2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - This Episode Is Getting Us Fired w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Check out our new summer merch at https://store.ymhstudios.com/ SPONSORS: - Eat smart at https://FactorMeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off plus FREE shipping on your first box. Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano are back for round two of Summer Bears—and things spiral immediately. Dressed in their finest “Queens County court appearance” outfits, the guys dive into tales of impersonating cops, awkward court appearances, and Chris’s brief career as a physical therapist (and even briefer run-in with medical malpractice). The bears get uncomfortably honest about massages that went too far, AI-generated thirst traps, and whether or not Bert and Tom make smashable women. Plus: Stav drops knowledge about Benjamin Franklin’s revolutionary sexcapades, Chris reflects on losing MSG (but gaining perspective), and both dudes debate the pros and cons of fake tits, handy wives, and aging out of horniness. It’s unhinged, unfiltered, and definitely leading to the hosts getting fired. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 299 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:08 - Chrissy Court Date 00:06:15 - From Physical Therapy To Comedy 00:18:25 - Happy Ending 00:28:45 - Lady Tom & Bert 00:34:32 - Female Stavvy & Chrissy 00:43:55 - Handy Women & Unhandy Men 00:53:07 - Benjamin Franklin 00:58:32 - MSG 01:03:36 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% What's up everybody Welcome to yet another episode of two bears one cave aka the summer bears. I'm Chris DiStefano This is Stavros Halikis. Halkeous. Halkeous, but I like the I goes after the K Why I'm sorry, man I don't know. Yeah, I don't know you take it up with my ancestors We got Josh Zolo aka Benson spoon on the ones and twos. He looks like Benson Boone going through estrogen therapy One month into HRT

Softer Benson, yeah, yeah, we should wish I would kill to see Josh attempt a backflip oh it would be so great to just we do these great episodes here in New York and then with Josh just goes back a full paraplegic and then he finally gets his wish of getting on Kill Tony I mean so this is it we're here we're dressed to impress today. That's right. We both have on our outfits of how we would appear in court. Absolutely, dude. No, dude, I got to go to court after this. I got some Christy court dates of disputes. And you were caught shoplifting women's jorts. Yes. Because the cut is better for your hips. Yeah, I was well, no, actually, what happened was, is I was caught impersonating a police officer, which normally is okay

But I got caught by the wrong cop So so now I have to go appear in court for that and this is my court outfit That's nuts head to toe is everything was purchased at the Queen Center Mall. I love that I got we got a Queen Center from czar Queen Alfani. Yes This is Alfani. These jeans are Guess. Oh, okay. I got the boots down here.

Chelsea boots. Chelsea boots, probably from Foot Locker. Yep. And this is just, but honestly, because you can't go into a Queen's district court like too fancy. Then they'll know you're like, then they'll know you're guilty. Who does this guy think he is? Yeah. You got a neck tie on. Yeah. What are you doing? Like I'm coming dressed as like this is how

we would all dress up like you know going to our cousin's christening's at the at the nights of Columbus. Sure. You know off Queens Boulevard. Yeah. So this is what I feel like a Queens County District Judge wants to see like this guy's just being this is him like in a tuxedo of course yes absolutely tuxedo because if you come in an actual tuxedo suit they're gonna be like what all right now you're well tuxedo is insane it's like stepbrothers don't understand what a suit is that would be awesome you come in in the top hat dude I've ever been in court like you've ever had to like get like cross-examined? No. No.

Never? No, never have. How many times have you been? Just me, huh? Actually, this is my second time. Okay, that's not so bad. It's pretty nuts, too, because it's like they... Like, you think it's easy because, like, we talk for a living and, like, we can handle

situations, but then, like, when you're out there and, like, a professional lawyer is catching you in every lie possible. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. And they keep reminding you, like like you are committing perjury under oath And then they bring your they bring your girlfriend over to ask you if you were actually texting your boy Stephen the other day That's somebody else. Why do you have a snapchat and let's remind you you're under oath mr. DeStefano Is it really for marketing purposes? Are you really plugging dates on Snapchat, Mr. DeStefano? Yeah.

You know, I, so, and it gets hard, but I think I'm prepared for this one. I know what I'm going to say, what I'm going to say for the net for an hour. I don't know who put that hard drive in my RAV4. I'm just going to literally have the hand on the Bible the whole time and go, I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. I plead the fifth. Yeah.

So, this, the first time you were in court, it's not, it was never criminal, right? These are like, okay. No, no, no, no. The first time I was in court, I was actually getting sued over a physical therapy thing. Really? Yeah. That's right. I forget about your past as a physical therapist.

And it wasn't even me, actually, that, like, I just had to go as, like, what do they call it, like a character witness? It was my boss who was getting sued because he was I think fully committing medical malpractice Really, that's what they just had they were basically He's just being Russian yeah So he's like jerking off a kid with no Parkinson's yeah like this one this will solve yeah Just holding his hand there the with Parkinson's. He's like, this will solve. Yeah. Just holding his hand there, the kid's Parkinson's.

Getting his dick jerked. Just a slap. Yeah, if you jerk off a guy with Parkinson's, could you just hold your hand straight? And the Parkinson's would do it for you. You don't have to do anything. Just oil up your palm and let him fucking convulse. Yeah, dude, he was just tea bagging every patient

he thought was Ukrainian. But no, because, he was just tea bagging every patient he thought was Ukrainian. But no, because what happened was is what a lot of these got... If you have ever looked at your insurance bills, if you ever had to go to whatever, doctor, physical therapy, they kind of sometimes bill... It's all codes. They sometimes bill these insurance companies like you've come in and like, okay, you had knee pain, whatever. But then they'll bill like something crazy where the insurance companies like you've come in and like okay knee pain whatever but then they'll bill like something crazy where the insurance company sometimes don't even look and they'll pay the therapist more money but you didn't have

that injury gotcha right so she they'll inflate stuff to make more money I think he was doing that and they basically just asked me they're like did you ever see him like doing anything like inflating you know records and all that and I was just like no I have not seen He told me because he I think he was like Russian mafia, so he just got I'm saying plead the fifth He's like you just plead the fifth and that's self-incrimination Well, he was you allowed to I don't know. That's what he told me to do And then the look but the lawyer then the lawyer overall lawyers like the legal team Well, like we're gonna ask you like you're not even big

enough in this case to even be cross examined so like will you'll come up as like a character witness for him saying good guys like just we're going to ask you like softball questions and they like you know was it was he always nice to you. Yes, you know you ever all these things so interesting but it was it was it was fun to be out there and now here I am again and I wore the same outfit. Actually, you know, the last outfit I had,

I came dressed as a physical therapist. I had on khakis, I had like a pen. Scrubs. Yeah, interesting. How long did you do that? How long were you a physical therapist? I was a physical therapist. I got my license.

