that I've heard. That's what she looked like, and then that's what they have her as, and I go, no I get why you'd cheat on her. Come on. You didn't know the difference was that much. It was so. That's pretty pronounced. That's my problem with representation in movies,

Starting point is 01:14:54 is they go, they can't cast Scarlett Johansson as a trans female, but they can cast fucking her as. Everybody gets hotter in movies, yeah. Yeah, I don't know if you saw the Dylan picture recently, but. My daughter loved it. No, it was amazing. Really?

Starting point is 01:15:10 Yeah, two things. Dylan doesn't look like that. No. And Joan Baez did not look like that. I was like to my son, I'm like, we were never dreaming like, hey, please show Joan Baez in her little cotton underwear walking around the kitchen.

Starting point is 01:15:22 Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. No, that was never something we were dreaming about back in the day. No, she's one of the most beautiful women in the history of the world. But of course, if you have Timothy Shalime, you can't just like, yeah. You can't have a normie.

Starting point is 01:15:37 You can't have normal people. They all look weird next to each other. See, there's the normals. No, yeah, nope. To play Joan Baez. Jesus. Joan Baez gotta be psyched, right? You gotta be like, what?

Starting point is 01:15:51 Neat, wow. Do people, everybody perceives me like this? That's what you saw? Whoa! My self esteem's in the gutter. Holy shit. Is that real Bob Dylan? That's real Bob Dylan and real Joan right there.

Starting point is 01:16:05 And real Joan Baez. God bless them, they've given us so much. What a gift they've been to all of us and everything they do. But I'm not dreaming about them in their underwear. You know? No. And you cut to Timmy and her and I'm like,

Starting point is 01:16:16 hey, let's get all these guys trottin' out. Let's see Tim running around there and like, what's he doing? What was the movie they shit on at the Oscars a bunch? They were like this, like that was their joke movie that they were shooting on this year. Mm-hmm They always shit on Ben Affleck movies, and I love that dude What oh air what did you see it's here about standing Put it on the fucking bus. Yeah, a benefit air

Starting point is 01:16:40 Five out of five stars. No, literally no one saw it. He always delivers for me It's great incredible and he's amazing in it and very funny he's he plays the the Nike dude and he's bonkers and it's fucking awesome chef kiss chef kiss yeah him in the town sounds great yeah yeah he's great mm-hmm it's what's the movie what was the movie everybody was shitting on? What was the movie everyone was shitting on at the Oscars? wait. It was not Amelia Perez which was the movie everybody was shitting on this year? What was the movie everyone was shitting on at the Oscars? It's gotta be... It was not Amelia Perez, which was the crazy one. I didn't watch any of the movies or the Oscars.

Starting point is 01:17:10 I believe that about you. I know that you didn't watch any of the Oscar movies because it's a little bit like reading. It is. It's definitely a little bit like reading. You gotta pay a lot of attention. Especially the ones in Spanish, it's literally, I've heard your Spanish and it's not good enough

Starting point is 01:17:24 to understand Amelia Perez beginning to end. It wasn't that, it was not conclave, which was actually excellent, rest in power. It's crazy that it's happening right now. That's actually a great picture, did you watch? It's about the pope? Yeah, but it's way better than you think. It's like a sort of a,

Starting point is 01:17:39 it's almost like a murder mystery dinner, I swear. Really? They should have pitched it as murder mystery pope dinner. I think the branding of these, you could Murder Mystery Pope Dinner. It would've been. I think the branding of these, you could dummy down the branding. If you just made, okay, make the trailer for that. We used to do that.

Starting point is 01:17:50 For real? We used to do that, yeah, there used to be trailers that were like, made movies seem like more fun. Yeah, make a trailer. It's Kramer versus Kramer. Yeah, like make a conclave trailer that's meant for frat houses. We were like, do you like dudes in white?

Starting point is 01:18:04 Dude, they're gonna burn out. The white smoke will only come out when what? You thought the Klan was bad and white. Check out these motherfuckers. I'm still here. All these bros. Substance was. Oh, I like the substance.

Starting point is 01:18:19 That was a. Wicked, everyone trashed wicked, but I think they trashed the marketing. That was just because their press tour was nuts. Their press tour was crazy. There was a lot of hand holding, and they all were saying that everybody was holding space for something,

Starting point is 01:18:29 which I don't know what that means. I still don't know what it means, holding space for stuff. I don't know. I mean, all I can think of is, I really don't know what it means. I don't know what it means. But it started to get said, it started to get said a lot during that.

Starting point is 01:18:42 And I actually loved the movie. It's way, way, way, way, way too long, but it's a lovable movie. I fell asleep in it. It's way, way, way, way, way too long, but it's a lovable movie. I fell asleep in it. It's way, way, way, way, way too long. I went with my daughters, my wife, I got high and I passed out. Well yeah, you're in a nice air-conditioned theater.

Starting point is 01:18:54 Snored out loud. That is such a meme. You snoring during Wicked, I hate to say it, it's a perfect meme. It's just like the scream of like, and if you care to find me as someone told me lately what about the press tour for Snow White mmm magnificent it is fun to get to see this would be a sort of a funny TV show because there was at one

Starting point is 01:19:22 point did you see uh Death on the Nile? Wait, you're like the original and the other one? No, the more recent one. I've watched all of them, I'm a big hunk of it, Christie. Of course, because we, god damn, we have a weird amount of overlap. So the fun part of Death on the Nile is that by the time they shot the movie

Starting point is 01:19:40 and by the time the movie came out, about half of the cast had been canceled or done some unbelievably crazy shit. Yes army was eating ladies Allegedly eating people's he never is eating people's but army was maybe he was talking about eating people I was brand Russell brand gal Gadot had come out and been like She's like Israel will kill you all in your like you all bow down And I'm like the press person must have been like whoa hey guys guys I thought I was a little bit fucked with what don't tell who the killer is hey guys

Starting point is 01:20:13 Let's all stop being dicks and the opening scene of so like the army stuff about him Like sort of getting into like cannibal stuff allegedly Had just come out and the whole opening is a dance number where he's licking Gal Gadot and like, he's Pepe lapewing her in this dance number and you're like, oh, this is like four players. I didn't see this one, you know what I saw? I saw Murder on the Orient Express.

Starting point is 01:20:37 Yeah, you saw the one where only one guy was canceled. Wait, who's canceled in that one? He's uncancelled now. Who? Johnny Depp. Oh yeah. At the time he was a little dubious because we didn't know how that was gonna sort out. Yeah. You know? He's canceled. Wait, who's canceled now? He's uncancelled now. Who? Johnny Depp. Oh yeah. At the time he was a little dubious because we didn't know how that was going to sort

Starting point is 01:20:47 out. Yeah. You know? Josh Gad is fucking good. Oh, one of the funniest people of all time. The only time I ever saw a show where my face fucking hurt was the original book. Have you seen Book of Mormon? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:58 I saw it with him in it. With him in it. Wait, did I? Would I have seen it in LA with him in it? No. Okay, no. No, you saw the pantages with a funny little dude. He's very funny, but he's not Josh Gat.

Starting point is 01:21:07 Josh is something else. But there's Josh, yeah. Stone Cold Genius. What are we talking about? We always talk about musicals. I know when I don't. I know you don't know him at all. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:19 I know Lynn texted after that. Yeah. It wouldn't have been well when you called him Lynn Emanuel Miranda? It's okay, my buddy Billy Gardell had a TV show called Bob Hearts Something. I have been calling it Bob Loves Danny Amendola. I thought it always looked written out

Starting point is 01:21:43 like Bob Loves Assholes assholes Bob loves Abishola Absolutely insane title for a show it's it's crazy that it was success It's almost an abuse of power to just be like Bob Hart Abishola. Yeah Come on. I've been saying Bob loves at Danny Amandola for so fucking long I really said it the other day and I went, I've been saying the wrong fucking title. I literally look at it and go, Bob loves assholes. Okay, wait, can I tell you something? How do you not see that?

Starting point is 01:22:10 Can I tell you something that I learned yesterday? And you're gonna, everyone, is anyone listening downstairs? Every single human being is going to mock me for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will, but okay. It is. If I looked at this, I was like, how much does this cost? I'm crazy about that.

Starting point is 01:22:34 Oh, don't worry about that. If you worry about this palace that we're in right now, next to the dudes who might, you should check that I make it to the car. My friend. I might have to walk in the car. You're a little nosy. Peek-a-boo, hey, peek-a-boo.

Starting point is 01:22:48 No, no, I see you. Come here, peek-a-boo. I was walking by the vehicles and I'm like, did Bert win the lottery again? What the fuck happened? Because there's these luxury vehicles, but everybody's sitting in a weird plywood thing in the back, like talking about stuff.

Starting point is 01:23:09 This is a weird neighborhood. To be fair, he was very nice. Yeah. But there was a vibe. Oh yeah. Of. What do you think if they walked into our front yard of me and you talking, what do you think our vibe would be?

Starting point is 01:23:25 Hey, hey, hey, uh-uh Let's see. They were the nice guys. Yeah, I walked into a weird like mafia den and they were very nice Whereas if they come up here, I'll be like you what do you need Burt for? Don't know like what do you need him for? I love confrontation. I love it. I love it so much. It it My wife does not love how much I love it. Here's the thing. So early in New York in the state, we all got beat up on the streets in New York all the time.

Starting point is 01:23:52 It was a very ordinary thing to happen. We moved to New York, and it was 1988. So it's like the movie The Warriors. It's fucked up. That was when all the subway cars are covered in graffiti. It was just a scary time. So once you've been beaten up in New York a couple of times, something changes in you, I think.

Starting point is 01:24:11 And you stop, for me, I stop being afraid of physical confrontations. Really? Doesn't scare me anymore. Wow. No, two really amazing ones. I did not win or throw punches or anything, but I just came out the other side of them. And it sort of gives you a little thing of like, all right, let's see how this goes.

Starting point is 01:24:33 And then you find out, and this is the other scary part, nobody wants to be in confrontations. Nobody does. So I was right, a recent example, we live in Wisconsin a lot most of the time. And we rode our bikes to the movie theater. And me and my wife and my son are riding our bikes back from the movie theater. And there's a car. We're in the exact proper lane that we're supposed to be in

Starting point is 01:24:55 for the bikes. Little car honks as he comes by us, and dude screams out the window, get the fuck out of the road. And then he gets stopped at a red light. And I'm coming up. I pull right up, his windows open, I lean in the window, and I say, get the fuck out of the car.

Starting point is 01:25:18 Get the fuck out of the car right now. He's like, did I say something? I'm like, get the fuck out of the car right now. He's like, I'm, did I say something? I'm like, get the fuck out of the car right now. One of us is gonna die right here. And I don't care if it's you or me. So get the fuck out of the car right now. And the next thing he says is, Tom. I'm like, yeah. He's like, you're friends with the Chief of Police and

Starting point is 01:25:50 so am I. I'm also friends with the Chief of Police. I was like, okay. Okay. So we know when the cops come, it's going to be a draw, but get out of the car. And he's like, I'm so, he's like, most people are not ready to be corrected and people are driving around screaming at people on bikes children and things like that and people like we got into a world where everybody is good I ain't like your movie I didn't mean but people don't get corrected by adults as much as I think they should when I was kid you get fucking corrected all the time I'm from the West Side Chicago old Irish guys would just fucking hit you in the head and be like, fucking, knock it off.

Starting point is 01:26:29 People would tell us to knock it off every day, all day. No one's told, like a whole generation, no one has said knock it off, about anything, ever. Oh, I remember getting pulled out of my window and beaten by a grown man. Of course. I was 16 years old. I got people, people pulled me out of my window.

Starting point is 01:26:46 Okay, were you being a dick though? Yeah, I was. Okay. So yeah, I was. I honked at him. I cheer for this guy. He was pulled over at the movie theater to drop off his kids.

