A Bit of Optimism - No More Lonely Friends with Marissa Meizz

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

How would you react if you found out that your friends purposely planned a birthday party when you were out of town so you wouldn’t attend? And what if you found out from a video that went viral on TikTok? That’s exactly what happened to Marissa Meizz. Marissa's reaction was absolutely beautiful. She used the attention - and the pain - to help others. She founded No More Lonely Friends, a group dedicated to help anyone who wants to build deeper, more meaningful friendships.This is… A Bit of Optimism.For more information on Marissa and her work visit: https://nomorelonelyfriends.com/https://www.instagram.com/nomorelonelyfriendshttps://www.instagram.com/marissameizz 

How would you react if you saw a video online of someone talking about a conversation they overheard of two people trying to uninvite their friend with your name to their birthday party? Well, that's exactly what happened to Marissa Mize. And the way she responded was probably a little different than most of us would respond. Instead of getting angry or lashing out, she went online and started her own community of people who feel brushed aside or just lonely. And they came together, 200 of them, to meet in real life, to foster new friendships. This is a bit of optimism. Marissa, for those who don't know your story,

can you please tell us, because it's kind of insane and wonderful all at the same time. It is kind of an insane thing that happened in my life, I guess, in a lot of people's lives. But basically, a guy named Drew was walking in Madison Square Park, and he overheard two girls talking poorly about their friend Marissa, saying how they wanted to plan a party on a weekend that I would be out of town so they wouldn't have to invite me in the first place because they already knew I was going to be out of town. And he overheard it. And I didn't know Drew, by the way, did not know who he was. Never met him before. We had no mutual friends. And he posted a TikTok video. He was saying, you know,

if your name is Marissa and you live in New York City and these are your friends, then I hope you find some new friends. And I saw the video. It turned around. It got, you know, over 20 million plus views. I didn't even see the video on TikTok. I actually got it sent to me about 50 plus times through every platform of people either texting it to me or messaging me. And the last straw was when my aunt actually sent it to me, who's in her 50s, and was like, this is you? And I was like, how did you get this video?

And where did this come from? So I watched the video and I was like, this is too detailed to not be me. So me and Drew met up the next day and we talked about it. It happened to be me. And from that turned into a meetup of some sorts, because overnight a bunch of people were following me and messaging me saying, hey, screw your old fake friends. You know, let's be friends. I would love to meet up.

So I decided to have a mutual meetup. So let's back up a second here. So you see this video on TikTok and you decide to turn this into something more magical, which is to recognize that there are other people out there who may be experiencing similar things as you, which is to have these friendships that we call friendships, but are probably more superficial than anything else. And you decide to create a space for all of these people to come and meet each other. And so you post on social media, come to Central Park, let's all meet up. And 200 people showed up and hung out all day. Yeah, we hung out for probably about nine hours, and then ended up after the nine hours going to hang out somewhere else at like a bar for a few hours. And I hope some real friendships

were born out of that day. In fact, how can they have not been? But the thing that I find really fascinating about your story is not just the story itself, though, the wonderful, which is it really raises the question, what is the definition of a friend in a modern social media world? I've talked to young people before and they've said to me, they are fully aware that their friends would cancel on them if better plans came up, or that they enjoy their friends, they have fun with their friends, but they don't really trust their friends. It wouldn't go to their friends if they were struggling. And I find that notion kind of depressing because that sort of is very different to what my notion of a friend is. So the question is, has the definition

of friend changed? Or is there a young generation growing up because of social media and cell phones, etc, that are not enjoying the true experience of what friendship means? I think it's a little bit of both, to be honest. I mean, I'm 24. I just turned 24 a little bit ago and I did not find my quote unquote group of real friends until this started, which was kind of funny. I feel like I always was in that position that I either was maybe thinking that I wouldn't go to them because I feel like they would tell somebody else my secret or whatever was going on in my life or whatever it was that I needed help with. And I feel that once this whole thing started, I finally found that group of friends that would be loyal back, but also it's a two-way street

and they feel like they're family to me and I could go with them to anything. And I feel like in today's world, a lot of people will have these friends and tell them something, et cetera. And then this friend will go and turn around and tell somebody else and be like, oh, look what she came to me with, or look what problems she's having, or this is so embarrassing or something like that to kind of dumb it down to other people. And I think that's the worst part of today is that a lot of people don't find that value in friends anymore. And they don't think that they're good enough

for better friends. So they just trust these people and then stick with them because they don't have any other quote unquote options. So you're saying even after the trust is violated, they'd still continue to hang out with these people. Yeah, because a lot of people would rather be around these people that will stick

around, quote unquote, or whatever, listen to them, rather than find better friends because they don't want to be alone. My goodness. But it's so lonely being in friendships like that. It is. That does not cure loneliness. So are you a better friend chooser now? What changed? Tell me what changed how you choose friends now. A lot has changed in so many aspects. I think me being more confident in my friendships, me trusting people in the right ways, and also seeing things as a two-way street. I always reference that because friendships are just like relationships. You have to care for each other. You have to do what's best for each other. And also, if things aren't working out, you have to talk it through. I think that's how friendships thrive. I choose friends now that help me as a person grow

mentally and physically and in life, and also just do better for both of us. The thing that I think is very significant here is that your meetups are in person. Yes. Are you better at talking on the phone? Are you better at getting together with people? Or are you back to sort of DMing and IMing and all DMings? I think it's good for you. I think it's good for me. I think it's good for everybody to meet up in person because people think that they're socializing and think they have so many friends, et cetera, because they're talking to these people online. And that's where I think a lot of people get mixed up is kind of they have this skewed reality of, oh my gosh, I know her because I follow her. We follow each other online. We talk online. Psychology has a term for this. It's called a parasocial relationship, where it's one way. So it's like we're on first names with Brad and Angelina, for example, right? They don't know who we are. The parasocial relationship is when we feel like we know

everything about somebody else because we see them online. And there's intense pressure for people in the public eye or for people who want to be influencers to put themselves out there and share their lives and what they're eating and who they're dating and what they're doing. And so we feel like we have a relationship with them, like we know them when we don't. What it is fundamentally is a fake relationship, but it feels real to the person feeling it. That's the problem. They really do feel like you guys are friends, even though you've never met them. What social media has allowed for a disproportionately higher number of parasocial relationships, and as you said, you exchange a DM or two, and it validates the faux friendship. It takes effort to build friendships. It takes time and patience and vulnerability, that horrible word,

right? Yeah. Your generation is a pretty activist generation, which I love. You don't just complain about things, you get things done. And what I love is that you turned this painful experience, could have been extremely humiliating because it was done out loud, right? So lots of people who know you suspected that you might be that Marissa. So it's also humiliating because it was done publicly. And yet you turned this agony and pain into something very, very positive, which is you publicly acknowledged it was you on TikTok. And then you put out a call to anyone who feels like their friendships may also not be that deep to come make some real friendships.

Your Lonely Friends movement, right? Yes. How did you come up with the name No More Lonely Friends? Lonely Friend is a strange combination of words. Growing up, I was constantly around everybody. I was president of my school. I was so sociable. I was friends with everybody. But in the end, if I called somebody at night trying to help, no one would help me.

And I felt so, it was sad. I felt lonely as a friend, you know, and I felt so weird that I had all these quote unquote friends that never acted like a friend. And I had some close friends, sure. But I felt that there was more loneliness than I felt like a friend. And someone said, you know, what do you want out of this? And I was just like, I just don't want people to feel lonely anymore as a friend. And I was like, oh, no more lonely friends. Yeah. Like no more lonely friends. And someone said, hashtag no more lonely friends, question mark. Like, is this it? And I sat there and just

contemplated. And in the end I was like, whoa, no more lonely friends. Like that's it. Like that's the, that's the line. That's the motto, turning strangers into friends. What was the last meetup you had? This last weekend was Los Angeles. How many people came? Probably about 400. Wow. Tell me one specific thing that happened that made you smile and go, it was worth the trip. It was a more special meetup than others. It was more eventy this time. We had a partnership with a few different companies that came together. I wanted to do something like this because a lot of people are alone for the holidays.

And that was something I struggled with as well before, especially when I was living in LA. So a lot of people came out to kind of meet people so that they can spend the holidays with. And a special thing that stood out to me was this one woman came up to me and said, you know, my wife has been really struggling throughout the last few months. And I, you know, a lot of people tell me that he started tearing up and I was like, oh no, this is when I start crying. And he said, we have met so many people today. And that whole group right there sitting with my wife, there was about 12 of them are all coming over because they were all going to be alone. I mean, it makes me just so mind blown that my little event that I said, hey, meet up at this one spot at this

time and meet some friends, sure, whatever, that it's going to have a lifelong impact on them forever. You're touching upon such a basic human need, which is our desire to feel seen and heard and to feel like we belong. That's where the insecurity comes from in the first place, which is I don't feel like I belong. I love subcultures. I love Comic-Con and all kinds of subcultures where people who don't feel like they belong find each other.

And I think loneliness is one of those things where you don't realize who feels lonely. People are good at putting on an act. And I think what you've done is you've made loneliness not so lonely. And to recognize that if you put in a little effort, right, like you go to this meetup, you'll meet people who kind of get you and kind of understand because simply by showing up, you're telling everybody a little bit about who you are just because you

showed up. When I listen to you and I listen to the work you're doing, I relate to it personally. And the internet is a blessing and a curse, right? I wish the internet existed when I was younger because I would have found these communities a lot easier. But at the same time, the internet exaggerates so much of the thing that makes us lonely. And so it's a real double-edged sword. And I think the trick to a lot of this is putting the phone away. Do you require that people put the phone away at these things? Not necessarily, but unless somebody is exchanging information, I barely see people on their phones. And I think that's the coolest part is that these people aren't having these conversations of, hey,

what do you do? Oh my gosh, I do this. Oh my God, so cool. It's not those conversations. It's like, nobody cares about what you do or who you are. It's like, oh, like, I came here for this. You came here for this. Like, let's talk about life. And one of the partners for this was this card game called the deep. It's a conversationalist game where they give you prompts on the card of very deep, like deeper conversations, not who are you? What do you do? It's what's the most vivid memory that your mother ever gave you or something like that. And it could be a positive thing of let's talk about this. Or it could be like, I don't want to talk about my family or, oh, I can talk to you about my family another way or whatever it is. So it's cool. But it's these things that people are so open to doing that on a first date, you wouldn't just sit down

at the table and be like, so what's your deepest, darkest secret? I had somebody do that to me. I went to an event and it was like big, long table. We were all eating at, we're all strangers. We're all basically just met. And this one guy says, Hey, so let's try and connect. Let's all tell each other something we've never told anybody before. And he says, I'll go first. And he goes on to tell the story of how his sister molested him when he was a child to a bunch of strangers. And then it's my turn. I'm like, nope, not playing this game with any of you. I don't know you and I'm not telling you things that I've never told anybody. It's not going to happen. Very often in our intense desire to feel belonging and feel included, we screw up the timing. Brene Brown talks about this a lot. Vulnerability is not meeting a bunch of strangers

and telling them your deepest, darkest secrets. People misunderstand. We say, you have to be vulnerable, but we don't mean right now. It's a dance. It starts slow, you know, and you pick up speed. And I think that's one of the things in our desperation to feel included, we're sometimes grabbing and lurching out with these strange tactics that backfire all over the place, which only then makes us feel more lonely. There's going to be social awkwardness. I hang around socially awkward people my whole life. Yeah. You know, and so things like that can happen at your meetup. lonely. There's going to be social awkwardness. I hang around socially awkward people my whole life. Yeah. You know, and so things like that can happen at your meetup. And what I like about it is it's when you, and I've been a part of a group of, you know, creative, socially awkward people who all

come together. And it's magical because it's not a networking event. It's because to be a networker, it's a different personality, somebody who's coming to get something. And it's a group of people who know they need to put themselves out there. And this is a safe space they found to put themselves out there because they could go to other things. But those things are too uncomfortable. Is there someone you personally met at a meetup who's touched you more than someone else? Yeah, there's two that kind of go side by side that had somewhat the same story. But in the end, it turned out to be just something that really kind of pushes me along.

A lot of people ask me why I do it. And it's for these types of stories, for sure, that hit me pretty hard. And there was these two people that they both had severe autism. It was the one girl's birthday. And she came to my meetup. And she said, every year I've spent my birthday alone. And it made me not want to be alive. And she said, every year I've spent my birthday alone and it made me not want to be alive. And she said, this was her last year and she didn't think she was going to make it and to her birthday. And if she did, if she spent it alone one more time, she wouldn't have continued. She said, when I posted where I was going and what date it was, and she found out it was her birthday, that that was what kept her there and made it to her birthday

because she was at least happy to be around people. And she said she met so many people there. And this is the first year that she was not alone. And it literally kept her alive. That really just, I mean, shot to the moon of how I felt and how much of an impact it could have on people. And at the Los Angeles meetup on Saturday, it was the same thing. He said, I've never met people that didn't look at me for my autism. They just straight up asked me, what's your name? Cool. You want to come hang out with us this Saturday? They didn't look at him for who he was or whatever. They looked at him for how cool of a person he was and how loyal of a friend he could be. What was your childhood like? So my parents divorced at a very, very young a person he was and how loyal of a friend he could be. What was your childhood like?

So my parents divorced at a very, very young age. It was a very, very messy divorce, very messy childhood type of feel. So I think that growing up, I did a lot of raising myself. I was very involved in a lot of things. I liked doing sports. I like doing team things. I like talking to people. And I always want to do like public speaking, et cetera. A lot of that rooted from, I saw how poorly people treated others. And I wanted to kind of get my voice out there saying like, stop being mean to people and let's all be friends. Like what's going on type of thing. So that's funny that this came out of it because that was a huge thing I liked in my childhood was that I was friends with everybody. Who was the parent figure in your life if it wasn't your parents?

I looked to teachers at school. I had this one teacher, Mr. Carroll, who was my science teacher in high school. And he was kind of that person for me in a weird way that really cared and also was just like, how's life? How's this? How's that? And would kind of go through the basics of me of kind of seeing where I was at and really broke it down into showing he cared and showing that meant a lot to me and whatever it was. And I think he knew just that I was looking for that type of person in my life and he was there for me. He treated everyone with kindness

and also made sure that everyone, whether it was inside of the class or outside of the class was heard and pushed empathy that other people didn't give. Tell me an early specific happy childhood memory. In eighth grade, I made my graduation dress. Oh God, this is embarrassing. I made my graduation dress out of Capri Sun juice bags. And it was so happy for me because all my friends helped me with gathering all the Capri Sun juice bags from everybody at lunch and everything that I got to make this thing that kind of showed my personality and everything. And also, I was just really ecstatic to make it.

I know that's like a weird memory and a kind of odd situation, but that was something I really enjoyed. I think it's a beautiful memory. I think it's about self-expression. kind of odd situation, but that was something I really enjoyed. I think it's a beautiful memory. I think it's about self-expression. And if we go back to Mr. Carroll and the role he played, right, which is he saw you and heard you, he made you feel like you mattered. And you were going through these experiences as a child, you know, about self-expression and your friends helping you self-express. And I think in some way, shape or form, you've become Mr. Carol. You've taken on the role where you're going to make sure that people know that they matter, that they feel seen and heard with the hope that everyone will wear their caprice undress,

with the hope that everyone will be able to express themselves as they truly want to be, as they truly are. I'm going to quote you again, the people don't believe in you for what you do, but why you do it. That is one of, I know it's an old TED Talks you did, but it is one of the most relatable things in this situation because people aren't coming to these meetups because they're like, oh, she's doing this and it's cool. It's great. It's for why I do it because it's for others. It's not just for myself to gain friends. It's not for myself to gain money. This whole thing, I pay for every meetup. I pay for my flights, my hotels, my ticket. I mean, everything. I'm losing so much more money than I'm gaining. And it's one of those things that I'm putting this effort and time and

money into it because people see the value and people donate to it. They buy the shirts because they see the, you know, they're like, what can I do to help? Can I volunteer in my city? Can I host these meetups for you in my city? So you don't have to do as much because they believe in it. They see the value and they see what's going to be next. And they're excited as well with me. So it's cool. It's cool to see people really enjoy and, and, and believe in it and back it. Do you have any questions for me? and believe in it and back it. Do you have any questions for me?

What is one piece of advice you would give to people that want to get themselves out there but have a high social anxiety? Two thoughts come to mind. One is start online. There are plenty of online groups where there are people who share a love of Vermeer or whatever it is, a love of something, and somebody can propose, why don't we all go out for dinner? There was a group that I was a part of

a bunch of years ago, which is just a bunch of creative misfits. And literally, four of us showed up at a bar, and we became very close friends very fast and became a little community of our own. So I think starting online is fine, but there has to be the intention of actually meeting up at some point. The other thing is go with a friend. I know it sounds awkward, but will you go with me is pretty powerful. And we don't build trust when we offer help. We build trust when we ask for help. Giving someone the responsibility of being there for you makes them feel wanted and needed and loved. And it makes them feel feel wanted and needed and loved. And it makes them feel trusted and that their life has value. I wanted to go to Comic-Con and didn't want to go alone because that was way too awkward.

And I called up one of my friends and said, will you go with me? And it's not her thing at all, but she's like, yeah, totally. And she had a blast and I had a blast and she had a blast because she was just holding space for me. That's a true friend right there. That's a true friend. So that's what I would recommend. I'd recommend starting online, but with the intention of going in person when you all feel comfortable and then taking a risk to go do something and asking a friend to go with you. That's amazing. Marissa, you're an inspiration and I wish you nothing but good fortune and good luck as your movement spreads. It's wonderful. Thank you so much. I really, really do appreciate that. If you're interested in learning more about Marissa and her work, you can follow her on Instagram at Marissa Mize or visit nomorelonelyfriends.com to find out any upcoming picnics that might be happening in your area. If you enjoyed this podcast and would like to hear more,

please subscribe wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Until then, take care of yourself. Take care of each other.