2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - What Percent Gay Are You? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

SPONSORS: Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com! The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states! Head to https://dkng.co/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to. Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader. Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay 00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams 00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight 00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad 00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge 00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet 00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men 00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup 00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator 01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions 01:11:34 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad? I get it. I'm Siaiaa and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll.

So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. Welcome. to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. He's Burt. I'm Tom. Very exciting day. I did not know that Hunter Biden said he's now 48%

gay. And what it made me want to discuss with you is what percent gay do you think you are? Wow. More than 48, I think. More than 48? Probably. Yeah. I mean, I've actually had this conversation with my daughter this morning

making coffee. This morning you talked about how gay you are? This morning I had this conversation with Georgia. Yeah. Well, how did it go? I can't believe you brought this up. How did, wait, he said this in an interview. Do we have the clip? Like, do we know the full time?

Oh, he really said, Hunter Biden really said this? This is what I, yeah, I think so. But you think I just made that up. And I was like, oh, I mean, crazy intro. No, I mean, it's real. I just, is this is fascinating because you can, you know, sexuality is fluid. We know that. That's something that's, it's, it's, It's all over the map. People can morph and change and have desires change.

But I want to know what his gayness is because this is a new thing. Is that what? He's doing the rounds, man. He's doing all the rounds. Is he promoting? I am gay. Really? Wow.

Are you gay? I only, only a little bit. More or less than 50%. What? More or less than 50%. Uh, 48.6. Did I hear you? you're a painter. Okay. Well, that was kind of a

jockey answer though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought he was being like, you know, like if DeStefano said that, I'd be like, yeah, that's, that's about right. Yeah. Remember when Brody said he was, he was, what did Brody say? Where's red, red band would know that? He's, uh, what would, can someone find out what Brody said on Rogan? That was like the funniest clip.

About how gay he is? Yeah. Yeah, so there's funny thing, because then you think about people you know, right? Like DeStefano, of course, we know. It's probably 63% gay. And then, you know, you said Red Band, I'd say he's about 30%.

Tony Hinchcliff's probably about 77% gay. The Joe Logan experience. Oh, here you go. Yeah, there's Amish porn. Yeah, I don't think they're really Amish. I don't think you're a lot of fuck in front of a camera if you're Amish. I think it steals your soul.

Or is that Indians? How's that work? It's such a different Joe back then? That's so funny. it's such a different show keep going oh is it oh yeah that's 44 minutes yeah it's 10% let's just watch for 44 minutes and see where it is well how many views does it have it might get more than ours it's good let's just let's just play a rogan episode i think it would work and then we'll just be like so there you go there's that episode cut to a sam and mark clip then a fucking

bad friends and i think we got an episode um okay but back to the subject at hand okay so so this is what I said to Georgia. Okay. I said when I was a child, we weren't allowed to explore our sexuality. There was no openness to being gay. There was, it was like, and I, I was saying, I was really like, I mean, I know I'm straight because that's the thing I like, but I, you know, I got, I didn't always have it easy with women.

I never had it easy with women. And I bet if it was like socially acceptable to suck your friends' dicks and have your friends suck each other's dicks. Yeah. I would have spitefully gone gay out of my resentment towards women, my fucking shunning. I would have shunned the female community as a whole and were like, fuck you, you don't want me. I don't want you either. And I would have just fucking sucked my friend's dicks.

I actually believe this about you. And I also feel like there's part of your personality where you're like, whatever, this is fun or this is funny or like, doesn't it feel good? like you don't like it. I would have been, yeah. I would have been, I would have been, I would have been a closeted straight man, sucking dudes, dicks. Yeah. Secretly wanting to fuck women that didn't want to fuck me.

I wonder how many people fall into that category for real, real. I guarantee you there's a ton of lesbians like that. I guarantee you there's a ton of big looking women that were like, I wish I was more feminine looking. I wish I was what guys wanted. But it turns out, I look better in a Jeep with a visor on with a, with a, with a which chick next to me. And so I'm doing gay shit now.

So I'm going to do gay shit. Yeah. And it's like, I mean, I don't think guys, like soft guys can always get a woman. But I mean, I'm telling you, there's a whole swath of the internet that I bet like just really spiteful guys. You know, like the kind of guys that comment on, on like, uh, Nikki Glazer and Whitney and Natasha and all the guys that comment and they're like, I hope you get. Like those, you got to edit out the R word. Yeah. But there's

retarded. Okay. And, but there's a whole swath of guys like that. Yes. I think, I told you that, did I tell you my theory about,

um, oh, I told it on a podcast. I don't know. A lot of guys do hate women, though. You make a good point. A lot of guys.

And most of them have fat wives. And then do you feel like you were close to becoming a woman hater because of, you felt shunned? Close to become. I was a misogynist. I was a full-blown. when I met Leanne I did not like women

I hated them I resented them I resented them I resented their beliefs their thoughts if you tried to tell me what a woman earned 75% I would have been like yeah it's because we have the fucking jobs where we gotta go underwater

welding you take that fucking job bitch like I was that you were that guy I had to go to therapy Liam put me in therapy she was like you're a good guy this is off on you and I'm telling you That guy is this close to swallowing come. Yeah, that's really interesting. That's so true.

And I think a lot of in-cells are like you. Dude. Or like that version of you. I am so in-cell-adjacent. I am so Reddit adjacent. I can very easily, it's the reason I don't read comments. I get as moved. I can't watch.

I can't watch. I'm going to tell you a secret. I can't watch Sophie Cunningham videos. the WNBA player? Yes, I can't watch them. Why? This is going to get me in trouble. Okay.

The people that make those clips, those people. So, like, just so everyone's clear, the things you watch on the internet aren't the most popular things. They're clip farmed. Tom and I've hired a clip farm company to help us get more popular. It's how every podcaster you've ever known

that you're like, well, I love that guy. It's not because he's good. It's because he got clip farmed. They hired someone for $700,000. a year to clip them out and put them up there also the alt-right does that the white supremacists do that they clip farm for their people to up to bring their their cause to the front we have yeah we did we did we it was when you were going through the stuff with christina we did it behind your back so okay cool okay we just need to be bigger tom and and listen here's the deal yeah i am almost certain

that the Clu Klux Klan has clipped farmed Sophie Cunningham videos to recruit white supremists Really? Wait, how? I don't understand the correlation.

She's a beautiful blonde woman. She's our queen. She's beautiful. She's gorgeous. She's athletic. She's fun. She's slapping lesbian's tits around. Like, she's fun. But she's also beating the fuck out of black women.

Tom, every highlight reel. Hold on. Hang on one second. Every highlight reel is not her rebounding or scoring. It's her beating up a black woman. There are no highlight reels. Hold on. There's no highlight reels of her ability as a basketball player. It is her fucking up black chicks. And I had to stop watching them because I heard the inner voice, the inner Ku Klux Klan in everyone's head going, yeah, get them, get him, Sophie. And then I went, wait, what am I watching? What am I watching? I'm watching a beautiful girl. A girl that I would want Georgia to be friends with. A girl that I'd want

Ila and Georgia to go, dad, have you met her friend Sophie Cunningham? She plays basketball. And I was like, oh, cool. Hey, Sophie, want to shoot some hoops with me? And then we go into our backyard and she finds my indigenous neighbor and fucks her up. Like Sophie Cunningham. So, holy shit, man. Soaping Cunningham is a recruitment video

for the Ku Klux Klan. Do you watch like white star athletes in majority of black sports and get excited? Jason Williams! Jason Williams! Yeah. Jason Williams. Hold on. Jason Williams.

I know this is going to go to you. And I need you to know. I fucking love you, dude. You and Bob Surrah are like my two favorite white guys, okay? I love you guys. I love you guys. Hold on, hold on. This is going to come out wrong.

I hope Jason Williams can please understand what I'm saying. Okay. Okay. Jason Williams, I love you. I own your jersey when you played for the Kings. That was one of my prize possessions. When I first moved to L.A., I rocked to Jason Williams jersey because you played in Florida.

You and Randy Moss played together. I love you. I love you, Jason. please hear what I'm about to say Okay You're not the best Like you're okay You're a good

You're a good You're a good basketball player You're really good I'm really good I'm maybe you'll make it into the Hall of Fame I'm not certain But what happens is They clip him out

And when you see a white boy fucking up black dudes in their sport As a white guy It makes your heart skip a beat You're like yeah Get some Come on baby That's what I'm talking about

It's like watching, it's like why, it's like if you saw, this is going to say, I'm not going to say that because that's bad, but, but it's, and you, and I'm, I think that they use those videos. When you see Jason Williams tripping up black dudes, you're like, yeah, get some. But on the list of, of, of, of fucking guys that played his position. Yeah. How many were better. I mean, like, how many black guys? Where is he on that list? Well, here's the thing. It depends like, when you're talking about basketball, you're talking about, you're talking about. an array of skills, right? As a ball handler, he's arguably one of the best, dude. Hold on, now qualify that for me. And by the way, I love Jason Williams. But I also love him because I'm white. I love him because I'm white, Tom. Like, that's why I love him.

I'm Luke Tuma. I'm named Marshall. I'm the social media guy. Check out our new comedy sports show, Hoop and Huddled, presented by YMH Studios. This is Pardon Our Balls. That was perfect. I apologize.

You all right? You good. Today's episode is in partnership with Manscaped. Big news, gentlemen, Manscape just dropped the all-new lawnmower Ultra Gen 6. This is the product that made Manscape the global brand it is today. They've somehow made the goat of body trimmers even better by packing this thing with a bunch of upgrades. Manscape's newest model comes with two interchangeable blades. and skin-safe technology to ensure an ultra-smooth finish.

Whether it's fully charged or approaching the end of battery life, the motor's constant RPM means it delivers cutting-edge performance from start to finish. If you're already using a lawnmower, this feels like a serious upgrade, and if you've never tried Manscape before, the lawnmower is easily the most advanced body groomer they've ever made. Better blades, smarter features, longer battery life, and an overall grooming experience that's faster, easier, and a whole lot more comfortable. Head to manscape.com.

Use the code bears to get 15% off plus free shipping at checkout. That's 15% off plus free shipping with the code bears at manscape.com, or if you need it today, it's available now at Best Buy. This Saturday, the fight is on. And whatever you're watching, Draft Kings brings you closer to the MMA action. The Draft King Sports app is now live in all 50 states. One app, every sport, all 50 states. New Draft King customers sign up with Code Bears.

Spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 days. Includes all markets. That's code bears. And paid partnership with Draft Kings. The crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800 gambler. 1-800-Mye reset.

Connecticut call 888-889-7777 or visit ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas, vet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21 and over. Canada. Event contract trading with Draft King's predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get $50 in predictions dollars that expire in one year. Issued every seven days via click to claim for 21 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. And July 19th, terms at dkng.com slash audio.

Well, there's a lot of people that just loved, like just love watching a high level athlete regardless. Stop. If he was light-skinned, would I care? Well, you would, I think his handles were, were nutty enough. That was kind of the thing is that like he as a, a ball handler, like his handles, the way he dribbled, the way he passed, his passing was top tier passing, dude, like across the board. Listen, here's my question. And I asked this honestly, and I want to, I would love Jason Williams to answer this. On the list of, of point cards. Yeah.

where does he fall like where does he fall was it jason williams probably has a very very honest take on where he would rank himself as a point guard top 50 point guards of all time yeah he would make him yeah okay we'll type type it in i mean we have the internet i'm sure there's a person that's done this yeah top i mean i loved him but now i got to tell you and i and please see if if you identify with what i'm saying i loved him because he was white you loved him because he was white Do you feel this way about Luca Donchich and... No, they're not one of us. Well, because they're European players.

Yeah, they're fucking, they're different, bro. Larry Bird? Are you a bird guy? Shut the fuck up. It's like when... Come on, man. Come on. Okay.

I mean, look at Boston, the entire city of Boston, only watched basketball because of Larry Bird. Yeah, yeah, they love... The entire fucking city just watched because of Larry fucking Bird. Well, I think... To how many black guys... guys played on the Celtics that were better. Well, not a lot. Larry Burb was pretty fucking amazing.

But what I'm saying is, but what I'm saying is like when a white guy does it. Yeah. Look at the these are the top point guards of all time. I mean, look at Stockton, dude. John Stockton, no highlight reel, though. No, he has a highlight reel. What are you talking about? Yeah, but it's in black and white.

No one wants to watch some shit. No, John Stockton was unbelievable. Steve Nash, Steve Nash, Steve Nash, absolute, they say, across the board. But Stockton, wait, how can we just run by Stockton? Stockton was un-fucking real. Durable. Everybody who played against and talked about... Pull up at John Stockton, pull up a John Stockton highlight reel.

All he did was dish, man. He would dish it. Let's see it. Okay. You want to see it? I want to see it. There's endless highlights. Hang on.

There's a lot of... Hang on. Before you pull up the highlight, because I do want to see it, there's a lot of these lunch, pale white guys that show up and just dribble like this, right? Yeah. Stockton was incredible.

Two hands. Two hands. Pass it. and then just do the job. They just do the job. They don't have flare. They have boring haircuts. They have underarm hair.

They have back hair. No one wants to watch them because they're not dishing. Now, here's a deal. Now, listen, I've told you already, I fucking love Jason Williams. Well, look. But he had pizzazz. He had razzle dazzle. He had a little, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He was doing what the black guys did, but with our skin tone. That's what I loved. I know exactly what you're saying. This, but Stockton did not have the same level of flare, but as far as being an unbelievable point guard, he is a top, top tier point card, man. John Stockton is like, is like, uh, he's like, uh, House of Pain or Third Base. He's good. Gary, you'd think Gary Payton, right, the glove, listen to him talk about John Stockton.

I don't want to hear that shit. I want to see a highlight reel. Okay. Then put on a John Stockton. highlight real, dude. A lot of bounce passes. A lot of shit coaches high five before. No, dude, come on.

Let's see John Stockton. Stockton was incredible, man. Yeah. Dude, that pass is fucking perfect. Boring. Dude, he just, he... Look at his haircut. Oh, I'd also do my taxes.

No, his haircut's not great. I will give you the haircut. John Stockton doesn't drink and drive. Dude, this is... He's an antisemitic. What? He's anti-vaxxer. Vaxer, yes.

Maybe he's an athlete. I understand that. Just a boring pass. That... Let me tell you something. If Jason Williams did that, he would have done one of these numbers. He would have gone,

what, huh? Look at that. Yeah, he would have had more flare. And then he would have got like this. Like, yeah, baby. I'm kind of black, but not with my haircut. Yeah, he did have a better haircut. I agree.

More tats. Look at this. Yes. Yes, I did it. Yay. Yay. Jump John. Stockton, golly garn.

Ghaly, darn it. I can't wait to have a hot pocket when I get home. Okay, let's watch some more Stockton here. John Stockton. And here we go. I'll just do a layup. What do you want him to do? Boring!

I bet if I played one-on-one with John Stockton, no one would watch. Now, I bet if I played one-on-one with Jason Williams, people would tune the fuck in and be like, I want to see him cross up this fat white dude. Yeah, that part's true. But John Stockton... John Stockton? John Stockton. Listen, man.

Obviously, please, the people that are going to lose in their mind, my job in here is to argue a crazy point. I'm a comedian, but I will stand my fucking ground. If I play John Stockton, he would just dribble past me and do a layup, and then dribble past me and do a layup, and then go to the fucking three-point line and shoot a very solid coaches. You want more excitement. Coaches loved working with John Stockton.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying. Do you know what coaches said when fucking Jason Wendellon? have stepped on the court. I got to fucking reel this kid in. I'm going to break him like a stallion. None of that, none of that bullshit. This isn't a playground,

Jason. And he's like, all right, bra. All right, bra. All right, bra.

Shababba, blah, bab, buabababab. Wabba. And then the black dudes are like, damn white chocolate. And it's like,

his name is Jason. Shut the fuck up, coach. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I know what you're saying.

You want a, yeah. Ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, what I'm explaining is, What percent is gay are you? Richie Patton. Richie Patton.

Yeah. Richie Patton. Yeah. Remember that guy, the Irish boxer? He was okay. Now, could he fuck me up? 100%. But he was white.

And so in a weird way, it tickles your inner fucking racist. And you go, it's one of our guys doing it. Yeah. Ricky Hatton, my bad. Sorry. But Ricky Hatton, great boxer. Mickey Ward. Great boxer.

is he Floyd Mayweather? No, but do white people sometimes, sometimes, this is what I'm talking about. Do they watch Floyd Mayweather and they get outraged that he's carrying around a fucking Louis Vuitton bag of a million dollars? Hold on, this gets to the point of like, what position in sports that a white guy can do that is normally not white is the most like, oh my God, right?

So boxing is one. in basketball it's almost any position but but a point card no one wants to see a white center yeah no no i'm saying but if a white center were like that like if he had that level of play you'd be like so i think the position that is the most holy shit in our major sports is a white guy in secondary like a white corner or punt returner there's like white punt returner a white punt returner a white db shut the fuck up db even more more rare than receiver because there's a there's a few which is always like oh wow there's a white receiver but a white db is there are there any white db's starting white dbs in the nfl i look that up riley moss who riley moss why aren't you typing

i i i don't have a computer not you oh oh yeah cooper de jane Yeah. And he can dunk. Cooper de Jean. Yeah. He can dunk. Yeah. Dude, there's something about us whites where we've dominated so much.

There was another. Okay. This says, I'm glad you cut me off. I'm glad you cut me off. A unanimous All-American at Iowa. There was a punt returner at Iowa. Is it, was it Curtis that would take back punts? And every time you were like, how is this white kid doing this?

Yes. dude he was a white historical grades look they have like a special category for white safeties and corners there was a that's not who they have they have a they have a category for white pun return look look it go back one where you were before before that greatest historic harrison smith multi multi time pro bowler all pro eric wettel john lynch of course jason sehorn Seahorn was notable because he would take back kicks, like kickoffs. You'd never have white kickoff returners. Jason Seahorn and I are Eskimo brothers.

Are you really? If you count French kissing as Eskimo brothers. Okay. Leanne? No, no, I wish. Yeah, that'd be cool. His first wife, I dated her when she was like young. Really?

We Frenched. Yeah, he was a fucking, this guy was. And then he married Angie Harmon. Angie Harmon is one hot fucking woman. I sat near her on a plane one time. Incredible calves, incredible forearms, great fingers, beautiful jawline, great hair. Everything about that woman's perfect. Look at her.

Look at her fucking angles. Yeah, that's great. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. Wait, I got to look at it. His first wife's gorgeous too. Who's the Iowa punt returner, Tim, Tim something? Is it Tim Kurt?

Am I saying that now? Tim Kareeb died. No, not him. Punt returner. Tim. Tim. Tim, Tam. Tim Dwight.

Tim Dwight. Tim Dwight. Look at his fucking profile picture. He's that a bag of Coke and a fucking... He's in a Boeing C-17 there? All right. Type in Tim Dwight Punt returns. That's him.

It's wide receiver. That was him, Tom. I know. I know. Now we're looking it up. Like this dude, I'm telling you. when you were like, because I'm like a middle school or something

or high school watching this, and I'm like, we still got it, you know, tearing up. Just kind of, and this looks like it's from like 1940 something. But this dude on Saturdays was dangerous, bro.

Dude. You never saw white guys taking back punts like this. There was another guy too at Notre Dame. But hold on, let me ask you this. Like, let's get meta about this. Because I hate to say,

this, but you 100% are exactly who I'm talking about. When I say white guys love watching a white guy almost get accepted or equal black guys at their game. Yeah, like this right here. Oh, and there's time. Yeah, like this. Yeah, yeah. Yes, exactly. You love that. I love that, but it is a weird thing that it's almost like it could be used as a Ku Klux Klan recruitment video. I didn't I didn't think it was that but I know I know what you're saying because it makes the whites go like oh like we have one we can do it all

yeah we we have we have a representative in your sport it's like it makes you feel it's like how people get accepted about Eminem rapping right Eminem yes and now now is Eminem the greatest rapper of all time well that's a funny one because a lot of people people, a lot of people in hip hop will be like, hey, you're crazy if you say no. They'll give him credit. They're just like, he's not, he's not what you hear at the club. He's not what you hear

the argument is like, it's not what people are bumping in their, in their car in the hood, right? So like, they remove him from the argument, but a lot of, a lot of people in hip hop will go, like, nobody wants to battle this guy. Still, they're like, he is. still such an incredible MC. But it is a funny one to bring up because a lot of people will make the argument, like one way or the other, that like he's not the club jam, he's not what people are playing in their car,

but also who has more skills than this guy? Who wants to battle this guy? And it's usually like not a lot of people. Yeah. A lot of people. So yeah, it's a valid argument. Let me tell you something, people. Catching hair loss early makes all the difference.

The sooner you start, the better off you are and the better options you have. Hymns makes starting simple with a 100% online process and personalized treatment plans delivered straight to you. I'll tell you my treatment plan, fenestride and monocidil, intopical and oral, and it's working. My daughters are making fun of how much hair I have. I showed it to Tom, and Tom said, did you get hair transplants? I saw someone yesterday who I hadn't seen in probably 10 years.

Her name is Lonnie. and she said, did you get hair transplants? No! I just did something about it. Hems offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that work, including choose, oral medications, serums, and sprays. Prescription and strength ingredients like fneseride and monoxidil can help prevent further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months.

It's been four for me for simple online access to personalize and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss. and more, visit Hems.com slash bears. That's Hymns.com slash bears for your free online visit. Hems.com slash bears. Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality prescription is required.

Individual results may vary. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. The ideal of feeling better is interesting to me. Because in different points of my life, it's changed. Now, if you had asked me and I had not been in therapy, it would have remain the same the entire time.

Have fun. Throw parties. Go on the road. Make money. Have a happy family. Throw parties. Go on the road. Make money.

As I get older, I learn more about myself. It's because of therapy. Now, I would have never said this a million years ago. Better means a little more structure in my life. Wow. I can't believe I'm saying that. I learned that in therapy. better is a feeling defined by you

and for better help it's a better help therapist who really gets you it's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries it's progress

and it's getting better at putting a little more structure in my life I grew up with chaos chaos is the reason I have panic attacks I would love a little more structure not a ton just a little bit sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's better help.com slash bears.

Yeah, I just want to say once again, I love Jason Williams, and I love Sophie Cunningham, and I love Eminem. I just, I got to tell you. You love your white pride. Sometimes I don't like the way the internet uses them. Well, you know, I think you're in a little bit of an interesting position talking about this also because of that new California bill, as a guy who you live in California, you conduct business there and they're forcing people now to disclose their slavery ties

and that's going to be i think something that you're going to have to deal with oh what were the kreysers up to back in the 1830s you know right 1830s what were the crissers doing you know you know i can find out really yeah he asked your dad if his family owned slaves right now i'm not going to ask him that. Oh, how... Hey, Dad, did we own slaves? Did you say, did P-Paw own a slave? No, shut the fuck up. Let me handle this. Did Papa own slaves?

Stop talking. Okay. Telephone number. He's got a lineage. He knows when we came to the country. He does? Yeah. I do too, actually. This is him. I don't think we can't. I'll find out. Hey, dad.

Hello. Hey, dad. When did our family come to the United States? You mean the crisis? Yeah. 18, probably 18, mid-18, mid-18, 100s. Can we get like a real number on that? Well, my grandfather was born in 1896 in New York. And then I think his parents came here from Germany.

Nice. Awesome. Thank you, Dad. Okay, you're welcome. Bye-bye. We are clean, Tom. I got to tell you something not the same in my family. We came in the 1740s to Louisiana and we had quite a collection. Louisiana, we had quite the collection.

Yeah, they weren't good guys that came over. We learned about that. Really? Yeah, the first guy that came over, Francisco came over from Malaga, from Andalusia, Spain, to Louisiana with a bunch of other spicks and they partook in the free labor

that was available at the time. And they made a good living for themselves, which is usually not when you were a good dude. Dude, the way you collect cars, can you imagine your slavery collection? Oh, my God. You would have a separate garage for your slaves. What a horrible but accurate analogy.

Wait, do you see how fast this one is? Oh, my God. Jesus. Yeah, they were they were not good, good dudes back then. But you know what we got away from is what percentage gay are you? Now, okay, so I feel like.

I'll tell you this first. So for me, right, you start, you have to start, you start by going, I'm zero percent. And then you start to like add things up, right? I like clothes. So right there, you got to give me 10%. I like clothes. All right, I don't like clothes.

So you take away 10, go. I like talking about dicks. I love talking about dicks. Put another 10 in. Yeah, exactly. I love, if a guy said to me casually at a bar that I did not know, would you like to see a picture of my dick? I'd go 100%.

100%. And if anybody ever even says the word dick, I'll be like, who are you talking about it now? Mine? Yours? If it was socially acceptable to look at other dudes' dicks at the fucking urinal, I would. Every time. Every time.

I even catch my, I mean myself volunteering information I know about famous dicks and people are like, well, that's, you know a lot about it. Jim Norton's got a huge dick. I saw it at the urinal on accident when we were did last comic standing two. And I think about it a lot. Wow. Yeah. That was 20 years ago. That was 22 years ago. It's fun to talk about. So 10% there, right? Yeah. What else? What is a, how much do you like women? I like women. I like women a lot. No, no, no, no, not just like the physicality of them I'm in. But like when a woman, okay, here, okay, you ready for this? Yeah. Let's break this down because this is going, this went viral online. Yes.

Oh, you're talking about like hanging out with either. No, no, no, no, no. How much can you accept a flaw in a woman? Like could you date a woman that was riddled with stretch marks? Oh, I see, I see. Yeah. Like I could. I find the, for lack of better words, the flaw.

And I won't say flaw because I'm, I'm attracted to them. I know what you're saying. But the things that Leanne's insecure about actually turn me on. I would not say that that's something that applies to you about women. I think that applies to you about Leanne. You just. No, no.

It's, it's, it's, we, I had another friend who I, who I had something go on. And I remember saying, I, I, I like it. It doesn't bother me. And then she was like, yeah, but you're broken. You like flaws in people. And I was like, oh, really? Hmm, maybe. So.

I like that. stuff too though I find that attractive yeah I perfection is not like the most like I could totally could you date a girl with one leg yeah yeah me too I almost like it more yeah you ever date somebody with a disability does cerebral palsy count yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I dated her really oh yeah oh yeah got a blow job and everything no shit yeah yeah how long did you date her for uh on and off like Like, probably, it's like a few weeks, you know, I guess. I don't remember.

It was a long time ago. Like severe? You didn't know she had it? You didn't know she had it? Because I was drinking a lot. So I couldn't really tell because we were both stumbling and both of us were like a little debilitated. And then my buddy Tony Hernandez, shout out to Tony Hernandez who makes all my TV shows.

He was like, I think you need to go out with her in the light. What? I was like, what? I thought she was a dude. I was like, wait, what? And he was like, dude, there's something off with your chick. I was like, you're just jealous. She was so beautiful, Tom.

So, she looked like Sarah Michelle Geller, but hotter. And she had some, like, notable cerebral. Very notable. Like, when I was sober, I was like, Jesus Christ, how did I not see this? But did you love her more because of it? Or were you just like? I did. I did.

I was like, I was like. You found it endearing. Well, I know, I kind of celebrated me because I was like, I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. I was like, nice. Look at me, I'm not leaving. I could see you do. I liked her more because it made me feel better about myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder what she's doing. There's no way she's still alive. Yeah. Why? I don't know. I just think that about people. They're dead?

Yeah. Okay. There's a chick I told a story about on this podcast. And I was like, I was like, maybe I shouldn't tell this. I mean, maybe they'll get upset or the people that are involved to get set. I was calling her a liar. Mm-hmm. And then I just casually like,

she's probably dead. And Leanne's like, why? And I was like, I don't know. She's probably. Probably. Is she? I don't know. I can find out.

I'll look for her on Instagram. Call your dad. I can find out real quick. Watch this. Did you tell your dad that you dated the girl with cerebral palsy? No. Why would he have said? He wouldn't,

he was just been like, what? God damn it. Is this one of your fucking stories? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? I'll tell you if she's dead or not real quick. Um

Uh huh Nope she's alive Awesome man Jesus Christ Oh wow she looks good too Is this which one is this One with cerebral palsy or the other one No it's a chick

It's kind of a shitty story Yeah I told her I had to call a lawyer before I told it Because it's kind of I was like nervous And then the lawyer did research And he's like no you're good telling it Um

Uh no, I, I, Cotty listened to our episode from last week. My sister, we heard a Dodgers game. She goes, so I heard you talking to Tom about, uh, your sleep anxiety. And I was like, yeah. She goes, you have a hard time going to sleep, do you? I was like, yeah. She's like, and I go, it's because, you know, we didn't have a bedtime growing up.

No one, like, tucked us in. And Cotty takes a sip of her drink and goes, grow the fuck up. She goes, you're a 53 year. old millionaire and you're having a hard time going to sleep you're in therapy she goes god damn it fuck off she goes people have real problems and you're in therapy you're paying to talk to someone about your bedtime as a child i mean i don't know i kind of i kind of side with you on that thank you yeah because i'm like what am i paying therapy like i go you're supposed to unpack this shit you got a you're never going to get over it that route you're going to

get through it by talking it out. I think you should talk it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of therapy could be, there should be some one just in the side of therapy like Joey Diaz going, grow the fuck up. Right, that's a very Diaz approach to it. Yeah.

Hold your dick and fucking eat a 300,000 milligrams dog. You'll sleep fine. You're like, okay, thank you. And then Ila said, I said, she goes, hey, did you say I would fight Tom's son? and I was like I might have said I might have suggested that you guys fight yeah she goes just so that you know let him know I'll pedal to the metal him I was like what she goes dad I will body a 10 year old he would be so angry so angry if I told him that she goes dad I would fucking ragdall him I would fucking own him tap snap and then nap I would put him to bed and I went are you fucking serious I don't even I don't want to tell him this because I don't want to see how fucking upset it makes him. I said to her, I said, what's your price point for a YMH live stream in the Octagon,

you and Ellis? How fucking fun would that be? Can I tell you what's beautiful about that, right? Yeah. So like most guys, when they fight a woman, they don't want to beat them up too bad because they've been taught not to hit a woman and they've seen it online and stuff. Yeah, I just saw some guy doing it. But at 10 years old,

you don't know that yet you're like fuck this she's a fucking a threat to me yeah so he would go full fucking bore after her oh yeah and she would go full it's the fairest fight with a woman like i know sophia cunningham doesn't want them in their sport and i understand that but like we need to have trans children fighting women we put a wig on ellis so that it's acceptable it's work yeah he dude he would get so fucking fired up if I was like hey Bert's daughter wants to he'd be like how tall is she what is she way how old is she she oh she saw she saw a video of Julian that you sent me yesterday yeah she goes is he that big and I went no like they they're he Julian's a little smaller but else a little taller she goes I'd fucking body him he would get so bad he would get so

mad she was that it wouldn't even be fair like i would get him i would get on top of him get his is she home right now she's home right now dude when you see her send me a video okay and then i'll i said to her i said to her can i make this happen can we do a live stream let's just do the video i just want to show him a video and and like i'll record his response okay and then i'll send it to you because he he he he's gonna get so mad He'll come in the middle of the night Like, hey, like three in the morning Is that, is that girl?

Is she ready? Is she ready to, because is she 5, 6, 5, 7? Like, he'll definitely. She's not that tall. And I bet they're like, if you put them both in geese, they're going to look similar. How tall is she? How tall is I?

Like 5, 5, 4? Okay. How tall is Leanne? Like 100, 100 pounds, maybe. She weighs 100 pounds? She's tiny, dude. Really? Skinny, mini.

Yeah. She just worked out with us this morning. So she's strong. She's doing fucking devil's press with 20s. No. So, like, she's strong. He's definitely stronger, dude. She's a grown-up.

Yeah, he's 10 years old. I mean, 10 years old versus a 20-year-old. Yeah. I think it's a fair fight. Oh, my God. I laughed so hard because I was drinking. I was having such a good time. I didn't take my Minjaro.

I knew I was going to the Dodgers game. I was supposed to take my Minjaro yesterday. You skipped a day off. Dude, I eat cookies. I ate pizza. I hate fucking pretzels. I ate everything. I fucking threw up in my mouth all night when I slept.

It was so enjoyable. I think I breathed it into my lungs because I woke up with the cough. I woke up at the middle of the night and took a shit. I woke up in the middle of the night, Tom. Hold on. I hang on. I actually almost sent this to you. I woke up at the middle of the night.

And I took a shit so big for fucking at 2.30 in the morning. this is that shit at 2.30 in the morning. At 2.30 in the morning. Alright, turn it back. At 2.30 in the morning. I heard you. And can you imagine taking that big of a shit

at 2.30 in the morning? After a Dodgers game, I shit that much. Bro, I'm gonna fucking throw up. I mean, Tom, it's two different shits. It's one shit and then another shit. These are two different meals that I ate at a Dodgers game that came out in different capacities.

There was a lot of food at the Dodgers. game. I had pizza. I had peanuts. I had a bag of fritos. I had three different types of cookies. I had, I had, I had fish. I had proteins. I had treats. No, you covered it. I think we got it. I mean, do you know what it's like to wake up at two in the morning and take a fucking dump where you're sitting there for a while? Where you wake yourself up by shitting. I got on my phone and started doing a crossword at two in the morning. I've done it, dude. I know exactly. I know. I mean, it's, it's kind of, especially if it's a healthy shit, then it actually feels good. If it's a disaster shit, it's different.

I don't know. There is a brand out there. Yeah. I said this to whoop. When I, because everyone knows, I live and die by my whoop. I love my whoop. I love it. I love it.

And when I did that podcast over with Will at whoop, I said, I wish there had a thing, like a whoop for shitting where you could shit in something and it would measure what you ate and tell you how healthy you were. Dude. They have one. They have it. They fucking have it. And I want it.

And I'm going to put it. And then at 2.30 in the morning, I'm going to be shitting like I'm working out. Like, you know when you work out and your whoop and you get excited to see what your strain is? I can't wait to shit. And then look at my phone and be like, oh, look at this. Look at this fiber. That's fiber one. I put that on my, all my fucking Kodiak protein waffles last night.

Good for you, man. Dude, can you get us that, please? Someone listening. They already sent it. To who? I got it here Is this it? That's it

Yes It's called throne Yes Yeah you're close You said crown Um Stop throne Why does it say stop throne

Shop throne? Shop throne Shop throne Shop throne How does it work It says how it works How does it work? It's a hand

You shit into a hand And it goes like this And it goes Ah That sounds like steak Feels like steak It tracks your gut health hydration urinary health with every flush how does how okay so it just goes in there

it's like that's a good shit and then it just tells you like that was nice i think you should have like a like a mouth like you should know a mouth yeah yeah and then it closes like it bites off logs yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no golden cancer that's a really cool idea man it should be a mouth you You should design that. You should see a doctor. Did you see that everybody lost their mind at the Philadelphia Eagles male cheerleader? I hope they lost her mind in a good way because I'm about to throw another 10% gay in my bag. That's what I was about to say.

I would take another 10% for that. I think it's great. Let me tell you something. I'm going to stop everyone who has anything negative to say about a male cheerleader. You haven't paid attention to how much better they are than the women. the women get their job with just some tits and ass, a nice head of hair. That's all they need to do. Can they dance?

Yeah, I hope they took a ballet class as a kid. They dressed up as a chicken and did the dance for their recital. But that dude faced adversity. He faced people calling him gay through high school. He faced everyone looking at his outfits, including his dad and his dad's brother who runs a fucking HVAC company calling him gay. And then he fought through that adversity to stand on that field. to those women who didn't even earn their way

in my opinion. He earned his fucking way and to dance for us. You pay attention to how much better he is than the rest of the fish in the sea and you're going to find that that is what you should focus on. That is the best dancer. That is the Jason Williams. That is the M&M. That is the outlier. God damn and I fucking love male cheerleaders. Definitely maybe 12% for you.

Dude, look at him. I love male cheerleaders. He's so much better than the women. Look at him. yeah this is right you know how much better you have to be and i love that they chose this in philly the people of philadelphia deserve this the hate-filled people of philly i hope this bothers you because i've added a second show in philadelphia you fucking deserve it i'm going to do a promo today of me as a male cheerleader he's fantastic man i wish there were more male cheerleaders in the NFL dude the ones for the rams you see him in college sometimes they're usually the big guys stop that stop that stop that

I'm talking about this. Yeah. That's what, yes. No, fuck. Okay. Those, I don't, I don't, I don't, like, I know that we've got a couple friends that were married cheerleaders in college. That's a different thing.

When you just hold chicks' pussies. Yeah, I get it. It's like being a fucking male gynecologist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a finger bitches too for a living, but I'm a grown-up. I got a real job. Yeah. It's a cheat code.

You should be no male gynecologists and no male pediatricians. How do you feel about female? urologists there's hangling dick i'm in i'm in i'm in yeah yeah you like dick come on get some get some dicks yeah get some dicks that's what i say to my female urologist when she goes i need to your penis i go i'm waiting for this i go come get it isn't that crazy that if you're a female urologist that like every day you have like 15 dicks in your hand for for your career like every day why not just hang out of the truck stop and do the same fucking job like how many dicks have you handle she's at the end she's like i don't know like 10 000 it's so crazy it's like a waffle house

lady dealing with straws oh yeah hang on so so the the college cheerleaders i get it i get it like i get it like hold her up that's cool whatever you want to do i i support you i think that's awesome follow your fucking dream that's great but i will say you're not the same as this guy this guy's better than you this guy none of the cheerleading sport is in professional cheerleasing These guys pull up the Rams male cheerleaders. I've fucking love. I've got pictures of that dude. On my phone, I have pictures of that dude.

And there's a couple, and they're so much better than the women. No offense to the women, listen, if it was just dudes, we wouldn't watch. But you throw a couple fucking 10 dudes, dudes in there that bang, and it's so much better. They lift, they raise the fucking high tide for all the boats. Watch how good they are, Tom. Yeah. Oh my God. that's the black guy i fucking love that dude well there's just this is just an interview yeah i think

you're up to like 25 30% gay now i like it watch watch how much better they are tom why am we watching it like it's 1972 i don't know i'm looking for a bunch of stills put together in a fucking real in a carousel three cheers no this is them doing a there they are they're kind of fucking out there. Fuck yes, dude. There they are. Yeah. Look at him.

Fucking, come on. He's so much better than them. I mean, no offense to that girl. She's great, but without her tits, is she good? If you give her a dick, is she as good as him? I don't know, man. That's a really good question. But yeah.

Look at him. Look at him. I mean, they're pro dancers, dude. That's what they are. They're professional dancers. And he had to earn his job. Yeah, you're right. He had to fight for his job.

You had to fight for his job. Yes. You know what? He's like, he's like the first black quarterback. You had to be that much better than everyone else. Shout out to Doug Williams. I think you make a good point. How many percentage gay do you think you are now?

I mean, right now when we haven't even fucking wrapped the case, I'm at 45%. Yeah, you're up there, yeah. I think so. I'm already where Joe Biden's son is. Yeah. And then like in a locker room, do you like being naked? Yeah. And do you like seeing other people naked too?

Yeah. Sanas? Like the public sauna? Come on. If you're a young boy and you come in these shorts, I say something to you. If you're a young boy and you come in shorts, what do you say?

If you're like, you know, like this generation, like Kyle's 31 and he's like, he can't be naked. It freaks him out. Like he sees you naked. He's like, do you got to tell me, man. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, and like I don't get that.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If you are Kyle and you go into a sauna like Kyle does in like a shirt and a pair of shorts with slides on, I say, you know, when I was a kid, you showed up just naked. And then they say to me, you are naked.

And I go, yeah, you're supposed to be naked. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's how son is work. How about, okay, here's another one. How much do you check out men's physiques? Give me another 10%. Right.

Too much. I watch, I have a whole fucking thing just on bodybuilding on, I could. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. even in person, like when you're like just in a social situation, if you see a guy with a great bod,

do you immediately comment on it? I cheese check dudes all the time. Yeah. Yep. If I see a dude with a good boy and if I see a sloppy dude, I wonder what, what is he doing? Yeah. But the good ones, do you chat them up? Do you chat them up?

I'll say stuff like, God damn, you those are big legs. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be like, I'll definitely bring them up. Dude, can I tell you I got it. I'm only laughing because I, like, I'm the same way. And immediately, like, even like Sean's always with me. And he knows. Like, there'll be like, he'll see me.

He's like, are you looking at that guy? And I'm like, what? He's like, are you going to? And then he'll see me talking. He's like, were you talking to the guy about like his workouts and shit? And I was like, yeah. Yeah. And I was talking about his diet and everything.

He's like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, I immediately go and talk to that guy. I'm like, dude, I was looking at your chest from across. I feel safer. I feel safer talking to a gay guy. Oh, yeah. Fucking 100%. Yeah.

There was a thunderstorm at the pool at the fourth when I was shooting free bird. And everyone's hanging out and I got, I don't'm afraid of lightning. So I went under this awning. And under the awning, there happened to be a bunch of gay dudes who had all met on like grinder or whatever.

I'm sure that's not the one they use. But, and they were having a meetup. And I talked to this one guy who, had gone on a date there. I know, I know he's watching, because he was a fan of, he knew who I was. He was gay, and he had gone on a date with one guy,

and the guy had a fucking huge nose. He was not attractive, but he was confidence. He was like six, two, and this guy was more like five, eight, and he was like, and then he was already hooking up with another guy at the fucking pool.

Like he had gone on a date, and he was already hooking up. And he said to me, he goes, hey man, I'm a fan. And I was like, oh, thanks. And we were all just, you know,

hiding from the rain and the thunder. And then he was like, I was like, what are you doing? He was like, well, I came on a date. And then he fucking left me in the middle of this date for this guy. Now they're hanging out. And he's like, this is what sucks about being gay.

And then a very gay dude came over. And he was like, hi. And he started flirting with me. And then I was like, yeah. And I mentioned you. I said my partner, Tom, I didn't realize that what it sounded like. Yeah, yeah.

He goes, how do you guys know him? And he goes, oh, I'm a fan. And I go, yeah, me and my partner. I have a vodka. That's the hat that I'm wearing. And he was like, oh, oh, where's your partner? And I said, who knows? And he went, oh, oh. I said, yeah, he's, he's probably in Austin. He goes, you guys don't live in the same city. I said, we used to. And then for tax purposes, he left and went to Austin. He was, like, confused. And then he's like, so are you available? And I was like, huh? And he was like, are you available? And he was smaller than the other guy. And I said, no, no, I'm married. And he goes, I thought you said you guys were just partners. And I went, no, I'm, business partners. Yeah, business partners.

And he goes, wait, are you gay? And I said, no. And he goes, then what are you doing here? And I go, I'm just afraid of lightning. And he was like, what? And I go, there's lightning out here. By the way, you're the one person in this world that I would believe. if they were like, I was just hiding from some lightning and rain.

And then I just, I don't know why, but I just ended up fucking this guy. And it was crazy. But anyway, that's in the past. I would totally believe you if you said that to me. If you were like, he was small, I wanted to try it. It was fun, but it's not for me. What's so funny is the first guy I met, I saw every day in the gym after that. I saw him every day.

Yeah. And he was always like, if you find any cute guys, let me know. And I was like, I'm on it. I'm on it. So yeah, throw another 10% in the bucket for me. I mean, you're at 75% I think, dude. I'm at 75%. I got to be honest with you, if I met a cool trans chick,

yeah. I don't know if the dick would get in the way with me. I think I could see past it. Yeah. I'd be like, you just got a really big clit. Yeah. And it really fills up my mouth. When you come, it grows a little bit.

Cool. that's pretty cool um we should uh wait wait what what what percentage of gay are you because now that you know yeah i mean if you're ever going to explore your sexuality now's the time totally right i i mean i really tagged i mean i said the um i said clothes clothes dicks dicks um like talking about dicks looking at dicks making it a subject matter at dinner for sure um checking out physiques so that's 30% um what else what um liking the

cheerleader 10% 40% um oh oh do you do any type of like you do like those patches under your eyes right so that's another 10% yeah so I think i mean i do skincare stuff a $5,000 laser to get rid of the sunspots on this side of my face like a red light therapy thing or what yeah red light therapy i picked this side of

the fucking couch to sit on when i could have sat on this side this is my car window side. Passenger side. No, no, no, no, no. Driver's side. So this side, my entire life just got sun. Right. And this side is all fucking damaged.

And I, you know, I see it when I watch Two Bears. I see that this side looks horrible. This side looks incredible. I look like fucking 32. And so I got a laser, like a $5,000 laser. I forget what it's called, like a halo or velo or billow or something. Five grand. Five grand.

It's the highest end laser. you can get. It's like, it's like, it's, it's like, uh, industrial grade. And I think I'm at here for three minutes. I think I'm at between 40 and 50%. I think that's where I am. Yeah. I'm probably 65. So like, like, I'll tell you this. You're 35% straight. I got into a conversation. Like, what? So like, if, if, if every, okay. What? If every theme, if every comic started a, uh, Only fans. Yeah. Would you be more excited to see John Malaney naked or Whitney Cummings?

Oh yeah, Malaney. Melani, without a doubt, I would fucking, by the way, if he, if he needs money ever, a hardcore John Malaney subsite, like, like, just like very submissive and like. Such a weird thing to say. I'm in, I'm in. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sure John will get into this. I mean, go through it.

Go through it. Yeah. Pete Davidson? Yeah. Come on, dude. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Pete David starts an only fans.

It's a good way to make money. He retires. He does not need to do stand up anymore ever again. Ever, yeah. Ever. Do you know how many people would sign up for Pete Davidson's only fans? No, that would be a huge moneymaker, without a doubt. I mean, I'm almost befuddled that he's never thought about it.

Maybe he has. That's a good one. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think the guys, yes. What are their comics? What are their male? comics, would you be excited for if they put out an only fans? Like, would you go like, hold on.

I just did, I had this conversation with a young lady. I forgot her name. Her name is Victoria. She was on a radio show with me. And we got back and forth about it. We kind of got heated about it. Like, she was like, that's not heated, but like into it. I got into it.

Oh. Like, I would, I mean, no, I don't think any, I don't, you know, I've always toyed with the idea of starting an only fans. And I don't think anyone would go nuts over my only fans. But John Mullaney naked? Yeah. Yeah. yeah that would be good um who else would be pass i pass i've already seen it it'd be weird but he'd

make it weird and fun he would do weird shit i think yeah a lot of anime they're like pick his nose a hello kitty shit some weird shit yeah by the way sat at the dodgers game next to a bunch of japanese guys yeah and uh and i'm like i go i think this is so fucking cool because we were in a suite and they're in the suite next to us and i and you know there's glass up so you can't really like hear them and i was like it's so cool that a bunch of japanese businessmen would fly over to watch otani like and my daughter's like i think they're from america and i was like no they're japanese she was like i they're wearing like dodgers shit and i go they're otani fans like they all flew in from japan what made you think they flew in versus just living there i because they were

japanese and they were all together oh oh okay yeah there's a good chance that they're just Americans. Oh, they were. Oh, they were? Oh, I found out the hard way. Were you like, welcome here? I was giving them thumbs up, you know, like they do. Yeah.

It's very fun. Are you guys having a good time? And the guy goes, yeah, we are. And I went, okay. Hot dogs. Good. No chopsticks with them, huh? Just put it right in your mouth.

Yeah. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Hang on. Can I ask you real quick? Side more, and I know we're probably getting to the end of this. And by the way, this has been... We got to do our Mountain Dews submissions, dude.

Hang on, real quick. Yeah? Did you follow any of what happened with Otani's translator? Yeah, but I only know, like, when the story broke, it was like, hey, his translator was, was, like, gambling with his money and took a bunch of money. $40 million. Yeah, yeah, and spent on gambling. And then I heard...

through other people like yeah but then the story developed more and it was like it wasn't that he didn't know what was happening but i'm saying saying that like as something that i heard and i don't know more details about do you know them i wouldn't trust your version of the story no i wouldn't not trust my version of the story but i do i couldn't get past the fact of what a fucking gig is it to be translator to a guy who does not speak English who has $180 million and be sitting at the bank with him as a translator and goes

and just be like, wait, that's so crazy. He just said, I should be able to sign off on this account. Are you sure? And then he was like, huh? He's like, yeah, he said, yeah. And then they're like, because he had full access to his money. That's crazy that your translator would.

Yeah, I don't understand that. I don't know. It feels like it's a more, you know, juicy story. He struck out four fucking times last night. Were you like, what the fuck? Go back to your country. I was like, dude, when you strike

out four times, you're just a tall Japanese guy. Yeah. Fucking hit dingers. He's the Jason Williams for them. He's the Jason Williams for them. Like when they see a Japanese guy own our sport, we created it. Yeah, that's our sport. That is true.

Then that's the thing. But here's the crazy part is I love him, too. I celebrate watching a Japanese guy be, be without a doubt the best that's ever played the sport. Without a doubt, I think he will go down as the best that's ever played the sport. Without pitching, hitting the best that's ever played the sport. He's incredible. He is incredible.

He's amazing to watch. He's beautiful to watch swing. Everything about him's confident. I love that he works with New Balance. Like, I fucking love that guy. He did strike out four times. This is what he said. So Otani's interpreter, Mizuhara, was sentenced to 57 months in federal prison for stealing nearly $17 million from his bank account over a multi-year period.

He changed account settings, security details, and passwords, and impersonated Otani on phone calls with banks to authorize wire transfers. By the way, I listened to one of those phone calls. It's fucking hysterical. That's how they caught him. He was like, hi, this is Joe Hay Otani. And the lady's like, I swear to God. And the lady's like, hey, how you doing? and he's like, I'd like to take out $5 million.

They have it on ESPN's podcast. I listen to the whole podcast series, and it's the 30 for 30 podcast series. It's awesome. And then the lady's like, I don't think Shohey Hattani can speak English. And he's like, uh, uh, uh,

good, goodichi, quack. Oh my God. Scroll down here, Aftermath, ascending. Wow. That's pretty wild.

Okay. That's pretty wild. I would love to dive into this more, but let's get to this. Mountain Dew submissions for our summer sizzle. Our summer sizzle. Okay. Here's another one that's submitted.

We've read a few of these. There's a couple in the running. This one is from Mike R. It's called do-doo. So dark ocean, ominous music. Do-do. Oh, I love it. I love it.

I love it. Do-do. Bert, standing on the beach, no shirt, stares nervously at the water. Tom speaks. Something big is coming. Do-do. Do do do do do do do do do do

A massive pull tap slowly rises from the deep as it nears closer to the shore. Bert's eyes widen. We're gonna need a bigger throat. Ho do doo doo. Yeah, Mountain Dew go bigger. Mike R, that's a good one man. That's actually very fun.

I mean, we do need a little bit of CGI or something, right? Like we need a pool tab that's in the ocean. like a shark would be what's a pull tab what you pull to open the can right he wants that in the ocean oh oh oh oh like it's going do yeah it's coming it's like a shark but i feel like to make that look not awful we would need an extra uh 2.6 million dollars okay um i think we could i think that could be i think we could shoot that like in a kitchen oh i think we could shoot it i think we could shoot it i think we could cheat it on a green screen, Tom? Mm-hmm.

Really easy and make it like a 15-second do-do. I like that part. I'm not sure the company's going to go for, I think we need a bigger throat. They might not go that. Also, there might be something to John Williams' score of jaws where they're like, I don't know. I guess that one's out. We can just go.

But I like the idea. It's a good idea. All right. This one's called silencing Bert. from no one oh that's so brilliant what if we just put do

into every popular song just do in all songs do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I don't know why they didn't already think of that all right here's another one bert you to us are in the green room of a well-known comedy club along with several other comics everyone's getting around laughing and sharing stories but as As legend goes, Bert is constantly interrupting every single person talking.

As he does this, you see the joy in the face of each person being interrupted quickly leaving. This is very active so far. I'm already fucking out of this. And to Tom, who has experienced this on a number of occasions, as he gives a look to the camera saying, I know how to fix this. Tom opens a cooler, fully stocked with ice cold cans of Mountain Dew, hold one in front of Bert's face every time he begins to interrupt someone, which immediately silences

him as he cannot help but crack open. It can and murder the entire thing as everyone is able to continue their story. By the end of the night, everyone is smiling, giving hugs, handshakes and goodbyes as they exit the green room. Once the room falls silent, the camera slowly pans the bert

who is slumped over on a chair surrounded by tons of crushed Mountain Dew cans. It's hard to rudely interrupt while you're drinking a dew. Fade to Green. Love you guys. Thanks for considering. Nolan. Oh, that is fucking fantastic. It's a horrible idea.

You just have a bunch of, like, food and drinks, and you're just like, I'm broke, I'm broke. And then everyone's able to talk. Yeah, I can't wait to hear that. You don't like that one? No, no, no. You should put me in the back of a kill-tony waiting room. Fucking asshole.

What's the next one? Well, I didn't like that one. Okay. By the way, I actually, I actually did. I'm trying to play the character that he thinks I am. Fucking asshole. Here's the Mountain Dew Somalier. A ridiculously serious Mountain Dew tasting room.

Tom is dressed like a sommelier. Bert sits across from him. Tom pours Mountain Dew into a wine glass. Notice the sweetness immediately. Bert smells it. Yeah. Hints of citrus. Bert.

Yep. Perhaps a little desperation. Bert, definitely. Tom takes a tiny sip, a silence. It's Mountain Dew. Bert. Yeah. Cut to logo.

I like, again, the absolute lack of a full story or any type of climax. I'm a big fan of these, you know? The, just set up, yeah, and it's just like ends on that. Like the anti-climaxic moment. I really like that. I mean, I think that, you know what those? Can I tell you why I like that? What?

It reminds me of my favorite one. Which is? The cop one. I keep going back to the cop one because it's, it really is, what are you drinking? It's Mountain Dew. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.

All right. See you guys later. I mean, I think with this one or the cop one, I love it because it's a bunch of white space for us to play with. That's true. That is true. We can make it whatever. We can use that and then put our little stamp on it and then make it fun, make it ironic, make it. I mean, I like this.

I like this and I like the cop. These are my two favorite. I'm with you. These are very fun. I also like you just being shoved full of beverages so you don't talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I have ADHD And first of all, I am an interesting person. I interrupt for interesting things. That's good. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. I'm going, I'm heading off into production.

I'm going to do a movie, but we're still going to do episodes. And we're just going to make it happen. There might be zoom zooms or something, but we're going to do episodes. They're going to be good. You guys, I don't think you're going to notice. Okay. Sounds good. All right.

Bert and Tom Tom and Bert One goes to top the swall the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call Two bears one cave