2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Tony Hinchcliffe ROASTS The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

SPONSORS: -Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. -Get 25% off your next alcohol order of $35 or more, up to $15 off max value. For eligible users only. Terms apply. Must be 21+ to order alcohol. Drink responsibly. -Get 20% Off + Free Shipping, with the code BEARS  at https://Manscaped.com. -Upgrade your wardrobe and get up to 25% OFF @‌trueclassic at https://trueclassictees.com/BEARS We're back with another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are joined by the great and powerful Tony Hinchcliffe! Tony talks with the bears about the origin and legacy of Kill Tony, doing arena shows, and of course the Netflix Roast of Tom Brady. They swap stories on how they each got involved with the show and the creative process behind it all. Tony even drops a hot scoop from the event just for Tom and Bert. They also talk about the good and bad parts of the roast, the performances of Andrew Shultz, Nikki Glaser, and Ben Affleck, plus much more! You can't really tell, but Tony looks like he's dressed like a UPS delivery guy. Grab a deflated football and enjoy! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 238 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Welcome to another episode of two bears one cave you can see the biggest live podcast in the world If you go to New York City and go to Madison Square Garden on August 9th and 10th to see kill Tony and joining us is Tony Hinchcliffe That's why So kill Tony. I remember doing it in the belly room. Yeah. Not even sold out in the belly room.

And I needed you guys back then. No, you did. You did. It was a huge favor. Also, it was kind of a fun thing because everybody had their podcasts. And it was like, if you're another comic, like they go, hey, did we do my podcast?

You go, yeah, I want to do my my friends podcast support I mean, I know you've probably been asked this it can't be yes You can't you could not have imagined that it would reach this thing, right? I'm nuts. Yeah, i'm secretly nuts Yeah Um, so yeah, I did but I just didn't think it would be this soon when the pandemic happened And all you guys and everybody and Schultz and Joe and everyone got to keep doing their podcast in a sanctuary. Wait, did you just go on pause? No, we did the worst thing ever, but the people loved it, which was we complained about not being able to survive in a studio like this while people would send in 60 second sets via file and then we would zoom with them

to interview them afterwards. But it was a way to make it happen. It was crazy. But and so it was kinda like everybody got to see how much we were struggling and apply that to their own struggles. Yeah, yeah. Instead of, oh everybody else is just doing

their normal podcast. From what I gathered afterwards. And by the way, at the time, it was the most fucking depressed. Yeah. Yeah. In in. I was losing my mind in Los Angeles. Yeah. My neighborhood was where the riots hit, where we were shooting. Our studio was at La Brea and Sunset. So there's literally just homeless encampments on fire

that you had to walk by to get into the studio. Like the city was on fire. Yeah, it walk by to get into the studio like the city was on fire yeah it was crazy and so no it was rough but like it was relatably rough yeah because I'm like this is not what we do this show probably I mean I think when I think about like all the mean it's innovative it's a very unique one and only show but you also been the most consistent person I think I don't feel like you've missed a week. We have not, we have put out an episode

every single Monday for 11 years. That's pretty incredible. Everyone should know that, 11 years. Yeah, that's pretty incredible. 11 years, doing a podcast 11 years. So I think a lot of, you know, it's like, it's so funny, I had a kid backstage. I was in, I don't know, some arena arena and this kid's backstage, these college kids.

And I know their dad or something and I had just done an arena and he's like, dude, you know what you got to do? You should get on Kill Tony. He's like, if you do stand up on Kill Tony, that's big. And I was like, cool. I was like, I'll tell Tony that. He goes, you know Tony Hinspoh? I was like, cool. I was like, I'll tell Tony that. He goes, you know Tony Hinsbill? I was like, yeah, man. It's crazy, it's crazy because it's like,

I feel disconnected from comedy quite often because I feel like I do this thing that I'm doing now, which isn't really adjacent to how we started. You know, it's like, it's fun, it's big and it's awesome. I just ended my tour in Austin Saturday and then we start up for Fully Loaded this summer. Fuck yeah we're gonna have a fucking blast. But I went one night I went to dinner at Eddie B's with Leann and I got a message from Tony he's like come by and do Kill Tony and I hadn't done the show since it was in the store. And I went and got on it and I was,

I know this is gonna sound crazy to people, I was very funny. Like, and I forgot. You were. I forgot I was funny. And you know what? I'm gonna be honest with ya, it's been driving me crazy hearing people talk shit sometimes

once in a while about you, because I'm like, wait, now, maybe a little bit, maybe a touch before, but late, I swear, I'm not even kidding, or especially kissing your ass, but you were so funny that episode in the moment, completely improvised, and it's hard for people, people would be shocked to know what comedians get there and kind of stiffen up, because I'm hosting

and they wanna kind of host, people wanna I'm hosting and they want to they want to kind of host you know want to host oh you mean like me instead of it I know you're great instead of sitting back and just cranking homers and picking their moments and you were doing I've always you know I struggled with with your show this is I told you this in the very beginning I did it the I've done it a number of times the very first time I was like so what do we do you're like all these people come on they do their set and then like, you know, I just fucking rip them apart. And I'm like, I was one of the, I've seen a few other

people do this where like, I always try to go like, here's what I think you should do to get better at. I try to be like, but it's not funny. Like I actually just go like, I think you should. That part is great. People think, guests think that when they come on, oh, it's a roast show, I gotta make fun of people. And I tell them like, when they go, hey, just let you know, roasting isn't really my thing. I go, great, that's my thing. Yeah, yeah.

I do that. That's not what everybody's supposed to do. Advice is great. Just being funny and noticing things is the real role. We did your one year anniversary show. Joe and I did. Yeah, the 10 year.

The 10 year. So fun. I was a spectator at that and I was enjoying myself because I was high, I was drunk, and it was actually like having a front row seat, literally to watch this show take place that was incredible. It was so fun to be a part of. I've noticed that that's been happening a lot at these big ones. That was like a big

experiment for us. To do the bigger venues. Huge venue with a bigger production and all this stuff. How does it change? Cause I haven't seen one of the arena ones. Is it pretty much the same thing? Just larger scale? Larger scale, but I'm so ready and on that it is kind of like, you know, I'm like really driving the ship. So I have noticed that it is harder for the guests to kind of pick their spots. To pick their spots. I have enough time.

I'm not used to a bonus five seconds of laughter, reverberation. And that five seconds when you're used to having to have your next question or your next joke or whatever That lets you come up or wherever you want to steer the ship. How much more intimidating is it for these newbies to do an arena set? It's impossible. Everybody out of the bucket is bombed on these things. It has to be. It's terrifying. First time I did an arena, I was eight years in. I was opening for Russell Peters. And he flew me over to London.

First he did a warmup show for 7,500 people in Birmingham. And then we go to do the O2. And I'm like, so I'm eight years into standup, terrified. And that's with like a set that I know I'm doing. I can't imagine Doing a cold one minute there. We have learned that 100% of people out of the bucket bomb So how do you how do you deal with that? So what I've been doing lately and it's great that we've had these practice runs before going to MSG is I Stock the line. Oh, you're calling the forum a practice room. Yeah, it is weird

Damn, it sometimes I don't know how fucking cringy and ridiculous I sound. I hope it's translatable to people. But the truth is like, MSG's the shit. I mean, look, I'm probably never gonna do MSG, but the forum for me was like, that's because I live in LA still. Oh, totally.

But it, I mean, I know, I think you did the forum twice. So like, I mean, so it's like, it is a practice run. And the roast, and I did the staple center with Gillis and Schultz. How was that? It was unbelievable. I mean, like with Schultz, Gillis, Post Malone, and Derek Poston, who's my fucking homie,

who I originally hooked up with Schultz. Schultz a few years ago was like, hey, you got an opener I could use for San Antonio? You got a black guy, I need a black guy. Well, that's how I translated it. He said an opener that I could use in San Antonio. I'm like, who's my... Oh boom! It was like immediate. Yeah. Because I knew David Lucas was kind of more independent. I don't know how to describe it. Like he's more like an independent creature.

Yeah. But Derek is just such a fun hang and so funny and he's a rising stock like crazy. I work with him four nights a week at the mothership. He brings me up there regularly. So to get to do the Staples Center with Derek cold opening who who opens almost all the shows at the mothership. I mean, he's being built like fucking Darth Vader. Yeah, and so for it to go him, me, Gillis, who is literally my favorite fucking drinking buddy, him and I were just at Texas Stadium doing this fucking Texas Longhorn fundraising thing for billionaires the other day and we had the best time. I don't think people realize like me and Shane like hang and I'm whiskey cokes and he's

beers so by the time he hits his 15 Bud lights where he starts showing some sign of intoxication Yeah, exactly. I'm seven whiskey and cokes in and we're having the time of our lives man We went up at Texas Stadium and smoked a fucking blunt by ourselves like just him me him and La Mer and his little crew And fucking we're just having the best time here in Austin so it's funny because it like translates Derek moved he's a comedy store guy moved to Austin one of the first guys to move here Derek then me then Gillis then Schultz who blew my mind watching his stand-up like he's talking about his actual life and having yeah first kid and it's so much smarter and I literally it made me feel like a

kind of a hack because I'm up there talking about trans school shooters and fucking did the sub that went down to the Titanic and all this fucking I'm like reaching for anything in the world that I find dark and funny and he's up there talking about his actual life killing and I'm cracking up to where like holy shit it's hard for me to laugh at comedians talking about raising a kid and this and that and what about the wife and da da da da. But it's a really good.

And then he brought up Post Malone. And the whole time you're looking at this. Who did Post talk about? Oh. Oh. You know the crowd went ballistic and he fucking smashed and then we brought up his dad. Post Malone's dad?

It was his birthday, yeah. And I we brought up his dad who was his birthday. Yeah. And I got a few roast jokes off on him and it was just so much fun, man. And like, what a trip to LA to get to start there, go through the pandemic there, the riots there and go back and have that kind of week. Go back and have that kind of week. I mean, you couldn't have written it, especially getting it started with the roast, which I was a very late addition to. Today's episode is brought to you by Manscaped,

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What is the story with that? We talked about, obviously, you're set and we were hanging out and all that stuff, and we saw you at the 5K, but so how did, when were you, how were you a late edition? How did this come together? It's a crazy, crazy, crazy story. So like, I wrote for the last 10 Comedy Central roasts.

Comedy Central never gave me a shot at all to get on them which was crazy because if you remember Comedy Central was literally making stars at the time like SNL used to way back in the day and and the roasts were huge for a minute huge and the roasts before I started writing on it the writers that were on the roast before I started writing on it were Whitney Cummings, Anthony Jeselnik, da da da da, so there was a clear path. So on the first roast I'm like, okay, so if I kill it in this writer's room and get a ton of jokes in and really focus, I can get on the next one. Ten. Ten later. Fucking Trump. Boom. Fucking Rob Lowe, Bruce Willis, Alec Baldwin, you name it. I'm like that close, never got on one. But all that stuff.

Were there conversations, like would it be with, because these are usually conversations that happen with like managers and eight, you know, behind the scenes. They, you tell your manager, I want to do this. I had a bad manager for a long time. And I'm a very loyal, loyal dog. So I'm like, we're going to do it together. And I didn't realize it just wasn't happening. Sure enough, he retired a month before the pandemic. No, what a move.

Yeah, exactly. Good timing on his part. Oh, my God. It was unbelievable. Makes you feel like he might be connected with it. Yeah, I honestly did. I'm like, what the fuck? So left in shambles.

So you never get your shot and then never get my shot, but I'm super close with Jeff Ross, who I worked with directly on a lot of those things. He really does executive produce all of these things. He knows how to do it. I told him, I said, without your fingers in the pie, it would have been a nightmare. And I gave him his flowers that night, and the next day, and at every party I saw him, because I think it's understated how it is very understated

And I say this because you were a writer for ten years How important the writing team and Jeff Ross and the production team is to those roasts? Yeah, because they stage it in a way. They know what people are gonna say. They know where they're gonna say it They create a fucking recipe for you to succeed. Yeah. And Jeff Ross, I said it to him a hundred times, drunk, even sober, he fucking is the reason everyone is loving that roast. Oh, yeah.

It's to a large part, Jeff. Oh, absolutely. And every single one of the roasts that have ever happened before it, he's the reason why, I'm not kidding you, we are such big roast guys, him and I, that roasting wasn't like a common term, believe it or not. It seems like it is now, but it wasn't like in the zeitgeist 10 years ago. And so like when that when we started, like when we would see a headline on the internet, like, you know, headline on the internet like you know you name it like fucking Joan Rivers roast Kim Kardashian on the view or something like that when we see when we

would see the word roast we'd be like hey that's fucking cool people are using that word like it was such a old art form. Did you ever see did you ever see Jeff I don't want to interrupt I want you to keep talking about this going forward with this but uh, did you ever see Jeff? You don't Ever see you don't want to enter. I don't know go back Seems like you kind of do dude. I've been really good this fucking conversation. You're my partner. I've been really good Very proud again. I mentioned how many times you've wanted to interrupt if you think you've been really good You've wanted to interrupt if you think you've been really good Damn your crew is cracking up right now. You must interrupt a lot, huh? You were saying

You already interrupted you might as well follow through now. Nope. Come on. You already did it Technically you already interrupt it finish it Well, that's just a bad interruption It was Jeff you ever see Jeff Ross when he roasted be Arthur Is this probably 20 years ago Jeff Ross did an old-school roast with all the legends and they were doing it at the fryer at the Friars Club He said God, but she saw that I wouldn't fuck her with be Arthur's dick And then the camera cuts to B. Arthur and he goes,

is she still alive? I mean, did you ever see his roast of Shaq, the Shaq roast? Oh yeah. Shaq and Emmett Smith's roast. Yeah, Emmett Smith's, yeah. Shaq brought that up. When I talked to Shaq, he was like, did you ever see that?

And I was like, it's the hardest. It is the most inappropriate, wildest. Well like it's the hardest. I've it is the most Yeah, well, that's the thing is like and you know, I learned from him a lot about like, okay So you could do this but if you do this then you can't do that And if you you know what? I mean, you can't go too much one extreme So, you know there was cuts I was making well first of all, yeah So we had you want to get into it How did this come about kind of crazy because this is kind of like a hot scoop. Yeah, let's alright So let's get into it first of all I've never been a Netflix darling the special that I was lucky to get to make with

a steady cam in 2015 seven years into my career Was a miracle they were looking for something different with continuity and continuity and it was like a year after Birdman came out. So I'm like, what if somebody shot a special like that? In one take, yeah. And all I had was one show at the Ice House. I wasn't that good. The difference between a seven or eight year comedian doing an hour special. In 15 years.

Right. It's light years. But I was lucky to get it at the time and it worked. And then once that two year licensing deal was up and gone, I'm like, fuck this special, get it out of here. I'm so much better, I don't want anybody to see it. Right? So, and it seemed like they weren't knocking at the door anyway, you know?

I think they have a thing with likable people or a thing that they can see or something that tests well or whatever and So they didn't want me on this thing to to start and I knew that this was clear I'm just not an industry guy. I mean clearly I've my show my hit show is on YouTube Yeah, and you don't see me much more other than that so but I have a great team, a great agent,

a great manager for the first time ever. And so I hit them up and I'm like, hey, I'm making you guys all this money. I want you to do something for me. I wanna get on this thing, which is crazy because in the beginning, when they first announced it, I'm like, oh, that's cool. They're gonna do a rose to Tom Brady, that's great.

But as it got closer and I'm like, live, Tom Brady. Dude, I have a feeling this might be the biggest comedy event ever. In this period, are you at all hitting up Ross? Because he's your friend? I did hit up Ross when they first announced it to congratulate him. And I feel like he thought that I was gonna ask

to get on it, but honestly, at the time, again, this was like two months before, I was just like, oh, that's cool. This could be the start of a cool era of roasting on Netflix. But then as it got closer, I realized like, no, this could be like the biggest, coolest, craziest thing ever.

So my tone on it just changed. And I didn't just wanna hit up Ross and be like Hey, get me on this. Yeah. Yeah, he knew that you know I'm a great guy for the job if it's live on Netflix who better than the guy that roasts people live every week every week Yeah on a big-ass show in front of a big-ass audience that happens to do arenas Which is where this is being shot a few days before I do it Anyway, plus I've written on the last ten comedy central roast plus I've done crazy roast myself and

So it was kind of like all that mixed together And then I was mentioning it to Joe that Netflix is doing this Tom Brady roast and he goes I'll message Tom Brady You know Joe Really Joe's like I'll message Tom Brady for you I'm like really you do that and he sure enough he does and he says Tony's the best wrote He sent me a screenshot of it Tony's the best roaster in the world You gotta have Tony Hinchcliffe check out this clip of Tony Hinchcliffe. He sent him with me roasting Snoop Dogg It's a good one, and he sent me the picture the screen grab and Brady goes. I'm gonna send this right along looks great and

Still nothing still they weren't budging. Damn. Yep. And yeah, guys. People hate you. I know, it's not as easy. I know, I know, not all of us are fucking darlings like you fucking chubby headed fucks. Anyway, so. We should tell you our story.

I think it'll really frustrate you. I think you hate our story. Oh well. No, I'll tell you when story. I think it'll really frustrate you Well, no, I'll tell you what we're done. I'll do anything like the set. I probably would I'm kidding. I'm kidding I'm kidding you guys phoned it in like an Israeli airstrike I'm joking. I'm joking. Anyway. No, finish it. Wait, finish it. Burt was lip syncing my set and his set at the same time. Tell me. Okay, anyway. Tell, wait.

So this is pretty huge in the fact that the guy who is, the roast is about, who happens to be one of the most powerful, most famous people, is like, I like this guy and still nothing. Right. Which for, you know, for everybody, There's no way anybody could possibly know what they do on these things is they tell you Because Comedy Central did this forever to me they go look. We're not the ones booking it It's the person who's being honored is booking it right so you know if Rob Low or Justin Bieber Alec Baldwin or fuck you yes. Right, which they're not gonna say yes.

Yeah, who? Because they want their favorite comedians that they've seen on the big thing. Right, on the big thing. Anyway, so, still nothing, now we're a few weeks out, but, oh, so they want Dana White for the thing, because Tom loves Dana White, da da da da. So Dana White hits me up right before we tape a random Monday kill Tony and he goes Hey, they want me to do this Tom Brady roast. Can you help me? You're my head roast advisor

I've worked with them before on something where you had to do comedy and I go I go Dana I'm gonna be honest with you, bro. I'm trying to get on this thing It would be huge for me but I'll help you out any way we can like if you want to figure something out yeah but as of right now I'm still trying to get on it but I'll still help you but I kind of like this is like a big one for me yeah and I haven't wanted anything forever literally when I moved to Texas I'm like fuck all of everything fuck everything. I've got everything I wanted now I can make money and have a blast doing my own YouTube show that I have a hundred percent control of no

Network notes. I don't need anything. I can make my own specials drop them on YouTube. I'm so done with Hollywood It's hilarious and I love it It's so freeing not to worry about anything or be greedy or you know what I mean Just want anything. I have what I want even though that sounds corny Shout out to our favorite sponsor true classic for making us fellas look and feel good No matter how we move elevate your style this summer with true classic where timeless pieces meet modern comfort our sponsor True classic is here to help you make it a summer to remember in clothes you will never forget.

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I'm the guy for the job so um and then it gets closer my agent who's fantastic Marty Lee sack at UTA applies the pressure to the CP. He's like this old Timey legend who you know reps Will Ferrell and like I have no, he has, I'm like, I'm like these agents and managers, naughty, youngest kid. They all rep like the cleanest people, Seinfeld, Gaffigan, Nate Bargatze, like all these people that wear suits and like only talk about having grandchildren or whatever. And I'm like their naughty bastard kid that they kind of root for and like, because it's like he's a renegade

He's making this money different ways. It's not you know, whatever anyway He got excited and applied the pressure to You know the people over there at Netflix and then the Dana thing hit Jeff hit Tom Brady hit and this little storm started so it up being, okay, we have an idea for you. Let's do a thing called, and first Jeff warned me, he's like, keep an open mind when we pitch you the idea that we're gonna pitch you over this Zoom call. Which I'm like, oh fuck, here we go.

I'm gonna come out on a unicycle in clown makeup and not get to do a joke. And they're like, we want you to do, we want you to do a thing called kill Tommy and I'm like what? And I'm like trying to play it cool because I'm like are you guys gonna let me brand my podcast on this fucking? Diabolically huge comedy event like this is what I'm thinking They're like yeah And you pull a name out of a bucket and it's gonna be Dana White sitting next to you and it's good for Dana because they'll only have to do a minute and da da da da And I'm like, this is fucking crazy and I go and I get to roast and they're like, well, you know

There's the people at your table that you can make fun of I go you guys want me to make fun of the greatest fighters in the world that haven't been set up or made fun of and Dana White who Runs the only sport that I like sitting next to the octagon for you know fuck up the only Existing good relationship that I love in the world you want me to just light up People at my table like yeah, well you get a minute you could get like a minute like so Dana gets a minute And I get a minute like Can you get like a minute like so Dana gets a minute and I get a minute. I'm like So, you know, I had to fight the entire time up until rehearsal

24 hours before which a rehearsal was just like a blocking They're just seeing how everything looks on camera and me and Dana are sitting there In the long and the short it short version of the story is like, you know I go you guys have got to let me cook here. And I'm like, not arguing with this executive producer lady or Jeff. It's kind of like, you know, I'm kind of like, guys, this is like, I can do this. Let me show you what it would look like. Okay. And one person's like, we see it as a desk piece.

Stay at the table. I'm like, I hear you, but maybe I'm crazy here. This is literally what I said and I saw my boys, Geron Horton and Benji Aflalo, who are two writers for the roast that I got into writing roast jokes, again, a fucking decade ago. So these are like my, it seems like they're working for them,

but they're kinda like my, it seems like they're working for them, but they're kind of like my fucking like interior soldiers that, you know, are, you know, not owe me anything, but we're all fucking homies. Anyway, they walk into this blocking rehearsal. So now I have like numbers a little bit, right? And there's all these stand-ins that are sitting there with your guys' things on the dais. Burt Kreischer and Kevin Hart is some, you know,

different black guys standing there. They're looking for like camera blocking all this shit. And I go, here's what it would look like, all right? So Dana White, da da da da, ba ba ba ba. And then I go, fuck you bitch. And I start walking, right? And I go, here's the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked off from under.

I start showing them jokes, which I didn't do the whole time because you don't want other writers or anybody to hear any of your actual material yeah I mean they could hear your guys's material but I mean my good material I didn't want them to hear any killer jokes because you know it's a sneaky business especially in Hollywood that's why oh one of the many reasons why I got the fuck out is like make your own own shit, save it for you, enough giving it away.

So I wasn't doing any of my jokes during the blocking thing. And they're like, come on Tony, show us what you're gonna do. I'm like, no. How far ahead were you doing, were you prepping the joke? So what's crazy is that I put together a small four person army immediately.

I treated this like I had my own fucking, like I was on the thing, like I was going to do a full set immediately at my giant fucking, you know, office that I have. Anyway, so like I treated it, and maybe it's not necessarily manifestation, but it was extreme preparation. Another place where we differed.

Keep going. Oh, preparation, yeah. Preparation H maybe, am I right, hemorrhoid guys? No, I'm kidding. Anyway, but I really did, and I was obsessed with it, and it was kind of crazy, because I'm like, holy shit, I am only obsessing about this right now, but if it goes good, it'll give me four or five days

to obsess about my show at the Forum, which I had already put a lot of effort into before the roast thing. So it's kind of crazy, because I put all my chips into this roast, which is crazy, because again, I knew I was two hours into the show at this point, because that's important, and I figured that out.

I know that about roasting, because the deeper are you in, the deeper you're in, the more you have to kind of cut or readjust. So you're really dialed into what's happening on stage, right? Super fucking deeper. Did you edit? I think you edited something out. Oh, tons.

No, I'm saying even from Prompto, right? Oh, 100%. I was switching things around. I know, I was switching things around and moving things and sliding in new things and new headers and new sweeteners and even the nice shoes bitch, did you win those in the divorce, the Belichick,

everything that I started with, which is a huge fucking risk, everything that I started with, I wrote at the table. I'm like, okay, nobody's hit that. Randy Moss was begging for a ring Bill Belichick's phone isn't ringing ring ring those shoes the time I was staring at Tom Brady's shoes the whole time because his pant legs were riding high and I'm literally right there Yeah, God, those are some gay fucking shoes. I wonder if they'll zoom in if I hit him on that

Yeah, cuz they were they were not they were like women's boots And by the way, that's another thing you talk about like Especially a risk at the top of the set in that situation first of all I could have fallen up the fucking stairs like it's live anything could go wrong And when I said my opening line that when I did that turn from Dana and I go nice shoes, bitch And I'm fucking making sure I'm not falling up the stairs. Did you win those in the divorce? He goes and I don't think anybody noticed this he goes Yeah I'll shove one of these right up your fucking ass cuz he was not he didn't know who he didn't he must not He said he must not have remembered who the fuck I am or whatever

Oh, he said it in the moment And if you watch that roast if you watch it, you can't really see it there because the pant legs are down But they go high. They're so gay. Yeah, anyway He goes I'll shove it up your ass. And at that moment, like, you'll notice if you rewatch it, like I go, oh,, I should acknowledge it, but it wasn't mic'd, nobody else heard it, it's too early, it could throw off everything.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, let's go, let's go, let's go. Run the ball, run the ball, run the, I always go back to like football or UFC analogies. Anyway, so I ignore that, which is fucking great that I did, because I've made those mistakes before on shit. That's the difference between guys that are doing a roast for the first time and guys like you have been doing it for fucking 15

plus years. Yes, exactly. And again, Keltoni helps. Everything helps. You have to know what to ignore and what to move on. Keep the momentum going. That's a thing for performing regular shows, too When you're, especially when you're doing standup in arenas, sometimes you hear something or see something

and your brain in a moment has to go, is that worth acknowledging? Because you realize 15,000 people didn't see that. Are you gonna derail the show? Exactly. And unless it's like noteworthy, you don't, you let things slide, you know, you have you have to exactly and then all of a sudden People at home are like what the fuck is he talking? Yeah, what are you talking about?

I bet you'd love to do that Tom. Yeah, huh do what that's not the only thing you want to shove up my ass Yeah, what was your next joke right after that after the shoes up the ass? I went straight to because the positioning had changed so like so many things changed originally. I had Kevin Hart's shadow Randy Moss that's not your shadow. That's Randy Moss, but now Gronk was sitting in between or no not Gronk Belichick was sitting in between Gronk and Randy Moss so instead of abandoning that Joe completely I switched it to Gronk Kevin Hart And I wrote the Randy because now I'm like I didn't realize Randy Moss was gonna be next to Bill Belichick because that wasn't in the blocking

thing. Bill Belichick was a special guest came out late so I'm like oh I can go this way so I go Randy Moss crazy that you asked Bill Belichick for a ring you know what else doesn't have a ring Bill Belichick's phone and then I but we for Tom, Aaron Hernandez' stool, and all this stuff, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart. So I was moving now geographically. Can I interrupt? Instead of, yeah. Was it your choice to walk the dais?

Because that was my favorite part. Yeah, so I didn't actually get to finish. When Jaron and Benji and everybody in this rehearsal are coming in and they're like, it's a desk piece, and I'm like, having me sit at coming in and they're like it's a desk piece and I'm like having me sit at this table and Shooting it like that for a minute is like hiring the world's greatest sushi chef to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich You guys have to let me cook I don't even like use like cool slangs like that, but I had heard it recently and I'm like I kind of like that

Like you have to let me cook that someone make cook. Someone made that as a t-shirt. Yep, let me cook. Tony Hinchcliffe, let him cook. Yeah. I fucking agree. And I did, and I said it, and I go, you guys think I'm crazy, but in the director lady who was awesome.

Was directed like 12 years of Saturday Night Live. Exactly, so she was there now too, in this rehearsal. We're going back 24 hours. And I go, call me crazy, but shouldn't it be like this? And I'm up there doing it and I'm moving and I see her like, yeah, cause she has something to do now that isn't just shooting the fucking podium

or shooting straight on. You know, it's like. Mixes it up. Yeah, it breaks up the monotony. And I had to come up with that idea. The best though is that you told me later because when you were done you sat down next to me Mm-hmm and later on you were like, yeah, I was told to go back to my seat, but I fucking decided to sit right here Let them know well actually one of their original ideas was that's what's crazy is they go

It's a desk piece, but when you're done you can go up and sit up on the second level with the players. I'm like, why would I do that? I just look like an intruder or something. I wanna be part of this now. That's so weird. Let me do what I can do and then I'll end up there. And so, you know, so I got it. Cause the director was in and my homies were like,

yeah, that looks great. And Jeff's like, yeah, man, that looks great. So, you know, and you know, no disrespect to Netflix or the EP, because they couldn't have known. No, of course, no. I'm just some fucking rabble rouser that's just shooting my shot.

It could have seemed like I'm gonna go up there and fucking, you know, but everybody looked good in the end. They looked like fuckin' geniuses. Yeah, for sure. But so many switches were happening in the moment. Like if you guys knew, it would boggle your mind. Do you wanna hear about our story? Oh yeah, let's do it.

So they called, and I guess they called Bert first. They're like, hey, we have this idea. We wanna have you guys in the roast. And Bert said, yeah. Without even. 100%, Tom's in too. And they went, well, we haven't reached out to Tom, so you don't need to, we're in. Oh wow.

Yeah, we're in, done. Oh wow. They said we'll pay, I said I don't care. I said how much, they told me, I said, Tom, I get the same? And they said, yeah, we're in. Oh my God. And he called me, he's like, hey, we're doing the roast. We're doing the roast. And he went, absolutely fucking not. I said, Tom, I get the same? I said, yeah, we all were in. Oh my God. He called me, he was like, Hey, we're doing the roast.

We're doing the roast. And he went, absolutely fucking not. I said, no. I said, Tom, light lift, light lift. I said, I knew two things. I knew one is, and it was very clear to me when we got on the dais is that not every football player was familiar with any of us comics. And I was like, and not any of the comics

have anything that you can make fun of. I'm definitely a good target. Oh yeah. So I was like, I know that's why I got the offer initially was like, yo, we've seen you get, there's a lot to make fun of you about. I didn't realize how much I was bringing to the table to be made fun of.

I didn't know how much I was gonna make fun of myself authentically on accident. But I was like, that's cool, I'm in for that, I'll get lit up. I'm not good at roast jokes, I'm not good at making fun of people. And Jeff knew that, and Jeff's like, well, we wanna do something different.

Tom's still like, I'm not doing it. Right, I was like, no. Smart. Uh, you were right. I was like, they're like, well, we want to, we want to break up. It was, I guess sort of a version of what you, what happened with you. They were like, we want to do something different. Yeah. We want to do the two of you. And I was like, and then we both, I thought,

I go, you want us to go both, go to the podium together. And they're like, no, just like a, almost like a variety piece, right? Maybe a screen. At first, it was like pitched as like pitched as a sports center thing. So when they pitched that one, we were like, I don't know, man, making fun of it in a sports center way. So then we pitched this idea about making fun of him with whiteness, being a psycho, and they're like, oh yeah, no one's doing that angle yet.

Sent them a script, they send their script, like their punch-up script, combine the two. Yeah, you're like, that's good enough. Kinda. That's great. I'll tell you what, I will say. There's no reason to work on this anymore, it's just the most watched thing ever.

First and foremost, first and foremost, all you should be saying is thank you Bert and Tom. Cause without us, it is a bunch of people doing the exact same thing. Right. We broke up, we definitely thank you again, Carnation. It was a comedy up until you guys started, then you guys got to really change the tone a bit.

It doesn't make everybody appreciative of laughter. I had no idea. I told him this. I'm still living in oblivion. I had a blast. I think we did great. I've not met one person that did not like what we did. No, of course.

I don't read comments because there's like, it's like what are you gonna shit on someone who didn't maybe do as well as you or Nikki? That's the thing. Right, of course. It's like what it is as well as you and Nikki who were next level. It was next level. You celebrate, if your team wins and you were on the dais,

all you do is go, that was fun and fun as shit. Look, it's like when you see a boxer or a wrestler attempt, the UFC, it's the, you could be an Olympic gold medalist, stand up comedian, and you go into that world where Nikki has that much experience and I so much. Yeah, we were doing this. Peter Shore, the owner of the Comedy Store is doing a mini documentary behind the scenes about kill Tony going to Madison Square Garden. It just so happened that we're

staying at the same hotel in LA and he's shooting this thing from the driver's seat, me on the way to the roast. And I give this weird analysis just looking out the window, I kind of forget that he's there, I'm just talking to my team, kind of like talking out a meditative like as corny as this sounds like steak because it's jokes, who cares? But anyway, and I literally called what was going to happen because I know this world so well Yeah, and I knew the order of events and I literally go it's gonna be a fucking Smoke show the first 20 30 minutes. I go the energy is gonna be insane It's gonna be beautiful. Tom's gonna look great. It's gonna be intimidating, he's gonna be taller than everybody remembers, he's gonna be cooler than everybody thinks, and Jeff and Nikki are going to light the place on fire. I go

especially, I mean Jeff, we know what he's going to do. So Jeff can't have a breakout performance because he's Jeff, he's done it, he is a breakout performance. Nikki, and I go Nikki is going to decimate the room and everybody is going to be playing catch up. So me two hours in after everybody and their mother and every special guest has to fucking just know that that's going to happen. I can't be like, oh, when there's no catching up to that.

It's like a mentality thing. I'm gonna ask you a very fucked up question. Okay. But I've wondered this. Uh-huh. If you had put Schultz in Nikki's spot, would everyone be talking about Schultz and not Nikki? If you would have put Nikki in Schultz's spot. And Schultz in Nikki's. It's a flow thing. If you look at Nikki's style, which

It's a flow thing if you look at Nikki style Which she stayed consistent throughout her roasting career if you look at her style. She does this Continuity thing she does this thing where she goes bird. I love your joke Baa, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba punchline. Baa, ba ba punchline. Baa, ba ba punchline, and it's just Continuous and it she's so good. You gotta you gotta hand it to Kevin because he can't reach it I'm short which I love if you look, you know I'm like known in the writers room for sending in eight word jokes Where's so many people you can see you can we used to do this thing, right? All the writers say this fucking 12 16 writers or whatever

Everybody sends in all their jokes a writer's assistant compiles them and then we read them in the room and all laugh, right? You could see where my jokes start you can tell yeah, because it's these fucking Where everybody else has like, you know three lines or a paragraph or whatever the fuck it is. Sometimes two lines, whatever. And if I have a long one, if I have a long one in my clump, it's like the Burt, Little Tiger King, Libber King, da da da da da da da. People are like, what the fuck is that?

Such a great joke. But I'm obsessed with short jokes. It's one of the reasons why Jeff and I clung together immediately. He's like, what the fuck? Peter, make me another drink, please. So, it's not about who's right. I'm not taking away from Nikki.

I'm not taking away from Nikki, because Nikki, look, I've known Nikki 20 years. She is fucking, when I stood backstage and I saw, first of all, she was like 6'4 on that outfit. She looked stunning. My eye was drawn to her out of all those people. And I was like, oh all she was like 6'4". Yeah. In that outfit. Yeah. She looked stunning. Oh yeah. My eye was drawn to her out of all those people.

Oh yeah. And I was like, oh she's gonna fuck, she is walking in. She was there to eviscerate. Undeniable. It was also a flawless set. It was a perfect set. Oh, exactly.

Flawless. So my point is, is like it's not who's funnier or necessarily position, it's a battle of styles. Schultz had, you know, it's like a reload. You know, he's like a reload. He's moving on. Does this make sense? There's breaks in the momentum.

And this person's here, da da da da da da da boom. And it's great, and it's huge punchlines. And then it's a reset. Right, it's a reset. So the momentum breaks, he's restarting on somebody else. I thought he was great. Me, Schultz, and Tom were all sitting together, and after Nicky, all of us were like, holy fuck man

This is like this is it's gonna be a tough hill to climb. Oh exactly and but Schultz I think Schultz was masterful. He was so fucking totally totally. I almost I would argue he is not brought I'm why as and look you and Nikki owned that evening I have nothing I have no flowers to take other than to give but I do believe that people are understating no one's really talking about how Grace Schultz was and look as a stand-up comedian and I love Andrew he three hours in this motherfucker goes out up after everyone has ringed this goddamn

thing dry and still crushes. People should be writing about him going like this dude had the fucking he was the fucking last dude in the orgy and his dick was still rock hard and he blew a load in her and he kissed her on the lips. Oh 100% no he was great and now I'm hard. But it's really you know another thing is that with Nick the way Nicky writes and connects it all, like a model train almost, like it's like, it all flows. And if you look at her old roasts, like if you see an old clip of the things she's done before,

she's doing that there. She's so good. This was so amplified. This will probably make some people crazy, maybe make me crazy. A few nights later, I was at the forum for my show Yeah, Netflix executives came by that show talking about the roast asked if I wanted to be involved in the next roast Oh, wow, and that's after that set damn. They didn't even ask me that that's how I created

I am by the industry. Yes, you guys went out there and did what you did and you're already being invited to the next one Yeah, it isn't even booked yet. Yeah, I fucking decimate and I have no idea what's going on. Well, we'll see if we can put a word in for you. Yeah, that's the thing. Hey, Tony, would you? I'll send you a screen grab of the text I sent. I can't wait. Tony, yeah, if you want, you can write for us.

Yeah. But I didn't even get to tell you guys, like one of the coolest parts of the thing from my story just to let you know what an underdog I was. Yes is in the final thing. It was like, OK, you can roam the stage, but let's keep it to two minutes, two minutes, which is like crazy. It's like five jokes with applause breaks.

Yeah. You know, I know that I have the all hell-naws up my sleeve Which I watched you I watched I watched you cut off your applause breaks. Yeah. Yeah And I was a thing but you would they would start clapping and you go hit that and And get it cuz I was like I was like, oh he's running this Yeah And for the 17 people that are excited about the technical side of roasting that I'm talking about Here's a crazy fun fact is that it was only on that day before the day before

in which I had this like breakthrough because I'm a stoner. Most people don't know because I don't like make up my identity or anything. You know what I mean? But I smoke blondes all the time. And like I was just kind of chilling and I had this like moment where I'm like wait a second Every other comedian is going to be going off of arena timing. They're going to want to look good They're going to want to get applause breaks. They're going to want to soak it in they're giving me a shorter set than Everybody else and I'm other than Jeff the roastiest comedian that has anything to do with this thing.

So I am going to hit the fucking gas pedal. You did. And I'm going to play for the people that are watching at home, or the people that are screen grabbing it for the internet. I'm gonna play towards them. And since I'm two hours in, like I couldn't do that early on, right?

Yeah. In Mickey's spot or else it would seem like, ah, this guy's like. It's too rapid fire. Right, exactly, what's he doing? Does he have a problem? Anyway, so like, I had this moment and I ran it by Whitney Cummings at a brunch the day before.

I go, let me ask you something, she's a fucking gangster genius. And I go, I think I'm gonna play this thing like fast and hard, because I'm two hours in, she's like, that's exactly it. You have to fucking make it yours, go over the top.

I'm like, yeah, that sounds right. And it was my secret weapon. I watched your pacing on that. And it was, you know, look, Tom said this, Tom gave you this compliment behind your back. They were talking about, were saying, like, how great was that, Rose? How great was Tony Hinchcliffe in that way? Tom's like, you know, we've watched this guy cook his entire life.

And he's like, we've watched this guy be a monster his entire career. We knew he had that ability. I don't think we just got to watch him shine to everyone the way he's always shined to us right and it was a bunch of very important people and everyone's like really and Tom's like man that guy did exactly what he does every single fucking night he just got the platform to do it on and it was like what it felt like to me again I always make corny UFC analogies because it's my other favorite thing but like And this is obnoxious to say

But it really felt like my like nate diaz versus connor moment where everybody was shocked except for me And even I was fucking like when kevin hart that moment You remember that moment where of course he's going on and on for a minute 30 seconds and I turned to you and that Was real by the way, I wasn't kidding, I literally go, is he still talking about me? And you go, yes. And I remember your face like, yeah, dude, this is your fucking moment right now.

Well then Tony turned to me, he goes, I've arrived. I said that? Yeah, and you go, and now everybody knows. I said, you know what's so funny? What you did is, I will say, is bigger than a Netflix special. It feels that way. It is.

I mean, it was bigger than a Netflix special. What Nikki did, and Nikki eclipsed everyone. Oh yeah. And I'm saying the two takeaways were you and Nikki. That was it, that was was it for the whole night And I think it goes understated how brilliant Kevin Hart was yeah, Kevin Hart was he was fine. I got Set the stage he set the energy doesn't get talked about because he's like a superstar He does all this shit and yeah, you know the jokes are like he does everything

But watching him just as the host of that and the energy and the, he was fantastic. Oh him and, it's the Jeff Ross effect, right? It's like you're so used to them doing that that it's not that big of a deal. But without them, it is a shit show. Jules killed it, Grant killed it. Yeah, he made that thing. All you, I said to Tom,

because Tom and I thought we were gonna absolutely bomb. We did. And we said that to each other, we're like, we're about to eat a dick, it's gonna be bad. And I remember I kissed him and I said, buddy, if we die, we die together. That's so great. Because I'm cool dying next to him, I'm cool with it.

He said one time, we were talking about cancel culture, I remember, I don't know if he said on a podcast or he said to me privately, and he said, let them go after my buddy, wait till you see what I burn down. And I was like, okay, I got that for you then. If we die, we die together. I will tell you, I don't give a fuck what anyone says on the internet.

We didn't die, we had a great time, and we sat down confident, we're like, whoo, dodge the bullet. The internet's gonna decide to hate whatever they wanna hate. I don't really give a fuck about the other people. You guys are ballin' out of control. Of course they're gonna hate.

It was kind of funny though, because even though it wasn't fever pitch, your guys, we were getting laughs throughout of control. Of course they're gonna hate. It was kind of funny though, because even though it wasn't fever pitch, your guys, we were getting laughs throughout this bit. Of course. So we sat down, Tom Brady was like, that was great. After the Netflix people, the after party, I had to call him. I go, do you know that online, they're like,

you guys ate shit? And I was like, I had no idea. But I made this point on other podcasts, especially about the non-comics, meaning like the athletes, Kim Kardashian, she's a great example, and Ben Affleck. Kim Kardashian gets up there and she's getting booze, right? But what she does is she stays unflustered,

stays in the pocket, keeps on prompter. And eventually, the jokes, she got to jokes that won the crowd over and they ended up applauding and you're like wow she went from there like we hate you, to they gave her props. Ben went up there and I don't know if it was a panic thing or what but it just went yeah it went off the rails. No it was weird that that whole that whole thing was just bizarre Yeah, the Ben part was goofy, but I chose it ain't easy. I think it shows you it ain't easy I also think that um because we didn't know he was there. I don't know if you knew we didn't know he was there

I heard a rumor that he might be there So I had a couple things up my sleeve, but there was also like You know you had a daughter that just came out as trans. No. Did you know that? No. Yeah. She's like, I'm a man. These batmen are so stupid.

So stupid. Catch me doing that at the next multimedia roast of Tom Pree. No, the thing is they told us he was back there later on with writers up until I think he went on, which tells you that you're making last minute changes, which probably are changes that he's suggesting. Exactly. Which is very dangerous. What's the problem is that,

well, and I think, you know, once again, I always go back to the writers because they're Mike Gibbons, Mike Lawrence. I'm thinking of the two Mikes, but. Monsters. They all know so much more than we do. Oh yeah. And sometimes if you don't, I mean look,

I see Mike Lawrence and I go, tell me what to say. He gave me the Hitler joke on the day of. He was like, you know, Hitler stuck with his wife until the end. And I was like, oh, awesome. Like I know he is a better comic than I am Yeah, he is just that guy's brain writer than mine writer If he took his shirt off and got drunk, he might be having like a better career than me, but uh

but um Listen I'm likeable I get it but uh But I think that's the problem when you get these superstars in there where they go, I know what I'm doing. And I'm not gonna listen to Mike Lawrence or Mike Gibbons or all the great writers that are attached to that.

Which is a very movie star thing to do. I got it. I can't shit on Ben Affleck. No, I'm not shitting on him. I just think that's a decision thing. If he was making adjustments to a camera angle or a movie or something like that, that would make sense.

If it was a script. What did you think of his angle? Do you think that angle could have been funny? It was stupid. In fact, it stepped on what Tom was about to do later. Somebody should have made huge adjustments to that. That's where a network executive should have been like, wait a second, this is kinda like talking about

internet trolls. I'll tell you what I think is almost the thing there is that Ben Affleck is a super sharp guy. And I think you can, a really smart person who's really creative, you can get into overthinking these things, whereas the regular joke writer, roast writer is like, here you go and they go I Want to elevate this more? It's like it's overdoing the bit and I think that's really why it didn't

It also just takes tons and tons and tons of experience doing that like even my set going back to it again like it's like Being raised in an all-black neighborhood and doing every single black show that I could do when I was in L.A. All the tripping on Tuesdays, the crack them up Thursdays, the Mo better Mondays, the chocolate Sundays. Like there's all these different things. They call Wednesday. Uh, we hate white Wednesday. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Yeah but All of that put together all of the risks that I took in each one of those shows

Was applied to what can I get away with? Okay, so I'm calling Kevin Hart a shadow to Gronkowski, I'm saying that Kevin Hart Is so small that when his ancestors picked cotton, they called it dead lifting. I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right there on the line. Yeah. Yeah. Right up against it. And then there's definitely some of the athletes on stage that were like, yeah, oh, well, what's amazing. And again, the fucking director got him blanking out Judy or Beth or Beth, right? I my god she fucking got this shit and it could

have backfired but we did the goddamn dance. Yes yes yes. Beth McCarthy Miller killed it. So for example when I'm doing the cotton picking Kevin Hart joke she literally has two black offensive linemen from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers over each one of my shoulders and I they're literally like they have their drinks and shit one of them does at least and I go Kevin Hart is so small that when his ancestors pick cotton and at that part you see them both go like and like one's taking a sip like that like literally they're in over my shoulders flanking me and when I hit the dead lifting part you see them both like one goes that way and one goes that way laughing and it's like,

woo, thank God. How many of those, did you have shows, I imagine those shows you're talking about coming up where you took a risk like that and it just went horrifically wrong? So many, so many. I had one where fucking... I went off on this one guy in an all-black show,

like I mean, the super black show. They used to do this thing in a movie theater, at the Egyptian movie theater, and I mean, it was like gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang gang Gang Gang Gang, LA Gang Gang Gang Gang, super Gang Gang show. I cannot describe to you how dangerous this show was. But I was like one of three token white guys that were in their rotation for this thing because I would go for it. And one night this guy, I do a Michael Jackson pedophile joke and some guy with a big fucking grill

and you know, just, you can picture it stands. I'm he goes you don't make fun of Michael Jackson fuck you, homie And I go fuck you you broke bitch and like I'm I just start going in on him in the crowd boom I'm smashing this guy right, but I got there late and then had to run to the Comedy Store So I don't know who anybody in the place is I go look at your tin foil bitch ass grill run to the comedy store. So I don't know who anybody in the place is. I go, look at your tin foil bitch ass grill. Sit down you fucking broke ass bitch. You spent all your money on the outfit

you wore out tonight. The crowds just roaring. And they were roaring a little bit too loud, but I didn't really notice why I didn't think anything of it. And I'm running late to my spot at the comedy store. I get a call from my manager on speaker phone and I take it. I go, what's up? I just had a fun set at the comedy store, I get a call from my manager on a speaker phone and I take it, I go, what's up?

I just had a fun set at the black show. And he goes, yeah, did you just completely annihilate ASAP Rocky? I'm like, oh, fuck. Is that who that was? And they're like, yep, I just got a call from one of my assistants saying that ASAP Rocky is like mad but happy but mad.

I'm like, oh shit. Dude, this is the thing. There's two questions I have to ask. But one is I find really interesting and I find it interesting now that your name's being brought up to me so often is I don't think people know who you are. I think when people think of you,

they think of Hollywood, LA, move to Austin, embrace the Austin, outlaw, whatchamacallit, but it all stems from you growing up, and I didn't even realize this, in a rough part of Ohio. Oh yeah, the roughest. And I don't think, Youngstown, I didn't understand how rough it was, because you don't look like that. Exactly, and I don't sound like it.

That's why one of my least favorite things in the world are white people that try to sound black, that were raised in all black neighborhoods because it's like you don't have to do that. That's weird. Because no one, I swear to God, I wish I could show you like video like like fucking Google Maps 3d like my neighborhood was so

Diabolically insane that it's unbelievable to the human eye like if we made a movie about it No one would believe it. No one would believe that's what the coolest thing about you Is that like and so but that's where the fearlessness begins so what's crazy is that by the time I hit the cotton picking and by the time I hit the, you know, this, the that, the fearlessness with him, I moved to Sam Jay, black, obese, lesbian, so Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. Now I hit them once in the ribs, right? Mr. Two Minute Set, stay at the desk.

We didn't want him here anyway, right? Yeah, just one little one little yeah, and So I was actually That all hell-naws joke which I knew the second it clicked in my head like I was actually this sounds crazy, but I was getting a massage at the time and I sounds crazy, but I was getting a massage at the time. And I trap a lot of shit in my shoulders. This is a weird like braggadocious stupid thing. But like the masseuse had her fucking elbow right in here. And I'm trying to think of a Sam Jay joke.

And I'm like, okay, black lesbian, come on, Tony. You've got this, you've got this. So what do they do? They eat pussy, right? But what do black women say? What do black women say? Aw, hell nah. And I'm like, oh my God,

nah, nahs, nahs on it. She doesn't eat pussy, she aw hell nahs on it. And I stop the massage. And I'm literally like, I gotta, I'm sorry, I have to get up. And I get my face out of my, you know what I mean? Like your face is swollen, you can't even open your eyes and shit. And I'm writing like, I gotta, I'm sorry, I have to get up and I get my face out of my, you know what I mean? Like your face is swollen,

you can't even open your eyes and shit. And I'm writing this down and I tell the masseuse, this perfect little like sweet, innocent, right? Bull of a chick that fucking goes crazy on my upper back. I go, I just wrote a joke about a black lesbian. I said, she doesn't eat pussy, she all hell-naws on it. And I've never she's like And she's not that type of person like hysterically crack up and I'm like, oh fuck

This is like a crazy joke like it's different than it's a great joke It's fucking you got to go for it. You have to believe in if you I mean another super technical thing is I take a few Steps out. I mean, another super technical thing is I take a few steps out. I saw a Drake concert like eight months ago, which was amazing, and I kept noticing that he would do this thing where he would go right up to the edge of the stage at times. He's on a box in the round, and on big things

and on big lines, it almost looked like his foot was hanging off, and it's a high stage, extra high stage too, and it would look like he was and it's a high stage extra high stage, too And it would look like he was about to fall off and I loved it Sometimes I'll see like a great concert or something and I'll be like, oh, that's rock. Yeah roll That's good So I started kind of applying that to the big theaters stand-up shows that I was doing and on the all hell-naws joke I was so excited and I looked down

I almost fell off the fucking stage live on Netflix cuz I took a few steps up I go she doesn't eat pussy. She ah Like I mean I literally stepped out for almost alive on Netflix in the middle of a killer set almost Disappeared out of the real quick before we wrap up. How happy is your mom for all she's ecstatic She's absolutely fucking she came on your mom's house Yeah, ten years ago or something. Oh, she was like one of my favorite things. Oh, yeah, she loves you guys. She she Talks about that all the time, but she's must be elated for your success. Oh, it's absolutely insane She's like my doctor and the ladies at the she knows she's 78. Yeah

She's like I went to my doctor's appointment. all the ladies are like, are you Tony's mom, he killed it, blah, blah, blah. That's awesome. Like everywhere she goes, which is like there, that's where 78 year olds go, to the doctor's office for their hangs. All right, one more question. One more question.

And this is maybe a useless question. You've been doing standup how long? 17 years. 17 years. I've been doing it 22 maybe how long? 17 years. 17 years. I've been doing it 22 maybe? 23? Maybe 25. Which is another crazy thing. Sorry to interrupt you for a change. K-Bucks a bitch. But no, that week, this crazy week that I had was my 17 year anniversary of starting stand-up at the Comedy Store

and my 3 year anniversary of my cancellation. All in the same crazy ass week that I had in LA, which was pretty crazy fucking nuts. Staple Center, two forums, YouTube theater, and I got to basically call my shot at the Comedy Store, like the highest level that you dream of as a door guy, being able to be the special guest pop in and be like, I want to go now. Which, you know, I only was doing my normal set, like a good human, but, you know, it was just a very surreal week of hitting the,

you know, that's like it. Yeah, I've shared a lot of moments with you privately that I don't mind sharing, that, but in saying that I know your struggle, I know where you have been, I remember when the fucking cancel thing happened. I remember when you were not the hot ticket item. I remember you getting in trouble for shit

you sat on a plane with Joe one time. I remember all that. You were there, you were the only person that was there the day I did my first paid regular spot. You were the only person, you pulled me aside and you said, I know this is a big moment for you. You brought me out and it was, and we shared that privately.

We had a shot together. So I know you. How tough is it with these kids that are doing Kill Tony that are now all of a sudden so famous doing these arena shows and they're very talented. Cam Patterson, I took him on the road. He's one of the most enjoyable human beings to be around. His dad is fucking amazing.

All the time, on stage, off stage, at restaurants, on the trip, everywhere. But how do you keep it measured for them to let them know, yo, you still just started? This is a long career, and you're getting so fucking, what's the kid that moves around, Rockin' Rodney or something? Yeah, Casey Rocket.

Casey Rocket, I mean he's fucking, he's so fun to watch, but how do you, do you talk to them like Joe talked to us or to keep the measure to go, hey, you're just starting and there's gonna be a long career and it's not always gonna be as fire hot as it is right now and like, because that's the most fascinating thing. It's the secret sauce to my life. It's the thing that actually keeps everything in balance.

I don't have kids, I don't have a wife. So as corny as this this sounds they kind of are my You know not children, but fucking sort of I love comedy so much I live it and breathe it and so My favorite thing is to tell them everything that I know you know kill Tony is It's it's it's actually modeled after kill Bill which is actually modeled after Kill Bill, which is like training assassins. That was the original idea of the name behind it. Let's fucking kind of help people and teach them everything that we know and be fearless

and work with the funniest people we know. And if you're good, you get a golden ticket. If you're great, if you're unbelievable, you're a fucking regular. Cam got regularship after one set. It's unprecedented on that show for me to go, you know what? You're so good. I want to see a new 60 seconds from you every single week. It is such a hard position

He's the youngest ever regular. He's the greenest regular He had only been doing it in Austin a couple months when he was made a regular He was doing it in Tampa couple I think a year and a half or two years something crazy and so like, you know to work with the funniest people You know and to get to help them and truly help them I mean I tell them all the same thing you have to write write write write write write don't waste your energy on bullshit And don't do a ton of other people's podcasts

They're all gonna try to suck the energy out of you wait to do the big podcast if you want to promote yourself because Everybody gets hit up immediately if you have a good set on Kill Tony, you get invited to 30 Austin, not open micers, but whatever podcasts. I give them all the advice that I can, which is all trickle down from Joe, which I think goes for all of us. Joe created this paradigm where you share

all the information. Absolutely. If Kill Tony was 20 years ago, it would be a shit show. That kid Cam, we did an arena in Portland, Maine, and during my set he went and did two open mics. Yeah, they're crazy, that's what they do. Came back, his dad was there, his dad's like, you should be hanging out.

And he's like, no, I gotta get on stage. I was like, that's the fucking hunger, man. You can't, it's awesome. That's what they do, and that's how I was. I was a fucking nut. My boy Toby, who just moved here to be a bartender here, he was a former bartender at the Comedy Store, reminded me the other day.

He goes, dude, I was telling somebody about your work ethic. They were talking shit. They were saying, I don't know how Tony got this or that or whatever. I go. Let me tell you something Tony He's from Chicago. I'm a bad impressionist But anyway, he goes Tony used to fucking when I was a door guy at the store He goes Tony used to get on the fucking tour buses that would pull up in front of the store and go Hey, I'm gonna do three minutes

And I he reminded me of that. I used to do that. Like if it was before a shift or whatever and the TMZ bus came up and they had a microphone on the thing. So I would go right up there and I go, hey, how's everybody doing? I had some bad jobs in my day.

I used to be a bus boy and a bag boy. Like all these corny shit, terrible fucking beginner level jokes. But it was work. I was getting better. and that's how they all are and I share that with them I go if you guys want to go bomb at an open mic after fucking doing a sold out theater with me feel free they've been doing that the whole time Hans Kim him William Casey they just can't get enough they have insatiable appetites

for growth and if they get one little tag or one little thing, all of a sudden that's 15, 20 seconds out of next week's minute that they've chipped away at. So, you know, Kill Tony, you get to actually watch these people grow. And, you know, everybody in-house loves them when they see their long sets. And people can nitpick, you know, at their minutes on Kill Tony,

but never ever, ever in the history of comedy have you gotten to watch somebody's actual growth. You're getting to watch them put together their brand. Cam's new minutes are always fucking good. Bro, he is so. Kacey Rockets is fucking awesome. William and Hans, all the people you have on, David Lucas is a monster.

There's so many fucking great, you're so good for comedy comedy the thing we love the most and and look at all fish stinks at the head Joe Rogan created a paradigm for us to give oh yeah and and you man I'm I'm so happy for your success genuinely happy thank you when you kill us I was like that's what yeah told you, I was very proud of you, man. Oh yeah, that was amazing. You helped me settle back in, the adrenaline from that, because it was kind of like, I don't know, eight mile-ish, my moment, right?

Just letting go and letting all the work do it for me. And being there with you, and I looked out in the crowd and I saw, it was like a blur, as corny as that sounds like I looked out in the crowd and I saw it was like a blur as corny as that sounds because I've done arenas and I've done stand up in the round at Madison Square Garden and all these places with Joe and my own big giant theaters but there was something about all of that coming together live on Netflix. Awesome to see and we're super happy for you personally for the podcast too. Also we will call you on the next roast. Yeah, I'm gonna help you guys out

I'll do the same fucking set Same fucking set. Thank you can suck my dick America The world it's global bird. It's the whole world. We'll see you next time. Thanks guys. Thank you Thank you. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.