40ish - Being A Karen and A Slapped Bum

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

This week on 40ish: Nicole’s brain fog is making her send money to a stranger. Lauren confesses her most recent ‘Karen’ behaviour and a listener is perturbed after having her bum slapped at a party by a married man.  We would love to hear from you!  To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch at: Email [e-mail] Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/share/DVQWb6y2vesgeHEK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d  To order our book HAVE YOU TRIED THIS?” click here  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Have-You-Tried-This-Only/dp/1801293139/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1O7EA4ZF1O5CS&keywords=have+you+tried+this&qid=1699449028&sprefix=have+you+tried+%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Wear SPF every day even when it's cloudy. Yeah that is a rule. Replace your mascara every three months. Floss. Own a capsule wardrobe. Understand ices. Is this 40-something gospel? Or is it just stuff that you're supposed to do but actually everyone just knows about it but privately ignores it? And now every time we pass that restaurant it's like, oh is that where you were a Karen? It was where I was a Karen. Karen! It was like, yeah, it was where I was the Karen. What does she do about his 50th birthday party? Tell him to go fuck himself. I mean, I don't think that's an option on the RSVP, it's just kind of... You know you could put a message on the paperless post.

Yes, I'd love to attend. Unfortunately, we can't attend. Go fuck yourself. What would you do? I wouldn't go. we can't attend, go fuck yourself. What would you do? I wouldn't go. Before we jump into the show, we are very excited and very honoured to tell you that we are currently part of Spotlight. Spotlight is a project from Apple Podcasts which highlights a creator or creative team every couple of months and they have chosen us for the month of September. Apple's editorial team believes that you're going to want to be spending a lot more time with us and we definitely want to spend more time with you, so they kindly put us together. Thank you Apple Podcasts.

We really hope you enjoy this new show and we hope you stick around to talk about all things midlife. And don't forget that you can listen ad-free to both this show and Self Care Club when you subscribe to our channel for less than the price of a cup of coffee a month. Welcome to 40ish, I'm Nicole Goodman. And I'm Lauren Mishcon. This is a brand new podcast that navigates the challenges and absurdities of 40 something life and it's going to solve all of your dilemmas.

Well, like a new attempt to. In the coming weeks, we're going to discuss your problems, your issues and your rants that you kindly shared with us and we're also going to share some of our own stories about the mess of navigating midlife. Basically it's a podcast to make us all feel better, not worse and not weird about the mundane chaos that comes with middle age. So if you're new to the show then a big big welcome to you. Thank you for joining us. And please do go and follow the show as faulty-ish, faulty-zero-ish for new episodes every week. What's going on this week, Lauren? I'm going to share something. And I know you won't care.

You just won't care. You'll be like, I don't care. It's so boring. That's a bit mean. That is mean. I know you are. How do you know? Because I just know. Because I know you.

But I feel like other mid-lifers who are listening to this show might appreciate it. Is it about gardening? Yes, it is about gardening. Because that's the only thing I don't really care about. I'm going to tell you. You can just say I don't care and I'm still proud. I planted and grew a rose. Aww, that's cute. I planted a rose bush. I grew a rose. Oh, that's cute. I planted a rose bush, I grew a rose.

The most big, fat, white, beautiful smelling rose ever. It was glorious. How long did it take to grow? Not long, like a couple of months. Honestly, I'm so proud I took a photo of it. There was no point sending it to you, because you wouldn't care. I said to Ollie, come in the garden and look at the rose.

He was like, oh, come and look later, which basically means I don't care and I'm never coming to look. So I just didn't know what to do with it. You know what? What? My darling friend, you can send it to me. The photo?

Yeah. Thanks. You can send it to me and I will appease you. Pretend to care. I care because you care. I feel like you set this up badly and a little bit unfairly and you're right. Anytime you have told me of any of your gardening

achievements, I have screamed I don't care because I don't fucking care. But what I do care about is that it's brought you joy and pride. So much joy. Do you know what makes me even sadder is that often I really admire your garden. I say to you, oh my God, look how lovely that is.

No you don't. No you don't. You never, ever, ever really admire your garden. I say to you, oh my God, look how lovely that is. No you don't, no you don't. You never, ever, ever, ever say that. That is a lie. I said to you, I love those hydrangeas, I love this. I've pointed out some plants, you're like, I don't know what that is, I don't know what that's called. And you have such a lovely garden with so many lovely plants and flowers in it.

I don't feel like you love it. You just say to me, oh, there's dog shit out there. There's dog shit out there. That's like your only reply to your lovely garden, which is so lovely. Can I just say, can I just say, right, she has set this up as if she is like constantly coming in my home and complimenting my garden, which is not constantly. No, I know it's not.

When it is in bloom. In the summer, my garden does look lovely. It looks amazing. And in the spring. And it's a very hot day today, so I've opened all the doors. Did you come into my kitchen today? Yes.

And it was just gorgeous with all the doors open and it is very bright and colorful. Although I did have, I did, is this how you, I see what you're doing. I'm not doing anything. Yeah, I see, I see what you're doing. You have like pulled me in through the back door into a conversation about gardening.

Well, well done. Yay! Well done, I'm very proud of you. Thank you. At our age, we're supposed to appreciate shit like this. We're just supposed to. I know, it's very tragic. It's not tragic, it's glorious.

Lean in, lean in. Can I tell you what happened to me this week? Please. I did something so stupid. And it must have been like a menopausal moment. So basically I'm on a group with my friends that I go to the theater with. And she'd booked some tickets, theater tickets.

So then she said, oh, you will owe me such and such. So I went on and quickly just went and paid her. Cause I just needed to just action it and then it's done and I can take it off and blah, blah. And if you do it immediately, you won't forget to do it. Right. Anyway, the next morning she says to me, I haven't got the payment.

I said, no, no, I paid you. I absolutely paid you. I said, look, I'll show you. So I go into my app, go into my account and I realized I haven't paid her. Her name's Lauren. I'm not going to say the surname. And I've paid somebody else called Lisa, who has the same surname as her, who I haven't spoken to in about five years since our daughters were best friends

and had a big falling out. You are joking me. How have you still got her account details? Oh, don't be annoying. Don't do that. Don't be the, I delete all the account details. No, but they disappear automatically. No, they don't. Oh, with my bank, if you haven't paid someone

for more than six months, it comes out of your payments. Oh, how annoying. Yeah, so if it's someone you pay- So you have to keep inputting the same information. If you haven't paid them for like six months a year like EG the guy who looks after the dog when we go away in the summer I have to put his oh, that's so annoying. No, not West. Don't do that. You have to go in and delete it all. Okay. Oh It was like 75 quid right so it was an amount of money that I really needed to get back.

I couldn't just not get paid back. I let it go. How long have you not spoken to someone for? Oh, it was since COVID and the girls fell out and they fell out quite in a quite a big fashion. Okay. I haven't spoken. She was always a very nice woman, but awkward.

So awkward. So then I had to text her and say, hi, it's me, I hope you're well. I've done something really stupid, blah, blah, blah. And she was very cool about it. And she said, no problem, I'll transfer it back to you. That's fine. You're lucky she's a decent human being

because there are many women who would see that message and be like, I'm not gonna acknowledge it, delete you and just keep the money. Yeah, and your daughter was very nice to my daughter. Totally, she was actually very, very nice about it. And she put the money back into my account within 24 hours. Couple of weeks later, I go to the theater quite a lot. Couple of weeks later, no, it wasn't the theater,

we were going to something else, and I owed this same friend, this same Lauren, 20 quid. Yeah. I think she paid for dinner. I can't remember. Yeah. So I went into my app, paid her back, because I did it.

Once she reminded me, I did it immediately. I basically paid the same woman again. What is wrong with you? This Lisa again. No. Anyway, because it was 20 quid, I thought I just can't. You just let it go. I'm just letting go.

Have you just given her the 20 quid? I've let it go and now I've finally deleted her details. Oh my god. I mean, could that be? I would never have done that pre-perimenopause ever. No way. No way. Twice in the same week? So embarrassing. Anyway, so that's been my week. Okay, fabulous.

It's not totally fabulous, is it? Mmm, it's a little worrying. Let's get on to our first question. But before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We're not doctors or healthcare professionals. This is just a fun space where we share our thoughts. Which are probably and could be totally wrong. So if there is an issue that you're seriously struggling with, please contact a qualified expert. Okay, what's our first question, Laura Mishcon?

It is as follows. I think I'm having an existential crisis. Oh, welcome to the club. I have just turned 40. Congratulations. A baby. and commiserations. No, it's not commiserations. I love being in my 40s. It's been the best decade of my life. I don't love it so much.

Yes, you do. I don't. Yes, you do. I don't. I liked 36. 36 was great. Everything had good gravity. Everything looked better.

You had much younger children. It was all flowing. It was great. 36 was peak. 36 was not a good time for me. Okay. I enjoyed my 30s. Anyway, I have just turned 40, she says. I feel like there are many rules that I should abide by now. Wear SPF every day, even when it's cloudy. Yeah, that is a rule. Replace your mascara every three months.

Floss, own a capsule wardrobe, understand ICES. Is this 40-something gospel? Or is it just stuff that you're supposed to do, but actually everyone just knows about it, but privately ignores it? I would say, yes, that is true with the SPF and the flossing. I absolutely know it. I am absolutely told it all the time,

especially on my social media and when I go to the dentist and when I go and buy some skincare, and I totally fucking ignore it. Yes, SPF every day, I know I should, I don't. Replace your mascara every three months. Do you do that? I probably do actually. I actually do do that.

You know there's another rule on here that she hasn't mentioned. What is it? On Self Care Club, we had a bra expert on a few months ago. She was absolutely fantastic. She was. Let me tell you ladies, if you haven't heard that show, go back and listen because I actually learned

at the age of 47 and Lauren at the age of 46, how to put on a bra. How to put on a bra. And not only that, how to get the right size bra. I mean, I actually had no idea. You also meant to change your bra once a year. You're supposed to get a bra fitting every six months, did she say? Like you would a dental appointment.

Yes, I mean, a hygienist appointment. Do you go to the hygienist every six months? I don't. Sometimes. Wow, that's good. Sometimes I do. That's real adulting. I'll tell you what else is real adulting about that,

is I recently changed my dentist and you know why I changed my dentist? Well you do know because I told you because I had a whole moan at you about it because I didn't like him. I know I love mine as we have found out. Lauren has a crush on her dentist. I don't have a crush. If you can say I have a crush on my window cleaner which FYI I don't I can say you have

a crush on your dentist. I'd like to be really I'd really like to clarify the situation. My dentist is an excellent dentist and also a very nice man. I don't find him- David. David. Even though I know the name of your- I don't find him in any way- Do you know the name of my window cleaner?

Because I know the name of your dentist. Yes, I do. Doesn't matter, carry on. I do know the name of your window cleaner. His name's Anthony. It is. Right. So I would just like to say. Now there's people in North West London going,

oh I have an Anthony, lindecleaner. And they also have my dentist. I don't find him sexually appealing. What I really like is his, I want to say bedside manner, but it's like mouth side manner. I really like his mouth side manner. I like his mouth side manner. So when I see him he says.

She loves his mouth. You know what? Manner? You've got to make a commitment to flossing. Do you floss? And I always say to him, David, I have many commitments I cannot commit to flossing. It's not something I can commit to and I'm just going to be truthful about it. Sorry. Wow. I lie through my teeth, no pun intended, to my new dentist who tells me to floss and I say I'm absolutely going to, but it's actually not a lie in the moment because in the moment I feel quite motivated to do it. Of course you do when you're there.

When I'm there. Yeah. And then I do it for about three days and think oh fuck this, it's just another thing to do when I go to bed. Absolutely. Like emptying the washing machine. What time? Well you can make time and now I have to do all my back stretching, I mean it's just too

much. Fuck that. So anyway, I left my dentist. And you know why I left my dentist? Because you didn't like him. Because I didn't like, oh, I just said that. Because I didn't like him. And I walked out of that dentist,

the last dentist appointment. Oh no, it was on the phone. He phoned me. And I just thought, I don't like you. I've never liked you. I've been going to you for years. I've always felt uncomfortable about coming. And I have now decided I am no longer

going to be your patient. So I sent an email saying, could you please give me all of my files, which they did. I shall no longer be coming to your practice. And it was one of the most empowering moments of my forties. So that shit happens in your forties. Okay, what about capsule wardrobes? Do you have a capsule wardrobe?

I definitely don't have a capsule wardrobe. I definitely don't. You do. No, I don't. I don't even know what's supposed to be in a capsule. Like a pair of black trousers, a white shirt, that kind of thing, a blazer. A perfect pair of jeans, great pair of boots, a belt. It's a bit fucking dull.

I mean, it's so adult, but also mildly dull. But does your capsule wardrobe have to be the same as everybody's capsule wardrobe? I think it has to be classics. I think the point is they are classics, they are good quality, and they don't date. It's not fast fashion. It's like this is stuff that suits me, looks great on me, and I can wear and wear and wear. That's us. But the thing is about a perfect pair of jeans in a capsule wardrobe, the shapes of jeans change all the time. Like at the moment we've got like that horseshoe shape in. I mean, they're not going to stand the test of time. You're not going to put them in a capsule

wardrobe. Skinny jeans, they've dated. Well now they say they're coming back. Skinny jeans. Apparently. Are they? Apparently. I think they're a classic. I do. I think skinny jeans are a classic. But you know, when you see people in skinny jeans now, it does look a bit dated.

It does, especially men. How do you feel about middle-aged men in a skinny jean? I can't abide it. Depends on their physique. I don't care. You are very, very particular about what men wear. They're not allowed to wear- I'm not very particular. You are. I just like them to look decent.

Let me, let me clarify. Yeah. They're not allowed to wear a short sleeve shirt and they're not allowed to wear a hat. very particular. I just like them to look decent. Let me clarify. Yeah. They're not allowed to wear a short sleeve shirt and they're not allowed to wear a hat. And they're not allowed to wear skinny jeans. Baseball cap and winter hat. That's a lot of things.

That's not, it's four things. Three things. It's not even four. You can't count. Three things, I can't even count to three. It's three things, just three things. Well, I mean, it's quite a lot. My husband doesn't wear any of those things. Thank God. He was not allowed. I'm going to ask him what

his thoughts are on a skinny jean. I reckon he has got feelings about it. He would rather cut out his own eyeballs than wear a pair of skinny jeans. He has never owned a pair. He would never wear a pair. I would say he's more of a classic dresser, Ollie. He is. Rather than a high fashion guy. He is your capsule wardrobe kind of man. My husband is not. No, your husband loves like a bright red trainer

and like an acid yellow t-shirt. Yeah. He is a fashion forward dresser. He is, but sometimes he comes downstairs and I'm like, you know, you aren't actually 15. He's like, but don't you think I look cool? Don't you think I look cool? Like, you know what, you're 50 now,

and I'm not sure that you can pull this off so much anymore. I just feel like... Listen, to the person that's written in, it's not that much more work. It doesn't happen overnight when you turn 40. I will say, yes, it is a gradual thing. And now it does take me longer to get into bed at night because I have to do so much more, you know,

the flossing, which I don't do, the SPF, which I don't do, the back stretches, which I don't always do. What else? The HRT patches. Well, you don't change that every day. So that's fine. I do that in the morning.

So, you know, it's a gradual thing. So I wouldn't stress. And I would say that a lot of women are definitely aware of it and not doing it. I would say most, the majority are fudging it. Most of the time. We're all fudging everything. Pretty much, yeah.

So don't stress about it. It's not some private club of like real adults who talk about their Isis and pensions all day and are really just don't worry about it. We have never discussed Isis and pensions and I'm seven years into my forties. You've never discussed them with me or you've never discussed them full stop.

With you. You don't need to discuss them with me because your financial future isn't dependent on me or maybe it is. It kind of is. It actually is. I don't think we need a joint pension. I think we might have to be married for that.

No, no, but we've got a joint bank account. We do have a joint bank account, yeah. Yeah, do you want me to start looking into ISIS? Because I'm not sure I'm equipped. I know I'm the CFO. Well, you are the CFO. She's the CFO. Okay, I can start looking. I don't think we do ISIS together, do we?

Don't we do that with our families? This is what I'm saying, listen up. It's fine. Like we're not really down with this stuff either. Okay. I've, I've done something quite middle-aged this week. Actually, I'm, it's verging on peak middle-aged. Peak? What is peak middle-aged? This, this, this story. I went to Waitrose. Yeah.

Already. We're already classing me in my face. It's already peaking. And I was down for buying a bunch of flowers because I always like to have fresh flowers in my home. It's a very basic part of my self care. Love it. It makes me happy. Love it.

It's small. Love it. Often, and I will say this, my husband comes home on a Friday with a bunch of flowers for me. He did this Friday and it was delightful and I'm always very grateful. And I've also kind of, I've sort of encouraged him

towards not buying a big multicolored bunch because I don't like that. I like flowers of one color, specified. Anyway. Do they have to match your outfit? No, but just, you know, nail color. That would be amazing. Anyway, I went to Waitrose to buy some flowers.

I looked at the display of flowers. Can we just say at the top of this, Waitrose flowers, they're not the cheapest. Okay. They're not. Flowers are quite expensive these days. These flowers were the saddest display of wilting tragedy priced at £6 and over I have ever seen. There was not a bunch that I wanted to buy.

Was it late in the day? No, it was the morning. Disgusting. I went in. Oh my god, are you going to be a whole Karen about this? It's so Karen. I went in and there were some girls at the customer service desk and I said, I just wanted to let you know your flower display is disgraceful. And they were like, what? And I said, I've just been out there to try and buy a bunch of flowers. They look like they're three or four days old. Like when did these flowers-

Were you on your own? Yes. Because if I had my kids with me, they'd be like, you're being such a Karen. Yeah. When did these flowers come in? They were like, they came in this morning. I said, I really think that one of you needs to go out and have a look and then maybe speak to your flower supplier because this is like, I can't buy a bunch of flowers here and I'm now going to have to drive to Marks and Spencer's and I left and I got in the car and I thought, fuck,

I've turned into my mother. I saw something Jackie would do. Yes. Is it? And then she'd call you up and she'd have a whole rant at you about it. Is that something Jackie would do? Yes. Is it? And then she'd call you up and she'd have a whole rant at you about it. She'd probably have sent an email. What did they say?

What did they say? Were they just stood there shocked? No, she was like, we're totally, we will go out and have a look. Thank you. They did come in fresh this morning. Can I ask a question? Why are you complaining?

What fucking difference does it make to you? You're still not gonna get the flowers, are you? You're still gonna have to leave flowerless and go somewhere else to get the flowers and then to tell them, I love that you tell them that you're going straight to their competitor to get some flowers. They don't give a shit,

they're just working behind the fucking till in Waitrose. It might help other people who also want to go and buy flowers and find this dead, sad display. It's the National Service of North London. Exactly. Exactly. That is a real Karen moment. I've had one of those moments as well. And I still think about whether it was the right thing to do or not. I mean, are you pleased you did it? Do you feel good about yourself?

No, I feel annoyed because I had to do another like eight minute drive to go and get some decent, half decent flowers. That's all I'm saying. Is middle age, it's a very silver spoon problem. I'm not telling you it's a big issue in my life. I'm not claiming that it's a fucking tragedy. I'm just saying- You used the word tragedy. I said they were a tragic display, a tragic display of flowers. It was extremely middle-aged and I'm owning it. So there was a new braserie that opened up in my high street about a year ago. And they spent a fortune on the decor,

absolutely gorgeous in there, went there, had a very, very underwhelming dinner with a girlfriend, left, went back a couple of months later for a brunch with about six girls. How can you get avocado toast wrong? Oh, you can get avocado toast wrong. But it's a hard thing to fuck up, isn't it? Yeah, but it does happen.

Anyway, so this gorgeous brasserie and it was busy and everything. It was so shit. The meal was so shit. The service was great. Yeah. And the decor was great. Yeah. But the food was just rubbish. Yeah. Anyway so shit. The service was great. Yeah. And the decor was great. Yeah. The food was just rubbish.

Yeah. Anyway, so I went up to the manager and I said, I was very nice about it. And I basically said, your food shit and I hate your restaurant. No, I said, I think it's really lovely in here and I really want you to do well. And it's nice to have an independent brassieree in the local high street. But your food is not good enough. Burn. the brasserie in the local high street, but your food is not good enough. Oh! Burn! And I did say it in a way of like,

I just want you to know, cause that's what kind of people, that's what the locals are saying about it. It's everyone saying, it's shit here. And I just wanted to tell you. Yeah! When I went home and told my kids what I'd said over the dinner, they're like,

you are such a fucking Karen, I just cannot with you. And now every time we pass that restaurant, it's like, oh, is that where you were a Karen? It was like, yeah, it was where I was a Karen. She was fine about it. She probably wasn't honest, she probably slagged me off to all the staff. Right, so I was just trying to let them know.

Did you give them any tips on how to improve their shit avocado toast? I'm not a chef, and I don't work in the restaurant business. No, but you know what you like. I'm a consumer. You know what you like and what you don't like. So just a bit of salt wouldn't go amiss.

A bit of lemon juice, like something. That's what I'm saying. Constructive feedback would have been great. It was constructive feedback. I would have said, like, I just felt like it was a bit under seasoned and I didn't really like the way you mashed it. No, but the salad a few weeks before that

was utterly shit as well. Okay. What am I gonna go do? Go in the kitchen and start teaching the chef how to cook? Can I just say the mistake was returning? There are many, many. I haven't returned since. No, but you went twice. It was shit the first time.

But I like to support my local high street. God, there's enough chains on there. When you get an independent shop, I much prefer it. Get that. Back to preso I go. What's our second dilemma this week, Lauren? Oh, Nicole, you're not going to like this. You're going to have a lot to say. Am I?

Yeah. My bum was slapped by another man. Okay, okay. Me and my husband are friendly with another married couple. Oh dear. I find him to be quite flirty whenever we're together, but my husband and his wife seem either completely oblivious or not fussed about it. I feel mildly uncomfortable, but I also don't want to be weird or sound like a prude or make a thing out of nothing. Oh God, that old chestnut, hey? Last weekend we were at a big party and he slapped my bum and he walked past me. That is not okay.

I was pretty surprised, but he had walked off into another room before I could gather myself together enough to respond. Then it was over, the moment had passed and the night went on. I told my husband what had happened on the way home. He said I'm a grown woman and if I was bothered by it I should have said something. We've now been invited to his 50th birthday in a few weeks time. Oh god I don't want to go.

I don't blame her. But I also don't feel that I can say why. What should I do? Oh, I'm so uncomfortable just reading the question. I feel a little sweaty and a bit uncomfortable. Well, the first thing is, is that she obviously has always felt mildly uncomfortable around this guy and now she knows why, right? Because he's inappropriate and whether it's very subtle flirtation or physically putting his hand on her ass, both are just as inappropriate and not okay. Do you think... I'm just putting this out there. I know you're gonna shoot it down but I'm just putting it out there. Do you think he's just one of those guys and we all know them who just is a fun guy and a bit of a flirt and it's harmless? Do you know what I mean when I say

that? A fun guy? No, I'm sorry. No. The big clue here is that she says she feels uncomfortable. Yeah. That's the big flashing problem for me. She also says that his wife and her husband are completely oblivious. But it's not about her, it's not about his wife and her husband, it's about her and how she feels around this guy. Because I'll guarantee if I asked her, how would you feel about being stuck alone in a dark room with this guy, she would probably be very, very intimidated and scared to do that. So therefore, there is an issue.

The fact that he has slapped her on the bum is a big issue. The fact that he has put his hands anywhere near her without her consent, whilst his wife is there and her husband is there is a big issue. The fact that she is gaslighting herself to say, oh, well, you know, I'm probably misreading it or I'm looking into it and all this shit that we do as women because we're conditioned to do that.

Like you knew I'd have a rant about this. This is not okay. None of this is okay. And the arrogance of him to think that it is appropriate and acceptable because I guarantee if she turned around to him and said, you know what, please don't slap my ass. He would belittle her in a fucking second and say, oh my God, it's sorry.

I was only a bit of fun. Like don't be such a prude. He would turn it all. That's what she said. She's worried about making a thing out of nothing or him like thinking she's a whatever. But it doesn't mean, but it doesn't matter what he thinks. It's about what she thinks and how she feels.

And my advice is to her to tune into that. It doesn't matter how her husband feels about it, how the wife feels about it. It's like, how her husband feels about it, how the wife feels about it. It's like, how do you feel about it? You feel uncomfortable. That is okay. And that is allowed. And that is appropriate.

So what does she do about his 50th birthday party? Tell him to go fuck himself. I mean, I don't think that's an option on the RSVP. It's just kind of- No, you know you could put a message. Yes, I'd like- On the paperless post. Yes, I'd love to attend. Unfortunately, we can't attend.

Go fuck yourself. What would you do? I wouldn't go. I would probably not go. So I have had this happen to me before. I wasn't then invited to a 50th birthday, but I have had a guy slap me on the bottom three times at a party.

Three times? Three times. Okay. In the same, in the same... Oh, like slap, slap, slap? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

All right. And was he talking to you at the time? Did he just march past you and do it? What was the context? He'd made a beeline for me during the party. And he was married? I've known this guy for years and years. Married?

Married. I know his wife. You were married at the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It happened about 10 years ago. Oh, okay. Something like that. Yeah.

And he slapped my bum three times and then I wanted to leave and then I left. And then- Did you tell Adam? I didn't tell Adam immediately actually. You just said, I wanna go. It was quite late anyway, so it was fine. And then a couple of days later, I told Adam what happened and he's like,

why didn't you tell me? I said, I don't know. I just felt so ashamed, which was a really weird way to feel about it, but I did. I just felt like somehow it was my fault. I was wearing a backless dress and, you know, I gaslit myself into it being my fault. Special. Yep, but it was my fault. I was wearing a backless dress and, you know, I gaslit myself into it being my fault. Special.

Yup, but it's not uncommon. No, it's not uncommon. Anyway, I thought about it and thought about it. And I spoke to one of my friends and they said to me, how would you want your daughter to behave if this happened to her? And that was all I needed. That was the only, he was a coach, this guy,

and it was the only perspective I needed. And so I sent him a Facebook message, the basic, because I didn't have his number or anything, that basically said, look, we are going to be seeing each other at a few parties in the future, because we ran in similar social circles, and I just want you to know

that you are never to touch me or my bum ever again. Or anywhere else. It's fine if you want to grope a breast, but not my bum. You know, my bums are my favorite body part. Anyway, so I said, you are not to do that ever again. I just put the boundary out there. I mean, he wrote back and totally gaslit me and said, I don't know what you're talking about, you're mad.

That didn't happen, like completely denied all. Just a blatant lie. A blatant, blatant lie. And then said, and to be honest with you, if I was gonna slap anybody's ass, it wouldn't be yours. Fuck you, mate. Wow. That is, you know, that's just so if his wife ever saw it,

he'd have like, you know, written proof that he had denied doing it. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Yeah. We went to a wedding once, this was a long time ago, we were married but we hadn't had kids yet.

And it was in the countryside and it was all these old uni mates who I'd never met before. And one of them made a beeline for me after dinner and asked me if I wanted to go and take Coke and snog him in the toilets. And I just thought, you literally couldn't have picked a worse person to ask like,

of all the women at this wedding. Was his, he was married with his wife there. I don't know what his marital status was. I haven't got a clue. But he knew about yours. He knew that you were married to Ollie. He knew I was with Ollie because Ollie had brought me and they'd gone to uni together. I mean, I had no idea. I'd never met this guy before. But I just thought, you know what, there must be like 150 women at this party. You couldn't have picked a worse candidate to ask to go and take drugs with

you in the toilet. And to snog you. And the snogging. Any of it, all of it. No, just no, no. I definitely don't think she should go to the 50th. Definitely not. I think it is okay to stand your ground and say to yourself, forget anybody else and how anybody else reacts to it, to yourself, I feel uncomfortable around this guy and I do not want to be around him.

That's very empowering and very important. So, but would you tell the truth in the RSVP or not in the RSVP, but like at some point, would you be like, I just don't want to- Well, I did, didn't I? Spend time with you anymore. I did. Yeah, you did. I did, yeah.

Do you think she should? Only if it will make her feel better. I spent time with you. I did. Yeah, you did. I did. Yeah, I did. She should. Um, only if it will make her feel better. It made me feel better to say you are not to do that anymore. And by the way, he never did. And he did it. I swear to you, he did it to my best friend. A couple of months later, he did exactly the same thing to my best friend. A couple of months later, this guy needs an ASBO. So, I knew that I was onto something. And to this day, I feel so proud of myself that I said something. It didn't stop him, but I feel proud of myself.

I also feel sorry for this guy who slapped you on the bum. I feel sorry for his wife, because if my husband was going around at parties slapping women on the bum, I'd be really, really, really devastated. Yeah, so would I. So would I.

I think if she's comfortable enough to say something, by all means say it, but I just want her to know that it is okay to be upset about it, and it is not okay that he did that. However, however he comes back at you, however your husband comes back at you, it is not okay. Love it. Well, that's our show, everybody.

Thank you so much for listening. We've loved spending the afternoon, morning, evening, dog walk, drive, commute, whatever it is. Laundry, cooking, whatever you're doing whilst you're listening. We don't know. No. Sometimes I listen to podcasts blow drying my hair, so maybe they- How? How?

It's too loud. Headphones? Oh, I try that, but then they get knocked out my ears. I love it. I listen when I'm putting on my makeup sometimes, when I'm getting dressed. It's true, dog walks, classic time. Anyway, we've loved having you.

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