2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Monarchy Sucks w/ Jim Jefferies | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 184

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave Bert Kreischer welcomes guest bear Jim Jefferies! They discuss serial killers, Australia, and a having a bad sense of smell. They discuss Brad Pitt, Austin Butler, Tom Holland and accents. They discuss Jim’s new TV show and try to see how well Bert would do on it. They discuss the Royal Family, the comedy terrorist, top tier American and foreign comedians, and Jimmy Carr’s attempted cancelation. They also discuss controversial current events, Jim’s comedy, Jim’s Dad and Australian legend Shane Warne.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Wait, who's come home? Someone's spotted man, man. Oh, okay. You look like my dad trying to explain Brad Pitt. Oh, fuck your packer. Oh, that's good. Oh, I love that. Have you ever fucked somebody smell?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I've got a bad sense of smell. So this is an horrendous smelling person. You know, I was ruined in this country. Those bisexual women. I am an ally. I am an ally. I'm a bisexual ally.

100% Hey, guys. I'm a bisexual ally. 100% I'm a testosterone. You're on testosterone. Why on testosterone? It repairs your liver. It is the difference. Is it fucking? Is it feel good? I'm jerking off like crazy. Right.

I mean, I'm like, I'm like, you wouldn't want to be single with it. No. No, no, no, no, no. It's a married man's job. What if they found out that, what if they found out that there was a DNA, there's types of dudes that rape, right?

I'm sure, yes. And then what if they found out that that was a genetic coding? Right. And then they could D. Why don't they do research on that shit? Because I'm sure, what they do, they analyze people's brains and serial killers and stuff like that. I'm sure that people, any criminals that have died, they've checked if there's something going on in their head. Do they have to greenlight that?

Or can they just... Yeah, they have to donate their brain, I think. Because that was the thing in Dama. Dama didn't want to donate his brain. His dad didn't want to donate his brain. And his mum did want to donate his brain. Really? Yeah.

I didn't want to see a whole thing on Dama. Oh, it's fantastic. I get, the idea that that's real. It's there's, well, the idea that that's real. It's, not just that that's real, there's always like, there's serial killers right now that they don't talk about, right now killing. Yeah. That are out there.

And it's like, if you don't get a Netflix special, you must feel like a hack of a serial killer. How quick is it? You don't get a talk, I mean, I'm always like, if Netflix stop doing specials with me, I'll just kill some gay guys and shove them in my freezer, man Not about winger like like like like that. I'm a fucking big series. Oh, no, he's a screen talk. Yeah They were talking they were talking about the guy

Not just guy guys like a kill anyone put him in my freezer I'm just trying to you know, damn it seems to be the model to follow. I don't know if I if you would kill someone Who would you kill a women would be you'd want to start off with women. Ah Who would I kill if I had to kill sound? No, probably not a woman. I'd like to feel like I achieved something Yeah Now I'm just saying because women are we're gonna be easier to kill Look at this thing I killed like like it's like it's what it's like. That's why people with bare heads are in roles, right? Because it's a, it's a feat.

Yeah, Rogan doesn't have a little deer's anymore. He hunts elk. Yeah, yeah. So you want to hunt elk. Yeah, you're not going to put a rabbit's head on your wool. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, you're right.

I don't want to kill a woman. Okay, good. I don't think I could get my, I like gay guys too much to kill gay guys. Like, there's a part of me when I see like gay dudes having fun where I like my heart swells for them. I'm jealous. Well, jealous.

I wonder, I wonder like I just was old school where you weren't allowed to be gay. Yeah. Like I never had the, oh now it's fine in the school. Yeah, totally. I mean, I, everyone's gay. Yeah, like kids put on their lockers, they put like the rainbow flag and stuff like that.

That would have been a hate crime when we were kids. Oh my god, yeah. If someone put that on your lockers. Was there homophobia in Australia? Was there homophobia in Australia? Yes, there's one of our things. No, but also I will say I grew up in Sydney, one of the gayest cities on earth.

It's like Sydney and San Francisco are here, two top ones. We have the biggest gay-money ground in the world. What is it? I'm leaving for Sydney Friday. I think it just happened like a month ago. It's already happened. Where are you going to be performing in Sydney? I don't know. You've been before, though.

Yeah. It's all right, right? Hello. You're very popular in Australia. I love it. Yeah, there I am. I mean, oh, it doesn't say the theaters. I didn't say the theaters, but you're everywhere. I popular in Australia. I love it. Yeah, oh there I am. I mean, oh it doesn't say the theaters. I didn't say the theaters, but you're everywhere. I end in Sydney. Perth subbelta. Perth is where I think I'll move when I choose to retire. Really? I can't tell you. I want to go to X-Mouth.

X-Mouth? Yeah. In England? No, in pull up X-Mouth. This dude, this place in Australia. I don't know what you do if you lived out there, but it's fucking... Oh, it's Western Australia. Oh, it's X, X, X. So, X-Math, yeah.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. That place looks fucking badass. Yeah, what was I think I'm Britain for? Anyway. Dude, there's a guy. He's out, Devon. There we are. That's what I thought you wanted to live in.

See, I would love to live in a town like that. It's a bit isolated. Well, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit, it's a bit isolated. Well, it's actually written. So it's, you know, that's why I like Perth. Most isolated major city in the world. I still am a city guy. Yeah. But I like Perth. It's still like affordable. It feels like a throwback. It's feels like it's, it's from the 90s. I like it. I the band in access from Perth. This is gay, as I'm Michael Hutchins from Perth, the Faris brothers were from the school up the road from us in Sydney.

Oh really? And so the Faris brothers, who were the three founding members, and then they had Kurt Pengelli, was played saxophone, and then Michael Hutch, I know too much. I'm obsessed with it actually. Are you liking it, I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with it. Okay, so I'll tell you a story. This isn't that nice a story, but, so I had Tim Ferris, the guitarist and main songwriter. No relation to Tim Ferris, the Super Body Hacker.

No, Tim Ferris, the, the, Okay, he's like a body hacker. That's Ferris, yeah, Ferris. I think it's Ferris, if I, I, is, is straight, there we go. No, there he is. And a Ferris. There he is, yeah, Ferris. I think it's Ferris, if I, it's straight, there we go. There we go. Aniferous. There he is, yeah, maybe.

Who knows, maybe, you know. But anyway, so he came backstage of one of my gigs in Sydney and he was like, you know when a joke this falls flat but you're still happy you said it because you're like, well, I was still solid. You're still a solid line.

So he comes backstage, I'm very excited. Remember of in excesses at my gig, right? And so remember they were the first band to have a TV show where it was like getting a new singer after Michael died. They got a new singer. Before Pop Idol and X-Bat, they had a show, I think it was called Rockstar or something like that. They were going to get a new singer.

And since then, I think they've had another one or two singers after that. So what happened're gonna get a new singer. And since then, I think they've had another one or two singers after that. So what happened was rock star in excess. There you go. So Tim Farron comes backstage and I said, so the band's still touring and he goes, we can't anymore because I lost one of my fingers. Right?

And that was his hand, right? So he's lost one of his fingers. He goes, I can't play chords anymore so I lost this finger I think it was a boating accident or something like that right and like a rope or something like that right and I go I go Okay, so so he can't play it and I go so you're telling me that your finger was more important than Michael Hutchins Right and then I know I'm saying that series of I just feel so it's like deformed. A lie. The loss of Michael and the loss of my finger. Here's the article. Two things I never planned for.

Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. I said, yeah, he can't play guitar properly anymore because his fingers are all out of whack. They say that Michael Hutchins killed himself because he lost a sense of smell. Well, because he's doing too much cocaine. No, no, he got punched in the head and Amsterdam. Oh, I know that one. Yeah. And then he said he lost a sense of smell. And that as an artist, he couldn't go on anymore. That was like the story that you heard.

And then COVID came around and everyone lost a sense of smell and no one killed them. No, no, I'm like, I've never had a good sense of smell. My wife comes in and asks, I just by stinks and I'm like, I can't. Oh, I have a horrible sense of smell and no one killed themselves. No, no, I'm just like, I've never had a good sense of smell. My wife comes in and asks her, just play stinks and I'm like, I can't. Oh, I have a horrible sense of smell. I have to get my wife to check my breath all the time

and stuff like that because without her, I'm just going out in the wild. I think my wife's a gangster because I think she fucks me when I smell like shit. Well, she likes ya. That's why. Yeah. Yeah, she likes you to see, that's your manly mask

that she's gotten involved with. Have you ever, have you ever fucked someone who smelled? Yo, yeah. Yeah, and I got a bad sense of smell. So this, this is an horrendous smelling person. Wait, what, there was a chick I hooked up with in high school who smelled horrible. She had a horrible breath and she was so fucking hot. Yeah. And I could have just

fixed it by saying you need to brush your teeth extra. No, she's already got all the good hands in the card. Yeah. You know, I mean like the good cards in the deck, right? She's doing fine, right? She can have bad smell. She needs something to push it back a little bit. They say that about, they do that. They do that to take down Brad Pitt. They say Brad Pitt doesn't shower. You know Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt smells great. He smells like everything you'd ever want him to smell like. How did you make that fantastic smelling fella? Sweet, how did you meet Brad Pitt? Cause Tom tries to say to him and Brad Pitt are close.

Another not. Oh, I'm not saying me and Brad are close. No, but how did you meet him? Cause he was on your show. Brad, there was, Brad was a fan of my sitcom. And then I did a little interviewing thing with him for Netflix They were thinking about doing extra features and it never made it and I think I was terrible at this interview I don't think I did a good job

But this was my first interview was Brad Pitt. Oh my god afterwards. He invited me to The once upon a time in Hollywood premier Yeah, and I was I came in with my wife and I was seated and like lean out of Capoeira sitting behind me and Tarantino was sitting here and Bradley Cooper was sitting there and also starting we sat down and I went I think we're at Brad's actual seats right? He's already seen the film he didn't he like came to the party but he didn't come and sit down he's supposed to go to your own premiere and you're going to watch it read cop're going to read carp, but the thing, I think he'd seen the movies only times,

or maybe there's people who don't like watching themselves in the premiere with the audience, or whatever, I don't like watching my own stuff. Right, so. I love watching my stuff. I love it. I love it more than anything. By the way, can I-

And then my biggest fan. Congratulations on the trailer. Fantastic. Thank you. I don't know if the movie's going to be great, who knows, but the trailer alone has me psyched, and you can already tell even if the movie's not amazing and I'm not saying it's not gonna be. It might be the best mill. I already know I'm gonna have some good laughs in that film. Oh yeah yeah. I already know there's moments where I'm like

and even not just saying the laughs that I see in the trailer just the bits that are around what just happened. Yeah. And your physical comedy, spot on. Oh, thank you. You trying to jump up off the ground and do that ninja thing on your back? Yeah. Funny. That was a, I was really proud of that.

I was trying to be, I thought I'd be more physical than I was. I, I, oh yeah, no, that's the trailer. The, um, Hey, can you give me another water please? It's a bad bad bad girl. I came in satin seats and then afterwards we, we got the after party and I'm like,

Brad, with all your seats, he goes, yeah, I've already seen the film. You know, so that's a good Brad Pitt brand. Yeah. I've done that in person I should have in front of him once and it did not go to our world. Really? Yeah, I sort of, I was,

I was on a thing we were doing for the TV show and he was there and on a Zoom call type of thing and I was like, you know, I'm not a citizen, I did it. And he went like this, really? Like, am I like this? Whoa, dude, and I'm like, and I'm like, no, no, you know what? He saw me doing a Kanu Reeves, basically. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell you my best Brad story.

And he looked the nicest fucking guy you live. And I'm not Tom Saguiro close to him, right? I think Tom Saguiro's Tom Saguiro, please. But he did, he was my weatherman. He wore a linen fitted like custom suit. Which is the word for custom? Well, you're tailored, tailored, tailored, tailored. He wore a linen tailored suit.