Starting point is 01:26:54 And I was pulling up, it was Hyde Park, I pulled up behind him, and then I honked it, and then I honked at him. I'm still on his side. And he was like this, go around, and I honked again, and he said go around, and I pulled up next to him, I go, learn how to fucking to fucking drive and I pulled up and then I got to the next light and he Walked on this is a to my window and I was talking to my buddy

Starting point is 01:27:14 Sal and I said something like where are we going and Sal goes? Oh shit? He's here and I went He pulled me out of my window and started punching me in one eye. That's just punching me in one eye. And he was like, Lauren, I don't fucking drive. I'm going to fucking. And he pulled me out. Sal jumped over, jumped onto his back. I love this guy.

Starting point is 01:27:34 He threw Sal off. My buddy Adam Rieger got into the front seat and drove away. In your vehicle? In my vehicle. And you're just on the street. We were on the street by the bank just under the interstate. And this guy beat the shit out of me and Sal. I'm teeming that guy 100%.

Starting point is 01:27:49 And man, I never talk shit to people anymore when I was driving. You know, it's interesting, and this is where my wife really gets on me, because stuff like that'll happen. Yeah. Because I've also, but I've also like, and she's like, somebody's gonna shoot,

Starting point is 01:28:02 and I'm like, she's like, what if they have a gun? I'm like, they better. And she hates that the most. Yeah. She's like, someone's gonna shoot you, and I'm like, she's like, what if they have a gun? I'm like, they better. And she hates that the most. She's like, they're gonna have a gun. I'm like, they better, because I'm gonna fucking, otherwise this is over right now. But the fact is you find most people have just forgotten how to have sort of manners and stuff.

Starting point is 01:28:18 Like we used to have manners about everything, like things were manners, except for you honking at the guy at the thing. We mostly used to just like. You were taught manners. We were taught manners at least. You were like, in that moment I realized, okay, I'm not the biggest man out here.

Starting point is 01:28:29 You forgot your manners for a minute. Yeah, I'm a kid, I think I'm tough, because I got a car. You just forgot your manners. We had a squatter in front of our house, we live in, he was in a camper, and the neighbors, these type of neighbors that you saw over there, came over to me, and we were just.

Starting point is 01:28:42 We were going to set this guy on fire. No, they said they were. No, no, but we're going to make it look like you did it were just. We were just. We're gonna set this guy on fire. No they said they. No no, but we're gonna make it look like you did it. No. Whoa whoa. They said you need to get him to move. This is your house.

Starting point is 01:28:51 Okay. And I said yeah I'm not good at that. And they're like what do you mean? I said like I don't know, I'll try. So I knocked on his door and I was like hey man, you can't park here and he was like yeah, yeah I can. And I was like no you can't and he's like no. Limitations I can. And I was like, no you can't and he's like, no, limitations of stat and so I was like,

Starting point is 01:29:08 I don't know the policy. I just was like, hey man, we're building here and we don't want you here and he was like, yeah, you can go fuck yourself, I'm staying here. So I looked at the end, I was like, yes, I can happen. And now we've escalated. The guys come over and they're like, what did he say? And I said, he's not moving.

Starting point is 01:29:23 And the one guy goes, the machine can't get him to move We can move him. Mm-hmm. They went I assure you those guys could get him to move Do you know what they did? I don't want to know I do it I don't want to be an accessory Am I an accessory after the fact if you tell me on a podcast, I think so. Okay, something happened They brought baseball bats over They brought baseball bats over. And they started destroying his camper van with baseball bats and when he came out,

Starting point is 01:29:48 they beat him with a baseball bat and then they moved it for him. They put him in it and they moved it for him. See that goes a little beyond my thing, which is just like manners are good. I was kind of getting at like, hey manners are good. And we diverted into like, let's start murdering folks I had a neighbor let's randomly murder the poor you ready for this I don't know if I'm going full I'm not full murder the poor I don't like

Starting point is 01:30:11 conversation item item neighbor who a guy was breaking into our house during construction breaking into our house and he caught him mm-hmm and he held him at gunpoint with a gun in his mouth on the corner of the street until the cops came. Yeah, like you do. And I'm just like, I'm not that kind of guy. I had a guy, when we lived in the middle of Hollywood, we lived on Vista Street, right by Astro Burger and Fat Burger at Santa Monica there. Yes.

Starting point is 01:30:35 And I looked out one night, and a guy was bolt cutting our bicycles, he'd come into our property through the gate and was bolt cutting the bicycles off the front porch of our house And I did the logical thing which is I grabbed my BB gun rifle I'm in like a suit I had the jacket was off and I started running and chasing him and saying motherfucker You did it now. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. He threw the bikes instantly. Yeah, but I didn't care I was going after him and then he got almost a Melrose basically and

Starting point is 01:31:08 Vista or Melrose and Gardner. And I'm lost them can't get him the bikes are gone. And I'm walking home and I got like a rifle in my arm. That's when the first cert cop searchlight hit me. Are you serious? It was seven cop cars and the helicopter seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter. Seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter. There was like 16 machine, 16 sawed off shotguns pointed at me in the street. I was like, oh yeah, I was chased. And like, you don't get to say right then as you're walking down the street, like dripping sweat with a suit, like,

Starting point is 01:31:42 can I tell my pie side of the story? Officer, let me say how I see it from my point of view. He like, no, you look like a fucking crazy person with a gun running down the street. Yeah. Yeah. They shot what's his name, the lead singer Weezer's wife.

Starting point is 01:31:58 Bass player. Bass player. Yeah. I wanna know way more about this that we don't know yet. I know, there's a lot of holes in there. It's a huge fold from, OK, just casually. No, there's a lot of stuff we don't know about that.

Starting point is 01:32:12 I do know from my experience with the LAPD. And they see you with a gun. And by the way, I'd thrown it on the ground already. It was way up. The second the spotlight hit me, I'm like, oh, fuck. This looks bad. Yeah. This is not good look.

Starting point is 01:32:26 The optics are sort of terrible, as I'm like, officers! Let me show you the real me. You have lived so high, now you shall live so low. Yeah, it was a bad night. By the way, great night to be famous. The best. Oh, yeah, it was a bad night. By the way, great night to be famous. Yeah, yeah. The best.

Starting point is 01:32:49 When you actually didn't do it, because actually it didn't do anything. I was actually chasing a guy who had robbed me, but I was being a little bit of a dick about it, and I was also screaming, you're about to get murdered, and things like that that are like, I was screaming things that were unseemly. But I do think that guy probably thought about it next time he was like, I'm going to fucking steal

Starting point is 01:33:08 a bike from a guy's house. I'm like, you know what? Once in a while you're going to roll the dice and you're going to get a little Irish guy who's sad and loves to just get into it. You're going to get a Smiths fan who's like, hey, the Smiths aren't making any more records. What am I?

Starting point is 01:33:23 I could be getting into that McLaren Swiss Capsule or chase you Mmm you can't you can't predict who's gonna beat you up. That's the best part about it That's also the best part about this is a weird thing cuz you're a big tough guy And you've always been you've probably always been kind of a big strong guy it's actually I think sometimes in situations where people are being a dick and I Go like I do the like, you know, that's whatever the thing is that I do which is like I get real The one thing I do is I get quiet

Starting point is 01:33:54 Is there's nothing scary like guys, you know, like fuck you. Okay, that's not scary. But when you lean in on it you say Come here. No, come here. I need you to come here for a second. It's so much scary, see? It's a thing you can cultivate, and maybe you cultivate it if you're a little guy. I'm five foot eight. I'm Tom Cruise height. So maybe you cultivate more like the, look. And also, it works 90% of the time.

Starting point is 01:34:19 The trick is 10% of the time it doesn't work. And the 10% of the time it doesn't work, you the 10% of the time it doesn't work, you are completely fucked. Because you're like a little guy who's basically an actor from musical theater pretending to be a badass. No, but you're a good actor. Yes, and it works again, 90% of the time. You're a good actor, a good writer, a good producer.

Starting point is 01:34:38 All those combined. But that other 10, that other 10, you're really, it's milking table and you're not on the good end. You're on the other end of the milking table. Oh shit, what? I live here now? Oh. Yeah, I hate confrontation.

Starting point is 01:34:59 Jill Schreiner, Basis Scott Schreiner was shot by police. That's crazy. I don't wanna comment on it because we really don't know what happened, but from my point of view, as a guy, I know a lot of cops. Whenever cops ask me to do stuff, I'm like, I'm one million percent. Yeah. You wanna do that? I'm like, fuck yeah.

Starting point is 01:35:18 Do you wanna come to the thing? Yes, of course I do. Yeah. I know they hate when you brandish guns at them. It's like one of their top five. They really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't like it. They've also been driving for like 11 hours

Starting point is 01:35:33 in scratchy pants with like ammunition that's like basically destroyed their kidneys and their hips hurt and like they just got told like they don't get Christmas off and they're like everything sucks and they're like, oh hey by the way, you probably can't understand, somebody's gonna have a gun over their house and all we know is that they hate you.

Starting point is 01:35:52 What? I don't know, you're just always, everywhere you go people are like fuck you, it sucks. I can't imagine how bad of a cop I'd be. Oh, I think first day, I'm like Denzel and training day. Just like PCP stuff Making Ethan Hawke do PCP. Oh, I would definitely There'd be a lot of times where I shot people. Yeah for sure right?

Starting point is 01:36:16 I was like, wow, that didn't go the way I thought it would I hear first instinct. Oh, I Overuse my power. I don't want to hear about your whole bam. Yeah, my favorite, you ever hear, and this is the kind of cop I'd be, they asked DMX one time, he got arrested. You ever hear the story, he got arrested at the airport. He got arrested for impersonating a federal agent. And they were like, what happened with that?

Starting point is 01:36:39 DMX did? Yeah, oh yeah. Was he dressed up like X-Files or what? He was, no, so you can buy, my daughter's just asked for these. You can buy sirens to put in your car. Oh yeah, no you're not supposed to do that. You're not supposed to do it the way DMX did it.

Starting point is 01:36:55 You're not supposed to do that, yeah. And DMX was like, he goes. What was DMX doing with the, yeah. He was at the airport, he was running, madly for a flight, madly for a flight and this is a dude's run going match So in front of me, so I hit him with the lights I pulled him over and he didn't pull over dudes not respecting my authority and they're like, but you're not a cop He goes, yeah, but he didn't know that he should have he should have pulled over so now how to run them off the road

Starting point is 01:37:20 This is a great story. Oh, it's and they go, but don't you not have a driver's license? And he goes, no, I don't have a driver's license. And they're like, you still drive? And DMX's response was, catch me if you can. Okay. And then it seems like they did. A neat thing about it, got him. Got him.

Starting point is 01:37:36 Second part about it, he threw an Asian guy under the bus driving slow? Yeah. You remember OJ and his first interrogation with the police? No. He throws an Asian driver under the bus too. For real? You remember OJ in his first interrogation with the police? No. He throws an Asian driver under the bus too. For real? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:50 Go watch the whole thing. Can I tell you that documentary blew me away? I always believe in innocence first. Of course. He really killed them. Allegedly. Yeah. I mean I don't want to get in trouble with OJ.

Starting point is 01:38:01 Well, the civil, no you're not gonna get in trouble with the civil courts. I watch that documentary, it is spectacular. It's spectacular. Now I know the world doesn't need two guys who look like us saying that probably. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, it's spectacular.

Starting point is 01:38:16 I have a buddy who owns a lot of OJ memorabilia when his stuff, and they say you can buy the glove. I'm just gonna wait this one out over here. I'm gonna hang out for a second. Then I jump back in Well, then the argument would be that's but ah, here's what I'm gonna say, okay, okay, okay If you're an OJ fan and you really believe that It's not his glove Yeah, end of. End of story. End of story.