So what happened is I literally passed my physical therapy licensing exam, July, I think it was July 15th, 2010. So July 15th, 2010, I'm a fully licensed physical therapist. July 25th, 2010, just 10 days later, I do my first open mic at the Creek and the Caves. Yeah, so I literally was a licensed physical therapist for 10 days saying, this is what my life's gonna be,

I'm committed to this craft. And 10 days later I was like let's do a full about face and go see Rebecca Trent in the creek in the cave. I got tired of massaging the developmentally disabled yeah 10 days of that and I'm like nah I gotta have some of the worst Mexican food ever served in the world and do some of the shittiest open mics. One of the craziest things I've ever seen there and now we could say cuz that's not even a place anymore no it's in Texas that it is great now it is great the Creek in the cave this is not the creek in the cave in Austin in Austin it's a great club Creek in the cave in New York not there anymore probably condos

for Korean Koreans like but remember that Mexican restaurant there dude me and Mike Cannon saw this we're walking dude we're walking down to go do an open mic like 2011 it's the middle of August it's like 100 degrees full humidity it's like you're in Vietnam yeah yeah yeah you are just like dripping sweat me and my we're like almost like we're delirious and we're walking to do this open mic at like five o'clock in the afternoon whatever and we see this rat okay that must have eaten like some kind of poison It's like out on the sidewalk like not scared not scurrying It's just like trudging along, you know, just like awful like bloated It has like spots all over so you're like, you know that this thing ate something

Yeah, and it's like life is coming to an end So we literally see this thing and me and Mike are like, what the hell? And so we literally like, I think Mike was actually going to like pull out his phone to like record it. And then out of nowhere, we see a guy. We think he came from the Mexican restaurant that was attached to the creek. Yes. He come like, you know, old school Mexican guy, whatever,

has a butcher knife, takes the butcher knife and fucking pierces this rat right in front of us like a shish kebab. Dude, like a shish, dude, the thing is like this, like a shishkabob takes his dish towel and knocks it off into the public garbage can, wipes the knife down with the dish towel, goes back into the back of the kitchen.

And we were like, oh my God. Fuck, I got quesadillas from there, man. Yeah, dude. And we don't know, like we still to this day are like, did that actually happen? Or are we like hallucinating? We're having a fever dream sure sure sure. But we were like dude that was the craziest thing we've ever seen and that's when I was a physical therapist still and I was doing simultaneously I was doing physical therapy in the morning with the developmentally disabled children. Sure. Dude one day I literally I'm doing a

I'm in there cheating the kids whatever and then I go into the bathroom and we all Have to use like there was no adult bathroom the public school I worked at everything was like the low little urinals down for the little urinal Yeah, so I'm I'm peeing in there did have one stall So I'm like peeing in the stall and then all of a sudden I see a look over the stall and again I this is another time. I think I'm hallucinating. No conditioning in these schools. I look over and I see Stephen Colbert peeing in the little urinal. And I was like, what's his hog look like?

You see that piece? Dude, fucking nice. Yeah, Colbert's packing, dude. 100%, dude. Because the Ukrainian's for sure. So he goes, so I go, I'm literally peeing. Like in the stall looking at him, I go, I was like, are you Stephen Colbert?

Yeah. And he goes, yes, I am. And I go I was like are you Stephen Colbert? And he goes he goes yes I am and I was like what are you doing here? And then he was like oh I'm giving like a talk to the teachers like some like you know New York City funded thing and then I was like oh I just started doing open mic standup comedy with your dick out dude my dick out dude the he zipped up his pants so he's pissedes himself. He's like this conversation is not worth it. I'm gonna piss all over my trousers. He zipped it up like Ben Stiller in Something About Mary like just zipped up. Dude he flew out of that stall and then I realized that was like the first one I was like never ever ever tell like a real comedian. Of course. And I're cause and I couldn't believe it. And so, and so, and it's crazy. So you're also a grown man in a children's bathroom. Yes.

He's got a reason to be there. He just sees some fucking walk with his dick out in a child's bath. Like, yo Colbert, I just started doing fucking comedy. Let me do five on the Colbert report. It's about how my wife's are fucking whore It's kind of a modern take on the dice man, but more racist yeah I changed Mary Miss Muffet to Jackie and Jill And so and so I realized then dude by the way I used to do that all the time like I would I would never kind of say though because one of the routes to start Comedy is like oh open mics or bring your show yeah yeah I Yana showed me I don't you just forget on Facebook in like 2011 yeah when the honest was

like doing like you know sure it was like big was doing Maurice or whatever I messaged him and I was like hey you know I know you don't know me or whatever I was like wow really I was like I was like you don't know me I was like but you know I'd love to come work for you I can carry the speakers in and out of the clubs. Just the way a child thinks comedy works. Just a working class dirt bag. Instead of saying, can I open for you? I was like, I'll carry the equipment and then maybe I can do five minutes.

I am very good with wires, Mr. Pappas. I can plug the wires into the right speakers. Believe me, you will never have a speaker clearer in your life. Yeah. Bang, I get good deals. And then so I was doing physical therapy, burning the candle at both ends. And then I got on GuyCode.

And then I started, which was a big show on MTV at the time. And then what happened, here's the thing though. With GuyCode, it was a lot of younger people watching, like high school, college kids. But the thing is, you always hear about, you always hear about like, you know Cuz the kids I work with mentally physically disabled so it's about the same level of intelligence on guy code The same IQ levels is the producers and writers of guy code as the children You were fucking yeah doing physical therapy for yeah, that's cerebral palsy. Oh if a bitch wears a skirt

Is that mean you can fuck up? guy before. Yeah, the cerebral palsy. Yo, if a bitch wears a skirt, does that mean you can fuck her? Guy code. What's the guy code to hide in your boner? You talking behind that belt loop? She's asking for it if you can see your bra straps. Guy code. So they, but a lot of the kids' parents, because a lot of, because what happens is like you think oh

Children have the disabilities like because older moms which is true, but also younger moms because there'll be 14 They don't have proper prenatal care. They don't even know they're pregnant so they give birth to a child It's got some kind of disability so that kids been weaned on fucking hot takis in Arizona ice tea Yes, no, I It has no nutrition whatsoever. Like a 14 year old eats like honey buns for fucking breakfast. I remember my diet when I was 14, awful. Just fries they would serve in my cafeteria, plus like fucking disgusting.

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Summer is here and we've got some awesome new stuff in the YMH store. Survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection available now at store.yhmhstudios.com. Yeah, and then drinking Malta's when they're two. So it has alcohol in it. So a lot of the moms, the young moms and young dads would come to pick up their kids or like, you know, have to meet like their child's physical therapist. And be like, ain't you that motherfucker from Guy Code?

Yo, I saw you on Guy Code. And so I started to get recognized and the teacher, the principal of the school was like, hey, you can't be doing physical therapy with mentally and physically disabled children and then be moonlighting as a comedian on Guy Code where they're talking about hiding the boner. You know, is it okay to have sex with your girlfriend's sister? Like these are the episodes that she was watching. You're talking about hiding the boner. You know, is it okay to have sex with your girlfriend's sister? Like, these are the episodes that she was watching.

Yeah, you're doing too much riffing about threesomes with John Gabris for our liking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was like, you know, like, what's the guy code to having fun at a funeral? She was like, none of this is okay. So she says to me, she's like, oh, you, I'm gonna give you, like, an ultimatum right now.

Like, you either have to quit comedy or quit or leave as a physical therapist. You want to continue doing comedy, then you have to leave PT. And I was like, what the hell? So like in that moment, I'm an artist, bitch. I'm on guy code. I said, yeah. You know, I said, even though you're giving me, you know, at the time, great money, $60,000. You're giving me full benefits.

I have a doctorate degree that I worked so hard to get, three and a half years postgraduate, four years, so seven and a half years of school. Even though you're giving me all that, I'm telling you right now, I'm quitting and going to the creek in the cave. Yeah, yeah, fuck you. I get paid $20 a slur on GuyCode. Yeah, yeah, I'm not doing that. I literally am going to sign up for an open mic

at the Laugh Lounge right now, bitch. I'm doing a non-union talking head show. Yeah. But I will say, that was huge. I do feel like it launched. Hilarious. Schultz was on that. So many people were.

Charlamagne, Lil Duval, Nicole Byer, Awkwafina, Akash, Dan Soder. Soder, yeah, a lot of talent. Literally, I mean, one of the stupidest shows of all time. Of course. But insane, and don't get me wrong, I'm an open micer in Baltimore being like, how the fuck do I get all guy code? Yeah.

I gotta fucking figure this out, man. Yeah, so it was big, and so I quit I quit physical therapy. But now interesting what happened is is sometimes you know the pandemic take away take it away and the pandemic give us. So what happened with me is I my license fully lapsed. Oh, well, they fully like because I stopped doing comedy. I stopped in physical therapy in 2013. So seven years later, it's 2020. And they go, Andrew Cuomo, the governor at the time, reinstated everyone's health

care license, like when it was a pandemic crisis. So I just got a frickin letter in the mail, like, welcome back, welcome back, even though I haven't done anything in seven years. And I was like, I'll go out there and start killing patients. Damn, dude. So could you give me a real nice massage? 100% That's the thing is I'm doctor massage episode three, I Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, dude, so could you give me a real nice massage? 100%. That's the thing is I'm doctor massages. Episode three, I need a massage.

I'll do it. I was thinking about it. We should do it from a massage table. I'll be laying down, you're massaging me, and that's episode three. You're oiling me up. Dude, spoon. Spoon, if you're listening, you've gotta get us a massage

table. Get us a massage table. Episode three, I'm getting a massage. That would be funny too for me to like, for the first patient I've worked on in like 10 years that also isn't a child, is me just absolute, like you telling me the injuries and me moving your limb the complete wrong way by accident.

Yeah, just shattering my elbow. I do have a fucked up shoulder I could use some, you know, and some back pain. I'd love a massage. The problem I have with the massage is I've never not wanted to get jerked off during it. Even at a physical therapist, I go and get these legitimate sports massages, right?

And we're not in a private room, it's like bright lighting, overhead lighting, and it's just painful. Nothing erotic about it whatsoever. There's no lotions, there's like, you know, just painful. Nothing erotic about it whatsoever. There's no lotions, there's no nothing. And I was like, if this lady started jerking me off, I'd be a little surprised

because the receptionist is right there and there's an elderly woman getting her fucking knee worked on next to, on the table next to us. But like, if she just put a little towel over it and was like, this is part of it. Like I just think, and by the way, I understand why it's a happy ending. It should be the happy beginning.

Cause now I'm not stressed. Now I'm not thinking of the otherwise, I'm thinking about getting jerked off the whole time. Even if I'm getting like cupping and it's painful, I'm like, if there was, if there's a milking table and you just cut a little, that's how they should do it. Yeah. Milking table, you're laying down,

and they just jerk, and it's not sexual, it's purely, I feel like I would be more relaxed. Dude, I'm like envisioning you in like a full neck brace, like, you know, like knee all messed up in the physical therapy clinic, like the back of a New York sports club, you just get assaged by some old lady, rock hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just absolutely. You know I've never got- A strong Hispanic man, and I'm like, I really don't want you to jerk me off. Dude, the best are the Filipinos, like in physical therapy, because they have like, this guy- Little hands. Dude, little hands, he was like, they can get into every nook and cranny. It's true, dude.

The best massages, even in massage, even in physical therapy school, they would teach us massages. It was always like some Filipino, small Filipino instructor that would just get in massage, even in physical therapy school, and they would teach us massages. It was always like some Filipino, small Filipino instructor that would just get in there and like move your organs around. I've never gotten happy ending. Have you ever gotten one? By accident, legitimately, I did one time. I don't want to tell the story,

because it's like doing your own bit on stage. I did by accident get, because I was getting these sports massages, and the tour I was doing two years ago, when I was like, I was truly five, seven, 350 pounds, like I was so fucking fat. What are you now? I'm 285.

Ooh, skinny mini. Yeah, yeah, skinny. Skinny. That is some significant weight loss. It's significant weight loss, but it's like, come on. You know what I mean? When I tell people I people I've lost I guess I haven't done the math But I guess that's 70 pounds people like you squint when you hear that you're yeah, you know you lost 70 Yeah, so there was this plus 70 and it's like it is fucked up

But we're getting there you're getting there the March to 2xl shirts. We're getting there. The March to 2XL shirts. We're getting there. It's amazing, dude. We're getting close. I can put a 2XL on tight. Dude, this looks sick, by the way. Thank you, it is 4XL, but thank you. It does look good though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell them, well, it's an Italian brand, obviously.

It's small cut. Exactly. Yeah, this is a slim cut 4X. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I, so the place I was going had a water main break, and I would get these massages because I was so fucking fat

that just doing stand up, like just doing this, would hurt my body. Basically I was just getting, you're so fucking fat, you're on airplanes. No, even first class, I'm like, first class is not comfortable, and I started getting first class when I couldn't afford yeah, you know to first class is not comfortable And I I started getting for a class where I couldn't afford it because I was too fat for the regular sales You know now we're doing okay. Thank you everybody. Yeah, now it's a fucking luxury

I'm I'm still too fat for the regular seats, by the way. First class is the only place to seat belts buckle, right? Yeah, there's yeah. Anyway, and I I This this really is too bears. I accidentally talked about being on first class. This is the thing. Yeah. I'm embarrassed about it, that's the difference, folks. I'm embarrassed that I'm a class traitor. One day I'll be back, don't worry.

I'm a Greek, I don't know how to handle my money. Right. But I, and so my back hurts so much that I needed, I basically needed a jacked Latino man to put my spine Into order and basically he would like he would basically just move my legs around like I was exercising I was too fat to fucking go on a jog But I could pay a Latino man to fucking move my hips around beat the bicycle for you Yeah, and I would feel okay. I was so fat

I would need to do that every like two weeks and they had a waterman break and so I just found a random massage place and It was a fucking happy ending and it it fucking ruined me because now every legitimate massage I get I'm like Because I went in that thinking it was like all Asian women though. It was yeah I mean it was but I'm not you know, I'm like I'm going in there I'm like, well, don't be fucking xenophobic, don't be racist, these people just want their piece of the American pie, I'm sure they're trained professionals

but it was like, it was fucked up. So they don't even, because I've never even been in the room for it, like they just start doing it. What do you mean you've never been in the room? I'm saying I've never. What are you fucking gonna audit a happy ending? It's like those, where they do surgery in front of like an auditorium where they're like trainee happy ending Give us all watch. Oh, yeah

What do you do they just roll you all over at the end and just start doing it? No, what's there is some hints that this might be like I remember being like, huh? Well, she's getting I've never had a thought. I've never had someone work on my quads and then rub my nuts On the way out There's some hints. I'm like that was odd What's going on here, but truly I was like they just start getting rock right? Yeah, I mean you have to it was fucked It was like it was insane. She relatively decent looking to she was old It was not I didn't I was not that's how good she she wasn't jacking me off

I was actually not hard because it's an old woman and then they start rubbing your nipples And by and again, these are I am NOT a nipples that's not you would look at me you think I'm fat as shit Maybe nipples work for me. No, in fact, that's never been my thing. The only time I've ever touched my nipples, it almost felt like they were making fun of me for being fat. Like their thing was shaming. Like they had a weird-

They're putting ketchup and mustard on them. Yeah. No, it felt like the girl, I've been with girls who legit like fat guys. Like I remember one time I was on tour and a girl was like, and I wasn't doing it, I was, you know, Comptown and it was going on, but I wasn't like doing that well,

but I assumed it's a mentally ill Comptown female listener who just wants to fuck. She came over, dude, she had never heard of Comptown. She just, I was just, cause you know, I would post naked pictures back in the day. She was a hot woman that loved fat guys and she was like rubbing my body in a way that was like arousing. She was rubbing my fat stomach and I was like, whoa, this is kind of sick. Like I felt the way, like the way like a hot woman must feel when a guy's like, holy fuck.

Like when I'm like rubbing tits, I'm like, yeah, I turn into a fucking animal. This woman just was like rubbing my stomach. I was like, I could get used to this. Only woman, the only time that's ever happened in my life. One and done with her? Yeah, one and done. It was very far away. You know, I was on the road. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders shop now at no frails.ca But then So and the only other time a woman has played with my nipples It's been like I've gotten the vibe that she's trying to punch

She's like getting off on shaming me for being fat like it's like you fucking fat Sucking my dick it like pinching my nipples you like that you fat piece of shit. She's showing you like cheeseburgers You like sucking my dick and like pinching my nipples. You like that you fat piece of shit. She's showing you like cheeseburgers and administering pain. She's trying to do a technique. That, like I feel like I have, like I've definitely looked up with women who have like eating disorders

because I've, clearly being this fat is also an eating disorder. It's funny fat people don't think of it that way but I 100% have an eating disorder. Like food matters to me. And I have looked up with a lot of people who have it on the, I feel like I have admiration from women that are like having an india sort in the opposite direction like I wish I could eat as much Or they find it like cool that I don't care how fucking fat I am, which is also kind of right

Disrespectful it's like wow, you're such a fat piece of shit, but you believe in yourself They're attracted to that which yeah, I'll take it gets me head from my girls, I'll take it. But yes, I've never been a nipples guy. This woman just was a fucking... I don't know what they're teaching in those massage schools, but I was truly harder than I've ever... and it's an old woman that I'm not attracted to, just kind of fucking just playing with them just right, just kind of flicking them just right just kind of flicking them just right my dick gets hard as shit and I bust Insanely fast cuz I'm I'm like what I'm disoriented. I'm like

You what I was like what's going on and then do they have the towel ready like you just blow like how does that What happens there? You think they get hit ever? I don't remember. I mean again, I was like, what's going on? And then do they have the towel ready? Like you just blow it. Like, how does that? What happens there? You think they get hit ever? I don't remember. I mean, again, I'm not. I don't remember what the towel was. I don't remember. There's a part of me that wants to try this.

Yeah, well, you're getting married literally in like a month. Yeah, but couldn't there be? You just were talking about how you're finally happy. You're like, you're settled. You've accepted everything in your life, and now you're like, oh, well, I should get drunk. But are there some cultures where they just allow that? I think the salary man culture in Japan is very big,

where I've seen a couple viral TikToks where they'll just man on the street people and be like, is it cheating to fuck a sex worker? And they'll be like, no. That's like, is it cheating to go to the dentist? Like, they look at it that way, you know what I mean? Dentist's in your like, is it cheating to fuck a sex worker? And they'll be like, no. That's like, is it cheating to go to the dentist? Like they look at it that way, you know what I mean? Dentist in your mouth, is that cheating? You know what I mean?

They just look at it as like, that's not funny. You can just fuck whoever you want. As long as you're paying for pussy, it's not cheating, which I love theoretically, but feels a little off. But like, I wish like with marriage as a contract, it's like, if there's incentives, like an NBA player. It's like, you know what, dude, if I can bring more than a certain amount of money to this family, I'll get hand jobs. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Matt, like you win the World Series, like you have set up the family for life. A bonus. Bonus, you can get like a prostitute once a decade. Once a decade seems. That's what I'm saying. I'm not looking to like have, I don't want to have affairs. I'm not looking to do that. Right. Right. Right. Right. I respect the sanctity of it, but it would be nice to have like a loophole where she says hey Or maybe she just dresses up like a masseuse right so on that'd be nice well, I will say the the masseuse like if you want a if you want a An example of what the masseuse look like they looked kind of like when Tom and Burt put the woman filter on them That's the fucking level of attractiveness we're dealing with which by the way I saw this clip and it's hysterical

I mean, you know, let's just play the clip. Here we go. I mean, this is insane, dude. She oh, yeah this is They were being genuine. I know this is fucking crazy. This is I look hot as stop that right now. I mean that's That's insane saying that shit. I'm hot Yeah, I look like such a nice girl Bitch I'll show you how to get a man. That's what it looks like okay. I want you to come in me I mean you let people come this is disgusting

And you're like I want them to like me I just go I want to be I want to be abused bird has never been projected I want to be a bird has never been projected It on oh, yeah, yeah, and you're like Absolutely Tom looks like the one who's like has a romantic relationship with a 12 I mean I will say actually on second look Obviously, they're atrocious and they're like fucking disgusting But Tom is like Tom could maybe if she worked on herself. There is a light in her eyes that I'm like, you know what? On second thought, I think I'd get head from Tom.

But Bert looks horrific. Bert literally looks like, Bert looks like. Oh my God. It looks like Bert too much. Too much. Like it just looks like Bert with mascara on. And with the face, it looks like he almost like had to get like skin reconstruction after a fire. He looks like a burn victim.

He looks like the teacher that comes on too strong to a high schooler. That they're put off by it. You know what I mean? That is total like assistant principal face right there. This is the woman that made me choose between physical therapy and being a physical therapy, a comedian. Yeah, she, Tom, if we go back to Tom a little bit, Tom is definitely a woman who, cause Bert, I'm like, also too, I'm not into like really brunettes like that.

Sure. Even though my wife is Puerto Rican and brunette. Let me stop you right there. You can't, hair color is not even top 40 problems with this picture right now. Well, what it is with women is like you want what you don't have. So like my wife's Latino, warm-blooded, hot, right? Where if you go back to Tom, Tom's more cold-blooded, looks just like a cold-hearted bitch. Tom or Burt?

Tom. This is Burt, right? This is Burt, yep. Tom right here looks, her energy is more cold. She just looks like a- Hey. Yeah. No, I don't know, there's something inviting about it. You know, I started this thing,

I would trash both of them. I'm getting, if Tom was the one who gave me a happy ending, that wouldn't be so bad. Right. I think, you know, now I'm not taking these women out. Right. And I will think, fact that Bert said, this is a Rorschach test for being a narcissist.

Because Bert looking at that picture and being like, ooh, baby, that's a hot woman. Man has never wanted to fuck himself more. That is just clearly, Bert loves himself so much that applying, maybe this is maybe the worst woman filter I've ever seen in my life. This is barely a filter. This is Burt. You just put lipstick on Burt. They didn't soften his feet. Like if I was, for example, if I was trans and I went and got facial feminization surgery and I ended up looking like that, I would sue my doctor for malpractice. I would want a

fucking refund on the estrogen. I would sue my doctor for malpractice. I would want a fucking refund on the estrogen. I would sue my doctor from malpractice. But this person does look like a woman who lives on the outskirts of Tampa. So maybe it's like something that Bert's seeing like familiar at home and they do kind of look like the version of themselves. Like Tom's picture looks like a woman who like in her spare time likes to watch videos of men shitting on other men's chests. Right? I don't know. I'm weirdly into Tom now. The more I let it... The more I'm like, you know what?

I can go to a farmer's market with Tom. And now I'm mad that they've said these disgusting things about beautiful Tom, about him getting cum... Like, the fact that Bert went into how they're getting nutted inside. Do you think there is, like... I've never... Because Tom, I mean, Bert legitimately like it is beautiful how much he loves his family. Like he'll literally like cry. He'll

take pictures of himself crying about how much I've cried with him on a podcast, Bert and I about our families. You guys are so fucking gay. I know. I love how episode one I said I wasn't gay and then I said I sit around crying with men on camera because you thought it would make good content. That's the gayest part of it all. You have a tear stick, you're like, this is going to go viral. This is going to sell some tickets. I'm like, hey, put HelloFresh underneath. Use the promo code.

But yeah, I guess now I'm thinking, I guess also it feels like Tom posed to look like a sexy woman. Yes. It's like he just looks like a kind, inviting woman. He does. Tom looks like a woman who, like, wants to kind of just kiss you softly on the lips. Where Bert kind of, like, it's a little too rough. You know, like Bert's woman.

Right, biting you on the lip in a performative way. Yeah, it's like, lady, come on. I don't need this. Come on, lady. We both know this is my life's going bad Yeah fucking you Tom also looks like a woman that'll keep her mouth shut You can have an affair with Tom. Yeah, you can't have an affair with Bert cuz you don't want to get crazy Yeah about it. She's gonna give you hickeys I will get a message your wife Bert does look like a woman who thinks she's hotter than she is Yes, so that that does check out. Yes

Okay, I just wanted I just wanted to fucking weigh in there because I saw the clip of them saying they're hot and it infuriated me. First of all I just look Filipino. That doesn't even look like a woman that looks like Spider-Man's sidekick from the new fucking movies. Pull up that kid, pull up that fucking Spider-Man's friend from no way home. This is AI though, right? How did you do this so quick? This has to be, yeah. Oh, this is Chad GBT of what's obvious look like as a woman? That is hilarious.

And that, you know what? That is way more accurate than whatever fuckable lip fill. They gave Burt fucking mascara and red lipstick. They gave me less makeup somehow Yeah, that's a woman who I could confidently say did not vote for Donald Trump. Yeah. Look. Oh, yeah But that's literally just what I look like I mean you but I kind of like that cleavage a little bit. Yeah. Yeah little something about it No, you know, I like this girl. I would be friends with that. First of all, this girl's this is the kind of girl

I'm competing with bisexual women for by the way. Yes, like that's the thing That's why a lot of my exes and like girls I've dated are bi because I feel like they're just into this type of butch body Type for like that that woman who was like into fat guys and like wanted you for that She also wants to go on a date with her hundred percent. That's it. And I like her I would be friends with her You know, yeah, I like her too. I feel like she probably lives in Historia. She's probably figuring it out. Maybe she's not a lesbian.

Maybe she's just a woman who... And this shows you how bad society is, how much better my life is than this theoretical woman. You can't be that fucking... Like, people treat a fat man with respect and they treat fat men with scorn. And we're against that here on two bears Yeah, maybe regular two bears. They're fat phobic. Not us. Not us We love the plus-size gals and we hope this lady gets some dick. Yeah, she gets some dick just by being a good hang

Yeah, get down enough Irish car bombs. I'm sure you've actually I think you could be convinced to fuck this woman I was gonna say I've had sex with a woman who looks like this in the back of O'Neill's and mass between Are you kidding me when I'm 22 years old? I've done a blowjob from a woman that looks like this on Grand Avenue in the bowels of Queens. I like her. She has a kind look in her eyes. Yeah, she does. And she kind of looks like, you know, the thing is with someone like her is like roller derby captain. Yeah. Like, and I feel like some of our beautiful like fat, like overweight people like... Roller derby captain. Yeah, like, and I feel like some of our beautiful, like, fat, like, overweight people like this are gonna get ruined by Ozempic.

Like, somebody like her would take Ozempic, and it's like, no, I kinda like, I want this one. You have a beautiful, youthful glow. Yeah. I'd love a zoom out, because she could have incredibly fat tits. Oh, which she could have maybe fucking triple Js.

Oh, love it. And that would talk, because then you give a lady like this Those kinds of cannons doing now. She's working in finish pornography big boobs and a fat ass and a tattoo of rosary beads We need to zoom out, you know, maybe maybe she could use a little light bow around here But okay, you know But even just work You know a little light a couple if she hits the steps a little bit and she gets big fake tits.

But I'm into a woman now, I was, I guess when I was younger, and I think society is seeing this, like used to be like big boobs, big ass, big fake lips. Obviously that's going out of style now. I want an imperfect woman. Like I like a girl with a chip tooth, a scar, a little imbalances, you know? I like that a lot.

I wanna see her imperfections. Where I used to be like, oh, I want a girl who looks, I would be into the fake boobs, fake lips, because like, oh, it's making them look like ideally perfect. But now that's, I would run away from that now. I would go out, like as a matter of fact, me and my fiance, we got even like our relationship

like got 10 times better when she, one of the things that happened is she took out her fake boobs. She's like you know we have daughters I don't want them to think like they need to change their bodies and then she told me like as time went on not only like did she feel better about like not having and she's like my body was literally for 10 years just fighting a foreign object. That you know inside its body inside her own body,

and, like, I just started to get, like, more, feel more like me, you know? Wow, interesting. Yeah, that was a big moment, and then also me stop not DMing porn stars. Yeah! Was also helpful. Well, then, stop, when they stop DMing you back.

Yes. When you, when they're like, ah, this is enough, and you're like, yeah, I mean, I philosophically think your fiance should be jailed for doing that. I think it's a, you know. She's already talking about getting them back. I think fake tits are a lot less.

I'm a man of science. Yes. And I think, you know, the way we're enjoying air conditioning in the summer, you know, the way we have, you know, we have enough food to feed everybody, you know what I mean? Like, I think big fake tits are. But look, obviously, you want to take them out. You know what I mean? I think big fake titties, but look,

obviously you wanna take them out, you should take them out, obviously, but I do like, I am partial to fake titties because it feels like, this is a little, it feels like once they were affordable for even like, once like middle class, working class people realized you could go to fucking Columbia, you could go to fucking Turkey, You could figure out ways to do it

Yeah, once it became affordable to have big fake tits and a nice fat BBL now Every rich person is gone away from that and they're getting skinny and I from a class perspective I think big fake tits once they let the masses have them They said these aren't good anymore, right and I say keep your big fake teeth My that's a fight against you know Okay, I love you know what still a great gal like I said She yes, the cankles are a little tough. I do you know that those are nurse lunch that is a lunch lady. Yeah. A build but nothing wrong with that. You know not what I was you know not what I

was thinking I you know with the huge tits possibly but still a gal I could you know I think like you said you're still getting head and mass bath from this lady. Oh yeah. There's nothing wrong with her. I would dress her a little bit. I don't know why they had to give her a fucking mu moo well they gave her your shirt yeah they gave her my shirt as a whole dress yeah yeah but you know we could maybe work with a nice chunky belt yeah give her a bit of a waistline you know something nice for her I feel like she looks fun she looks she's got a real I do I see the beginnings of lunch lady arms which I don't like yeah that I take pride in having being fat as shit

but there's no hang down on my no no you know I don't got those I what do you think her name would be I mean easy like stop ruler is a Greek name real yeah yeah yeah yeah so Vula Vula Vula is like yeah shortening stuff ruler or ruler ruler yeah I do know girls like this named like, you know, Chrissy. Literally I knew a couple of fat Greek girls named Chrissy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nina. Or hot Greek girls would be named Nina.

Either ones. Yeah. That's the thing, like, Greek, there's like, in every community there's like five Greek names because every, my big fat Greek wedding is true. Like I grew up with, I had a friend group and there was like seven bills in it because they were all cousins. They're all named after one grandfather Vasili. So it's like you know,

Fat Bill, Little Bill, Bill. Oh, Vasili translates into Bill. Vasili is Bill. Yeah. It's amazing. Not William, just Bill. Yeah, Bill. Yeah, I love it. Not William. No, they were all Bill. There was no Wills. No.

Vasili is Bill. Bill. Dimitri is Jimmy. Oh, Dimitri. Yeah. Dimitri Jimmy. What is Yannis? John. Oh, man. Wills no Vasili is Bill Bill the meat is Jimmy Yeah, Jimmy what is young us John? Wow, dude, I look like Michael Jackson You know you look like the fucking the non-binary character in the Sex and the City reboot like fucking che Diaz You look like you're eating Miranda's pussy right now. You know what I kind of like to? You know what I kind of like to? Even though like honestly I'm into this.

By the way, Chad GBT, using Chad GBT instead of whatever, they used a way more fuckable filter than we do. All right, I'm calling, this is the first time I felt like a guest host. We're getting, you know what I mean? They're getting the fucking, the home whistle. Benson Spoon is fucking, is cooking the books for Tom and Bert.

Because we didn't get any fucking lipstick. Bert gets fucking mascara. I get fucking, you know, it's like, make Star Wars Haukis a lunch lady. That's why you're fucking piped in. They get liquid death. I got sink water in a cup. But this is interesting because I'm German and Italian, but yet the chat GPT still made me look like a Puerto Rican girl. That is true. I do just look like a girl from Sunset Park.

But can I say I am actually, the older I get, the more I'm attracted to sort of like a, I guess some might call it a traditional lesbian, but like a more butch woman, like a hot butch, but you can see like they have tits. You know what what I mean like I don't mind this haircut and this vibe you know what I mean I like you like you like you're into more like a Janine Garofalo look type thing like a little thicker maybe I guess what it comes down to is I think I would just fuck pretty much every woman and so yeah so when you see I mean never mind did you ask to give me lunch lady lips, but literally those are just your hips by that's stand up You know just that's just what you're wearing right now

Honestly, yeah you do that's a more fuckable backside than this lady That's tough. This is my court outfit. Yeah, yeah. This is, I literally had a lesbian manager at Sherwin Williams that looked exactly like this. Shout out to my girl Jess. What did you do at Sherwin Williams? I was a paint, I would fucking deliver paint. I would mix up paint. I worked at a paint store for a year

before I moved to New York. That was my last. Are you handy? Do you know how to like build stuff? No, not at all. My dad's a carpenter and he's incredibly handy and I would just go, I would work at his, my summer job as a kid,

would I be like, I would help my dad out. And basically when he was installing cabinets and shit, I would help carry shit. But dude, I would basically, what I spent the time doing is he had a little TV. Remember the TVs you would fucking, he had a TV from the 60s and the 90s. Dial.

Dial, literally dial. The Zenith. It was a Zenith for real. And you had to put like aluminum foil on the fucking antenna. Yeah. I mean, you know, Gen Z, I mean, first of all, there's no young people that listen to this podcast, so nevermind.

Seriously. Everyone who listens to this understands what we're talking about. But if any, if anybody's dad passed out drinking porousos and their child is watching this right now They're like first of all take me to school dad and second of all and second of all they're like We sound so fucking old talking about dial TVs. Yeah fucking aluminum foil antenna But I would watch Martin on that TV And then when my dad would go to lunch to pick stuff up, because you know, every like blue collar,

every blue collar, like whether it was a workshop, a mechanic, whatever, they would have pornography somewhere. They would have like calendars. And there was like, my dad had like one picture of like this Tahitian woman. It was like some kind of like Islander vibe. And it would be like, they would, it was her with her tits out.

I would plant, while my dad went to go pick up our lunch order or something, I would plant the Tahitian titty picture in the bathroom, and then I'd be like, gotta go take a shit, dad, and I would just jack off to that. I would beat off for like 18, I would milk it, I had this before phones, and I would just jack off in that bathroom for like,

truly, I'd do it twice and I would just jack off in that bathroom for like, truly, I'd do it twice, I would beat off twice the same picture of one like islander woman's tits, and then at the end of the day I would put it back where it was, it was the perfect crime. I love if like you ever went missing, like I would know that you're jerking off on a beach in Tahiti.

That's where the FBI would need to look for you. But yeah, that was, but yeah, I was so bad at, I ruined like a saw, because I was trying to make a gun out of wood. And I was just doing it the wrong way. Do you ever feel emasculated that you're not handy? Like as a man, do you feel like it's something we need to know how to do?

I think, you know, yeah, I mean, I'd like to learn a little more of, you know, like I could do very basic shit. You know, like I, you know, I would never like, you know, as long as I could like hammer some shit, I could fucking, I could do the most basic change of guards, nail, yeah, do a fucking, you know, put together some shit.

But yeah, I'd like to be handier, but I also think like, I don't know, I don't think that necessarily is a male thing. Like I have, one of my old roommate, my friend Christina, she was the handiest person I've ever met, and she's just like a nice girl who was like an executive assistant. Like her job was like, she would be like some fashion lady VP, she would be her executive assistant.

I was like, in a different world, if she's not in the gender binary, she would probably be doing some handy shit. Where I just feel like, I don't give a fuck. You don't care. Yeah, because in my... I'm masculine in other ways. I'm going to die at 58. That's it. I'm never hard at that fuck. You don't care. Yeah, because in my... I'm masculine in other ways. I'm going to die at 58. That's it.

I'm going to have a heart attack. I'm a real man. Yeah, yeah. I'm wearing a 4XL tracksuit. Yeah, I feel enough of a man like this. Yeah, yeah. I eat prosciutto like as a... I literally have started having just pure prosciutto as dinner.

I have prosciutto and yogurt and I'll be like, protein. Protein, yogurt. Well, dude, it's crazy because last summer when me and Jasmine went to your house, you were cooking cedar plank salmon on your grill. What happened? Yeah, yeah. Well, see, here's the thing.

The prosciutto, the macros aren't so bad. Well, you didn't actually know. You're still doing it because you lost 70 pounds. 70 pounds. I've probably lost like 20 pounds since she came. But yeah, I cook a lot, right, which is like- The salmon look dope. Yeah, I love salmon.

I have some salmon in the fridge right now Salmon's a go-to for love salmon. They swim backwards. Oh, that's why they're so fatty That's what the omega 3 because they're swimming against the current. Oh, it's what it is, baby. That's why I walk backwards on the treadmill Get those lesbian hips. Yeah Yeah, I love you know, I love to cook and what I think anything can be Masculine or feminine depending on how I because in my relationship she my girl is the one who can build and do everything and I said you know we're moving to new house I was like you know what I'm gonna look I'm gonna educate myself on YouTube because everything's on YouTube I'm gonna learn I'm said I'm gonna learn how to at least I don't have

to like paint take down wallpaper and like make like a little doorframe that we need to make like a little door into like a little opening in the house I was like I'm gonna do all that and then I literally was on YouTube for about 10 minutes watching this handyman tell me how to do it step by step and then within 10 minutes I was on chat GPT asking what a good number for a contractor what what what is the number that I know I'm not getting hosed? Contractor won't fuck my wife while I'm away. Contractor won't, my wife won't fall in love with what I'm doing off the hook comedy club. Dude, this stuff is so freaking expensive.

I said all I wanted was a door, like to another room, simple, some paint. And I wanted them to cover some like to another room, simple, some paint, and I wanted him to cover some pipes. And the guy was like, I was like, I'm not looking at the bank. I was like, I also want to do more jobs with you. Like we've just moved into this home. I was like, please give me a fair price. He was like, 50 grand.

And I was like, what? And he was like, 50 grand. He goes, 45 if it's cash. I was like, what? He was like 50 grand, he goes, 45 if it's cash. I was like, dude, come on. But then it's crazy, because then my wife gets on the phone, and she was like, he was Spanish, she just started talking to him in Spanish,

and that number came down like 30%. And next thing you know, she was like getting angry. And then I was like, what did you say? And she was like, I was just telling him that I know he's being a scumbag, I know what you're doing, it's disrespectful. And she was like, I was just telling him that I know he's being a scumbag. Yeah, I know what you're doing It's disrespectful and she was like, you know, he's Puerto Rican too. So I don't make us look like that You're being a piece of shit. Don't try to hose him cuz he's white. Don't disrespect me in front of my white husband Yeah, exactly. He's finally marrying me after ten years. So he does have some Puerto Rican tendencies

Yeah, even though he can't build a fucking, he can't build a door frame. He can be noncommittal even though we have three children. Yeah, exactly. And now we're gonna get this done. But yeah, I was always interested. I think it's nice if you're, like I think that's cool that she just does shit, you know what I mean? Like, I like that.

Yeah, my kids, it's interesting because my children like don't, like when somebody comes to the house like a con-ed guy or whatever They they always yell for mom and I'll just be sitting on the couch like with a baby Yeah, and I always feel like one of these workers just kind of looks at me as like and then sometimes they recognize me, too They're like what that right? Right? I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. You're like the fuck. Yeah. Yeah now fuck them, dude Yeah, you got a nice thing. You got a good you got a good way to look at life, because I'm a little bit more old, so I guess I'm like, I'm such a loser. I suck cum because I freaking don't know how to use a hammer.

I don't use a table saw. That means I must take it in the ass. You're just like, dude, some people do guy things. Some people do girl things. Yeah, you could do a guy. Yeah. I respect that. Yeah, I mean, you're cheating on your wife.

Not anymore. Yeah. No. That's masculine man. Look at the bright side. You're going to die in a heart attack and you haven't, yeah, you haven't cheated you know, you were cheating for a decade. Well I like that even though I'm not being

the typical man at all I don't want to build anything, I'm not eating the freaking steak and drinking the beers and smoking the scars every day, but yet my my head and look is so much of that man that my body won't believe it and my body's still like, yeah, but raises blood pressure, raises cholesterol, messes liver up. Totally, totally. Come on.

Of course. But even though I'm not doing any, I mean, I will say too, like there's a lot of times, like when I'm eating Greek food, I'm always like, oh, maybe I should get like the extra hummus, the chickpeas, whatever. And then really it's Jasmine who like should be wanting me to be healthy, which she is, but she's like, I'll be eating like, you know, just a Greek salad and some falafel. And she's like, can you please just like eat a lamb like, she's like, it's almost like she's like, I'm not turned on, even though like you're healthier.

Like this doesn't make me feel like I want to fuck you at all. If you're eating healthy, because she doesn't respect me feel like I want to fuck you at all. Interesting. If you're eating healthy. Because she doesn't respect you for not being handy? I think that in the beginning of our relationship, she, again, being an old school Puerto Rican girl, very handy father, came from like Sunset Park, I think she was a little confused as to be like, OK, he does comedy like art

and he's doing okay, we have money, which is not, we have enough to survive and everything that sounds good. But then he like, he doesn't know how to build anything. He like only wants to have sex like once or twice a week at most. He doesn't really know what he's doing. He's like not speaking to me in Latin.

And so I think there was a lot of confusion the first couple years She's like, you know, I watch his comedy. Yeah once or twice I can't you know what dude as you get older too now it's to the point cuz I'm older 40 got the kids I'm like if I'm exhausted like after a long day Sometimes I'll go up into the room be like, I hope she doesn't want to have sex I don't want to do this man. I mean I do want to do it But you're like dude, I literally just want to I'm watching this Benjamin Franklin documentary. I just want to watch that dude That's the guy that you see that that guy was getting pussy till the end number one

I love that about Ben Franklin is that he we sent him over there Yeah, and he's doing the most high stakes negotiations you can think of yeah Like if he can't get France on board England probably wins and they probably execute everyone that did the- 100%. That did the- Revolution. That did the independence, right? And he's so focused, you know, he's focused whatever,

and every night he's out banging whores. Hunt, yeah. He's burning, like that's insane. And by the way, how is he getting hard? Yeah. Like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you're fat old. Yeah.

And he's eating, he's drinking like beer, he's eating like beer milk smoothies, and he's eating mutton and shit like that. He's gotta have diarrhea. How is his dick staying hard through all that like anxiety and his diet? That's a true American here. That's my favorite sound.

I love that he just has like electricity through a kite on his balls. Just his lawn. He's got a cock ring. He's got a cock ring and a kite out the window and it's zapping his dick and getting hard. He's waiting till lightning storm to go fuck. Okay.

But he, you know what's crazy about him is he got, he was like, he's like a legitimate celebrity. Like he was like the old, like a lot of these people that are celebrities now that are famous founding fathers, they weren't famous back then. He was famous in his life. He was like Mr. right right he was famous in his life he was like mr beast yeah he was he was famous and so and so but he got they threw him out of england so they threw him out of england because they just got annoyed with him because he was like

having sex with like every freaking general's wife they're like get him out here i love then he came back to america that's my goal by the way i want to play benjamin franklin dude you could i'm i'm i got the hair for it Yeah, give me little round glasses. Yeah fucking Photoshop some round glasses on me right now, dude I actually I did it in I have a I have a I'll send you the picture bee spoon I Did I would I did dress up as Benjamin Franklin one year? But yeah, that's my that's my that's my fucking that's my goal

My life's goal as an actor will be to portray Benjamin Franklin. Yeah, that's my that's my that's my fucking that's my goal. My life's goal is an actor will be to portray Benjamin Franklin Yeah, dude. I mean you could do it. You got the look and he and Ben was Benny Frank he When he got back to America Nobody trusted him because they were like dude you've been in England for 10 years now are war at them Like are you a real patriot? Yeah, and he just had to prove it and then they because they knew that he was like just literally what obviously was very smart and all That but he literally was just like dude. I fuck all day

Yeah, so they sent him he went to France to convince France to join the revolution But the way that he did is because he was literally having sex with King Louis like Concubine he was having sex with the women in his harem and he moved up. It only took him like three months. He like moved up girl by girl. Then he got to like Louis' favorite mistress and he was banging her and he was like, can you tell Louis?

And Louis was chill with this. Yeah, but it was like kind of like just a thing in France. Like you could just bang everything where Louis, cause Louis was like, I'm not sending France. So Eskimo Bros was like an honored position in France. 100%. The closer you got, the more more you fucked my favorite bitch, man You're good. Yeah, we're connecting and then and then the only way cuz Louie King Louie would not grant him like an appointment

He just wouldn't talk to Ben Franklin at all So he just the mistress who like that he Louie would fuck every night was he got Benjamin Franklin got the message through the mistress Into the King Louie's ear and he was like I'll do it give him the truth is that real that's real dude and then kept Ben Franklin when he was fucking because the turning point of the Revolutionary Wars the Battle of Saratoga where like we technically the US like beat the British and all that stuff is true but Benjamin Franklin was good at like spinning stuff so he was like he was like he based it like yes we won but he was like, he was like, he based it like, yes, we won. But he's like, dude, we crushed them.

What is like you barely barely barely won half of the British army like wasn't even at the battle. The way you brag about fucking girl and you weren't even hard. Yeah, you just got, you just jacked off while she sucked on your nipples. You grabbed the dick, you're like, oh dude, I fucked her. I fucked the shit out of her.

Yeah, and so, so he just lied. And then he got Kingie to send all the troops But it was literally because Ben Franklin was just an absolute pussy assassin expect and again older guys Banging like young like younger chicks always and that's before dick pills. I mean, that's why he's a hero, dude Yeah, I respect that so much. I can't believe he was fat Unhealthy stressed out still got his dick hard. Yeah, incredible cuz he was fucking, unhealthy, stressed out, still got his dick hard. Yeah. Because he was fucking for the nation, dude. Dude, he was lit.

I think I would fold, I think I would eat pussy for the nation. Right. In my dick, I would be too nervous. Yeah, dude. You know? I would essentially have to fuck like a, you know, like our pictures.

Yeah. I would have to fuck like a lesbian. Dude. No dick, no dick involved. And I repeated a direct quote that he said to some one of his like, mistresses, who like didn't want to leave. He didn't, I repeated a direct quote that he said to some one of his like mistresses who like didn't want to leave. I repeated it to Jasmine.

He was going back to America and she didn't want him to leave or whatever. And he goes to her, he was like, my love for you stays here but my heart belongs in America. And I just said that to Jazz. I was like, my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America Well, I just said that to jazz well, I was like my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America She's like what? You better sell enough you better sell merch this weekend you better be adding back the lyric She's just handing you flyers so you can be your own street team.

Yeah. I'll do a paper. I got a fucking funny tour. I'm like in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in Oklahoma City in the middle of August. Love that, man. Just like hot. The big fucking markets. Oh yeah.

Oklahoma City in August, Tulsa, then it's like, you know, Toronto. Yeah you're doing, I love Detroit. Detroit, Oklahoma. You're in Oklahoma back to back. Yeah, my agent's like, we're gonna send you to Tulsa, Oklahoma. And then we're gonna send you to Saudi Arabia on 911. Is that good? Remember, you thought you were doing MSG on 911? Now you have to go to the guys who caused it. Yeah. I mean, you could not have pulled more of a fucking about face.

How about this, have you ever heard of a guy, I had to move my show at the arena at MSG down to the theater at MSG, just a real shithead. People are like I can't wait to see you in the big room. I'm like well, what you're going to do is make believe you're going to the big room and then just take the elevator down to the theater. Yeah, they've done some renovations, don't look into it too much. Yeah. But that's it, man. We talked about it on the last episode, but it's like, that is the best summation of like, the theater is incredible. Yeah, dude. The theater is fucking insane. You know how many people got to do the theater? And

you make more money. Yeah, I know. But it was, it's more that like, you got to cure yourself of wanting more, dude. Well, I'm cured. Honestly, dude, the market is cured. Having to move from the arena down to the theater and then try to explore. What's funny about moving from MSG Arena down to the theater is obviously like it was wildly embarrassing. Of course. For me, I kind of regretted every decision I've ever made.

You kind of figured the only way, you found the only way to make that a loss. Yes. Selling out the theater at MSG. You literally found the only context where that's embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, and I'm doing it on 9-11, which is just pissing off my fans. So I said, how many ways can I just make this actually one of the worst nights of my life? Yeah, yeah.

And so I figured that out. But what's funny is to me and my peers or whatever, first of all, nobody cares. And then I've even gotten over it. I'm like, whatever. But the fans were coming, even my family. I was like, oh, I have to move it. Now it's going to be at the theater at MSG. And even though I made all these promos about whatever to the people, they're like, oh, I have to move it. Now it's going to be at the theater at MSG. And even though I made all these promos about whatever,

like to the people, they're like, oh, I thought that's where it always was. I thought only the Knicks play in the arena. Who would do comedy? They're like, yeah, because especially the older crowd, one of my dad's friends, he went and saw Eddie Murphy at the theater at MSG when they used to call it something pavilion. Oh, I don't remember.

I forgot what they used to call it. I think he filmed this, Delirious there, or Raw. Oh, really? He filmed it there, and he's like, oh, that's where we used to go see big shows. Nobody was doing the arena. They were doing that theater. So this whole idea of arena acts as comedians

is like a new thing. Yeah, yeah. But I absolutely, 100% was in a place. Last year, the Felt Forum, that's what it used to be called, I was in a place when I put this on sale last year where I was like, you know, more, more, more. And now it feels so good to be like, I'm like so happy to like be in places where it's like,

you do a comedy club, it sells 80% God willing 90% some sell out and you feel so good. We're like there was a moment in my life where I don't know what happened to me where I just thought like even selling out a comedy club wasn't good enough and my life was like completely out of control. I had like a life like I was like an addict without ever doing a drug. And then it's just kind of like I think you get a little tired of it, and then life humbles you and wakes you up, and you're like, no, no, no, dude,

don't get back on the path. Yeah, dude, just have a good-ass time. The point of life is to have... The point of accidentally making it is like... Yeah, because that is true, man. ...just having fun. Yeah, just... You almost like...

It's like, I would feel bad. Like, the way I look at it is like, I'm a fat idiot that gets to have the best life ever. You almost like, it's like I would feel bad. Like the way I look at it is like, I'm a fat idiot that gets to have the best life ever. And I owe it to the other fat idiots that are sort of, because everyone listening is a variant. It's like, you know how everything is like multi-verses? I feel like a lot of comedy fans and like a lot of like,

you know, even like comedians coming up, it's like, bro, I so easily could have been back in Baltimore working at fucking Sherwin Williams and doing like opening at Mugubis right now and I honestly would have been happy with that and now I owe it to fat morons who you know struggled in life if I'm not having a good time what's even the point I'm the one of us that got to make it yeah so I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna I'm gonna try and live. That's you know I'm gonna make some salmon, right?

But I'm also just gonna have a good ass time and by the way clubs are more fun Dude, you're actually talking to people you're actually like right there You feel more like a comic like two weeks ago or three weeks ago I did Atlantic City Comedy Club, which is in like the bowels of the Tropicana Yeah, it was the most I felt like a comic and the most fun I've had with an audience in like a year because for a year I've just been doing the theaters and they're great. I like them for certain reasons, but dude you feel so disconnected where now It's just like dude the club like I just Sometimes too. I think what happens with podcasting and the business of this like you forget like why you started

It's like dude. I've only ever just wanted to do stand-up When I started doing stand-up, this wasn't even a thing that I was considering total I was like no, I just want to make jokes about my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm doing and get a sitcom. Those are the goals. Of course. And so, so yeah.

And now here we are somehow not only doing our own podcast, but somehow doing other guys' podcast? This doesn't make any fucking sense. Dude. This doesn't make any fucking sense at all. I mean, this is, I would, I, I, listen, this is our second episode. We'll see if they give us a thing They might be pulling the plug on the entire YMH might. Yeah, only out of business

After yeah, we try we fucking we try and open the door as Sam Rill and Tim Dillon are sitting in here Oh, yeah, sorry guys next on a different direction. Yeah, they just brought in bad friends. They're like, just just bring them in, please. We'll give bad friends the entire revenue. All right. Well, that was good, Matt. Actually, we'll be here. We think we'll be here next week. That's what we've been told right now. We do have Tom Segura himself is waiting in the wing.

Yeah. Yeah, he's waiting. Yeah, we're he's where he's going to take a break from filming season two of Bad Thoughts to come in here and fire us personally. Which, by the way, what do you think season... I was thinking how funny it would be if Bad Thoughts season two was just Tom in just a nice gay relationship. Like every episode is like a prestige drama of just Tom with a man. And it's like that's as bad thought as just having a being married to a man and being in love yeah like you know he's fat again he's like what if I could actually live the way I wanted yeah yeah fat and gay yeah I could stop all this exercise bullshit

yeah I could stop working so much I could just be Burt yeah so yeah look for Bert? Yeah. Look for us there. Chris will be playing his husband in Bad Thoughts Season 2. That's it. But we'll see you in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave.