A Geek History of Time - Episode 370 - Dungeons & Dragons Spells That are Bonkers

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

But when I think nuclear annihilation, I think... La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la I'm gonna drink a metric fuck time of coffee and hope that I stop right before I start seeing sounds That's one of my one of my favorite I don't know if you know like yeah favorite awful thing I get it I get it Like it took the ice trays meanwhile this guy is going into unicorn cave this is better than the what is the orientation of the chicken strapped to your head question the essential part of democracy to me is not that I should spend a lot of time in governing myself, for I have many more amusing things to do. But I want to be quite certain that I can change the person who governs me without having to shoot him. That is the essence of democracy.

You mean herge? Probably. Okay. Well, I mean, yeah. I don't know if that's just, you know, my inner drama queen. Okay, so this is really hard because you're talking about like serious important things to you. The amount of jokes that, like, I think they're funny as shit. It is a geek history of time where we connect nerdery to the real world.

My name is Ed Blaylock. I'm a world history teacher here in Northern California. And earlier this week, I was dropping my son off at school. I got him out of the car, walked him into his before school extended care program. we did our handshake and then I head back to the car and I got back in my car and, you know, put my foot down on the brake and hit the ignition button. And every panel on or every light rather on my instrument panel lit up and then went cold. And everything was stone dead. and so, and by the way, this is a, this is a brand new battery.

So I'm like, oh, shit, now what's failed on the car? So I call AAA, I message my wife. I let Lee know, hey, this is what happened. I think it might be the fob, key fob might be dead, but then I started, while I was waiting for the AAA guy, started reading the descriptions of stuff and know if the if the fob was dead I should still see blinking lights or something on my on my panel this is this is electrical oh shit so I sit there for 25 minutes or so and I sit through all of the other parents showing up and dropping their kids off tow truck driver arrives not quite at the

height of drop off traffic, but like at right on the backside of the height of drop off traffic. So I got to wait a little additional time for him to be able to maneuver, you know, to get to where my car is. And he says, okay, so what happened? And I described to him what happened. He said, oh,

all right. And he doesn't sound concerned at all. And meanwhile, I'm thinking, you know, am I going to have to have them, you know, it's just going to have to go to the garage. They're going to have to look at the whole wiring harness, like what the hell? And so he, He goes, I opened the hood for him and he goes and he, uh, uh, tightens up the connectors on my battery.

And, and, and screws down. There's a clamp, uh, that, that holds the battery down. Remember what I said it's a brand new battery? When I, I installed the new battery myself. And, and when I was trying to install it, I was doing it in the carport of my house, uh, with, with a weak-ass little. electrical bulb for lighting and it was freezing fucking cold out because it was after dark. And so I was in a hurry. And yeah, so apparently I should not be allowed to do basic maintenance on my own car because

the clamps were too loose and it wound up. The battery arced on trying to start it and short it out. And that's what it was. The good news was everything got fixed. and I was able to go on my merry way. The bad news is I took a real serious blow to my sense of automotive competence in the process. So that's what I've had going on. How about you?

Well, I'm Damien Harmony. I am a U.S. history and government teacher up here in Northern California at the high school level. And I think I've talked about this before, that I tend to splurge or indulge. a little bit when it comes to shirts. Yeah. Basically, the more clever, the better. The more niche, the better. And I've also visited this upon my children.

And I dare say I'm batting a thousand with my kids and their shirts. Okay. It's never been something that they're like, oh, thanks. Like, it's always been like, oh, wow. Or laughing their ass off or whatever. Right, right. Okay. So tonight, pulled clothes out of the dryer, tossed my son a shirt.

shirt. And I was like, hey, check that out. And it was a shirt of basically like the blueprint for one of his favorite trains, the Flying Scotsman. Oh, nice. He's like, oh, I should wear this when we go to England. I'm like, yeah, you should. And then I threw him another one. And he just starts laughing his ass off because it's Thomas the tank engine. Oh, no. But his face is like contorted and screaming. Okay. And above it, it says crazy. And then And then below it it says, but that's how it goes. Because the face is actually Ozzy Osbourne's face, Thomas Afi. That's peak right there.

