40ish - Pesto, Patches & Public Farts: A Podcast of Petty Problems

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

This week on 40-ish: Nicole is in BAD MOOD and Lauren is not helping by regaling her with her wholesome tale of foraging and pesto making. Of course, it wouldn’t be the podcast without a dilemma that makes you squirm. This week: what do you do when your judgy Mcjudge pants BFF best friend gets lip filler… and it’s not great? Should you say something, or take it to the grave? Elsewhere, expect the usual glorious tangents including the depressing moment when you realise you’re using No7 but your own child has upgraded to NARS, and a trip to the optician that took longer than a commercial flight to Europe. Finally, a listener meltdown that “trumps” all others. A sunny dog walk, a moment of overconfidence… and the horrifying realisation that you’ve been audibly farting in surround sound with an audience directly behind you the entire time.If you love the episode, share it with a friend who also enjoys a mix of chaos, candour, and questionable decision-making.Get in touch! Email [e-mail] a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/40ish-navigating-midlife-and-perimenopause--6942825/support.Our website

My hair is not a bad mood vibe. My hair is just a vibe. My hair is just a vibe. Okay? It's not a bad mood vibe. My hair is always a vibe. Part of me thinks if this were the other way around, I'd want her to tell me especially if it didn't look quite right and could potentially be fixed. That feels like what a close friend should do. But the other part of me thinks, what if she already knows and is feeling a bit insecure about it? I am over it. it. I got the memo. I don't even know what it is. I felt some harmless walking farts brewing, but I assumed they would disappear quietly into the open air, so I let them go. Hello everybody.

Welcome to 40 Ashandakold Goodman. And I'm Lauren Mishkond. This is the podcast where we tackle 40-something, life, joy, struggles, dilemmas, news, stories, rants and meltdowns. Anything else you want to add to that? No. That's it.

That's it. full package. Here we figure out how to survive midlife together one rant, crisis or meltdown at a time.

Don't forget you can subscribe on Apple Podcast for early access at free listening across this show and self-care club and you can watch

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com. And the most important part of the housekeeping please if you love the show share it with a friend someone who you think would love it to, we would be ever so grateful because it helps us to keep 40-ish coming to your ears

and keep us growing week on week. So thank you. What is going on this week? You know what? I was going to give you a whole really boring story about how I went to the tip yesterday, but then I didn't go to the tip. So I'm not going to bore you with it because it's so fucking boring.

But that was the whole point of the segment is like, you know, my Sunday afternoon was spent around taking shit to a tip. And I didn't even go to the tip because there was so much traffic getting into the tip. Oh yeah, tip traffic. Also, not a pink job. I was with my husband. Oh, okay.

We did it together. A purple job. I've never been to the tip. What? Never been to the tip. So I was quite excited to go to the tip. There was a mile, a mile of traffic getting to the tip. You know why?

Because it was sunny. So everyone was like, I know, spring clear out. Yeah. Let's sort out the garden. Let's take all our furniture to the tip. Anyway, we turned around and went back home. You know what? I quite like the tip.

Even though I do think it's a blue job, I actually go to the tip and sometimes I go alone. What to do what? Throw shit away. Like when we did the massive loft clear out, I had loads of stuff for the tip. But what happens? You turn up at the tip and then what? They take the shit out your car or you have to give it to them. You have to schlep it yourself.

And put it where? In the different huge vats like containers for each methods, each thing. One for metal, one for wood. Right, right, right. Electrical. Right. Miscellaneous. Right.

And you have to park in that way. All Adam has got maybe full of files, like binders. Yes. With maybe 100 binders with the back of his car. Yeah. We had the same thing. We had exactly the same. He's like, oh great.

Now I'm just going to drive around with all the binders. But anyway, I wasn't going to tell you any of that. Oh, okay. Well, you have now. And I'm now going to just be very real. I'm in a really bad mood. Yeah, I have noticed. Have you?

Yeah. Your hair looks nice, though. Thanks. My hair's exactly. exactly the same as it was. It looks different today. I don't know why. It just does.

It's a bit longer. It's got a different vibe about it. Has it? Yeah, maybe it's a bad mood vibe. I don't know what it is. See, like, you don't need to say that about my hair. Okay? My hair is not a bad mood vibe.

My hair is just a vibe. Okay? It's not a bad mood vibe. My hair is always a vibe. It's giving off the energy. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. That's my energy.

It's nothing to do with leave my hair. out of it. It's nothing to do with my fucking hair. Okay. Is that your most 40-ish moment that you're in a bad mood? I mean, that can happen in any decade. Yeah, but I feel like when you're 49, the moods are specific. You know, they're like really specifically bad and grumpy. I feel grumpy is what I feel. I don't know why I've got really, there's no reason of why I'm a bit grumpy, but I am just grumpy. You eat and breakfast? Yes. Did you have a good night's sleep? Yes. I was in bed by 10 o'clock. That's very good. I played paddle this month. morning, I went to the gym for a little bit, I can't do much in the gym.

Oh, you've got no excuse. I know. Went for a gorgeous, sunny dog walk and I'm in a bad mood. What's that about? I don't know. I mean, my most thoughtish thing is it definitely not going to improve your mood. Oh, you are going to fucking hate it so much. I made pesto yesterday for dinner.

This is the bit that you're going to hate even more. I foraged it myself. From the woods. I foraged. Pine nuts. No, wild garlic. I foraged it and I made pesto. You can't make pesto just on wild garlic.

You actually need pine nuts. You don't actually need pine nuts. Any kind of creamy nut will do. A cashew, a macadamia. So where did you get the nuts from? My pantry, my cupboard. Right. My nut jar.

I didn't forage the nuts. I foraged the wild garlic. Why? Why not? It is there. It is there for the table. taking. You know what? I just can't tell you how much that fucks me off. I knew. I just can't tell you. I knew it would. And the thing is, why? Why is it fucking me off? What, what difference does

it make to me whether you forage wild garlic? Like, knock your fucking self out. Good for you if it makes you happy. Then I'm all for it. But really, I can't tell you how annoying that is. As I was whizzing, the magic mix round, as I was pressing the button, I was thinking, this is going to make Nicole so angry. Why don't you just, no, not angry. She's going to hate this so much. Not angry. Why you just buy a jar of pesto like a normal person. Because it is so joyous. To go to the woods and find the fresh wild garlic and pick it and make you a pesto. I don't know how we're friends.

It's so satisfying. I don't know how we are friends. Would you like me to make you a jar? No. What do you mean? No, I don't love, when I put it's all right. It's just not, it's not a regular repertoire. What if I did like a pesto chicken?

Oh, do you like a pesto chicken? Do you like that might be buddy? What if I did a pesto chicken salad? Oh. That sounds very nice. I wish it didn't, but it does. Really glad to hear about Lauren and her patch. It had crossed my mind a couple of times about her hip osteopenia and no comments about HRT.

I was concerned. So was I, though. But then she's put like two laughing face, laughing crying emojis. And I was like, well, why is it funny? If you were concerned, why is it so hilarious? Yes, about my hip osteopenia. She's not laughing about your osteopenia. She's not finding that funny.

What's she finding funny? She's saying that it crossed her mind. Oh, and that was funny. She's saying that it crossed her mind about your osteopenia. Yes. And really, I mean, it's, you don't know her, she doesn't know you. And she was getting concerned over basically a stranger, and she found that funny. I assume that's what she meant.

I don't really know. She wasn't laughing about your osteopenia. I mean, there's nothing funny about osteopenia. You know, thanks. Thanks for the concern. So she's basically relieved that you've actually taken the right steps. Well, I mean... And also the laughing emojis don't actually mean that she's laughing out loud. You know, you sometimes put them just to like soften a text or just to give a tone.

I would never. No. I would never, no. I would only put them in like for the correct thing. You know what I mean? I got sent a really rude one yesterday. Rude emoji. I don't know if it's called an emoji or it was like a cartoon.

It's like a figure. Right. Like a sticker? Avatar. Oh, a sticker, yeah. A sticker? Yeah. And it was a naked man doing helicopters with his willy.

Who sent that? Your husband, I hope. And nobody else. That's okay then. If someone else sent that to me, I'd be deeply disturbed. That's okay. That's okay. Yeah.

I've never seen it before. Do you want to see it? No. I really don't. That won't help my mood. It was just like a cartoon man. Like a black and white. No, no.

It was just like a black and white. That definitely won't help my mood. Okay, no. Also vastly inappropriate. It's like a cartoon black and white thing. All right, brilliant. I mean, you don't do emojis. You're not an emoji person.

No, I'm not. You're a very, you know, you're very to the point. You're very straight laced in that respect. We've had another one with emojis. Okay. Images, you know, the world does use. I know, but also I'm 48. I don't have to use them. Hi, Lauren and Nicole. You don't have to use them at 28. You're right. I'm a big fan of the podcast, which keeps me giggling whilst they get ready in the

mornings. I wanted to write to you about our own household quasi word. Oh, okay. Do you want to explain about quasi for those who missed the episode? Quasi was a show where you said the word podcast by mistake, and then we kept the joke going and then we used quasi as a verb and it was like, oh, I'm feeling very quasi or oh she was a bit quasi or we just used it like in any sense that we could possibly find and then it kind of took on the meaning of just feeling a bit middle aged yeah or anything you could just use it however you felt like tired or middle aged or grump it i'm definitely quasi today i found quasi more of a positive no it's not no like what i'm feeling quasi today yeah what i'm feeling upbeat and lively yeah no it doesn't work okay well anyway she said

during a family holiday with our two kids who were 10 and 12 at the time, we started chatting about a girl they knew called Blaze. I said it sounded like something you might say while fist bumping someone. Blaze. We started joking that the kids should start saying it every time they fist bump their friends when they go back to school to see if it would catch on. We continued as a family to say it. And then when their friends came around,

my husband and I started blazing them to the point that now, whenever a school friend comes to the house, we fist bump and the kids' friends say it back to us. We are three years on and the blaze is still strong. To the point now that our son, who's now 15, told me that his friend said blaze to him unprompted the other day. We are now trying to make it a school-wide thing and only we will know the origin. Anon, in brackets, for the sake of not embarrassing the kids laughing emoji.

Although I feel isn't some of the point of having kids to embarrass them. But also the laughing emoji, it wasn't a laughing emoji. It's a big smiley face emoji. Well, like with your eyes closed, smiling. Yeah. It's that emoji. So I get that. Yeah, get that too. You understand how it gives a tone. I do. I do. It sets a tone. Yeah. That's why people do it. Yeah. I do understand the use. I just can't be asked with it. Just before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We are not doctors or healthcare professionals.

So if there is an issue you are seriously struggling with, please contact a qualified expert. jumping in here to say if you're enjoying this episode, please share it with a friend who you think will love it too. Hello ladies, I'd love your take on this. My best friend had lit villa done a couple of weeks ago. It's not extreme, but because I know her face so well, it's obvious to me, and if I'm honest, it doesn't look good. There's that slight ridge thing, and it's the first thing I noticed when I look at her now. I nearly said something when I first saw her, but I stopped myself. What makes it more complicated is that she's always been pretty judgmental about people who get it saying it looks fake that she'd never do it and all of that. So now I feel like

I'm sitting on two layers of awkwardness. The fact that she's had it done and the fact that she knows I've heard all of her previous opinions. When we met up, I could feel this weird, slightly tense politeness between us. Oh, that's awful. Imagine if we were just polite to each other. That would just wouldn't happen. I mean today it would be charming. I'd actually love it. Feel free. Like we were both the way. I don't have that in me today. I just don't. Many days. No.

It's not your. It's not your thing. What? Politeness. No, just like, you know, you just need to say things. You don't like to hold back. No. I don't think it's very good for you.

Part of me thinks if this were the other way around, I'd want her to tell me, especially if it didn't look quite right and could potentially be fixed. That feels like what a close friend should do. But the other part of me thinks, what if she's, already knows and is feeling a bit insecure about it? Or what if she actually likes it and me saying something just makes her feel judged or embarrassed and hypocritical given everything she's previously said about it? I feel weird holding this in. Maybe the friend isn't happy about it either, which is why she hasn't said anything. That's what she's saying? What if she's had it and she doesn't

like it? Because like my teeth, for example, like I've had my teeth done. I had the invisible line. I am so happy with them. So I'm now looking at everybody going, do you like my teeth? Do you like my teeth? Do you like my teeth? Look at my teeth. I got my teeth. Yeah. But if I'd had like some weird Botox, which has happened in the past, I'm not going to go, oh my God,

look at my weird Botox. What do you think about my weird Botox? I sort of like want it to go unnoticed. I think it's more like my feeling is I feel like the woman who's had it done feels like a bit of a hypocrite. So it's like me having it done because I wouldn't do Botox or fillers

and I'm quite vocal about it. And then imagine if I just came in. No. You're not vocal about it. It's so unlike. to be vocal about anything. With no emoji. Like, I can't hold things in.

Neither can you, my friend. No, no, I don't choose to. No. But imagine if I came in today with lip filler. I mean, having said everything I will say about filler and you didn't, well, would you say something. Yeah, you fucking would. What do you think I'd say? What the fuck have you done to your lips?

That's what you'd say. You had lip filler. And then I'd have to either tell the truth or lie. And if I lied, you'd be like, yes, you fucking out. Don't lie. Why lie? Why lie? I've done that.

And why are you lying? And also, why have you done that? No, because it's not about the lip filler, is it? Who gives a shit? You put lip filler in your lips. I don't care what you do. I don't care apart from making the pesto. Like, I don't really care.

But I would care if you're lying to me about it. If I came in this morning with lip filler, would you say something to me? I think it would just fall out my mouth. Like, you've had your fringe cut, right? So I can see you've had your fringe cut. How would I not notice if you'd had lip filler? Of course you'd notice. But you might not notice on.

me because you're very unobservant. I might not notice on you. Although you did say to me today, have you had your hair colour done? And I'm like, no. Oh no, have you changed your hair colour? I said, no. And you went, are you sure? It's like, I'm really sure.

I haven't had my hair colour done. In fact, my greys are so bad. Look how grey I am. I really can't see them. Oh my God, they're so bad. But it would be less weird if you did it than if I did it. I think what she said is this is a woman who's like been very vocal about the fact that she thinks it's weird and looks weird and da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

and now has done it. But I also think why... But then it's probably quite difficult for her to say, yeah, and I know everything I said and I'm being a total hypocrite, but I've had it done. But why didn't she just say to her as soon as she saw her?

Oh my God, you've had lip-flict. Like, I don't understand if they're best friends how it didn't just fall out her mouth. Like, I don't understand how she had the restraint to not say anything because I think that's weird.

Like, she says it's weird holding it in, but I think it's weird to not to say it. I think it would be, if the roles are reversed, I would definitely say something to you. Yeah. I don't think you would necessarily say something to me if it looked weird. I wouldn't be 100% sure that you'd done it or if I was noticing it wrong. But you wouldn't say what's different?

I probably, I don't know. It depends what it was. If it was lip filler. But then I haven't been vocal about people having lip filler. I don't really care. If one of my friends had lip filler and it looks amazing. Really? Amazing.

It's the only time I've seen someone. have it done and it looks great. Everyone I know who's had it done looks shit. I know. But I think that's just bad lip filler and I think the other people that have had it is that maybe we just don't notice. And I always notice it. But you don't is what I'm saying. Oh well if you don't notice it then you don't notice it. But like you know when you just really and it's all you can look at because it's so yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Why did you pay someone to do that? Your face is so lovely. Yeah. Yeah. Would I say something to you? I don't, it would depend how obvious it was.

it was bad, like really bad, I would feel really awkward saying something. Because it's like, you know, when you have your hair cut and you don't like it. Yeah. You don't just, you just don't want anyone else to notice it because you're already feeling so overly aware of it. Yeah. Because you hate it and you need it to grow and it needs two weeks and all of that, that you just don't need your best mate coming in and going, oh, you cut your hair. It's like, yeah, I fucking hate it. Do we have to talk about it?

And it's always the best mate that does that. So, while we're here, yesterday, before the while garlic picking, I was having coffee with my friend, she was like, cut your fringe. I said, yeah, she said, did you cut your fringe? And I said, why? And she said, I just don't feel like it's as straight as when the hairdresser cuts it. I said, are you saying my fringe is wonky?

She's like, I'm not saying it's wonky. I'm just saying that when the hairdresser cuts it, it's a little, it looks different. I was like, okay. Have you cut it? Yep. It looks fine. No, it doesn't.

Okay. It doesn't. It looks, you know what? It actually does look fine, but what it looks is shorter than normal. Yeah. Because you fucked it up, didn't you? And then you had to take it shorter.

Well, it just was, I couldn't see. And it was making me driving me absolutely. mad. It just needs a few days to grab it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's okay. So I didn't say instantly when you walked in, oh, you've had your fringe cut. No. I've just said it just now. But also, that's not weird because I constantly have to have my friend. I have to have it cut constantly. And also I don't feel like that's a strange thing to do.

But if you'd have walked in and I said, oh, your fringe is very short, then you would have made you feel really. It would have made you feel uneasy, but not uneasy, but, you know, paranoid about it. So maybe she didn't want to do that to her friend because she's seen the lips look weird. She doesn't, she doesn't think it looks. great so you're not going to then go, I don't like your lips. What have you done? I definitely would not say to you, oh my God, what have you done to your lips? It looks awful. That would be terrible. I know. You would say, oh, lips. Yeah, I would do something like that. It would be like, oh. That's new. I would do something like that. Just to like gauge the reaction.

That would really. Today, that would fuck me off. It's fucking me off. I've even even had my lips. I probably would. I probably would say exactly that. oh, lips. And then I'd wait for you to say, oh, my God, it's awful. I hate it, I wish I'd never had an or. You'd be like, yeah, I love it. Don't you think it looks amazing?

No, I wouldn't. It wouldn't be one or the other. I'd be like, yeah. I don't want to talk about it. You'd either love it or you'd hate it. Or I'd ignore your own. No, you wouldn't because you'd say yes. And I love it.

No, if I didn't love it. No, then you'd say, I don't want to talk about it. I don't know. I'd be like, okay, new subject. It'd be much more. You won't be able to. It's a lose-lose situation.

It would be much more awkward if it was me. Much more awkward. Because I'm weird about those things. Fucking amazing if it was you. What size would they be? I would jump on you like a pack of wolves. You ever did anything to your face. I'd be like, right.

Disgust. It's never going to. Immediately. I'd look deformed if I put filler in my lips. Oh no, you don't need filler in your lips. You don't need filler in your lips. Oh, no. Lucky you.

I don't want it. in anywhere. It's fine. Everything's fine as it is. I think filler is, is, is, it's no good filler. It's a road to nowhere good filler. I don't, I don't know much about it. I just don't want shit in my face. No, but you often see when people have had either too much filler or bad filler or it's quite obvious. It's always obvious. It's not always obvious. I had Botox a couple of months ago and you were like, it doesn't look any different. I'm like, yeah, good. Yeah. You didn't even notice. But that's not filler.

No, that's what I'm saying. So it's not always, you know, I actually haven't been it done next week. I can't wait. Well, hopefully it won't look any different. Well, I've wanted to look different. What was the point in me giving a 250 quits to look the same? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's not my, it's not my specialist subject. No. No what I mean? Yeah. It's just not.

What is? What is your specialist subject? Come on. I'm more kitchen based than Botox based. Right. I don't know anything about. So if you had one subject gone mastermind with, what would it be? It's a good question, right?

I think mine would be, this is so sad. Paddle? No. No. I think it would be real housewives. I don't think that's terrible. I think that's actually quite a cool one. Cool?

Yeah. That's not cool. I think there's ever been a real housewives on Mastermind? I don't know. Must have been. Or friends, but then they do give you really obscure. It's like what was Gunther wearing in episode four season six? I don't fucking know.

Yeah. It gets too weird. I mean, I know this is really weird, but I do know quite a lot about sharks. What, like, mastermind level sharks? Definitely not mastermind level, no. Okay, so that's not a specialist subject. I don't know if I have a specialist subject. Sharks?

I don't think I have a specialist subject. Come on. Think of one. Specialist subject. Yeah, what would your subject be on mastermind? I think it would be like the current collection in Zara. I would be so up on that. I could probably tell you every piece.

I think that's what it would be. I don't think I haven't in depth knowledge enough of anything in particular. You must do. You must do. I mean, I could probably cover pregnancy and childbirth quite clearly, but I don't think that's a mastermind special subject. What? Where do babies come out of if they're not delivered by Cezer?

section. You know what I mean? Most people can answer that. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Like, I don't think I... I don't reckon you'll get that question. You don't think. I mean, do you need to share a meltdown? I feel like you're in one today already.

Or have you got something, a specialist subject meltdown to share with the group. I mean, there was a lot of shade in that, I think. Wasn't there? No emoji. No, it's the emoji with no mouth. Zip emoji. No, not even. and zip.

Oh, just, no mouth, just eyes. Just blank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the conversation

between me and my 15 year old. I have bought this gorgeous number seven concealer. I cannot find it anywhere. And normally, like I came into my bedroom the other day and I could see that my 15 year old

had been rummaging around all my makeup. So I'm looking for it and looking for it. And I said to her, where have you, before I start really searching for this, Have you nicked my number seven

concealer? It's brand new. And she goes, Mom, I only use NARS. Oh, excuse me! Yeah. With the budget. Yeah. With the budget. Who's buying the NARS? Because, by the way, the NARZ concealer is 36 pounds. I'm aware.

The reason that I buy number seven is because it is not 36 pounds. You know what? It's amazing. If it's the same one that I use, number seven or NARS? No, the number seven serum concealer. It's amazing. Amazing.

Is it the one with the stick? Yes. Yeah, but I've lost it. Maybe you take it. No, I haven't taken it. It's literally gone. I bought, I actually finished my old tube and I loved it so much. I went straight to buy a replacement.

That's how much I love it. I didn't even switch to another brand. It is the best concealer. I might even link it in our show notes. Well, I mean, could you link to where mine is? Because it's just literally disappeared anyway. It might be in a handbag. In the bottom of a handbag somewhere.

Naz. She's 15. Fifteen. Very bougie. very bougie. Their makeup is so much boozy than mine. I don't have the makeup thing

with boys but I do have the clothing thing. Josh came home with this red jillet. Do you like this mom? I was like, it's okay but it's blah blah blah brand. I've never heard of this brand. I said but how much did that cost you?

He was like, I was only like 70 quid. I bet he makes his own money. And I was like, excuse me, you're 13. Where have you got 70 quid to buy a jilet? He's like, have you got any idea how much is in my vintage account? I was like, actually I don't. He showed me his vinted account.

Oh my God. He can buy whatever he likes. Good for him. I know. Also, very bougie. I think my mum was still dressing me in Marx and Spencers when I was that age. I mean, I was definitely not wearing Nause concealer. Me neither.

I still had frizzy hair. I didn't even know about things like serum. I don't know if serum was even invented when we were 15. It was. Was it? Yeah. I definitely didn't have it there. Can I tell you my meltdown?

Okay, you know that I can't see in that. that's been going on for a long time. I also can't see. Right. Went back to the optician. Actually said, Oh, you went back? I went back.

I said, when was my last checkup? Last March. I said, okay, it's been a year. I don't feel that embarrassed about the fact I can't see. I'm not joking. The boy, and I do use boy in the way it's intended,

the boy who did my eye pressure checks. You know all that bullshit you've got to go through before you actually put the glasses on and read the letters. The eye pressure, the look at the laser. Didn't you have like a freckle at the back of your eye? I did, yes. Do you have all that checks?

Yeah, I had all that check. There's no eye cancer. Oh, yay. Yeah. Remember I said to you, haven't got eye cancer, and you were like, oh, that's handy. So I had all the tests done, go in, get my eyes checked. You know, take my lenses out, do all the things. She was like, okay, here's your prescription.

Gives me the prescription. No, no, no, no. That's the same prescription. She said, yeah, I know. I said, no, you're not understanding me. I can't see. That's why I've come back to you. Don't tell me that my prescription is the same.

Should, actually, I'm really unhappy with the eye pressure in your left eye. you need to go and redo all the tests. I was at the opticians for two hours. Two whole hours. Sorry, when were you at the opticians for two hours? Saturday morning. I was going to say, because I definitely usually speak to you more regularly. Well, you wouldn't have spoken to me Saturday morning because I was stuck in the optician,

having the eye pressure test and the laser peripheral vision test done three times. Why? Because they weren't happy with the results. And by the second time, I was sitting there thinking, are you about to tell me like, I'm going to go blind or something's really wrong with vision because why are you making me do this over and over and what happened with the prescription they haven't changed it I said no I can't I can't see I'm having to wear reading glasses over my very focals they were like okay come back for a contact lens

change can you do that now no you have to make another appointment um my optician basically said but you have to have some level of compromise I'm like but what am I compromising on so when I put my contact lens in then now I just put my reading glasses because I just can't be bothered with it yes so I put them in the small morning. I'm keeping them in all day, which I don't normally do if I'm working, because I find it hard to look at the screen. Yes. But the whole point of having very focal lenses is you then don't need the reading glasses. I have got very focal lenses. Oh, but you also can't see. No. I can, but I can't. I mean, fuck this. Honestly, it's awful. But my vision isn't even bad.

Mine, I feel like mine's shocking. Mine isn't even bad. I don't even have like a major prescription. It's just annoying. Yeah, it's just so annoying. I'm beginning to think it's a hormonal thing. It's not even an eye thing. honestly is there anything that isn't hormonal anything is there anything in my world that isn't determined by my fucking hormone i'm so over my hormones the laundry that's even worse because that is like bottom of the barrel yeah i'm just over it you know i'm just fucking over it yeah we can tell i'm just over it i'm over it i'm over it i am over it i am over it i am over it it. Okay.

I got no. This is the listener meltdown. She's a non. She says, for God's sake, please keep this anonymous. Okay. I need to talk about something deeply humiliating that happened to me on my dog walk yesterday. I had my headphones on. Nice little playlist was enjoying the sun,

a bit of fresh air, bit of exercise. I felt some harmless walking farts brewing, but I assumed they would disappear quietly into the open air, so I let them go. I carried on walking, big deal. Nature happens we move on. Ten seconds later, I turn around to check on the dog and I saw there were two people in capital letters right behind me, properly behind me, a couple walking at a steady pace, close enough that they absolutely, definitely heard it. I realized that I had

been strolling along, confidently farting into the spring air while they walked silently behind me witnessing the whole thing. I didn't know what to do. Apologize, acknowledge it, fake phone, No, no, no, move on, turn left. Obviously, I panicked and I did the worst possible thing, which was to speed up slightly in an awkward, I'm pretending this never happened, but I'm also trying to escape the scene of the crime way. They sped up too.

So then we were just three. Well, they're probably trying to get away for the smell. We were just three adults, power walking in silence, all knowing that I had been farting. I wanted to die of shame. Anyway, if you ever see someone, walking very fast, staring straight ahead and refusing to make eye contact, just know they may

have recently farted in surround sound and are trying to outrun the memory of it. That's really embarrassing. But also, just, just, just, just pretend that never happened. Just file it into things that never happened that I will forget tomorrow. And now she's written it down and sent it into us. Hopefully that's enough. And now we've read it out to the nation. So it's just gone.

It's just gone into the ever. Well, hasn't gone anywhere now. It's really out there. And then hopefully there'll be a clip on Instagram about it and it will just keep going forever more. Yeah, it might. And then just when she thinks that the embarrassment's faded, she'll open her phone, she'll see Dorit,

and then she'll see this story about her farting. Because you know now, obviously, the nation's going to be seeing the Derreet reels, because we've said Derreet. Like when we started to say the... Hey, Siri. Yeah, I wasn't going to say it because then it opens people's phones. But yeah.

Okay, bye, everybody.