40ish - Trapeze s*x with Zac Efron & dishwashers

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

This week on 40ish: Lauren and Nicole contemplate if it's appropriate to fancy Zac Efron, Nicole fixed her own dishwasher and a listener has to choose between her dog or her boyfriend. We would love to hear from you!  To share your dilemmas, rants, funny stories or general complaints about midlife please be in touch at: Email [e-mail] Instagram https://www.instagram.com/40ish.podcast  TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@40ish.podcast Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/share/DVQWb6y2vesgeHEK/?mibextid=LQQJ4d  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Red One... We're coming at you. ...is the movie event of the holiday season. Santa Claus has been kidnapped? You're gonna help us find him. You can't trust this guy. He's on the list. Is that Naughty Lister? Naughty Lister?

Dwayne Johnson. We got snowmen! Chris Evans. I might just go back to the car. Let's save Christmas. I'm not gonna say that. Say it. Alright.

Let's save Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. You've always wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself. You live for experience. And lead by example. You want the most out of life and realize what you're looking for is already in you.

This is for you. The Canadian Armed Forces. A message from the Government of Canada. Ditch the dog or the dick dick listen it was all fine apart from the one time when the dog did what lick my bum is it ever appropriate at the age of 47 to have a crush on Zac Efron in Greatest Showman? If you can't do a downward dog, there's going to be plenty of other things you also can't do with Zac Efron. I'm just saying. Before we jump into the show, we're very excited and honoured to tell you that we're currently part of Spotlight.

Spotlight is a project from Apple Podcasts which highlights a creator or creative team every few months and they have chosen us for this autumn. Apple's editorial team believes you're going to want to be spending a lot more time with us and we definitely want to spend more time with you. So they kindly put us together. Thank you Apple Podcasts. We really hope you're enjoying this new show and we really hope that you stick around to talk about all things midlife. And don't forget you can listen ad-free to both this show and Self Care Club when you subscribe to our channel. Hello everybody, welcome to 40ish. I'm Nicole Goodman and i'm lauren mishkun this is the brand new podcast that navigates the challenges and absurdities of 40 something life and solves all of your dilemmas or we attempt to we have been attempting to i think we're doing a great job we've been trying hard we have in the coming weeks we're going to discuss your problems your issues

your rounds that you have kindly shared with us and we're going to share our own stories about our own way of navigating midlife. And if you're new to the show then a big big welcome to you. Thank you for joining us and please do go and follow the show for new episodes every week. How are you this week? I am okay. I have done something amazing what really really amazing and I think it screams like independent middle-aged woman who is crushing life have you got another dog oh I'm so desperate for another dog I am so desperate for another dog but we're not allowed to talk about it because my dog keeps pooing in your bedroom. And I feel like if I even discuss getting another dog with you, then you will be like,

why don't you train the one you've got? Well, I mean, take your own advice. Okay, I don't even need to say it. Right, well, that's why I'm not discussing it with you. Okay, okay, good. What have you done then? I have fixed my own dishwasher by watching a YouTube video. Why?

What do you mean why? Such a blue job. Why didn't you just get Adam to do it? He was away. A man? An appliance? No, I don't need a man. Okay?

I don't need a man because I am an independent woman. I'm going to burst into Beyonce. Here we go honestly I felt like I had ruled the world what was wrong with it? really?

yeah I mean this is not really yeah I'm now gonna sit on this podcast and talk about what was wrong

with my dishwasher I tell you what let me tell you what was wrong with the dishwasher and then what we should do is we should submit that piece of audio

for the awards that's perfect ballpark I don't fucking know was it a mechanical issue was it a drawer issue was it a piece of fallen off issue a piece of fallen off issue it was a blockage issue oh okay yeah you had to go into that gunji bit at the bottom at the back i hate no i had to go into the gunji bit at the bottom of the front yes and i had to syringe out this gloopy water oh i do that all the time oh shut up no you do not i actually do and it's no you don't yes i do no no don't shit on my parade sorry i did it's fucking gross it looks like porridge what is that stuff even it's gross i'm not sure i believe you don't believe

me i'm telling you you crouch down how'd you do that with your frozen shoulder fuck off i do it with the other arm i turn the thing to the left it's like a a round bit and you have to press down and turn to the left and lift out the whole filter and you have to take it apart rinse the whole thing through and put it all back together again oh okay i did not do that okay okay i lent i got down on all fours nice post back up i will say right i had to open there's a little door oh there's a little door to narnia on the bottom of your dishwasher who knew i don't think i have one it fills with water and there's like a sensor there okay once the water has gone up it cuts the center

sensor so it stops the dishwasher i see i mean really drainage issues you had drainage issues what did i say blockage issues yeah more drain anyway i then got oh here's an interesting fact because you always take the piss about my neurofen syringes oh you're fucking what because you've got no one you know like the cowpole syringes the five-year're fucking, what, because you've got no one under the, you know, like the cow pole syringes that you, for five-year-olds. No, no, no, no,

that's not kind. That's not kind. You don't have five-year-olds anymore. Excuse me, your 21-year-old will not take a pill. He can't swallow a pill, but they don't give him cow pole.

What do you give him then? He crushes up like an ibuprofen. I'm just saying, people in glass houses shouldn't fucking throw stones. It's the stones you keep the syringes 20 of them my youngest daughter will not take a pill so i still have cowpole mash it in jam

no no no no no she won't listen she won't she she just won't yeah okay yeah i've i've learned to pick my fucking battles yeah right this has got to do with the dishwasher? Because, because the beauty of it is such a tiny little door. Yeah. And it was such a tiny little entrance. Yeah. That I actually, the only way to get the water out is I syringed it out with one of those cow pole syringes.

Okay. That was very innovative. Thank you. Now, had I listened to my friend, Laura Mishcon, she would have had me chuck them all away. And there you go.

I have proved the point that you should stay out my fucking drawers. I will stay out your fucking drawers. Should we move on to our first dilemma? Yeah. Just before we dive into your dilemmas, a quick disclaimer. We're not doctors or healthcare professionals. We're just numpties. And it's just a fun space where we are just all sharing our thoughts together.

Which could be totally wrong. Which often are probably totally wrong. But if there is an issue that you are seriously struggling with, please do contact a qualified expert. Okay, here we go. Oh, I can see it's nice and highbrow today. Ditch the dog or the dick? Dick.

Seriously. Hi, lady. Do you want to hear the problem first? Listen, let me give you the answer before I've even heard the question. And let's see. Let's go back at the end and see if I still say the same thing. You will never be loved like your dog loves you. And you will never love anything like you love your dog.

So it's dog. Hi, ladies. I have a problem. Go on. I'm 42 and I have a beautiful three-year-old miniature dachshund called Bertie. Oh, Bertie. I had a miniature dachshund when I was young, so I'm already in love with Bertie.

And a new boyfriend who is also quite beautiful, but not called Bertie. Okay. Okay. He remains anonymous. Okay. He doesn't really like dogs. I mean, I don't need her to go any further.

Like to me, bye bye. Bye bye. See ya. Sayonara. Don't let the door slam on your ass on the way out. Sorry, but what kind of psychopath doesn't like a dog? I don't trust people that don't like dogs agreed i really really really don't agree what is that about could you ever marry a man who didn't like dogs i don't even think i would date a man that

didn't like a dog that is an absolute non-fucking starter that and smoking i i'd rather live with a smoker than someone who hates dogs both are non-negotiables bertie is quite protective of me and having been single for a while he's used to being the only male sleeping in my bed right he likes to burrow under the duvet oh my dash hunted exactly the same we used to have to tuck him in at night oh he was so cute he does not like my boyfriend staying over he growls and barks at him when he comes into the bedroom go bertie i reluctantly shut him out the room when we have sex as my boyfriend says he can't perform with bertie staring at him as he growling as he feels judged he probably is judged bertie is not allowed to stay over at my boyfriend's place,

so I can't break the territory issues by moving the location. My general feeling is that Bertie might be around for longer than the boyfriend. What should I do? Bertie is definitely going to be around longer than the boyfriend. Dump him. Dump him. Is that it? I told you.

Right, now let's revert back to my answer beforehand. Dog. The dog. Dog or the dick? The dog. I am keeping Bertie over a boyfriend who doesn't like dogs. Like dogs. And says things like, I feel like I'm being judged when the dog watches us have sex.

We've all had sex in front of our dogs. Let's not be weird about it. It's perfectly normal. And it's fine. They're dogs. They don't understand what they're seeing. And it's fine. They're dogs. They don't understand what they're seeing and it's fine.

Why are you staring at me like that? Because I've had a dog for 15 years. He sleeps in my bedroom. He has until very recently because he's very old slept in our bed and over the course of 15 years

he's been educated. Nice. Listen listen he's a dog adam look i without going into too much detail i i also don't need the dog in the bedroom i don't need the dog in the bedroom i just now i am obsessed with my dog and she does sleep on our bed yeah and we are like she is like our baby yes And we treat her like our baby. Yes. But she doesn't need to be in the bedroom when we're having sex. What do you do? Shut her out?

Yeah. Oh, we've never shut him out. Listen, it was all fine apart from the one time when the dog did. What? Lick my bum. And my legs. And at that point, I thought, we love the dog, but the dog's getting too involved and he had to leave.

The dog's getting involved? He had to leave. He had to leave. Too involved. What's not too involved? He had to leave. He had to leave. He was removed promptly at that point.

Oh, Barker, I can't. Oh, Barker's fine. I just think this boyfriend, to me to me is a non-starter yeah i agree person and you are dating someone who is a non-dog person it's a non-fucking starter yeah one of my closest friends she doesn't love dogs she doesn't and so every time she came to my house and you know when i got miley i it was like a whole love affair had happened in my life. Like she opened my heart and like, you know. You were a bitch beforehand. She changed my entire world.

I just fell so head over heels in love with this dog. So my friend, Sarah, she kept calling the dog It. Oh, It's in here. Oh, what's It going to eat? Oh, no, I don't like that. So I said to her only once. And I said to her, if and i said to her if you call the love of my life it one more time you and i can't be friends and respect to her she has never

referred to her as it ever again it isn't very kind i wouldn't even say it's about a cat and i'm not a big cat person but i would still respectfully call it a him or a her. Or a they them, if the cat identified in that way. Thank you for clarifying. I wouldn't say it. Anyway, she doesn't anymore. Okay. And she's really not. And she's also, she's taken to Miley a bit more.

She's allowed Miley to be in the house, in her house. Okay. That was a big thing. She even wiped Miley's paws once. And I was like, you are in love with Miley. She goes, look, I'm not in love with her yeah but i accept that you love her and so therefore i i am more i warm to her more yeah i understand that the thing is we're not together we're not a couple who are you and your friend sarah no this lady she might get a new boyfriend and he might be really into

dogs but bertie is still not going to like the fact that this man whichever man is is sleeping over and maybe Bertie doesn't like this guy because this guy doesn't like Bertie no I think Bertie has got used to being top of the pack and Bertie is going to have to learn some manners and she is going to have to deal with that issue because she will at some point want a man in her bed he might be a very nice man who loves dogs but he also isn't going to want to be growled or barked at, and he shouldn't be. That's not okay behavior in Bertie.

Leave Bertie alone. You see, so judgy when it comes to badly trained dogs. And children. And dogs that shit in your room. You're so judgmental about it. I don't like badly trained dogs and badly raised children. But I think this guy, yeah, he's not a Bertie lover. He's got to go.

He's got to go. Got to go. Learn to love Bertie. Team Bertie. All the way. This is an ad by BetterHelp. What comes to mind when you hear the word gratitude? Maybe it's a daily practice or maybe it feels hard to be grateful right now.

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now. I have a question. Yeah? A bit of a weird question. I feel a bit uncomfortable about asking you, actually. Like, is it ever appropriate at the age of 47 to have a crush on Zac Efron

in Greatest Showman? I realise it's a really old film, but I watched it the other day with my daughter, and I haven't seen it for years, and honestly, I was proper crushing over Zac Efron. Totally appropriate.

He is so fucking hot. And actually, he's not that young. He is in High School Musical, so it's like... Ah, but you were watching that. No, I wasn't watching that, but how is it the same? No, because you watch High School Musical,

he's a kid, which you would never crush over because that is totally inappropriate, but suddenly he's in Greatest Showman with all the muscles and the trapeze and everything that's going on you're like i am so fucking into this version of zach efron and i am too old for that he's 36 and now oh that's okay you're gonna ask me how do you know that he's 36 well i know that he's 36 because i had to google it on saturday afternoon because on Saturday afternoon, I decided to watch A Family Affair, which is like this new movie he's done with Nicole Kidman.

And he plays this really bratty movie star. And he has this PA and then he has an affair with the PA's mom and the PA's mom is Nicole Kidman. She is the most fabulous looking 57 I think I've ever seen in my life. What a body. Banging. And he is 36. And I had to Google it. So there's 20 years.

Yeah. But in the film they pretend there's 16 years. But it's also Nicole Kidman and she is so hot. Oh my God. I don't know who I would want to have sex with more. She looks amazing in this film. But the thing is. I also had to Google.

She looks amazing in every film. How old he was. Because because i felt a bit like is he too young to be serious i'm deadly serious actually had the same question in our minds this week yeah it's quite is it appropriate the thing was they've done such weird shit to both of their faces that when they're kissing in the movie all i was thinking was like can they actually feel that they're kissing in the movie all i was thinking was like can they actually feel that they're kissing because they both look amazing in body but very peculiar in the face nicole kerman does i haven't seen her face look weird anyway whatever i'm just saying a greatest showman his face doesn't look weird his body doesn't look weird he's great he's an absolutely perfect specimen agreed i mean he almost makes h Hugh Jackman look unattractive, which is a very hard thing to do.

No, because he's an immensely attractive guy. But I'm just saying next to Zac Efron in Greater Showman. It's a different vibe. It's just a different vibe. It's fine. Anyway. Yeah. I was actually considering what it would take.

What would I be up for the trapeze? Would I really be up for, I mean, I would like to think that I would do quite well on the trapeze with Zac Efron. You're taking that Zendaya role. I can't rock the hot pants that she wears in the scene. What about the leotard? I reckon that's okay with a pair of leggings over it oh I see I have to suck it in a bit more than Zendaya really and I'm not sure we're gonna have the chemistry that they have but I'd like but I

would like to give it a go can I just say with my frozen shoulder I can't do the trapeze oh that's a shame I'll tell you what I do like in The Greatest Showman. I really like the scene with the girl from Dawson's Creek, the wife, with the billowing clean sheets on the rooftop. What is her name? Can't remember. Girl from Dawson's Creek. What the fuck is her name? I like the gentle ballroom dancing on the rooftop

amongst the clean, lovely, fresh smelling, billowing washing. That's more my vibe. The washing. Because at my age, and also I don't like heights, the trapeze is not for me. So hold on. So you're going to do the washing. Yes.

Peg it up and then dance with Hugh Jackman in the sheets. Whilst I'm having sex with Zac Efron on a trapeze. I'm not saying I'm not jealous, but I'm just saying only one of my shoulders currently works and I can't do trapeze. I'm sorry. Only one of my shoulders currently works and I can't do trapeze. I'm sorry. To be honest with you, I do wonder what my physio would say if I told her I was about to step onto the trapeze because at the moment she won't even let me do a downward dog.

If you can't do a downward dog, there's going to be plenty of other things you also can't do with Zac Efron. I'm just saying. there's going to be plenty of other things you also can't do with Zac Efron. I'm just saying. Okay, next question. What have we got for our second dilemma? Is it him or me?

Him. It's dog and him. It's him. I'm telling you it's him. I don't know what you're going to say. The other night, I really wasn't feeling well so i went to bed early leaving my husband and our youngest child on the sofa together the next morning i asked my husband if our son was up he said his bed was made so he must still be asleep downstairs. I asked him what he meant. Yeah.

And he casually told me they'd both fallen asleep on the sofa the previous evening. And when he woke up, he took himself to bed and just left our child there on his own. I told him that he should have put him to bed like a normal parent. But his response was that he was perfectly comfy. And why would he wake him up? I am still annoyed three days later and he thinks I'm completely mad. Is it him or me? Him! Well, how old's the kid? She doesn't say. It just says youngest kid. It's him! It's him! What mother do you know? Okay, let's say it's you and I. You and me. We're watching telly with our youngest kid.

I know your kid's 13. It's a bit different, but let's say- I can't carry her upstairs. No, I can't carry mine. He's 11. But let's say they're carryable. Let's say they're seven, eight, seven-ish. I don't know.

Let's say they fell asleep on the sofa. Would you just turn the lights off, turn the telly off, go brush teeth, get into bed, knowing that your child was alone asleep on a sofa downstairs? Can I just tell you, right? Firstly, no, of course I wouldn't. Last night, this is a perfect example. We're watching TV together.

And I said to him, we'd watched two episodes of the series that we're watching. And I said to him, I think I really want to go to bed. He goes, OK. I literally hadn't even blinked and he'd gone upstairs now when was the last time that you said i'm going to bed and just went upstairs when you've got to check the back doors lock the washing take the dog out for a final wee turn the lights off is there the dishwasher on clear up make sure everything's clean for when you come down the next morning down the house essentially down the house puff up the pillows like all of it yes so i'm doing all of that it takes me like 20 minutes

so glad i'm not the only freak that puffs up the cushions before going to bed thank you for not making me feel weird i i don't think it's weird okay thank you but then adam thinks i've got ocd and i don't think i've got ocd i want wanna come down in the morning to a tidy place. Yes, thank you. Thank you. That's just normal. I also don't wanna come down to my own child's to sleep on a sofa. So what I'm saying is that Adam would very probably

likely do that and just leave the kid there. And also this kid's gonna wake up in the middle of the night not know where they are. I mean, they would know where they are cause they're in their own house but they wouldn't be in their bed they would probably be a bit disorientated i mean i do see like ollie would do this too it's just like real dad vibes it's like child is comfy why move child me bed child comfy it's just me bed me bed child it's just me bed it's just it's dad logic it's it's dad math dad math yes yes you know what sometimes mom math does come in handy me tired me go bed

also the mom is thinking for anyone who's disagreeing here's what i'm thinking right i want the kid to have a proper night's sleep yes i don't want them to wake up with a bad neck or a bad back or wake up in the middle light be freaked out i want them to have a proper night's sleep. I don't want them to wake up with a bad neck or a bad back or wake up in the middle of the night and be freaked out. I want them to have a good night's sleep so that they are a pleasant person the next day so it doesn't then impact on the rest of the family because they're in a mood. Because they're an asshole.

Because they haven't slept properly. Yeah, yeah. Right? So it's thinking ahead of I need child to be pleasant and well-rested. And also that is in my remit of looking after child to make sure they are well rested. But then we're just going into the whole mental load stuff

because also for thinking ahead stuff, it's like future me wants to wake up in the morning with a clean dishwasher. I don't want to come down with a dirty one that I then got to load now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like puffing up the cushions. Right, you're always thinking ahead to the tomorrow morning

to what is on the mental load slash agenda for the day. I mean, I know men are doing that too, but it's different. Well, not the domestic stuff. Anyway, listen, listener, it's definitely not you. Definitely him. I wouldn't leave a child downstairs if I was upstairs. My kids have only just started going downstairs without me when it's dark. My kids are often in bed a lot later than me

but they are 20 and 18 so they're allowed to be they're not kids they're like young adults they're young men yeah they're young men so i don't feel bad if they're on the sofa and i go to bed because you're not going to carry them i don't even live with one of them so it's like totally fine but the little one night night mom night night love you see in the morning kiss bed like it's normal it's just normal parenting stuff right i mean lily rose who's my youngest who at 13 she does stay up for later than me in the school holidays at times but i still have always checked that she's kind of remember to brush your teeth i go into her room i put her curtains down like i'm still kind of parenting you know yeah and making sure that her bed is ready for or maybe someone would call me a

helicopter mum but I just need to know she's rested when I'm on my way up to bed and as we know I am the owl so I'm always up till at least midnight 1am that's just standard bedtime for me on my way up the stairs I always peek into the youngest one's bedroom to check I know what I'm checking for he's asleep and he looks comfy like that just feels like a really normal parenting thing to do I don't do it with the other two because that would be weird and often their girlfriends are staying over so that would be even more weird and inappropriate but I don't do it anymore but I always always used to when they were much more little and I you know what I used to do I used to put my hand over their mouth so I could feel the breath okay that's slightly neurotic but okay whatever they were breathing I don't give a shit I I'm fully in agreement with this listener yeah fully

it's just yeah it's a very male approach that is our show on 40ish. Thank you so much for listening. We are going to be back next week with a brand new episode. Now, we have a few instructions for you, don't we? Please follow and subscribe to the show. It's really easy. Even I can do it and I'm technically backward. You just press the little plus button in the top right-hand corner that says subscribe.

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share with us what's going on in your life so that we can have a discussion about it and that we can all show each other the love and the support that we all, let's all face it, that we all fucking need in midlife. And you know we're going to agree with you. Yeah. Dog, him, you know? There you go.

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