2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! And it's finally here! Only at https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $29.99. Get it now! SPONSORS: - Go to https://ShipStation.com and use code cave for sixty days for free! - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Text BEARS to 64000 to get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply. - Get 15% OFF your entire order @‌MANSCAPED with promo code BEARS at https://manscaped.com! #ManscapedPartner #TCSociety - Brought to you by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are joined by the always unpredictable Ari Shaffir, dropping in to promote “The End”, a bold, no-holds-barred storytelling series that serves as a spiritual sequel and final evolution of his cult-favorite show This Is Not Happening.This episode dives deep into Ari’s return to long-form storytelling, breaking down how The End was independently produced with a stacked lineup featuring top-tier comics and a unique profit-sharing model that actually pays performers. The trio reflects on the evolution of comedy since Ari's original show, from Comedy Central’s heyday to today’s creator-driven landscape. The conversation spirals into outrageous personal stories, behind-the-scenes industry insights, and hilarious debates about everything from sobriety culture to the lost art of live storytelling. There’s also an unforgettable deep dive into a near-collaboration with Tracy Morgan, a story that almost made it into final show, and the unhinged unseriousness of morning show promotional interviews. Check out The End, y'all! We legit worked hard on it here at Studio Jeans. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 327 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:37 - The End 00:04:13 - Big Dicks & Big Chicks 00:12:20 - The Missing Tracy Morgan Story 00:31:10 - Morning Show Chaos 00:43:47 - 2 Bears 5K 00:47:30 - Booze Tales & Sobriety Influencers 01:01:09 - Road Trip Stories 01:08:31 - Tito's Vodka & Final Thoughts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I sleep court. My sleep scores through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them. It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions.

We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, You, the people, are the ones telling us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us, this is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it.

Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos? And if they say no, you go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. And then walk out. You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and give it to them.

I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle of glass of porosos? That's awesome. That's awesome. 100%. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One K. We're here in Austin, Texas. And joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine.

Give it up for Ari Shafir, everybody. Thank you. It's not, please. I think it's already accomplished. Let's, let's, let's, let's. Stephen King wants to write a book. Let's say this real quick Because we want to

There's a lot to cover today But Your storytelling show That was once famously on a network That once thrived Kind of that crazy That comedy central is just gone It's so crazy

It's crazy two things One nobody knows a comedy central Two nobody knows what a network is I know Yeah But what do you think of somebody When they're like Do you see that new ABC show

And you're like what? What fucking brain damage It's crazy The name of the show you idiot We have colleagues that will be like, I just booked a pilot, and you're like, oh, I'll book it. Really? On CBS? So you brought it back.

It's called The End. We brought it back. That we did. It's called The End. We here at YMH produced it. And I have to say, I've said this before, the lineup that you were able to procure for this is... It's pretty crazy. It's pretty crazy, dude.

It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargotsie. You got DeStefano, Gillis, Jordan, Jeff. and it's a long list. Jay O'Crickson, Ali Sadiq, Miss Pat, on and on and on. And now it's out, it's out, it's out. It's out now.

It's 420. Guys, you should wait if you've saved an episode. Today's the day to watch. An important detail that is very R.A. Shafir driven. You can buy individual episodes. You can buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end. Oh, yeah, they're all getting paid.

Everybody gets paid. You're all getting it. You're the first person to pay us on when you do a podcast. You'd be like, Here's like 200 bucks. And it's crazy because your people's reputation. It's not notoriously your thing. It's an uphill battle.

It is. I always thought you'd be like, you were on my show, give me a dollar, but you actually share it. I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is because I have a deep voice. But it is, I'll say this, man, it came out fantastic. It came out so good. It's the concept that you came up with that was always so fun to do live. Yeah, you guys all did them.

We all did the YouTube version and the Comedy Central version. But this is like, this is the final end form of this. The final end form. I was just remembering just right now is when we were shooting the like early, early stuff on YouTube. This is not happening. Yeah. And we were doing some runaround scene and then I had to like pull my pants down to my boxers. Yeah.

And then you go and then there's all these extras in the front row of that strip club. And you're like, they're like, all right, one more time, one last time. And then you're just like, dick out this time, right? and i was like oh yeah yeah of course that was my that was my production card for a long time and those balls you have those crazy big balls yeah yeah did that like did you know you had like extra big balls like in high school yeah it reminds me an episode of buck rogers where some guy from another planet goes on my on my planet i'm a weakling and he bends a metal rod that's how my people were all big-balled

yeah jews were the first big dick people it's a slow is a slur is they do that to the oppressed is they they say they have big dicks and it's supposed to it was it was like that's like the first thing backfires big i know i i think it backfired i think people wanted big dicks but i think maybe back in the days they were like why i got a lot of horse riding to do i don't want it i don't want it's negative for here that's true i think having a i think having a big dick is the most feminist thing you can do why is that well like every Every guy who likes toxic wrestling bragged about, oh, I got a big dick,

your dick's tiny, fuck you, piece of shit. Well, why do you want a big dick? Right. What would the reason be to have a big dick? Oh, I know a guy named Doug who I met in. No, to hurt them with their penis. Please them. Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, but you did, but your dick can be too big. Sure. And there was a guy, Doug, who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa, and I went out to L.A., and he was so cool. He was really fucking cool. Like he said to me, I just met him. He goes, do you wanna go to a Clippers game?

And I went, yeah, and we went. And he drove and drank and he was awesome. And then- That's a good sentence. And then he, and then I said, I love that guy. And the girl was like, I do too, his dick's too big. I don't enjoy sex with him. And you're like, wow, fuck.

Yeah. Can you imagine having that where you gotta end up fucking a manatee just to have your dick fit inside of him? You ever see those girls like, They're, like, walking into a Walmart, and they're, like, 7-2. And they don't look crazy until you see the cars. She's like, what's up, plus-size ladies? They look good from far away.

Then the close to you get, you're like, oh, you're way close. I mean, what do you think is, like, what do you think is tall or big for a woman? And then when you go, that's freaky, that's too much. Too, too tall. I'll tell you this. Over 5'4 is, like, gross. Beat it. Beat a freak.

I dated a girl 510. Yeah. And I'm six foot. And it was, I felt like I was fucking a dude. That's cool. Yeah. Like it was,

you could like, like Leanne's smaller. I can, like a manhandler. Like you want to fucking throw something around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Every now and then you want to feel like you're jerking off in someone. You know? Like you're just like, eh, eh. I remember I dated a girl who was 510, 511. I didn't really think like,

oh my God, this is crazy. But then I met a team USA volleyball player who was 6-4 and I was just like this is fucking. And she was pretty. Oh yeah, they always are. She was really pretty but I was like this is fucking. You dated? No, no, no, I met her.

I met her. I hooked up when I was a practice player for the girls team at Maryland. I hooked up with one of those six nine. Six-nine? Whoa. Wait, tell me about that. Yeah, I mean I- Wait, what's her name?

Pull her up. I'm sure we can get a picture. This might be wrong, but okay. I mean, she's probably dead in the fucking Ukrainian war now. This end of the episode. Can you kind of spell her name? And she said her dad was six-nine or her mom was six-three. I'm like, I'm six-three.

You're six-nine. Wouldn't that be funny? And she goes, yeah, yeah. Bro, that's all it took. And I worked in for about four months. And wait, was it like such a unique experience? You know what I mean? Like being in there because.

laying down with someone like that. Laying down. Yeah. Oh, you got to cuddle with them? They're big spoons. She's like, put your head on my chest. And they like to be womanly. Right.

