2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Dark Side of Clean Comedy w/ Sam Morril | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 208

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Sam Morril joins Tom Segura for this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. They discuss Michael Jordan and the NBA, having to do clean comedy and the dark sides of clean comedians, some of their favorite movies, gambling in Atlantic City, Woody Allen, their writing processes, Tracy Morgan, Tom’s dad Top Dog, Greg Giraldo, Tom’s experience flying with the Blue Angels, and the flight that had to land because a woman had diarrhea on the plane.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

This week on two bears one cave do you mind you city fuck elsewhere? Can you not even the thing of fucking on the handball course? The guy really is just passionate about sports. I don't know he's a bad guy. I should probably be a great man 100% Bert is having a heart surgery this week. And while he's in recovery, we are so happy that Sam Morrill is here, everybody. Don't forget that you can see Sam at the theater at Madison Square Garden on November 4th, get tickets at SamMorrill.com. You can also listen to his podcast.

We might be drunk with the great Mark Norman and his latest special, same time tomorrow is currently streaming on Netflix. That's a lot of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool, dude, you're doing the fucking garden. I know, I'm nervous and pumped, but yeah, that's like, I'm a 90s nix kid,

so that's, and I still got a shitload nix kid. Yeah, you're like a legit fan. I love the nix more than any, is that your number one? Yeah, I mean, I'mload next year. Yeah, you're like a legit fan. I love the next more than any. That's not your number one? Yeah, I mean, I'm a New York sports fan, but the nicks are like up here. Were you in the city growing up, or were you in Manhattan?

I was in Manhattan. Yeah, I always feel like, I don't know, that's like kind of the coolest thing to hear. Like when you're a kid, and you're living in like the Midwest, you meet a kid and like, I live in New York, you're like, what the fuck? That sounds like make believe. I love it, yeah, it was the best. you meet a kid like, I live in New York, you're like, what the fuck? That sounds like make believe.

I love it. Yeah, it was the best. I had a good childhood. Yeah. The 90s nicks were the coolest shit I've ever seen. And they never won, but it didn't matter. It's not about winning. It's about losing the way they lost. They were still fuck you up.

I remember it because I was, I was heaviest into the NBA in that era. For obvious reasons, like it just age-wise, it aligned, and it also was like the best. I mean, we were living at one point, we lived in Minneapolis, so I would go to, I went to the very first Timberwolves game ever. Holy shit.

Yeah, against the bulls, so I saw Jordan beat the new Timberwolves, and then we moved to Milwaukee, and I got to see, I went to a number of bucks games, but I got to see him play there twice and win both times, of course. But so that whole era was like, that's when like the NBA was like, I used to love watching that show on the, you know, the one that I'm on. A modern show hosted like just sucking off Michael Jordan. And I'm going to have every day.. He was like my best friend, Michael Jordan. Like does he call you his best friend?

Yeah, no. It feels like. But I also saw everybody who would talk to Michael turn into like such betas. Yeah. Like the time that I flew with Mike Tyson, the one thing that I don't talk about in the bit really is that when he sat down and I saw him,

these two guys, these two just like older white guys, we're like, hey, how you doing, Mike? And they just start, you can just see, they were like, I own a car dealership, if you ever want a car, I'll give it to you. And like the other guy was like, I have a restaurant, if you want to eat forever, they just start, they don't know what to do, I get it,

because you kind of want to just like- You just want them to like you. That's it, so you're just trying. It's celebrity plus you could beat the shit out of it. Yeah. And you're just like, and you're just like, I, you're going, I acknowledge that you're a better man. You know, you're like, you're just signing off on it right away.

You're better than me. Is there anything I could do? I know. I know. I met Jalen Brunson at a Rangers game this year. And I was with like, I brought like Gary Vita with me, Rachel Feinstein Liz, who's the seller manager. Yeah. And we're there there and I just turned into a fucking pussy I don't know I'm not usually bad like this, but I went up to him

I was like thank you so much for coming to the nix and he was like, uh-huh and Liz had to like swoop in and be like He's a comedian with a Netflix special and he was like, oh cool. Oh my god. I was blowing it that hard that hard Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sucked. There's something about pro, especially athletes that you like, I saw Barry Sanders once, and I fucking, it was at an ATM. It's like the last place you're supposed to approach the line's been paying enough.

No, I was like, I was like, hey, he was like, looking, I was like, you're the greatest of all time. And he was like, thank you. And I was like, can we take a picture? I mean, I totally turned into a fan girl dude. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. And we have a photo where he's like, no, thanks.

Well, that's like your face when you're with like an open mic, or is like, can I take a picture with you? And you're like, you know, but they're like, all right. Yeah, they're like, okay, dude. But that, I remember so well that Nick's era because I remember you, Starks, Oakley, Mason. I love time. Dude.

That was, remember that I even remember the deaf jam episode where Anthony Mason's in the crowd. No, but I heard about that. And they used to all go to Caroline's and shit, dude. And they, whoever, who was they clowned him so I mean, they obviously know he's there, but they make it seem like they're just clown and Anthony Mason and then the lights come on them And you know, and they would clown people so hard on that show But it was yeah, it was pretty epic. He was I loved I loved him

So I shot a commercial with oak that never came out, but it was such a bad commercial But it was a commercial for it was just like a joke ad for bleacher report You know, but it was like pretty good money at the time for me. And I remember being like, they're like, you get to shoot it with an NBA player. I was like, oh, who? And they're like Charles Oakley. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

I loved him. So, yeah, we spent the whole day together. And I met him once before when I had a show on MSG on the next network. And it was right after he got thrown out of the garden. And I put the mic up to him. And he just sees the MSG mic and he just smacked it out of my hand

and I was like, dude, I fucking love you. I'm not, you know, I'm showing this network but I'm a fan too and he was like, all right, fine. So he was kind of warming up after that and I saw him on Chopped because he cooks, that's his whole thing. He does? He's like a legitimate chef.

Charles Oakley? Dude, he's part of Michael Jordan's entourage. His entourage is like, Oakley, he's like, I'm your chef and bodyguard essentially. Yeah, cause like Oak, it's known that like the two of them were always super close. Those tie, yeah. So I started talking food with him,

he started warming up and then we just, he didn't remember me from that, thank God. And then I shot a commercial with him and he was, he was fucking cool. He was really, I was just like, man, I love the 90s nicks and I love basketball because you guys and he was like, thank you man. So we had a good day, but he can't really act

and there was a child actor in it and the kid was running circles around and was pretty rough to the point that like, we had to keep calling cut, cut and the director kept babying Oakley like, you're doing great and Oakley was like, no, I'm not. And I was like, yeah, cut. And the director kept babying Oakley like, you're doing great and Oakley's like, no, I'm not. And I was like, yeah, you can.

He's used to a coach. Yeah, you can't lie to him. So I kind of went in and I was like, what if you give the kid all these lines and Oak just says yes. And he was like, yeah, that works. And Oakley was like, thanks. So I got him like, I got him like, I'm directing.

He was a legit. And you always had to to think about everybody else. When you talk about how great someone is, when people talk about Jordan, right? And they're like, this is how great this guy was. Yeah. Remember, he's great against people who would murder everybody. If you played one on one against fucking John Starks, he would just destroy you, right? And then the worst player on his team is probably the best player in their high school.

Totally. But then everybody from that era talks about what a legit intimidator Oakley was. Yeah. And so like how intimidating must he be? Or must he have been in that time? If those guys who are all like fucking six, they're like buildings walking around

and they're like, why don't want any part of Charles Oakley. Like, he must have been terrifying. Yeah, I think he just didn't give a fuck too. Yeah, he's huge. He's like six, nine. He's fucking handsomed guy, too, he's aging well. Yeah, he looks good.

Yeah. I bet he got a lot of pun in the 90s. All those guys. There's stories about him doing like blow with Donald Trump in the 90s at like night clubs and you're like, those dudes are getting a lot of ass. And there's no social media, no cameras on phones. No, nothing.

Yeah, they're just like, you just see them, they'd be like, that was it. You'd be like, I saw that and they'd be like, whatever. That was a man, dude. That was the era. That was the era, dude. Think about the tale that an MJ had access to. Yeah, and then they would like still is the people

that every one of the team banged. Like I think the bulls they all fucked Madonna. Jesus. I think it was like Rodman, Pippin and Jordan. All did? They all did. God, when you loved it here, a scouting report from her after that.

Like, like, because what like the ultimate alpha is MJ. Yeah. And it's like, I bet she's like, I mean like the ultimate alpha is MJ. Yeah. And it's like, I bet she's like, I mean, you know, he's kind of laid there. I think Pippin had a bigger dick though. Pippin supposedly fucked four times a day for 23 years or something. Wow. That's what his wife, his ex-wife said. Yeah, that, he must have cheated on her a lot.

Like we all hear now like that she's, I mean, what she's doing now is fucked up. That's scandalous. Fucking, it is Michael Jordan's foul. That's the sole shit that I've ever heard. That's like, do you have an enemy that you can picture? And, but also like that was who he called Auntie when he was a kid.

Like he'd be like, hey Auntie, you know? And she would go like, hey, I got you a Coke. You know, like it was like that relationship. It's so strange. It's so strange. Yeah, it's also, it was like that relationship. It's so strange. It's so strange. Yeah, it's also, it's just weird to be Michael Jordan's son. Yeah, for people that don't know about you, is that you fuck Pippins XY.

For people that don't know, Michael, one of Michael Jordan's sons, Marcus, Marcus, who runs a fucking, like the trophy room, a shoe, a fucking shoe place in Orlando, he is now engaged to Scotty Pippin's ex-wife. I mean, picking a Jordan or not on good terms. Right, the fallout apparently all started

during the last dance, right? Yeah. Like, I guess, well, not in the making, it's like when it came out, Pippin voiced that he was like not thrilled with the way it was. Yeah, I get what he's coming from. But then also now, then Pippin, like, he's not subtle about it, he'll go on shows and be like,

I just feel like LeBron is better than Jordan and be like, you didn't say that two years ago. Yeah. It's feeling like you're fucking pissed. And now like, holy shit, I can't imagine how much this dude hates. Jordan right now. Well, this is just It's just strange man. It's very strange. Yeah, she's really the villain. I feel like I mean, what do you like? I understand he cheated on you, but he was an NBA player. You know, you know the deal

It's not I'm not defending him, but you you have an NBA star. He's gonna fuck Madonna Yeah, he but then you know you can't fuck his I'm not defending him, but you have an NBA star. He's gonna fuck Madonna. Yeah. But then, you know, you can't fuck his enemy's son. It's really his and it says former like those two are linked together forever. Jordan and Pippin, you know, like that. And you're going for his son. Yeah. It's just it's gross.

