2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The GREATEST Soda of All Time w/ Stavros Halkias | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

SPONSORS: Brought to you by BetterHelp, head to https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Go to http://liquiddeath.com/BEARS to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. Head to https://NetSuite.com/BEARS, NetSuite has extended its one-of-a-kind flexible financing program for a few more weeks! We're back with another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are joined by the great and powerful Stavros Halkias!  Stavros and the Bears got soda in their hands and on their minds as they debate which diet sodas are the best. They next get into praising Zach Galifianakis and his contributions to alt-comedy. They also talk about the confederate army, Kirstie Alley's parents, pointy hats, and a very interesting auction item Bert found. Get your root beers and hang out with 3 Bears this week! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 241 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I like the loose vibe. Loose vibe is fun. Nice and loose baby. This is, you've been to your mom's house right? Yes I have. And this is Tom's team's first time being here. From your mom's house. And I go, this, our different offices kind of says a lot about who we are.

Tom's is like an abortion clinic. And mine's where you make the baby. It is a warmer feel. It is definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is just a house. It's a home. It smells like baked goods downstairs. There was a pantry, I literally just was snacking for 20 minutes, I had a nice A&W Zero sugar root beer.

Those are the best. Which you put me onto, Bert. They to Bert. Truly the best thing you've ever done for me. You've done some nice stuff. This is the best. Introduce me to this. Crushes fully loaded. This is the amount of joy I've gotten from Zero Sugar A&W Root Beers. I think it's the best Zero Sugar Soda I've found. Without question. Because I think Coke Zero sucks best zero sugar. So without question without question without doubt because I think coke zero sucks I hate coke you just make do with most diet sodas. It's just like I want a soda I don't know. I was taking some big swings. Yeah, there's zero sugar cream soda. Yeah cherry soda Ooh, it's pretty good diet. Dr. Pepper. Sometimes you're like, yeah, that hits pretty good. That's absolutely bad

Dr. Pepper is a good like like, yeah, that hits pretty good, that's not bad. Absolutely. Diet Dr. Pepper is a good afternoon on the lake soda with ice. There's no other question I take more insulting than when somebody goes, how about a Diet Pepsi? Right. How about you fucking stand in traffic? Hold on. Spit in my eye instead.

So wait, you just gotta change the way you take in the Diet Pepsi. You gotta change your perspective. I was the same way. I don't know about this. I was the same way. I'm very skeptical about way you take in the diet Pepsi. You gotta change your perspective. I was the same way. I don't know about this. I'm very skeptical about this. I was the same way. I'm glad you're voicing my inner thoughts.

Hold on, hold on. I'm here to stand up for Diet Pepsi. Okay. Jesus Christ. Cross the board. Pepsi products are NW Root Beer. Oh really? Yeah, pull up the Pepsi products.

NW Root Beer, Mountain Dew. Let's get into something fellas. Mountain Dew is a Pepsi product All right, a Mountain Dew fucking kills it. No, I mean are you over hung over on vacation? Before a coffee you kill a Mountain Dew than the coffee even hits hard you're being this is the most Florida trash you've ever Said this is a very trashy. This is fun. A Mountain Dew is a morning beverage. That's what you're trying I thought you were gonna say Pepsi products. I thought you were gonna say are for black people They you know that that's a thing that like that's true in the Pepsi coke

Competition like black people they find large prefer pepsi. Oh, see look at this. You're fucking you're wrong It's mug and mug sucks my dick. Okay, A&W is the good root root beer. You're taking some hits here, brother. Dr. Pepper's good, Mountain Dew's good. If you tell me Mountain Dew's not on the list, I'm gonna fuck you. It's there, it's there. You can tell by. But what are you, a fucking gay?

Are you like a Twitch streamer? No. Are you a 14 year old, half Asian kid with a raccoon butt plug in his ass? Will you please Google. I'm playing Minecraft. Will you please Google, do black people like Pepsi more than Coke?

I've never, I went to Baltimore City Public Schools, and I had never clocked this so I've never I didn't know about this Yeah, black people only sell coke. They love Pepsi I'll give you one. I'll give you a courtesy chuckle Tom's in the zone right now. I'm all you got, Bert. A brief history of racist subterranes. I don't know that this is how we need to open up. Click that. Click right here. I don't know that this is what. I love they have an ad for diversity in here. Keep going. Good science demands diversity.

Every time I've hung out with black dudes and soda comes up. Pepsi. Pepsi. Always. Hold on. Let's call the blackest man in America. Who's that? Don L. Rollins.

Oh yeah. That's interesting. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Rollins. Don L. Roll up. Pepsi. Pepsi, always. Hold on, let's call the blackest man in America. Who's that? Don L. Rollins.

Oh yeah. That's interesting. Don L. Rollins. He can speak for the streets, listen to what he says. Yeah. We were a bit, I guess I'm thinking about, again, going to school, there was a lot of raspberry iced tea floating around.

That was a big one. But that's what, that was just what the cafeteria had. So it wasn't a choice thing. And then, you you know Mountain Dew. I'm putting a lot of chips on this right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm kind of just going yeah, yeah Donnell I'm doing a podcast with Stobby and Tom Speaking of beverages, yes guys was Stobby and Tom. What's up, Donnell? What's going on? What up, son? Hey, man. I got a question. I got a question for you. And you're speaking for all of black America right now. As I always do.

I know. Okay. Am I right in the assumption I made? You can't say the N word, Tom. No, no. I know, I know. Come on, he's sort of Hispanic. I know.

Whenever I see a white man sit the way you sit, they wanna use the N word. Okay, okay. We'll shift shifted to this For the most part do black dudes prefer Pepsi over Coke Pepsi Wow Wow told you There's a book called the Pepsi challenge and back in like the late 40s when Coca-Cola and Pepsi they was the top top dogs, right? Coca-Cola was

murdering Pepsi and Pepsi wanted to get more of the black community. I know this sounds crazy. So what they did was they had the same prices Coke but they doubled the ounces. Like when Coke was giving away 10 ounces, when Coke was giving away 10 ounces, Pepsi would give away 20 ounces. And Pepsi Cola was the first big corporation to put black families in a professional setting with the marketing. Like when you saw a brand being represented, it was like, answer mom and this, but it was the first one to show black people.

So do you, do you prefer, do you prefer, do you prefer Pepsi? Do you prefer Pepsi? No, cuz I did white women But historically historically the reason why it's fucking wild, okay Yeah That's awesome, thank you for filling us in did you guys But the reason why is because Pepsi was one of the first companies to show black people the good luck. That's awesome. Thank you for filling us in, Dono.

Did you guys plan this? Any other African American? This motherfucker had like a... No, no, we're good. He cited his sources. I know, it was incredible. All right, we're sending you a case of vodka. I've also heard that like...

Love it, brother. That in blind taste tests, you know, where you just have a little sample. Both blind people love Pepsi. But that Pepsi like always wins blind taste tests because it is a sweeter drink and people go like, uh, yes. The Pepsi challenge. You remember? I don't know about the book that Donnell's talking about, but I remember that was the

craze when I was like, I don't know, 13. You put a little, you know, you eat an oyster cracker, drink some soda. I mean, you were just, we were doing the Pepsi challenge for fun at home. Well Coke, when you were a kid, Coke took a big hit because they changed their, um, they went to Clear Coke. I do, I remember hearing about that as a soda historian. They knew Coke. Yeah.