She would always wear like high heel shoes. She's like, I'm not giving that up just because I'm tall. It's already too late. I want to be a woman. So she'd lay on you, but her feet were like off the bed. You don't die off the bed. Her size 17s? She'd blow you and her feet would be hanging in the kitchen.

She'd knock in his forks over. How long did you like? Just once. Just once. And you were like, this is a monster. She was on. When she's on top me, it's fine. Whoa.

No fucking way. Wow. She's beautiful. We do not do this to this one. Wait, hold on. Just bleep her name out, but keep all of this. She is gorgeous. Okay.

Because I'll tell you this, she doesn't look fondly back on that experience, okay? No way. She's moved on. Right, but you wouldn't tell. That's someone who's 510, 5, 9, 5, 8. Yeah, you have no idea. No way. Can you pull up, like, can you type her name in?

Dude, watching her do suicides was so funny. Like, see if like she was walking. And the coach, Coach Wallet would be like, fucking pick it up! I can't, I keep you. There she is. Oh, that takes me back. I practice with her.

I bang with her all the time. And did she have an accent? Yeah. And she says stuff like, in my country, we don't wear condom. She, in my country. My vagina's so big, you can come in it. It takes two days to get to my seed.

But wait, this is always the thing about, this goes for men and women. The downstairs is not necessarily related to your physical. stature. Exactly. However, it was a loose. It was a lot of space. Let's definitely cut us out. Put your day between two couch cushions. Really? It was not. It was like, it's kind of like when you feel a presence in the room, like a ghost or something, where you're like, I can't put my finger on it. Yeah, something's something. Yeah. It's that. Wow. Go get the end. Go get the end. There's stories just like this.

one that you've heard one third of. All right, now I'll tell you that story. I got a phone call one day. I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves. Oh, that's right. You're not hosting your own show. They did them dirty. Aria figured out a way to put it up somewhere else.

You thought about bringing it back? All the time, I need your and Tom's help. Are you guys ready for this? It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down. Hello. And we're here to talk about. Storytelling shows telling true, true stories.

Word to word what happened. My favorite. We tell them the story. My story is a love story. It's about my first three. Bad first date. About ball. Football.

Got arrested. Um, shit in your pants. What the fuck? What the fuck it's going on? That's my story. Don't think about it. Just laugh. It's funny.

Ah, shucks. Please get out. Mr. Tony Hitchlamy, Faglibe Fagas! Toto Gillis. Dr. Lamar. Joe, you're not going to tell him. Have them like wallet. Ooh, yeah.

Give me all of that. That would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show. When it comes to running a business, you've got to be able to meet the demands as it grows. With Ship Station, everything you need to manage getting orders to where they need to go is all in one place. Between USPS, UPS, UPS, and FedEx, the last thing you have time to do is find the best option for every. order. From setting up time-saving automations to comparing carrier rates, ShipStation takes the stress of finding the best prices, printing the labels, and setting tracking updates off your plate. If you're bringing your own negotiated discounts,

you can keep them along with your peace of mind. Over one million businesses have trusted Ship Station, including us. The coolest thing I think by far is having an interface where you can see everything that's been ordered, what status is of it, and which carrier is. shipping it out. You always know. Try Shipstation free for 60 days with full access to all features no credit card needed. Go to shipstation.com and use the word cave for 60 days for free. 60 days gives you plenty of time to see exactly how much time and money you're saving on every shipment. That's shipstation.com. The code word is cave. Shipstation.com code word cave. Now, we had a, we had a, I was supposed to be on the end. You were. We had a, we had a,

And we had a crazy story in and of itself, which I wish it. And you made efforts to try to... I actually... Multiple trips to New York to try to research a story. Flew to New York. A couple times. To make it happen. And it didn't happen.

Dude, you not being on there was the biggest... There's a couple failures. I'd be bringing back my show. And that's one of them. Diaz was having major knee surgery the day of the shoot. That's awesome. And then Sean Patton couldn't get out of his contract. The three of you not being there killed me.

What did you? you, were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan? Yeah. I mean, it was like... Well, you got to tell people now because you just... It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest wildest experiences. There's a story we're not going to that involves Tracy Morgan.

That's what I said. You got to set up that like you were going to tell a story involving him. That's why we're saying... Drive a story about Tracy Morgan. Yeah. That I now have the permission to tell. I mean, flat out said, you have my permission. to tell that story.

Yeah, that's what I was hoping you would do. And, uh, but it was funny, his recollection of it, of the night we met, I'd always, I mean, you got to admit, this is like the weirdest part is I've always told the story, he pulled out a record of a joint, it looked like a cat turd, and he hit it, and he handed it to me, and I hit it, and I was like, your weed tastes like shit, and he just goes, I smoke blunts. I went, what? He goes, I smoke blunts.

I don't smoke joints. I smoke blunts. And it dawned on me. I'd never had a blunt before. And that was the confusion where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my life. I was 24 or five years old

and I hit a blunt and I never smoked a blunt and I was like this tastes different. He's like, oh, you never smoked show him before? Fucking with me. And then he started laughing. He was like recollecting he was recollecting his side of the story

which was so fucking fascinating. He was like, yeah, it was an offhanded joke. I didn't know you're that much of a weakling for weed. Yeah. And then he was like, Well, you really only hung out with white people at FSU then, huh? Yeah. Because I smoked so many blunts.

Really? Where'd you go? To a small school in North Carolina. Oh. But, like, that was a... Also, we were like, what are the black guys doing? We should do that. Yeah, we should do that. Yeah, of course.

Of course. We got done that day. It was such a cool experience. Tracy Morgan is like... Meet him. Dude, we were on cloud nine. We got done. He was like,

For sitting there with him. Frosty tried to hook it up. Just like, let's bring you guys together. Let's step it back. Let's step it back. So Ari says, will you tell your Tracy Morgan story? And I said, the only way I'll tell it, tell it. That was disgusting.

Ari just killed a gnat and ate it. Sorry, I didn't mean to distract. No, no. I said to Ari, I said, the only way I'll tell. Because I've gotten so much shit on the internet. For the, for the Tracy Morgan. Yeah, because people are like, Tracy said that never happens. And I was like, whatever.

I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to, whatever Tracy wants to say is what Tracy wants to say. Yeah. And then Ari's like, what if we can get Tracy to tell it with you? And I was like, I don't know how we can do that. And so we, I think you got in touch with Frosty. I was just like, I'm not in the industry. I wasn't even invited to Diddy's after parties.

You know? Yeah. So like, I'm not, I don't know. I'm most like, Frosty can. you know how to do it. Frosty called me. And then one morning I'm laying in bed and I get a FaceTime from Tracy Morgan. And he's like, oh, you have a story about me.

And I was like, and I sat up in bed. And I was like, yeah, I do. I do, Tracy. I'm a huge fan. I got to tell you, man. I'm like backtracking going like. He goes like, I like to hear that story. You fly to New York?

And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right. Frosty says you're a good guy Let's do this So then I call Ari immediately I'm flying to New York We're meeting with Tracy tomorrow And we fly in and Frosty's like

Let's meet Yeah and so we go to CIA In New York Chrysler building So you're already like this is cool You feel like you're a mover and a shaker Yeah and the second And we

And Frosty got a chickfilet Like and not just a little chick filet Like nine bad He's like let me book I know what he likes. And he's like, and Ari and I are nervous. And the second Tracy walks in, he's like, we're gonna do a movie together.

