40ish - More Menopause Symptoms, Tarty Shoes and the Toddler Turd

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

This week on 40ish: Lauren has put her neck out by sleeping on the wrong pillow, which feels deeply unfair considering that in our twenties we could sleep on a laminate floor and wake up absolutely fine. Meanwhile, Nicole has discovered a brand new menopause symptom because apparently the gift that keeps on giving… keeps on giving. In Midlife News, Damian Lewis has released a music video while Nicole Kidman has trained as a death doula because because apparently celebrities are now speedrunning midlife reinventions We also tackle a listener dilemma around self care: are people genuinely moisturising their entire bodies every single day? Are we all double cleansing, gua sha-ing and serum layering while some of us are still clinging proudly to a Pears soap and flannel routine? Plus, one truly unforgettable listener meltdown featuring a forgotten bag of toddler turd that unknowingly accompanied an entire afternoon of errands. Some images simply never leave you.Come for the laughs, stay for the solidarity, and leave feeling reassured that absolutely nobody has midlife fully figured out.Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/40ish-navigating-midlife-and-menopause--6942825/support.We love to hear from you! Get in touch with your dilemmas and rants.DM & follow us on Instagram   TikTokOrder Our Book here

Anne, I wish you and your nunny, best of luck. How many people go to work and say that sentence? It's so few. It's so few. What a shame. We've made a whole podcast on the back of this. It's called Self Care Club. I think she knows that, which is probably why she's saying you're the people like her.

I know. But she needs to listen to the show. That's like 700 episodes she's got to get through. Right, well, hurry up. You better start now and start. What I would suggest is you get on with that shit. There is something about women. It's just around a table all screaming at each other.

I find desperately relaxing. So does John Han. I think that's why you're so chemically compatible. John Han. Because like on a cellular level, I think you just resonate at the same energy. So everybody, welcome to 40-ish. I'm Nicole Goodman.

And I'm Lauren Mishkon. This is the podcast where we've said it again. I've done it again. Podquast. Do you know why I've done it? Because I'm thinking I mustn't forget to tell you. Yeah. that a listener emailed us.

Vicky. I put it in the feedback. Well, we're here now. Hi, Vicki. She emailed to say, hi Vicki, that she has a new term instead of Crone Energy or Crone era. It has to be called Quasi Energy. Which is she's absolutely bang on. Bang on, Vicky.

So thank you for the reinvention of Quincey Energy. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I got called a crone yesterday. Did you now? Yeah. Cronies. Oh, you're with your old cronies.

They said. That was the term. And I went to go into the whole crone energy thing, but no one gives a fuck. So I didn't. Next time you could. I actually stopped myself. And I just thought, you know what? It's not okay to be called a crone.

Not okay. No, but now you can say, excuse me. It's actually... I give quasi energy. Oh, you're with all your old, what? Quazas. Quasers. Yeah, quazers.

Why not? All right. I'll see how that lands. You know what I mean? I'll see how it lands. Anyway. Thank you, Vicky. We are definitely stealing it.

We're taking it. We're running with it. This is the podcast where we tackle the chaos of 40-something life, diving into everything, Midlife, News, Stories, Dilemmas, and bringing our own delights and delictations of navigating Midlife. Wow. Look at you with the tongue twisters. Ha!

You've obviously taken your new tropic coffee today. Nope, just normal coffee. Yep. Back on the caffeine. Maybe it's these toothpicks. are these weird toothpicks. James just gave us toothpicks. They're called new tonic, neotropic toothpicks.

Yeah. Newtropics. They're wooden toothpicks with neutropics in them. But to be honest, they're just splintery, weird. I can't open it. No, you can't open them. Anyway, please don't forget. You can subscribe to this show on Apple Podcasts

for early access, ad-free listening across this show and Self-Care Club and bonus content. And you can watch this video on the old YouTube. Yep. And you can join 28 other people watching it. To be exact. And if you've got something to share big or small, we do want to hear it.

So please do email us, hello at 40ish.com.com. Okay, please be in touch. Please can be part of the conversation. We absolutely love hearing from you. And the last piece of housekeeping, please. If you love 40-ish, we need you to do two very important things. We need you to subscribe. Yeah.

Hit follow, hit subscribe, wherever you are. listening and please share it with a friend, someone who you think would love this podcast to. What is your most 40-ish moment of the week, Mrs. N. Goodman? I have got a new menopausal symptom. Oh, wow. I know. I mean, who knew? There could be more.

There are more. Please share with the group. It's never ending. Now, I feel like I'm going to tell you and you're going to go, that's not a thing and that's not possible. I'm telling you it has happened to me. Listen, after my weird top of the foot, Bernie thing, I believe anything is possible. Do you?

Yeah. Okay, are you ready? Ready? Here we go. And you know what? I don't think it's in the list of menopausal things, but it seems to be here since I've had a hysterectomy and I'm officially menopausal.

So I'm telling you it's a thing. Yep. My hairline has changed. Interesting. In what way? Like my hair does not fall how it used to fall at the hairline. How has it changed? Well, it used to just do what I told it to do

Right. Now it doesn't. Now it like splits weirdly. It's gone quite frizzy here, not here And it's like the partings change, like it's all different. And then have you noticed I've got a clip in it? I have noticed. Because I then thought it's because it needs to trim. So I cut like a little sort of very long, fringy thing. And I have fucked it up. So royally, I now can't wear it not like this. I actually think I do know what this is and I don't think it is a menopausal thing I think it is a testosterone thing because... I'm not taking testosterone.

I thought you were. No, I took it twice, I didn't like it. I didn't like it. I got really moody that day. I took it well, I was really moody. Remember that day I was really moody? And then you said somewhere... You were really horrible.

I was horrible. You said somewhere in the ether. I bet it's the testosterone and now I'm too scared to take it again. No, because I saw a friend on the weekend. and she is taking it. She absolutely loves it, but she said... What does she love?

She just said she... She said she has... She's happy to have sex again. No, she said she has really good sex dreams that she didn't have before that have now returned and she said it's worth it just for the sex dreams. I was like, that is very interesting. Because it wakes your libido up, but...

Yeah, and generally that. And she said also she just feels like really with it on top of it, in control, lots of energy. But she did say it was doing weird things. things to her hair. And she said, you know, after you have a baby, when you get the little, like, duckling, fluffy bits at the front. Because you shed, because you lose a lot of hair. She said the front of her hairline was changing, well, changing and doing funny things because of the testosterone. So there you go. I'm not taking testosterone. Oh, then it's not that.

So then maybe you're right? Well, I don't, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't need it. I've always done one thing with my hair. It's always worked and now it doesn't work. And now it doesn't work and I'm a hairdresser so I can deal with that shit and I'm telling you like my hairline is like weird so this is my new menopausal thing I have a weird hairline that won't do what I tell it to do what's that about I'm waiting to see the the fringe thing I bet it's absolutely fine no no no well how long are we wearing the clip for until it grows out oh okay what do you mean because I bet it's completely fine and normal no well it's like here it sits like here which is like just halfway down like where my cheekbones sort of end yeah

And actually, when I let it go, it just makes my hair look immensely mumsy. And you know what? I don't want to look mumsy. No, I know you don't. Well, nobody does. Nobody goes out into the world thinking, right, today, the look I'm going for is mumsy, like nobody. And there's no, like, influencer on Instagram, like a fashion influencer who's, like, 50 plus, like killing the mumsy look. They're not doing that.

Do you know what? Maybe there's a gap in the market there. Oh, me and my fringe will get right on that. I think I could really fill that gap. You're not mumsy. I'm wearing a cardigan today. But you're not mumsy. But I could fill that gap so easily.

Would you? Yeah, I could. That means you'd have to like make content. Mumsy content. What mumsy content? You know what you could be? My whole life is mumsy content to be honest. Someone has to do anything different.

Literally nothing different. Like, go on what would be your first reel? Sorry about my magic mix. Probably. No, but no, but we're doing. Like, no, is it a style? You're a fashion influencer. Oh, my mumsy, just fashion.

You're a mumsy fashion influencer. I would wear some sort of trousers that were not a barrel leg, but also not a wide leg, just sort of a straight leg trouser and then some socks. And then I would like do a get ready with me as I try on my new pair of sketches, but the ones that you put on without touching them. You know the ones for the really middle-aged people, where you just push your foot in? the ones that don't have laces. I don't know if they have laces or not,

but the whole point of them is if you can't really bend down or bend over, you can just slide your foot into the... Oh, you've already got your sponsor. Yeah, great. And that will be my look. Right. But also there'll be a nice... With the cardigan.

Yeah, and also in real mumsy gap between the bottom of the trouser and the sketches with the wrong kind of socks showing. In fact, maybe it'll be a pop sock. Oh, well, it would have to be a pop sock. Yeah. So I reckon I could kill that look really, really easy. I certainly could. I could. I totally could. I'm feeling very deeply 40-ish today with my ailments and accidents.

My back is so bad. Oh my back. Oh, my back. No, my back. No, mine. No mine. No mine. First I slept on the wrong pillow. I woke up. How do you sleep on the wrong pillow anyway? Because we have, look, as we've previously mentioned, I followed the Soho House rule of seven pillows on the bed. but I only like to actually sleep on my temper pillow. So do I. Right. But then I had the cloud pillow, was the wrong pillow. I can't open these.

For God's sake, like a baby. The wrong pillow. And I woke up with neckache. And I said to Ollie, I swear, I swear when you're 20, 25, even 30, you can sleep on any pillow. Once you're like middle age, if you sleep on the wrong pillow, you're fucked. Yeah. And he said, look, when you're 20, you can sleep on the floor and you feel fine the next morning. So true.

God. So true. It's so right. So that was the first problem. Then we went... Can I just tell you what Lauren just did? Right? These little toothpick things,

I don't know why I want to chew one, but I do. So I can't open it. Please don't chew one while we're recording, because people will complain. No, okay, I won't. I won't, I won't. But then I threw it over to you for you to open it and then you closed it and then gave it back to me.

I can't roll it back open because then all the toothpicks will fall out. You understand. James will be cross. But what was the point in opening it? Just to show you that I can. Anyway, then we went for a walk. Such a mum.

I know. Then we went for a walk. We walked up this very, very steep bank, like really steep. I know you've told me. I haven't told the listeners. I put my hand out and I've heard it one too many times. Ollie pulled me up and I've jarred my whole back. Like it's really sore.

Is it spasming? Yeah, at the bottom. I feel so old. Never mind 40 yet. I feel about 108 today. What's wrong with your back? Really? Yeah, it's like a back support group.

No, I don't want to do a back support group. But before we came on to record, you were like, Oh, it's full of surprises today. And I'm like, what sort of, I don't want surprises. What sort of surprise? No, no, nothing to do with you. Don't worry. Like it was a whole big mystery.

Is this the surprise that we've got a back support group and a mumsy and a monsie and bloomsy. This is what we're doing. Brilliant. That's just brilliant. Brilliant. I'm glad I came to work today. I feel great.

My back is because, and I've actually been to the physio, my back is because I haven't been to the gym. I haven't been to the gym and I've been going to the gym. and I'm playing obsessive paddle. So I actually think I need to stop playing paddle. It's not good for me. I'm just going to leave that with you because I feel terrified of wading into that.

What would you like to say if you could? I wouldn't like to say anything. What I'd like to do is zip my mouth shut, put my handbag over my shoulder and leave the studio quietly and in one piece. No, I'd have to take it to my Marchon class tonight with no further interest. That's what I'd like.

That's not nice. Can I just tell you, with Marjean, you just sit down. You just sit down. You can't sit down. It hurts my body. Oh, I see. Okay. You only use your fingers and wrists.

You know, and the physio was like, look, there's nothing wrong with your back. I'm not worried about your back. She goes, but you're deconditioned. I'm like, okay, thank you. Wow, what a cuss. She did say at one point. I don't know why you come to me. As in, because she's always like, she's the physio who's always like, right, stand straight.

No, you're not straight. Right, walk, no, you're not walking right. Like, arm up, no, that's wrong. You see, you're crooked. Like, everything I do is wrong. Okay. And we did laugh. Sounds like being married.

We did laugh. It was funny. Oh, how we laughed. Oh, the fun you can have with your physio in your late 40s. Woo-hoo! We've had some feedback. Do you want to hear it? You're going to hear it anyway?

Like, is that even a question? Of course, I want to hear it. from Anne. She says, hello, lovely ladies, I'm catching up on Lawrence's use of the stationary bike on holiday. In brackets, hope Josh is recovering well. Thank you very much. That's very sweet, Anne. As a Brit living in the Netherlands, where cycling is the mode of transport, I quickly discovered that I am not built for sitting on a bike. I would get so annoyed when people say, oh, my bum hurts. No, it bloody doesn't. Bless you, it's not your bum. It is the nunny. You see, she's agreeing with me.

told repetition will toughen the area up. But no, no thank you. However, I do need to support my 10-year-old daughter with cycling proficiency test by riding the route with her to build confidence. So wish me luck. Anne, I wish you and your nunny the best of luck. How many people go to work and say that sentence?

That's so few. So few. What a shame for them. Alice says, hi, still listening on Catch Up. I tend to wait and then enjoy a massive big, Binge, listen. Oh, that is so cute. I do that with housewives.

Do you? I can't believe people are doing that with our show. You see, I prefer like a regular listen. Of course you do. Because then with a binge, I feel like then I've got nothing to look forward to after the binge. I know. You know what I mean?

It's tricky. Yeah, it is tricky. So then you don't get the full enjoyment. And also, how many hours could she listen to us for? I mean, I'm sick of us after like five minutes. That's not very nice. That's not very nice. You were listening to us this morning.

I was listening to us this morning. And then I called you. No, I was actually enjoying it. And then you were like, basically, he didn't want to speak to me. No, I was already listening. To your voice. Hello, hello.

It's double. I've got you in stereo. This is Alice. She says, I was absolutely cheering your menopause listener reply. It didn't feel shrill. It was necessary and essential.

As a previous podcast host where we also shared weekly a lot of ourselves, I know what it can feel like when you get feedback, but your response to the response was spot on. Further cheering here

and I often share you to friends as a must listen. Thanks, Alice. So much, Alice. I love our listeners. That's very, very kind. I hope our listeners are going to be in London because we're doing a live show. We're not 100% sure on dates, though.

We're hoping it's end of June, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. You're actually officially announcing this now. Well, no, not officially. You've broken the news. Wow. It's a reveal. It's not newsbreaking.

Yes, it is. It's not a first live show. I can take it out. No, leave it in. Just say you just said it very casually. Just threw it out there. Well, threw it out there like, do you want a cup of coffee? Yeah, sure.

There's no point keeping it a secret, is there? Well, then no one will come. No, we really... It's going to be in London. Listen, we really need people to come. Because if we are doing it to like... Jackie and my dad... Jackie's not coming.

Oh, maybe Jackie can come, actually. No, my dad's not coming. No, your dad's not coming. I'd be very embarrassed to do in front of your dad. You know, I saw my friend... We might need to get Jackie and my dad. I saw my friend and she said, I've become a fan of your show.

I listen all the time. It relaxes me. And she said, I was thinking, if you did a live show, I think you should have special guests. I'm like, who? She said, you have to have Jackie. No, we couldn't have Jackie. I said, I can't have Jackie. I can't.

You can't. No. You can't. No, you can't. But also, no, you can't. Because the thing about Jackie is, the comedy of Jackie is that she's very serious. She doesn't realize how funny she is. No, it's accidental partridge with Jackie.

That's the thing. So, yeah. And she's very straight. She's very straight. Yeah. I love your mom. I know. I love her too.

But she's not coming on stage. Before we dive into your dilemma as a quick disclaimer, we're not doctors or healthcare professionals. If there's an issue, you are seriously struggling with. Please contact a qualified expert. Briefly interrupting, just to remind you that please subscribe on whatever platform you're listening, and please do share 40-ish with a friend who you think will love it to.

Okay. What is our dilemma? Hi, ladies. This might sound a bit silly, but I feel you are the people I can ask. After seeing all the self-care routines on Instagram and TikTok, I've started wondering if my version of self-care is a bit basic. My mum was a wash-your-face with pears, soap and flannel ladies, so I wasn't brought up around all of this.

Now I'm questioning things like, am I actually doing enough? Like pedicures all year round and double cleansing, microblading, and gouache, and serums, and are we all moisturising our whole body regularly? No. I'm genuinely so curious what are your go-to self-care habits that you actually swear by nothing fancy, just real everyday things

thanks Nadia Nadia. We've made a whole podcast on the back of this. It's called Self-Care Club. I think she knows that, which is probably why she's saying you're the people I can ask. I know. But she needs to listen to the show. That's like 700 episodes she's got to get through. Right, well, hurry up.

We better start. What I would suggest is you, you get on with that shit? Have you ever used a guasha? Yes, so have you. Have I? Yes. Have I?

It's like, you know when we did the face rolling thing? It's the flat, like the flat sort of. Oh, the flat one. The flat one. No, I don't do that. Do you do that? I don't believe in guasher. When I see this woman on Instagram, they're like, look at this side of my face.

And then look at this side and you're like, fucking hell. You did that with a scrapy bit of plastic? Yeah. Such liars. They really are, aren't they? And then you're like, wow. And then you start looking in that there's like shop now. And then you press shop now and you're like 80 quid.

I don't think so or whatever it is. Also, why would Chris Jenner spend 100 grand on her face lift if she could just wipe a bit of plastic up her face once a day? Do you know what I mean? Plastic surgeons wouldn't exist if that sort of thing was true. No. And she's probably, this woman's probably about 20. Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're all like 20. Or is AI. Right, what do you do? What are your go-to self-care habits that you actually do? What do you actually do at night? Hello. No, she doesn't say at night. She doesn't say it at night.

Okay, what are your self-ca habits? She says, what are your self-ca habits? You actually swear by nothing facts. You just real everyday things. But she means beauty stuff, right? I don't think she does. Self-care routines? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Hello, do you understand what show we've done for the past however many years? I do, but I feel like... Self-care isn't beauty. But I feel she's asking about the beauty side of it. Well, she hasn't said that. Okay.

Do you want me to reread it? No. She said... I don't. What are your go-to self-care habits? You actually swear by? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean... Let me tell you something. I'm not... I'm going to answer for Lauren, and Lauren can answer for me. Should we do that? Yeah, let's do that. Lauren doesn't really believe in self-care. So after doing 700 episodes of self-care,

she has completed self-care and she has actually started at exactly the point when... No, she is exactly the same point as when she started. Which is basically that I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah. You don't do one more thing than you did six years ago. No, I don't.

No. That's correct. Which is basically not a lot. No. She'll walk the dog. Yes. She gets out in nature. Yes.

She'll see a friend. Yes. And that is pretty much it. And then she likes a little bit of telly and calm and quiet in her life. And reads. And reading. I don't finish the sentence. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what you do. And you were doing that before we had done 700 episodes. And cooking. Yeah. That's not really self-care. It's mindful. Yes, it is.

It's nurturing your body with healthy food. It's cooked from scratch every day. So, yeah, it is self-care. Okay. But, yeah. I'm in an aqua deficit, shall we say? We've taken that term from Devil Wears Prada too. But you're wearing...

I am drinking water today, but it's quite warm in here. But normally I'm in aqua deficit. I don't drink water. Just coffee and wine. Hmm. And... Is it? Yeah.

That's it, true, yeah. I mean, occasionally she takes her new tropics, but she's not taking them at the moment. She went through a phase of ashramaganda, but you know what? When she doesn't take them, she feels she doesn't need them,

so that's fine. Absolutely true. I tell you what I do. I tell you what I do do do religiously. I do have my nails done. I do have my Sherlock done every three weeks on my nails. That is like something that I do, and I believe in.

I have my hair cut twice a year. I have it coloured once a year. Yeah. Sometimes I take my makeup off. Sometimes I don't. I use vitamin C serum in the morning and I use a retinal at night. That's basically it.

I'd say that's it. Should I do you now? Okay. Nicole likes to hydrate daily with a lot of sipping of water. No, but I also use electrolytes now. Oh, and plus electrolytes. Humantra.

She likes to wake up in the morning and go to the gym. Although that's been off the table since the hysterectomy, but now she's just started going back, but very gently. So she likes to exercise first thing in the morning, then she likes to walk the dog. She likes to eat lots of protein, lots of fresh veg, and she likes to watch her macros. Is that the right word? Yes.

Okay, thanks. She doesn't drink a lot of alcohol, just a few sips, not even at sip and paint. And she does like makeup, and you do like to have your nails done, and you do have your hair cut and colored very on the reg. on the reg. Actually, I'm having my hair coloured today. Are you? I am funnily enough,

like much later. But I colour my own hair. Yeah, because you can. Yeah. Well, I'm very great. I've got the strip. Oh, the strip, the badger strip. Sometimes you like to do

a little bit of your own self-tan. Yeah. Sometimes you're allergic and then it makes you itchy. Yeah. I've found one that I'm not allergic to. Oh, good. Yeah. Okay.

And what have I missed? Oh, you have your eyebrows? done? I haven't have them done no. I don't do that. I say that's about it, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I would say... Well, I also walk the dog and I also like being in nature and I also like seeing my friends. I have to

see my friends. I'm a social creature. Yes, you're a social creature. I have to be around people. I'm not very good on my own. I get quite low if I'm on my own for too long. But then I also really like my own company. So you try and figure out the balance of that. And you do like reality TV? I

love Bravo shows. I don't actually like all reality TV. No. Bravo is your thing. Bravo is my jam. Let me tell you something. There is so much going on in Bravo at the moment. I can't even tell you.

I can't even, like I could make a full-time job over figuring out what is going on in the Bravoverse currently. And now all the people that are Bravo fans will know what I'm talking about. And I can't bold to go into it. But I'm telling you, it's quite overwhelming. There's a lot of scandal. there's a lot of stuff and there's a lot of things

to keep up to date on. Okay. Good to know. Yeah. There is something about women sitting around a table all screaming at each other. I find desperately relaxing.

So does John Hamm. I think that's why you're so chemically compatible. John Hamm. Because like on a cellular level I think you just resonate at the same energy. I think that's why because he also finds that relaxing.

I find it mega stressful. No, you don't. I do. You don't. I don't watch anymore. I can't do it. I like that. I can't do with it.

I don't need the rouse. I don't need the rouse in my life. I'm all about the peace. I don't need the rouse. But that is another, I mean, you imagine, you and John Hamm, it's a Tuesday night. Hey John, what do you want to do tonight? Do you know what, Nicole? I'm going to cook some.

No, we wouldn't even need, because we would know what episode has just dropped. Yeah, but he's going to be like, I'm going to make steak and a salad. And then let's binge watch three episodes on the sofa together, snuggled up. Stop. I won't even wear a t-shirt. I'll cook the steaks topless. I mean, you would be very happy with that. Happy.

Wouldn't need any testles to row for that, would I? Listen, Nadia, there are women who are high maintenance and who do all the things and they look great and it costs the fortune and feel great. And good for them. And there are other women like your mum who do the pairs, soap and flannel. And some of them also look great and feel great. So I don't actually think that you should be stressed by consumerism

and doing things wrong and what you should and shouldn't be doing. I think you should do what you can afford, what you have the time for, and what feels like it's going to make you feel and look happy. Can I tell you something that I really do live by? Go on. This is like nothing to do with products or how you eat or anything, nothing of the physical stuff,

but the mental stuff, all those shows that we have done over the years and the boundaries and living for myself and knowing my own mind and respecting myself, and honoring my own needs is something that I really swear by and live by and I want for everybody. I really do.

And the older I get, the more I respect it. Okay. I like that. I also feel like a really big thing for me is moderation. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Like, you know, you don't have to be obsessive about something and like it has to be 100% that way and zero percent that way. Just everything in moderation.

You find that balance okay. Yeah. I can't. I don't function that way. No, my husband doesn't function that way. No, it does just have to. There's no point in me even striving to find moderation. It doesn't work for me.

I find moderation immensely dull. I just can't do that. You're either inner or out. But I'm also very envious that you can. Like I'd love to be able to function in moderation, but I just can't. But I'm going to tell you about my meltdown. It's slightly Karen-esque. I told Ollie, he was like, it's a little bit Karen.

But I don't feel it is Karen. I actually don't think you're going to think it's Karen. I think you're going to be here for it. I like it when you lose your rag. I haven't lost my rag, but I'm about to. Oh. Oh, you know I like it when you get angry. I'm not angry.

I'm irked. I'm irked. Oh, I love it when you're irked. And when you can access that irking, I'm here for it. Go on. Right. Had a GP telephone appointment because heaven for fend one should actually be allowed into a GP surgery to see a human being in person.

But you know what? Didn't need to see him in person. Actually, the phone was fine. I said, dude, what's happened is you guys have prescribed me a 25 milligram patch. Who's that going to help ever? Nobody, ever. I'm already irked. My guiney, the wonderful, the beautiful, the amazing.

Dr. Elaine Palmer, if you have issues in the gyclosical department, please go and see her. She's at one, Welbeck. She's at Wellbeck. She told me to take a 50. So I said, listen, the problem is I'm now having to stick two patches on my butt and it's kind of annoying. So could you just prescribe me a 50? Yeah.

Thank you very much. God bless. Has she written to your GP? No, no. He was like, cool, fine, no problem. So he did. Although he did say to me, and I found this a bit weird, are you finding that they're helping with your hot flushes?

I said, I have never experienced a hot flush. That's not my issue, doctor. But thank you for checking. I said, but what I can tell you is, my rage has subsided and generally I'm a nicer human being to be around. He found that quite amusing. And I found it a bit weird that he went straight to a hot flush. They go to hot flushes and periods, that's it.

He doesn't ask me about that. He just said, has it helped a hot flush? It's like, not an issue. No, they go for the absolute classic symptoms. It depends how trained they are as well. He didn't seem very trained. Anyway, the dude prescribes me a 50 patch. I'm like, great.

Now we can go down from ripping off two things because I have marks. I have sore bits. I know. And they leave the glue residue. I've had to use pseudacrem. I mean, I'm not very happy. So I go to boots to pick up my new patch. This motherfucker is like the size of my whole butt cheek.

Yeah, they're bigger. What the fuck is this thing? And I swear, like when I put my pants on, you're being dramatic. It's rustling. It's rustling. It's rustling. It's so big.

I can like hear it. it. And I am so unhappy with it. And I get tend to only look when you walk. Yes. And the size of this hatch. You're sitting in a paper bag. That is exactly what it feels like. Anyway, what's your meltdown? My meltdown is I bought a very nice pair of shoes in Zara and I was very happy with them 22 pounds, thank you very much. They're a red mule. No, no.

They're burgundy. You actually haven't seen them in the flesh. So you, are banned from speaking. Definitely burgundy. Anyway, I showed her a picture. What did you say? Oh, nice. They're very tarty.

I said they're a proper, I said good luck walking. They're a proper tart shoe, you said. I said good luck walking in them. And you said they are not for walking. And I said, no, they're a proper pair of tarts trotters. And you did great umbrage. Great umbrage. Yeah.

Tart trotters. You've called me a crone. You've called me depleted and old. I call myself depleted and old. Yeah, but I'm with you. And now you've called me a tarts trotter. No, no. The shoes, not you.

Well, you basically called my shoes tarty. I have never been called tarty in my entire... You're not tarty. Just the shoes. They're not. You've got it totally wrong. My mountdown is and when I show my girlfriend,

a pair of shoes, I'm very excited by that cute as a F. They're cute A-F. Yeah. Let me describe them. And then you come out with, oh, they're very tarty.

I had a Barbie who had exactly those shoes. They are a healed peep to mule. We did say that you were banned from speaking. You haven't even described them. You have. They're a healed peepto mule in Burgundy. They're exactly, remember a Barbie shoe, that is exactly what it is.

I wore them. all night on Saturday night. But you were sitting down, weren't you? No, I was walking around. You were a traitors party? Yeah, I was walking around. Were you? Yeah.

How did they go down? Did people comment on them? No, because I was so busy with my, I wore a cape top. Oh, yeah. The fringing from the shoulders to the floor. So no one actually noticed the shoes. No, to be honest, you could have been barefoot,

no one would have noticed. You could have worn like purple lipstick and no one would have noticed because the top takes it all. Takes all the glory. The top went down an absolute treat. I knew it would. It just needed an occasion.

Yeah. It went down an absolute tree. Yeah, it's a great. It was a great. I felt great in it. But you have to be in the mood for it. It was so full on. And as I walked downstairs,

Lily Rose, my youngest, who... Oh. Yeah, I can imagine. She's like, oh, I don't hate it. Oh! But just so you know, it's not actually your birthday. Oh, she felt it was a bit main character energy. Yeah, it is.

It is. It is cool. It is cool. What did Adam say about it? He said, because we were going to a traitors party, which was just the most fun thing ever, it was so much fun, he said, oh, and he said it quite straight lace. I still don't know if he was joking.

Oh, my God, are we supposed to go dressed as superheroes? Oh, God bless him for that. I love it. No, no, just me. Did he think it was actually a fancy dress outfit? Love it. Yes. Oh, he's used to my silly things.

I know, he's used to the outfits. Yeah. in inverted commas. Anyway, so my meltdown is that you called my shoes, Tarty. You know what? They're fucking cool. I don't think I want to take it back. I'm thinking about, do I want to take it back?

You haven't even seen them. I've seen a photo. They can't be that different in real life. They're not going to like transform. They are. They are? Okay. Okay.

I'll hold judgment until I see them on. It's too late. Yeah, you're right. It's too late. It's too late. It's just too late. It's just too late. It just is.

You wait. You wait till you buy the next thing that I don't quite like and I would go, you know, it's okay. I don't know if I'll put it in our script. But you didn't even, you didn't even occur to you to not say Tarts Trotter. No, it would never not occur to me. Actually, I've bought a dress that I think you might find.

You're not even sorry. I don't think I am. There's a listening member. All right, you really enjoyed this one when it came in. Did I? I was with you. What one is it? It was from Marianne.

She said, hello ladies. my son is learning to use the toilet. Yesterday, yesterday after collecting him from nursery, I found a pair of his training pants full of shit in a plastic bag inside his school backpack. I don't at all expect the school to clean the pants,

but nobody even told me they were in the fucking bag. And because I didn't know, I didn't rush to get home after pickup. Oh, no, no. This turd came with us to the super bowl. market to get petrol to soft play for two hours and then it patiently waited at the front door until I finally got around to emptying the school bags in the evening. So that was nice, Mary Ann. Oh, Mary Ann, I so remember those days. I mean, I think it's fair to say that she

could say to the nursery if he does do a big poo in his past, just chuck the pants away. Yes, that was where I got to, Marianne, with one of my children. I won't tell you which. because it would embarrass him, but he basically pooed in his pants every day at nursery, and they would always hand me the poo, the turd and the pants. And after day three, I was like,

can I just tell you, I'm buying them in a 20 pack from Primark. So, Bin it, I don't actually want the poo back. No, I don't want the poo. I want the child back.

Like, I want to know what they've been doing all day, but not every single thing. No, and I don't need visual evidence. No, no. Gross. Gross.

Listen, all I can tell you is, they do toilet train eventually. That's all I can tell you. But when you're in it, you don't actually think they're going to. There's always someone that goes, well, they won't walk down the aisle in a napi.

Jackie did that to me. But it's true. Well, it is true. But it's also not helpful. Also, like, he's gone to university and he's not in nappies, so it's okay. And I'm running with my youngest, you know, and she's about to take her GCSEs next year,

and she's also not in nabies. I promise you, Marian. It does end. I promise you. Yeah. Okay. That's our show. That's it. I'm going to go and have a new topic coffee.

Okay, good for you. And what do you want from me? A written apology about the shoes. Dear Nicole. I would like some form of remorse, but there is no, none coming. No, but I think it's okay. Just own it.

Just wear them, enjoy them. No, because I'm not owning it, because they're not. That's just, no, you can't double down. No, they're not. I disagree with you. so so violently. You can't even have a picture of them

on our Instagram for when this show goes out. They are not tarty. I'm going to wear them with my baggy jeans. I'm going to put them on. I am going to do a vote. No, I'm not going to do a vote because I don't want to know. Maybe I'll wear them to the live show. Yes, we'll do it there.

Well, no, you put me off them now. That's a reason to buy a ticket. Okay, we will see you next week. No, see you on Thursday. Actually. Yeah, we will. Yeah, we will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, see you then.