40ish - Getting The Ick & Facial Hair

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

This week on 40ish: Nicole gets the ick with her husband’s holiday shoes and Lauren has a Menty B when her husband shaves off his beard. A listener is appalled to discover her boyfriend has unpacked the shopping and seen her secret shameful purchases (fungal toenail medication anyone?)  We would love to hear from you!  To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch at: Email [e-mail] Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/share/DVQWb6y2vesgeHEK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d  To order our book HAVE YOU TRIED THIS?” click here  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Have-You-Tried-This-Only/dp/1801293139/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1O7EA4ZF1O5CS&keywords=have+you+tried+this&qid=1699449028&sprefix=have+you+tried+%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Red One... We're coming at you. ...is the movie event of the holiday season. Santa Claus has been kidnapped? You're gonna help us find him. You can't trust this guy. He's on the list. Is that Naughty Lister? Naughty Lister?

Dwayne Johnson. We got snowmen! Chris Evans. I might just go back to the car. Let's save Christmas. I'm not gonna say that. Say it. Alright.

Let's save Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that?

Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable. Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices?

Uh, nope. You're on your own there. Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals, and more delivered right to your door on Skip. I suddenly remembered that as well as the usual eggs, pasta and tinned tomatoes, I had ordered facial hair removal cream, fungal toenail medication and hemorrhoid suppositories, all of which he had unpacked and placed in the bathroom. No, he hadn't. No, he hadn't.

He looks like a fucking prat. Her words. And it's given me the total ick. Every time I see him in either or worse a combo of both, my vagina feels like it's shriveling up in response. My vagina feels like it's shriveling up in response. Before we jump into the show, we're very excited and honoured to tell you that we are currently part of Spotlight. Spotlight is a project from Apple Podcasts which highlights a creator or creative team every couple of months.

And they have chosen us for the month of September. Apple's editorial team believe that you will want to be spending a lot more time with us and we definitely want to be spending a lot more time with you. So they kindly put us together. Thank you, Apple Podcasts. We really hope you enjoy this new show and we hope you stick around to talk about all things 40ish. Welcome to 40ish. I'm Lauren Mishkon. And I'm Nicole Goodman.

This is the brand new podcast that navigates the challenges and absurdities of 40-something life and solves all your dilemmas. Well, we're going to attempt to. In the coming weeks, we're going to discuss your problems, issues and rants that you've kindly shared with us and also divulge our own stories about the mess of navigating midlife. Basically, it's to make us all feel better together and so that none of us feel weird or worse about the mundane chaos that is middle age. So how are you this week, Nicole?

How am I? Well, we've been very busy in the setup of this show, haven't we? Oh my god, it takes... You may think you just like go in a room, chat, there's your podcast. It's not quite that simple. It's not. No. Well, we want you to think it's that simple because we want your listener experience to be that simple. You just press a button and here it is.

Yeah. But behind the scenes. There's a lot going on. Shit goes on. And I just had such a 40-ish moment when you and i were trying to set up our new email i mean it wasn't the smoothest of mornings hello at 40-ish.co.uk in case you were wondering yeah in case you want to write in and tell us stuff or share stuff with us so we sort of battled through for most of the morning my highlight was well firstly I was

completely incapable of doing anything I mean literally everything we touched it's it was going really well wasn't it we set it all up on gmail and we did a business account and it was all going well and I said to you wow this has been smooth well then it all fell apart that was like the wrong thing to say you cursed it I did curse it. Yeah, I did. I didn't mean to, but I did. You did. Because then what we had to do was we had to hook it up to our domain. Yeah.

To the server. Yeah. And then I had a glimmer where I suddenly actually figured out how to do stuff. It was like a very focused five minutes. And I did all this really complex stuff that if you asked me now, could never ever do it again. It was like join the MX up to this and then do this type thing and then do the setting and then horrendous and then we do it automatically but we chose not to do it automatically we chose we hit the manual button yeah i don't

know why we hit the manual button because then we were knee deep in a whole host of tech shit and roundabouts and nonsense. And we kept coming back on ourselves. And I was just like, you know what? I just want to sit down and eat my salad. I'm fucking hungry. And this is bollocks. And then it got to the awful point where I think this was how stressed we were

when you said to me, what shall I type in for our name? I don't know, maybe Lauren and Nicole?le well we weren't getting every time i filled in the forms this is in my defense every time i we filled in the forms it kept saying that it wasn't registering so we had to go back to the form yeah and after about four times it said name yeah i started to lose the will to live so i said to to you, what should I tell you? I didn't want to get it wrong. Then your hairdresser came. And so while you're sitting there with like foils in,

getting your greys covered, we're still trying to set up our social media accounts. And then he was trying to be very polite. He was really professional, wasn't he? But then he just kept giving me the side eye and then he kind of couldn't help but say to me

you are fucking useless like he was like you i think you need to stop doing that yeah and then after an hour of listening to us go back and forth attempting to set up facebook tiktok instagram youtube all of which by the way listeners you can go and follow us on 40ish.podcast that's the one yeah he said you you do realize that you probably could have paid a 16 year old 50 quid and he would have done it in half an hour and i just thought yeah he's right we should have and could have done that right we in terms of the socials yeah when you say we yeah you use that as if it was a real we, joint, dual, partnership experience. I do, yeah.

Because that makes me feel better about my life. I will say that when it came to the email, it was. Because you, when I was away. I did techie shit. Techie shit. You bought the domain. I did that. But when you texted me, when i was on holiday i was lying on

the beach in the south of france having a very nice time my family my kids were in the sea they were happy and i was lying on the sand and i got your text and it said and i actually thought fuck oh my god that is so rude i was like trying to rude but fair no i was trying to do us a favor you were doing a solid did i write back fuck no what did i write back well done and thank you yeah i must have said did i say thank you probably i mean i wasn't feeling grateful i was feeling nervous i'll be honest because if you don't know me and lauren from our other show self-care club i'm technically backward she she is not head of tech in our little company i am definitely head of tech yeah and a lot of the time when lauren touches tech it goes to pieces and when i say pieces i'm going to give you an example.

Last year, exactly last year, because I was on holiday again, it sounds like I'm on holiday loads, it's just in the summer, Lauren wanted to surprise me. Now, this was very sweet. She wanted to surprise me with, you know, that blue verified tick on Instagram. She wanted us to get the blue verified tick on Instagram. So she wanted to do it

as a little gift. Yeah. Look what I've done for us whilst you're away. This is on our old podcast. Our other podcast. This is for Self Care Club. Yeah.

In the meantime, I woke up one morning and I had been locked out of everything. Everything. Everything that involved the podcast. I was locked out of TikTok,

Instagram, YouTube. Literally, I just, i was locked out of tiktok instagram youtube literally i just i was locked out yeah so i thought we'd been hacked so i then messaged lauren and here's another tip for you if you don't know lauren that well when you send lauren a text in the morning i might not reply for a few hours it normally takes two hours for you to reply yeah which i find annoying because i get up at six o'clock. I don't. And I'm ready to go at six o'clock. I'm not. Six oh one, I'm like, I'm good to go.

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. I have told you many times, like, don't communicate with me basically before nine-ish because I just don't want to hear from you or anyone. Not just you. It stretches beyond nine-ish. Sometimes. A lot.

Especially in the summer holidays. Oh, yeah. So I'm locked out. I stretches beyond nine-ish. Sometimes. A lot, especially in the summer holidays. Oh, yeah. So I'm locked out. I'm stressed. So I message her. I'm locked out of everything. I'm also an hour ahead of you because I'm in Spain. Don't hear anything.

Don't hear anything. Don't hear anything until midday, one o'clock. And I'm really worried and I'm trying to log back in. Cannot get near. It's like a firewall has been built around all of our social media this is before the days we had a social media manager you eventually get back to me oh oh i was i was trying to do something as a surprise so i can just feel this panic what were you trying to do? I was trying to get us

verified. Right, what did you touch? What did you move? What did you I think I've put in a two step verification program Is that what I did? I don't remember Yeah, okay, I was like okay, great great, what's the code? Code? Question mark

There was no code nothing written down nothing, also because Lauren doesn't really post very much on social media because I'm the social media manager well up until unofficial yeah so everything was just down wasn't it and it took a good 24 hours I don't really remember this but that doesn't matter cuz I don't remember many many things but I did manage to do basically the same thing yesterday because for whatever reason and god help her but my best friend is even worse at social media than me I mean she is literally she looks to you as she looks to me as like a guru she's like you're good on Instagram like no I'm not she's like yeah you are please take over my Instagram so she gave me like the login to her Instagram and she wanted me to run it.

That is like asking the blind to lead the blind. So I've got so fed up with her Instagram account that I decided to not be in charge of it anymore. So I decided to demote myself from her social media manager because I can't manage my own. And I deleted it from Instagram. But what I actually did was deleted self-care club, my own personal one and my cooking account. I deleted all three of my accounts

and only had hers left. I deleted the others. It was really fucking special. I blew myself out. Lauren turns up to my house and she's like deadpan deadpan she says to me

I think I've been hacked it's like and after like fiddling around after a couple of minutes she's like oh no I haven't been hacked I think I just deleted everything by mistake it's like you know what just don't touch the social media just leave it alone i deleted everything except the one that i

was trying to delete so my only social media account was my best friend's social media account and she's a doctor and it's like really serious doctory stuff and she's leaving me. It's like numpty. The only thing I can navigate is fucking Facebook. That is it. That is it. She's like, Facebook are my people. They are. They are my people. Just before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We're not doctors or healthcare professionals. This is a fun space where we share our thoughts.

Which could be totally wrong. So if there is an issue that you are seriously struggling with please contact a qualified expert. Let's get started. Okay let's hear from our first question from our listener. Okay Nicole here it is. Dying of embarrassment at how gross I am. I'm 47. Oh she she's the same age as you. And recently started seeing someone. And we're in a bit of a love bubble. For all you know, this could be me. Is it? Have you recently started seeing someone apart from your husband? I've been married for 17 years. It's not you. We're in a bit of a love bubble. That nice bit where you're both still on best behavior. Do you remember that? that nice bit where you're both still on best behaviour.

Do you remember that? Vaguely. Yesterday, I popped out and I left him at my house when my online shopping came. When I came back, he said that he'd unpacked it for me. Bloody hell, he's clearly on best behaviour. That is definitely the early signs of relationship. You know when they pick you up from the airport and they say that that's when you can tell

that someone's just started seeing somebody. Totally. First year of of relationship. You know when they pick you up from the airport and they say that that's when you can tell that someone's just started seeing somebody. Totally. First year of a relationship. I reckon online shopping accounts for that too. This morning, 7.30am, the doorbell rings. I'm actually still in bed and I get a scream from my husband downstairs. Why are you still in bed at half past seven?

I don't understand that. Because I was having a line and I get this scream from downstairs. Ocado's here! Like, that was not like... Oh, your bark. Your bark bark get up and come and unload the that was how my husband woke me up like to inform me the online shopping was here like not as in like i'll bring it in and i'll unpack it for you if he's lying in bed at half past seven and a

car arrives do you bark up the stairs a cardo's here would i even tell him that a cardo was here no would he even know no The fridge would just be full. Like the fucking shopping fairies came anyway. Right. Well, the shopping fairies do come. Yeah, they do. So she says, my initial thought was that it was such a cute gesture that he'd unpack the online shop. It is a cute gesture.

She would be correct. Until, with absolute horror, I suddenly remembered that as well as the usual eggs, pasta and tinned tomatoes, I had ordered facial hair removal cream, fungal toenail medication and hemorrhoid suppositories, all of which he had unpacked and placed in the bathroom. No, he hadn't. No, he hadn't. No, he hadn't. No, he hadn't. No, he hadn't. I purposely buy this stuff online because I'm too embarrassed to do it in the chemists in person. I wanted to die on the spot.

Oh my God. I want to die for her. I totally understand what she means about buying these things in person. Because how do you walk into a chemist? Your chemist is tiny and really personal. It's not like a boots i've been in your care it's an independent chemist it's a lovely small and everyone knows everyone and it's like part of the village so they've still got this like piece of clear plastic up by the tills like in the covid days right so you have to sometimes when you ask for something you have to repeat it because they can't always hear you and i've often thought i don't know why i've often thought this because i don't actually suffer with hemorrhoids i don't know why i need to put that disclaimer up front but i don't but

i have often thought currently currently that might be next year who knows it could be if i need to ask for hemorrhoid cream yeah how would i go about that i would say you ask by brand although is that worse because do you want to say the word tell me one brand anusol do you want to say that hold on hold on it's called hold the phone how do you know that everyone knows that i don't know that there's another one it's called preparation h that's just like generic knowledge no it's not oh my god it really no it's generic knowledge if you suffer with hemorrhoids look thank god thank god even after three children and pregnancy is a and childbirth and definitely post childbirth is your classic quintessential time for the old hemorrhoids it's not a thing that that has um quintessential time for hemorrhoids that's the best sentence i've ever heard it's

not something that has yet um but how do you know about the brand i'm very very very well versed on medication i thought you were gonna say i'm very very well read and also i was dealing with like women giving birth for 16 years. Oh, that's fair. I've seen a lot of hemorrhoids up close and personal. Well, I'm just saying pre this conversation, I didn't know what the brands were called. I'm not up on those kinds of things because I have a background in hairdressing and beauty. Not a lot of bum grapes in hairdressing.

Not really. No. So how do you go about asking for hemorrhoid cream? I think it's easier in a very anonymous large boots than it is in your small local chemist shop. I don't think it is because in the large boots near me in this big shopping centre called Brent Cross, it's the most enormous boot.

It's very, very hot in there. Don't say that it's my age it is actually very hot and whoever i'm with i always say is it hot in here like i don't trust my own thermal temperature it's a warm shop you couldn't go in there are cues everywhere in this shop you are surrounded by people so then what are you going to do say hello i need some hemorrhoid cream anyway my point is i understand why she buys it online so she finishes her email by saying i couldn't look at him all evening and we didn't have sex last night because now he knows that i'm a disgusting perimenopausal troll woman do i just address it or do i pretend it never happened? Firstly, please don't call yourself a troll woman

because that is not kind. A perimenopausal troll woman. No, that's not kind. I do understand if you've got this brand new boyfriend and he is unpacking fungal toenail medication, facial hair remover and hemorrhoid cream. That's not sexy. My question is, does she have children

and could she blame it on them? The fungal toenails maybe the hemorrhoids and facial hair removal cream probably not yes you can you have boys i have girls you can totally not the hemorrhoid thing i'm just putting that disclaimer out there again you are very hung up on this you feel like that's the worst i feel like the fungal toenail medication is the worst of those things but he must have seen her feet if they're having an intimate relationship i don't think that at the beginning of the relationship you see john's feet men are looking at the feet i always look at feet i do too but that's because we're women but i don't think the men are busy looking at the feet they're looking at the tits and the minge let's be honest no i don't agree i think a nice pair of feet is

imperative actually to us because we're women and we have that nice No, I don't agree. I think a nice pair of feet is imperative actually. To us, because we're women and we have that nice aesthetic. The men don't care. And also, if she's got a shellac on her toes, then he might not see the fungal toe. Can you have shellac if you've got a fungal toenail problem? Sometimes the shellac is the thing to cause the fungal toe problem. See, to me, that is worse than the hemorrhoids. The thing is, he must have seen the hemorrhoids he must have seen those what sorry he can't have avoided

when was the last time your husband looked up your arsehole when you don't have to look up up the bum hole but, if you're down there doing stuff, you would see them. You've clearly never seen one, have you? Have you ever seen one in real life? I don't think so. Okay, I've seen many, many, many, many. But even if Adam had one, why would I see it? I mean, why would, no.

Why would you see it? Yeah, how big are they they I thought they were little they're like sometimes they're like a fucking bunch of grapes are they yes yes

maybe hers aren't like a bunch of grapes let's assume they're not some people have to have surgery for them but she she doesn't

because she's buying cream off a cardo she doesn't need surgery okay all she needs to know is what the hell is she gonna do with this brand new hot boyfriend that she's having hot sex with and suddenly they didn't have sex i would say she doesn't actually say if he's hot or if they're having hot sex. She didn't say either of those things. You've totally assumed that. He might be very average and mother sex might be too.

Well, she said that they didn't have sex that night. My feeling is the reason they didn't have sex that night is coming from her, probably not from him. Because she feels like a disgusting perimenopausal troll woman. I understand. Anyway, the hemorrhoids and the facial hair and the the fungal toe cream has got nothing to do with perimenopause it's like a triangle of off-putting items there isn't it listen is this anonymous of course it's anonymous would you give your name to this i gotta be honest

it doesn't look good it doesn't look good so It doesn't look good. So would you address it? No. No. No. And how do you open that conversation? Hi, Ben. I don't even think I... I don't know if you've noticed, Ben.

My minging... Bunch of grapes. Bunch of grapes and my minging toenails. Or my slight moustache. I'm not trying to dress up as Tom Selleck. And I'm trying to remove it. And I have to buy the cream. Tom Selleck.

Best moustache ever. You can't come up with a different, more updated reference of someone with a moustache. If I think moustache. Yeah. Magnum PI. No, I know, but I guess. Richard from from friends it's actually the same person it is but he actually shaved it off in friends he is for me did he shave off in friends uh no because chandler always goes on and on and on and on about ripping off his moustache punching him in the moustache he's so jealous of his thick beautiful

moustache you know as a woman you don't want to be proud of a thick, beautiful moustache. He is the only man on the planet that can get away and look hotter with a moustache. So let's just say in an imaginary world where you've got this triage of hell going on in your body and in your Ricardo shop, what are you going to say? Listen, I've got to be honest. After Adam and I have been together 20 years, I don't think I'd want him to see me buy hemorrhoid cream. I don't.

And I don't think I'd want him to know about my bunch of grapes. I just don't. Listen, I'm really sorry to tell you, but he would be aware. Would he? If you had the roids, yeah. The roids. But also this guy guy but you're

saying this guy was aware that she doesn't need to be embarrassed about it i find it hard to to really maybe they're not terrible would i know if i had one yeah you'd know okay you'd know yeah you you i feel like you need to do a bit of research on this it could happen to you and i think you'd get a bit of a fright. My friend, after she had a baby, she was in the bath and she was giving herself a good wash and she found one and she said she screamed the house down

because she did not know what was wrong. She was like, I was washing my bum and then suddenly they were like- Is it the size of a grape then? Sometimes they can be. She's like, she freaked out because she'd never had them before, didn't know what it was.

Obviously it was from pushing out a nearly 10 pound baby but um and no one tells you about that they should put that in the nct classes they probably should but who wants to if they told you half that stuff you'd never get pregnant or give birth or raise a child yeah but you know about it and then you go and have another one they sat you in a room with a couple of teenagers for a day and you had to like deal with them and all of their crap you'd never have children what i'd do with your teenagers your teenagers all right mine are a different story just saying you wouldn't it's not like anyway i can't answer this for her my own personal opinion what was her question should she tell address it or should i pretend it never happened? Listen, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable about it because it obviously stopped them from having sex.

So that's not good in a new relationship. So what should she do? I don't know how you would bring up that subject. By the way, you know, the fungal cream and the facial hair removing cream and the hemorrhoid cream that you saw. Well, it was all for a friend. Oh, wow, just not. Like when I had cigarettes in my handbag when I was 15, and my mum found them, and I said,

they're not mine, they're my friends. Yeah. They're my friends. And then she automatically hates your friend every time they come round. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, gosh, she's a bad influence. Yeah, yeah, she really is. I would totally and utterly gloss over it,

pretend it never happened. I think there are two kinds of women. They're the ones who are like, I am waxing my bikini line today, either be in the bedroom watching me or don't, but like it's all out in the open. Or there are those women who anything they do to beautify themselves or stop looking like trolls,

they hide from their partners. I am the hider, but I have friends who are very open maybe because they're at the beginning of this relationship it's like a nice opportunity to just be herself she's 47 right she's not 22 she's a grown woman he might be 22 she didn't say she didn't specify if he's 22 he's with a mustache i mean he might be young because he is unpacking the shopping he sounds like a modern man. He might run for the fucking hills.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Anonymous. He might. He's already seen it and he hasn't run for the hills. He's already seen it. And not only has he seen it, he's put it in. He's put it away. He put it in the right room.

Adam would be like, I don't know why you want this. If it was Ollie, just leave it in the hallway. Yeah. So it wouldn't even be unpacked. Yeah. I don't know why you want this. If it was Ollie, just leave it in the hallway. Yeah. So it wouldn't even be unpacked. Yeah. I don't know. I can't help her. I'm just sorry.

The guy's a keeper because A, he unloads your shopping. He's a keeper. Yeah, that's true. And B, he hasn't said anything. Yet. But I do think he could use it as collateral in a future argument. You know what I mean? Oh, that's low.

It's a low blow, but it's a possibility. Listen, I've been putting up with you and your grapes for months. You can fuck off you and your fungal toenail. Y'all afraid of ghosts? How about ghost peppers?

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My husband is giving me the total ick. Oh, desperate to hear this. You want to hear this? Yeah. Hi girls, my husband who is 42 has got in with a new group of dads from our kids' school. Nice. They're a bit younger than us and quite hipster. Oh, do you think they might live in East London?

Where the hipster dads live? Well, do hipster dads live in North London where we live? No. No? No. I don't know. There's a few hipster dads at my kids' school. I'd say they're more like wannabe hipster dads,

but like the true mustachioed. How do you know? You're not at my kid's school. There is one dad who's more than hipster. Did he used to be in a band? Maybe. Oh, that was a guess, was it? Yeah.

No, he did. He did used to be in a band. I fucking knew it. I'm not saying what band. Okay. Obviously, I have to ask you after the show which band anyway continue so i think to feel like he fits in with them he's gone out and bought some short-sleeved patterned shirts and a hat the sort justin timberlake wore in n singh oh god oh my god

he looks like a pratt her words and it's given me the total ick yeah every time i see him in in either or worse a combo of both my vagina feels like it's shriveling up in response what should i do leave him burn it give it to oxfam say the dog ate it any of those are appropriate any all of those. You've had a similar issue this week, haven't you? I have. But can I just say, before I tell you about my issue, I totally feel you. Short-sleeved shirts. That's right.

Excuse me. No. No. You like a man in a short-sleeved shirt. I'm not having that. I'm not having that. My husband's holiday wardrobe involves a lot of short sleeve shirts i can't stand them i can't stand them they are literally when she says my vagina shriveled up

i totally what are they supposed to wear on holiday a t-shirt man a t-shirt why can't they wear a short sleeve shirt i just hate them i can't explain to you why i hate them my husband used to wear them years ago and i feel her. They gave me the fucking it. I don't think it's the short sleeve shirt that's giving me the ick. I think it's the hat. The combo of both. How do you feel about a man in a hat? Yeah, I feel all right about it.

Are you serious? Like a Trilby hat? Like a Justin Timberlake NSYNC pop boy hat? You know, when it's something like whatever his name was in Peaky Blinders I'm like yeah I'm okay with that. That's different. Like a baker boy cap. Would you like Adam

in a baker boy cap? Adam actually is a very good looking man but he doesn't suit hats. He also doesn't suit sunglasses. He thinks he does but he doesn't. Bless him

because wherever we go he tries on a pair of sunglasses he's always trying to find the right pair and they never work is that just the shape of his head or the sunglasses I don't know what it is I think it's like the distance between his eyes or something because he is a good looking guy

but he just can't wear sunglasses and then what happens is every pair this is the weirdest thing about me little secret every single solitary pair of sunglasses in the whole world suits me you should have that as your Instagram bio I think that is quite something but not whole world suits me you should have that as your instagram bio i think that is

quite something but not one hat suits me not one not one i actually look fucking great in a hat but i don't wear them so you should i can see you rocking hats i don't want to i'm sorry i just feel like hats are very attention seeking and i'm not into them and i cannot deal with a man in a hat apart from a baseball cap for sport which is fine or to shield you from the sun

fine oh so for practical reasons you're okay with it practical purposes fine don't burn your head but a pork pie hat

ick a baker boy cap pretentious I can't I can't stand them I can't abide them you are triggered my friend

triggered the thought of a husband in a combine any husband or your husband any husband I can't stand them. I can't abide them. You are triggered, my friend. Oh my God. Triggered. The thought of a husband in a combo. Any husband or your husband. Any husband in a short sleeve shirt hat combo. So what would you do? What would you do if Ollie, because Ollie does also have younger mates, doesn't he? He does come home with some younger mates all of a sudden. Ollie's in his mid fifties, right?

He is, yeah. So if he started to dress like them and bought a hat, what would you do? You wouldn't be very nice about it. I know exactly what you would do. I would have to speak my mind. I'm sorry. Tell everybody what you did yesterday with poor Ollie. Everyone's going to be like, poor Ollie.

Now, let me tell you something. I'm a big fan of Ollie. I'm very fond of your husband, Ollie. And a lot of the time I'm on your side. But this time I just felt like, no. No, I am team Ollie. For the record, I'm also a fan of Ollie. We have been together like 27 years and we share three children.

So I'm a fan of his. I'm also a fan of his beard. He's a man with a beard. You and I, we like a bearded man. We're down with that. We do. My husband is also a bearded man. Right.

My husband's a bearded man right my husband's a bearded man until yesterday morning he came out of the bathroom and shockingly had clean shaven himself it's not that shocking but okay i was very sad and unhappy you weren't sad at all and cross crosses more like what have you done he said i just fancied a change i said no no great back great back immediately and then he tried to have a normal conversation with me and i hid under a towel in the bathroom because i couldn't look at him because i was so freaked out by the the the all the face there was so much face oh paul he's got a nice face it's not the i just love the beard it's listen distressed me i hate it when adam shaves

his beard off because i don't like kissing a smooth face me neither i don't like that but i can but you weren't very nice about it so this morning i was like listen we need to have a talk is this just for the week are you growing it back is this a summer look or is this a more permanent situation because i need i need the tncs on the facial hair thing where are we with that and then what did he say what did he say he said he wasn't committing he just felt a that he fancied looking a bit clean shaven because he felt the beard was sometimes a bit messy which it isn't it's stubbly it's not really a beard. And also he said, I think it makes me look younger. It makes everyone look younger. And I was like, no, just no, no, no, all of the above. And then last night, shockingly, he comes home from his tennis club. He's like, I'm bringing my mate home for dinner because I've got a match with him at 8.30.

So we're going to come home and eat and then we're going to go and play tennis. And on the one day where he's shaved himself clean. And you hate it. And I hate it. In through my door walks a very young, very tall, very handsome, very bearded. Oh, he's bearded as well.

Man from the Czech Republic. Essentially, Djokovic has just walked into my kitchen. Nice. And he's the number one seed at the tennis club, isn't he? Yeah. So it could have been Djokovic. And he was like, hi, nice to meet you. And I was like, hi.

Hi. And he shook my hand. He shook my hand. He was very young. very young anyway we had dinner that's not all that was shook was it lauren wow you know it was it was a thing and uh so then i get a message from lauren at about half past eight obviously they'd gone to play their tennis match yeah in fact i'm going to read out what you messaged me you better not why it's Well, what happened was that you'd told me that he was bringing someone for dinner. Yeah. And you were a bit annoyed because he sprung it on you at 3pm.

Yeah. So you were like, well, now I have to make a proper dinner. Yeah. And it's like boiling, boiling, boiling hot. So no one really wants to be standing at the stove. Obviously, I'm going to feed everybody, but you know. It was 8.23. So they'd obviously just left.

Yeah. Okay, you say. Number one, very hot, full stop. No joke, full stop. Very tall, full stop. Bearded, check. Number two, into older women. Hashtag watch out.

hashtag watch out. Then on a second message, 32, banker, single. I wrote back, are you trying to set me up with him? Bearing in mind, for those of you that don't know me, I've been married for 17 years.

I said, because it kind of sounds like you are. And then when we got into bed later last night, I said to him, you know what? That was a ballsy move on your part. That takes a man with confidence and big cojones to shave your face smooth, knowing how much I don't like it. And then bring into my kitchen this like bearded, hot tennis star. Another very possible option. What was that?

And he was like, oh, do you think he's good looking? I was like, um... I love it when they do that. I love it when they do that. Oh, I hadn't noticed. Oh, did you think he's good? I was like, um...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he is. Good for Ollie. And he was like... Maybe he did it just to get you back for the whole beard thing

it was a it was a yeah i what was that anyway that's what's going on nicole that is what's going on so i would say to this listener oh my gosh the listener i'd forgotten about her and i really feel for her and i actually feel like just serve him divorce papers because what you would do is you would tell him i would say in a really mean crossway if you ever ever ever want to have sex with me again take your short sleeve shirts and your hats and drive them to the local charity shop or leave with them in a suitcase those are your options i would say yeah remember the man you married and he still exists

under the hat and under the shirts come on if Adam wore something awful that gave you the real it right okay

what's the worst thing he wears he has got a pair of shoes right they look I think they might even be

adidas or there's some like that Japanese make I can't remember and they don't have a back on them so they look like a mule

a backless mule you don't say backless mule as a mule backless yes so it's like a backless ballet pump they are what color are they barely matters but what colour are they? They're white. He wears a mule trainer. Hold on, I haven't finished. They're like a canvas material. Okay, so like a backless, like a mule converse. Yeah, but slightly lighter than a converse, and there's no laces.

And so what he would do is he would wear them like if he was going swimming. Is it like if you have a pair of espadrilles and you flatten the back? It's not like anything you've ever seen. They are so, so, so awful. Where the fuck did they come from? And then, as I just mentioned,

we've just been on holiday and we went to the South of France and it's really lovely there. And we were going out for an adult's meal with our friends and all kids were just being left at home. Adult meal. That sounds like a key swapping party.

No, no, it was just a meal, Lauren. Just an actual, as in our kids didn't come with us right yeah they were all staying back at the back at the flat and it was a really gorgeous place and a really gorgeous setting and i put on a dress and i put on makeup and i blowed on my hair and i just made a real effort and he as we were leaving put on those shoes and i said no what what are you doing yeah no yeah no okay did it give you ick every time you looked down under the table? I hate those trainers.

Why don't you... What I would do... They're not even trainers. I don't even know what they are. Horrors. Horrors. Put one very near the dog's toy basket. In the hope that she'll chew it up.

My dog is perfect and she doesn't chew anything. You know that. Maybe she'll shit on it. She does do that. Yeah. That she does do. Just put it in harm's way. Put the shoes in harm's way.

You know what? I would just be open with your husband, but also, like, does it really matter? But maybe it's these new friends he's keeping, these new hipster dads, and he just wants to really fit in with them,

and so he's trying to dress like them. Which is sweet, but also a bit tragic. which is sweet but also a bit tragic so that's our show on 40 ish thank you so much for listening if you want to be in touch and we would love you to be with your dilemmas your rants your problems your has your husband ever given you the ick have you had to hide fungal toenail medication from a new boyfriend please we want all the dirt we want to hear it all you can contact us hello at 40 ish that's four zero ish dot co dot uk or you can hit us up on our socials at 40 ish dot podcast very good thanks so much she did that

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