That is, that is amazing. I love that. Yeah. And then I show him my shirt. And my shirt, it's just abbreviations. Oh, no. And he's like, I don't, I don't know. I said, I have restored peace.

justice and security to my new empire and then underneath it that's in red and then underneath it blue is y n e and william just immediately goes into your new empire and then we just read my shirt together and it's just nice it ends with you will try uh so and he's like oh cool and i said now check out this one he's like oh that's funny um and so then uh he goes upstairs and he's like julia you want to see my shirts And she's like, sure. And she looks at the flying Scotswoman. She's like, oh, that's really cool. And then he shows her the other one.

She's like, that is first day of school level, awesome. Like that. Oh, oh, I love your daughter so much. Yes. I love that that's her first instinct. It's like, oh, no, this is the impression I need to make on everybody. Right. So then she walks into her room and I've already snuck her shirts into there.

and the first one is one of her favorite characters from a cartoon series called Owl House. Oh, okay. Rain wintergreen or something like that. Okay. Rain spinal showers. I forget rain's actually... Okay. But she'll be mad at me for that.

But she loves that character, and it's her second shirt or sweatshirt with that character. Nice. And then the other one is a wizard casting a spell. Very second edition, D&D. wizard. Yeah, yeah. And in front of him is an orange cat. And it says, I cast, I love it. Yes. And so she showed those to William. And he was like, oh, my God, that's great. And then I showed her the abbreviated shirt. And she's like, I wouldn't have gotten that in a year. I'm like, yeah, that's fine. And then I showed her the other shirt. And she's just like, oh,

that's perfect. And all it says is eight, eight. I forgot what eight was four. I take one, one, one, because you left me and two. Nice. I forget what eight was for, but nine, nine, nine from a lost God's in ten, ten. So it just says eight, eight, I forget what. I forget what eight was four. And she's like, oh, that's good. Yeah.

That's good. So I am still batting a thousand. Yes, sir. So that's good. Yeah, you know, speaking of second edition, D&D, I think it's time to revisit things that I want to come back to D&D. Okay. And maybe not come back, but things that were fucking wild in D&D. Okay.

That are no longer. So tonight's episode is spells that were fucking wild for some reason. There's a lot of those. There are. And remember, I only ever played martial characters. So for me to notice, these had to be bonkers as shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a high bar. Yeah. There. Okay. So now. I'm down for it. For this episode, I'm going to restrict the list to just first through 3.5 because nobody plays

fourth. And 5E and 24 are so prevalent in current mindsets that it would just be like putting a hat on a hat. Sorry. Yeah. Nobody with any civilized sense of reason plays forth. Anyway. Fuck you. All right.

Whatever. Anyway. Philistine. Sure. I'm the Philistine. Okay. Yeah, yes. Anyway, but.

Carrying on, because that discussion isn't worth anything really. So that said, there were some bonkers-ass spells in first through fifth or three-point-five edition. And this had a lot to do with each edition building onto or responding to the excesses and limitations that came before it. Fourth, again, was clearly trying to get back the World Warcraft crowd and managed to it once not really change this. spells, but also changed the whole game's mechanics so that it looked like the spells had changed. Yeah. Yeah. It did.

It did. That's a very concise way of describing that, that effect. Yeah. And 5E and 24 rules seem bound and determined to avoid any and all connections to the past that they can mechanically and in terms of cultural perspectives, which ain't a bad thing. Okay. As we talked about with like racial essentialism. Oh, yeah. going away for the most part.

Yeah, getting rid of all of that. When you say ties to the past, I mean... I just mean macro. I don't mean specifically in their magic. Oh, okay. Honestly, like, they have brought back the importance of material components being punts. So, yeah, which is my... Thoughts, you need copper.

Yeah. It's penny for your thoughts. Uh-huh. So... Um, and yeah, and in that way, there's this, there's this thing about fifth edition and, and fifth 2024, that I deeply love, which is there's a lot of newness. Mm-hmm. But there's also a very comforting sense of coming home. Like, like skipping not just fourth edition, but skipping third edition and going back.

I feel like on an emotional level playing fifth, the feel of the game feels more like second edition or AD&D. Because it lends itself to theater of the mind, whereas 3-5 was, okay, fine, we're a miniatures game, which honestly was a callback to the origins of. Yes. Whereas D&D left the miniatures aspect of it. behind but kept the simulationism going.

