2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Most Special Performance EVER | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

SPONSORS: Tune-in to the NASCAR Cup Series race on Sunday, March 10th at 3:30 PM Eastern on FOX. Check the schedule here: https://www.nascar.com/nascar-cup-series/2024/schedule/?cid=_SC_TP_WL_2B1CAMS_230202 Head to https://Shopify.com/BEARS to sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to http://policygenius.com/BEARS to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week, someone's getting an award for a very wholesome reason, plus on the topic of awards, the bears talk about actors who have gone full...you know, and played characters of diminished capacities. Bert even tears up a bit checking out a clip of John Malkovich from Of Mice And Men. The bears also talk about Leonardo DiCaprio in Gilbert Grape, Sean Penn in I Am Sam, French cinema, Billionaires doing depraved things for charity, Marlee Matlin, best TV shows about Florida, Linda Cardellini, and pleasuring horses! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 226 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I bet I could wipe shit on my face. No, you definitely can. I bet I could. What's your price point? 750. I'll shit on my face. 100%. This episode of Two Bears One Cave is presented by NASCAR. Don't miss out on incredible racing against the backdrop of the Desert Mountains

at Phoenix Raceway. Make sure to tune in on Sunday, March 10th at 3.30pm Eastern on Fox. Okay. Mark Norman died? No shit. No, never mind. Keep going. Good morning.

Can I tell you sometimes I think my branding is off. Yeah? Yeah, like the other day I was like, I don't know why, but I saw someone get rolled in on a wheelchair. Yeah. And I was like, oh shit, wonder what happened. And then I started Googling that person. Yeah.

And then I was like, I should do that. Like get rolled around in a wheelchair. So you, wait, you saw a celebrity getting Googled? Yeah. It was like rolled in a wheelchair. I think it might have been a Jardin de Pardieu. Though that would make sense He's rough bro

He was he said for a minute. What was what was Gerard de Partue drinking in a day? He said wasn't it like Something like let's start here. Let's see where I am like 15 bottles of wine or some shit like day 14 14 bottles of wine. Yeah And a single it starts with champagne at home or red wine before 10 a.m. and then more champagne that's my day tomorrow yeah yeah I'm gonna fucking get lit tomorrow champagne yeah I'm gonna get lit where I regret it the next day yeah yeah God Gerard to but he was a was he a great actor great was he was he in he was in like don't catch my daughter well he's French so there's a lot so there's a lot of...

There's a lot of movies you probably haven't seen, but he did English... English... He's French and did French movies? Tons. Yeah. For real? Yes. So he's like, there Jackie Chan.

That's... I mean, sure. Yeah. Interesting. Less action, but yeah. Ever play a special needs person? Did he? I'm sure he did he looks like he could remember when he first got one off his first when we got naked in that Fantastic, no, I'll pull it up. You didn't see him naked. No pulled jarred to Purdue naked And I'm gonna see if this is what I looked like naked. Oh my god. No, no, that's back in the day That's a nice. Well, there's she's jerking both cocks right there. Wait hold on. He did a porn

No, that's just French This is a French movies. They could just do porn. Yeah, you know how the French are Is this him? This is him right here, too. Yeah What the fuck yeah You haven't seen that I've seen I have an agent right there that one. Yeah, which one the one of him sitting No, the one right now is standing on the right. Buddy, buddy. Yeah. That's what I looked like.

Buddy, that's what we said. No, you did not. That's how that whole thing started. What? We'd seen this movie and it was like, I don't know how many years ago. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes.

Then we were like, that's Bert. That's me. That's me. That's what I looked like naked. That's what I fucking looked like naked. Leanne couldn't have sex with me. She'd have to lean over my belly to kiss me. Oh my God. God damn it.

What was the one where the girl was jerking the two guys up? Yeah, go back to that movie. Yeah, because I had to see that. Is that Dinner at Andre? I couldn't name one French film. Yeah, right here. She's really jerking them off. And that, is that De Niro? It is De French film. Yeah right here. She's really jerking them off and that is that the Nero? That is the Nero. Yeah, wait. What movie is this?

Man being an actor in the 70s must have been fucking awesome You know that that after this they were like 1900 it's called Bertolucci What's the plot other than two? It was called 1900 though two dudes are killing it But aren't when you be bummed out that that they they have this shot with the soft cocks like when By the way, hold on Tom. Yeah, Tom. Let's recreate that movie sure Let's reshoot it and then it's just acting. Oh totally acting

The answer is I can kiss a chick on screen. Well you can do this too. Yeah. So what they just, I don't understand, well how would you get there in that plot where you jerked off two dudes? 1976. I don't know. I never knew we had a De Niro dick out. No one ever talks about that. Yeah go back to De Niro's dick.

Do you think Robert De Niro listens to our podcast and he's like, oh fuck they found it. I think he's pretty aware of this. That is such Yeah, that's a crazy shot That's a wild shot George at Bardu looks fucking great now. Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh he grabs his dick deniro grabs his dick what? The Nero grabs his dick. What? I got another plot of this movie. What is this movie?

What is 1900? It's about two immigrants. Let's guess what it is, okay? 1900, two brother immigrants come over to America and one wants to be a boxer and the other one wants to be a boxer and the other one wants to be a writer Hmm, and they find a girl who they find a young Irish girl Who's working a prostitute and the the writer falls in love with her?

Wow, okay, that's way better than I would have gone with you. Let me hear yours They just work out a fish market some whore walks by and they're like Like hey you want to eat today? And then they just take you up to the room and then they don't feed her. Dude, movies have changed so fucking much. Okay. You could not have Leonardo DiCaprio

and Brad Pitt getting jerked off by a chick. It would be, it would definitely make waves. Oh my God. Tom, let's write that movie. Short, okay. Called Jack Brothers. This has Donald Sutherland... What?

...Burt Lancaster, set in Bertolucci's ancestral region of Emilia, the film Chronicles, the Lives and Friendships of Two Men... Yep, a once-a-boxer-once-writer. ...the land-owning Alfredo, which is De Niro, and the peasant Olmo, which is the Pardu... I'm close, I'm close. Hold on. Now listen, in plot structure, one's a meathead, one's an intellectual. Keep going. As they witness and participate in the political conflicts between fascism and communism that took place in Italy in the first half of the 20th century, with a runtime of 317 minutes in its

original version, 1900 is known for being one of the longest commercially released films ever made. Its great length led to it being presented in two parts when originally released. All right, I got our idea. I got our idea. We're going to redo 1900. We're going to remake it. Well, here's the plot. Okay.

Give me the plot. Give me the plot. And I'm going to turn it into a comedy right now. Okay. Italy is liberated by the fascists on it. We're not doing it in Italy. We're not doing Italy. Well, we get to spend time in Italy if we do not need it.

No, let's see Germany keep going. All right. The peasants seek to join the partisans and place the owner, Alfredo, under arrest, attempting to flee a middle-aged man named Attila, Attila and a woman named Regina, faced an attack by women laborers wielding pitchforks. Alfredo and Olmo, born in 1901, come from opposite ends of the social spectrum. Alfredo from a wealthy land-over family grows up with his cousin Regina, while Olmo, an illegitimate peasant is raised by his grandfather Leo the foreman and peasants Spokesman despite their differences Alfredo somewhat rebellious against his family's falseness befriend

Omo who is raised as a socialist during their childhood they'll lead strikes Against unfair conditions on the farm and the two's friends spend much time together get to the fucking Polsky hand job. Yeah, where we get weird. Can we scroll to the hand job? When does she jerk them off? It's not in the plot of the film Hey guys real quick real quick. Can we change that Wikipedia to make it a little more interesting? Yeah, we need can someone add This movie's been optioned by the... This is over five hours.

We're not going to do five hours. Ours is going to be shorter. It's going to be like fucking 76 minutes. And then can you just make sure someone watched the movie but jump in with the hand job part? And just add the hand jobs. They both get jacked off by the same woman and add that into there with the Wikipedia and I think it'll help sell the movie. I think it'll really bring it back crazy. We're gonna include it streams this week. I'm watching the movie. Yeah

You can't make a movie like that. Do you remember the guy? Who's a guy to do Buffalo 66 and made that girl suck his dick fucking ended her and ended it ended his career It's Christina Ricci. I think or Chloe Sabanier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Vincent Gallo. Vincent Gallo. He was like, I think to make this real, you should suck my down. I'm sorry if I'm speaking on your behalf, Vincent. I'm sure you're not into podcasts. I'm sure you're painting a wall. I don't know anything about Vincent Gallo and his shitty that I just trashed him a little bit. No,

you're fine. He's a good looking dude interesting looking interesting looking dude. He's got that kind of looked at like scumbag like but like Sexy scumbag. Yeah, sexy scumbag. Yeah He he had her suck his real dick. Yeah in the movie and then his I think her agents dropped her They're like, you fucking blowing guys on camera? No, are you serious? Yes. Pull that out. Yes, dude. He's like, they like, you sucked it to get the part and I want you have the part.

Jesus, don't you know how me too works? Exactly. Is it peace with brown bunny? Oh, so it was in Pufflo 66. Okay, okay. Brown bunny backlash. Bad bunny. Brown. No, but brown bunny backlash bad bunny Brown I know but bad bunnies a person. Oh, yes. He's like really big okay

2003 brown in which she performed Unsimulated Felatio at the time the country in her career. She was terminated from her agency. What the fuck? Yeah, dude That's not cool for them to do to her. I know. She had to be like fucking 22. She said, I thought it would just kind of play to an art house audience. I don't know why I thought it would just go under the radar. Vincent's a real character. I love Buffalo 66. I put my faith in him, believed in him. He was also very seductive, as you can imagine. I was thinking, I think it was kind of a way of reclaiming myself, which sounds odd, but after the celebrity and stuff being like, no, that's not who I am. I'm this other thing, that's what I stand for. I saw her one time when I worked at Barnes & Noble.

Yeah. Yeah, she walked in with Harmony Corrine, and she was pretty stunning. She's beautiful. She's got, she's got like what Vincent Gallo has for creepy, sexy. She's got cigarette smoking, coffee, drinking sexy. Like the kind of chick you want to meet in Paris, who doesn't shave her armpits and fucking plays with her asshole, you know? Where she's like, no, this is how we do it over here. No.

She's fucking hot. Yeah, she is. She's still hot. I saw her on Kimmel the other day. Was she on Blood bloodline the Netflix series No, it takes place in Florida. No, that's the fucking goat. It's great. That's not in that No, the fucking chick in bloodline is so goddamn hot. Yeah, she was in bloodline. Yeah, okay. Yeah, she was in bloodline Yeah, who's the chicken bloodline who's so the

Beautiful, I mean she's perfect. She's actually perfect. Like she will be a hot old woman. Yeah, Linda. Linda Cardellini. Linda Cardellini's cheeks are fucking mesmerizing. Yeah, she's beautiful. She is so... This series, if you haven't seen it,

if you especially if you grew up at all in Florida, it nails Florida trash and Florida like, like dynamics so well. Like the fucking neck beard guy, you're like, oh, I've, I've met like a hundred of these guys. Dude, the fucking brother who smokes cigarettes all the time. You know, he smokes cigarettes in all his movies. That guy.

That guy, Ben Mendelsohn. Yeah, he's great. He's fucking awesome. And Jamie McShane in that is un-fucking-real. He nails that. I want to smoke a cigarette with Ben Mendelsohn. Oh, dude. Jamie McShane and that is un fucking real he nails that I want to smoke a cigarette with Ben Mendelsohn. Oh Dude Jamie McShane. Oh like this. He's neck beard. Yeah. Yeah. I know Jamie McShane You know him. I know him really well. How our kids go to school together. No shit. I know Jamie really well

Dude, he's fantastic. I know Jamie really well Like I was like I know Jamie I know Jamie's sons. I know Jamie's ex-wife. Holy shit. He know Jamie really well. Like I was like, I know Jamie, I know Jamie's sons. I know Jamie's ex-wife. Holy shit. He's awesome in this. He's fucking great. Yeah. He's a cool dad too.

Like a cool, cool dad. He's the perfect Florida loser in this. Like he's so perfect. It's exactly what. I can't believe we brought up Jamie. Yeah, he's fucking amazing in it. They're all great. They're all great.

I love when they make movies that they don't like I Can't imagine and I say this respect, but I can't imagine bloodline getting green lit today Really? It's just a little bit. Mmm. It's a little bit at the very end of at the end of network You can stay by the way where they shot that and it's fucking amazing for real in the keys I think it's a place called I think it's called the moorings I love when you watch a TV show that makes you want to drink They shot that and it's fucking amazing. For real? In the keys. I think it's called the Moorings. I love when you watch a TV show that makes you wanna drink. Really?

When you go like, like. Like 14 bottles of wine in a day? Like, yeah, like Mad Men. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, I need a Scotch in the afternoon. Yeah, and talk some shit to somebody. You get, I use this, you, the thank you is the paycheck.

Oh yeah, yeah. That's why I pay you. You should be thanking me that you have a job He's a badass motherfucker. Yeah, he's great trouble for hazing Back in his like they fucking tried to cancel him cuz he hazed people. Do you see him in the new Fargo? No, the series it's fucking so good. Really? Yeah. Is that the one with Chris Brown? Chris black Chris Chris Rock Well, so that's a yeah, that's the same series,

but every season is a completely new story. So Chris Rocks was, I think, season four, and this is season five. Can I tell you what I love? Get in on the action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. New customers who deposit $5 or more can get a no sweat bet up to $1,000 back in

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but I am smart enough to get the new cool show. So like when they go, have you seen Secession? And then I go, no. And they go, you should watch it. Well, you say Secession? Is that not how it's said? Secession, yeah. No, it's, you're secede somebody.

You don't succeed somebody, you secede them. It's secession. Okay. It's secession. All right. Hold on, how do you say it? Secession. No. Leanne! Oh, Jesus on how do you say it succession no

Leanne oh Jesus how do you say it? It's the session Sun Sun succession huh Succession no, they're doing that wrong Google Google that's a AI you don't trust AI Hey, do you think all the do knowing forget this? Do you think I have a bet with my old trainer? Yeah, when you run one Lacey, okay

When you run on a treadmill and they've got the screen where you're running down the street and people are passing you by yeah Are those real people or are they AI the real I thought so thought so too. You know, it's great, there's one. I love doing it and then I talk, I waved to people running by me on the treadmill when they were on the other end, I go, what's up? I love doing that. And then I like Cat Colin, the people I run past,

and I was like, ah, it's a mess. And then there's a woman that drops a scarf. Well, the fucking thing that sucks about those, they always like, hey, you wanna run on the beach and Malaga or whatever? You're like, yeah, is that your eye line's here. So you have to like run like this to see. Yeah.

I think it's better than running. It's better than running like I ran through the Thai forest the other day. And if you're running through the Thai forest, I've run through the Vietnamese forest and you run with your feet, or you're staring down so you don't see anything because you're watching roots and stuff.

But it's nice to be there and go like, oh, so that's what it looks like. Right. It's amazing they made running outdoors better indoors. Yeah. Yeah. They killed it. They killed it.

I gotta try VR porn. I'm afraid I'll never go back to regular sex. It'll kind of fuck you up. Have you done it? Yeah. I went in a hot air balloon on VR and I went on a hot air balloon in real life. Yeah. Same thing. I went in a hot air balloon on VR and I went on a hot air balloon in real life. Yeah. Same thing. I went on the landings. Have you ever

landed in a hot air balloon? Have I ever landed in a hot air balloon? It's fucking terrifying. I've seen again Instagram some wild fucking footage. Tom, they're all like that. Well, no, these are into like power lines, fucking exploding in flames and you're like, oh, fuck, or one that hits the ground at like 60 miles an hour. They all are like that. Did you see the one, did I say in the video of the guy who's like, isn't that parachuting? Is like paragliding and it doesn't open and he hits the bridge at 120 miles an hour, severs his legs.

No. Yeah, I'll send it to you. Thanks. And then he bleeds out. You showed me the one. We played this on one episode of the guy. Parashooting. Sometimes, I don't mean this disrespectfully,

but when you see people get hurt, base jumping and not dead, but like, paras gliding and stuff like that. It's almost like those prank white kids that go to black people and go kiss me on the mouth. Yeah. And then they knock them out. You're like, they deserve that. Yeah, sure. The one you showed me of the guy who lands on the mountain and then his shoe keeps dragging him and then he goes off and he starts paragliding again and then lands on another mountain. Yeah, he's getting dragged off. You like that one Have you seen this one the the the birthday wish one no this one's kind of crazy

Congratulations to Alex and Gail on getting married. Have fun in Hamburg and stay away from those oranges. Oh wait, oh stay away from those oranges. Stay away from those oranges, yeah. Are you got an orange up his head? Oh that's just shit. Wait, but look. Tom. Isn't that crazy? And you can, you can, I, you can, you can.

That's Naked Martin. You never seen any of his stuff? That's what they call him, is Naked Martin? Yeah. I would rebranded that. Well, Brownface Martin. Isn't that crazy that that's his that's his like hook? We use to pay more because you can hire him so you can eat him do like a naked wish or you can have him add the little bit at the end. Sometimes he puts it

in between bread and he eats it. it. And I was just saying they don't make movies like they used to. And then there's guys like they're just breaking the mold. Yeah. I remember when I was really heavy into promos, Yoshi hit me up. I think my TV or something was coming out. Yeah. My special secret time. Yeah. He goes, I thought you'd enjoy this. And it's this chick naked on a bed. She's like, hey everybody, make sure to watch Bert Kreischer's new special, what's the name? Shoves her hand in her ass and pulls out a piece of paper,

opens it and it goes, Secretime. Oh my God. I was like, give me, I can't use that. I can use it, but I can't use it. Yeah, yeah. That's really thoughtful of him. Yeah, I need to get on cameo. That's a that's not a bad How much do you see how much you have to pay to get him to wipe shit on his face? I don't remember do you remember? What would be your price point for wiping shit on my face? I'd be up there. Yeah

Let's see. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, order a video Christmas videos. Oh, I want an extreme video Doesn't say the... They'll send you a quote after you put in the request. Alright, first name, Albert. Let's just see. I want an extreme video. Yeah. Okay. Albert. No, no, no, what am I doing Albert? Joseph.

Rogan. We'll send it to Joe. Yeah. When's his birthday? It's in August. We'll sit on it for a while. Yeah. Hey, congrats on your podcast. We would like something completely original. No, no, is that the message that he's gonna say? Yeah, yeah. Congrats on your podcast. Oh, you have to write please say. Please say, congrats on your podcast.

Joe. Yeah. There you go. Joe, here's to many more insightful episodes. And then take a dump. Been a fan since News Radio. Yeah, and then it should just be... And take your time with it. Yeah, and then take a dump and put it in between two pieces of bread. And take a bite.

And then take a dump and put it in between two pieces of bread. And then take a bite. And then take a bite. And then take a dump and put it in between two pieces of bread and take a bite. I think Joe will like it. I think he'll be like, that's cool. He's seen a lot of crazy shit. He used to be the fucking, the honeypot for crazy shit. Yeah. Remember you'd run into him and he'd be like, you ever seen that guy, you had the fuck by horse to death? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Cool. All right, let's get a quote. That's really cool. Someone to close the venue. Say, I don't remember mine. Yeah. Well, I like her. She's great.

She's great. That fucking, that bothers me that her agents dropped her. That bothers me. Yeah. Like it just bothers me that her agents dropped her that bothers me Yeah, like it just bothers me that you'd have an agent that wouldn't be on set right so that was 2003 But in 1976 Robert De Niro is getting jerked off with with Gerard de Pardu dude I've said this a number of times like I'm a canary in the mind for woke. Okay. Yeah, like I am always I'm way ahead of woke culture you are oh, I was woke when I was woke with representation film when Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan.

Really? I was like, what the fuck, dude? You can't have a chick play Peter Pan. Wait, do they say we have a surprise gift? Yeah, I'll have him bring it in. Okay, what do you think this is? I don't know. Is it Bobby Lee?

We really don't know what this is. Ugh. You think it's edible because I was that was enough for me this I'm not hungry. Yeah. I hope it's chocolate You couldn't paint me to wipe shit on my face no you could yeah your own It's only my own. I'm not a wiping other people shit on my face Wait Yeah, it's my own shit. So it couldn't be someone I take I bet I could wipe shit on my face No, you definitely can I bet I could no you can but I like take a turn What if it was like one of the power dump you took it here where it's all over the

Those are the kind I do I shoot it in my hand and then I'd rub it through my hair Easily, I rub it on my face. My face would be a little what's your price point? Like a easy 100 million my hundred million dollars in a second. A hundred million dollars. I wipe shit on my face. Right, sure, nothing less than that. No, we're working it down. Okay, so let's say somebody offers you $25 million to wipe shit on your face.

You're gonna say no. What's this? Gentlemen. Yes. This is half a Bay Bucks and a habitat here for humanity. Would like to present a trophy to thank you for the houses that you guys have donated. Wow.

That's awesome. Put it in the center. So do you want to say that again in the microphone, Peter? Sure. The Tampa Bay Bucks and Habitat for Humanity have decided to get you guys a trophy to say thank you for the houses that you've donated. That's very nice. Thanks, Peter.

Of course. Fuck, yeah. Something tells me. Oh, I learned a valuable lesson in this house donation. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce this right now. I have remained charitable and I've remained a good person. I no longer put it on social media. Really? I no longer put my name on GoFundMe's

and I no longer tell you when I do really cool things. This episode of Two Bears One Cave is brought to you by NASCAR. The season's revving up and this week NASCAR is heading to Phoenix Raceway. There is nothing quite like the racing at Phoenix. It's always, it always promises insane action against the incredible backdrop of the desert mountains. Phoenix is just another hurdle for these drivers to get on the leaderboard early. So they're all coming into this race hungry. NASCAR will be back in Phoenix in November

to crown a champion. So stars like Denny Hamlin, Ross Chastain are ready to experience the championship track early and envision themselves lifting that huge championship trophy at the end of the season. Get ready for a wild ride in the desert and make sure to watch this one of a kind race. Call some friends, order some pizza

and tune into the NASCAR Cup Series Race on Sunday, March 10th at 3.30 PM Eastern on Fox and catch the new DocuSeries NASCAR full speed on Netflix to get an in-depth look at some of your favorite drivers. What's something that works so well that it's basically magic? Noise cancelling headphones, VR headsets. What about selling with Shopify?

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cancer and I'm gonna go party with her but I'm not telling you who it is and I'm not putting it on social media. Really? Yeah. Where are you gonna take her? We're gonna party our balls off. Heronicologist said it was okay but I'm not gonna I'm not gonna tell anyone about it. I'll tell you, but I'm not gonna, cause like old school Burt would be like, let's share this. But I realized it's about intrinsic value.

So this house is the last thing I donate publicly where I want credit. I've grown. I still continue to give to charity. Like we gave a lot of money to Comedy Gives Back. A lot. Never, like I see them in there like cool, but. I've learned.

Okay, okay. That's very cool. I'm very impressed. So this is the final gift. Okay. Out loud, I'll still give, but not out loud. Where do you wanna, you can take this, you wanna take it to your place?

You can take it. Oh yeah, fuck yeah. All right. What was the saying on it? Read it. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Holiday Home Build. Bert Kreischer and Tom Zagor, I thank you for your incredible generous donation.

You have truly made a difference in the Tampa Bay community. Bert Kreischer, you, my friend, are one of the funniest comedians we've ever had. Ever grace the stages of the Amelie Arena. Tom's girl will be playing the Amelie in March. March that shows probably. So loud. Yeah. I think it's going to be in the round sold more tickets than me, but whatever.

I grew up there. Go fuck yourself, Tampa. Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a tap through your pants. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. This is very nice. That's really cool. Thanks, Bucks.

I learned a very valuable lesson in this. Is charity can be done silently. Well, then that's a really cool thing that you grew. Yeah, I grew in this whole process. Yeah. So I feel really this whole process. Yeah. So I feel really good about myself. Let's go back to what price point you would need to shit on your face.

Okay. So 25 million, yeah, obviously. I mean, obviously. Obviously 25 million. All right, let's cut it down. Okay. 10 million dollars. 10 million, I shit on my face.

I throw up for a little bit. It's 10 million dollars. It's 10 million dollars, I shit on my face, yes. Okay, a million $10 million. It's $10 million. I shit on my face. Okay. A million. A million no taxes. Just a nice cool meal. Cool meal. Cool meal.

It takes it takes fucking 20 million dollars. I shit on my face. Yeah. All right. A million dollars. I shit on my face. Two hundred fifty thousand dollars. No. Really? That's okay. Keep going up though. $400,000. No.

$500,000. No. $750,000. $750,000. $750,000. I'll shit on my face. You know there's enough like billionaires out there that if one of them has a... Make it happen.

Make it happen. You want a private video? I'll say stay away from oranges on your trip to Venezuela and I'll shit on my face for $750,000 and I'll give it a charity. Wow. Now that's incentive. Can somebody send this to Mark Cuban? Mark Cuban. Yeah. If you're listening, Mark, I will. My name is Burk Rys, so I'm a standup comedian. I'm gonna shit my hand and wipe it on my face. And then I'm gonna say, Mark Cuban has been generous enough to donate $750,000 to have a tap for humanity.

Mark, you could do a lot of change in the Dallas area. Yeah, man. And I will shit my hand and wipe it on my face. What's your price point? Mark, let's really make a change in the Dallas area. Yeah. A million dollars you shit in your face Yeah, you donated to charity sure

Sure. Yeah. Yes Fuck I can't believe you. Yeah Yeah But here's the catch mark You gotta be in the room with us you gotta be in the room and you cover the taxes. You know how that works Yeah, you cover the taxes. Yeah, I Bet he's that's 1.75 million dollars to charity. We will shit in our hands Do I how like I'm gonna have to put it in your mouths under noses, right?

I mean wipe it across our foreheads. I think you just gotta rub it over your face like Martin did Here's the real the real trouble is gonna be having a solid shit like Martin did. That's a big difference. Well the real trouble is us shitting at the same time. We've gotta time our meals out for like a week and get in sync like women's do with their period and then get our shits down

and then we gotta get Mark Cuban in the room. And then I'm gonna call you that week. You're like ready? You're like no, but you gotta go now. And I'm not ready. You start giving yourself amroids. I bet there's you that week. Like ready? You're like, no, but you gotta go now. I'm not ready. Just you start giving yourself amroids. I bet there's someone that has more money than Mark Cuban. Yeah.

That can really get Mark Cuban to shit in his hand and wipe it on his face. That would take an enormous sum of money. Warren Buffett. Yeah, I mean, if Warren Buffett's like, Mark, you know something? You know what, you know. I'm getting up there and one thing I haven't seen.

Yeah. Why are you $6 billion? there and one thing I haven't seen. Yeah. Oh, why are you six billion dollars? What if we could change? What if we could change a country with the shit on the face? Like, what if we could change the country by me, you and Mark Cuban shitting in our hands and wiping on our face? Mark is not in, bro.

Mark's a fucking he's a, bro. Mark's a fucking... He's a fun guy. He's a businessman, yeah. Okay. But, okay, what if... Because you know someone would pony up that money to see Mark Cuban's shit on his head. You know how much money you have to give Mark Cuban for him to be like, Yeah, that's worth it. No, you just gotta pull his heartstrings. But he's just gonna be like, let's just do the donation.

Like, let's just figure this donation. Like let's figure this out. I don't want to shit in my hand. Fuck. I have a lot of things going on. I don't need to do this. How much is the logic in it, Mike? I guess God, he's like, I do business. I know that's not how this works. The fabric's got to be hard for me to say, course I did. Everyone's going to be like, why'd you do that? I don't know.

The fabric's got to be hard for me to say, course I did. Everyone's going to be like, why'd you do that? I don't know. The fabric's got to be hard for me to say, course I did. Everyone's going to be like, why'd you do that. And it's pure wrong. Everyone would be like, no, you should have just been one time. It was for charity, though. Ha ha ha ha. There's probably, there's definitely a better.

Ha ha ha ha. There's a billionaire who's into that, for sure. You know there's gotta be a billionaire that's like hearing this and taking it off. He's not American. Pull up the list of the fucking the world's wealthiest 400 people. There's definitely some creeps out there.

Hold on. There's absolutely real-time billionaires. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Elon Musk lives here. He lives here. You know he'd be into that. He'd be into it. he'd be into it he'd be into it You know, so you guys gonna shit your hands

See I think I think Sergei is kind of fun. I think he might be into it As a watch all right, let's go to 11 here. We've got to get to the foreigners. They're the ones that are Yeah, Bloomberg's not gonna do here. We've got to get to the foreigners. They're the ones that are in this mall. Yeah, Bloomberg's not going to do it. He's running for president. Who is that? What is it? Mukesh Ambani? What's this guy all about?

No. What's this guy? How did he make his money? Oh yeah, he's in, bro. Let's see how he made his fucking money. Mukesh Ambani. Yeah, let's see here. He chairs and runs the $110 billion

reliance industries, which has interest in petrochemicals, oil and gas, telecom. We learned this on a past episode, everybody. India is only good for one thing, and it's fucking oil. Yeah. MuKesh, I think you're on the list. I think he was sitting next to me at fucking Eddie V's last night. Really?

I think so. Mr. Ambani? He was walking around like he owned a place. His hair's got a little gray though. Yeah, did he have shit all over his face? Ha ha ha ha. Mugkesh Ambani. Yeah, okay.

Can someone that works with Mugkesh please get this video? Can you get this to Mugkesh? Go back to the list please. We're gonna make our way down. We're going to foreigners only. Slim, I don't think's in. Ortega, he's on like looks like he's he's getting he's 87 oh he's got to put that on his bucket list come on let's send a message to Amancio or tega sir senor if you would like to donate a large sum of money some money. Caca en la cabeza. Caca en la facha.

Okay. Well, how about Goddaman Dhani? Oh, Goddaman Dhani. He's a, he might be into it. He's in India also. Michael Dell is here in town also, but. For real? Yeah, he lives here.

I've got a shit, all justice talking of shit. The Waltons. Yeah, they really have some crazy. That's crazy. Rob Walton and Jim Walton and Alice Walton. They're all billion and they did they over in Walmart. Well, they're dad. For real. Yeah. What a cheat code. Yeah. They should make them earn it. Yeah. I bet they just stepped in like in that great show succession. Who's this fucking guy? Nothing. David Tom. See, long. That's the thing is like...

I think we're either gonna get it with a really old guy or a really young guy. Oh, it's gonna be a young guy. A guy with parties and gets it. Oh, yeah, Zong might be in. Zong's in. Let's send it to Zong, sir. $59 billion. You could totally get this video, sir. He would not miss 1.75.

Not at all. Throwing another 1 million for Mark Cuban. Yeah. Oh. Ugh. That was fucking tuna. Now, here's the thing. Charles Cawke, that's one of the biggest.

Coo-lawn Wang. Coo-lawn Wang. Here's the thing, Cawke is a super right wing guy. I know the Cawks. And maybe he's into like, I know the Cawks. I'm king of shit, you know? I know the Cawks. Well into like, I know the cock. So do I know the cock. Shit, you know. I know the cock. Well, it's, it's. Or do they say Coke? They say Coke. They say Coke, right? Is it Coke? Coke. Yeah, it's Coke.

They're so much, they have so much money, they change their name to Coke. They make you pronounce it different. Kulan Wang. You mean this, tell me that Kulan Wang wouldn't entertain this idea? Dude, he's cool. He parties. He gets dude. He's cool. He parties he gets 43 He's 40 younger than us. Yeah, dude. Look at that expression. He's I got two white guys a shit on their face today Looks like it looks like somebody just told him, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, do it again I'll give you another million. He's like you did what how great would we get if we got cool on Wang fucking high on coke in a fucking Vegas penthouse and he just has a Just other big Asian dudes with hogs holding briefcases going do it again. Keep shitting

Mr. Quang's gonna jerk off from watch. Okay What's the who a deeter Schwarz? That's their people are into that. That's right. It's German deeter how about Zhang Yeming and Prajago Pangestu? Yeah, at least, I see. Oh, that's a Bezos X right there in Mackenzie Scott. Shut up. She might be bored. She's just Jeff Bezos X and she's a billionaire?

Well, yeah. that's the divorce settlement All right, 41 billion dollars You would be shot. I'd let Jeff Bezos smear his shit on my face And that's an offer Jeff. Yeah. Yeah, that's just Amazon shares Betty shut up Phil night Yeah, he's still kicking the fucking coach nuts. Not the coach. No, no, thank you founder Who's Phil who am I thinking of you're thinking of Bob Knight. I'm thinking of Phil Jackson. Oh, okay Giovanni Ferrero Italians they might be into mark Matias I think went to high school with that guy. He's 31. No, I didn't John Mars mark he's the mark Matias Is not only 31 the source of the money is Red Bull.

They always are into some wild shit. They do weird stunts, fly a fucking helicopter with a bike that lands on a mountaintop. How about a couple of shit? Red Bull gives you wings, wipes shit on our face. Wipes shit on our face. That's a great campaign for Red Bull. And it all goes to charity.

Do you think we could bounce back with our comedy careers after wipes shit on our face? Fine, absolutely. Yeah, right. It's our brand. It's totally on brand. It's be tough for Mark Cuban to bounce back. Ken Griffey Jr. No.

Ken Griffey Jr. is a fucking billionaire? No, that's Ken Griffin. Oh. Hedge funds. Jesus Christ. The Worthimers are at what do they own? A haberdashery? I don't know.

They both have hats. Ha ha ha. That's kind of, they're both dressed like German villains in the 30s. They're fucking heirs of Chanel. I don't mean is that perfume? The brand, you know, the luxury. What do they do with it? Chanel is like, yeah, it is a luxury brand. I mean, it's clothes and bags and... How do we go from selling merch to luxury brands? I don't know. I really am. I'm not sure. But I think there's somebody on this list that can see the upside of participating in this.

Come on. Fucking Lee Cushing, you know what's up, dude. Klaus Michael Coon. He's in Shiv Nadar. What do you think there's a billionaire that really listens? It's like, please don't say my name. Please don't say my name. William Ding. William Ding. Do you think there's a billionaire that really listens? It's like, please don't say my name. Please don't say my name.

Yeah, William Ding. William Ding. Dude, there's so many people on this list. And Gina, she's not, she doesn't have that much going on. I mean, you got money, but what was the last time you had a guy off from somewhere? Gina, Ryan, I see the red mark going down. You're losing billions.

We can help your mining company in Australia. And all you got to, and dude, Australians are wild people. They try to be out of shoes. You know she wants to see someone shit on their face. Come on, it's a fucking, it's a nickel for you. How much to wipe your wife's shit on your face? Same. I'd do it.

Yeah. Quicker probably. Not your wife, my wife. Abigail Johnson, I know her. You know her? No, but what's she do? Fidelity, oh, know her you know her no, but what she do fidelity Oh, I don't know her that picture. She's 62 I wonder who like the the the dog in this group is like where they make fun of them

They're like yeah, but your own Walmart how she's 62. Whoo. She looks good for 62. Yeah Abigail Johnson can get it. Oh her dad was the Chairman okay, I bet she's great books Abigail Johnson can get it. Oh, her dad was the chairman. Okay. I bet she's great. She looks great. She looks great. Yeah, she's not interested. She's not interested in the pitch.

There's no way Abigail Johnson would let us shit in our hands and wipe up our face. Abigail Johnson looks like the kind of person that looks at that and goes, no. Bert, most people are in that category. Abigail Johnson's like, fuck no. I just want one video of one billionaire hearing our offer and going, what's in it for me? About Low Truck Kwon. Oh, I thought that was a trucking company.

I thought he did tow trucks. Come on, low, low truck kwang. Big low? German, Larry, Moda, Velasco. He had man. Fucking, oh, is that how you say it? Yeah. What's that in English?

Like maybe Herman. His name's Herman. Yeah. Herman. Mining. I'm telling you, you know that the mining comes. Let's go through this. We need to get a mining fucking,

we need to get into mining. Yeah. Well, I don't know what the fuck we're doing launching a vodka. You don't see one fucking vodka company up there. No, you don't. You see all mining companies. Scroll down.

We need a fucking mining company. How much do you invest in a mining company? Cheese? Cheese, hold on. Emanuel. Oh, that would be great for his cheese company. My cheese doesn't back you up. These two guys can shit in their hands and wipe it on their face. Emanuel Basser. The largest dairy farm with two billion in sales. The largest dairy farm with two billion in sales. Jesus.

How much? So that's kind of a no brainer business. You buy a couple cows and just wait it out. You wait it out. And they keep having babies, keep having babies, keep having babies. Keep making cheese, keep making cheese. Do you think if you put your dick in one of those milking things that you come? What?

You know what they milk cows with now? Oh, those like, yeah, they're just like flesh lights. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Probably you think there's got to be a dairy farmer that's tried it You've seen the videos of the chicks doing it to horses, right and they're always like laughing Yeah, pull it up. You've never seen that. Nope. I've seen a horse come Where? Just all over the back of another horse

They tie their tail over to the side, Because I guess they, maybe they were trying, I don't know, it was during a TV show or shooting. There's like on these farm, they got a Mexican dude stroking the horse's cock to keep it hard. And I was like, don't shake hands with that guy. And then they bring it out and the fucking, they tie the horses tail to the side

and the pussy is throbbing. It's called like this. Uh huh. And then the guy, the pussy is throbbing. It's called like this. Uh-huh. And then the horse gets on it, literally three pumps and it's done. Blast. Whoa. Look at Raven. It's hot, right?

Wait, show, I to see hand and horse. Yeah. And that's how you're supposed to come, right? Horses come probably. What's the. Can you find a video of an actual when they're when they have the device with the. You know, I mean, or why are they doing this just to like relax the horse?

Yeah, I guess. But she hasn't slept in a while. Well, usually. Usually. She's just got done more than doing morning radio. They usually have the. The. He's just exhausted.

Long long ride this morning. Yeah, the. Who decides the horse needs to come? I think she just loves the horse needs to come? I think she just loves that horse. You think? Yeah. She's just taking care of them. Wait, are we supposed to be doing that to our animals? Yeah. Don't you have any pets? Yes, but I'm not jacking Mac off.

Why not? How big is he? 150 pounds. Dude, that'd be rad. He's got a hog. Does he? Yeah. Big balls or you had him... Well, they're gone. Leanne took all our balls. Yours too. Mine are gone too.

That's crazy. You can jack off a horse and no one says anything. They're just like, that's a great farmer. Yeah. No, yeah, it's unreal, right? I think they've used to make people drink horse come on fear factor Really? Yeah horse come that's crazy that that's crazy I'm stuck on the fact I keep going back to this things have changed so much

Yeah, you can't drink horse come on television anymore, and that was like Monday night. Yeah NBC, right? Monday night on NBC people would drink horse come insane and and for $25,000 And we're at a cool 1.75 to wipe shit on our face Hmm. I bet there's people in this country that would do it for less for sure without a doubt. Yeah, of course If you're struggling and somebody's like hey, I got a proposal for you Oh, yeah, there's girls that suck dick for cracks. So I'm sure they'd like show like for $200 people do shit like that. Yeah.

That should be a game show. How much will you wipe shit on your face for? We're about to find out. That's the show. That's the correct emails. Rogan back. Well, we asked him to eat it. That's another level. I hope he doesn't see this when he writes back, my price is 1.75 and I need more Cuban

in the room. You know this list we were talking about is pretty interesting. The five best? What's that? Oh, there's five. It goes back to what you can't do in movies anymore. Right. Like you cannot have a girl jerk off two actors. That's no, no, no. They have intimacy coaches and there would, there would never go. Maybe,

but maybe in France or Italy it would. Yeah. In Europe somewhere. For sure. I don't even do more foreign films. What do you mean? Why don't we don't what you mean? We usually be doing foreign films like that. Yeah So like I booked a role I get jerked off by a French chicken at bed with Tom What's it about? I don't know 1900s It's a period piece but like they like what I'm obsessed with I'm obsessed with it and is Leonardo DiCaprio was by far the best special needs actor ever.

When he did Gilbert Grape. When he did Gilbert Grape. He's better than anyone I've ever seen. I wonder what it is about that performance that is. The dirt on his lips. That's what you buy. The dirt on his face, the dirt, he, I. Cause that's a rough one.

And that was a, you know, that, the big joke, right? Everybody ended up talking about it was in Tropic Thunder, right? The simple Jack thing and, and uh. Simple Jack made me laugh so fucking hard. Terrarious, but. Couldn't make that movie anymore. That whole, yeah, for sure.

But that whole conversation was, you can't go too far. Yeah. And then Robert Downey Jr.'s character is Tellen Ben Stiller, who's playing that actor, he's like, you can't go all the way. If you go full or worded, then. Red skin.

Full red skin. Then, and then he actually gave real examples, right? He goes where he goes, Sean Penn, pull them up, pull up all the actors who played special needs people because now what's crazy is they did it in life goes on. They hired Corky, who was a special needs person. So my question to you, Tom is top five special needs actors playing a special

needs person, top five actors playing great special needs people where it's believable. And then right top five who really didn't miss the mark. And I have number one in my head right now. Okay. So Tom Hanks did Forrest Gump, which is an iconic character. Did he win for that? Did he win Oscar? I think so. Do you know? And then, let's see. So yeah, Dustin Hoffman did...

Tootsie. No, he did Rain Man. Sorry. Rain Man. Sorry. Rain Man was... We couldn't do Tootsie anymore. Yeah, but Rain Man was iconic. That didn't that win an Oscar? My girlfriend got canceled. My wife got canceled for it because she was gonna play a trans Woman

This is the one that they referenced in the movie. I am Sam Sean Penn went full. He went full Throttle you just pull a clip of Sean Penn going full on I am Sam I want to see if it's as bad as Rosie O'Donnell. Have you ever seen Rosie O'Donnell? Yes. Rosie rides the bus? Yes.

And she missed the mark. So is it down to nuance, you think? I think that she didn't spend enough time with them. Really? I think you got it. Because Giovanna Robisi and Juliette Lewis had, they did my sister's something and my sister's wedding or something and Giovanna Robisi was believable.

He was really good and she was pretty good. She was pretty good and I would argue she was better than that than any other role she's ever done. She's awesome. I mean, she's fucking great. She's fucking amazing, but she really kind of killed it But she didn't go like she's just had a hint of it. Well, that's the whole I am Sam Do we need headsets? No, no

Okay, I Don't hear anything. I haven't had a lot of time Think about what it is that makes somebody a good parent. And it's about a constancy and it's about Patience and it's about listening and it's about and it's about Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here?

Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here?

Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? Can I say something here? I think he's and I made it as best I could touched enough Perfekies and I'm not a perfect parent and sometimes I don't have enough good play Gilbert Grape Leo is the best one Leo is the bet this is his best acting role in my opinion that he's ever done He I mean hold on hang on so okay

Okay, I'm gonna pick apart what was wrong with Sean Penn's. Okay. His hair looked good. Right. Their hair never looks good. Like, I mean, you know what I mean. It's like, I'm just saying, like, look, I follow a lot of special needs people

who's like sister's hot and then she takes care of her brother. What, is this bad to say? Whatever, I follow it. And then they're like, and like her brother's a Raiders fan and then they get Raiders gear and he gets excited Yeah, and like and but like Leo's hair in this is like is the hair is important

Yeah, and Sean Penn's hair was perfect in that. He looked like a model in it. So you're like hair was really good Yeah, so he has a fucking combed up hairdo look at Leo. Oh look at fucking Leo so good. And what is he 16 here? Oh I bet he's even younger. We're gonna have people come that early because you have some appetizers. Oh yeah that'd be good. You know those little buying sausage things. You think she's still around? She just died. She did? Yeah. Oh I was thinking it's... Oh it's a lot of dog. Little pretzels. You know like those Hawaiian appetizers that they make with, you get pineapple chunks out of the can and you wrap them with little pieces of

Bacon and you pull pick through how do you cook the bacon in the oven on a pan? But the bacon's not gonna be crisp if you bake it in the oven on a sheet. Yes, it was nobody Oh Okay, dad Oh, okay, dad. Alan. What are you doing? Shut up. Dad's dead.

Arnie. Dad's dead. Arnie. Arnie. Dad's dead. Okay. Shut up, dad. Dad's dead.

Dad's dead. Dad's dead. He's got, he's embodied, he's embodied. And like he sincerely embodies that character. Imagine being in the room and with him at this age and being like, you're so good at this, you're gonna fuck top shelf pussy for the rest of your life. Like they're gonna age out at you when they're 25.

Isn't that unbelievable? If you had said one person in that thing was gonna be known as the greatest actor in our generation. Yeah You would never say actually it's two of them Johnny Depp and Leon are yeah, Johnny Depp is gorgeous. His hair is perfect. He was radio. Oh my god pull-up radio Billy Bob Thornton swing blade Bad motherfucker. That's that's one of the best ones. That's one of the best.

So what is it that makes it pull up his haircut and swing blade? Is it a, who's John Bain? Who's John Bain? I don't know, but he looks halfway there. I know, but I bet he's a sleeper one. Hard sun. Adrian Brody, when did Adrian Brody?

I don't know. He's done it all. The Village? The Village? The Village? The Village? The Village? The Village?

The Village? The Village? The Village? The Village? The Village? What everyone in Hollywood does someone does something great and they go I want to do that I want to do that pull up fucking Lenny from a my son, man. I want to pet the rabbits I want to pet the rabbits Fuck I love this. Tell me about the alfalfa George Gary Sinise is gorgeous It's in the eyes to man. Yeah. It's in the eyes too, man. Yeah.

It's in the eyes. I'll tell you. So you can see. See how lost he looks? It's good blinking. Oh, I got to cry in class when I saw that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to cry right now.

Yeah. Guys like us, they got no family. And they ain't got nobody in the world to give the hootin' hell about us. But, but not us, that's it, George. But not us. Tell about us now. It sounds exactly what my boys call us. Because.

Because I got you. And I got you, George. That's what gives a hoot in the hell about us. George, but tell now how it's going to be. We're going to get a little place. Okay. We're going to get a little plate and we're gonna have... We have a cow. Some pigs. We're gonna have maybe chicken. Down the flat we'll have a little field.

Feed the alfalfa for the rabbits. The rabbits. And I get the tender rabbit. Oh, fuck. We should redo this scene for the podcast. I'm crying. I know. I'm Lenny. Yeah, I'm definitely Lenny. Yeah. And that's me right there. Like, fuck, can't believe I finally did it. Every fucking actor saw this scene and said I want to play a special needs person. Oh yeah. That's the, that's one of the best scenes in any, I cried in like ninth grade when we watched it in class.

That's one of the best scenes in a movie. I want to feed the rabbits. Hmm. It's a great movie. Great book. There's a book? Nice. I'm kidding.

God damn it. Yeah, that's fucking so then you can't cry when you see champagne because his hair is too good. Yeah. And he's doing too much. He's doing too much with his hands. God damn it. Do you think special needs parents were bothered by that movie?

Like, do you think? Which one? Which movie? I'm certain that's what I am, Sam. I mean, like, do you think like so they stop doing that because Special needs parents were like, you know, that's not my kid right right. You're not doing my kid like so that's the threshold It's like it's like it's like It's like it's like that's about analogy, but it's like it's like white guys who can get away and say in the n-word Like black guys there's certain white guys that say it black guys go. He's it's cool

And so there's certain roles certain actors that when they play that character The parents that that's who would be outraged the parents go no now You're making a mockery of it. Oh and when you watch Len Bysamene, you're so lost in that scene that you go, fuck. And then when you watch Arnie, you're like, oh my God. But then when you see radio, you're like, that's not my kid. Too much. It's too much.

You're like, you can't say the N word. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, now you're just saying it on stage to say, get away with it. Right, right, right. And so, who are the worst ones that played it? Well, you said Rosie. Have you ever seen Rosie or Donald? I don't remember.

Type on Rosie rides the bus. This is the opposite of crying. This is so bad. This is like if if I'm excited. If Ted Danson's worried about that blackface video. Oh, shit, I just spilled my coffee. OK, it's all it's alright okay hold on she's dressed like

ah who's racing you know you're always first with me, Beth. Every day you're a first person on my bus. Yeah. So you'd kill somebody to get on first? I wouldn't. I wouldn't kill.

It's got no place to go. Just rides around all day. So it's a free country. I'm a person. I buy my bus pass for 40 bucks and I I'm first always so that's why I'm first Yeah, you do not in the government doll what you do something useful in your life. Okay, Henry Where is Beth going today I'm gonna go to Elma now I'm gonna catch a buzz with Rick Rick is here you are. A buzz with Rick. No, a doctor!

He has a green card. He's cute The green card is cute. Yeah. I think he's gonna take me for a ride in it. What about your boyfriend? How much? Okay, two things. Shoot.

Some of the performances that are amazing are also in amazing stories of Mice and Men. Gilbert Grave. Gilbert Grave, Rain Man, the Slingslay. So that's going to color it too. Like this, I don't know what this is, but I don't think it's that level of a story. Yeah. So I think what they were doing plays a big part in it.

It's, you know what it is? It's them going like, you're going to be an action hero. And everyone goes, I want to be an action hero. Of course. And they're like, well, in this one, you're an action hero who gets amnesia. And you're like, I think I've heard that story before. But your ego takes part of it. And you go, I just want to be an action hero.

That's what's happening. I think they all wanted Oscars. They all wanted an Oscar. They all wanted an Oscar. That was called Rosie Rides the Bus? I don't know. That's what it's saved as in my phone. I watch it a lot.

You watch that a lot? It just creeps me out and reminds me I'm not doing that bad. Like I watch that and I go, your special is pretty good. It's not riding the bus with my sister. Oh, oh, it's a TV film. See you could tell it. So it's a hallmark.

Oh, oh, I'll tell you what the f**k is this. Did she get nominated for like a Emmy or something? A Razzie, maybe. Really? There's gotta be like a critical. Yeah, scroll down. Scroll down. It's gotta be like a critical... Yeah, scroll down. Scroll down. It's got to be like differences from the book.

Oh, you couldn't see her. Reception? OK. OK. Oh, the film received negative reviews over the top. Over the top. Susan and I pee we hermeneut said. He did.

It's not like, Opie and Anthony said that. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Go to buy a hat. Simon said it's point moving powerful film. Okay. It was a rating success, but okay. Yeah.

Well, what sucks is I feel bad for it because you know they, you know, I'm certain they probably got a couple of special needs families and then was like, we want you guys on set. What sucks is I feel bad for, because you know they, you know, I'm certain they probably got a couple of special needs families. And then was like, we want you guys on set. We want you to be at the premiere. And some poor fucking family had to sit through a premiere of that. Or how about being on set when they're like,

hey, bud, and then Rosie's like, hey, you guys want a Snickers or something? Right there, it was crafty. And then she's like, I got to shoot my scene now. And they're like, oh, fuck. Like that's so uncomfortable for the kid to see in front of him. And he's like, oh, I don't talk like that.

Yeah, they're like, I'm always first. What about the best? Because Johnny Knoxville had a great, a ton of great special needs actors in his movie. He did. By the way, I still think great special needs actors in his movie. He did. Which by the way, I still think the ringer is one of the funniest fucking movies. It's great.

And it's funny because it's in, I think the Farley Brothers did it, right? The Farley Brothers? Yeah, fairly. Yeah, I don't remember. I don't remember. But they, but even I see outtakes of that all the time because they're apparently that it was all special needs

actors in it. And so they, and that was the time because they're apparently that it was all special needs actors in it. And so they, and that was the very beginning of, of inclusion. Except what's the, what's the, what's the actor, the hearing impaired actress that's like an Oscar winner? Madeline Albright. Not at Madeline. Madeline Albright. Not Madeline. I just listened to documentary about her today. All bright not at Madeline all bright. I'm a little I just listened to documentary about her today Artie Arlen Arlen Artie Lee Ardeline Arle. I'm close

Mary Arden Madeline Mary Mary Madeline There you are Marlene Madeline. I knew I was close. Yeah Marlene Madeline, but she only plays deaf people, but she's deaf. Yeah, but she doesn't do I guess you couldn't that's you realize what I'm thinking I was like if she only does deaf people. Yeah. She's deaf. She's deaf. She can't. She can't.

She can't. She can't. She can't. She can't. She can't. In my head, I was like, she hasn't done any like just regular hearing people. Right. Because she can't.

I think she has. No. Yeah. Right. Because she can't, she can't. I think she has. No. Yeah. No. Yes, she's played full hearing parts before. No. Yes. No, but she still sounds deaf when she talks.

All right. But she has to play a deaf person. I think she's played characters. Lou Frigno's deaf. Yeah, yeah. Hold on, hold on. Play Marlee Matlin talking. She's because she sounds deaf, right? I don't remember the one movie she played in the swimming pool.

Are we gonna get canceled for this? No, I don't think so either. Okay. We're joined by Marley's interpreter or producing partner Jack Jason. Good to see you again. See you too. On with a guest host, but we have known each other for a long time. Do you remember where we met? We met. Yeah, she doesn't talk. No, she talks.

Ages, they go. No, she doesn't talk. She's just doing that here. She talks. She's not doing that thing. Why would she do that there? She doesn't talk. Okay, hold on.

Welcome back everybody. Okay. The time I have been waiting and waiting. Yeah, she doesn't talk, Tom. And waiting and waiting. Okay, hold on Yeah, she doesn't talk Tom Cuz why wouldn't she just talk well, then I'm thinking of some way she does fucking the sign language hot as fuck Yeah, okay, what deaf actually speaking with her voice? There you go This is not a great quality video. She said, kiss my ass.

No, she kicked my ass. She's not going to play like a fucking, they're not going to have her in a role and not mention that she's dead. Because everyone's like, let's hope it's a fucking doctor. The doctor's eating during the surgery. Okay, we should wrap this up. We gotta clean up the coffee. Wait, hold on.

Playup family guy Marley Matlin. Paper towels. I just want to see them. Great, we'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marley Matlin calling movie phone. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The last meme scene.

I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now the last memtee I'm sorry I didn't catch that please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now the last memtee you have selected 300 as bad as you think we might have gotten on this episode never as bad as the guy you have confirmed 300 fucking Seth MacFarlane yeah I'd love to have dinner with him have you ever met that guy no I do you think he's cool yes for real yeah I I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room.

I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room.

I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room.

I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. I'm in the same room. Like when you're stuck on story and just bang bang like putting it together and just like he's he's a genius at that shit He's he's family guy is Okay, let's wrap this up. Okay fat top five animated shows It's got to be family guy simpsons south park south They're the best. Why are they so good? Those guys are like

Amazing. Why are they but why are they so good? Those guys are amazing. But why are they so good? You know I sat on a plane next to Trey Parker one time. How'd that go? Trey's a curly haired one. No. I sat on the next to Matt Stone one time. Uh-huh. And I'm going to give you one guess to tell.

One guess. What do you think I did on a plane next to Matt? You're the greatest. You're the best. I love your show. You're awesome. I'll give you one more guess I told who you were you told in the machine story boom you did I? Didn't know he was Matt Parker I'm a stone. I didn't know he's Matt stone and and I sat next to him and I said So what do you do? I was drinking pretty aggressively and he was like, I'm a writer, comedy writer.

And I went, Oh, I'm a comedian. He was like, Oh, cool. He's really kind. Like he was like, he did the thing where he just didn't tell me about himself. He was either the thing you'd do and then I did the Bert thing. I was like, I'm pretty big deal. And he was like, really? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was like, he was like, uh, Tell me where I can find some of your stuff and they at that time Become my minions had animated me in a South Park video like they'd use South Park to animate the machine story I think I showed it to him. He's like hey, I showed a South Park video to the creator of South Park you didn't know about my fucking story How did it? How did you figure out who it was? I figured it out at baggage claim. Someone was like the fucking South Park guy sent next to you. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

I just told him the machine story, showed him the South Park video and was like, wasn't that cool? Those South Park guys really kill it. Yeah, that's a perfect. That's a perfect. I was I was that's one of the ones I take back because I didn't know who it was Yeah, I just like a how often if you meet somebody now do you tell them do you legit in person be like? Tell that bring up the machine story. Oh

Not not not now back then I did a lot a lot a lot I mean did do it to George R. R. Morton the other day, but yeah, I do like I I'll do it like like I got recognized at the concert. It's like sometimes sometimes the communication is I can make I can skinny it up if you let me. So like this girl comes up she's like hey and I was like hey she's with her friend they're both pretty fucking drunk. I was like hey she goes how are you doing? I said good and she goes I know you and I went I don't think so.

She goes, went to school together, grade school together. And I said, no, she goes, you're from Denver. And I said, no. She goes, yeah, you have, you're from, where are you from? How do I know you? And I said, I'm famous. She went, no, you're not. And I went, okay, I'm not.

And she went, no, where are you from? And I said, Tampa. She goes, no, I know you. And I said, you know me because I'm famous. And she went, you're not fucking famous. And then her friend turned around and goes, I don't know who the fuck you are. That's cool.

And then I was like, okay. I was like, I didn't start this guys. And then the girl goes, he's not fucking famous. And she goes, what makes you famous? And I go, well, I'll tell you the fact that you think we grew up together is the reason I can tell you that I'm famous. Because you've seen me before, you don't know where.

And I'll tell you in a second and you're gonna know. And she went, who are you? And I said, I got involved with the Russian Mop in Robert Traini. She goes, oh you're the Sherlock's comedian. And I went, yeah. And she goes, oh shut the fuck up. And then she took her friend, she goes, that's Burke Reiser. And then her friend goes, oh I know who you are. And I was like, yeah, why the fuck wouldn't you just have been nice at the beginning when you thought we went to fucking grade school together? I'm not from fucking Denver. I swear to God, I'm not saying that like, I'm not saying that like, I would ever be a serial killer,

but if I was gonna be, I would have a good defense in that one. I've been like, it was exhausting. I just killed both of them and put them in refrigerator. Yeah. You're on our own famous. You're on our famous, okay. We got a wrap.

Thank you to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for sending the trophy. Hey Matt Parker and Tray Stone have a ton of fucking money Tray Parker and Matt Stone Matt Parker and Tray Stone. Yeah, have a ton of fucking money Oh, they might be into shitting on your gentlemen if you're just getting this is Bert Krascher I sat next to you on a plane one time showed you my South Park video of my machine story You know who I am 1.75 million is what we're looking for. 1.75 million for me and Tom to wipe shit on our faces

and donate it to charity. I guarantee you that's pissing money. You get it. They just brought Castle Bonita. Yeah, that's right. They just brought Castle Bonita as a lark. As a lark. It's jennigan.

First commercial break, you make your fucking 1.75. Let's talk. Let's let's talk Let's talk we'll wipe shit on our face and you can donate that money to charity mark Cuban's gonna be in the room It's gonna be great right now. They're going hold on mark Cuban. You're listening. Yeah, the whole episode gentlemen Thanks for listening to the South Park guys. We're big fans, too. Thank you mark Cuban all you billionaires We got mad respect for you and special needs actually go all the way. I think we did a really good job representing special needs people today. We did too.

I think we did. And I would say it was touch and go with deaf people. Yeah, but they're not listening. Overall, it was great. By the way, if you show this to Marlene Madeline with the fucking subtext, you're a cunt, okay? Yeah. Just don't show it to her. Show it to her.

Or show it to her. Yeah, show it to her. All right. I love you. Bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave