2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Tom and Bert's Favorite OF Submissions | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

Attention Hanover, MD! Tommy Buns is coming to The Hall At Live! Casino, Sunday, October 19. Get tickets now at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: - As always, get your first month of BlueChew FREE Just use promo code BEARS at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. https://bluechew.com -Sponsored by BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears - Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning for FREE at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS. This week, Bert and Tom dive headfirst into the weirdest brain rot rabbit holes yet — from testing out VR porn ("you can see her fillings!") to auditioning more OnlyFans submissions, one of which that includes… a unique Por Osos bottle cameo. The Bears also pitch a business idea for a grown-man “locker room,” debate how Bert's woke daughters compare to Tom's redneck sons, and discover the world’s wildest dogs and cats. Plus: Jelly Roll’s 5K transformation, Savannah cats that look like mini-lions, and Bert’s desperate plan to sneak another puppy past Leanne. It’s sex robots, freeze porn, fat-to-fit inspiration, and pet chaos all rolled into one classic 2 Bears, 1 Cave mess. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 309 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:22 - Jimmy Kimmel and Tylenol 00:08:17 - New Interest 00:15:54 - What The Kids Are Into 00:27:48 - The Bears Draft A Prospect 00:38:32 - The Locker Room Experience 00:46:18 - Jelly Roll 00:52:10 - Cane Corso vs. Dogo Argentino vs. Savannah Cat 01:01:14 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take a close. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Okay. Tom, this is incredible. 100%. Yep. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Caves. Oh, shit. I hit pause. Fuck.

God, Tom. This is insane. This is the greatest thing I've ever. watching adult footage in virtual reality so what's going on what are you seeing okay there is a Russian chick and a red dress

okay and she's sucking my dick and Tom I have abs I have limited pubs I have skinny legs my jeans are to the left I'm in a nice bespokeed kitchen I got a oh oh now I'm fucking her no I'm fucking her oh hold on

you don't have to thrust you can just watch it's kind of cool I'm on the same timing he is. I wish you could touch her. You could try. Nope. I'm going right through her face. Okay.

Holy shit, Tom, this is next level. Pretty cool stuff. You should bring this to Riyadh with you. Something tells me that might not go well. You don't think so? I don't think so. This is insane. This is the future.

Why would you ever date a chick? Why would you ever go out to a bar? Why would you ever do anything? When you can just bang tens for real. I got to try jerking off with it. Well, not for real. It's virtual. It feels real.

It feels real. That's why you probably get moved into it. Let me shut her up. She's still talking. Yeah. Let me see. Let me see what she's doing now. Hang on.

I'm going to have her doggy style. Okay. Hey, just shut up, woman. I just heard something. Yeah. All right. I'm going to put her to sleep. okay

dude I'm ready for a fucking robot chick yeah they're available man you can afford it you should do it dude you can you can design them they're $3,000 should we make one should we make one and fucking bring it let's make two

like okay would it be creepy if we made them and we made them look like people we know yeah that'd be super creepy and you're like Sarah Deanna come over to my house I want you to meet my robot chick and she's like wow

and go look it's got a southern accent and everything she's like that's really cool That's really cool. But wait, why is she pregnant? I was like, I don't know. I liked her better when she was pregnant. This is a really good idea for you.

Yeah. Yeah. That is... Shout out to Sarah T. That is the coolest thing I've ever seen. She's thrilled. Check out Sarah T on this new special. Yeah, there you go.

There's a good way to spin it. So is that... Was that your first time watching? That's my first time. I've held off all week. I've seen porn. Just for this moment. I've seen porn in it, but it's just like you're watching a porn.

That interactive one is crazy. That's pretty crazy. I would like that for, I've always said this for a long time, but I'd like that for a podcast where you could put on the VR goggles and sit here and you feel like you're just sitting with us talking to us. That'd be fun. That would be really fun. That'd be very cool.

Yeah. That'd be good, man. How are you feeling? I feel great. What did you think about Jimmy Kimmel's monologue when he came back? I've been talking to you since. Yeah, I mean, I think he's. he he did exactly what he set out to do um you know he addressed things he was emotional and he

was it was there was jokes and there was points made i mean i think like monologue wise it was probably a 10 out of 10 for what he was aiming to do for sure yeah yeah yeah i mean i don't know you know what there's other ways you could have done it but i think he did everything that he wanted to do he addressed the the obvious like i said there was like some heartfelt stuff in it there was jokes in it it was kind of exactly what what you were looking for yeah yeah it did massive massive numbers that that episode i kind of think maybe don't trump had money invested in a bc he's a smart guy what if he was like yo move my money over to disney i'm gonna light up their fucking numbers no i don't think so i mean could you do that though is that manipulating the market

well there's a lot of things that can manipulate a market but in this case i'm not sure what you mean, you think he was just like, I'm buying a bunch of Disney shares and then I'm going to try to fuel this fire? So, okay, just a, just a thought spark. Half the country loves whatever Donald Trump says. Half the country, I'd say not, I'd say less than half, but there's a solid quarter of the country that absolutely hates everything he says. And then I say there's a quarter that's kind of like, you know, more centrist, they go back

and forth. But we know half the country fucking loves it. Yeah. So Donald Trump knows has that information. Right. So if he says, tomorrow if he goes, fuck, fuck Nestle. Nestle is a bunch of fascists. They're a communist organization.

Their politics is bullshit. And I say we boycott Nestle. He knows that his words will affect half the country. But he knows it'll spark like a solid number that's going to start supporting Nestle no matter what. Right, right. So when you have that kind of power, you can, in essence, manipulate the market, or at least have friends that can benefit off you. I mean, the same way he goes, we're going to war, let's give contracts to these companies.

You could be, it's like almost you just got to get close to Donald Trump and listen to what he's thinking or plant seeds and is that. Yeah, all that, I think you have a point. Like, he can manipulate. I mean, it'd be interesting to think, like, but the long-term fallout of this Tylenol thing is, That's kind of like... That's a perfect example. He says Tylenol causes autism.

