2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Who Killed JonBenét Ramsey? w/ Sam Morril | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Get tickets for Tom’s Come Together Tour at https://tomsegura.com/tour Sam Morril joins Tom Segura for this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! They discuss the benefits of night flights, mile high bullies, the New York City experience, the JonBenét Ramsey case, the disappointing Aaron Rodgers-Jets run, LeBron James' longevity, admiring bodies, the Vince McMahon scandals, political jokes, unique smut fetishes, trying new things on stage, and so much more! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 266 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year and I'll be bringing my Come Together Tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th San Francisco. The 25th of January I'm in Reno. January 30th I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st Savannah. February 1st I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour and I will see you there. Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave. You can see my buddy's most recent hour, You've Changed, which premiered on Amazon Prime in July on Amazon Prime.

Or you can get tickets to see his new tour, The Errors Tour, beginning in early February 2025. You can check out his popular podcast, We Might Be Drunk with Mark Norman. And of course, he's the co-creator of Bodega Cat Whiskey. It's Sam Morale, everybody. Let him hear it. Thanks.

It's quite an intro. That was amazing. I got all the plugs. I can't follow that up, man him hear it. Thanks. It's quite an intro. That was amazing. I got all the plugs. I can't follow that up man. You're doing great. You're doing great man. It's always good to see you. You too.

Thanks for coming in. Were you just, did you come in from New York? Were you just in New York? Yeah, late flight last night. Watched stream the Knicks on the flight, big dub. God, you're a hardcore fan. I'm a fan dude. I love it. Yeah, I like a night flight. I'm a fan, dude. I love it.

Yeah, I like a night flight. I'll take a night, yeah. It's kinda nice. Yeah, I'll chill on a night flight. Yeah. And I like when they turn the cabin lights off. And you don't have to deal with the asshole who leaves the shade open, like during the day, which I always hate and loathe.

I hate that. I've been flying, this is like my first flight in forever that wasn't delayed. Yeah. And it was still delayed like 20 minutes, but that's like I do that's a win No, we had a fucking incident coming back from I did Miami improv a couple months ago with my buddy Gary Veeder and we just It's like a five-hour delay. I'm the idiot who booked Miami during hurricane season Yeah, I deserved it, but with like a five hour delay, two hours,

we circled for two hours in the air. And there was this drunk lady on the flight, just like screaming to her friend, everyone like hated her, I was like, I hate this person, whatever. It's one of those flights. And then they're like, hey, we're not landing, we're out of fuel, so we're landing Dulles, Virginia.

So we're just like, ah, it's been like a seven hour day. So we're like pissed. And then we're on the runway and she's just like on the phone it's been like a seven hour day. So we're like pissed. And then we're on the runway and she's just like on the phone, drunk as shit. Everyone hates her. And Gary and I just look at each other like, what do we, do we just drive back? Like this is crazy.

And I could, and I was like, all right, fuck, let's drive back. So we get off the flight. And as I got off the flight, I loudly said to her, you know, it's very rude to talk that loudly on the phone. And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And everyone like gave me like a the phone. And she was like, I'm so sorry. And everyone like gave me like a thumbs up because I was like, I'm leaving anyway.

I may as well take one for the team. You did dude. I took one for the team. Did you feel a little rise of panic as you're about to say it? Yeah. I don't like confrontation, but I was like, I got it. I feel like I have to do something.

Yeah, there's a thrill to that. This is not at all the same thing, but I remember one time I did a yoga class I feel like I have to do something. Yeah, there's a thrill to that. This is not at all the same thing, but I remember one time I did a yoga class with Bert, and we were in the class, and the guy teaching it was like a hard-nosed guy, like a really, like a tough dude. Like he was more like a drill sergeant,

which felt weird for yoga. Yeah, it's not the energy you want. It's not the energy you want. And then he goes like, starts telling a story about his son, him and his son somewhere. And it just, it builds to nothing. Like, literally he was like, and then, you know, we went and there was nobody there, all right,

and switched poses, and it was just dead silent. There's like 30 people in class, and I just felt this like, kind of, you know, this like, momentum building inside you, and I'm just laying in this position, and I go, hey man, and he's like, excuse me, I go, hey, is that story over? He's like, what?

I go, is the story over? He's like, yeah, I go, oh. It didn't really feel like it had an ending oh my god and he was like okay I was like yeah we tell stories so I could help you with that and he's like okay just switch into the net like he just told you wow but like the new he knew I mean and then Bert was looking at me like what are you doing I was like I go I just couldn't help it was Bert laughing while you're doing I think he was scared yeah he was what are you doing? And I was like, I just couldn't help it. Was Burt laughing while you were doing it?

I think he was scared. He said he was scared of what was gonna happen. You heckled a guy. I heckled him, yeah. I was like, what the fuck was that? That was, I mean, I do, I respect that. I've seen the guy at the airport, and this one always like,

cause sometimes you wanna say something, but you're too intimidated to, or you're like, it's just, the situation. You weigh, is it worth it? Is it worth it, you weigh it, yeah. And there was line jumpers, like people like, or people distract, so like we're walking down the jet bridge and somebody's like, yeah,

and there was this guy, now, he was like 6'7", and he was like 2'45", like a big fuck, and this dude is behind me, and he was like 240, like a big fuck. And this dude is behind me, and these people are like distracted, not moving, and he was like, eyes forward and walk forward. Like, and we all were like, yeah, that's what I'd wanna say, but I would never say it, you know? And everybody got scared,

and they just started walking in formation. But it was one of those things where, you know, yeah, I wanted to say that to them, but I was like, I'm not gonna fucking yell at these people. This guy was just like, go! But usually guys that big are a little more like, I wanna say meek, but they know that with that power comes a responsibility to kind of behave. Even-tempered, yeah. This guy was a hothead, dude.

That scares me, that there's a dude that big who's kind of I'm gonna say bully, but I had one that bullied me one time on a flight really yeah And I was like it had my stomach in knots it was I told the story before but like I think about this sometimes Where I clocked this guy at the gate we were flying from Austin to Vegas, and I saw him at the gate, and he was huge. Like 6'6", 295, and muscular. And he was wearing shorts, flip flops, and a sleeveless tee. So a big fuck who doesn't care.

And he had the shaved head, and he you just it's one of the guys you notice And when I got into the on the plane. I have the aisle seat and he goes a Could you uh my sweat you mind sitting at the window back there so I could sit in the aisle and I go no That's a fucking bold. Yeah, I got that's not a cool request and he trade evenly. He's like That's a fucking bold. Yeah, I go. That's not a cool request and you trade evenly. He's like All right, so then he asked the guy behind me and that guy's like sure So he goes, thanks man. He goes. Thank you for your help. Thanks for being helpful And I'm like shit. So now this big fuck is sitting directly behind me Oh, right, and he reaches in between us

So because the guy that moved is now to my left and he goes, you're a good guy. You're a cool guy. And he starts tapping him and telling him that. I'm like, I'm sitting here like, fuck, like I got to, and this guy's behind me and he, and he, he, first thing he does, they, they fly the tenants come around. What would you like something to drink? He's like double Jack and Coke. Oh, good. And I'm like, oh shit. And within seconds, he's like,

excuse me, can I get one of these? And they're like, oh, I just gave you that. He goes, I'm 295. That's why I knew his weight. He's like, I'm 295. And I was like, oh shit. And then, so they're pumping him full of double jack and Cokes.

And then he starts getting more like, you know, full of confidence. Starts punching the seat. Yeah, and he starts commanding the cabin. What are you, oh, we're gonna have a good time in Vegas. Yeah, we're gonna fucking hit the tables. You're going to Vegas. Bro, and I'm sitting here the whole time,

I'm like, fuck, this guy is so crazy. He's like, and he keeps bringing up the thing to the guys, like, that was real nice of you, you're a helpful guy. And I was like, oh shit, and then he starts talking about his NFL playing career. Oh shit. And I'm like. Trey Lewis is behind you. My god, shit.

And he starts talking, and then he's like, yeah, yeah, I got real suicidal that year. I just wanted to kill myself. And I was like, this guy. Can we go back to that year? I was like, fuck, this dude's gonna do something erratic on this flight. And I just remember like, my stomach was just like, literally in knots, cause I was like, is this guy dude's gonna do something erratic on this flight. And I just remember, like, my stomach was just, like,

literally in knots, because I was like, is this guy just at one point? You ruined your flight. Yeah, it did, just because I was like, no, I'm not moving, dude. That sucks. I've told this one before, too, but this is Gary Veeder, who I tour with.

We were open micers together. We'd go back like that, and we were leaving Columbus, Ohio once, and as we're leaving There was a woman just berating the TSA agent at like, I don't know 8 a.m So we're like, it's kind of fucked up clearly. She was just trying to help and this woman's just killing her She's got two kids with her. She sucks and Gary and I are like at a certain point we should step in, right? There's been like two minutes of her yelling at a person. Yeah, and then I was like hey lady like enough

You know she gets it and she turned like this has nothing to do with you guys and I was like I mean you're holding up the line so it kind of does affect us now and then Gary kind of stepped in he goes yeah lady you're a nobody and that's when I was like I fucking love Gary and and she looks at Gary and she goes well you're short oh He's like five six yeah, and Gary goes you should see me with my shirt off, and I was like dude What are you doing? We're professional comedians. We had her Like what are you doing? And we were it like woke us up like a jolt the coffee like it's like how hard can we go in front of her kids? we were like we hate this person, but then she went through like angry and And the lady like gave us like and we're like, all right. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, what's the socially acceptable thing? How far can you take it? Because I have the same thing, I talk to Jim Norton about this all the time. Because Jim loves these stories. Of course. Luis Gomez loves these stories. New York is a confrontational city.

I feel like you kind of have to, but it's kind of friendly too, because you live on top of each other. You kind of have to be like, what the fuck? And I'm like, have you seen you've seen these? I'm sure you've seen these at least accounts when you're scrolling of guys who are standing on whatever street and they go, hey, how's it going? Like, what do you do? Or like, I like your outfit. I hate these guys, and there's this like one clip that went viral and

And all the comments were like that's a New Yorker where this this guy's oh he goes fuck you Yeah, he's like shit get the fuck out of my way and everybody this is the best New Yorker This is a New Yorker. It makes me so mad. They'll just like go up to celebrities and stuff. Hey, what's up? And it's like the dude just trying to have a car. Yeah, dude I I also hate the guys who are like how did you accumulate your wealth? Oh, yeah These because it's always a dude who's like, you know, I got lucky I got right place at the right time I just once I want to be like here guy be like I liquidated like three companies and I've ruined a bunch of lives

And that's why I have this cool car, you know, it's pretty great What you can do is you can undercut your competition and then yeah You can just bankrupt people and you make money. It's pretty cool. I there's something so inappropriate You're just walking up and recording people. Yeah, it's it's insane. It's insane. Hey a real quick question How did you yeah, how did you achieve all your goals and people are like what I'm going to breakfast right now I know what are you wearing? Homeless people how did it all fall apart? Yeah, where do things go south for you? It's they're like, clothes? They're circling up the homeless people. How did it all fall apart? Where did things go south for you?

It's you're doing the same thing. It's kind of the doing the same thing. It's pretty inappropriate. And then they're like, summarize everything for me. Like, what are the keys to all your, someone who's like 65, who's been working, they're like, how do I become successful over the last 40 years?

I mean, it's like right now in 15 seconds. It's a bizarre thing to have. That's what young, I think they just want a cheat code book. Right, tell me real quick. Yeah, tell me real quick. There is something, I don't know, man. There's something lost with like, I don't know, we're just talking stories

about how we had confrontations. We're like, man, people don't behave in public. I'm literally thinking of an incident I had in Amsterdam. I'm like, I guess I do lose it, but there is something, I don't know, satisfying. If you're mistreated, you do, it's all about control. You want that upper hand back. Yeah.

Like I got basically thrown out of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam. You did? Yeah, it was, I mean, I had already paid and gone and seeded. Seed it, god, I'm a fucking idiot. I should kill myself. So I just say, I seed the,

what am I, a three-year-old with a coloring book? I hate myself. What did you see there? I seed some some art. Yeah It was cool art God No, we saw the exhibit and it was it's amazing. It's so cool Yeah, you know it was right before I got turned away from the Anne Frank exhibit. So that's a hard ticket by the way. Is it? It's a hard ticket, they don't let you in.

You know, what'd she really do? She didn't do much. Yeah. She didn't do much. She was just up there fucking journaling. Ha ha ha. With the holidays creeping up faster than your aunt's fruitcake recipe,

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the Van Gogh we we'd already see the exhibit and after we saw it it's it's like torrential downpour so I'm just waiting for an uber you know and it's taken forever because there's so much, you know, and it's taking forever because there's so much traffic, you know narrow narrow roads and and We're just like waiting in the little doorway and this guy walks up to us He goes you got to wait outside and I'm like, oh, we're just gonna be a minute It's just the waiting for the car which raining so hard and he was just like I don't care You can't just like wait here and we're bothering no one. I was like, come on man

Like we're just gonna be like a minute and he goes okay and he walks away he gets another security guard to get rid of us and I was like what are you doing and I I shouldn't have done this but I sound like a dick here but uh he was throwing us into the rain we're about to get soaked so I was like I'm gonna get a fuck you in there too so I was like I go well you're a midget and he was really short I did what the lady did to Gary. I'm aware of how shitty this is. And he was like, he goes, bye bye. And we're in the rain and we're just getting soaked

and we're looking at him and he just starts waving. And I got nothing, all I could hit him back with is, you're so little. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's all I had though. But I got soaked, so he did win. He did win, but he didn't forget that either. He didn't forget, it hurt.

It definitely hurt. One day he'll date a woman who's like, if you're just like two inches taller, and he'll be like, that motherfucker. And you're tall, so it hurt. I know, that's all I had on him. He was in the power position, he tossed me. It's so crazy, so did they physically escort you out?

They intimidated me, like the Nazis. Yeah, you're like real good reputation I'm dealing here with. I'm taking the story back. That's fucking crazy. I'm gonna journal about it. I'm gonna sell it. Yeah, no, it's pretty rough.

Yeah, I don't know, disrespect also, that's when, if somebody disrespects you in public. Like you know. Yeah, I was in front of my girlfriend too. What do you want me to do? Just take it. Yeah, man, come on. She was laughing. I was like, all right, I right I'll you know it helps to have somebody with you

It's hard to do with that an audience cuz then you're just like you're like I got embarrassed alone. Yeah, you know Yeah, I'm trying to like he threw out other people too and they hated him too So I was like, all right, he wouldn't let people wait in the lobby. I know dude It was like we were it was way in the it was crazy Cuz it feels like if the Superior like the people that run that place would have been like what are you doing to people and they're never by the way? This is our reputation around the world. They're never surprised that the rude person isn't American Yeah, they're like, of course, you know, but in the New York accent doesn't help me. It's like They know yeah, I think I would have been furious too though, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't wanna do it in a museum though. It's like a dignified quiet. I know, I know. I've lost my shit at some people. At the museum? I don't think at the museum.

I'm actually trying to black out the rage that I've encountered. It's kind of fun to revisit some of this shit though. I know, we did this recently and I was like, oh fuck. It's just, it makes you, cause you realize how bad you feel when it's happening. Yeah. When you're that enraged by somebody.

I did feel bad about it. One time I checked out of a hotel because I thought I was gonna kill one of the servers there. I checked out. Yeah? Yeah, I sat down. He was young, kind of rude. the one of the servers there. I checked out immediately. Yeah, I sat down. He was young, kind of rude.

And when he delivered my lunch, he dropped it. Oh nice. And he turned. And I stood up and I started to follow him and I realized I was gonna follow him into this back room. And instead I just went right up to my room and grabbed my bags and checked out of the hotel. Dude, if you ended up being a killer,

Netflix would have it made, because you already got all those stand-up specials. You bang out some cigar and then it's just the next, if you like this, he killed a person. Yeah, check out this three part series. Did you watch JonBenet? I did. Do you think the dad did or do you think Innocent?

Well, I just finished episode two. One thing that's always funny to me when you watch it, because I was watching like Menendez stuff too, was like you recall the story in a broad way, right? And then when you get into these docs, you're like, oh, because we were young and I was a kid when this happened. So I'm like, I don't remember any details of either story.

And so you're watching it. I mean, it's almost like the perfect, well, this is impossible to figure out, at least through two, which is, of course it's crazy. Like the body in the house and these things, but then like the DNA being withheld and the way that the police were clearly trying to, well, were feeding this stuff to the media

to shape it so that they looked like killers, which is, you always go like, oh man, this is, can you imagine? That dad already lost a daughter. It's insane. He already lost a daughter, his wife dies at 49 of ovarian cancer. And then they're keep implying maybe the other, maybe the car accident daughter was abused

by him too. It's like all this like- It's like the staircase, remember that one? That one was tough though. That one was tough. That's a little too, I think he did it. You do think the dad did it? Yeah, but no, not the JonBenet dad.

I don't think he did it. What do you think happened? What's your theory? I don't know, but that guy, what's his name? Is it Mark something car? You know what I'm talking about? I don't know, the guy who claimed he did it. Yeah.

I don't, he, then he was released, John Mark Carr, sorry, yeah. He, yeah, he confessed. It's sick, I mean, imagine confessing to this shit and not even doing it. Yeah. I mean, that's like, so you just want that level of attention?

There's a few killers that have done that. But they're usually like, the one who had like the most prolific body count ever, and he was a low IQ individual. And so, like sheriffs would be like, we have this unsolved murder in Louisiana. He's like, yeah, I did that. And they're like, great.

And so it would let them just close cases and they just kind of kept doing it and they attributed like 150 murders to him. Well, you look like you're the man. Yeah. Detective, you're like, we did another one, dude. Yeah, Henry Lucas, he was the one. He was a...

Yeah, he could look. Confessed to 600 murders, sorry. Yeah, that's a bit high. He's like the Wilt Chamberlain. He's inflating his numbers just to sound cool. He's quite... He's like... Yeah.

And there was another guy. There was a Texas guy. What was his name? Tommy Lynn Sells maybe? Who also, he confessed to more, like he definitely murdered people, but they realized that he was confessing, yeah, he was confessing to a lot more crimes

than he was kind of capable of. Yeah, so then you're like, maybe he did a couple, but he got. See, he claimed're like they maybe did a couple, but he got See he claimed 70 victims. It's a lot. He only did like 20 Cops like you fucking loser. Yeah, you killed like three people. Yeah Yeah, I don't know man. It's uh I Think the dad didn't do it, but they found all this weird stuff in there, right? They found the rough draft of the ransom note. That's kind of weird.

Which is so sad. That you're like, you needed to, he's like working out a fucking ransom. And the figure, the- 118. So bizarre, right? It's a weird number. Yeah, that's what's weird is like,

that sounds like he knew. One of the crazier aspects to me was the fact that you have this, because you know, I first didn't, I didn't think about some of these things like before the pandemic, which was like how you think the powers that be get it, like know how to handle things. In other words, like if something catastrophic happens like a pandemic, you're like, well,

this is United States government, like they. Like they'll figure it out. And then, so my analysis or comparison for this is like, oh, there's a homicide, you know, in a city like Boulder. It's not like a tiny little town. And then like, they don't have homicides. So they're like, we're sending a narcotics detective. I think it was the only one that year they said. So they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

They have to bring in people from Colorado Springs. They don't know what they're doing. Yeah, exactly. And so, and then you start learning, you're watching this investigation, you're like, oh, they were just like, I don't know, I think we should do this. And like, they're not investigating it correctly.

And they pushed that guy out. The guy, Lou something, Lou Witt or whatever. They pushed him out because he seemed to know what he was doing. He was like, no, I don't know. But that's, if that dad is innocent, holy shit, that guy's had a horrible life. Horrible, horrible.

Really, look, can I say this? What the fuck are you doing parading your daughter around in these pageants? It's really gross to me. It's very weird. It's worse than child acting. Yeah. You're inviting, it's also amazing

that all these people are allowed in as just a solo person, like I'm just gonna watch. They don't want you in a park. It's so crazy because I know it's like one, it's one of the themes of the documentary is that this little kid has like, there's like they're sexualizing this child with like the

Performance and just the way that she's dressed and acting and it there is something you don't Just say that and go this person's a murderer right or an abuser, but it's peculiar and unnatural because like as somebody with small kids and unnatural because as somebody with small kids, the last thing you want in your kids' lives in any way is just anything sexual in nature. You know what I mean? Like the way they, you don't encourage that type of dancing or that type of posing, it's just bizarre.

Oh, I mean for a, No! It's probably like a steak dinner, you're like, she's got makeup on? Yeah, it's crazy. This is crazy It's so crazy why like why? You parade around like that. It's I don't know but like That also that doesn't make you a murderer

I mean, you know, it's just but the whole thing is because I remember like when when I heard this doc was coming out I go. Oh, yeah, I go whoever went to jail for that? Yeah, same. You forget. You forget. Because it happened, didn't it happen right after 9-11? I think it was before then, wasn't it? Maybe, it was something, maybe there was like a ruling. 1996.

96. Oh, okay. But wasn't there a ruling like 10 days after, I think? After 9-11? I think so. About this? I think so, there was like a ruling 10 days after and I think it got swept.

There was something related to this that happened around 9-11. But like, another thing about the story is. Both went unsolved. When they're talking about the. There's my Ann Rogers right there. Do we really know what happened? I don't know.

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Not valid on orders containing alcohol. Terms apply. When you're talking about this dad being like this possible, and then he interviewed, they interviewed the other kids, the adult kids, and they're like, he's a fucking great dad. Like, you think that like he just had this moment where he was this horrifically abusive guy. It just doesn't add up, man.

Yeah, it made me feel very sad for him. I mean, that is, and the brother too who is like That's a pretty You're gonna know that name Burke Ramsey. Yeah, and then people just I forgot what publication said he did it But it's on reddit. So you go on reddits like it's all there. I figured it some guys like I figured it out, dude He's read it detectives. Oh, yeah, he won some lawsuit. They didn't say what the money was, but. He did win one? Yeah. Who knows?

Oh man. But what does that money give you? You're fucking, you're dead inside. I mean, from all that, it's awful. Horrific, yeah. It's a fucker. Are you gonna watch the Rodgers one? I don't know, maybe.

I tend to watch any doc thing about football. I just always am interested in it in some way. I like the behind the scenes stuff of that. I am with you, but he just bugs me so much. As a New Yorker at this point, I'm not even a Jets fan, but I'm just angry on behalf of my Jets fan friends. Because he just kinda, he came in like, we're gonna fucking do

This and it's not his fault. He got injured Yeah, but then like he kind of kept the smug going for the whole like once I'm back, dude Yeah, and then he fucking disappointed everyone again, and now he's doing worse than There like last year's rookie second year QB that blonde kid. Yeah, Zach Wilson. He's doing worse than him I mean, I don't know when this comes out. Maybe he'll he'll pick it up a little but Second year QB, that blonde kid, Zach Wilson, he's doing worse than him. I mean, I don't know when this comes out. Maybe he'll pick it up a little, but it looks bad. Cause this is, his contract's up, right?

So. Yeah. And he seems like he wants out. He does want out? It's like an abusive boyfriend that just like ruins your life and like, I'm gonna see someone else now. Yeah. He's just like, it just bugs me like the whole Iowaska. I wonder if he'll hang it up.

He's gotta hang it out, right? I think he still wants to play. You're the last one to know that you don't have it anymore. He's gotta hang it out, right? I think he still wants to play. You're the last one to know that you don't have it anymore. He's a Hall of Famer, he's amazing, he's an amazing player, but like all this like self-searching shit, I don't wanna hear that from IQB. I just wanna see you in the weight room. I don't wanna know you have a Sherpa.

It's like ridiculous. And I was trashing him, cause I was, you know, I'm angry just watching on behalf of my New York friends. Cause Jets fans have suffered. I'm a Giants fan by the way. We're not good either, but Just on behalf of my Jets fan friends. I'm just like what are you doing to them? You're just torturing them torturing them and And the fact that he just he threw one of his wide receivers under the bus in that interview He's a you ran the wrong route. It's like you don't You know if you're a comic, you're not like, why'd I have a bad set? The guy who opened for me fucking sucked. That's why.

It's like you're doing the same thing. You're throwing your guy under the bus. So I don't like that. And then- Did he do that? He said the- Yeah, one of the guys, I guess, ran the wrong route. He blamed an interception on that. And, uh, I don't know. And I was trashing him. I got all these like, well, you can't throw a football. It's like, so I can't know, and I was trashing him, and I got all these like, well, I bet you can't throw a football.

So I can't critique a football player. I'm not saying like, I'm just saying he's playing badly. I'm not getting into like the minutia of why. If I'm on a flight that's going down, I can't fly a plane. I'm not gonna be like, well, I can't speak because. I'm not a pilot. Because I'm not a pilot.

I don't have my hours yet. Yeah. So it just all bugs me. Like who's defending him at this point? Like of course it's a Hall of Famer. He's a I yeah in his prime, but you know 40 is old and football not everyone's gonna be LeBron Forty is I know and Rogers like I read I'm like cool. That's not translating to anything on the Like LeBron ever seen LeBron with a book. He's always on the first page. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen that like never even a book He's always like it just started reading is your kryptonite.

Think less. This guy, the older you get to, the more you look at LeBron and go, what the fuck is going on? It's insane. It's so crazy. Cause he's kinda like, he's gotten a little worse. He doesn't play defense like he used to obviously,

but he's still pretty good. He's still, like physically? Yeah. So imposing. He still still, like, physically so imposing. He still has quickness, explosiveness. The Olympics were sick. Yeah, the Olympics were crazy. It also made me realize how France is gaining on America because they look pretty good too.

Yeah, well it's become, I mean, it's more global sport every year. It's gonna, like, it should even out. It makes sense that people, and also there's that thing that, we've known this for a long time, if you follow basketball in any way, but teams that a lot of the international teams play together all the time. Where, you know what I mean?

Like our, our team will be assembled for two weeks. It really is the Avengers. And then the, that international team, like that's, they're, they're that squad for two years. Yeah. It's like Wakanda. They've been together. You know, we're just like coming in like we fucking, you they're that squad for two years. Yeah, it's like Wakanda. They've been together, you know We're just like coming in like we fucking you know, here we go Yeah, we're just gonna figure it out. But when you've Steph Curry and Durant, they can kind of just fit anywhere

It's true. But like that that like rhythm that teams that know each other play with is something beautiful It's really nice because they probably were you know, eight and ten doing this shit. Yeah. It's kind of cool. It's cool to watch, yeah. But he is unlike, as a physical specimen, the way that this guy, his body, is to get, the way that he is able to take care of himself and perform as a 40-year-old, it's insane. I remember when Donald Sterling, when they were saying, you know, the old Clippers owner who got fired for that big tape for being, you know, racist and whatever, and did a lot of bad stuff in housing too that was racist, but he would like go to the locker room and like feel players. He'd like look at their muscles like they were racehorses.

Yeah. Man, something's wrong with this guy. But like I do feel like if I met LeBron, I'd be like, holy shit, you know, that might come out of me. Yeah. Look at your shoulders Jesus It's it. I mean, yeah, like Sterling They he said the players were like he would give tours to people too. That makes it even weirder So he would have guests at the game take him to the locker room be like look at this one Look at this guy and like they they would just like eyeball him and the players just like

sitting there like hi and then he would just kind of like Look at them like they were you know like a racehorse or a piece of art And then they would move on to the next day dude, okay I went to a basketball game with Matteo Lane, and we're watching Mateo's it's like watching with a woman Yeah, cuz he's just like he doesn't know anything about it. Yeah, and he's just like that guy's hot He'd be like dude Josh, Josh Hart is, he's like really hot. And I'm like, however I can get you into basketball, because he's my neighbor. I love Matteo. So how can I get him in? But like, he's just admiring like who's the most

ripped and stuff. Look at that guy's quads. But actually, I think that too. I do too, dude. That kid, Jared McCain, the one who's doing all the TikToks. Yeah. On the Sixers. I don't know. He's like the new kid. He's playing out of his mind. He's like an 18th pick or something. He does all these Oh, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, dude. He'll be like lip-syncing Green Day. He might actually be singing I don't know if you have it's really funny, but it's also funny that like, you know, like now Shane Gillis is obsessed with he's texting He's like I love this dude. Yeah, but it's not what Philly's used to Yeah, I mean this is This is gonna make Philly more tolerant. Yeah

For sure old guys who are like alright. I don't know I kind of if he puts the ball in the hoop I'm cool with it. It's like the old racist guy whose daughter Has a kid with a black guy and then when he meets his granddaughter. He's like I guess they're alright This is like two things for that dude to overcome. Cause this is, this is, you know, racial and possibly homophobia. Yeah. Which is great. And he's a baller. Oh dude, he's awesome. And when you were saying quads, I'm like, this dude

has insane legs. Dude, I just got back from Florida and was on vacation there with the fam, you know, for like a week. Every day I went to the beach or the pool and the only thing I point out to friends, family, whatever, are just other guys.

I'm like, look at this guy. Look at this guy's physique. And everyone's like, what? I go, look at his fucking chest. I think that's part of getting older. Is it? Because we're not as horny, but we're impressed, like we're like, holy shit,

that's like hard. Yeah, maybe that's what it is, right? Yeah. It's like full admiration. And I was stopping guys, they were like, you're impressed, like we're like, holy shit, that's like hard. Yeah, maybe that's what it is, right? It's like full admiration. I'm like, and I was stopping guy, like they were like, you're not, I'm gonna stop this guy. So I say, what do you do? I go, hey man, what, you just swim all the time?

He's like, what? Oh yeah, I swim. I go, is that it? Cause your chest is fucking crazy. And he's like, yeah, just swim, man. I'm like, unbelievable. You look great. Some dude's gonna be like,

dude, the dude from two bears hit on me That's why it's called two bears. I think they're gay. He tried to fuck me. I mean That's all I wanted I was pointing them out and then like same thing though I'll see dudes at the gym and I'm like, how the fuck is I don't ask but I'm like, how the fuck is he so ripped? Christina goes hey that one guy you were admiring She goes turns out he's a firefighter. I go ah makes sense You just let your hotel on fire. He shows up. I don't want to see this dude again. Carry me out of here, man I want to see what it feels like

Pull me out of the window over your shoulder Dude, I know you mean a lot of it's not natural though a lot of those dudes you're like how the hell is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah a lot of it is like some sort of performance and that's what I tell myself because I'm like well you can like you see because like if you're online all the time looking at stuff There's just nothing but you know juiced up lunatics on there who are like yeah fucking broccoli and chicken like shut up I know I'm pissed out of mines and then there's well-known celebrities who are juiced out of their minds If you're in a Marvel movie, that shit ain't natural. Not at all.

They may as well hand you the needle. They're all geared up. Even, there's a few too that, because sometimes there's guys who have like, let's say a naturally lean build. So you go, oh, that's possible. They're juiced up, dude. Even though I know a couple who I was like,

oh, I guess this might be possible. And then I asked the person and they was like, oh, I guess this might be possible And then I asked the person and they were like, oh no, he was he was on everything They're all they're all on it. But that is that safer or safe. It's not safe, but it's probably it's not as dangerous To do if you're like I'm doing it for these three months as opposed to like I do this year-round all the time So because some of them will just do it for the filming and then they're done, right? But what about like an RFK, cause whatever he's on ain't natural.

He's 70 and he looks like an Avenger. How is that, that can't be good. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what he's on, but he's gonna be in charge of health now. So maybe he'll get us on it too. That cabinet's gonna be fucking. It's gonna be interesting.

Linda McMahon, I've always said she should play a role in education. Wrestling's made me so much more intelligent. It is kinda, it does feel like a reality show when they pick people for like, for gigs in the house. Like, you're gonna be in charge of cooking, you know? It's like, they're just like, he's just like, I like this guy. You're in charge of the fucking defense. That's all it is. Trump was in wrestling, so he's like, I like this guy. You're in charge of the fucking defense. That's all it is.

Trump was in wrestling, so he's like, Linda was good, she stood by, it's all loyalty and she stood by Vince, so he's like, she's good. She's solid, yeah. And then, yeah, Matt Gaetz dipped so fucking quickly. That was crazy, so fast. That Vince sex story stuff was nuts.

In the doc, you mean? Well, I was watching the doc but coincidentally like Whatever it was a month or so prior Maybe it was a few months before I read the story about this girl the girl I guess the girl that sued him and you know, you're like, oh it's like man in power sex stuff blah blah blah and then it's like he shit on my head and like left them, wanted the shit to stay there and dripping off of them, I'm like what?

And then he would like, he would send her, she, I mean this is the accusation that he'd be like go over to that guy's room and fuck him, I want you to be like a cum filled whore. She would have to like. And by the way, this all sounds like you could hear it in his voice. Yeah, yeah.

I've seen enough wrestling where I'm like, I could see Vince saying that. It is gnarly though. Yeah, he's not a good man. Pretty crazy. He's a bad dude. And also, I mean, look what he did to his kid. Look what he put Shane through.

What did he put him through? I don't know. I mean, did you see that doc on Netflix? I probably missed it. It's pretty amazing. I mean, all my, I don't know. I mean, did you see that doc on Netflix? I probably missed it. It's pretty amazing. I mean, I don't know wrestling. Like Mike Lawrence is my good buddy and Mike's like, they didn't go hard enough.

Like they left out all the crazy shit. Really? He's like connected to murders and stuff, Vince. And there was like Jimmy Super Vyce and Nuka pretty clearly murdered someone. I think Vince helped him get out of it. And I mean, and and I mean Shane I mean there's like a billionaire son jumping off a steel cage 30 feet he could have been paralyzed yeah and this is the only time his dad hugs him like it's when he

jumps off a cage and nearly dies it's like it's like trailer trash succession or something yeah well I mean he he kinda just like pushed him out and gave it to his daughter, it was tougher. They say I think the son is like a nicer guy and the daughter's a little more like him. I saw the part of the doc, I guess I don't think I finished it, where I saw him talking about his dad

and he was like, yeah, my dad never said I love you except for like when I took the business to like the next level and he was about to die or something like that Yeah, but you don't have to be exactly like you're withholding and probably abusive dad Yeah, my dad walked out when I was a baby if I have a kid I'm not gonna be like shit I guess this is in my DNA. Yeah, I gotta leave fuck. I'll be right back Yeah, that was um, it. I hate when people blame their upbringing on bad shit they do.

I find it to be like, oh, so you did zero work on yourself. Yeah, well, that's part of it, right? Like a lack of awareness and wanting to do better. Yeah, but he just poured it all, I think it was like that never ending, I wanna make my dad proud of me, so I'm gonna build this up. But it's like, well, guess what?

Your dad's dead. So he's not gonna give a shit about this. You got kids, you should be good to your kids, you know? I have little sympathy for parents who aren't good to their kids, like you're fucking up people you made. Yeah, I mean, it feels crazy when you have kids because when you have kids, like you so want to you so want to protect and take care of them so much that when you hear about stuff like that,

part of your brain just goes, well, I don't understand. Because you just are so trying to take care of them. Yeah, I mean, a guy who poops on a woman's face doesn't strike me as the most introspective fella. No, and I really wanna know. I'd really love him to comment on why shit on them. Why? Maybe that's just, I mean, there's always those porno links where you're just like, I don't know who's into that, but that's weird.

And there's definitely people into it if it's there, right? But I think there's something, like, look, weird is a broad term. There's something about human excrement that, like it's like it. It's its own category like when you're cuz like Shit to all of us is revolt like it's just revolting. Yeah, you know not all of us Well that but like even that person I think it's like it's your body is actual waste It's waste and it's like the reason that it the smell is like it's because body is actual waste. It's waste and it's like the reason that it The smell is like it's because you're supposed to stay away from it

Like do you think now that he's getting really old and it's kind of falling apart a little and he probably poops himself A little and a nurse has to clean it up. He's kind of like that's so hot. Yeah for sure. Really maybe He's probably like she's like don't worry. It's not that he goes. We'll see what yours is like He's probably like, she's like, don't worry, it's not that he goes, well, let's see what yours is like. Because I think that would be the mirror. I think with him it's about the humiliation. Oh, right. I think he's probably like, this person hates this and that turns me on. Like that's a, like he's like a sadist, I think. Oh, right, right.

Yeah, I guess, I don't know, man. That cracked me up so hard though in the doc though, when he's like, he's basically on trial for all the sexual misconduct stuff, they're looking into it, and they're like, will he show up tonight? That's part of the story line. And he just walks out to that dumb song, No Chance, and everyone's like, yes! You're here!

He showed up! Yeah, okay, so, during a threesome, McMahon defecated on her and commanded her to continue pleasuring the other man while McMahon took a shower. Yeah, he's like, I wanna get this shit off of me. Grant says she had feces in her hair running down her back. It lasted more than 90 minutes while she remained,

so an hour and a half you're covered in shit, but you're definitely right in that it's about humiliating the other person. Yeah, damn. Yeah. I don't know, I just. Growing up is weird, because I just watched this as a kid being like,

this is great. Yeah. And you kind of know they're not treated well. Because think about how we travel, and it's a lot. These people are traveling in pain, their body hurts, and some of them are doing like 300 days a year. It's crazy. When I met The Undertaker and we were talking about just the road and traveling and I was

saying you know, at the time I don't know, I think, because this was like a little while ago I was like yeah you know, something about the schedule where you have doubles, right? Like two shows, two shows on Thursday, two shows on Friday, and how the cumulative effect really does start to like break you down. There's something like so, you know, like, like a welcoming when you, when you run into like a single show night, cause you're like, Oh, I'm like something about that is doubles, where are you out? And he was like,

yeah, when I started wrestling, uh, we were doing dub, we would do doubles. So we do the show twice. And, and so it's like, you know, I'm talking about sitting here talking with a mic and he's doing like fucking clothes lines and shit. And he, I was like, that's insane. And it was, and it was the same way. He was like two Wednesday, two Thursday, two Friday. And he goes like, my first thing when I got like a little bit of juice in the business Was I was like no no doubles like it was just one one show and because they probably didn't know how many tickets they could Sell at that time so they're like adding shows. Yeah, that's crazy I mean, yeah to do that shit twice in the night

I mean, oh dude, it affects how I you know eat and stuff like and I'm just standing there Like low energy guys, I know energy comics. This dude is seven feet and he's jumping off jumping off a shit. I know he's it does Fuck me up though. I don't care what it I mean you can say whatever you want to like Overtime especially like there's tours where I've done it week after week Completely I would get sick multiple times like immune system just falls apart. Yeah, fuck's you up, but it's more for me It's more mental. It's more like I'm just drained. I'm not like physically that apart. Yeah, it fucks you up. But it's more for me. It's more mental It's more like I'm just drained. I'm not like physically that bad. Yeah more like fuck. I'm like I need new jokes I'm that's the thing to do all these all these shows so I can

So I can hate the material enough to force new shit out of my mouth But so I'm more like run down and mad at myself. I'll do enough sets where I'm furious that I don't have more new That's the thing. And then you go, man, even if you have one new thing at the top, also in that show, you're like, oh, that was so much better. Just cause you said one new thing.

Oh dude, I did like one Hunter Biden joke the other night and it got a pop. And I'm like, okay, there we go. All right, that's why I had one thing and it made me feel brand new. I like how they're all by the way. I mean, not that this is new, but they're all so full of shit in politics.

Oh my God. And like, the fact that like, I mean, we just find this with anybody, but they're like, so you're not gonna pardon him. He's like, no. Absolutely. Just don't say that. Yeah, I will accept this justice system and how it works. And it's like, cool, all right, good to know.

And he's like, what do you mean to do? And the acrobatics you made that these democratic pundits do going on who are just also full of shit Who are like, yeah, you know, uh, you know, he said he's not going to do that We respect the justice system in this party. The smug now is on top of it, which is annoying And then you come back and be like we had, he had to do it, you know? Trump said he's out for revenge. You have to justify anything. It's his only son left.

I know. And I know that it's always their job to do this, but it's why you end up loathing all press secretaries, because they have to spin whatever they're told. You know what I mean? So the press secretary has to come out and be like, no, he's not gonna do that. And then the next day has to go,

what do you want him to do? Not do it? Like it's not, and then bring up the counterpoints and it's like, so we can't believe anything you say ever. Like press secretaries are always just master manipulators. But I think most Americans are cynical enough to be like, like none of us feel burned. We're like, yeah, that's what they do.

That's what they do, no, of course. It's just another glaring example. It reminds me of college football coaches when they're like, I'm not taking the gig, okay? Stay in here. Vince McMahon, I'm not pooping on an employee's face. I've never done that. Pooping on someone?

It's so gross. Do you guys know what it smells like? And he's like, I have to. It smells so bad. I love that he was like, that's gross. I'm gonna go shower. That's disgusting. I'll be back.

And then he got back and he's like, you're still covered in shit? Ugh. And he didn't pay her that much, right? I don't know. Dude, like he raised her salary to 200 grand. I'm like, that's not that much to get pooped on. To get shit on? Yeah. And stay there too. He wasn't just like

This is my kink. I'm gonna shit now. He's like you stay there you blow that other guy Can you imagine she's at lunch with her friend and her friends complaining about work and she's like You think you have a bad job? Yeah, the boss is pooping on me. Yeah, and not only that it said that He like commanded her to keep pleasuring the other guy What if you're the other guy and you know the other guy was I think was Brock Lesnar wasn't it was it Brock? Lesnar pretty sure Holy shit, but wouldn't you be by the way? I don't think I would want to have a threesome with Brock Lesnar No way how highly do you think of yourself?

You're like I'm gonna go in there with Brock Lesnar. And give this girl a show. No, but like, wouldn't you be so mad as the other guy? Like you'd be like, no, no, no, I want you to shower too. Like, cause I can smell, it's in your hair. It's really gross. It's so gross. I don't care that that's my boss.

Like you don't just get to make, I don't want to sit here and get this blow job with her covered in your shit. that's my boss. Like, you don't just get to make, I don't wanna sit here and get this blowjob with her covered in your shit. It's not cool. Not only that, it's like, it's one thing for Linda to find out her husband's fucking around on her. It's another to find out he's fucking around with employees because now it's a lawsuit that she's a company,

it's a company she's a part of. It's a third to find out poop is involved. Poop. This is like an onion with layers that keep on giving. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes. But is that, wait hold on though.

Is that? This might be a separate thing. That might be a separate thing, yeah. That might not be the. What's this one? Just that he forced her to create personalized sexual content for a superstar That he was trying to resign so that

Because he involved multiple people in these sexual escapades and that in that one Let's see grant that he like this is like old school like this is like old school showbiz shit This is like feels like mob shit. It does feel like mob stuff. Yeah This feels like 1940s like Bugsy Siegel Mickey Cone type depravity It says that maybe Brock wanted her to send a video of herself urinating which is cool Like man defecated under a threesome It doesn't say to send a video of herself urinating, which is cool. Like, man, defecated under a threesome.

It doesn't say, oh my God. Yeah, it doesn't say who that person was there. It's cool if Brock's in the piss, though. That's kind of a cool detail to learn. It's interesting. You never know. You never know what people are into. Piss video? Is he in the piss or is Vince just like,

you should get into this, like he's an older guy, like you'll get into it, it's cool. Oh, you're not into that yet? Let me have my friend send you a video. There's a girl on Instagram who is like, her whole, I don't know how she doesn't get shut down, it's all like power pissing, and she sits there and just angles her camera in such a way

where you can't see her, you know, private parts, but piss just everywhere. I've heard of this. And it's got like, who is this? I've heard of this, yes, and the Wall, what the? Who is this? I was like, I've heard of this. Yes, and the Wall Street Journal did a nice piece on that. Dude, you know. She was on 60 Minutes last week.

Dude, I know what you mean. It is crazy, because porn is essentially like, even with your starting point, porn is like things you should not do. It's like fucking your friend's mom. It's all like kind of wrong, right? And then you keep escalating to the point that you get to shit. Shit is, yeah, it is about raising the stakes, right? Because what's wrong every few years gets worse.

You're raising your tolerance to this. It's like when you're, the first time you see a girl in a bikini, you're like, oh my God. I know. Right? And then it's like topless. You're like, it doesn't get crazier than that.

I used to have a bit about jacking off the Jennifer Love Hewitt smile. Yeah. And then it gets worse. It gets worse. It gets fucking worse. So what's that first one there? She's like, hey That's crazy, okay, so I got it So it's not real no, it's real because that's definitely real

I Should warm things up. Let's warm things up. I just wanted you guys to know that This is by the way, this is like a new scouting tape for Vince. He's like someone get me this girl's number She would definitely be Getting calls from him if she was on the roster. This is weird and This is like why are jokes getting flagged and this shit is okay? This is all right. I can't say sex in a bit, that gets flagged,

but she can pee. Pee pee girl. What does the link go to? Is it just like a pay site? Yep. It's like OnlyFans? OnlyFans, it's like a bunch site. Yep. It's like OnlyFans? OnlyFans, many, it's like a bunch of pay sites. Where I guess you get more, right?

You get longer streams? You get longer streams. Open mouth. You get, she pees. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, it's pretty cool, man. I don't know, man. I'm like, porn is getting like,

I'm more just irritated by porn as I get older, too. I can't even like, you know what's like an ultimate peeve in porn is like the dude who's like trying to be like too animated. Oh yeah. Where he like takes you out of it, where he's like, he's like, what? You're gonna fuck me?

And you're like, just fucking. Just do it. It's like doing crowd work with a guy who's trying to be funny, and you're like just fucking do it It's like it's like doing crowd work with a guy who's trying to be funny And you're like just let me do this you just respond normally you just do that. You're just there to be there We're here not for you. We're here for the her the overacting you like when they go like what you're gonna fuck me Yes, you know you know yeah, there's so much porn. It's too much I mean, I'm still like it's great. I'm still on like 2006 porn

There's no way you can catch up I'm still like on the shit I jerked off to like growing up the only thing that I actually really wanted like that even turns me on anymore, I don't I can't watch a Like a Manufactured pretend turned on thing. I like the genuine behind the scenes like the real one Yeah, because then they're doing something that they are like Doing to arouse each other. You know, I mean, yeah, and it's also like a different type of It's like you think you've watched too many thrillers and you get like a documentary now. Yeah, it's just like a different genre

It's a different but here's the thing, because porn does this with everything, there's the fake behind the scenes. That one doesn't do it for me. It's gotta be the authentic behind the scenes. You know what I mean? Sure, sure. That's the only one I like.

Yeah, man, I'm with you. I don't even know what I like anymore. You wanna like kind of ration it too. You don't wanna be like too, you don't wanna be on the road and being like, it's so easy to just jerk off like three times in a day. Easy, yeah. I used to.

Yeah. I used to, I was bad. I think like that was just part of the, dealing with the anxiety of what am I doing? I know. You know what I mean? Like I'm in Hartford. And you know. I'm in Hartford. And you know.

I'm in Hartford, question mark is a great title to a book. It's like I spent $600 on the flight. I'm making $600. Like what am I, so yeah, you're just in your room like, oh, let me get another cheese stick and jerk off. That was kind of, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like you look back and you go, oh, that's what,

things happen, your behaviors happen for a reason. I was like, you're trying to get some dopamine going because you're like, what am I doing? You're also kind of like, what else am I gonna do? Like, you know, you're like, I'm here all day. It's different than like when you're a little older and you're like, you have like, oh, okay, this is my job. Then you go like, I should write or I should go work out.

Like your brain changes, right? But that helps to bring a friend because if you have a friend who's a good influence, like my friend Gary would be like, let's wake up at like 8.45, nine, we'll work out. I'm like, all right. So you guys are doing that? Kind of, yeah.

We just do something just to get the brain awake. You just don't wanna waste the day. Just so you kinda see, especially when you're on the road. You're like I can I gotta try new shit. I'm doing One or two hours tonight. I gotta if I do the same show as last night. I'm a failure Yeah, so you get yourself into that I'll listen. I'll listen to the set. There's it's coming together But it's like I'm always in awe of comics who just like don't, I need to throw shit at the wall. I'm sure you do, you do so many stories, like you gotta, you know, when you're doing a story,

you're kinda like, I know where this is gonna end maybe, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there sometimes. You need to. The interesting, oh for sure, the interesting part, the most interesting part of like figuring out a story is like telling it in the first few times where you're over telling it. But you have to, you have to go like,

okay, all this is unnecessary. But you don't know that until you do it. So that story the first time you're like, man, and then yeah, you find a place where it goes eventually. And then sometimes you go, I think it ends here, and you realize, oh, I should kind of like add to it. You know, it's like, it is like this equation

that you don't know all the numbers yet. But like, the only way to do it is by trying it out. I also had one where, I have this bit now where I told a version of this bit before, and I used to do a longer version of it, and I realized that this add-on that I was doing Was taking the joke from like here to like here. So I cut that so now it ends on like a more You know a stronger ending basically Yeah, it's

Sometimes just this you have a line that you love and you're like, this ad's something, but you're like, you keep listening, you're like, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Yeah. We get into this thing, I think all comedians do, where it's like a... It's a form of insanity almost, where you go, I'm gonna say the thing I like. And then you say it and you're ignoring the reaction and you're like, it's still funny to me.

Yeah. And you keep saying it. For some people, that's their whole act. Yeah, that is their whole act. Their whole act is like, I think it's funny. And they're like it's still funny to me. You keep saying it. For some people that's their whole act. Yeah, that is their whole act. Their whole act is like I think it's funny and they're like none of this is working. None of it works, but then I think there's this point where you're like yeah, I just, I'm better at that now. At going like that's not working.

Yeah, stories are like, I'll usually do like one or two per hour. I don't, like I can't, I just. Yeah, but you're joke writing machine. Oh thanks man. I mean, I just just like but I think you need something else like I mean I've seen other people then you'll see a guy like you know some people that have like long story but then off some like you'll you'll have some short bits too especially early stuff was a lot of short bits you know and or

someone like Jim Jeffries who will tell like a long story that's hilarious but then he'll also do like he'll just throw one liner out there every once in a while and you're like oh oh shit, all right. I think you gotta keep him on their toes a little bit, or else you become predictable, and it's like. Yeah. I think my hour right now is shaped by, it usually almost has some mix of this,

of short bit, short bit, story, quick, quick, quick one-liner, story, story, like, it's like a, it's a mix of it, but you try to not make the order of it too predictable, you know? Yeah, that's also the hard thing is like, I'll do this sometimes where I'm like, oh, there's a good joke, and then I'll put it too early,

and they just think I'm a fucking asshole. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, I'm an asshole in this bit. You didn't earn it yet. Yeah. Like, my crowd will laugh at that, but if I do that, I did a show, man, these, there there these guys who do this shows in New York and Pop-up shows like they'll do it Peter Luger steakhouse. So they like Paragon sports

I just did one of cats is deli and I bombed so fucking hard because The show just kept getting pushed back. Like I saw Louie at the cellar. He's like I'm doing that cats a show with you I'm going on after you. I was like, oh sweet for some reason He just like went on and I was like fuck what I thought I was before Louie and he did like I think he thought I went on so we did like 30 and like fuck. All right, it's like 1145 that kid Marcelo from SNL is there and he's like I'm shooting a thing at 6 a.m. Like go ahead fuck Yeah, but like he's so adorable and funny and likable. I go on I'm like my first joke was like way too fucking Not nice. Yeah, we're, this guy's a fucking asshole. So I'm just bombing after two pastrami

sandwiches at Katz's deli at like 12, 15 in the morning. I'm like, this sucks. This is the worst. Yeah. I mean, earning it's a thing where like, I figure that all the time. We're like your show, you can kind of like play with that, you know? Like, do they like you and it's your show you can kind of like play with that you know like yeah Do they like you and it's your show so they like you then you go do like a just like a Random showcase show and you try to do the same Type of order and they're like no now you still have to get like some good we're gonna earn it Yeah, you have to earn it, and it's a different thing It's like you're on the road like like you're hitting the road or I'm hitting the road It's kind of like you get used to just the hour. Yeah. You

know and then it's like cool when you're young comic you're like how do I get five minutes? How do I get to this point? And then you're old you're like how do I get down? It's a different thing. It's so I was like trying to do a Fallon set and I was like how the fuck do I do a five minutes? It's almost panic inducing. I just got back from like a string of shows. I got back and I go to the club here and they're like do you want to go on I'm like sure and I'm just like In my head going like how do I figure out? What 15 minutes to kind of play with yeah, and it's like and then here's the things like it starts well So you're like, oh, I think I found my stride for this 15 minutes

And then all of a sudden just takes a left turn and you're like Oh fuck. I just lost it. Like I lost it here I relate so much to that because like it's been happening to me at the cellar like there'll be some young hungry young killer there And I'm following this comic and I'm like, oh shit. All right, I got to kind of bring it There's nothing worse than when you're like, I'm trying all these new jokes and you see the person funny You just annihilate it and you're like fuck. All right. Well, I can't a pussy got to do him. Yeah, but then you just are like eating it for the first that's the hard thing too is like alright, well do I start old and kind of earn it or do I Do I just like say fuck it? maybe they'll give me some bonus points because these are all clearly new because they're topical and that'll help me but I

Usually just I'm like I'll just fall on my face and hopefully I'll win him back but like I've had a couple recently where I'm like shit I don't know what the right yeah move is but I think that's that tells me too that like that I think that's the healthy way to approach it the fact that the fact that it doesn't go well sometimes means that you're doing it the right way as crazy as that might sound to somebody. Like if- That's what we tell ourselves.

They're like, only hacks kill every time. Well, I- But it's true, I think. I think it's true, dude. I think it's true. I mean, I also feel like, I feel that boredom thing so much, you know? And like one thing I've done on this tour,

I've been on this tour now for about a year, is, you know, it always is like tweaking a little bit, right, things get dropped, things get added, but I have taken every 15 minute chunk of this hour and done it in different orders. So I've opened with it, put it second, put it third, and put it fourth, and moved it around. That's kept it like interesting and different,

and like, it goes different ways in different, there's certain nights where you could tell me that's the way to do it, and then the next time, I'm like, I don't think that's the way to do it. But I think that doubt, doubt is a good thing in comedy. I think it keeps you, first of all, like you don't wanna be overly confident, and you also wanna be somebody who goes like, okay, doubt means that you actually have some risk

to what you're doing and to what you're saying. So I don't know, I'm a big fan of just embracing that like you said, following the person and going, fuck it, I'm just doing this anyway, and then it does eat shit, and you're like, that means you're trying things. But you switching the order too keeps it present, I think. I think that's, you're like whatever. That means you're trying things. But you switching the order too keeps it present I think. I think that's, you're now like,

it's so easy to go on autopilot and lose the joy in this, but I remember Louis would say that he would open his new hour on his last hour's closer because it would put so much pressure on him. And I'm like, man, that's a tough thing to do to yourself is open on your best bet and then just be be like, oh these aren't good yet. Yeah But it'll it'll make you get good it that stuff that that advice I think works I mean moving your heavy hitters up front does that too and then sometimes yeah, you suffer through sets

like I've done sets where like I Felt like the 20 minutes in it was like Bedlam in there just people and then I'm like, alright and I settle in and it was like bedlam in there just people and then I'm like all right and I settled in and it was like turned into a eulogy where I was like fuck like you know but it does make you address them and change things and just like were you still hit clubs when you are working out like on the road everyone somehow where you'd be like I'll hit a road club or no I mean I feel like the

Rhythm I kind of go with is like once the thing is out. I just play clubs for a while I'm trying to figure it out then I try to do some theaters and then go on from there I mean I did do it like the I did that den in Chicago. I filmed a special there. That was awesome I love that room. I did that. Chicago's awesome. Yeah, Chicago is just like one of the best cities, dude I just it's great. I just love being there. I love it. I don't know they got they love to talk shit like on New York They're like this is affordable. We got the water right there and I'm like look you're not wrong. Yeah. Yeah sports town It's a great. It's a great sports town. I love it, dude, and that room the den I did Netflix special there and it was like And that room, the den, I did a Netflix special there and it was like, yeah, it's perfect. That was one of my surprise, most fun rooms.

And I did that as I was getting ready to go on tour. Chicago is, yeah, that's a place I always love hidden. Chicago, Boston, there's some of those comedy cities that are just so. Oh dude, I cannot wait to do. You're doing Boston Garden? Yeah. Or TD Garden, whatever?

Yeah. Dude, I did it recently because I did comics come home. Yeah. Dennis Leary's thing with like the stack line up was like Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, Ronnie Chang, all these great comics on it and so much fun, man. They gave me a Bruins jersey, though, customized and I was like, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm also like, I'm a New York guy, I can't rock a Bruins jersey, but it's a cool gift. Yeah, it's cool, you frame it. There were some Boston guys there who were like, what the fuck, this is amazing. Oh, it was the Rangers when I would've gone nuts. Yeah, of course.

But it's a cool cause, and it's like, oh dude, I was going up there, and I'm taking the train up so I'm like it's an easy commute and the train in front of me fucking runs over a person. What? So we're on the tracks and I'm like I wonder if Ronnie Chang is on that train, I didn't see him on my train so I text him like are you on the train that hit a person he was like yeah dude we're not moving we're in the middle of the tracks I don't know what to do and I was like well we're off like so let me see if I I can pick you up at an Uber and we'll just like, it's like a two hour Uber,

but we gotta make the benefit, you know? So Ronnie was like, I'm literally in the middle of the tracks, we can't move, we ran over a person. So I was like, holy shit, so this guy comes back and this guy works for Amtrak, sees me, and he recognized me and he goes, I hope you make your gig tonight, man. And I was like, oh, thanks, and I I said do you want tickets if we make it and he

was like really that's amazing so cuz I so I did that he felt like he had to update me every two minutes so like what's going on so he'd like come back and be like hey it was a woman and I'm like oh fuck all right shit and and then I was like all right then he come back like two minutes later and he's like she was sitting Indian style. It was a suicide. Like, you know, it's going so quickly that the conductor, the engineer,

he can't slow down. So he just, he had to watch that. And I was like, that's fucking awful, man. Oh man. And then he goes, so the tickets are at box office? And I was like, uh, yeah. And he emailed me that night, cause I was like, here's my email

in case anything goes wrong. And I emailed him, I was like, he said I got in, I was like, let me know how the show is. And I make sure like they take care of you and stuff. And he wrote, man, amazing lineup, great night. That lady getting run over is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Pfft. Amazing lineup great night that lady getting run over is the best thing that ever happened to me But it was crazy crazy experience I mean we showered at the venue because I know I've you know you give yourself a couple hour window but we were delayed a few hours, so I end up showering in the Visiting locker room for the Celtics. It's like enemy territory, man. Celtics and that water stream is shit. Is it really? I think they do that to the visitors. On purpose, yeah. Yeah, to be like fuck you, here's a shitty stream.

It'll take you forever to shower. Yeah, that's awesome. It was great, I was like this is cold and shitty. The, we were on the road somewhere and one of the guys from like my crew was like, oh, I was talking to this chick at the bar and she's a conductor. She's a train conductor for Amtrak.

And he goes, I asked her, have you ever hit somebody? And she goes, yes, seven people. And he was like, what? And she goes, yeah, it's just as part of the gig. Especially on the holidays, they say, because people get really sad. She goes, my dad is also an Amtrak conductor Like that's how I got into this and he's hit over 40 people Oh my god, and I was like what and they and they were just like yeah, it's just how it goes. It's just part of the

Crazy, it's one of those things man. She's gonna hit people you see some shit Fuck man, so people like explode when a train hits them. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Train going that fast with that much mass. So I guess the hope is at least it's quick. It is quick. Yeah. But that is rough. That's rough.

And also like they have to, that's a bad gig. Whoever has to like dispose. Because you have to, the train can't move. You have to dispose. I guess you go back over it. I know. You have to dispose. I guess you go back over it. I know you have to dispose Hose it down the bad gig Super Amtrak super reliable great way to go

I do love Amtrak. They're great. I love a good train. I love a good especially a scenic route You get a nice view. I want the old-school like when you see in the movies where it's like this Bedroom, you know, I mean like murder on the Orient Express like that. Yeah sleep on it and It's kind of cool. That would be a cool thing. I did that one time I was a young comic and just like making no money I I did a 26 hour train ride to Toledo, Ohio. No shit. Yeah from New York yeah, cuz it was like, From New York? Yeah, cause it was like the cheapest way to get there.

And I, you know, I have a car and I'm a shit driver. And it was like a connect train ride for like a feature weekend, but it was like a hundred bucks. I was like, I'll fucking do it. Was it cool? Yeah, it was kind of cool. It was kind of like a cool adventure. Yeah.

It was only that bad cause I think of a hurricane. So it was like, it messed up a rail, but I was like, whatever gets me there cheapest, I will do. Cheapest, I would say. And it was like, yeah, fun weekend. I think a train is so cool. Don't forget, you can see Sam on his new tour, the Errors Tour, beginning in February 2025.

You can catch We Might Be Drunk with him and Mark Norman, and of course, Bodega Cat Whiskey. Yeah, dude, we're making some noise in New York. We're at Peter Luger's now, steakhouse, we're at a strip house, great steakhouse, cellar, all the comedy clubs in New York, The Stand, New York Comedy Club, they're all Gotham I believe is carrying it now too. Awesome. So yeah, and we're a bunch of new bars are about to carry it and yeah, man, Porosos and Bodega Cat, I rock myousos hat all the time. Thanks very much We're gonna crack over some whiskey here in a little bit get the day started right?

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Oh, dude a lot of Austin Dallas DC I'm hitting like 50 cities. So samorail.com slash shows for tickets Charlotte Tulsa I'm not gonna say I'm all obviously but I'm literally coming. I'm not gonna say them all obviously, but I'm literally coming, I'm not gonna say your tour name, I'm coming everywhere, the best tour name of all time. No, thanks man. I saw that I was like fucking jealous. I was like that is-

That was a good tour name. That was right there for any of us. I'm coming everywhere, but yeah, the Errors Tour and I got like, I'm gonna be, I'm coming to every city and if it's not there right now, it's gonna be added for the fall, but samrall.com slash- One of the best comics working today That's no shit. Absolutely. Go get tickets go see him. Laugh your ass off and We'll see you guys next week There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.