And they fucked it up. Coke has now. This is why they came with the name Classic. Coke is classic. It was to tell people, hey, that bullshit we did is sorry. Yeah. This is what you were used to. Well, that is true.

I mean, there is something, the nostalgia, anytime you're doing nostalgia, American nostalgia. It does feel racist So you know what I mean like it makes sense why black people be like the new one the one Michael Jackson drank with a We want that we don't want Coca-Cola classic that script that font is like from before segregation Yeah, we use a typeface that a guy That font is like from before segregation. Yeah Who never who did and never went to school with black people classic should have like a guy going Sit with your own sit with your own, sit with your own. Yeah. We should do some Coke ads. Yeah. That's a good idea.

I always had this fantasy of doing a Pepsi ad where it was like, you just, it was in the middle of a domestic argument and then a guy just fucking like threw a pan and hit the woman and then she's crying and as she weeps, the camera turns and it's just like Pepsi, you know? Like, it was just, just the can sitting there. They should do a taste test where it's just like Pepsi, you know? Like, it's just the can sitting there.

They should do a taste test where it's a guy blindfolded and they bring out a Coke and a cock and he takes a cock, he goes, that's Pepsi. And then, so Pepsi, well I just started, I just started fucking with Pepsi. Just start by the way. The one you just described is cock flavored? Dude, I got two, I got two Pepsi zeroes here.

Dude, you do. I did start fucking with Pepsi. I love that we're getting deep into diet so to say I have a lot of thoughts I have yeah, I could tell us our by the way with that don alcohol. I think the podcast is over Yeah, that was a perfect that was a perfect person to call. Yeah, see is So I was always a diet coke guy hardcore. I know DC's are called DC's out of Nick. Yeah, sure And how'd you come up with that? That's very inventive DC's Never has anyone ever called me SH in my life

Great idea. SH. That's good man. You should call your next personal. Greek flag. That feels like I'm like keep the allegations quiet. That SH does not feel right. SH does not feel right.

I think I'm going to pass. So I started drinking diet Pepsi. You started fucking with Pepsi. Yeah, so I fuck with Pepsi I just had to change my perception of when I drank it So DC has always been for me like I need something to drink Give me DC and then I just drink it and it's and it's casual. It's in my mouth. It's familiar This is insane It's like it's like a get-me-through-the-day drink. It's like I don't want a coffee, give me a DC.

I started looking at Pepsi as a treat, because it is a little sweeter, and I started thinking, do you remember those times when your grandma would sit you down and say, well, sit down and have a drink, and your grandma's always pulled out Pepsi, and my grandma would pull out Pepsi, and I was a Coke guy because I grew up in the South.

But then you have a Pepsi with you, and it felt like you were splurging and having a moment. So I started thinking about my grandma every time I drink a Diet Pepsi and it makes me ... I don't know anybody who's more into splurging and little treats than you are. Yeah, that's true. I'm also realizing you're an incredible, you're a huge liquids guy. Because I mean, I think everybody thinks you're like a fucking drunk, obviously, but I mean,

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I'm sorry, Bert. It hasn't been every decision you've made. Listen, man, it's a double-edged sword, pal. We're playing fucking arenas. People are sitting out in the sun for eight hours drinking fucking Miller's and Bud's all fucking day. I think you did very well for that, right? Yeah. But it's not also not, I guess what I'm realizing is it's not, it doesn't have to be alcoholic.

You're a huge, you're talking about these, you're talking about, like how often in your day are you drinking a liquid? Are you ever dry? Do you ever spend any time not liquid it up? And then, I'm sorry, one more thing. And then it's like these associations you have with the liquids are fascinating. Because you're talking about your grandma, and it's like there's such a deep, I feel like there's a deep psychology with every drink you drink, that we could probably unravel Burt

one beverage at a time, I feel like. Probably. I can tell you what I want to have if I'm gonna get in the pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I immediately. Situationally, you have. What's your pool drink?

Yeah, let's go pool, let's go. Campari Spritz. Let's throw different. Campari Spritz. Campari Spritz is one of the best goddamn drinks in the fucking world. I like the other one. Aperol Spritz.

Okay, so I was a child when Campari on Ice was introduced as the, it was like, Campari on Ice, oh so nice. Yeah. And I tried, one day I was like, I wanna try Campari on Ice, it's garbage. It's really garbage. It's very rough.

It's very rough. Yeah, cool color though. But I wanted, but it looks, it's cool color. It's very rough. It's very rough. Yeah. Cool color though. But it looks, it's cool color, it's a cool name. Great color. And then I was with- Makes you feel sophisticated. I was with Antonio La Fossa.

European. The chef. And she said, would you, we should have an Campari Spritz. And I went, well, I don't think I've ever had one. Two parts Campari, three parts Prosecco, one part soda water, and it gives you a bite on the back of your tongue, but a freshness, and it kicks, I could have one right now.

Actually, can you have them make me a Campari Spritz, please? I can't do this. I get it. Yeah, no, I was an asshole calling you a drunk. Yeah. Have Pete make me a Campari Spritz, please. I fucking love a nice Campari Spritz, but I don't like, I have a friend, I had a friend,

he's no longer drinking, who only drank Johnny Walker Black. I thought he was gonna die. I thought he died, and it's like, he might as well be dead to you. Well, we don't talk that much. But he was just Johnny Walker Black. Everywhere, Johnny Walker Black. That was his only drink.

And if they didn't have Johnny Walker Black, he wasn't drinking. Really? And he was a big drink Walker Black. That was his only drink. And if they didn't have Johnnie Walker Black, he wasn't drinking. And he was a big drinker, he wouldn't even fucking drink. If they didn't have Johnnie Walker Black, no booze. And I never understood that, because I thought booze should compliment your moment. It should, if you're at the Wailer down in Marina Del Rey, and you're on the top deck,

and you get some little calamari. You definitely want a margarita with ice around the rim, frozen with a floater on top, brown, come on, Jesus. I mean. See, I'm such a food addict that I'm still thinking about the calamari. Me too. I don't give a fuck about the, I mean, Mark, good,

but I'll have a number of drinks, but fucking rooftop, looking at the water with some calamari. The best. That's some good good I guess I'm honestly thinking beer in that situation because I think about being in Greece because they have all these little like beachside like taverns that's problem beers beers overwhelmed our culture when beer should be had at beer moments what's a beer moment? Your skiing in Jackson Hole we stopped off and you stop up yeah. You stop off and you stop off, yeah, you're snowboarding. And then you stop off at the little ski chalet.

Everyone's out there. All the girls look beautiful. Everyone's got their jackets off. And you go, ooh, I wouldn't mind a nice IPA. Nice heavy IPA. You know what the status of their outerwear is? That's the most specific. Here's what I would say for beer. It's hot and I would like a beer.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I just got out of a pool, I'm drinking a beer. You can have a jacket on. Hot day in Texas, by the way, with a cider. Oh, okay. That is the most, because it actually is thirst quenching. Yeah. Delicious, goes down like it's fucking Gatorade.