Yeah. Three, five kind of brought back the, here's why we do simulations. And then five was like, look, yes, there are miniatures. But that doesn't mean shit if you don't actually have an exciting narrative. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. So I'm actually also mostly going to just focus on spells that haven't made it all

the way through to the most recent iteration as well, or iterations that are very telling of the game at that time. Okay. So. Okay. So we're going to be looking at either evolutionary castoffs or flash in the pan. Yeah. Again, shit that was bonkers.

Right. Right, right. Yeah. So the first edition spell, the first one I'm going to come up with is augury. Okay. Divination to start with. Yeah. It's a cleric spell on the list.

Yeah. Not because it's particularly unhinged in its mechanics. Remember, first edition was all about charts. and percentage chances, right? Yeah. So a spell that has a base chance for correctly divining the augury is 70% plus 1% for every level of the cleric casting a spell. So 71% at first, 72% at second and so on.

Yeah. It's not particularly weird in that, but what you're supposed to do with the material components to do it is fucking weird. Okay. Here's the quote. Remind me. Quote, the material component for augury is a set of gem inlaid sticks. dragon bones or similar tokens, or the wet leaves of an infusion which remain in the container

after the infused brew is consumed. If the last method is used, a crushed pearl of at least a thousand gold piece value must be added to the concoction before it's consumed. Damn, son. So you got to eat or drink that shit. Yeah. That's weird. That's bonkers.

Yeah. That's what I mean. What level was augury? It was available to somebody at first or it was available to somebody casting a first level cleric spell. Wow. And the material component, if, that's an expensive set of material components for a first level spell. Yeah, that you have to drink. Like, I, well, I mean, you're reading, I mean, you're reading tea leaves.

Yes. So. Which is fine. But then you crushed up a pearl. Yeah. And that's... Really expensive fucking pearl. That's weird.

And then you only have a three-quarters, I mean, you know, give or take. Three-quarters percent. Yeah. You know, that's, that's, I don't know, with a one in, with a more than one-in-four chance of failure at under fifth level. Right. Um, I, I don't know if I'd want to be spending. that much of my hard-earned loot

I should say hard-killed-for because this is the first edition we're talking about here. Murder-Hobo-A-Ber. By the way, it's a level-2 spell. I apologize. Okay. Yeah.

All right. Well, all right. So you're at least third level. Right. And by that time, at third level, was it, would you say it was a 500 gold-piece pearl?

No, 100 gold-piece pearl. Or 100 gold-piece pearl. Okay, that's less bad. Yes. For third-le-old piece pearl. level that's not entirely unreasonable. But yeah, the addition

of the gold piece cost yeah. Is yeah, is a big deal. I think part of that might have been because, well, number one, because the

augury you're able to get, if I remember right, you ask some kind of a question. and if you and you get an answer seeks to divine whether an action in the immediate future within three turns will be for the benefit

or harmful to the party. Agri is used to find if wheel or woe will be the ultimate result to the party. And for example yeah well for example assume that a party is considering the destruction of a weird seal.

Right? Is this going to go well for us or not. Yeah. That's a pretty big deal, especially at lower level, being able to be like, okay. And especially if you have a GM at the time of AD&D, who is in the culture of, you know, my job is to make this hard and, you know, there is an adversarial element here. then yeah, that's a big deal, which explains the cost of the material component.

But yeah, having to have a brew tea and then drink it. Or you could throw sticks, you know, you could have jewel inlaid sticks. So the 100 point value is going to be in those things as well. But like the way it seems to bring it about is that like, again, a set of general. Gem inlaid sticks or dragon bones or similar tokens. Again, how are you going to fucking get dragon bones? Like, that shit's expensive, right? Yeah.

A gem inlaid sticks by definition, right? Yeah. Or similar tokens. So the cost is all there. The difference is those you can throw in the air a bunch of times. You know, it reminds me of Willow's trainer, you know? The bones, consult the bones, right? Right, right.

Yeah, yeah. Or you have to drink a pearls worth of tea. Like that's, that's. That's odd. So, all right. Next first edition spell, that's bonkers. Sticks to snakes. Okay.

It is what it says on the tin. Yes. And there were a very, there were a ton of very specific spells that were specific in this same way. But this is so quintessentially AD&D in its narrow specificity that would absolutely fuck with a game. So based on your level, you turn a stick into a snake. Right. This includes torches, quarterstaff, spears, firewood, arrows, all sticks.