Like he just, no, no, no. Yeah, I know, but we're like, that's, you're misinformed, that's not it at all. Yeah, yeah. So then we sit down- You don't do this film. Yeah, and I was just like, oh God. So we sit in a conference room

and I started telling the story. I said, I gotta tell you about the first time I met you. And I said, you know, I was a young, I worked through. I was good friends at all. I was a young comic once. I was I love Tony Woods. I love Tony Woods. Tony was my brother.

Like he's just, he added so much to it that like as we're listening, Ari and I are watching this. It's almost magic. And then you come walking down the street and goes, he goes, it was 1999. I just got no Saturday live. I wasn't even famous yet,

but I could get in trouble. Page six. They got me at Madame. And that's the bar we went to. And you're like, that's the one. Yeah. I go, we went to Madame X. He goes, that was my spot.

I mean, it was just like, anybody's eating as he's telling. And killing Chick-fil-A. And we are, and Ari and I are on the edge. And Ari's punching up my story, like, like, adding in. And then, you know, what's great about this? And then, and we just go back in the story. I was like, Tony introduced us. And then me and you go around the corner and we hit a blunt.

And he's like, oh, we had a joint. He goes, I'm a blunt. But he's eating. And he's so Tracy. And then he just pivot. And he'd start telling another story. About something else, about his fourth season on SNL, about some other thing. And you're like, come on, bring it.

I have the thing you put your feet in. And the plastic goes around your shoes. You don't have to mess my house up. Like, I mean, it's like, I mean, it's so, we're sitting there like this. Slippers? We were literally our young comics all over again. Yeah. We are young comics.

And this whole time, by the way, he is 100% convinced that I am Bert's agent. Oh, yeah. 100. I didn't have the beard. I was just, maybe a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so like, it was so clearly, he was like, he's the Jew and he's the time.

You brought your lawyer, this type. I remember at one point he goes, he said something about where did you do? I was just somewhere. Where were you? And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like. He was impressed.

I was like, oh, was at the State Farm Arena or whatever. We went, oh, okay. And he goes, you on the road? It goes, yeah, I was in, where is that? I was in, you said the city first. He goes, where? I was, I was in Philadelphia.

And he goes, where? And I was like, the Prudential Center, whatever. Whatever it's called. Yeah, Wells Fargo. And he goes, Well, Fargo. I said, yeah, I had DJ Jazzy Jeff come out and open me up. And he was all, and you could see,

he looks at Frost and he's like, okay. Okay. And so then, and as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in. I get to the end and he says, that's how you get out of paying a check. I'm like, oh my God. We're like, this is exactly how we want to do it. Yeah.

And he's like, amen. Amen. Versi looks at me and goes, you have permission to tell that story for now on. That's your story. And I was like, great. And then I'm like, great. And then he goes, I go, but we would like you to tell it. And he goes, all right, let's do it.

Frosty set it up. And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar. I don't think you were drinking. What am I? I think you were doing a sober stint. Oh, maybe.

And we went to a bar and I just had a drink. I was bubbling. Because I have this story that notoriously people think I made up. Everyone thinks I made up. Then now I have the guy who you did it with. Did it with corroborating. Me and Ari and him are, he's corroborating and telling me. Yeah, but you were like, we went to this bar and he's like, Matt of Mix.

He's like, yes, that's the one. And he starts. I went there all the time. I know those ladies. I was on page six. Yeah. And so we get. done the story and I'm like this is amazing this is gonna be great because you know I've

always wanted to say I didn't make that story up yeah but at the same time it doesn't matter it's like I never wanted to bother Tracy if he didn't want that story told I wasn't gonna tell it and and I was like this is great and then frosty calls and I think maybe his other agent call one of his other agents like Tracy can't do it he's he's he's because it was beautiful in the room yeah yeah but I don't think Tracy was like what we're gonna do on stage like And I was like, I'm my head off the exact same thing you just did. Yeah. But.

And they were like, yeah, Tracy's busy. He's got a new show coming out. We know, we got a lot of stuff going all in them. And I was like so deflated. And then Ari's like, just you tell it. But I was like, I'm going to be in the same boat. I've always been with that story. You were defeated too.

You felt defeated because you wanted to do a different way. Yeah, Tracy said you could tell it. And then people would just be like, I can't believe he's telling that fucking story. Right. It's a lie. It never happened. That sucks because that would have been awesome. It would have been.

It would have been the one. I wish. Do you regret not doing it now? Now you see everybody's doing it. No, because the way, like what you're saying, though, with Tracy being there and being like, that's, that would have been very cool. That would have been very cool. I could have done it with such little Tracy effort. If he had just come up and just gone.

Because your impression would just be like, hey, you do this part, Tracy. Yeah. Yeah. But what do you have said? Also, he would have just, he would have done the same thing that he did in that thing. He would have been, you'd been like, all right. So then we went in that bar, do you remember? And then he would have been like.

you remember 1 25th when I used to go to the place with the chicken thing and you'd been like wait we're talking about this story right he just would have totally said nonsense part was there are parts of that so like in every story I tell there's parts that are just so true that they don't really work but I hold on to them because they're true yeah and I said to him I said to him you know and then I watched you go on stage and you had this observational material and you were like all right all right who remembers finger fucking by the handball Of course. And he smiled and he goes, I will pussy pop that bitch.

And he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago. And I'm like, I've been saying that. Anytime I've told that story to friends, I've been telling that bit. And he goes, and then I said, I said, you got in the bar and you held up champagne. You go, I got a pretty dick. You can suck him with the lights on. He goes, I do. But it was so fucking magical.

that I was bubbling. When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. Hymns makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence. They offer convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that actually work. Dr. trusted ingredients like finestriide and monoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months. I'm hoping it's three.

I'm hoping it's three. I'm on all of that right now. And I don't know. Something happened. I think it's my blood thinner medicine. My hair just started disappearing and I got really panicky about it. And I'm on all of it now. I'm on all of it.

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See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monocidal and finesteroide. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar Protein bars, QMix, hydration mix, and IQ Joe mushroom coffees are the delicious low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. The ultimate sampler pack is a great way to try all IQ bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ bars, eight IQ mix sticks and four IQ Joe sticks. IQ bars, plant protein bars are the smarter snack choice with plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber, and no sugar added. IQ mix is a zero sugar drink mix that hydrates with electrolytes, with electrolytes,

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And right now, IQ bar is off for. our special podcast listeners, 20% off all IQ bar products, including the ultimate sampler pack, plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text bears to 64,000. Text bears to 64,000. That's bears to 64,000 message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. You know, it's, do you remember when you were young and you had something happen in your career and you said, this is going to change things for me? Yeah. And then after a while, you're like, nothing. and changes anything. Yes.

It's really hard to move the needle. This was one of those things where I called Leanne. I was like, this is huge. This is bigger than a movie. This is, it'll go viral. It's, and I was like, you know, oh, I was so excited. And then when, and I understand Tracy backing out. I understand him going like, I don't, you know,

he didn't know what he was going to do on stage with me. And I'm very well versed in the story. And Tracy's just standing. Yeah. But he was so fucking. It was so funny. It was like if we had filmed the room. It would have been just perfect.

You could have just aired that. Yeah. And by the way, he must have had fucking three breakfast sandwiches. He just kept going. He kept eating and he was like, oh, yeah. He was like, oh, don't get me started on the house. Do you know what I did? Do you remember that clip we saw of him a long time ago when he was talking about being

on the football team and his coach yelling at him? Donnell. Donnell, you're not Doug Flutie. Yeah, yes. Remember the Doug Flutty part. Yes. He immediately went into it. Really?