Have you had sour beer? Sour beer? A big sour beer guy. Sour beer is fucking great. I feel refined when I drink that shit too. Pure Alabama eating barbecue. Like it's fucking Gatorade you had sour beer sound big sour beer guys our beers fucking sorry I feel refined when I drink that you're in Alabama eating barbecue Okay, a sour beer is the best thing to compliment barbecue because you want sweet to your lemonade You also want to buzz so I had that shit. I feel like every time we got in a sour they fucking poured in a goblet That's not very like you know, Birmingham, Alabama right across from

This great barbecue restaurant. There's a sour beer pub. I'll tell you what kind of changed beer for me. I'm not a big beer drinker, but I went to this dude's house who kept, he had all his beer was in a fridge set at like 34, 33 or something. The dedicated beverage fridge is one of the most beautiful things in the world. So cold? Like, you know what I mean? Like, almost frozen? Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Man. I don't want to even somewhat warm. You know what I mean? No. I want it fucking ice cold. You want to hiccup the first fucking, the first gulp. You know the hotel across the street from CAA over in Central City? There's a big hotel right across the street from CAA next door to where they shot Die Hard. The Takamimi Towers or whatever. Yeah. There's a... hotel right across the street from CAA next door to where they shot diehard the Takamimi towers

Yeah, there's a yakutomi. Yeah, I'm opposed. There's a hotel there and the bar my dick's gonna get hard They enter kind of know and the bar has Frosted taps the taps are covered in ice and I can I did leave CAA Can not. I had to leave CAA. I had to leave CAA. No job. I left that. I left my meeting there. I went over to that bar and I had like six beers. I left my car at CAA and had to Uber home.

I was like, I can't work with these people. I can't work with them. They're fucking killing me. God, fucking beer is pretty great, too. I know. I'm taking a year off all substances. I turned 35 this year. When did you do that? February, February 12th. So you've been. So you have. You saw the full year substances. I turned 35 this year. When did you do that? February 12th.

So you saw the full year almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like we're- You're not almost there, but yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, I thought you were gonna do it next February. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's been about three months.

And I realized I'm not, I mean, I wasn't a huge drinker for me. It's way more weed and drugs. Those are much more, and honestly food, a huge drinker for me. It's way more weed and drugs that those are much more and honestly food That's much worse for me But I was fucking grilling and I was and it was hot and I was in Baltimore and I got a little backyard and I got a non-alcoholic beer because that to me is just such a Pure beer moment of like got a fucking got a little bratwurst got a fucking couple lamb chops

Yeah, I gotta have a little bruskie. What's the hardest food for you to resist? Is there, is it like, like, carby, starchy stuff, sweet? It's night ice cream, brother. It's what? Night ice cream. Night ice cream, yeah. I'm clean off, honestly, I think of that as a drug.

Like, I think of that, like, I'm sober off, I can't be sober off food, you have to eat food, but I am sober off of full fat night ice cream for three months now. That's like, and so listen, will I have some Halo Top, methadone every once in a while, in a hard moment? Yes I will. I will have a 330 calorie, fucked up tasting Halo Top.

And I also got one of those Ninja Creamies to just fucking make your own, it's just protein powder and almond milk. And it comes up with again, some kind of fake. How has the three months affected you? Have you noticed changes mentally, physically? Not really. I mean I guess I'm happier,

but I'm also not working as much. So it's like probably just from not doing shit that I feel better. And everyone's like oh you're gonna miss working you're gonna be back at it no I fucking hate doing anything even it's like I'm done like I just would I could do nothing forever I'm a fucking hangout guy I could have a fucking little bar with my see my friends beach just chill whatever I guess I'd want to do stand-up, but we're talking 15 minute spots You know I don't need to do an hour just fucking do a couple spots get ready for an hour

Just fuck around on stage. Just fucking have a good time That'd be cool to go back to that world to like when we all first start with you started when you started When all the social media was starting to kick in not Not really, I mean, I started, when I started, there was like Twitter, but you would just write your jokes. No one really had a YouTube, I was lucky in that, like dude, I feel bad for people starting to stand up now because they have to post their dog shit clips now. Yeah, I like to remind them that they don't have to.

Well yeah, they don't, but I remember what I, but remember how you felt when you were 24, you're like, I'm actually one of the funniest people on earth Like you think that and it's like your joke about my jokes were about like, you know Not being too fat to wipe my ass, you know what I mean? Like and shit like that take that out the new special. Yeah And yeah, I would if I could have I would have shown the world because in my head I'm like well Yes, I'm yes. I'm the feature here at Uncle Dave's comedy hour at the Red House Tavern in Baltimore But where I should be is on fucking Saturday Night Live. So I just thought it was like

Media holding me back not how shitty I was at comedy And so I get the site because because to even want to do stuff, you have to be fucking stupid and like, you know, and think you deserve for people to hear you talk, which almost nobody does, like eight people in the world do, but especially not some 22 year old with no life experience, nothing that's ever happened. It was just harder when I started to get the clip and get it posted,

and there wasn't as many places. But when it first went up, I was like, oh, this is, people are really going to celebrate this clip. Right. And wait until the world beats hurt. Oh, I posted something on MySpace video. That's the first place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, I was a, literally,

I probably posted the second or third time I did standup, and like my big fucking joke was like, you wanna know where to find me on a Friday night? Paddle your canoe up the river of semen and tears. Like, I'm beating off and crying. And I was like, Heat fuck gonna get me fucking a sitcom And it's like not even a joke. That's not a joke I was like a sort of entered like a kind of cute little phrase, but incredibly vulgar and yeah

I guess it's sort of poetic like it is closer to a poem. It's a great description But yeah, I remember posting the grainiest footage you ever seen in your fucking life. And I got I remember reading that was the time where you're excited to see the comments. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't know what comments were. Here's the thing now that I remember it wasn't that I had posted it cuz I didn't think I knew how to do that. It's that it was like just for laughs had posted it. You know, I was like, oh, let me see all the praise I'm gonna get. And people were like, don't quit whatever you're doing during the day. Oh yeah.

I remember wanting any feedback. I was like, I remember people would like, Zach Galifianakis would have a clip up of him getting smacked in the face by an Asian chick or something. Sounds awesome. And I think either that or he hit her. I don't know.

But Zach. And we're talking about comedy? Zach, have you ever seen Live for the Purple Onion? I've seen it before. Yeah, I think he makes an Asian woman slap him in the face. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And so, hold on, hang on, hold, okay.

Real quick, I'm going back to this. I don't wanna forget. Have either of you ever heard how Christi Alli's parents died? Christi Alli's parents? No. Okay. Do not let me, do not let me forget too. Okay.

You're never gonna believe this. All right. And I'm only doing this so that I can hear your laugh. Okay, great. It is her death. Her parents' death, okay. You in a million years will never be able to guess how her parents died. And she's dead right? She's dead so we can play this clip. Okay. That's how it works. Do not let me forget to play this clip.

Okay. But let's go back to where we're talking about. Live from the Purple Onion. And I remember all my videos were what's wrong with black people? Because I just wanted action. I wanted action. And I was like, doesn't matter who watches it, like just gets action. And I was like, God man, Zach's so lucky, people are shitting on him. Like, God.

Like that was your feed? That's what you were interested in? Or you were putting out, what's wrong with black people? I was putting it out. Oh no. No, but it was a bait, it was early click bait. Early click bait, because the joke was good, but it was like, what's wrong with black people? And then black people were like, what the fuck?

And then they didn't like it anyway. They were like, oh yeah, you got me, but you got me white guy, you got me. I had so many, that was my whole, I remember being jealous that like, Zach had the coolest like footprint. Like he was like, in his Wikipedia it says he was a member of the Omega Phi Psi fraternity.

And I was like. Oh, the like black fraternity. The cute dogs. Yeah, and I was like, oh fuck, they're fucking with this. How cool is that? And now I look back, I'm like, well he must have not liked that. He must have been like, hey guys.

I don't know, Zach. I would love to see him in a Omega 5. I would have loved to see young Zach with you. Yeah, absolutely. Young Zach. Big hero. Come on, Galifianakis. Yeah. Did you know him at all? No, I don't know him at all. Yeah. Zach, do you remember how great, I mean, Zach's still... I was a huge, I mean, when Live with the Purple Onion and all that stuff, like I was, his Comedy Central half hour, like it obviously because he's Greek But I was also on that a little bit on that like alti, you know, I did clubs too, but I just loved his shit So it was like yeah, you pop around town when I was popping around like doing those spots and With Zach would pop in everybody would fucking yeah flip. And people just stole the joke construction of like,

here's my impression of, what is it like, the illiterate, the like, fuck, I'm blowing it, but it's like, he'd just do like these very shitty impressions and they were just like these little jokes, the potential illiterate, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry, I can't read, you know, like Yeah, I stole that like I was just stealing his shit, you know as an open mic or you're just like doing He was these little setups and you know, these like impressions that are just little micro

Did you ever see I mean the thing that was crazy about Zack was he would go up and in an orphan Annie dress You ever see this? Yeah, and he would bring and he would have a black choir hidden behind the Bunker thing he'd tell a borderline racially involved Yeah, it's a wild shit And he'd say I got a letter from a woman a black woman who didn't like that joke And I want to apologize to her in the best way I can possibly can. And then the curtain would drop

and there would be an all black choir and there'd be singing, and then Zach would have a clipboard and he'd drop papers of, and it was so fucking inventive. I mean, like no one was doing what Zach was doing, and he was like totally free, like a real artist, him in Comedians of Comedy,

it's a real glimpse at like a real brilliant mind that hasn't been fucked with yet. Like he was so, like everyone was excited to see him. And he said this, I remember watching all his shit, and my mom's gold Grand Caravan got a flat on the way to Comedians in Cars, and I didn't get to see that show, the Wrecker in Towson, still one of the things

I'm the saddest about in my life. I can I can barely drive and it's like I just fucked I just get a flat I'm just there. I'm like I want to see alt comedy You know, but he had he was talking about when he edited his special He played the piano on purpose so they couldn't take jokes out It would fuck with the music and he he like, he would take off his like, his clothing so that they couldn't jump around and cut around. And he like made it so that, cause I guess, I mean you guys would know better than me,

but it feels like they fucked around with people's half hours quite a bit. Oh, especially back, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was a big thing. I also remember that there was this thing about Zach too, that I didn't really understand then, is that he always seemed like he didn't wanna be there. Like everywhere you saw him, he was like, ugh.

And he was like ready to leave. Always. That's Greek work ethic right there. That's what that is. I feel it. He was the first guy to rock scarves on stage. He would dress like eccentrically, but on purpose, like accidentally eccentrically, but on purpose. Like, accidentally eccentrically.

He, and he was the funnest fucking guy to drink with. When he drank, he was such a good drunk. Like he was just. Is he sober now? Yeah, sober. Yeah. Every time Bruce says that, he says it with sadness in his voice. Yeah, we lost one.

That was a tough one to lose. He still is the sweetest guy. I saw him at Brody's funeral. He's Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. And he comes up and he goes, hey, Bert, it's Zach. And I went, yeah, I know.

Yeah, yeah. And he was like, why didn't I know if you'd remember? And I was like, buddy, you're in the biggest comedy in the history of comedy. Everyone knows who you are, Zach. And he's like, well, it's good seeing you. I was like, it's great seeing you. And then he murdered at Brody's Roast.

He murdered. He murdered, did you go to Brody's Roast, or Roast, funeral? His memorial thing. Yeah, no, no, no. He went in, the best story they had, he walked into, Zach walked Brody into HBO to sell the Enjoy It,

and they didn't know what show they were shooting. HBO didn't know what show they were buying. And they said, so tell us about Brody. And he goes, this is really hard. Brody, give us your top five streets in LA. And he goes, Satecoy, Sepulveda, I like the base. And he just starts going off on his five favorite streets in LA and they go, we'll buy it.

And Zach goes, I don't know what the fuck we sold. Yeah, Brody was a fucking, he never had a drink. When we were in the wings, after Zach had done his tribute, which was like really funny and also really touching, and then somebody else went up and they started crying, and Zach goes, pussy. Just quietly, just to us. That's great. Just quietly, just to us. That's great.

It's always tough at a funeral when somebody crushes it and you gotta, and then somebody's just like, you know what, I think I'm gonna go speak from the heart and then they blow it. One of the worst feelings of all time. Brody's buddies are all baseball players, athletes. And so they all thought, I remember one guy was at the funeral and he was like, dude, I can't believe I'm doing a set at the store. Oh no. It's a memorial.

And he did a spot. He did, he roasted Brody. Everyone's like, that's tough. It was a tough one. And then Zach went up and was fucking destroyed that guy. Yeah. God, he's so fucking good, man. He's so good.

I wish, I don't, I mean, I guess he's like you. He is like you. I'm always fascinated. I mean, this is a compliment because your generation has a work ethic that's different than our generation. Like, I can't stop working. And I remember like you, DeStefano, your whole group of guys were all like, yo, work enough so that you can enjoy life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

I'm fascinated by that. Yeah. yeah I mean I don't want to because I think ultimately working like this this idea that you have to constantly be doing more and more is so fucked up and poisonous I think and that's like that is the problem with America to me is is the like capitalism is good up until the point where you just have to keep going and it's like why don't you just find the place where it's nice and stop? Why do we have to keep, why do shareholders always want more? Why can't you just be a profitable business and get to see your family and get to do all these things? And you know, I think that is something where, I mean, most people my age can't like, are working fucking just to survive.

So it's almost like this thing of the best. The best thing you could do is if you're successful, is like actually just get to live like what a middle class person got to live like, you know, one generation ago, like the middle class doesn't exist anymore. So all I want is to, you know, have a good time, make some stuff that's fun and then figure out being happy, because the other thing is being successful doesn't fucking make you happy. It's not doesn't fucking make you happy. It doesn't necessarily make you happy. You just gotta... I'll tell you what, being unsuccessful makes you sad.

I don't know, you never got to be... I have a really sweet spot in this business. And Tom saw it first hand. Is like, I was on Travel Channel and like not really... I mean I was successful but not like... Not across the board successful but not like, not across the board, everyone was like, oh, Bert's here. And then Tom was with me when everyone started popping, everyone started blowing up

and Tom started doing theaters and Rogan's podcast is growing and Ari's got 700,000 downloads on his podcast, Skeptic Tanks, he's doing his show and I got fired from Travel Channel. And I remember being, it's not like you're a pariah, but there's a stink on you with other comics. They'd look past you.

