2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - The Summer Bears Takeover! w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

Check out our new summer merch at https://store.ymhstudios.com/ SPONSORS: - Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/BEARS! #trueclassicpod - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears Tom and Bert are out for the summer, so Chris Distefano and Stavros Halkias are stepping in as your substitute Bears. In this unhinged takeover, they immediately derail the show with tales of cholesterol-fueled delusion, Nazi neighbors in Queens, circumcision conspiracies, radical acceptance, berberine powder, and why 4th of July is the real American holiday (sorry January 6). The boys debate who’s the Bert and who’s the Tom in their pairing, accidentally rank the world’s races, and somehow end up talking about diabetes, Greek shame, and Japanese war crimes—all before diving into engagement stories, dad stress, and the magic of getting fat on purpose. Also, Bert checks in from his deathbed to interrupt and tells them to talk about Indian people. This episode is chaos in shorts. True summer vibes. No lessons, no structure—just greasy hot dogs, high blood pressure, and fat guy fun. It's going to be a wild summer! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 298 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:00 - Who's The Tom & Who's The Bert? 00:08:23 - The Gay Family Man 00:13:56 - Bert's Request 00:21:43 - My War Criminal Neighbor 00:27:19 - Epstein Lists, Toothless Looks, & Fat Guy Speedballs 00:34:49 - We're Just Slowly Dying 00:45:19 - Fourth Of July 00:53:33 - Radical Acceptance 00:58:53 - Chrissy D's Favorite Holiday 01:05:11 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Hello everybody and welcome to two bears one cave Summer edition you fucking pussy. That's right. Me and Chrissy D are here. We're your substitute teachers. That's it All right, let's roll out. Let's roll out finding Nemo in French class. Yeah, we don't give a fuck You're not learning shit for six weeks. Yes, and a lot of you guys have thought we just actually got news We just got a text from Josh Zolo who looks like Benson Boone We just Yes, a more he's a shredded Mormon, but you do have a couple jowls compared to

him. Let's pull up the side by side. We'll put that up in post. Benson Boone. Benson Spoon. Benson Spoon. So we got, you know, a lot of you guys have always thought that it was going to be Bert Kreischer who died at any moment, but we just got news. Tom Segura actually died. Wow. Yeah, he's dead, dude. He was doing a ritual for Moloch.

Yes. He was doing it. He was doing it in your mom'sch. Yes. No, he was doing it. He was doing it at your mom's house live, and it got too crazy. Somebody just shit right in his eyelids, and he's died of sepsis. All the mentally disabled sex criminals they have to me propping up that show rebelled in a calm to death. Oh my God. Listen, guys, we're excited to do this this but we know what you know we read the

comments too and we're not going to save the show. No. The show's absolutely done. This is like when a marriage is failing so you adopt two fun children you know what I mean? Yeah. There's like the poochy episode of the Simpsons. Yeah.

Where they have the cool dogs and skateboards. Yeah. Yeah. Savvy and I are like the two cool Vietnamese kids that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted We saw before they got divorced. Yeah, we saw that ended up. Yes, Tom and Tom and Bert are gonna choke us on an airplane Oh my god, so I mean yeah, yeah, what do you think? I think we should first figure out who is Tom and who is Bert I think because my addictions will ultimately kill me I'm Bert. And because

you're a closeted homosexual with disdain for the working class, you're Tom. I agree with those assessments, however, but that's the physical. That's the external. Because the internal, actually, if you looked at our numbers side by side, I have like 300 cholesterol, blood pressure through the roof. I have my liver for some reason, even though I don't really drink, is just expanding at a rate that doctors can't figure out. So I have- You're the anti-Bert.

You look healthy, but your body is in shambles. Yes. I'm a reverse Bert. I'm an any Bert. And so I think on the exterior, I'm Tom, interior, I'm Burt, and on the exterior, you're a Burt, but the interior, you're a Tom. Because I saw bad thoughts, and when he shits his pants,

like in that first episode, he just shit running down his leg, that's a Stavi right there. That is a move my guts have pulled many times. That level of diarrhea, now I've made it to a bowl, but I have seen what was on Tom's pants in my bowl right a lot right soft sir I mean shit that is basically soft like liquidy soft serve when they don't get the they don't get the fucking combination, right?

Yeah, you know yeah, and it's not frozen enough. That's what comes out of my ass more often Yes, I think and to what I love about you, too Is I remember one time we were doing your pod where we're going to come over and do your pod. Because by the way, I can't do a podcast without a Greek person sitting next to me. I keep trading Greeks. But I remember we're going to do your pod and you were like, hey man, I'm eating healthy. You know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm I'm gonna do I do my walking early

I got before the pod and then three thousand steps It's it's early as fuck But I then we got there we got there even earlier than you had expected and we saw you finishing your walk But you were coming out of the supermarket holding a pint of ice cream It was Halo top, okay, that's methadone for fat people. It's methadone Ben & Jerry's is Halo Top. 330 calories. That's it. You know the mocha chip. Yeah. You know you can do a little something with that. That. Pie and protein. I'm gonna say though dude, you are, you've, what you've done is you've pulled your fat together and you look actually good. What you look like now is a guy who's

designed to be just a little heavier, but healthy. Thank you. That's how you look. I just want to get back to regular stores, man. Not having to shop at specialty stores, not having to look at, not having to scan the dark web for shirt sizes. When you're so fat, the stores that sell your shirts also sell heroin and child pornography. You got to fucking reel it in. Yeah, everything you get has got to be from the G, the Gap Factory. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oops, we accidentally stitched two polos together. Yeah, that's it. Who's going to wear this? Yeah, but you look good. You feel, dude, and you know, and I think that this is going to be, I think this is going to be fun. I think this is going to be good. And I think that at the end of the summer, what you'll see

is eventually a post of Bert and Tom saying, we're stepping away from two bears one cave. And this didn't work with the guests either. Because the advertisers have all left. Yeah, they're like, they're like, stop being de-stepinal. What the hell? Is it giving money to them or whoever that... Are they a sponsor, Benson? Yes?

They are. All right, there you go. Oh, well, yep. What a good product. Yes, that we both use. Love it. That's how we're keeping the pounds up. And by the way, also too, we're both in shorts and Stavis in shorts, so it'll be nice to just see our thighs. You got direct line to our nuts, for sure. Now, you have, we're circumcised, right? No. Greeks are not? How dare you? Well, I thought Greeks were. No. Puh. Oh, interesting. We're circumcised, right? No. Greeks are not? How dare you? Well I thought Greeks were.

No. Puh. Interesting. We're not a part of that Jewish conspiracy. So Yanis isn't clipped? No. If he is, I would have a huge problem with Yanis if he was clipped. For real.

And I'm not even, we've told a lot of jokes early on this podcast. Wow. But if Yanis was circumcised, I would feel betrayed on a level I couldn't even verbalize to you right now. I gotta think that he's clipped Because he's never told me that he wasn't now. Here's the thing about Yanis He is he his family is here one generation He's one generation removed from the homeland right for me

And I do sense a little like he's a little ashamed of how much we're pretty much Arabs You know what I mean? Like yeah, he Like he's a little more, you know, his family were like lawyers, academics. My dad's a contractor, my mom repaired rugs and was a waitress. Like we're a little more, we're closer to the uncircumcised, you know, lower classes. Like in the Titanic of Greeks, I'm downstairs fucking yeah you know

doing the jig down with the Greek Irish and he's upstairs yeah you know fucking put putting on a cotillion he's Billy Zane Billy Zane and I'm fucking Leonardo DiCaprio and he could be you know what because he's and his true true his his class of Greeks are a little closer to the gays right he's at least high upper echelon society so he might have gotten in with the gays enough where they may have convinced him to clip it. And that would actually betray... I mean, which seems philosophically against... A gay man, you'd think they'd want less cock flesh?

It seems philosophically against it. No, see, if I'm thinking that they want... Aesthetically. Aesthetically a cleaner looking cock. I think you're being homophobic in the way that you think it's all about aesthetics, but it's also animalistic love of penis. Right. Which I think, and respect of penis, which is where I come from.

And I think where I'm coming from is what I want as a gay man. Let's get really down to it. That's the other thing about two bears is that we're, certainly we have some Tom and Bert analogs, but also just as bears, I think we're the two archetypes of fun fat guy's been fat his whole life. Bear, you know what I mean? I've been getting sucked off by twinks, whatever. You though, I think are the opposite, where was a twink that's aging into being a bear. Kind of like when Michael Jordan went from the two to the three, as he put on some pounds later in life, you're going from like regular gay guy. Yeah. You're

aging into bear right now. I was wearing number 23. Yeah. Now I'm a 45. Yeah. Now I'm wearing number 4. I'm on the wizards. I'm a gay wizard. I'm a Washington wizards gay. Yes. So that's interesting. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, because that that is true because look here's the thing is first of all I'm getting actually married to a woman you are getting married We're getting married finally ten years later three kids kids dead couple of court dates eight fucking a change of male forms Yeah, I mean you have moved more than anyone. I'm moving again. I close on Thursday I close on Thursday I mean your fucking realtor well has sent his family to fucking to college Oh, yeah times over yeah, the fucking brokers fees you've paid

This is why this is actually part of what the court don't have to show up for because the courts are like what do you do? Yeah, this is borderline child neglect. Yeah. Yeah, yeah but but so I move a lot and then, you know, getting married and what I think though too is I've, you're always looking, I was always looking for something to be like, oh, maybe I don't wanna get married or maybe I wanna have all these kids because I'm gay or whatever.

But now I've finally, due to radical acceptance, just figured out that I'm actually not gay. Are you positive? I am 1000% positive I'm not gay at all. And when you say that, did you give it a little whirl? Yeah. Have you ever given it a whirl? No.

You put your dick in a man's mouth. No, never. Never. Never. Never. Not even that, which seems to me like- No. I can put my dick in a man's mouth. No.

And I wouldn't lose sleep over it for one second. Listen, dude, I've had, again, all boy Catholic high school growing up in the city, I've definitely liked, you know, balls on the bridge of your nose. I've done things like that, balls on his shoulder, content, you know, because you would do, you know, throw him over his shoulder like a continent. Getting hit by a priest. All that, right, right.

Yeah, beating up a Latino kid. Yes. Turning the self-hatred for getting all committed into racism. Classic Italian from Brooklyn stuff. Yeah, exactly, dude. Getting a blowjob from a guy crossing the Verrazano. If it's on a bridge, it doesn't count. It's like international waters. That's in the shadow realm. You're just in a suspension. You're like a fucking little harness I've never hooked up with a guy on land so therefore you're not dead

Only on a Carnival cruise and under the verrazano bridge yes Dude, I know so that so so I wouldn't say you never you never even thought about it, huh now And also too I've been asked by my family, which is, it's interesting, we're 10 minutes into this podcast, and the one thing my family asked me last night was to not please stop with the gay jokes, and I just, in the first 10 minutes, just made them, maybe on the biggest platform I've ever told them on. When you say your family, you mean like parents or do you mean your children? No, not my children. I mean Jasmine my fiance. Yeah, she's

He's told me enough. You know like your kids are getting old enough now the kids in schools are like Oh, isn't your dad the one who said he got anal blasted by a priest. Hey, welcome to the new school Because my kids always have to be the new kids because we move so much. And then they're like, you know, the new kids always get a lot of attention and they find out her dad and then it's always like, oh, right. Hey, what about this YouTube clip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Look, true classic isn't just about fit and fabric. It's about helping guys show up with confidence and feel good doing it. The stuff fits right, feels amazing, and it's pricey. You don't have to break the bank just to look put together. What really makes them

different though, it's the intention behind everything they do. True Classic was built to make an impact. They're not just making clothes, they're helping guys feel better in their day-to-day. Giving back to underserved communities. And yeah, they even make you laugh with ads so they don't take themselves too seriously. I've been wearing True Classic for a while now. Honestly, you can feel the difference as soon as you put it on. It's tailored in all the right spots,

relaxed where you need room, no weird bunching, no stiff fabric, just an easy, clean fit that actually works. So forget the overpriced designer brands, skip the cheap throwaway stuff. True Classic is built for comfort, built to last, and built to give back. You can find them at Target Costco

or just go to trueclassic.com slash bears and get yourself sorted. Trueclassic.com slash bears, B-E-A-R-S. I spent a long time thinking about starting a podcast. It felt like overwhelming, like something I'd never actually do, but then one day I stopped overthinking and just went for it. If you've been losing sleep over starting your own business wondering what if I've been there, it's time to stop wondering and start doing.

And Shopify makes that first step way easier. Cha-ching! Shopify's point of sale system is a unified command center for your retail business. It brings together in-store and online operations across up to 1,000 locations. Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient. Endless aisle, ship to customer, buy online, pick up in-store, all made simpler so customers can shop how they want and staff have the tools to close the sale every time.

We've been using Shopify to power our merch store for a while now. We couldn't be happier with the results. Turn those what ifs into why nots. Keep giving those big dreams the best shot with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash bears. Go to Shopify.com slash bears,

Shopify.com slash bears. A-cha-ching. Summer nights are heating up and if your mattress is trapping heat, it might be time for a change. Avocado Green mattress uses breathable organic materials that sleep cooler naturally. All avocado mattresses are crafted

with certified organic latex, wool, and cotton, breathable materials that sleep cooler and are free from harmful chemicals. Designed to provide exceptional comfort and support with options ranging from gentle firm to plush, meeting diverse sleep needs and preferences. Take their mattress quiz to see which mattress and comfort option is right for you.

Promote better sleep through breathable, naturally temperature regulating materials, which can improve overall wellbeing. No harmful chemicals, just healthy materials for a cleaner, safer sleep. Resourcing to production, avocado holds itself to the highest sustainability and safety standards, certified organic, and always honest.

I love this mattress. We just got one from my mom who is raving about it, and if she's sleeping well, God, that means you're going to sleep well. Head to AvocadoGreenMatress.com today and check out their mattress and bedding sale, Avocado Dream of Better. Do they have, maybe you don't want to dox them, but you should give them a fake last name, not your name.

So I don't have my, that's the, we were talking about that, but then my family was like, you know what, but then that messes with their identity so little, so I was just like, whatever. I don't have a name, I don't have, do you get packages sent to your house with your name? Yeah, I do you do yeah, I mean that's which is dumb. I should stop doing Yeah, because it's just like they just see the name and then I've been on it's not a problem here I'm not famous anywhere, but Baltimore because of the Ravens videos, right? And that's it. It's not your hard work

It's never the now you want it's always like some pretending to be white trash. Yeah. And so I think in Baltimore, I need a foo. In Baltimore, I'm going to start having my packages sent as Chris DiStefano. Dude, please. Dude, nobody knows me, and I approved that. I had to cancel my show at the Lyric because the tickets. So that show has been fully canceled in October.

Big room, man. Yeah, that was it. 2,500. That's dumb. That was a stupid mistake. You'll see me at Magoob, man. Yeah, that was it. 2,500. That's dumb. That was a stupid mistake. You'll see me at Magoobies. Yeah. But I think for your big, none of us really are that.

We're big to our podcast fans, internet fans, but none of us really are like famous to the point where like you need like security. It may feel like it, but also too, dude, nobody from the internet is going to show up at your house and do anything bad. It's just not going to happen. It's just not going to happen. I don't know about that. I think like I know, I know the news channels you watch, they don't cover mass shootings anymore. I know Newsmax just kind of puts those under the yeah You know put those under the rug But I think we got some some evidence that a lot of guys from the internet are doing plenty of crime

The problem is with me is and you know, I've now changed it But we realized that it was very easy to get those all my doors have like key codes Yeah, and every code was 1776 So any true patriot is allowed to come into your house fuck your ass yeah your snacks yeah yeah yeah you have that flag the original 13 colonies and you have some type of revolutionary war garb on you can come and have sex with my family we're brothers dude. Yeah man.

That's fucking hilarious. I think, I think yeah, but this is, this Tom, Bert, supposedly Benson Boone, Benson Spoon said that Bert had a video for us. Oh shit. Look at that. Bert's got the, even just right here, I can tell he's got six months left. I can tell that his arteries and veins hit it. They're looking good, too And he's gotten redder and redder these last few months. He is

Unbelievably fit like he might know in the best shape of anyone you've ever met. It's insane the adversity He puts his body through. Yeah, and how much it perseveres. Yeah, he is a medical marvel for real He just keeps going dead. No matter what And like dude, I did the I did fully loaded when it was like him taking it easy right and One and a half days of attempting to keep up with Burt and I literally need like a week and a half off Yeah, I had like fucking my stomach just just drinking at all I did mushrooms and floated down a lazy river and then had to do a fucking show in front of an arena Yeah, I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking just the snacks it almost killed me

And I by the way, I was getting fucked up every night every night or that was in my like taking Yeah, I was more dick pills and Pepto Bismol right and fucking Xanax and I was fucking man at that time Yeah, and go and I was like, oh I can hang you know Yeah, not he's it's fucking insane. What yeah, he's capable of. I see he's got like, yeah, Neanderthal jeans. All right, let's see Oh, yeah, sorry I look like Warren from something about Mary Frank Shambiz Hey guys, it's Bert. I We I would love for you guys to talk about Indian people today. Okay, I've run into a bunch of Indian people on my trip

Take any good stories about Indian Burt's like let's let's fucking let's he's ironically outsourcing Indian racism. Yes He's like why don't you guys try and say something that'll get your careers ruined? When a guy like Burt says it I don't know if try and say something that'll get your careers ruined on our broadcast? And when a guy like Bert says it, I don't know if he's talking about Native Americans or people from India. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true. Because the way he's saying it, he's putting some stank on India. So I'm like, are you talking about like Civil War Native Americans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the Cherokees? Are you talking about people from India? Oh yes, this is a man who's been thrown out of many seminal casinos in his life, you know what I mean? But alright, let's keep going. By the way, not doing that. 100% not just giving my thoughts on a race carte blanche. But anyway, let's keep moving. What else we got Josh?

Indian people always fucking rock. Indian women are the fucking hottest women in the world in my opinion. Indian men are always helpful. I've never had a group of Indian kids pull a prank on me. Now he's kind of reverse psychology he's not going to get now he's kind of reverse psychology trying to get us to be racist he's like aren't they so cool aren't you know yeah I feel like he's literally

like Leanne is off camera like telling him what to say to back it up back it in when they see me it's just smile. So any stories about Indian people or any stats about Indian people, any interesting knowledge about Indian people, then if you don't want to do that one, how about this. I would love for you guys to break down America's Greatest Holiday. Okay, it was just 4th of July and I would love to hear you guys pick which you think the best American holiday is and then take it head to head with what you believe is the world's greatest holiday, whether it be Carnival in Brazil or the day they throw tomatoes or running of the bull. I hope you guys have. Oh, also, can you guys talk about Rolexes and luxury cars? Yeah, luxury, what luxury car you want to buy what Rolex you want to buy this Tom's the talking points I hope you guys have a great episode. I love you guys today. Thank you so much for doing this

I'm sure it's gonna be amazing. I cannot wait to listen. Oh and mention that my tour permission to party starts I'll be in England though. I will be in London We yeah, we take over the... look at that pause by the way. That's him realizing what a mistake he's made giving us this podcast. Vote Zoran. That's why he's bringing up Indian people. He was like, I saw Stargirls talking about some Indian guy. Maybe he likes Indian people. I do. Okay, I will say great cuisine. You know what I mean? Incredible cuisine. My true thought in terms of hot women, yes, some incredible bangers there. Bollywood. Have you seen RRR? Have you seen that movie? Dude, Bollywood movies. Fucking. I mean,

I don't think that's technically Bollywood, but it's a story about like three Indian revolutionaries And it's like it's awesome because I'm gonna take these off by the way. I'll do what you do. Yeah, I'm sweating I have too much fat your sweat Good ears for your ear if I just zeroed in your ears, I would say a guy's probably pretty ripped Which by the way, what is this? That's not your body. That is not me. That's my actual body. Which they had no problem using and then they went to your, I guess, your search history.

Yeah, they found that. Yeah, they literally, that's, you saw his actual body and then they picked some rip guy and they just gave me a bear head and a yarmulke. That's it. I mean, now that might be Matteo Lane's body. Yeah, it's true That's another reason why I know I'm not gay Matteo Lane told me look me nice a dude. You're not He's like you are not so what you like? The gay sorting hat he's like Harry Potter. Yes, he Mateo's put his bare ass on your head By curious at most so all right so I would say RRR is a banger okay great movie okay but yeah I have pretty limited and I you

know I've pretty limited you you know growing up here in the in the great melting pot of Brooklyn, what were your experiences? So that's the thing, because Baltimore, I don't think you guys have a lot of it. In the suburbs, I mean, that's the thing. All the Indian kids I knew were like, because Baltimore, we didn't have much, but like closer to DC, there was like, it was actually a very diverse, a lot of like, this is, I guess, that this thought, a kind of positive racism,, it's like some of the first like really smart like computer mathematicians

I would work in the government and so the most affluent county in I think America is either a Montgomery or Howard County Which is like south of Baltimore between and there was like a lot of kids I met a lot of like I did meet one piece of shit Person in kid because he was like, he was still holding onto like the caste system. Like he thought he was fucking, but he wore like holocaust or Hollister. I was gonna say, you do know my friends.

Damn, he wore a Hollister. It was funny to be like a like intra Indian, like supremacist, but wear like, you know, lacoste and be like a like intra Indian like supremacist right but where like you know Lacoste yeah and have like a little earring and like be like a fucking you know like sexy bro you try to be like a sexy bro thing is with Indian people to me what's always insane is like here like at least in New York like people make fun of them but it's like every class the smartest kid by far is Indian so like as far as like the

immigrants go I mean I would put them as like you're the leader and see what we've done now is Bert has has has made us start ranking races so I'm gonna go ahead and do an executive and we're gonna move this along and just say go watch RRR and eat some fucking roadie yeah's all I got for you Eat a samosa, jerk off to hot Indian ladies The last thing we need is somebody like me ranking racist, then we're in a beer hall push by the end of the episode

That is true, you are a crypto crowd You don't get enough credit for You have the Italian last name, that does a lot of kind of reflecting You're marinara washed, I would say I does a lot of that does a lot of kind of reflect your marinara washed. I would say you know where it's like you know, I deflect a lot with the Italian because oh Chris Stefano, you know presented myself as this

Italian, you know like Puerto Rican women all that stuff and that stuff is somewhat true, but then into the ancestry.com and it's 98% German 9898. What so even your dad? Yeah, that's why me and you had to stop the podcast for three years. It was like, I can't go near him. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health with 61% of the global workforce experiencing higher than normal levels of stress.

To battle stress, most of us can't just wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with a focus of stress. Most of us can't just wave goodbye to work, but we can start small with a focus on wellness. What I do while I'm at work on this show in Atlanta is I take a walk around the lot. I take a walk around the lot. I try to breathe in fresh air, look at the trees. I get an incline from town now and then. I get a little bit of sun.

It's awesome. A holiday is great, but it isn't a long-term solution for stress. Don't forget that therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges you during the work day and or during the day and or during the night, whatever it may bring. Therapy is so, such a great tool

for the little things that drive you nuts. The little things add up, next you know you're blowing up. You write them down, you talk about them in therapy, I do that all the time, Leanne and I are in therapy, not because we're having any problems, but because we're getting in front of it. Get in front of it for yourself, give yourself peace of mind and joy.

With BetterHelp, they have over 30,000 therapists, the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over five million people globally, and it works with an App Store rating of 4.9 out of five based on over 1.7 million client reviews. The best part, the reason I work with this company is because for me and you, it's convenient. It is so convenient.

You just join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus you can switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. That's better help. H e l p dot com slash bears.

Better h e l p dot com slash bears. What's everybody summer is here and we've got some awesome new stuff in the YMH store. Survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection available now at store dot YMH studios dot com. But dude, so to the point where I grew up in Ridgewood, Ridgewood, Queens has become like, it's like exploded. No, no, Ridgewood is sort of like, it's Bushwick now. Right. Yeah, yeah.

So, and it's the property values are through the roof and that's where I grew up. So like, you know how like Texas, like people from Texas, like Backwood, Rednecks are like sitting on oil fields and all like multi multi millionaires But they can like barely speak. Yeah, those are the people of Ridgewood like now like my family Oh, like, you know, we freaking you know

I they threw like a party for me cuz like when I you know scored like 25 points in the basketball game I made the Ridgewood Gazette. Yeah Made it out of Ridgewood doing whatever Wow, that's brutal. You're the one who made it out of Ridgewood. You're the success story out of Ridgewood. I'm the success story out of Ridgewood until it was revealed that Jeremy Allen White lived in Ridgewood for a few years before he did the bear. And so now, so he gets the bear and I get two bears one day.

So he, but so in Ridgewood, they had such a big German population to the point where if the Nazis, this was explained to me, if the Nazis had successfully taken over Europe, they had like a plan, at least just some writings of them coming over and trying to take over the US. Like that was a real thing, They had submarines close to Long Island. And in that plan, they had one of the like main housing points for like their top generals, maybe even Adolf, was Ridgewood Queens.

Your exact address. Yes. This is where they had circles. So, you know, like it went around a lot, you know, recently how like the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in the 30s. Yes. The main catering came from two bakeries in Ridgewood. Oh my God.

You were fucking making the loaves of bread for Nazis. Dude, so that's insane. Across the street from me, and that's not close by the way. No, that's not close. Ridgewood's not close for MSG. No, no, no, no. They were like, we are specifically getting from there. They had to take the trolley in from there.

100%. There was this guy, an older man, who lived across the street from me when I was a kid. And I would always play with him and his grandkids. He was just a cool older guy in his 70s, 80s. My grandfather, who fought in World War II, would always hang with him. They would smoke cigars together or whatever. And then he died, right? And I didn't think anything of it, like just died.

And then the Masad was outside with a blow dart. You know, got his ass. Well, I didn't know because just being a little kid. And then it wasn't until years later when I was talking, my grandfather died and we're talking about my grandfather at the wake. And my, one of my uncles was like like it's great how like you know your grandfather was like able to just like make amends like that's what was great about his characters he could just forgive and forget just keep moving on

and whatever and I was like yeah and she he was like you know like how his relationship was with with Rudy and I was like what and then he was like what do you mean he was like you know like with I was like oh and then he was like, what do you mean? He was like, you know, like with I was like old like the old man who lived crochet goes Yeah, I mean those guys, you know, they are they were on opposite sides. Yeah, I was like, what are you talking about? I had no idea. I was like, I thought they were war buddies. He was like they weren't war buddy They weren't they said they fought in the war. Oh my and so he was a Nazi There's just a Nazi hanging out living across the street. That's insane, dude. Yeah.

And everyone was just cool with that. Yeah, 100%. I told my mom, because now the house is worth like 20 times what she paid for it. Because Ridgewood has exploded. I was like, when people come over to look at the house, you say, oh, a Nazi used to live there. Right.

And see what happens. Right. See if you can bring the value down. It is one of those things where my mom has told me. She's like, I'm like, mom, you should like sell the house. She's like, no, no, no, I don't want to sell the house. This is a family inheritance.

She's like, you know, it is in the will. When I die, when my mom dies, she's like, this is going to go to you. I want to make sure you and your family have an asset. And I said, mom, I'm going to sell the house at your funeral. So if you want to make the cash. If you keep not being able to sell the lyric, that thing's going fast. If you don't make bonus at Magoobies, you're selling that fucking house quick.

I was like, mama, because she always wanted to go on like one of those European Viking cruises and I was going to get her one. I mean, the Ridgewood racism is fucking, that's the Europe she wanted to see, the plunderers. That's what she looked up to so and I was like yeah she made fucking nuts I'm doing it like a heartwarming story like it's you know like oh isn't it great isn't it great how they could put like yeah you know put things aside yeah well they that and then like and and they put that they were telling me like that became friends and how like I used to play that they would tell me like that became friends

And how like I used to play with like his grandkids and I'm like, where are those kids now? Like where is granny there? They're in the Department of Health and Human Services. They're fucking on running ice right now Dude a couple wearing a ski mask and just trying to find anybody that has a tan Yeah to try and fucking deport them to the guy Dan Bonjano Anybody that has a tan yeah to try and fucking deport them the guy Dan boy Bonjano But a bonjino from the head of the deputy director the FBI. He's another rich wood queens guy Yeah, those guys got so cucked now they have to pretend the Epstein list didn't happen I know I saw that today and there's no client list. I was like come on What do you think is more relieved Bert or Tom?

I was like, come on. Who do you think is more relieved, Bert or Tom? The abstinence is gone. Of the two, I think Tom would do it to get into the Illuminati. Yes. And I think Bert could be peer pressured into it if the other billionaires would like him. You know what I mean? I don't think Bert would want to be a billionaire.

They're like, oh, we thought you were cool, man. He's like, oh, I'm cool. They're like, oh we thought you were cool man. Yeah I think you would Tom would just be soberly having Like this will get me a ten-year deal at Netflix, right? Yeah He would just be calculated and neither one would enjoy it. Don't get wrong I don't think they're that kind of guy if I was like hey Bert like, you know If you just have a kid, it'll be a really good tour promo kind of guy. If I was like, hey Burt, like you know if you just have a kid it'll be a really good tour promo for Red Rocks. Stephen Hawking's in the back, check out the permission to party tour.

Because I think the mindset of those two guys are like, are like Tom always believed this was going to be his life, he was always going to be famous, he was always going to be a multi-meal. I respect that. Where Burt cannot believe this happened. He can't believe he made it out of Tallahassee. Which is awesome. Burt's vibe is like guy who wished on a genie lamp to be the biggest comedian on earth and is just like having a good ass time the whole time. And that was fun. I mean I will say the fun, that tour is the the the fully loaded tour is insane right it's like just having a fucking party on 14 buses oh it's is the coolest shit a bus is the fucking best dude yeah but isn't it tough you can't shit on it which is the thing is that's

why I'm not interested in doing it at all because I'm like I got a shit a lot I know you mean I so I did I take creatine shit dude I well listen I took some what I ended up doing was the kind of the fat man's speedball Which are like a non drugs the shitting speedball? Which is I took a lot of pepto because I did a bus this last go-around And it was great, but I would do pepto preemptively But then I would also take metamucil to help with digestion. So they would be these fucked up, one stops you from shitting and one makes it so that like shit rockets out of your ass.

And I would take, I would wake up in a fucking cold sweat. It'd be like 9 a.m. I'd be in Memphis. You know, I'd wake up in a new city. I'd be like, I need to find a coffee shop. And I would just run for a coffee shop or a fucking, you know, Hilton Garden Inn, pretending I'm there. I need to use the bathroom. And I would take the most insane shit of your life.

Because you get these weird, like, black, green Pepto-Bismol shits, but they would fucking rock it out of your ass. And they'd be like soft little pebbles. It looked like non-lethal bullets, honestly. It looked like what they're shooting at, like, you know, protesters. I was gonna say, yeah, hit that protester with that. But so do you, okay, so that's how you, shit,

but where do you shower? How does that work? Do you shower at the venue? You wanna live like that? I liked it, bro. There's not a part of me that wants to do that. It was fun as hell. And I would tell, you know, my best friend is my tour manager.

He's bad at his job, but he's my friend. Of course. But it's fun to hang out with. I had JP McDade the fuck the bet you know one of the best comics one of the tallest comic ever everyone was like 6'7 but me which is hilarious Elders is 6'7 JP 6'7 our videographer Sexy Saxon he he was like 6'6 you're just 5'9 shitting pebbles thank you for 5'9 I'm 5 seven. But I appreciate it. Really? Oh, I think you're five nine, dude. Thank you, man. I carry myself.

Yeah, I'm wearing heels. I wear heels all the time. No, what I actually am, here's what I do. I think it's a power move. I'm five eight, but I say five seven. Because most people that are five seven say they're five eight. So I think it's a power move to, because by the way, society doesn't,

five seven to five nine, no way, society doesn't, 5'7 to 5'9, no one fucking gives a fuck, right? So it's a power move to deduct one inch and be like, I don't even fucking care. I'm 5'7. That's interesting. Shows more confidence. Exactly, exactly, exactly. I think, I think that's, well you are, that's the thing about you is where your sex appeal

comes in is overconfidence. Like when you didn't have a tooth for a year, you probably got the most punani ones. Girls are like, this guy doesn't care. Yeah, I went from getting the most pussy I ever got to, like, having the only good relationship I ever had. Like, a woman was like, I want to start a life with you, when I was toothless. Even though she was, I will admit,

there were times where I, like, met her friends, she was like, I really thought you were gonna put the tooth in. Just like, me and her like friends. When I met her family, we hilariously broke up four days after, but like we both met each other's family. She was just like, put the fake tooth in. She was like, we're not fucking around.

You're beating my grandmother. She's not gonna think I'm dating some toothless piece of shit. Even though she was. Even though she was, hey that's, I actually miss the no tooth. I wish I had no tooth with a ponytail that look would be next because no tooth ponytail chain You just look like a like a badass old-school like Greek guy that really the thing is with a guy like you

There's because there's there's a lot of guys like me. There's a lot of guys that got the stupid hair You're with a George. You know what I mean? You got my piece of shit I you know you're 40 years old you're still trying to get into the NYPD You're taking the practice exams There's a lot of guys like me yeah, there's not a lot of guys like you true There's not a lot of guys who come out here Yeah hair the tooth the shirts like kind of just owning every bit of you hypertension takes a lot of guys who will come out here, the hair, the tooth, the shirts, like kind of just owning every bit of you.

Hypertension takes a lot of guys like me. It's a lot of high, just surviving is big. If I can make it to 50, I'll be the, it's kind of like Highlander. Instead of killing each other, it's our own hearts that kill guys like me, you know what I mean? Yeah, guys like you have lifespans like you're in colonial America. Yeah, we have like, I have a Great Danes lifespan. But your blood pressure, cholesterol, all that normal. It actually is weirdly normal.

See, that's what I'm saying. That's a lot of- It's coming though. There's going to be one doctor's visit that's like, it's all going to hit it once. You know what I mean? That's like my friend, huge drinker, he had a drink at least one alcoholic beverage every day, has not missed seven days a week at least once, he's 18 years old and he says he's perfectly fine, of course he's in the FDNY, perfectly fine and then a week ago they

were out you know wherever they went. They go on like these random vacations because we're I'm the only one that has kids so they don't even include me now like I'll just wake up to a group Text and they're like in Ocean City, Maryland or Florida. I'm like, they know like don't even invite you the real classy guys Yes, the two places you fucking mentioned Ocean City is fucking Ocean City Fort Lauderdale or Atlantic City And so and so my my boy was like he's in the group chat he goes Oh, let's get something to eat and then so they go down, you know, I'm not there, I'm just reading the text. And then one of my other friends is like,

yo, he can't lift his arm, he can't get the fork to his mouth, his arm just stopped moving. So they're like, we're having to pick up his arm and put his, get the food in, because he realized he was down there, they were down there for seven days, he hadn't eaten in four days, just drinking alcohol. Oh my God. Just drinking alcohol.

Oh my God. So I was like, so what's going to happen with a guy like that is the one day that God's just going to turn the switch on and then day by day it's just boom, dead, dead, dead. I mean, absolutely. At least I'm slowly dying. Sure. You know it's called, you see it, you can make plans for it. 100%.

Every time you move a house, it's so that there's less stairs. Yeah. So there's no less things you have to climb easier to life and like I you know people would look at me That's the picture they use any like they think and then two separate life insurance policies have done the whole test like we can insure you They're like what is this like easy cut easy community's got a show in Saudi Arabia and his cholesterol's 400. Are you going to Saudi Arabia? Are you going to do that gig? I can't do it.

Can't do it. Can't take the Saudi money. I get it. I didn't want to do it either. I was contemplating. I was like, maybe not. And then Jasmine was like, well, we're getting married. We got the house.

Who knows? We'll probably sell it again. I was like, I can't do it. And then she was like, you're going to take that fucking money. And I was like, OK. You're going to have a maid was like, you're gonna take that fucking money. And I was like, okay. You're gonna have a maid that doesn't have access to her passport, whether you like it or not. You're a Filipino woman who's trapped in the desert.

Well, you can never see your family again. Well, what's good about a gig like that, for me personally, is this is one where like, it's not even like, there's no question Jasmine can't come. She's... There's no more endangered species than a mouthy Puerto Rican woman in Saudi Arabia. It wasn't even question like because normally when I go overseas it's like jazz it's like if you do come yeah just Yeah, just know you're coming back headless

That's yeah, I know dude so but but wow I that's Saudi Arabia spooky to me Sam Orrell's going I know the Jews I've talked about yeah, I've talked about it He's like he was like dude. You'll like if shit goes down over there. You got my back I was like I'm gonna grab a stone to Setup what are you talking about dude? It's like Sam grab a stone too. I'm going to join the mob and get out of there. I've got to get home. I was like, I can't risk this shit. The answer's set up. What are you talking about, dude? It's like Sam Ari. Yeah, you're there to throw them off the scent. Yeah, all of a sudden I start yelling, show shot up! Damn, dude. I mean, whatever. All entertainment money is fucking blood money in one way or the other anyway.

I think too, man, with the world the way it is, it's like that's how I feel. It's like, you know, dude, you go down these rabbit holes and then you're like, even like I was, you know, giving money to like the green initiatives and then like something pops up where it's like, this is a scam. Right. You're giving money and then you're like, try to do the work to like look into is it or is it not? Then you just get exhausted and you're like,

dude, I don't know anymore at all. Like even with health, I was eating, you know, to like help my cholesterol and all that, like all this yogurt, like yogurt, Faji yogurt, the cream, dude, the Mediterranean diet, that is why your numbers are so good because that Mediterranean diet, dude. You know, people say this shit all the time.

Here's my theory on why- Lemon potatoes. Here's my theory on why Greeks have the highest life expectancy. Life expectancy? Life expectancy? Is because I promise you people are pretending their dead relatives are alive to keep taking retirement checks. I promise you, the reason Greek alive,

because by the way, he's like 90 on average, is because someone who died at 68, their family has been pretending he's alive and cashing his fucking retirement pay for 20 years. So you're saying the stress is down, they don't have any problems, is that what you mean? No, no, I'm saying the numbers are inflated. Oh, you're saying, mathematically, half the people that died at 88, They don't have any problems. Is that what I'm saying? The numbers are inflated

Mathematically half the people that died at 88 died at 52 of a heart attack Yeah, eating fucking lamb chops and rocking drinking fucking you know, but it's you know, I get it Uh, it's it's all a mathematical anomaly because we're committing fraud Yeah, that's my that's my real theory on why Greek although will say, my uncle is maybe the fattest guy I've ever seen in my life. And like, fat in a way that, his body composition makes Burt look like a twink. He's got, he's fat, but it's like, his belly is like a djembe.

Like you hit it, it goes boing, boing, boing, boing. Like it's taut as fuck. It's like, he's got the kind of fat that feels like muscle That's clearly like constricting his organs hundred percent. He's had diabetes for 30 years. He will no medicine Yeah, I mean he takes he does take his I will say he takes yeah, whatever medicine was in vogue 30 years ago in Greece Just eats like a fucking piece of shit Still like he's like almost eight. He's like in his 70s now still kicking that as hell I mean he is losing he's lost sight in one of his eyes

Yeah, maybe maybe his feet are coming soon yet. You know who knows what you know what dude cuz I saw a guy It was in those great restaurants by the way. Oh, yeah is the fucking course. Knows exactly where to go to eat. Exactly where, dude I'm telling you man, when I got this news about, cause what happened was I go in, I thought I was like in good shape or whatever, and then the doctor comes back with the blood results. So normally they just email you or give you a call, but I got a call from the receptionist,

like the doctor wants to see you personally. The doctor's taking a car to your home right now. There's no more time to waste, Mr. DiStefano. I hope your affairs are in order. I got called into the office. So I go in there and he literally was almost like not scolding me, but he was a little bit like, I go in, I'm like, oh, hey, Doc, how are you? He's like, good.

He goes, let me ask you a question, Chris. He goes, you're a relatively smart guy, right? I was like, no, I don't know if I'm smart. I was like, I have an education. You're like, no. Yeah. Next question. Yes.

Yes. You have an education. You got a fucking, the education of being like getting a scholarship as a white Italian basketball player against you. I'm like, it's not exactly the most, where'd you go to fucking school? Archbishop Malloy.

And then, and then where'd you go to fucking college? St. Joseph's College. Yeah, dude. I'm like, you want wanna call that a fucking double Catholic education? Yeah, I'm like, yeah, I went to private school. He's like, it says if you went to St. Matthias, I'm like, all right, I went to Catholic school.

Yeah. But he goes, he goes, if I was to tell you that your total cholesterol is 300, do you think that's a good number or a bad number? The way you teach babies colors. Yeah, yeah. Is this elephant gray or pink? Pink. And then I go, and then I was like, I was like, well, you know, it depends.

I was like, 300's good in baseball. I'm Teddy ball game. Yeah. And he, I'm the Ted Williams of cholesterol. And he goes, and he goes, it's a bad number. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, and I go, yeah, but I eat right. He goes, No, you don't. And then I swear he goes, he goes, Let's let's do this. He goes,

what is the last foods like the last two weeks of eating? What does that look like? And I was like, Oh, I think it's been pretty healthy. And he's like, What is what does that look like? And he asked me to take out my phone. And then he was like, if you look back at your calendar, usually that jars your memory of what you ate. And it actually works. I never even looked. Like, you could look back at something 10 days ago

and see, oh, I did two bears. Oh, I remember some meals. Boom. And so we figured out in 14 days when I really, he gave me like 30 minutes. He was like, think about this and write this down. I had had in 14 days something like 15 egg, cheese, and avocado sandwiches.

The avocado is healthy though. You got some green in there. Yeah, but he was like eggs, cheese, and the bread and ketchup. And then I had 22 slices of pizza. So every day you've had a very balanced. So he was like, and then I was like, yeah, but I've had salads with it, whatever. Classic fat guy move. He was like, and then I was like, yeah, but I've had salads with it, whatever. He was like, this cheap. When I was opening for Bobby Kelly, our move, we would get wings, but also salads. And we'd be like, well, yeah, that's fucking healthy. Bouncing out.

It's protein and fucking lettuce. That's healthy. Fucking pouring ranch on all of it. You know what I mean? But anyway, I'm sorry. And then he goes, oh, you have, you know, what you could do is if you want to keep eating the pizza. I said, well, maybe I could keep eating the pizza, just take the cheese off.

He was like, no. He was like, it's baked in oil. And he was like, so. So why? What are you getting out of that? That's the best part. I know. It's like, if you're going to eat it.

But he said what he literally he was like, look, dude, this was in April. He was like, I'm going to give you till September. Okay, you have till September. If your numbers do not come down by dude, this was in April. He was like, I'm going to give you till September. OK, you have till September. If your numbers do not come down by September, I have no choice but to put you on medication. Oh, wow. Like, you have now reached the end.

He's like, because you've been telling me for five years that you're going to get it in check. And he was like, it's never been 300. It's always been like 200, 220, back down to 210. He goes, but I don't know what happened to you. And then I go, oh, I think one of the protein powders I've been using is high in cholesterol. He was like, that's not it.

It's not the protein powder. The protein powder I've been using, you-hoo. Yeah, yeah. Powdered Nesquik. Yeah, chocolate milk has protein. And so now what I've been doing though now is I've been taking, you ever heard of berberine? No.

So it's like a natural, like, so- This is the newest bullshit you've believed in? No. Every time we talk, you're into some bull, you were into God for a while. No, so it's like a natural like so this thing you is bullshit You've believed in know every time we talk you're into some bull. You were into God for a while. Yeah that over relatively When I saw Joe Rogan back on I was like maybe I should get So now I'm back on how many shitty fucking open micers are gonna start going to church now I know the way these pretend to be into MMA. They're like I love a st. Paul in the epistole letter to the apesians Well, just kill Tony minutes about the Virgin Mary

going off on the Philistines and having sick crazy bits about Joseph Philistines and having sick crazy bits about Joseph. So, the reason why I like berberine and red yeast rice is because for me, the one thing, if the Chinese have been using it for years, I'm in, dude. And the Chinese are all about berberine and red yeast rice because they don't really do, I mean, they do statins and all that in the pharmaceuticalss but that's what they've been doing and they have like year after year some of the lowest cholesterol they've also been walking they've also been steamed vegetables and like you know they haven't had they they don't

even know what cheese is in half of China so I think there's a little more you can take from the Chinese than their than their oriental powders. I take it's so funny. I'm trying to live like this Chinese lifestyle. Take all I don't take any of the vegetables of the steamed food. All I do is take the red yeast rice and then smoking cigarettes, hovering off the floor, gambling, gambling, gambling. Yes. Saying openly, I hate Taiwan. Yeah.

And I'm like, why is my cholesterol going down? Yeah, man. What did you do for the Fourth of July? I mean, that's a fat boy holiday? Yeah, man, bud. What'd you do for the 4th of July? I mean, that's a fat boy holiday. Oh, 4th of July, I went out. Also, Bert, you know, Bert asked us about it. Yeah, because Bert asked what our... What did you eat, though? Let's go there.

Okay, so actually, for 4th of July, I went down to my aunt's house, and what happened was, is I don't really... I've been trying, like, not to drink as much, but I had two back-to-back spot-in beers. That's the thing. My family goes in with some heavy German beers, and I was just throwing back spot into my anti-lean. And it was just...

It is funny, literally, like, when it was culturally cool to be Italian, you were Italian. Yeah. And now that half the country is Nazi, you're like, oh, I'm German now. I'm drinking spot in beer. Let's deport everyone who's not white. This is what my family's always believed.

I'm more... Good fellow. I don't even fucking like Scorsese. As soon as the Chinese take over, I'm just sitting on the floor. I have the things through my hair. Oh, the de-stephan-o's. No, Ridgewood was a fucking Chinese. They used to call it Little Beijing.

You just keep fucking changing your fucking mind. I just pay with everything in yen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So 4th of July, I had these back-to-to-back spot and I got a buzz because once it Start mixing with that berberine and red yeast rice. I just So I start getting crazy German and yeah German and Chinese you get the powders in the yeah, yeah Inhibitions kind of like two types of people that love getting fucked up 100% Oh, yeah, dude don't sleep on the Chinese. They get absolutely hammered.

And don't sleep on the Japanese. Historically, the Japanese get absolutely hammered. Japanese might be the biggest. Actually, you know, maybe Japanese is even more. Cause do the Chinese get that fucked up? Cause I do, I, my Asian friends, although I guess I'm thinking of Koreans, they would drink through, they would get like flushed. Yeah. Like that's like a thing people talk about, the flush. Right. And that's how much they love getting fucked up. They would be bright red. Yeah, just so fucking fucked up. They loved it, man. And yet the Japanese that cult that drinking

culture is fucking insane insane. And they and you just and dude and you would love it too because you can fuck prostitutes and it doesn't count as cheating that which is which I think I'm not going to go as too far is that is the one thing I like about Mondani's campaign. What's decriminalized prostitution? That was good. That's the thing. I think I'm not gonna go as to far as to say that is the one thing I like about Mondani's campaign We all circled in the neighborhood, okay, fuck this guy except that one. Yeah. Yeah, we don't want a living wage Yeah, we don't want to be able to afford rent but prostitutes So but but um, but I think I think you know with the Japanese

But I think I think you know with the the Japanese They also to historically we're just dude the way that they used to beat the shit out of the Chinese You ever look into that? Yeah. Yeah, just crush them But but a lot of the reason bring up say they a lot of the Japanese veterans are like we were just hammered We were all drinking doing drugs and we're just killing everybody. Yeah, yeah, not really an excuse No, but committed genocide. Yeah, like we're just killing everybody. Yeah, yeah. Not really an excuse to commit a genocide. Being like, I had too much sake, so I fucking leveled the village. Sake bomb. They, but so we ate.

It's hilarious how much revisionism for the Axis powers you've done in the last hour. Yeah, yeah. I'm like telling you how German I am, and then I'm like, hey, you know what, dude? The Japanese were just as bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like telling you how German I am and then I'm like, hey, you know what, dude, the Japanese were just as bad. Look into it, dude. Look into Unit 731. They were real scumbags. They killed like 100 people. Yeah.

But so what happened was I'd been pretty good on the diet, but I started drinking, getting hammered on these spuds, and then, dude, I realized, like, throughout the course of 20 minutes, I ate an entire like family size bag that my aunt and uncle had out for the family of Ruffles potato chips and another family size bag of M&M's. Ruffles, Ruffles, just plain potato chips.

Plain. Plain. And then to try to wash it all off, I was like, all right, you know what, I'm not gonna have a cheeseburger. Yeah. And so, and then, but then it kind of, I was like, you're not gonna have a cheeseburger, you gotta pay for this. And then it got to, all right, have know what? I'm not gonna have a cheeseburger. Yeah. And so, and then, but then it kind of, I was like, you're not gonna have a cheeseburger, you gotta pay for this.

And then it got to, all right, have a burger, no cheese. And then it got to just have the meat. And then it got to, you know what? It's 4th of July, it's a holiday, just have a double cheeseburger with extra ketchup. That'll show. And then I was like, maybe I'll just go walk a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we, and then let's go walk to this 4th of July celebration. Of course. And it just went off the rails, dude. And I literally woke up July 5th being like, you absolute, this is supposed to be America's birthday and look what you did to your body. Right, right, right, you piece of shit. What about you?

You're disgusting. Yeah, I love, I mean, the 4th of July, great. I will say 4th of July is the one time that the rest of America shits on New York City. Right. Right. I love New York, best city. I'll never leave here. I love living here. I have a place in Baltimore for my visit, my family. Beautiful place.

We went to it. Yeah, yeah. You were there. I love it here, but I will say, Fourth of July is a total suburbs backyard. 100%. Pool, shitty pool, just got the chlorine in. I don't want to be on a rooftop in Williamsburg There's a hundred. Yeah, there's like 40 people you're fucking you're like this. They're passing around like artisan

Sausages yeah, I want a shitty dog. I want burgers that were frozen. Yeah, right this can't be high-quality meat Yeah, I want to eat four. I want to eat four shitty burgers Yeah, I want to eat one Maybe maybe nine hot dogs throughout the day Yeah, you know I mean like a hot dog the way like the way like you'd eat hors d'oeuvres at a wedding I want to eat hot dogs. Yeah, I eat hot dogs like they're pigs on the blanket on 4th of July But chilling on a on on on on a in a lawn or on a backyard by a cannonball in a shitty Yeah, dude, I gotta go. I don't want to up your six-floor walk-up in Greenpoint. I need the kind of pool that the guy who owned it is so,

he's leveraged up to his eyeball. He took a second mortgage for this pool, he can't afford it. He thought it would make his wife love him again. He's gonna lose the house. We don't know this is a going-away party, this Fourth of July barbecue, but that's the vibe I want. What you want then, I've only went once, you want, what you want to do is

go to Paul Verzi's house. Paul Verzi's backyard. I've been to Verzi's house. Get ready for the 4th of July party though. No, no, no. That's the one I, God willing, I would love to do that. You get the invite next year. I would love to do that.

Dude, it gets so crazy that instead of the cops and firemen coming to shut it down, they just go there preemptively and join in. Yeah. So as soon as the neighbors start calling the cops and firemen, they're like, no, no, we know. We're making sure it's safe, because we actually can't stop it. It's like a 55 minute.

Respect. Dude, and then what happens is it's just in conjunction, everyone starts singing the national anthem. It just happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you start singing it on repeat. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that does make me patriotic. That's when it's like when some, and that's

I'm not saying this about version, but it's like that is another beautiful thing. The fireworks display is like there's some straight men that are so repressed that it's their only form of expression is like getting illegal fireworks and putting together the sick. They think about it all year. They're like, I have to have the best one. And there is something beautiful about it. It's like how parades used to be awesome in the 30s because every closet of a gay guy, it was the only time you could think of fabulous outfits.

Yeah, I think our, I'm happy for gay liberation, but you have to admit parades in America have really dipped in quality. They have. Since gay people were allowed to be out of the closet. And that's the fireworks display is sort of like that for a guy who won't talk about his feelings, feels inadequate as a man, you know what I mean? His life is passing him by.

His cholesterol is 300. He's not responding to statins. This might be his last fucking summer. He needs to fucking spend $1400 on illegal Pennsylvania fireworks. Exactly. There's nothing more beautiful than that. I'm going down to the Delaware Water Gap. Yeah.

I'm going to have these M80s, and I'm going to show you that I'm alive. I'm going to the Joe Biden Memorial Fireworks stand, and buying them tax-free. Do you think, so what is your going off Bert's question, because this is one we can get into, what do you think? What's your favorite American holiday? I do think 4th of July is the best American holiday.

It's not even close in my opinion. You know, the holidays are fine, Thanksgiving, Christmas, classic stuff, whatever, but 4th of July really is the one. And by the way, Greece won the Euro Cup on 4th of July. At this point, maybe 20 years ago, it was 2004, so 21 years ago. So I literally had the best Fourth of July in my life when I was 14, is that that long ago? No.

14 years, holy fuck. Are you 34? I'm 36, I was six. Dude, so in 2004, it's 21 years ago. 15. You were 15, yeah. Wow, damn, the Reaper's coming for us all. It's crazy, dude, dude, wait until you hit 40,

it's like, it blows your mind, like I'm'm 40 I feel like I've been 40 since I was 30 You know what I mean? Like when I turned 29, I was 40, right? I'm the I'm the kind of guy 40 is gonna be my peak, right? I haven't even gotten to where I need to be. Yeah as of you know, we're having like dying a diner owner Physiognomy. Yeah, it's like 40 is where I peak, you right 40 to 54 and then it's gonna be Dude I'm gonna crush those next 12 years. Yeah, you're not getting it. You're getting it. You're you will you're going in a wheelchair By the way, like I'm gonna try and keep it together Maybe have a family maybe be like an uncle until my nephew, you know, my brother just had a kid.

I want to be around until they're like, you know, adult, like in their mid-20s. After that, dude, I'm getting so fucking fat. I'm eating apple pie with every, I'm having pie after every meal. I'm treating my life like it's Thanksgiving weekend. After you know, maybe 55. I mean it's while it's hot as shit whittling. My dick hasn't worked in a decade. Okay.

It doesn't matter. By the way, that's how it should be. Yeah. You should go out a big sexless blob who's just watching television. Yeah. You know what I mean? Watching your favorite movies, eating like shit. Well, that'll get you actually, I think, because I was saying before, I was in Salt Lake City and I saw this old dude, this group of old guys.

They all, every single one of them, I mean, these guys were old, like 80s, 90s, they looked like decrepit old Yeah, yeah, but they were all talking they're all wearing like, you know They're freaking fisherman hats and their veteran hats and they were all of them had double chocolate chip muffins open-faced toasted with butter butter muffin Now that's gonna make me start crying. Yeah, that's actually patriotic. How fat America is is the most patriotic? I feel yeah because we other countries can't even consider the damage we do to ourselves at a buffet. Oh my God.

Something they don't even have a concept of in other countries. Dude, do you know like even in America, like our blood pressure, like standard 120 over 80, cholesterol, they want it to be under 200. These are like the numbers. If you have these numbers in America, they're like, great job guys. In France, if you had the numbers that we're plotting applauding here they would put you in the emergency like if your cholesterol is over a hundred in France they're like what are you doing quick get this guy a cigarette and have him have an affair with an underage teenager you know like that'll

settle cure him yeah feed him a baguette somehow and they'll be healthier than us but he told me this guy I literally I couldn't believe because I see these older guys and I walked up and I was like, sir, I just want to ask, like, like you're eating this muffin. Yes. You know, like, how are you eating this muffin at your age? Like, what is it? And he goes, he literally has almost like was preparing for this question.

He goes, do you know what the difference is between my generation and your generation, son? I said, what? He goes, you're going to eat the muffin, and then stress all day about eating the muffin he goes I eat the muffin I enjoy the muffin and then I move on and forget about the muffin Yeah, so my stress he was like the thing that that's killing you ain't the muffin. It's the stress about the muffin Yeah, which by the way, what the fuck does that guy know? Yeah, I know exactly genetic lottery. Yeah

Nobody knows shit. Yeah, that's that you really are with some one of those gullible guys of all time You're fucking putting Chinese powders in your shit You're being a some old guy Told me he's not stressing over the muffin. Yeah, that's the end there. You're trying not to be stressed You're you're you will stress. Yeah, that's the you'll never not stress. I feel like you're a stretch You're a nervous guy. I just have to get out of so what is it then? How do I you think I just have to be, I just have to radically accept that this is who I am.

Which that's another thing you're into now, radical acceptance. I never heard you say radical acceptance for the 10 years we've known each other. You've said it four times in this hour. So that's another new thing you're into. Do radical acceptance proclaim your rarity? I don't even know that one. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I think probably just eating a little better. And you're stressed because you've moved, you've pretended you're not married for a decade

instead of just getting married and building a life with who is clearly your life partner, you have children with. You're stressed because you change addresses every fucking six months. You know what I mean? There is something, you do need to just accept that your life is pretty sick and stop trying to,

you keep trying to like bite off more than you can chew for no reason, because your life rules. You have hit a lottery. Like with the amount of fuck, both of us, with the amount of hard work and talent we've had, how much money we make is fucked up. Crazy. Like it is, like the only reason people shouldn't kill us

in the streets is because they should be killing Jeff Bezos in the streets. Like he, the fact that there's an ultra-rich class who like that cocksucker made a $50 million you know, Amazon drivers are pissing in fucking Gatorade bottles to make their deliveries because you know, you ordered a frisbee and God forbid it doesn't get there in a day and a half or else that guy's getting fired. The Amazon shock collar is going to go off on the driver and fucking Jeff Bezos had a $50 million wedding. That's what, that's who they should you know, kill and take and stuff. The Amazon shock collar is gonna go off with a driver and fucking Jeff Bezos had a 50 million dollar wedding

That's what that's who they should you know kill and kill right? Yeah, but if it wasn't for them podcasters We don't deserve anything that we have Like now we got so fucking lucky. So it's like yeah, dude. Just enjoy how cool your life is Just get a nice house. Stop trying to fucking move and get the perfect place Just set your route. Like you do need to, actually radicalism might be good for you because it's like, your life's pretty good, stop trying to fucking

bite off more than you can chew. Well that's what I think, since I've been practicing radical acceptance, I've been, that's why I think it, because my favorite holiday, by the way, is January 6th. Were you mad when Trump, the silver, you were mad Trump guy like, you're like, well, no January 6 Were you mad when shot the silver you were mad Trump guy like you like no January 6 this year Because you know what happened is so I had the engagement ring for my for Jasmine for like months, dude I had it and I was just like couldn't pull the trigger couldn't pull the trigger and then it's a random Monday morning It's like 7 a.m. I'm the kids are getting ready for school. I'm downstairs

It's January 6th of this year, and I'm watching the news and they're talking about January 6 Come over me where I say no matter what everything's gonna be okay this nation this marriage And I literally go I tell my steps and I go hey get the ring Yeah, so he goes up there and gets it he puts his Viking helmet on And gets and then literally I made the decision at 7 a.m By 7 15 we were fully engaged in the living room on a Monday morning I had all the kids sitting on the couch So I actually did it in a way where it was cool all the kids were there sitting on the couch you I had my

Stepson record the whole thing. He wound up recording the top of our heads. But I had to record the whole thing. And then Jazz is in the kitchen, like making breakfast. I love that it's next to like your stepson's screen recorded pornography probably. Next to your camera roll, like the most touching moment of your life

is when like some girl on TikTok shaking her ass. You know what I mean? Some streamer having a nip slip. That's his saved videos. But anyway, just next to his texts, his group chat about how much he hates his stepdad. Just thinks this guy absolutely sucks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So, but so we're sitting there and then I'm like, hey, Jazz is like making breakfast, like being a mom. Like dude, a mom, a Monday, think about this. January 6th, first day back from school after full Christmas break. So she is in, like, the kids are not getting up. Mom mode has been, like, deactivated for two weeks. She is abs, she's exhausted.

I got to make lunch for all three kids. None of them want the food. The mom gets... Chris is saying he has to focus on pod. He can't help out. Not for everybody to make a bologna sandwich. He's thinking of riffs for Janis right now. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hang on, I have to focus on Pod. He can't help out. He's not ready to make a bologna sandwich. He's thinking of riffs for Janis right now. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hang on, I have to jog and meditate at the same time.

I'm doing radical acceptance. I've accepted I'll never help you with anything. Yeah, yeah. You should too. Yeah. I'm literally not helping. I'm snorting berberine off the coffee table. So she's, I'm like, hey, like I got, I'm like down on one knee in the living room with the ring and I'm yelling, I'm like, Jazz, come on, can you come in here for a second? And she's screaming at me. She's like, Chris, I cannot, I have to make all the practice for the kids.

You didn't do the dishes last night. She's like, did you get their school uniforms laid out? I'm like, they're not going to wear the uniforms today, babe. And so, and she's like, Chris, I'm not, and then she's like cursing at me in Spanish. It's like all off camera Yeah, and then she walks in I'm just standing there like with the ring and she you know Obviously was like so happy my daughter was like we're finally gonna be a family Good god the fucking the therapy you've caused these kids

What they think a husband should be? Yeah You are fucked by the way I can't wait to see who they start dating Which non-committal fucking idiots they fucking start dating Well so I- Well the thing- The kind of lie that I've convinced myself is the truth that I've told my oldest daughter It's like well the reason why I wait is because I wanted you, my oldest daughter, to have memories of the wedding Hilarious So that's why I waited when it's really just like daddy just needed to kind of get to a place where he just radically accepted his life and also to make sure that

you know. His cholesterol is so high, he's realizing health-wise he couldn't do better. Even though financially you're doing well, at this point you wouldn't find a woman who would, you know, you need someone who's going to change your catheter, you know what I mean, in a couple years. And that,'ve realized that's where you are now I know like I tell my family like after we get engaged I'm like we're gonna do the the the wedding, you know on this date and my daughter and my family is like finally We're gonna be settled. I was like, it's gonna be great. I was like, I've also put an offer in our new house Wait, what I thought we're gonna be so I was a good closing. We're closing in a month. Yeah, and it's got the yard

It's got the pool. and this is what it is. But my therapist actually did tell me last week, she was like, you know, I gotta be honest, she was like, over the last year, she was like, the commitments that you've made to your fiance, to buying a home, to staying on top of your health, she's like, we are all pretty proud of you.

And I was like, thank you. You're like, thank you, and she was like, all right, that should keep him on the hook for another two years. Two years. Like, I can't believe I've milked him this long. He hasn't made progress in a decade. I know. I always- He's behaving the way a 30-year-old should. He's 40, whatever. I always think like I have this great therapist, and then I'm always reminded that maybe they're not,

because they asked me to pay them through Venmo. So I'm like, I'm just Venmomoing some lady. Yeah yeah yeah some lady just sitting in our apartment. The same way you buy ketamine is the way you fucking get therapy. That's beautiful man that's a real love story right there is you finally finally getting engaged to the woman you have three children with. Yes yeah to the woman who like she like literally like I for the longest I was like yeah but look in the will, if anything happened, like you would inherit everything just like you're my wife.

She's like, yeah, but I'm not your wife. It is hilarious. What was the hangup there? Fully, full 100%, not accepting, you know, kind of like just- Thinking you were gonna do better at some point? That, and that's the thing. And then you realize like, oh no, no, no, no.

I hit the lotto with her too and my family. And it's like anything that you want that you're always like searching for like more what's out there. Maybe this could be better. Maybe that could be better. And then it kind of just hit me, I think, from literally just being mentally exhausted of like my life is going by and I'm not even understanding any of it.

I'm never in the present even. And I said to myself Dude, everything you have is like such a blessing So just you have a beautiful family if beautiful me have a beautiful career. Everything is fine Yes, like this is like the life that because I sometimes I think we all think as people some of us think as people Like oh when X happens, I'll be happy when X happens or when this happens in my career. I'll feel good It's like, you know life is is happening now it's about the journey and we this is what Chris says then like two weeks some me too allegations drop yeah I'm a family man

well that's beautiful man I think that's gonna do it for episode one of the summer bears Chris and staff take over we hope you guys had a wonderful time. We hope we haven't lost too many of the sponsors That's right. We also don't give a fuck fuck you Tom. You made a big mistake Putting two fucking idiots. Yeah, your podcast. Yeah, I can't I wish there was valuations to see how much this drops in six weeks Yeah, we'll find out we had a blast. Thank you guys for listening We will be back next week and every week, I think for the next, we're your summertime boys. We're your summertime boys.

Thank you guys. Hope you had fun and honestly, fucking, if you have shit that you want us to talk about, if you have topics you wanna do, if you have like, is there stuff you want us to, you know, should we look into, should we do a segment every episode where it's like, how would we improve Two Bears One King? You know what I mean? Like, is there stuff you want us to, you know, should we look into to should we do a segment every episode where it's like, how would we improve to bears one kid, you know what I mean? Like, is there stuff you want us to do? Is there stuff? Is there things that Bert and Tom have done that you want

us to comment on? Do you want us to kill ourselves? That's also another thing. Do you hate this even more than the regular show? That's probably what's going to happen. Because if I listen to a podcast of two guys I liked and then two dickheads, I don't know Just yeah, I'd be pissed. Okay. This this is already two bears 1k views are always going down already going down And then you bring in Chris and stop and they talk about berberine for an hour Now I'm supposed to watch the screen and Nazis. Yeah, that's the show Yeah, we don't actually give a fuck either way. We're just here having a good time. We're here with Benson Spoon. We're going to have a nice summer here. But yeah, this is, like we said, we are your substitute teachers.

We're rolling in a movie on that cart every fucking week. Every day. And we hope you have a good time. We'll see you next week. Bye guys. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's the story, Bert and Tom. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert. Bert and Tom, Bert and Bert, one goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.