Thank you. That he was our weatherman like three or four times. He recorded most of him in two days and there was no audience there and we just recorded him very quickly. Although mind you, when he came on to be the weatherman on my show, it turns out like Cameron's wives were showing up

for a hersel. Of course. Yeah, all of a sudden, like all the writers, all the female writers in my writers room who didn't watch me when I recorded it. Yeah. They just watched it in a screen and they're different. All of a sudden they showed up to sit there.

Like if we said like Pamela Anderson in her prime is coming down to you. I think Pamela Anderson now. I think you're right. Pamela Anderson at any time. That's right. Pamela, if you prime is coming down to you. I tell Pamela Anderson now. I tell you Pamela. Pamela Anderson anytime. That's how, Pamela, if you want to hit it, you can hit it. Yeah, anytime. But anytime Pamela Anderson, right?

If we said Pamela Anderson's going to be on your show and then every like female employees husband just showed up on set. Just a, just a, yeah. We would be in a world of fucking trouble. It's like your joke. If it's like your joke, if you say you joke, I hope there's babies white. Yeah.

So, so, so, so Brad at this suit, Taylor suit, I don't know if Brad knows this story and I don't know if he listens to your podcast and I might get in trouble for this. He does not listen to my podcast. We might listen to this, but this is it's time. So Brad, if you're listening,

you might be hearing this for the first time. I love, love I love there's there's things that happen with celebrities that you keep on the DL Where you just tell your friends? Yeah, and then keep going I'm excited. Okay, this one. I maybe I should keep on the deal No, no, no, no, look and also there's no one comes out of this story badly Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, so so we're shit my show gets canceled Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so my show gets canceled, right? And then I get a phone call from the wardrobe department two days later, we have Brad Pitt's suit here. So we send a runner to drop it off at his house

or something, we don't know where he lives or anything. And I said, I'll call him, no, text him very rarely, right? So I text him, hey, Brad, we've got the suit, down it out, I said, I can send someone or I can drop it off, what would you like me to do? And he goes, he goes, oh, just give it to Goodwill, right? Now I have a Brad Pitt tailored suit.

I'm not going down to fucking Goodwill. What's the first thing you do when you hear that, that it's now yours to dispose of? Give it to Goodwill and then buy it right there. No, no, no, you just try it on. Yeah, you got to try it on. He's trying to do it on. Now it turns out dimensionally, I'm a bigger man than tried on. Yeah, you got it straight on. Now it turns out, dimensionally,

I'm a bigger man than Brad Pitt. I'm tall. I'm taller. Yeah, I'm like six, two. I'm like six, one type of thing. And so, but also I'm fat. He's not fat. Right? Like, you're like, you're like,

you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, what? You're a dimensionally bigger than Brad Pitt. Now that you say that, I thought Brad Pitt was like a big dude. Nobody's, he's, he's lean. Got a good shape. If you bring out Brad Pitt weatherman,

you'll find the suit, right? Okay, so, so there he is, there's the suit, right? There it is, right? So this suit does not fit me in any way. That is not in any way, but I take it, I put it away, and then my dad comes over to America for Christmas I Wrap it up and that's his Christmas gift and it turns out it fits my 82 year old dad

Fucking perfectly You serious? Perfectly and my dad is so out of touch with like he doesn't know he's never been on the internet Yeah, he watches a few old films that he sort of so out of touch with things and I said, he goes, oh, suit, he goes, he never owned a suit. He was a carpenter who's retired now. What need does he have for a fucking suit?

Is someone getting married or someone dying? That's his suits, right? And so I go, this isn't just a suit, Dan. This is Brad Pitt suit, right? And then my dad goes to me, he goes, Brad Pitt. And I said, the movie star, movie star, which one's it? And I started listening movies, meet Joe Black and all this type of thing.

He hadn't seen any of them. He's like, he's famous, is he? And I go, he's very, very famous. Maybe he's most. Yeah, I said he's right up there, without argument top five. Yeah. Without argument, maybe number one, right? But without argument top five. Yeah. Without argument, maybe number one, right?

But without argument top five. Yeah. And my dad's like, and people will know who he is. I go, yes, that's what fame means. Yes, people will know who he is. And so my assistant comes over a few days later. And my dad turns to Jack and he goes, Jack, can you get me a laminated photo of Brad Pitt

wearing this suit? Because he can't just Google Brad Pitt weatherman and he's phone and show people. So he cuts it so it's in the breast pocket size. My dad wears that suit with a picture, a laminated picture of Brad Pitt wearing that suit in his top pocket, right? That is fucking... And that's how he goes on dates now, right? And he goes, because he starts going on, because my mum died three years ago,

my dad's back on the scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he goes out and that's suit, he goes, I tell him it's Brad Pitt suit, and they don't think it is, and then I'll wait till they lose interest or they get annoyed by me or whatever. And then boom out with a photo.

And they're all interested again. Oh, that's great. He said he's been in bars where the girl he was with lost her shit so much, so it was Brad Pitt suit that other young women in the bar came up and asked to wear it and take photos. No, I can't. He was like a Brad Pitt suit jacket.

Like in Australia, Brad Pitt suit jacket. It's a big celebrity. Fuck yeah. That's what that's. Oh, that's fucking God. I don't know, I don't know anything. Now I don't know if I don't think Brad would be upset by the saying you got no right.

No, it seems like he has a sense of humor. Great sense of humor. Yeah. Yeah, great sense of humor. Yeah, he's a funny guy. He's in the standup comedy. He comes out the standup comedy. He's, you know, it's weird though,

because you brought him up, I didn't bring him up. No, I tried not to bring him up because people always ask me about it. It's a fucking, it's a weird friend to have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he is, like I said, like you said, top five actors, famous actors in the world.

And hook it on in history as one of the biggest movie stars ever. Yeah, there won't be movie stars like the way he was a movie star. No, I think this Austin Batlam might be the next lad. Who's Austin? He's Elvis. Oh. He's the next good looking. Let me pull up Austin Batlam.

Austin Batlam, you would take more testosterone just to get there. Oh my god, he comes up and turns for Volta a little bit. Yeah, but he's very pretty. He dated Vanessa Hutchins and then I think he's broken up with a... Did I just meet this guy? He was Elvis, man. Have you seen him now? He's being interviewed afterwards. He made that movie three years ago during COVID and he's still talking like Elvis, dude. For real? Yeah, the guy's like, I do a joke about this. I go, he's caught and character. And I

go, the guy played Darmus not caught and character. Like, of course, because Elvis is cool, man. What's his name Austin Batler? Austin Butler does he have an Instagram? Fucking if it is it's probably covered in women's juices like fucking look at this guy and my come he's got zero post 3.8 million Zero post Tom Holland right he's got a few for Tom Holland 8 million followers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's that was Lebanese. He my god ruin it. It made me cry I my daughter goes are you crying over spider-man Tom Holland's dad is a guy called Dominic Holland

Who is it who is a stand-up comic on the British circuit? No way yeah, yeah And I remember once being at a festival and meeting Tom Holland at He would have been five or something like that right right? He was with his dad, right? And it was like, and so I always tell my son, I knew Spider-Man as a four-year-old, my son that blows my son's brain. Like, you know when you say something like that. How old is dad funny?

He's dad's very funny. He does a lot of stuff as a colonist and stuff like that, as well. He's like an intellectual type of comic, not like, yeah. Not like what I do. He's not like what we do. But, uh. It's crazy because Tom Holland played, um, who is the kid who danced in Sheffield on the

street in the musical? There was a musical Billy Elliott. Oh, yeah. He played Billy Elliott in the West End, was his first gig as a kid. And then he went on to become Spider-Man and all that type of stuff, but that's one of those things. So he's got a British accent? Yeah, he's English, yeah.

Fuck. Why? I thought he was American. Yeah, he put, we can do the accent. We just do it. Okay, who do you think can do a better, you do it English, I'll do Australian. All right.

Okay, but I'm, that's doing English. English is a trickier one. You want me to, why don't you get me to do American? You don't do Australian. All right. Okay, but I'm, uh, but that's doing English. English is a tricky one. You want me to get me to do American? I'll do American. And I'll do yours. Yours. I become like a pirate type of guy.

Yeah, I was trying to say today, when Australian girl wants to suck your dick. Oh, I'll suck your packer. Oh, oh, oh, I can't put it in me. Oh, oh, that's good. Oh, I love that. That'ser. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I, can't put it in me. Oh, oh, that's good. Oh, I love that. That's fantastic. Oh my God. And now, and now I've been away from Australia for so long,

it's been 20 something years, right? And I'm like, I can't go back to that voice. I don't think I could go back to having sex with Australians. And nothing, look, I love Australia. I love Australia. But that voice reminds me of some pretty rough times, and pretty rough girls in Matinoge's. Oh my God. Oh love it. But that voice reminds me of some pretty rough times, some pretty rough girls in Matina. Oh my God.

Oh my God. All right, put it in. All right. All right, so I always keep my American down and sort of deep into the throat. If I go upwards, it sounds very homosexual. Yeah, that's it. And that just sounds like every American to me.

That's you all sound like this California camp. Like that, but I have to try to keep it sort of lower and Better than that problems with words like I'll still say Zedbra Yeah, I'll say the word wrong with the accent rather than zebra Something like that. Yeah, why do we call it zebra with it's just one e Look everyone calls them ZZ top now Look, everyone calls them ZZ top. No one calls them ZZ top. I'll tell you that much.

So maybe you're in the right, I've been living in different countries so long. I'm not sure what my words are anymore. I don't know if I'm courgette, zucchini, or whatever, eggplant or OBGYN. I don't know. OBGYN is eggplant. That's what the, I think,

no, the Brits call it OBGYN, Australian's call it eggplant, I don't know. Ibergine is eggplant. That's what the, I think, you know, the Brits call it Ibergine, Australian's call it eggplant, you call it eggplant. Then we have, is it, can you cause yet something else? Then we have Capsicone Peppers. Capsicone. Capsicone is red and green peppers, yeah.

Really? Capsicons. How long have you been away from home? I moved at 21, and I'm 26 now. No, I'm 46. I can't imagine I left at 21 being away from home. I mean, I've lived out now longer than I lived there. I've lived out of Australia longer.

I just did a game show in Australia, like a legit game show. Like hosted it? Yeah, man. Really? Yeah, it's coming out in like two weeks called the 1% club. And it's a proper, it's a proper like, for $100,000. Here is your question. It's one of those, really. It lights the go, boom, boom, boom, boom. Right, there's a British version

that's hosted by Lee Mac, who's a British comic. And it's like, you stand in this arena with a hundred people around you, and they all answer questions. And the first question is a question that 90% of the population can get, and so we lose 10 players, and we're statistically we should lose 10 players,

and then 80%, 70%. So it, and they're all IQ questions. So you can't study our potential, it has the same chances as a 70 year old. So we, like, what would be a question? He is like an easy one that like 70% of people can get in 30 seconds What's it what's it the what's it the beginning of summer in the end of Christmas? What's it the beginning of summer? the end of Christmas

15 seconds what's it the beginning of summer? Oh, spring. The letter S. Fuck. I guess not that hard, but here we go. Oh, God. This is, oh, fuck. Here's a 50% question, right?

So type out on the screen so you can visually see it. H-O-R-O-B-O-D. Okay. Now, what? character are you seeing in code right now? In code? Yeah. What fictional character are you seeing in code? You have 15 seconds 10 seconds Five seconds encode the answer is rob in hood This isn't are you fucking serious? Yeah, it is rob in hood and hood. And we, that's like, that's gotta,

I think that was a 50% I think that was a 50% I. Jesus, this is, oh, this is gonna be a good fucking show. They have in the States. I believe there's an American version coming out. I don't know who's hosting it. I heard, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I heard that it might be on Amazon, but I might be wrong about that.