And you're like, and you're like, yo. I mean, and by the way, immediately, the World Health Organization, American Medical Association, doc, everyone's like, there are no studies to support this whatsoever. He's like, I got a gut feeling. And it's fucking crazy. The thing that's like, interesting is you know you do something like that and if you have influence you're definitely

open to like major legal action right because you can affect people like consumers buying habits you can affect share prices you know this is a still evolving story but like you know like there's legit i mean i feel like if it were anybody other than a sitting u.s. president you would have seen like aggressive tactics immediately from them instead they were like what what are you talking about and so but that doesn't mean that that's over you know that could evolve over time until like something serious legally you know because because of the influence you know I never fucked with a Cedaminophen no nice I never fucked with it I never I can tell you look like a real I can put together guy yeah I don't fuck with that

it. I don't fuck for it. When I go like, hey, what is, what's Bert staying away from? I fucking take it seriously. Cidaminopin, man. Yeah. I asked my mom if she ever took a Cidaminophen. And she said when they were pregnant, they weren't allowed to take anything.

I believe that. She goes, when we were pregnant, we weren't allowed to have coffee. We weren't allowed to have anything. It was clean. Water. No sodas, no nothing. And that was the old school thing. And then it's kind of laxed up.

I think Europe is to blame because Europe was like, like, Europe's like, you can drink wine. And then as soon as you drink wine, you're like, well, I can definitely have a Cidaminopin. I mean, I can have a couple smokes. What's the fucking big? Yeah. Sometimes I'll see, not all the time,

but every once in a while I'll see a pregnant woman smoking. And I always give her a nod and a wink, you know, because I'm like, do it. Do it. I saw, I saw, I wanted to write this as a joke, but I didn't because it just seems creepy, but I don't mind telling you it. So the last, I was the last,

The last time I was in New York, I took the subway. And I saw a girl holding a baby, and I was like, that, I was like, wow. I've gotten old. She is way too young to have a baby. And then she started breastfeeding. I was like, nah, she's not too old. And I watched her breastfeed. Oh, my God.

I'm glad you only save that for me. Nobody else will find out. I put sunglasses on. I was like, I'm not, she's not. She's got to be at least 20, right? 25, 26. How was that session? Was it cool?

It was weird. It was weird because everyone watched her breastfeed. Like, when you breastfeed like that, everyone watches. Yeah. Well, your tits out. Yeah, but it's like so normal. Did push breastfeed? Yeah.

And did she breastfeed in public? She seems like she would have been a public breastfeater. I mean, if she, yeah, but always with like there's like a cover you put on. She put a cover on. Oh, but you still were locked in. Yeah, I was still. dialed in just no part of your brain was like

oh just let that person do that in private kind of no I scooted over sat next to her it was like hi I'm bert she was like I'm breastfeeding and I was like oh it's crazy that's your name and you're doing it oh it's so crazy what's your tit stitch like can I get a peek hey I'm thirsty

you got an extra one over there yeah that's cool that's cool is that one of your searches do you like breastfeeding videos no no you know what I'm really into right now. No, you know what I'm really into now? Have you seen freeze porn? Freeze porn. Yeah. I don't think so. It's a, I'll break it down for you.

A girl's having a problem with her remote control in her hotel room. And the maintenance guy comes up and she berates him, right? She's like, listening, you piece of shit. This remote hasn't worked the entire time. I've been messing with it and he goes, well, I have a new remote. She goes, let me see it. And he goes, well, here, I'll turn it on and it hits it and it freezes her. And then she's like this. And then he just proceeds to undress her and fuck her. The whole time. That's it.

And then it'll unfreeze her. And she'll be like, wait, what are we? And then a freezerer again. It's kind of, it's kind of interesting. And by the way, the same guy does all, the same two people do all of them. Like that's, I think that's their niche. That's a good lane to be in. Yeah.

It's kind of fun because it toys with no consent. It toys with it, but they always consent towards the end. Right. Like they unfreeze. I mean, the girl's like, how did you know this is what I wanted? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, you know. Right.

Freeze porn. Freeze. Yeah, freeze. You've never seen. Are you not watching porn anymore because you're all the way in Texas when you're watching porn? Or you have to like register to watch it. You should set up, you should get an ID and get someone else's ID.

Get Zolo's ID and get an account. Yeah. Oh, he's already registered. So that's fine. Would you be comfortable? Would you be comfortable of America knew your porn search? is. Kind of. They're not that crazy.

So, yeah. I mean, do I want it out there? No, but I guess it wouldn't, like, ruin me. It wouldn't ruin me, but I think I would want it. It wouldn't ruin me, but I don't, half the time I look at porn, I'm looking for a joke. I'm looking for a joke about porn. Oh, right, right. Like, I'm not looking for the real thing.

And then if I see something that I don't recognize. And then your dick happens to get hard, you're like, I guess I should tug on it. If I see something I don't recognize where I'm like, wait, what's that? What's that? Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. I was like, yeah. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.

I'm going to look up freeze. Yeah. I bet we can find one for you. This porn is the best porn I've ever seen in my life. Oh, that. Yeah. That's the best porn I've ever seen in my life. Dude, I have not put mine on in over a year.

Really? Have you jerked off to it? When I first got it, yeah. Oh, I'm definitely doing that. Yeah. Shutting the lights out. Yeah. And then you, like, you forget that you're wearing it.

You, like, walk into a desk as you're coming. You're like, ow, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, that happened. I hurt myself a few times with that thing on. Are you serious? Not with the porn, really, but with, like, some of their games. Because you're like, you know, you're like moving.

And then all of a sudden you walk into a wall. And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah, it hurts so bad. I was in a hot air balloon in that. And I got a panic attack. Really? Like, I was like, you take off in a hot air, And you're like, shut up.

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And, um, but we're watching TV, we're having a cocktail. And her, my niece is like, is like a foot from an iPad with headsets on watching a Korean, lady assemble a recipe move things like move like rice in a package to over here with an arm and then move rice and it's like a Korean lady and the Korean lady looks at the TV screen every now and then goes oh and then just moving stuff in a in a factory just over and over and I was like that can't be good for her and that's what kids watch it do your kids watch that kind of stuff how old is your niece I don't know four or five it's her birthday today five Um, yeah, I mean, things like that, I feel like are for a certain, so they were watching, you know, not that exact thing, but shit of that nature in that age range. And then I think you, you start to notice that like every, not even a year, like every few months, six months maybe, you see these escalations in what bores them and what entertains them. So things that were like seemingly mundane, which are, uh, become mundane to them. They're like, I don't want to see that.

that shit. That's for little kids. And then they kind of evolve, you know, but they were doing, they were watching those kinds of like count this and like, yay, the voice is like, you're a cutie pie. And they're like, and they just stare at it. But they're like two, three, right? And then every year it kind of progresses more. And then, yeah, now they're like, want to see me play this game? I'm going to rob this guy. And then I'm going to hit him in the head with a hammer. And you're like, oh, okay. So you're like, fuck. So there's like, it's just, you know, a thing that evolves as they age. Is it the quickening, though?

Is this good for kids? How often do your kids just, how often do your kids walk out the front door and then come back like 10 hours later? Well, that's a good question. I mean, we encourage it a lot. Sometimes when they're like, you know, I'm bored, can I watch something?

And we're like, no. I'm like, what can I do? Like, go outside. And then they resist it. And then they're outside. And you're like, where are they? Right. And then it's, you have to drag them in,

which is kind of normal, I think. you're just encouraging them be out there, play outside, do something out there. They'll be reluctant and then they're loving it. So it kind of goes, I think, both ways. Because these phones are addictive. Yeah, for sure. We don't let them do iPads during the week. For real?

Weekends. Yeah. So when they come home from school, first of all, we're like, you know, they got home from school. They chill for a little bit, you know, play. And then it's like, all right, like we're going to get. ready like if they have an activity like jujitsu or something we do that and then it's like dinner and then after dinner it's like clean up and let's do homework so we do we do homework like right after dinner so it's you sit down and do homework with them yeah yeah a lot of times it's like

they have to um they both have reading every day so we like one of us will read if i'm home right i mean obviously i'm on the road a lot but i'll read with one she'll read with the other and then we just go over like any other homework you have like math or language stuff And we just sit there and kind of just supervise it, you know. It's funny because they're, you know, they're still at the age where the homework is, I mean, it takes 10 minutes max. It's not, it's not daunting homework. And they both are good at it. So they're both like, this is the easiest shit.

And you're like, great, do it. Finish it. And then they just do it. And you're like, okay, you're done now. But getting them to do it is the fucking thing, man. They're always like, I don't want to, let's do it later. I'm like, what do you mean later? It's fucking 730.

Like, let's just do it. And then you're done, dude. And it's such a thing to get them to start. And then they do it in like 10 minutes. And you're like, yeah, you're done, dude. Do they, are they like, are they like Texas kids? Or do they still have a little bit of L.A. to them? Wow, they're pretty Texan, brother.

For real? Yeah, I mean, yeah, they're real boys, boys. And then, you know, they're pretty active. Like, you know, they're doing sports. One's playing drums. You know, like they're, they're into like certain types of activities. and they're always like, when can we go to the gun range? So, yeah, they feel like Texans.

Yeah. Yeah. Are we shooting two, two, threes today? What do we got? I'm like, uh, right? So, yeah. Holy shit. That's crazy.

They would have been soft as shit. Liberals if they had been raised out here and now they're just redneck Republicans. Who knows if they're going to end up being like, how y'all doing? I mean, it could happen. I don't fuck. That's crazy that you get that as a kid. I never thought I'd get like woke liberals for kids. Yeah, you have two.

woke liberal daughters. Woke liberal daughters. Yeah. They're still innocent to my kids, both kids, though. So you just don't know what's going to, you know what I mean? Like they're still pretty naive and innocent to like the world. Yeah. I don't know when the girls, I think over the pandemic is when the girls got woke.

That makes sense. That's like a time that would like pivot somebody. I think the thing that happened is during that time, they had friends transition and uh and i think and then i wasn't very um obviously i was just who i am and i was like i was never i was misgendering everybody and uh that's when they'd like get defensive be like dad dad you have to do it right just try and i'd be like oh fuck i was like just tell me what what it was when it was started yeah what it was when it started

and then tell me what it is right now and I'll tell you what it is I'm not going to fucking jump through hoops for a fucking kid I've known fucking five minutes who's like so are they checking you all the time on like the things you say the way you speak like things like that

not not not Georgia more island Georgia I think once they went to college and they got they've got pretty grounded Although Georgia's a little, yeah, I don't know. I made a joke I saw for, I think I told you this already,

but I saw we were at Iowa's college. And I noticed that the trans, by the way, I'm talking wildly irresponsible. I'm just telling you what I saw. But I noticed that a lot of the trans people at her college all had canes. They'll have, uh, canes. Yeah, like canes. And so not the chicken tenders,

but the actual, like, I'm a source. They were disabled also? A lot of the, a lot of, I mean, from what I saw, this is just my, my take. You saw a cluster of disabled trans people. Four disabled trans people. Okay. And I called them a trans slam to Isla. And because it was four of them.

And she did not laugh. And she was like, dad, stop. And then I was like, it's a good joke. Yeah. She was like, I said, yeah, but, you know, she doesn't, like, she didn't find it funny. I think Georgia, you know what happened with Georgia? And maybe not so much, Ila, but when Georgia went on the road for fully loaded,

she was around Davidel, Big J. O'Gerson, and Shane Gillis. And I think they kind of broke the woke out of her. Like they made her, they got her to laugh and stuff. They made it, well, she, the first joke, Shane had a joke about, about going back to a plantation and the black guy talking to him weird. and he was like, go back to your quarters or whatever. You know, and Georgia went like this. Like, whoa.

And I went, what? She goes, you're not, you can't say that. And he just did. She was, yeah, you're not supposed to laugh at it. I was like, you have a stadium full of people just did. She goes, can I laugh at it? And I go, did you find it funny? She was like, yeah, but if someone sees you laugh at it, you get in trouble.

And I was like, no. That's not how it works. And then a tell went up right after. And he was like, I like, I'm not, I mean, I feel bad doing an a tell joke because because I don't want you know I want to burn any of his material but it was something about pubic hair and it was it's just awesome and Georgia laughed out loud and then she goes I think David Tells my favorite comedian and I was like he's everyone's favorite comedian she was like dad I like the aggressive stuff like I like it and I was like yeah and then Ila just fell in love with Big Jay

Ila just and I you know I think Ila is probably less woke because of fully loaded she did two years of fully loaded also but um but Georgia and days he came out that first year and they were they and those guys just they broke it out of her they turned her into a regular person well that's good it's good that they're honestly the best thing is to be exposed to all of it yeah and then figure out who you are like georgia was never going to misgender or mispronown someone yeah neither will i'll i'll i will i will i just probably will i don't i just like i say bro to everyone or dude or hey guy or yeah yeah yeah yeah and that always sucks when you do that like getting coffee you're like thanks big guy and they're like i'm a girl

And you're like, uh, all right. Okay. Yeah. Sure thing, bro. Thanks, big guy to a girl. Definitely hurts. I said big guy to a girl. It's a big guy to a girl.

I did not know it was a girl at all. And I was like, because there's certain ones that like actually you go, people say, what's up guys and like, hey, dude, what's up, bro? You say that to, you can say that to a girl. And like if she's, you know, not super defensive, like it works. It's like, what's up? But if you're like, what's up, big guy. it's different

I mean it was I mean like I just I'm just saying what I saw was a big fella It was a big guy I guess I was like okay You dye your hair a little bit It's a little weird haircut What's up dog

And you got some you got some Some earrings That's the big man right here Yeah I was like what's a big guy She's like And she was like I'm not a guy And I was like okay And then I was like

Sure And then I was like You big bitch I go if you're not If you're not Okay if you're if you're never mind i'm out of this okay it's just getting worse yeah yeah it's not using works getting worse what does the future hold for business ask nine experts and you'll get ten answers

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I have no idea. I know that we had submissions. Where are we with that? By the way, I have a business pitch for you. Oh. I have a business pitch for our fans, but a business pitch for you that I want to field and I would love to group workshop. Group workshop, yeah.

Oh, fuck. Yes, I'm already in. Hey, my name is Ken's. 27-year-old newlywed from the Midwest. I have an existing only fan that didn't make it due to lack of following wanting to keep my identity hidden at the time. I would love the opportunity to work with you guys. I'd be open to revamping my current OF or starting fresh.

I do have some experience with modeling in my early 20s. I love your idea of doing something different rather than just filling all my holes, laughing my ass off, although everything has a price. Right, boys? Let me show you guys. Love the show. You guys. keep my husband and I laugh okay great um all right let's see these here yep nice very nice oh

that's really really nice yep very pretty she's very pretty yeah she's very uh she's she's she's got let's just break this down she's got fantasy quality right yeah she looks like a new bile right is that the right word like i don't know like shouldn't look like she's it'll be found her at a gas station. No, no. Yeah, she looks like she reads. She probably likes Lord of the Rings. Like I think a lot of our fans are going to be like, oh yeah, I could get into a chick like this. Yeah, she seems really, really pretty, seems cool. It's got some ink. It's a great option. I bet she could put on a bunch of different looks. Yeah, for sure. Maybe she does cosplay shit. I guarantee you she probably does cosplay. Yeah. All right, this is a really good one to consider. I mean, you're the ultimate,

this was your idea. So you're going to have to be like, it's. it's this person. Okay. But, um, yeah, that's a really good one. Let's see. Who else? Oh, holy shit. Ah, yeah, baby.

Fuck yeah. Wow, way to bring it. Way to fucking bring it. Some of them just get it, dude. God, some of them just fucking get it. Yes. So if you're listening right now or watching, because we're probably not showing you this, uh, this is a woman who is posing, um, you're seeing her from behind.

One leg is up. And then she has a bottle, a full bottle of porosos in her no-no hole. I mean, there's so much to this picture to break down. I love the light herring on her under thigh. That's so sexy. The little peach fuzz there? I love her nails. I love the tattoos on her fingers.

Her heels have been worn down by a pedicurist. I would love to see what she looks like. Okay. Is there any more written here? Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, she's got a whole thing going on, though. Real Delilah. Well, give her a plug anyway.

Real Delilah.com. Yeah. Okay. Oh, she's all tatted like you like. Yeah. I'm Delilah. I'm a small town Wisconsin, Milf, who's been spreading my wet flap on the internet for five years now. I'm most known for taking large in all capital letters, fantasy dildos, and of course my poor Roso's video. Oh, there's a video. Hey, guys. She made a video? Is there a video?

Maybe she posted one somewhere. That would be, yeah, a thing, I guess. But I think this woman actually, I mean, she has a website. Like this, she's the real deal. She is a real deal. I'd love to see this video, but she is the real deal. I'm sure the video, maybe on Twitter, X. that's where people post wild shit right i haven't been on accident forever i was on uh what's uh yeah see so she has this is like another level of professionalism this is like what oh

fansley poor osos bottle and pee it's one of her go-to videos let's click that this is where i get the freakiest from piss content to random insertion and more i promise full nude pics naky tictox naked legos full length videos thirsty Thursday P content random insertion, solo content with dildos of all sizes, boy girl content. She's really doing it all, man. This woman is really, oh, there's Twitter.

I wonder if she has a, see it right there? Right where it's, yeah, yeah. Yes, view profile. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, she hasn't posted. All right, well, she's keeping it. She's got 226,000 followers, bro. Oh, she's legit.

Yeah, yeah. This is a pro, dude. I mean, we'd be, we'd be bringing a fucking pro onto the team when I think it's better easier to break like a new talent right someone you can manipulate more not manipulate but you know just help grow just help grow yeah help grow help grow yeah okay I mean this is someone that we would be like she does guy and girl content you'd be like yo we're gonna do a fan contest and the fan gets have sex with her on only there's a guy that I follow and he's like what bro my dog my boss said I got to stop fucking chicks online bro bro I'm having

fun. I'm having a good do you know what I'm talking about? What's this? What's this? Okay. Here you're on the hunt for first OF model. Here's my angle. I'm currently medium attractive. I want to be hotter. I come in as your OF model in progress.

I love this. Procedures that I want, simple like teeth, light cosmetic work, maybe a trainer, nothing crazy. The audience gets to be involved, follow along as I get hotter. So the glow up can be secondary content in a relatable and funny way. I'm experiencing the kink that's seen plethora of stories to share.

I'm passionate about my craft, somewhat self-aware, self-deprecating, shameless, committed, et cetera. It could be more dimensional than just a simple O-F. I'd be open to candidly sharing procedures I want, sharing stories from my past, et cetera, et cetera. It would be my dream to work with two of my favorites. I think I'd come in more like, I'd come in more like the Tom of O.F. joy the craft and experience as opposed to being driven by fame and attention like Bert.

Okay. Oh, pass on her. I don't know. Here's her screen grabs. They're pretty good. She's cute, man. She's attractive. Are you seeing?

I'm fucking stuck on that last sentence. Oh. She really thinks that I'm just stuck on fame and attention. Well, she's not, you know, she's not crazy. yeah okay all right well that was i mean it was playful i don't think she meant it like super serious

just a little bit okay all right is there another one we need to see let's see the next one turn on a vacation now okay oh these are like dms oh nice oh a guy a guy oh he i'm entering oh my wife some fit. She's so excited about the possibility. Okay. So this is like the pimp husband. Okay. Very beautiful. Sure. Yeah. Eating pizza. Yeah. I think, um, did you see this person before? I don't know. She's eating a lot of pizza. Yeah. Well, it's not sticking to her. I mean, she's really put together, man. Like, that's the kind of prototype body right yeah no you're not into it uh i don't i i have i just feel weird about like uh i

want to deal with her directly i don't want to have to go talk to my husband yeah yeah because it's like if we come up with a weird idea husband's like what did you just say and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i got you i just would rather talk to like one entity okay oh here we all go oh let me see him set up set up my page Set up my of, oh, F page, please, Bert. He just targeted you. I think we got to readdress our fans' relationships with us. Please pimp me, Bert.

It's just for you, bro. Oh, no, this is me. Can you pimp me, please, Tom? Okay. Tom, why don't you answer me? Please pimp me. I'm sending my cock again. Please.

God, he's got a great cock. It's pretty crazy. All right. So when it's that big, you can't even. and get fully hard. That's just angled down. It's kind of kind of interesting angle. So that's,

we haven't heard from a guy yet. I know, that guy's got a hog. Yeah. Well, you definitely use him. Well, yeah, you need both, right? Yeah. All right.

I think we're good here. That was great. Okay. So are those all our submissions? I think those are, I mean, look, this is going to keep coming in forever. So I said we wrap it. I say we put very

succinct, like a best photo up. We do a carousel on two bears YMH. We'll both share it and we'll let our fans vote on who our only fans model is going to be. Okay. So you have to make it to the carousel to be considered though. Yeah. You've got to the carousel. Yeah. Okay. And so we've got our carousel, right? Yeah, I think so. We're going to have to like offline it and just Yeah, we'll offline it, get our carousel. And then we'll post it and then you guys pick which we want and then uh and then we'll find a fun

introductory video that she can post on only fans that everyone's going to go wow i want to go see her only fans i think it should be i think it should be like a cribs um type style video of her body oh like oh okay she'll open the door go hey everybody this is my cribs and she's like come on in these are my tits and then she talks about her tits a little bit they're a little smaller bigger People really, oh, guys have always paid attention to my nipples. You know, maybe, and maybe it's clothes on so that everyone's kind of like, maybe like, you know, it's like, like, like, you know, it's like, like, like yoga pants, like a revealing outfit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, and she walks us through her body and her favorite aspects.

Guys always love my feet. These are my feet. I want to show you that. And so it's like a Cribs tour of herself. You know, you kind of were born to do this, I feel like. That's a good idea for this. Do you want to hear my best idea ever? I'd love to.

I came up with it with Brian Erlocker and Chase Rice yesterday. Okay. And they're on board. They like it. And I think you'd be on board. We've got to find the right city to do it in. So I asked Brian Erlocker, ex-Bair's linebacker, Hall of Famer, crazy.

I said, what do you miss most about professional sports? And Chase played football over at UNC as well. I said, what do you guys miss most about professional sports? And their answer, and I'm curious, like, what do you miss most about sports? You're asking me now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You played college football. I did not.

But the thing that I, I think the most, honestly, the fun thing that you miss the most, I think it's the same. as amateur sports people and professionals because I've hung out with ex-professionals and you kind of see this is that even though they're the higher level, the thing that's the same is camaraderie, like hanging out with the guys. The locker. And like, yeah, like that's the most fun, whether you're 17 or 30. It's the hanging out, busting balls, bonding over, bonding over things that suck, two a day's,

shitty practices watching film getting made fun of by your coach in the film like that happens at every level and even when you don't

make it to the pros like you still have like I still have friends from high school and we still will talk about remember that fucking thing and then the pros just talk about it

you know for longer they work up to the highest level that's what I think that's my business pitch which is a locker room we create a locker room you create a locker room

in a city, you create a locker room. It's got a, it's got a gym. You got a, you got an equipment guy that meets you right when you walk in the door. He's out of shape. He's shorter than everyone. Maybe he's got a list. He's like, what up, Tommy? How you doing?

And you're like, hey, Zach. And he's like, hey, got your locker ready for you. Doc's got you on, on Zofran. Like, you know, like, so you got a dock. You got the whole locker room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You recreate the whole thing. You got a strength coach.

You got conditioning coaches. You got a real coach who's like a therapist. But you have a missing ingredient that's tough to manufacture. Black dudes. They are tough to get. But also, whether you're amateur or pro, you have a unified goal. Right. So if you go, this is the locker room, you have all this shit.

People just show up. It could be like 24-hour fitness. You're just like, yeah, I'm here to work out. You need a unified goal. Yeah. That's what's going to help drive the bond. Okay. I love this.

I love this. See, this is what I, you know, this is what I love. love is when you take an idea to someone and they help you figure out how to make it better, right? Yeah. Where they don't just go, well, it's stupid. Why wouldn't I just go to a gym? And you're like, no, that's not about the gym.

Right. It's about the hang. And it's about Saturday morning showing up. Like you go to the, you go to, we call it the locker room. Maybe we call it the facility, right? You show up at the facility and you have laundry done there. You everyone wears the same shit to work out. You have a gym.

You have a strength coach. You have conditioning. Everyone shows up. Maybe locker room hours are like six to ten. and every morning during the weekdays. And on Saturdays, everyone shows up at the same time. And you have, like, you have a goal. Maybe your goals are on Sundays.

Maybe, but I love that camaraderie. No one's got a name. Everyone's got a number. You walk in, they're like, what's up 44? And you're like, how you doing? So it's almost like, and then it's almost like fight club. You go out into the city and you're out to dinner with your family. One guy with her locker room walks by and you're like, 22.

He's like, what's up 44? And your wife's like, what the fuck was that? And you're like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. No, it's fun. Yeah. It's a fun thing. It would be a fun way to a fun approach to me.

It's for guys that loved busting balls, loved the energy of high school locker rooms that don't technically want to go to a equinox or a crunch. And don't want to get a train. But then here's the other thing. Shoot. How do you, you got to, so the thing about the sports thing is that everyone wants to be there because they want to play that sport, right? So you kind of deal with who shows up.

But if someone was just showing up, like, how do you filter out people you don't want there? You're right. What you're saying is right, because you do have to have a goal that filters people out. You have to have a physical goal because the one thing I noticed when I did the bench press against the bustle with the boys is that having a goal in mind, meaning like if I, like, I knew that if I did every exercise the perfect way, no matter if I, failed at it or succeeded at it if I did it perfectly. And failure was even better because if I could only get two, 75, three times, I still went for all six because I knew that those extra three were the thing that were going to get me there.

And I never phoned it in. And I said if I just do the hardest work, then I'll achieve that goal. And when I watch those guys do bench press like Jason Kelsey and and Taylor and Will. What's so funny, Tom, is their bench press was close gripped because that's where they, that's where they push from. And I was like, I was like, oh, they're, they never worked out to look good. They worked out to be able to throw bigger men off them. So if you have that goal in mind as a team, I think it creates, it, that is in, you're right, that creates the camaraderie. That creates the hard work. That creates the bust and balls of like, bust your ass a little harder and, and, and,

and high tide raises all the boats. But what is that thing? And then maybe this is a franchise where locker rooms play other locker rooms. Maybe we're creating mini sports teams. Yeah, you got to create some ultimate competition. Because you go to the locker room to get ready for the thing. Yeah. You got to have some thing.

You know, it's got to be. And if you're getting like middle-aged dudes, you don't want it to be violent or like super explosive. It could be like those those those those those. Kids in Miami. I envy those football teams in Miami. Those all young black kids where they go around, they're like, what watch you wear? And they're all wearing Apple watches. Have you seen that? No. They're all wearing Apple watches. They're all wearing Apple watches. They're like, is it charged? They're like, no. They just have mine. They all have on Apple watches. It's all about the fit. They do fit checks. And then my favorite one ever. Oh, they're not even high school. They're like eight years old. Oh, they're little kids. They're little kids. They're little kids. And they're like, the best one is, um.

Is that that kid that like dresses people down? Like, look at this old motherfucker like that kid on the sidelines. I tried to get him to two bears 5K. Yeah. That kid was hilarious. He's hilarious. He's like, I got obsessed with it with it because he was like, he's like, oh, who's your celebrity crush? And everyone says Lotto.

Lotto. And they're like, why you like Lotto? And they're like, slim thick. And he's like, what do you know about that slim thick? He's like seven years old. He's seven, yeah. He's like saying what you know about. What you know about that slim thing?

Look at this. Old-ass-looking boy. Yeah, he's so young. Did he ever respond? No, they never responded. I think it's someone who probably, it's like a parent who's like, you know, I don't really, I'm not going to hire my kid out, you know. Maybe.

I mean, he should, because the kid's talented. If our next 5K, I'd hire him to work the field. That little kid, the best is. We should do another 5K. We should do another 5K. that shit was too fun I was such a great I was such

and do you see how much weight jelly's losing dude he's so last time when we saw him at that last 5K I was like god damn good on you like he'd lost

a hundred and like 20 pounds or something and you're like god damn he's still a big guy yeah big dude now he has like

just like a medium build like he's lost he had to have lost another hundred pounds It's crazy. He is doing, you know, I was listening to Gary Brecker on someone's podcast, and he was talking about, he flew out to Jelly texted him and said, do you work with fat people?

I mean, let's never get it twisted. Jelly, jelly is, I got to be honest with you. It's chicken and the egg kind of scenario. We came up with this stupid 5K idea, but I don't think it was going anywhere. I think we were like, yeah, we'll do it. Let's do it. Maybe we were toying with it. And once Jelly said he was.

was going to do it, that started the groundswell of people wanting to do it and people wanting to follow Jelly's journey. But Jelly's the inspiration. Jelly decided to do all the hard work to get to lose the way to do the 5K. And he called Gary Brecker was like, do you work with fat people? Gary Brecker flew out. They got in a private jet together. And Gary Breka shared all this. And Jelly never shared with any of us, which is, is Jelly was saying, you know, he had to sleep on his If he slept on his back, he had the chance of choking and aspirating and that he'd wake up every morning and thank God he was he was he lived through the night and that and they got all his blood work back and he was just like devastated like shit, I'm in bad shape. And then and then to

look at where he is today. It's incredible. It's so incredible. Yeah, I saw a picture of him posing, I think in Italy and like wearing like designer clothes and you're like, oh shit. Like, Yeah, this. Look at him. What the fuck. Dude, he's unrecognizable from where he was two years ago. That's great. He looks fantastic, man.

If you type on jelly on Bertcast, he was, he had been partying that night before. Like, I think he was doing Coke the night before. And he came in hot. And he was, and he was large. And, but man, he looks great. Yeah, now. Absolutely. Yeah.

That's crazy. Just, just, uh. oh yeah no look at that dramatic dude that is dramatic it's dramatic that's from 22 holy shit so yeah he's at his full close to his full max there yeah oh he's wild yeah all right yeah oh look that's awesome dude I'm happy for him but yes we will definitely do another one we should do another 5k we'll reach out to jelly and see if we can all be in the same town at the same time for the same thing that'd be red that'd be

red um let me take it I got a piss so bad no piss no piss how do I turn this back on this is crazy it's a real person are we back? Yep hang on you good all I did was pee

that's crazy yeah what happened to the Russian she's still here dude you can see her fillings like it's crazy you can see her feelings like it's a real person she seems nice

she seems nice she's a little skinny for my taste she's small and I wouldn't mind if the guy looked a little bit like me. It would be cool if I could avatar the guy up, you know? Oh, right. And dress him and be like, put a fit bit on him, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Like put a little more hair on his arms. I don't mind seeing the abs. But like his dick is like glistening. It's a pretty sweet cock. I would like a little smaller. Yeah. Like just so it's a little more believable.

Yeah. But it's crazy. She's like a real person. And you can totally see, like, they're called VR Bangers is the company, Make America Hard Again. You're acting like I haven't owned one of these for a year and a half. Can you imagine every kid's got a hold of one of those? No. No.

Can you imagine if your kid was like, hey, dad, can I, can I want to play a video game? And he's like, wait, what the fuck? Holy fuck. No, that would definitely overwhelm a small mind. It would overwhelm. It's almost like, I'm going to say this. It's almost like getting. Well, I was thinking it was more like trying drugs too young, but yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's like it's, I shouldn't happen to you at that age. If you could, if you could. What's the perfect age to give that to a kid? To a kid? Yeah, I mean like, like meaning for if it was me or you, like at what age would you have like to have received that and been like, I'm going to spend some. time alone. I mean, I think it's definitely better to put that off as long as you can. I think that would have been the best. Seventh grade. No, that's too crazy. If I got in seventh grade,

seventh grade is when I like really got any jerking off. No, but it would wreck you, dude. It would wreck, it would wreck what you would have done, like trying to meet and get with girls. It would wreck it. And it did for lots of people in different ways. And I'm sure it's still happening. But seventh grade is too young, bro. It's too young. You don't want it that early. you want it if you're going to do that you want it after you've had some real life experience i think it's bad to have it before real life experience it's not going to help you no i think it would hinder you it's like it's almost like someone teaching you to ride a motorcycle but all you know how to know how to do is pop of wheelies and you're like you got to learn how to do a figure eight

and not drop it did you get a bike no weren't you going to yeah what happened i don't know you were close yeah i don't want to talk about the same way you don't want to talk about sadi arabia so it got shut down pretty hard huh yeah oh yeah oh yeah you have no idea yeah it's like it was like uh it's like right now our our big deal is a puppy because you know we thought we put down uh mac and izzie's just is he's so sad and you can just see it the dog just our other dog just is like, yo, I had a life,

and I just sit in this house by myself. And I'm trying to convince Lan to get a puppy. I want to get another bullmast of puppy just to bring life back into the house. Macro's so full of a life. And Leanne will do it. And it's one of those things where it's like,

you know, I bust balls and bust balls and bust balls. And then she's like, hey, we ain't talking about this no more. And then you're like, oh, okay,

this isn't even a joke anymore. And so then you're like, I guess you, okay. She doesn't want to do it because she doesn't want to deal with another. She doesn't want to have to, We shouldn't have to potty train a dog.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's it. I mean, makes sense. Yeah, but it's just, it's like, I don't think anyone should just have one dog. Or let me rephrase that. If you're going to have one dog, just always have one dog.

Never get two. Right. If you get two, you'd never want to go back to one. If you get two, you're going to be like, yo, it's almost like you spend less time with your dogs when you have two because they play with each other. And then you're not going to break them up, playing with each other, but the one thing that is sucks, it's like, with Mac, I had, I always

cuddled with Mac, Leanne always cuddled with Izzy. And, and, uh, and George always cuddle with Mac, I'll always cuddle with Izzy. And now it's just, it's like Leanne and Izzy, and I'm just sitting there going, who's my dog? Yeah. And she's like, we'll go get the cat. And I was like, ugh. Just go get, why don't you, what happened if you just show up with another dog? I'm in Arizona soon. that's where we got that's where we got mac and that's where we got mac and is he and no not priscilla priscilla we got from a gay meth house what if you just went to the what yeah what if you went to the breeder and you just took photos with the dog and be like how about this guy and send him

and she's like all right you know i think our breeder reached out to leanne she's like i heard about mac and leanne's like don't reach out to me don't talk to me i think lian shut it down right so then you go and you initiate. Yeah. You know? Is it Connie Corso or Kane Corso? Don't know who you're talking about. The dog.

Because I've been looking, all I do is look at dogs. All I do is I have dogs are in my algorithm. I'm looking at puppies. Corso? Connie. It's Connie Corso is how I've always been told how it's said. But everyone online is calling it a Kane Corso. And I'm wondering if they're mispronouncing their own dog breed.

Yeah, I mean, it sure feels like Kane. but I don't know. Will you hit pronunciation, see if it says, because you're Italian, Tom, or you're Italian-adjacent. Right. How do you say it? That looks like Kane by the phonetic thing.

King Corso. Kane Corso. I'm not pronouncing it that way. No, no, no. Go down the correct pronunciation is Kane Corso. Oh, people who don't know better because of it say Cain. Oh, but that also is just a Reddit thread. I believe Reddit.

Reddit's never wrong. So Kane or K, I've never, yeah, never, never seen that before, bro. Connie Korses are bad dogs. What's the drop-down say? Ooh, this is a different version. Maybe this will be on your side. Speech Modification.com presents how to pronounce. Kane means dog in Italian.

Stress the first syllable. Kane. Kane. So it's Kone. So it's Cane Corso. Conne Corso. Conne Corsoes are badass fucking dogs. I rarely feel like I get to say, wow, I really learned something from you today, Bert.

But it is Cane Corso. That's pretty good, man. Conne Corso. So is it an Italian breed? Is that why? It's an Italian Mastiff. It's basically an Italian breed of Mastiff. And they're beautiful.

Look at that dog. Look at that dog. They're gorgeous. The prettiest dog that's around is a dogo Argentino. And that dog is pulling dogo Argentino. Doggo? Doggo Argentino. Right there.

All right. This dog, look at that. White. Look at that the second one over. Look at the chest on that fucking dog. Yeah, dude. He's fucking yoked. Dude, he looks like a kangaroo.

What's the, what's the background on these? Like, what's the story? These are, I think they're pig hunting dogs. So I think they're like, they're like, they used to go around and hunt wild boars in Argentina with them. All right. So the dogo, dogo is fucking hilarious. Doggo.

The dogo Argentino is an Argentine breed of large mastiff. It was bred in the early 20th century in Cordoba in central Argentina, primarily for large game hunting. Wow, that's insane. Is it legal here? or illegal? It says why are dogos illegal in the U.S.? Oh, they're not illegal.

They are legal to own nationwide, although some cities and counties have local restrictions on bans on the breed due to concerns about their strong prey drive power and potential for aggression, which necessitate proper training. The breed was developed for big game hunting. That's a beautiful dog, bro.

First time I saw that dog, we were boar hunting in Hawaii, and they had big, thick collars on it with tracking devices and they had like six of them and they were losing their mind and they're like oh yeah they'll grab the bore they'll hold the bore down until we find it and we'll use the tracking device to find them holy shit and bro look imagine if you got that pup dude let me see the pup dude come on and then and then you teach him to be your your like that's the thing about mac is we taught mac to be our apocalypse dog like this dog will protect the house

And Izzy is the one that follows you everywhere, sits at your feet, anywhere you go, Izzy is. But Mack stood at doorways waiting for people. And his favorite place to sit was at any doorway where the door was open, he'd sit and guard it. Oh, I miss that fucking dog. And then I could get one of these and just, I'd get another Bull Mastiff. Bull Mastiff's the most amazing breed I've ever had in my entire life. Dogs are the best, bro. Dogs are the fucking best.

I know. I miss having dogs. God damn it. You're a cat guy now. Yeah, we have cats. We have multiples now. We got another cat. Wow.

I have to say, I've been pleasantly surprised that these guys are awesome. They really are. They're really cool. I know you guys are really good friends with Marilyn Rice Cub. Yeah. She's got the best cat in the fucking world. Really? Have you ever seen her cat?

No. Type in Marylin'all. Maryland Rice Cubs cat. This is the baddest cat you're ever going to fucking meet. That fucking thing? What is that? A lynx? Her cat is fucking awesome, dude.

Holy shit. Her cat would protect her. Look at how big that goddamn cat is. That's what I'm saying. That looks like a wild cat. What is that? Is that a bobcat? I think it's a Savannah monitor.

Holy shit. Savannah cat. I'm sorry. Savannah cat. Wow. Dude, her cat fucking rocks. That's crazy. I got to hit her up about this.

This is nuts. Dude, if you're getting another cat, get one of those, I think the only place you can have it, I got to be honest with you, I don't even know if you're allowed to have it in Texas. Oh, oh my God. Look at the lag on that thing. Yeah, I mean, that really looks like a wild cat, bro.

I've never heard of this. Isn't it funny that I could tell you, like I know that animals that people have, on Instagram. Yeah, that is really nuts. What is... Savannah.

Oh, yeah, Savannah. Right. So it's a mix between this, a serval? Yeah. Wow. And then a domestic short hair and it breeds a savanna cat. Yeah, but this is a wild cat, bro. Look at this.

Oh, yeah. It can jump like 10 feet. I believe it. Probably more. And it gives you those doe eyes and you're like, what a sweet little guy. Then it just comes up and malls your face. That's a badass animal.

Holy shit. That's so cool. So much we learned today. We are almost at the point of declaring an O-F person that we're going to try to promote. I had no idea that there was such thing as a Conne Corso, Argentine Dogo, Argentino. mary lyn has this the best fucking wild animal in her house cat ever and we and listen hey if you're out we're gonna do another 5k we're gonna do another 5k and if you're out there and you're saying to us hey bert

and tom that locker room idea is not that bad can i give you a soft pitch on it and i go yeah we'd love to hear it and then i'd love to figure it out most i think it has to happen in austin because you're there and i'm there more often than not okay let's do it it, dude. Awesome. Awesome. This is awesome. This was fun.

Hey, just come back. Just come back alive, okay? I love you. Okay. Just come back alive. Don't read anything. Don't just come back alive. See you next time.

I don't go back to this. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears one cave. Thank you.

Thank you.