2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Most Delusional Man In Comedy | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

SPONSORS: Head to https://BlueChew.com and buy two months of BlueChew Gold you get the third FREE with promo code BEARS. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 6/1/2025. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. Get 10% off your first month. Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to explore your payment options. Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays 00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon 00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge 00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate 00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef 00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side 00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?" 00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender 00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe 00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger 01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave Let's see that fucking head of hair Tommy

Let's see it I'm dying to see this thing I love it I love it So it's obvious You've been celibate Since a separation Yeah

Yeah With that fucking And the beard too There are so many people That were like Chinstrap This is what you're going for

Post-the-Worse I love it And I was like, I think we said I'm doing a movie on the last one. Okay. Yeah, I'm still doing the movie. People actually, I was in the comments. I wasn't in the comments. I have someone read the comments.

I just, just the positive ones. And they were like Tom's, I like Tom's facial hair. It looks good. I like bold choices. It's jet black in the movie, too. I saw the picture of John Stamos sent out. He said, I'm just putting this out there, and then we'll change subjects immediately. Okay.

Giving off Hangover vibes. Is that what he said? That's what he said. It's a fun movie, dude. Yeah. It's really fun. John's great. Don't talk about it ever again.

We'll never talk about it ever again. We'll talk about it when it comes out. We'll talk about it when it comes out. Okay. Don't want to spoil it. Where are you right now? I am in Cleveland, Ohio. Rocket Center.

Mortgage Arena. Rocket, you know what I am. Yeah, those names are so inspiring, man, that the arenas go with now. It's crazy. It used to be like Leia Coker Field. Now it's like FedEx Field and you're like, Jesus Christ. I like I liked like Three River Stadium, you know?

Yeah. The big sombrero in Tampa. How long have you been back on tour? I'm on tour for the next. I'm gone for a straight month. And then I stay out most of November, most of December. And then I got a crazy tour. I'm announcing I don't know when I'm going to do it,

I have a crazy tour idea that I'm doing. You told me about it. Yeah, yeah. That is going to be fucking insane. And then I'm going to shoot a movie and then go back out on tour and get ready to shoot this special. Hey, you just announced a tour. Congratulations. I did.

I announced a tour. Platypus? What's it called? Proposterous? Preposterous. I'm sorry. I didn't have my readers on. It's the same thing, by the way.

This is nothing new. Every time you announce the leg of a tour, people are like, how come you're not coming to this city? And you're like, I am. It's just not yet. So I'm sure you're in the middle of that right now. I wonder when this lighting is going to change because I'm sure everyone's getting a stroke, having fucking epilepsy in the back.

That is crazy. Hey, Kyle, can you get them to fix the lighting so it's not fucking thunderstorms? It looks nuts. It looks insane. So wait, what were you going to say about your tour? No, no, it's just that the first leg is up. So right now I've announced January through May

and then sometime in the spring, I'll announce the second leg and so on and so forth. So it'll go on for a couple years, as they always do. Yeah, they go on forever. Do you remember when we were kids and you didn't have a tour? Yeah. I miss it a little bit. Yeah.

How am I going to keep doing this, man? I'm having weird depression with this, with touring, because it's changed. It's changed so much. And, like, it's, I'm not saying like it's a job, but, like, man, my first theater tour, I was so excited. My first arena tour, I was so excited. And now I'm just like, I'm still excited for the material and stuff. But I miss the, I miss the, like, the newness of it, you know? Yeah.

Well, you've been doing it a long time, dude. Yeah. You were doing a long time. How many shows are you doing a week right now? I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then I fly to Dallas Monday. I fly to London on another Monday. I'm doing the New York Food and Wine Festival.

and I'm kind of packed with my schedule, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then fly in to do the show Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It's like old school when we used to do Two Bears in Austin. Yeah, yeah, but I mean, are you doing shows in London or a festival? I'm going to the NFL game. It's kind of complicated, but I have a thing that I'm going over for that. To promote?

No. It's a long story. Okay. Yeah, but I'm going to the NFL game in London. I'm kind of excited. that should be fun who's playing uh jacksville jaguars and the texans have you seen did you see the ravens game that came down to a field goal

i saw bits and pieces of it what's crazy to me tom is that i like that we're i like that we're broadening out with like the NFL going to different countries i like that i kind of hope that team we get a london team you know we got an australia team that would be a fucking nightmare but like a mexico city team or at least send the raiders to mexican city. You have to.

But I, send them home. Part of me says like, I kind of, it's kind of weird watching a game that comes down to the end of the line where it's decided by a field goal and no one in this audience is invested. No one in the stands? No one cheered. They didn't?

No, they just were like, all right. It's time to get a point. I thought they were crazy. They didn't go crazy? No, it was just like. Oh, all right. Was that the Aussie one or the Brazil? I thought that was in Brazil.

It was the one that just was... Kyle, where did the Ravens play? It was in Brazil, and they were like, all right. Footy. They got a footy. They had a bunch of Aussies there. Man, you don't know geography. It's amazing.

Brazil. Brazil. Brazil. Brazil. Yeah, I think that game was in Rio. Was it? They were so excited about the field goal. They were like, finally. Finally, he's using his foot. Yeah. Finally we get it, dude.

Finally. They've been using their hands. What the fuck is wrong with these animals? Everyone hates that we call it football outside of our country. They hate it. It's kind of crazy when you think of the, there's only like two places in the world that still use the metric system the way we do. And I think it's like, it's like fucking Sierra Leone and us. That don't use the metric system?

The only people that use the metric system. us. Is us and like Sierra Leone? What is the other place? Cameroon? What does that say? Can you see that? It says only the United States, Liberia, and Myanmar are widely cited as the primary countries that have not adopted the metric system. Yeah. By the way, two places that are pretty prone for a revolution. Well, three. Yeah. I think we're on our way to one, so it kind of makes sense. Liberia is a great place to vacation, I think. Really? I'm joking.

Okay. And what, Myanmar? Miramar had, I think they had like an ethnic cleansing. Dude, we are due for it. It's about to happen here. You think so? Don't you feel like things are tipping in this country? I don't know.

I don't, I don't see. Does the road feel normal? The road feels normal to me. Really? Yeah? I mean sense anything different I don't

but I don't talk about politics crowds are the same what's that crowds are the same yeah I mean they look like me

they take their shirts off with me okay yeah I mean I don't I catch I caught I catch some snares

and like what flares what is it called when flares what's it called when you get hit by strap mill

uh strays I catch some strays every now and then like some comic I don't know some comic was like what I was just literally on threads because I clicked on the link to see something about John Stewart and then the first comics was like would Burke Kreischer please put his fucking shirt back on and I was like I don't need that in my life I was like that was the first comment it's a first fucking thing and I was like Jesus Christ I was like fuck you I didn't know the guy some comic I wish I could give him a shout out it's the best but so I catch I catch some uh strays here and there and I see strays like okay I Like I'm trying to get what you're going at.

Like they're attacking Pete Davidson for something I couldn't really wrap my head around. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you explain that to me? I guess he did an interview where he was talking about influencers. That's really what I got. And he was like, they get paid all this money to just fucking essentially do nothing. And I guess a lot of people got mad at that. I don't know.

I don't get mad about a lot. just kind of let people do their thing, don't care. Yeah, that would have never, I would have never jumped on my radar. Also, I mean, not to, I mean, I'm sure I'll get in trouble for, does that Pete Davidson? Yeah, but that's a, I think, an old photo. Wow.

That's what his hair looks like when he grows it out? It's a nice mop. He's got blue eyes. Are you sure that's not AI? I'm growing it out, Bert. I think you should and put it in a ponytail. I got this start, yeah. There was a link I sent to Annie or to Zolo about how today's stars at 35 look so much younger than yesterday's stars at 35.

And you're quite the opposite. You look so much like a throwback, like a Kelsey Graham or a Brian Denahey because you look old as shit at, what are you, 49? 47. 47, you look like 59. You look like you could be in cocoon. Like, look at this. This is Betty Davis at 55, 57, and that's Dua Lipa, or not Dula Lipa, Jennifer Lopez. Yep.

Look at that. Yeah. Look at that. Debbie Reynolds at 59. Nicole Kidman at 50. I mean, it's not even, they don't even look like the same fucking creature. How do you think you, do you think you look your age? Buddy, I look incredible.

I look phenomenal. You've heard that from someone? What's that? You've actually heard another person say that. Everyone says, everyone always says to me, your 55. Holy shit, how old is Tom? And I go, he's like 49. And they're like, he looks so much older.

He's, I thought he was 65. Look at this. Betty Davis at 37. Emma Stone. That's the same age. Same age, I know. It's mind-blowing. And you're the only one where, like, go to Brian Dennyhy, keep scrolling, find a guy in here.

Look at that. Yeah. Brian Denny at 43. And you actually look your. look your age. Like you don't look anything like Henry Cavill. I think I do look a lot like him actually. I think in the face we look a lot of like. We do. I mean we don't have the same hair but other than that it's pretty much a match. Find, find, find the cast of cocoon, okay?

Cast the cocoon? Find the cast of cocoon. Look at Wilford Brimley in cocoon. Find them in cocoon. They're all like, they're like 47 years old. They're like 41. I know. and you look like you could have been in cocoon. I like how you separate yourself. Dude, I look incredible. This is all your delusion. You always thought you looked incredible. There's never been a time where you don't think you look incredible.

And you're the only one who says that. There's no one who's repeating what you're saying. Not one person. This is so you. You can play this part tomorrow. Buddy, you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound bag. I don't know what you're talking about. Julian, or that's him in the movie.

I'm sorry. That's yeah. I love that you're separating yourself as if, like, you're a vision of health. You look like Wilford Brimley. You're a bloated carcass. You look like Wilfrid. What are you talking about? Oh, my God.

You don't look good, Bert. There's no one who looks at you. Pull up Robert Redford at 55 and I'll see what I look like. Bro. Robert Redford at 55. this is me. You look at someone at the, like they're at their end of their life. God damn it.

I thought I was, I swear to God, I thought that was me. You did, I know. Dude, look at my forearms. But people look at you and they think of hospice care. Like, they don't look at you and go, that guy looks good. Look at this. They look at you and they go, this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. I know you're darkening your stuff there.

That's helping that, that's helping guy. Look at this body. Are you fucking serious? And then if I push it out really hard. Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you. I've had some times. where I don't look good. Okay. Okay, let's stop scroll on me. You do. Stop scroll on me.

You can go back to door. No, no, no, no, we're good. We're good. Go down, down, down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa. That one, hit that one. That one's good. I've had some moments. That's me at 275. Yeah. I fluctuate. Yeah. I still look good. I still look good. Look at that full head of hair. Santa.

Dark beard. Man fucking barrel tested like an athlete Uh-huh Holy shit man Fucking that guy benched 325 pounds Isn't that crazy? If you showed most people this photo There's no way they would think he's alive

There's no way they'd be like That guy's still alive If you're like that was a year ago And then was that his memorial service No one thinks that guy's alive Do you know there's people fatter? A handful But not a lot

Not a handful But yeah, they're also all dead. You are delusional. I'm delusional. You should, wait, it's because you've had your hair died too long in this movie. You got to check out, like, go to, go to Tom's, when you, oh, look at that guy. Yeah. Yeah, man.

Fucking jacked. I'm so jacked right now. Right now? Dude. I mean, I just ran a mile in one. two in we did a mile in seven minutes and 30 seconds look at that fucking guy yeah yeah i mean i got i've got like what it's i think what i have is like range range in appearance like i can go i'm like mark walberg i can be like the big barrel chested bouncer like guido guy

and then I can go skinny waif, like Henry Cavill model superhero. No one's ever, ever. You are the most delusional person in stand-up, though. You know that, right? I'm not. You're the most delusional. Well, first of all, let's, okay, let's preface this.

All comedians need to be a little delusional to believe they can do it, correct? Yes, you take it to a whole other level. I may take it further than, say, uh, fucking, uh, Chris DiStefano, right? Uh-huh. But I'm trying to think of someone who's pretty delusional, but... Wait, you think there's a stand-up more delusional than you?

Oh, yeah. About what? You're delusional about everything. No. I'm very based in reality. I'm very based in reality. Brody. As your friend, who cares a lot about you, I've never seen somebody more delusional.

Look at you. And you're delusional about... Look at you. In this picture, that's Kurt Metzger. Oh, my God. Kurt Metzger looks younger. How old is Kurt Metzger? He's older.

Is he really? Yeah, I think so. He looks good compared to you. He's 49? Yeah. Yeah. Young Kurt Metzger. Are you still smoking cigarettes?

No. What's your health regiment look like? Are you still drinking a half a gallon of vodka a day? No, I don't, Tom. I don't. You said you're back to drinking? I'm very measured. I was just telling any.

I can have a drink or two, but that's it that's it that's all I drink really one or two maybe if I have two I have to go to bed so two's your max I'm pretty much pretty much yeah I know as a matter of fact I just talked about in therapy I'm gonna stop telling to people hey did you notice how little I drank because I don't need to say that anymore I've already proved it to myself because you've been saying it a lot I've been saying it a lot anytime I like I go the the day. I did a podcast and the part lady doing the podcast. It was her podcast. She was like, would you like a glass of whiskey? I've always wanted to be a guy who could have a glass of whiskey

in the middle of the afternoon and not have another one, but I've never been that guy. I said, y'all have a glass of whiskey. It was a nice Asian whiskey, a Japanese whiskey, and I had a glass, and that was it. I went home, I got on the treadmill, and I ran, and then I went to bed. I got some recovery. Yeah, that's normal. Yeah, I know. I'm now a normal drinker. But I mean, most people don't point that out they just do i know i know that and i brought that up in therapy yeah there's a lot of working on did you notice how i had one drink yeah no one says that no one says that i know but i know that but i'm working on that's i just said i'm going to stop doing that because normal people don't do that and i do that all the time blue two two bears one cave podcast with burkechristor and tom sagura

you know what else blue two should sponsor that look your girl gives you when she's ready for another and that text she sends to your neighbors saying, oh my God, I'm sorry for the noise last night. We were watching a scary movie that kept scaring me and scaring me. And it scared me so bad that the dog started barking. The official Bluetooth, the official sponsor of your downstairs neighbors banging on the ceiling going, shut the fuck up. That's right.

Blue 2 is making the bedroom noisy again with four powerful ingredients, two for blood flow and two for arousal. enter into a new era of stress-free sex with the number one brand for better sex. No in-person doctor visits, no waiting in waiting rooms, just a simple online process. And bam, you'll be blowing bedposts out like never before. Experience it yourself at Bluetooth.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Right now, when you buy two months of Bluetooth gold, you get the third month free with promo code bears.

That's promo code bears. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit blu-chew.com for more details and important safety information. And we'd like to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. I don't know if you're seeing it the way I am, but online, I feel like people are losing people left and right. And in my private life feels like losses everywhere. If you don't have life insurance, you're screwing up big time, especially if you're a dude and you're 30 years old and you're starting a family. I'm just telling you my path.

I didn't have it. My dad convinced me to get it. I'm so glad I got it. Listen to me right now. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy and is 100% online. You can get a quote in seconds, apply a minutes, and get same-day coverage. There is no medical exam. You just answer a few simple health questions and you get up to $3 million in coverage.

Some policies are as low as $30 a month. And you'll get your lowest rate from their network of trusted carriers. Take 10 minutes, 10 minutes to get covered today. With life insurance through ethos, get your free quote at ethos.com slash bears. That's eth-h-h-os.com slash bears. Application times may vary, rates may vary. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner BetterHelp,

insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average co-pay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Your mental health does not know. It's World Mental Health Day. Stress does not politely wait until October 10th. Burnout does not RSVP. And your brain definitely does not check the calendar before deciding it's going to spiral at 1147 p.m.

Mental health is a part of regular life. Buddy, if you've heard me speak in the last month, you know my mental health is, teetering. I've talked about it on stage. I've talked it on podcasts. And I just want to share that my business partner's mental health is doing great. He's doing great. But that's not because he doesn't have a therapist. Therapy isn't just for big life choices. It can be a place to talk through smaller things. And they're not little things. Don't just blow them off. They all add up and they all build up. And talking in therapy can help. If you've been waiting to start therapy, BetterHelp works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average

co-pay of just $23 per session with insurance. Don't have insurance or don't live in the United States. Well, you can still get 10% off your first month. Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to explore your payment options. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash bears. Do you think people look at you and they go goals? Goals, man. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I think there is a tremendous amount of people that look at me and go, that seems fun. That seems fun. Yeah. I would love to have that life. Well, yeah, that's, but now you're broadening it to something else.

What's goals? What's goals? They just look at you and they go, I want to look like that. I think people look at my body right now and they go, God damn. Like, can I tell you this thing everyone says? God damn. They go, God damn. Like last night I made a joke because I was like, you know, I got to, I mean, I look so good that when I

get on stage, I have to address it because people are, they're confused. They're like, who, like, what's happening? Yeah. And so I said last night, I lost 50 pounds, but I'm still fat. And someone's like, not at all. You look amazing, Bert. You look so good. And I was like, hey, stop.

He's like, no, your shoulders are superior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I wore a shirt on stage, I think it would be distracting. Distracting? Because I look in clothes, I look incredible. I mean you're wearing clothes now I just have fucking sloppy hoodie I'm about to go to the gym

I just ran a mile did 100 push-ups great man what you're working out looks like these days is it those burt push-ups wow you're firing hot today huh

I mean those are just like you're like watch me do push-ups watch me do pull-ups I do those are cool man zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero I'd like to see what your workaround is for this mile. I ran it in the arena.

What year is this? Oh, yeah. 40 pushups is the lung. Here we go. One, two, full range, three, four, full range. Full range. Full range. Yeah, look at that.

Look at that. Yeah. Those are full range. Five, because it was six. Guys, so funny, I can bang out 50 now. So easy. All the way, birth. Nine.

40, that's crazy. That was in Alaska. I remember those push-ups. Wait, was that back in the 100-a-day thing? That was when we were doing 100 a day. Yeah. That's pretty cool. We need a challenge, Tom.

We need to bring a challenge back into our lives. It's October right now. Do you want to just do the rest of the month sober? Yeah, done. Easy. I could do it. easy. Yeah. Do you think so? Total sobriety? No, I can't do that. I'm going to fucking London. What does that mean? Who could what? Who could do the most push-ups by

November? That would be me. I'm physically, I'm, and I'm superior to Tom in every way. Like, physically. He can't do even five good push-ups, but yeah. Tom. Tom. You can't do five good push-ups. Tom, you have what they call OZampic body. Like your muscles deteriorated. I'm a Manjaro guy, buddy. I'm not on the JLP ones. My muscle is still there. I benched 265 for

four rounds of three the other day. I'm so fucking strong. It's crazy. Those numbers keep going down, but you're on GARPs. They are going down. Yeah. I'm not on them. What do you, what's your workout look like? A little bit of the elliptical for 50s? 15?

No. What does your workout look like? In the gym? Oh, you go to, where do you do it in your hotel room? I have a fucking personal gym. What are you talking about? Okay, so what's your workout look like? Dude, I don't think you could, I've done a workout with you where you were like, we do circuits,

and then you're like, press pause on that timer, hold on a second. You don't even stick to it. I don't think you could do any of the workouts. You do Burt style workouts. You're like, these. circuits are hard man hold on hey press pause on that i gotta catch my breath i'm like yeah that's part of the the circuit right bullshit dude i did it with you i was like oh this is how he does it that's cool press pause hey kyle hit pause on that fuck man this hard i'm like okay so you don't do it

on the clock all right fucking strength wise i've got you cardiovascular i've got you stuff for pushups you can't do pushups what's that do pushups you can't do pushups so you wouldn't do the push up thing easy you can't do you can't do push up thing easy you can't do a single full range push-up. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do today. I'm gonna go to the gym right after this. I'm gonna put on a pair of jeans because I like working out in arenas in jeans,

like RFK Jr. Jesus. And I'm gonna do the bench press push-up challenge. The bench press push-up challenge. So you do 135 one time. Okay. And then one push-up. Then 135, two times, then two push-ups.

And I'm gonna see how far I can get. Okay. And then you see how far you can get. We'll see who wins. I'm down. Okay. Okay. I'll text you my number so you have a goal of what you're aiming for.

Well, I know that you'll text me a number. It'd be cool if you actually could do the execution of what you're proposing well. I'm going to film it. I'll film it. I'll post it on Instagram. This comes out Monday. I'm posting it Monday afternoon. And then we'll have people weigh in on whose form applies, yeah?

Oh, without a doubt. Do you want to do, I'll do hand-release push-ups. Okay. I think you should do it, if you want to do it, you should do it when I get back to Austin. Oh, you want to give yourself some time to warm up? Oh, you want to do it together? No, I meant that, like, I have to be go to the gym, my gym, you know? Right, like I'm here.

I'm not going to be able to do it on Monday because I'm shooting. I know, but we're going to lose interest if I don't post it on money. I'll post it on Monday, and then you can, I'll tell you what, I'll give you time to work up to it. Work up to, got it. Because you know that my number is going to be insurmountable to you. What do you think it's going to be? I think I mean, I think I can get to seven. Okay.

They say, they say 10's really hard. For the one rep and then a pushup that matches it? Yeah, and then two reps, two pushups, three reps, three pushups. Okay. I'm excited. I'm going to do that. And now I got something to look forward to. I need goals in life.

I don't have fucking goals in life. I love it. I have nothing to fucking love. I think that's what, like, I was trying to say, like, the thing about touring is I feel like I've, I feel like I've, you know, when you do theaters, when you do clubs, you look at like, then I can do theaters. When you do theaters, you go, maybe I'll do arenas. And then once you do arenas, you're like, I guess I can keep doing arenas or maybe

I kind of, theaters are pretty fun. Like, like, and then I, and then the other day I was like, I wouldn't mind doing a club run would be even like real fun but I kind of want to do it I can't do it like I want to do it with my tour bus I don't want to leave my tour bus so bring your bus what's the problem I think it's too expensive to do clubs with a tour bus you don't need it you don't have to do it for a year I know just do it for a little bit of time it's fun yeah I just did clubs it was super fun I know you were telling me about it you did D.C I did D.C I did D.C I did Oxnard I did Minneapolis I did Acme I did Baltimore McGubies it was so fun it was great and then I go into

theaters and casinos for this next run and then from there I go I do arenas I think later in the year nice yeah do you see Zach Bryant Zach Bryant wore the free Palestine shirt in Robert Kraft Stadium he did yeah how'd that go it it fucking I mean it was it was all over the internet you know I got to tell you man that fucking guy he really does I like I kind of really respect how he just fucking stares controversy down and goes after it on everything like everything i fucking really admire that his audience i can give a fuck about that did they i don't i don't think so i don't think his audience is a country audience i think they're they're like music fans really i think i think he does like country music i think he does like he's more like bruce springsteen what how did

people like what if you go to the news yeah Can you make it bigger? Oh yeah, because they barred McElmore? Yeah. I love that we have these pop-ups. Sorry, I'm doing this from home. Don't worry about it. Oh, you are?

Okay, sorry. Hey, Annie, can I ask you a question while we're doing this? And Tom, I want your answer. And I think we should use this as a clip and get people to answer in the comments. What's more racist? Having said the N-word. in life or having never said it in public but screamed it in a pillow in your bedroom? How did you use it?

I need context of how you used it in public. Not in public, just like singing it in a song. In a song? Yeah, like, you know, like, and then say you're the other person who goes, I've never said it. And that one person's like, you've never said the word ever? And they're like, no, but I've screamed it in my pillow in my bedroom. And they screamed it in their pillow just for funzies. Just to do it because they wanted to see what it felt like.

Yeah, like I don't know they lost a bat or something. Yeah, I'd say the second one because there's some deep root. You need to get rid of that, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, I thought screaming it in a pillow sounds really fucking racist. I'm sorry, are you insinuating that somebody on your team has done this? No, no, no, no.

I'm not looking at anyone personally. Oh, neat. Wait, which category do you fall into, Bert? I'm a little confused. Both. Oh, you're both? Well, now that I know we can scream it in our pillow, I didn't know that's an option.

I've never heard that before that someone's like, I scream it into my pillow at night. Two people, two people on my tour bus had screamed it in their pillows. What? Yeah. They had never said it in their life. They've never said it.

And they're like, no, I've never said it, never said it. And I was like, you've never said the N-word? And they're like, never said it. And I go, not like, I'm not saying use it, like, yelling out of a car window. after you lost a football game. Yeah. But like you've never said it or sang it or, and they're like, no, never.

And then one person was like, I mean, I've screamed it in my pillow in my bedroom. And then the other person goes, well, yeah, I've done that. And then I was like, wait, that's worse. That's so insane. That's so crazy. So crazy. That's so crazy. That should be a viral trend on TikTok.

Wait, it's not a comic then, right? It's, no, it's no comics. It's just people on my own. tour bus wow and i was like lean just let it out come on leon i can't say exactly who it was it did it but it was not comics and uh and let's just leave it at that i just thought that was weird and they're like well you know you're kid and you want to you want to say it but you don't want to say it because you're scared yeah and i was like no when was your first time how old were you screaming in a pillow it was last night. No, I mean, just in life. It's Florida. So what, seven, eight? No, I'm not going to, I'm not

answering this question. I don't trust the internet anymore. Oh, really? Yeah, I used to be very honest with the internet and then I saw that sometimes it backflash is on you. That's cool. I'm going to start keeping secrets. I'm doing a new thing in therapy called Goodwill listening. What's that? It's when I listen, but I don't want to. So, that's basically like a conversation? No, it's different. So imagine if you're going through a bunch of shit, right? Mm-hmm.

And someone wants to talk to you about some shit. By the way, we're going to go back to the Zach Bryan stuff. And, but you're going through some stuff. Like, for me, it's anxiety. Like, right? I got anxiety and then I'm dealing with that. And that's all I see, like, right around here. And then say, Leanne goes, my dad,

Asaphib came back and I'm like, I don't want to talk about it. I don't really care about it. But then I force myself to listen and then force myself to ask questions, even though I'm like really kind of in my own way about it. And then that turns into active listening. That turns into being a better listener because if you practice it enough, then you'll go like, hey, how's your dad doing? And then she's like, well, thanks for asking.

As opposed to just always being in your head, you know? Yeah. So I'm doing that. That's great, man. Yeah. That's great. Therapy's working out great lately. Who is? Therapy. Oh, good, man.

Go back to Zach Bryan. I'm curious what the backlash is, if there's any. I don't think there's any. I think everyone, they jumped on Ed Sheeran, right, Tom? Yeah, I think what happened was Ed Shearne was having McElmore open for him at Gillette Stadium. And McElmore had come out as a pro. So Palestine and then the stadium and Robert Kraft were like he's not welcome to play here and then people were like hey Ed Shearren like stand up for who your opener's going to be and he didn't so then they they got on him for that you can't I mean yeah that's I think that's the story I think that's the story I might be having part of this wrong in that case I'm sorry. So I think what happened was Zach Bryan went to play that stadium, Gillette Stadium, that Robert Kraft owns, and he wore that basically in protest of their trying to kick McElmore off or kicking him off.

Like he wore it like as a fuck you for that. Right? Yeah. That's, I think that's the story. Are you, do you wear Pro Pallas? Are you getting involved in that? Uh, no, I don't know anything that's going on over there. I just heard about, uh, just starting to hear about this right now.

Why, what's happening? Yeah. It's a lot to summarize, but you should pick a side today and wear it on stage. Really? Yeah, that'd be a fun shirt to rip off. Just pick one and you know what? I will open for you when you start your tour. Mm-hmm.

I'll open for you and then I'll wear a free Palestine shirt and then we'll get those shows canceled. and then you can you'll get in a lot of trouble but then i'll do my own tour where everyone like goes isn't that what happened with macklemore is he like was like well then fine i'll do a free palestine tour and then everyone's like fuck yeah did he i think so i mean i don't know i don't know i have no fucking clue the issue's getting hotter and hotter like it just keeps growing because net yahoo came for the u nashu last week and that that was a whole fucking thing it just keep stirring up. Well, let me check with chat. GBT. I'll see with Claude who I should support, and that'll be who I support. Here we go. Okay. Oh, yeah. Let's see what the...

Hey, Claude. Who should I support in the Palestine versus Israel beef? Okay. That's not something I'd pick a side on, Bert. It's the most contested conflict in the world, where people usually depend on how they weigh historically, human rights, international law. Now here are the supporters of Israel. Okay. They often emphasize that Jewish people have historical ties to the land. Israel need for safety after centuries of persecution and the Holocaust.

It's right for self-defense around groups like Hamas, especially since the attacks of October 7th. And it studies as a democracy in the region is very important to it. But supporters of Palestine often emphasize that they've been displaced since 1948, Nakaba and the military occupation of the West Bank, settlement expansions, block of the Gaza Strip, the massive civilian deaths tolls, humanitarian crisis, and Palestinians' rights of self-determinations. Many people don't pick a team at all. They support safety and dignity of both Israel and the Palestinian civilians, criticized specific actions by either group,

armed attacks, let's use the two states. I love that you're reading this and summarizing it, Like, I feel like I'm doing this with a toddler right now who's learning about this for the first time. That's really cool. Tom, I don't pick a team at all. I support both safety and dignity of the Israeli and the Palestinian civilians. Yeah. It's cool, man. Yeah.

I'm happy that you are feeling that way. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify is here to make it actually happen. And I'm here to tell you that the time to launch. is now before the holiday rush sets in, because it really is going to be here before you know it. With Shopify, you don't have to spend all your spare time learning how to be an e-commerce expert just so you can launch a site and start selling. From the store to checkout to analytics, Shopify houses everything you need to get your business up and running all in one place.

Shopify is the backbone of so many brands and businesses you know and love. like ours here at YMH. We've used it for years, and I can't tell you how easy it is to run a business and balance being on tour while Shopify has your back. Get that thing off the ground before the rush of Black Friday

and the holiday season hits. If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.com slash bears to start your free trial. That's Shopify.com slash bears. Go to Shopify.com. slash bears today, hear your first cha-ching. Let's talk about investing for a minute. If you're interested in making your money

work as hard as you do, it's time to give Acorns a try. It's the financial wellness app that actually cares about where your money is going tomorrow, not just where it's sitting today. Acorns is the app that allows you to invest, save, and track your money all in one place that you can trust. Listen, our very own Zolo, you know how he watches his dollars, and he's a big, big fan. Sign up now and join the over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. It takes about two minutes and could be the quickest $20 you'll ever earn. Head to Acorns.com slash bears. That's A-C-O-R-N-S.com slash bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Acorns.com slash bears, limited time offer, terms and

conditions apply. See Acorns.com slash terms. for details paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers' accounts, age, and investment settings does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio investment results will vary. Investing involves risk. Acorns Inviterers LLC SEC registered investment advisor. View important disclosures at Acorns.com slash bears. Did you ever get to the seatbelt extender size? No, never. Never. Neither then.

wait did you ever have one of course no shit for real dude I was yeah I was there's some of those seatbelts are fucking short okay it's not me it's the planes have short seatbelts 100% like if you go to the older planes

like the older like the the what is it the MD80s those seatbelts are short as fuck totally they're not melt for people They're made, it's like children's rides on Disneyland that they haven't updated. Look at that. So wait, did you ask or did they know? Like, did they just show up with it?

No, I had to ask because I was like, this is, I, I wasn't going to buckle it. I was like, fuck it, I'd rather die than ask fucking someone to, for a sepull extender. I've sat where they, like somebody big is next to me, and they don't even have to say a thing. The flight attendant was just like discreet. They were discreet. They were like, here you go. And they just like, thank you. And they knew what was up right away.

Holy shit. So wait, you did have to ask, though. Yeah. I was like, well, no, she came up. She goes, I need you to buckle that. And I was like, yeah, mine's not buckling. She was like, what's wrong with it? And I said, I have no idea.

Maybe it might be broken. She was like, let me see you. She was like, oh, let me get your seatbelt extender. I was like, big, dog, okay. And then she came back. And I was like, wow, that's so much looser. Thank you. Yeah, that feels good.

I was like, I barely did. Like a smaller seatbelt extender. I don't need this much. Did you, was this at your biggest? Is it my biggest? I just needed, like, two inches. An inch. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't need the extra foot they gave me. Yeah. Here you go. Here's 22 inches of extra cloth for you. And you're like, hmm. You can just make it just a titch bigger. That's hilarious, dude. Yeah.

That is really uncomfortable when you're that big flying. Because I'm not, I was never. I was never a loose fat. I was always a tight fat. So, like, I couldn't bend over. I couldn't touch my toes. I was really uncomfortable. But now that it's deflated some,

there is looseness, you said, right? There's a little looseness. Yeah. Are you going to do the procedure? No. To tighten it. No, I'm good. Why?

I'm perfect. I look great. I'm perfect. I look great. People are in awe when they see me. I think most people, when we just, When I was doing laps here, I was doing laps around the arena.

And they were like, you look good. How much weight have you lost? I was like 50 pounds. People are saying that, just yelling. They just said that. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, you look great.

And I was like, thank you. Kyle, can you get one of those ladies that just said how good I look to come over here and tell them? Alex, you know who we were talking to? I think we don't need to meet the person. I think that's... Just ask them if anyone who thinks I look attractive. They were all... But also ask if anyone doesn't and get them over there, too.

Could you do that? I don't think you're going to find anyone in this huge arena. By the way, they just put the curtains up on the top, Tom. Yeah. Look at this. Is that the same right now? Good, do I look, Tommy? Yeah.

Look at this. Yeah. What do you think people think people think people think people are astounded how my, how I rebounded? Look at that arm. Yeah. Yeah. Go to the one that shows you how agile I am. Do the other one.

There we go, that one. Look at this, Tom. Have you seen this? Look at that. I go stop right there. Look at this body. That's perfect. That is perfect. What is what is? Look at how agile I am. Oh come on in. Would you tell my friend how attractive I am? Come on in, please. Were you saying how I lost weight and I look great?

Will you tell my friend please? Come on in. He's this older gentleman right here. It looks like Wilford Brimley. Hello. Hello. Hi. Now go ahead and tell him, him you were like right yeah you're gonna believe us or what oh I believe you yeah he looks good yeah yeah tell him I turned down candy too oh yes we offered him candy chips he turned everything down he does the shot yeah she knows I does this I told her I did the shot yeah she goes how did you lose I said the shot she went that makes sense it's very nice to meet you how old would you think that man is like 45 do you need readers do you need readers man. I want to try that again.

He looks like he's 45. His hair's died. He died his hair. He's in late 50s. 47? 47? Bertrand. How old are you? Bertrand. Early 60s.

No way. I don't dye my hair, dude. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. Thank you. Early 60s. I've never used any dye.

You're not dying your hair right now? No. I thought it was dyed for the movie We dye the beard every day We put makeup in every day To for the beard, not my hair Why wouldn't you just dye the beard and get it over with? Because I don't want it to be permanently jet black

Do you remember when you dyed it for the Mark Wahlberg movie? Yeah Yeah That's fucking insane Yeah, it's jet black in this dude And they call me Jafar on set Because they also put all this bronzer on me Are you serious?

Yeah Yeah Hey I I really really Really regret Saying on this podcast that I don't brush my teeth Because I went into the most aggressive Oral surgery you've ever could imagine

What did they do to you Dude First of all has nothing to do with brushing my teeth So scroll Yeah Show my fucking mouth Ooh Dude

What'd they do It has nothing to do with the fact that you don't want to brush your teeth? No No, no. What does it have to do with? I had a surgery 30 years ago. Uh-huh. And it was archaic when they did it.

What they do is they cut your gums off. You see those stitches? Yeah. They cut a line there, and then they dig that out, and then they lift your gum up, so that it's revealing all the nerves in your teeth and all the bone. And then 30 years ago, they dug out the nerves, and then they filled it. And it had a 50-50 chance of success 30 years ago. And then like a year ago it started hurting.

And I was like, oh, fuck. And I didn't, I put it off and I put it off and I put it off. And then, Lee, don't rule. I don't want to see any of the comments. I can't, thank God, I don't have readers on. Yeah, why would you even post that? I didn't post it. I sent it to my fucking team at, uh, at fucking Bertie Boy, like going like, I just got out of surgery.

And then they're like, oh, my God. And then they posted both of those, me in the chair and then me and the thing. And I was like, Jesus Christ, guys. I didn't, Leanne was a part of it. I think Leanne was like, show him that he got the oral surgery. He's going to do shows. I'm gonna put that boy back on the track. He's gonna work.

But so they had to dig out my gums, cut my gums off, pull them back, and then dig out the old stuff, which, I mean, you can hear them going through bone and grinding bone. It was so aggressive. And then lay it back down and stitch it. and it's been it's still swollen my gums aren't totally healed yet they're still retracted a little bit but it's been a fucking now I'm brushing my teeth twice a day good for you man I know it's a big deal a lot of people don't ever get there that's really good I don't think twice a day sounds fucking like

overkill what's that when's that first one what's that first brushing when do you do that first one Around 1 o'clock in the afternoon. And number two is before bed? Yeah, right before bed I brush. Wild. You just got there at 53. You know, I didn't, I was brushing wrong, too. Like, I never did the circles.

I always thought that was ridiculous. I just did the, you know, like, eh, eh, eh. Really? And now because my gums are so fucked up, I have to do the circles to massage them down. Wow. Yeah.

Hey, did you see, is Ari Emanuel your agent? No. Is he at the same agency? Yes. Have you ever met him? No, I've never met him. His book came out. I'm dying to see it. I'm dying to read it. I saw excerpts. I'm going to read it for sure. It looks fucking awesome.

Do you think that people not in our industry will find it as interesting? No, I think you'd have to have some interest in entertainment to really be into it. but like people who are interested in just high-level achievers would probably also find that interesting, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But I think, yeah, if you're in entertainment, you have some interest in entertainment,

I think you find it more interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm really excited to see it. Mostly because of entourage. That's for some people, like, who don't know, he's the inspiration, but behind Jeremy Piven's character in entourage, yeah. But he's like, you know, he's a,

He's a big, big dog in entertainment, like crazy career. So this is a summary. And apparently he names a lot of names. Like he's very direct in the book talking about all types of people. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to read.

He's been doing the rounds. I guess he's represented by, I guess he's got to work with Barstool because he did all the barstool shows. He has his hands in a lot of shit, dude. He's been, man, he has been doing the rounds promoting this book. Is he? Yeah. And I kind of like it because so many times an agent's like, you got to get out there and promote.

And then to see him do the work is kind of cool. Yeah, that's awesome. That's awesome. Didn't he buy, didn't he buy, he bought UFC, right? He's part of that deal. Yeah. Because I've seen him at fights. I've been to fights and seen him there.

Ari E. Emmanuel. He supports Palestine. There's no fucking way he does. Oh, he does. He does? I saw him on John Stewart. He was saying, he got a lot of shit for it, too. He went to, like, a Jewish community senator or something and gave, like, a speech, and then type in our Emmanuel Palestine.

Oh. Criticizes McElmore. Oh, wait, maybe, never mind. Okay. I'm wrong. Yeah. Well, I was wrong about that. Such a Burt thing.

Yeah. No, I saw it. Oops. That's why I don't pick a side. That's fantastic, dude. Now, I want to read that book, though, for sure, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to read books instead of being on social media. Yeah.

But I only get inspired by, like, guys. I like, like I was reading a book about Lee Ayacocca. Yeah? Like, he's really fucking fascinating. I've been reading Quans Mills. Have you read any of that? No, what's that? Dude, interesting stuff.

You got to get some. Quons Mills in your life. It just like gives it to you straight up, you know, entertaining. Like this hose got roaches in her crib or like the old thought next door. Like, but they're fun reads. Can you follow some of his books? Quons. Quons Mills. Yeah, good. It's good, dude. Really? It's really fun. It's really fun. Yeah. There's Quons and Mills right there. If you go to his, um, yeah, scroll down. Oh, see that, that lady right there. the older lady. Yeah, hit that one. This is like an excerpt from the book. It's with your ass. Listen. Either you're going to give me some of that dick right now.

Oh, I'm going to call my grand, Kaby and let her know your raggedy broke ass been cheating on her with that bony, bald-headed floosy who stay next to y'all. You ought to be ashamed of yourself messing around with that nasty gutter snage. What in the fuck is you talking about? I ain't messing around with nobody but you. You're a motherfucking lie. I don't know what you're talking about. Boy, listen. I've been watching you.

I know you're giving your dick away to any and everybody. Okay. So the cool thing is, though, it's not just what you, like there's a real story here, okay? There's a real story here. And there is a kind of satisfying ending.

Like, I'm just getting to, let's see, my husband is sleep with my sister's husband. Wait, are these by the guy? Well, he's making, he's taking his books and turning them into micro dramas. If you go back to his page. Is that guy kissing a white guy? Are two guys kissing in the background? Yeah.

Yeah, man, I'm in Atlanta. If you scroll down, there's another good one that I wanted you to see that's from his. Oh, yeah. You see that old man. Go to the right, two to the right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just know that pussy good too I know that motherfucker's juicy

hot, tight and got a pull to it I'm fin to wear your ass out You're gonna have to pay me first Mr. Henry Bitch You ain't getting nothing till I'm done You understand? Well what's nice about this is

It's cool because when you read the books You're trying to imagine characters So I like that you have these As representations to continue reading the stories You know Wow they're good man and he he's an author Kwan's is yeah

and Kwan's the bold guy putting these into hold on this is real I thought you were fucking around no it's real these are real books yeah I just started well I'm kind of ripping my way through that that hose got roaches in her crib yeah that thought next door

international bestselling author international yeah I thought these would be more like territory specific I didn't think like people in Iceland would get it but yeah they're great dude we have some at ymage too i actually could get into this you should my baby daddy is a bed my my baby daddy is a bed bug he's also having one there's one where a guy i think swallows a chicken sandwich and he grows a

thoughts b he grows a b b l because of it and like it totally changed his life. It's really imaginative stuff, dude. I like this. There it is. The time I accidentally choked on a Popeye's biscuit and then his ass grew. It's crazy, man. He's wild. That's him? Yeah. I will be turning. That time I accidentally choked on a Popeye's biscuit and died and reincarnated as a power bottom pastor with a BBL, a Kwamele's Hood, Issykai, Ratchez Soap Opera Love Story into an anime. And I will be partnering. with another literary genius,

the one and only Mr. J.R. Chitlin's, the originator. I think this, you should take this as inspiration. By the way, I completely am. Because I feel like you could take, like, crazy bird ideas and turn them into, like, these kind of microdramas, too, you know? Like, you always told me that story about having dreams where, like, Elvis was butt-fucking you when you were puking into a Burger King Cup?

Yeah. Like, that should be fucking animated. I should animate my dreams. Yeah. See? I bet I could plug my dreams into AI and they could just generate them for me. It's a great use of it.

Great use of it. Wow. I could do, I could just plug my dream right into AI and then get it animated, then post them and then boom. Wake up in the morning, work's done. AI did my work for me. That's all we're talking about, man. Fucking nice.

That's all we're talking about. Yeah. How's that place selling tonight? That's good. Is it? Yeah. Where do you go next? I'm in Lima, Ohio tonight, or tomorrow night, and then I'm in, how you doing, sir?

And then I'm in Philly next week. I got two nights in Philly, and then I got two nights in Chicago. Where are you doing? Chicago Theater, and then I think the MET in Philly. The Mets awesome, yeah. Yeah. I love the Chicago Theater is the best. Chicago's theater is pretty fucking awesome.

I love that. But I love that mostly because you can run right down to the lake and then run the lake and then run back. That's one of my favorite jogs in the world. In Chicago? Yeah. Oh, God, I fucking love Chicago. Hey, what is this AI, is it AI Mexican Tom Instagram post? What is that?

AI Mexican Tom. That's what it says on this menu over here. What is that? That's just the photo that Stamos posted of you. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, let's pull that up and zoom in on Tom. I'm dying to see, I thought you'd be rocking that all the time. I think you should go and get your beard professionally dyed.

But you like chair and makeup. You love sitting in a chair for like two hours. Fuck no. It's the worst. What are you talking? No, I don't. Yeah, you do. You're that actor.

It's a nightmare. You love it. You love waking up at 4 in the morning and sitting with your coffee and talking with the girls. And they're like, what are we doing you today? And you're like, I need to be a fucking. I'm silent. I am Helen Keller silent Yeah

All right Zoom in on Tom please Perfect or not Thank you Give me one second Hmm Yeah man God look how small you are

I know How tall is John Stamos Is he 62? No But Tim right there On to my My right Your left is 65

Sinqua is 63 Yeah Santino's got to be in hog heaven He's probably hitting balls Even when in between takes You have no idea You have no idea I bet it's tough to get him to act

He's so Tim's also really into golf But yeah Andrew's A hundred percent I bet Tim's got a great fucking swing Tim does I've seen him play golf Yeah Tim's a good golfer

Andrew has a really really beautiful swing He's got a great swing Yeah he's a really good golfer plays a lot Yeah, that's all he does. Yeah. And he's played everywhere, man. Yeah.

And he knows everything about golf and he knows everything about golfers. He does. It's like encyclopedic. Yeah. Ginger's, man. They're just different, you know? It's crazy that he can get outside and be in the sun like that. Yeah, I thought he would be burning every day.

He's like, no, no, it's not bad. He wears sunblock, but it's not, I thought it would be way more sensitive. I think I'm more skin sensitive. Really? Yeah. Considering your people grew up a mile from the sun in Machupeju. It's crazy, but I didn't get those jeans. I got my dads.

My sister's got those jeans. For real? Yeah. Hey, so what's your plan tonight? Today's your day off? Dude, we shot until fucking four in the morning. I know. I'm just recovering, just resting, yeah.

What's your plan tonight? Nothing. You're just going to sit in your house? Yeah. I want to rest, man. We've been going so hard. God, you're fucking lame. What are you talking about?

This is why I'd never do a movie with you. This is when, tonight's the night you get loose. No. Go to the Hawthorne Lounge. Is it the Hawthorne Lounge? Where's the strip club? Oh, you should go to Magic City, Tom. I'm good.

I'm going to fucking rest. And then I'm going to rest more tomorrow, maybe see a movie. Are you going to see Digger? No. Why? I don't know what it is. What is it? Tom Cruise's new movie that's like all that everyone's talking about and now it's going to open soft.

But then it's like critics are shitting on it. But then some people are saying it's amazing and like, I don't know. I want to get my own opinion. Oh, I don't really know anything about it. I know that we've talked to, I talked about John. I talked about Tom Cruise on the guest bears I did last week with Rob Lowe. And it got on TMZ, which I thought was insane. What about him?

I just said he's he's got a crazy work ethic. He like, his gym time is like skinny as shit. And as soon as he gets done the gym, he like, someone's like, T.C.'s coming to the room. Have his food ready. And his food's ready. They're steaming the shower. Like, he's just dialed in. And literally it got picked up on TMZ, which I can't believe people didn't already know that. Yeah.

I mean, his eyes are wide shut to difficulties. His team cakes care of everything. Yeah, he's Tom Cruise. Who is that surprising to? I have no fucking idea. Yeah. But yeah, he's, he's dialed in. He is, I think that's cool.

Anytime I ever work with anyone that's ever worked with Tom Cruise, I'm kind of fascinated by him, you know? Yeah. Like, he's achieved it at such a crazy level. And I think he's the, in the handful of people that legit, uh, has, earns every bit of that $20 million. Like every movie he does, I love the movie. movie. So I'll go see Digger. I didn't know. I mean, I've seen the promos for it, but I didn't,

it seemed, I didn't know. It's not what you expect from him, obviously. You expect him to jump out of a plane and have, you know, fights and explosions. So it's a departure from that. But I think I'm intrigued to see it. I want to go see it. I'm kind of, if something doesn't land on the front page of Apple or Netflix, I kind of, it kind of goes past me these days. Yeah. That makes sense. It's kind of crazy, too, being someone who is in movies that I want you to go to theaters to go see it, obviously. I have a hard time getting off the couch. What was the last movie you saw in the movie theater? The last thing I saw in the movie theater was probably, oh, Odyssey.

Oh, yeah, Odyssey. Odyssey. I saw obsession in the theater, too. I didn't. I saw that on a phone. Yeah. I saw everything on a phone. fucking, I saw, uh, fucking, uh, uh, Oppenheimer on a phone.

Really? Yeah. Jesus. But it's like, everything's on a phone. So part of me goes, I want to say, don't spend $35 million making a movie because I'm just going to see it on my phone. Well, that's, I mean, you're talking about the whole controversy of, of this industry right now. Yeah.

I look at, like, when, I remember when I was doing, getting ready for one of my. specials like might have been lucky or or hey big boy might have been early on they were talking about this huge set design they were going to do on the stage and they showed me like john milanis set design and i was like that's beautiful and then i watch this special and you never saw the full stage you only see that little quarter and ali wong had a very kind of like normal set but her her upper third looked really pretty with her skin tones and i was like oh I like that. And so it's like when you do a special, everyone has this big set.

All you're going to see is this. So just make sure that this space right here is really good. By the way, shout out to Samarrel. His new special's out. And it's fucking awesome. Training in the top 10. And it's really great. He's so funny.

Have fun tonight. Like we said at the beginning, I've announced a tour. It's on sale right now. Tomsegare.com slash tour. This is the first leg of many legs. The tour is called preposterous. please get tickets is on sale now Bert's on tour

Permission to party Philly Chicago San Antonio Corpus Christi I'm gone all month and then I'm going to be in I'm going to be in Austin

in a couple weeks great and I'll see you there I hope so what we should do is we should do that challenge together we could do that yeah that be cool okay

cool Are you happy? Yeah. This has been fun, man. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Just checking it on you.

Thanks, man. Is Philman's going good? Yeah. You're happy? Yeah, it's good time. Okay. Have you made any good friends? I've made some friends, yeah.

Nice. It's always some new friends. You know, being on sets, like creating a new fam and so hard to say bye to them. But, yeah, we've had a good time. When do you rap? in another week oh yeah who's your favorite personal on set that you work with that isn't an actor that isn't an actor yeah like like i like manny like you're working with manny i love manny i think chad's probably doing your video village um manny's super fun really nice

you know latins they're always nice so i really like him i love my director nick thomas is great Corey's great. It's a really good crew, man. It's an awesome crew. Landon's great. There's just Tucker. Everyone's awesome. Are you getting rap gifts for anyone?

Have I gotten rap gifts for anyone? Yeah. No. You're going to get anything for your crew, for your staff? Um, I don't know. I did a coffee truck. Maybe I'll do another thing this week. Can I suggest?

Sure. 700 burgers from White Castle? That's what you did? That's what I did. And they made them very happy. Seven hundred burgers? Huh? Just 200 burgers from, just in the middle of the day,

200 burgers from McDonald's. They love it. That's what you did? That's what I did? I used to get burgers and I go to Zachsby's and get a ton of fucking chicken tenders. We'll do that too. Yeah. Are you happy on the road?

I am. I am very happy. I'm dealing with mental health stuff, but I'm doing therapy and I'm not drinking a bunch and I'm working out and I'm doing good shows. But yeah, I'm doing really good. You are? Yeah, I think I am. I'm very happy.

The girls are happy and that makes me happy. That's all that makes me happy these days. Georgia and Ila seem very, very, very happy. And Leanne is very happy. Are they with you? Are they with you? No. Leanne's with Isla right now. She was just with Georgia.

And Georgia's getting settled in her new apartment in her new city. And Ila is got a junior year of college. and Leanne's with her right now, and they're at cost plus getting a rug for Isla's room. I like, you know, Ila got her driver's license. She's now driving. First time? First time at 20 years old. Wow. So, and as long as they're happy, I'm happy.

And as long as you're happy, I'm happy, Tommy. Thanks, buddy. I'm glad you're happy, too. And I look forward to the bench press push-up challenge. All right. I love you. Have a great day. I love you, too. Have a going, man. Tom and Bert, one goes top of the swall the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call, two bears one cave.