A Bit of Optimism - Vulnerability and Redemption with Adrian Grenier

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

We've all been told in our darkest times: "Don't worry this will get better"...but what happens if everything's going right? Should we be afraid that the other shoe will drop?    Well, for Adrian Grenier, the other shoe dropped. He was the star of Entourage, the biggest show on television for a decade. He had fame, money, and everything else.   Until one day when his girlfriend abruptly dumped him. At that moment, he was forced to see himself in a new light -- which inspired him to follow an entirely new path: a journey of reflection, growth, and farming.    This is…A Bit of Optimism.    For more on Adrian and his work check out:    EarthSpeed on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfzVslwYuraxst_RiqNvRGg EarthSpeed on Instagram - instagram.com/earthspeedDuContra Ventures -https://www.ducontra.ventures/    And a special thanks to Alo Yoga for letting us break in their brand-new podcast studio :-). 

Forget what you know about Adrian Grenier. Indeed, he was that Playboy celebrity heartthrob, much like Vincent Chase, the character he played on Entourage. But these days, his life looks nothing like Vinny's. He lives on a farm and is working to be fully self-sufficient. He's a partner in Ducontra Ventures, a do-good investment fund. And he hosts a YouTube channel called Earthspeed, where he shares lessons for others who want to try farming and homesteading.

And most of all, he was willing to face his demons and completely turn his life around. This is a bit of optimism. You and I have known each other a long time. We were trying to figure it out. It's been like 15 years. Yeah. You told me a story.

You broke up with your girlfriend. Yeah. A while, not that long ago. And I talked to you in the moment of being broken up. Where are you going with this, Simon? And I'll be honest with you, I forgot everything you said. But in the moment... Oh, is that impactful?

No, no, no. But in the moment, I remember thinking, this is absolutely profound, and I really should internalize some of this. So clearly I didn't, which is why we're having this conversation again. But you went on a journey of self-discovery of what it means to be a partner, what it means to be, I mean, a lot of things.

Can you just take me on that journey because I want to learn it. And this was recently, I mean, a few years ago, right? It was during the pandemic. Yeah. Essentially, I had a rock bottom moment, what I call a cosmic bitch slap, in which my girlfriend dumped me. And I was so incredulous. I was like, wait, what?

You're breaking up with me? Do you know who I am? Like, do you see all the things I have? I'm the man. And I just didn't understand it. And I was like, babe, what are you doing? Like, we're supposed to get married and we're supposed to have kids

and we're supposed to have a life together. And we'd been together for four years. And I was like, I didn't understand. I could not conceive of it. And she casually just slid a list of reasons to me across the proverbial table. And she goes, you're a terrible person and I have to get as far away from you as possible. In fact, don't call me. Don't text. Block, block, block, block, block. block, block, block, block, block. And I thought that she was just out of her mind because I had accomplished so much. I had a lot of material things to offer.

And look at me. Come on. I'm cool. I'm living in the coolest spots. Real estate markets are popping off around me. And it just took me a while to really let it sink in. And then I opened up her list and I started to like go through each one. And I realized, oh my God, she is actually an angel

who was like the first person in my entire life that was able to get me to look at myself in a very real deep way. And I began to... What was on the list? I mean, you can't, you know, I mean, really. It was a lot around my indulgence, my selfishness, my narcissism. I mean, she was throwing around words like sociopath and stuff like that. I thought that was a little bit extreme. But, you know, the essence of what she was saying is that I was too self-involved. I had too much vanity.

I was out for pleasure and indulgence. And I wasn't really looking out for the people around me. And they weren't looking out for me. really looking out for the people around me and they weren't looking out for me. They had toxic relationships and an unhealthy relationship to escapism. What made you so open to have that kind of cosmic bitch slap? No, I wasn't. I wasn't. You rejected it? No, no. I was going about my life. I thought I had it all figured out. But if somebody tells you that kind of stuff, the immediate reaction is defensive. You're crazy.

You don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, 100%, yeah. But that wasn't your reaction. It was at first. Oh, it was at first. Yeah. It was at first. No, but I told her on her way out the door.

And I have to admit, there was a part of me, this nine sense of dread that I had for years, where I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop because I was like things are too perfect and it was suspicious nothing ever goes wrong with me like something's gonna happen at death or something bad if you look around at all the suffering and I'm getting away with everything and my career's doing really well and I'm I'm just killing it at life and I'm like just dread you could sense the imbalance. I sensed that something was off. And then when she left me, I said to her, I said, look, I love you.

And because I love you, I'm going to take a look at all of these things, but I'm going to do it on my own time so that I can honestly say that I took a look at it. I'm not just going to do it to get you back. I'm not going to try and pretend like I'm going to make all these changes just because I don't want to lose you. I was like, okay, goodbye, ciao. And I'd broken up with lots of people before, and, you know, just go find another, right? And so it was just, I had never been so moved to actually do anything.