The wedding will be weird. It's going to be weird, man. It's so straight like how old is she? She looks great. I'm just amazing. Yeah, late 40s probably. And he's like 30 maybe, right? Probably. Yeah. Early 30s. Yeah. Yeah, let's see. He is 32. Yeah, um, yeah, let's see. He is 32. Okay, and how old is Larissa? Larissa. She is 49. All right. Yeah, I mean, that's almost a 20 year age gap. Yeah. Yeah. A TV personality. What TV show is she on? Is she on the Y, like one of those wives, the wives?

God, it's like, I really resent these. Oh, she's on the real housewives. There you go. This is insane. Fucking Pippin got fucked on his contract too. I know, it was like, it was shit. But then he got made up for it a little bit, but yeah, that's some fucking, yeah.

And it's some dark shit too, because it was, because his brother was handicapped, right? And his dad was sick or something, and he was like, I just got to take the guarantee. It was just, he didn't, I don't know who was advising him. Somebody gave him shit advice, but the worst part is you're watching that last dance thing. Yeah.

And the owner is like, he's like, yeah, he said he was a sign. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Tell him that it's a horror deal. I'm like, like hearing Hessian, the soprano's defend what he did to our B groups in the 60s. You're like, you're a fucking bad dude. It's not good man. Yeah.

It's really not good. Yeah, I don't know. from the 60s, you're like, you're a fucking bad dude. Not good, man. It's really not good. Yeah, I don't know. For me, I really, for a while there, I lost interest completely in the NBA. Yeah. Yeah, after 2000, I was like, mm, and now I kind of like,

I become like a casual as they say, you know? And like, I watched the highlights and stuff, but that, for me, that decade was just. It was epic. Yeah, for sure. No, I love it still, but that decade was formative for me. The difference for me now is that I've gone to a few games live, and I think there's no league that does the live experience better than the NBA. I agree. So like when I go to those games, I'm like, I can get really good. I don't want to go to a football game anymore And I know that's like sounds crazy to them. I could I love watching football. I'll watch every game

But like do you see what happens like there's like women beating up women there and there's not like fun cat fights It's like they're like punching their fucking head in and like I don't want to see a woman from Cincinnati Just break a Baltimore woman's face. I know, it's not like hot cat fighting. It's like, they cat fight dogs. I know, and it's also like, I mean, look, it's what you like, but I've been to a few live, and you're just like, you're always looking like who's above you?

There's people spilling drinks. There's people like saying the wildest shit, and you know, you're like, sometimes I'm like, man, I'm glad I didn't bring my kid to this here in these guys. You fuck a pussy piece of shit, like screaming it, and you're like, I sometimes, I'm like, man, I'm glad I didn't bring my kid to this. Here in these guys, you fuck a pussy piece just screaming it and you're like, okay. Like, can we just watch the game? You can't.

So, let's talk to that. I walked that line too, because I do like when people say horrible shit is sport in the past two, because that's like the 90s kid in me, well, I remember just hearing shit where you're like, why, you can't say that anymore. But, yeah, they started tailoring these games

to families too much. I feel like sometimes we'll be at the game and it's like, it's like, it's like, oh, the fucking, the mascot's like, I'm literally like, you think Barney the dinosaur. And I'm like, I do wanna see some, some bad language at a sport event. Yeah.

I remember being at a game with my friend and it was a next game where like the nose bleeds. And he was just like, dude, I'm titty fucking this girl. And this woman next to us was like, do you mind? I was like, that's fair. That is fair with her kids. That's fair.

You're titty fucking elsewhere. Can you not? I was also at a Metz game once and I just heard a fucking, I heard the dad say John OlaRood strikes out, look and he goes, swing the bat you fucking gayslur. Uh-huh. And you're just like, all right.

I mean, that's, that's old New York, I guess. Yeah, that's old New York. Yeah. That ain't good. But I mean, I've got a kid with him, too. Right. And that's also the guy really is just passionate about sports. I don't think he's a bad guy.

He's probably a great man. Yeah. I don't think he's a terrible man. The worst was actually, I went, my friend's dad was coaching in college for a while, so we would go to some college games. It was the other college students. Because you forget, you're out of college. It's just a kid who's fucking like 19 who's getting hammered for the first time in his

life. And now he's got like a cause. He's like, I'm a fucking son devil or whatever. And you know, he just is gonna just, if he's near you, you're just like, oh, we should just move sections or something. That's my only issue with like the live football game is like no one's tailgating basketball games, right?

Like this is a full day. So you're like, that dude's had like six screwdrivers already, seven beers, whatever. He's in the stadium. You can't pre-game that hard for a sporting event. Like, look, I pre-game, I'll fucking have a few drinks. But like, we're adults now. That's like college age, crazy drinking.

And it's too much for me to be around now. We're also around, we were around drunks. We didn't want to be around for years just coming up in the clubs. Where you're like, this is overwhelming. Horrible. I don't want to be a hot-suit. Maybe hate drunks, we didn't want to be around for years just coming up in the clubs. Yeah. Where you're like, this is overwhelming. Horrible. I don't want to be a hostage. It may be hate drunks so much.

I know. Maybe hate anybody that can't handle their alcohol. Me too, and I was drunk. Yeah. I was a self-hating drunk. Yeah. But it was like, they were the worst. And the thing I also found is that like a box seat

while, you know, so nice or whatever, it's like, you don't feel like you're at the game anymore. No. It's too removed. So if like, I've sat in the or whatever, it's like, you don't feel like you're at the game anymore. It's too removed. So like, I've sat in the box and you're just like, oh, I should just be home. I know, fuck that. No. It's too, it's too removed.

It's awful. We got hooked up a few times for those like, courtside nicks tickets. And I remember one time Anthony DeVito and I were behind Tracy Morgan, which is like the greatest, that's the greatest person to sit behind. Cause he's screaming the whole game and it makes no fucking sense. Yeah. It was, I remember Michael Beasley for the next

just having the game of his life and Tracy Morgan just turns behind and looks at us and he goes, real animals eat meat. And we're like, I don't know what the fuck that means, but this is amazing. Like Tracy Morgan, man. Yeah. Yeah. And we're just like, yeah. So cool to just watch a game with Tracy Morgan. You remember finger fucking on the handball courts? That's a Tracy line.

I want you to come out of the cellar once and and Louis CK is walking right by him and as they're walking by, Louis just gets off stage and Tracy goes, I hope you left some meat on that pussy for me. And Louis, like I most certainly left some meat on that pussy for you. Yeah, absolutely. for me. And Lou is like, I'm most certainly less than me than that person for you. Yeah. Absolutely. Not crazy is like, I mean, that dude's like one of the funniest humans ever. Yeah. Just with just with his natural cadence and speech. It's you can't, I watch all 30 rocks. I'm

like, this is like insane. How funny you are. I heard right after the crash happened when he was in that Walmart crash, I heard comments talking at the seller table and I just over her Chris Rocco people like is he gonna be okay? And Chris goes of course he's gonna be okay. It's not like Tracy's comedy relied on precision The best description I've ever heard of Tracy's true like shit Yeah, he's gonna be okay, and then I remember we were like I hope already Fuqua like you know We know we all love it the seller. Well, he's not he was in the crash too I hope we didn't blow all his money on something dumb. And right as we say that, he rolls up

in like a fucking Ferrari. We're like, oh cool, all right, this will be gone soon. He must have got paid. Yeah, yeah, I think he did pretty well. Yeah, yeah, it's Tracy. I saw Tracy, so he was kind of off the scene for a good bit. And then when he was like, hey, he's back, I was doing one of those like,

amphitheater, you know, 10 comic lineup shows. And I got driven there from the hotel in like a suburban, and we pull around and I'm like, who's white rolls Royce's that? With a driver in it, and that outstepped tracy in all white. It's a driver from the Walmart crash. He's just sentenced to drive tracy around here. That's his fucking penance.

He's in all white with the most massive gold chain and huge medallion on it. I'm like, are you performing in that? He's like, of course. And then, yeah, he's sweat through that thing. So it looked like he was wearing, like, it looked like he had the ocean, you know? It's just like stuck to his body. I was like, this is wild. Yeah.

Oh, I love him. And his set was insane. Yeah, he's insane. I love the people that would go see him on, you know, when he was on SNL expecting it to be like a clean show. Oh, yeah. And they're just like two minutes in.

They're like, this is not for us. Oh, yeah. Like they're just there. He's like, you know, when you get your ass eating on a Tuesday. And you're like, what? And you're like, what? And you man's drunk on the floor, you step over and what's up, Kevin?

Pick yourself up. And you're like, what the fuck? And they're like, we were expecting SNL shit. Yeah, he's the best. I mean, I heard it was the same shit with JB, people who would expect him to be like Leon from curb and you're like, yeah, watch one of his fucking standup sets. That's not who he is. That when I did, did you ever do juniors and eerie? No, but that was a clean club, right? That was a clean club. Never. So I tried to. That was like, right? That was a clean club. Never. So I tried to.

That was like on my head, a list of clubs that would hit up and they just, they never got back to me. So I first worked it as a feature. Yeah. And I remember my agent at the time was like, all right, you got, you know, you know, whatever. It's like $100 a show. You got to work clean. And I'm like, he's like, you can do that, right?

I'm like, yeah, it's like 20 minutes. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. So I make it like a, you like, you can do that, right? I'm like, yeah, it's like 20 minutes. I'm like, yeah. So I make it like a, you know, almost like a challenge and you're trying to like tweak words and, oh, don't do this bit, do that bit. Just destroying your set. I do, yeah.

And like as you arrive, by the way, like they pick you up from the airport, they're like, hey, you know it's clean, right? And you're like, yeah, my agent told me. And then they like drop you off at the hotel and they're like, don't forget, it's a clean set. You're like, I got it. And then they pick you up and they're like, don't forget, it's a clean set. You're like, I got it. And then they pick you up, and they're like,

don't forget, you gotta work clean. I'm like, what the fuck, how many times are you gonna say this? And then, you know, you, first set, you do it, and you're like, all right. That's Tracy Morgan, by the way. You keep it with it. Well, the funny thing is, like, I got through it,

and they were like, all right, you know, and like you, you did that, you're able to work clean. And I was like, all right, you know, and like you did that, you're able to work clean. And I was like, hey, I don't recognize, this is at the time I'm just meddling. I'm like, I don't recognize anybody on your upcoming acts, you know? I was like, why don't you get like some of the New York guys

and they're like, who? And I started to list people, you know, like, Draldo and a tell, people, you know, like a Draldo and a tell and, you know, like, just like all the guys that I know from New York, I'm like, and she was like, are they clean? And I was like, no. And she was like, oh, then I don't want them. And I was like, okay. So fast forward a couple of years, you know, and now you're just trying to get the work you can get. Yeah. And I get the offer to go back there And they're like well, you know, you have to do like 45 do an hour clean

You think you can do that and I again look at it like as a challenge and I'm like okay like book it so I get there and They are like all right. Don't forget, you know, you got to be like yeah, no, it's very clear. I know So at one point like after one of the shows, I get off stage and the ladies like, she's like, oh, the man owner wants to see you in her office, I'm like, what's up? She's like, did you say penis?

And I go, what? She's like, did you say penis on stage? And I go, yeah, I go, how do you know that? She's like, well, somebody told me, so she had like staff, tattletailing. And I go, just fucking you know that? She was like, well, somebody told me, so she had like staff, towel-telling, and I go. She's fucking snitches in there. I go, penis is the anatomically correct term. She was like, fine.

Like, she'd let it go. And I'm like, all right. And then I'm sitting there with the other guy that works there. And I'm like, hey, man, what is with the degree that you guys are doing this to? He's like, that's just what she likes. It's what she likes, and it's just important to her.

And then he tells me a straight up street joke with the N word in it. And I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, very cool. Does this work on stage? And I ask him, I'm like, have you ever had this somebody not be able, have you ever had to like fire someone? He's like, oh yeah, what's that guy?

J.B. Smooth. Oh! I go, what happened? He goes, well, you know, we told him, we told him. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it. And like, you know, and like they go through the whole thing, you know, you know how to do it, right? He's like, I know how to do it.

He goes, like two minutes in. He's like, motherfucker, this motherfucker, that motherfucker, this so he gets off stage and we're like, I know how to do it. He goes, like two minutes in. He's like, motherfucker this, motherfucker that, motherfucker this. So he gets off stage and we're like, what the hell? And he's like, what? And they go, we said clean. He goes, how am I supposed to work, man? And they were just like, hit, get out of here.

They just, they fired him. And the crowd is clearly hungry for like, one curse. They just want, yeah, they don't give a fuck. It's just like, it was her mission to make it. You know what I mean? Like a personal mission. I don't, I never got that.

We've all done those like corporate gigs too. We'd like to like be clean. Yeah, and you're like, I got this. And then a minute and you're like bombing, you're like, fuck it, I'm doing my, I'm doing my Teddy fuck chunk. Let's do this. Yeah, I was Teddy fucking out of football, man.

I had that happen the other night on state. I'm at the cellar and a woman, I did a bit about going down on a woman. It wasn't even like a dirty version. It was like a pretty clean version of that. And she stood up like, this is fucking disgusting. I was like, I didn't actually do it in front of you. It's a joke.

I'm not just saying I ate a pussy. And she, she and her husband get up and give me the finger. And this, the best part is the husband tries to pull his pants down to moon me as they're getting kicked out I'm like you call me you call my joke discussing you're trying to show me your old bear ass. Yeah, they were like in their 60s What yeah, it was pretty gross just for doing this bit. They were yellow skin I mean like tan from the sun not Asian. I don't mean like a fat. That was you know what I meant there They're ill actually so yeah like sorosis Like, sorosas. They're dying.

But they, no, they were fucking trash bags. It was, it's amazing. It's amazing the shit that, the inconsistency, that guy telling you an N word joke, and then he's like, you got to be clean as a state. Casually. He wasn't like, I got something to say. He was like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was like, okay. I was like, this is part of your, make sure you stay clean speech.

Cool. Yeah, such a fucking people. Everyone's got their, everyone's got their weird line. Yeah, you know, everyone's like, I feel like everyone, especially those comedy clubs starting out there, so many of them are awesome and so many have these like weird power trips. Yeah, where it's like run by some guy who like,

quit comedy and now hates comedy, but owns a comedy club. Sure. Yeah, the ones who like, used to do comedy have the strangest and most strict lines. Because they're full of bitterness usually. Yeah. And then they're like, everything sucks.

And then they have something that they like that doesn't really add up to you. And, but it's all based on the fact that they used to do it, you know. Yeah, the clean shit I never got. I mean, that's like what I feel like comedy, that's the direction it's going in that scares me is now anytime you post a bit that's not clean, it just gets buried because there's all these, you know, social media apps are trying to just get ad sales. So it's like, you have this like social media robot that detects like, oh, this is a bad word. Yeah. Even if you're making fun of the bad word, it just buries you now. So

you're like, oh, shit, this is like this sucks for the next wave of comics who we're trying to get discovered. Sure. By, you know, circumventing this, you know, industry that won't give them a special out of the gate. And now they can't get their jokes out there for free if it's a darker joke because maybe they're a darker comic and that sucks that they can't. Because you know, especially like meta, all these ones are getting so fucking Instagram. They're getting so. Is nobody over there, I mean, they have to be on to the fact that the bots are out of control.

At a control. Why isn't that addressed? I don't mean like, how is there not something way beyond my concept ability to describe the word, it can, you know what I mean, mitigate this thing? We're like, you post something. It's like, 50 things about like Sandra's wealth. Like, you know, I know.

I, my life turned around when I met Sandra, and it's fucking 50 times in the comments. The same women who are like, I'm horny. I'm like, you're not fucking real. Don't look at my page. Yeah, that's a big one. Don't look at me. I'm gonna put this he's so wet right now.

It's under some guy announcing his cancer. I have cancer. My pussy's so fucking, I'm squirting. Don't go to my stories It's so fucked it stage four the doctor says I don't have a chance. I'm dripping. I'm dripping wet No, where were you last night? I was just in San Tony. I was in Texas. We do shows now Just hanging with a girl. I'm saying nice. Yeah. I did a yoga class. It was cool You know it was crazy actually the end of the end of the class, the instructor. You think, you know what's crazy?

You think you know people's lives, and then they say shit that's like, that blows you away, that's the instructor just goes, you know, it was a really hard day. It was like a regular class, and she goes, this is a hard day for me because I was a flight attendant on 9-11, and I was in the air during it, and we just kept circling and circling, and we didn't know it was gonna happen, and I just hope you take this with you and I was so

so ready for it to be like fuck Islam. Yeah yeah yeah but she was like no we have to stay together and I was like oh that's better damn but that's crazy right you know I think about that all the time now is like by the way whenever they do this at the end I've been doing yoga lately because my neck's fucked up and it's like saving me. And there's a girl that likes to do it. Yeah, that helps. That definitely helps. But I've been going on my own as well because my neck is fucked up and it helps me.

And dude, whenever they, I always think of like, you know whenever they say, just let out whatever's bothering you right now, I just picture the instructor just once being like, Jews, Jews. Jews are bothering me. I just think it was funny about like a racist, but also like centered Zen person.

And then who just like, and then says it and then just stays quiet. I'm really, really looking around. And you're like, guys, just ones I want the instructor to be like, Biden eats babies. You guys good. We're good But I

Know it Just letting it out Feels I feel better now anybody else feeling that everyone's like I don't like They're bothering me too Fuck is is the greatest girl lived out there. Yeah, we know about in New York as well. Oh both. Yeah, is the girl lived on there? Yeah, we know about in New York as well. Oh, both. Yeah.

Oh, cool. Yeah, you got a place there in New York. How long you guys been seeing each other? A few months. All right. Yeah, it's good stuff. Yeah, I think it's good. It's great.

Yeah, it's fun. She's got a dog and this like dog is so fucking tiny. It's like a 16 year old pug with like a hint of Chihuahua. It's the conneous dog you've ever seen. Dog was living on the street for like a Y on LA. It's got one eye. Yeah. But you know, she's crazy and we're worth the vet with the duck because she's so fucking old. She's got like three, she tries to bite everybody. She's got three teeth left. Like it does, she's been me like eight times. I'm like, it feels like a lick, it's sad. They think they're tough still.

They've got it. But vets are like good people. They are. Because if you're a vet, you get into, you get into that because you love animals. Doctors don't get into medicine because they love humans. No, they're just thinking about

I could probably have a really good career. Or the ration. Yeah. And they don't want to disappoint their parents. That's really what it is, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's like money. But that's like I love animals.

Yeah. It's pretty awesome. Was she in comedy? No, thank God. I can't. Was she a fan? No, I mean, she knew my comedy, but I'm going to say like a fan. Okay.

Now, I would think that that's the best for realistic dating is someone not a fan. I would, it's awful. Yeah, that's terrible. You're only gonna disappoint them. If you're starting here, you're only going, I mean, every relationship starts here. So you don't want to fucking be starting like here because now you're going down here.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's fucking horrible. No, because we all know guys who have been like seeing someone who was like a fan. I'm like, that's crazy. It's so weird. I mean, how many comics do we know? There are like mid 50s who their girlfriends like 23.

And we know a few. Yeah, a few. And they're like, I don't get how it didn't work out. I'm like, really? You don't understand? Like the math? You understand that? You're like, no, they like guys my age.

I'm like, yeah, for a minute. Yeah, no. That's not a fucking long-term solution. Most of the time, most of the times, girls that are 23, like, guys that are around 23, most of the time. That's what they're attracted to. Usually, yeah, usually. Sometimes they're like older guys, but I just think it's like, yeah, it's not a good,

no, long-term game plan. I don't think so. No. And I, you know, I don't think I, like, I definitely, I think of all people that I know, I could not be with somebody who was like, pick fan, I'd be like, don't even talk to me. I couldn't, I couldn't do it. Yeah, you want them to not know who you are. That's the best way.

Also, it's like not hot for someone to like you. Yeah, it's like, I mean, there's something like, as a dude, don't you wanna challenge or you wanna, I wanna like work for it a little bit. Sure, that's a big reason I don't understand. RIP. Don't you think? Lay it out for me.

What was like Cosby's famous Andy's. Yeah, I know. Pick one. No. It should be, like if you can't get laid in your famous, but that thing, I think the big, the thing about Cosby doing that is what, because people would go,

couldn't you just get laid like you're that famous? Of course. And the answer is, of course. But it's power. The thrill was that he enjoyed repping people that were asleep. Of course. So that's what was fun.

But it feels darker to me when you're doing that and you're famous and rich and powerful. Of course. I guess also because you can cover it up and it seems super more villainous, you know? Yeah. We didn't get away with it. Right.

Because that was the other thing. And then he also would do the thing where he would then posture as the like, you need to really live your life a certain way. And a clean comedian. Clean. He would have killed it fucking juniors. Oh, he would have absolutely been like,

I don't fucking added 15 shows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's so crazy. 15 shows, 14 allegations tour. That's, he just won off, he's tired. Dude, yeah, he takes, yeah, that's the thing. It's like, they don't care.

It's always a clean comics. The thing comics are the scariest. The scariest. Yeah, because there's the same type of dude you meet who's just like, hey buddy. Yeah, those types of dudes who are like too friendly. Yeah, I was wearing loud shirts. I was like, what's with all the color, man?

Why don't you fucking dial it down a little bit? If you're a fucking, you shouldn't be peacocking. Yeah, you should be like a lot of purple, man. Yeah, the clean cares the thing, the clean comics, no matter what, are hiding something. I always feel like when people are like, oh, you know, this filthy comic, I'm like, that guy is so much sweeter than you know.

That stuff he does on stage, it's crazy and dirty and whatever, but the real guy, he's putting it out there. In other words, all the demons are coming out. Yeah. But the guy who was just talking about like fucking cookies and like breakfast to you, like, I don't know about this dude. You guys like gogirt?

That guy is so scary. Yeah, there's something I remember, if I women I'd take a shit about like doing certain bits. I remember I've had like bits with like, you do that bit and I'm like, you have it, I'm nice to you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a performance though, too.

You know, like even like when you're, if you're like whatever you're saying, however crazy it is, it's like you're still on stage doing a thing, you know. Dude, I think about that all the time. Like people get mad. I got so many fucking nasty tweets over like a 9-11 joke. And I'm like, yeah, motherfucker, I was in the city that day. I got in line to donate blood.

You think I fucking think 9-11 was funny? I'm gonna make jokes about it. You make jokes about anything. So I hate this idea that like, because someone won't joke about something and you will that you don't care about it. You know, maybe I care even more about it. And that's why I'm making jokes about it.

And also I think like just because we can agree on stuff, but maybe we have a different idea on what's funny versus what can't be funny. Comedians will make anything funny. The weirdest is, have you ever met or heard from a comedian that is vocal about that's not funny? Like that's not something to joke about? Oh, they're traders.

There's a few that come to mind immediately, where I'm like, do better. Do better, Mr. comedian. They're like, and they speak up. I've seen, do better. Do better, Mr. comedian. And they speak up, I've seen them speak up. They're like, this was not okay to joke. You're like, huh? We're the ones who are like gnarx and they're like trying to like bust you.

Yeah. The ones who are like, we see what you're doing. Yeah. And you're like, dude, yeah, they're jokes. It's called touring and working on our acts. This is, yeah, I don't get it. But it's, thank God, that's the thing about Twitter, all those apps or whatever is, you know,

you will leak into people's timelines who are like, I fucking hate you. And that's cool. That means you're actually reaching people. So it's good. It is like a comedy club where like, they're just opening the door and being like, oh fuck you.

And you're like, okay, that would be weird, right? That's weird. So, but, but you're like, okay, that would be weird, right? So, but, but you're right, when it's comics, it feels like it's like a dude wearing a wire or something. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's strange. It's very strange. Cause I remember I got in trouble over a joke

and I remember a comic I knew writing something kind of trashy me being like, oh shit, like I'll never forget that. Like I'll be cool to you, but I'll never forget. I'll never be cool with you. Yeah, I'll be like pleasant to you, but I'll never like you. Yeah, of course. Because I know that you'll go whichever way

is like the tide is turning. Do you have something where like you go, I, when you think about it, you go, I guess I don't joke about that. Like it's like your own personal line. I don't think so, because I think maybe the only way I would go that way with a line is if it's, if it's so recent that I'm emotional about it

and it's not funny yet, but I think it'll be funny in a couple of weeks. So I think for me, the only way it's like, oh, if I care too much about something, I feel like it's reading that way on stage and it's not funny enough, you had just like two role. So, you know, you have a breakup or something, sometimes a joke that you find funny or so dark that they're not translating, you had just like, too raw. So, you know, you have a breakup or something, sometimes a joke that you find funny or so dark,

that they're not translating, the crowd just like, aw, and you're like, that's not fucking helping. You know, so I think something you need, like, that's a good point. A couple months. You need distance. Yeah, I've noticed, like, I guess they see it. I've reacted negatively to watching something

if it's super fret, You know what I mean? Like day of, you know, like I'm like, like I'm saying as a spectator, as a consumer. And also I've so many times done the thing where I think this is funny. And the audience is like, you're like, that's great that you go for it. I think like, I think that if you don't,

the day you stop going for it is, that's it people don't understand. Like what else am I gonna get a rush out of? That's the biggest rush. It's like, okay, it's either that or I'm fucking doing below after the show in a fucking motel six. So you know what I mean? Like I need, for me the rush is,

I'm gonna try this fucked up joke and it works. Oh my God, I got them to laugh at something horrible. And that's like unifying in a weird way. Especially when the country is so divided. If we can come together and laugh on a fucking despicable subject, it's like weirdly bringing people together. There's nothing more exciting.

If the thrill of a, something new, new is always like so exciting. Be fucked up and new, like if it's dark. And then when you get someone to reluctantly, like someone doesn't want to laugh, and you can tell that they're like shaking their head, and then they start laughing, you're like, this is like the biggest rush of all.

That's what got me in the comedy. I remember listening to Chris Rock's album, Roll with the new, and like so many fucked up premises that he just murders the punchline on, and my mom sees me laughing and she grabbed my headphones to see, so it was a kid. And she puts the headphones on, and I just see this look of horror on her face,

like followed by her laughing. And I was like, that's fucking beautiful that a joke can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but yeah, dude, I remember I did a joke, I think it was like a day or two after the Boston bombing. And of course I was like furious when I saw that shit, like I have family in Boston, I remember I did a joke. I think it was like a day or two after the Boston bombing. And of course I was like furious when I saw that shit. Like I have family in Boston, I love Boston.

And I said something like, it was the biggest pop of God. It's not even a great joke, but it was just so fucking fresh. Fresh. I think they heard me go into it and the crowd was like, fuck this shit. But I said, man, that made me sad when I saw that.

Because my first thought was me and my brother, we don't do anything together anymore, you know? And that fucking crush. Although I'll tell you, certain jokes don't, this is fucked up. I did, so I totally have been doing yoga on the road. I did a class with Gary Veeater, who opens for me James Webb, who films for me on the road,

and Brian, who's my manager on the road, and we decided to do a yoga class. It's like a high yoga class in Baltimore, and we're like 30 minutes in. I can't believe there's a fucking true story, there's so stupid, but we're like 30 minutes in, we're dying to hot class, and the instructor goes, I see we have a comedian in the class,

and I'm just like, fuck, this is bad. And she goes, is he wanna tell us a joke? And I'm like, I'm in like a pose right now, this horrible. So I like look to Brian, like what do I, I don't know what to do here and he gives me a look like I got this which I'm like, I don't know what the fuck he's gonna do but he goes, I'll tell a joke and the whole room is like,

what the fuck, I'm like, we're looking like, what's he gonna do? And he, this, he tells my joke, it's an old joke of mine where he goes, my friend's girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower and I was like, oh my God, worst baby shower ever. He tells us to a room full of women and it is fucking silence. And the instructor just says, well, I'm triggered.

And I was like, yeah, that joke usually fucking kills. I'm like, when I tell that joke, it does well. I'm upset too. And I turn, after the class, I was like, dude, what the fuck, he goes, it's your joke, I go, I don't open with it, dude. Yeah, yeah. So you gotta earn those jokes, those are dark jokes.

Yeah, that's like once they trust you. And they're like, no, that was brutal. And I give him shit about that. That's a very, it's hilarious that that's the story though. Dude, it's fucking, he's got balls. It's good to have a person on the road with you who's got, yeah, who's got fucking balls. Yeah, he'll got balls. It's good to have a person on the road with you who's got, yeah, who's got fucking balls. Yeah, he'll do whatever.

Yeah, that's the best to have with you. There was 60 more minutes in that class. It was not like an exchange of phone numbers between people at the back. No, one black dude laughed, but it was like 14 other women who were just like, I hate all of you. Huh. Well, that was, he liked it. But it was like 14 other women who were just like, I fucking hate all of you. Huh.

Well, that was, he liked it. But it was like 14 other women who were like you suck. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking brutal. Yeah. Are you, I think I remember I asked you this before, are you like a pen to paper guy? Do you write them out?

No, I, yes and no. I mean, I'll do like, I'll do, I'll write jokes in like a word doc, but then like it changes. You know how it is, I mean, you do so many long bits, you can't be pen to paper. But I think, if something is not working, the thing that I found that helps it

is writing something down. You know what I mean? If you're telling us, like you have a long bit, like a long story, and there are obviously jokes within the story. If there's like this one, you're telling us, like, you have a long bit, like a long story, and there's, there are obviously jokes within the story. If there's like this one, you're like, this just isn't landing, writing down, and like an alternate, is I think sometimes how you find a better one, you know?

That's a good point. You have that joke about your dad in the military. Yeah. Is that, was that pen a paper? No. That one feels pen a paper, don't you? Really? Well, it's just a kind of like a perfectly crafted joke.

The, um, oh, like, but I guess that's what you want. I mean, you want to think that joke because that's like crazy that could just be like, yeah, a thing you say. Yeah, I remember that that was, that you're talking about like when he was not sharing about war.

That's such a fucking great turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he, uh, and that was, you know, that was just like real life. Like he does. That's a gift when you get a, when you, when it just uh, and that was, you know, that was just like real life like he's a gift when you get a when you when it just Happens and you're like that's insane that you just said that yeah, it was insane and then you know He lived for another what three or four you know five years or so five six years after that bit I mean it just went up from there the talking about War and the atrocities and like as casual as could be about.

That's insane. That's insane that that's your dad. Like what a different life you have. Well, you know the thing that I realized later was that I had zero appreciation because he was like such a put together like, you know, seemingly normal, well-adjusted person, polite, and loving, and all that stuff.

I had zero appreciation for how traumatized he definitely was from war, and it made me realize that there's no such thing as somebody who sees combat and isn't traumatized. Even the ones who say, I happen to not be traumatized, it's just manifesting itself differently through that. So the person who's just like, yeah, I'm fine. They're not fine. You can't, the only person who would be like literally fine would be like, and there are these people

are like definite like psychopaths who are, you know. Who aren't fine though. Well, yeah, but there's just like, you know, how they're kind of designed, but anybody who's not that way, I think if you experience the atrocities of like, you know, people dying next to you, you're killing people, like there's no way

you're just like, back to business, I'm fine, you know. He was fucked up over it. And I think he didn't even have an awareness of that until like the end of his life. Because I don't think his generation would talk about it. I think his generation didn't talk about it enough and our generation talks about everything too much. And there needs to be some sort of middle ground,

but I don't understand, I mean, I feel like everyone, back in the day, it was like writers and athletes are like Ted Williams and JD Salinger served. Yeah, everybody did. Isn't that crazy to think about, I feel like everyone back in the day, it was like writers and athletes are like Ted Williams and JD Salinger served. Yeah, everybody did. Isn't that crazy to think about, I guess like Pat Tillman served, but like, think about like the best base, but think about like, well, hopefully not Otoni because he's not on our side, but uh, he crush us. Did you ever think about joining the military? No. No, I know. It's like this thing where... Are you kidding me? I know, but I mean, like, I had a, you know.

By the way, I'm not helping us. No. No, unless you need another guy complaining in the fucking in the trenches. Shoes are tight. I'm like, this is the weather, really? I have a lot of badass Jewish soldiers. Unless they're like Israeli.

Yeah, there's Israeli guys. Israeli Jews are different than like New York Jews. No, we're like, I'm like the, I'm from like the school of Woody Allen. This is bullshit. Where's my analyst Jews? Yeah. You know? I'm not like throwing down.

Maybe you can go into intelligence then, you know? I, here's the thing though, this, that generation, like my dad's, like he just, it was the era of the draft. And he just was like draft. He just went down there and signed up. Like, and then when I was in high school, there was no even conversation about joining the military. Like it wasn't even thought of.

And the people, I don't think they could say whatever you want. Like yeah, you're a pussy, you're what I'm like, we just never, I never even entertained it. I was like, military. Well, I go to the want. Like, yeah, you're a pussy. I'm like, I never even entertained it. I was like, military. Well, I go to the military. Like, yeah, no, I mean, I respect people that do that. Like crazy, but I also, but it's not something that, I can't imagine.

I mean, I can't imagine the shit you're dead. So, I mean, I think about like, how fucked up people came back? You even hear like, that's all, by the way, like I think Ted Williams, like, he was like a fighter pilot with a shitload of medals, then he, he bat like fucking close to 400 before and after. Yeah. It's crazy.

That it works out for you. Yeah. Cause then you also have like, yeah, there's fucking amazing people who just didn't come back. I think my only people die at World War II? Oh my God. Yeah, that was the thing. My dad never told me until he was like much older

that the thing that affected him the most was thinking about the guys in his platoon who died. And he'd never said this. Then he was like, yeah, I think about them every day. I was like, what? He goes every day. I was like, I mean, why would I know that, you know, unless you say it?

He was like, yeah, the guys that like died next to you. I was like, fuck, I'd never considered that because it was never a conversation, you know? And he was like, yeah, I thought about it every day. It's, oh, you think about who your comedy boys are. I mean, like, and the bonding you must do, if you're putting your life on the line, those are like, those are your boys for life, for a matter of what I can't imagine. So think about your comedy buddies and how deep the bond is from just the comedy

shit you've gone, right, which can't even, I feel must pale on comparison. But like, open mics with people, you're like, that's my fucking dude. Like, yeah, those are my friends forever. Cause we, you see each other a week and you see each other get strong. It's like fucking cool. But you're in the trenches, like the literal, you know, the metaphorical trenches. There's no more trenches anymore, right? You feel like that's like World War One.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. But that's how we still say it. Well now, the chat, now is just a term. The tech is too advanced. Yeah. Is to the point where, how much would it start to get killed by a drone?

The worst. I mean, it's like getting shot in the back sucks, but kill by a fucking drone. Yeah. Some fucking nerd is just like... In Nevada. Yeah. It's fucking killing you in the Middle East,

and you're just like, oh, time for lunch. I think it gets up, and you're like, fuck. Yeah, you have no idea. Yeah, the war injuries for those dudes, they just like trip over a router. Yeah, that's like that.

You see this scar? I tripped on a fucking Wi-Fi equipment. Yeah, it's so f***ing good. It's so f***ed up, but it's true. Yeah, yeah, there's, I mean, there's still combat, obviously, but the tech technology is just so advanced now. I just can't imagine the shit you, I mean, yeah,

my heart goes out to those people that serve, cause that's like the braver shit ever. I mean, I'm way too big a pussy. I just spent time with like a bunch of military people at a naval base in Pensacola. And so when you're around them, like in the environment, you know, because you see somebody in uniform at a coffee shop, at the airport, you know,

you see it and you're like, oh, you know, that's cool, whatever. Maybe you say something to them. But when you're on a base and you see like how professional and like, you know, like just how everybody works as a unit, you're like, oh, fuck, these guys are like just how everybody works as a unit, you're like, oh, fuck, these guys are like the real deal. It's, it's rad. It's cool. It's really cool. They took me up in an F-18 fighter jet. I saw those pictures you posted. I was wondering

what that was. I was like, this dude's in fucking Top Gun 2 or something. They took me up in an F-18. Were you nervous at all? I was excited. I was excited. I mean, they prep you for throwing up and for passing out because they're like, you know, you're gonna do the maneuvers they do during a blue angel show, right? And so you're flying solo with one. And they're like, you know, people throw up, don't feel bad. And you're like, here's like bags,

in case you throw up and you're like, all right. And then they prep you for passing out because like you pull so many, you know what I mean? Like the G-force is just intense. So they're like people pass out all the time. Here's how to prep for it. So you basically, it's all about your lower body,

clenching, so you flex your calves, your glutes, and your quads. You don't realize how fucking in shape you have to be to do this, you guys are just. Same with like formula one guys, you don't realize like, you see them training, you're like, that's insane. Well, you have to, the way your necks, all the way, the necks are like out here.

They must be awesome. They must be awesome at eating pussy, those guys. Oh my god. They never, I get tight down there, I'm down there. Those guys, they know what to eat a pussy. They really do. Yeah. And then these guys too, they do that Hick maneuver.

Yeah. They call it, how to breathe. So like your lower body's totally engaged, and then you take your breath in, you count to three, and then you go, so that's how, try to stay conscious when the G-Force gets way up there. So they're lower bodies engaged, and you're doing this, you know,

they each have like their own way of doing it, but it's basically what I did, like, out in quick, and then you maintain like three quarters of, you don't want all the air out and then you want all the air in. So it's this, but these dudes are doing maneuvers as they're doing this, and you're just in the back of this thing, and they're like, all right, we're gonna do this, fucking like six barrel rolls into an inverted thing, and we're gonna pull seven and a six barrel rolls into an inverted thing.

We're gonna pull seven and a half jeans and you're like, all right, and they're like, ready. You're like, just like, hold on. Then you feel your vision go black. And then they're like, all right. And then they're like, all right, we're out of it. And you're like, holy fuck. And they're like, there's only 45 minutes left.

Oh my god. And Tom Cruise made everyone do this shit just to be in that movie. Just to be in that movie, yeah, for sure. It's fucking intense. Flying up, we went mock 1.25, which is 950 miles an hour on the ground. Oh my God, fuck that.

Yeah, dude, that sounds awful. Oh, it's fucking awesome. Really? Yeah, yeah, it was, that part actually, you don't really realize it. Like you don't sense that you're going that fast You're up in the sky you're passing through clouds. That's the only thing it kind of gives it aways how fast you're passing through clouds But you don't feel anything when you go from like

0.91 Mach to 1.2 years like oh what you really feel are when they do maneuvers and they're like we're gonna pull six geez You're like oh fuck and they're like, we're gonna pull six geez, you're like, oh fuck, and they fucking barrel around. And you just feel your vision go black? Yeah, that shit is intense. That was, I mean, I could scared on commercial flights. This thing would fucking scare the shit out of you. It would scare me.

Dude, I was, you heard about that diarrhea woman on that flight? Diarrhea woman? Yeah, they had to turn a plane around because this woman had diarrhea on a plane and she was just shitting everywhere. On a commercial flight? Diarrhea woman? Yeah, they had to turn a plane around because this woman had diarrhea on a plane and she was just shitting everywhere. On a commercial flight? Yeah, you must have the link to that shit.

I think they went down in Sydney or something, but yeah, they had to reroute it because she was shitting so badly. Were she shitting in the seats? I don't know, I think so. She must have, it must have leaked or something. It was like, I think it was, yeah woman. It was Margaret Cho, shit.

No. Oh my God, severe case of diarrhea, yeah. A flight from Atlanta to Barcelona, that's a long flight. Return to the airport after the incident was even a bio-hazard issue, holy fuck. I threw up and shit the entire way from LA to Minneapolis. The only time I ever canceled the weekend,

it was a connecting flight. I was supposed to go to Virginia Beach. And from when they shut the door, I was like, I think I'm sick. You know one of those things? Yeah. And then from takeoff to landing, throwing up and shitting. Well the problem is we always feel like shit,

just our schedule. So it's hard to tell in your sick, but you're like, am I just being a bitch? Yeah, I sit. This is early and I feel nauseous or am I sick. So this is what it says, an audio clip of the pilots and merchants

who called the dispatchers was shared on social media. This is a bio-hazard issue the pilot said, you know we've had a passenger who had diarrhea all the way through the airplane. So they want us to come back to Atlanta. I don't understand. My partner was on that flight. It was pretty bad.