And it was like, you put pads on somebody. Dude, he is, we know, there's a phrase that bothers me online. And I think mostly because no one ever says it about me. But they're like, protect this man at all costs. They do it like Michael J. Fox or Rick Moranis. And they do it to like females all the time. Natasha Leon, got pulled off a plane. She was relapsed or whatever.

Protect this woman at all costs. It's a thing. Yeah. It bothers me because it didn't. It suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves. And I'm like, it's a fucking weird thing. Do that guy. He's, he is a national treasure.

Like, comedy-wise. So unique, yeah. The most unique voice. If you listen to that album, he put out some album a while ago where, like, you just hear, you can hear that people in the audience are like, what's happening? Oh, my God. It's like, you know, when you come home at 3 in the morning,

and you've got to step over, motherfucker, passed out. You're like, Kevin. You got shit all over yourself. And you're like, what is going? Because you know that he's actually... Remember it? That makes sense to him. Like, he's telling stuff that you're like,

your mind is so unique. His delivery also, he can make reading a menu fun. Yeah. You know, he can do anything fun. Like, he was like at the stand once he popped in and he's like, looked to keep on the side. He was, how old are you? And he was like,

damn, I bet you piss hard. The best Tracy Morgan story I ever. heard was, I've heard a bunch of them. Like, Sickler's story is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable, dude. You could do a Tracy Morgan episode.

I had the guys at CIA, or no, ICM, the guys at ICM. The first time that story got out, the guys at ICM were like, yo, we tried to sign him. And I was like, really? And they're like, yeah. And he told us he wanted to do a general. meeting on a Saturday afternoon and a Dave and Busters. And I was like, really? And they go, we got there.

And he threw his birthday party for his kid with all his kids' friends and we paid for it. No. That's unreal. That's unreal. Tracy Morgan was like, yeah, Dave and Busters, 11 a.m. Bring presents. Wow. They just changed your name to Tracy Morgan Stern.

That's so cheap. You got, you have to do it on a, you have to hear Ryan's story like fully. I haven't heard it. It's, oh my God. I don't want to like, but he basically met him on a, like, kind of like Bert did, and had his own adventure with him that, like, was completely unprompted and unplanned. And it, and it was, it's wild. We'll never get another one of those. And I think, and I think, yeah, because he showed up at a perfect time.

Cameras. Yeah. Cameras, yeah. You can't ever be, I mean, you'll never get another stand hope. Cameras. Cameras. I met him at Oddball. That's where I met Tracy.

Tracy? The oddball thing like 10 years ago. Wow. And, you know, you go up to you, every night it was a different amphitheater backstage. And I'm walking. I get dropped off. Like the car service would pick you up, drop you off, and you're walking in that backstage area. And I see a white, massive Rolls Royce.

And I'm like, walking. I'm like, why does this fucking rolls? And then I see Tracy. And he's in all white with a. with a massive dukey chain and a medallion like this. And I'm like, what's up, dude? I was like, this year rolled? He's like, yeah, you want to check this shit out?

And I was like, yeah. And he had a chauffeur, like a guy in a fucking suit driving it. He's like, I just got this shit. This is how I roll, you know? I was like, yeah, this is fucking amazing. Not to take away from what Mark and Sam do on morning television, right? Yeah. Like, they're really great.

like they're living in his in that guys but paved the path Tracy Morgan paved that path oh of morning yeah decent dad the Chicago one whatever Horace Grant holla like that one he's in Chicago he just takes his shirt off that's my maiden call I'm getting someone pregnant tonight yeah by the way that's Arizona no one no one will no one will ever appreciate that yeah only because and I'm one it's again I've done it too I've taken my shirt off on radio on morning, gotten in going thunderstorms, whatever. What?

We're all doing. Tracy. The impression of Tracy. Derivative of Tracy. I mean, that, when he did that, there was no frame. That was when you were like, yo. The Chicago one is just, it's unbelievable. I mean, Chicago one.

I saw Arizona. Oh, my God. We're about to get some pregnant up in here. That's Arizona. He's like late. Oh, look at this. Look at this. Can we hear it?

Yeah. Enjoying the Chicago summer. Turn it up. I just had a white castle, y'all. Ew, yeah. You're an early morning guy, Tracy? There you go. Early morning guy, this is what it is.

How you get this big and the sexy? I hope Oprah's not watching. She might go nuts. Hey, Oprah. What are your chances? I'm calling on Oprah. Bring out with you. And Stedman.

Stemman called me. He's so. Wait, wait, hip-bos. He's so serious. He's so serious. He's not laughing. No. He's like, damn it, call me.

And look at this guy in the far left's like, the fuck's going on. He doesn't know. How old is Tracy? Can you find out how old he is? He looks at his like. He's got to be 32. Tops. Yeah.

18 years ago. 18 years ago. He's so mad. Did you ever see? How old is he? He's like 30. 39? 39.

39. Damn. I guess black has an inability to crack. He looks. He looks. Go back to it.

Young. Tape, as is it, you can have Star Jones all to your very self. I like the Star, the skinny star, but Big Star was good.

I love Big Star. That was, she was sweet like being me. Star. You got it? Yeah. You did it great. You got it.

It's all right. You got, well, you know, come on. Give me a kid. It's a little bit much. this time of the morning, Tracy, but, you know. This right here is forbidden love. Black man and white woman on TV, this is forbidden love.

I feel like Jim Brown. Yeah. I'm trying to Jim Brown. You cross the old pilot lines here, yeah. News. I'm having an affair with her. What's your name again? I'm not about you.

Yeah, I love you. I know. I should have my daughter. Please have my daughter. Please have my daughter. I think it's so serious again. It's like lovable. He's pulling from like,

it's pulling lines from a novel. Scroll along. I think he lays on the table. Is Tracy Morgan black norm? Does he end up laying on this table? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back, go back a little bit. To the beginning of the home.

Let's see what got him there. Showing a clip. This guy's like, see why the women love you, Tracy. this is my impression of a pregnant woman you know what this is going to be dubbed like a million times on the internet we're going to be the two morons sitting behind him going I don't know what we don't know what he did that you can't even suck it in too much

we got 90 seconds left Tracy you're going to be at the improv in Schaumburg we are at the improv in Schaumburg that's how you sell it black people live out there any black people are out there Not really. Yeah, sure.

Hey, yo, Bishop Y'all won. Come on, let you know. Bishop, y'all won't see me. Bill Carter, right? Come see me. Say you love me. Oh, Barack Obama. Oh, man.

It is going to be a red carpet night in Shambra. Barack Obama, Michael, Jordan, Oprah. They will all be there to see Tracy Morgan. Here's the information on your screen. Oh, man. Oh, my God. He is, uh, he is black norm. Norms, because take over an interview and not just go, I'm going to be funny

in the interview. I'm going to make it a different thing. But can I tell you the thing that, that will never happen again is they, and I think it's the thing about norm is you have to really not care. Like you have to not care. Tracy doesn't give a shit about this morning TV. Let the fact that people are going to say that wasn't funny. Yeah, you got let it go.

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i've seen i just see his post of it where he just goes for an absolutely not okay morning show joke. Like he just goes for the hardest joke. It's so fucking funny what he does. He goes for like abortion jokes at like seven o'clock. And you can see how scared they get. They're like, and then they're like, oh, right?

And you can go see. Like he, it's like a way to get out of it. But it's a really funny approach to it. Norman's first one was authentically fucking hysterical. Yes. The first time he did it because you can tell he was hung out. He was still drunk. Still, yeah.