Starting point is 01:38:46 He very clearly said it didn't fit when it... They just said, don't take your arthritis medicine. And he also started doing this really weird bit where things were just like... It's like what I do with condoms. Oh dude, no way. It's not working. This will never ever,

Starting point is 01:39:05 oh if you're gonna make me get this on. Yeah, yeah, we watched, the documentary was neat. He was doing weird, he's doing, no one's ever done jazz hands that hard. Yeah. It's like the hardest, it's like the, it's full Bob Fosse. Like he's, you can't, oh we're gonna get, no.

Starting point is 01:39:21 That's okay, nobody, everybody probably, anybody who thinks that like you and me are gonna like come here and be like, you know what, OJ got a real bum shake, I don't think that, they're not watching. No, no, no, they're not. No, they're not. This will never come up.

Starting point is 01:39:34 It's crazy when you look at all those. It will literally never come up in their feet that both of us are like, eh, see? Oh, I'll get in trouble for crying. I already know, you can highlight what people are gonna not like, and I'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating I already know. You can highlight what people are gonna not like and I'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating the female astronauts.

Starting point is 01:39:50 But you made me a slightly better person because I'm like, well, what do I hate about it so much? And the answer is the outfits are cute. If they're at your Halloween party, you'd be like, oh my God, you guys are so cute. Like, it's cute. The money wasn't going somewhere else. No, it didn't go, I know, it was, again,

Starting point is 01:40:06 the choice was not books. The choice was not like a tuberculosis hospital or this. You're making me, no, you're making me really think about it now. I always say, don't underestimate what a Karen we actually are. Like, everyone looks at like Karens and they go, fuck that lady, and you forget that you are a couple.

Starting point is 01:40:28 I know I'm definitely a Karen a lot of the time. You heard about me doing the guy with the bike stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm rooting for the guy that was gonna kill you. Yeah, I am, I am, I, the only thing that saves me from most Karen moments is that I've had a mic on the majority of my adult life. Well there's that.

Starting point is 01:40:44 And so you recognize that you're, I always feel like everyone's always listening to me. I love Karen videos. Oh man. I love it. I just can't stop watching. My favorite one. Have you seen the girl get chokeslammed? No, no. It's the best one. Where state? What part of Florida? I'm guessing. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Oh, not part of New. I think it's New York. It's called Karma, Karen. Oh, comes fat, Karma, Karen? Oh shit, let's do it.

Starting point is 01:41:09 Karma, Karen, choke, slam. Body slam, just say Karen, body slam. Okay, in Toledo, in Toledo. Toledo, Ohio. Is this it? In Toledo, that's it. This is so good. Is this it? In Toledo, that's it. This is so good. Oh, no, it's, oh my God, I've watched this 100 times.

Starting point is 01:41:31 I already know exactly what this is. I hope she's okay. Oh. This is, no, I've seen it so many times. I fantasize about this kind of shit. How is this kid so good at a body slam? Because this kid's like got some moves. Oh, this is from a different angle.

Starting point is 01:41:43 I've never seen this angle. You know what angle I've seen it from? This kid's like got a full jujitsu and he's just like the answer is no It's like it's kind of nice when you see somebody just go full dirty Harry. Yeah, here goes three two board Oh smack and You're down. Oh man doctors always say try to land right here Try to try to let this part of your spinal cord and your brain connect at 300 miles an hour with ice with Ohio ice and Pavement it's crazy. I feel like we've we've regressed. So when I was raised you weren't allowed to hit women no matter what right?

Starting point is 01:42:24 Wait, wait, you still are not. Yeah I know you like sports and everything but no. But there's videos like this we watch. That's different. Even if you got hit by a girl. You're supposed to walk it off. Yeah so I went to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at the Sundome when I was like 17 years old and my buddies all got into a fist fight. And... You're supposed to let girls hit you. And this girl, big tits, blonde, probably 5'10",

Starting point is 01:42:55 starts beating the shit out of me. I mean, if, is that the girl that got slammed? Again, I'm on her side. And she got me to a place where I fell in between seats. I couldn't move my arms to get him over my face and she's just punching the shit out of me. And I'm just- But she's not scratching.

Starting point is 01:43:14 Not scratching, just, wait. I'm like, this girl grew up in like fucking Pasco County. Like just unleashing on me. Good for her, I'm happy for her. And I was like, someone please punch this woman. Someone please punch this woman. Someone please punch this woman. I got the shit kicked out of me by a woman. And then I remember we got out of the fucking sundome,

Starting point is 01:43:29 and they were at their car. What did you do though? It was, I've never been an instigator on fights. I'm always the guy that makes the smart ass comment, like that sets it off, you know? So what was the situation here? I'm sure it was my friends fucking with these older rednecks

Starting point is 01:43:48 and I made the comment of like, I really don't remember that fight. I know for a fact, I got punched one time. I mean, it was so, so clean. Lam Dakai, ATO, we're at Yanni's. This is two days after the officers got acquitted for the Rodney King. And I dropped in, can't we all just get along?

Starting point is 01:44:14 It's just too soon. Maybe it was too raw, and I got punched hard as fuck. I mean, two days. Whose side am I on in this one? Give me a second. Two days after the fucking. Theoretically. It was so good.

Starting point is 01:44:29 Theoretically, it works. I mean, you fucked up by saying it. I go, guys, guys, guys, guys. And I mean, they're in the face of it. Can't we all just get along? Right after the Rodney King. He had just said it. Man, this is like topical before topical.

Starting point is 01:44:43 These are guys that probably hadn't even heard it. And fucking boom, I got punched hard. You know what? It's weird, you might've been gonna get punched no matter what you said. I think I was getting punched in the head. He was just ready for like, here comes this motherfucker. Have you seen this motherfucker with the flip-flops

Starting point is 01:44:54 and the thing and he's like, fuck this guy. I'll tell you the worst one. The worst one. He just added his name out, but his name's important to the story. Can we, okay. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr You're not gonna find him. Cuban, thick neck, huge arms, big chest, big legs, fastest dude, the most natural athlete I'd ever seen in my entire life.

Starting point is 01:45:30 He's the captain of our baseball team and we are screwing around and he goes, "'Bird Crasher, shut your face." And I go, okay, give me a second. And he doesn't like it. And he goes, quit being a smart ass. I go, well, it's better than being a dumb ass. And he comes back and he starts, quit being a smart ass, like whoa, it's better than being a dumb ass. And he comes back and he starts to fight me,

Starting point is 01:45:46 Sean Kent, Sean Hooker, Troy Kent, Dean Kent, Joe Schwell and Jimmy Cook all get on this guy and they pull him off us, right? And now it's six of us, okay? One guy. One guy, that's how manly this guy was. So we're all warming up, baseball practice, we're warming up and they say,

Starting point is 01:46:06 don't worry, he gets like that sometimes, he gets hot headed. When he comes out, he's probably gonna just apologize to you. You know what he's gonna do? He's probably gonna wanna pull you aside and have a talk with you, because he's the captain of the team. I was like, cool, so we're all gonna tell him to warm up and we're walking back into the dugout

Starting point is 01:46:18 and out comes Freddie with a baseball bat. And we're like, oh, he's probably gonna wanna, he's probably gonna ask you to throw some BP to him. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure. So then they go, we'll give you guys some time. So they five walk away and Freddie just comes up and, no, crap, hits me with a baseball bat. In the head?

Starting point is 01:46:34 And I had nothing in the arm, in the arm. I block it with my arm, I have my glove on and I have a ball in my hand. I'm trying to punch him with a ball in my hand. That's a bruise for like a year? He, it didn't break it. No, no. Five guys. That's a bruise for like a year. One of those deep, it didn't break it. No, no. Five guys.

Starting point is 01:46:47 That's a bruise that's like black purple. Jump on me and him. You know what's so crazy in a fight, you don't feel it in the moment. You feel it later. You're all of a sudden like a day later, you're like why is my ear hurt? No, I never felt, yeah, I never felt.

Starting point is 01:46:59 In any fight where I got beat up, I never really noticed it. You don't notice it. Well, the one thing you notice when you're really getting the shit kicked out of you is that you pee your pants, usually. That's the one thing you notice, you're like, why am I peeing my pants?

Starting point is 01:47:10 Oh, because one dude's choking me on the ground and the other guy is beating me to death. This guy beat up six of us. He beat up six of us. I don't think, I'm not on this guy's side. I think shut your face. I think funny stuff should be funny. Funny stuff is allowed.

Starting point is 01:47:25 Here's the problem. His thing was something else. This is the problem. This is why you gotta be really careful whenever you make jokes about MMA guys because not all MMA guys have senses of humor. You think? I know for a fact.

Starting point is 01:47:36 I know for a fact. Again, doctors always say, fuck with this part of your brain as much as you possibly can. Like whatever you do, if you're gonna fall or hit it thousands of times, make sure it's the frontal lobe, which includes creativity, your name, things like that.

Starting point is 01:47:55 Make sure that like you just keep fucking, keep it awake with solid bone contact. You're supposed to get punched, I'm not a doctor, I'm Batman's doctor and also the Dr. Romento, but you're supposed to get a hard concussion to your head in life, like once. And I believe my friend who's an actual like, neuro guy is like,

Starting point is 01:48:18 it would be better if he didn't get even that one. It would be better. But for sure don't get a bunch. You gotta be careful with MMA guys. you gotta know that they have a sense of humor if you're gonna make jokes because some guys really don't have they're like yeah I don't I didn't do you choose that life if you're like the funniest guy in the room no you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna see if somebody can knee me in the eyeball I you know it's so funny till I either here I die Joe

Starting point is 01:48:43 told me to get into jujitsu because it helps with confrontation. Well, because you feel like it probably brings great calmness. I think it's the idea that you touch, like even the idea of like touching another guy and wrestling with them, makes me uncomfortable. I go, I'd rather just sit in the corner.

Starting point is 01:49:01 The idea is hopefully that you, most things could get settled very quickly. Yeah, I would love just a nice conversation and apology and just go I'm sorry. I never should have said that There's been a couple guys where I like I'll get texts and like yeah, don't make don't make a joke about that guy Yeah, I'm like, okay cool. Never mind guys dead to me Yeah, that's a different thing getting in cages to fight and stuff As much as I love being a dick and also carrying out on people sometimes, but I'm also not a Karen, I don't think.

Starting point is 01:49:34 Is this what all Karen's say, that they don't think they're Karen's? I think so, I think we're all ultimately Karen's. No Karen's think that they're Karen's, they all think that they were the good guy in the story. I was in therapy with my wife and we were talking about rage issues. She's going through menopause.

Starting point is 01:49:46 And my- Oh no, I've met her. No, you, yeah. No, I've met her. And our therapist goes, is there something you can say to her in a moment of rage that'll calm her down? And I went, yeah, let me, like a safe word.

Starting point is 01:50:01 And I go, okay, like, hey, you're acting like a fucking idiot. Is that a good safe word? She's like, no, that would just make her more mad. I go, everything's gonna make her more mad in a rage moment. No one has the wherewithal to be like, you're right, I'm overreacting. Did you enjoy couples therapy?

Starting point is 01:50:14 I love it. Oh, it's good for you. I love it. We just go and the lady basically tells us, like, oh, yeah, he's a fucking lot, and you're, what are you doing? You're fanning his fires, and he's a thing. He's stopping people on the street and fights. I wish we could do couples, couples therapy. He's a fucking lot and you're what are you doing that you're fanning his fires and he's a thing He's stopping people on the street and I should do couples couples therapy. He's a fucking well, that'd be easy Just it's like a swap. No, no, no, I go in with your yeah

Starting point is 01:50:33 Yeah, me you and your like a key party, but you guys go No, we all go to the same therapist and we bring our other therapists and then we all bring it's like a pow-wow It's like an awesome orgy of getting your shit together. Oh, you would you would Love this shit I bring so we compete in therapy. So we've declared when I think that's a good idea Again Batman's doctor Dr. Memento we compete in therapy is not is not what you're it's no my therapist my therapist the other day Literally licensed psychiatrist or therapist. I don't know. what's the question can they prescribe medication oh I want one

Starting point is 01:51:08 of those that's a psychiatrist fuck let's go to a can you do couple psychiatry I can you hmm that's a great question where they go this all you need Santa this all gets sorted out you pick the two best recreational drugs just by chance which I don't think is an accident couple psychiatrists they put you guys on the same drugs. Other than straight up ecstasy, you're like, I don't know, what's good? Xanax, Adderall.

Starting point is 01:51:32 So can you do couple psychiatry? Probably. I actually am not sure if you can. You can do couples therapy. There's no such thing as that. You know, you go to couples therapy. There's not so much to say. You know, you go to couples therapy and it's a lot about you feeling like, well, yeah, oh great, I'm okay.

Starting point is 01:51:51 No, Leanne. Everybody's mad at me. Leanne trains for him. Oh, she's ready. Like she goes, she has a therapist just so she can win couples therapy. Again, the win thing is not. You know what she did the other day?

Starting point is 01:52:00 She goes, we have therapy next, the hint tomorrow. And I said, nice, and she goes, you're going down, and then did double guns. Cha cha, cha cha. Verbatim, not the way that's supposed to go. That's just not, there's no way that's the way that's supposed to go. I smoked her so fucking hard this last therapy.

Starting point is 01:52:17 This is not what you're supposed to be doing anyway. She brought up one that she thought she was gonna win. I'm just glad that we are not mad at those space origin ladies. I think that's a great way to close this podcast out. I think that, now who's the next, like, who's the next? Going to space? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:33 It's got to be someone uncancellable, like 50 Cent. Logically, logically, if this was the ladies group, I think the next group is Aerosmith. They're gonna say Arabs. Just from Arabs. Any Arabs. Aerosmith. I think it's Aerosmith.

Starting point is 01:52:50 Who's the weirdest? It'd be fun to do like the who's the male equivalent to each of these. Like what, who is the weird one? We could do that very quickly. Oh my god. Who is the male equivalent to Gale King? Gale is... It's gotta be like...

Starting point is 01:53:05 Neil deGrasse Tyson. Except he's an actual physicist. But he's also on TV a lot. Who's the other judge? Don Lemon, Don Lemon. Don Lemon. Who's the other Judge Judy who's a guy? Oh, Judge Joe Brown.

Starting point is 01:53:16 Yes, Judge Joe Brown is one. Okay, okay, we're filming our perfect new spaceship. Judge Joe Brown. Oh my God, I'm taking it. Kid Rock. I think we're nailing it. This is a home the bed by the way I like this yeah I like this draft hang on space draft are we doing all dudes yeah yeah dudes I mean I think you got to put you so you need someone who's like super, super, super liberal.

Starting point is 01:53:46 God, I wish Pete Rose were alive. Anderson Cooper. Oh, okay, is he your gal? Yeah, he's probably a gal. He's your gal, right? Yeah, or Al Roker. Oh, that's so perfect. Al Roker would be great. Of course it's Roker.

Starting point is 01:54:00 Al Roker would be great. And it's the same suit and everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He does the same, the whole, Kid Rock, Al Roker and it's the same suit and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah does the same the whole kid rock our Roker judge Joe Brown We need an Asian I literally can I give this is there a go fund me Bobby We send Bobby Lee. Well, there's actually no then it gets good Bobby's actually sent Bobby. No, it's too good It's too good. We got a dial way way way way way back. Let's go way off. No bike. We don't want Top-shelf hilarious what? duck Ken Ken Jeong We gotta dial it way, way, way, way, way back. Let's go way off the, we don't want top shelf hilarious. What?

Starting point is 01:54:27 Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken Ken Jeong. Ken's also really funny. And he's a doctor though, so he could be like, he'll test tampons or something. I know, but he's too, he's too legit. Yeah. You need Asian, oh, what about Scott Lin,

Starting point is 01:54:41 the basketball player, Jeremy Lin? Don't know him, perfect. Okay, yeah. Jeremy Lin, and he's just an advocate for something. Just Don't know him, perfect. Okay, yeah. Jeremy Lin, and he's just an advocate for something. Just rando, yeah, we get randos. And then you need a trust wife, like Lauren Sanchez. Just like, oh, Stedman! Is Stedman still on the scene?

Starting point is 01:55:01 Is he alive? No, he's alive. I just noticed that nobody talks about him anymore. Yeah, whatever happened to Stedman? He definitely got sort of like, you know that thing at a Japanese company where they don't fire you, but they keep moving you into the darkness

Starting point is 01:55:15 and like they put you somewhere weird where you're just looking at a wall and they're like, oh, you're not fired. You just don't, you're not in the sunshine anymore. We'll just let you be. We said Jesse Itzler. Remind me? You know Jesse Itzler?

Starting point is 01:55:28 Remind me? His wife created Spanx. He's an entrepreneur, but he'd be a good guy to go. He created, and he's like, he had David Goggins. There's a solid argument that what Spanx has done for the world, was it a good thing? There's a, I mean. No, no, visually.

Starting point is 01:55:47 Visually, yes. Visually, yes. It is crazy when you get your wife naked, she has Spanx on, and you're like, that's what that was? That's what that was. It is crazy. Because you'll see people and you're like, you are completely, what the, this,

Starting point is 01:56:01 it happens on a lot of bridesmaids, where you're like, all these ladies seem like very normal. Yeah. Yesterday, we had to go to that weird lunch and everybody was normal. Now, and nobody's normal. No. No.

Starting point is 01:56:14 I saw my wife putting- Everybody's got an exoskeleton. Yeah. A sexoskeleton, let's call it. It's a sexy exoskeleton. But it feels like, yeah, it does feel like you're gonna get a lot of like, I mean, you know me, even in my shorts,

Starting point is 01:56:27 it's like Pillsbury, you know when you open the crescent rolls and it, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Yes. Fairness to that. I got a male Spanx top that held your chest in and your stomach in, and it worked, until someone touched you and they're like, did you just have surgery?

Starting point is 01:56:41 And you're like, no. I got a lot of weird ads that're like, did you just have surgery? And you're like, no. I get a lot of weird ads that are like, your man boobs are ruining your life. And I'm like, what? Like, how does my phone know that? I think I have body dysmorphia in the right way, in the wrong way, where I look at my body and I go, nice. And then I'm like, and then everyone's like, not nice.