Yeah. So that's, again, weirdly specific and also cool. And obviously kind of biblical. Yes, that was what I was waiting to bring up. Yeah. You know, it's a cleric spell. And so many of the first edition cleric spells were very clearly cribbed out of miracles out of the Bible. Right.

You know, or, you know, a couple of them, I think, were taken from medieval saints tales, which is also. Right. Apropos. It's a fourth level spell, by the way. Yeah. And it's reversible. So, snakes to sticks. If we run into a bunch of snakes, I can polymorph some of them into harmless firewood.

Yeah. What I think is bonkers about that is, is the reversible part. Yeah. Because you talk about weirdly specific. It's like, well, if we run into, if we specifically run into snakes. Yeah. I can, you know. And I'm trying to remember, I think, if I remember correctly, in AD&D, you had to pray for or memorize.

Yeah. The reversed version specifically. Like you couldn't, you couldn't pray to Osiris and say, you know, I need sticks to snakes. and then oh crap we're being attacked by Asps and cast the reversal because you know you had to be prepared with the reversal right you know I'm reading the spell and it doesn't say you have to have the reversal memorized it just it gives uh that would be a very rare exception to an otherwise pretty ironclad rule yeah uh you know because heal and harm right was a big big deal. You know, cause serious wounds. You, number one, I think you couldn't be a good cleric to cast it. You can only be neutral or evil.

And, you know, you had to pray for cause serious wounds. Yeah. So here's what it says. The probability of a snake thus changed being venomous is 5% per. level of the experience of the spellcaster so that there is a 55% probability of any given snake created by the spell being poisonous when sticks are turned to snakes by an 11th level cleric. Yeah.

And also, if you did do the reversal, you could only do up to 10 of the snakes. Yeah. So. Well, because you know, you don't want it to be O.P. obviously. Yeah. Which then leads me to wonder, like, how many snakes are you going to be running into in a given in character? daughter.

That's a good question. I mean, I mean, I suppose it depends on, you know, who's running the campaign. Like in a Conan campaign, if you're playing in Heiboria, right. Like, we're going up against the cult of set, man, I'm, I'm turning that spell five times, you know. Come sail away, my friend. Yeah. You know, but, you know, in almost any other setting, unless like, you're specific, unless you're going up against an opponent like the cult of set,

like snakes are their thing. Like now when you mentioned the spell the first time, though, the first thing that occurred when you mentioned this spell, the first thing that occurred to me was my memory of the Dungeons and Dragons multiplayer arcade game. Did you ever, did you ever play that one? No, because I'm thinking of all it, so I clearly didn't play it.

Yeah. It was, it was a scrolling, essentially a scrolling fighter, multiplayer. Like a side scroll? Yeah, a side scroller. And the party would be on the left-hand side, and all the monsters came from the right, you know, standard kind of thing. And you could be the fighter, the cleric, the elf. I'm trying to remember what all the characters were. But the cleric, the clerics special, one of the cleric's special abilities was

sticks to snakes and he he had the spell memorized I don't even know how many times because you could spam sticks to sticks to snakes Oh that's right back then you had to memorize iterations of the spell too Right yeah well and I mean this was an arcade game So you know obviously they simplify

Right but I'm saying like that that actually is is an improvement Yeah yeah And it was it was funny because The animation was literally him flinging twigs and them hitting the ground and puffs of smoke and then snakes would streak at whatever was in front of him. Wow. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Okay. So yeah, I have those memories of sticks to snakes. And in that context, it was a pretty cool attack thing. Absolutely. But on the tabletop, it's, as you say, oddly specific. Well, and that's a lot of the bonkers first ed ones were oddly. specific. So the next one, tree. That sounds like an internet meme. I cast

tree. Right. You know, it's, this is a druid spell. It's super effective. It's a druid spell. And you literally turn into a tree or a shrub, which is impossible to see through as a spell through any non-magic means. So I turn into a tree. You can't look and go that there is a person who cast tree. You have to use magic to detect. that I turned myself into a tree. Turned myself into a tree.

So you spent the time in trouble of learning a spell as a druid to look like a fucking tree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So. So, okay, because of research I've been doing recently for the podcast,

uh-huh. The idea of a player character. By the way, it's a third-level druid spell. Yeah, so you've got to be. fifth level. Yeah. It's tree and water breathing are like the two. The big, the big third levels for druids.

There's also stone shape, pyrotechnics. There's a lot of good third level spells. Call lightning. But no, I chose tree. Tree. That's the thing. It's in there with cure disease. Old animal. Plant growth. Yeah. Protection from fire.