The best of those went. And he was like, he was cursing on air. I'm a little gay. And that's the... I love fucking with the morning people. It's the best. It's just so funny.

They realize this doesn't sell tickets. You know what? They're getting ready with it in the background on their way to work with people that are like housewise. The first time I ever fucked off with it, I was like, why are we doing this? You started doing DJ Dadmo. DJ Dadmo. The full character.

Yeah. Look at that fat piece of shit. By the way, guys, this is not makeup in a character. The only thing he added there was a gold chain. Everything else was just his outfit. That was his regular fat. I did that show right after Tom did. And they were like, are you going to do, like one of the guys were like,

yeah, and your friend Tom's like a DJ now. And I was like, what? And I was like they're like, yeah, he's DJs. That's like his big thing. He doesn't do stand up, but he's a DJ. The big thing that I would do on these when I started doing that, that the clubs would go, what the fun? is I would say I'm a DJ and then they're like you'll be at the you know at the improv

I go don't worry about that it's all about the after party there was no after party and I would go meet me at this like bar I'm gonna be DJing and I'd get off they go what the fuck are you talking you told people not to go to the show like no one's watching this man no one who's gonna buy a ticket is watching the 7 a.m. fucking no they're not and they were just like all right and once the shows would sell anyone I'm like what they're already sold why are we doing this. Because we need you to do this. I got to tell you, out of all of that, like, out of all the fun fuck off, I one time witnessed Daniel Tosh do morning radio with material. Yeah. And I've never seen

anything more powerful in my life. He did morning radio and did bits and didn't tell them he was doing bits. He did bits. But it disguised them. Disguised them. Yeah. And it was fucking destructive where you were like, like, they were like, do you have anything you want to talk? about because he was a Bob and Tom guy. Yeah. Like, and he was good. Was he really? Oh, hardcore.

And he gave them a, like, like, gave them five bits. But all he knew is that first one, he was never going to let them talk again. And so they said, so tell us about, you know. What's going on? Yeah. You're watching football. And he's like, I love football. I love guys that do steroids.

I think they should be sponsored by Campbell's Soup. So we turn them into vegetables. Like, and he just did his fucking material. And murdered. God. That probably did work then for sales. Yeah. I mean,

but it's so interesting what sells now. Do you forget, by the way, I totally forget. I only remember when I get into like a rental car. Yeah. That I'm like, oh yeah, the radio. Like I forget the radio.

But I forget. I know, yeah. I totally forget. You'll be driving and then you go like, because you haven't connected yet. And you're like, oh yeah. Like I'm always connected,

like Bluetooth, you know, that there's people still turning on the radio. When I came back to New York from Ecuador and I was driving, Sal's let me state as like a crash pad somewhere and I was driving from, and we get New Jersey like conservative radio, but morning radio. Yeah. And so long as I heard it. So it was a mixture of conservative thought and morning. And so he's like, it'd be like a top five things New Jersey is known for it. Oh, it's a blueberry state.

By the way, the mask is a badge of compliance. They were just like Go on and on Back and forth It's conservative And like fun That was pretty Those old school talk radios

Am talk radios were good I was helping you out Didn't really go anywhere I was just like You know You know what I like you take risks man I like taking the swing Wow

So tell us about Ecuador Hold on We should make a big point that May 9th, the 5K. Oh, the 5K is back. You can sign up. There'll be conservatives there. There'll be Jews, Christians, Muslims.

You run our 5K before. Not really. Because I ran it with Brian Simpson, who he's so bad. He's doing better. But he was like, we started running. And I mean, 30 seconds. Like, hold on.

Let's walk for a second. And I was like, yeah, okay. Then eventually he's like, All right, let's pick it up again. Let's run. And then another 30 seconds, like, all right, let's, let's, like, walk for a second. Where was that one? And it was in LA.

LA, yeah. And then he goes, you can go ahead. You can go ahead. It's like, no, Brian, I haven't seen you in a while. Let's catch up. And, man, walking that 5K is beautiful. In Pasadena? Yeah.

Yeah, amazing. Well, I walked through jelly. It took 45 minutes to an hour. And, yeah, we killed it. Yeah. 25 minutes to an hour. Yeah. That's a big window.

We passed that, uh, the, uh, the, meatloaf or whatever and going the other way. You guys stop to eat? Jelly roll. And he was... Meat roll. And he was fucking running. And then that's when Brian was like,

shit. And then we got sort to the end. So this is a place you can get to the end where you can see the finish line. And I was like, dude, dude, we have got to work up a sweat before we get to that finish line. They're taking pictures.

He's like, you're right, you're right. So we just ran around in place for like 20 seconds, enough to get him going. It goes, now let's go. We just ran the last 30. That, by the way, when you see, I experienced this when I'm out running is you'll be out on a run.

I'll go to this trail and I'll see either like an older person, a fatter person, a woman, and they're ahead of me. And I'll just be like, you cannot let this person pass. Or just beat you in this. And just in my head, I go, you have to fucking run past this person. Oh, I just sits in your head. I don't mean any woman. I just mean most.

I ran in San Francisco when we did the MLB for Netflix. I woke up that morning to see the sunrise. I wanted to see the sunrise. What did you guys do? You called the game? No, he just did like he did something for it. Just I announced the teams. What did you play? Coy? No, what? You announced the teams? Yeah, like the Yang, ladies and gentlemen, the New York Yankees, ladies and gentlemen. And so, but I got up at like six in the morning, I want to see the sunrise. I haven't been drinking, so that's the only joy I get in life. Yeah, no. Oh, buddy, you have no idea. It's calling me. All I get already...

Wait, let's wrap up the 5K before we start talking about boost. So I go out for a run, and there was an Asian woman who was run walking. Yeah, run, and she was in front of me the whole... She'd run and then walk,

and I'd almost catch up to her. And she'd run again. It was like, nope. It was almost like I was chasing her in old school Vietnam. Yeah, yeah. Through the jungle. Yeah.

And she would just run, and I couldn't get past her. And running in San Francisco, everyone was faster than me. Everyone, because they're all tech. kids that don't really like now let's talk about drinking sign up for the two five bears two k whatever you know two bears five k dot com it's may ninth it's at the pasadena rose bowl during

it is during the joke it's during the festival and it is like a fucking fun day it's not just for you're committed for the shack thing just so you know i'm not you're not damn you're i'm shack to the fool right now why why are you leaving i'm yeah i'm not going to be there i promise i promise well it's me matt rife uh mark norman samorell i think stavey That's a great line. I know, but I wanted you on it. I think we got Miss Pat's going to be on it. Jesus.

It's a great lineup. Anyway, let's get back to, let's get back to these kids. These kids. So I'm not drinking, right? Yeah, okay. You can remember. It's like, wait, right? No, and so what happens is, no, I haven't slept.

What happens is your phone really does listen. So if you go into my algorithm, all it is is sobriety stories. No. That's all I. get every fucking day and can I tell you still have your your your pull the fucking latch day is it still yeah July 12th that's it's happening what is that and and I would put this to you july 12th you get to drink again yeah you should record yourself well I what are you gonna tell you I was thinking about I was thinking about what would be a great city to fall off the wagon no one was

Louisiana no that's what we stopped over October once I know but think about then you got to think get through. Because New Orleans can be a little bit pressing in the morning. Phnom Pen on Penn. What? Pan on Penn. Put on Penn.

Pan, Cambodia. Okay. Once again, it's too far from a flight. Okay, okay, okay, let's keep thinking. Okay. Home town, Tampa? Tampa. No.

