2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - We're Being Replaced! (For The Summer) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

SPONSORS: - Order on DoorDash and save big during Summer of DashPass. Sign up today! DashPass benefits apply only to eligible orders. Terms apply. - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears - Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at https://BlueChew.com! And we’ve got a special deal for our listeners: Try your first month of BlueChew FREE when you use promo code BEARS -- just pay $5 shipping. - If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, download the free e-book “Navigating Global Trade: 3 Insights for Leaders” at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS - Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/cave Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show! This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer reunite in sunny California for a jam-packed episode full of FOMO, fatherhood, and flaming hot air balloon disasters. The bears talk about Tom’s California vacation and getting into surfing with his boys. They dig into wild parenting comparisons, Luis J. Gomez’s insane training routines, and Bert feeling FOMO for Andrew Schulz’s perfect summer life on Instagram. Tom then drops major news about shooting a new Netflix movie called El Tigre, which leads to Bert sharing his own plans for filming the series Free Bert in Atlanta. With both Bears tied up all summer, they announce special "Summer Bears" episodes and name the two hosts Chris Distefano and Stavros Halkias. Things get political (kind of) as Bert and Tom debate who should talk about world issues—spoiler alert: it’s not them. Bert then rants about the sheer terror of hot air balloons and Tom tells another legendary Top Dog tale about how he diverted a plane so he could take a piss. Buckle up—it’s a bumpy (and hilarious) ride. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 296 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:40 - Father FOMO 00:05:07 - The Summer Bears 00:16:45 - FaceTiming Chrissy D 00:20:16 - The Middle Class Of Comedy 00:33:09 - Bert Explains Global Politics 00:39:48 - Hot Air Balloons Are Sketch 00:49:29 - Crazy Plane Stories 01:00:17 - Helicopters 01:06:45 - Uber Driver Smackdown Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100%. Summer bears. Summer bears are here. We like to get queer. The summer bears. What song is that? It's summer guys. It's summertime. Tommy is back in his home state living here full time. He left Texas. The boys are going to be raised soft. Pronouns. Shit like that. Yeah. Your boys are going to see Rogan's girls and they're going to be more manly than your boys. I love that you're back here and you just left Texas and

you don't live there at all. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. It's a warm welcome back. I like my summer attire. How great is it? Waking up, surfing with the boys. That was awesome today. Did this push go out? She did not go out with us. She met us there, but she was doing something, so she met us there, but it was really fun.

It was fun to, the little dudes, dude, little dudes don't struggle to pop up on a board at all. They're just like, boop, they're just up. The guy told me, cause we went out with an instructor, cause I was like, damn, they got up right away. He goes, dude, if you go down to Huntington Beach, he goes, you will see six and seven-year-olds that are doing stuff that you see like pro surfers do.

Because those kids get on a board when they're like three. So by the time they're seven, he's like, they're unbelievable. Dude, keep them doing this. Yeah, I know. How cool would it be if we had grown, I mean, I grew up, I grew up surfing, but not like, not like as a child where you pick it up initially and then you'll never forget it. I know, I grew up surfing, but not like as a child

where you pick it up initially and then you'll never forget it. I know, I know. We've been going like multiple times a week. So what are other things? Like today, I gotta say this, Luis J. Gomez is one of the most fascinating guys in the entire world.

He is such a fucking anomaly of a human being. He trains professionally to fight and he has no fights lined up every day. He has been teaching his son to box his whole life. Yeah today I'm watching his son hit gloves his son is a grown man, by the way five eight eleven years old Okay fucking a man a man And he is Fucking Lewis is calling out combos and he's like ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

What other things can we do with these boys ears? What's this? What other things can we do with these boys ears? What's this? What other things? Like this is so cool. If they grow up surfing, the rest of their fucking life, they will surf. They will just go to Hawaii Tom and go surf. That's it.

I mean, it's awesome. Like, well, you know, Alice loves jujitsu. So he's bumped up a couple belts already. Like he's been really progressing in that. And then Julian loves drums, so he plays drums like crazy. And he's got such great rhythm and a great ear. Did our dads not love us? I don't know.

He's like, he was telling the surf instructor, he's like, you like David Bowie? And the instructor's like, do I like David Bowie? He's like, yeah. He's like, do you? He's like, well, yeah, man. He's like, he was like David Bowie? He's like, yeah. He's like, do you? He's like, well, yeah, man. Like he's like, he was really ahead of his time. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, he's so into it. It's hilarious. Dude, what? I'm having, you know, I told you this downstairs, but I'm having real FOMO. Yeah, for like parenting stuff. Dude, Sebastian's and fucking Corsica with his kids. His wife, did you see Sebastian's wife doing a handstand

on the edge of an infinity pool? No. I almost wanted to hit my wife and go, you can't do anything. Pull up Sebastian's wife. Fucking Lana is doing a goddamn handstand. I'm gonna say casually, you know, everyone knows Lana's gorgeous,

but she looks fucking incredible. Look at her. It's pretty nuts. She's doing a fucking handstand. Leanne couldn't even stand on the edge of an infinity pool Yeah, you should definitely look at that Here's what this is why fucking Instagram needs to shut down. I'm looking at this now go to fucking Andrew Schultz Look at this. Look at this. Look at a great clean clothes. No stains. No ice cream stains. No ice creams. Look, he's got the kids He's got the little dad bag. He's got the golf cart. They're on a goddamn boat. Yes, awesome fucking boat She looks amazing

Go fucking look at that little fun kid car hotel du cap Maybe we shouldn't tell them where we stand. Well, it's on the Instagram. Oh, yeah, it's on this room Now go to Andrew Schultz. Look at this fucking in a beef up go to no We shouldn't tell them where we're staying. All right. It's on the Instagram. Oh yeah. It's on Instagram. Now go to Andrew Schultz. Look at this fucking in Ibiza. Go to no, no, I don't know why this there's all promo stuff. Get out of here. Get out of here.

Is he have two accounts? Oh, well, nevermind. Oh, go to his stories. Go to his stories. Go to his stories. Go to his stories. Okay. Look at that beautiful little girl Ibiza, Spain.

Oh yeah. I haven't been to Ibiza. Ibiza. Go to the next one. Look at this. Oh yeah, Spain. Oh yeah. Ibiza. Ibiza. Go to the next one. Look at this. Oh yeah, man. Just a bunch of fucking New York Jews swimming in the ocean.

Having a good time. Don't even care about Gaza. Yep. And then look at this. Fucking great food. Oh yeah. Look at cocktails in the afternoon. No one's counting drinks.

Look at Dove. He's filling on his shirt like a regular American. This is killing me. And then of course he's got a snorkel on. This guy doesn't belong in the ocean, but the fish, he's panicked. This is New York for you. He's like, the fuck?

I'm gonna get the piranhas. He's scared. The piranhas. Is that Dove? And then look at this. Everyone's young and beautiful. The kid's got a nanny. Kid's going, taking a nap and they're partying balls.

They're having a great time, man.'re in there singing Neil Diamond in Ibiza. What an authentic Spanish and experience But look at this. I'm having such fucking FOMO Tommy. Well, you can take a vacation. No, I can't Well, that's true. I can't I can't well actually both really have to stop soon because it's probably a good time to mention Well, actually, we both really have to stop soon because it's probably a good time to mention that we both have huge obligations this summer that are going to take us away from vacations and anything else. I'm only here right now to film some episodes to go back to work. They're going back to work. I'm already just saying what you're doing.

I'm living in Atlanta this summer for Yes two months shooting a television show for Netflix It's called freebert. It's you can find the write-up on I'm not gonna tell you about it I hope you enjoy it, but it's and you I'm not I can you tell this can you say what you're doing? Yeah now I can so it's such a I've always said It's such a weird business where they're always like don't say anything I've always said it's such a weird business where they're always like, don't say anything. Okay, and then they publish an article and then they're like, okay, now you can talk.

Okay, but anyway, so at this point it's already out. So I'm shooting a movie this summer and we're shooting in New Mexico. It's called El Tigre. Can I talk a little bit about the movie? Because obviously we're trying to figure out our schedules for the summer and we're both working with people that, you know, Tom's making a big fucking movie.

And I said to someone, they're like, what's happens with Two Bears? And we're like, we have no idea. Because you're in New Mexico, I'm in Atlanta, and we don't have the kind of, I mean this for real, we don't have the kind of budgets where we can just go, let's take privates and meet each other in Austin. No, it's crazy.

We're really kind of just trying to get shit done. Yeah. And they're like, what's Tom doing? And I go, I don't fucking, some movie. You know how I don't listen. Yeah, yeah. And then I go, it's fucking like El Tigre or something, and all of a sudden everyone's ears perked up.

This is what's cool about this movie. Really? And we can edit this out if you want. This movie, this script has been around for like 20 years. Like not quite 20, but probably a dozen. Yeah. And every huge movie star has tried to get it made. Everyone has wanted to do this script.

And at some point it just falls through the cracks for everyone. It is everyone has tried to get this everyone Fucking when I say everyone you go that guy. Yes him. Yeah, everyone has tried and Now you're making that movie making that movie. I'm so fucking excited. I'm so excited I know that I don't I'm not even saying the premise. I don't know if you can say the premise Yeah, but like it is a great premise. It is a great premise for you. It's very, it's a very appeal. Like when I read it, it's so funny. The two writers, Teddy Riley, Aaron Bauschbaum, wrote it and it was like their first thing they

ever wrote. Now they've done a bunch of like TV animation and a bunch of script. Like they have a bunch of stuff going on now, but this was their first script and it's like it was tied up some, you know, there was like studio, you had to kind of like break it. It was a whole thing, but we finally got it and El Tigre is, it's a cartel comedy. I can tell you that. Like it's so funny when I read it, I was like, oh my God, I would love to make this movie. I actually cannot believe that we're really making it. A lot of people can't believe you're making it.

A lot of people are excited for the movie to come out. A lot of people are like pumped. And the fact that like, I feel like after watching Bad Thoughts, I know all your strengths. I know what you're good at. I know like, you're just such a talented actor. No, thanks man. And it's gonna be fun.

I'm so excited for it. Well, so we were thinking that, you know, you have your show, I have this movie. We're both off the grid, so to speak. We wanna keep podcasts coming out. So we thought a fun thing to do would be, why don't we ask some friends to do episodes for us? Yeah, and we have so many great friends to do episodes for us?

Yeah, and we have so many great friends that do podcasts that we can lean into that are either in Austin or New York or LA. So we thought it'd be fun for you guys to get into the comments right now and tag who you'd love to see as guest bears. Yeah. And then we'll read all of those those and then Tom and I are gonna pick Who we want and not care who you want, right?

Well, we'll see your suggestion we'll see them but we weren't gonna listen to them Well, well eventually we'll just listen to our own hearts. Yeah, and we'll pick people We'll put Krista Stefan Stobbe. Okay By the way two of the funniest fucking dudes in the world. Yeah. Two of our favorite. Honestly, they're two, like we said, who do you want? And I mean, I just, I think Chris DiStefano is the funniest guy on the podcast ever.

Oh my God. Everything he ever says makes me laugh. He is so fucking quick. He played Blackjack with me this weekend. We were both in Atlantic City. Yeah. And he'd never played Blackjack before. And he was doing, it's just like that thing when you're like, do you know what you're

doing? And it's like, no. And he's, you know, taking a hit on 18 and he gets a three like shit like that. You're like, what the fuck, man? Like just killing it and then lost it all. But he was doing just incredible and he was so ridiculous. Like with the deal, I was just like crying, laughing. He is one of the funniest human beings,

top to bottom, that I've ever seen. And I just watched an episode of him and Stavi together. When they were talking about Catholic school. And it was, and Stavi is my spirit animal. He makes me giggle harder than anyone. So funny. And we thought we'd, that's who we want. So we're gonna call them.

Yeah, should we call one now? I'll call Chrissy. FaceTime. Let's see here. And we'll see if we can get them to do, maybe four episodes, just four episodes while we're shooting our shows. I know I'm gone for two months, Tom's gone for two months.

Should we FaceTime or just call? FaceTime, no one fucking phone calls anybody. You know FaceTiming for fucking Father's Day? Who? Shaq. He did? That's awesome. Yeah.

This cough sounds good. It's, yeah. Pat it for 10 weeks. Let's see. 10 week cough is pretty cool. Yeah. Is that long COVID? It's long COVID.

I've lost my sense of smell and sense of taste. Oh, good. I've had COVID for quite a while now. How many years? This is my 10th time getting COVID. And yeah, I think I might have the record. All right. Well, this is what happened when I FaceTimed Who's facetiming? DeStefano. You want to try Stavi?

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Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And I would like to thank Bluechew for sponsoring this podcast. Hey Siri,Time, Stavi, Scott, stop. Yeah, sure. Why not? Let's FaceTime. Scott, stop. Here's Chris. Here's Chris. Oh, hold on. God damn it. Hey handsome. Hey, what's up, man? Sorry. Sorry. I missed the call. I was text. That's cool. We are, we're doing a podcast. Look, it's a me and Burt. We're telling the, the audience here that you're going to be doing Chris. What's up, Burt. We're going to, we're telling people that you guys are going to be doing

some guest episodes for us. So everyone here is excited. Yes. I'm pumped to do it with, I believe I'm with star bro. Yeah. Perfect. I was happy to be on FaceTime with bird crusher. Yeah, there they are. He's got fresh painted nails. He's real excited, dude. I love it, dude. But my hums, I'm Tommy would love that. So we're going to, every, every week we're going to send you guys five talking points. We want to hear you guys talk about about and then you can talk about whatever How was uh, how was the 430 show in Atlantic City? Was it a disaster? I mean for me I was having fun because I was on rogue nicotine. Dude this is how crazy rogue nicotine made me. It made me actually have sex with a woman.

That's crazy. So Jasmine and I had sex because I was on rogue nicotine. And it was, that was that 430 show. I was happy with all the people who came. They came and they were like, I'm going to go to the party. I'm going to go to the party. I'm going to go to the party. I'm going to go to the party.

I'm going to go to the party. I was happy to all the people came. Tickets were nice, but I mean, what a disaster to do a show at 430 Atlantic City spinning off nicotine. Yeah, dude. Because you did Tommy get you hooked? Huh? Did Tommy get you hooked? Tommy got me fucking hooked. And now I'm telling you what if I was on Rogue Nikkatee looking at this right now I'd be coming in my pants. Look at that, look at that, look at that shirtless dude in New York. Oh hell yeah dude.

Nice, nice V. Yeah. So now Jazz is probably trying to get you on those roads since you become attracted to her. 100% man, I was letting it fly in there. I was going, it was crazy dude. Good. I was calling my, yeah, I was calling my low bunk bus. Yeah, that's cool, that's awesome man. It's so cool man, fucking New York is's cool. That's awesome, man. It's so cool, man.

Fucking New York is so cool. It's the best. Well, look, we're super excited, dude. We love you. Thank you for doing those episodes for us. We couldn't be more excited. I appreciate it, man. Hopefully Alan Albee will keep sexting me. I hope so, too. Alright, I'll talk to you soon, bro.

Later, boys. All right, bye. Oh my God. He's such a lunatic. Why do I get adult acne on my cheeks? On your cheeks? Yeah, like right here and right here. I put pimple patches on them, I don't even think those fucking things work.

Are those ingrown hairs, maybe? I think they might be. One was Stavis, I have a feeling Stavis sleeping. I think he's on set. Are they shooting? I think he's doing something, yeah. Well, he might call you back. He'll call back, but we've got Stavis, we've got Chris.

They're our summer bears, they're doing us a favor. And it's very cool of them, so go check out. I mean, Stavis is amazing in fucking tires. Yes. Episode seven of tires is my favorite episode of television I've ever seen. I was so impressed by that. That series got so, what's the matter?

Oh, is that Stobby's number? I was giving it out to everyone. I was so impressed by the season of tires. It was so good. Really? Yeah, yeah, I texted, I mean, it was really good. Anyway, let's, you know what I was thinking? You know what's crazy?

I don't know, this is a weird thought, but I was looking at like, when we were comics versus when these guys are comics. And I feel like- What do you mean when we were comics? When we were, oh my God. When we were new comics? No, when we were their age. Oh. Like when we were comics. When we were, oh my god. When we were new comics? No, when we were their age.

Oh. Like when we were their age, like what's Chris, 32? Chris DeCetha? No, he's like 40. No. Yeah, he's like 40. No, there's no fucking, he's 40, okay. But like, whatever happened to the middle class of comedy?

The middle class. Like the middle class. comedy? The middle class. Like the middle class, like when we were like, how about this, forget ages, when we were like 12 years in, 15 years in, 12 years in, everyone was doing clubs. Yeah. Everyone was making $2,500.

Right. And there was, and maybe the most, maybe you guys were making 6,000, maybe you guys were making 6,000, maybe you guys were making 25,000, but there weren't a lot of people making crazy money. And then all of a sudden, something happened with comedy, I don't know if it was podcasting, but the wage gap is just so far.

It's so enormous. There's no middle class anymore. Like even, like these guys are all doing arenas and huge theaters and shit like that. Like, it these guys are all doing arenas and huge theaters and shit like that. Like it's kind of crazy to me. And I was wondering, what do you think? I mean, and then like the other day on Saturday, on Sunday, I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm not working. You know, I'm having coffee. I have nothing to do on Sunday. And I opened the New York Times app and three of my friends are

in the New York Times. Yeah. Three, like, and they're not, and they're, I mean, I mean, I mean, like, they're all doing very, very big things, but they're not like 30 year comics. And we're not talking about Seinfeld. It was Shane, Schultz, and Dave Smith are all in the New York Times. Separately. Separately. Separately. Shane, I mean, I didn't read the articles, but I only read Dave Smith are all in the New York Times. Separately. Separately, separately.

Shane, I mean, I didn't read the articles, but I only read Dave Smith's article. But I didn't read the articles, you know. Yeah. I don't know, if it's positive or negative, I don't want it to affect. You don't know what the articles were even about? Shultz was, I think Shultz reposted his.

That's where I caught it. It was about Shultz being, I really don't know. Okay. I really didn't I mean I kind of glance It was Shane's about his show. Yeah about yeah, but I think it was good. Okay And what was the Dave? This is a great day Dave one. Yeah there He's he's America's foremost political journalist. That's what the majority of it was all about He's like a political journalist now Sch Schultz is. So is Theo. And so is Dave. Dave's was a negative piece. I started reading Dave's. I like Dave.

I always I mean, I don't know Dave's politics. I don't know if they always line up with mine, but I like Dave's opinions. I really like Dave's opinions. Right. I know he thinks about the things he says. He doesn't just say shit wild. He doesn't just like, you know. There he is. He died. He died. He things he says. He doesn't just say shit wild. He doesn't just like, you know. There he is. He died.

He's dead? He died at 72. Shit. That's cool. Huh. I didn't even know he was in the synthesizers like that. No, no. It's a different Dave Smith.

Oh, okay. So maybe it's in the, I don't know, Dave Smith. It's gotta be Dave Smith. I just read it Sunday. Okay. Maybe do a Dave Smith comedian. Yeah. I would definitely say something about Iran. Really? Yeah. Okay.

Nevermind. Anyway, I read it. Okay. You did read this one. Yeah. I started reading. I didn't read the whole anyway I read it. Okay. You did read this one. Yeah, I started reading. I didn't read the whole fucking thing. Right, okay. So I don't fucking, like. And then it was a tilt to the article? There was a negative spin?

There was a negative spin. It was basically saying that like, I don't know. This is why I don't talk about politics. I don't read the whole fucking article. Right. So like national review. It was national review.

It was just saying that like podcasters shouldn't be talking about politics. Podcasters shouldn't be interviewing politicians. Oh wow. The remarkable idiocy. That's a pretty aggressive headline, man. He went head to head with this guy on Rogan. Yeah, that got a lot of traction. That was a huge thing. A lot of traction.

Yeah. That Douglas Murray, that was the guy, right? The problem is, I guess, it's like, Dave is, I mean, I always thought, I always think of Dave as just a comic, a really smart comic. This guy, Douglas Murray, is not a comic. He's just a smart dude. So, if you've got to juggle two a comic, he's just a smart dude. So if you gotta juggle two occupations,

this guy just does one occupation. So he's just, it's like, don't go head to head with a guy that knows how to fucking argue. Well, I think he, a lot of people thought he, I mean, I saw the response to that, and it was kind of the way most things go online these days where there was a split amongst how people, like some people were 100% on Douglas's side,

but I saw a lot of people that were on. A lot of people were pro-Dave. Yeah, a lot. And by the way, Dave's holding his ground with a guy that's smart as shit, and Dave's smart as shit, but they just have different opinions. And here's the weird thing is I was thinking about all this, like all this is like this business has gotten so bizarre,

so crazy that you're like, that they're saying a guy like Dave shouldn't be talking about Iran and the US and Trump. He shouldn't even be talking about it. But then I was like, this is where I got kind of caught up. But why did, when they hire like Don Lemon, or you know, like one of those things, like do they, do they like, are they qualified?

When you get hired as a news reporter, are you like, because you get hired as like, out of college, like I took journalism in college, right? But I'm not like, I just am good looking, I have a full head of hair, and I have a hyphen in my name Martinez Vivara and they're like, oh, she's good. She'll she'll fill that hole right and then they hire her and then she works her way up She goes you know lose the hyphen. Let's just go to the fucking today show and now she's just about an infertile and Well, I mean Brooklyn College and Louisiana State University. It's not I I mean, I'm very good at colleges,

but it's not like, it's not like he's saying he's magna cum laude. It's not the smartest guy at college. No, no, usually, typically for these people, what happens is you get local jobs first, right? You go small market and you're reporting on the parade in town. And you get lucky with one thing.

Sometimes, yeah, and you progress, and then you go to a bigger market, you know know it's like a step-by-step thing and then sometimes you get on the like the national scale and then you get moved over and you're like they're like do you want to do weather and you hold out you're like no no no no I want to do mornings yeah and then you hold out and you get CNN and then you are considered a qualified journalist because you got cast I mean you got cast you I mean, you got cast. You didn't, you don't earn it.

There's no, there's no, what's it, meritocracy in becoming a journalist. You get cast, correct? Well, I don't know if there's no meritocracy. I'm going to argue there's zero. Zero? Zero. Zero. You know what it is?

What? Did people tune in? I mean, I guess that's the meritocracy right there, but it's not like a professional football player who earns his position, right? Yeah. It is, you get cast, you get cast. Well, yeah, you definitely need a higher up to be like, yes, you.

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And so, yeah. And so, he was like, let me turn around again. Let me look at your ass. But that's my problem is like, I'll say, let's just say, for argument's sake, 50% of newscasters, 50 are like 100% qualified. And then 50% have great teeth, have good hair. Now you make a good point actually.

There's completely under qualified people reporting the news all the time. Yes, and now I'm just talking about CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, the top ones, right? Fox News, MSNBC, those ones. Now if we take that and trickle it all the way down to locals all around the country, those numbers are gonna be astoundingly different. It's gonna be 90% are unqualified to speak on camera

about anything policy related and 10% are. Well you can see when they just sometimes they've gotten so lazy in interviews that you see the journalist is clearly just regurgitating what a producer told them and they're not even well versed in the subject matter. They'll just go, how about this? That producer doesn't even want to be producing news. No. The cameramen don't want to be shooting camera news.

I know that because I've worked with guys that are like, thank God I got out of news. No one wants to be doing news. So you've got a bunch of people phoning it in. And then you have people like Dave Smith, for argument's sake, who isn't phoning it in. He's doing the research, he's passionate about it, he loves it. And you have people criticizing,

saying he should shut the fuck up, he's a comic. And you're like, well, then what is our litmus here that we're gonna argue who should talk and who shouldn't talk? Now listen, I personally do not speak because I know I don't have anything positive. I wouldn't say you don't speak. You speak quite a bit. I'm speaking about stuff I'm qualified to talk about and that's this.

Like I'm not going to tell you about Iran and Iraq or we know what I mean. Right. Where do you think we're having trouble right now? It's the goddamn fucking Middle East, man. Yeah. It's always been our prize. This is the Middle East. My cheeks are the Middle East.

Right. There's little bumps. The red is fucked. There's bumps everywhere. You can't trust them. They wake. Sometimes you just fucking... I don't know. I'm not really sure.

Okay. Yeah. You ready? Bert Kreischer is talking politics. Yeah. Let's hear it. So, I ran... Iran. It's probably better to go with Iran.

I ran three miles today. There you go. Iran, I did run three miles. Great. I ran, I swam, I did it all. I ran, Iraq, I ran. So Iran, Iran had enriched plutonium. And that means you're gonna make nuclear arms. This is the only things I researched.

Google how many nuclear warheads every country has. Russia has the most. Yeah, Russia went into like overdrive. Overdrive. Like as soon as they... No there's an actual chart, two images I'm sure. Oh there it is, there's the chart. Countries with nuclear weapons. So like Pakistan is up there, India is up there, United Kingdom's close with Pakistan, which is ironic because I think they used to run Pakistan. China has got 500, which makes me sleep better at night.

United States could have roughly 1,000 more, in my opinion, so that we're head to head with Russia. Well, at one point, you know, it was 10 times the amount. And we started taking them apart? Yeah, we started to reduce our, both Russia and the US did. We had just crazy amounts of nukes. And it was basically a conjoined effort to reduce the amount that we had. North Korea, are these nukes? This is a crazy question.

Are they, are they locked and loaded or they go like, well, we got to put it together, but then we could put it together and then send it. I would think that some are ready to rock. Anytime. Yeah. They're not like, it's not like, it's not like, oh no, I have a folding table, but I gotta go to the garage and get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm not comfortable with North Korea who's got 50, but how many did Iraq have? Iran. Iran? Iran. Well, Iran doesn't have any, but the whole thing,

the idea that has been thrown around at this point forever is that they're so close to having them, right? And so- Are they going to get 10? Well, we don't know, but- Then you know where they're going to use them. They were saying, you know, like Israel was saying, like, oh, it's, you know, at different times in the last decade plus, they've been like, they're years away, they're months away,

they're weeks away, they're days away. Like it's just kind of this cycle of like they're close They're close. They're always talking about how close they are and then you know, the US also participates in that and then most recently our Director of National Intelligence said yeah, they're not the 22 year old Gardner. No, no, no, that's Tulsi Gabbard Tulsi Gabbard. Tulsi Gabbard's our for real is our director of national intelligence. Fucking shout out to Tulsi. Yeah. Tulsi. I didn't know that. I fucking love Tulsi. Keep going. I love Tulsi. Yeah. So, oh yeah. Okay. If Tulsi said it, I'm cool. She said they are not close.

And then Trump said she's wrong. And then he, he went ahead and bombed these facilities because he was like, they were so close to having these bombs. And this is like not a new debate, whether they're closed, but the idea now is that he bombs those facilities and then he's like, and now is the time for peace.

And it's like, you just bombed them. So, I mean, who knows what we're also. They never had one in the first place. They did not have one. It's almost like if your kids never had ice cream and you buy ice cream, but you drop it, they're not gonna know what they missed. And this is what the president should say.

Yeah. Yeah. Like guys, they never had them in the first place. I just bombed them now, they still never have them. It is kind of fucked up that he said it on Twitter and didn't tell his staff. He was like, just read my Twitter, guys. Three nuclear sites in Iran, including Fordow, Natas, and Stafan. All planes are now outside the Iran airspace. Full payload of bombs was dropped on the primary sites. All planes are safe outside the Iran airspace and a full payload of bombs was dropped on the primary sites

Mm-hmm. All planes are safe on the way home to great American warriors There's not another military in the world that could have done this well Russia probably could have done it Now is the time now is the time for peace? Yeah, thank you for your attention. There's matter I've never heard somebody do quite that like we just bombed the shit out of a place now It's peacetime. It's like coming we just bombed the shit out of a place. Now it's peace time. It's like coming back from a strip club covered in glitter going, I'm ready to settle down now.

Nobody else do anything. I blew five loads in five different strippers. Let's fucking go. Let's go, let's settle down. Yeah, so I don't know, man. I mean, I'm in favor, obviously we're talking about, I like, I mean, I think everybody should be able to speak about anything they man. I mean I'm in favor obviously we're talking about I like I mean I think everybody should be able to speak about anything they want. I think so too

So I think a hundred percent also I'm not against somebody who's so much more qualified Telling somebody shut the fuck up. Yeah, put it me in my place and say like, you know what you're saying Okay, you get to say that I almost welcome it. I was called my dad Yeah, our dads my dad would fucking tell me, shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're saying. And that's why I don't go like, go speak wildly about things. Or, you know what I'm trying to-

I have the, I sort of sense he might still say that. There's a video clip of a friend, I won't say a friend, but a friend of ours. a good friend, not who everyone thinks is the one, but another one. And someone's like, said something to him and he just yells, free Palestine. My dad sent me that clip.

He's like, I know you like this guy. I know this guy's a funny guy. Don't you fucking say a word about Palestine or Israel out loud ever. This is not in your goddamn league. You don't know what the fuck. You don't know what the fuck you're saying. You don't know what. You don't know a goddamn thing.

So shut your fucking mouth. And I was like, thanks, Theo. I'm fucking one guy says one thing and my dad gets mad at me. You, that's so funny, dude. No, I'm fucking, I what where my where I get like really passionate. Yeah. Like this is what like cuz it cuz it applies to me. Did you see the hot air balloon crash? I read about it. I didn't see it. I didn't see it. Oh wow.

Okay dude and this is I can speak I can speak with expertise on this. Hot air balloons are fucking sketchy as fuck. Yeah. Okay, that's just the crash. Shit. That's not, you don't want to be, that's, that's not good. No. So wait, hold on. So some people live though in that? No, no, no, no. No one lived? No one lived. No one lived. Hang on.

You got to show the people dropping from the balloon. Oh, cool, man. You're not usually this fun. Hang on. People are- So that's when it's starting to go sideways. I don't know what- Well, probably because we're on NBC site.

So they're not going to make- Go on the internet. You got to go on like Twitter. Go to the dark web. If you go to Twitter, they're not going to edit anything. Go to X, excuse me. Go to X, excuse me. Go to X, excuse me. Go to X, excuse me. Go to X, make, you got to go on like Twitter. Go to the dark web.

If you go to Twitter, they're not going to edit anything. Go to X, excuse me. So here's the thing I'll say about a hot air balloon. Yeah. It's like the first guy, I mean, when you, I just, I just listened to a podcast about the first guy to fucking go up in a hot air balloon. The first guy? First guy in like fucking France.

And they were like, and he just, he thought it was smoke that took the thing up because smoke rises because it's hot. But he thought it was smoke, so he filled it with smoke. And he went up like 3000 feet the very first time. Can you imagine that? Yeah, that's really high. The very first time he just fucking skyrocketed. And then he came down in the middle of a field, he was like, that's amazing.

So then he did a bunch of them. And then one time he got shut down because they were like, because right around World War I. Oh boy. And they were like, this is German. He ends up dying. He ends up dying. On that?

And another one. But you couldn't, he tried to cross the, this is also, I listened to this podcast. This is how little I retain. He tried to cross the the bearings, not the bearing straight, the the over to England. Yeah. And got out there. The channel? Channel, British Channel.

And then they pushed him back. She was like, this is there's no way to fucking control this thing. Yeah. And that is the problem with hot air balloons. Okay. Is this guy's falling from it? Holy shit, bro. Wow.

So you're seeing people fall out of it. There's, I don't know how we're not. There's if some, if there was a man running this. Joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. No, they're first of all, if you type hot air balloon, all you're gonna see is everyone's terrifying experience

in a hot air balloon. Hot air balloons, and this is Bert Kreischer, I've written a few, are fucking sketchy as fuck, okay? You have, Tom, you have like fucking five propane tanks in there, and then you have a torch that just goes, releases a fucking flame thrower's amount of flame into a huge balloon just, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Yeah, you're sitting under a heater just It's loud as fuck you've done it. I've done it a few times. Yeah, here's the sketchiest part. You can't steer it, right? So you kind of hope that goes where you want it to go I have seen one go into power lines before power lines. Yeah, the first time I rode a hot air balloon the guy goes alright

This is gonna be a sketchy landing because you can't pick where he lands. We landed in a bank parking lot. Really? There were cars driving around. Would you do it again? No, never, never in a million fucking years. I did the biggest day in the world of hot air balloons they have in New Mexico and there's tons of accidents there.

This isn't even the one. This is just hot air balloon accidents are all over the fucking place. It is the sketchiest form of air travel you can ever pick and it is crazy And when you do it They I all this in my feed are people in a hot air balloon because a lot of times they'll go Get on the ground embrace for impact because they're coming in hot you can't pick how slow you come in I know there's a hot air balloon enthusiast, listen to this, who's outraged.

But he knows I'm fucking right and he's wrong. Well, he knows that, I'm assuming that like, the more you kind of give that heat, right? It's gonna, so you're gonna slow down your descent. Yes. You start giving it. So they feather it on the way down so that it's, but at a certain point they gotta land

and they gotta land within an area. So when we landed in the bank parking lot We we went to land and he goes everyone on the out hold on to the outside and jump off So I'm off so now you're climb out and your feet are on the outside You're holding on and he's coming in it like let's just say let's just say I Just for argument's sake Seven miles an hour. Okay. Go to a treadmill, turn it on a seven.

And then I want you to stand on the side and then just jump on the treadmill with both feet and see how you fucking tumble. So wait, that's how you jump? That's how you landed? You hang out the outside? He had us because he's like, this is going to be bad. So just it's better for you to jump and roll. Then to just sit in here and-

We're on travel channel. We're on travel channel with fucking people who are like, and so we had to jump out of the fucking hot air balloon. How'd that feel? Oh, it's fucking- Did you skydive too? Yeah, skydived twice. I mean, listen, I know that people are passionate about it.

I just, it's the fucking, it's not not it's not for me. It's not for me It's I and I'll say I should just say hot air balloons aren't for me But they're not for me because I I'm not I don't have a death wish Yeah, like I mean just it's like and I know that I'm probably getting a hate from the hot air balloon community It's pretty fucking wild popular community Yeah, but they have to agree there is a certain air of sketchiness about it Yeah, but in that you can't it's first of all I got to tell you it's fucking crazy But they have to agree there is a certain air of sketchiness about it. And that you can't, it's, first of all, I got to tell you, it's fucking crazy to be

up, see how high hot air balloons go, to be up 5,000 feet and just looking at the, especially in New Mexico and up with 7,000 feet. They go up to 7,000 feet. Jesus Christ. Look at the altitude record at 68,000 feet. That's way. To type in Hot Air Balloon Festival, New Mexico, this is the one we did. And it's, Tom, it's crazy because everyone's got their balloons laid out, right?

And then they have to have their heat source kind of angled. So they're like, oh my, that's what we did. Now, do you know how fucking wild landings are is when you're in a fucking sea of hot air balloons? Yeah, some people come in hot, right? You got it like, not everyone's. Now here's the crazy part is not as many people as you'd think die in hot air balloons, but people get hurt.

Yeah, when we were in, I was in a helicopter like a couple months ago, and I'm sitting up there with the guy, he's like, yeah, you know, he's looking at me, he's like, you always remember that you're just like, you're always just a couple seconds away from dying. And I was like, yeah. And then he goes, yeah, you know, birds, right? Birds are what's gonna kill us.

So just look out for any birds. I was like, yeah, dude, for sure. And then I go, when do you feel like at peace? And he's like, when we're back on the ground. Look at this, Tom. This is it, Tom. Look, this is when it catches fire. And that's a guy holding on.

Okay. No. And then that guy goes to hold on. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's not a fun fall either. That guy's okay, the guy that fell? That's horrific. That's that guy. What?

That's really crazy. They survived this? Hang on. 13 survivors? That's insane, bro. That's the worst. That is. If you're telling me right now,

I want to recant everything I just said. If you're telling me there's 13 survivors from this accident, then this is the safest way to travel in the air. That's crazy. If you're telling me 13 people survived. Did you see the one survivor from the India? Yeah. What?

22 people were in that? Oh, okay. Like before it was misleading. Like right when it started calling catching fire 20 feet, they're like, let's get out. And these guys are like, don't worry, we'll put it out. Is this them turning it on? Oh, let's see this.

No way. Look at that. First of all, look at the flame, the heat source is just sketchy in my opinion. All of a sudden, you just start going and then you don't go and then you go. I would jump right now. I was gonna say like, this is just terrible, man.

Well, it sucks for everyone, including- Well, when did they jump? Really? The fire started before this. That's so fucked up, man. That is so fucking crazy. Wait, what's your look for the guy that survived the India crash? Hmm?

Hmm? Do we think it's real? You think it's real? Everyone died except for him, huh? Everyone. Hmm. Everyone. Everyone died.

The person who survived the crash is Vishwa Kumar Ramesh. He's got a couple of scratches on him. That's tough. Right. So hit that show more if you would. So he was the only passenger to survive the Air India flight 171, he described his survival as a miracle, unable to fully explain how he made it out. He was seated in 11A, an exit row seat, which made-

So he was really on the plane. That's- Like they have a ticket. Yeah, they have the ticket, yeah. Yeah. If that's true, then I think I could survive a plane crash. You think you could? I got that energy.

That's insane. And I think I could survive a plane crash. You think you could? I got that energy. That's insane. Yeah, I mean, I know it makes no sense. I mean, it's just, it's like, for real? I mean. Like usually things like this are too good to be true. I know. And then you find out, no, he was just a guy on top of the building.

That's like, that's him in the moment, right there, the one in the middle, the first row, in the middle. Yeah, he's walking. Yeah. That's like right after the crash. Everyone else. Dead. Was incinerated.

Yeah. And he just was like. I don't understand it either. He just double-dutched out of it. Yeah. That's him. Yeah. He still has his drink in his hand. And someone's like, I remember, he's like, get the fuck off me, I remember that. He's still has his drink in his hand.

Someone's like, I'm here. He's like, get the fuck off me. I remember that. He's got his cell phone in his hand. I wonder if he was on his cell phone and take off. And that's what brought the plane down. He's in good shape. What can he possibly be upset about?

I don't know. People touching him. I don't know. He's got probably jet fuel burning on him, dude. No, no, he doesn't. No, he had burns to his face. No, but it wasn't, oh, for real? Yeah.

But it wasn't like Travis Barker's plane crash where he survived, where they were on the ground. You know? No. Like, they were, they dropped from the sky. Yeah. Onto a building, correct? And everybody burned to nothing, yeah. Yeah, look at the aftermath of that crash, dude. I mean, I

Don't I know I don't understand it either. It just And so he was saying the the 11a just opened up and he just stepped out of it I don't know. I don't get it Well, there is the story ever hear the story of the little girl who dropped out of An airplane into the Amazon? Yes. And lived there for like 70 days. There's a few there's a few people that have Fell like 30,000 feet. Yeah, and in their seat Like woke up which is fucking nuts Crazy. Yeah, there's one woman

There's a flight attendant who the plane exploded and she was in the back of the plane and she rolled the, she landed on, so apparently if you land on an incline, you live. What do you mean? Like if you can land on an incline, you can live. Okay. So like, she landed on an incline,

so it kind of, she didn't like hit like solid. She kind of just went, so it kind of like, it's like landing on a, on a, on like a, it's like dropping into a half pipe. Yeah. And so that's how one lady lived. I don't know how that, I don't know how the girl on the Amazon lived.

Yeah, that story I've read, it's unbelievable. I think her parents are on that are in that crash and died. So she was the sole survivor of that family. Oh, we were in a helicopter one time and the guy said to me, the girl in there was terrified. And she did mountain rescue in Denver. And I was like, you should be having fun. It's trip flip, let me open some champagne.

She goes, I lost eight friends in a helicopter crash last week, and I was like, oh wow, that's crazy. I go, well what are the odds that's gonna happen two weeks in a row, right? She was like, huh? And she was like, it's just, all it takes is one screw. One screw, and the whole thing goes to shit. I go, that's not true, it's gotta be more complicated than that, and I go to the guy, go isn't that right sir?

And he goes, no she's right, one screw and we go down. Oh fuck, thought there'd be more fail more complicated than that. And I go to the guy who in that right sir. And he goes, no, she's right. One screw and we go down. Oh fuck. Thought there'd be fail safe from that. Yeah. This is Julianne Koepke. I don't know how to say it. In 71 at the age of 17, she was the sole survivor of Lanza 508, which was struck by lightning and disintegrated over the Peruvian Amazon.

She fell nearly two miles. Holy shit. While still strapped to her seat. That's right. After the crash, she spent 11 days alone in the jungle battling injuries, hunger and thirst before being rescued by lumberjacks. Her incredible survival story was the subject of documentaries, books and films, including Wings of Hope. It happened on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve? Yeah. Her and her mother were on a flight from Lima

and they were struck by lightning. The plane broke apart, it's so crazy. She plummeted nearly two miles. She managed to navigate the jungle for 11 days. She found a bag of sweets. Wow, it's just- Can I tell you, all I hear out of this is, so that you're telling me the explosion doesn't

kill you? I mean- So like, you're telling me everyone that's been in a plane crash, their death happens on the floor. Not all. It just depends on the circumstances of that crash. But this one is really crazy, man. I've flown in some of the sketchiest planes in the world. Yeah. chances of that crash. But this one is really crazy, man.

I've flown in some of the sketchiest planes in the world. I flew on a plane in Tanzania where I said, will there be, I said to the lady up front, I said, will there be a service for drinks on the flight? And she was like, no. And I said, well, what if we have a fear of flying? She goes, you don't like flying? I said, no. And she goes, well, what if we have a fear of flying? She goes, you don't like flying? I said, no.

And she goes, I would get yourself some beer and bring it on. And I was like, I can bring beer on the plane? And she goes, oh, yeah. She goes, I wouldn't advertise it, but I would get some beers. And I said, how many could I bring on? And she goes, as many as you can carry.

So I was like, OK. In my head, I'm like, I'm sitting in first class. It's going to be, you know, it can't be that bad. I wish I had an actual picture of this. I wish I had an actual picture of this. I wish I'd taken a picture of this. I went and I got six tall boys, like big ones, right? Put them in my backpack and I get on the plane. We had to enter from the back of the plane.

And as I walked up, I go to my seat, 1B, aisle seat, and all our luggage is netted in front of me. Nice. All of the luggage is in front of me. For the whole plane? For the whole plane is netted, just netted in front of me. And I went, oh my God. How long is this flight? I was in Tanzania, Ethiopia, or Tanzania, I don't know, it was Tanzania somewhere.

It was fucking Africa. And I remember just being like, oh my, this is the worst flight I could ever, I had to have taken a picture of it. I'll see if I can find it. If I can find it, I'll post it. I've been on some of these. Yeah, yes you have.

Oh yeah. Your mom grew up on these. No, I took a bunch of these, like flew to like to the jungle, to Iquitos and like, uh, Pisco and like all these places in like little puddle jumpers, man. Yeah. I've been on some shady ones for sure. It's crazy to think that you, that I thought the pop up here kills everybody.

I tell you about the time when we, uh, so my uncle in Peru set me up. He was like, do you want to go see the, you ever heard of the, they're called Linas de Nazca, the lines of Nazca? If you put in the lines of Nazca, this is like a phenomena, they consider it. These are huge images that you can only see from the sky, right?

So there's like, this is like kind of like one of those things where they go aliens did it. I thought they were jogging paths. Well if you if you're on the ground you don't know that you're, it's enormous, right? So you wouldn't know that you're standing on that if you were on the ground. You know you wouldn't know that that image is there. You can only see it from the sky, right? Because to see that on the ground, you'd be like, oh, it's a line, but you wouldn't know the entire layout of it, right?

So from the sky, you see this monkey and the spider or whatever, all these images. So he's like, you want to go see the lines? I go, yeah. And my dad is in Peru, right? So he's down there visiting me when I'm down there. And he's like, you wanna come with? And he's like, yeah, I'd like to go see that, yeah, yeah.

So they get a police plane, which is like two pilots and there's four seats in the back, I think. It was a small plane. They confiscated it from cartel people and they just like put, you know, police on the side. And these are, these are unbelievable by the way to see these. The best way to actually see them is in a chopper because then you can like hover. But we're in this plane and we go and we fly around. We're seeing them like a crazy bird. Because there's no, they don't

actually have the explanation of like here's who did this. So people theorize that it could be you know, however many thousands of years old and you know And like I said, aliens did it or ancient tribal people did it. All that being said, then we're flying back and my dad's like, I need to pee. And I'm like, there's no bathroom on this plane. Well, I gotta go. I'm like, okay. So I have to like tap the military persons, the pilots thing.

I go, hey, my dad has to pee. And they're like, I'm sorry. I'm like, Dad, didn't you go? He's like, I did go, but I got to go again. You know, I'm like, I'm like, he's got to pee. And they're like, you know, they're like, okay. So they just find like an airstrip, just like an abandoned airstrip somewhere.

And we land and my dad gets out with his fucking khakis and loafers and just pisses on the side. And then he's about to get back on and they're like, hey, how about he grab one of those empty oil cans unless he has to, since he might have to pee again. Yeah. It's like, hey dad, grab that empty oil can. All right.

And then, you know, it gets back on. He goes, I mean, what am I doing? I gotta pee. I'm like, it's this fucking A, man. This is humiliating. Do you know what I got for my birthday that I should enjoy with you? What? Is it for Christmas? I have a ride in a ghetto bird

Like you know how you do ride-alongs and hop cars? I got to ride along in a helicopter in a police helicopter That's awesome to follow like a high-speed chase or some shit. That's awesome. You got that as a gift as a gift and I'm who from I can't I'm not going to say, but... Wait, you can purchase this? No. No. No, you gotta, they gotta allow it. Right. And it's just like a ride-along. You can't just buy it. Yeah. And so I get to take one person. Dude, take me. You would love it. I'm fucking, I'm terrified. Do you know who flies? I get you give you got your pilot's license yet. So do you know Baron? You were better naked ladies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been one week since you looked at me. The lead singer Ed he flies.

They're on tour right now. And he flies city to city. It's crazy. It's it's so fucking cool. Yeah, That he goes. I think it's the coolest too. He does the show, spends the night, wakes up, takes his plane, flies to the next city. He loves flying. Oh, clearly. You'd like that? That's a bare naked pilot.

And he posts them. And it's what's crazy is how much knowledge you have to have to be able to fly He's like we were supposed to go into tango Raleigh NASCAR he flies solo he flies solo. That's awesome He flies like everywhere city to city That's really cool. And it seems like he's like we went into Kappa Charlie Lango tango Like I can't even do the call letters. Yeah.

These are by the way, much like for danger stuff, much safer than a chopper. Oh, these planes? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I would never fly a helicopter. I would never, I have no interest in flying a helicopter. I don't understand the draw to a helicopter. Well, the draw is accessibility.

What do you mean? Like you can access so many more areas. Like a plane, you gotta keep going. Oh, a chopper you can just throw in there. Yeah, you can just hover anywhere. And yeah, you don't need an airstrip to get, you can just like, is there a parking lot there? Like I told you, I know two guys that in Austin who commute every day, seven days

a week when they're in Austin only in their helicopters. Really? Yeah. Cause the law in Austin is like, um, if it's private property and, and you allow it, then somebody can land there. So basically like, if you were like, yeah, you can land in my yard, then I'd be like, I'm going to Burt's

and I could just fly in and land in your backyard. And so these guys do that. And they go to the fucking grocery store like this. Yeah. They must live out like in, out in the sticks. They live a little bit outside. But it's not that bad of you have a helicopter fly you in. Yeah, these guys are like, they're like,

I go to dinner in it. I go to the gym. Like the one guy told me he goes Which was hilarious. He's like every time I go to the gym. There's somebody like some Person is like, excuse me. You can't Land a helicopter here and he's like actually I can Because the I got permission from this is private property. And then that person complaining calls the police. And so like cops show up and they're like,

what's going on? And they're like, this fucking asshole just flew his helicopter here. And then the cops go and they're like, yeah, he has permission. And then they're like, oh. He's like, it happens like every time. We were in a helicopter in Madison, Wisconsin.

And we were for trip flip. We flew one every once a week for trip flip. And we're going and we're gonna land in the middle of a clearing. And in the middle of the woods in a clearing, that's where we're gonna land and that's where we're gonna take off from. It's beautiful.

And then instead of having to hike, like three miles into the forest, we're gonna land three miles inside the forest in a clearing. And the pilot had to be like 27. And he was like, he was like, all right, do me a favor, look out the wind, look out the side, see if I have enough clearance for the tail. And I look back and I go, I think so. And he's like, you think so? I go, yeah, I mean, I guess. He goes, all right, I think let's try it. And then my

sound guy, John Sales goes, you don't, you don't, let's just say you don't. I'd rather hike three miles and see if you have clearance for your tail. And we were like, I was like, yeah, good call. What am I doing going? I was like, wait, I'm not qualified to tell you if you have clearance for your tail. No, no, that's crazy that he's like, you're good.

Yeah, tell me if I have enough clearance for my tail. And I'm like, I'm not the guy. When I did a lesson in one with a super experienced pilot, he was telling, he had, I forget, 3000 plus hours. He was like, oh yeah, last week I was in a different one and I, we landed in this one field and we were practicing so we would land and then I would take off, come around and then approach to land. We kept doing it.

He was like, yeah, I did this last week and I landed too hard and the tail rotor just snapped in half. I was like, god damn. So there are things that as a dad of young boys, you just can't do because they're dangerous and you don't wanna, or do you just go, it's like I didn't have access to be able to take flying lessons or drive sports cars or drive a motorcycle

or like, I had kids but I was always, I never had the opportunity. I mean, I never felt like, oh my God, I didn't feel like this is so dangerous to do when I was doing it. I'm personally like, I'm not going to do motorcycles. It's just like not, I don't have the desire though either. I do feel like they're more dangerous.

I mean, whatever. Whatever. Are you getting one? Yeah. You did? Yeah. Well, that's right, you were riding one at the 5 whatever. Whatever. Are you getting one? Yeah. You did? Yeah. Well, that's right. You were writing one at the 5K.

Yeah. But you did get one? Yeah. No, we can't talk about it. Why? Harley. Keep going. She wants a Harley?

No, no. Yeah, I got a Harley coming. Okay. I have two options. I'm testing, test driving two, and then I get to pick one. And you're going to go around in it? No, I'm going gonna save it for like fucking Sunday mornings at 5 a.m. when no one's out or fucking you know like the one on a holiday

when the fucking or hope there's another pandemic and drive it a lot. Didn't you learn on the show? Yeah, I learned on trip flip and it was fucking it's such a crazy way to travel. I guess ultimately all of these are crazy ways to travel and it's like what's wrong with us that we can't just go like I'll just get there. I don't know what's more dangerous flying a helicopter or driving in an uber with some guy that you don't fucking know. Some of those guys it feels like the most dangerous thing I've ever done. I'm not telling you the story about the screaming match I got into in my front yard with an uber driver who talks sideways to Leanne. Really? Buddy.

It's yard with an Uber driver who talks sideways to Leanne. Really? Buddy, it's probably, I'll tell you what, I woke up depressed that I let myself, like I didn't have control over myself. You guys were in it together? No, I'm praying to God that video never gets released to this because it started at the airport. It started at the airport. Started at the airport. Wait, were you together though? Me and Leanne and Kyle.

Okay. And the guy just was like, I'll do my own thing. Like he just was like, he was just a fucking dick. And I, you know, there's a certain way that I said that you are, I've hired you to do a job. I need you to do the job I would like the way it done. And he wouldn't do it, and I waited for fucking 30 minutes for him, which is not...

Is there any sense for him, you mean to pick you up? To pick me up. Okay. And then we didn't speak the whole ride, I didn't say a word, I didn't like berate him, I didn't say anything,

I got really upset on the phone with him. Then when he came to get us, I just put my bags in, I just didn't say a word, silent the't say anything. I got really upset on the phone with him. Then when he came to get us, I just put my bags in, I just didn't say a word, silent the whole ride, got out of the car, grabbed my bag, walked inside, should be done. I told LeAnn, make sure to tip him, I feel bad for raising my voice on the phone with him.

And then he said something sideways to LeAnn. And I walked out to go, like, what's taking so long? I didn't know that he was like, kinda told her off. Told her off, tell me off. Have him be a man and tell me off. And Kyle just goes, buddy, do not go out there. And I went, what's going on? And Leann's like, that motherfucker just told me off.

And I went, what? And he was starting to leave, and they had just hit the gate. And I was like, get out of the fucking car. Get out of the fucking car. And I was like screaming at him. Don't you fucking talk. I was screaming, I lost my cool.

I was like, so? I told Kyle, I said I said next time that happens tackle me and just whisper my ear You can't fight you don't know how to fight. You're gonna lose this But it's like it's like rage overtakes you and you're like you're like get the fuck out of the fucking car Yeah, and then I woke up the next morning and I was like, what did I do? Like what in my head I was like, you know what is that? Is it worth it to get into a fist fight with it by the way? He was older if he was in let's just say if it was a black guy, I probably wouldn't have done it but like Yeah, it's he comes from one of those countries were comfortable bombing and we yeah There's no gonna be no reaction. And so I think it's from it on

Yeah, and I was like we're already in war with them. I'll just keep it. Yeah, keep it going side Sure, and so I and I was like, we're already in war with them. I'll just keep it going from my side. And so I, but I was like, fucking I, it's crazy when a split, a switch flips in your brain, you have no control over it. And I, and I've, and I'm so good at holding onto that switch my whole fucking life. I am so good at towing the line. I'm good at going, everyone calm down. This is not worth it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But man.

And at certain times it just goes. He said something to Leanne and What did he say? You dumb. No he did not. And he goes, I fuck you in my country. I fuck you. No he did not. Chop your hands off.

No, no, no. I don't know what he said. He said something like, Leanne went to give him the tip and he goes, no, no, no, no, no. And then she goes, no, I insist. I apologize or whatever. And then he grabbed the tip and they looked at Kyle and he was like, she was the problem. She overreacted. You were not the, but she was the, and Leanne didn't do anything.

She didn't do anything. She was like, wait, I'm, I just tipped you with the fucks. I get thrown a fucking stray. And then he was, and then he said something else, I just tipped you. What the fuck's wrong? I get thrown in a fucking stray. And then he said something else, I guess, and LeAnn got livid. Well, a lot of those guys are used to. They're not big fans of women. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty cool. I've always enjoyed it when you talk shit about women in the car with them. And you're like, man, that driver in front of us, huh? I bet that's it. He was a woman, it's a woman! That's why we don't let them drive in our country! And you're like, man, that driver in front of us, huh? I bet that's it. It was a woman. It's a woman.

That's why we don't let them drive in our country. Yeah. And you're like, oh man, you should pull over and tell her off. We've got guest bears coming up. We've got a couple more episodes we're gonna do. We've got guest bears with us, but we've got our summer bears, Stavi and Chrissy D.

And thank you guys for watching and listening. I know you're gonna enjoy Stavi and DeStefano. Possibly more than us. Not even possibly, for Possibly more than us. Not even possibly, for 100%. More than us. More than us. And just know that it's temporary, so enjoy it while you have it.

See you soon. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, this while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.