It was dribbled down the aisle, smelled horrible. The vanilla scented disinfectant used on, only made it smell like vanilla scented shit. After the plane landed, it was thoroughly cleaned. So this person, how did this person shit in the aisle? I don't get it, yeah. But clearly it happened. The mid-flight incident came after a flight from Miami

to Chile, it was for, oh, there's a different incident. We're after his pilot died mid-flight. What would you rather have a dead pilot or a shit smelling plane? That's a fair question. I think a dead pilot. Me too, because there's two pilots. Yeah, that guy can handle it.

That's why you have them. By the way, though, he probably shits too. Yeah, that guy can handle it. That's why you have him. He by the way though, he probably shits too. Yeah, he does. But not as bad. No. Diarrhea in the aisles. Come on, man. Come on.

It was Delta. Yeah. I'm getting some points from that flight. That's crazy. You have to reimburse people for that. I wonder how many points you get, because I definitely would, I fought hard on that shit before.

You fought for stuff? Yeah, I missed. Um, I missed your go-to. I usually dealt with, I think that, I mean, I was- Everybody, here's the thing that- They all fuck us. Yeah, and there's people who swear, they're like, it's American or, and you're like, dude, like, you can have good and bad experiences on all the airlines, not on spirit,

but like on the big carriers, you're gonna have good and bad experiences, you know? Yeah, well, Delta, I've been fucked by all of them, but I did, American fuck me the hardest. I think it was last time I did your podcast actually. Really? I was in, no, yeah, there was, cause I was flying from Austin to Vermont

and I had to connect in Philly. And I knew I was missing the fucking flight. I hold the flight up to her and I'm like, I'm missing this and she was like, you're gonna make it. And I was like, I see on my phone, I'm not gonna make it. And she was like, trust me. And I was like, all right. So we land and it said, I think in Philly,

we landed like gate B2 and my connection was F32. And I just showed her on my phone and she was like, run. And I was like, oh, this is insane. They say, run, I've had multiple times they go, run. And I'm like, this is, I've two fucking check bags. Yeah. And I got there and she slammed, she fucking closed the door. It was one of those closed the door on your face moments.

We were like, dude, come on. Come on. And they're like, now the door's shut. So they gave me, I was shit faced on the flight. I got in the next flight and it was getting in a Vermont at like 1030. So I missed the show, but I was fucking wasted on the, on the connect flight because I was so cranky. I was like a middle seat last row, which all they had some fucking bomb. And I was tweeting at American Airlines like thanks, like thanks for calling me Jew boy fuckers. Like I was just making shit up because I was so drunk.

And, and they tweeted back, we've decided to give you 7,500 points and then I wrote back, I was so drunk, I was like, you fucking anti-Semites. And they were like, we've decided to give you an additional 7,500 points. And I just picture like N word, they're like 25,000. Yeah, they have different tears. But Jew boy, they're like, we have to start low

because he'll haggle with us. So he has to. Dude. Yeah. By the way, it's a great tactic. If you're one of the airline people and someone goes, I'm not gonna make it be like, you're gonna be alright. That's what I would say to everybody.

Yeah. The whole second I'm off the flight. No, I was so angry. You're definitely gonna make it. I miss. But then once you know where you like that angry and then you just are like, it's a show. Yeah.

It is. It's really effective. I end up staying extra night to make up the show. Yeah. But like, you have to remember, you are like, it's a show. It is, it's really a fact. Like I end up staying an extra night to make up the show. Yeah. But like, you have to remember, like, is this really gonna change my life? You make every, you're just trained in comedy to be like, I'm gonna fucking, I miss it. I was, I mean, when I tell you how sick,

I was so sick that, I mean, literally, the flight from LA to Minneapolis was, I would go to the bathroom, either shit, vomit, or both. Go back to the seat, sweating. People next to me were like, I'll be like, and then I get up, the whole flight. And I still was hesitant to tell my agent,

I was like, I can't do that. Because I didn't want to be, you know, come down on, like, what, you're canceling the show, right? Because we're trained. I at least remember when I had like these awful, I love my agent now, but I remember having agents back in the day where they're like, they don't give a fuck about you.

Well, yeah, I mean, the funny thing was, like, I'd never, I'd done shows sick, the shows were like the flu. You have to. I have to. At least coming up. A thousand percent. Yeah, and I still, when I said it, you know, a flu. You have to. I have to. At least coming up. A thousand percent. Yeah.

And I still when I said it, you know, it wasn't like, I don't remember it being like, are you okay? It was like, all right. No, same. That's what happened to me. And the club was like, oh really? Yeah. You're sick.

And I'm like, but why, like, of my track record, why would I make this up? And then they didn't like believe it. And I went to a hotel, like I landed in Minneapolis, went to like the airport hotel, just to be, I was like, I can't get on a plane. Yeah. Just to be sick there. And I just spent a day there.

We're in all kinds of fun. Just being sick. It was horrible. Dude, I remember doing, it's funny, you said Minneapolis, because I remember being a young comic. And then my agent's been like, we got you a headline in Weekend, a house of comedy. I was like, oh shit, we had a dropout.

I was like, cool man. And I was like, wait, House of Comedy in the Amplest, the game was like, the one that All Shabbom threatened to shoot up this weekend. You had to drop out there, though, that's not a big story. I shoot you now, I go to the front page of CNN. All Shabbom threatens to shoot up House of all of America.

And I was like, I just sent it to him and they're just like, it's gonna be fun. And I remember calling Joe Liss, like, should I do this? And he was like, if you get shot, you're the dumbest comedian of all time. Did you do it? I didn't, I didn't do it. And they were like pretty pissed at me

for not taking a fallout weekend on like a Wednesday. But then I did. That was associated with like a terrorist threat. Yeah. I just felt like I'd been in New York for 9-11. I'd been in New Orleans for Katrina. I felt like I'm like, I can't. You were there for Katrina?

Yeah, yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. Were you living there? No, I was a freshman at Tulane. So I ended up leaving before, like it was coming and I left. I evacuated.

Oh, you did. Yeah, no, I wasn't there when it was like common. But did you go back? I went back for a year and a half. How long how long between evacuating and going back though? A semester. Like a semester away. Yeah. Was this school shut down for a while? Yeah, it was under water. Wow. I mean, that whole fucking city, man. Yeah, but I love New Orleans. That's like one of my favorite memories. I remember bombing so hard with a Katrina joke in like the month after. Yeah.

Yes, so hard. And I was doing it as an opener. You know, you like you have to earn these jokes? Yeah. I was doing it as an opera as a middle. And it fucking set me up for like deaths. Like deaths, like I was trying it. And it was like about how there was people,

there was stories about the people were being ranked in the after that. I really love it. Did you do a Katrina ranked joke? Okay, yeah. That was my joke. I was like, yeah, they're saying that people are being ranked in New Orleans.

And I go, nothing turns me on, like, saying I got a dead body flow by my minute. My dick's hard. Right now, what a fool. And I would do that to a sold out show. And then everyone was like, and'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I would do that till like a sold out show. And then everyone was like, and the thing was what I found was that at the time, I had a pretty bullet proof 20, you know, feature set.

Sure. I couldn't put it together. Like I, it wouldn't work after that. And I did it twice. That's amazing. Bob's so hard, both sets, like it was like Friday night, early late show. And I was with Christchurch, I was, I was at opening for him. Wow. And the so hard, both sets, like it was like Friday night, early late show, and I was with Christchurch,

I was that opening for him. Wow. And the next day, I was, you know, cause I was like shell shot from bonding that hard. It was so bad. He goes, can I give you one piece of advice? Yeah. I go, yeah, he goes just open differently.

And I go, yeah. I'm not a good opener. I know, I was so like. That's amazing. And I did. But your balls are fucking, for doing it. No, that's the thing is like, for going for it, by the way, going for it twice.

That was, I know. That's pretty cool though that you did that. Even the MC was like, I've never seen someone eat shit that hard. I know, but that's your style, it's kind of pushing it. So yeah, you have to find that. You have to figure it out.

I think that's cool that you did that. I remember Gerardo had the fucking funniest Katrina joke about like how many times he's blacked out in Katrina in in New Orleans and he's like I can only imagine be one of those people that came to like what the fuck did I do last night? Yeah, was I near a damn? That's very funny damn. He had some great Katrina jokes. He had great. He had so many great bits. Yeah, he was one of my favorite comics ever I wasn't even you know There's people who I guess gravitate towards or don't when it comes to the roasts.

Like, I was never like, oh my God, I love the roasts. But there was kind of an era where you just like, I have to watch this. This is like the big thing happening. But when I would watch his sets, I was like, this is fantastic. It was, it was like artful. He was, he was a, man, Jesse Joyce would like collaborate with those on and Jesse such a good roast joke writer and and them together was like

Yeah, and Greg was like so even like that Larry the cable guy won the way he just was so angry I was like this is like fucking. I'm noticing this passionate a roast set really. I don't remember that Oh, he was so like fucking furious that Larry's success was so funny. And then, oh man, his Joan Rivers said, all his sets were so, what I loved when he would do it, Rose, is that he would like, say something really nice at the end and then shit on them again. Like, you think you're getting that ending

after that beautiful, like, oh, I just destroyed you for seven, eight minutes. And then like, but seriously, you're the best. And then he was just something else. I got all full. Yeah. It was something like with Joan Rivers, he was like, but seriously, you're like, an seriously, you're the best. And then he was just something else. It was something like with Joan Rivers, he was like, but seriously, you're like an icon, you're the best. And something about like, Teddy fucking a crocodile. Like, Jesus Christ. Like, you think you're out, but it's like one more punch. Yeah. Yeah. He was relentless, and so smart. And like, yeah, I mean, yeah, I definitely was like idolizing that guy.

There's that era. I totally relate to you trying out insanely offensive jokes and bombing. I remember doing that in front of Marin and like most of it, I think it was like Rooster T feathers in like 2010 or something and that's featuring from Mark Marin and I just, I tried to find out.