Play golf, drinking the course. No, because then I got a bunch of dudes that I fucking grew up with. In here on a podcast with their best friend. You want it to be like Aspen, so you're like I don't know. High altitude. No, low altitude.

No altitude. No altitude. Okay. Beach, you like that. You love some. I love the beach. The Dead Sea. Below.

Below altitude, drink even more than you would. Baruchata, Lunar flights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I keep hearing Nick Swartson's Key West stories. And I go, Key West would be a good place. Yeah. The Turks and Caicos, Jamaica. Wow.

I can make a flight to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands. A Caribbean thing would be cool. Caribbean, like to fall off the wagon. What's a great drinking town? What's known as a great New York City, Chicago? But I keep saying like Chicago would be fun. No, you want the sand. I think you want the beach too.

What I want is I want three days of drinking. I want three days of like Cayman Islands, get up, cocktail in the pool, run it in the afternoon. You should book this ahead of time. So it's like a whole thing. But I'm trying to think of the best place. And everyone always goes to Chicago, New York. And you're like, yeah, but New York's like. I kind of feel like this is just how I look at my own unwinding.

I never really unwind until I leave the country. So, like, I think if you go to, like, even if it's a Caribbean eye, it's not that far, but you're just unplugged from home, it's going to be a more fun experience. Plus July, summertime. You know what, Chicago and New York are drinking towns because you drink consistently there. But you're talking about drinking hard and well for just a few days.

And enjoying, and beautiful vid, views. Yeah, you don't want to be in the concrete jungle, dude. No. No. Looking good, Billy Ray. Feeling good. But yeah, July 12th, I fall off and I can't. Why?

What is this? What's going on? I got a blood clot in my leg and travel to my lungs. Oh. And so I got on blood thinners. Dude, I thought you were already in blood thinners. Let me tell you the thing. No, no, no.

I take a baby aspirin. But when I now I have a little bit more perspective. When they told me I couldn't drink for six months. Yeah. Dude, it felt like. Death sentence? Yeah. Really?

I was like, I remember the first thing I said, I was like, what am I supposed to do for the Super Bowl? And the doctor was like, what are you talking about? I was like, NASCAR, I got the Daytona 500 for South Beach Food and Wine Festival. What are we talking about? Like, how am I going to do this? It's in the name. And then you don't drink.

And then you're like, oh, I can not drink for anything. Like, not drinking is drinking is. It's not been hard? Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Not one bit. Not one bit.

The hardest part, honestly, is flying. Because I do know. You were always a huge player. I do know that in turbulence, there is something that could make me go away. I've never, dude, it's been years. When we had that, like, weight loss competition and Joe sent us to San Francisco to go watch the Warriors and Cavs play. Yeah. This is when Bron was on the Cavs.

So we were, like, watching Braun's staff, you know, like the two premier teams. And this guy picks me up at my house. He gets, he has the car service. come to my house and I get in he's got the it's the like the 64 ounce like 7-11 mug with crushed ice and it's just vodka soda it's 64 ounces dude it's massive wow I'm like what is it he's like it's like early it's like 8 o'clock in the morning he drinks that and I'm like he's like he's like have one come on man fucking have one it's such a good peer pressure I'm like okay you're not you're not a drink

And you got, we walked into the, we walked into the Admiral's Club. Oh, right away by, at the airport, they're like, burr! Like the bartenders? Everyone. And then they'd like put it down. They're like, here you go. Like they just, he doesn't have to say what he wants. I never said.

His name was Carl, he's passed away now. Carl would put down drinks. And then every time right before I go to get in the plane, Carl would go, hey, traveler. I go, yeah, he goes, Caucasian. I go, please. And then a coffee cup, like a big coffee cup, he'd make a white Russian for me. So it looked like I was drinking coffee on the plane. And they go on the plane with a white Russian and just sip.

Oh, dude. Bro, by the time we landed, he's like seven doubles into the day. And then we go to the hotel and he's like, let's check out the bar. Let's go have a drink at the bar, right? And I'm like, I need to take a nap right now. I'm already bombed drunk. And then we go to the game. Your ability to not pass out.

Drinking just keeps going on. So when we finally get back, like I'm really like hanging. I've had four drinks, you know, he's on whatever. And then we got, he's like, let's go smoke a cigar. Yeah, I thought you were going to, I was wondering if you were going to remember that. And we go to start smoking a cigar. And then I'm sitting here smoking a cigar, but I'm like, oh, Jesus. Like, I never drank this much.

And so finally, like, you know, we're getting to the end of our cigar. I'm like, all right, he goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm going to go to bed. He goes, don't you want this feeling to continue? Like, don't you want this to just keep going? And I'm like, no. I want to lay the fuck down. There is a different thing that you get where it's like, let's go hard.

And that normal people go like, I can't, I have nothing. want more than laying in a bed. Yeah. It would be so nice. No. So you're three months into sobriety. Can I tell you the crazy part is I just got blood work back? Yeah.

Well, don't listen to that. You've always been perfect. Dude, don't listen to that blood or liver now is healthier than it's been in years. Hmm. And I cannot wait to put a fucking dent in it. Dude, all I hear, I cannot wait for it to go, oh. What happened? I got my numbers back.

And they've never been like in the 18s and the 20s. It's always, you know, 36, you know, 45. All right at the top. Boom. I'm like ready to get after it. It's almost like you can connect these dots. Blood pressure, blood pressure, Tom. Perfect.

Low. I got low blood. They're taking me off meds. Wow. I'm off meds. I'm like, it's crazy. So no point of you goes, I'm going to not drink now. Like, everybody's in the, like.

Sorry, I apologize. Well, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Here's a deal. Let's break it down. Let's break it down. You will not be remembered.

No one will remember you. You will have no legacy. Wow. When you're the last person that remembers your name is dead, no one will ever talk about you again. Right. That's it. It's over. Life's a cash grab.

That's true. So I never fucking think it's anything more than a cash grab. All these fucking influencers waking up and cold plunging and sauna and running 12 miles and doing 100 miles thinking that they're going to leave a legacy, you're not. You're fucking. You're going to die next to Doug Stanhope. True Bears 5K coming May 9th, 2026. But it's, it's, that's all I'm getting is influencers. And, and, and it's like they've, you know, you get half of them sobriety is their brand

where they're trying to monetize it, you know, like, some fucking piece of garbage today on the side of a fucking thing. And he was like, I got 300 days sober. I got custody of my daughter back. And you're like, immediately I find he goes, I'm, I clear a man. million dollars a year. If you too want to learn how to clear million dollars a year, I'm like, fucking pussy, get out of here, you couldn't handle it. And then I get the ones they're like, let me tell you something. When I was drugs and alcohol, I was, I would run you

over with my car for drugs. I would do anything for drugs. And then I go, and they're like, but I got God first, family second, my church third, and then I'm like, and you are still one key bump away from sucking my dick. Like, let's be clear. Like, you're not there. You It didn't fix the fucking problem. Also, I run you over my car to get drugs. You can just buy it. Yeah. You don't have to hurt anybody.

You just buy it from a dealer. These kids, the, all I get are sobriety stories. Every now and then I get a go, like Nick's words, and I've said this to Nick, so I don't mind sharing. When Nick talks about not drinking. Nick doesn't drink either? Oh, no. He, but, man. And I, once again.

He's sober. He's sober, but he's good. He's really, like, changed. That's fair. No, yeah, that's fair. I mean, his fun days of drinking were a long time ago. I mean, I'm not going to tell any Nick stories out of school, but if you listen to the Blocks podcast, he did with Neil Brennan,

you, he, my favorite part of the Blocks podcast, because only a real drinker would think this would shade it is he goes, you know, and Neil's like, what's it like when you were having like a real drinking time? He goes, I don't know, get up around like nine, go to the bar, and Neil goes nine,

and Nick goes, maybe 10. as if that's better. Oh, so good. But all these kids these days, they're not drinking. They're all microdosing. And it's like you're not, I mean, listen, I just think, you know, part of the fun of drinking, and I wish marijuana offered this. Like I was talking to someone about starting a weed company, but I want, here's what I want. I want such low-dose weed at the same ratio as alcohol.

It's coming back. You keep doing it. So you do it. So you do it. No, that's coming back. Low weed, shitty, Mexican weed.

Yeah, I want low weed because part of the fun of drinking is doing it. Is do you want another one? Do you want another one? Do you want another one? Hey,

one more before you go. That energy. The thing, when you take 10 milligrams of an edible, then you're done and you're just like, well, the imbibing is gone.

Yeah. You know? Right, yeah, you can't keep running it. And I'm going to be honest with you, and I'm being very real, 10 milligrams is a lot for me. I can't do 10 milligrams

and enjoy it. I'm a 5 milligram guy quite often, 2.5 and then fucking drink on it and then take another 2.5. And then you're chilling. But like I alcohol is such a brilliant

social lubricant in life. I mean I've met so many people on planes in bars so many great times are had when that person breaks their willpower and goes fine, fuck it, let's have a drink. And all these kids are missing out in that and they're just like, I got up, I worked out,

I'm this. I do. And so it's all based off these dudes they saw in the military, you know, put out like these channels where they're in the manosphere. You know, you don't need alcohol. You just need to work out. Let me show you a kettle wall complex. And you're like, what the fuck?

It makes no sense to me. So you're going to go hard in. Yeah. And then you're allowed to like, there's no ease back up. You're allowed to, once they say July 12th, you're so loud. Well, I don't know. I'm in production. I don't know.

I think I'm in production in July. So definitely I'm afraid to go off the bent Like if it's a weekend I may go on I'm gonna fucking just take it fucking And then And then fly home

You know And then there's part of me That's part of me that says Don't cheat it Like don't cheat it Yeah This is my first time drinking I want to

What I may do on July 12th Right Have one beer to break the number To get rid of the number The number fucks you up The number fucks you up The number is what fucks you up The number

I talked to someone the other day How many days you've had sober? He goes, he goes, 375 days. I went what? He was 375 days. What's that? Duolingo? I wish I'd never started counting.

And I was like, really? He goes, the numbers fucking me up. He goes, I don't have a problem, but he goes, now I'm obsessed with the number. I get that with Duolingo because I just don't want it to break. Oh, you were joking. You were joking. Yeah. Yeah.

What happens with Duolingo? You get a street going. You get a street going. And then you're like, I don't want to break my street. So I have to, people weigh. And they do that. At 11.30 p.m., you'll hear the sound a bunch in bars. you'll hear that dual lingo i gotta get my streak i gotta it's almost midnight yeah are you on it too

jesus it's so good this is he's doing this just for you love it i love it i love it fuck wait do you have a streak i just stopped it four years and then i'm now i'm done i'm just like i got to four years i'm out it's a total it's it's it's engineered you know it's like really they know what it's about to happen to you what it's about to get warm and you're about to melt into your seat and a thunderstorm could come running up on you and you wouldn't fucking move. A shark could swim up to you

and you feel confident enough to push its nose away. I love how great is it being drunk and it's raining out and you're just like, I'm fine. I'll just stay here. Guys, I don't. Drunk in the rain is good. I'm fine.

Yeah, that's a good one. No. The rain especially. I'm like, come on, come in. You're like, I'm fine. We were driving through Greensboro, North Carolina yesterday. Home town.

Are you serious? Yeah, I lived there until fourth grade. Colette 7. That makes so much of 7. We're driving. Drink water. We're driving from the arena to this place where there's a mural of me.

A woman did this beautiful mural of me. It's huge. It's like fucking 100 feet big. What? I know. In Greensboro? In Greensboro? Just type in Greensboro, North Carolina,

mural, Bert. I'm sure it'll come up. So I'm driving there. And I saw. like I'm only gonna call him Lithuanian because that's what he looked like you know 5-6 shaved gray hair

shorts no shirt belly and he's in the middle of a yeah that's the mural that's a mural yeah Jesus on the side of a building yeah I went so I was going to see that you look good there and this guy this guy was sitting in a parking lot

with a tall boy and it's cigarette barefoot in a bathing suit in a lawn chair and he was just sitting there and nothing just drinking by himself and i went that's so sexy so sexy that's crazy that's a crazy mural dude yeah yeah yeah that's pretty i gotta give the shout out to the girl who did yeah hold on Jenna rice oh Jenna rice yeah i met i met with her yesterday she's awesome i'm gonna have her do one of leanne but in when in the the AI Leanne and put it on a wall and then do a big one on a wall of Leanna bikini you're gonna hire her to do that yeah yeah do a big one and don't tell

Leanne about it and then just be like holy shit that looks like you and then I'm like wait that is me I go no that can't be why would that be you who would pay to have a in LA yeah that's so funny especially you do it in the neighborhood like somewhere close and she'd be like god damn every time she turns on to Ventura I was just like, what the fuck? This side of a pawns. Yeah. Next to Pony Boy Curtis.

That's really funny, dude. I'm so jealous at you're drinking right now. I'm doing it to make you jealous. I'm not generally a AM drinker. It's crazy. Unless I'm with you, and then it's so fun. You drink so well. I'm the only one who has consistently said you should not give up drinking.

Yeah. This reminds me of how much fun it was when we went to the National Championship game. Going to top. golf first. Do you remember? That's when I realized, like, you do doubles at a two to one rate to our singles. Yeah. Yeah, I don't count doubles as a double.

I just consider it a drink. But you do doubles, you're like, give me two Tito's doubles. Yeah. And we have one Tito's single. My favorite moment in all of that. Yeah. And I wonder if it's, no, I have a couple really favorite. We went to the national championship game, Alabama versus Georgia.

It was an amazing game. Six, sick game. Because these two pieces of shit got below, got below obese. for a bet because they managed to get not obese we had some great moments we stayed in the fourth ward I know where we stayed now because I've lived in Atlanta we stayed in the fourth ward okay it's being gentrified that's how we got that place we started it yeah I we did we were right across from Ebenezer Baptist Church and and and we had that moment in the liquor store where the Prince song was playing and everyone in the liquor store started

dancing but my favorite part out of anything out of anything is when we got miss pat call and say get to the game early the line is crazy yeah and we get to the line too by the way if you're looking at this picture those are two not obese people that's how much space you got yeah just to get the fat yeah yeah it's crazy we get to the game and it's and trump shows us And the line is not even a line. It looks like Vietnam in 1970. It's like they're all trying to get out. Yeah.

It's crazy. Remember I am legend? They're all trying to get to the helicopters. And he's like, can't I got to, that's what it was. I'm never saying anything like that. I love this so much. Go ahead. And Tom says, what if there's two black kids in a blue coats that are just standing there?

They're not doing anything. They're like security or something. They work for the. They do something official. but we don't know what they do. It's all white people going in this national championship game. Tom gives them $300 each and goes,

will you guys walk us through this crowd? And they're like, bet. And so these two young black kids start going, excuse me! Excuse me! It was such a good move. And people were like, what do they do? He goes, ESPN!

We got to get them in right now! We got to get them in right now! And then... And then... And then my favorite moment ever is. As people start getting mad. People are getting mad.

We are in the center. We have made such great time. We are in the center. Everyone behind us sees. I was like, what the fuck? But we're past them. Anyone who's angry, we're past them. And this white woman goes,

who the fuck are they? And he goes, man, they're famous. She goes, I don't know who they are. And he goes, they're famous. She goes, you only hired those two kids because they're black and you knew he wouldn't say anything. And the two black kids go, we're out. And they left.

Left us there. They left us right there. They go, yep, we might be in trouble for this. We're out of here. And then we were stuck standing next to that woman. Oh, right there. Right next to Karen number one. Oh, yeah.

And then people are like, I have never heard you. And then Burke goes, my name's Tom Segura. Yeah. You were like, bro. Google me, I'm on Netflix, motherfucker. I remember that. Oh, damn. That was very fun.

That was such a fun time. What a fun time and what a game. I remember sitting on the back patio smoking. You got nice nice ones. I think you got David officers or something cool ones

and it was like wow And I remember being cold when we were outside Because you guys weren't obese anymore So it was like How much you think our wage is freezing out here in Atlanta Yeah it was cold

How much do you think our weighed then Probably like 2.30 Shut your fucking mouth Then? Look at that What do you think it is? Three Three

Low three Low three I'm not gonna talk about Tom or me I'm talking about You. There was no way Tom was 220 pounds in that picture. I didn't say I was. Wait, what are you? Wait, what's not obese? Not obese was. What's not obese for you guys?

Hang on. I actually, I'll give you the exact, I'll tell you exactly how much I weighed. I took measurements back then. You have the measurements? You keep them? I keep them all. But you'll know your weight, though? Oh, boy. What's just?

Waste. You'll just know your measurement. No, no. What date? I know, I know everything. That was September 30th. No. October 31st, 2017. That's the weigh in, but this is in... This is fat.

January. This is fatter. This is January of the next year. We had to be under, I had to be under 216 pounds. In that photo? No, no. To be not obese. Yes.

Yeah. The fact that you guys were cutting weight, it was so funny. I know. You were like, I'm getting there. That is the impetus. That is the impetus to porosos, really. Honestly, because what happened is, I said I was going to lose weight.

And I was gonna drink the whole time. You do it the right way. And I was like, I will drink, Titos and sodas the whole time. Yeah. Now, I know that I talk shit, but at the time, in 2016, 2016, 17 was the weight loss thing.

16 was the weight loss challenge. 2016 was a lot of challenge because my machine story went viral that week. That's the same week. I left for, I left for Myanmar in 2017, and I found it a computer at a place and started a new email. I was like, guys, I will pay you, but I left.

I thought it was 17. 2016, Tito's was a popular brand of vodka, but they weren't as big as they are today. And I had met a dude on a plane who got a Tito's and soda or got, and who told me about Tito's. And he was a male model. And I started drinking Tito's because of that weight loss because he goes, I can drink it and not gain weight. Oh.

And I said, I'm going to drink Titos, that whole fucking weight loss. And I did. And I went out on a limb and, and. Tito's people started showing up to my shows, giving me gift baskets. And then I reached out to Tito's and was like, yo, I'd like to be a, you know, not, I didn't know brand ambassador wasn't a thing, but I go I'd like to work with the company. And Tito, word got back to me, Tito, the guy, his real name's Burt, said, what? Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito's.

And I went, that was a message that was relayed to you? Yes. And I went, I go, are you being serious? And they're like, yeah. Do you think he was drunk off Tito's? I don't know. I think he was like, I don't know who fuck this. Well, let's be honest. He did build his own brand. He did build his own vodka. He did it all himself. He's got some guy saying this guy, Bert, you know, talks about your vodka a lot. And then he's like, well, fuck him. I mean, why not? Fuck him. Tell him to stop drinking my vodka. I don't go fuck him. I don't know. But was that explicitly said to you. Like, go fuck himself. And then I stopped drinking tito's because of it. And I was like, why I can't drink tito's now? I can't fuck. I don't like the guy. And, and I wasn't looking for like a brand deal. I wasn't looking for a million dollars. I was looking to be involved with the company somehow because I was such a brand ambassador.

And so when we started Porosos, I was like, you know what? Fuck Tito's. Yeah. Fuck him. Fuck Teter. I mean, I hate it because I had so many good memories of drinking Tito's back then. But, you know. Well, this is a better product.

So, fuck me. Let me tell you, if you're a young kid and you're like, y'all, I want to work with poros, you will not hear me say, tell the guy to fuck himself. You should do that to somebody high level. Mr. Beast, you should tell him to fuck off. No way. Jimmy? You don't need his fucking help.

Do you know how much I need Jimmy in my? life. Fuck Mr. Beast. Porosos. I'm their brand ambassador now. There's a bunch of kids that all get fucking faded and then run in the morning.

I love those kids. Get drunk run? They all do it. And there's a dude in Austin who does it. His name's Bender. The last name's Bender. Perfect. So real quick, the end.

The end is out now. It's out on YMH Studios.com. The end. com. Everybody's in it. It's great. I don't forget what to say. No.

Just that you have an incredible lineup and the stories are awesome. Yeah. And there's a prolog in there that you guys have got for free unless you just buy the Nate episode. The Nate episode is a clean episode. Oh, right. We managed to get a clean episode. That's smart. That's smart.

It worked out thematically. But he's not, I mean, he's clean. He just doesn't curse. He's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have people hearing this.

going, clean, I'm out. It's still funny as shit. He's hilarious. But any other episode you get, you get the prologue too, but get the whole season for the discount.

You know, I was looking at my bumpers I recorded, like in South America. Yeah. Knowing this will come out, like save some podcast. So with Bobby Kelly, I just did one.

I was like, the price is $10 each, $9.99, 50 for the season. And then now I got to be like, hey, that was, Tom told me, that's crazy. He said people, $50 for a lot of people is a weak salary. and they can't afford that.

He said, he told me, you told me that people are struggling, they're poor, that everyone's poor except you, and that $50 is just too much. They need to put gas in their car. Okay. So that's great. So it's now $24.99 for the whole, 30 for the whole season, and just, and $6 an episode.

Great deal. That's all I'm about, man. Save those shekels and just, you know, spend them when you can. It is actually, it's a totally great, price for what you put together. So make sure you check it out. It's on YMas3DU.com. Please sign up at 2 Bears 5K.com for the May 9th, 5K.

Bert, myself, a bunch of people. There's gonna be music, there's food. It's a great time. It's at the Rose Bowl. We'll have porosos there. I won't be drinking it. I think I'm gonna smoke weed. You still want to drink that?

Oh, man. I've got to figure out a reason to smoke weed. I know one. Why? Get Snoopy Dog Dog, to come in off some sort of like a zip wire, something fun. maybe give me a golf cart and then light a blunt hand it to you and drive off i would love snoop to break my weed sobriety you can't smoke weed either no i can no i can but i haven't because i haven't

i don't have a reason like i've just been like well i don't need it to go to bed and i don't need it to unwind i just want you should definitely do that yeah yes i'm 90 days 92 days today incredible number well um mazzle or whatever you guys say like i said you know a lot about The only stuff you've learned about cultures is the shit. I mean papers, please? Or what do you guys say? Paper. Oh, that's a different.

Okay. And we'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes to top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call.

Two bears one cave. I'm