Starting point is 01:57:04 I saw my wife putting on lotion naked today and I thought to myself Mm-hmm. That's what a woman's supposed to look like. Mm-hmm, but I go that's not what they put it out there And I thought Peter was not that you need a sexo skeleton. Yeah. Yeah, we put that woman in Spanx She looks like a fucking I mean she looks good already but like put her in Spanx and it's a different fucking piece. Mm-hmm, no it's a very different thing. That's what I was wondering, is it a great thing that's happened to the world? I know, we should all just be cool with our bodies.

Starting point is 01:57:32 It's a great question. But also I want to find out where you make the men's thing that does this. I got it at, there was a store in a mall that was made for television, you ever seen that? Sold, what's it called? Oh, I did, I seen on TV. I seen on TV.

Starting point is 01:57:47 It's called literally something like I seen on TV. And I bought it in there and I was like, this works so well. Yeah, it's just weird products that they can't legally sell anymore because something happened. I wore it with a collared shirt because that's when my stomach always is a problem

Starting point is 01:57:58 in collared shirts and I gave a guy a hug and he's like, oh whoa, what happened? Whoa! What are you talking about? And he's like, did you have surgery? Or, I was like, huh? Because it's hard. It's hard as a rock. Yeah and he's like, oh whoa, what happened? What are you talking about? And he's like, did you have surgery? I was like, huh? It's hard. It's hard as a rock.

Starting point is 01:58:07 Yeah, it's what you want. But the question is, so what's a better idea, by the way, I'm getting to a point where I go, do I open a second bottle of wine? What's a better idea, a pill that makes you feel great about your body or a pill that makes your body great? Ooh, that's a great ethical question. I think, zero question, that's a great ethical question. I think, there's zero question,

Starting point is 01:58:28 and here's why this is an instant answer. The one that makes you feel like it's great. Because no matter how great your body gets, you won't feel good about it. Okay, and here's a quick story I'm gonna tell to that end that I think tells a lot about human nature. So I was in a movie a long time ago with Sam Waterston. You know Sam Waterston?

Starting point is 01:58:49 Workingest actor in the history of the world maybe. Sam Waterston, hundreds of movies, hundreds of TV shows. And I was walking across the Paramount lot because I was working on something with Ed Helms and I'm walking with Ed and I see Sam Waterston is coming the other way and I'm like, Sam, he played my dad in a movie. And he's like, Tom, he was great. And he saw me with Ed and I see Sam Waterston's coming the other way and I'm like Sam He'd played my dad in a movie And he's like Tom. He was great. And he and he saw me with Eddie's like, what are you doing here at Paramount?

Starting point is 01:59:10 and I was like, oh, I'm writing a movie for Ed and Sam Waterston said When did you quit acting and start writing? And I was like, oh Sam. I was like I never I Was like I've always been a writer. I was like I never I never quit acting. I just said, oh Sam, I was like, I never, I was like, I've always been a writer. I was like, I never quit acting. I just said, you know, like, acting is just such a ruthless career.

Starting point is 01:59:35 And Sam Watterson said, when I said acting is a ruthless career, Sam Watterson said, you're telling me. And I was like, okay, the actor who's worked the most in the history of the world said, excuse me, what I said was acting is an unreliable profession. And he said, you're telling me, unreliable. And I was like, okay, you've literally worked every day that I thought, so like no matter what level

Starting point is 02:00:01 you think you're at, if you're doing it right, you're probably gonna think that you're not crushing it You're probably gonna think there's a level that you're not at that exists That's I only know that because the working-est actor in the world was like, oh I get it. I was like, oh, yeah That's so crazy. I feel like that was stand-up I always look at stat people coming off stage that are stand-ups and they go I crushed it. I killed it I destroyed then I'm like wait, coming off stage, that are standups and they go, I crushed it, I killed it. I destroyed, and then I'm like, wait, I didn't do that. Who feels that?

Starting point is 02:00:27 Oh, oh, delusional comics. I've never, no. Delusional comics. I always walk off stage, I was like a little fool. I go straight to Facebook, I'm like, did anybody in Cambodia hate the movie? Please tell me if you hated the movie, hated the movie. Oh, everybody hated the movie,

Starting point is 02:00:41 and a lot of times, everybody hated the movie. That's real handy. It's not always hard to find, yeah. Yeah. Dude, thank you for doing this. You're the fucking best. You are the fucking best. You're like my new favorite friend.

Starting point is 02:00:54 Like I really enjoy your brain, and I know that you're so different than I am, that it's like, it's so fun when, I can't wait, I'm gonna watch the following, and the covenant, what's the one with the priests? wait, I'm gonna watch the following and the covenant. What's the one with the priests? Conclave, conclave on the plains. Let's put on a man who would be king.

Starting point is 02:01:11 Man who would be king. And then let's go do that. We just go, take all the money, get all the resources. Dude, there's gotta be a couple countries I could put my hand in. There's some countries where people have never heard of us. At all. Until they do.

Starting point is 02:01:24 Until they do. And then like just someone comes on vacation, like can I get a picture with you? And they're like, how did they know who you were? And you're like. And then they bite your ear and blood comes out. No spoilers. And then they watch our body of work and they're like. These guys are not gods.

Starting point is 02:01:35 This is the guy. This is the guy that conquered our country. Yeah. Reno 911. Fuck this guy. He's a bad teacher. Or they fall in love with you once they see your body of work.

Starting point is 02:01:45 You create, you all of a sudden. That seems very unlikely. He performs with these shirt off. From Boat Trip? From Boat Trip. I'm in Boat Trip. I don't know why we shot it in Cologne, Germany, but we did.

Starting point is 02:02:02 Show business is a struggle, guys. Show business is a struggle, you're telling me. The only easy day in show business was yesterday. You're the best, thank you for doing this man. Love you back brother. Great fucking episode. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the swat, the other wears a shirt.

Starting point is 02:02:19 Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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