2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Summer Bears Came For The Winter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

SPONSORS: - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at https://Ethos.com/BEARS - Head to https://DRINKAG1.com/BEARS you’ll get the welcome kit, a Morning Person hat, a bottle of Vitamin D3+K2, a AG1 Flavor Sampler and you’ll get to try their new sleep supplement AGZ for free. - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. Christmas CAME early! The Summer Bears are now the *Winter Bears* and they have returned to phone it in and fulfill some contractually obligated laughs. Chris Distefano and Stavros Halkias invade YMH Studios to talk awful breakfast decisions, Bert’s cruise from hell, fat-guy medicine science, Husky-induced life chaos, bombing on MTV, fighting GLP-1 drugs, Mike Tyson saving Big Pun at The Tunnel, and why both of them should never own pets, houses, or functioning digestive systems. It’s chaotic, barely prepared, medically concerning, and absolutely perfect. Enjoy! https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2 https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 319 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://www.chrisdcomedy.com/ https://www.stavvy.biz/ https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling problem? Call one eight hundred Gambler. In New York, call 8778-HOPENY or text HOPENY (467369). In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit https://ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (Kansas). Pass-thru of per wager tax may apply in Illinois. Twenty-one plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive Bonus Bets which expire in 7 days. Minimum odds required. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see https://DKNG.co/audio. Limited time offer. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:29 - Slutty Little Breakfast 00:07:14 - Podcast Polyamory 00:14:15 - Chrissy Housing Crisis 00:21:35 - Stavros Vs Fat Guy Medicine 00:31:48 - Fat Joe, Guy Code, & Graveyard Of Failed Shows 00:46:14 - Maybe The Worst Dog Ever 00:56:17 - Geopolitical Shenanigans & NYC Mayors 01:08:11 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers. Hey everybody and welcome to the winter beers. Look at us. Wow. Wow. We thought they were phoning it in in the summer. Yes.

But this is the next level, folks. Get ready. Tom is just in the room over there. Yes. He's just over there having coffee. Then we want to be clear, we will never do this show full time. Never. Never.

It's not going to happen. And we did, we thought we were doing a horrible job last time. You are in for four of the most phoned in episodes you have ever experienced in your lives. And we don't give a fuck. That's the beauty of this. This is like, okay, last episode, last, the last summer, it was like when your parents have a work trip. So they have to get a babysitter to watch you. This is just, now your parents are on benzos in the pool and they've just hired a maid to look at you.

We're just like a babysitter because your parents are sick of looking you in the face. 100% two things, and I'm speaking for you, Stavi, but I believe that you'll agree with me. Two things I'll never do in my life. This podcast full-time or Bert Kreacher's comedy cruise. Listen, yeah, the cruise is tough. I got an offer for it and the answer is resounding no and it always will be. I'm not getting on a boat with Burrude. Kreischer. I don't want to be in international waters with Bert's biggest super fans. I don't

want to need, I don't need to be in international waters close to his bare nipples. No thanks. I'll be on a tour bus with his nips. Yeah, sure. I like the tour bus. Yeah, I'm not. I need to be on dry land. 100%. I need to know, so I could bail out and I could fucking, yeah, hitchhike to the, to the nearest buckies and get home if something goes wrong. Now, they're holding on to this show, to this network. The same reason why parents hold on, you know, they're trying. You know, they're trying to get make sure they're you know we want to stay together till our kids are 18 right then we'll go on they're holding on because they have a contract with hello fresh so we're here to sell pre-portion chicken cordon blues and that's all we're here for the money

was given up front and so between that and better help and whatever lightning strike bullshit drink that they sell yeah all that stuff then we were like advertising like a financial services whatever you remember that that was a hundred percent yeah Tom is doing season two of its Netflix show coming up with New Ways to shit his pants and Byrd has a multicam sitcom on that it's I don't know what's gonna happen with that So that's just crazy

They're trying to you know that's true They have they have found their ladders out They're trying to climb out of podcasting With sitcoms and movies Yes and basically we're keeping the seat warm In case those both fail Exactly if those shows are successful This show is done and you guys know it

Now we're gonna act What we're going to try to actively do over the next four weeks is try not to get invited back for spring bears. But, so we're going to do what we can here. Will it be possible? I don't know.

I don't know. We're going to try. We're going to try. You know, joke world will do what he can to interview us and tell the fans it's a good thing. And, you know, and so, but the honest God is we're trying here. We're here with the winter bears. Now, what I do like about this, What is positive about this is you and I, we don't see each other much.

We don't. This is a great opportunity to catch up. A chance for us to hang, you know? We were both talking about having our breakfast and we're both talking about how we need to really, you know, get our health together. You got a lot of, you have a lot of stuff coming up. And I was like, I want to get my health together from my kids as we're both eating bacon, egg and cheeses in their left hand and muffins with our right. No, it's actually worse than that because what we did was I, particularly me, you, to be fair,

we're happy to be a little slut while we're here. Yes. You would have, whatever Benson's Spood, he's in the booth, we're on Benson's home turf, whatever he had brought us, whatever like, if he poured caramel into a trough, you would have had that for breakfast. 100%.

You love to pretend it's out of your hands, right? Because in your heart, you are a fat piece of shit. I just work out a little. Exactly. And so when it's out of your circumstance, when the circumstances force you to have treats, so last time you basically told Benson Spoon to bring us donuts and desserts.

muffins. And I was like, hey, man, I'm trying to get it together. Don't do that this time. So he had egg white sandwiches. And then I just pulled the absolute fat guy move where shout out to Josh. He also got just an extra breakfast platter. So even though I ordered an egg white sandwich with like spinach and avocado, I took the bacon from the breakfast platter and put it on to an egg white sandwich, which is worse than

just a regular egg sandwich. And let's be honest. You forget I was standing right next to you. You also put the home fries in the sandwiches. I use home fries as a condiment. I use fried potatoes as a topping. If I don't eat it with a fork, I don't consider it that I've even had hash browns.

That's part of the sand, which is far as I'm concerned. So, you know, and then, of course, yes, I had some muffin. I'm the same way. Right. It's tough. And yesterday, I was crushing Pepto-Bismos, so they might not only pay us to do these shows, but I might completely wreck the plumbing at YMA studio.

With the weird pepto. There's a weird fucked up green pepto shit in my intestines. That's that bacon from the morning in the muffin is just pounding it from the back right now. It's going to rock it out. Yeah, man. I fully, it's one of those things where I also, I went to Houston last night and I ate, I decided to. What do we have? See, here's the thing.

I had a really good day, right? And then I decided, I said, I really want pizza. And then I looked at the menu at the Houston punchline. and I noticed they had cauliflower-crust pizza which I'm thinking, oh, this is healthier and less carbs, so I got a pepperoni cauliflower crust pizza. A cauliflower crust comedy club pizza in Texas.

Yeah, dude. I mean, listen to those back. Listen to those words back. It felt, it was disgusting. It was like I was eating a UFC fighter's ear. Just a nice cauliflower ear pizza. And it was, and I woke up in the middle of the night at like 3 o'clock in the morning. I was supposed to come here last night and be in all.

Austin early this morning so we could get this started, but I literally was having like explosive diarrhea in like I couldn't leave the confines of the hotel because of that cauliflower pizza and I just started to feel better and then I immediately ate the food that Benson's spoon has provided for us. So I'm with you and maybe what we can do is for episode two. We can really just mail it in and actually have them set up cameras live look into the stalls and us do a podcast while we have battleshits. Mike up the bowl. mic it up. I mean, that's pretty much what Tom and Bert do on a weekly basis. That is

true. Yeah, the verbal equivalent. Yeah, and I could feel there is no, I mean, the energy in here sucks. You guys are only seeing it this way, but we're looking over here, and it looks bad. I mean, dude, it looks like Ukraine out there. Yeah. Yeah. But over here, like, ooh. Yeah. But, you know, I think that I'm happy

to do this. I am happy to be back. Look, all joking aside, it is fun. I love Tom and Bert. It is fun to be here, and it is fun to just do a podcast that doesn't affect us at all. Zero. That's the, we're, you know what I mean? Yeah. There's no, there's no stakes for us.

It's just a good time. We just happen to both be in Texas at the same time and they hit us up, so. Yeah, the only thing I have to deal with is, uh, Janus is watching this with a gun in his mouth. He's like, if you start another podcast with someone else, I'll fucking kill you on your family. You just start a podcast with a different Greek. Yes. You know, you really are. It is, he is watching.

And it's like, by the end of this, you go to back. Back to history Aheena's talking about how much you love Mom Dani. Yes. You really are just the idiot bellwether that's blown between two Greeks. 100%. One Republican fucking... Now, Yanis has become a suburban Republican father. Sure.

And then one fucking degenerate socialist, you know, single city dweller. Yeah, the freaking whole revolution. And then I'm just doing... I'm just climbing the ladder of Greeks. You know, the Janis, Stavi. And then eventually I am trying to get back on Fuller House with John Stamos. Just trying to get back. in there and then you... Fuller house.

Fuller or her. Yeah. No, but history hyenas is safe. We're having a good time over there at the history hyenas. And let me be clear, it's my choice that it's safe, Yon. You actually... This is basically like a Jolene... Yannes is basically singing Jolene to me.

He's like, please don't take my man. It's like, I'm good, man. I just want to fuck him a couple times. You can keep him. Yeah. It's the Chris Rock truck of like, where he was like, was like men will because women want to take your take your husband like the joke is like women want to take your husband

men don't want to take your wife they want to fuck your wife but they don't want to take her no great joke off of tambourine great special uh and that's how i feel about our relationship you know we come in we cheat on our eldest is out here he's getting cucked harder than yannis he has to watch this he's watching this from closed circuit tv yeah he's watching and he's just sitting out there with the guys who opened for me just asking him a million questions about his camera equipment and he's just sit there two and a half hours talking about lenses. And Eldis thinks he looks like you too. That's the other funny thing. Eldis has like

hilarious Albanian self-esteem where he thinks he's so much hotter than he is. Right. He's looking at this. He's like, what the hell? Why am I a producer? I should be on the mic. Yes, Eldis looks like me if he was born in Hiroshima in 1945. If his dad's balls were just in nuclear goo. Yes, we were born in Chernobyl. Chernobyl's it. Absolutely. Yeah. So, no, but I think that, yeah, it's, our relationship is, you know, we come and do this podcast, so we have sex, we have hot, gorgeous sex, but then we both go back to our committed relationship, from Stavi's world to history hyenas, and everybody wins. We are kind of like,

we're like a legal affair here. We can have an affair with each other, we can be good, and everybody's winning. We're podcast polyamorous. Exactly what we are, dude, exactly what we come in, we fuck, we come into Bert and Tom's house and fuck each other, so our wives don't know where we are. Exactly. Yeah, and then Bert and Tom can go do whatever they need to, and then they can come back, and everything's good. We've kept the seats warm. That's right. And this is what it is. We've kept the seats covered, immersed in jizz, basically. Yes. They haven't dried out. And this would be good, I think, moving forward for relationships in general, because everyone always says the same thing. Like, oh, I would never cheat on my wife if she would just allow me to have sex with other women. It would be better for us if you let me have sex for the women. Everyone says that. It's not your internal monologue you're talking about right now. It's like, you know, this well-known thing that everybody says, I should be able to fuck when I'm on the road. Everyone thinks that. Everyone thinks that.

As long as I'm a time zone away, it's like a time zone and an ethnicity away. Yeah. The further the time zone, the closer you can get to fucking a Latina. Yeah. The entire borough of Staten Island is agreeing with me right now. They're like, yes. But it's like people make this argument. Oh, if I could step out, it would make things better.

Now, who knows if it's true or not? I would never try. I love my family. But I will say that for podcasting, this works. You and I said, we were like, you know, because they said, oh, we want you and Stavi to do a show for YMH. And we said we can't, we're not doing this shit long term. Yeah.

But coming in, seasonal, and hitting them with the feel, this works. Yeah, when they have to hire extra hands that Target on Christmas. You know what I mean? To really stock all the toys, that's what we're here for. Yeah, where the two guys with Down syndrome that come and help out the big markets like Walmart and Target. to just we're getting thrown a bone here absolutely it's the fight nobody saw it coming jake paul versus anthony joshua live on netflix december 19 two worlds collide in the ring and draft king sports book has the action covered bet on every round every punch every knockout moment with live

betting and fast payouts baby you're always ring side for the action download the draft king sports book app today new customers bet just five dollars and if your bet wins You'll instantly get paid $200 in bonus bets with code bears. That's code bears in partnership with Draft Kings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem, call 1-800 gambler. In New York, call 8778-8-Hope-N-Y or text Hope and Y at 467369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling.

Call 888-78-9-7777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, pass-through of per-wager tax may apply in Illinois. Over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. Four additional terms or responsible gaming resources, see dKNG.co slash audio. Limited time offer. Ethos is an online that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect your family's future in minutes, not months. There's no complicated process and it's 100% online. No medical exam required, which is nice.

You just answer a few health questions. Get a quote in as little as 10 minutes. You can get safe day coverage without ever leaving your house. You can get up to $3 million in coverage. Some policies as low as $2 a day build monthly. Three million families have completed their applications and trusted ethos to help them find the right coverage. Life insurance is so important. I keep saying that over and over and over again. It is not fun to think about. It really isn't. You're like, I'm not going to, I'm not going anywhere. But one day you will. And you want to make sure the ones you love the most are taken care of. And I sleep easy at night, knowing I'm taking care of two things, my life insurance and my health. I go to my doctor every three months

and I stay up on my life insurance and I've been having life insurance since I was 32 years old. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash bears. That's ethyos.com slash bears. Application times may vary. raids may vary what is going on with you chrissey it's been a while you know how's the fam how's the you've moved fully into your new home now i've moved fully into my new home and what's interesting is i've moved fully into my new home and then as soon as i closed i'm talking about day two the insurance company told me i need a new roof so i now am actively trying to get uh out of the house so i just are you serious yeah because i'm like this thing needs a new roof i didn't know it

crazy but here's my thing how much is the fucking roof cost I know I should get a new fucking roof stay I know your kids are gonna be fucking they're gonna have like fucking PTSD I know I want to get one of them Tesla roofs so but what our kids are having you somehow your kids are growing up

upper middle class but they have the like the mentality of a war torn refugee yeah yeah my kids are growing up that's why they're pro Palestine and and so and so but I'm not I am if I would I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind to sell my house.

Of course. It absolutely has. Of course. I'm not going to do it. And here, okay, but if I do do it, if I do it, if I do it, if I did it. Here's the big difference, which I think this is because thinking about the kids first, I would not move out of the town that I'm in. So I won't change their schools.

Right. You already sent pies to the police officers. Yes. You've already tried to bribe the police with a sweet potato pie. I'm in. Oh, yeah, dude. And they have also been invited to the house for Thanksgiving. So I, I, but I have been thinking about it. And I notice what happens with me. You're addicted to moving, bro. I know. You're addicted to Zillow. Yes. You love fucking moving. That's who my sponsor. You love boxing shit up. I know. And I, and the thing is, too, is like, I don't even do it. Like, I try to hire companies to do the moving for me because I don't want to do it. I think I'm addicted to being overwhelmed. You ever think about that? Like, I think I'm addicted to just. having some type of constant chaos, overwhelming issue in my life. I get that because if you have that, you can't actually sit and be with your thoughts

and your actual deficiencies. You can't, you don't want to be faced with the fact that you desperately want to cheat every moment of the day. All you want is a muffin and strange pussy. That's it. You've been having egg whites and been in a committed relationship. So if you're constantly boxing up your things and worried about new schools, you can't let your natural Italian mind wander.

Wander, yeah. And then for me to top all that off, I'm gay. Even the furthest, even that is like a red herring from the real issue. Yes. Yes. Every time, every single time I come up for air and start to meditate, I just see my face on Vito in the parking lot coming up giving the blowjob in the Sopranos. That's so funny.

You try and meditate and you just, Within three minutes, you're looking at your thing about vivid gay sex. Just right away, right away. To the point where there'll be times where, like, we're just watching a show in bed, like, Jazz and I, and she's like, it's okay if you're gay. In fact, that's actually such a best case scenario. Oh, my God, because she knows we would always, I would always, I'd always, they're my family for life.

I'll always take care of them as long as I have things, they have things. But then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of, like, moving on with another woman. She'd be like, oh, he's just, you know, he's just, you know, he's just, in a committed relationship with a guy now. Now, you think if you were gay, you wouldn't have, because gay guys, they love. They have, to them, cheating isn't even a concept. Right.

You know what I mean? It's like how certain, certain, like, different people can't see different colors. Right. Or like, you know, coyotes, dogs can only see in certain colors. Gay guys don't even, or certain languages don't have concepts, you know?

Like, they don't have the concept of cheating in the gay vernacular. Yeah, it's like, it's, I think in French society, too, I think it's okay to cheat. Right? I've heard that French guys, the way it works in France is, is you can cheat on your spouse. That's allowed. You just can't fall in love.

Right. But you can bang and have sex. That's a natural urge, okay? It's my right as a Christian man to be able to do that. Yeah. And you even have your, you set your mistress up in a pitaire. A little petita. A little, and I've actually tried to get that.

and pulled it off as, like, as a studio for the history I mean is. But I've been denied, the petiater. But Yannis and I both have asked our wives, is it possible to just have a little petiaterre, and the answer is a resounding no. Really? It's a resounding no. I mean, you, I get, Janus, though? Yeah, no.

Yannis seems like he's over even getting pushy. Oh, yeah, dude, Janus is 50 years old. He doesn't, he wants to pontificate. That's it. And not nut anymore. 100%. He wants to hang out with Ethan Hawke. He just wants to talk about Ethan Hawk poems.

and movies all day Listen, I respect that, Ethan Hawke I can't wait to see the new one What is it called, blue something? Oh yes, yeah, I've seen ads for it Yeah, he, he, like before midnight, before sunrise All those movies, Ethan Hawk, next level An insane fucking actor

Oh yeah Fuck, the Paul Schrader movie What the fuck was that called? It's so good, he's the priest who like fucking Anyway, great actor I saw, here's a funny thing, well not funny, just a random thing about Ethan Hawk is I one time was getting on a

Reformed. Oh, first reformed. Great fucking movie. I was getting on a flight on an American Airlines flight with Ethan and Ethan Hawke was there and we were boarding and I sat like I was sitting like right across from him. And so like I would, you know, go to the bathroom, whatever and like just give him like little pounds. And I did it probably two or three times. Like I was, I was being an idiot. Yeah, and he was cool about it. He was like, yeah, what up? You know, like, whatever. He was very cool. And then he was probably like, I'm happy. Like, that guy was annoying. And I, rightfully so. And then I stayed in L.A. for like a week and a half and then on my flight from LA back to JFK I was sitting in the same aisle as him and he said I swear to God dude and I respect it for this he took off his headphones seriously it was like hey man I just

are you following me wow and I said and I know how this looks and it was one of those things I was like so profound I was like Mr. Hawk I was like I am not I was like this is random I was like I've been thinking all week I know I bothered you a little bit I apologize and I remember that I believe it was the San Antonio Spurs when the NBA championship at that time. Yeah, it was like a few years ago. This is a long time.

Whenever the last time they made the finals, it was then. I mean, dude, we're talking when they, when they're against the heat? Yeah, when's the last time the Spurs made, it was during that time. And I remember, we were all watching the game on the way home.

And I think he was rooting for the Spurs. He might be from Texas because he was definitely rooting for the Spurs. And I remember, like, I like, you know, was like, oh, like, score it. And then he looked at me and gave me a pound. Wow.

I was like, okay. So he's a cool guy. He's cool. I don't know that he would ever remember that. No, let me tell you something. No, he wouldn't. And if he did, it's because he's like, has your, he has your face. He has like a picture of a, and you're on a list of like, don't let these guys near the property.

You know? Two things are probably true. He doesn't remember me, and it wasn't Ethan Hawke. Just some guy with a beard. Some guy with a beard. It was just some woman. Yeah. I don't know.

Now, what about you, dude? What's been going on with you? You got a lot of stuff going on. You know, movie, which is cool, Begonia, go see it. It's still in theaters. That's going out. That's out there.

I basically have just, I am just trying, this is the story of my life, just not trying to get a little less fat. That's what it is. I found out that I'm on, so I'm on fat guy medicine. I'm on, not Ozzympic, Zep bound.

What's the difference? I think it's just a difference. different, you know, peptide type shit. But it's a GLP. It's a GLP one. That's the main one. And, and I, so I just went to a doctor who's not a doctor. He's a nurse practitioner that would just kind of.

Okay, it's Dr. Drew. He would be, yeah, he basically, it's literally just a guy. You know what's funny? What's funny about him is he kind of dresses like a doctor. And then you look at his card and there's no MD to be found anywhere. Yeah. It's just a nurse practitioner, which is fine. Respect to nurse practitioners.

Yeah, you're looking at him. You're like, you know, he's, he's very smart, but I saw him on Kill Tony. Yeah, dude, if my doctor's a bucket pull, no, that's no good. So what was he saying? Well, he just was not, it turns out I was, and then I talked to a doctor who specializes in fat guy medicine. And I should have been going up in dose. I was eating through the, there's like a 2.5, a 5, 7.5, 10, all the way up to 15.

I was at 5 for like four months. and you're supposed to go up in dose when it stops kind of being effective. So basically, I would take the shot and it would work like one day and then I would just... Point five is no match for like when I really want to fucking...

I was eating a lot of pizza. I was getting a lot of sushi. Not cauliflower crust, either. The real stuff. Not cauliflower crust, the good shit. Yeah. Actually, shout out to the... If we're talking about...

Since we're talking about Comedy Club pizzas, the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Okay, never been. Where I did do a show so shockingly good pizza. Really? Yeah. It was like,

it kind of tastes like the best version of Chuckie cheese pizza. Interesting. You ever get nostalgic for that old, like kind of buttery crispy bottom? The other day, the other day I ate in Elyos pizza.

Oh wow. It just heated one of those puppies up. Wow. You're reminding, you're remembering your latch key kid days in Brooklyn. Yes. Just fucking heating up in Elyos, sleeping, jacking off in your mom's bed.

100%. After school. Yeah. The old, the old Chrissy D. move. 100%. Yeah. You know, trying to,

join the army to defend this country from the 9-11 hijackers. Yeah, beating up an Indian guy because you thought he was from fucking Iraq. Yeah, calling every person who's a shade darker than me, Muhammad Atta. Fis-fighting Dominicans. And then planting a Quran on them to make it look like a hate crime. Yeah, and then go and practicing my free throws. So, yeah, so what happened? So anyway, I'm just, so now I'm on the new dose.

I'm looking good. Yeah. I'm not. it's it actually works because it dude there's there's nothing more depressing than thinking like oh i'm going to beat this medicine right i am going to fucking the the miracle cure that the fattest fat people the most classically a man whose name is fat joe got skinny off this medicine yes and it's like i am going to lose to this like i'm going to beat it there's nothing i can do i'm going to just be fattish it like there were some depressing days and i realized like oh i just

wasn't on the right dosage. And now I'm pretty good. Now you feel good and you're feeling good. I'm feeling good. There were days where my brain hadn't matched. I was still fighting the 7.5. Like I ate a fucking pint of ice cream over like two and a half hour hours. Oh yeah.

Because it hurt my stomach. But I was like, you're not going to beat me, you fucking pussy. I'm stronger than you medicine. Yeah. And then I woke up the next day diary. I was like, why did I do that? How do I start my morning every day? Well, I started with the beautiful, gorgeous morning dump.

Why? Because I'm drinking AG1. Okay? That keeps me flowing. That keeps me healthy. Ag1. My asshole is my whole body just runs good. I feel clean on the inside. A lot of the men I've been hanging out with after hours have told me how that they don't even need to douche because AG1 is just keeping me clean. AG1 is the daily health drink that combines your multivitamin, pre and probiotics, superfoods and antioxidants into one simple green. scoop. It's one of the easiest things you can do to support your body. I wish Stavros wasn't on business calls right now because he's the one that really needs to hear this. So this time of year, more important than ever to be proactive about supporting your immune health. I don't want you getting sick out there, baby. Come on, you want to be sick for the holidays. Age 1 is going to help you out. Life can start to get really busy. So AG1, all they do is they help you stay consistent with the rest of your routine is thrown off the one scoop. That's what I do. I do it in a scoop of water. since I throw it in a scoop of yogurt, and I have a good time.

I use it, you should too, you're going to love it. Now, as always, they always give nice offers. That's what I like about them as a company. I like their product because it helps my body, and it also helps my wallet, baby. AG1 has the best offer ever going on right now. If you head to drinkag1.com slash bears, you'll get the welcome kit, a morning person hat, a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 and an AG1 flavor sampler and you're going to get to try their new sleep supplement AGZ for free, which has been a game changing from my nightly routine.

I've been having a little bit of trouble sleeping because I just bang out coffees too much. This has really helped me. So go to drinkag1.com slash bears for $126 in free gifts for new subscribers. I didn't say $125, I said $126. So if you're not going to drinkage1.com slash bears, you're just, you're being an asshole. Listen to me, okay, do you run a small business? If you do and you're not using Shopify, I honestly have no idea what the hell you're even doing, okay? Shopify, Shopify, it is the point of sale system.

It has a unified command center for all. your retail business whatever you're shipping out from t-shirts to dildos Shopify is the way to go okay it brings together in-store and online operations across 1,000 locations all right i mean truly if you're not using shopify i just don't i don't even know if we could be friends anymore i really don't okay i'm a i'm a shopify little slut i like it and it's proven to help your business it's 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits, that's equivalent to an 8.9% uplift. I'm getting an 8.9% uplift in my pants right now on sales of average relative to the market set surveyed. If you're not literally covered in

jizz listening to this, I don't know what you're doing. You need to go to a doctor. So get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash bears. Go to shopify.com. Go to Shopify.com. dot com slash bears that's shopify dot com slash bears well what is what does it necessarily do it just makes you not hungry yeah it kind of regulates your yeah exactly right in theory people who are fat and i i really do believe this because i can just eat so fucking much and then it's just like you're just your chemistry is just wrong your internal shit is fucked up yeah so you don't regulate hunger the way normal motherfuckers like you actually that button that tells me i'm full

doesn't happen for it really doesn't dude like i i have to be in pain to stop eating right you know what i i have to be i have to and i've figured out i mean it's so fucked up where i there have been times where i like know how to trick my body like i'll drink water yeah i'll drink a bunch of water like balloon up the stomach and then i'll just fill it up real fast with meats before it has it has time to realize it's not water it's meat that's in there and then as soon as my body realized i have the most horrific diary. Like, one Thanksgiving, it was the pandemic, right? And so me and my brothers used to do Korean barbecue Thanksgiving. Nice. Very American of you. It's very, yeah. Exactly what Squanto wanted. I think you would have, yeah, I think you would have liked that,

you know? Yeah, yeah. And so, but usually you go to a restaurant, you can't overeat at a restaurant. No, it's tough. But it's the pandemic, everything's close. So we just go to a H-Mart, load up on meats and shit and I just have a tin like a big ass fucking tin full of fucking short rib and I'm just eating it No kimchi, nothing healthy

A little kimchi A little kimchi little rice A little soy A little sesame oil and salt A little fucking bean bean paste Yep Great great shit

And dude I just I almost It was like I was eating it on a schedule Where it was like My timer would go off So I would have just enough time For my body to think I stopped eating and then I would fucking eat some real quick.

It was like when actresses talk, like when, what's her face, Hillary Swank had to get, to be a million-dollar baby. She would, like, wake up in the middle of the night to have, like, protein chips. I was every, like, hour waking up and just eating fucking short ribs. And I gave birth.

Like, I should, like, literally, I don't know if, I don't know how my ass is snapped back from that. But it was like a, it was like a grapefruit of just, like, Korean scented shit, like, just hard. And honestly, smelled kind of good. I didn't have time to really digest. I was eating it so much that the fragrant herbs

overpowered the shit. And it was like, I was kind of like, ooh. Maybe I should eat this. If I walked into a restaurant and it smelled like that, I'd be like, hey, what's that? Can I have something like that? Dude, well, Koreans have an enzyme in their body where their sweat doesn't smell.

So maybe they're, you cannot get a Korean person's armpits to smell like B.O. It's not possible. And you've tried. Yes, exactly. I've captured a couple of, of them, just put them in the sauna. You're tickling their armpits with feathers.

I'm like, come on. And nothing, so maybe there's something in the food. That is interesting. And by the way, let me tell you, I know, I worked with Fat Joe in 2014. We did the show on MLB called an MTV2 called Off the Bat that nobody watched. Basically, MLB was like, oh, we want to make baseball available for like a younger audience. Right. So they make it cool.

Yeah, so they put it on Sundays at 11 a.m. I was like, the perfect time slot. Let's get Fat Joe and the first guy from Guy Code that replies yes. And you happen to be looking at your email before Schultz? And the job was yours. Yes, I beat him to it. And so... Yeah, you beat John Gabris and Schultz and you got to do it.

Yeah. And so Fat Joe was like, you know, the other host. And Sway from Sway in the morning was there in Melanie and Glacius. And it was a great show. But Fat Joe, he had lost all that weight back then in 2014. Oh, really? You know, this was years before a Zempick. What was you doing?

was you on go ahead no so i'm sitting with them right and we're in the green room wow look at that oh look at oh wow you really looked way more like a fucking brooklyn guino there like a puffy fat you have that fat fucking gumba face there dude you look so much better now yeah i just dude i was you know what that was me like i was eating a lot but that was drinking that was i still drink a little bit but that was like serious like drinking drinks drinking beers like everyday beers with fucking pat finnegut at o'neals you know what i mean that was me that was me and mass Spith Queens, just throwing back bruise. I love it.

And so, but Fat Joe, we're sitting in the green room one day before the show. And I'm like, dude, like, you know, because I was feeling fat and puffy. I was like, what do you lose all this way? He goes, yo, man, you know what the secret is? One thing, baby. All I had to do, I still eat the way I eat, but now every single day I make sure I have a black cherry seltzer. And I said, and I said, what?

He was like, black cherry seltzes, baby. That's the only thing that I change, man. And he goes, Joey crack. He goes, and I changed my whole life, black cherry seltzes. And I was like, oh, no way that's true. No way that's true. Yeah. So that, but that was his claim.

I mean, Black Cherry Sells. And the thing with Fat Joe, dude, he's such a funny guy. He would tell the best stories. Like, I remember one time he was telling the story. And he had, like, the whole, like, room, like, riveted, right? Because he was in front of a live audience. So he's telling us this amazing story once where he's like, yeah. He's like, you know, it's like 1994 or whatever.

Him and Big Pond, when Big Pum was still alive, the tunnel, the famous club in New York City, nightclub in New York City is closed now. but he was like, you know, we were going into the tunnel one night. He was like, and there were drug, there were gang members that were robbing rappers' chains or like athletes' chains going into the tunnel, right? So he said, one day, me and Big Pun, you know, they're hardcore dudes from the Bronx.

Yeah, of course. So they walk into the tunnel, and the gang members are right there with guns at, like, right at their chest. So he's like, yo, run your chains. And him and Big Pun are like, you know, he's like, as much as we want to fight, these mother, they got the guns in our chest. So, like, you know, what are we going to do?

He goes, and it was like this moment that like felt, you know, like an eternity, but it was five, ten seconds, or all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they hear, yo, who got a gun to my man? Who got a gun at my man? Now this is like 1990, 95, it's fucking Mike Tyson. Wow. So Mike Tyson, they said, walks into the tunnel. He has like four chains on, no shirt on.

This is heavyweight champion, Mike Tyson, and he looks at the gang bands. He goes, y'all going to have to go through me. Wow. And he said the guys literally put the guns back, just like in the beltbox of their pants and walked out. Sorry, Mr. Tyson. Sorry, Mr. Tyson. On arms.

Yeah. God, he was, yeah. And I'm even forget, because he told me so long, I'm even forgetting, like, better parts of that story. But he told, and we, the way, he had us, like, in the palm of his hand. Yeah, dude. And I was like, dude, you should come, you should come do stand up comedy with me. I was doing a show at Caroline's that weekend. I was like, you have, like, a natural gifter.

You can rap and you can, you know, tell these stories like, yeah, I'm going to do it. and then he showed up and absolutely bombed. Yeah, I mean, you're an idiot for that. I'm a dumb shit. I just needed extra ticket sales. It was 2014, so I put up on my Facebook wall. Fat Joe is coming. You have had the most hilarious, fakesest.

Every TV show you've been a part of feels fake. Fake, yeah. And it has had no impact, no cultural impact whatsoever. Gets canceled immediately after one season or mid-season. Let's run through it. You had that? I didn't even know about that one. MLB, I've also been.

a part of eight pilots, not one so I'm 0 for eight with my own show ideas. One of my pilots I illegally put up on my YouTube, my CBS sitcom pilot, so you can go to Chris DeStefano CBS pilot on my Christie Comedy YouTube and you'll see that. You were hoping for like a internet

groundswell. Yeah. We got to get this on and just no one even watched it on YouTube. I got a cease and desist letter from CBS that I violated a major part of the contract. So that's what happened there. And then, and I've been a part of guy code and girl code on MTV and MTV. Arguably the most lasting.

Those are the most culturally impactful. However, they drop, MTV dropped the ball on monetizing it on a tour. Like the impractical, at that time, the impractical jokers and guy code and girl code were getting similar views. But the impractal jokers, you know, obviously their show is iconic show, but they were able to captivate, they were able to generate into like a tour. Is that really what you want your life to be? No.

On a fucking bus with the rest of guy code and girl code. On a bus with, yeah, with Andrew Schultz and Mer. No, I, guy code and girl code at that time. You want to be 40 being like, if your girl's got a body count and nine, she's, take that bitch to the gutter. You know what I mean? You want to be a grown man to like slut-shaming teenagers? Well, dude, even when I wasn't, even when I was like in my late 20s, when I was doing

guy code, I was still a physical therapist. I was a pediatric physical therapist working with like mentally and physically handicapped children. Like that's what I did simultaneously while I was doing guy code and girl code before I could transition to a career in comedy. And the principal of the school, I remember, comes... This is before the internet.

Like they had seen it on TV. They come in and they're like, oh... It wasn't before the internet, by the way. What? Well, actually, you're right, it wasn't. It wasn't. But I'm saying it wasn't like as rampant. It wasn't like social media.

Before the internet. He went to the library and looked up and got a VCR tape Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody sent me a slide. And, no, but my principal of the school was like, this is before I had kids or anything, she was like, you know, we understand that you're moonlighting as a comedian. And it's been brought to our attention that you were recently appeared on an episode of a show called Guy Code. And I said, yeah, I said, you know, it's this and now. They're like,

that's fine. They were like, but, you know, you do work with children here. And some of the parents of these children watch the show. And you just put it on an episode with You're the featured of, and then the name of it is Guy Coe to hiding your boner. I swear to God. To hiding your boner. And it was like a whole, we did 20 minutes on that. And they were like, we just don't think that's not appropriate as you're working with children because they are seeing it.

And now, you know, the parents have said they're trying to do some of the tips that you've said. Of course. It's borderline. The children are trying to hide their boners guy code. Yes. By following guy code. Yeah. They don't want to be in violation.

of international guy code. So let's open that. This is a rich vein of discussion. Yes. What are the, what is the, what, what's, where did you land on the guy code dying your boner? So I said the guy coat tied in your boner depends what part of your life you're in. I said if you're in school, it's very easy.

You just wear your book bag in the front. Oh, that's all right. When Archbishop Maloy High School, all boy Catholic high school shouted out. Interesting. That's that where you were getting boners. Yes. You were getting bono. You were not a woman in sight.

Zero. It was just, it was just, you know, guys in cacks. Yeah. And so I remember if you had your book bag on in the front and you were walking through the hallway changing classes, the whole school would just go boner. Even the teachers were getting involved. Like, yeah, dude, Patty, we know you got a boner. And so that, and then the obvious classic move is hide it in your waistband. Wasteband is the way to go. And then I forgot there was other ways, like I would do patterns pants and things like that. But the main thing is. Patterns pants, an optical illusion to hide your heart dig. Right, exactly. If you want to get scientific with it. So it depends on a swirl, like the hypnosis, your pants. Yeah, or like one of those, like, lollipops and just come lick it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I remember, I remember that my principal goes, you know, and you have to kind of choose right now because this is inappropriate.

And I remember, like, I had this moment where I was like, you know, my mom, I said I had my mom on one shoulder saying, you have a doctor degree in physical therapy, you have health insurance, you're making money, okay, not great money, but you're you need to stay in this job and then I had my dad on the other side being like yo go live your life yeah yeah nobody can hide that boner baby you go live your life quit it yeah quit that show quit that quit that quit that job and go do comedy even though I had no path at the time to comedy and I just as always chose my dad you listen to your dad I listen my the man who made you hide out an Amish country as a child yes the man whose life decisions

made you wanted in Ridgewood Queens. The man who caused me and my mom to get very familiar with the Amtrak schedule out of Penn Station in 1989. And that's what I remember, I chose that. And dude, for like the first week, I had like, I remember I had like $240 in my bank account. And I remember, like, I had quit, right?

And my dad was like, you can stay with me, like live in my basement, don't tell your mother that you quit, and I didn't. and then yeah and I remember that they the for like a week maybe two weeks like no money like what am I going to do here I was trying to get any gig I could and then MTV came and gave me like an overall deal which basically like was my physical therapy salary maybe even more to like do comedy but then I was an MTV I belonged to MTV so that's when Carson Daly got to fuck your ass whenever he wanted to 100% that's how I warmed up for TRL yeah you have you had to you have a had to fluff him. Oh, yeah, do it. And then they started putting me on every MTV show because I were just paying for me and I was on some shows that you've never heard of like Little Duval's Making in America. You know, I was doing this show and that show. I mean, I was just bomb after bomb. Yeah, a bunch. And then you had a weird home improvement show for a while.

Yes, I had a weird home improvement show. Backyard Bar Wars, which was a great show. And then I was on, what was it, true TV during the pandemic. Yeah. And then I did that and I just, you know, they wanted to do season two and I just didn't show up I was like I just don't want to go I don't want to go leave my family again and so that was a problem and then it was on a show on IFC

called Benders that was a hockey show that actually Schultz was on me and Schultz did that That's a fun show that was early That was a fun show And that was an actual attempt at art Instead of like MTV Schlock bullshit You at least tried to be in a sitcom

Yes I tried to do that And so that got one season eight episodes And I had another show on Comedy Central called Stupid Questions that was like a you know it was like an early days podcast

that's basically what it was and then I have shows that I remember this yeah that I forgot about like I don't I've been a part of so many things in the TV side that never have seen

the light of day or have actually been on then I hosted a show on Vi I forgot about this it was called the Super Maximum Retro show and I hosted that two years ago and that the highest views that one got was 10,000 views

So, yeah, I swear to God, dude. 10,000 for a TV show. Bert and Tom got more views than me. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, so that one I bombed. And now I have another sitcom in development, so we'll see what happens. What do you do? You are getting ran through by these guys, you know,

these executives are just tagging your ass left and right. They love it, dude, because they know that I'm just a good little network company boy. But you know what the difference is now? What I am thankful for, like with the internet illness, is like, now I really can and will just say no if I don't like the idea. Because I'm like, I have what I want. I have, you know, I have the podcast. You'll definitely see. Oh, yeah. I will. You'll say, just no one's asking right now. So you're pretending you're taking a principled stance. When it's like, hey, we want to do, the Discovery Network wants to do, shave my dog's ball wars. Who can shave their dog's balls closer? And who can get it closer to the skin? We need a host. Yeah, I'm like, jazz, I got to get it out there. We need the new roof.

You know, like, you want a new tits. I got it. This is what we got to do, babe. I love you. I love my family. Yeah. Yeah, I just, I'm just whatever Jimmy Kimmel wants me to do, I'm doing. Yeah.

Well, that one was, actually, that was a good TV appearance I had when I hosted his show. I guess hosted a show. That's, oh, we haven't seen you since then, I don't think. Really? I don't know, actually, but I did guess, did we? We did. Oh, I'm an asshole. Yeah.

We definitely talk about it. And I think you told one of these stories already, but that's fine, dude. Like I said, we are here to do a bad job. We didn't do a bad enough job last time, and we've learned our lesson. Yes. We have learned our lesson, and we are not going to say anything funny for the next 20 minutes until the show is over. Well, that's what's happened to me now this deep into my comedy careers. I've realized I've made up enough stories about my father that I have nothing left to say.

Yeah. All the ones that I've lied about now, they just, I just have to kind of, what I'm doing now is just going back for specials and saying, I'll do those stories. because there's probably new fans half these people are dead they gave up on me so now like let's do the bits I did that last night at the Houston Punchline

I just was running out of steam and my new stuff I was happy with my new stuff but I was like okay now I don't want to and I said you know what don't do anything from the last special I went back to my Comedy Central

half hour and started doing that clothes and that felt good I was like I got a different spin on it and then I started to justify it to the other comics in the green room I was like hey you know what man it's bullshit

that we can't do our old stuff Let's do it. This is what the fans want. It was just because I've been lazy writing. They're like, yeah, they all work for you. They're like, yeah, Chris. No, you're making a really good point. Yeah, yeah, you're not lazy.

No. You haven't taken it for granted. You're just putting an artistic spin on it. Yes. I was like, you know, you have saying things like Marcus Aurelius said. I'm like, you never step in the same river twice. Yeah, yeah. And you were seeing these jokes downstream.

Have you, have you, what's your new thing? You always have a new thing you're obsessed with. What's going on now? Finance. Finance. finance. Now I'm a big guy. Crypto guy now? No, not crypto. Now I'm going back old school. Now I'm all about financial advisors and the 1% fees and getting away from them and doing it yourself and really working on that, simultaneously that and the Revolutionary War.

Oh, interesting. Watching Ken Burns' Revolutionary War just going deep diving about what this country really means. Yeah, and the Native Americans and learning that. But mainly over the last week and a half. It's been mostly financed to the point where Jasmine actually said, hey, Chris, like, I noticed you've been really, like, going crazy, like, with the finance stuff. She's like, why don't we just set a time once every two weeks? Maybe you and I can, like, go into the backyard or something and just talk about the finances because you're getting, like, a little obsessed. Like, she was like, you know, my daughter, Violet is forced. She was like, you know, you were talking to Violet about bonds. And she doesn't know, like, what that means. And it's just like, I don't think you understand. And I was like, well, I just want her to be absorbing it now and understand what the treasury bond is. She was like, I get that. But she just. wants to watch Miss Rachel and we just got a puppy oh we got a puppy that's the new thing that's a new thing I puppy's good yeah I said what is what how can I make my life how can I put the treadmill to the highest incline and I said let's get a six week old Siberian husky puppy a husky dude

you're stupid stupid the most energetic dog that sheds they're like dickheads too they're like mean yeah yeah that needs to be walked all the time it's not gonna be hot as fuck hot as fuck shedding it's around Puerto Rican family who needs it you know who's always like my my the Jasmine is like constantly constantly constantly freezing when it's like 90 degrees so now it's like you have this dog that it needs to be 20 degrees at all time so I've messed that. Why did you do why did you pick Siberian Husky? In fairness in fairness we were getting worn down by our daughters to get a dog when I didn't want to get one I was resisting and I was like you know what I want these kids to be happy so I said to jazz let's get like we're not going to stay in a house for four

months, but we will get a dog. We'll make it even more annoying to move in the future. Yes. Yeah, and now we're not be able to do anything. And I said to myself, I kept saying to her, if we're going to get a dog, then we're going to go with the best breed. We're going to go with the master, the one who knows what to do, and that's Adolf Hitler's Dobermans.

So I said, Dobermans are, that is the dog. They don't shed. They are guard dogs, but they also are good with families. This is the breed to get. and then she has a friend who got a litter of Siberian husky puppies and sent Jasmine a photo of them and then Jasmine said I'm in love now with that one and next thing you know this dog is on a plane from L.A.

L.A. You flew the dog out? Yeah. Yeah. All of a sudden in my credit card I thought somebody stole my info in Philly two weeks ago because I'm seeing these pet nannies that it's I'm getting all these hits and they're on American Airlines. I said what the hell's going on? I was like oh yeah the I'm flying the dog in. I was like what the hell and then we didn't really look into it but now we have this dog now the whole family's attached to this dog and we see that it sheds it needs to be walked four to five miles a day it's not good with families and and it's and the main reason why i said you know what if we can get a dog it has to be this way when i'm on the road at least we have you know an extra layer of security

whatever for my family you know and now we come to find out these dogs are called alert dogs and they're negotiators so they are not going to what they will alert you that's is breaking into the house but they will do nothing to stop it and as a matter of fact they will make a decision when the burglar comes in and they might actually leave with them because they negotiate what's better for me so i got the one of the biggest piece of shit dogs you could possibly maybe did that is the worst kind of dog possible yes unless you're fucking riding the iditarod trail or whatever yeah there was and and as a proud 1776 red white and blue american i got an enemy Russian dog oh yeah it's a Russian dog Siberia

You're right, the Siberian Husky, wow. Yeah, so now I really just absolutely messed up. And I actually said to, because she, you know, the dog is shitting and pissing all over the house. It's seven weeks old. So it literally is a seven week old puppy. You're so fucking stupid. So dumb.

You love ruining your life, man. You really love it. So I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it. But I did say, because my daughter's now, especially my older one, she's been like, you know, I want this dog, I want this dog. And now we're like, you know, you have to kind of. responsibility for it and so far she's been pretty good but if she goes a few days with zero responsibility i'm going to take that as an opportunity to say we mean what we say you weren't

responsible for these last two days so now we're giving the dog away no second chances that's it and you just fucking shoot it in the back of the head you're right there a yellow a healthy puppy yeah but i will say that so far i was very not and i'm not anti animals i like animals but i was like I got kids. I don't want to deal with a dog. But even though it's a nuisance, shitting and pissing everywhere, I actually am very connected to the dog.

There's something in a human, like we're connected to them in a way that I don't think science, or maybe science can explain, I just haven't gotten to that phase of being obsessed with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now I'm just busy about the Iroquois.

Of course, of course. Yeah, I don't know. Dogs are fucking awesome, but I just, it's too much fucking work for me. Yeah. I mean, someday I've talked about it, I really want a fucking fat bulldog.

Oh, yeah. I just want, Because, like in 101 Dalmatians where, you know, they have all the owners look exactly like their dogs. Yeah. I want that. Fat bulldog with a little fucking little trash suit.

I had a Dalmatian, too, when I was a kid. Wow. For three months in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn. And this is actually when my dad started. This is the very first time I ever heard my father asked my mother if he thought I was gay because my mother let me name the dog, the Dalmatian. And like, if you had a Dalmatian...

You named it RuPaul? I named it Cruella. Crewella, which is like a, you know, like a gay kind of thing to do. Cuella is a gay icon, exactly, Glenn Close, Crewella. And I heard my dad say like, oh, who named Crewella? And she was like, oh, your son, like, you know, because my parents were divorced. My dad would come get me on the weekends. And he was like, he named a Crewella?

And then I said, yeah. And then he didn't know that I had a small apartment. And he was like, Lynn, you think he's gay? And she was like, tell me. Stop it. He's 11. And then she was like, yes, I do. I do.

Well, no, I just remember thinking, oh, it's a Dalmatian. Like, I could have, you know. Yeah, yeah. It's like, no, I'm not gay. I'm stupid. Yes. I just, I named it after the thing that was trying to kill it in the movie.

Yeah. It's like, Ruella was that hated the Dalmatian. That's the whole point of the movie. And then in three months, my mom was like, I can't take this anymore. It was like, you know, because she, we also, you know, I was in school. My mom was working.

Well, Dalmatian is another bad for an apartment in the city. and they're hyper and they need to be walked all the time. That's why they're good for firehouses. Exactly. We weren't doing that. So the only saving grace I thought is like, oh, I have a yard where I live now. I'm like, I can let the dog out in the yard.

But then the vet said, actually, you can't. You can, but Siberian Huskies need to be walking on a trail. They are bred to go 30 miles in the frozen tundra. So you need to walk. If it goes in the yard, that'll work for like a couple of days. But then once it's explored all that, that's not enough.

You have to have it going different directions. at all times. So I do feel a little, like, daunted because you realize, like, oh, now, you know, if I want to just pick up with my family and, like, go somewhere, you can't do that. Now it's like, who's going to watch the dog, all that? But I don't know.

That's fine, dude. I mean, whatever, dude. My toy, and it's a- If anything, you can just stay on the road, that's your wife's problem, you know? Right, yeah. Classic. Like, I left here, I came here,

and, like, my wife's got the dog, the kids and my dad and stepmom are staying there, so she's just dealing with all that while I'm here with you just eating muffins no care in the world just getting paid to make fun of Burton Tom

Of course, of course, yeah That is fucking hilarious Yeah, that's, I mean you really pick the shittiest fucking dog you possibly could Yeah, so it's got beautiful blue eyes though It is, yeah, they're cute

I mean my brother had a half half something Like half husky And she was great But she's still to this day So fucking energetic And they literally They had a kid and they were just like

They just gave it to my mom So now my mom just has a dog And she'd never never wants yeah yeah and her literally an old that the dog almost my grandma like is hangs out with a dog and we're talking about maybe the least mobile person on her we're talking about a 94 year old half senile Greek woman and the dog just keeps fucking her up and like licking her too much but they're friends man they're it's a fun little duo but it is interesting because a old school Greek woman would she will stab that right like the thing is with

old school Greek women it's like they've slaughtered lambs Oh, yeah. And that's just like a Sunday. No, no, my grandma, one of her first memories is, like, having a piglet as her pet. And just like, the classic, she loved it. I think the pig's name was boncho. She loved boncho. And then they just fucking had him for dinner one day. She got attached. And it was like, that's how the world works. That's what it is. We're eating boncho. Yeah. Well, I mean, I get it. I get it. You know what's interesting, too, about about this time doing the world. the Winter Bears is last time we had so many topics that Benson Spoon had prepared. We had videos from Tom and Bert. Now none of that has been provided. They actually weren't even here when we got to the studio. They were like, we forgot. Eldis is doing the boards back there. Yeah, yeah. Benson Spoon is like, you know, yeah, nobody cares. I mean, they had to call in Nadav. Yeah. They had to call him back in. Yeah, they called them in from Tel Aviv. It was hard. It was hard to get out. It was hard to get a visa out. Yeah. He was working drones. He was dropping.

bombs on hospitals. Yeah, Nadav left here. He'd rather work for Hamas than the YMH network. Social media for Hamas. Honestly, if he's doing social media for Hamas, he's doing a great job. I mean, the edits, some of the things they put out there on YouTube, really great quality. Which, by the way, that whole piece, I just read on the way, I mean, this is probably coming out a month from now, but I just read that whole piece deal fell apart immediately. Oh, I mean, it's a complete lie. I don't. Listen, you want to talk about how we ruin their sponsor, their advertiser sponsors? It's me talking about my views on the conflict in the Middle East. Yeah.

I mean, truly, though, it's like, those peace deals are such fucking bullshit, and they immediate, Israel immediately started fucking bombing people. And also, it's so funny that, what's funny now is that you thought, everyone joked that it's like, oh, I guess the world is run by, oh, these rich secret. and uh someone's got tapes of them having sex with children and then it's like wait that's literally how the world works like they like Israel fully has videos of Donald Trump getting stopped off by a child like a hundred percent every time whatever the fuck's going on whoever it was on Epstein's island they got that in HD I promise you they got better angles than

we that they have here they have fucking Bill Clinton double teaming a fucking double teaming of like 14 year old gymnast with like fucking Bill Gates. They got that in 4K I promise you that. Oh yeah lovely and yeah and Nadav is there cutting up the clips. And I was like what's the best part of this yeah let's get the funniest riffs

yeah yeah yeah he's like Mr. Clinton do you want me to zoom in and out on the subtitles what are we thinking here? Do you want subtitles? I don't know if that's great for the algorithm anymore yeah. They have the dark web TikTok, which is just the best highlights of them having with Trump. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude.

I mean, that is a funny bit that we could do. It's like, anytime we're really picking up steam, we just talk about Mobbani. Yeah. Just watch the fans. Shout out to him, man. Shout out to him, man. Well, it seems like Trump and Mom Dani had a good conversation. That's the funniest thing.

Trump is, he's so fucking funny, dude. All you have to do is be like, hello, smile. If you have the juice and you smile at him and give him a hand, handshake. Yeah. Like, he's smittened with him. Yeah. He think, like, do you see that picture him smiling at him? It was fucking, it was literally cute. Yeah. It was like your old, it's like your grandpa who likes your, it's like when you bring your socialist boyfriend to Thanksgiving and your racist grandfather actually ends up loving him because he's just a charming guy. Oh, yeah. It was so fucking funny. Dude. Well, so, but that is good. I mean,

as long as they said, I liked when they had the little interview and Trump, they were going to say, oh, one of the reporters said something to Mom Donnie, like, are you, do you still think he's a fascist and Trump's like, you don't have to answer that. He said, you can say yes. It'll take too long to explain. It's like, we got it between us. Don't worry about them, baby. And even said, like, I think he'll do a good job.

It's so sometimes, I mean, Trump really is like, he just, whoever's got the juice, if you flatter him and, you know, just shake his hand and if you're, if you just stand up to him, I think he respects that. He does. And he also, he knows who's got, he knows who's like doing well. Yes. He's sort of like a, he knows like, he, like, if you were a loser and you fucking treated him the same way Mom Donnie did, he wouldn't give a fuck. You know what I mean?

He would, he would demote you. But he sees, like, his sons, dude, imagine how Don Jr. sees this. Oh, yeah. He's like, you're, he's probably, he's never smiled at his sons the way he smiled at Mom Donnie did. Yeah, yeah. He's so funny. He's so mad. Yeah, it's like in Austin Powers gold member.

Like, when like, Scotty. Scottie and like he's just connecting with mini me and Scotty's like, fuck you. Darwin to me Yeah Yeah Well dude Well that's why You know like obviously

Zoran Mamdani You know first Muslim mayor Of New York And the flags The Italian flags And Ridgewood are flying At half-mast right now And listen dude

All I For me I'm about preparation And I said you know We have an incoming First Muslim mayor of New York That's why I went to Saudi Arabia Because I said Let me see

But it was a preparation Of course You got your prayer rugs Got my prayer rugs I understood is what, you know? And so, yeah, so I'm confident now. I'm moving forward. I did love that where people were like, literally just, he was like, 9-11 happened and we're going to let a Muslim be mayor? People were saying that like it was a real point. It was like terrorists who

happened to have the same faith 20, whatever years ago. It's like, they were like, they couldn't understand why people didn't have a problem with that. They were like, yeah, we're just, we're racist. Yeah, we can't have a Muslim. Dude, it was so funny. Like my group chat, you know, obviously He was like anti-Mamondani, of course. So it was funny, like all the guys in the group chat being like, we were defending our city, we're getting out to the voting booth, nobody bought for mayor.

You know what, even though Cuomo's gay, we're going to vote for Cuomo. And then like that more, you know, I don't live in the city anymore. So I like, like, text to them at like 2 o'clock. I was like, what did you guys do? How was the, how was the lines long or whatever? And everyone was like, dude,

dude, I got hung over. I didn't go. And, you know, Patty was like, I forgot I had to do a golf outing in Jersey. Like nobody voted. No, dude. Yeah, now just everyone's mayor. Because Cuomo is like a fucking, I mean, it was so funny.

That guy is such a fucking loser. Just like sexually harassing people and just being like, and losing and then being like, let me do it again. Yeah. I want to try it again. I deserve to. Well, it's one of those things too now, like his political career in New York is over because like to his, you know, to the base that he could get like the old school like white guys that would vote for him. All his opponent ever has to say to Cuomo is like, didn't you lose to a Muslim? And then people would be like, yep he did.

I ain't vote for him. But I also grabbed my secretary's breasts. Yeah. Come on. So that's one for me. It cancels out in the Italian voting block. Yeah. Oh my God, dude.

Well, what are you going to fucking do? Well, you know, I'm ecstatic. You know, I'm Mr. You're ready to go. Social services. You got a burqa lined up. I'm ready to the burqa case. Listen, I'm ready to have like, you know.

Well, dude, a Middle Eastern diet will help with your weight loss. So you can just eat what Mom Donnie eats. Some kebabs. Yes. I'll get some kebabs going. Dude, just go over. at his house, whatever they're doing. I'm looking into Islam now, you know.

It's a beautiful religion. I love the chanting. You go to a fucking halal cart and then she's like, it's fucking awesome. Dude, I love it. I mean, Franciscan chants are pretty good too. Yeah, Gregorian chants. But I just, there's something about the...

Yeah. Just kidding it. It just feels, you know. Oh, dude, when I went to Saudi Arabia, the dates, they all had dates and little Arabic tea. I love it. I brought it home. I started, you know, I told my jazz,

go with the dates. Yeah. Yeah. Go to date. Yeah. And I said, cover up a little bit. Yeah. I've learned something from the emir.

Yes. From the beloved emir. Yeah. As Janus and I said, well, Janus says it on the party. He's like, you know, the Islam, they have some interesting amenities when it comes to having a wife. Don't talk back. Don't, you can show your eyes and that's it. Well, it appeals to you too because they also just, they just have sex with men on the side.

100%. They just have like brotherhood. Like, they hold hands. They kiss. T.T. Jerry. Jasmine's, you know, uncle, you know, who did 20 years in prison and all that, he used to tell us that most of the guys he'd blow in prison were the guys who led the Muslim gags. And then he said what one Muslim, this is interesting. They would play the game there. This Muslim guy was like

kept threatening to like kill Jerry, whatever, whatever prison beef. Sure. And then he had, he was able, he was also blowing a prison security guard and like sucking him. Smart. Right. So he said to pretty sick to be in jail if you're gay as hell. Yeah. If you like sucking guys off. if that's your thing? Yeah. Why would you even leave? 100%. Wouldn't you have a great time?

So he was sucking off a prison guard and he said to the prison guard, like, look, dude, I'll continuously giving you blow jobs, but I'm going to blow this Muslim guy who's threatening to kill me. Can you secretly film it? So. Well, they pulled in Epstein Island. Yeah, yeah. Because the Muslim guys, you know, it can't be out that they're gay like that.

Of course. So when this guy threatened to kill him, Jerry was like, oh, yeah, well, how about I just post that? Or how about I just show everyone there? And then no more beef. We put it on the CCTV. Wow. Sucked his way out of a tickle. Sucked his way out,

which is what he's taught me a thing or two. Chris, just in case you ever go to jail. Yes. Well, I also wanted to say I forgot to bring this up, but it is, it's the end of the year, which means 2026 is coming, which means people are going to need a new calendar for the year. Oh, yes.

And we have the official Stavi Baby 2026 calendar. We have it all here, folks. Great. Jack Offiwary. Yep. Get head brew. February. Let's skip ahead to Gapril. I know you like this one, Chris. So I just want to, I want to let everybody know, you know, we've gone on here. We talked about Chris's Husky and

gay sex. Yes. And we also just want to, we also want to plug our own stuff. And also I want to say, go get that Stavi calendar because I believe I have full faith in my friend that 2026 is going to be the last year that he's, it's a heavy, it's a fat boy calendar. 2027, it's going to look Stavi with AIDS. It will, I promise that will not happen. 22 and 27, it will still be fat. Maybe by 2029, I'll be in a large. Yeah.

One of these, you're going to take it too far. You're going to start looking like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Dude, that would be, my head is gigantic. I would look like a fucking pez dispenser. I would love it. It is funny how so many fat people just happen to have humongous heads. And when they lose weight, they look fucking dumb as hell. Remember Al Sharpton when he lost weight?

He was skinny as fuck. Yeah. He's kind of normalized now. Yeah. But he was a little, he had that mirror selfie, where his head looked huge and he looked like, it was like a little boy's body. Because maybe it's like you just really, like it's not, you don't mean to be fat, you're just feeding your head. You know what I mean? Like you just head just needs a little extra energy, but it just goes dispersed to your body. That's right. That's possible science. That's an interesting, interesting theory that we will continue to develop

and look into. We're going to take a break. And by break, I mean, we're going to end the episode. Yes. And when you see us next week, we will have researched this. And we will, we will pick up right where we left off with the fat head theory. 100%. Go get those calendars and then listen to history hyenas. We got that and go to Christycomedy.com. I got one date so far in January and it's in West Virginia. Oh, I'm going to West Virginia too. You're doing the casino down there? I don't know. I'm somewhere in Morgantown. Oh, no, I'm in like something falls. Oh, wow. Not even the A market in West Virginia. No, I'm in a casino in West Virginia. So if you can do what you can and please support Hello Fresh in this podcast. Of course, of course.

I'd like, spring bears might be a necessity for me. That is, yeah, yeah, you come back. It's, it's you and, let's see, what fat guy are they going to get instead of me? Yeah. You and Sagalow are doing too bad. Yeah, me and Sagalow. Yeah, then he doesn't want to do it. Then it's me and Zachomico.

Then they're weighing Bobby Kelly. They're like, if you were a little fat or man, but you've lost too much weight now. Wow, that would be the great irony. Bobby just gets too skinny instead of making a bunch of money podcast. Yeah, the moment when he needed to be fat, he was skinny. would be a, that actually would be like a, yeah, the Greek tragedy of Bobby's life. Yeah. The second it was, I mean, because it's so funny. He also is the, he literally is the last guy to not use those. Like, as soon as Ozepic came out, he had already like, he'd already

done the work. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, that's so funny. Yeah. And it's like, having a, having a, having a relationship with, with Bobby Kellers, you know, we've both known for so long. Like, I can just, I was just at the comedy seller and he walked right past me and didn't say hello. So now this is like the fifth iteration of finding out what Bobby Kelly is mad at you for. And you have no idea what you did, but you just eventually you'll get a text and he'll blow up on you. And then you say, Bob, I'm sorry. And then your friends again for another two years. But the way he walked past, I said, okay, so now there's a new thing that he's mad at. What did you think? What did you do? I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know.

But I will find out. And then hopefully I'll find out by next episode and I'll read the text on the show and then get him mad at me again. I can't wait. Well, thanks, guys. That is episode one of the winter bears. We are here with you for four weeks, I believe. That's what so far. And, you know, we'll have some holiday stuff. Let us know topics you want us to cover in future episodes. We won't be able to do it. Of course. And we won't listen.

Yeah. These are pre-recorded in an even more hilarious fashion than the last ones were. Yeah. But just we'll pretend we listen to you. Yeah. In fact, let's make up questions for the people asked next episode. Perfect. Thanks, guys.

We love you. We'll see you next week. Bye. wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call two bears one cave.