I forgot the joke even when it bombs so fucking hard. And after the show, I was explaining to Mark, like I was so young and dumb. I'm like, well, I thought this would do it. And Mark goes, I know what you were doing. Yeah. Like that's all he should just be like, shut the fuck up Sam. I remember I was doing a man of such a shitty room

in Atlantic City. And I was meddling. And the headliner was this guy that looked like he fucking, I don't know man, like changed transmissions or something. I was like, you're like, what are you, you're a comic? I used to, like one of those. Where in AC, do you remember? It was such a shit cause one of the clubs that was in the tropic anewon. Maybe the trop one. That guy stiffed, a That guy stiffed me on money. That guy was something else.

That guy, he ditched town. He'd like seem like a real life. What was the Will Ferrell character in San Diego? You know, like Anker Man? Yeah, like this guy was like sitting at the bar with a drink, he's like, did you bring your head shot? And I was like, my head shot. Like who travels with their head shots?

He was like, you gotta bring head shots. Otherwise, we don't have a head shot to put. And I was like, I hope someone had shots, this motherfucker. It was just ridiculous. I was thinking money. But so the headliner, he was like, yeah, I don't really do it much. I was like, how are you doing this?

He's like, yeah, I'm friends with the owner. And I just do this to complete poker. I don't give a fuck about the show. And I was like, okay, you get those. And then he's, you know, I would do my, my middle set. And then this guy, you know, he would end on this, like a magic trick with a newspaper. So he would fold up the paper and do like some crazy magic trick. And then I would see him in the casino. And he'd be like, yeah, I'm going to go play poker. And I would see him in the casino. And he'd be like, yeah, I'm gonna go play poker. And I would see him the next day.

And he was like, yeah, I was up till like 5 a.m. playing poker. And I was like, how you doing? He's like, not fucking good. I was like, all right. And we're doing these shows. And I think we're doing like the seventh show of the week. And there's a bunch of old ladies out there.

And I remember him going to see the old ladies out there. And I remember him going, you see the old ladies out there? And I go, yeah, he goes, what does that tell you? And I go, I don't know, he goes, maybe you don't do your shitting on a glass coffee table bit. And I was like, okay. And he was like, right back to his stuff. And I was like, yeah, good call, good call man.

He was like, I mean, I don't think he gave two shits. There's something so depressing about AC too. I remember two AC stories that come to mind. First, one of them is that room. I'm fucking, three headliner show, right? So you're all splitting it. One guy who is just a degenerate gambler there with me on the show, he's gambling

not only in the casino after the shows, but he's on his phone, the whole fucking time doing sports betting, and it's a baseball regular season games. And the whole show, not only are we all bombing, but he's on his phone and goes, can't catch a fucking break. Can't catch a fucking break. That's the whole show. And I remember staying in the condo, and I just remember like stumbling back, piss drunk, I was drinking at Tony Baltimore Grill, which is I love that spot. It's like rum and coke, like this big for six bucks was the best. But you just walk into that shitty condo piss drunk.

And I remember seeing a cockroach stomping it and they're just passing out in the bed. And I was like, fuck, this is, this is a sad weekend. There's so many sad. Those first time you do Vegas, or any city. Yeah, you know, there's the steam where you go, or Reno, because the thing is, you're so excited to get work. And they pay you just a little bit more

than a club at the time for your level does. So you're like, oh, this is more money. But then you don't really calculate that, and you're like, all I have to do is spend Monday through Sunday there. Do like one show Monday, one show Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And in your head, you're like, I'm doing so many is spend Monday through Sunday there. Do like one show Monday, one show Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday. And in your head, you're like, I'm doing so many shows. I'll get better at comedy.

Yes, it's just great. Yeah. And then, you know, some of those places the show is at 10. So what happens is your day is just like you wake up and you have like just you have like 14 hours of like, hey, you know, yeah, you look up, maybe you'll notes or something, you eat breakfast, you walk around, then you're like, well, I shouldn't spend money because I don't want to spend money at the place that's giving me the money, but there's really nothing to do. Yeah.

And there's nowhere to go, just like walk around this casino. And you know, third, fourth day of that, you're like, man, I would get like really depressed in those really guys. Because you're not going outside. I remember like, Reno, I would get like really depressed in those. Because you're not going outside. I remember like Reno, I was like, I should see what's going on outside. It's just like meth people walking by. I like, I'll stay in the casino.

But I remember AC one night, I was opening for David Teller, there was like years ago and we get in at like 3.30 AM from another city and he's like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I was going to go to bed. He's like, let's gamble. All right, so we, 3 30 AM were gambling

and we're both just fucking crushing. And it's hilarious that none of these people know that this is David Tell, this is like a comedy Jedi. And he's killing at the table. Like he's making all these jokes. He's shitting on strangers, smoke and cigarettes. Just one guy, like, Yeltsin, you gotta hit there and Dave goes, thanks professor. like just shitting on dudes.

We're dying and before we know, we're up like a lot of money both of us. We're just like, ah, and he's like, I didn't know you had it in, you kid. He's just like shitting on me. And I remember just going out, it was like one of those weird things where you feel like, holy shit, I never get a W

at these casinos and we just like walk outside 7, 30 am, he lights a cigarette. And I'm like, this is like, I feel like we just get a W at these casinos. And we just like walk outside 7, 30 am, he lights a cigarette and I'm like, this is like, I feel like we just did a heist or something. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. AC, I had no concept of, because I was, I never, I didn't grow up in that area.

And I remember like, oh, it's Atlantic City. And they drop you off at a place that's on the boardwalk. And you're like, this is pretty cool. The boardwalk is cool. Right away, there are people at the casino who are like, hey, you know not to like, leave this area, right? And you're like, hey, you know not to leave this area, right? And you're like, what?

And they're like, this is a really rough city. Yeah. And you're like, oh, really? And then you get in a car, someone drives you and you're like, oh, shit. Like, AC is no joke. Oh, dude, I remember going to a pharmacy, trying to get something, I was trying to get.

But there's like a line of people, I'm like, these are opioid people. Yeah, this is sad, this is bad. I mean, that city is like, it's weird, I have a weird love of AC, but man, I remember my brother does bachelor party there, but this is AC to me. We go to a strip club for his bachelor party.

There's like the one Jewish woman, we could tell she was Jewish because she had a fucking star of David tattoo on her quad. I'm like, that's an AC Jew right there. A stripper with a star of David on her thigh. Jesus Christ. Yeah. That's a fucking yeah.

But I have a weird love of AC even though I've had like fun nights out too. It's weird. I've, you know, really started to appreciate gambling more. Do you gamble? Well, not a big time, but it's fun. When I do my Vegas gigs, me and the crew, we always get a table, we do blackjack. It's fun.

I always hit the high limit slots. The most fun is you go, you just risk it, you go, I'm putting a thousand dollars in this and spending 200 to spend. But when it hits, you actually get like a payout, you know? Yeah, we do that every time. I got it, everyone though is like, you gotta do craps. They're like, you're out of your mind

if you don't do craps. I don't really get it. I don't either. That's why I think the part of the fun is I'll just put money down and be like, did I win? I do black check usually. I love black check. The luck, but here's the thing, you have to,

like I've gotten to the point where I accept that it is the luck of the shoot. Like, you have good shoes and bad shoes. So when it's a good one, you just fucking enjoy it. And you just, like, when the bat, it's not like, oh, strategically, I didn't, it's like, no, you get bad hands. That's how it works, you know, it is luck.

And it's all about the table vibe. Like, if you draw a dude, well, we were, A C, we drew the biggest douche bag at our table. This guy was just like, he was some like, like guy from Syracuse, he just kept like talking and he goes, where are you from? And I go, New York City, he goes, and I was like, where are you from?

He goes Syracuse, I was like, you're A new York. I was like, I'm fucking hammered. So I was like, that's the worst fucking city in the state. Fuck Syracuse. And he's like, I have, he's getting like offended. Then he's trying to high five us after hands. Like, fuck you, dude. Fuck off.

And he pulled this card. He goes, he goes, well, ah, well, I have a wife and kid. What do you have? I'm like, where the fuck are they? It's too amy. We're at the Blackjack table. What the fuck? It's not good.

Yeah, a guy who doesn't know how to play will fuck the table, too. Dude, you get so fucking mad. I've had a few on tour with me. Yeah, a guy who doesn't know how to play will fuck the table to dude. You get so fucking man I've had a few on tour with me like even friends who are I'm like, what are you doing? And they're like isn't it a point to get 21? I'm like to pro dude. You don't like you're not Like they're hitting 18s like I'm trying to get to 21. I'm like, that's not how you play Those dudes are kind of funny too. I and do just flush them money down the toilet. One of my friends's dads was with us and he goes, if you hit that again, I'll stab you in the fucking neck.

This is like a grown man. I was like, oh my God, but I was laughing so hard. He was like, he was like talking to the dealer. He's like an older guy and he's like, what's your name? And he was like, this Asian dealer. He was like, Dave, he goes, what's your real name? What the fuck, man? What the fuck, man?

That was right out of the gate to us. I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, like a 70 year old man. That's good. No, I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, but he was like real hot about the play because my friends legitimately did not have a clue with the every, and I didn't know. I was like, what are you doing?

You bond at the, if you get a good table, you bond with those people. Oh yeah. And if everybody's table wins, like when everybody starts winning, that is a thrill. That's a thrill. We had a few of those.

I was there like last week, and we had like a couple really fun runs where everybody's winning at the hand. And the deal, you could tell the dealer was like, he was like telling, you know, telling something else, he was like, mm, don't, don't hit that. That dude's getting fucking gone after that.

We were all like, give him the fucking, throw the monitor, like we're gonna fucking kill him. Yeah. So like, Dave, can we speak with you? We're like, that fucking break in his hand. Yeah. Oh shit, it's so fun, it's fun. You ever see that movie The Cooler with a,

yeah, that's kind of a fun one. He's so perfect as that. Yeah. He's so, he, like, it sounds a fun one. He's so perfect as that. Yeah. He, like, it sounds like an insult, but he's so perfectly pathetic. Yeah. What's his name? William H. Maysley. He's so pathetic in the movie.

And like, and like, he embodies it, like, just so well. Yeah. Like, he sits and like, he really is the cooler, you know? And now, like Baldwin, right? Yeah. Fucking Maria Bello's titties. Yeah.

Thumbs up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.? He's in that too. And fucking Maria bellows, Titties. Yeah. Thumbs up. Yeah. Yeah. She was awesome in that movie. Like even like the hair, the suit, it's all perfect. He plays that guy in Boogie Night's too, that kind of just a loser. Yeah. Yeah.

He's a great actor though. So fucking good. Fargo too, he kind of plays that fucking loser. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His ladies getting banged in front of him. And so brutal.

Bougie Nights is one that like, if it's on TV, I'm like, well, there goes three hours. It's so fucking music too. It's like every tune in that movie. Yeah. I was just thinking too about, this is totally not the same thing, but talented Mr. Ripley. Dude, I love that movie. Great book too. Fucking Patricia Highsmith. Yeah. That movie is like, I love that movie. Great book too, fucking Patricia Heismeth.

That movie is like, that was on TV the other day and I was just like, you know, see more Hoffman again. If it's on, it's also like aesthetically, it's so great. You know, it's in Italy, it's like the, what is it, the 60s or something and, you know, like the style of it and all the, this is also, I remember watching this movie. So here's the thing, I never saw Goodwill Hunting.

Oh wow. So when the two of them became like, household names from it, I was like, I did that thing where I was like, I don't give a shit, these two fucks, right? I just didn't care, I didn't care about the movie, I just kind of moved on. And this comes out and I'm like,

oh, it's that fucking guy. And I was here's the thing, I watched this movie and I was so blown away by how good of an actor Matt Damon was in this movie. I was like, oh, this guy's fucking legit, like an amazing, he's fantastic in this movie. So good. And then I remember seeing the trailer for the first born. I was like, this fuck is gonna play like a badass?

Like I couldn't, I need to crush it again. I saw the trailer, I was like, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen. And then I saw the movie, I was like, now it's pretty good. Those born movies roll. Those are amazing until they put Renner in one. Then you're like, oh, that's no good.

Yeah, that one there, like you go, like, oh, Renner in the town, dude. Yeah, he's good in that., he's cool fucking girl. Yeah. Yeah. No Matt Damon Kind of underrated comedy actor too. He's great. He's funny. He's great. He's great in a lot. I mean Yeah, I love I love movies like that that are just super fucking dark And don't have a happy ending. Yeah, it's like the student murders again and then just gets away with it. That's, and here's the thing about it. I think about that and Matchpoint, the Matchpoint's good.

So the two things about, and both those movies, I'm like, this is how great the filmmaking is. There's this thing that's happening where at the very end, when they get away with it, you're like, good. You know, like, and you're like, that's so fucked up. Yeah. But like, you want the guy and Matchpoint to get away with it, you're like, good. You know, like, and you're like, that's so fucked up. But like, you want the guy in match point to get away with it. And then like in talented Mr. Ripley, I mean, I don't know what it says about me, but it's

like he's just like, then he gets the allowance from the dad and you're like, way to go man. How is that? You did a mission accomplished. You did a great job. It's so fucked up. Well, that's so funny Woody Allen makes so many movies with a piece of shit person just wins. Yeah.

And I'm just like, what are you trying to tell us? Well, he's like, I should win. I should win. I should win. I doubt it. But he got a little too on the nose with some of those like husbands and wives where you're like, dude, these are like, fuck it.

You rewatch them in hand and now, that's a beautiful looking movie. It's an incredible movie. But it's legitimately just like, there's nothing learned by the end He's just like I couldn't make it work with this with this child. Yeah, not like I shouldn't fuck kids Like he's like I couldn't you know My friend Ron on her, but he was like that's a rom com for pals. Wow Basically, I mean she's look she's I guess 18, but she's a high school senior like you shouldn't be fucking

You know what the fucked up connection with what the Allen is too is that That girl goes to Dalton in the 70s. You know who taught at Dalton in the 70s Jeffrey Epstein really? Yeah Wow, so that's what and Mary they knew each other those two did yeah, I hate to get too fucking rabbit hole on you But no, that's a weird connection. It's a good click of friends, yeah. That's a good one. Those are buddies who won. Look, they had nice homes, I'm sure.

Yeah. That guy was connected to so many movers. He must have had great dinner parties aside from the children. Oh, incredible. Aside from the underage women, those were some interesting people, those parties. How about, and I'm the last conspiracy theorist guy? Yeah.

But the fact that that list is not released, it's not published. It's fucking weird. It's the strangest thing. I'm not a big, Jews aren't big conspiracy theory people either. Yeah. It's like, it always ends with us eating babies somehow. Yeah.

It always is like something something George Soros that controls the interest rates. Yeah. Jews eat babies and you're like, that, we don't eat babies. Yeah. It always is like something something George Soros then Tronie the interest rates. Yeah. Tronie babies. Yeah. Like that we don't eat babies. Fuckin'. But no, I'm with you.

There's something shady as fuck. Well, that's cool. After the child sex conviction. We can't just turn your back on friends. No. That, look at what he's out for, too. What is he, so insane. He lives in Manhattan.

Why is he dressed like he's going on a safari? He always wears that goofy fucking hat. What is he doing? And does he do? He lives in Manhattan. Why is he dressing? He's going on a safari. He always wears that goofy fucking hat. What is he doing? And the pants are too high. There's no excuse for looking like that. He's made it work though. I mean, that is insane that he's still with that same daughter. Yeah.

He's still with her. All these years later, yeah. He's fucking like 80 something. 87 I think. At this point, this relationship becomes, like a father, you know, I mean like. He's the eighth of him. His stepdaughter, and now she kind of becomes the parent

because of his age. Because it's fucked up. It's very fucked up. That she just, I don't think she, I think he's one of those like super geniuses that just wants to be with someone who I don't think, maybe she's like a sounding board. I don't think she's contributing a lot

intellectually on his level. I just can't. No. I think there's hyper-intellectual people like that who are either with someone who are equal or people who are like, I'm the genius and you tolerate my genius. And I make, I mean, you can't be with someone

who's your equal if you have his, if you're as prolific as Woody Allen's, I put out like a movie a year for like, yeah, for decades. Yeah. I mean, he's just got to be, as far as like American filmmakers, I just fucking taboo to say now,

but like, there's not a lot of people in his league. Yeah, I haven't seen a lot of his work though. I haven't, I think all New York people are more exposed to it because he's like the quintessential New York guy. Dude, you know what? I got a wreck for you. If you've never seen bullets over Broadway, yeah, I think it's as funny as movie. It's really he's not in it. It's John Q. Zach and Diane Weast and Chaz Paul Matari. I think one of them won an Oscar for it. It's so fucking funny. Maybe I'll do that's Colin Quinn's favorite.

He's like, I give the New York voter confidence. Colin Quinn's got great movie wrecks. And he's like, that's my favorite Woody Allen comedy too. All right, I'll check it out. The military brought away fucking, we watched it. When we were on tour bus, we watched it. It was, it killed on the call. It killed, really?

It's fucking funny. All right, the premise is it's a gangster. Like, John Q's actually struggling playwright in like the 20s and they can't get his playmate and they're like, we got a donor, we got a guy who donated money and it's Joe Vitarelli from Analyze This, you know the fact guy. And he's like, yeah, but you got a cast,

he's a mafia guy, you got to cast my girlfriend and it's Jennifer Tilly and she's the worst actress in the world. So they get the playmate, but they're now casting the worst fucking actress in this voting role. Yeah, it's killer. That's funny.

Yeah, I'll check that out. I'll check it out. I need to watch some of his stuff. I don't know. I was turned off by the m-thing his children, but I'll check it out. I think it's good. Yeah, no, I think it's good. Also, I got another wreck.

Bill Cosby himself. That's a fat hat. I've seen that. That's actually the first stand-up thing I ever saw in my life. It was great. No, he's, that's the thing. It's like, yeah, he's done some fucking bad shit probably, but... But he's made some great movies.

And this one, you don't have to feel his back because he's not even in it. Yeah. Epstein, great investor. You can't knock his investments. He's done a great job with people's money. You know? What are we gonna do, act like he didn't know what he was talking about? You can hate the artist, but not the art.

What about, he also opens, the fucked up thing is he opens with this movie with God. What's the name of that singer who does, did blackface? Fuck, it's a famous song. You'll know the guy, I don't remember, Bill Sensen. No, I don't remember. You'll look it up and not, but dude, that gray fucking movie.

All right. A reminder you can see Sam Rill on November 4th at the theater at Madison Square Garden. You can get tickets right now at SamMarill.com And I'm everywhere on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road.

He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the road. He's on the too. That's a big one. Have you done it for never man? You're actually a big reason I went because I saw you gone as I should fucking dude. It's so fun Well, I'm doing all that in November like everywhere in Australia and then and then I got Vegas and Florida but you're gonna have such a good time. Oh, I'm Cleveland. I'm like all over I'm Sam Rellcom. There you go.

That shows, but he's touring everywhere. Get tickets. By the way, I'm coming everywhere. Yeah, best touring. Good tour. I know. It's gonna be hard to, it's gonna be hard. Thank you.

It's gonna be hard to top it. They were hard to come up with. They are because you sound corny a lot of the time. No, I did. No teeth, no entry was one. That's a good one. I did. Take it down.

And then, yeah, I did coming everywhere. The next one, I don't know. I need to come up everywhere. It was like, I was like, fuck, that's, how is that not been done? I know. That's the other thing is you go, like this hasn't been done.

Thanks. How did you do a pun that's not? I know. What's your current one called? Class Act Tour. Yeah. More is just sarcastic, or that's a lot of abortion and murder jokes

Yeah, you're such a great joke writer man. I really enjoy it. I mean you're one of the few that like I People post their stuff on Instagram, but yours I actually watch I actually watch your stuff on there Dude I watch all your clips too and and I love especially like I mean shit sitting in bird seat man Yeah, yeah, this is this I watch all these clips and I love all the clips with Christina, I love the other podcast. Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks, we'd love to have you on anytime. I want to, yeah, I want to come back. All right, you thank you guys for watching.

Thank you for listening. Go see Sam Rill on tour and we'll see you next week. Burt and Tom, Tom and Burt, one goes top and swap the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave you