2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Most Redacted Episode Ever | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

SPONSORS: - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Your emotional wellbeing matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Learn a new Language and get up to 60% off your subscription at https://Babbel.com/BEARS - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura cover everything from Bert’s sorta sober lifestyle, weight loss, sleep improvement, and 5K training to marriage non-negotiables, separate bedrooms, and life on tour. The Bears also react to internet beef between Quentin Tarantino and Rosanna Arquette, joke about the Epstein files, discuss "kept women", talk Trump and Mar-a-Lago, share a tense aborted plane landing story, and spiral into one of their darkest and funniest hypothetical conversations yet. If you missed this show, this one's for you. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 325 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:19 - Bert's Weight Loss Journey 00:07:14 - Tarantino Beef & Unbothered Rogan 00:18:31 - Chef Drama 00:22:51 - Non-Negotiables 00:33:05 - Kept Women, Money, and Wild Relationship Logic 00:39:57 - Bert Learns He's In The Epstein Files 00:43:47 - Trump & Mar-A-Lago 00:50:07 - Dahmer & Plane Crashes 00:54:59 - How Would You Prefer To Die 01:02:23 - What Language Would You Prefer To Be Killed By? 01:06:55 - Racist Thing A Black Guy Told Me 01:11:40 - Vince Vaughan On The Pod? 01:13:35 - Wrap up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027 Volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave for everybody that has not yet done it. We want to remind you that we are doing the Two Bears 5K May 9th at the Pass. Stadino Rose Bowl. Hopefully this comes out before May. I think this will come out in September.

Oh, cool. That is a good point. We should have it coming up before then. This is part of Netflix as a joke festival. Tons of comedians will be there. It's been so fun. This is our third in a row and our second time back at the Rose Bowl. It really is like so cool whether you're an avid runner or you're a beginner or you're a beginner

or you weigh four or 500 or 600 pounds. Whatever your condition is, you can walk it, you can crawl it, you can get spit on as you do it, you can get run over by a golf cart, you can run as fast as you want. We've almost done as many 5Ks as episodes this year. Yeah, it's awesome. And we're going to, it's going to be a wrap.

This is it. This is it, guys. No, I'm excited for the 5K. I'm really excited. Oh, and of course, hold on. You got to register at 2 Bears 5K.com. So if you want to do it, Two Bears 5K.com.

It's going to be big this year, and I am in the best shape I've ever been in. Ever? Ever? Ever? I've never felt lighter on my feet. Well, maybe because you're one of the lightest you've been in years? I'm the lightest I've been in, uh, oh, wow, in probably 22 years. What?

Yeah. Wait, how much do you weigh? I don't talk about weight now. I've changed my digital footprint, Tom. I don't show my workouts. I don't talk about weight. I don't post pictures of how fucking amazing I look. I just do the work, Tom.

Cool. How much do you weigh? I don't know. You know. I'm, let's just say two-twenties. You're in your two-twenties right now. Yeah. And you were 270?

275. So you've lost like over 50 pounds? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ, man. I've never felt lighter. on my feet in my entire life. And like the other day we were in Chicago, or no, in D.C.

And I got out of my bus. I was just staying there for two days. Yeah. And I ran five miles so effortlessly that I was like, I was like, this is crazy. Here's the other thing. I'm sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night.

10 to 12 hours a night. Dude, on the road, I'm sleeping aggressively. Like an eighth grader. Are you taking something to sleep? Nope. Tom, and I want to just preface this with, I am disgusted by sobriety talk. That's all that's in my feed. That's all that comes my way is some broken toy telling me how to live my life.

Some fucking ex-horror from Philly telling me how to fucking optimize my life and telling me about BPC 157 and test. You're so late to the fucking game. All of you fucking. That's not a very point Back when I was drinking You know what I used to do I bring a water bottle full of vodka And then if I didn't suck a guy's dick

Before the show started And you're like You're in a different page And I am okay stop doing these testimonials That's all I get My whole feet is sobriety talk And I'm exhausted But the only person I listen to

When it comes to sobriety Is Nick Swarton He seems to have He's the almost even killed motherfucker And by the way Him talking about his sobriety Is him and Shia LaBeouf Shia is

Shia was refreshing. When he talked about freedom and wanting to be able to put your foot in the mysticism every now and then. Dude, that interview with Shia was fucking incredible. Put a pin in Shia and Nick, okay? Because we'll get back to that. Yeah, sure.

So I don't like talking about like, so Brian and everything, everything, but I, you know, obviously with the blood clod, I can't drink. And then I haven't leaned into weed yet because I haven't really, I never really like, I didn't turn a corner on like the NGRAD

enjoying the sobriety until too late. Yeah. So I didn't want to go right into weed to like try to find happiness immediately. And I've been now for a couple months not doing anything. Dude, I sleep like crazy. I sleep. I sleep, close my eyes and wake up easy every night, 10 hours later. If I allow myself to go back to sleep, I sleep 12 hours.

My scores are in the green almost every night on my whoop. 12 hours. I'm never, I haven't been in sleep debt, Tom, in two months. I've been out of sleep debt. I've lowered my biological age by like or the age. This sounds like the most manic fucking rant that I've ever. Dude, dude, I have never felt- You need to check into a mental health facility. This is what sobriety does to people, Tom.

It makes them crazy. And they start believing their own fucking Kool-Aid they're drinking. So, so are you like fully sober then? I mean, nothing. Coffee, that's it. That's it. That's it. And you're your two-twenties and you're, you're 20s, and you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're a fully sober, then you're, you're run five miles effortlessly

effortlessly 10 to 12 hours a night it's crazy what time are you going to bed bro I went to bed at like 9 o'clock last night

and you slept till 9 I slept till 830 this morning Jesus Christ and Tom I don't move in bed I stopped snoring I don't snore anymore and Leanne and I have separate

bedrooms she's gone it's just me in the house we have separate bedrooms now because I kicked out of her bag so I was snoring and I sleep. I mean, I don't, I have amazing dreams. And I remember all my dreams when I wake up. I wake up, I have a cup of coffee, I journal.

I go into the gym, I work out, I come. I mean, it's like, it's on the road. The only thing that sucks is like the witching hour when you'd want to have a drink. Because I still think about it. When's that hour? Around, well, it starts around noon and goes until. No, no, it's, like, today it'll be at like 6 o'clock.

seven o'clock minute sun start setting yeah and on the road it's uh right when i tell the machine story like on tour right when i tell the machine story i i'm like i look to my drinks and i go i would love a little right now a little yeah i would love weed i would love weed but i haven't had it yet and so i'm just kind of like i'm waiting till i'm waiting till i don't think about it like you know what i thought today tom and i think me and you're the only ones not the only ones other people have been injured. But do you remember when you injured yourself and then you were like kind of going like timid on bench press and timid on squats? And then one day you didn't think about it and you just went for squats. That's what I'm going to do with weed. One day you're just going to eat a bag of

weed. Yeah, when I'm not thinking about it. When I'm not going like I need some, I want something to turn the corner. And then I can't drink until, not counting, but July 12th. And so July 12th, I don't know if I'll drink that day or maybe like a month before but I don't know yeah what's up with this Tarantino Rosanna Arquette N-word thing what I know I just I don't know I've just seen something what is that she's she drew okay personally I am over the use of the N-word I hate it arched said in an interview cannot stand that Tarantino has given a hall pass it's not art it's just racist and creepy all right so that's what she said on Monday he said um I hope the publicity you're getting from a hundred and thirty two different media outlets writing your name and

printing your picture was worth disrespecting me in a film i remember quite clearly you were thrilled to be a part of he wrote in a statement addressed directly to arquette in the movie arquette played jody wife to eric stoltz's drug dealer character he's talking of course about pulp fiction do you feel this way now very possibly tarantino continued but after i gave you a job and you took the money to trash it for what i suspect is very cynical reasons showed a decided lack of class no less honor um arquette's criticism of Tarantino's use of the N-word is far from the first express, of course, is uttered about 20 times in Pulp Fiction,

and Django Unchained, it's uttered 110 times. However, Tarantino's use of the N-word in the screenplays has long been defended by that film star Samuel Jackson and his frequent collaborator, Samuel Jackson, sorry, Jamie Foxx and Samuel Jackson. Here's his... Yeah, we read that already.

This is supposed to be in a spree decor between artistic colleagues, but it would appear the objective was accomplished. Congratulations, Q. Wow. He's really been, though, like this, on this tear of just shitting on people, I guess. And I always find it interesting when somebody that's like high, high level, high accomplished will take the time to speak out about, you know, criticism. Because a lot of people would just like go like, I'm not responding to that. Yeah. However, I think it, I think when it's that close to home, you, Like if it's, if it's, right, because she's in the movie.

Yeah, and she was friends with them, I'm assuming. Well, yeah, I mean, she got hired for the job. And she did take, I do think that that's a thing, too. It's like you, you're in the movie. You took the gig. You didn't complain about the script then. And then 30 some years later, you're like, you know what? I'm sick of your shit.

It's like, you didn't have that problem when you were working for me. And you didn't, I mean, by the way, I don't dislike Rosanna Arquette. I actually like Rosanna Arquette. I like the whole Arquette family. Yeah. But here's the other thing that there's a, there's a, like an intangible in this is that she allowed herself to get the clout from Pulp Fiction. It was a hot fucking movie.

And she was in it. The hottest. Yeah. And being in a hot movie does something for your career. For sure. And then to, and then to, that's like if that would be honestly akin to, do you remember all the comedians that have shit on rogan who have been on rogan oh yeah yeah yeah and that is the exact same thing and then you're like well you didn't have a problem doing rogan and you were cool with him when you hung out and played pool with them and you were cool with him but then when he

didn't call you back yeah because he thought he felt like you were off on a couple things then you go off and you fucking spiral out against him that's ridiculous what you should do is use when they want them but then they're like i got a problem with this guy it's always bothered me when people do that to him. I mean, they do it, they do it to us, but it's no one notices when they do it to us. Right, right, right. Yeah, no, I know. It's, yeah. And then, but like the difference I think is that, like, a lot of time, like, he basically ignores everybody. Yep, he's been lighting up people kind of just out of nowhere for no reason at all. And I think, really? Between Tarantino? No, no, I was talking about Joe. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Tarantino's been, yeah, he's been going off on people. Yeah, so what did you say about Joe? that Joe just ignores all criticism. I mean, he gets a lot of it because his show is so massive and he's such a huge media figure. But he's just like, whatever. Like, I don't think... Most of the time, I've been like,

oh, did you see that? And he's like, huh? He doesn't even know about it. There was someone who said something about me and him and trashed both of us. And I said to him, did you see that? And he was like, oh, he's a good guy. I went really and he goes,

yeah, you know, he just tries to get attention every now and then, but you know he's a good guy. And I was like, Okay, it hurt my feelings. And he was like, oh, don't let it. If you saw him, he gave you a big hug, you know that. And I was like, okay.

I was like, wow. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I was a little more like you and Joe, where I was just like, I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I really think he ignores completely. And then I probably just care less. You don't care at all. You are what the problem with America is.

me yeah yeah if it doesn't affect you it doesn't bother you like there are certain things that affect you but they're they're so nonsensical that that's what bothers you and i've seen the things that have bothered you and they're so silly like they're so silly i'm not going to say them they're so silly i'll say them but like uh sometimes i'll tell you i'll tell you one and i won't say it out loud but sometimes when someone thinks it like an innocuous comic is funny and everyone's like that guy's funny and then you and I say he's funny and you go hold on you think he's funny and then I go yeah and you go yeah but I'm out I'll tell it to you and you can edit it out no no no you don't have to I think I know you're talking about those it's it's a weird thing like that's what I go like why

does he give a fuck about that like that is so not on my radar any other comic but like that one there was like a couple times it's happened where I where you're and it's someone no one talks about yeah and I'm like really like that's the thing but you don't you don't you That quality, though, about, like, talking about comics, that's in every comics DNA, like, talking about who's funny, who's not, like, that's everybody. Everybody does that. I think so, yeah. And I think it's, it's, I'm sure it happens with chefs.

For sure. Yeah. For sure. They're, I think they have more hatred in their hearts than we do. They are vicious, man. When you bring a child into the world, your perspective changes overnight. Suddenly you're thinking about the years ahead about child care. and school and the milestones you can't wait to see.

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We're bringing poor osos. Tommy, it was so fun. It was so fun. And the food through the roof. I mean, everything you ate. I was just with my chef, the Chichobamba chef, right, like an hour ago. Oh. I had a phone call with my donut company.

Oh my God, I can't understand a word they said, and I keep thinking, I know, I know. I went, we opened a remote location, 101 West 6th Street, where we drop stuff off every day, so if you're walking around downtown, it's in the Scarborough building on 6th Street. So I stopped by, it just opened yesterday. And I was with him, and then we went to the fairground food hall

and just kind of like caught up there. And then he was like, he goes, I went to a place for Breckxie. over the weekend. It had like five stars and 3,000 reviews on Yelp. Such shit. The biggest piece of shit I've ever eaten in my life. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, where do? The eggs were cold. The bacon cold. It's just shit like somebody took a shit on a plate. And I'm like, wow. Like that, that passionate of shitting on this place, which I won't name. But yeah, they go hard at other restaurants. I am I am so excited because I'm coming down to Austin in two weeks and I'm so excited I have big plans

I haven't been there in a while yeah I want to pick your boys up from school I want you to go they would get so excited they would get so excited I want to go to Chichabamba I want to go to Chichabamba you have no idea you have no idea how bad I want to go to Chichabamba you got to go in the morning got to go in the morning what's crazy Tom is I'm the lightest I've ever been in 22 years I saw Ila night yeah ila came out to one of my shows and she was she was like first thing she said she saw me is you have fingers i said what she goes you've had sausages your whole life you have like i can see your bones and your fingers she was what do your ankles look like i was like wow she goes i'm want to see your ankles i showed her my ankles and she was like ila said to me you get i'm going

to give you two days this year that you can drink two days and that's it and i want really she goes yeah She goes, you look incredible. She's like, I've never seen you like this. That's great, man. Don't you feel good? Yeah, and then I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. I see you seven days a year. You think I'm going to cut it down to just two?

Fucking party my dick off. When? When do you turn it up again? I'm going to, uh, so if you got to get off the sauce, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't like what's happening in society with kids getting away from alcohol. No, no, no, no, no. I meant the Manjaro.

Oh, yeah. I mean, if you want to let it rip, you can't do it on that, right? Oh, I was doing it on it. But I thought you said, you're like, I don't really have a taste for it. It doesn't... Well, I haven't had a taste for it since I quit drinking, but I think that's part of pair and par and parcel. Parcel and pear.

What is it? What? Part and parcel, part and parcel. Part and parcel? Was that any, will you Google that? Pear and parcel? Part and parcel? Part and parcel.

I'm trying to use bigger words. Okay. I saw this guy's Instagram this morning And he said Every morning when I wake up I make myself a cappuccino And I read Then I go into the city

I sit at a bar I have a pastry And I have one more cappuccino And I start a conversation And that is my day Okay And I want that to be my day And I want it to be in Austin

And I want my day in Austin Is going to go I'm going to wake up And have a cappuccino I'm going to stay at your house I think by the way When I go to Austin I'm going to have a cappuccino

I'm going to go I realize I don't spend enough time with your kids. I'm going to have a cappuccino. And then I'm going to go into the Cidato Chochabamba and have another cappuccino and a pastry. Then I pick up my two kids from school. I take them to a shooting range and we shoot assault rifles. If you go to the shooting range with them,

you'll be their favorite human being ever. That's all I want to do. All I want to do is hang out with your boys. And I want Leanne to hang out with your boys with me. So she sees how much, Oh, I have a great question for you. Yeah. Okay.

Let's pause it. But no, but keep going with where we're going. We were Googling something. And then I'll ask you the question. Okay. So what were we talking about? Part and parcel. Part and parcel.

It means an essential, integral, or unavoidable component of something, often highlighting a feature that cannot be separated from the whole. It is commonly used to describe necessary, albeit sometimes unpleasant aspects of a job, life, or situation, as in stress is part and parcel of the job. that's great that is that is such a perfect transition into the conversation i want to have okay so two things have happened in my life that are non-negotiables okay part and parcel uh leanne moved me out of her room into my own room and leanne stopped cooking non-negotiable these are great things no no no no

no no it's objective it's objective of whether or not they're great things okay but it brought up but the cooking was a non-negotiable she said she's done cooking she'll never want to cook again She's never liked cooking. She'll cook when she wants to, but don't ever plan on her cooking me a meal. If she's making herself something, it's just for her. It's not for both of us. Okay, got it. She said that.

And then she said, non-negotiable, I need to move into my own room. She's not sleeping at night. It's keeping her. I snore it keeps her up. I need to be in my own room. She needs her own room. Tom, she sleeps like a dying old lady. She sleeps with one of those quilted quilts, like those old lady ones that you

see on top of beds that don't look comfortable and they're all rough and bumpy she sleeps under that still folded in half of the top her hands on top and she goes like this that's how she sleeps do you like that all the windows open so those natural sunlight wakes her up oh my god fucking morning time oh my god so now i moved into a cave i have the guest room i've murdered out the windows i have ac down to about 70 or about to 65 i have no light coming in and i play a podcast every night while i sleep, I fall asleep, I wake up, 10 hours clean, I sleep like a god, she's already up doing fucking laundry. Anyway, those are the two non-negotiables. And I was, I was cool with it. And then I started thinking, what are your non-negotiables as in, what would you actually say no to?

Like if push said, oh, you can never, we'll never have sex again, then you go, well, that's a non-negotiable. Right, of course. I need to, I need, that's, but where will you draw the line with non-negotiables. If she said, I want you to have your own bedroom, would you be cool with it? Yeah. Okay, yeah, right? It's pretty cool. It's rad. I'll show you my bedroom when you come over. I can't wait. Dude, it's so cool. Posters and toys and stuff. My guns out. Fuck yeah. I got a sign that says no fat chicks allowed on the door. Oh, dude. That's so rad. It's so awesome. You know what Ellis has on his door? What? He has a caricature of Javier Bartum from No Country for Old Men as Anton Shagor. You know?

And I was like, hey, do you know who that is? He's like, a fucking cool guy. And I go, yeah, that's like a psychopath from a movie. He's like, that's awesome. I go, where the fuck did you get that? He's like, I printed it up. Like, it's just on his door. And then Julian yesterday came into my office at home.

And I was reading. And he goes, oh, I'm going to bring a chair in here. And I go, for what? He goes, so I can sit in here with you. And I go, okay. So he puts a chair in front of my desk. And then he's like, I'm going to read too. And I go, all right.

and he gets something and then he's like, I'll be back and I'm like, okay. And he comes in and like with a suit jacket on and he goes, I have a contract. I need you to sign. And I go, what is it? He's like, it just says that you're going to give me money for some stuff I do. And I go, what are you going to do? He goes, I don't know, but I don't want any physical labor. And I go, okay, so what are you going to do for money?

He's like, we'll figure something out. And I go, all right, you got to be more specific. If you want me to sign the contract, he goes, just fucking sign it. And so I signed a contract. And I go, can you clean the trash cans? He goes, I don't do shit like that. And I go, okay, cool. We have a signed deal.

And is in his suit. Yeah. So crazy. Every time I see David Bowie stuff, I want to buy it for your youngest. He's so obsessed. I see so much David Bowie stuff all the time. Like, there's so much stuff at, uh, at antique shops. I find antique shops, like, but they're always like a $250 shirt.

I was like that he's not going to appreciate it. No, no, definitely not. So what are your non-negotiables? If push said you can never have alcohol again, is that a non- would you be cool with it? I mean, I would be like, what's your fucking deal? I'm not like. But what if she said?

Okay, let's start easy. I'll never give you another blow job. That's kind of a non-negotiable, yeah. Right? Yeah, of course. Okay, okay, good. I can, I need to move back to L.A. Hmm.

that's more like i don't so i'm trying to think of the people listening to this right now there are dudes who move back to their wife's hometown to be around her family and that was a negotiable they were like well i guess i can do that to me it's really about the burden of everything that we moved here i'd be like jesus christ you want to move everything back to call yeah i don't think so man no okay okay no what if she said what if she said uh what if she said uh I need, I got to fly private everywhere I go. Fuck no. Yeah, right?

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And it's a really great moment. Don't ever say that in a fight. I've done that in a fight where you should talk about this in therapy. That doesn't work that way. But there is a space where you do go through stuff with your spouse, with my wife, with Leanne. And I will kind of earmark things and be like, yo, this is a good therapy thing. Like this is, and sometimes it's the thing she doesn't see that she's just kind of burdening over and over and over again. And I'll kind of earmark it.

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I got to stop following these women. They're going to figure out who the fuck they are. Yeah. Yeah. They do that? That's crazy. I think that's a crazy expense. There are women who almost look at their comfort as a non-negotiable. Their comfort as a female and you are to provide for them as a male.

Now, we've never been trained to see that in sitcom because it's always the fat loser who has the chick and then, oh, shlub, shlob, shlob. Shob, like shows like Freebert. But I just said halfway through that, I was like, I think I'm describing my own show. But you look at what's out online, and it's all these women who are done up, who have nice cars and have expensive shit. And they're non-negotiables. They're like, I need a guy to take care of me. Yeah, that shit is, that's so gross. I mean, like, thank God that we didn't end up in something like that.

Like, no, that's the worst, man. Like, where the tradeoff is like, yeah, I'm with you. But this shit better be fucking nice 24-7. Think of the guys who have hemorrhaged their life. They've just mortgaged out everything to keep their chick happy. With like, by buying her. Yeah, that's horrible. By buying her?

I think that's horrible. I've seen that. I remember, like, oh my God, one of the first acting classes I ever took in L.A. Had all these, like, women that were like not serious about it, but they were just taking this class. and they were all like kept women, but like by Bel Air guys, you know? And it was clearly like already we were, I mean, I was in my 20s and they already had like facelifts and tit jobs and crazy cars. And you know what I mean?

Like it was all just like a thing where the guy, the guy was 30 years older and that was the tradeoff. Like I'll look hot and you buy me nice stuff. It's gross. It would be kind of cool if you could like go to like imparts. And we can keep a woman there. Oh, you can. That would be, you want to do that?

That'd be a fun bit. Why would we do that for the show? Let's. That would be a fun reality show, kept women. Kept women. And I think we could do it for like a hundred bucks a month. I was, I was really, no lie. I was thinking about 25 grand a year.

Oh, way less. Way less. And the tradeoff could be like, okay, I just want you to put photos of me up all over your house. You know what I mean? say a like have a shrine to me pray to me in the mornings you know um and then like have your family cook a dinner and pretend that i'm there and they have like a blow up to all of you there how fun would that vacation be to be so you show up and you're like you're like have a little

festival we're not going to stay at our house i got us a hotel for the weekend at the four seasons and then like you bring your family there and they're like well it's kind of my wife but it's here in the philippines i knew a dude i knew a dude who I hope it doesn't get to him because it's going to sound shitty but I hope he knows that this is what really happened he was married to a regular chick right like a regular chick

like let's paint out regular like about 160 5-5 not the most beautiful chick okay nice I really hope he never hears this and and he wasn't he was not attractive

He was not attractive. I think they're starting to see the picture you're painting. They're like, huh. I wish I could send you a picture of him so you knew how unattractive. Like if you said cookie cutter, middle class American white male, it's that guy. Okay. So it's him with his unattractive wife got it. And he got a job working for like a big production company.

He definitely knows you're talking about him now. Okay. Okay. Edit that out. Edit that out. Okay. Edit that out. He went on a trip to the... And decided he was going to work. Mm-hmm. And he married a 10. Mm-hmm. A 10.

And he got rid... Divorced his wife. Yeah. Got rid of his life here. Yeah. And he lives there. Now, still. Still. He still's there. He sends Christmas cards every now and then with him and his family. And they're all in the same shirt. And he is... He sticks out so aggressively.

Of course. Of course. But he traded his life here to be a millionaire with one of the hotter women I've ever seen in my entire life. I mean, I think this is a path that a lot of people, more like a substantial number of people take this path. Especially like middle age, frustrated, you know, where they go like, this is just not panning out. And it's like, yeah, you can take what you've got to. a more underdeveloped place and be like a king. I think it's quite appealing to a lot of people, man.

So can you bleep out certain words so it's not clear? Because he'll know it's him when I say this. Right before he left Tom, him and his wife, we're going to sell everything. And that was going to be his life. And he was drinking with me. And he was like, I mean, I guess that's a good move, right? And then he takes one trip to...

And he's like, this is insane. And he's like, my money goes. far. Yeah. And then he finds out that his job could be transferred there. Divorces his wife, moves to... Gets a fucking high-paying job. Yeah. Lives like Dan Blaserian. Yeah, he's just living it up. And he's still... Two pounds. Happier than shit, probably.

Never had... in his life. Like, just the fucking... Do you still chat with him? Every now and then, every now and then, I'll get a tech. I get a Christmas Christmas card from him. But I think someone cuts his yard with scissors. Like, it's, so wait, here's the question, right? Now,

and this is going to come off a little odd. Uh-huh. So, like, clearly for, like, 25 grand, you can get the hottest chicken. Or we can start upgrading, right? And go, now, how much is hottest chicken Ireland cost? How much is the hottest chicken? I mean,

clearly there's parts of Africa where it's even less than 25 grand, but you get, like, a fucking bad bitch who's like 5-11 dark as fuck like just beautiful features it's just whatever your taste is man no no no no no i want to see greatest price point like what do you think the greatest price point because rush is a fucking great one are we discussing human trafficking right now no no no that's not a good topic for me these days okay what that's a is that a soft spot for you it's it's been it's been what we call it no no what just say it You're in the Epstein list?

Nope. Stop it. I'm not on the Epstein list. You're on the Epstein list. You are. You're a result. You know that, right? Do you pull up the Epstein Files search.

Shut up. We've already done it. I know I'm not on the Epstein list. You are in the files. No, I'm not. You are in the files. It would make me low-key so excited if I was in the files. You are.

100%. Bullshit. You are a result from the Epstein search. Pull up the thing. No, I'm not. Pull up where you can search the Epstein files. Hold on. Okay. You're making this up. I'm not kidding, dude. Okay, do the search. Type in Burke Kreischer and see if there's a result. There's a result right there.

Berk Kreischer. Yeah. March, 2020. Hit the PDF. See? Subject. What does it say? What does it say? I don't know. There. There, Burke Kreisher. Comedy Central special travel channel, Bert the Congress trip. You're in the files. He was watching my travel channel shows? I don't know. I guess maybe he was considering going to his show.

That's kind of something you could put in your hype video before people come up, before you come on stage, is like record the screen being searched and then be like, bam. Yeah, he knew who you, and he put those dates in. Maybe he was looking to go to a show. Maybe he was a fan. That's kind of cool.

Bert the Conqueror Trip Flit. Yeah, he knows who you are, dude. March 21st to 23rd. What year? I bet you it was like, I bet you he was like, what are we doing this date? And they were like, oh, the 21st, you want to see Burke Kreischer?

This isn't really. You created this. This is the Department of Justice website, dude. This is the site. Am I really in the Epstein files? Yeah, you're in the Epstein files. You are, man. I thought you'd be super on top of that.

Do you know that I would have clearly befriended Jeffrey Epstein? A thousand percent. If he had reached out. If he had been like, do you want to get on my plane? You'd be like, yeah. Do you like to go to a private island? A hundred percent. Yeah.

People like, sometimes people pull out cameras. Other people are like, oh, I'm just going to hide. You'd be like, I would have been in every photo. Yeah. I would have been in every picture. I really, and I'm being serious. I would have I don't know how many people

Like that's why when they look at the list And they're like This person flew with Jeffrey Epstein Like Chris Tucker Flew everywhere with Jeffrey Epstein And he was like I don't know man I just got on a private jet to Africa

Yeah And I'm like I would have definitely been one of those people For sure Would you be one of If Jeffrey Epstein asked you to fly private With him to an island Would you have gone?

Hey listen I'm a big fan of your mom's house Yeah are you That's weird Can I tell you who the one weird one is? Joe said no. He said no to having him on the podcast. Oh, I thought he said no to hanging out with him. Maybe hanging out, but also they wanted,

I think they wanted to get him on. They wanted to have, it's right, you're right. I think they wanted to have, somebody was trying to get him to have lunch, and then it was like have lunch with him and Woody Allen. And he was like, no. And I feel like they wanted to do the podcast, too. I don't remember.

But yes, he said no. said no without knowing that he was a was just like nah i'm good yeah he's like that for a lot there's a lot of bad people that could get you like oh i mean i mean they the question is if you were at ufc and trump tried to shake your hand and there were cameras around would you shake his hand oh that's rough i mean i can't stand them it's funnier to be like hmm you're i mean that would be so funny if you if somebody was like hey and you're like I'm good with the best one this is the best one tom yeah is you go yeah and then you go like this you go hey if you had done that you'd go viral yeah yeah go viral so quick for sure uh my dad would kill me if I still cancer Trump my dad would

murder me he would he would have a real problem with me really yeah I would totally shit cancer Trump yeah 100 percent 100 percent sitting president of course and you would also you would also big smile and be like i love you bro he would be like take the shirt off i go it's coming off sir yeah what do you need i got into a deep dive on mara lago yeah is it mara largo mara lago mara lago mara loggie marlago yeah so do you know trump made a killing on that place no i didn't know that so yeah he the lady that built it was Maryweather Post. She's an heir to the post to the post serial fortune. She built it so that dignitarities and actresses and athletes. Dignitarities. Dignitarities. I think there's an extanty in there.

Okay. And and so she built it for like 20 million in the fucking 20s, 30s, whatever. Trump bought it for like eight. Really? Trump bought it for eight or 10. And then he found out there was like five million dollars worth the art inside there. So he got $5 million worth the art. Leveraged that. Here's the problem. Trump couldn't keep the daily cost of keeping Mar-A-Largo up and running. And they were only given like $100,000 a year to keep it up and running.

So that's why he turned into a country club. You want to talk about what a gangster move Trump did? He knew he was competing with all the other country clubs in Palm Beach. So what he did is he goes, I got something they can't argue against. guys, I'm allowing blacks, gays, and Jews in this country club and fucking West Palm was like,

what the fuck? And he was like, take it up with the ACLU. And that's, and 25 grand. It was 25 grand initially to join Mar-a-Lago. It's way more now. 25 grand. Yeah. But I did like a deep dive on it.

I was curious about it. But he made a killing on that fucking place. It says that the negotiation tactic he used was that he initially offered to buy it for $15 million, was rejected, then bought the nearby beachfront land for $2 million and threatened to build a house that would block the ocean view. Yeah. Driving down the price of the property.

And then ended up purchased for $10,085,000, which is equivalent to $30 today. Our president said publicly he got it for eight. That's what the news does. Fake media. Well, that's right. Sure. Well, it says he got $5 million for the mansion, $3 million for the furnishings, $2 million for the adjacent beach frontland. The two looks like it was separate. So I think you're right. It's eight.

Yeah. But I've been really into documentaries lately. When I, right before I go to bed, I turn on a documentary. And that was a good one. And look, open it to Jews and blacks. This guy's so insane, dude. We're going to miss him. You think so? Yeah. The entertainment value. Yeah. He's entertaining. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, you know, you know, I'll tell you what, I said this about George Bush Jr. Is when he was president, everyone thought you forget how much everyone hated him. Yeah, so much. And I said, we're going to miss him.

Yeah. It just gets worse. If you're into crazy ex-girlfriends, they just get crazier. We're not going, we're not, we'll go back. We'll have one or two normies, but we're going to, we're going to, it's going to get even. Think about what social media is and what's online. There's dudes online straight up, white dudes straight up saying the N-word. And going like, what are you going to do?

Cancel me? Well, I don't care. Fuck it. Fuck you. And that is the future of the youth. The youth's off. And I think it's everyone's microdosing and eating edibles and doing BPC 157 and optimizing their sleep. And they're all online.

No one's living. Everyone's like right here, but no one's out fucking meeting anyone or sitting at a bar and telling a fucking lie like old school dudes. Yeah, well, I do think people are going to get way crazier. You're right on that. And we're going to look back and go, I mark my words because I said it with J.J. George. G.W. GW. How much you miss GW?

How much you miss GW? He was, I miss him. Yeah, right? And think of, there's not one person. I bet Janine Garoflo would be like, God, man, I miss Gw. George Bush, Jr., whatever. God damn, why can't have talked today? George W.

J. Dub. Look at him. And now he gives Wurthers. He gives Wothers to Kamala Harris. I should stop talking. Okay. Not Kondi Rice. Who's the fucking... I just named two black chicks.

I don't know. Who you're talking about? Obama. Michelle Obama. Okay. He gives Wurthers to her at funerals. He's like, hey. Hey, Michelle.

One little, she's like, gee, dub, you're so good. And then he gives her a Wothers and he was like, hey, you want to hear a joke? No, he seems like the smartest guy in the world next to Trump, this guy. I mean, yeah, it's just getting worse. Yeah. It's not even comparable. And the kids these days that now agree with communism and you look at the fucking, you look at the left and the left is literally run by fucking lunatics who are lighting fucking bombs

and throwing bombs in New York. fucking punching. It means like it's insanity. It's insanity. Insanity. And the pendulum doesn't write itself and just go back to the center. The pendulum swings hard as fuck.

That's the way the world works. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Did you think, like, this is interesting. I haven't really dove into this. Can you pull up Dahmer's mom's thing? What? Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer's mom.

She said, that her son didn't hurt his victims. And I kind of want to, I think it's an important thing to really dive into because I always said that people talk too much shit about Dahmer, you know? He, yeah, he wasn't,

he was a little knucklehead, but he wasn't like, you know? So he killed them, but he never tried to hurt them. That's what she said. And I think it's a good point, you know, that he was, he was just doing what he did, but he wasn't like, he didn't hurt them. them physically or hurt their feelings, you know? I think he just ended their lives.

He was not a bad guy. Wait, wait, hold on. There's the one story of the one kid with the hammer in his head that ran down the bar. The hole drilled in his head. I think that hurt. You're right. And I don't know what she would say to that. That'd be an interesting thing to go back to him on.

He drilled into someone's head while they were alive. And then that person ran to a bar and got cops. And then it was the, it reminds me. Joey Diaz is joke, who are they going to believe? Yeah. Me or a chick with a black guy and a wig. A dude with a black guy in a wig. So this is a...

To Christopher Wilder? What is this? Oh, okay. This is a different person that he's talking about? Yeah. Okay, a psychologist. Is there any more? She just said that.

Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, again, I, I, I like to remember Jeffrey as more than just a serial killer, you know? He's dead, right? Yeah, he's dead. He got killed in prison. I bet that was a fucking scary way to go.

The way he died in prison? Yeah, I think he was beat with a broomstick to death. I'm sure they shoved it up his asshole. They actually, I believe they did, yeah. They had to. Yeah. It was one guy who was already in for murder. He was like, well, what have I got to lose, you know?

I was next to a 95-year-old woman on. the flight yesterday coming in and we had to do a aborted landing so we had to take off it's amazing how quick those planes are when they punch it like and and she got scared really she was 95 how are you with flying now still scared yeah I was scared yesterday when we had to abort the landing but I'm a little better my anxiety has been pretty good without her to abort the landing yeah what do you mean like we had to take back off really yeah how come

Like we went and almost touched down and then it just took off because there was a plane on the tarmac. Oh, did they announce it? Nope. They just did it. They just did it. We were like right in L.A. You know when you get to L.A.? You get to like the safe part where you're looking at the all the warehouses and the parking structures and the parking cars?

And then you're like, oh, I'm home. And you just go to and we got there and it just went and we flew out over the ocean like we're going to Hawaii. And we didn't turn around. We didn't turn around for a while. And I was like, and no one said anything. And she was 95. She was sitting next to me and she was nervous. And I was like, I'm 95.

What are you nervous for? Yeah. I didn't say that to her. But she looked at me and she goes, this is scary. And I was like, for me, I still have like 30 good years. For you, you got two. Wouldn't you rather go out in a plane crash at 95? That would be awesome.

Yeah. It reminds me of the story of Stacey's grandmother was Stacy who works here. I hate that I bring this up all the time And it makes me giggle She called me up one time She goes hey I can't come to work today And I said why? She goes my god I'm so sorry

She goes no I know It's just I said how old was she She goes it doesn't matter And I said no I'm just curious She goes she was 95 And I was like Well you have at that point states I guess she got a boy

She caught on fire She caught on fire She burned to death in a building Yeah Her house caught on fire And I was like Oh wow I guess she didn't see that coming

At 95 No No, and Stacey. And I bring it up all the time. It still makes me giggle. It still, and I brought it up to someone at a party, and he goes, I can beat that. He goes, my mom was 97. Or my grandmother was 97.

And I was like, really? And I was like, how did she die? And he goes, she got hit by a bus. Holy shit. And he goes, and I went, wait, did she could. And he goes, everyone asks if she could hear it. It was an electric bus. It backed over her.

Fuck. Dude, I yeah. How would you prefer to go? Say, I always said this, rescuing someone. No, no, I mean, like between getting hit by a bus, let's say it's 65 miles an hour. So you kind of just splatter on the road. But it's real quick. Plain crash.

If you're picking the two. Or how about house fire? No, no, no, no, no. Hit by a bus. Hit by a bus, yeah. I would never want to burn alive. Yeah, bus is quick, real quick. Yeah, drowning or catching?

on fire. Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah. Well, I've got, you know, I've almost drowned before. And it's so, that's right. Yeah. It's so terrifying. I mean, I don't think anyone, I think burning alive has got to be just so horrific.

I bet at a certain point you lean into it. To the burning? Yeah, and you're just like, kind of go towards the fire and you're like, let's wrap this up. Never really thought about that. Maybe. Maybe. I think I'm going to take fire. Take fire?

Okay, if you're going to be killed by an animal, would you rather be on your territory or their territory? Meaning, like, attacked by a shark in water where you're not familiar, or attacked by a lion where on ground, you're familiar? Fuck. That's a good one. I just saw footage of a guy that got attacked by a puma. It's real gnarly.

My fucking numskull assistant was like, I was asking him today, what percentage of anything? animals do you think you could kill by hand? And he goes, 60? And I was like, wait, what? And he was like, well, you figure, I can get all the way up to dog and cat. And I was like, do you think you could kill a cat? He was like, yeah.

I was like, I couldn't get a cat out of a tree. You think he's once he gets his hands on it, he could kill it. He goes, do they know I'm killing it? And I went, well, they're going to know once you start strangling it. Yeah. They think they're going to be like, this is the weirdest massage. That is so scared. Dude, the shark death or the lion death? Shark death? Hang on. Let's walk you through it. Okay.

Well, let's just you know this. The lion death's going to be quicker. You're going to die quicker. The shark death is going to happen and then he's going to let you sit there as he does a lap and then comes back. That's what I'm saying. The shark's going to bite you and then like, yeah, then start swimming around you and you're going to be like scared. You're going to know what's happened. you're going to be screaming in the water. Your chunk of your leg is missing. You're bleeding profusely. And then you're like, I'm about to die.

And I'm looking at the shark. The lion, you're going to be scared if you know it's coming, but it's going to bite your neck and just try to crush it right away. So it's going to go for your neck and just crush your neck. And I'm allergic to cats. That's another thing is your eyes will be itching and red. And your nose is going to get congested. Oh, and I'm having an asthma attack and he'll be biting my neck.

But the crazy thing is your spinal snap. so fast that you won't really feel that much. What animal would you rather attack you, a bear or a lion? Oh. I think the lion still because it goes for your neck. Okay. Then what would you rather? A lion or ten dogs?

Oh, fuck. These are vicious killing dogs. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're going to suffer more in that one. It's going to be so fucking brutal, dude. All right. Now you ready? Yeah. Okay. You get attacked by 10 dogs, but the owner of those dogs is there. Would you rather the owner be a woman, a black dude, or a guy, a Latino who doesn't speak English?

How do you want to go out? No, okay, hold on. So, okay, you got to think. If it's the woman, she's going to be going, they're friendly. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hang on. Guys, stop it. Stop it. If it's a black guy, he's probably like, he's probably like, get a talk. Get some. He said, get some. And then if he's a Mexican guy, you don't know what he's saying. I do. Yeah, I think, you know, we've taken so much from black culture. I'll take the black guy. Yeah.

A little payback. Okay. Yeah. How about monkeys, though? What about chimps? Right? They bite your fingers off. They bite your fingers off.

They take your jaw. They take, look, they do this. And they pull your jaw out of your face. And they always rip your testes off because they know you're a male and they know you'll reproduce with that. So they rip your testicles off. And then they peel skin off your back like there's strips of bacon with their hands, you know? So then what's the question is chimp or gorilla? Yeah. Well, the gorilla might just just pounce you, right? And then throttle you down. So it's going to play with you. It's going to think you're a toy for a while.

Mm-hmm. But you'll probably be unconscious pretty quick. See, I think you suffer more at the hands of the chimps. You know, I think you suffer more. Would you rather be killed by 10 women or 10 men? That's a real crazy pivot. I thought we were talking about animals. Ten women's going to take like 45, 50 minutes. Are these badass women though?

It's just regular women. Regular women? Regular women, regular men. Pull them off a fucking frontier flight. and they just start what pummeling you and they're like guys we've got a hundred million dollars you gotta kill this guy you got one day to do it

and they just start fucking beating you until you die so it may take like a day but you're gonna be fighting the wimp see the guys you just no you're gonna get overpower but you're gonna get tired 10 women

you can hit a lot of women though 10 regular dudes you're probably stronger than the regular dude okay but still like 10 of them is a lot. Ten's a lot. So I can see how like, but like as, let's say three women, three of the ten are in front of it, you're going to start punching women in the face, right? And the throat and they're breaking some ribs. I mean, let's say you knock out three or four of them. How fun would the first fucking minute and a half be? Of hitting that woman? Just beating the fuck out of the first

three women that come your way. And just being like, so no one's going to say anything. Wow. And they're like, there's a hundred million dollar bounty on your head, dude. And then, yeah, and then, I mean, the thing is, they could just... But are these, like, gross fucking Philly chicks who, like, you know what I mean? Like, who really know how to scrap? Or are these, like, Midwest moms? No, let's make it... Let's make it a bunch of fucking Philly bitches.

Yeah, they're tough, dude. They're like, y'all, they're like wiping their nose and shit. They're like, this is going to get fucking good. It's fucking on. E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles. Go birds. Let's get Tommy. Yeah, that's going to be rough, dude. I mean, you're going to, you are going to have a little bit of fun cracking a few jaws, but I don't know, 10 of them is a lot, dude.

10's a lot. I'd rather be beaten. I'd rather be killed by 10 men easily. Just for the story, you know? Yeah. Pride. What language would you like to die to the least? Like, because you figure, we fought in wars.

People have died to Iraqi or whatever that is. Oh, Arabic. Arabic. Yeah. People have died to German. Yeah. That's a rough one

because it sounds scary. Sandra's raising her hand. People died to Vietnamese. Vietnamese sounds like it's like a little like a hop blop, right?

I don't. But it's more like round. It's more round. It's like as opposed to Japanese, which is Oh. Hang on.

And then Vietnamese is like, what do you think would you like, would you like it or dislike it to be suffering at the hands of an Asian more? Because you know they're colder, right? Okay, hold on. So you got to think of the moment, right? The moment you don't want is when they say something and then they laugh to themselves. So what language would you, like, hunt, uh, And glitin, gladden, glubbing,

gill, you know, so, yeah, yeah, yeah, or like, or like,

so on, like, how shun, oh, mm-hmm. You got to think Bobby Lee killing you,

Santilla, like an Irish accent, you think you're getting out of this one, boy, oh. But you understand that one. Yeah,

yeah, you're not, yeah, you understand that. No, but they're talking in Gaelic. We're like, clack and jimelabab,

oh, right. That would be more frustrating because it's close. You'd be like, could you just say, in English? You're right.

I'd be like, can you fucking stop? I'm like, cluckling, clackin'clock la. I bet the Vietnamese one sucks. I bet the Vietnamese one would be, because it's a little,

no offense, Sandra, but it's a little goofier, you know, and it sounds like there's like a comic relief to it and you always feel like you're getting let go.

And you're like, what, for real? No, no, not you, him. Yeah. And they'll break your... Not you. Not you.

I'm trying to do Vietnamese. Not you, him. Not you him. That's it. It's like Angela Johnson's nail salon. You got boyfriend? Mm-hmm. Italian would be sexy to die too.

Italian would be sexy to die too. Italian would be sexy to die too. Spanish? I wouldn't mind dying to Spanish. Right. I bet a certain point you should just fall asleep. I just, but it would suck if it was like a Chechnine guy. Just saying, you're like, I don't know what the fuck's happening.

Russian would suck. Suck. Yeah. Chinese, like Mandarin. I'd rather die to English and know what we're saying. And now what English accent would you like to die to? Would you like to die to a British accent, like a cockney? Like, all right? Looks like we're cutting his knickers off.

I think I would rather die. If I was going to die, make it more a refined Brit. I think that would just be more pleasant thing to hear. Yeah, it feels cleaner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a refined bit as opposed to, American accent.

Oh, I, bye. Yeah, I don't want to listen to that while I'm dying. American would suck. What American accent would be the worst to die to? Probably that fucking, like a southern. Southern accent. Because it doesn't sound smart. It doesn't sound smart and you feel like you're being vested by someone

dumber than you. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Same with that Mid-Atlantic accent, which is like that Philly Baltimore accent, that would suck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Pittsburgh accent would suck to die too Yeah Yins for sure Fucking Canadian accent Okay No I don't want to die of that We're gonna kill you a

That would suck Take his tarp off Okay dokey Oh this is gonna be a long day bottle Oh you're not gonna like anything we do to you I think you hit the key thing though If you feel like it's dumber Then it's worse

Yeah no offense to the Vietnamese people But like, yeah, like I said Vietnamese earlier and I was saying because it's more round and like where Japanese sounds more precise but you're right, I think the dumber the accent that sounds mildly racist but the dumber the accent. Yeah, then the worst it is.

Yeah. Even for like the homegrown stuff. Can I tell you something wildly racist that a black guy told me? Yeah. Okay. So I was touring with this guy and I casually saw a picture

of a black dude without a, mustache and you don't have a mustache right now well it's growing in and no no but you don't have one you have like hair there yeah and i said you know a long time ago i heard um i heard that black guys without facial hair are gay and he goes my dad told me that when i was a kid and i was like for real and he was like yeah and i was and i started googling it and it's kind of accurate like most almost all straight black dudes have facial hair interesting and then he said And this is even wilder. And once you go on Instagram, you can't unsee this.

He said that when he was growing up, someone told him, because I'm not incriminating anyone, that light-skinned black people act up a little more, act blacker than dark-skinned black people. And now that I've... He was told? He was just sharing with this me and the bus. And now all I...

And it's like the... It's like your phone hears you. Tom, all I get on my thing is light skin black chicks who are like, who are like talking, almost like they're making fun of black people. We're like, I don't walk through to my, heard, hur, hur. You know, like, it's like crazy. I'm doing a bad impression of it. But it's like, it's like with a toothpick in her mouth.

And she's like, and clearly. And she's light skin. And he told me that. And it's like now that he said that I can't unsee it. Yeah. I'm going to look for it now. I feel like it's all that's going to pop up into my feet. It's like when Donnell told us that black people like Pepsi more.

Yeah, yeah. The reasons why. Yeah. And then Tom, every time I've been in a restaurant and they don't have Coke, it's a black waiter. Every time. Every time. And I'm like, do you like Pepsi? And I go, I love it.

I love that menthol's. I love Pepsi products. What would be the, what they should do? There should be one chain that signs a wild deal with R.C. Cola. And just goes, that's all we got. Oh, we got Sarsi Cola. And you're like, wow.

Like, what would be the brand? Like, Fago would be cool? Uh-huh. Pull up brands of sodas, would you? Like, because you got the Pepsi products, the Coke products. Then you got Fago, you got R.C. You got Fanta. Fanta's probably in the Pepsi.

Right? Yeah, let's see. Hey, Dr. Pepper. Do you like Dr. Pepper? I love Dr. Pepper. Yeah, Dr. Pepper is good. I like Mr. Pib more. Really?

I like Mr. Pib and I like ANW. I got into those root beers and cream soda is the sugar-free ones. I think that's the best sugar-free thing out there. But do you notice that if you crack one of those, the carbonation goes so fast? Like if you don't drink it right away, it doesn't? I drink a diet root beer so fast. That you don't notice it. That I don't know.

I drink it within two sips. Two sips? Two sips. I drink a diet root beer. That's how fast they go down. And I'll tell you, Mug's diet root beer is way sweeter than anyone out there.

I do think that this health-conscious stuff is a pile of shit. That's always a bummer when you go Coke and they go, we have fucking spin drift. And you're like, what? The fuck are you talking about? I'll tell you what is really good. Have you had olipop yet?

No. I'm going to buy a case for your boys when I'm in Austin. Really? And they're going to love olive pop. Olipop tastes like candy, but it's like 25 calories. It's, uh, olipop's legit. All right.

I think St. Patty's Day is ours. Hmm. I don't think they celebrate it. They do. They did. But they don't celebrate it the way we do. Maybe not. I don't know.

I think our saint, I was in Dublin for St. Patty's Day one year. They have a parade and stuff. It's big. But it's almost like, it's like light skin black chicks. It's exactly like that. We're the light skin black chicks of St. Patty's Day. Right. Right. That's a really good point.

Yeah, they're like, what are you talking about? We're super dark. We don't need to do that. His examples. And I got to have on my podcast so that he can defend his examples. But his examples were spot on. And I'm not going to step my toe into it. I think black people already know what I'm saying.

I think it's common within the culture. They know what I'm saying. Yeah. But I'm probably misrepresenting it. But his examples were wild. Well, you got to get to post them. him to post those that'd be fun uh i gotta i gotta i gotta say this i want to get vans vaughan on the podcast i want us to interview vince vaughan his new movie nick and alice and nick and mike what's it called

it's so it looks so fucking good did you see it i haven't seen it i got it i saw the trailer and i reached out to hulu i think it's on hulu and i and i wanted to see have you seen mike and nick and nick and alice mike and nick and alice it looks So fucking good, Tom. It looks, do you want to watch the trailer? I've seen the trailer. Oh, it's, dude, I am so excited for this movie. This is everything I want.

Comedy and time travel, shut the fuck up. I'm so pumped for this movie. Great. This movie, and have you seen the trailer for Peaky Blinders? No. The movie? The movie Peeky Blinders is coming out in theaters, then on Netflix. I'm going to go in theaters and I'll watch it again on a plane.

And have you seen? the seven kingdoms of the night of seven kingdoms? You have not seen the night of seven kingdoms. I have not seen the night of seven kingdoms. Is that the name of it, the knight of seven kingdoms? It is Game of Thrones, but for like 20 million. So you know Game of Thrones, like the night, a knight of seven kingdoms. It's HBO?

It is on max. It is so good. But I also didn't watch all of. of Game of Thrones. Don't need to. Well, you kind of need to a little bit, a little bit you need to, but not really.

It's so... This is excellent? Yeah, and they did it low budget. You can kind of tell us low budget. Not to be shitty, but like, when you watch it, you'll see certain shots where you're like,

where you say to yourself, what was the budget for this? Yeah. And then you find out it's $6 million an episode. They did $20 million for five episodes. So like, you know, they kind of part and parceled it a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

But, uh, you're really into that expression. this is really good okay all right well we gotta wrap it up are we done yeah next episode will be in austin yes and then uh i will have picked your boys up from school yeah they're gonna love that dude so i'll just sleep on your couch sure if you want to i guess i'll sleep in a hotel we'll make it work dude you got to do you got to start posting about what you guys did you and epstein You've got to tell stories.

He used to call me the Conqueror. Look, guys, everybody has been talking. I'm finally going to tell you. Here's what Epstein was like. You'll see that I'm in the files. I should do an admission. Like, like, you go like, so it's out now. I'm in the Epstein.

Hey, say, did you know I was in the Epstein list? Wait, am I not in the Epstein list? You are. Did you make this up? No. Pull it up yourself. See if there's a result. When you search the department.

Justice Epstein files. I'm going to do some, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to do some deep research in my Epstein affiliation. And if, if I need to, I'll come clean.

Yeah, just tell your, tell people about your friend. Just talk about your friend. We call them an associate, like people like, I met him, but you know, I met him and we hung out

in a few parties. He made me call him Sigap. Yeah. And he called you Conquer. Conquer. Yeah. Conquer.

A lot of roller coaster questions back then. He was really into the intimidator. Top-thil Dragster. Hey, what just, what are the lines look like in that, Top-Til Dragster? And I go, they're long. And he goes, how old are the girls in that line? Yeah.

And I was like, what? I never understood. I was like, huh? Huh? He's like, those water parks. What is the age limit there? And you kept going like, wait, why do you want me to bring my kids for everything?

Yeah. Wait, so wait, like, the average height is this, how to ride that ride, but like, what age is that? that goes this high. I don't fucking know, Jeff. How old is this? It's so fun. All right.

It was fun. It was good to see you, buddy. I love you. I'll see you next week in Austin. Thank you guys. Bye. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Thank you.