2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Tom Shows Harland Williams His Chocolate Starfish | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

Check out the newest podcast from YMH Studios "Not A Damn Chance"! Hosted by pro skateboarder Neen Williams and Michelin-starred chef Phillip Frankland Lee SPONSORS: - Get started at https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off plus FREE shipping on your first box. - Make friends and grab some merch at https://www.drinkporosos.com/ This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert is on a retreat in Istanbul so Tom Segura is joined by the brilliantly bizarre Harland Williams for an unhinged episode packed with supposedly true stories, bootyholes, and too many farts. Harland kicks things off by reminiscing about fingering calamari and the first time someone touched his arse—with a thermometer. Tom shares the traumatic moment he had to show a friend his infamously hairy sphincter... and yes, he ends up showing Harland too. Surprisingly, the conversation spirals into absurd territory with erotic drawings, smut searches, fart-catching attempts, a Dominican dick flash, and a deep dive into Enny’s alleged fondness for buttholes. Harland doesn’t disappoint either—he reacts to fart videos, tells a story about dating Madonna, and looks forward to tanning with Tom. The two also talk about creativity, recreational drugs, Harland's distrust of nicotine pouches, the anthems of both Canada and Texas, plus playing doctor, and horseshoes with neck pillows. Oh, and Harland names his favorite dictator. Stick around to find out if Harland ends up eating Tom. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 290 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:55 - Arses & Calamari Rings 00:14:34 - So Much Hair 00:26:10 - What's Going On With Canada? 00:31:24 - Measurements, Buzzes, & Vices 00:41:37 - Favorite Dictator 00:51:49 - Dating Madonna 00:55:46 - Clip: Baddie Farts 00:56:49 - Play Back The Tape 00:58:13 - Clip: Fart In One 00:59:29 - Tanning & Tour Dates 01:05:45 - Gas, Gashes, & Gruesome Videos 01:11:48 - Harland Wants To Eat Tom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I love that I started the Not a Damn Chance podcast with just the nastiest story I have. Part of the idea of this podcast is how you can become successful as living as just a regular human. I went to culinary school and I only went for a few months and I dropped out. Look at that kids, you can drop out of culinary school and get two Michelin stars. I do what I can do so I can come back and do it all over again. Not a damn chance. Not a damn chance. If you see yourself somewhere, take all the necessary steps to get there. I just don't know how to quit. That might be my superpower.

You can all try and stop me. I hope you do. Consistency was exactly what life was all about. Don't be genius here and wild there. There's a beautiful moment where obstacles become opportunities, messes become messages. I got shot in the face. Jail was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I did put my head in a noose. You heard 300 people dying.

Nobody can tell me like, you're breaking the rules, you're doing this wrong. There's no right or wrong. Don't care what it takes. I'm doing this. We have a phrase for that That's insane, dude, mm-hmm, that's how you drink. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, I love it That's how you drink? Yeah. That's insane. Yeah, I love it.

100% Cheers. Cheers. He's loud, he's fat, and he's not here. Burt is on hiatus. He's in Istanbul doing a bit of a retreat and sitting in for him is an absolutely hilarious comedian. You can see him on the road.

You can get tickets right now at harlanwilliams.com. It's Harlan Williams everybody Buddy good to see you man. Good that you did it down here. I did it here you unlike this I did well this is like a breast salute. Yeah, that mean people have different. This is the cultural, you know I know but dude I was up here. I'm like, is that an insult? That's like like it doesn't know flag at at half mass. It does feel almost like it. You gave me a halfy, guy. Sorry, man. I'll do it again.

And I can't do this because I don't have a chin. You can still do it. You can do it. Well, it kind of slides off and goes right up my face. Ow. Ow, did that hurt? Ow. Shit.

OK. Like, I want to fangulo you real bad. Do it. Like, to start the show, but all I'm going to do is hurt myself. Yeah. Ah! Oh, careful.

Let's try this hand. Okay. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh shit. Are you okay? Dude.

When's it my turn to fungula? You can do it whenever you want. I know, but I don't want to hurt my face. Just do the finger. One finger? Oh, one of these. Yeah, middle. Oh wow nobody really gets that from Harlan Williams I bet. Well I don't like this because really the implication is it's like I'm supposed to be getting the better of this exchange right? I'm

the tough guy but what am I really saying? Hey you, I wanna put my finger in your anus. Is that what that means? Yeah, it's up yours. Oh, it's up your ass, yeah. Well, what'd you think it was, up your raisin bread? No. Dude, it's up your calamari ring. Yeah, have you ever done that?

What? Fingered someone's asshole? No, but I fingered a calamari ring. Is it a Greek restaurant, Mr. Greek, down on Melrose the other night. And they brought these delicious fried calamari rings. I thought they were deep fried assholes. Yeah, yeah.

And I just grabbed one and it looked like the perfect fit and I put it on and it screamed. Yeah. I don't know if you ever had your food scream. No, so it was still alive. I don't know. I don't know what an asshole does your food scream. No, so it was still alive. I don't know. I don't know what an asshole does, but when you deep fry it. Are you a, but you're not a big asshole guy in regular life?

What do you mean? That's a big question. Like put it in context. Some people- Like if you're gonna throw the asshole at me, like a life ring. Their whole life revolves around their asshole and other people's, like that's where their pleasure source is, like are you one of those guys? Oh, you're like talking pleasure.

Yeah, like fun. I'm more like, I like to go behind like a grassy knoll on a busy road and throw raw potatoes at old ladies driving by in cars. They have to be raw. Like a picked potato, I just love to throw it and hit like the side window while they're driving and they don't know. And just throw them off? Yeah. What's your porn search? Like what do you like to look for? I don't do that. Ever? No. How come?

That's for losers. Jesus man. You can't use your imagination? I mean, we can think of anything. Do you ever do like, oh- We got people to Mars. We got people to the moon. I don't need to, I can imagine someone having squishy, squishy time. How about erotic drawings? Do you like those? It depends if I have a box of crayons. Cause then. Cause then it gets hot.

Yeah. When you're drawing, they melt. No, erotic, I like erotic art. Yeah. Yeah. I do too. You know. I do too. But know. I do too.

But wait. It makes the imagination work. Why are you asking about the porn thing? Do you indulge in that? Well, I thought we were gonna watch some today. I didn't know. Oh, we are? We don't have to.

Oh God. Do we have to? No, I just said we don't have to. You can watch it, but I'll block it. Okay. Cause I don't wanna watch it. You don't wanna see any of it? No, last time I saw you tried to make me watch a guy pee in his own mouth.

Like I'm not gonna, nice try captain crunch. God. What side of the waffle iron are you on? God. Okay. That's bananas. Um, but what about you with arseholes? They're called arseholes by the way. That's how the English say it. That's how the squid fishermen say it

down off the coast of Newfoundland. Who wishes where you're from? Let me kick you in the arsehole there by. Yeah. Let's go out jigging for squid you dirty old arsehole. Yeah. Did you let me sniff your arsehole in the sun there, friend. But don't you feel like a girl can have just

two gamey of an asshole some days? Like there's a Monopoly hotel sticking out of it? Yes. Yeah. I've had that happen. Yeah. Or the little car, the boot. Uh huh.

Yeah. Sometimes they get, um, I don't know. I guess I get, look, dude, it's an arsehole. Of course it's gonna smell gamey. What do you think it smells like, like potpourri in there? Think it smells like a Thanksgiving dinner with stuffing? No, it's an arsehole.

It's gonna smell beyond gamey. It's gonna smell like skanky. It's gonna smell like carrion. You know what carrion is? You don't. I think you do. Well, I used to work on a farm. Okay, rack your brain.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's find out what carrion. I think you know what carrion is. We didn't have that on the farm. Dude, you're sitting here as a 41 year old man telling me you don't know what carrion is? Is it a?

Sougs, sagura, Tommy. Yeah, what's carrion? Carrion? Yeah. That's decomposed flesh like from a dead carcass. Oh, I guess. That's what vultures eat, carrion. Well, we were a sheep farm.

And so that's where I learned to make cashmere and stuff when I was in college. So I didn't- How do we go from talking about the stank on an arse to you wearing a sweater party boy? Making sweaters. Okay, guy, those two things don't jive. They should.

Does someone need to go to dialogue school over here? Like, dude, that's like the Titanic hitting the Edmund Fitzgerald. And you know, come on. I know, you're totally right. We were talking arseholes, and suddenly you're shearing sheep and putting on a sweater. I know. If you're not Richie Cunningham,

I need you to slam the pie and put an apple cobbler in your face. No, you're totally right. What are you doing to me here? Guy, it's either arse or sweater. Let's not bleed them together. Let's try. Okay, it's your show. Well, good Lord.

Do you remember the first time your butt hole got like touched in a way that you weren't ready for? Can you just say arse for me? Your arse? Arse. Hole. Yeah, okay, what's the question? Do you remember the first time somebody just kinda jimmied the lock a little bit and you weren't ready?

How do you mean? Like just by accident or sexually or? Well, I guess in either way. I think it would have to be in all honesty when my mama, when I was a little boy, I was sick. Yeah. She put a thermometer in there. Oh yeah.

Is that locked into your memory? Yeah, now it, thanks to you. Was it traumatic? Like I didn't want to ever remember it. But now like honestly, my legs are shaking, my heart's having a palpitation. Yeah. And I'm picturing my mother behind bars. Cause when I was a kid, I thought it was just natural.

I didn't even have a cold. She just- I just woke up and it was sticking out of me eyes. She thought maybe you didn't seem well so she wanted to check on you. Well what really sucks is the week before I had a real cold and it was in my mouth. Yeah. It's like dude. Well that's the right order. I had a lot of kids in my family. Yeah. How many brothers and sisters? Four sisters, guy. Four sisters?

Yeah. Jesus. It's a lot of arseholes. It's a lot of feminine energy in the house. Yeah. But yeah, I think that was the only time I remember like diddling. Yeah, being diddled.

I remember this as a little boy, because you seem to have this fascination with arseholes. So I'm gonna tell you as a little boy, I did have a moment where my neighbor, who was a girl, she came over to the house and my sisters were sort of goading me on. My two older sisters were in my bedroom. They were there.

I was there. My neighbor was there. This girl, like a year younger than me, I was probably nine or 10 at this point. And I asked the girl, I said, do you wanna play doctor? And she said yes. Yes. So she laid down, we went under my bed,

because I had a high wooden bed, we went under my bed, because that's where doctors go, I think. They do, a lot of them practice right beneath a bed. So I told her to pull down your pants and for some reason I was one of those kids that collected all kinds of contraptions so my room was full of weird stuff. You put it in her ass? What? Oh keep going. Put what in her ass? No no no just keep going. So anyways my sisters were there I had all this weird stuff in my room I had a pencil and I had a really long test tube. Yeah. Like a really long glass test tube and I had one of those bags that

you put soccer balls in at a gym you know know, they've got little holes in them. It's like a big bag. It's like a garbage bag, but it's cloth and it has holes. For some reason I had one of those. So I told Lori Jo, I said, do you want to play doctor? And she said, yes, we went under the bed. My sisters were there giggling. I said, I don't want you to watch.

So I put the soccer bag over both my sisters because they were younger, so it fit. Yeah. And, but it's full of holes so that they could see. And I said, let's go onto the bed. I'm going to catch a fart. So I put the pencil in her butt with the test tube over it, hoping she would fart and I would

catch the fart in the test tube. And all I could hear were my sisters giggling under a soccer bag yeah I'm up to the bed being I guess a fart doctor yeah that's the best kind of doctor did you did you become proficient at catching farts in like mason jars and no I became proficient at being humiliated for the rest of my life because my sisters still bugged me about it to this day. About being the fart doc? Yeah. Yeah.

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Go up to your favorite bar and go, do you guys serve porosos? And when they say no, they go, damn, all right. Never mind. I guess I'll have a beer order a bottle and some of our killer merch online at drink porosos calm Make friends this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by shine downs dance kid dance tour Featuring special guests Bush and Morgan Wade shine downs dance kid dance tour kicks off Bush and Morgan Wade. Shinedown's Dance Kid Dance Tour kicks off July 19th at Boston's TD Garden and makes stops at some of the most iconic venues across the country. This is Shinedown's biggest tour yet, featuring Second Chance, Sound of Madness, and all the classics you'll love alongside some never before performed deep cuts.

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Big Pete. Yeah. And I, as a joke, I pulled my pants down and I spread my cheeks towards him. And then when I turned around, he was just ghost white. And his eyes, he was like, dude. And I go, what? He goes, do you just shit hair? I guess there was just so much back there.

How old were you? Like 14. And you already had hair around the starfish? A lot. I think a substantial amount. Are you Greek? No. Armenian? Sauce squash? A lot, I think a substantial amount. Are you Greek? No. Armenian? Mm-mm.

Sauce squash? A little bit, yeah. And then another time I remember, I was hanging out with these Dominican girls. Yeah. And they were like, we've never seen a white dick. Oh no. And I was like, oh, that's too bad.

They're like, can we see yours? Whoa. And? Well, I was like, I don't know. And they're like, come on, it was three of them. So I was like, well, this is a pretty good opportunity. So, but I was too, I was like, I need to fluff it. Okay.

Like give it a little smack. So I was like, I don't know, let me think about it. I would go in the other room and just like smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack. I'd come back and I would talk to them and they're like, come on. I was like, hold on a second. And I would leave like smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack.

And then when I finally felt like there was enough, like, you know. Girth. Yeah. Then I was like, oh, here you go. And they were like, yo, it's so white. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm white. Open your mouth.

You know it's pink, right? Yeah. It's not white, guy. Yeah, that's true. And especially if you were slapping it around like a hostage in an Iranian prison, you should have been a deep, deep pink, maybe even Barney purple.

But they were like, why isn't it darker? I was like, because I'm not. What the fuck are you talking about? Like, yeah, anyway, it didn't go where I wanted it to. Can we just reverse a little back to you spread eagling for your buddy and showing him your arse? Like, oh, Peter. Yeah.

What? What? How does that happen? Just dudes being dudes, man. Like I remember going to my buddy's place. Hey, can I see your hockey cards? Hey, can I see your hot wheels? I never remembered saying, can you show me your one-eyed cyclops?

I don't think he requested it. I think I was just- You were curious. I just wanted him to see it. I think I was just. You were curious. I just wanted him to see it. I thought it'd be fun. They're like, hey, look at my asshole, you know? So once he made the statement that I've never seen anything,

why is there so much hair on it? Yeah. Did that sort of send you into a tailspin that you were not a normal kid, that there was something odd? It really made me think about just how much hair I have, right? Like body hair. And I was obviously still in the developing phase, but obviously it threw him to the point

where he was like, bro, what is, I mean, It probably looked like a muppet with a black eye. There's a lot of hair here. Yeah. Let's see a little again, a little lower. Oh God. Yeah. So just imagine that. And you're sure you're not Armenian? I don't think so, no.

I think you might be. Maybe I am. What's your last name again? Segura. Yeah. That's Armenian? Yeah. Idiot.

Fuck. Wait, what's Williams? You're not Armenian. Huh? What's Williams? Vietnamese. It is? Yeah.

From the south side. Oh Williams? Vietnamese. It is? Yeah. From the South side. Oh. South Vietnamese. I guess I'm more familiar with like Nguyen, like is like, I guess that's a North Vietnamese last name. Yeah. We om is how you say it in. Bich nha.

Yeah. Bich nha. Bich nha. Bich nha. Bich nha. Hair salon is in Houston. Oh, wow. Yeah, and they- You should go there-nya. Bick-nya. Hair salon is in Houston. Oh wow. Yeah and they should go there and get your arsehole treated. I probably should. Can you show us Bick-nya? Bick-nya. Bick-nya. Bick-nya.

Oh this is okay. Do you know what some people mistake that for sometimes? Uh hold on. Bish-nya. Hold on. Bish-ingah. You're pretty close. Wow. That's also a sex act in West Hollywood, by the way. Is it? Yeah. Do you live in West Hollywood? No.

Where do you live? I live in the hills. Up in the hills. Hollywood hills, yeah. That's big time. You're Big Shot. Oh yeah, the biggest. Big Shot's living in the hills. It's no bigger than me.

Big Shot's living in the hills bigger than me. Big shots live in the hills. Don't even try to act. I look down on George Clooney's house share. Yeah. Uh, I'll watch, uh, Gina Davis sunbath nude from my perch.

That's awesome. Yeah. I've seen Mason Reese rolling around with a Clint Eastwood son in the sunset. No shit. I've seen Rod Stewart spread eeagled with Blue Jays pecking at his nut bag in the early morning mist

of Hollywood. Wow. Well, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the umgabia for me, whatever it is. Bich-nya. How do you see that? When you see that through your hairy asshole eyes, how do you interpret that when you see that through your hairy asshole eyes? How do you interpret that?

I don't know. It's just what's going through your hairy asshole mind. Um, you know, just like a motherfucker is kind of a bitch sometimes. Yeah. Is your arse hairy to this day? Like if it was that hairy at 14. Yeah. Is your arse hairy to this day? Like if it was that hairy at 14. Yeah. Like let's say the pubes were this long maybe. Right, right.

Like are they like, like do you have dreadlocks down there now? Can you pull up like a super hairy asshole? Are you jamming? I mean, I do, I know this. Like did you shoot the sheriff and you don't care? Like what, how long are you?. I know this. Like, did you shoot the sheriff and you don't care? Like what? How long are you? I'll say this most of the time when I'm in the toilet, I'm just wiping, man. What do you mean?

Well, like the top of your head. Yeah. Is probably close to what my asshole looks like. So full of hair plugs. Exactly. Wow. So imagine. Oh, God, dude. I guess I think- What the arse is going- that looks like a rotten pumpkin.

That's me. I am not looking at that. What are you talking about? Whoa, dude. That's me on the right there. That's actually- I'm sure it is! That's my photo.

Yeah. I'm sure that's your passport photo. Is that a baby underneath someone's asshole? Oh my god, dude. Is that what that is? Can we go back to the un-ya or whatever it was? What the fuck is that, bro? It's a bald guy kissing a baby.

Oh my god. That's a bald guy kissing a baby. Where? On the right there. That's an ass crack about to swallow a baby. What are you talking about? That's amazing. That's like a monster. Oh, it is.

You're right. That's his shoulders. Yeah. I thought that ass crack was about to swallow a little Chinese kid. I was about to call child services on this person. I was about to call Molly Maid. I don't even know what that means.

Okay. Can we not? Okay. All right. Can we go back to the be nah or whatever it was?. Okay, can we not? Okay. All right. Can we go back to the be nah or whatever it was? Should I get the laser treatment you think? Dude, I think you need a snow shovel.

Yeah, I know, right? Like scrape that off. Like, dude. It's... Like if your arse looks like that. Yeah. I don't want to come to your house for Thanksgiving. I'll show you right here.

You want to see it? Yeah. For real? Yeah. I don't want to show you. I'll show you right here. You want to see it? Yeah. For real? Yeah. Dude. Bad? I just feel like I looked at a panda that got hit by a truck. What the hell was that? Yeah. I can't even see any pink. It's so hairy in there. It's like if Kenny G fell into the grand canyon, I could get out. Like that's what it looked like.

Dude, I just got so excited. Cause this is the first time since Peter Stark that somebody- That I took a look? That a friend. Yeah. Isn't it funny? I won't look at a picture on a screen of an anonymous arse, but here I am more than happy

to look at your freaking- I know, it's gross. Cyclops pink eye. I'm gonna make you a sweater. Here's the thing, I'm gonna make you a cashmere sweater. With your ass hair? Well, you know we could actually make an ass hair sweater. Oh, you could?

Yeah. You could make Barry Manilow's spring fucking clothing line. Dude you can make an Armenian boat. Will you show me yours? What? Your asshole? Can we do it later? Like I like to do it when there's a little romance. Like studio lights are one thing but if we could do it in the moonlight with crickets chirping and maybe some Mario Speedwagon playing in the background, then I might.

Yeah. And could you throw in a KFC family fun pack or a Baconator? Do you like Baconators? I'll show my arse for a Baconator. We can have the guys go get one real quick. Well, tonight. Oh, tonight, okay.

I said when the moon's up. All right, all right. You'll be here tonight? Oh tonight, okay. I said when the moon's up. Alright, alright. You'll be here tonight? For you I will if we're having an arse session. Okay. Or an arse date. I mean what do you call it when two guys get together in the moonlight and show their arses?

What is that? That's probably like an arse date. I know. Like a midnight arse date. One of my friends here, he's a big fan of looking at other guys' assholes. Really? Yeah. Is Any here?

Who? Ain't a what? He's in the building, not in the control room. Oh damn. What's his name? Any. Oh, I thought you said Any. Which made sense.

Any Anus we call him. Yeah. Yeah. He loves assholes. Dude, I've known you a long time. Yeah. And I never thought on this day in 2025. Yeah. I'd see Stuart Little's mouse hole.

Yeah. No, bro, no, no. See what you're not gonna do? What you're not gonna do, bro, is just fucking spread these bullshit lies Harlan I love you, bro. I've been a fan of you since rocket man. Don't believe this man's lies. He's a crazy man That's any what's he denying? What is what am I? He says about me everything okay everything Harlan. I love you though. Oh, sorry to interrupt you no worries Tommy crazy

Important it's important that he set the record straight. He's got a good voice, doesn't he? He does. Might want to bring him tonight when we're having our arse date. Well, if he's not at some other event with other guys' assholes, yeah. Yeah. But that voice, he could do the color commentary

like he's watching a sports game. Yeah, he's got a smooth Jazz 102 kind of voice. Tom's pulling down his pants, the moon's reflecting off his left ass cheek. 102.7, Harlan I love you baby. This one goes out to you, Tom, let's see your asshole. Save it for tonight, guy. It's Truck Month at GMC.

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Harlan Highway podcast. I gotta get you on there, dude. I'd love to come on. You've been dancing around for five years and I've only been doing the podcast for two. Yeah. So we gotta get you on there. We almost did it last time you were out.

We were exchanging texts and you were almost here but then something came up and you had to bolt. But we'll get ya. I come to LA a lot. We'll get ya next time. I think once we have our R state, you're gonna be more compelled because I think we're gonna feel closer.

Oh, we definitely will. And you'll probably in the back of your head go oh sure I'll do Harland's pod and while I'm there probably it'll lead to an ass date that night. Then I'm in. Or an arse date. I'm in. What's the what's going on with Canada? Talk to me guy. Like that's a very broad like Canada is the second biggest piece of geography the second biggest country in the world and when you say what's going on with Canada, that encapsulates so much. So you need to narrow it down, Nacho. Put it in a family fun pack and help daddy get organized.

Okay. What's going on with Canada's governing? Well, they just reelected the liberal government, which is odd to me because they despised and refuted it. Yeah. They literally threw their liberal prime minister up because they hated what he was doing so much. So much, yeah. So to protest that and affirm how much they hated him, they reelected a guy that he appointed

before they kicked him out. So I- And so now I guess his legacy and his policies continue. So I'm confounded. I would think if you hated a leader so much and his policies, you wouldn't want the second guy that he put in there to take over. So I'm a little confused as to why they did it.

I don't have a horse in the race. I don't live there, but I'm a little confused to be honest. Yeah, which prompted my question. What's going on with Canada? Yeah, it's a little odd. Yeah. It's like if you hated a leader so much, like if this country hated Trump so much and everyone pushed him out and then they said, you know,

let's put in a guy that he handpicked to replace him. Well, you're still going to get a lot of the same stuff, right? JD Vance or something? Yeah. So I don't know, but I guess it's a, it's a, it's a democratic process. They voted for it. So, you know, you make your bed, you sleep in it, right? Do you still go a lot?

I do every second night. Every second night you go to Canada? Oh no, you just said, do I go a lot? Oh, to the bathroom? No. What? Power slam, bro. Oh, do I go a lot? Oh, to the bathroom? No. What? Power slam, bro. Oh, power slam.

Yeah. Okay. That's the, I mean, you ever been to England? Yeah. Yeah, you go a lot, mate. You go. Hey. You go.

Hey. Give it a go. Hey, you like to go. So when you said that, I immediately thought of. Thought you meant in the bedroom. Yeah. But do I go to Canada a lot? Yeah.

Here and there, you know, it's my home country. So I still have family there now. All over the country or no? No, mostly in Ontario, Ontario area. They call it Ontario area. Do you want to hear the song? People don't know that Ontario has its own anthem. Yeah, let's hear it.

Like imagine if, if Texas or Maine or Minnesota had its own anthem. Yeah, let's hear it. Like imagine if Texas or Maine or Minnesota had its own anthem. Yeah. Ontario actually, like Canada has its national anthem. People don't know Ontario has an anthem. Yeah. Give us a place to stand and a place to grow. We'll call this place Ontario. Ontario a place to stand a place to grow Ontario You have a hairy arse I didn't mean that last part. That's not part of the anthem I'm not gonna even take it like it was a dig at me I know it wasn't a dig but I almost I added you to the anthem by accident at the end I accidentally sang you have a hairy arse. Yeah,, you know the Texas one? Oh, there is one?

Yeah. What is it? Your turn. Texas, we're the bestest. You have a hairy arse. Turn left on nexus. Are you making this up, bro? No, that's the song.

Are you BSing me right now? No. Hey, hey, guy? It's like, have a steak. Hold on, guy? Grab a gun. Guy? What?

I'm an invited guest. Yeah. That makes me sort of special. I agree. So that makes me a special invited guest. I agree. So if you think I'm going to sit here in this kid's school or whatever this is. Yeah.

And be BS'd by Dr. Johnny Harry asshole over here. You got the wrong guy. Texas is the bestest. This is real now. Yeah, make a left on nexus. Grab a steak and grab your gun. All we do is have some fun. Come to Texas. Like that's, it's like, that's the words.

I like it, but what's nexus? Take a left. It's a big highway. It's out here on. So take a left on nexus is in the anthem. It's a big highway. It's out here on. So take a left on Nexus is in the anthem. It's in the anthem, yeah. Because the highway 35 is also called the Nexus. It sounds a little too regal.

Like is there any like lines about go to the dollar store or shop at Winn-Dixie or. Buc-ee's, there's a line about Buc-ee's in there. How's that, what's that one? I didn't hear it. It's in the second, what is it? Stop at Buc-ee's. We'll, get in Buc-ee's. Yeah.

Is there a song about your arsehole in there? There's a song. A line in the anthem about your arsehole. Cause that's gotta be a Texas treasure. A Texas, my arsehole? Yeah. I've only been here a few years. But I'm sure people of this fine state recognize that your arsehole is a true treasure.

I wish more, honestly. Yeah. Yeah, I wish more would... Maybe we could start like a petition to get your arsehole weaved into the Texas anthem. That would be awesome. Yeah. Yeah, that would be awesome. It would be awesome.

Good for you. Thanks, man You're welcome friend I'd like to get your measurements before you leave. I'm about 15 inches From where? Pardon, what was that? I'm gonna make you a sweater. Oh got ya What do you think I was saying? Well You asked what'd you ask for? Measurements. 15?

I'm talking about like sleeve, I gotta take it. Oh, okay. Cause I wouldn't really want a sweater for that area anyways. What are you talking about? Just stuff, pink stuff, veiny stuff. Jesus Christ. Stuff with a mushroom cap on it. Dude. Veiny stuff. Jesus Christ.

Stuff with a mushroom cap on it. Dude. Like a pizza. What's your favorite pizza? Your what? I didn't say anything, guy. I didn't say anything. Fuck off. It's your own show, but I'm going to have to ask you to roll your chair back about three inches and fuck off. Hey.

Dude, I know it's your show. Here's what I'm asking. Never heard you say the F word. Roll your chair back about three inches and fuck off real nice for daddy. Three inches, guy. Surely you can do a three inch fuck off for me. Why do you keep saying the F word?

Because we're buds. I've never heard you speak like this. Two inches. Can you do a two inch roll back and do a real deep fuck off for daddy? Well, can you stop saying that? Well, you just showed me your arsehole, and I'm not allowed to say the F word. That's a different level. Did you just roll two?

Yeah. Fuck off. I did. Okay, but I had to verify. I didn't know you'd rolled back already. You saw me do it. I know, but I wanted to verify. As a plight person, I wanted to confirm before I F'd you. Nicotine pouch?

No thanks, I'm straight. By the way, I tried one of those. I was doing a gig in Kansas City. My opener was this girl comic, I forget her name, my apologies. Some fucking broad, yeah. And she's like eating those things all weekend. And finally, they're nicotine things, right? Just nicotine, yeah, straight nicotine.

So I said, what are those? She goes, oh, they're little nicotine things. I've never had a cigarette in my life. Ha ha ha ha. Do you? Ha ha ha. What strength was it? Do you know the milligrams that you took?

Are you laughing because I never had a cigarette? Are you laughing about the story I'm about to tell? I know what's gonna happen, yeah. So she said, do you want one? And I said, I'll take one. I'm not going to have it now, but I go, what do they do? She goes, oh, it just gives you a little buzz, like a little kick. And I thought, I've always heard about nicotine.

I've always heard about the addiction and cigarettes. Never experienced it. All made up by the way, but keep going. So she gives me one little pack like you have. Yeah. I don't know that they come in different strengths. I take it home with me. I think it sat around for about a month.

Oh, wow. And one morning I was just sitting at my computer, it's probably like 10 in the morning, and I was feeling a little groggy. And I was like, you know, you have like, you're just like, you can't get the motor going. And the thing was, I go, you know what? Let's see what happens.

And I put it in there thinking I'd get like this little tiny buzz, like after you've had your first beer. Yeah. And dude, this thing hit me. I almost fainted. I literally, I had it in my mouth for about maybe eight minutes and I thought, oh, it'll

level off, but it just kept going. I literally took it out, I wobbled back to my house and I had to lay down for almost six hours. I almost threw up. Six hours? Six hours. I went right back to sleep. I almost fainted like dude. You do another one after that? No, never. Shoot I'm not even joking. It was brutal. Wow, I wonder what dosage it was. I don't know, but I mean, it was a girl, so it couldn't have been that much. Right, girls.

Because girls can't do what guys do, right? Right, no. I mean, I didn't say that, you did. What, I said it? I think you just said that. I was doing things with my eyes, but I think you said it, not me. If you play the tape back,

it was you. We can do that. We can actually do that. Good. Guys, play the tape back. Get it ready. While they get it ready. Yeah. Do you drink alcohol?

A little bit here and there. Yeah, but what's a little bit for you? You're from Ontario. I probably drink it maybe, maybe once, twice a year. Once or twice a year? Yeah. What, as special occasions? Yeah.

If I, if I just happened to, you know, run into it and it's a, like I'm at a party or something, but it's very rare. When I was younger, I did it a little bit more, but I was never, like many major alcohols I've never had, like rye and whiskey and- You've never had. Yeah. I've never tasted a lot of true, true alcohols. Well, you've had beer?

I've had beer. Beer's the one I sort of started. I tried wine and then I had my first margarita about seven years ago. I'd never had tequila my whole life. I'd never had whiskey. I think. Vodka? Vodka.

I think I had one screwdriver once, like a couple of sips. Yeah. But I've never, yeah. So nothing really like got you going then, because otherwise you probably would have had it more. No, I loved it.

Like the effect of being drunk or buzzed is wonderful, but I just, um, I was always very leery of it because I, I always, uh, was worried it would cause damage. To my instrument. Yeah. I knew I wasn't going to be a doctor or a lawyer or someone that could make a living off of, of, out of a book out of academia. I knew my living would probably come from my

instrument, my creativity, my ability to think on the fly, to be creative, artistic. You were right. So I've been very protective of my noggin, as they say. And so no drugs? Very, very little. Tried smoke pot a few times.

Acid? Uh, I don't want to say, but if I did go to Burning Man, that might've been the place where I tried it. Mushrooms? And same there. Yeah. Cocaine?

No, never, never tried cocaine. Heroin? Nope, nope. Meth? Nope, nothing hard like that. No, no. Okay. Very careful.

There's things I've tried once out of curiosity and that's it. What about Molly? Once. Once, okay. And by the way, Marvel it. I'm not endorsing it, but what a night I had. I loved it.

It was euphoric and beautiful, but I'm disciplined enough to go, okay, you tried it, you tasted the flavor, move on, like, don't go back. Wow, that's incredible that you're able to do that. Yeah, I am. I was just more curious, but I also have an active imagination, so I wanted to see...

I have friends that do that so regularly. Yeah, and maybe it doesn't do anything, but I just, I just, uh, my assumption was that if you alter the chemistry and the biology that's already been created, maybe it's not a healthy thing, but maybe it is. I'm, what do I know? I'm not right about anything. Well, I don't know about that. I mean, that's a very, you know, smart thought of yours to be able to, and discipline that you're able to say,

I want to try this. Very careful. Yeah. Yeah. Very careful about it. Wow. But you know, then there's that old adage like, and I don't lean towards this, but I could also be open to it.

You hear these stories about very creative people, you know, songwriters and poets and, and, uh, you know. Drugs, man. Klikowski and, and, and Jackson Pollock and, and, you know, so many creative people. Hitler. Very creative. Um, they, they, I don't know whether they thrived being under the influence or maybe it

suppressed them more, but you know, who, who's to say which end of the outcome, uh, served them better or served the world or society better, you know, the, some artists might not have thrived if they didn't have their dependencies and we never would have seen their work. That's true. Yeah. And, and a lot of them, you know, people make the case that you don't need the drugs to be as creative as they were, but then some of them have a lifetime of drug usage and they were super creative. Well, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, know, people make the case that you don't need the drugs to be as creative

as they were, but then some of them have a lifetime of drug usage and they were super creative. Well, the thing that always bothers me about that is you do have a lot of these rock stars and people, and then they get later in life and they get clean and they more often than not come out with these statements like, man, I just see everything so clear now.

Yeah. What was I doing? And I wish I'd never done that. And imagine what I would have done if I never, you know, tried all this stuff. And so you can, so I, I think the answer is there's no real answer, but I would just say, be careful of what you got. Because I think maybe in the moment you gain something creatively, but maybe down the road Does it lead to damage or does it lead to?

Hindering your whatever it is your your mind is pursuing and the mind can go down So many beautiful rabbit holes. I think the old thing that I think it was a Reagan said he was like do drugs But just don't do them too much and that's really the whole Ronald Reagan said that yeah He said that Like he's like if you want to try drugs you should try them You just don't do don't do too much and I think that's the way to sure that was Reagan pretty sure if it was in him It was probably Carter. Yeah, I think Reagan said mr. Gorbachev Tear down this wall. That's another thing he said.

Was he stoned? Could have been. Say the other thing he said as him. Do drugs, but just don't do too much. Mr. Gorbachev, do drugs, but just don't do too much. That, yeah, I remember that. Yeah, that sounds more right. Yeah, that was him.

Who's your favorite dictator? Oh wow, good question. Well, this is gonna sound, I don't want it to sound the wrong way. Yeah. But Hitler, not for his cruelty to humanity, his heinous, horrible crimes to Jews and all kinds of people.

Right. And I would say if you take that away, Hitler and his pursuits of world domination, pushed the limits of technology, pushed the limits of aeronautics, pushed the limits of a lot of things that because of what he did in the war and his race for world domination, pushed the sciences and a lot of what he

developed we now use today. Yeah. And maybe the one pursuit he pursued, which was, you know, a master race, he left behind with us a beautiful lesson in what not to do. Right. As much as he created things for us that we implement in our everyday lives.

Today we might not have space flight, we might not have the aeronautics industry we have. We might not have the internet. We might not have a lot of things. Like he really pushed the envelope. Is it fair to say Harlan Williams, big Hitler fan? No, it'd be fair to say Harlan meets Hitler, punches Hitler in the face with a hand-carved canoe paddle, like slaps him in the face.

Yeah. Um. Harland Williams admires Hitler. Let's just go with that. No, I'd say Harland Williams abhors Hitler. Oh, okay. Let me change that. Wants to grab his little mustache face, shove it in your hairy arse, rub it around.

And when he comes out, he looks like the Lorax. Yeah. That's how Harlem feels about Hitler. But if we separate the heinous, the genocide, and we just extrapolate some of the contributions he inadvertently made as a by-product. Yeah. I mean, we'd all be hypocrites if we didn't say we all use them to this day, because a lot of what he developed we institute in our modern technologies and even probably in the medical field. He did a lot of horrible things, but he somehow left behind things

that we all use. I got another bio line for you. Oh, what? Harlan Williams credits Hitler as a big, quote, idea guy. Yeah, I guess I do. Now, can we say good idea and bad idea guy? Yeah, both ends of the idea spectrum. Yeah, but I don't think he can dispute that. I mean, an idea is an idea whether you're Hitler, Saddam Hussein, or Einstein.

I was going to say, big Saddam fan. Like look at Einstein, okay? Big idea guy, right? E equals MC square. Well his math equations led to the creation of the atomic bomb. Now, if I'm breaking down human suffering, how many people did Hitler kill? I think it was, they say around 12 million. How many people did Hiroshima and Nagasaki and other uses of said nuclear fusion bombs kill or maim or destroyed. Yeah. And this is coming from someone we hold up as a genius. Right. Albert Einstein. So there's

a little touch of evil and goodness and everything. Somebody could go Hitler Einstein. They could. Hitler Einstein. But their arms would probably get really sore because those guys were both well over 180 pounds. Yeah, those were sizable guys. Like maybe the strong man in the circus could do that with them, but not you or I. I think a lot of people have really forgotten what a wild guy Saddam was. Oh yeah.

He gets like. Saddam Hussein. Yeah, he gets kind of like thrown, oh yes. It's like dude, Saddam was doing it big time. Like he was really running people into the ground. He was gassing people with nerve gas. He was a real tyrant. And I feel like, you know,

people don't know how neglected he grew up and abused. And it's a real testament to like, you should hug your kid, because otherwise you could end up with a Saddam, and it's pretty gnarly. Yeah. So you think all his evilness came from childhood neglect? Well, he was a definite, like, he's the most textbook psychopath of all dictators. All of them?

If you line him up and you go through Saddam behavior, like the guy, we don't know whether nurture or your environment is completely the reason why you end up, there you go, as one of those guys. But we do know that he was horribly neglected and abused. And he was a rough street dude well before he had power. And he had killed people before. So you get someone like that, you put him in a position of power, you get Saddam Hussein.

So is it safe to say Tom Segura is a Saddam sympathizer? I would say big fan. Big fan. Big fan, yeah. Okay. If it were going to. Because that's what I'm getting. Saddam, big fan. Big fan. Big fan. And how can you not after you just named like his laundry list of accomplishments.

He did a lot of people don't like just really, you know, give them credit for it. Well, was there anything as abstract as it was that I was able to pull out some of the benefits of Hitler? Mm-hmm. Did Saddam, Saddam's name, give him credit for it. Well, was there anything as abstract as it was that I was able to pull out some of the benefits of Hitler? Did Saddam leave behind with us anything that might have been beneficial to the world and society? Well, he, you know, people don't know sometimes that Baghdad was such a thriving, incredible

economy. It was the centerpiece, it was the Paris of the Middle East Baghdad was. And when he went in and kind of put the brakes on, obviously like an open market there and he took people's homes and businesses and whatever for himself and for the government, you really put the brakes on that society continuing to thrive. And the fact that he, well, I guess one thing that he did, and this is often the case with dictators, is it's a lot safer of a place to be when they're in power. And then when they leave power,

the flood gates open with them. But these are all government things. I'm talking about something concrete that he left behind. Like, let's say he, out of all his madness, he left us with baklava. Oh, right. Or cinnamon crumble. Damn.

Like, did he leave us with a better cell phone? Did he leave us with a cure for phone? Did he leave us with a cure for leukemia? Can we do Saddam? Whereas Hitler, as much as I'm not supporting him, but at the end of his reign... You quote, said Hitler's a big idea guy. He's a big idea guy, so he did leave stuff behind that we institute into our daily lives every day. But I don't know that Saddam left us. Did he create a better lazy boy chair? Did he create a hands-free remote?

Did he- Made the mustache more trendy. He definitely left an impact on fashion. And did he also make that thing people wear when they're flying that horseshoe around their neck? Okay, here you go. That sleeping thing. Oh, here we go.

Talk to me. Some big positive aspects of Saddam. He nationalized the Iraq petroleum company, which had a major international oil company. The move brought the oil industry under Iraqi control was seen as a way to benefit the country economically. Well, okay. Well, that's his country though. We're talking about the human race here.

What did he do to propel the human race forward? Well, let's just go through them. Let's go through them. Okay, enough to snap at me. Free health care and education for Iraqi citizens. OK, that's for the country again. Provided refuge to Palestinians. OK, let's see.

His leadership maintained a relatively stable environment. Nothing. God, that's not that many. Big zero. I'm a big, let's go to the negatives. All that stuff's not that many. Big zero. Let's go to the negatives. All that stuff and he did nothing. Human rights. I'm not even seeing cinnamon crumble on there. I thought maybe he invented, by the way, those horseshoe things you put around your neck. If you're a horseshoe guy and you play it in your yard and your neighbors get cranky

about the noise, the clanging. Yeah. Throw those neck pillows and play horseshoes. It's as soft as an angel's fart. Really? Just a tip, but let's get back to this. Sorry. No, I, that's interesting. I didn't want to let that tip go.

Do you play horseshoes? I love horseshoes. Clang, clang, clang. Your neighbors are like, oh, this incessant horseshoe clanging. I'm going to drown the kids. Like, but you use those, those things that people use on the airplane. It's almost like hearing an angel do a popcorn fart at a Dolly Parton movie.

Yeah. Yeah. Just saying. No, that's a good point, man. The tip. What did he do? Looks like nothing, guy. Can we just say your guy did nothing and my guy Hitler did a lot? I mean, not my guy. Well, hold on. You just said say it was my guy. You said my guy. Like my guy side of the argument. You did it. I feel like we're doing like a LeBron Jordan thing.

Yeah. And you're like- And your guys got nothing. Wow. And my guy probably gets you from town to town flying faster because of the work he did on jet engines in World War II. Wow. Just saying, Papa don't preach I'm keeping the baby face.

Because your face, you look like a Madonna video from the 80s when I look at you. Do I really? Yeah like cute like that. Seriously? And also like I wanna shut it off with the remote, your face. But it's cute until I.

Why would you shut it off if it's cute? Just cause sometimes it's too cute, like a supernova. We all love the sun. But when you get a supernova, when a sun or a star explodes in space, it creates a supernova, which is the hottest light almost next to magnesium burning, and then suddenly cute becomes dangerous. So you are on the edge of being too cute

where my rods and cones are starting to incinerate. I wanna write this down. And daddy don't need no health issues for coming on two koalas in a bush or whatever the fuck this thing's called. Yeah, too cute that I'm dangerous. Yeah, is that right? I would get a tramp stamp of that, by the way.

Right over your giant hairy monster cave. By the way, are you a big Madonna fan? Yeah. Yeah. Dated her. You dated Madonna. Dated way, are you a big Madonna fan? Yeah. Yeah. Dated her. You dated Madonna? Dated her, yeah. When?

Right after she left Sean Penn. She was like down, she was out. Sean was physically abusing her. Shit. And the nights I cradled her in my arms, like sobbing, I had to dab lemon water and even onion water, some warm onion water on her face, like just crying like a leprechaun

that stepped in some Shrek shit. Is onion water good for like... It's good for sad people, because onions cause you to cry, and so it sort of reverses the tear glands. So you dated her like 87, 88, something like that? 89, uh, 99 and 2000, uh, 2001, 2002, 2003.

You've had a lot of different. 2004. I mean, we were together a while. She was beat up, she was abused, and the nights that I rocked her in my arm, and sometimes she'd make me soak raisin bread, sudden made raisin bread, a whole loaf in warm milk, and just sort of dab it around her face

and just, she said it felt like being back in the womb. She felt like she was covered in placenta. And I would sing, Papa don't preach, you're in trouble. She wanted to hear her own songs. Yeah, and I would sing to her. Yeah. Wow. And it was very tender.

Like people see her as abrasive, as cutting edge. And with me. A lot of sexual energy. Yeah, but somehow I was able to break her down and get to that soft side of Madonna. I used to call her Mike. Like I just changed, we didn't even use Madonna. I just called her Mike and I'd hold her.

And sometimes I'd be holding her, she'd be naked and covered in onion water and I'd sprinkle cinnamon on her. Cinnamon. And it would just, it almost like tender holding her, she'd be naked and covered in onion water and I'd sprinkle cinnamon on her. Cinnamon. And it would just, it almost like tenderized her, that hard exterior, that Madonna exterior, like a virgin, but I got her to a place

where it looked like she'd been rolled like 400 times behind a Dairy Queen by truck drivers. Yeah. Like nowhere near like the virgin thing. And I was able to break that down for her and give that to her. I almost lost a lot of years off of my life because I were so dead. You were so dedicated. I just, she was so wounded and I'm a giver and a healer. And I helped her heal. And just to feel,

if you could feel her crying in your arms in the middle of the night, yeah, like the smell of burnt cinnamon and just her heart beating against your chest. And you just squeeze her a little and she'd do like, she loved those apple turnovers from McDonald's and you'd just give her a little squeeze and she'd do little apple turnover farts. Just like, like little, almost like angel whispers into the night and you'd squeeze her and she'd shoot little crispy apple turnovers. So adorable, man. Yeah.

What a memory. I helped her through that. You like fart vids? Sorry? You like watching fart videos? Oh, come on, guy. Yeah? What do you mean?

There's fart videos? What are you talking about? You don't watch fart- Well, I guess if I can see a video of your arse, there's probably a fart video. Come on, let's watch some fart videos ah dude you watch them I'm gonna put my hand come on bro I can hear them look we get sound here that's not real those aren't real what do you mean I mean you let that much air out you're gonna crinkle up and blow away like a Snickers wrapper

on a windy day. Those aren't real. You don't think so? No, they're too wet. Sounds like a penguin just walked out of a car wash and shit its pants. Are you into that though? Into what? That? Chicks that fart? No! Oh, I don't know man. I'm just trying to... Are you? No, I just I don't know. I think you might be I think you are Why aren't you saying no what no What did you find that stuff or he did earlier? Did you get the playback? What? Oh? Were you said something about somebody I was looking cuz they said something about somebody and he told me we have playback capabilities. Okay Let's see here brutal. Wow. I wonder what dosage it was. I don't know but I mean it was a girl So it could have been that much right girls

That was you. Oh girls can't do what guys do right? No, I didn't say that you did what I said it. I think you just said that. I was doctored the tape. No, I didn't doctored it. It's playback. You said it. Dude, I'm an invited special guest on your show. You're the one that said it. I wanted to make it clear. You said it. I'll tell you what. What? I went for a three inch or about 10 minutes ago. Oh boy. I'm going to ask you to not only, I'm going to ask you to swing your mic back, swing it back, roll back about four inches and take a real deep, deep fuck off. Oh dude, come on man. Well,

if you're going to play games with daddy, you think I don't know the tech world. You think I don't have a Westinghouse fridge and a Whirlpool laundry dryer and a Panasonic microwave at my house? You think I don't know the tech world guy? I have an electric can opener. I'll fuck you seven ways to Thursday. Are you back four?

Yeah. Is your mic back? Fuck off. I just did. Well, I just get confirming. You just had me fuck off twice. You wanna see a different fart video? Okay, I mean, no.

What do you wanna see? You wanna see? Okay, a fart video. These are fun. You wanna see something like a guy getting, with like a chick with high heels stomping on a guy's dick? No. Oh.

I said another fart video. Oh, okay, okay. I'm sure there's another one. What do you got? The smallest bone in your body in your ear? That's not a girl. No. But that's a girl fart. He ripped ass. That's a guy doing a girl fart.

Yeah. Maybe he's transitioning. fart. He ripped ass. That's a guy doing a girl fart. Yeah. Maybe he's transitioning. Have you thought about that? Yeah. I did it about four months ago in Bermuda. I went from Bermuda and I got tired of tanning as a guy. You know, because we just wear shorts, we look clunky. Yeah.

You know, we don't have, what do we get one tan line? But when you're a girl, you got the bikini, you got the tan lines above your hips, you got the strap tan lines, and I'm like enough. I want tan lines. So I transitioned, I was in Bermuda, it was three weeks at the Paquiti Resort, and I laid around, I got tanned,

I looked like a pack of bacon at Kenny Rogers' funeral. You wanna get spray tanned right after this? I'd love to. I go to a place called Tantastic down on 9th. Where do you go? There's a place on Nexus here that does tanning stuff. We can get spray tan there together if you want. Isn't that in the national anthem?

It's in the state anthem, yeah. Yeah, I thought I recognized that line. Yeah. We go to nexus, we go, get tanned together. Yeah. Huh. You wanna go? I'd love to go. Yeah.

Because people they see with a spray tan, they don't know. Yeah. And they just go, man, you look, you've been on vacation and you go, yeah, I have. I like to do fun designs too. I kind of, I mix my tanning with crafts. Like what I'll do is I'll, I'll lay on the table and then I'll get a hot dog wiener, an Octoberfest wiener.

And I'll lay it on my stomach with an, in an onion ring. I'll stick it in an onion ring. And then when the tan's done, I take them off. I have this big white spot and it looks like fucky time on my stomach. Yeah. Why? and it looks like fucky time on my stomach. Yeah. Yeah. Why, fucky time. It's like the Oktoberfest wieners

right through the onion ring. And it looks like it's. Like fucky time. Like fucky time. Is that your favorite? Are you being condescending right now, guy? No, I'm not at all, man. You invited me to tan.

I know. I didn't invite you. I know. Silver teeth Timmy or whatever they call you. How do you know they call me silver teeth? I don't know. I've heard it around town, down at the tattoo parlors, at the Rub and Tug, at the pinball joint.

Yeah. Silver teeth Timmy. I love that shit. But yeah, I'll go tanning with ya. All right, guys, make the appointment. We're gonna head out, we're gonna head over there. Great. Get tan.

Great. Where are you gonna be on the road? Where's it coming up? Let's pull it up. I'm not sure, you'd have to look at my website if you wanna go there even. Yeah, we're gonna go there. Oh wow, there it is.

Oh, you look so happy there. Yeah, unlike here Tour dates oh here we go. Thanks man. Look at you helping me out Ontario oh Some of them are out of date, but I would say go past all right there We go the Royal Theatre in Toronto. It's Toronto. How do you say it? Toronto. I'm from there, guy. No, listen, it's Toronto. Toronto. Yeah, Toronto. Yeah. Toronto. Yeah. Okay, making sure you say it right. Toronto, T.DOT, and then the nasty

Natty, and then Judor Titties are gonna be at City Winery. I don't know if those, some of those are up in the air, I think, but we can say it, but there's one I want to plug is the, in June 22nd. Yeah. I'm in DC. There's a theater in DC. There it is. The Washington, what's it called?

The Howard Theater. Howard Theater. I haven't been to Washington DC forever. So I really want to get, that's the one I want to focus on. Okay. That's the one I want to focus on. Okay. That's the one I'd love people to get tickets to come out to the Howard 22nd. Is that on the Howard campus?

You looked that up? I'm not going to sit here and play word games with you. I'm trying to promote my dates. I'm just, I'm asking man. And just, I just, can I announce something? Mm hmm. Folks, just in case you're wondering, I just, can I announce something? Mm-hmm. Folks, just in case you're wondering, I'm just announcing this, I'm just throwing this in.

Tom Segura and I are gonna do a split headlining at the Howard Theater. It's me and him, Tom Segura and Harlan, and we'll flip a coin to see who goes first. Okay. But it's Tom and I, Tom's going to do two hours. I'm going to do about 20, 20 minutes. Yeah.

And, uh, so you don't want to miss the Howard theater. Howard theater. Wait, you're going along with this? Yeah. The 22nd. I just came up with it right now. You're in? I'm not in.

Are you bullshitting me right now? Cause I'll, I'll give you a third one. Dude, you're bullshitting. I'm not bullshitting you. now? Cause I'll give you a third one. Dude, you're bullshitting. I'm not bullshitting you. Back it up about five inches, guy. I don't have any more room. Let me hear it hit the wall. Fuck off.

Oh, it's not on the Howard University campus. No. That's what I wanted to make sure of. So you're not coming now? But I'll still do it. Maybe I'll come. One of these days, we've worked together before. Yeah.

We worked together, you don't remember where, do you? Where was it, Melrose? Ass. Ass? You don't remember? Oh, Montreal. No. Where?

Florida. At? Remember the Hard Rock Casino, that club down there? In Fartloutterdale? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we worked together there. We did?

Yeah, you don't remember? No. Yeah, we did a whole weekend together. What? That's where we met. No. Well, it's where we first worked together. We worked together a whole weekend there?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. No. Fine, be that way. And this is the guy I'm gonna go up on the hill under the full moon and show my arse Yeah. Mm-hmm. I didn't, no. Fine, be that way. And this is the guy I'm gonna go up on the hill in the, under the full moon and show my arse to? Pretty combative for an arse guy.

Did we really do that? Mm-hmm. You don't remember? How long ago was this? Oh dude, this was 20 years ago. We worked together at the Hard Rock. Cafe, the Improv improv that was at the fart Louderdale.

Yeah. It was at the, the, the semiloy, the seminal hard rock, the so Salmonella casino or whatever it was. Seamen hole. Yeah. You don't remember, huh? No. Oh, it was fun.

Yeah. You know why I liked it? Cause it was the first time when, when your comics like us and we're always sort of, we don't get to work together a lot. So it was the first time I really got to work with you and see you do your show. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember how funny you were. Oh, thanks, man. And I remember it was just like, oh, I like this guy. Like we hadn't, we'd probably bumped into each other,

but when you do a weekend, you have to do like four nights together and like six shows. So I got, did you just crack one? Mm-mm. Dude, either your chair fucks the Tin Man at night, or you just cracked like a. No, no. I heard like it was almost like an 18 wheeler

grind into a halt just before hitting a baby on the 15 to Bakersfield. No, I was listening to this, do you recall this thing? I didn't do that. If something wafts over here in about four seconds and I pass out or puke. No, come on. What'd you have for breakfast? Wait, don't tell me. Oh, you son of a bitch, French toast. Fuck.

God, dude, wow. So now I feel bad. You smell bad. You don't feel bad, you smell bad. That's tangible, that's real. God, that felt good. Yeah, right? Yeah. You love farts. Yeah, right? Yeah.

You love farts. Yeah. I thought everybody does. But that girl farting on the thing, did that inspire you to do one? It kind of was, oh, wow. Come on, bro. What in the name of Saran Wrap?

Can we turn it up? Why is he laughing? Is it laughing? Poor baby. What is wrong with humans? I don't know. I mean I understand if somebody puts the mask over their nose. You do. Well, because they're trying to go like, oh, but this is just eating them. That's not eating them. That's like swallowing them. Well, yeah. That's like looking at Rod Stewart getting his stomach pumped in the 70s right there.

Except backwards. And I think she's cute. Well, you can't even see her. Hmm. She's cute. She looks like a leftover. She's all wrapped up in Saran wrap. This is such another level.

Dude, you've done this, haven't you? Dude, look at your little owl eyes. You're like a little owl up on a pine tree in the middle of the night. And you just saw a little mouse run by. I remember when I- And you're lit up like Donny Osmond at a Jackson 5 funeral. When I first moved to LA,

I realized I had so many things I hadn't done. It's like you trying drugs. Right. And so things like this would be like, I gotta try this, you know? And you did? Yeah. With your wife or with a girlfriend?

Just some random little. Some rando. Yeah. Wow, and how was it? It was cool. It was cool, I enjoyed it. This though was different. Have you ever had the Heimlich maneuver?

Oh, oh, oh. That's not real. That's not real. That girl needs to call the Orchid Man. Is that a mouse? Is that a bald mouse? Dude, I will not. I can't watch.

No. Whoa, dude. How can you even show that? Is this a product commercial? This is, this is a, yeah, this is a product commercial this is this is a yeah this is a devil wears penis what the hell is this whoo I can't watch the end no well he loves it he loves it he loves it you know that's a guy under there for sure I'm pretty sure it's a guy I can't see his face I think it's these days you don't know you know what's under the floorboards.

Just ask Edgar Allen Poe cask of a Montelato. Do you, do you. You don't know what's behind the wall guy. No, that's true. Is it gone? I think so. Oh dude. No, this is, it's like I'm watching Hostel.

It's like that movie by what's his face, Jordan Black or whatever. Who's that director? The guy that did the Hostel? I don't know who did that. Elon, what's his name? Oh, oh, oh, I know who you're talking about. Not Elon Musk. No.

The guy who did all the Hostel. Roth? Eli Roth. Yeah, this is like a Eli Roth. It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. Oh, God, dude. That was cool. You didn't even flinch.

Well, these are things that are... What's going on? Eli Roth. Yeah, it's like a Eli Roth. It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. Oh God, dude. That was cool. You didn't even flinch. Well, these are things that are- What's going on with you? I mean, they didn't turn you on at all? On?

I'm not even on the beginning area of a dimmer switch, let alone on. Well, I don't know, man. I think we got to analyze your deep psychological sexual issues. Cause you like that. You like the farting tube. Yeah.

You like the devil wears penis Prada. I mean, I think women are wonderful. They're beautiful, you know. But sticking their stiletto. Yeah. In the Cyclops Mountain. Mm-hmm that ain't healthy Sexual behavior as far as I'm concerned and I ain't dr. Ruth Why people mistake me for sometimes I think dr. Ruth would disagree. I think she would say that was pretty hot You've found that to be hot. I

Mean, I think everybody would find it somewhat arousing. Dude. No? Dude, you need to get the Cracker Barrel. Yeah. Get one of the giant antique rusty saws. Yeah. And slap it in your own face for about half an hour while you're eating cinnamon cobbler.

Oh my God. Let's go to Cracker Barrel after the spray tan. I can't go to Cracker Barrel after seeing your hairy ass crack. It sounds the same. But one of them tastes good and the other doesn't. You don't know how it tastes. Okay, you got me. You got me.

Okay. Cinnamon can fix anything, by the way. If I can fix Madonna with cinnamon, I can fix your giant mustard gas fucking bomb hole. I'm down for some lemon water and onion water. Okay. And if you want to get some of that cinnamon raisin bread and like soak it. You know what I'd like to do is maybe get some beer batter. I don't often like to cannibalize people.

Yeah. But I sort of got this feeling I want to roll you in beer batter, like fish and chips. Yeah. And maybe eat you. I don't know if any of your other guests ever tossed that one around, but boy oh boy. I would be into it. I'd like to eat you. Okay.

And then maybe put that tube in that guy's mouth and... Guys, get a tape measure. I want to do Harlan's measurements before he gets out of here, but we're going to make you a sweater. You are? Yeah. And make sure you check out Harlan Highway Podcast and also harlanwilliams.com for tickets.

And don't forget on June 22nd, he'll be at the Howard Theater in Washington, DC. And I will do my best to make it to that show. You think I didn't catch that, right? As soon as I said I want to my best to make it to that show. You think I didn't catch that right? As soon as I said I want to eat you alive you ended the show? Oh no, I was just making sure that we... I caught it.

I didn't mean it like that. It's interesting. No, I'd say I want to eat you and then, oh, see Harlan here and then, you know, hey, thanks. No, I want you to eat me. Oh! Yeah. Oh, that's my... I'm sorry. You know what I would love for you to do? Oh what?

Make me a banana split. Really? Yeah. I could do that. You take my ass cheeks. No, guy. And you spread them, and you put a banana and ice cream in there, and then you take some corn chips,

and you break them up like that, and you put some syrup in there, and then you just. I don't party on Fun Street. You'd have a better chance of the Edmund Fitzgerald floating back to the top of Lake Superior. The chef coming out at 8.50 a.m. saying, fellas, it's been good to know ya.

And then I fuck off to the next dimension, so I never have to look at your sugar daddy, bumpy wump, crumple cake cake fudgy stick eyebrows ever again And I mean that look who's that? Unshine I'm gonna hit the... I gotta break it in half. You understand? And put some corn chips, smash that up there. Yeah, girl! I'm tellin' you, and put some popcorn, some ice cream. Girl, I'm gonna go to lickin' that... girl, inside your booty.

Ay-ya-yay! I'm gonna get it all! Uh-huh. That's what, you gonna put me this to be. You know what's the most disgusting thing about that? What? He stole your idea. Isn't that crazy? Asshole. I'm gonna reach out to him. Lawsuit.

Banana split lawsuit. And it's crazy that he's talking about that with some girl and then you could do it to me. Well, I'm, you're not gonna like this. I just looked at my schedule, buddy. I'm busy for the rest of my life. Well, let's see if we can figure out something today. Busy, rest of life. We are going to get spray tan

and there will be a window of time we can get all these ingredients. Real busy. Right through eternity and beyond. Come on, that's ridiculous. You can't be that busy. Look at my Cosmos planner. Let's now.

Yeah, sorry. Guys, go get some pecans and some corn chips and some ice cream for Harlan. He's going to give me a banana split. And don't shake your head like that. Stop doing that, dude. I'm just getting it ready for when I, it's like action. Thanks for coming. Don't say that.

And thanks for being here. Yeah, that's better. And thanks for coming. No, just thanks for being here. And I can't wait to show you my sweet, sweet Hershey kiss. No. And then you can eat all those corn chips and pecans right out of there.

No. And on that note, don't forget Harlan says Hitler's a big idea guy and I'm so cute that I'm dangerous. Yeah. See you next time. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and smile, the other wears a shirt. See you next time.