I just would go on to the next indulgence or the next escape. Yeah, she really jarred me. I use the analogy that, you know, I was almost as if, you know how when you're waking up from a dream and you're like, you've been in REM sleep and you're groggy and you can kind of know that you've been sleeping. You're kind of becoming conscious of the fact that you're asleep. It's that moment. I was like, oh, I've been asleep at the wheel for 20 years, driving at high speeds and leaving a wake of destruction. And I don't even know what I was up to

for the past 20 years of my life. I was essentially unconscious. So what do you do? I mean, it's one thing to get a little bit of feedback, but to be forced to reevaluate your entire self, personality, the way you show up, the way you were a friend, the way you were a boyfriend, I'm so curious, sort of, what's the first step? Well, and to look at yourself and admit and to face the shame and the embarrassment.

So what'd you do? What's the first thing you did? I had to purge a lot of stuff. So what'd you do? What's the first thing you did? I had to purge a lot of stuff. So you physically got rid of stuff? Well, yeah. The lifestyle stuff, I went sober. I went celibate.

Just cut everything out. Said no. I had to learn to say no so that I could actually find some peace and safe space, quiet space for me to actually take a look. So we're talking about simple stuff. I want to go out for dinner tonight. I want to go to a party tonight. No. Do you want this acting job? No.

Yeah, and this was a long process because I had been so used to saying yes to every single impulse and opportunity to get a dopamine hit. You know, I was conditioned to just do anything just because it was offered to me or it was available. And so, yeah, I did a fuckload of meditation. I did some plant medicines. Is that the name of your app? Fuckload of meditation. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Look, I did all the things. I read all the books. I listened to the podcasts. Yeah, look, I did all the things.

I read all the books. I listened to the podcasts. I started to take interest in what I need to do to actually become a person that Jordan wouldn't have left. You didn't want to become the person that she would take back. You wanted to become the person that she would never have left. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And I started to, like, peel back the layers and look at where did I go wrong or where, when did I fall asleep? Yeah. And I just to like peel back the layers and look at where did I go wrong or when did I fall asleep? And I just went back and back. And then I went into my 30s and then in my 20s and then further back into my teens and then even further back to my childhood. personal development work is, is about really going back as far as you can to when you first started making those decisions to escape and run and hide and numb, you know, the pain or the suffering or the traumas that you endured as a kid. It was just a two-year journey. What do they call it? A dark night of the soul. You're so open about this. I thought that's what this was for. No. Shit. Is that not this podcast? No, no. But I mean, it's a compliment because you're portraying yourself as not a nice person of the past. Now you're lovely. You know, it's one thing to do it in private with a friend. The reason I wanted you to do this is because I think that

your journey has value to others. I think there's a reason to share pain and discomfort. It's an act of service. I agree. And so how did the conversation go? How did you reconnect with Jordan? I was, I guess, at the furthest extent of my personal transformation, if you will. And through my process, I realized that I needed to be in the earth. I needed to be grounded. I was essentially for the past 20 years flying high, Peter Pan syndrome, not touching the ground. So I needed to be in the earth.

So I started working with the soil, and I built a community garden, and that's the work I was doing. That was my focus. And I had purged everything else. I had quit acting. I had quit all my real estate ventures and my business my life force for my children that I want to have. I'm done living for myself and my own boyish indulgences. So I wanted to grow up, be on my own, survive, take care of myself and my family, and have the capacity then to give my life force to my neighbors and my community and the world at large. Not in the rhetorical way that I do when I have a non-profit that I, you know, raise money for so that other people can do the work and raise money so that they can go save the world, but so that I can actually show up in a reliable way and have the skills to be able to offer somebody my service. And so when I thought that I was kind of getting

it and I was ready, I was looking for a piece of land that I wanted to go move to. And I wanted to learn how to build a house. In my mind, it was like symbolic. I should be able to survive, you know, outside of the protection of civilized society where everything's handed to you and everything's mediated for your consumption. You know, just buy it or, you know, go work for the man and then consume more stuff. I wanted to go be more in touch

with my own ability to make things. So you took all the metaphors literally. Well, and I think there's a reason. I think you learn certain things when you're, you hone those survival skills. Yes. So you've got a piece of land.

So no, I was going to get a piece of land, but I was going so far down the archetype prepper role where I was like, okay, this beard can get longer. I can be farther away in nature. Next thing you know, I'm living off the land and eating out of 10 cans, you know, and afraid of the world. And I was like, that's, that's not what I want. So I needed to pull back on the reins and I realized I want relationship. I don't want to be isolated. I want to actually

be in the world, but I do want to be in nature. So I decided I was going to buy land, but I don't want to be isolated. I want to actually be in the world, but I do want to be in nature. So I decided I was going to buy land, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it until I found my partner because it wasn't land for you. It was land for us, whoever else was going to be right. And if I went and I did it, and then I invited somebody like a partner into the land, then it would be my thing. and they would be part of my thing as opposed to it being our thing. Right. So I first had to solve the relational dynamic. Right. So I started dating. I tried to date and that didn't go so well because I knew that until I resolved all of the things with my ex, I was just going to keep playing out those patterns. So I had to

find closure with my ex. So that's when I, long story short, that's when I reached out to her and again, blocked on everything. She can test this. She thinks that, no, you weren't blocked, but I thought I was. And so I emailed her. I sat down and I had all the time in the world to construct the perfect email. And I said, listen, I've made a lot of changes. And I'm sure you've heard it all before, but I have no job. I'm not working. I have no distractions. I'm not dating anybody.

I'm not having sex with anybody. I'm celibate. I'm sober. anybody. I'm not having sex with anybody. I'm celibate. I'm sober. And all I have is time and I will spare no expense to find closure and healing with you. No agenda. I'm not trying to get back with you. I just want to make things right. And then at that point, we'll see if we want to be friends, we can be friends. If we want to get back together, if we want to part ways, at least then I can go about my life and start dating new people with a clean mind. And so can you. She was suspicious at first, but she was open. She's like, I knew you were going to reach out. I felt it. And she's like,

I drew this picture of what I wanted to manifest. And she sent me a picture and it was a picture of like land and a house and a river and trees and the whole thing. I was like, that's it. Like, we're perfect, right? Let's get together. And she's like, not so fast. I need to,

you're saying the right words, but I want to feel it and I can't feel it through email. Right. We have to see each other. I said, great. I'll show, where are you? I'll come meet you.

And she's like, I moved to Portugal. And I was like, all right, cool. I'll, I'll come to Portugal. She goes,

good luck. There's a, a ban on travel to, to Europe from Americans because it's COVID. I was like, okay, challenge accepted. I got to Portugal and she made me jump through hoops,

and it took months for us to really, truly find closure. But the truth is, we were soulmates. I mean, we were meant to be together. This is all part of the journey. So we were together for four years. We were apart for two, and now we're back together almost for two years. We got land. We named our ranch K, and now we're back together almost for two years. We got land.

We named our ranch Kintsugi Ranch. I know Kintsugi. Japanese art of repairing things with gold. That's right. Broken things with gold. And so we are living the essence of Kintsugi. It's more beautiful after it's broken. It's beautiful.

You are a different person now. I mean, it's like it's kind of obvious to anyone who's known you. There is a calm about you. You're more philosophical as well. I don't believe in good, bad, right, wrong. I believe that everything is balanced. And I believe that everything that you get in life or any advantage you have comes at a cost.

There's a cost for money you make. There's a cost for fame. There's a cost for fame. There's a cost for success. You know, there's a cost for eating chocolate cake. And at the same time, anything bad that happens, quote unquote bad, comes with opportunity, comes with lessons. And COVID was that, I think, for all of us,

if you chose to see it. Yes, there was pain. And yes, there was depression. Every one of us went through something. And it's a strange thing to say, but I became an adult during COVID. Yeah. You know, I'm considered middle-aged, though I never felt it. Yeah.

And it sounds even weird to even say it. And prior to COVID, I was very uncomfortable when people called me a man. Yeah. You know, I prefer to call myself a boy, you know, because I felt like a boy. I believe last time we hung out before covid we were having ice cream cones like we went and got we did we went for ice that's exactly what we did we went for ice cream it's i think it's actually worse than that i think we actually shared an ice cream in a cup in a big cup like we got a large i think

but not peter pan in the sense like the way you described your peter pan like i wasn't as indulgent as you i just liked the idea that I didn't have to grow up and be responsible. I think that's what my boyishness was. Sure. You know, one of the weirdest ways it looked, which is I became uncomfortable looking in the mirror and like seeing gray hair. I mean, prior to COVID, if I had a gray hair, I was like, oh my God, I have a gray hair. I'm like, of course I'm going to get a gray hair. I'm like that age.

But it shattered my image of myself as the boy. Yeah. And now I just don't care. Like now I'm like, I'm okay that age but it it shattered my image of myself as the boy yeah and now I just don't care like now I'm like I'm okay being my age which is kind of a funny thing and when you when you become the adult then you have to take responsibility

and you don't have anyone to blame yeah like you're the one who's going to do the right thing in every moment yeah you know you can't

skirt responsibility the thing the thing that's important here and this is what we're skirting around, it's all fine and good for us to say how, you know, we became adults. Yes, we did become adults.

So what? Like, what's the lesson here? Is this something that everybody goes through? Like, is this a warning to every Gen Z? You lived a life that, for the most part, has become a standard of what success looks like. There's an entire generation coming up who wants what you had.

Shouldn't our generations be looking at it going, no, no, no, no. We're going to live a life of service. We're going to work on ourselves. When I go through depression or hardship, I'm going to deal with it with the people around me who I owe as opposed to turning on my camera and simply crying basically by myself yeah then editing it

slightly and putting it on youtube right well i would just you know throw it back to you in terms of what you said before it's we're always in balance right so i don't i don't know if we're worse i think we're definitely in a collective awakening so i see from the people that I choose to surround myself with now, a lot of people who are making different choices. And yeah, it might just be a natural rite of passage. It's like our parents are always like, these crazy kids. And now here we are growing up and becoming those mature adults, hopefully. And the youth seems strange or out of touch or... I mean, look, of course, every youth seems strange because they grew up differently than us,

of course, to every generation. But my lamentation, like I lament the loss of service, you know? And serve always, by definition, comes at some sort of suffering. I mean, you said it, I can put my face or give some money to charity. Ha-ha, I've served. No, no, no. There has to be suffering to serve. And in your case, you served Jordan, you served your relationship, you served the land, and none of that stuff was easy or is easy. Like, the work is never, ever, ever done. You know, when you toil the land, you toil the land for the rest of your life. You know, it's not like you planted once, your hands are dirty, you wash them, you're good. And that's the same, I think that's the metaphor of your life yes you know it's not like you planted once your hands are dirty you wash them you're good and that's the same i think that's the metaphor which is you know i did the work on myself it's no i'm doing the work on myself nobody did the

work i'd be very suspicious anybody said i did the work okay so you're living on the land you built this land you're not self-sufficient yet no i'm learning i took a class i learned permaculture i got my permaculture certificate. But I also just watch a shitload of YouTube videos. I mean, there's so much learning, so many people offering their understanding or their help. So anytime I have a question about anything, I just go to YouTube. So I realized this is a really powerful networking tool,

outsourcing wisdom and skills. So we started Earthspeed as a means to share our experience on the land and hopefully inspire people to take it on themselves and try homesteading and try to learn permaculture. So what exactly is Earthspeed? It's a YouTube channel. Oh, it's a YouTube channel. YouTube channel, yeah. It's a social media. Oh, it's a YouTube channel. YouTube channel, yeah. It's a social media channel. Got it, got it.

And then ultimately down the road, it'll be how-to videos and speaking to thought leaders and entrepreneurs about different ways to live in community and live closer to nature and learn how to be self-reliant. Can you tell me an early specific happy childhood memory? I think this shows the mischievous troublemaker side of me. We were kids and my grandmother used to smoke. And so we snuck some of her cigarettes and her lighter. And we went in the back of the shed and we were trying to smoke and it was gross.

So we got bored quickly. But then we realized we had this lighter and there were some leaves around and we had matchboxes so we went and we grabbed some alcohol rubbing alcohol and we doused the matchbox cars with alcohol and then we lit them on fire and then we would push them across the little piece of concrete and they would jump over the concrete and then into the pile of leaves and then the leaves would catch fire and that was so much fun until until the fire got out of control and we couldn't put it out but then it got to be even more fun because then we ran and we got the hose and we were pretending like we were firemen and trying to put out the fire and we ultimately ended up well actually i don't know if we we

succeeded but um someone came running out and like helped us put it out and we got in trouble but that was that's that's what came to mind i have this mischievous grin on my face as you're telling the story because you're basically recapping the story of Jordan, which is you live this indulgent life, which is, oh my God, matches, fire. This is so fun. You're jumping things in, ignited matchbox cars into piles of leaves.

It gets even more ridiculous. This is the good life. It gets out of hand and you realize, okay, I know this is out of hand. I'm living a life of this crazy indulgence, but my God, it's fun. And then at some point you realize, shit, I have to face this and put the fire out. And then that starts a new journey. It seems like a reaction. It seems like an ability to take hold of the fire, but what you realize you're actually starting on a completely new journey. And Earthspeed is part of that new journey. I mean, that's, you know,

basically what you want to do is teach people, show people that the new journey, the putting out the fire, the living a simpler life, it's just a better journey. It's a new journey, a new part of life. So I love that everything you're doing now

is, it actually fits that metaphor kind of brilliantly. That's amazing. Hey, thanks so much for swinging by. It's really good to see you. I haven't seen you in person in a long time and it's really nice to see you. I really appreciate it. Oh man, this was fun. If you'd like to learn more about the work Adrian is doing, check out Earthspeed on YouTube. And a special thanks to Allo Yoga, who let us use their studios to record this episode.

If you enjoyed this podcast and would like to hear more, please subscribe wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Until then, take care of yourself, take care of each other.