40ish - From The Archives: Aussie Deception Drama & Varicose Veins

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

We are taking a break over the summer holidays . In the meantime, please enjoy this classic episode from the archives. This week on 40ish: Lauren and Nicole receive an email offering varicose vein treatment, a listener is in a bit of a pickle after lying at work and one woman in desperate need of a wee completely loses her sh*t in public and now regrets it.  We would love to hear from you!  To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch. We love to hear from you! To share your feedback, dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch  Email [e-mail]  Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast   TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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AIB for the life you're after Aladairsh Bank's PLC and AIB Mortgage Bank UC are regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland You know what? Let me come to you If I've got a 40-ish problem You don't need to point it out and assume it's there I will come to you How dare you come to me

You were fun, you were like, oh, hi blah blah blah Thanks so much And then I text you and I was like I want photographic evidence Of your Varicus Banks Because I've seen your body and I ain't seen no varicapes of it. Have you got some? Are you hiding them from me? Where are they?

I am going there because they don't know. They don't know. And unless you follow us or self-care club, and I haven't finished and have listened to us for many, many years talking about this, they won't know. So I'm filling them in. Before we jump into the show, we're very excited and honour to tell you that we're currently part of Spotlight. Spotlight is a project from Apple Podcasts which highlights a creator or creative team every couple of months, and they have chosen us for the month of September. Apple's editorial team believes that you're going to want to be spending a lot more time with us, and we definitely want to spend more time with you.

So they kindly put us together. Thank you Apple Podcasts. We really hope you enjoy this new show, and we really hope that you stick around to talk about all things midlife. Welcome to 40-ish. I'm Lauren Mishkon, and I'm Nicole Goodman. This is the brand-new podcast that navigates the challenges and absurdities of 40-something life and solves all your dilemmas. Well, we're going to attempt to.

In the coming weeks, we're going to discuss your problems, issues and rants that you've kindly shared with us and also divulge our own stories about the mess of navigating midlife. Basically, it's to make us all feel better together and so that none of us feel weird or worse about the mundane chaos that is middle age. How are you this week, Lauren? I've never felt more 40-ish in my life than when you and I received a joint email this week. completely you know what I'm going to say don't you you know I'm going to say about it I've never been so fucking offended

it wasn't an email my line because it's also 40-ish it was actually a DM request it was a fucking email did she DM it as well it wasn't it was in our Instagram DMs no it was an email saying dear Lauren and Nicole I run it was an email hold on let's just give it I'm going to read the fucking email now. It was in our self-care club email.

I don't care what it was in. I don't give a shit. It was on our self-care club account. What it was in. No, I'm just saying that's our wellness account. Hi, Lauren and Nicole. I look after the PR for bleep, I'm not mentioning the name,

who specialise in laser treatment for thread veins and varicus veins. And I wondered if you'd be interested in a treatment. Thanks. You think. I mean, I don't know how you felt. But when I woke up in the morning and opened that email, didn't I reply? You replied and you were like, oh, hi, blah, blah, blah. Thanks so much.

And then I text you and I was like, I want photographic evidence of your varicose veins because I've seen your body and I ain't seen no varicrous veins on it. Have you got some? Are you hiding them from me? Where are they? Okay. Lots of questions. Basically, I was a hairdresser for 30 years. Yes.

So I was stood on my feet for 30 years. Yes. And that does create thread veins. Where are they? On my legs? Show me. No. Fuck off, no.

Not sure they're showing you. There's one on the back of my leg here that... Whatever. What I'm saying is, you've taken it as a total insult. Oh my God, it's so insulting. It was a nice email to receive. Okay. I will be honest.

I did look at the company. Because I wanted to know what is the treatment for such a thing. Yeah. And do they offer anything else I may be interested in it. Do they just do that shit or like... Do they like do laser hair removal? No, they don't do anything. They just do varicose veins.

And it actually looks quite unpleasant. There's needles, there's local anaesthetic, there's lasers, there's stuff. And I thought, oh, do you know, even if I did have them, I don't know if I'd want that anyway. But also, don't assume because that we're in our 40s, we have them. Oh, okay, we're getting to the bottom of it now. That's the problem. Yeah. That's the problem.

So because you're in your 40s, You don't want to be associated with 40-ish things, even though you've now set up a podcast about it. You know what? Let me come to you. If I've got a 40-ish problem, you don't need to point it out and assume it's there. I will come to you.

How dare you come to me. What is a sexy problem that occurs in your 40s? Name me something like cool, young and sexy that happens in your 40s. Hold on. Sexy and problem don't go together. What is cool, fun and sexy in your 40s to do in your body? mind oh to do with your body yeah you just basically no i don't agree with that okay no it doesn't decay it doesn't decay it doesn't decay okay we're all getting younger we're not listen pre pre back surgery

now if you're in denial yeah pre back surgery yeah i am someone who likes to work out a lot yeah pre back surgery yeah i would pre back surgery let's just highlight underline put that in bold I was the strongest I'd ever been. Great. I was the strongest I'd ever been. Yes. I'm going to repeat it. Okay.

I was the strongest I'd ever been. Well, that's cool. And there is nothing cooler and sexier than that. I was also, I was in great shape. I was in great shape. I only ever see it retrospectively, to be fair, but I was. That's cool. That's sexy to be in great shape when you're over 40.

You know why? Because it takes so much more fucking work. You are like on one today. On what? On my on? With the monologues. Monologs. You could do the vagina monologues about menopause.

The 40-ish monologues. I fucking could. We should change the name of this podcast. That is going to be our live show. Me stood on the stage just ranting about people's perceptions of perimenopals because you have a lot of them. And let me tell you something, it's okay. It's not a perception when you wake up to an email about, hi, would you like me to laser your fucking non-existent Varacus veins? No, I don't have any.

Thank you. No, thank you. Thanks so much. Bye-bye. Instead, you completely ignored the email, didn't you? On purpose? Yeah. Found it.

Listen, they see us. They see us doing a podcast. They want a bit of exposure. I get it. Let's follow this through. They're hustling like we are. Hi. Hi, lady.

Anonymous lady. Yes. We'd love to come and film having things. Varicus veins lasered off our legs and put that all over social media No thanks I'm sensing a lot of anger

Do you know some people? You know what that could be associated to? What? Perimenopause. Do you know some people get Varicus veins in their vulvas? That is a thing. It's an issue.

I know your face says it all. It's true. I'm not joking. How does that even happen? Happens in pregnancy. I've seen them. It's not nice.

It's all right. You've seen them. Those days are over. You can only get them in pregnancy. I don't think you can only, but it does happen then. Does that hurt? Yeah, yeah. Not very comfortable.

You know, the last episode you talked about a bunch of grapes as hemorrhoids. Now you're talking about, like, just stop it. Stop it. I'm not. Just stop it. I'm not going to stop it. Just before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We're not doctors or healthcare professionals.

This is a fun space where we share our thoughts. Which could be totally wrong. So if there is an issue that you're, are seriously struggling with please contact a qualified expert all right Nicole I have got an email in for you today dear Lauren and Nicole since perimenopause started I have developed some rage oh I hear your sister feel you yeah get it but worse than that because you're not in peri menopause remember I'm not I've just got just general non perimenopause related sometimes occasional rage but worse than that quite an

urgent bladder. As in, when I need a wee, I really have to find a loo quickly. Yeah. You really relate. You're relating to that. I am hard relating to that, but I also really need a wee all the time. It's so true. I thought you were going to say annoying, so thank you for that.

I wasn't. I'm not even going to say it may also be related to your water consumption because I just don't have the time or energy for that conversation. and I really want to tell you the rest of this. Go on the story. I was out shopping with my daughter on the high street when the need presented itself. I went into the nearest place, which was a gastro pub, and I asked the girl at reception area

who was in her 20s if I could use the loo. She said, no, it was for customers only and said I had to buy something. Oh, that's annoying. I said I'd have the cheapest thing on the menu, which was a Coke. She pretty much thrust the carb machine into my face. I said that I'd left my daughter outside with my bag,

which had my wallet and my phone, really needed to use the loo first and by now I was completely desperate. So I just walked through to the loos with her shouting after me. Good for her. Good for you. I used the loo and I walked out feeling angry and embarrassed. Oh, I thought she was going to say liberated. She followed me, stood in the open doorway and watched me get my bag. I went back in with her and paid. She still made her buy the bloody Coke. Yep. The restaurant was full of customers. As I walked out, she reminded me in a really patronizing tone for me to take the Coke. I lost my rag and I shouted, I don't want the fucking Coke, you jobsworthy little cunt. It'll just make me want the loo again. Wait until you're 48 and about

to piss yourself. Everyone in the place turned and stared at me. Please tell me they clapped. I left. When I passed this place again, which I definitely will because it's on my local high street, should I go in and apologize? Wow. Wow. Wow. I really want to know where this was. I really want to know where this was. Okay. Lots to talk about. Yeah. I so relate to the bladder problem, the rage, the jobs worth, like all of it. And I am so happy that she stood up and she screened. Maybe not calling her the names that she called her. Don't massively agree with that. But she screamed. But she screamed. that you wait till you are 48, you just fucking wait, because you just fucking wait, seriously. Because when you need to go, you need to go. And actually, what this waitress was doing was being very unkind and very unaccommodating,

but it would have taken nothing for her to say, you know what, just go still there, it's totally fine. Nothing would have taken nothing. But she doesn't understand the rage or the bladder problems. She doesn't get it. But she will, Nicole. She will. She will. It's coming for everyone one day.

Even, even me. Well, your bladder doesn't seem to be coming. My bladder is vast. It's also empty. Because you don't drink anything. It could literally hold half the water in London in my bladder. No, it couldn't. My parents used to call me the camel.

It doesn't. It's not that it holds a lot of water. It does. It has capacity. No. No. It does. You don't drink anything.

I drink enough to keep me sustained. If you scanned your bladder and my bladder, I'm telling you my bladder would have a larger capacity than yours. I would say you probably have a slightly smaller than average bladder. I would say I'd probably have a slightly larger than normal bladder. I mean, what a diss. I don't even know why that's a diss, but it feels like a dis. It's not.

I'm just telling you. Capital D-I-S. I've had three children and I can hold a wee-in forever, forever and ever and ever. Well, let me tell you a story. That is not something to be proud of. It's actually very dangerous. It's actually very.

Not saying I do on purpose, I'm just saying I could. I could. My best friend, who now lives in Miami. She always used to do that. And used to like talk about it as if it was she deserved a medal because she always holds her wee in. She would literally sit at my house when the toilet was right there and she would say, oh, I can't be bothered. Yeah, I get that. Until, until what happened to her?

One day. It's like a cautionary tale. She got rushed to hospital Why? Because she had the most horrendous kidney infection. And the doctor said to her, and I reminded her of this a couple of months ago when we saw each other,

the doctor said to her, do you empty your bladder properly? Because this is probably why you have such a bad... She was in hospital for days over this kidney infection. I cannot tell you how well she was. Coincidental. It could have been completely coincidental. That is not from not doing a week.

You know what that is? What? Fingers in the ears. Yeah. And just la la la-la-l-l-ring it. My kidneys are fine. My bladder is fine. I have capacity.

I know your blood is, your kidney is fine, and your bladder is fine, because you don't drink enough. Okay, okay, ma'am. Your bladder is, I don't think you're... Firstly, no one knows the size of your bladder versus the size of my bladder.

Nobody's telling you I'm right. I may not have X-Rovision, but I'm telling you I'm right. You know what's really annoying about that. I also agree with you. Yes, of course you do, because it's factually correct. It's not, no. It's not built on fact because we haven't actually measured them.

Oh my God. I don't have capacity or bandwidth to have a hydration debate with you on this podcast. Basically, if you're listening to this. Oh, God, she's going there. I am going there because they don't know. They don't know. And unless you follow us or self-care club, and I haven't finished and have listened to us for many, many years talking about this,

they won't know. So I'm filling them in. So I just leave. I'm filling them in. You fill them in briefly. Lauren doesn't drink very much. No. I drink a lot.

Yeah. We have been hosting a wellness podcast for many, many years. And all the experts, we've had many on the show, one of the big pillars of wellness is called, what is it? Hydration. And Lauren doesn't believe that. She doesn't believe that you need to hydrate to stay well. And I'm always trying to prove the point that you do.

She is always trying to disprove that point. I just believe, like when you're thirsty, have something to drink. If you're not thirsty, you don't need to just sip, fucking sip, sip, sip, sip on your Stanley Cup. Sip, sip, sip, sip all day long

for the sake of like whatever the fuck it is. I think it's like a problem. Basically, the hydration conversation between you and me is the equivalent of we were on a break. It is our, we were on a break. And until the day we both die,

we will never ever agree. Well, I tell you what, I won't be dying of dehydration. I got to tell you. I watched that episode of Friends the other day where Ross is, whispering to baby Emma and if

mommy ever tells you you were on a break who are you whispering that to who's our baby the dogs yeah the dogs I will say to Barker and she does drink too much I don't care what she says that's why she always needs to me and you will whisper to Miley she just doesn't

hydrate enough she just doesn't hydrate enough and that's it's how we were on a break anyway I don't think she should have dropped the C-bomb really no I don't I don't think you should ever drop the C-bomb oh I disagree sometimes it is the only appropriate word.

The last time you dropped it. I've definitely dropped it to you, not at you, but like I've definitely said. Have you? She's just a c-t. Sometimes it's the only appropriate phrase. I don't think it's ever appropriate. Oh, it is. Sometimes you can't cover what a c-oh-they are until you just drop it.

Do you know what I mean? Sometimes it's that bad. I'm feeling very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Why? Why? Because you're normally quite posh and reserved. And you dropping this C-bomb feels.

I'm saying you save it. I don't drop it on the reg. But I'm saying if you... Who are you? Who is this? On the reg. If you've got a situation where there is no other appropriate word to describe the person, then you drop it and it has some weight.

You would never, ever, ever. Let's say she was in a Starbucks, for example. Yeah. You would never be in this Starbucks and say, you would never have said that to the waitress, ever. You can't even say it. Go on, say, job-worthy little c- No, I don't want to say it.

I don't want to. Why? Because this is a classy place. But that's what I'm saying. It's not something to be used every day. It's not your average word. It's a word you reserve for the truly country people in life. What I'm asking you is, would you have come out that toilet?

And when she's still thrusting that coke in your face, would you have turned around and screamed at her and called her the sea word? I don't shout in shops or in public. You don't shout. I don't really shout. It's not really my vibe. So I probably wouldn't have done that. But having said that, I'm obviously not in pale menopause with rage and an urgent bladder.

But if I was, who knows what could happen. And in the future, Nicole, many years into the future. I just want to say that actually you did disappear. two months ago. Fuck off. Well, you did miss a period two months ago. And you were like, oh, I think I manifested it because I thought about taking this pill because I was going on holiday.

And I thought taking the pills so that I didn't get the period. And then I just didn't get the period. And then I just didn't want to get a period when I was on holiday. I'm like, no, mate, mate, mate, you are in fucking perimenopause. You've also got a frozen shoulder. You also do get quite rageful over really weird shit. You also are losing things. You know, I don't want to gas light.

into this, but I really feel like at some point you are going to have to wake up to the fact that you are 46 years old and you might have some symptoms of perimenopals. It's not a fucking weakness. It's just a fucking fact, just like you think your bladder is bigger than mine. Wow, are you done? Yeah, feel great. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, joined thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research.

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skin. This is me. E45 makes your skin feel comfortable so you can feel more comfortable in your skin. E45 is available in leading Irish retailers. Our second dilemma. Yeah. Oh, it's good. I'm ready. It's good. Get ready because I think you're going to have a lot to say about this. Ozi drama. Oh, I'm in a bit of a pickle, she says. Three months ago, I went for a job. interview for a job that I applied for on a whim but never in a million years thought I would get. Okay. Just to amuse myself as I had been to so many interviews that week, I conducted the interview in an Australian accent. Oh, you fucking legend.

I got the job. Oh, no. For the last nine weeks, from Monday to Thursday, between 10 a.m. to 6pm, I had been conducting myself as a fake Australian. To create quite a backstory for myself and Google towns on the Gold Coast so I can answer questions from my colleagues. I have never been to Australia. And my only knowledge comes from watching maths. Oh my God. She's asking, what the hell should she do?

You've got yourself into a right hall there, mate. Have you ever had anything of this sort of thing happen before? Like, have you ever been, like, you know, you hear of people that they go on dates and they'll say they're like in their 20s when they're really in their 30s and they start seeing each other for longer and it starts to go somewhere and it's like, at what point do I tell him I'm actually 36 and I told him I was 27? You know, you can see how this shit would happen. I did, I did, I have mentioned this on our other podcast, but I did go through a phase of about a year

when I was in my mid-teens when me and my best friend concocted this like story where we were cousins of new kids on the block and basically lived our lives in an American accent for the best part of a year but you totally got away with it yeah totes got away with it

but we were teenagers it wasn't a job I didn't have to go in nine to five and pretend to be from another country I mean wow she she's got herself into a right little one way alley I remember when I first started dating Adam and it's not quite the same but it does remind me of this When I first started dating Adam, I was really, really, really skinny.

Yeah. Now, I've never really been skinny. I've always been quite voluptuous. I've always been like a really healthy body size. And I always had, when I was younger, I had much bigger boobs. And I had like, you know, I had the big boobs and the sort of the Jessica Rabbit shape and a big bum and big thighs. And I was always very curvy. And I just lost loads of way.

I was on some sort of, oh, I know why. I was on some migraine medication and it just took away my appetites. Name please. What? Write down that fucking stuff. I'm buying it now. Can you inject it? I think these days it's called Ozenic.

Oh yeah. Okay. I don't want to do that. And I got really thin. Anyway, so I went on this date with him. We started, you know, obviously it took off quite quickly. And we got quite serious about each other quite quickly. And I felt like I was giving him misinformation.

Just by being skinny. Yeah. Yeah. Because I knew I wasn't going to stay skinny. because it wasn't my usual body type. So I really had to come up with a time, the right time to inform him that this isn't my normal body shape.

This is not my real body. I know you're seeing it. It's not VR, but actually it's not me. Yeah. Well, now you could say these days you could say it was AI. You could. I know you think you're sitting at a dinner table with me, but I'm actually AI generated. This is a shallow howl kind of sit-you.

But the opposite way around. Yeah. So it really took me a long time. to pluck up the courage to say to him, by the way, I'm not normally this skinny. What is she going to do? The question is, do you like this job? Like, can you leave? Can you find another job? Because you can't, you can't suddenly say, oh, I made it up because you're going to look like a, you're going to look, well, you're not going to look good. I think there's a few options. I think the first option is gradually, gradually, slowly, slowly, over the weeks and possibly months, the accent

fades and then when people are like gosh you don't really sound Australian anymore you could just come up with well I've just been here so long now that my accent's fading and then eventually people are kind of going to forget they're not I think they're not she's created a whole backstory Lauren that's okay but she doesn't live there now secondly or yeah okay this is my other option you could announce that you're part of a social experiment, which has now come to an end. You were getting paid by a company. You could do that.

No, no. You could. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. What's the social experiment? To like go into a company and like pretend to be from another country. You could say it was like a promotion for the Australian tourist board. Let me ask you a question. If someone started to work with us and we hired somebody and they were presenting as Australian. Yeah. And then a couple of months later.

Even if they were really good at their job, they suddenly said to us, by the way, I'm not Australian. I'm actually British. Yeah. And I did it as part of a social experiment. As a promotion for the Australian tourist board. I would have a big question mark over said person. Wouldn't you? Or, because that wouldn't sound right to me.

This day and age, she could just say, I now identify as British and from now on I will only be using a British accent, even though I'm really Australian. and do that. But she's still lying. Or, or, quit. Quit, she could quit and find another job and don't go into the next job interview, Australian. What if she's made friends? Well, she probably has. Yeah.

Actually, I've got the most amazing, the most amazing answer. Yeah. She could tell the truth. Of course she can't tell the truth. She'll fire her. Do you think they'll fire her? Yes. What if she's really good?

at her job and so like, look, I've got... And a pathological liar. I've got a really embarrassing situation and I need to tell you that I came in and never in a million years thought I'd get the job. So I thought I'd just fuck around and I started with an Australian accent and then it all just spiraled out of control and now you think I'm from the Gold Coast when actually I'm from Brixton. No.

You've got this thing about like telling the truth. I don't know what that is about. Just like, why? Never tell the truth. What do you mean I've got this thing about You're always like, be honest. Speak your truth, tell the truth. Don't tell the truth. Never tell the truth. It's not a thing.

The truth is not good. It's not a thing. It's like part of who I am. It's kind of integral to my fucking character. Never tell the truth. Just like my small bladder. Yeah. The truth is never a good option.

The truth is the only option. No. The truth is the only, the truth. The truth is like, hey, I have grey hair. I don't color it. Hey, I don't need to say that because people would see it. Because if you're coloring it all the time, No one knows your grey hair.

Just don't, just don't know. Just fudge it all, all the time. What are you fudging? Everything. What are you fudging? Is your name even Lauren? No. Do you even like me?

Not even British. You actually, Australia. Is this you? But the other way round. This is you, isn't it? You've written this in. I'm actually Australian and I've been presenting as British. I feel like in this day and age,

she can also come up with some sort of gem like, I identify as Australian even though I'm not. No one could say anything. You just have to brush over the back. Yeah, but they talk about her behind her back. Okay, fine, but it's behind her back so she wouldn't know. She's got to... Quit.

Quit. You've got to quit or tell the truth. Shit or get off the pot. Thank you so much for listening to 40-ish and being a part of our lovely 40-plus community. Do you have issues with fake accents? Have you ever called anyone a jobsworthy, come to a shop? If so, we'd love to hear from you. Hello at 40ish.com.

That's 40ish.com.com.com. Please write in anything you want to tell us, any of your problems, any of your embarrassing moments, any of your not so, things that you're not quite so proud of, anything that you're struggling with. We want to hear it all and we will anonymously unpick it on the show. And please come and follow us on our socials at 40ish. podcast. You'll find us on TikTok with the youngsters, Instagram with the 2030-somethings, and Facebook for sensible people of our own age. Oh, and also on the YouTube. It's just YouTube. Just YouTube. We will be back next week with another episode. See you then. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar

raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcf walk.ca.ca. Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli-meat products for always 375 and get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, We're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more.