40ish - The Penis Beaker, Babygirl and The Bad Vegetarian

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

This week on 40ish, we're bringing back the infamous "penis beaker" story that broke the internet and had a popular parenting website and national newspapers up in arms back in 2103! Lauren's giving the side-eye to the Babygirl plotline (and Nicole's on the same page for once!), plus we hear from a listener who's been sneaking meat to her vegetarian husband. Things are getting wild! We would love to hear from you! To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch at: Email [e-mail] Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/share/DVQWb6y2vesgeHEK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d  To order our book HAVE YOU TRIED THIS?” click here  https://www.amazon.co.uk/Have-You-Tried-This-Only/dp/1801293139/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1O7EA4ZF1O5CS&keywords=have+you+tried+this&qid=1699449028&sprefix=have+you+tried+%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-2 Go to ZOE.com to find out what ZOE Membership could do for you. You can use the exclusive code 40ISH10 to get 10% off membership. As a ZOE member, you’ll get an at-home test kit and personalized nutrition program to help you make smarter food choices that support your gut. Use 40ISH10 at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's so embarrassing that I would never have told anyone, but I feel like if I don't share it, it's not, it's almost not fair. We're too deep into this podcast with worrying about what we've shared. Nicole, that's a nice speaker. That's just like the one that Steve dunks his cock in after we have sex And now she's probably gone home and been like You can't undo it I'm sorry to tell you you can't undo it. I'm so aware of that Thanks, but thanks for Thanks for pointing it out. Hello everybody. Welcome to 40ish. I'm Nicole Goodman.

And I'm Lauren Mishcon. This is the podcast that navigates challenges and absurdities of 40-something life. And we try and solve all of your dilemmas. We do attempt to. We do. We give it our best shot. Yeah. To really middle-aged, really opinionated women. Every episode we discuss your problems, your issues, your rants that you have kindly shared with us and we divulge our own stories about the problems and the mess of navigating midlife. What's been going on this weekend? I want to talk about the film Baby Girl with you. The Nicole Kidman show, er film? Yes, yes. I don't know much about it. I found it

problematic on many levels. Okay, what's it about? Well, the first thing was I thought I was going to see We Live in Time. A friend of mine booked it. We sat in cinema, we watched the previews, the title sequence came up. What's We Live in Time? It's the one about the cancer with Andrew Garfield and Florence Pugh. You had me at Andrew Garfield. I thought I was going to see that. So then the title comes up, Baby Girl 18 and I whisper over to my friend, we're in the wrong cinema. She's like, no, this is what I booked. You misread the text. I was like, Oh, we're watching porn

instead of cancer. Is that what it's about? It's about Nicole Kidman. She's a CEO boss bitch. Yeah. She's in her fifties. Oh yeah. She has a body of an 18 year old and I mean a good 18 year old. And it's like an 18 year old who works out. Yeah. And doesn't eat much. Um, and an intern comes into her company. He's young, very young. Like, is he hot? Well, this is the problem. Oh, he wasn't hot. This is the problem. Okay. This is what you want to talk to me about. Yeah. He's very young, almost the same age, I'd say, as my son.

No, but this is the thing is you have adult sons. Yeah. Right. So you're not going to find some young, hot intern, hot. You're just not because that could be your son. That's not true. He's played by Harris Dickinson. He's a British actor, but he's playing American. Now, here's the problem, Nicole. Here's not true. He's played by Harris Dickinson. He's a British actor, but he's playing American. Now, here's the problem, Nicole. Here's the problem. Very first scene of the movie, Nicole Kidman is having sex with her husband, who is Antonio Banderas. Hello! With a beard.

Thank you. As if he couldn't get better. He grows a beard, hairy chest. Oh, I mean, anyway, I love a beard. She pretends she's having a great time, but she's not actually having a great time. And then she goes off into the office, watches some porn and has a great time on her own afterwards. They've been married for 20 years. And I'm thinking, this is all a bit peculiar. Anyway, this intern walks into the office, they start this like sub Dom affair. She's the sub, he's the Dom, he makes her drink milk. That's all very weird because who nowadays is drinking a full glass of lactose. Like, it was it almond milk? It was like fucking normal milk, right? See, that's problematic to begin with, because I reckon now it would be the unsweetened barista,

either almond milk, coconut milk, oat milk. It's not like that. They're in a bar and he just a glass of milk arrives at the bar. Why she got to drink milk? Because it's a subdom thing. It's like you do what I say. Right. Anyway, he's not really dumb enough. Okay. Like he does. He also to do stuff. She's like, she's like, no. And he's like, okay, don't do it then. No, no, that's not how this works. Is that what she's, she, that's how it goes. Yeah. And all the time I'm sitting in the cinema thinking you've got Antonio Banderas at home with a beard on tap, who's literally pestering her for sex every single night there in bed. And you are mucking around with this kid who doesn't even really know how to do this whole thing. What a problem. And I said to my friend, I was like,

why doesn't she just stick a blindfold on? Because she's got this thing about having her eyes covered and tell him what she likes. They've been married for 20 years. It would just be fine. Anyway, this whole thing plays out and you can imagine it all plays out. And then in the very, very No, no, no, no, no spoilers. Okay. I'm just saying no spoilers. She could have saved a lot of time, trouble and mess. Oh, well you've spoiled it now. That was, that was, so we leave the cinema. So we leave the cinema, right? The film for every one of us listening. We leave the cinema. Yeah. And there are these two girls in their early twenties also leaving the cinema. Yeah. And I couldn't help myself. I was

like, excuse me. I was like, did you, did you find him hot? Harris Dickinson, is he hot? And they were like, yeah, he's quite hot. I said, okay, I think it's just my age. I said, what about Antonio Banderas? Hot. And they were like, who was he? Who was he? I'm like, the husband. They were like, was he the husband? I was like, yeah, the husband, you know, really, really, yeah. And they were like, oh yeah, he was really sweet. Yeah, but they don't know. They don't know. I said, was he good looking? They just didn't get it. Well, he wasn't great in a Vita. No, I got in the car. Other than that, he's great. I just, I'm telling you now, I got in the car and I felt really 40ish, like deeply to my soul. So when you fancy the husband because he's

more age appropriate than the young guy that she's having it off with. Yeah, the young guy who's doing all the sex stuff. But they shouldn't have put, why are they putting Antonio Banderas there? They should have just put someone like less attractive. Totally. Or a bit more bland. Antonio Banderas is Antonio Banderas. Thank you.

So you've seen my problem. It's not a problem. It is totally appropriate that you feel that way. And also with the beard. I know. Antonio Banderas with a beard. I ain't going anywhere. I was like I wouldn't even notice the intern if I've got Antonio Banderas at home. I seriously what's your problem Nicole Kidman? What is your problem?

Before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer, we are not doctors or healthcare professionals. This is a fun space where we share our thoughts. So if there is an issue that you are seriously struggling with, please do contact a qualified expert. Right, I want to kick off with a question today for clarity. this question is actually from a popular parenting forum and it was posted by a woman called Sarah way back in the year 2013, so 12 years ago. How did you get hold of this? Well, because I remembered it because when it happened, it basically crashed the website and it became a national talking point.

And it was so long ago that I just feel like the listeners of this show may never have heard it or would have heard it and forgotten it so I'm bringing it here to discuss. The question that Sarah put on this popular parenting forum was do you dunk your penis? And this was what she wrote. I considered changing my name for this, but fuck it. I love her. We have a dedicated post sex clean up area on the bedside table, a box of tissues, a small bin and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning slash dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me. Apparently my friends

say that our penis beaker is strange and not the dumb thing. Does everyone else just lie there in a sticky post-coital glow until morning? Really? Yeah. The most surprising thing about that is that she thinks everyone else is weird and that the dunking of the penis in a beaker is normal. Okay. Please tell me that's not a thing in your house. It is not a thing in my house. One. Let me just clarify that from the start. Shall we ask James? Is that a thing in your house? No, it's not even a thing in my head.

Let's start with that premise. Okay. These, I didn't even know this was a thing. These are some of the questions that this brought up for me and tell me what you think about this. Number one, is it like, because they're British, we're all British, and so we have this psychological association with like tea and biscuit dunking, that we do it as a kind of muscle memory thing. So it does it feel normal? Because we're into dunking. Is that normal? Secondly, how does he dunk? Does he... I reckon he stands up. Okay, that's what I thought. Because if he doesn't stand up, he's going to spill.

So you're saying penis to beaker or beaker to penis? No, no. He must stand up. Beaker is on the bedside table and then he must squat down. Oh, I see. What did you think? Oh, he brings the Beaker to the penis. Yeah, I'm saying Beaker to penis or penis to Beaker. I've just, I've just flown above myself. And you're seeing it from above. Seeing the macro vision. Yeah. And you know, I don't feel proud. Don't feel proud. You don't? No, not of this

conversation. Okay. But we're in it now. We're in it now. And thirdly, and possibly... I've also got a question. This is to me is the most important question. How, in the scheme of like going through life and chatting to your friends, did she come to the conclusion, apparently this is not normal? she come to the conclusion, apparently this is not normal. I'm imagining like she's at her friend's house for a coffee morning and they're all sitting there chatting. And then she says, Oh, Nicole, that's a nice speaker. That's just like the one that Steve dunks his cock in after we have sex. And she's like, what? What are you talking about? Because otherwise, how? I can't. How does this conversation stop saying the word cock on this podcast? We've got to stop now. Okay, we'll stop. But how does that chat come up? Okay, I reckon it's more like you're talking

about your sex life. Okay, occasionally you do with your girlfriends. Yeah, right. And then she probably let's play that out. Hey, we had sex last with your girlfriends. Yeah, right. And then she probably... Let's play that out. Hey, we had sex last night. No, let's not. Great. Good for you. No.

Well, then she would say, oh, I've got to do it, have I? So then she says, oh, you know, I don't know. Do you see what I mean? Unless you spot a similar beaker. Also, Nicole, who's washing that beaker? You're talking about post-coital. I have a question about the post-coital. Sticky? It's not sticky. Definitely sticky. It's not sticky all night. Why? Because it isn't. No, because it isn't. It isn't. I'd say it probably is. Belly sticky? No, I'm not the owner of a penis. So I don't know how long it stays. I don't know. But you would know if it was sticky. Once they've gone to sleep, I have no interest in it after that.

Like whether it is, it isn't. Not my problem. You have little interest before they've gone to sleep. It's not my problem afterwards. It's not my problem. Who's washing the beaker, Nicole? It was the post-coital sticky mess, she said. Yeah. Okay, I can't go into this with you. Now you can't go into it with me. That's rich. Last week we talked about throbbing cocks, which you brought up.

It's messy. This week you're now talking about dunking penises. But now she's got a boundary. Now she can't go into it. I don't have a boundary, but I'm just saying it can be messy. Messy. Yes. Sticky. No, it's not sticky. Do they have a cat? Sorry?

You know what cats do. If you have like a glass of water next to your bed, the cats always come up and drink from your glass of water next to your bed. Do they have a cat? I bet they don't because if they had a cat, they wouldn't have a penis beaker. Just it brought up so much for me. I just so much. What were the comments? I want to see what people have said.

I don't know. It went on for years because basically nobody has a penis beaker. But if you're listening to politicians and you do have a penis beaker, please, please write to us. Can I just say, we might not know. What do you mean? We might not know. This might be totally normal. It's not normal. But it might be. You don't know because as we just role played very badly, how would it even come up? So it could be normal. There could be people

all around the world that have penis beakers and we don't know anything about it. It could be a normal community. Also, why penis dunkers? She's in the bathroom doing what she needs to do afterwards. So when she comes out the bathroom, he could then go to the bathroom. It's not that much of an emergency that you need to dunk it in a beaker, right? It's not a penis emergency, is it? You know, there are moments, right, when I think about what I do for a living. And I've got to tell you, this is one of them. I'm just putting it out to the 40ish listeners. If you dunk your penis, your partner dunks

their penis, or you know anyone who has a penis beaker, please, please tell us about it because I am totally invested in the concept. Hello everybody. If you are enjoying this episode, could we please request that you share it with a friend who you think could do with a laugh. Lauren, you know me and you know when it comes to answering the listeners dilemmas and when it comes to food I always trust my gut and I also trust Zoe, the leading size and nutrition company. All the nutritionists that we've spoken to on Self Care Club have highlighted just how much misleading information is out there when it comes to food. Things like the claims that

you see on packaging that say things like low sugar or nothing artificial. These are often assigned to actually avoid these foods. Ever noticed a health claim on fresh fruit? No, never. Right, well you get my point. So it's completely understandable why there's so much distrust and wondering who you should turn to for accurate information. Well, it's very simple. It's not a dilemma for us. We use Zoey. Backed by one of the world's largest microbiome databases and most scientifically advanced

at-home gut health tests, Zoey gives you proven science whenever you need it. Go to zoey.com and find out what Zoey membership could do for you. And because you listen to 40ish, you can use the exclusive code 40ish10 at checkout to get 10% off membership. As a Zoe member, you'll get an at-home test kit and personalized nutrition program to help you make smarter food choices that support your gut. That's z-o-e dot com, use code 40ish10 at checkout. Trust your gut, trust Zoe.

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where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. I mean, you're very chatty today. Yeah. Aren't you? Yeah. You've got a lot to talk about. Yeah. I have. So you got something else to tell me? Yeah. Something else 40 ish that's happened to you. If you say the word cock or penis, I'm going to leave. Neither of those things are involved or vagina. No, that's not involved either. Can we just keep it clean? It's so PG but it's so embarrassing. I just need one segment. It's clean. It is clean. It's so PG, but it's so embarrassing. One segment that is clean.

It's you. It's universal, suitable for all. It's so embarrassing that I would never have told anyone, but I feel like if I don't share it, it's almost not fair not to share it. I think we're too deep into this podcast with worrying about what we've shared. In fact, compared to penisbeaker, maybe it's okay. It's not okay. Cause it happened to me. It's really embarrassing.

Just come on. Okay. I went to the hygienist. She's a lady hygienist. She's she's Scottish. She's quite formidable. She's quite scary. So embarrassing.

Oh my God. So I, I really don't know. She's quite scary. So embarrassing. Oh my God. So I really don't like going. I'm like so embarrassed. I can't wait. I'm like on the edge of writing. I am all ears. I really don't like. If I was a cartoon character, big ears would pop up now and light up. I really don't like going to the hygienist. I actually, the older I get, the more traumatizing I find it. I don't know why, because she's

very nice, but she's like, she's quite scary. Just come on, stop it. Get on with it. She finishes, she finishes the thing, the clean and, and I take off my bib, you know, they would give you a paper bib. What did you do? Put your hand out. And she put her hand out. Put your hand out. She put her hand out. And I was like feeling a bit like off the thing.

And I held her hand. She wanted the bib. And it was only like, listen, I only held hands with her for about three or four seconds, but it felt like about two minutes. You could never unhold her hand now. And then she sort of let go of my hand and I realized, I know this all happened within the space of under 10 seconds, but what happened was we like held hands forever. Then she let go of my hand. Then I realized we'd been holding hands and then I realized she just wanted my bib.

She'd put out her hand for the bib. And she was polite enough to not say, can I have your bib? No one wanted to say, why are you holding my hand? You're a grown woman. And, and I couldn't say, I'm sorry for holding your hand. I didn't realize you wanted my bib. So no one said anything. I Just paid and left

What did you do with the bib did you take it with you in shame Did you walk out the door with the bib please say you did please? Did you please say you did? Oh? Would have loved a photo of you walking out in the hygienist with the bib still on. It was really embarrassing. Did you have the bib? Even if you didn't, just lie and say you did. I had to.

Thank you. It's making me feel sick. What she doesn't know this hygiene is, is that you are the last person who would ever hold anyone's hand. I know the last person to show any affection, especially to a stranger. It just wouldn't happen. It was embarrassing. Oh, it's fantastic. It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. How long have you been going to her?

Years. Years. Years. She cleans the children's teeth. Years. And now she's probably gone home and been like, there was a weird woman who held hands with me. You can't undo it, I'm sorry to tell you, you can't undo it. I'm so aware of that. Thanks, but thanks for pointing it out. Thanks for pointing it out. I think you'll have to read the second question because I don't think I can go. Oh, so funny. Okay. My husband has been a strict vegetarian since he was 11.

Recently, he had surgery and has been in a haze of painkillers and bedrest. My mum being the saint she is brought over dinner for the family. So I delivered him up hearty plate of spaghetti bolognese. He gobbled it up with no complaints. Oh dear. It wasn't until later that I checked with mum. Turns out the corn mints was actually a meaty mix of beef and pork. Of course he gobbled it up. It sounds delicious.

So the million dollar question, do I fess up after 30 years of meat free devotion or let him live in blissful, lentil loving ignorance? Say nothing. Say nothing. Never tell him. He's probably gonna say, oh, you know that lovely bolognese that your mum made? Can she whip up another batch? Because that was the best bolognese I've ever eaten. What's her secret? Dead animals. Never tell him, never tell him. And also tell your mum to never tell him. What if he finds out? How? How will he ever find out? What if it slips out of her mum's mouth? What if her mum just can't hold the weight of the secret and she says, okay,

I have to confess. I gave you a week. Yeah. And then he says to his wife, why didn't you tell me? Well, she then you just go like, how could you know that Steve's been vegetarian since he was 11. You can't throw your mother onto the bus. I would. That is disgusting. You can't throw Jackie under the bus. I'd have to. Jackie, if Jackie let it slip, if I said to Jackie outright,

Mom, never, ever, ever tell about the meat. If your mom could hold a good secret. My mom would hold it. She'd take it to the grave. Also, my mum would know if my husband of many years was a vegetarian. Why is she making a meaty dish to feed the whole family? Maybe she's like, oh, he's too in a painkiller haze. Maybe she made it for everybody else who actually wants to eat meat. Maybe the vegetarian doesn't need to dictate what the whole family eats.

So she's made a dish for her daughter and the grandchildren, but not the husband who's had an operation. Like that's not her problem. Well, it sounds like it. That's a bit mean. Is that mean she's making dinner for the family? I don't think that's mean. I make about 16 dinners a night. I know you do.

You know, I can't control the frustration with it any longer. OK, here we are. It's spilling out of me. I just cannot with the the meal times and the sittings and the clearing up and I basically start cooking from like 530 and then I don't finish clearing up until about half past eight. There was an amazing little Instagram video which was called feeding kids in the 80s and it was a grandma, a young grandma, who was feeding the grandchildren of now.

So she's like, here's dinner. There's meatloaf, ding. There's squash, ding. And she lifts up these silver things. And here's a big portion of nothing. So you got this, this or this. And one of the girls is like, oh, I was really like craving sushi tonight.

And she was like, well, you can have yourself a big nothing roll from this plate. And this other kid's like, I don't like meatloaf. Okay, have the nothing. And then the other kid's like, I'm allergic to squash. She's like, no, no, no, no, we don't do allergies in this household. No one has time for allergies. He's like, I really am allergic. She's like, great, have the nothing then.

And I thought, yeah, I get it. I totally get it. That was how I was raised. So now what happens is because I refuse, I refuse to make a million dishes. So my eldest daughter, she's like, okay, well, I'll just make myself something then. Okay. So she does. So she cooks for herself. Does she clear it up? Well, she thinks shoving it all in the sink and wiping the top down is clearing it up. She'll learn when she has her own house. Well, she'll learn before then because I'm losing patience with it. Yeah, I'm not down with that. So I'm not down with it. Well, I'm not either. It's what I have made. So if there is now a vegetarian in my house as well, it's like you can forget it. Well, he's the husband. She did marry a vegetarian. She knew upon

marriage he was a meat free kind of guy. She said since he was 11. Yeah. I know someone married to a vegetarian. I'd find it very tricky. I'd find it so boring. I'd find it tricky. I have to say. Me too. Yeah. So, but maybe, maybe the problem is him. Yeah. I'm kidding. All the vegetarians come out of the woodwork. Obviously I am kidding. I think it's great that he's a vegetarian and I absolutely respect that. I think there's been, when I've had like very kosher people around, you're not allowed to mix milk and meat for like a couple of hours after. And I think I realized after that in the desserts, I'd put a milky butter in. So they had mixed the milk and meat and I never said anything because it was an accident.

That was tutting. That's not nice. Anyway, they never found out. Well, they know now. Well, they don't know who it was. You know, if this guy really didn't enjoy his meaty bolognese, he could always swish his mouth out with the beaker that's on his bedside table. Listen, that is, you know what? I'm done now. I'm done with being filthy. Just it's filthy. Stop it. Stop it. It's filthy. Listen, we are coming back on Monday with a 40-inch unfiltered. We are. Yeah. This is a new show. You are welcome. I mean, it was a bit silly last week, wasn't it? Very funny. It's a little chaotic, but that's okay. We actually had live feedback from one of the men in the studio. He told us that was a man walked in and was like, I really enjoyed that.

We were like, what? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, it was filthy, but I enjoyed it. Okay, great. So hopefully you will too. I mean, that's just one person who enjoyed it. We only need about a million more. person who enjoyed it. We only need about a million more. But we will be back on Monday with a brand new episode, so stay tuned for that. And then we'll be back on Thursday with a new episode of Lot More Dwellemers. Have a great weekend. Bye.