But, but I know the production company there, because I was there like, I could host the American one as well. They were like, no, because you don't really get foreign as hosting game shows. You get as hosting late night shows and stuff like that, but you're lucky a question's read in your own accent. I don't know what American guy you could get to post that. Well, it's just, that seems hardest for me. But there's only about 13 questions per episode,

over an hour episode. And so the problem is, so the people who get knocked out on the real easy questions are like, just what photos wrong here? And it'll be like a picture of Buzz Aldrin on the moon holding his helmet. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's like the 90% questions. So this people get knocked out on those fucking questions, man. And as a comedian, you kind of have to go on. You can't just go, oh, it's been a bad luck girl. Well, you're out. I'd be on a good day. You're a world you live on. Yeah, and other games, that's where they need a comedian

because you have to go, you're a moron. You know, you got it, there's no dancing around it. Good God. And that is, and then as you get a bit further, you become more complimentary with people. Oh, you made it to the 30%, well done. But you ask, you know, there's a hundred people you're asking each time, what do you do for living?

What would you do with the prize money? You're here with anyone? All that goes. What's the prize money is it? So would you do with the prize money? You're here with anyone? All that money. What's the prize money is it? So if you get through to the final round and you get to the 1% question, get up to the 1% questions for the 1% club from the British one, you'll see these questions are like,

as I read the answer, I still don't know what the fuck's going on. Shut up. I still don't know what the fuck's going on. Anyway, so if you get to the 1% question, you can either take 10 grand home with you or you can risk it all for 100 grand for the one percent question. And we filmed all the episodes. I can tell you we gave away some money. Okay, here we go. These are 90 percent question. 90 percent

question. Which one of these photographs has to be wrong? So we've got a, you know, which one's that one? A. No, it would be B because it's missing the other two lights, I believe. Wait, wait, wait, it's only got one light on it. I'm out in the 90% question. How have you got an extra, how has your brain got an extra house just for podcasting? How has this happened? I don't know, I don't know, don't understand the question, I don't think. Which one has to be wrong?

But why can't you go? Because Bay should have two other lights on it. It's only got one light. No, but yeah, but if you're only looking at the green, the other two aren't illuminated. Yeah, I would still exist. I would still exist. Well, I don't even know the left one.

Yeah, all right. What is it here? Click the answer. Let's go to the next one. Click the answer. Do you click it. No. Oh, wait a minute. How did it like? Yeah. There's just not illuminated. I was trying to think is green at the top or is green. That's not a sign. I fucking L.I. House. The fucking show is. Okay. You go to the next one. Which of these is not a girl's name? Well, this is problematic.

All right. LC, KT, IV, U, EU, EU, EU. EU, EU, EU. All right. Now, next one. How many times does the letter I appear in the numbers from one to 99 when spelled out? How many times? Oh, it appeared in the numbers from one. Oh yeah, the numbers from one to 99 when spelled out.

You gotta think, what's gonna to nine it? Nothing. I.T. doesn't have it. I.T. says like a thousand. 40, 30, 0. Okay, I got zero. Zero. Zero. Zero. 189, it doesn't have an eye it sounds like a nasty 40 30 0 0 0 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 No, that is zero zero. We got was zero. Is anyone got a better answer than zero? All right

These tennis players are identical twins. I always dress the same way in court yet it very easy to tell them apart How one's right hand of one? court. Yet it's very easy to tell them apart. How? One's right handed. Yeah, that one's an easy one. Yeah, you're barely, barely, barely. You're barreling through now. I know those dudes.

Yeah, which of these has the wrong color background? I would say the Kate. Bed red, glue blue, crown brown, kite green. That wasn't how you got there, but you got there. I got there. That's not how I got there. You know how I got there? You guess?

No. It was the first one. No. I was like, the sky can't be green. It was flying. Everyone else could be the thing I wanted to be. This isn't good for me. The glue's just in the sky, fly around.

Yeah. All right. Take a good look at this picture. Which candle will burn down first? I got my answer. What is it? It's B because it's the only one that's lit. Yeah, there we go.

Keep going. We're in 40s, we're in 40s. We're in 35. What number do you get if you multiply all the numbers on the telephone keypad together? Fuck me. I got this one. I got this one. What zero Why because you multiply my zero anything times zero zero So this is zero in there. Yeah, so if you one times two is one one two time

But ultimately you're gonna hit zero That would have taken me three minutes. Yeah, 0. And then I would have cracked it. Yeah, all right, that's a good one. Here's a picture showing someone taking a photograph of themselves in a mirror. In reality, is this person's watch on their left wrist or their right wrist?

I'm gonna say... I'm gonna say... It's left because you just look forward like that. It's left. Yeah, but that who takes a picture with the buttons. That would be buttons. The camera's already on the right side. If the mirror is, you're looking the mirror.

No, the buttons on the camera's always on the right side. So it's on the right wrist. Because he's holding it with this side. No, I think they did for I think it's left. You think it's left? No, no, there's no way to find it. There's no way to find it. Keep going.

Number 20. It looks like you're pressing the button right there. With that hand? Yeah, it's look because you'd be staring into it. Right now, we'd be facing it. It looks like he's, looks like there's left rest. Yeah, if you're staring into it, it's left rest.

Yeah, yeah. Kill it. Which letter of the alphabet is used most often in this question? I'm fucking in this stage of the game. I'm on the I try to play along with the contested, right? Yeah, now I'm just like What's me next question doctor? It BT? I've done I. I don't know, we don't have the answers for these. How do we not have the answers for these? We're just guessing. All right, 15%.

So there are these ones. Which hand is the odd one out in this sequence? Hi, is the only one that's a right hand. The other is the left. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I think we had that one in one of Michelle. Yeah, I think I had a small advantage there. Which small. I heard you. I had a slide up ahead. Which two letters are missing from this tongue twister? Two letters, so you gotta put two letters.

S and E, C, C, C, C, C, C, on the C shore. God damn, that was a good one. That's a good one. 1% question. 1% question. Now we're done. Okay, before's a good one. One percent question. One percent question. Now we're done. Okay, before you see the question, you can leave it 10,000 right now.

You want $10,000. Yes, $100,000 is just complicated. It's only Australian money though, so it's seven grand. Yeah. 100,000, this is what the problem is. 100,000 is on what you think it's gonna be. It's good.

I pay taxes and sometimes I ask intestines, I go, what would you do with the money? And it's a hundred grand thing, like, I'd take the whole family on the holiday, I'd buy a car and I would help out some, you can do one of those things. Yeah. You can do one.

It's almost, you can put a deposit, like it's, look, it's a lot of money. Life changing money for people. Yeah, so you don't want to belittle that, right? It's get you out of the hall, man. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, it's get you don't want to belittle that. It's get you out of the hole, man. Ah, yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, it's get you know, your business started up.

It's get the more each people off your back. But it's not the moniker you think it is. When you hear a hundred thousand dollars, we did this game show for a hundred thousand dollars and you'd ask people and they'd have these pioneered dreams and you're like hundred thousand at the end of the day doesn't what it sounds like.

Yeah, yeah. It's like saying you're fucking a model and you're like, well, she's a foot model. Oh, I signed up for a comedy special deal very early on in my career for like three comedy specials to like 50,000 pounds. For real? Yeah, yeah, but I was like, I had no money.

I went from, I never had money in my whole life. No, I'd live week to week my entire life. Yeah. Right, and then someone offered me 50 fucking grand, dude. I never had money in my whole life. I'd live week to week my entire life. And then someone offered me 50 fucking grand, dude. I did it for 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it more in. I did it more in special for 10 grand.

Yeah, but then in the end, I got out of that deal. I had to pay him off plus extra money and all that type of stuff. I did my HBO special, which didn't pay me less than that. Yeah. And at the end, my HBO special put me into debt because I had to pay off that other contract to get out of it.

I'd already paid taxes on it and all sorts of shit, right? And so, but I knew it was a better way to go because I was locked in for three, but I was like, okay, so one percent question. One percent question. What is the first number? Okay, I shouldn't tell the story, but one time on the show, my reading so bad,

I'm dyslexic, right? And so the screen is got the question. Me reading it is inconsequential to the entire show. It doesn't matter because you can just read it, it's on the screen in the TV. I'm just a distraction, right? But I'm reading it and I got it wrong and I hear my earpiece. Read it again, you got it wrong, like that, right? I think the guy got an extra 10 seconds and that gave him a chance to win all of it. Yeah, shut up, yeah, I can't read. My reading is horrible. I have a joke about it.

Like definitely more contestants go through because of my bad reading. There was a headline one time that I saw, and what I, it said, we need to stop tyranny in the United States and I thought it said tranny and I went what the fuck I'm like reading it going you like as if that needs to be written yeah that should just be a fly that's a waste of a billboard god damn it we need to get our top of this what is the first number that when spelled out has its letters in alphabetical order?

That's the first number that when spelled out has its letters in alphabetical order. It's a... Fuck me. So you got to go low. They're all quiet. I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess. I'm going to guess.

Four. Four, I would say four, five beats a. Why? Because I is before O. Yeah, but the E's at the end. No, it's spelled out alphabetically in an alphabetical order. Is the first number you spell in.

Oh, in alphabetical order. Oh, in alphabetical order. Oh, Christ, yeah. Right the question now. What's alphabetically first would be five? alphabetical. What? What alphabetical what what is it? Yeah 40 I got panicked I panicked I don't know where the oh and the you get 30 seconds and what happens in the show is why the 30 seconds is happening

They've got me doing some pretty shitty jokes, you know what I mean? Because you've got to talk over the top. And I'm doing jokes about mathematical questions like, ah, you know what I'm doing, I'm doing 7, 8, 9. Yeah, I mean, I'm, oh, these are all the, all right, yeah, you, canals lit. Yeah, it should be the red light at the top.

Okay, good. Should be the red light. I was out in the very first question. I was, I was, I was out of the very first question. I was out of the very first question. I was out of the very first question. I was out of the very first question. I was out of the very first question. I was out of the very first fucking question. Should be a red light, not a green light at the top. Anyway, so fun game.

And I'll tell you what's good about the game is, as I said, you can play it with your ten year old, play it with your mom and everyone, it doesn't matter because my mother used to, this used to be a show called Sail of the Century and my mum loved that she knew so much about like knowledge, right? So we used to play this game every night, I love game shows but my mother would always be like, no, the Tivoli fountain, the far-lap the horse. Tivoli fountain. She'd go through all the things like that, right? And so what I used to do is

every now and again, if I knew she was going be away or something that I would record like on a Video I'd record a video of that the episode she missed and then I would air it she'd go to the bathroom and I'd put the video in and I'd already Studyed up. Oh, right and I sit there and I'd just be like 11 year old genius Just be like this number 42 Light should be on the top. Yeah. But I'd always get fucked over in an ad break when they went now in the news.

So if you're something from... Oh. Were your parents married when your mom passed? Yeah, they were married. Yeah, they were made for 50, almost 50 years. They were about two weeks off their 50th wedding anniversary. Holy shit. And my parents, they met in England.

They were both Australians who were backpacking around Europe. Really? And they met each other in England and then they came straight back. Yeah, so we always had a very, we always had a much love for, we were angler files, we liked the UK. Where did you watch the Queen's Cornet Nation? No, no, the Queen's Cornet. With funeral. The funeral?

Yeah, of course, so much to do. I was in, in, my wife's British, I was in England for my sister in law's wedding. It just so happened the Queen died while I was out there, right? Yeah. And then I had to come home, you know, I had gigs and stuff. I couldn't leave England because no planes were to fly overhead during the Queen's funeral.

I was stuck there for an extra couple of days. They could be pushing my flights back. Holy shit. My mother loved the queen. My mother used to, the easiest way to upset my mother, like if she walked into a room to make her like furious, and like you do it about twice a year, you'd only use this about twice a year.

She'd come in and you go, Mom, I think I've videotaped over Princess Diana and Charles wedding. She pulled the lugs out and everything. I thought it was something else. She thought that beatermax video of Princess Charles and Diana's wedding was the holy grail of life. I remember watching that live. She would sit there and watch it about once a month.

Are you serious? Sit there and the pump and the ceremony. One of my earliest memories is Prince William being born. I don't remember him being born. I remember they're wedding. I tell you, I have it. Okay, so you know when you know there's famous people, yeah. And then there's people who are like, so you know when you know there's famous people. Yeah.

And then there's people who are like, so I'm friends with the guy Robo Neal who shot Bin Laden, right? Oh, okay. So he, I'm sorry about that. Yeah, so he's famous amongst famous people. Like everyone wants to meet him because it's such an interesting story. I have another one. I know the bloke who dressed up as Bin Laden with a large mworkin, like a pubic hair wig, in a dress

wearing a turban and sneaked into Prince William's 21st birthday and stole the microphone way he was on stage giving a speech, right? Right? That's one of the greatest, if you get Aaron Barshack, is his name? Um, Ben Laden. There we go. There's the bloke, right? So he was standing at the front of Windsor Castle. Yeah, one of the oldest castles in the world. He was standing at the front He used to call himself the comedy terrorist. There he is with his mercenaries hanging out, right? Oh, God. Aaron's whole gig was what Aaron used to do is, he was not getting enough stage time, so he used to dress like Ben Laden. In the early 2000s, in the early 2000s,

he would dress as Ben Laden, he would jump on stage, steal the microphone from the comment and go, I'm the comedy terrorist and get as many jokes out as quickly as he could before someone tackled him or dragged him off. Really? Or they boot him away, right?

So he was always trying to get something done. So Aaron stood out the front of Windsor Castle, danced around in a turban in a dress, dress like bin Laden at the front of Williams 21st birthday. All the royal families going in there, the fancy dress I believe is called Colonials and Settlers or something. They're all dressed like, this is madness. We wait, wait, for a point, they dress up. Prince Williams 21st birthday, I believe everyone was dressed like this is madness. We wait for point. They dress. Prince Williams, 21st birthday. I believe everyone was dressed like Zolus and shit.

There was a lot of cultural appropriation. Oh, holy shit. No blackface to one, though, but they were wearing like... But they were, they could have it. They would have. Yeah, they looked like they were wearing outfits from coming to America. Right? Wow. Anyway, so... Anyway, yeah, so that's someone showing up for the party there.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's some posh gear. Do that now. That's some posh can't from eating. Right? Oh my god. That's fucking great. This is only in the early 2000s, right?

Holy shit. So they all rocked up in those outfits, right? Now, he's dressed as bin Laden with a turban with a pubic hair wig. He jumps over the fence of Windsor Castle, right? And just like, doesn't know what to do. Okay, he's just wandering around and one of the security guy comes up and goes, excuse me, what are you doing?

He's private school educated, Aaron, right? So he can put the voice on. So he just goes like, this, he goes, oh, I've had too much to drink and I've got myself, I've walked out, some door never cigarette, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and the guy laughed, walked him through six checkpoints. Oh, this guy got lost, walked him back into the party, the security walked him into the party, then he's standing there dressed as Ben Laden,

and they're all dressed as fucking Zulu warriors. Yeah, yeah, so that he just sort of fits in, they're like, oh, this guy's gone for it, right? He didn't look out of place at Prince William's 21st birthday. Dressed as a summer Ben Laden, right? Then he got on stage. He steals the microphone off William. William thinks it's one of his chums doing a trick on him. Or maybe Harry's done something. And he stood there. Aaron gets up and

does he stand up. He's never been on stage this long. He runs out of material after about five or six minutes. And he's just there and he sort of goes, I'm not I'm not meant to be here and then he he tells them I should be kicked out right. So Aaron gets Aaron gets locked into a dungeon. It's a fucking castle man. He gets thrown into the dungeon right. Holy shit back we're Henry used to put his wife. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Very same. So he's thrown into a dungeon. And then, if I can the guy that the main security guy

walked him through, he's standing in front of the cell like this and he goes, and this is very funny. Like he goes, he goes, oh, you're in trouble, mister. You're in so much trouble.

You can't believe how much trouble you are in. And then Aaron goes, not as much as you. Of course, he's the guy who walked in with that guy. Not as much as you. His job's over. Yeah, he's gone. He's just brought in, he's brought in, or some of him in London into his f*****ing...

Oh, he was standing six feet from the queen and Prince Charles, everyone, the next six people who were in line for the throne, he was standing there dressed as a summer bin Laden on a stage and he was walked in by security guy. So when every you hang out with Aaron, that's a great story. That's a fucking epic story. That's a good party story as you'll ever have. That is the best. Wait, so how much trouble did he get in? Nothing.

The royal family don't want to press charges. It's the same thing as when the guy broke into Buckingham Palace. They don't want to press charges. You can do anything to the royal family. And if you get caught, they'll just kick you out because there's meant to be enough securities that this will never happen. Yeah. Second of all, if they get caught, they'll just kick them out because there's meant to be enough securities that this will never happen. Second of all, if they press charges,

they might have to go to court if he pleads innocent. They might have to go testify. And they don't wanna have like a Johnny Depp amber her thing with the royal family. Oh my God. So they just go, we're good. And they act like, as a point of decency We want to deal with this man's mental health and make sure he gets the care that he needs but behind closed door They're like are you fucking kidding?

There was a cat dress has been loud and in a term in a dress and you walked him through Oh my God, wait, what are the odds you'll ever meet one of the royals? Um, I've done he used to you can do gigs and he was in the audience. You could do gigs up at San Andreas when he was at university and he'd be at the college universities. Um, other than that, it's like, my mother loved the role so much. It's like, I always painted myself as this edgy sort of, I'm getting less edgy with age, but it's always like this tough guy comic, you know what I mean? Yeah. But here's something about me, man, my mom loved the royal family that if any member of the royal family was visiting Australia,

and they visited on the regular, right? There'd always be one of them coming over, right? We're part of the regular. Right, there'd always be one of them coming over. Right, we're part of the comment. I would have to stand on the side of the fucking road holding a bunch of flowers in the hope that one day I would get to hand them directly because the queen would talk to one in 20 people who gave the flowers.

The rest of them, you gave to like a care person who there's gonna be this woman walking behind who would just bowels her flowers. One time I passed off some flowers that got to Diana. Like they were passed on, she thought that, you know, like. Yeah. That's the fuck that's my mother's dream.

That one there. The, I was listening to a podcast about the queen this morning about her that she was technically the first It was the first royal to ever be affected by Media like with with like televisions that her coronation they sold I forget they sold like 20 million televisions like they sold they sold televisions out the ass and it was the most watched thing and and Britain ever because everyone on televisions. Like they sold televisions out the ass and it was the most watch thing in Britain ever because everyone on televisions but then they were

talking like she had to deal with like public public relations nightmares. Like there was that that town that got. Yeah. And while the landslide with the digging at the call that's horrific. And yeah and then she was like I'll wait eight days. I'll let them wait to the thing and it was like, I'll wait eight days. I'll let them wait for the thing. And then it was like a fucking backfire at all. They were, I didn't know that she, there was an assassination attempt. I would, I look, I'm not a moniker. So I believe Australians should be a republic.

I believe the royal family is silly to have a monarchy. I think it's cool, but I'm a big fan of hers. I like the, I thought she did. I like the queen too. I thought she did a shitty job well, right? Yeah, she, she had to do 400 engagements of fucking year. She's shaped three million fucking hands, three million. And every single one of those counts has a story

about when and what she said and whatever. And they just, it's all over for her. Yeah. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, right? Like, that's a kind of a job. And she was doing it right up until she died, right? I think it's a stupid job, but I think she did it well. I think it's so funny, I never knew anything about it

and then I watched the crown and I was like, oh wow, that's pretty interesting. And then you fall in love with her because you go, oh, she didn't want this job. She didn't want, like, she didn't want to, her dad died, she was't want this job. She didn't want like, she didn't want to, her dad died, she was on vacation in Africa. She never wanted to be. She shouldn't have ever had it because her uncle,

he was abdicated. Abdicated and gave it to her dad. Gave it to her dad. So her line of family should have never had it. And then there's the King's speech thing. So that was the whole thing. So you got the King's speech is the first time that radio and he had to talk and talk

about the war. So he had to deal with talking in public on radio, like please. And we're going to make a fucking movie out of this. You're doing morning radio? Yeah. I'm doing morning radio, hang over and he's just like, that German. Yeah. So he got covered.

Yeah. And so then she was the first one that dealt with TV. And then arguably Megan Markle is the first person to deal with social media. Social media. Social media is interesting. Well, I look at, say, my wife, right? My wife is a mixed race Indian woman from the UK, right? So when she's born there?

Yeah, my wife's born there. But can I tell you, I feel like Indian people are more British than anything. Oh, there's a lot of Indian people in the UK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I know that I heard that like, that Curry is only good because of the UK. Are Indian food in India is a different thing

from Indian food in the UK? The one we eat in the UK, right? But the UK one is, that's the best meal, one of the best meals you'll ever have. The best Indian food I've ever had in my fucking life. Yeah, yeah, and then you've got areas like in Manchester you've got the curry mile which is a mile of like it says it on the tin down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. But what was I talking about? I say Meghan Markle, so my wife is my wife looks more Indian than wife,

but either either, either, right? So pull a picture away from her. Yeah, it's a Tazey Lawrence. If TASI, there's my wife, right? Yeah, I can see it. It's in a riser. Well, that's a very white picture. But yeah, my wife's in mixed race, British Indian,

you know what I mean? And so Tazey, when Meghan Markle was by, by Oprah, and then she told the story, she goes, there was a member of the royal family, my wife was pregnant at the time, right? She goes, there's a member of the royal family who questioned what skin tone the baby would have. And Oprah clutched her pearls at that moment and went, oh, I killed her. How did you, how did my wife as a mixed race British woman who loves Meghan Markle because she identifies with her, my wife's an actress as well,

my wife's just like Meghan Markle, right? And so she's just like this, my wife was just like, I can't believe, and I went, we did that yesterday. Yeah, we did that yesterday. Yeah. We did that with your mom and dad. And my dad, it's the same. We go, how tall do you think there'll be? What hair color do you think there'll be?

Do you think there'll have your eyes and my eyes? I wonder how dark the skin will be, right? It's not racism. Everyone wonders this. It's a question. I wonder if the kids are gonna look like me. Yeah, that's, I mean, when Georgia was born, she came out and immediately they're like, wow, she looks like her dad.

Immediately. They're like, my son looks identical to me, the new one. Yeah. Crazy. It's like two now, right? Yeah, it's up to, I go 10 year old, one year old. Yeah. And it's kind of upsetting,

because my wife's the good looking one. And you'd like them to have, like I didn't impregnate ugly people for a reason. You know what I mean? Because I wanted my kids to stand a chance. That's great. And then comes out looking like me. Like being funny, you can only get your sofa and fire.

You know, it'd be nice to have some looks. Well, Chris Rock said it in his special that black people do it. Well, this is the thing, because I have a mixed-race child, you do, you wonder what, because I'll tell you this, the hell that I've had with sunscreen, I went to Lego land yesterday, it was overcast, I got a bit of sunburn on me, I thought I got everywhere, there was no sun out yesterday, it was an overcast day and I still got sunbed. I'd like to have a bit more going on. Yeah, a bit more going on.

Your shirtless all the time. I, I, I tan very well. I'm red. I'm red a lot lately. Like I'm red. I think I spend too much time. I spent too much time in the summer. I was on travel channel.

I fucked my skin. That's why I enjoyed Britain. Cause I didn't put sunscreen on for about a decade. Yeah. And I was, I remember just thinking, ah I didn't put sunscreen on for about a decade. Yeah. And I remember just thinking, oh yeah. You were, you were, this is the definition of British comic, in my opinion.

Like when I first discovered British comics, you had like a rock star look, and you had a fucking cavalier attitude toward stand-up of like, we'll just figure out what happens. And I remember going like, that is the coolest shit. See, we didn't have that. We didn't have, or you were like the first rock star comic

because we didn't have that in the States. We had a tell, Norton, like, there was a like Patrice, but like, you came over and you were had a, I remember you have a pint on stage and everything was casual, but you were stylish. Well, I appreciate that, but I don't look like a rock star anymore. But I think that that was Adam Refeste of a culture.

