40ish - Secret Second Phone & Weeing at the Theatre

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

This week on 40ish: Nicole and Lauren have a rant about theatre wees and Lauren’s technical inability to log into a Zoom call. A listener has found a secret phone in her husband’s car and wants to know if it's suspicious (err…yup) We would love to hear from you!  To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch at: Email [e-mail] Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/share/DVQWb6y2vesgeHEK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d  To order our book HAVE YOU TRIED THIS?” click here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Have-You-Tried-This-Only/dp/1801293139/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1O7EA4ZF1O5CS&keywords=have+you+tried+this&qid=1699449028&sprefix=have+you+tried+%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

70,000 people are here and Bob Dylan is the reason for it. Inspired by the true story. If anyone is going to hold your attention on stage, you have to kind of be a freak. Are you a freak? Hope so. And starring Timothy Chalamet as Bob Dylan, he defied everyone. Turn it down!

Play it loud! To change everything. Make some noise BD. Timothy Chalamet, Edward Norton, L. Fanny, Monica Barbaro. A complete unknown. Only theaters Christmas day. As a FIZ member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans,

and having your unused data roll over to the following month. Every month. At FIZ you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at Fizz.ca. You'd need to unload the dishwasher, the laundry wouldn't have been done, the dog wouldn't have been fed, the children would have no uniform. It would be, everything would have frozen in time because you'd left to go to the other family so all you would do would be playing catch up because it would just be chaos.

Whereas the men... Do you ladies get why I am so fucked off? Yes! Yes! Before we jump into the show today, we are so excited and honoured to tell you that we are currently part of Spotlight. Spotlight is a project from Apple Podcasts which highlights a creator or creative team every couple of months, and they've chosen us for the month of September.

Apple's editorial team believe that you are gonna want to spend a lot more time with us, and we definitely want to be spending more time with you. So they have kindly put us together. Thank you so much to Apple Podcasts. We really hope you enjoyed this brand new show, and we hope you stick around to talk about all things midlife.

And don't forget that you can listen ad free to both this show and Self Care Club when you subscribe to this channel. Welcome to Fortyish, I'm Nicole Goodman. And I'm Lauren Mishcon. This is the brand new podcast that navigates the challenges and absurdities of Forty Sunday Life and we're going to solve all of your dilemmas. We're going to attempt to. We have attempted to so far. I think we're doing pretty well. I don't know. In the coming weeks we're going to discuss your problems, any issues you may have, rants, anything that you have kindly shared with us and we

are also going to be divulging and sharing our own stories about the mess of navigating our own midlife. Basically, the podcast is just an opportunity to make all of us feel better, not worse and not weird about the mundane chaos that comes with middle age. So if you're new to the show, then a very big welcome to you. Thank you for joining us and please go and follow the show for new episodes every week. How are you this week, Nicole? Let me tell you something. Oh, oh, oh, she's coming in.

She's ready to blow. I'm in hot. I'm coming in hot and I have got a big fat complaint about- Oh, I love a middle-aged complaint. I was thinking, is it a middle-aged complaint or is it just a feminist rant? We'll bring it and then I'll tell you. So on Saturday, my husband and I went on a date and we went to the theater.

Delightful. It was, we went to a matinee. I mean, that's fairly pensioner status, but okay. No, it was nice, because then we went for an early dinner. Oh my God. It's your husband 80? No, he's 50 and he's very, very handsome. So he tells me every day.

Anyway, we went to the went to the matinee theater. Okay. So it took us about an hour to get up to town. Obviously, you know, I'm not by the way, we're not discussing the size of my bladder on this, which I'm just just go with the story. You're slightly smaller than average bladder. I don't have a slightly smaller than average bladder. That is just your perception of the situation.

Anyway, I needed the loo. Okay. Okay. So obviously I go to the loo and the show's about to start in 10 minutes and there is a queue all around the bar area for the women's toilets. Oh, M.G OMG I am totally with you with the theatre toilet situation. Good oh good I now feel supported I can carry on.

Please. Okay so one of the ushers says oh there's another toilet upstairs I don't think there's as many people up there go up there so I walk up three flights of stairs and the queue is just as big as it was downstairs. I went to the same theatre to see the same show and the same thing happened to me. It's the Trafalgar Theatre, it's quite a narrow theatre. And it's four flights. So I thought, right, I'm not going all the way back down to stand in that queue, so I'm

going to try again. So I go up another flight of stairs and there were another set of toilets that had another queue, but it was slightly smaller. That's the one I used on the top, top, top floor. Like five flights of stairs up. Go to the loo, come back down, watch the show. In the interval I always need the toilet. I hadn't even drunk that much water, Lauren, but it's more like... You don't want to sit there feeling uncomfortable. It's precautionary.

Yeah, get it. Right? And then obviously when you come out the theatre, you can never want to sit there feeling uncomfortable it's precautionary yeah get it right and then obviously when you come out the theater you can never get to the toilet because all the doors are blocked off in your yeah just in case we so i call it we anxiety okay anyway interval same situation exactly the same fucking situation yeah the two toilets on the first two floors absolutely you cannot get near it i so i go up to the third one and the queue is floors, absolutely you cannot get near it. So I go up to the third one and the queue is also just as long, so I just waited there. And had a lovely conversation with all the women about basically that anytime I go to the theater,

I spend the entire time queuing for the toilet. Yeah. Right? That's just part of being- Standard. Standard part of being a woman. Yeah. Adam, obviously by the time I get back to my seat,

he'd been sat there for God knows how long because he also went to do adjust in case we and he was back within 30 seconds. After that, we go to Selfridges. We have a little schmire Selfridges and then we go for dinner. By the time I get to Selfridges, because now I haven't been since the interval and it's a really long show. You need another week. I need another week. So as we walk into Selfridges, go down to the basement. I go down to the basement and I go to the ladies toilet there. Guess what? Big fat queue. Big fat queue. By this point, I'm actually not amused because I feel like I have spent most of my afternoon queuing for the fucking toilet. Can I suggest never go to a festival? Is that the only reason? Why is that all you do is queue for the,

when was the last time you went to a festival? Name the last, and you cannot, it has to be within a timeframe that I've known you because I've known you for five years. It was not. But I'm still mentally scarred from the queuing for the Port-au-Lieu situation and the having to use the Port-au-Lieu situation. I don't mind a Port-au-Lieu situation.

Oh, actually, I am going to redeem myself here because there is a festival that I go to every single summer. I go to BST. I know you said, but there's not really a festival. It's more like a few hours in the park and then you go home It is a festival. You're not camping Are you no, but it's still it's the british summertime music festival in Hyde Park a concert It's a festival because it goes it's not one concert goes on for three weeks But you're only there for one concert then you go home

You're not there go to one show isn't the toilet situation the same? I had to go some ecstasy go see another show see with you in the head to see at the moment No, no, because hold on. What is it with me and the ecstasy at the moment? Well, you just you've never been a thing with me. What it up on a previous show? I just that was in a quiz I'm just saying yeah, we haven't ever discussed ecstasy And now I feel like we've discussed it in the last two weeks quite a lot It'll be a really short conversation. I've never taken it.

Well then stop bringing it up. Okay. No, no. What I'm saying is the toilet situation is the same at BST as it is at any other festival. What's the difference? It doesn't matter how long I'm there for. Can I tell you the difference?

Because when you've spent three days at Glastonbury and many hundreds of thousands of people have been using the same portaloos day and night... What do you think happens in Hyde Park? What do you think happens in Hyde Park? What do you think happens in Hyde Park? It's the same thing. I'd find a bush.

Thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people are using these toilets. Gross. They're gross. I have to tell you something about this theatre situation. I too find it extremely frustrating and annoying. And so one night, I think I was going to see like the Les Miser's celebratory 25 year concert or something. No, I know exactly what you're going to say. I was not. Let me tell you something. You don't know what I'm going to say. I do. I was not going

to miss the second half. I do know what you're going to say. I know exactly what you're going to say because the next day we had a meeting at, I can't remember where it was, somewhere in Soho to discuss the beginning of self-care club. We hadn't set it up yet. We had a meeting about it with your dad to discuss putting it on the radio. And you came in and I didn't know you.

And you gave me this, you told me this story about how you went into the men's toilets. I started a revolution in half time. I basically, I saw this queue and I thought, fuck this. I'm done with this. This is sexism. There should be more toilets for the women. It takes men less time.

This is ridiculous. So I just went into the men's toilet and I turned around to the ladies behind me in the queue and I said, I am using the men's toilets because there was nobody in there and I'm not missing the second half, join me. And they did. Did they? Oh, that's amazing.

I had like five or six women behind me and we all use the men's and we came out and the men who were going in looked at us and I just thought, fuck it, I don't care. And I'm just saying that's the solution. Use the men's lose. Why not? Really interesting, cause I went to a lady's lunch,

my friend's birthday lunch, her 50th birthday, and she hired out this restaurant, this local restaurant, and it was just for women. So the only men that were in there were the waiters. There must've been 40 women. Anyway, there were two toilets, one man's toilet and one woman's toilet. And when we went in, I just went into the men's toilet

because someone was in the women's. And then there was a woman in front of me and I said, just go into the men's. She goes, no, no, no, I'll wait for the women's. I said, but there's no men in here. She said, no, no, I'm gonna wait for the women's. Well, whatever, let herself out. No, I did.

So I went into the men's before, but I felt a bit bad because I was obviously relieving myself before she was. So anyway, I get back to my seat from the theater and I said to Adam exactly what you've just said, it's anti-feminist. It's because, and I said it to all the women in the queue and not many of them agreed with me. And then they sort of turned around and like, tried to avoid me because they thought, Oh, Oh no, she's off on one. She's off on one. Yeah. Check out the feminist in the corner. Yeah. But basically they just, I feel like society just wants to inconvenience women.

And if they're standing in a queue for the toilet, then it means they can't cause any trouble. Okay. I mean, I wouldn't take it quite that far. Well I did. But I just don't. When I told the strangers in the toilet, they didn't agree. No. I would like turn around to my friend and give her the side

eye if I meant to say that. No you fucking wouldn't. You would fall in love with me there and then if... I'd be like, she's had one too many at lunch. If I said that in the queue, you're telling me you would turn around and you wouldn't engage with her? I don't, I mean, I think that's, you know, that's fairly a militant statement. But that's how I feel.

Okay. I stand by it. Okay. I stand by it. Just before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We're not doctors or healthcare professionals. This is just a fun space. We're where we share our thoughts. Which could be completely wrong. So if there is an issue that you're seriously struggling with, please contact a qualified expert. If there is an issue that you're seriously struggling with, please contact a qualified expert.

Okay, what is our first question today, Lauren? I found a secret second phone. Oh Jesus, that's never good. I'm 41 and recently had my second baby. Oh, congratulations. I've always felt like my marriage was okay, but not perfect. Well, whose is perfect? The fine perfect.

Do you know anyone that you look at that says they have a perfect marriage? If anyone said to me, I have a perfect marriage, I'd be immediately suspicious and assume they certainly did not. You also say that when people tell you that they have sex like four times a week. Liars, absolute liars.

The other night, I realized when people tell you that they have sex like four times a week. Liars, absolutely liars. The other night I realized I'd left the baby's change bag in the foot well of my husband's car when we were out earlier that day and I went to get it. I don't drive his car as the baby seats are usually in mine. I don't know why, but I opened the central storage compartment and saw there was a phone in there. I just call that women's intuition. It isn't his mobile because he was on it when I went out to the car. I want to see you know your husband's mobile. But when I

pressed it I recognized the screensaver photo of a beach that we went to when we were away last year so I know that it's definitely his. He doesn't have a job that requires a work phone and he has never mentioned this second phone to me before. Should I be suspicious? I think we're all suspicious. I think every single person that's just heard that is suspicious. I'm immediately suspicious. So you could either, well the answer is yes, I would be suspicious and also very cautious and I wouldn't like go in with the why have you got a second phone all accusatory, just be open to hearing that there's a reasonable explanation. Well are you going back in saying I found a phone in your car?

Well, I probably would, yeah. How would you say that? Would you literally just say, I was having a little snoop around in your car? No, I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even excuse it. I would just say, is this yours? Why have you got a second phone? I mean, that sounds accusatory, but-

It really does, yeah. Well, why do you have a second phone? Come on, there's only one reason why a husband or indeed a wife would have a secret second phone. I mean, could you imagine having a second phone? I feel like the one phone is enough. He's clearly a member of MI6. Is he? No. He could be. I mean, he could be? He could be a spy and therefore he can't tell her. I mean, that feels a little- It's a reach.

It's a reach. It feels a little bit theatrical, I'll be honest. But what would you do? I reckon you'd sit on that. I'd sit on it. And then maybe, depending on how devious I was feeling. Text him from it. No, because I wouldn't know the number. No, yes you how devious I was feeling. Text him from it. No, because I wouldn't know the number.

No, yes you would, of course you would. How, how? Because you open the phone. Yeah, but it's gonna be locked. Okay, I'll tell you what I would do. I would wait until he was asleep. I would go back out to the car. I would get the phone.

And then I would face recognition it on his sleeping face and try and open it. Have a quick look through it, see what was on it. If nothing suspicious, I've just put it back in the car. If something very suspicious, call a solicitor. That is a very, very good plan. The only problem with the face recognition is a lot of the time you need light.

So you'd have to turn the lights on. Oh, okay. And now I just put the torch on my phone on. So there was some light in the room. On his face, you don't think that's gonna wake him up? I don't know how heavy a sleeper this man is. My husband's quite a heavy sleeper. Adam would definitely wake up.

Or you could like get his finger and press it on the button. He'd wake up. If his hand was just like flat, and then you could just put the phone on the finger. The other question is, whatever is on that phone is a secret. So you wanna know. And you will never, ever, ever, unsee it.

And do you really wanna know what's on that phone? Like do you actually wanna see all the gruesome details? Obviously no, but also yes. Yeah, and obviously if he's having an affair, which is obviously what we're all thinking, do you actually wanna see all the messages that are sitting on there? I'm not even convinced that he'll be having an affair.

My gut is like, is he using it for like online dating or apps or like something like that? I mean, obviously, yes, my immediate mind goes to he is having sex with other women or attempting to, but not even like he's having one affair. Is he just like, I mean, I don't know, he could be, of course, he could have a second family, who knows? Can have a second family and he's just got a newborn?

I mean, could you only imagine? I mean, it happened to my, it happened to someone I know. Yeah. What, her husband? Her brother. Her brother had a second family? A secret second family. And she didn't know either.

No, nobody. And how did they all find out? He died. Oh, that's a terrible end to the story. He drowned. He drowned? He drowned. Was it suicide?

Well, no one really knew. He drowned and it transpired that he had two laptops, two phones, two, what's the thing you plug in to your phone? Not your phone, your, what's the thing you plug in? Hard drives, not hard drive, bits. What'd you call it? Memory stick. He had this memory stick or two memory sticks.

So depending on which city he was in and which family he was with, he'd use the data stick or two memory sticks. So depending on which city he was in and which family he was with, he'd use the data stick and the different phones. There is so much room for error. He'd been living this life for years. And I think the stress of years. He had children years and years and years. And I think the stress.

And did either one know about the other family? So neither family knew about. But the stress and the pressure had caused him to start drinking. And the drinking is what led to his drowning. So whether it was accidental or unpurposed, don't know. I mean, I'm sure the stress played into that. He died and it came out.

But the reason it came out wasn't because one wife essentially found out about the other wife, essentially. It was because a third woman. No, no, a girlfriend. A girlfriend came forward because she wanted child support for the child that he'd had with her. Wow.

And it was her that blew the story open. He had been merrily living these two separate lives. Not merrily, three separate lives, three. Well, I'm not sure if he was still involved with the girlfriend, but he was living between these two cities, allegedly working in both cities. You know, oh, sorry, I've got to go away for work.

When he was away for work, he was just living with the other family. Could you imagine,, you know, oh, sorry, I've got to go away for work. When he was away for work, he was just living with the other family. Could you imagine, could you imagine seriously a second family? I mean, I feel like this particular, right? I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old, two girls and a husband and a dog. And that is like my cup runneth over.

Like I am so maxed at capacity with all the stuff that goes on in my family life I don't know how anyone would survive a second family. Can I tell you because because they're men if you left your family I've just got to go on a work trip with Lauren for four days and you went to the other family you'd need to unload the dishwasher the laundry wouldn't have been done the dog wouldn't have been fed the children would have no uniform like it would be everything would have frozen in time because you'd left to go to the other family so all you would do would be playing catch-up because it would just be chaos whereas the men this is not the case is it this is why men are able to do this stuff. Oh, yeah, but who'd wanna?

Who would want to? I just can't imagine, anyway. This poor lady, what do you think? I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to say, should she be suspicious? Yes. Yes. And whatever it is you need to do, do it with care and compassion and look after yourself.

And my suggestion is you tell a very close friend, someone that you can trust and you move through this as best you can. But please, please, I know we're not on Self Care Club now but we are both very invested in women's wellness. Please look after yourself in the process because whatever is on that phone, I'm thinking it's not good news. Should we talk about your middle age moment this week? Do we have to? Yeah. Do you know which one I'm referring to?

Do you know which one I'm referring to? Yes, sadly I do. Go on. Which one am I referring to? When we had to do a call with Apple. Yeah. So we had this great call with Apple. We were very excited about it because it was us, they were onboarding us with the Spotlight program.

It wasn't like a technical support call with Apple. It was like chatting to the team at Apple about Spotlight. The editorial team. Yeah. And you know, for two independent podcasters to have a phone call, a Zoom call, a call, whatever sort of call with Apple and the editorial team, we were really excited about it, weren't we?

Yeah. We were really excited about it. Anyway, so the invite came through and Lauren doesn't, often we're together, often we do the invites. As we've stated before, we're mainly together. We are together a lot of the time. Except when we're asleep or bathing. Often we do the calls together. Yeah. stated before, we're mainly together. We are together a lot of the time. Except when we're asleep or bathing. Often we do the calls together,

but we weren't on this particular morning. No. We were doing the calls from our separate homes. Yes. And Lauren sometimes gets a bit confused with the calendar invites, don't you? You do. Good. I love you, I love you, but you do.

And so you can never find where the links are. You're like, where's the link? I normally like search for the name of the person we're speaking to in our email account. And then I click on that. And then normally there's like, join, join the Zoom here. And you click at the right time and then you go into the Zoom call.

Often, there are often text messages. Like let's say the call's at 10.30, at 10.32, because Laura's not on the call, often, and I'll get a text. I can't get, I can't find the link. It's the the call's at 10.30 at 10.32 because Lauren's not on the call often and I'll get a text I can't get I can't find the link it's the same answer all the time it's in our calendar but because you are on a paper calendar that you my kitchen lives in my kitchen but you know those links aren't going to magically make it onto your paper calendar in the kitchen they will sit in our google calendar beautifully beautifully, flawlessly, automatically. I mean, I have found where our Google calendar is now. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. That's good. We have made progress. Anyway. Dragging me into 2024. The call was at 10.30. Yeah. At 10.20, I really didn't want to be late

because I really wanted an important call. Yeah. And I wanted to get all the time that we could possibly get with the team. So I was sat by my laptop at 10.20 and I went to check on the link and we have had a call with Apple before and they don't use Zoom or Google Meet. They use their own Apple platform.

Of course they do because they're Apple. They're cool. Yeah, they're so cool. So when I saw that it was on an Apple platform, I knew that this was gonna throw you. So I sent you a message, didn't I? First saying, the call is on the Apple platform. I didn't say it that slowly, I just texted it.

I should have. Dear Doris, the call is on. Not on Zoom, I repeat. You didn't say it's not on Zoom. You just said the call's on the Apple platform and I was like, yeah, there's a link. Obviously, why are you telling me like I'm 80? So why was I telling you?

You were obviously telling me because it wasn't on Zoom. Right. Yeah. It wasn't on Zoom. So I get on the call. I'm with the two people of the editorial team, Cal and Millie, great, and we're chatting and we're bantering and it's great and Lauren's not there

and I knew that they wanted to ask us something but we weren't quite sure what it was. So I had to wait for you to get on the call and obviously I'm like really keen to know what they wanted to say to us. And 10.33, Lauren's not there, 10.34, Lauren's not there. I'm like, oh, she's normally on time. I don't know where she is.

And then I made a joke about the fact that I'm head of tech and that you are not head of tech. And I said, so she might be a little bit confused about where we are. And then I get a call, then I get a text. I can't get on. I can't get on. What do I do?

So now I'm with the editorial team on Apple, a call we've been wanting for months and months and months. We're here. It's the moment. It's our big moment. And I'm having to text Lauren to say, type in www. Oh, it was, listen, it was really frustrating. I like clicked on, then it was like, your computer doesn't support this app, download this app. And then I'm texting you like, I've got to download an app. And I'm thinking, just fucking download it then.

Oh my God, but I'm gonna have to download it and I'm gonna have to install it. And then I wouldn't have to redo it. I was so kind of stressed by it. I know, you got on the call at 10.40. Yeah, I did. Sorry, Apple. Sorry, Apple. Sorry, Cal, sorry, Millie. Thanks know, you got on the call at 10.40. Yeah, I did. Sorry, Apple. Sorry, Apple.

Sorry, Cal. Sorry, Millie. Thanks for still putting us on spotlight, even though I'm technically backwards. They were actually very sweet about it. They were. They were very sweet about it. Anyway, so-

I think what it proved is that we really are the right hosts for a show on middle-aged. Yes! I think it was like an in time real life demo of how middle aged we are. What it feels like to be in your mid forties and confused. You know, you're not supposed to be confused in your mid forties.

I don't mean generally confused, just bamboozled by tech. Yeah. Some tech. You're right, we proved the point that we are the right people to host this show. We did. And we are the right people to host this show. We did. And we are. We are!

Let's get on to our second dilemma. Okay, here's the second question. I am furious. I've had a pretty big row with my best friend of 10 years. She said something quite unpleasant about my daughter that got back to me. Oh no, behind her back. And we haven't spoken now in over a week. Oh, don't slag off other people's kids, especially your best friend's kids. Anyone's kids. That's just a no-no. Anyone's kids. No, no. I draw the line at anyone's.

Because some children are revolting. Doesn't mean that you should slag them off. I'm sorry, but no. I disagree. No! Yesterday, I found out that my husband had texted her to justify my side of the story. Oh, that's terrible. And he told her how angry and upset I've been.

I am now also furious with him and he can't understand why. Do you ladies get why I am so fucked off? Yes! Yes! Yeah, I get it on both counts. Yes. A. Because your bezzy mate has slagged off your daughter and B, because your husband has now waded into the complex depths of female best friendship and like stuck his oar in

a place which I'm sure came from a place of like good intent and protection because A, he also loves the daughter and B, he can't bear seeing you so angry and frustrated and unhappy but also don't wade in between best female friendships. It's like getting in between two sisters or two brothers. You just don't go there. No, and now she's not only got to resolve the issue with her best friend and that whole mess, but she's now got to also kind of clean up the mess

that her husband's now made kind of worse. Well, has he made it worse? He might not have made it worse. I think it's just an added thing that actually, please don't overstep. This is not your place to protect me. I've got this and I can figure it out myself. He was just probably worried about her because she was really upset. And also that's probably leaking into the household. Come on. You know it is. it is massively why is her best friend highlighting best friend slagging off her daughter to somebody else that is

not the behavior of a best friend and if she's got a problem with her daughter my feeling is either shut your fucking mouth or take it to the actual friend. But why would you? I just think that is so low. That is so low. I don't know if I'd be able to get past that. It depends what she said. And it also depends on the source that told it to you. Are they reliable? Did they exaggerate? Was it a case of Chinese whispers? Was it actually something very banal and it's now been kind of twisted into something much worse by the person who told it to you? And also, who's the third wheel in this who's telling you? Because they need a talking to, don't they? Listen, you don't know. They could have a very close group of girlfriends. My oldest

friends were all a very close group of girlfriends. And if someone's had a row with someone, then the rest of us are generally talking about it and it's fine. And it's kind of fine. So if one of them said, oh, she said this about you, or they're like Chinese whispers going backwards and forwards, because we have all been friends for so many years, it's okay. But they're having a row because of this comment. Yes. And this comment only got back to her because someone else has meddled. Listen, I'm just putting it out there.

If someone who you and I both knew said something really unpleasant about one of your daughters, I would absolutely 100% not be repeating that to you. No way would I say that to you. It's not appropriate. I agree, I agree it's not appropriate. What am I achieving? I think there's an exception to every rule and it depends what's been said, why it's been said and who's saying it. And if they're saying something along the lines that are, that means that your daughter is at risk somehow. That's not something unpleasant. That's I need to tell you something your daughter is potentially in danger and I need to tell you. Well let's say oh I bumped into her and she seemed

really stoned or she'd been smoking loads of drugs, that kind of thing, which is not a nice thing to say about a kid. I'm just saying, I'm just like hypotheticals. Like, would you then tell the other person, oh, listen, I think your kid's smoking a lot of weed. You might want to speak to her. No. No?

No. No. Oh, you're very, very, very set on this. I just, I don't like, I don't like the person here who's meddling. Look, firstly, your best friend shouldn't be slagging off your kids, but I don't like the meddler. Hold on, hold on. What you're, you're actually focusing on the middleman. Yeah, I am. But the problem hasn't started with the middleman.

She's just delivering, or he is just delivering what's been said. Maybe. Don't shoot the messenger. Maybe it's what's been said. Well, maybe, but the best friend has said it. And that is- Has she? Or has she said a slightly different version of it that's then been twisted and manipulated?

Well, we don't know. We don't know. You don't know. There's two, it's too gray. What she's actually asking about is, do you agree that she is fucked off with her husband? And like, cause basically what he's probably done is like, I don't really understand why he's so fucked off. Like I was just trying to help him.

She's probably got herself in her head and confused. Like, well, should I be fucked off? Should I not be fucked off? Well, yeah, he's meddled in something he shouldn't have. But my feeling is his intent was good. I agree. And also maybe a little bit of self protection because she's obviously like rattling around the house in a foul mood, feeling really upset. And for his own peace and sanity, he wanted to sort it out. He wants it fixed so he gets his wife back. Right? Yeah. I think intention is everything. Yeah. Isn't it? So the intention of why is, what

is the best friend's intention of saying something about bad about her daughter? What is the intention of the messenger delivering it back? And what is the intention of the husband reaching out to the best friend? I think intention is everything. The intention of that messenger is not to help the mother of the daughter and not to help the person who said it.

You don't know because you don't know what was said. Tell me in what example could you give where she had a positive intention of relaying that message? I think I would want to know if someone very, very close to me is speaking badly about my kid. I think that is information you need because you don't need haters around you, you don't. Cause that's not cool.

And if you're trusting your life, I mean I trust my best friends with my life, they know every single thing about me, every thought, everything, I don't hold anything back from them and if there's bad intention around that, that is the sort of shit you need to know. What do you think she should do? I mean they haven't spoken now in a week. Well she's gonna and then then it's probably the no you can't tell her that I've told you there's probably all that she knows that's what they've had the row over. Well you don't know if they've had a row you just said she hasn't spoken. I've had a terrible row with my best friend.

Right so she has spoken in her for a week. They've had the confrontation. Yeah listen you'd like to think that the best friend is gonna acknowledge what she's done and take accountability and apologize. But she might say, well, you know, it's all true. Your daughter is X, Y, Z. Why do I have to apologize for that? Well, you can't put...

It's hard, isn't it? It's a hard one. I would never ever get past that. If that's how she's going to play it, I just couldn't get past it. that's my kid. I had some people over for dinner a while ago who I know really well like really well and the wife during the course of the evening said two not particularly pleasant things about my kids one which wasn't even accurate or true and the other one which was just actually a little bit unkind.

And I kind of just let it go. Was it in front of your kids? No, but it was in front of me and my husband. Were your kids there? No. So why would they suddenly say something unpleasant about your kids? One of them came home and he'd been out

and she said something inaccurate and not particularly kind. What did she say? You know what? I'm not even going to go into it. And then the little one was running around and she said something about him, which wasn't, it was like two words, but it wasn't nice. Has she got kids? Yes. Okay. It just wasn't very nice. But it was said in front of me and to my face and I kind of just let it go because we were in the middle of the evening and the next day I just thought that's fucking rude. That shit stays with you. That's fucking rude.

Yeah. I would never say that about your kids. It just wouldn't come out my mouth, especially in front of you. Even if I thought it. I might think it. I might say it to Ollie, but I'm not going to say it to you. I don't think it's ever okay to talk badly about someone's kids. Just like it's never okay to talk badly about someone's parents, someone's husband, someone's sibling. I just

don't think it's ever okay. I really don't. If you've got a problem with it, say it to somebody else or just don't fucking say it. You know, these people are, if someone said anything about my sister bad to me, honestly, I would not be able to get past it. Someone said something about my kids. You know, everyone's gonna have their feelings and they're entitled to that, but you know, you could get mom a bear about that shit. I did get a bit of mom a bear about it.

Yeah, and rightly so. Did you ever say anything to her? Because what you're gonna do, the problem is once the moment's passed. Exactly, no, I actually didn't, I didn't. The first thing she said, which was inaccurate and not very kind, I was like, actually, that's not true.

As she said it, I was like, no, that's actually not true. And the second thing I just let go, no, but you know what, it does, it sticks somewhere. And obviously I've seen them a million times since and it's moved on, but you do remember. You remember. You do remember. I remember I was at a dinner party a few months ago

and somebody said a derogatory comment about somebody else's son and to her, and she jumped on this guy immediately. She was fantastic about it. And she said, firstly, that's not true. Secondly, how dare you speak about my son like that when you actually don't even have all the information at hand. You don't know what you're talking about.

And thirdly, it's really unfair to speak about any child in that regard. I mean, she wiped the floor with him immediately. And then there was this whole like, well, I was actually in the kitchen with her husband at the time, we were washing up. And then we came back in and there was like this whole change in mood.

And we were like, what have we missed? And I didn't find out until the next day, but the mood really changed. And when she told me what she'd said to him, I was like, I'm so proud of you because I don't think I would have been able to jump to my kid's defense that quickly. I would have gone away, thought about it,

I thought, I wish I'd have said that. And then it's too late to say it. Because she really read him the riot act. And he was very apologetic. Good for her, because actually in the moment, listen, we know I'm not great with confrontation. No, I'm not either, but I would find that so hard in the middle of a nice

dinner party at someone's house to kind of do that, you know, even if it's the right thing to do or not, I don't know what the right answer is, but I would find that really hard. Well, he was very apologetic and he really saw the error of his ways. And he, even when they left, he said again, I am really sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you,

it was just a bad joke. Okay, you know what, that's really good. So she kind of- That's really good. Confronting it there and then kind of just put it to bed. Good, he acknowledged it, he accepted it, and he apologized. Okay, you can't ask for more than that.

No. I hope that this woman's best friend also acknowledges and apologizes and accepts that that wasn't okay. And as for the husband, listen, she'll sort it out with the husband, she's not gonna be cross with him for real. I feel like that's a little bit of a red herring. Yeah, but I think it's like exacerbated a situation

that's already a bit kind of fought. Absolutely. No. So that's our show on the 40ish. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to subscribe to our 40ish channel, you will find 40ish and you will find Self Care Club there so please go find that on Apple Podcasts. You'll get them both ad free. You're gonna get them both ad free. Lucky you. We're gonna keep adding to the

subscription as it grows, aren't we? And please come and follow us and subscribe and follow us on our social channels at 40ish.podcast. That's the one. You can find, thanks. You can find us anywhere or email us hello at 40ish, that's 40ish podcast. No, is that it? No. Hello at 40ish.co.uk. That's a nice email, isn't it?

Lovely, isn't it? Took us all day to set it up, but it is a nice email, I'm pleased we have. And we will be back next week with another episode. Thank you so much for listening. Did you know that the most prolific serial killer in modern history was born in Britain? Were you aware that nearly two murders happen every day in the UK? My name's Stuart Blues and I'm the host of British Murders, a true crime podcast focusing exclusively on British murder cases and serial killers.

Every Thursday I tell the detailed story of a British murder case within the bite-sized time frame of 15-30 minutes. That's British Murders, available to stream on your favourite podcast platform now.