2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Tom Hanks For President | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

SPONSORS: Tune-in to the NASCAR Cup Series race on Sunday, April 21st at 3:00 PM Eastern on FOX https://www.nascar.com/nascar-cup-series/2024/schedule/?cid=_SC_TP_WL_2B1CAMS_230202 Visit http://Kettleandfire.com/BEARS and use code: BEARS at check out for 25% off your entire order. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Go to http://liquiddeath.com/BEARS to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Bert and Tom are back together to chat about whatever is going on in their heads. They talk about self-loathing, finding your "thing", Topdog, the illusion of immortality, having family goals, thirsting over pictures of young Charo, plus Bert and Tom endorse Vin Diesel for President of the United States of America. https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 232 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We are back. I got to tell you, there's this thing that happened over the last few months, which is that everybody has discovered the wonder of just nicotine straight to the system. Let me tell you, I didn't know where you're going with this. I if I could invest in anything and we just know we launched a vodka. Yeah, I wish we had put it in big tobacco. Yeah. I wish we had put it in big tobacco.

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bears at checkout for 25% off your entire order. Well, no, nicotine. Is it not the same? No, because there's no tobacco. Nicotine is the chemical that you traditionally had when you smoked or did tobacco in any way. What window liquors do these guys look like now?

Yeah. That they were selling cancer when you could just get it clean. I fucking love it. Here's the thing. It's everywhere you- This is not an ad. This is not an ad. No, no, no.

By the way, this is organic. You know we love nicotine. I've been living with just shots of nic. Here's the thing. Somebody told me, they're like, oh yeah, but if are you, nicotine pouches, there's still some side effects. And I'm like, my side effects are that life is great. I take big shits.

That's awesome. I take big shits, I love being on Instagram. You focus? I love doing it with a podcast. I haven't even started mine, I'm about to take one. I know, all these different flavors. But hang on, can I tell you what's crazy? Is like, there are dudes I follow,

I wish I could name all of them, but that are big Zen guys. And here's the thing with Zen, and I mean this with love. Zen's the fucking homecoming queen that doesn't let you finger her. Right. Which is, she's kind of, I mean, the truth is like, she's pretty.

Yeah, she's pretty, she's beautiful. Everyone looks at her, everyone knows her. But if you don't get to like get, she's beautiful. Everyone looks at her. Everyone looks at her. Everyone knows her. But if you don't get to like get a whiff. Even if you date her, you can't finger her cause she's like, yeah, I'm Zen. Yeah. Can I tell you what I love about Lucy? Is there's two fingers in her.

Like she's. Lucy's like more. More. And here's the thing. And by the way, by the way, this might be a sponsor cause they sent us this fucking box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this box made my dick harder

than anything in the world. I know because there's so many flavors and they these Geniuses came up with the like the breakers the break guy. I was fucking Leanne the other night Yeah, and I said and and I was like and I fucking threw a breaker in In the middle I call breakers I just call them breakers. Well, it says breakers on it Yeah, and I know but I don't even call them Lucy's I call them breakers. Yeah, and she goes What do Well it says breakers on it. Yeah, and I don't even call them Lucy's, I call them breakers. Yeah. And she goes, what did you just do? And I said I put a breaker in, way to come.

Oh Jesus. Dude, sex with a fucking Lucy in is so fucking hot. Here, let's see. Can I tell you what I also love about Lucy? Once again, not a sponsor, kind of a sponsor. I'm sure, maybe, I'm sure after they hear this, they're gonna be a sponsor. That's the best'm maybe I'm sure after they hear this they're gonna be a spot Mmm, that's the best feeling I break it my back teeth I've never broken up my front teeth on the front teeth as such the move

All right kind of reminds me of nail biting which is such a thrill They have a spinal tap thing about them where they're like we go to 11 The other thing that these motherfuckers do is they give you a fucking like trash bin Yeah, none of the other guys do that. Can I tell you what I miss about Zins? What? Is all the secret places I put them when I'm done. What do you mean? Oh.

Underneath this table. Oh, God. You just trash them there? It's littered with Zins. My favorite thing to do is... Can you make note of that, please? One of my favorite things to do is I put them in the side of a couch. I put them anywhere. When I'm done, I put them anywhere, like when I'm done,

I just wanna hide them. My favorite one I've ever done is do not disturb sign. If you open the door quick, it falls off the handle. Well, I put a fucking Zin on the handle and stick it to the handle so that it's stuck there and it doesn't go anywhere. Why are you like this? Yeah.

Oh, my front teeth don't touch. Try. They don't touch. Go. I can't, they don't touch. You can. No, right. Oh.

My front teeth don't touch. Oh. Feels so good. Ah, ah, ah. I love that in the instructions of how to do it. You feel it hit your bloodstream and then you're like, okay, yeah, no, I'm ready. I love having an addiction.

Yeah. I love addictions. They're so cool. Like until they get too bad. Yeah, but if you can manage it. I gotta be honest with you, man. I'm on a bender right now. I haven't done a bender in a while.

How's it feel? Awesome. It feels so good. It feels so good to be out of control. Really? But in control. Like you go, I'm gonna be able to- Controlled chaos.

I love it. I love it. We were drinking earlier today, doing a podcast, drank last night, and I feel amazing. Like I feel amazing like, can I tell you what it is? Yeah.

Is I don't hate myself. When you're- When I'm on a bender, I don't hate myself. I hate myself the next morning, and that's the thing I don't like. But like I love, like alcohol is so immediate. I feel like there's something deeper if you explore what you just said, okay You know, I mean dig into it dig into your eyebrows because let me You just did it. You just fucking did it. What I said to Leanne last night or just then I said

My favorite thing about Tommy is when his eyebrows go up. It means he's interested But you realize what you said was pretty profound right You said when I'm on a bender I don't hate myself But I hate myself the next day. Yeah, You don't think that's a revealing statement? No. Really? It's nice to disappear and to go like, hey man, it's like, especially like, I don't know if everyone has,

do you think everyone wakes up and goes like, no one likes me? No, I don't think everyone feels that way. I wake up sometimes and go, no one likes me, no one has a reason to like me, I don't like me. Like I wake up in my head sometimes. I don't think it's abnormal, I think that is a common thing. I'm not gonna ask you, you're dead inside.

The booth, everyone in the booth, do you wake up and go, no one likes me, I don't have a reason to like me? I don't wake up like that, no. Sometimes. Sometimes? Because you're an artist is always dead inside I mean he oh yeah I don't even hear any speak copy that any please chime in I mean I was just gonna say yeah I mean I do but it's not any different than like when I go to bed or any other time yeah I just feel

like that but that's not like a bad thing to me I should you feel like do you feel like do you ever feel any Do you ever feel like you're wasting your life? Do I feel like I'm wasting my life? Do you ever wake up and go, what am I fucking doing anyway? Like what am I doing? Because I feel like that sometimes. And that's one of the reasons,

one of the things that alcohol cures is you go, hey man, it's all good. It really takes the fucking hum out of the things that alcohol cures is you go, hey man, it's all good. It really takes the fucking hum out of the fucking speakers. But wait a minute, don't you feel like that that is just a fleeting thing that alcohol's providing in that moment? Yeah. Because it doesn't actually cure.

No, it doesn't cure it, but it feels so good. Oh, okay. It feels so good. The Band-Aid feels good. Listen, Andy, I didn't hear your answer. I'm so sorry, I don't like interrupting people. Go ahead. No, that's good, man.

I was gonna say, I only know what I'm doing because I'm trying to buy my mom a house at some point, so that's really my goal in my life. So the closer I get to that, then that's where I'm at. But as soon as I do that, yeah. I mean, what the fuck am I doing after that? How much money do you need to, start to co-fund me for your mom's house? No, we will not do that yeah I mean what the fuck am I doing after that how much money do you need to start a co-fund me for your mom's we will not do that I'm gonna end

up having to pay for it and now fucking charities work that's an awesome goal to have it's an awesome goal any and that's a house our goal and that and I think sometimes if you have purpose you can find the thing in your life I think I have purpose but I just know that like, I know that this is the fucked up thing and I hope this lands with everyone, but like, the joy of sobriety takes a minute. It's not immediate. Like if you quit drinking, if I quit drinking tonight,

like I have to quit drinking, tonight will be my last drink when we get on the bus. For the week, probably for two weeks. I won't drink for two weeks. Okay. I know for a fact, the joy doesn't show up tomorrow. I gotta wait for it. The joy?

Yeah. When, how long does it take to show up? Two days. Oh. Two days, I need a second day and I will be smoking weed. Okay, but okay But does it's not sober like I'm not fucking stupid right, but

Don't you ever feel like like the way you say things? It's like doesn't any of this register in your brain what you're saying like doesn't know Like it's what's beautiful about me is I don't think before I speak. No, I don't mean to think before you speak I just mean listen to what you're saying. I'm going for another four milligrams. Yeah, do it. I love fucking miffing. But don't you feel like going,

why don't I extend this joy? No, I have, I have. Yeah? But I like the, I like the spark. Yeah, the spark. Let me see some of those hot sauces. Yeah, let's doctor up a cocktail with some beet. Let me see what you have here though

I want to see I'm going Dustin Poirier. I buddy the other ones just not a sponsor. I Don't know Elijah's habanero not gonna do that. I'll be shitting on the plane. What's that one crazy yeti sauce? Dustin Poirier's sauces are really flavorful And by the way, I have said is not a sponsor Dustin sponsor. Dustin Poirier is not, he just sends them to us, he's a cool dude. But these are great fucking hot sauce. They're very flavorful. Can I see?

Here, go this one. This one? I'm gonna do a bone broth vodka cocktail. What do you think about that? I'm just doing hot sauce. Can I tell you, it's called a skinny margarita. Skinny, skinny. Bloody Mary.

You know what I mean. Yeah. Piping hot, it's like a hot toddy. With a little bit of dust and portier. I'm gonna go with this one. That's all over my hands. Feel like I just jerked off a dead dude. Do you have anything?

I need something. I listened to a podcast where it's called Shitface Sober. Right, have you ever heard it? Shitface Sober? It's pretty good. But it starts off with, hey, why are you standing sober today? Is it like, it's sober guys? It's ones, I think they must both be sober.

Yeah. But it's a good podcast. I listen to it, I guys? It's one, I think they must both be sober. Yeah. But it's a good podcast. I listen to it, I just listened to the beginning, their intro of why that guy's staying sober. That guy's life was out of fucking control. Well yeah, that's a good reason to get sober. But it's like, I told you this the other night, James Corden, Corbin?

Yeah. Corbin? Yeah, the late night guy. The late night guy? He was like, why don't you drink? And he was like, well I why just I'm gonna do his accent. So it sounds as silly as I heard it Well, I just realized one day that how much am I borrowing from tomorrow? Hmm and I don't want to borrow from tomorrow

And I thought bitch how fucked up are you getting? You can't just get up and get your shit done? And what the fuck's wrong with you? Well, he's an addict, that's what he's trying to say. Then don't be that guy. Well, that's what he's saying, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't wanna hear it, though. Keep it to yourself.

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Like, because there are dudes, there are motherfuckers every single day that get up and fucking shave and Put their shit in have a cup of coffee. Don't want to fucking Lucy get in their truck and they fucking load bricks Yeah, fuck you. I don't want to hear your shit. You don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it, man I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want your soft sobriety I like hard sobriety like like when you hear dudes are like, oh man, I'm sound like a fucking lunatic again Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like I don't want to hear like I like

like when you When you think about Robert Downey Jr. So bright is so good. I'm trying it with vodka. I Bet it's gonna be so good. I wish Dustin Poirier's number fucking a that's good That is I gotta say. Mother. So good. Fucker, bone broth and vodka with a little Dustin Poirier in it.

Yeah. Now you got me, I was drinking bone broth but you got me into. I'm obsessed with it. Spicing it up. I'm obsessed with it. Yeah. I'm obsessed with it.

I think, that's my thing Tommy. I love getting obsessed with things. Yeah. Like the French Revolution, I get obsessed with it. You use that word very loosely though. Obsessed? Yeah. Or French Revolution.

Obsessed, you say obsessed a lot. I love getting obsessed with something. I love having a thing. If you don't have a thing, what the fuck are you living your life for? If you're sitting there, and that's what I say about any, like what's your thing? Because any looks like a guy that just eats pizza

and plays pool, right? But then to know that his thing is, I wanna buy my mom a house, that's your thing. If you don't have a fucking thing, what the fuck is this world about? If you're just living life, just scrolling Instagram. Now that is a waste of life, I agree. It's a waste of fucking life, man.

Like find a thing, like you know, I'm taking nine months off after I shoot my special. I'm taking nine months off But I can't just take nine months off and just sit in my backyard Well, no, I won't and Leanne has a problem with it because she's like What are we gonna do and I go? Well, what am I gonna do? Like I mean this would with love to her, is like, what's your thing, what's my thing? Like, I kinda wanna take a fucking boat from LA to Hawaii. That's awesome. I wanna feel the fear of the open ocean.

That's awesome. I wanna feel the fear of a storm coming in and knowing I'm not in control. That's, yeah, that's fucking amazing. You should do that. I wanna do it so fucking bad. What size boat would you do it on? Shout out to, I only know this because Nathan Florence, his brother John Florence,

John John Florence has a gunboat, 66 foot gunboat. I'd like to do it in gunboat. I'd like to be a little comfortable in that. I don't wanna do it in like a raa, raa. I would love to do it in a gunboat. I'd love to make time and get there. And then I'd like to live in Hawaii for a fucking month and hike and disappear.

Dude, this is all possible. Will you look up how long does it take to get from Los Angeles to Hawaii by boat? It's like 14 days, I think. I'm just curious, I don't know. It's gotta be 14 days. Yeah. But like, I can't live life without a thing.

I know this is gonna sound promotional, right? But like. Two to three weeks to sail. High performance boats are able to reach it within a week. They're likely to sail a different, more challenging route at an average sailing speed of four knots, which is usually, it'll take 14 days. Wow.

I look at, you know. It's fucking awesome. I mean this in all sincerity. Yeah. Sometimes I look at like, when I'm, I take a jog before my show outdoors. Yeah. When I see guys getting ready for my show

and they'll be at like a bar and they'll have a pre-cocktails. I get jealous of them that they have a thing, that they have a thing that they get to go to. So I have things, but I don't get to go to them because I'm working. Yeah. And I love the idea of having a thing.

Well, you can go to a lot of things when you're nine months off. You could be the person going to things. I've already planned it. I want to see widespread panic in St. Augustine in March. I want to see widespread, I think you're in St. Augustine in March, in March 23rd?

No, I'm in St. Augustine. It's already happened. Yeah, it's already happened. But like, I like having a thing. I think that's what life's about, is finding your thing. Yeah, it's about finding community and finding something that gives you fulfillment, passion, excitement.

I mean, it can be anything. It can be, you know, people have discovered that their thing is pickleball, right? And like... It takes so many lives. So many people have died from pickleball. Really? For real, Matthew Perry.

He died from pickleball. Do you think so? I think so. But I know, all I know is a lot of, yeah, I talked to a dude on a fucking call the other day, and by the way, I'm being serious and I am being serious. I've talked to some people that are out of shape that play pickleball that find out

they're having heart attacks. So many people. Because it's dialed down tennis. Yeah, it's exertion. You don't realize it's exertion. Somebody who's like, I can't play tennis, and they're like, well, you're a superstar. And you don't realize you're fucking

getting your heart rate up. Yo, see a doctor before you play pickleball Yeah, it's fucking dangerous Yeah, I mean this Cocktail, it's good. I'm fucking Fucking piping hot. I'm wearing the same outfit on the plane. I took care. I don't need it. No, okay, just say it's come Or

I love you so much man. I Ugh. Or, ugh. I love you so much, man. I love you too, man. It's crazy. It's been fun. Like, you're one of my things. I'm one of your things? Yeah. It's cool.

You are. It's fun having, like, say, okay. Friends are things? Friends are definitely things. Yeah. Right? I don't know, I never thought of it that way, but I guess you could be like,

one of my things is to hang out with this friend. Or even to see this succeed. Yeah. Like Rogan's one of my things. Yeah. Because I was a fan of his before it started. Yes. You know what it is?

It comes back to us growing up in Florida and not having civic pride. Like we didn't have civic pride. We weren't our kids from Boston or New York. So we weren't Yankees fans. Our dad wasn't Yankees or New York. So we weren't Yankees fans. Our dad wasn't Yankees fans. Our grandfathers weren't Yankees fans. And every time I would tell somebody my places of origin,

they'd always be like, oh. Yeah. I remember you claiming Cincinnati a couple times, and I was like, stop it. Well, I mean, it's like, people, sometimes you don't wanna give somebody the full story, and sometimes they're like, what's the story? Right?

So like, I would always claim Florida, because that's where I lived last. And that's where my family stayed. But if they were like, where were you born? I go Cincinnati. They're like, so you're from there? I'm like, well I left when I was a kid and then they go, and you moved to Florida?

I go, no, I moved to Minneapolis. And they're like, oh, so you're from Minneapolis? I'm like, well then we moved to Milwaukee. And they're like, wait, where do you live? I'm like, where did you fucking? Where did your dad grow up? Louisville. For real?

Yeah. Do you feel a stake in Louisville. For real? Yeah. Do you feel a stake in Louisville? No, I mean, I used to go, because Cincinnati's very close. So we would go to visit his parents, my grandparents, when I was a kid. We would go to Louisville. Oh, yeah, yeah, they are close. My parents, my dad's from Levittown.

I'm going to tell you my favorite, one of my favorite dad stories. It was the first stop on, I may have told you this already. Oh no, tell me again. It was the first stop on the last tour. So the last tour, I'm coming everywhere. There's a city, it's across the border from, so there's Louisville, Kentucky,

and I think it's either Elizabeth, Indiana, or Evansville, Indiana. It's like, Evansville. Close to Louisville. So it's the first stop. And my parents meet me there because it's a casino. And my mom loves the casinos. And my dad's there.

My uncle and aunt who live in Cincinnati come. And my whole tour crew, the whole crew is there, and the comedians. So it's like first night and we get, they give us this long table at the restaurant. My dad's sitting across from me here and he looks down a few times at the end of the table is Marcus, who works security, who's a black guy. And Marcus is great and did the whole tour with me. And so at one point, he's like,

where are you, my dad's like, you guys flew into Louisville today? And I go, yeah. He's like, yeah. I go, yeah. He's like, hold on a second. And I see him stand up and I go, where are you going? He's like, just one second.

And I watch him walk down the table and he leans on the table, and he looks at Marcus, and he's like, you landed in Louisville today? And Marcus is like, yes, I did. He's like, did you notice when you were approaching the airport, that little red building on the left? And everyone's like, the fuck, no. Like, what?

And Marcus is like, I think I missed that. And he's like, in 1962, I saw a gentleman named Cassius Clay fight there. You may know him by his name, Mohammed Ali. And Marcus is like, oh, yeah. And my dad's like like just thought you'd like to know that and then he came back sat down I was like did you tell him that for and I turned a look at Marcus and Marcus is cool he's like basically like you're black you want to hear about another black guy?

I do that all the time. My dad also did it to every Asian we ever interacted with ever. Every Asian ever. Somebody he'd be like where's your family from and they'd be like China. He's like Mao was something else. And he would just tell them some fucking history about Mao or the Koreans. And if you told him he was Vietnamese,

they would fucking shut the shit down. How close to your accent of your dad is your accent of your dad? When I do him, I do him perfectly. Really? Yeah, that's exact. Like, you cannot distinguish the two. I don't know if I do my dad right.

That's a great- My dad, your mother and I are excited about this chapter. I was like, okay. I love retirement, we're gonna see the country. I'm like, this sounds fucking terrible. And then my mom was like, what are we doing? We didn't run it by her. He's like, we'll get in an RV and dry. She's like, I hate this idea.

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at bluenile.com. Bluenile.com. Wade, I know this is probably not great podcast material, but how did your parents meet? It's fucking crazy. He actually, when he met her at, he met her officially at his best friend's wedding. His best friend married my mom's sister. And when he was at the wedding and he met her at the, like the pre-wedding dinner, he remembered that he hit on her at a bar the year before. For real? She was visiting her sister

I would love to see a picture of Charo Young. I Bet she was a fucking smoke show. She was very she was very attractive. She was very pretty. I bet she was a fucking smoke show. Yeah, I fucking The Charo was very do we have any pictures of her? Yeah, I don't know if anyone if we have them here I'll start sending you pictures of my mom. But he said, she told me that, she goes, I'm at the wedding and I'm using the bathroom

and I walk out and she goes, and your father's there. And he like smiles and says something. But she didn't speak like any English. So she's like, what did he say to her friend in Spanish? And the friend translates. And then my mom's like, ah, thanks. And I'm like, well, what did he say? He goes, I guess you're like the queen of the toilet

or something like. Like how's the queen of the bathroom doing? Like that was his pickup line and she was like, ugh. And so she completely dismissed him. But he just like kept pursuing her. Text your mom, I wanna see pictures of your mom young. Text her right now? I'm dying to see, I have pictures of my mom young.

It looks totally different than her today. All right. picture of my mom young okay it looks totally different than her today all right I bet your mom was fucking bikini ready let's see it's crazy your mom's life experience has got to be insane come from Peru and then go to Cincinnati that's wild that's like being married to an NFL star and going, we're going to wherever the fuck the winds take us, you know? Yeah, yeah. God, this fucking, this cocktail's pretty good. Oh, you're Korean?

Kim Jong-il is a bad guy. Where was your dad's accent was like? That's very like Midwestern kind of neutral. And then he had hints of Southern stuff because like Louisville is, it's Kentucky, but it's on the Midwest kind of border. So he had weird pronunciations of things. Did you think about your dad dying a lot?

Did I think about him dying a lot? Did you think about the day he passed? Did you think about like, I'm gonna lose my dad one day. Did you think, I think about it all the time. I mean, I thought way more the time before when he was at the Mayo Clinic and he coded and like, they were like, he's gonna die. That's when I actually, I feel like that hit me like,

oh, he's dead. And then we got two years after that. That's cool. That was cool. I knew he was gonna die. That's the thing about life, Tommy, is that you're not promised tomorrow. No. And I think there's this fucking arrogance of immortality

where people believe they'll just live forever and you don't. There's so many people that we've known that have died. I'm not talking about comics, I'm talking about dudes I grew up with that died. There was a kid in our first grade yearbook, Adam Newman, who died, he was in like third grade, and they dedicated the yearbook to him,

and I keep thinking about this one fucking kid, because I go, he would be 53, he would have lived a full life, and he never got to do that. It's crazy. It's this arrogance of immortality that I think everyone has and it's crazy. You don't appreciate it until you're a little older.

Like Richard Lewis passed away. I know this is very late to say this, but Richard Lewis passed away. Yeah. And... Also cancer, right? Was it cancer? No, heart attack I think in the middle of the night.

He didn't have cancer? I think he was, he had Parkinson's. I think that's the problem with Coke night. He didn't have cancer? I think he had Parkinson's. I think that's the problem with Coke. This is me speaking out of my ass right now, everyone. But don't do Coke. Don't do Coke. Oh, you're right. Coke fucks you up.

Don't do Coke. There's no good to it. Adderall, all the shit you're thinking that'll keep you awake and make... You pay the tax later in life Yeah, Richard Lewis Everyone that does coke gets Parkinson's it seems like really that's sort of what it seems like to me I'm sure that they're gonna be like, you know, Lucy's don't aren't the best thing for you. We'll find out

We'll find out I'm cool with that tax but like I'm cool with you know, I had to deal with the Wendy Williams tax. What do you mean? Wendy Williams has got aphasia. What's that again? Bruce Willis' disease. Oh, that's like early onset dementia. And it's from alcoholism, is what they're saying, but I really think it's coke.

I know, I don't know, allegedly I believe, oh, I can say I believe, but like, Wendy Williams, I believe, why can't I say I believe? But like, Wendy Williams I think partied pretty fucking hard. I don't know. I think it's Xanax. All the stuff that the doctors prescribe you to do, they fuck your head up. So like, I don't know, like I started like,

I'm horrible at names and sometimes I say sentences that don't make sense. And I go, I wonder if that's aphasia kicking in. Oh, I hope not. I hope not either. Do you know that like my best friend from high school, Steve, did you ever meet Steve, Big Head Steve, watermelon hair?

Cancer dude. Yeah, did you meet him? No, I never met him. Dude, that was like, I'm trying to remember the exact year. It was probably like 20... Maybe like 18 around there. Where he came to see me at the Palm Beach Improv. Yeah.

And I remember he was waiting outside. He was a big dude, you know, he's like 6'2", maybe 6'3". He was big, like 2'75". But he came in, he was like sweating so much. I was like, six, two, maybe six, three. He was big, like 275. But he came in, he was like sweating so much. I was like, is it that hot? I mean, it could be, it's Florida. I'm like, god damn. He was like, yeah, just uncomfortable.

And then we hung out, we went to this bar after the show, and then we walked back to the hotel, which was like a 15 minute walk. Yeah. He was fucking winded. I was like, bro, you gotta like, you gotta get it. Yeah, but you're that guy.

Yeah, but I mean, I'm saying it's a 15 minute walk. I'm like, you're fucking. Winded from a 15 minute walk, yeah. Not uphill, it's just a walk. You're winded and you're sweating, like, let's go, right? Like, this is a little much. And then he's like, yeah, so, say goodbye. And then the next morning, my friend,

another friend from high school was like, did you hear about Steve? Like, I'm so sorry, I'm like, what? She's like, you don't know? I'm like, no, no, no, what? Like, I thought she was gonna be like, there was a car accident or something. She's like, he was, they were going home,

because him and his wife were together, they came to the show and hung out. She was like, I don't like how you're breathing, I don't like that you look like this. We were stopping at the emergency room. Jesus. And he didn't want to. I mean, he never wanted to.

Dude, they do just like a quick x-ray scan They keep them they're like you have tumors all over your your lung and you have stage four like advanced Cancer and then when I went to visit him they were like You know, you know you can see it in people's eyes. All right, the doctors are like And then when I went to visit him, they were like, you know, you can see it in people's eyes, right? The doctors are like, yeah, this is not good.

And he was like, oh, I'm gonna beat this, I'm gonna beat this thing. I was like, okay. And he did. It's fucking crazy. I love hearing those stories. Thank God that story ended this way. Yeah, it's crazy.

He's been in remission for years now. Rosario Dawson's dad beat pancreatic cancer. Really? Yeah. Sorry, Rosario, if I'm sharing your story inside of school. But I think it's cool. I think you want to give hope. But the thing about

those stories is you wanna share those stories and you wanna hear the victory. You know the other crazy thing is like, I was watching, this is like the reason you don't talk shit about people online, right? Yeah. So I was watching, I'm gonna fuck this up, I'm so sorry, I know that I should know your name, but

Jess who's on the Breakfast Club? She does a she does a breakfast club. She's one of the one of the co-hosts. Can you pull up Jess? Just hilarious. Yeah, okay. She shit on Chadwick Bozeman she shit on himwick Boseman. She shit on him? When he was skinny and he was dying of cancer. Not knowing. Not knowing.

And then she did this like me a cope of like, I didn't, like I was just trying to be funny. I really regret this. And you're like, yeah, that is the weird thing is like, you see something quick like Amy Schumer pops up and they're like, her face is bloated and everyone starts trashing her. And then she's like, yo, I have a disease.

It's such an interesting thing of like, it's the arrogance of immortality of like people going. Norm too, by the way, Norm. Norm got real bloated and you're like, God, he's just gaining weight and it it was the steroids that he was taking. And you think of all the people that just shit on him and just try to cancel him. Yeah. And then they're like.

No, but the appearance thing is a real one where you go, look how skinny or look how big this person's gotten. Yeah. And then you learn, oh, they're battling a disease. But we all make, I'm not immune. I wouldn't know. I've done it. I'm certain I have. I don't know that I have. I can't tell you a disease. But like we all make, I'm not immune. I wouldn't know. I've done it, I'm certain I have.

I don't know that I have. I can't tell you a pinpoint it. But I'm certain I have. But it's crazy like that's what social media has become. It brings me back to the French Revolution. Yeah, tell me about it. Oh, they have a photo of young Charo. Oh, bring it up immediately.

What do you have? Is it a good one? All right. How young? Smash or pass, here we go. Oh, Jesus. Go ahead, pull it up. Pull it up.

Oh, yeah. Pull it up. That's an old coat. Ready? Yeah. Where is she? She's the one leaning forward on the couch. It's a tough to see.

Whoa, with the long hair? With... Which one? They're all leaning forward. By the way, they're all smashes. That's uh. Which one? They're all leaning forward, probably they're all, they're all smashes. That's her. Wait, that's, that's my mom. You wanna know something interesting?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's break this apart. Can I tell you why I love this photo? Hold on, I can, yeah. Well, let me tell you, you tell me what you love about the photo, and I'll tell you what I love about the photo. Okay, so that's- God damn it.

My mom is smiling at her sister who's on the ground, Blanca, my Aunt Blanca right there. She's beautiful. She's fucking beautiful. Yeah, they're beautiful, but my mom's best friend, who like was part of my childhood a lot, and like her best best friend is also named Charo.

Her name is Charo Figari, and Charo Figari like loved my mom. Like, you know, just like, they're just such good friends. And look at the way Charo Figari is admiring my mom. She's like, it looks like she's just like, you know what I mean? It's like such a, it's a moment where you can tell, oh yeah, that's her best friend.

Just watching her talk. Great legs on your mom. Thanks. Great legs on your mom. Thanks. Great arms on your mom. A nice rack and it's natural I'm guessing. Because she's from a third world country. Yes. Yeah.

Wow. And she spoke Spanish. They're really tucked away. I'll send you some pictures of her tits later. Look at your mom's friend group. Your dad must have been like, Hey guys. Hey guys, they don't speak English.

Yeah. God damn it. That's a hot group of bitches. As you can tell, they embraced the sun back then. They definitely did. Like my mom's complexion naturally would be like her sister on the ground, but my mom just lived at the beach

and like they would just put like oil on bodies like just lay in the Sun for like has your mom and legs. Yeah, you didn't know that Wait, there's somebody into it. She's blocking. Oh this was like wait. Did you mom have three legs? Yeah, god damn it And they're all smoking which is awesome, too. Yeah, I love it. That's fucking so hot. Third world women in America in the 70s and 80s that were like, this is brand new to us. Imagine the freedoms we have. Fuck.

By the way, your mom's sister is gorgeous. Yeah, Blanca's very beautiful too. Your mom's beautiful. Her best friend is so fucking hot. So fucking hot. I saw her tits once. For real? Yeah, it was fucking terrifying though. Good?

No, I was just like, I was like 13 and she was staying at our house visiting and I just rounded the corner and she walked out naked and I was like, ah! She screamed and I screamed, yeah. It was, and I just rounded the corner, and she walked out naked, and I was like, ah! She screamed and I screamed, yeah. It was fucking terrible. Like, how do they, what do they look like?

Big, big tits. Really? Yeah. You can't tell from the photo, but they're big, yeah. And also, I saw her as like an older woman. You know, they weren't- How old though? Wait, what, 40? No, older than that. Wait, how old is she in that picture?

This picture I'm imagining is from the With black and white I know but I think it's probably in the 70s like the probably the early to mid 70s God everyone's beautiful when they're young Yeah, that's when you know, it's something I've been saying. I don't want to get too into the weeds on this but like There's there's an arrogance with youth also, that they think they created it. Like you look at like these chicks on Instagram, and you think they think they're the first hot chick to show up, or the first hot chick.

You know, I'll put it this way. So like when Jason Kelsey took his shirt off, everyone was like, are you bothered that he took your shirt off? I was like, I'm not like when Jason Kelsey took his shirt off, everyone was like, are you bothered that he took your shirt off? I was like, I'm not the first guy that took his shirt off. Like that's not my fucking thing. Like it is my thing a little bit, but I'm not the first guy that created it.

But there is this arrogance that comes along with, we were talking about it earlier, of like thinking you're the guy that is the thing. You're these hot chicks on Instagram think they're the thing that is the thing. I redefine the internet. You forget Cindy Margolis. Do you know who Cindy Margolis is?

Yeah, why is that? Cindy Margolis, type it in. The most downloaded woman on the internet. She probably looks like a fucking shoe today. But she was even, go to her today. By the way, is that what she looks like today? Yeah, I think.

Cindy Marcos looks fucking awesome. Yeah, she looks like a shoe. Yeah, she looks fucking awesome. She looks great. She looks fucking awesome. Yeah. Holy shit, she lives at a mansion? Okay.

But like, you forget that there's the chicks before you. You know? Carmen Electra Jenna Jameson. Yeah, all these hot chicks think they're the one she dead. No. No, she had a fucking really bad health scare She didn't die. She couldn't walk Jenna Jameson didn't die. No, she's alive. Okay type in is Jenna Jameson alive Married lives in Hawaii. I think two kids can a lot of women in the world who are like, I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this.

I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. She liked being on camera. Dude, I can tell you distinctly the moment I was like, that's different than everyone else.

There's a lot of porn stars that like, they're into it. Some of them are just paying the bills and you can tell those ones. Do you think that happens with comics? Yeah. Where people go, they're just earning a, you definitely can. Yes, 100%.

They're just getting a paycheck. 100% and usually You can tell that like it's the person who kind of just need to go. I need to switch over to Vodka soda okay, poroso soda do we have soda in here? Yes, we do. Yeah, yeah, can I get some ice? Yeah There's a do you think your mom would have made a good porn star? No your mom was fucking hot I don't think she'd be good at your mom was fucking hot. Thanks. Do you think do you think you got like your sisters are attractive? Right. Yeah, sure With the comedians I'm switching the topic

That collect a paycheck you can tell Because they put together an act and then they never change their act. They do the- Oh, that's not the thing I was thinking. I was thinking of the ones that you see do a special but they haven't really prepared for it. Oh, you see that too. That's my hour.

I just wrote an hour. There's different versions of what we're talking about. Yeah. But one of them is I just do this, that's who I am, and they just never evolve. Which I think sucks because it's like, the whole thing is keep growing, keep trying things, keep doing different things.

What you're talking about is kind of a laziness. A laziness of like, look, I put this together, I did a few shows, I'm just gonna shoot it. And there's definitely those people, yeah. I have a new bit I'm working on that I haven't figured out. I think you saw it. And it's like, if you're not challenging yourself to do something different, what are you doing in life?

I think this goes back to fucking anybody buying a house for his mom. If you don't have a thing you're going for, this is like not a self-help podcast, but like find your thing you're going for. Yeah, you have to have goals, challenges. You know my buddy, Tom Hayslip? Do I know him?

Yeah, Asian dude. Yeah. Makes all the movies. I keep his name in, because it's important for this story. Because I think he deserves a credit. We were sitting in Clearwater Beach, but we brought our families down to Clearwater and we were hanging out, just me and him, having cocktails in the water and he was talking about his life and he was succeeding so big. Now he is one of the biggest movie producers in the world but at the

same time we're at the same level like making money and I was like, I wish I could be more like you and he really quickly assessed me and he said, your problem is you're spending the same level, like making money. And I was like, I wish I could be more like you. And he really quickly assessed me and he said, your problem is you're spending too many plates, you don't have any goals. You're just like, I want this, I want all of it. He goes, find your goals. He goes like, very quickly he goes, I wanted a house in Atlanta,

cause I was making a movie there. So I just thought, how do I get that house in Atlanta? I know I gotta make this much money. I know how I make this much money because my goals are very simple It's a beautiful thing in life. Is that if your life's a little more simple like Tom You can find your goals and achieve them and go like any said I want to buy a house for my mom that that's so beautiful as opposed to someone like I'm trying to think of a name like Joe Liss mark Norman who or Sam Morell who want to someone like, I'm trying to think of a name, like Joe List, Mark Norman, or Sam Morell, who want to be like movie stars,

or I don't know what they want, you know what I mean? But like, their goal's sometimes gonna be way too big, and then you can't focus on that goal because it's out of your reach, you can't like attain it. If you're a regular person, you can find small goals that are attainable, and then your life gets so much happier. Well, yeah, I mean, what you're talking about

is just having... What'd I say, what'd I say? I fuck up, I heard them laugh. Go ahead. It's funny you're saying, buying a house is a small goal. That's kinda huge to me, man. No, it's a big goal, but it's not for everyone, right?

Yeah, sure, no. No, no. But no, buying a house for your mom is a big goal. That's a second goal. Like that's like, buying a house is a big goal. I remember how hard it was to buy a house. I remember thinking, how do people have houses? I remember going to people's houses and going,

how did you get a house? This is crazy. For us, it happens different. You have to realize we're talking in a rarefied air of like, all of a sudden one day we make money. You don't make no money and then one day you make money. And then all of a sudden you're like, oh I can buy a house now.

So like we don't have, it's hard for us to relate to like the everyday earning a paycheck because we don't have that. We make $500 as a host for a weekend, $700 as a feature, $1,500 as a host for a weekend, $700 as a feature, $1,500 as a headliner, and then one day you pop and you make a million dollars, and you're like, fuck, I guess I can buy a house.

Like, I never understood how anyone bought a house. Like, that blew me away. Yeah, but I think the good point you make is that, like, this is why people do, like, vision boards and all this stuff, is that you you have to like, for some people it's really important to visualize and don't forget to stay focused on the goal. That's why it's great to have an identified goal.

Like if him, like any saying, saying it, my goal is to buy a house for my mom, is great to articulate because it's like, it makes it, it reiterates it to him, but also to his world. And then you know this is the objective, is to get to this. Because then you can also get,

like you can get distracted, right? You can get distracted like, hey, what about like, you wanna go to Fiji on this thing? And you're like, well yeah, but wait a minute, my goal is this. So it keeps you on your path towards your goal. Yeah. And staying on the path is a really hard thing for people.

What are your goals? I mean, I have different ones, you know? Like, some of them are coming together right now. I really wanted to do this show that like, remember I shot that pilot? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they ordered it, so I get to do that. That was a big goal of mine.

It was a really great goal. Yeah, there's a couple things I really wanted to do in the producing space that are coming together right now. Really? Yeah, and those are things that I've been, I mean, to be totally honest with you, those are 20 year goals. Those are things I wanted to do.

Really? Yeah, I always wanted to do those things. And so those are career goals. I think there's, I have like family goals, like things that I really want to, you know, have happen like. They're like. But what are some goals you have with your boys?

For me, it's just like spending quality time with them. No, but quantify it. I had a buddy Hutch who I lived with in college. I love this guy to death. I mean this with love. One of the most simplest dudes I've ever known in my life. Yeah. Like very simple and like, yo.

He introduced me to Kool-Aid. Yeah. He did. He was like, dude, best thing in the world, gallon of Kool-Aid before you go to bed. I was like, done, done. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world.

He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. He used to be the coolest guy in the world. could sell a ketchup popsicle to an Eskimo. Like fucking solid dude across the board,

but very simple and like what he wants out of life. It was like fucking hang out with my wife, Ange. Fucking party with my boys, I wanna go surf with my boys, have a cold beer with my boys, right? Like these are like, that's Hutch. And it's so simple to put that in. Every year, I don't know if Hutch did this

and I took it from him, but every year I would do goals on my birthday. I have dinner by myself and I have to do goals. However many years I am old, I write those goals out. And I think of Hutch every time I do that because one of his goals was surfing with his sons in Costa Rica. And I was like, yeah, that would be bad fucking ass,

but it's not something, like you said, you don't put it in your vision board. Sometimes if you don't think about it, you're not doing it. Like, and he said, buy a house for his mom. If you drive toward it, then you do it. And then when you do it, you have that memory forever. And it's such a cool fucking thing. So I put this on you.

What are goals you wanna do with your boys? Do you wanna kill an animal with them? No, I don't really have that in mind. I mean, I say, they're young, but they have, there's passions that you already see evolving with them. So my youngest is obsessed with cars. And so that's a fun thing because I'm into it too. And so we're gonna go to a car factory together.

That's a fun thing that I'm excited about. I try to take my kids, expose my kids to all these different things, right? Like with sports. Man, I was so excited, because I just thought they would be like me and love football, like I did with my dad. And they're like, football is the worst thing ever.

For real? They say it, they go, can we do a thing where we never watch football again? No. They hate football, football is the worst thing ever. For real? They say it. They go, can we do a thing where we never watch football again? No. They hate football, right? And I'm like, this is crazy. I'm wearing a Buffalo Bills hat.

I have, dude, I'm like, I have two gay sons. This is crazy. But, but you know, I tried to Fucking wait, what the fuck? Expose them. We've done tennis lessons. They played soccer. They played flag football. All these things, and they're like, all right, and then one day, we go to Jiu Jitsu, and they're like,

this is the fucking greatest thing ever. They love it. So you just go like, all right, embrace that, celebrate, you know, so we're going to Jiu Jitsu a fucking few times a week, and they love it. I was a bad dad, I was a bad dad. You were a bad dad? Yeah.

What do you mean? I was obsessed with dad, I was a bad dad. You were a bad dad? Yeah. What do you mean? I was obsessed with baseball and softball and my daughters had beautiful swings, beautiful swings. Beautiful swings, they had beautiful swings. Yeah. And I, and George had quit softball. Yeah.

And it fucked me up and it was the beginning of the end of like our first, like of the daddy daughter fun times. That was the very beginning of the end of it. We rebuilt it, but that was, I can tell you where I was on the street. I can tell you what street I was on when it started. I can tell you when that fight started.

And that was the beginning of the end. Leann can tell you what street it was too. It was in front of a 7-eleven and I fucking melted down because they wanted to give up softball and it fucked me up because I was like yo this is what you do. This is what we do. I couldn't be that guy that I just couldn't. I fucked it up. I fucked it up It's fun to see that you did you you know that your kids didn't like football I would push back I'd be like no Like I still push back with my daughters. They just get like they're like cuz I still I I still watch it Yeah, cuz you're not gay, right? So I go they're like what the walk of the one they'll be like, oh god football and I'm like, yeah

And they're like, come on sound like my fucking daughters and then and then all sudden the game will get good at the end Yeah, and I'll go this is why we watch the whole fucking game This is why we watched the whole fucking game. Look at Baker Mayfield. Your dad knows that guy Fuck. Yeah, they're not into it. It's crazy. I wonder what my dad would say Wonder where he thinks he failed You tell that I'm drunk I mean In my emotion you're in your emotion a little bit. Yeah, but you're not like a mess. No, not at all I'm never a mess. Okay, I'm never a mess. I always have it together. Okay, I do

I'm different a mess. I always have it together. Okay, I do I'm different than everyone else. Oh, so that's that's part of the program. Yeah Can I tell you the best thing about starting a vodka? Yes, no one will ever tell me to quit drinking that's Nope Nope There you go. The best part of last night is everyone was like, another drink? I was like, sure. Yeah, I have to.

It's my job. And Leanne, half of our money is in this company. Let's go positive to end this show. How do we go positive? I think this is, look, here's the thing about this podcast is that I think we're breaking new boundaries in podcasting. I honestly believe this.

I think that when you see your favorite Buddy podcast, and there's some great ones. There are. McCusker, Gillis. Santino and Lee. Santino and Lee, Sam Rell and Mark Norman. Mark and List.

Mark and List, I mean, there's so many great Buddy podcasts. I think we are breaking new ground because we're older than them and we're in a different place in our lives. And I think that's what's cool about this podcast is that we go, we can talk about deep shit. And it just resonates with the people listening or it doesn't, or it doesn't.

But it's like, we've had things happen in our lives that they haven't had happen yet. It's like every dude that has a kid writes a joke about birth and then you're like, yeah, we all did that bitch. Like we were all there. We all did that. Yeah, yeah, of course.

These are universal things. Universal things. And I think we're at the forefront because we're that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. These are universal things. Universal things, and I think we're at the forefront because we're older. You're much older than I am, but here's the deal. How do we end on an old school comedy positive note so that our listeners go, that's why I love this fucking podcast? Well, I'll tell you something.

I'm thrilled that later this year, there will be a Christian back in the White House. I think we're gonna take this country back dude Okay with the policies that the forefathers intended should we plan a two bears live? Restorming the Capitol when he wins That'd be awesome. That would go viral. That would go viral.

Yeah, see the way he covers. And by the way, if he wins, you don't get in trouble for storming the Capitol. Do you wanna do a live podcast on election day in DC? More than anything in the world. We should see if that's possible. Let's do a live podcast in DC on election day. Yeah. It'll be right around my birthday. We'll throw a party the next day. We'll do a live podcast in DC on election day. Yeah.

It'll be right around my birthday. We'll throw a party the next day. We'll do a fucking theater together. Sure. That would be fucking awesome. Yeah. Who are you voting for? Is it gonna be Biden and Trump?

Well, here's the thing. This is a really fascinating election cycle where it feels like the Dems have to have a backup plan for the convention this summer, where they're gonna be like, look, it's official, he's going into this home. So here's our backup candidate. Like it feels like they gotta have that ready to go.

And then Trump, well I think he's extremely popular, and just objectively you don't see him losing an election. You do see every possible effort made to keep him, including states being like, we're not having his name on the ballot, and then the Supreme Court's weighing in on whether this is even, like that whole thing. So I think if he's on a ballot, I think he wins.

I think they're literally trying as hard as they can to keep him off a ballot. So literally, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, so like it's supposed to be the two of them. I just feel like it's more likely gonna be, I think they're gonna prop somebody else up for the Dems. They have, I mean, I mean this. I hope they do.

It's like, he just is out of it. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, not even, I don't mean like, my guy, he's my guy, I mean, it's embarrassing just to watch. I'm my guy, like, it's like, I look, I've voted Democrat my entire life. I'll say that out loud You see the thing about him saying thank you

Secretary booty juice I've seen a lot of clips. He just it's he's It's like I can't have a guy running What's going on with Oakland and like days no No And by the way, you look at Oakland, what's going on with Oakland, and like- The A's? No, no. They're stomping on cars and lighting them on fire and running other cars into them, and then you look at all the shit going on

in San Francisco, just crime. It's like, it's turning into a fucking, one of those, our country's turning into one of those worlds that you thought you only read about in books when we were in high school. It's crazy. And there's no respect, no fucking love. It's like we need someone to bring everyone together

and it's definitely not Joe Biden. Of course it's not. I mean I wish I could say that it was. I wish I could. You can't even pretend. Nobody can. No one can. You can't pretend. Even like no one can you can't pretend even like

People in his cabinet are like yeah, I think he's I mean Jimmy Carter would have a better run right now Yeah, right now right now. Yeah, right now Jimmy. You go. He's more together. Yeah, it's crazy more together Nancy It's crazy. Reagan's more together. Nancy. Yeah, no, it's. We need someone, we need someone who. We're supposed to end this on a positive note. No, let's end on a positive note. Who we vote for president right now. Oh Jesus, that's not a positive.

Joe Rogan. You'd vote for Joe. The Rock. Oprah? No. Let's go celebrity, it's gotta be a celebrity. Yeah, celebrities could win. They could win. It's gotta be a celebrity.

Politics are over everyone. It's over. Yeah. The idea of being Napoleon and being a great general and then everyone believes in you, that's what we need to go back to. Yeah. Of like being a general, polarizing the people,

bringing your guy. You're the guy that does the thing. We have no MacArthur's anymore, we have no fucking FDRs. We need a fucking great leader. So here's, it's gotta be a man, sorry. It's gotta be a man. Yeah, it's gotta be a man. I think it's gotta be, who, like, who are the movie stars of today?

And that's who you gotta pick from. You gotta pick from like, who are the top 10, you know what, Harrison Ford. Would be awesome. He'd be awesome. Harrison Ford would be great. Can we get him to run? 57, 57.

He's like, he's. Well, let's get top five movie stars. He's in his 70s, but that's okay. I'd take Harrison Ford any day. How old is he, 71? We're gonna take back this country. This is. Oh, he's 81, That's too old, man.

It's too old. He's 81? Yeah, it's too old. Tom Selleck, how old's Tom Selleck? He's definitely hardcore. Yeah. He might be the wrong guy. No, he's not.

He looks good. He's 79. Too old. God damn it. He's 79? Who are the top 10 grossing actors? Tom Cruise's. You know who it should be?

Who? How great would it be to have President Denzel Washington? That would be amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, we've announced it here on Two Bears, One Cave. Scarlett Johansson? Jesus Christ. Oh, she did all the- They're all end game.

They're all Avengers actors though. Okay, you need to do it like son's Avengers movies You know, I mean that that's to that's Yeah, yeah, I know but he's Scientology yeah Tom fucked himself Yeah, no who, but he's Scientologist. Yeah, Tom fucked himself. Yeah, no. Who is it without the Avengers? I mean, I wonder if that list,

yeah, they're all gonna be Avengers. They're all Avengers, that's so stupid. I know, it doesn't count. It doesn't count, actually. It really doesn't. I hate to say this, and I mean this, all respect, you're not a real movie star. No, no.

You're not. I mean, you're not. No, you're not. I understand that you think you are, but you're not. No, because they're not the star. The franchise is the star. The franchise is a star. I understand that.

The list, if you go to the list without Avengers being a factor, then you see who's a real draw. Like people are going to see this actor in the project. It's different than saying I was in this. It's like if I say I'm one of the top five comedians in the world and you go, yeah, but you only got there because of Tom and Rogan. It's not me.

Yeah, like Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks would be a great fucking president. He could probably get elected. We could get in the hold of Chet. Make it happen. Samuel L. Jackson's already been in a movie as president.

Chris Pratt can't be president. I actually think Tom Hanks could run for president if he wanted to. Bradley Cooper could not. You don't think so? No, I don't think so. I think Ford could have if he was 10 years younger. Harrison Ford. Tom Hanks is our only hope. He's polarizing now. It's really weird though. Why? What did he do? People have crazy shit. It's crazy

with it. People are polarized off of people we like. Yeah. Samuel L. Jackson is the largest Venra Oats. Once again, it's fucking. They're all Avengers. Yeah, I know. That's such a fucked up thing. I wonder if you can find a list that without that, you know? You gotta get rid of the fucking Avengers thing. That's stupid.

It's like they're great movies. We love you guys in them, but don't think that you're better than Meryl Streep. Okay. Bradley Cooper is, hang on, Bradley Cooper has to be it because he's the only one that's never been in an Avengers movie and he is one of the top grocery movie stars ever. Okay, here we go. This is the list.

All right. Robin Williams, he's not available. John, I think that would be a completely insane president. No, keep going Tom Cruise, no. be a completely insane president. No, keep going Tom Cruise. No, Eddie Murphy, hard pass. Tom Hanks. Fucking A.

Tom Hanks, let's start this. Back up again, back up to the search engine, like the back up one. And go to the top, scroll up, see if that list is. I think there's more people here. Yeah, there's The Rock who people, he's been approached to run. Yeah.

He'd be great, our health would be perfect. Chris Pratt, if he pivoted right now, because he's married to Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter. He's pretty openly a conservative. Yeah, he's Christian. He's Christian, like believes in God. Really does, which gets you a lot of votes in this country Anthony Davis for my Anthony Daniels my bad who Anthony Daniels fuck is Anthony Daniels? He's the guy with the wings. I

Think I see three PO from Star Wars. I don't know why he's on this list. It's insane. Oh cuz it's Star Wars Okay, well I Don't guys we like to support Vin Diesel as the next president of the United States of the United States Star Wars. Okay, well, I don't feel. Guys, we like to support Vin Diesel as the next president. Of the United States. Of the United States. You're getting our full endorsement, Mark Sinclair,

that's his real name. His name's Mark Sinclair? Yeah. President Sinclair, we hope you. Vin Diesel's name is Mark Sinclair. Yeah. You thought it was Vin Diesel? I thought it was Vin Diesel.

Wait, where is he from? Is he black? If he's not black, I'm going to lose my shit. Born in New York? Let's see. He's got to be black. He's got to be black. Please tell me he's black.

Yeah, he's half, half and half. Thank God. Oh, thank you, Vin Diesel, he's half, half and half. Thank God. Oh, thank you, Vin Diesel, for not being a total phony. But wait a minute. Where he's by his white mother and an adoptive African American father. Wait.

He is of ambiguous ethnicity. Oh, we'll take him. He has never met his biological father. He believes he's, whatever, connected to many different cultures. We can do 23andMe. Yeah, he's mixed. Oh, I'll take Vin Diesel as our president. We can do 23andMe. Yeah, he's mixed.

I'll take Vin Diesel as our president. I'll take Tom Hanks, Vin Diesel, Chris Pratt. And I'll tell you what, I think Tom Cruise would make a great president. I think he would. I think that Scientology is going to be a real big hurdle in this country. Nope, you just got to accept the Lord as a spaceship driver.

Do you mean the people have to? We just all have to just suck. Yeah, people aren't gonna do that here. They're real? No, this country's not ready for that. This country's not ready for a lot of things. That's right. Hey, God bless America.

I love you guys with all our heart. I hope you had a good podcast I hope you enjoyed it. I hope that This was a growing podcast They can't all be bangers everybody Sometimes one guy gets fucked up and gets in his emotions. It was fun. I actually really enjoyed today I enjoyed it. This is a lot of fun. I love you to death, buddy. I love you too, man I love you. I hope you find This was a lot of fun. I love you to death, buddy. I love you too, man. I love you too.

I hope you find someone to love as much as, I love Tommy. That's the goal of life. Hey, porosos. Porosos, make friends. Make friends. And drink some bone broth while you're at it. Mix them together.

Fuck. Shout out, kettle fire. All right, love you guys. Love you, man. Love you. Bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears the shirt. Tom tells Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the swat, the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.