Because the Adam Refeste was, everyone was just wasted the whole time. It was like, and drugs were super in, and it was just, it's culturally the British comedy scene isn't like that anymore. But yeah, there was an era where everyone was a bit more wild. I just did a tour in the UK with Tumibes mates, Glenwall and Andrew Maxwell,

and they still go and hard. I mean, Andrew Maxwell, I mean, I know him too. And Andrew Maxwell is a Irish comedian. It even says that on his thing. He looks like an Irish comedian. Ah, yeah, yeah. He was on a celebrity get me out of here who's in the jungle recently.

But he's, and I know it was Andrew, and uh, uh, uh, Glenwall. Glenwall. I know Glenwall. Paul Glenwall. Glenwall Canadian comedian. I know Glenwall. I know Glenwall. He's great. He married a British bird as well. And he, yeah, Glenwall. Glenwall. I know Glenwall. Pub Glenwall. Glenwall Canadian Committee. I know Glenwall. He's he's career, he married a British bird as well. And he, yeah, Glenwall, uh, his, his career has been in the UK for

the most party came out to America and he does some gigs every now and again. Yeah. He does gigs in Canada. But for the most parties, uh, being a UK guy. And so where did you guys towards you guys do it? We to it. Every, every major city of the UK. And we did, we did it all fast and we did Dublin as well. So when we do it, we're like, Tom's leaving, I think tomorrow to go to the UK, but when we do it, we do London, Manchester, what's the one place in Scotland? And in Broglazka. Last go and Dublin, but we don't do it. I always wanted to do all of it.

Like, I wanted to tour, like I want to do like a month where you're touring everywhere. I do, you know, I do Birmingham and I do Nottingham and I did Chef Hill. Did you do Chef Hill or Nottingham? I do Manchester, I don't do Liverpool because it isn't quite a right size room for me. It's either too big or too small.

Yeah. And then, you know, bell fast Dublin, we did Cardiff, you know, I, I, I, I, that's what I wanted. We did 40,000 people, you know, we did like a lot of, a lot of towns and real good time and such a great place to tour because the next day you're getting a van, not even a bus, you wouldn't even have a bus because who needs it, the next drives two hours, right? I did a bus, you wouldn't even have a bus because who needs it, the next drives two hours, right? I did a bus.

I did a double-decker bus, it was the greatest thing I've ever done. I did, I took it into Europe, I took it, we took the fucking from, what's the dover to Normandy? Yeah, yeah. We took the, it was the greatest thing I would do it again. I made no money on this tour, I'm certain. I had a posse of like nine with me. Right. It was. It was fun.

I used to use one, but then people used to, I used to have one open at doing like 30 minutes and I do like an hour and a half, right? And with the person doing 30 minutes, sometimes you get, and I always take comics so I think are really good. I'm never taking to someone for company. It's the first job is you've got to be a good comic, right?

So all my open is a great and But then you get people go The opening you read on ticket master and have taken a star off and you're like well, that was just You didn't even have to have one. Yeah, I didn't advertise one. I just gave you a cut Yeah, right? So then I say the thing you all put two people on to go 15 minutes And I'll try to make them slightly varied comics so that the audience gets a bit more variety So if you don't like one you like another one because you want people in a good mood when you come out Yeah

And we're about to do me and forest For a sure and aimless gill are about to to the UK Europe as a Sunday we're doing everywhere man in Europe So you do UK as one, and then you'd go. I did UK as one, I come back for two weeks, and then I'm doing Europe, and this is my last big tour for the year, after that I'm just doing casual gigs.

I got kids, man, I can't be, I can't be two of you. I hear you. And I, I'm on fucking road till the day I die. Yeah, but this is like six weeks done to stop this one, and we're doing, we're starting off in Milan, we're ending up in Retrovic and holy shit. And in our city.

So is your international fan base that big? I don't think. Oh, I do it. These aren't, I'm not doing what you do. A reign isn't stuff like that. These are, you know, 2000 cities. That's a big fucking value. Not bad, but all.

That's what I do in Europe. I use 2000 theaters, but I can't I mean I can I Berlin I did I do I do the Scandinavia's I do really well in we the Scandinavians Love grabby men. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, right? I think it's because they say put together and then to say look at this like Shambolic man, he's dancing around and saying outrageous things. This is cool time for me. We get up and do polar plunges and solnars every morning.

I fucking love singing. You know what, they always come up because they're into death metal there as well. Hardcore. Yeah, really heavy metal and death metal, right? And so the main thing I get coming to the people, because I play the Scandinavian country, this might be my eighth trip there.

Right, I keep going there, right, because, and they always come, and they, they meet in great, they're like this, I really enjoy the show, but I was more offended last time. And you're like, yeah, like, oh, that's what they're coming for. They wanna be offended.

They wanna be shocked. Yeah. And they wanna be confronted. And they, they, they, they, they, they, and so I was more Yeah, it's more fanned, but still good jokes. I laughed a lot, but the gods not as offended Yeah, I don't have I don't I don't have anything offensive in any of my acts anymore I feel like I feel like I'm getting I'm turning into an old man. I

My last special thing was one of my most offensive ones I just, I think it was like my old man, right wingman. You know what I mean? It's like, like, because I'm a pretty left wing sort of Philip, and occasionally I'm getting older like this. Ah, fuck off everyone, you're bloody irritating me. Yeah. I have a pro abortion joke in my new special,

not my new special, whatever I'm doing right now, that I only was doing in Mississippi and Alabama. I was only doing it in the South because I wanted to see, I always wonder who your audience is. And I was like, I wanted to see if my audience genuinely was comedy fans. Like if the joke was good enough, they like it.

And I tried it in Mississippi and it murdered, it murdered babies, every, yeah babies, baby. And so, uh, but so I was like, but I always find those places where you get the biggest response for a joke where the majority of the population agrees with the opposite side. Right? So because with every culture you've got a counter culture, so you go to Mississippi, like so me and you might be pro-abortion, we might be anti-abortion, but here in LA, if you meet someone who's anti-abortion, who gives a fuck there, they're not the norm, you meet someone who's pro-abortion, that's not interesting. Right? Because that's everyone you meet. But if, imagine you're living living all my religious stuff always works better in the South Yeah, when you say God isn't real because it's the people who have had it shoved in their throat the whole time

God's real God's real God's real And they just want to hear someone say it out loud and so Borscht's murder of Borscht's murder of Borscht's murder and then you come out. You're all shirtless and you just go I'm for abortion Yeah, that's fucking a release to these cons, man. They're so happy. So I believe that you get bigger laughs doing it in the dangerous. So I did my gun control routine, which is my most popular routine. Oh, no, that one wasn't. I thought that was...

No, the special after that, I filled in Nashville. I told you that. I told you that you broke the algorithm for me because you had one gun big go viral viral viral. And then anytime there was a school shooting or any shooting, it would go viral again. I wake up in the morning and then like, I've got all these alerts to do with it.

And I'm like, oh, someone must have gotten shot. Yeah, right? It's a terrible way. I tried riding a shark attack joke, just because I was like, I was like, there's shark attacks all the time. I would love to have that joke go viral. Like every time there's a shark attack. I'll tell you as a good shark attack routine is

Michael McIntyre. Who's Michael McIntyre? Michael McIntyre is your biggest comic in the UK. Sales out of rain is, whenever he wants to, if he wants to get out of bed. There he is, there he is, Michael Mac and Tire. I was sent in the way you go, spelled Mac and Tire.

But yeah, Mac and Tire, oh look at him, he looks like Pete Holmes. He's a bit Pete Holmes, he's a little bit Pete Holmes, yeah. And he sort of speaks like this, he goes hello, hello Britain, how are you? He has been Holmes, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be a good analogy. Yeah, that's a good Pete Holmes. He's British Pete Holmes, yeah. peat homes, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that would be a good analogy. That's a good peat home. He's British peat homes. Yeah. And by the way, I think peat homes has a shark tag bit. What's his shark tag? I saw it in that one.

I saw it in that one. Peat homes is just doing his act. I saw it very special. And I'm trying to think, he's Michael's extraordinarily good at accents. He can do any accent from any region in Britain or the Australian accent. He always does that bit about,

like whenever you see in the Australian news, it's always like there'd be some guy in hospital. You'll go, there's some guy in hospital. And he'll be laying there, and you'll be missing an arm, that people would be interviewing him and go, what happened? He goes, I was on me surfboard,

and then out of nowhere, a shark came up, and you're like, out of nowhere, out of nowhere, you're in the ocean. You're in the ocean, it would make more sense if I was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher. And then out of, you know, that's the gist, right? I'm paraphrasing completely, because I can't quite remember it. So, okay, let's rank comics.

So like, I only like the good man. Let's do this, I'm not gonna put me one day. No, no, no, no, let's rank comics. So like, I really like the good man. Let's do this. I'm not gonna put you on there. No, no, no, no, let's do this. Cause like I would say like, I would say, I would say when you were saying this. I'm only saying, me and you can't be in this rank. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But so I was like, I was like earlier when you were saying Brad Pitt's probably top five. Yeah, comes in. And then I said, can you, I was thinking, can you, my thought process went can you imagine being Friends with someone that's that high up in the game. Yeah, in any of their professions. Yeah, how uncomfortable We do know these people yeah exactly. I'm saying I'm sitting across from one. Oh, no, but no, but you would You're one of the biggest comics it with here. Now, here's my point. Okay. So like say we put

Like top 10 comics. All right. What we should do is start a fantasy league, right? Yeah, we've got a fantasy league and then we have a draft day and we pick comics See I would do a lot of British comics. No, no, no, we have to do it in regions. We did American League We're not doing the bridge. Yeah, we're not gonna follow the British Football League, you know what I mean? So 50 best stand-ups. Oh no, that's, those things, that's one person's opinion. They're always, you always get to like the top 10

and you're like, oh come on. You're missing blah blah blah and you're missing blah blah and you're missing this person. I'm just gonna pick some of the people. This is an interesting list. Freddie Prince, okay. Freddie Prince, I've never seen Freddie Prince. I'm friends with Freddie Prince,

Juney's a nice fella. Yeah. His dad was. His dad was Freddie Prince, see? Yeah, his dad was the OG. Yeah. This list is, Phil is dealing.

This is the thing with comedy. You just gotta be happy within yourself, right? Yeah. You stop worrying about what other people would up to. You chase the dream, not within yourself, right? And you start worrying about what other people are up to. Chase the dream, not the competition, right? Because at the end of the day, we're all fucking Phyllis Dealerman,

because no young person knows who the fuck Phyllis Dealer is, and she's died in our lifetime, right? George Burns died at a hundred. He was still had gigs in the fucking diary. Shut up. He died at a, and he was most iconic looking fellow. He heard, no, no, no. No person under 30 knows who the fuck George Burns is.

No one knows. Tiss and Patrice on the same list makes me happy. Dick Gregory was fucking amazing. See, Dick Gregory. I'm coming from Australia. I haven't listened any Dick Gregory stuff. Dick Gregory never filtered through to me. I know Dick Gregory's nephew.

His Dick Gregory's nephew's fucking hilarious. He has a joke that I still think of to this day. He goes, we're sitting eating and he's watching this white dude walk by. I go, what? And he goes, man, you white guys wear under armor like it's clothes. And I went, what? And he goes, that's a workout outfit. You're not supposed to wear it out to eat. Tom Rickles fucking amazing. See, like, that's my thing though. Tom Rickles, I once did IP&Antony and he was on the right here with eat. Tom Rickles fucking amazing. See, that's my thing though. Tom Rickles, I once did open Anthony and he was on the radio with me and it's the only time that I thought,

I'm not gonna talk. I'm not gonna cut this guy off. I'm not gonna cut him off from a fucking joke or try to top one of these jokes or even add on to one of these jokes. God. I'll just sit there and laugh. Tom Rickles, man, you watch some of Tom Rickles now

and you're like, like there was an Asian guy in the audience and he goes, five years, five years I spend the jungle looking for your grandfather, five fucking years. And you're like, what are you smelling your hand? Don Ripples was fucking amazing. He was like, you look at this list and you go, this list is, you can't, like if you just,

if you, if you, there's so many people you can tank out and add in this stuff. Oh yeah. And it's like, Bill Cosby's on here. Well, you can't take it away. This is, I try to, I've done a Bill Cosby routine. I've tried to do a new routine now.

Yeah. Because, okay, so I'm at flappers the day I'm working out stuff. The day that Bill Cosby gets let out of prison, they got a phone call. They got a phone call. My agent who used to work with him gets a phone call. They got a phone call. My agent who used to work with him gets a phone call. Within hours of Bill Cosby leaving prison, he was ringing up all the comedy clubs in town going, I have myself a new set.

I'm ready to go. I'd buy that. Now this is the thing. You want to see it, right? I'd buy it. You want to see it. You don't want to be seen in the audience. Because he's, I'm not terrible man. You want to see it. You don't want to be seen in the audience, because I'm not terrible man.

Dreadful human being. Yeah. Right? Not just, but also they do say that when someone gets out of prison, they are 70% more likely to reaffend if they don't have gameful employment. So really for the safety of others, we need them. I mean, we need.

I mean, we gotta get them on stage. We gotta get them on stage. There's only one solution. If you want those women to be safe, he needs to be on stage. Yeah, he needs to be doing gigs, it's the only way. What's crazy to me though is that like, I would put a list of the top 10 comics working and I would never think to add anyone I know over in England

or anyone in Australia. I immediately I have British comments. Yeah, and when you say that, I go like I'm sitting there going, dude, this list, I mean, if you did like, I put Andrew Maxwell, Glenn Moul is well. I put those guys in my top ranked T's. Like, you know, like, like, Andrew Maxwell used to be a comic that when he was a clob club You they're very few guys. They used to be like All right, it's gonna be hard to follow. Yeah, I mean, I'm not scared of many people But he was one of those runs that yeah, hard to follow guys. What's up? What's um? I just hung out with the British comic when I was over there

fucking one of the funniest quickest dudes Fucking one of the funniest quickest dudes Austin who was it? Russell Howard Russell Howard, J.A. He's funny guy Fucking He's a funny guy Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr Jimmy Carr Amazing Jimmy Carr, by the way, one of the nicest, good friend One of the nicest men in the fucking world, man And they tried to cancel him, but funny is funny, man That was crazy, they tried to cancel him but funny's funny man. Yeah, that was crazy. They tried to cancel him on a joke that was on a special.

A joke that was on a special that was recorded that ed months earlier and then they just decided to go for him. And it's like, this is the thing. So he got done for doing a joke about the gypsies or the travelers as they want to be called. You can't say gypsies anymore, but like I lived in Britain man. There wasn't a lot of people are pretty mean about the gypsies, right?

So all these bleeding hearts were like, I can't believe you. It's, oh, fuck off the lot of you. I never heard a nice word. No, there was no. When we were there, there were people were saying, hey, go after the, when we were in Ireland, and I was like, I'm not.

I don't know anything about it. It's like me making joke about aborigines. I don't know anything. Yeah, that's different. The aborigines are in the trap. Yeah. There's scams that have been put. You have to watch out.

This isn't like going, you know, those people, they do this thing. You have it in lock stock and two smoke and barrels. Right. When you have this depicted, it's pretty close, man. Yeah. It's pretty close, right? They'll tarmac your drive out asking you

and then it's thought you'd like, this is things that I've seen happen. Yeah. Right, I've seen it happen by the lucky Heather and then their kids will get around you. And all there's a lot of scams. You got to be careful, right? Yeah.

And so he makes a joke about gypsies and then just the... So I think I can say this now because it's past, but so I was on the phone to Jimmy, and he was a little rattled, he wasn't super ratted because he's a pretty cool clown collector, so he's on a fellow and he's like, I can't believe this happened four months after this thing

and he had people protesting at the front of his gigs and all this stuff and I just said, something will happen in the news cycle and it'll go away. Because this isn't a big deal. This is because nothing else is fucking happening. and say something will happen in the news cycle and it'll go away, don't worry. Because this isn't a big deal. This is because nothing else is fucking happening. Yeah. It's nothing else is happening.

So they're going after you for a joke from four fucking months ago. If something else was happening, this wouldn't even be on anyone's radar. Yeah. Anyway, the next week Chris Rock gets slapped. Are you serious? All right.

And then the week after that, Putin invades the Ukraine. Brilliant. Fucking, crazy. It's my car sitting in his mansion going, but he's too good at comic. It was never going to last for it. And also the joke, look, I can say the joke. I'm just quoting the joke. I don't want to be cast. Remember, I don't remember the joke, look, I can say the joke. I'm just quoting the joke.

I don't know what it was. I don't remember. I don't remember the joke. I thought it was, I didn't know what it was. It was a Holocaust joke. Oh. But he goes in the Holocaust. Oh, I love that joke.

Six million Jews were killed, but silver lining. They also killed some gypsies. Yeah. So like, like, it was, look, but he said before the joke, he goes, the special was called dark material. Yeah, and he prepped this. Dark material. And he said, these are the jokes that could get me canceled.

Yeah. And then he said the jokes and it's like, fuck me, people. If you're gonna be worried about that, you know, like worried about, fuck, like, try and look it back at all my old jokes, man. You'll find some things, right? I have a special I won't let him put out.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. I shot it, it's out there and then they were like someone someone wanted to buy it and I went nope I mean I titled I think I titled the you know this back when you you gave like a title because I think I saw in DVDs I tell it like Mexicans Fucking horrible The you're proud were against Mexicans. Like it was fucking horrible. The, you're prower against, I must have been pro. I love it.

It was, I love it. What for? I love Mexicans. I, if anything, if anything could be said about me, it would be that I really had a blind spot to actual racism. Like I've never really, I've actually, whenever I hear about real racism, I go, I've said stupid thing. When I'm never really, I've actually, I'm never actually, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never really, I'm never, I'm never, I that's just, we were kids. Yeah. We were kids, we said stupid things.

There was a book called. And that's why, with anybody who does anything stupid, I'm fucking, who are you right now as a person? Who, what are you doing right now? Because you can't fucking, these people, I have a lot of empathy for someone who sends out a dodgy tweet when they were a kid. Yeah. You know, I wasn't supportive of a Rose Embarrow. I thought

that one was a bit much personally. Now other people are. At the time now I look back on it and I'm like, because I had a TV show, so we spoke out again. Now I'm like, ah, fuck, what did I care for? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, to talk about what happened that bloody week. I remember me and Bill Burr were on TV the day that Shane Gillis lost his job on SNL, right? And I never heard what he said on that podcast or what he did or anything like that. And we were on, was David Spature and David was like, what do you think about blood, and me and Bill just sort of looked at each other and we were like, you know, fucking people say stupid, and I was like, I don't know.

And I remember some of the writers in my room were angry that I didn't speak out against Shane Gillis. And now, if Shane's listening, I'm a big fan of Shane Gillis. I think he's a very funny comic. I think he's extraordinary. I think he's, I think Shane Gill a very funny comic. I think he's extraordinary. I think he's, I think, Shankillus is an elite.

I think we're going to be knowing this guy in 20 years. He's gonna be doing skate. It's not gonna wane. He's in a, I knew nothing of him when that first, and so I was just like, all I said on the show and the footage is there, I just said, well, what are we gonna, I said this could be a learning moment

or something like that. I said something along that line, you know, but I said, we're gonna cancel the old John Belushi where he's dressed as a samurai. We'd like, I think his eyes pinned back like cutting. I think so, yeah. Things were there going, oh, and cutting things with a sword, right?

I said, how far back are we gonna go? I said, SNL better watch themselves if they're like, oh, this is an acceptable on SNL. You know, you have, they've done every face. Yeah, they've done every face. They've done Asian face-blackface. They've done all the faces. So for them to get all, I think the same gillest thing

should have been, you know, they also had the, they also had the first Asian cast member. I forgot his name, he's funny. Boa and young. Boa and young. And so they had him maybe do a sketch about it or something and then see how we are moving forward. Boa and didn't seem to be upset, you know what I mean?

Like that's how I felt about it at the time. I don't think there's, I don't, I think if you are in that group of, there's, there's, um, people that, their currency is the outrage. Like the, they're out there. They, they, they, they can't really fuck, they're not allowed because like, my buddy, Croy, interestingly enough for a guy who was fairly measured,

killed himself. But, but he's the word but he's the fucking one. When someone commits suicide, it's the fuck. And you know what, I have so much empathy for people who fucking do it because I've been at that stage in life where I've just sort of gone and had to check myself, you know what I mean? And if maybe, because I went out as younger in my early 20s and stuff like that, I thought about it and that's all

stuff and, you know, I would always stop early 20s and stuff like that, I thought about it and that's all I was stuffing. And you know, it always stopped me. I really upset me, mum. You know what I mean? I remember thinking, oh, and she dies, I could probably do it. Then it wouldn't upset too many. And then you're like, I've had people commit suicide, I'm like, it debit. If you're ever doing, you don't think that it's going to devastate the people around you.

It destroys the people around you. You don't think about the Schrapnel. The, the, the, that's a push of a domino that sets off a chain of events. But I understand pain. I understand your head, you can't fix it or something like that. And whenever you say that someone who could suicide is a coward or something like that,

and people say that all the time, it took the cowards away, how does something like that. You got say that all the time. It took the cowards away out of something like that. You got to understand that the people who do it truly are sick in the head. They truly, truly believe that the world will be better without them. Their friends and family will appreciate them doing it. They get to that stage.

And it's never the case. There's never been a case of someone killing themselves, except for Jeffrey Epstein or something like that. Someone in prison or something like that. But there's never been a case of someone killing themselves, except for Jeffrey Epstein, something like that. Someone in prison or something like that. But there's never been a case of someone who's been sort of, where everyone around was like, oh, Hitler. I bet you were in that bunker.

That ain't fucking one Hitler to commit suicide. Oh, they wanted to get it. They wanted to catch him or very shoot them themselves. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That really was the cow's way. I bet you were in that bunker when Hitler killed himself, you're like, I'm not doing that. Come on, keep going.

What's the joke? He was only married for about three hours. Yeah. I had, that was a joke. I got into a caveting then. Are you gonna tell you a story about your friend? I'll cut you off. Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about it.

But you said it. No, no, no, no, he just said to me, well, there's a long list before can't sculpture. There's before anything. This is just, he just said to me, well, there's a long list before can't sculpture, there's before anything, this is just, he was talking about a friend of ours who was a vegetarian, a vegan. Oh, well there too. And he goes, I can't, I say interestingly enough

because he did kill himself, but he said, I can't live in absolutes. I can't live in absolutes. And he goes, and he was, Kroy was a guy that was he would be very Pensive about a subject and chew on it non-stop and he's like I And this one little thing of this person going vegan he got really worked him up and he was like She never gets bacon now. She can't ever have bacon not on my book because when you say you're a vegan for life

Now I hold you to that so like you got gotta know, the words you say have meanings, because people say things without meanings. They say it and they don't mean it. Yeah, but you can change it, man. You can change it. But when you are one of those people that say, you've consistently been outraged, and you've been vocal about like,

like, Louis and Cosby and Shane Gillis, and you've been vocal across the board. By the way, those three men are, oh, that's not the same group. Sorry Shane. Sorry Shane. Shane. Shane. Well, what the fuck? Louis as well. Yeah, Louis. Yeah, come on. Go. A Z's. You know, the, no, the, um, but when there's people that have they've, they've made, they've made their, their, their direction is that one line where I, if, if there's been an infraction, cancel them, they're dead to us, never allowed to work.

I don't wanna see them at the cellar this and that. Well, then they have no room to kind of wiggle room, whereas when you don't really, especially when you don't speak out about it, you can just definitely allow your opinions to change. So I've always spoken out about. Wow, I regret speaking out of it. I regret it. I out about, how I regret speaking out of it. I regret it.

I regret ever speaking out of it. Because I changed my mind about things, life's got a lot of gray area man, when I was younger and so, the TV show, the Jimmy Deppie Show, was a bit of a struggle at some times because of the fact that something happened and I needed to have an opinion.

And most of the time I'd keep my opinions to myself, but when you're going to TV show, you've got to have your opinion. You've got to have your opinion. And sometimes I had an opinion, but I didn't really give a fuck, right? Yeah. And I couldn't voice that,

that if you push me, it's like, it's like you go, how many pro-nighters should a trans person have, right? I'm like, I don't see. I don't give a fuck. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Six? Yeah, I look at a fuck. But I don't give a fuck if you have 80. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck if you have 80, but if you push me, I'll go six and then they go, no, 30. And I'm like, well, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Someone said, I go, I was drinking a bud light on stage. And isn't that the thing with racism and bigotry and all that was like, don't we want to get to that utopia of people not giving a fuck?

Yes. I would love it if we could get to. I wish I would hope that I get that. But Donald Rowlands argued, you cannot give a fuck because you're a white part. But I would say the goal is for everyone to not give a fuck. No, that's the utopia we want to give to. It's society that doesn't give a fuck. That would be fucking it type you want to get to. Society that doesn't give a fuck.

That would be fucking good. We're not angry, we're not sad, we're not this, we're not that mad, you know what I mean? And so it's like, I had a friend who she was a bisexual advocate. I think she said, and I said, no one gives a fuck. Yeah. And we have advocates for the guys. Okay, we have advocates for the guys. You know, advocates for the trans community,

but the bisexuals, we're all kind of jealous. Yeah, you've got the pick of the litter. You've got everyone. You want my support? Oh, I've got his women. Yeah. I got your back. I'm on tour.

Yeah, I'm like, but make sure you bring the kind I like to the more. Yeah. The, yeah, everyone likes you by sexual women popular very popular No, I know I've never heard anyone sit at a buddy go you know who's ruined in this country those bisexual women We try to date. Yeah, I am an ally. I am an ally. I'm a bisexual ally I will if you want to have sex with a man or woman,

I will be your man to help you out and get through what you're going through. Let me, let me march with you. I'm here for you. God damn it. The, what was I gonna say? Oh, I was drinking a Bud Light on stage the other day. And I don't know if you, I don't follow anything.

So I really honestly don't follow anything. Yeah, yeah. I've all I listen to is the news and the TV show and then I stopped, I've stopped with the news. And now if it filled this through to me, something big's happened. Yeah, yeah. So I crack a Bud Light and they start booing. And I'm like, well, that's not the reaction I get when I have a beer on stage, usually, usually it's a roaring ovation. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? And they're like, you're not, you're gonna drink Bud Light?

This guy and I go, yeah, I'm gonna drink Bud Light. And he was like, do you see there? They support trans. And I was like, nice to put trans. Yeah, well, they did a, that's what the guy said. And I was like, okay, I said, I don't really give a fuck. They did a commercial where they trans woman in a bathtub drinking a bud light

and then they put her on the can and Kid Rock shot up a fucking bunch of cases of bud light. And I was like, I'm gonna go first of all. I'm not only do I not give, it's not gonna affect the way I consume goods at all. No. By the way, I've met a bunch of trans people.

I have never had a problem with trans persons. I believe trans is a real thing. I did jokes about trans people in my new special and I said, I like a bit of publicity, right? But I think what I was saying was funny things. I do, I see push come to shove, do I think that every single one of them is equal? All of the, no, each situation is different.

Each situation, in my opinion on like whether kids should do it or something like that, I'll try to keep that to myself. Because that's once again, we'll get me in trouble. That will be a conversation I have with my wife. If one of my daughters wants to transition. Yeah, yeah, I'm not a conversation. I'm sharing with anyone and if you transition, but you're a vaginal Support you fully I might yeah Just get those fake tips and you keep whipping your shirt

My sir, I fucking sells anything. I'm doing numbers now. I'll be doing fucking Raymond James You'll get arrested for exposing the beautiful tits. I would have beautiful I'm fucking Raymond James. You'll get arrested for exposing this. Beautiful tips. I would have beautiful footage. I did that at most especially. I guess I always get perfect ones. That's not the real female experience.

They want to be a real woman. They've got to get one slightly bigger than the other. You do that, you can play any sport you want. My cousin, my cousin, Andrews, the funniest fucking dude. But not like, me does comedy, I think, as a larke. He's really a writer, but he's just a funny hang, like a funny dude. And we were in Serbia doing the movie and we were,

he we were in the car and someone had, someone had big, someone had transitioned and you know private conversations are usually the funniest and he just goes, yeah. You know, I'd be a lot cooler with it if he had a bracket. And I said what? And he goes, if he knew about March Madness and he had a bracket,

then I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, and he goes, and why do you always gotta pick the cool name? Why can't you just, why can't you just, why can't you just be like Chad? Like, yeah, and he was just very casual, and we were crying fucking laughing about,

about just the idea of like, if if I transitioned I'd go fucking hard. I'd go I'd go hard. I keep my dick. You know, you say that's it. You see that's just want the tips. That's a debate. Yeah. Like if you keep the dick. I had this test. I would jerk off and poke my back. Or is it just something that you know, it's like that that's that's scushing happening Nashville right. so the person was transitioning and then it's that become part of the story is there an inconsequential to the tale you drinking that beer there were in Nashville it was a trans person who did the last school shooting oh wow now I and so I only go my I'm only peaked because I

go that must have set off a shit storm. It was a woman who became a man. And she went to that school and now he went to that. See, that was the bit that they were, they were like, they, they, they, Oh, I heard. Right. Yeah. So I, I knew about the shooting.

I didn't, I don't, maybe I didn't know about that. But I don't, see, this is the thing. Does that still go? Because there's always men who shoot up schools. Does that go into that? Ask that so like I feel like I think that good one. We put that as an L for the will it ladies on that one Yeah, is that him or her? That's that's it with him by the time it did I still Even the shooter the shooter wants to be called him or call you him if that's the thing

But I don't I'm gonna call y'all the other bad shit. I called you. Yeah, you're a piece of fucking shit, sir. Yeah. You're a horrible human being, mister. It doesn't, you know, this is going to sound super silly. I selfish cancels, I school shit is selfish fucking cancels. I don't understand. I, I said, this is why I don't talk about, because I said something super ignorant in our green room. I said, how old were the kids at Sandy Hook?

And they were like six years old. Seven years old. Even now I just had a little thing. Like, sadly. And then I go, what? I said that, I said that makes it almost worse. And then somebody goes, just, you know, any school shootings, absolutely horrible.

I went, I know, but like, not that, like when you go look at colabine and you go they were bullied that you know like there's They they had an agenda because of the kids how they traded more how they perceive There was a guy in an eye on one of the kids that bullied Yeah, Dylan Clebold and the other guy. There was and I think it fucked up his life I mean that it was like you go like in a weird way like when you look at like the movie headers, right? And you talk about that I I can wrap my head around that a little bit, not obviously I can't

wrap my head around a school shooting at all, but when you think six and seven, that is a special place and hell for that person. It's terrible. Dumblyne in Britain, that was a grown man, not even a disillusioned teenager, a grown. What happened? That was the last shooting in the UK

and it happened maybe 25 years ago, maybe more, right? About 25 years ago, dumb lane, and a guy went into a preschool and shot up a whole lot of, like year one and year, oh, maybe they were like five, right? He shot up the school that small little village in Scotland and then they brought in the gun restrictions they haven't had a shooting there since.

It's the same as the school shooting. Now I know, I know, this is why sometimes I'm hesitant to be on your podcast because some of your fans fucking go me up there. You're on a gun yet? Sure. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I plead another amendment right there on the face.

Yeah, this is dangerous territory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, because I get shit on a lot for these type of things, man. Well, it's crazy because this is what you were saying about. So you have a rainbow, a rainbow beer. You wouldn't even holy a rainbow beer. You were just holding a beer. I was on a beer.

That has rainbow options, but you holy, right. And so in another crowd, you were just holding the beer. I was on a beer. That has rainbow options, but you were holding it. And so in another crowd, you get applauded for that. And then in this crowd, you get booed. And I fucking, I like left-wing comedians. I like right-wing comedians. I grew up listening to my parents love John Denver and I like Metallica. I don't see this person,

because a lot of people will write, you're shit in this comics good. You know what I mean? You'll never be as good as blah, blah, blah, or something like that. They write all that type of crap, right? I don't. How do cats be in me can exist in the same world?

Yeah. Can exist in the same way. And you can like us both if you're so wish. You can, there must have been people in that room that were scared to actually mention that, oh no, I have no problems with trans people. I had no problems telling that audience. I don't have problems with trans people

and I don't think that Bud Light went far enough and then I wrote a joke about it. I was like, fuck for you. But I just, I don't, no one's ever gonna dictate. I'm never gonna be dictated how I feel about anything to anybody, anyone, because also I'm not the guy in the know on anything. I never have a take. When it comes to guns, the beauty of you,

and I hope that I have a little bit of this as well, and there's a lot of good comments. I think real good comedy comes from, I'm an idiot, but here's what I think, and here's a few things I know, but for the most part, I'm an idiot, but here's what I think. And here's a few things I know, but for the most part, I'm an idiot. So I try to do on stage, I don't try with words or something, to keep my sort of persona both above and below

the audience, so high ground and low ground. So there's high ground comics and there's low ground comics that are below everybody. I try to go, oh, I'm gonna good, I Maybe you didn't hear this. I'm a fucking moron. You do you I mean, I you I we've broken down your comedy on a tour bus before and crying fucking laughing at your ability to your ability to I mean, I don't I don't want to go into the mix. I don't want to break apart the bit, and but your, your, your, your

pastoreus bit. Yeah, yeah. We broke that down about how brilliant it is, because it's saying something while getting you to laugh at the fucking funniest thing in the, like, it was, it was a woman being murdered. Yeah, it's, it's, I mean, but like, but like, and obviously I was joking,

I don't condone people killing their wife. It's funny because I do jokes about my wife being Indian and stuff like that. And then someone wrote, I had one complaint, one lady wrote to me, and she wrote, and she wrote, how dare you pick on Indian wives? I only have one. I'm not picking on all of them. That's fucking great. Yeah, that's great.

I do my favorite story about having my father-in-law is in Indian fella, but he grew up in London, Cockney accent. And he's named Derek, in the Derrick, Derrick's Derrick's in New Fellow Talks like, here's some Derrick, right? Follow right follow top them don't I right and So my dad meets Derek's on my father-in-law and my father meet each other over Christmas and we're about to spend three weeks together Right in the house. I got my Sydney, right and so so my dad were driving up to the house And he's about to meet my in-laws and my father, old school, Australian Blake, he wants to get everything right. You know, he wants to go, and he goes, so what's your father-in-law's name?

And I said, Derek, and he goes, Deruk. Deruk. Deruk. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no've got it, I've got it, I've got it. And then he meets him. Hello, Eric. And he like, but he was just such a panic because he didn't want to do it. I was like, that's not my dad being racist saying the root. That's my dad trying to do his best.

Yeah. Trying to say the right thing and not upset anyone, but like, yeah, they got to like house one for best. Did you name your son any Indian ethnicity name? He's middle name is Dan Reg, which is my wife's real last name. She said my wife changed her name for acting reasons

to Lawrence, but her real last name is Dan Reg. And she thought that would be a hindrance. And now possibly helper in a career, maybe. I don't, I wouldn't hurt, you know what I mean? I couldn't hurt. Couldn't hurt, but she changed her name to maybe. I wouldn't hurt. You know what I mean? Couldn't hurt. Couldn't hurt, but she changed the name to Lawrence. Good to see you, Lawrence.

Russell Peters, last name really Peters? I don't know, but I know a lot of people have done that. It's like, it's pretty good. Who's like, Godchip and dial, it's a son. No, no, no, no. I come out. Come out and I'm Johnny the sun, the nurse. No, no, no, no. I come out. Come out, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no would say the more Canadian. I would say Peters, maybe you got changed a couple of generations back to Peters. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you're always,

maybe Peters is a popular name in India, I don't know. I remember. He's parents, more in Peters and Eric Peters. Yeah. The Peters. They're the Peters. The Peters. His brother Clayton Peters is one of the funniest

dudes in the whole world. He's out of the brother. Peter Paters. They're all they. Yeah. I heard they're pumpkin eaters. The um. That's me five a minute of the park guys. That's a nice end line and on.

That's the thing. You should name this episode. Pumpkin ate his. And just wait till we get there. Um, people will listen. Why are they pumpkin ate? So we would you're on tour. I say tell everyone where they can find you. And just wait until we get there. People will listen. Why are they fucking idiots? So you're on tour. Tell everyone where they can find you.

If it JimJeffries.com, and I've just announced a whole lot of Canadian and American North American dates. But we've got Vienna, Zurich, Budapest Athens, Ellsbury, Barcelona Madrid, Tel Av've got Vienna, Zurich, Budapest, Athens, Elspir, Barcelona, Madrid, Tel Aviv, Dubai, Antwerp, Rotterdam, Retrovic. And then my next gigs are in Vegas, and I'm gonna try to enter the World Series of Poker.

For real? Yeah, it's on my main Vegas. I'm gonna try to enter. Oh, fuck yeah. That's fucking badass. I might get knocked out real quick. I'm not a bad poker player, but amongst me mates, you know, amongst me friends.

We can wear a mask and pretend you're afraid of COVID. No, no, no, no, no, no. And we're a mask and then no one can. No, I'd like to, because there's always Ray Romano's always there. And there's a guy who's helping me out with a poker. And he, I said to him, he goes, he goes, I used to play with an Aussie guy.

Who is the Aussie guy? He goes blonde hair, Shane, to him, he goes, he goes, I used to play with an arse guy. Who is the arse guy? He goes, blonde hair, shane, something, okay, shane worn, because that's shane worn, right? Yeah, shane worn. And I said, yeah, he was a pretty good cricket. This is how little cricket's known. This guy was like, I played poker with a guy called Shane Warren,

who was a pretty good poker player. He was the greatest bowler that ever lived. And when he died, very early, he died like last year, a billion people watched his funeral on television Are you sure one in one in eight humans watched these funeral? He was his famous as a human being who was he used to he used to date Liz Hurley right for real I don't know he just a heart attack just quite young There he is there Shane Shane Shane Warren Warn, W-A-R-N-E. There he is,

there's Warny. He's the most famous Australian. When he died, Australians enough to go to work and we had a national funeral. We already played for, did he play for Australia? And did he do 40 for 40? What is it for? No, no, he was back in test match days. He was already retired and doing 20 for 20. He's beautiful. He's beautiful. He was the greatest spin roller.

He did this bowl with a ball with land here and then it would go, Wump sideways off the bounce on such a stuff. He was remarkable, remarkable as an athlete. And the Americans' name is quite a good poker player. That's fucking hilarious. That's fucking hilarious. It's fucking hilarious. There's like very few celebrities that if I met them, I would be too nervous to talk

and Shane Warren would be the two nervous to talk category. It's like, like he died young. So they all, you know, everyone was in mourning. I reckon the Canadians need Wayne Gretzky to die soonish. Right? Just not for him. Not for him, not for him, for them though, because if he dies now, they get a holiday. They get a great ski day, or they, or very at least,

the funeral they get the day of work. If you leave it too long and we start listening to Gretzky's podcast, I don't give a puck. You know, you become George Burns. And his podcast is like, and I'll tell you why there weren't many black hockey players. and we start listening to Gretzky's podcast all I give a puck. Yeah, you know, become George Burns. And he's podcast is like, and I'll tell you why there weren't many black hockey players. Like, if he starts doing that,

if we start hearing these old man views, he'll fight off into obscurity is like, don't listen to him. You want him to die around now? You want, I guess you want your death to be tragic. Ah, not tragic. You want it to be, you want it to be in your prime. You have to get an airplane and then you think,

I sometimes use to think, oh, I can, I want to be the most famous person in this airplane. I reckon I'll get most of the media coverage on this accident. And then sometimes you walk in, I walk down once and then I sat down, and we were good friends, I sit down,

I'm like, yeah, Bob Sagaz here, I'll just be the big bopper. In sit down, I'm like, yeah, Bob Sagitts here. I'll just be the big bopper. And the slide, I'm gonna get that. I sat on a plane, I sat on a plane one time and I was with the entire band of Earth Wind and Fire. And I was like, there's no way anyone will mention me at all. It's Earth Wind and Fire goes down. Yeah, Earth Wind and Fire goes down and flies.

Yeah. Yeah, oh, oh, die with Wind and Fire. Oh, it's Shane. Look at him day with Winnie Foy. Oh, there's Shane, look at him bloody beast of a man. He used to smoke sigs in between overs. He ate like a fucking animal, he'd get fat. Here we go, look at what this ball do. This will be unbelievable. I don't know, oh, this is live, that's right.

So he throws it, boom. All right, that wasn't, we're actually watching a game. Oh, this is just watching an actual, I know. Okay, I know, someone caught it, but this is a five day sport. I love the outfits. I love the outfits. Well, this is the thing, so they changed it to a one day sport

and they started playing nighttime cricket, right? So nighttime cricket was the first time they played it under lights. And the first time the lights, the red ball couldn't be seen under lights. So they went, a white ball can be seen, right? So they changed to a white ball, but the white balls were getting lost in the uniforms. And so that's when the first colored uniforms came in, where they had the Australian and New Zealand and South African and Indian uniforms came in with all the bright colors. And then they were like, this, we could even, we could sell the jerseys. Like, how fucking dumb are these cunts at the whole time?

Because you couldn't sell that merchandise. No. It's just a white outfit. Yeah. It's white outfit with a sweater. Yeah, yeah, with a sweater. I like the sweater. Sleeveless sweater. And there's a hat that the Australians have to wear called a baggy green.

Yeah. And it's this old that the Australians have to wear called a baggy green, right? And it's this old hat called the Australian baggy green. And the baggy green, you only get one your whole lifetime, right? And anyone who plays for Australia gets one. So they're very sore after. These are real like, this is the, that's the hat. It's an ugly looking hat like this.

But you only get one your whole career. And by the end of your career, if you're an obo, they look like tatted bits of fucking mess on the top of these people's heads, yeah. There it is, it's a monstrosity of it. And they're hard to get. You got to play for Australia, the only people who get them.

Really? I've never touched one. For real. That's the most coveted thing in Australian sport. If you get that hat, that ugly fucking hat, oh, you're living the life. Now maybe if you're blue half a million on eBay, you might be able to pick one up.

Right, but it wouldn't be cheap. Baggy green. I'll get you one for your birthday one, yeah. All right, I'm going to Australia Friday. I'll be, I'll go grab a baggy green. I'll tell me, Dad, where are you, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, tour, we're doing like 5,000 seeders and stuff like that. And I said to my dad, I said, how about I come by the bowl low? Right?

And I'll do a gig down there because all of these old mates, they're all in their 80s and 90s and all that sort of stuff, they're not going to come at this show. But dad wanted to show off a bit of whatever. And so I said, I'll tell you what, I'll go down to the bowling club, I'll do a gig, and I'll give all the money to the bowling club. And it's only 130 people people get into this room. So it's all that in minutes like it was easy. So I go down there, I'm giving the bowling club all the money. It's lawn bowls, right? They place it every day. They all have to wear white suits.

Oh, men have to wear white suits or white jumpers to go around on a white hat to socialize with their friends every day. Oh wow. Right. So my dad has a uniform to go seize mates. I like that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It sets aside the the poor from my dad has a uniform to go see his mates. I like that, right? Yeah, good. It sets aside the poor from the rich. Yeah. We're all the same, we're in a fit. Right, so he goes there and pulls.

And then this old bloke comes up to me. So, so there's a little 20 stage where they have the raffle. Yeah, bingo. We would have been happening up there on the raffle, right? And in the side of the stage is a doorway with a closet that would be five foot by five foot, little tiny room, very like closet, right? Where they keep the mobs and the buckets and all that type of shit, right?

And so the people who ran it, they thought, oh, we need to give him a dressing room because he doesn't want the people to go, oh, I didn't give a fuck. There was people I went to school with, this is the suburb I grew up in, right? And so they cleared out the mobs and the buckets, and then they had the same rider as I get for my other gigs, my management set it through. So there was a fucking meat platter, meat and cheese platter for the other acts and stuff like that. And I like a sugar free red bull if I'm a bit sleepy, it hurt me out like this. So I'm not going to sit in the fucking closet.

The show's not for two hours, right? I'm not gonna sit in the fucking closet. So I go out and I socialize with all the old blokes and my dad's mates and see some guys who went to high school with this. This 90-year-old bloke who's the main man at the bloody club, he's a chief of the club, right, the board member, comes up to me and goes, now you listen here. And by the way, I'm about to donate 10 grand

to their place, right? You guys, now you listen to here. We went to a lot of trouble to clear out that room for you and you haven't fucking used it, right? I had to bring red bulls in. I went to the shops myself. We don't sell them here. I had to get you ready.

And no one's touched the fucking meat platter. Right. And he walked away. And I was like a little kid. I was like, oh, I'm sorry, sir. Yeah, I'll get it right. I turned to me for an aimless. It was opening for me. I'm like, aimless,, I'll get around. Yeah, yeah. I turned to me friend Amos who was opening for me. I'm like, I amos We got to go in there and drink Red Bull and eat meat platters and black man because this guy they're gonna fucking go us Oh, that fucking hilarious Right, well, you've been trying in this podcast for a while. No, no, no, I gotta go fucking

I think I gotta go to Jimmy Kimmel and I said say COVID. What are you, you're panelling? No, no, no. You're not doing stand up. No, no, no. So, you're a guest. No, no, no, no, I'm doing, it's not, we're not gonna shoot it for like another month, but I'm doing, I were doing a segment me and Gatamon.

I think it's Gatamon. He's a coach at my kids' little league. No, for real? Not my kids' team, but he's on the thing. Yeah, he doesn't look as bewildered. Oh yeah. He's like, he's a sound mind on the TV show. He's always like this.

Ah. I mean, like that. He's on the sidelines. Like, is that I turn the table over there now? You get back like he's like an eloquent man. Yeah, no, we're doing a segment together. We're doing a sketch together. Yeah.

And I think it's to promote the movie. So I don't know what it is. And I'm a little like I haven't done anything networked television in fucking years. Well, the kind of it sort of stopped that for me. I did panel for like being a guest on the show. I always enjoy who's the other guest. Oh yeah. And I always get like, I never get like sort of brash men because

they want to offset me. Yeah. Right. So I always get like, there's always like really attractive women of the other guests, right? Like really like. So once I'm ahead like Margot Robbie was the other guest, right? And so Australian, right? She's Australian. So I have an in. Yeah. Australian Australian Australian. I met a couple of times, we've got something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm staying, and maybe she's seen me. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior.

She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior.

She's a straight-up senior. She's a straight-up senior. All right. So I'm like, I'm like standing in my doorway. Herdresser gives up the thing just acting like I'm looking for someone. Just the hope that she'll walk by. Just walking past her door back and forth. Or go. Or go cater. I'm listening to a podcast, right? But that's the thing as well. You think that you meet these other guests,

they do this, but they're in a car and gone by the time you're on. I never, I never meet the other person. But yeah, yeah, there's, it was on there. It was me and my, I go, oh, there's a picture of me and my wife in the center there, at the once upon a time in Hollywood, premier. That's where we had the tickets.

You look good in a suit, Jim. I was 20 pounds lighter there. I've just come off to it. I'm going to get another 10 pounds in Europe. I have a TV weight that I always hit. What is it? It's 200. It's me TV.

I know. I'm 215. Oh my God, you don't look 215. Yeah, I'm 215. I'm 215. Yeah, but I'm on test off. You got testers. You got my look at All right, I want to tell you what a joy is being I'm being serious and I've said this before I've said it forever. I've been a fan of yours way longer than I've known you. And it's cool that we're friends.

And I appreciate it. I feel honored, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. Boom. Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt?

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. There's what we call, screwdriver's one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, patology, dirty jokes, ranchie humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, screwdriver's one cave.

you