And trust me when I say, I think even at Brody's Roast, Tom goes, and everyone's like, oh, Tom Skerr is here. And I was just, I think I sat at the table with Ewan Push because I didn't know where to sit. And because I wasn't a made man. And people that show up,

like I remember Bradley Cooper showed up, and was like, oh fuck, it's Bradley Cooper. And I remember being like, whoa. And so like, I remember not being, thinking, am I cool with the fact that I'm 44 and it's not gonna happen? And people know it's not gonna happen. And people would look past you. They'd look past you at a party or look and you're in the hallway of the store and they're like, oh shit

Crystal is here and they'd walk right past you and you were like, okay, and that's your life. Yeah, and and But see that's a perfect example because I would say You know, what's crystal? Leah's life like right now? You know what I mean? Like the point is success, if your personal life isn't right, if you might have a couple of kooky habits, your personal life, it's like your success is not gonna save you from that. And that's also, I think a lot of your psychology too,

of like maybe that's true because people are shitty, but your, how you want it to be perceived didn't match up with like your perception maybe. But- Of how I felt about myself. Right, right, right. And also it's like, but that's what you can control. And sorry, now we're just getting into fucking therapy

and like philosophy. I would actually, I would be curious, and I hope we can keep this in the podcast, but I would be curious to hear Deleah's perspective if he's happier now that his life is less chaotic, less crazy with his kid. You know, that really wasn't what I was talking about. I wasn't really talking about him slowing down career-wise.

That was the negatives with Chris Delia. I was kinda talking about some other stuff he was up to. But that is a great insight into your mind, Bert, where it's like it does matter to you in a way where and maybe that's upbringing Right, like maybe you have you feel the need to live up to something because like look I didn't also come from I mean My parents came to America. We we grew up poor. I grew up in Baltimore and my thought process was I just wanted to fucking make $70,000 a year playing B clubs my entire life. That was the only goal I had. I wanted to put out one special,

and I wanted to make one really good special. Career-wise, I wanted to just be a comedian, and artistically, I wanted one special that I could look at myself in the eyes and say, that was a great special. What it did commercially didn't matter to me. So I had an artistic goal, and I had a a career goal and I blew past the career goal in a way that I still am having trouble with and artistically I'm not there yet and so that

gives me purpose of like I want to make one thing that I think is great and so I just feel like I'm kind of playing with house money and my family is fucking good because of me and I've kind of done it, you know? And it's like... That's awesome. And that's just kind of how I feel like- That's a great perspective. And then it's like, you know, I'd like to fix some psychological shit in my family. We're good financially, but I have a fucked up relationship with commitment, relationships,

all this. Like my career is great, but my personal life, I didn't work on at all. And so that's the thing I want to... And I think you're in a great place where you were working on your family the whole time, and like, that's a different thing of... of... you know, I don't have that. And then you might have had some stuff, I don't know if it's like family stuff,

I don't know what the background is, I don't know... the like, what you wanted to achieve. And... so like, you were feeling like a piece of shit when you're like 45 or whatever but you can look at that I could look at that as a very successful career where you were at I always thought of your successful comic both you guys like coming up you're very aware of you know now you could argue what you're doing now is fucking insane like it is it's crazy like it's there's no other

you're both doing fucking arenas. Yeah, that's fucking crazy, dude But you got buses, you know what I mean? Like and not one there's like buses for there's buses for fucking The stage and shit like that. No, I would argue that's fucked up in too much You know what I mean? Like I would argue it's like you're gonna drive yourself fucking crazy And I've told you this to where I'm like'm like, you can't keep fucking working like this. It's insane. Well, the next time I get the... It's always been a progression.

Clubs to theaters, theaters to arenas, clubs to rock venues, rock venues to theaters, theaters to arenas. Arenas, arenas, there's like two tiers of arenas. There's hockey arenas where you can get everywhere. There's like seven, 8,000, which is a great fucking night. And then you get Amalie, which is what, 19, or fucking United Center. And then you go, okay, so two at the United Center.

And then you're like, wait, what am I chasing? Yeah, what's the fucking, that's my point exactly. What am I chasing? It doesn't go bigger than arenas, it does stadiums, but who wants to do 72,000 people? Matt kind of do. In Tampa, I'd like to shoot one special in the Tampa Stadium. I've already talked to it. I've talked to the Glazers there I'd like to shoot one special in the Tampa Stadium yeah that would be a really great experience for the person

the upper deck I'll tell you that much here the machine and echo it's like what a certain boy what the fuck are we even doing here? Where it's like, it is cool, it is impressive. And I, don't get me wrong, I want to play in an arena once. Because it's like, it's within striking distance, but I do want to make it special. I think you do a good job of making those shows special and events. And I want to do it in my hometown and if shit broke great for me MSG would be the fucking dream of all dreams, but I

also think that's like for yourself a little bit and that like I really think Going back to what I even started this shit for is like let's just make I'm still just chasing Let me make one great special that I'm just fucking so happy about that It's like and then I'm and then it's just like you're kind of done and that like life isn't just career and working and that is a very American thing of like let me accumulate more and more and more and let me know no amount of money is enough and that's like a fucked up way of thinking I think that we all can't help it that's how our society is structured but I'm trying to like stay away from that I wish I was

more grounded like that I don't even know But I'm trying to like, stay away from that. I wish I was more grounded like that. I don't even know what I'm, there's a book, What Makes Sammy Run, that I never understood. And then when I started doing it, I went, I don't know what makes Sammy run. No one can figure out what makes Sammy run. And I don't know what I'm chasing, and I don't know what I'm trying to prove.

Maybe I'm trying to prove it to myself. Maybe I'm trying to prove it to the industry. There's somebody. Well I know. There's gotta be somebody. I mean I did Fully Loaded. Dad, is it dad shit? Is it family shit?

No, I mean my dad was a guy who always said he was proud of me. And so, I know when we did Forest Hills last year, someone said to me, they were like, it's a really great show, and they were like, can you believe that you created this? And I said no. And they said, why that you created this? And I said no. And they said, why did you create this? And I said, I was drunk.

I said, because if I didn't create it, I wouldn't be invited. And they were like. See, this is, that's fucking crazy. And I was like. This might be the psychology of all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if I didn't do it, no one was gonna ask me to do it.

I wanna be, I wanna have a party. And so if I don't create it, no one's gonna ask me to do it. No one's gonna be like we need to get burnt. That's also not true. Well now it's not because I've done all these huge things but if I didn't do those huge things I would have never been invited I feel like. But that's also like if that's if that's why people are showing up that's those aren't people you want to be around anyway. You know what I mean? It's like the people that would have been there if shit was just going okay

those are your actual friends. That's who you want to spend time with you know what I mean? It's like the people that would have been there if shit was just going okay Those are your actual that's who you want to spend time with you know And it's one thing to like meet people because you're just doing more shows But if you think you had to achieve something to get people to fucking hang out with you Then it's like being the fucking rich kid with an N64 who nobody actually fucking likes. Wait is that me? No But like that's not we should be striving for is my point. Is that you're a great guy who's fucking awesome to be around and people are gonna like being around you whether you have this shit or you don't. And then in fact by striving for approval from people who don't really give a fuck,

you might be spreading yourself too thin and like just fucking over yourself like in a very basic human way and maybe even those people that would have been around, maybe you're not paying attention to them because you're striving for this other mother- Oh hell yeah. Oh fucking Campari Spritz. Yeah. My sister, Cotty, you drink one too? Wow, Cotty.

How are you? Don't worry. You made them? I'm good, thank you. He's sober. Tom and I'll take one. It does look incredible. It's so good. Take a look at that.

If you can get a look at the bubbles coming up, look at the great ice. Ice is really important. I'm a big fan of ice. And see, this is huge. I think you should have gotten just successful enough to be able to say, I would like a Campari spritz and someone brings it to you. That's very successful. You don't need any more than that though.

You know what I mean? Let's talk about Sprite. Yeah. Do you think, are you a clear soda fan? I'm not a clear soda guy. Dr. Brown's, by the way, I never got this out. Oh. Dr. Brown's is a boutique soda.

Yeah. Their diet cream soda gives the A&W a run for it. I think I've had that too. That's the, those are the number one seeds in the diet soda bracket. Okay, should we talk about Sprite or how Christie Ali's parents died? I'd love to talk about it.

I mean, I'm game for either, but we've been holding on for this Christie Ali story. Yeah, let's get into the Christie Ali. Do we need headsets for this? Do we need headsets for this? This is maybe the best piece of media that's ever been made. So this is Christie Ali's parents. It was made in probably 1987.

This audio was? This audio, this video, it's a video. Can you pull the video up? Interesting. How long, let me ask you this, how long have you been aware of this video? I saw it, the other day Christine sent it to me, I was taking a shit and I started watching it

and I didn't finish it. So it's kind of new to you. It's brand new. You haven't finished it. So it's kind of new to you Finished it it's 54 sec And I got there my sister and I we were all sitting in this waiting room and we were sobbing and as I'm crying I said my sister's here and I wasn't looking at her but I said Where were they going? We done. He said

to a Halloween party And she said, to a Halloween party. And I said, what were they dressed as? Why would you ask this? Why would you? And she said, the odd couple. And I said, oh, I'm thinking. What odd couple? Walter Mathow and Jack Lemmon?

Well, what were their costumes exactly? She said, mom was a black girl and dad was a Ku Klux Klan member. What the fuck? What the fuck? Mom was a black face? No, her mom died in black face? Holy shit. And her dad with a hood on his head? Her dad was dressed as a clan member.

Oh my fucking God, dude. She had the right reaction. Yeah, right? I mean, her reaction was almost a little too light-hearted. You know what I mean? She did that on Barbara Walters. On Barbara Walters, she said my mom was dressed in blackface. And my dad was dressed as a Klan member.

It would have hit different if the interview was like a couple weeks ago. That's how he died! He looked at his wife dying in a car. She was dressed in blackface. She was like, you should not have turned down. He probably looked over and his hood went, Mission accomplished. He got really into characters.

One less? He was like, Yeah. Is that not wild? That's crazy. Oh my God, dude. Dying on the way to a Halloween party, that's tough.

In the costumes. In the costumes, tough. I've had some, I don't want to die as party, that's tough. In the costume. In the costume's tough. I've had some, I don't want to die as like Mr. Potato Head. No. You know? It's almost like they're all, anything you're wearing, it's funny. Yeah.

What was he wearing? Superman? Yeah, Superman's really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything. Clan outfit. Clan outfit's pretty top tier. Can you buy a clan outfit?

You can make one pretty easily. It's not that hard to make. I bet, I'll be honest with you, I bet, I bet,. I bet you a thousand dollars you couldn't sit with a sewing machine to make a Klan outfit. Well I can't sit with a sewing machine to make anything. Exactly, I think they're really hard to make. I don't know about really hard. With sewing you can be like, hey I need a hood with some holes in it. I think a pillowcase.

I don't know how to make it pointy. I don't either. I have some thoughts. I think pillowcase, you stuff it, stuff the top with some cotton. I wore a almost a Klan outfit. When? For what? Type in Bert, these are pictures of it online. Oh good.

Bert Kreischer, Marty Gra. Cool, let's bring more attention to it. Yeah, yeah. Marty Gra. Yeah, so there's, listen, I'm gonna upset a lot of people in Louisiana right now, but there's a different type of Mardi Gras outside New Orleans where they celebrate Mardi Gras like they did

in the 30s and the 40s and what they would do. Type in images, images, and you can see, that's not Mardi Gras, that's type in Louisiana. Okay, there's a different, there's a racist Marty Chrome? It was trip flip, I wore it on camera. Oh. But they don't use white outfits. Louisiana trip flip maybe.

They don't use white outfits, they use patchwork outfits. So they use all different cloths, but it's technically a Klan outfit. Oh, that first one there? Yeah. Oh no. Yeah, everyone's- The hat's tough. The hat's the hats a tough look can't go pointy Yeah, and it's and and so everyone's dressed in these outfits and they get on horses and go town to town Oh, wow, and go you said this they celebrated like the 30s is what you said

I think how faithful to the 30s we go town to town. Yeah, we do a little bonfire. It gets dark out. We got a car, tires and fire with us. Yeah. Oh, they, they, we, uh, they have a, it's not a cross, but they have a huge pole with a chicken on a cage on top of it. And the pole's greased and people try to climb top of the grease pole. Okay.

The chicken off. The whole idea, what they do is when you go house to house and then they throw a chicken in the yard and y'all chase a chicken, try to get the chicken off. So the whole idea of what they do is, well you go house to house and then they throw a chicken in the yard and y'all chase a chicken, try to catch a chicken. And then once you catch a chicken, then you carry that chicken to the next town. And everyone's like on, then like, hayride stuff and horseback and walking and drinking

and they're throwing beads and they've got these live animals and then you take them to the end and you take all these live animals, they kill them and they make their gumbo. And they make boo-in and but it's awesome good and they there's wild hazing wild hazing like like hey blacky like that it's I mean it's I'm not saying that's what it is not racially motivated but I'll tell you if you're black you're not comfortable there yeah

yeah like you're probably not going like, this is cool, man. I love seeing a different culture. Yeah, I'm not seeing a lot of black up in the photo. The hats are tough. The hats are tough. Everything else is like, all right, you know. And these women that make them are like really good seamstresses.

I still have two of those outfits. I did it twice. I did it fucking twice. I did it twice. Why the second time twice. Yeah, I did it twice. Why the second time, man? You went, you had a good time. It was funny shit. We fucking partied our dicks off.

It was just about the chicken for you. It was just the gumbo. It was about the fucking, the boo-dan. The boo-dan was a fucking best. What's boo-dan? Boo-dan is like a cased rice, like a sausage situation. Like a sausage, but with right, heavy withased rice, like a sausage, but with right heavy with the rice, real spicy.

And they smoke it and then you take it and you kind of pinch it out of the casing. You suck it off. All these, everyone I met in this thing was all cool as shit. No one said the N word, but man. Well, not in front of you. There was, it was, it was definitely a few times where I was like, man, this is borderline. Yeah. Yeah. Let me get a round two to make sure. This is my second outfit.

I know the first time I did it was a different outfit. It was a little more. I still have that one. I definitely have that one. Yeah. And there's a mask you wear too. Like see the mask on my face. No, there's a mask. You have a mask on your face with the hood. I'm talking, Bert. Find out what that's called and then Google that, you see some wild outfits. This show got canceled, huh? Dude, what time of year is this? This is for Mardi Gras? It's for Mardi Gras.

Yeah, it's how they celebrate Mardi Gras outside of Louisiana. Outside of New Orleans. Because you're in Louisiana. Outside of New Orleans, I'm sorry, outside of New Orleans. But yeah, they're gonna be mad because I know that this is part of their culture and they're like, yo, that's not what that's about.

But it's like, from the outside looking in. 100% is. From the outside looking in. There's also, they say the same thing, people say the same thing about the Confederate flag. Like, it's not what it's about. Yeah, yeah. It's about pride.

It's about pride. Well, you know, they changed the name of Fort Bragg. It did? Yeah, to Fort Liberty. I was just there wherever Fort Bragg is. I did that show and everyone wants to be called Fort Bragg. But Fort Bragg, what's interesting is all these Confederate soldiers weren't that good. At being soldiers?

Yeah, well, definitely they lost. But they were like, they wouldn't even, it's like when you see like a guy from the fucking 20s in the Hall of Fame in baseball And you're like yeah, they didn't have Latinos yet. Yeah. Yeah, it's like so for brag was over this The shit dick soldier that no one fucking liked he was like he was actually he had a sour disposition His name is Brixton brag Brixton brag. He had a sour disposition. It says a gay porn star He had a horrible. He had a horrible approach to war. He always went frontal. Like he was a terrible fucking guy.

He was a worse soldier. Not a good tactician. One of the worst. No one liked him. And they named him after Fort Bragg. Yeah. A lot of those guys got things named after him. And they weren't all winners, you know?

They weren't. I know, the statues weren't. I know. The statues are wild. I hadn't been to the South. And like, you know, I grew up in Baltimore. And I spent most of my time, if I went anywhere, I was like New York. And then I visited, we had like family friends in South Carolina. And I was just, was not really prepared for how much Confederate shit was around.

Like I thought- Georgia, it's crazy. I thought there'd be like, all right, whatever, one here or there. But it's like South Carolina, it's like like and I like Charleston, but it's like You're like wow, these buildings are beautiful. Then you start you start doing the math on who built them Yeah, you know and in what conditions and then like the central market is like was a slave more It's like the cute little downtown market where you like buy shit is like Slaves were here and you didn't bulldoze this shit. Yeah bulldoze it and build it again

The vibes are fucked the vibes somebody's bought if somebody bought people here. I don't want to buy fucking I don't want to buy like candy corn here I don't want to buy a fucking I don't want to buy chachkies for my grandmother the same place you bought like a toddler These are the best apples I don't fucking want that. But these are the best apples in town. Yeah, that's right. I'll go get produce somewhere else. Stone Mountain. Do you look up Stone Mountain, Georgia?

I've never seen that. Stone Mountain, Georgia is like, it's very impressive when you see it. And then you're like, oh, and then when you learn so, what that is, right?

It's like an etching into the mountain. Yeah, it is an etching into the mountain. But then, it's enormous, it's enormous. It's fucking huge. But then can you pull up the history of what that is? I'm gonna guess it's not chill. It's not chill. It's not chill! It's not chill!

Let's start, what's the vibe here? What's this website? It's on Robert E. Lee Boulevard. Oh man! Usually like if you drive down Martin Luther King Boulevard, you know what to expect. If you drive down Robert E. Lee Boulevard, you kind of get... It's the same for Confederateship. Go to... Jeff Fox the same for Confederacy. Yeah, go to...

Jeff Foxworthy should just do that Chris Rock bit, but for rednecks. You know? Where it's like, you go down Robert E. Lee. Okay, so it was purchased by the state of Georgia as a memorial to the Confederacy. Nice. Oh, they opened it 100 years to the day after Lincoln's assassination What are the odds do you think they knew And wild move it's a wild move

A lot of that stuff has little details like that a lot of the Confederate Statues and being so what does so racist, you do Easter eggs like it's a Marvel movie. Yeah. Woo! Look at the first, look at the first drop down. What is so special about Stone Mountain?

It's a natural park area. Wow, that is really. That's a way to just make it, you know, palatable. There's one guy's job who works for stonemountain.org and he's gotta clean the internet every day. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but can you go to the, like the Wiki of what is it? What is the Stonemountain Controversy?

Oh, there we go. This is where the black nationalists march to with their machine guns and their assault rifles. Like ready for a fight. Yeah yeah and there's something about the fact that this is like very close to Atlanta which is like a massively totally black city like a big black metropolis yeah and then they're like hey go check this out just in case you guys okay I'm gonna say something very fucked up though you get a little comfortable is there a party like I remember one time? And I only know this because I texted these pictures before you finish no One time I walked into a bathroom in Northern, California, uh-huh, and they had old old pre civil rights

advertisements up so it was like try this and it was all like Sambos and like, I don't know, I hope I'm saying the right name. But like, it was all blackface, it was all blackface with like, and it was like him with a Pepsi. And I was so fucking blown away by it, because I've never seen anything like that,

that I started taking pictures of all of them, and texting them to Tom going like, can you believe what the fuck I'm seeing? There's a part of me that goes, I know, okay, separate all the hate. Just be a person on vacation. If you were going up the Stone Mountain and you saw a segregated water fountain,

would you take a picture of it? Would I take a picture of it? Is there a party that's like, shut the fuck up? Like to show the police or what? When I contact the FBI, if they're using currently like waterfowl, I saw, I saw a picture. So by the way, the clan is a big fan of stone. Interesting.

So it's like, the Klan is a big fan of Stone Mountain too. Interesting, interesting. Wutang? Yeah, Wutang. It's the fact that it is a shrine and a massive shrine to the Confederacy, you know? I got on a ride on a hobby horse one time and there was a sign above it that said, no fat chicks allowed. And I fucking got so excited. You're not supposed to see that. But I think that's what I get excited about where I go, that's not supposed to happen anymore. Yeah, that part, yeah, fucking got so excited. You're not supposed to see that, but I think that's what I get excited about,

where I go, that's not supposed to happen anymore. Yeah, that part, yeah, that does make sense. It's like when Clinton Portis used to do ESPN and he'd do interviews and you're like, you're not allowed to say that. When he got on, he was like, I mean, the guy fought some dogs, that was awesome. He literally just said, like Michael Vicks getting arrested,

there's like, you know, thousands of people are protesting. He's like, it's fucking dogs. That was awesome. Clinton Porter's like. His exact words were, ain't nothing but a dog fight. Yeah, yeah. That was fucking awesome. But I remember, I remember I think they asked

Clinton Porter's about gays on their football team and he's like, well, they're breaking God's heart. And I remember going like, I remember, I was like There's something fun about that and I'm gonna say like there's nothing fun about segregation But if I saw if I saw a segregated water fountain, I would get like shut the fuck up That's a little different than like a misogynistic sign above a horse though. No Fat chick that's their segregation. That was their water fountain. I wonder if you can buy a segregated water fountain still.

You probably can. If you look into it, guess what you're getting for your birthday. A whites only water fountain. Thanks man. So wait, so wait, I got it in the office. So wait, so I'm going to tell you, you got to edit this name out. You got to edit his name out. I got a fucking 12 inch dildo on a placard that said whites only on the placard from what? Really? And I, I raffled it off at our daughter's school.

How'd that go? Was it a mystery box? It was a mystery box. And I said, I said, join the mystery box. I swear to God, I swear to God. Do you know who had it before? You gotta edit all those names out. But, cause it's fucking horrific.

And I, it was was this is like 2000 probably 10 yes like back before that was you know that was still okay back then yeah way way back then it was a mystery box and I was just do everything in the mystery box and someone got the mystery box and they opened it it was a lot of people sending stuff that were fans yeah and then they got that and then they gave it back to me and kept the sign they were more interested in the racist aspects than the dildo. Put up your pussy or ass. I still have the dildo. I still have the dildo. It's hard to get rid of it.

What's the closest you've gotten it to your ass? Never. But closest? No never. Not even close. Touch your back? No. Something like that I would never put in my ass. What the something like that you wouldn't, so what would you? If there was like a, like a, something small. Yes. I wouldn't mind trying something really small that vibrated hard as fuck. Now we're talking. Like I wouldn't mind that. It's gotta be long too, I want to get in there.

Yeah. What have you had in there, anything? Like, no, my finger. Yours? Or I mean a finger. Your own. I definitely have my finger in my ass. All the way up?

That's a good big stare. Just a little bit. I was on Coke one time and I pulled a piece of shit out of my ass. Oh man. I had to shit, I couldn't shit, and I was like trying to shit, I couldn't shit. You went for the C-section approach. I fucking went out there and I pulled it out. I was like, get the fuck out, we are going to bed.

God damn it. Right. What about you? I was like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm pulled it out. I was like get the fuck out. We are going to bed. God damn it. Sprite. What about diet Sprite? You like that? That Sprite's not bad because it's not caffeinated either. Right. I like that's a big thing. You can have some before bed.

That's a big thing for me. That's the beauty of the A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer. No caffeine. Yeah, that's true. That's huge. And it fucking tastes like. It's the king. It is the king. It's the king of root beers. Yeah. The king of diet sodas. Oh, that was good. Tastes like another.

Yeah, take one for me. I needed, I was tied one on last night. Gave you guys. This fucking store was insane last night. Yeah. Insane. I fucking should have gone. I don't know why I've.

No, you know what? I want, okay, so we'll go back to the other thing. Thisane. I fucking should have gone. I don't know why I've. No, you know what? I want, this is, okay, so we'll go back to the other thing. This is what I like about you guys is that you also don't chase the rabbit. Like last night, get done, everyone goes to the party, it's like packed, and Tom's like, I'm out, I'm going to bed. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, I haven't even gone to the post party yet.

Yeah. Like this is just the post post party. I wanna go to the post post post party. And so I went to the store and I should have gone to bed. I woke up this morning going, I should have just gone to bed. I feel like fucking shit. Do you think there's a moment you stop chasing it that much?

Cause it is intrinsic to like, there is something about you that you just love that action. Love all of it. Is there something about it where you're like, cause for me it was like so clearly I would just go to those things, yeah to see my friends, but when I was younger I would just be out to try and fuck.

I don't care about you. And I know you don't at all, which is something I can't even fathom. Really? Like the fact that I would just be out getting fucked up to not try and get pussy is kind of insane. That's kind of my north star in almost all decision making. And that's

why I want to like just be in a good relationship because it's like, it sucks to just be con- and now I care a little less, which is nice, like I don't have to constantly, I'm not as insecure about it as I used to be where I was like, oh I have to, but like to be out all night with the exception of the spare bros day where I haven't seen my boys in a while and it's like, let's really get after it once in a blue moon But like to just a married man with a beautiful family that stays out till 4 a.m More than like once every couple once more than a couple times a year. I can't come up the year That's what I'm saying. That's kind of four times this week. That's what I mean. It's kind of wild

It's fucking it's crazy. Do you think that ever slows down or you just think you just love it too much? I don't know, yeah, I was never gonna say that. It's never gonna stop. I love it so much. You do love it, you do love it. You do. I have a hard time saying no, because I never know,

it's always like a lottery ticket scratch off. True, that is the- I just feel like every, you never know what's gonna happen. I also like, I've been around, like even when we were hanging out at the Backstage before we did the roast when people would arrive You know, they're like, oh people have arrived and I'm like cool. Yeah, he's like you wanna go say hi, right? All right, and then I watched him like he comes alive. Yeah, that's socializing I think it's pure real like just purely extrovert. Yeah, totally where it's like, you know

And I think everybody thinks if you if you're like if you talk for living you're like that But that is because I've seen cuz Bobby was like that too when I would when I would open for Bobby and I'm much more Of Bobby Kelly. Okay. Oh, yeah, I'm much more of a like let me get my head right for the show type of guy He would be we would go out. He'd be smoking cigars. We'd be talking to fans real extra We'd have dinner, he'd go to a big dinner right before the show and I'm like, bro, I need to get. Usually after two. Yeah.

Back then, obviously. Oh dude, me and him, circa 2013, we were like, honestly, we might have been fatter than you were drunk, you know what I mean? Which is tough to pull off, bro. We might have been fucking, we may have been fatter than you were drunk. You know what I mean? Which is tough to pull off, bro. We might have been fucking, we were crushing food in a fucked up way. The amount of food, like, in a... He got real big.

We were fat, I mean, we were both so fucking fat. It was crazy. What was the highest you ever weighed? Probably 350 at the end of the... I never actually saw that number, but I kind of like. Because of this, you couldn't see past your stomach. Yeah, because my fucking fat stomach was too. It's hard when you have to lean over.

Having to suck in your stomach to look at the scale is tough. That's a tough zone to be in. I've been there. I've been there. But I never saw that number, but I kind of cleaned it up before. You know, you give yourself two weeks to make the scale, want to kill yourself a little less. So I got to, like, at the end of this tour, dude, I was 341.

So you're not on tour, are you gonna not tour? No, like, actually. Oh, you're taking time off, you're doing fully loaded though in Baltimore. I'm popping out for, yeah, that's the only thing I'm doing this summer. I'm taking the summer off, but I was like, if you're coming through Baltimore,

I gotta come through. Fuck yeah, thank you for that. You should, you know what, we should, if you're looking for a place to work out, my brother's gym is right by Merriweather. Can we bring the whole fully loaded crew? All right, we're gonna do a fully loaded workout at your brother's gym. Let's do that, that's fucking awesome. It's really close to the venue.

Like this is a big gym dude? He's like a, yeah, he's got his own. It's a smaller gym, but that's his job, he runs it. And he's a trainer, he's like a strength and conditioning coach. I's a smaller gym, but he's he writes his job. He runs it. Okay, and he's a trainer He's like a strength and conditioning coach. I think your brother. Yeah, I think your brother every time I do step ups Yeah, dude, cuz your brother his brother was watching Stavi do step ups and Stavi step ups were like, huh? You know like he moved and he goes no no no no no use your leg It's like no you're using your momentum. Yeah, every time I do step ups. I think your brother fucking weird

Yes, those things just stick in your head. Yeah. Yeah No, he's the best and and I'm excited like I was pumped to go work out with him and I literally was too fat I had to go to PT for like three months to start working out and so now back in the summer I'm gonna just now in the summer is gonna go crush it, you know workout with him. Yeah. All right, let's plan that Yeah, absolutely, dude. He would love to, he'd be, this is gonna make his fucking year to hear this. Huge fan, he can't wait, he was like,

he even was like, dude, he wants to meet people, but to know that everyone's gonna come work out, gonna be fucking sick. That's awesome. Honestly, strength and conditioning, baby. Yeah, and I was gonna, and I even wanted to run the 5K, I was like, I talked to my PT, he was like, you could technically do it, and the exact phrase he said was like, I talked to my PT. He was like, you could technically do it.

And the exact phrase he said was like, you would be in shambles afterwards. He was like, if I tried even a slow running pace for three miles, so I'll be strolling. There's nothing, by the way, a quick walk and a jog, a jog's more taxing on the body than a walk at 4.0. You can jog that and it'll hurt, but you can also walk at 4.0 and it doesn't hurt as much

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna have a fucking blast tomorrow. I'm pumped. It's gonna be fun Thank you for coming. Of course. I'm sorry. You are the best. You are the fucking best Yeah, and huge shout out to AMW zero sugar If we don't get some fucking we've all agreed. Come on. I think they come up with black pepsi. I'm trying so hard Just making a clear can and you can just go that you know, this is for And user thinking you know what they should do is segregated water fountains one for whites only it comes out coke and for blacks It comes out Pepsi and we'll wrap on that Know who you are know what side you're on. We'll see you guys next time.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, one cave.