A Bit of Optimism - Ask Simon Anything: Part One

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

A few weeks ago, I put out an open call on social media to see what questions my listeners have for me.  And there were a LOT of responses.So, as an end-of-the-year special, our next two episodes will be dedicated to answering your burning questions.  This is… A Bit of Optimism.For more on my work, check out: simonsinek.com 

as we go into the holiday season i like lots of other people are going to take a little break but we didn't want to turn the podcast off in case you are traveling or at home or with family and you just wanted a little break of optimism and so what we decided to do was answer all your questions so i've got one of the producers of the podcast here, Zach, who's with me. He's on our team. And he's going to ask me some of the questions that have been coming in, and I'm going to answer them. And hopefully there'll be some learning in there and a little bit of fun too. This is a bit of optimism. Good to see you, Zach. You've been getting lots of questions in, right? Yes, tons of questions all over all of your social media. And so we could just jump right in.

Let's jump right in. All right. Your first question is, how was 2022 for you? And what was your biggest learning from the year? So 2022 for me was probably like 2022 for a lot of other people, which it was nice to sort of come out of lockdown. And I think a little bit of normal life resumed, quote unquote, normal, started traveling again a little bit, started having friends over. So it was nice having guests again. And I saw people I haven't seen in literally two years, which was really a treat. But it was also a little bit of a warning. I think all of us were forced to reevaluate our lives during lockdown. Is our time more valuable to us than just money? Do we want to just be in the rat race every

day simply to advance? Or do we want to reconsider how we live our lives? And I think now the pressures are back on now that we're coming out of lockdown in a post lockdown world. And I'm finding it hard to maintain that balance that I committed that I was going to have for the rest of my life, that new work life balance. I learned the kind of life I want to live. And I'm working to try and have that balance. It's really hard now. And I think the pressures of life I want to live. And I'm working to try and have that balance. It's really hard now. And I think the pressures are back on, you know, people just expect us to go back to the way it was. And I know a lot of us don't really want to. So I like many, I'm fumbling through it and trying to figure it out. Simon, how do you create an environment where

people will be at their natural best? So what you're talking about is building a circle of safety. Creating environment where people will be at their natural best is all about making people feel psychologically safe. What does that mean? Feeling psychologically safe means that someone can come to work and raise their hand and say, I made a mistake, or I don't understand, or I'm struggling at home and it's affecting my work, or I need help. All without any fear of retribution or humiliation, but we can say these things with absolute confidence that someone on our team or our leader will rush to support us. That's what it feels like to be in a circle of safety. That's what it feels like to have psychological safety at work. Unfortunately,

a lot of us also know what it feels like not to have that, where we would never admit a mistake or say we don't understand or say we don't know, ask for help for fear that'll hurt our careers or our promotability or get us humiliated in a meeting. So building a circle of safety means leading with empathy, seeing people as a whole person, creating a space where people can feel seen and heard and understood at work. And we have to learn skills to do that. Human skills. We're lacking in human skills, the skills we need to be better humans. Things like better active listening skills, how to have difficult conversations, how to lead with empathy, how to give and receive feedback, how to have an effective confrontation, to give people some harsh feedback sometimes in ways that they will hear it,

not in ways that they will be defensive. These are all very important skills that go directly towards building a circle of safety. But the biggest one that I think a lot of leaders screw up is, and it's a scary word for a lot of leaders, is being vulnerable. If we want our people to be vulnerable around us, if we want our people to admit mistakes and say they need help, we have to set the example. And so we have to say, I made a mistake or I don't understand.

And by the way, we can be vulnerable with confidence. That's what communicates strength. It's not what we're saying. It's like, hey guys, I've been really off my game. I don't know what's up with me, but I'm a little off. I'm not gonna be that reliable this week. Please just bear with me. I'm figuring it out.

Thanks really so much. And don't worry, I'll be back to myself in no time. That's being vulnerable with confidence as opposed to, hey, I don't know what's going on. I'm just off my game. That's what freaks people out. So the amazing thing is when we are vulnerable, then we set the tone for others to be vulnerable around us. And at the end of the day, don't we want people to say they need help? Don't we want people to say when they're struggling? Don't we want people to say they've made a mistake so we can be there to help them? That's what leadership is all about. What do you think will be the major trends for the workplace in 2023? So this is one of the most common questions I'm getting, which is people still don't know what

work is going to look like in the future. And by the way, nobody knows. And anybody who's making any grand prediction of what it's going to be like, they don. And by the way, nobody knows. And anybody who's making any grand prediction of what it's going to be like, they don't know either. The only thing that we do know that I think I can confidently say is here to stay is flexibility is here to stay. Where, for example, we used to have to ask permission to telecommute, to work from home next Thursday because my kid's going to be home. Now we can simply send an email in the morning going, hey, I'm working from home today and everybody will be fine with it. We got used to that. But in terms of what hybrid work looks like or how we get

people to come back to work if they don't want to come back, that is still a big unknown. The dust is still in the sky. I know a lot of people who are quitting their jobs because they're being told they have to come back to work. They just don't want to. So I think, unfortunately, for employers, 2023 is still going to have a little bit of uncertainty. People are experimenting and figuring out what hybrid looks like and how you operate it and how it works. There's a lot of experimentation going on, but I still think there's a lot of uncertainty. We're going to just have to fumble through it for probably another year.

Next question. Simon, in the last five years, what new belief, behavior, or habit has most improved your life? Oh, such a good question. I believe in constant improvement. I'm constantly working on myself. I took a listening class a few years ago, and I thought I was a great listener. And in the listening class, I'm like, yeah, I know all this stuff. And I realized that I am an absolutely fantastic listener when When I talk to people I'll never see again for the rest of my life, but absolutely terrible with my friends and loved ones. And so I would have these fights with my friends and loved ones. And they'd say,

you're such a bad listener. And I was like, do you know what I do for a living? I'm pretty good. And turns out I sucked. Turns out all my friends knew I sucked too. So I like called them one by one and be like, I am so sorry. I just took this listening class and I realized I am so sorry. And so I've really worked very hard at taking the things that I know about active listening that I do in a work environment and bringing it into my personal life. I'm learning to hold space. I'm learning to put space. I'm learning to put my emotions aside and not take things personally so I can provide a safe space for somebody to feel heard. Now, when I have an argument, for example, I always fight to get

to resolution. I used to fight to be right. And now I fight to get to resolution. And it completely changes your mindset and how you talk and how you listen when your goal is to find resolution without just like blowing someone off and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you want, it's fine. Because that makes people feel like crap. So yeah, I think my personal listening skills, I'm really proud. I'm really proud. They're a lot better now. And I think my friends would agree. Someone asks, what recommendation do you hear in your area of expertise that you disagree with? I think where I tend to have the biggest arguments with people in my area is really when it comes down to finite and infinite thinking. There are solid devotees to the 1980s and 90s style of leadership. There are solid devotees to Jack Welch.

There are solid devotees to finite-minded thinking, frankly, because short-term finite-minded thinking usually benefits that person who's defending it. The whole idea of embracing infinite-minded thinking is it's better for the team, it's better for the organization, which ultimately is better for you, but it's really having a service mentality rather than a selfish mentality, or in Adam Grant's terms, having a giving mentality rather than a taking mentality. And so where I tend to battle with people is they think it's either infinite or finite, and they defend finite. And the whole point of infinite minded

thinking is you can absolutely have finite games in an infinite game, just like I can try and be healthy and still set a goal of how much weight I want to lose. I can still have goals and numbers. Metrics are very important. Human beings are tangible animals. We need to see the numbers to make us feel like we're making progress. But there has to be a context. Why are we counting these things? It can't just be growth for growth's sake or to make me rich or to hit some arbitrary goal and some arbitrary date.

What is the point of growth? What is the point of hitting those numbers? It has to contribute to something bigger. So yeah, the biggest arguments are really the finite-minded defenders, to be quite honest. Simon, do you ever get depressed? And if so, how do you deal with it? I'll share a secret with you, which is I am human. So yes, of course, I suffer all the same and enjoy all the same emotions as every other

human being. I do get down. Of course I get down. The thing that I'm really good at is when I have down feelings, I do not deal with them alone. I call friends. And sometimes I want those friends just to listen and hold space. And sometimes I need advice from people. And I call multiple friends about the same issue always. And I have a very strict rule. All my friends know my rule, which is no crying alone. If you're overwhelmed

by anything, work, personal, whatever it is, and you feel it coming, you pick up the phone and you call a friend and you say, do you have a minute? I think I need to cry. Can I just talk this through with you? And yeah, I've obeyed that since COVID began and my friends have obeyed it too. No crying alone. And what I found is the best way to deal with down feelings and sad feelings is when we call somebody and we can lean on a human being, a real live human being. That's the way I have found that works best. Simon, someone says they listened to your episode with Arthur Brooks, where you talked about having ADHD and you say that it's your superpower. Yeah. They agree. There are a lot of people who have the same issue with ADHD. Do you have any

resources or suggestions for people who have ADHD? So my ADHD wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I was just a hyperactive kid with no focus. And probably like many of us was told that the liabilities that come with ADHD were weaknesses. Why can't you just focus? Why can't you sit still? Things like that. It really upsets me that we call it a deficit in the disorder. We tell a child that they have a deficit in the disorder. We tell a child that they have a deficit and a disorder. For anyone who listens to the podcast, you know, I don't believe in strengths and weaknesses, good or bad, right or wrong. I believe in attributes and characteristics. We have characteristics and attributes that make us who we are. And in some contexts, those things are

weaknesses. And in some contexts, those things are strengths. And so yes, ADHD does come with liability. Absolutely. In some contexts, it's a struggle for me to get my work done. Absolutely. Without a doubt. But in some contexts, it is an absolute superpower. I have crazy creativity where my mind can operate like a pinball machine, where I can see patterns, can connect dots that most people can't see, or can do it a lot quicker than a lot of people. I can get more work done in a day than a lot of people can get done in a week when I'm focused. And when I'm focused, I can get more done in a week than a lot of people can get done in a month. So why can't we tell children that they have hyperfocus that occasionally comes with

distractibility as opposed to telling kids that they have a deficit in the disorder, that if you're lucky, you'll figure out the superpower. I want us to teach kids about the superpower. So yeah, read books about it. There's a book called ADHD 2.0, which will really, really, really help people understand the ins and outs of this magical, amazing superpower. How can you ensure that you're making the right decisions when it comes to new hires or candidates? So I think that interviewing is like dating. You're going to go on a few dates with somebody. You have to decide if you want to marry them. And so I think when we talk to people, we sit there with their resume and we ask them questions about their resume. And that has a role,

but who are they as a person? When I'm getting to know somebody as a candidate for a job, I want to go out for coffee with them. I want to take them for lunch. I want to talk to them about their family. I want to find out who they are. Because at the end of the day, what makes somebody a great contributor to our culture is their value set. If they're missing a skill set, we can teach that. And Zach, as you know, everybody on our team finds themselves doing things that they never dreamed they were doing, but they raised their hand and said, I can learn that. And we do. And it's really the values that make somebody a great contributor to culture. So the question is, how do you get

someone's values? Well, you go for a meal with them, you talk to them socially, and you learn about who they are. And you can pretty quickly assess if you quote unquote, get along with somebody if you like somebody. And that's an important thing. In the Marine Corps, for example, they take their best and brightest off the front lines, and they do a tour in recruiting. And that's because they want their best and brightest, the people who best embody the culture, the people who best embody the values, to go out and find people who they believe would continue to protect the values of the organization. I guarantee if you look at all the top leaders of the Marine Corps, they probably did a tour in recruiting throughout their career because they were the best.

And so I think that's what we should do as well. I think recruiting should be done by the best and brightest and smartest and the people who love the company and love the team and are super protective of the team. They should get a say because they should determine who gets in. They should be a part of it. What's your go-to karaoke song? I have a rule about karaoke, which is you only do it in Japan because that's where it's from. do it in Japan because that's where it's from. A karaoke is not my thing. I can't sing. And this is super embarrassing. The only song I can sing that sounds kind of like the song that it's actually supposed to be, this is so embarrassing, is Javert's theme from Les Mis. Now I have to stress, I'm not a huge Les Mis fan. I'm not a big musical theater person.

I do happen to love that song. And for those of you who listened to the episode with Susan Cain, it is in the minor key. But that's not in any karaoke machine. And even if it was, I'm definitely not singing it in public. It's the thing I sing in the car by myself. And I'm just slightly impressed with myself that it kind of sounds like the song. Okay, maybe you and I can sing some Les Mis songs together at the next offsite. Please no. Please no.

Okay. Simon, what's your advice on overcoming imposter syndrome? One thing to remember about imposter syndrome is it's an insecurity. It's our belief that we're not deserving of being wherever we are. In my early days of standing on stage, I'd be at these amazing conferences with these other incredible speakers. And I was like, what am I doing here? Why did they let me in? And I remembered that somebody else has already vetted me. I didn't have to stand on the stage and give my list of credentials or say what books I've written. I didn't have to prove that I was worthy of being there. And I didn't have to posture because someone else has already decided that I can be on the stage and they gave me a microphone. That's it. So yes, do those people

sometimes make mistakes? Damn straight they do. But at the end of the day, it's accepting that you're not the only person that got you there. Other people opened doors for you and other people said, yes, you belong. And it's trust that they know what they're doing. That has helped me a great deal. It's really about letting go of yourself and trusting in others. The other big thing that I do is I remind myself that I have something of value. I know it has value and I'm here to give it away.

So I change my mentality to, well, I'm just going to give what I've got. And if they like it, they like it. And if they don't, they don't. But I'm just here to give. And so that service mentality has really helped me over the years. What is the book that you've given out the most this year? I've been giving out Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Godera. I'm very proud that I'm actually also the publisher of the book. And when I met Will, I was so blown away by his thinking. He was the owner of 11 Madison Park, which at one point was the best restaurant in the world.

And he would just tell me all the things he was learning or he had learned about how he built his restaurant. And I realized I was applying his lessons to my business and to my life even. And so it was so powerful. I went to him and said, do you want to write a book about this stuff? And we worked together on it. I'm really proud of it. It's a great book. And I've given it to a lot of people and they're finding tremendous value in it as well. Everything in there is so actionable as well. So yeah,

I've been giving out a lot of copies of Unreasonable Hospitality. Super proud of that book. Somebody writes to you who's a frontline worker for their company. They say, you always say, be the leader that you wish you had. But what does that actually mean? Does that mean I need to show my leaders and managers how to lead? Great question. So let's first define what leadership means. Leadership is the awesome responsibility to see those around us rise. And it has nothing to do with rank or position. If you are given rank or position, you have authority, which means you can work at greater scale. You can work with less bureaucracy because you can just make things happen. But if leadership is the awesome responsibility to see those around us rise,

then we can do it for one person. It can be one person to the left or one person to the right. And when we come to work every day to ensure that our colleagues and coworkers feel like someone has their back and go home fulfilled at the end of the day, then we are the leaders we wish we had, because we are offering them the psychological safety. We're offering the safe space for them to come to somebody and say, I'm struggling. I don't understand. I need help. I made a mistake. We can be the leaders we wish we had when we concern ourselves with how our colleagues and coworkers feel when they come to work every day. And do they feel seen, heard, understood? Do they feel that someone has their back? If so, you're a leader. If you could have a giant billboard on a college campus that could say anything on it, bringing a message to millions of young students, what would that

billboard say? It's not about you. I think our education system makes us think it's about us because we get our grades. When I used to teach back in the day, I'd do group projects and I'd offer a group grade that whatever the group got, that was your grade. And invariably, someone would come and complain to me that it was unfair because they did more work than somebody and they should deserve a better grade. And I'd always look at them perplexed. I'm like, why don't you help the person who's struggling rather than push the person out and complain about that person who's struggling? It's not about you. Like people say, you know, I don't need college. I'm like, yeah, you may not need the subject you learn at college for sure. But it's like a halfway house to adulting. A little bit more of the real world than high school, but not as much as the real world as the actual real world. And so you get to learn teamwork and you get to learn creative thinking and you get to learn to push back. You get to learn to question professors. You get to learn to form an argument, to disagree with somebody that has PhD at the end of their name. Those are big, important lessons. And you learn some degree of dependence and

independence. But I think the biggest one is to remember that where we will thrive in life, it's not just about us and our careers and our starting salaries. It's about learning the skills of taking care of those around us. And Zach, you know, we talk about it at work all the time. There's an entire section of the bookshop called self-help, and there is no section in the bookshop called help others. And one of the greatest things we can learn at college or any entry-level job, quite frankly, is to start practicing taking care of others.

What's a small change in behavior that you would recommend that can lead to larger improvements over time? One of my favorite ones is having a negative mindset versus a positive mindset. So when somebody says, I'm no good at that, I always say, add the word yet at the end. I'm no good at that yet, or I can't do that yet, or I suck at that for now. And instead of making those insecure declarations final, just add a little bit of doubt to the negativity.

And what you start to find is you have a more positive point of view on what's possible. And I like doing it for other people when I catch somebody saying, I don't know how to do that. And I go, yet, you know how to do that yet, or you suck at that right now. So that to me is one of very easy to do and pays David ends over time. Simon, I'd like to hear your opinion on the experiences and training on leadership in the US military. What are some of the pros and cons, the things that they should continue and the things that you think they can improve upon? So one of the great things about military training

is they teach leadership as you get promoted through organization. Each level, you're gonna have leadership training because they believe in it and they're constantly improving. It's never perfect. They're constantly adding to it and tweaking it and improving it.

And in private sector, we do little to no leadership training as we move up through the ranks. Or if anything, you have to wait till you're already senior and you can have a one week offsite with a couple of fancy speakers and around a golf. And they call that leadership training. So the military, I really admire their constant, constant, constant willingness to train their people as they make their way through the ranks.

That's wonderful. The other thing is the best elements of the military understand that they are fundamentally values-based organizations. We don't talk about honor in the private sector, and I wish we did. I don't think we understand it. It's different than reliability or trustworthiness. Let me give you an example of what honor is. Let's say an organization is going through a hard time and somebody in the organization thinks, oh, this is perfect. I've got all of the cards. I've got all the leverage. I'm going to ask for the promotion now. And this is not somebody who's been working extra hard. And even if they are, there's a time and a place, you know, but in the

middle of high stress, somebody will inject more stress in the organization for self-gain. That's dishonorable. I have no problem with taking care of yourself and taking care of your own career. But at the end of the stress, you go and say, hey, through that exercise, I worked much harder. I was working later hours. Is there an opportunity for me to move up through the ranks or maybe be additionally compensated? I have no issue with that. But what is dishonorable is in the middle of high stress that somebody chooses to use that moment because they think it's leverage to get something out of an organization, that is acting dishonorably. To me, dishonor is about putting yourself first in difficult situations.

Difficult situations is a time to rally as a crew, as a team. And so I think we could learn a lot more about honor in the private sector, where it's okay to be careerist. It's okay to be ambitious. It's okay to move through the ranks. It's okay to want to ask for raises. It's okay to want to ask for promotions. All those things are good and fine, but timing really does matter. Some of the things they can do better, their bureaucracy is debilitating. Their ability to innovate is slow and lumbering and old fashioned. And the world is changing around them and they can't get out of their own way in many

respects. And I wish some of the chiefs of staff would literally fire the people who are the well-known blockages to innovation. Everybody knows who they are and they just do their jobs. And some of those chiefs of staff can send a message to their organizations that we have to change. And those who refuse to change no longer have a position in this organization, but they don't do it. They don't do it. And I wish they would. Zach and I are going to take a little break for now, and we're going to come back next week with more of your questions. If you enjoyed this podcast and would like to hear more, please subscribe wherever you like to listen to podcasts.

And if you'd like to learn more about the topic you just heard, please check out the Optimism Library at simonsenik.com, where you can get access to more than 35 undemanded classes about leadership, culture, purpose, and more. Until then, take care of yourself, take care of each other.