Yeah. Tree. Tree. Tree. I cast tree and protection from fire. And the thing is, fuck you. The thing is,

I, as a player now, I look for the most useless spells. I played a bard through like 12 levels that I took literally two offensive

spells the whole time. And everything else was find ways to not actually do direct damage. Like, that's fun. Like the NPCs that I put with my kids

are people who are lore bards or their people who have healing, but there's no offensive spells because I want the kids to get all the, the fun. Yeah. But like I, so I make it a thing where I can nudge the plot with their magic, but, but that's all I'm going to do. Right.

So, so Tree absolutely would have worked. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I would have loved it now, but are you kidding me? Like, some enlightening. Tree. Yeah. And, and.

And so again, weird stream of consciousness segue, but in the research that I've been doing for the podcast for, you know, the next thing I'm doing, when you say, when you describe this spell that, you know, you turn into a tree and, and, you know, you can only be detected by magic, right? Right. I'm reminded of the Monty Python skit how to not be seen. I don't know that one. Have you said? Oh, so, so John Cleese does the narration. And it's, and this is how not to be seen. And he goes through and, you know, first you must find a spot to hide.

Mr. Smith of whatever weird British place name has not. found a place to hide. Boom. And, you know, the suit of clothes gets flung up in the air by an explosion. He says, and, you know, now, now we have Mr. Jones from wherever, wherever, who has learned his lesson and is hiding quite well. And there's a picture of a field with one shrub, like right in the middle of it. And it says, Mr. Jones, will you come out, please?

ah he's clever because he doesn't he doesn't pop up unfortunately mr jones has chosen a rather obvious piece of cover boom so i'm just picturing you know oh shit they're coming over the hill uh you all keep running i'll i'll you know i can't keep up i'll stay here tree and you know bad guys come over the hill and there's this one tree sitting in the middle of a field and in all Honestly, you'd run right past it chasing after the people. Well, probably. You'd be like, all right. Yeah.

But yeah. No. Tree. Yeah, tree. That's the thing right there. So here's another one. Finger of death. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Now, this is a seventh level druid spell. Mm-hmm. Now, why I highlight this one as being bonkers is it save or die. There is no middle ground. There's no nothing. It's a perfect example of. just how awful a DM could be.

What is the point when the random number generator rolls under your norm for this particular spell? You fucking die. There's no appeal, no mitigation. You're dead and it's permanent. Yes. Why?

Yeah. Well, first edition, first edition was full of this stuff. And it was the, and it is, it is bullshit. Similarly, in first edition,

disintegrate, I think, was another one where if you save, you take a shit ton of damage. And if you don't save, you're just obliterated. Yeah. And disintegrate is still a bad spell. But, you know, it's if you don't save, you take a shit ton of damage. And if you do save, you take a significantly reduced amount modernly. but you know disintegrate was this way

power word kill was this way that was the wizard kind of version of this just pointed at the dragon you know yeah save save or die and there were there were several

ways that this kind of thing like soul jar you could you know your character wasn't technically dead but your character's soul got sucked out of their body and placed in a demiplane oh that's right

I mean there's just so much of this shit and And yeah, I feel like it was the designers. And this is much more of a Gygax side rather than an arnison side kind of thing. It was trying to be like, well, you know, now you're in the big leagues and the risks are, you know, real. There's, you know, real peril. Because mechanically, once a character had the number of hit points that a character had at 12th level. you were going to be real hard for the DM to threaten, if that makes sense.

You know, the biggest, baddest red dragon in the game in first edition, AD&D, at 88 hit points. That's it. Yeah, because it was 11 hit dice. Right. And as an ancient dragon, it had eight hit points per die. and as a fighter at 10th level, you could conceivably have more hit points than the dragon you were fighting.

And so this was, I think, the kludge that, you know, the designers of the game, mostly Gagax, like I said, I think, were trying to use to create a sense of threat at higher level. Yeah. And I understand why you, you know, still need to keep it, you know, at least there needs to be at least a little bit of an edge for it to be meaningful.

There have to be stakes. But the binary nature of it, the over simplicity of save or die is, is unfun. See, to me, it's. It strikes me as a We want to be done We want a chance to just Terminate this entire adventure And start over

Like there's kind of a Like oh shit It's closing time We've got one more round of wargaming left That's what it feels like to me But okay I can see that Like you said

Like mechanically it makes sense On some level of like oh fuck He needs to go home Okay And again Character death was a much less of a, it was much more likely

and therefore much less of a big deal. Yeah. So you weren't fully invested in your characterization and stuff like that. Now people are very precious about their characters. But back then, it was understood that you're going to go through

like, you know, a bunch. Yeah. And, you know, you talk about now people are very precious about their characters. If you spend any time on any kind of Dungeons and Dragons chat board.

Mm-hmm. You will see the generational shifting of that attitude. Like you'll have guys that are older than you and me, you know, true, no-kitting paleo gamers, who, you know, have kind of a, kind of a callous attitude about it. Mm-hmm. And then you'll have, you know, our, our, you know,

I would say second generation D&D players, you and me and our cohort are a little bit more attached in general. I mean obviously individuals differ.

And then like people who are really into it and are playing games that are trying to emulate critical role and that kind of stuff like when a character dies it is it is a

it is an earth-shattering campaign altering kind of event, you know, and the differing attitudes make for, make for an interesting contrast when people are talking about issues like what we're talking about, about save or die stuff. Especially in session zero, like where you ask everybody and then, you know, they write down or they share if it's okay to even kill their character. Like that is a question I ask people now in session zero. Are you okay with me killing your character?

And the answers are either no or kill away or if it matters to the story, go for it. And that's kind of the three goalposts that I have for or the milestones that I have for tell me if it's okay to kill your character. And there are some people who are like, I'm not interested in playing a game where like mortal terror is a thing. And I'm like, that I have to shift how I run a game. Yeah. And I don't mind that because, again, I have to be creative. Like, okay, cool. Let's not recreate feudalism.

Um, but like it's, it's interesting to me, like that, that I have to adjust in that way and that people actually, again, I come from a, you're running the game. Like, I don't have a say as to whether or not you kill my character. Yeah. You know? Yeah, the idea of. That's what I come from. Game Master. Game Master Fiat. Right.

But now people are like straight up like, no, I took all the time in trouble to create this character. I don't want him to die. And it's like, okay. Like that's. And again, my thing is also like I don't want capricious death. I don't want Tasha Yard death. Right. That's a really good example.

Yeah. I want Warf's wife death. Oh, there you go. Or is it J or K in Blade Runner? Oh, like I'm going to fucking know that. Come on. Yeah, I know. I know.

But in the second Blade Runner film, right. The protagonist, spoiler alert, the protagonist dies at the end after having kind of achieved the goal of his quest. but he staggers out into the snow. Snow is falling and he falls over and he's bleeding out in the snow, staring up into the sky. And it has this, you know, this melancholy dramatic kind of ending.

And like my answer to your question would be only if I get to go out that way. Yeah. So for me, it's, you know, I want Colson death. Okay. Or I want,

or I want Iron Man death. Okay, yeah. I don't want Tasha death. No, I don't think anybody wants Tasha death. No, but people used to, like, that was the norm. Oh, yeah. You know, well, yeah. And you go down the path in the dungeon and you don't think to use your ball bearings.

And then a crush trap hits you and you die. Yeah, right. Yeah, rocks fall, everybody dies. Right. A trope. Like, but it was a thing that, like, you could count on possibly happen. Whereas like I'm like no I I want my death to either advance the plot for all the other characters Yeah or I want it to be at the end and it shows I I'm okay with

My death is what shows how serious the BBEG is now go get them boys you know that kind of thing or yeah I plug the door so that everybody can escape that's fine too whatever yeah, but again I want it to be cinematic I want it to be a worthy death I do not want a Tasha your death. Yeah and I I I just said nobody wants Tashira death. And actually, I realize I'm wrong because there is the OSR movement, or not OSR. Anyway, the OD&D, that's what I'm looking for, original D&D movement, who, you know, they have developed a bunch of games that harken back to, you know, very, very early D&D, And, you know, part of the idea of you are buying this game, you are playing this game is this game is built around the idea that yard death is a thing.

And you're going to have three or four characters, you know, ready to play. And so there are people who want to do that because they're looking for that, I don't want to say low fantasy, but that kind of low fantasy-esque really, really gritty, really, no, no, you are in fact a cell sword, you know, mercenary. Yeah. And death is everywhere and ever present for you. And let's see how lucky and good

you can be. Yeah. Yeah. Which, again, there's, I got no problem with that, but I've noticed less and less of that. Yeah. Well, and yeah, neither one of us are into that stuff. So, you know. So, um, the next one is Rary's mnemonic enhancer. Oh yeah

Getting into the named Getting into the named wizard spells Okay So this spell This spell which is a fourth level Magic user spell It's not bat shit for what it is It's bat shit for its components

Which don't include bat shit I must say though Because guano is actually a component For fireball, yeah But at this point That a lot of the material components for these spells are wonderful jokes. Like I've said, they're often based on old colloquialisms.

Fear requires a hen's heart or a white feather. Yep. And I love the white feather because I love that movie, right? Yeah. Remember the movie Four Feathers, right? Right. British polite society's way of calling somebody a coward was to give them a white feather. So how cool.

A chicken's heart, obviously, right? Yep. Tongues required a clay ziggarot that shattered upon use because babble. Yep. Suggestion took a drop of honey. Mm-hmm. Because you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Yep.

Infravision required a dried carrot. Yep. Now, I think I've talked about this before, but just in case people, like, got to us in the 300s and not the 100s. The reason why everybody thinks that carrots are good for night vision. Right. Because they are scientifically not. They do have some of the same vitamins that help your eyes, but so do a whole bunch of other fruits and vegetables that... And it's no greater than those, right?

But here's what happened. In World War II, there was a pilot who got shot down over Germany. And when they shot down pilots over Germany, they interrogated. they interrogated the fuck out of them. And they interrogated him and they said, so tell us about how you can survive against our flak. Or no, it was against our fighters at night. How are you able to see our bombers when we're blitzing?

And he says, oh, and the thing is, the British had really good radar. They had sent a metric radar where everybody else had metric radar. Right. And they protected that secret with all kinds of lies, this one being one of them. And the pilot says, oh, God, well, that's easy. We all eat carrots. And they're like, what? He says, well, yeah, because, like, the carrots grow further up north, and you guys keep bombing us.

So we planted carrots up north, and that's in our rations, and we eat a lot of carrots. And carrots give you good night vision. just made it up whole cloth yeah and the Germans immediately took that information back to HQ and immediately the German people were made to grow carrots because they thought that that would help them against Allied bombing campaigns

Yep The other one I like is that they There was a guy who He was again a British pilot that got shot down This happens a lot and they're interrogating him And they're like so tell us about how you use radar to or sonar to

to find our U-boats from above from your planes. How are you able to find them so easily? And he says, oh, our radar is rubbish. What we do is we listen for your anti-sonar devices.

And when we hear those, that's where we know to drop the bombs. And this is brilliant because, number one, they're still not on to how good your radar is. Or sonar in this case Yeah, sonar And number two,

You've just gotten them to turn off The one thing that could help them know That you're using it Yep Oh God I mean there's also awful stories too Of like One of the things that you do

If you're a British spy Is you always misspell certain words A certain way And so because if you get caught as a spy They either kill you or they try to turn you If they try to make you a double agent You now spell those words correctly Right

Because they wouldn't know, right? Well, one of the guys who was running spies, you know, like the spy master guy, he gets a note from one of his spies who's been captured. He doesn't know he's been captured because, you know, well, he doesn't accept that he's been captured, basically. He says, write a note back to him to let him know that he's already spelling the words right that he's supposed to misspell to let us know that he's still safe. Are you fucking kidding? So, again, there's a misconduct. is um wow yeah wow so anyway yeah um and and part of the part of that story that i love so much yeah is in both of the of the first two stories anyway yeah is it just gives you a clue about

how dumb fascists are it can be yeah like you know radar is a really new technology like i mean that's true if you told the guys in charge of like the air force well the air core in World War I, that there would be a device to be able to detect guys in the sky before you could ever see them. Like, they would have just laughed their ass off at you. That kind of technology wasn't even on their radar.

Well, yeah, all of the doctrine that got developed out of World War I was based on the assumption that airplanes were always going to be able to move so fast that you would not be able to effectively intercept them. Right. which obviously that that didn't last so so infarvision dried carrots right right and so what does the mnemonic enhancer require it requires a piece of string which makes sense most mnemonic devices are words that are strung together okay it also requires an ivory tablet

elephants tied to ivory they're known for having great memories okay and then shit gets weird You either need squid ink combined with either black dragon blood or giant slug digestive juice What in the actual fuck? Is this just like we want you to go on quests and find this shit? It sounds like it, but like the other two made perfect sense and then you need squid ink combined with these things These specific things. I don't know what black dragon blood does for your memory. I don't know what giant slug digestive juice does.

for your memory. Yeah. And what the spell does is so simple. It lets you memorize three additional spells with all the Gygaxian conditions tacked on to it. But you have to have either Black Dragon Blood or giant slug digestive juice mixed with squid ink. Like... Yeah. This is, this is, again, we're going to give you.

access to this trick you can do. Right. But in order to do it, we're going to make it really demanding. Well, and who's going to... We're going to limit... We're going to even more than just making it a fourth level spell, which is a pretty big deal by itself. Right.

And in fairness, a fourth level spell that gives you three bonus spells, okay. I get it. That's valuable. Yeah. But you just made it impossible for me to want to ever take it. Yeah. And again, it's a magic. user spells. So it has to be like, I don't get to just pray from a list. I have to have actually chosen this. Yeah. And, and memorized it for the day and then cast it and then figure out what the other three spells are. Yeah. So it gives you essentially two bonus spells. Yes. Which isn't nothing. No. That's great. You know, especially in first edition. Yeah. You know.

Especially for a magic user. especially for yeah especially for especially for yeah yeah and then and then

they go and then they go and then they go and make the the material component part of it bonkers as a as a further

limitation you know so we're gonna we're gonna make sure to keep you from you know when you get to 10th level

and you have two fourth level spells available to prevent you from spamming this one and getting all these other bonus spells. We're going to make this one really hard and expensive.

Right. And also, again, like, just the variety that you need for this spell to go off. Like, it just, yeah. Anyway, so the next one, death spell. Yeah. Which, I mean, it's what it says on the tin, right? Yeah. So it's like a sleep spell, but far more permanent.

but at its core it's a similar mechanic. Right. Okay, here's what makes it bonkers. Listen to this shit. Quote, When a death spell is cast, it slays creatures in the area of effect instantly and irrevocably.

The number of creatures which can be so slain is a function of their hit dice. First, simply roll the dice to see how many creatures of less than two hit dice are affected. Kill all these, then use the conversion to kill all two to four hit dice monster.

etc if not enough of the number remains to kill the higher levels they remain this system can be reversed by applying it to hired hit dice victims first example the 4d 20 when rolled indicates a total of 53 20 of this is used to kill 1 6 plus 4 to 8 plus 3 die creature 20 times 0.5 equals i 16 are used to kill 2 4 plus 1 to 6 plus 3 hit die creature hit creatures, 16 times 0.125 equals 2.12 are used to kill three, two to four die creatures, three times four equals 12, and the remainder can be used to kill off five less than two dice creatures, five times one equals five, i.e. 20 plus 16 plus 12 plus 5 equals 53. A death spell does not affect lichenthropes, undead creatures, or creatures from other than the prime material

plane. Okay, wait, wait, wait, all right. So you were with me until then. Really? Yeah, no. Well, no, I wanted you to get through. I wanted you to get through the algebra lesson. Because I didn't want to interrupt the level of what, what, what, the fuck. Okay.

But I'm, did you like the Linda McMahon reference, by the way? Yeah. You might not have caught it. So 20 times 0.5 equals I. Yeah. It's nice. But the. the exclusion of lichenthropes.

Right. Like, what is that? Like, you go through, you go through all of this. I get. Okay, undead, that makes sense. They're already there. Yeah.

But lichenthropes? And extra planar creatures. Okay, I get that too. Sure. Inherently magical. Right. And have weird shit going on. So that makes sense.

But werewolves. You can't use the spell to kill werewolves or wear rats. I, why? Right. I don't. Right. Yeah.

And so that's, that's, that's the point where I balked and had to say something. Yeah. Partly because you lost me for a long train of. I lost myself. This many plus this many. Yeah. Hit dies, you know, eight, eight plus three hit diet. Like, oh, Jesus.

And I remember. You brought back flashbacks. Like sitting here, I started hearing painted black by the Rolling Stones and like heard choppers in the background. Right. Because, oh my God, the math hammer involved in so many of these things. What level was this spell? This was, oh, good question.

Let me pull up the player's handbook. so death spell Spell tables you are more than welcome to talk while I'm doing this because this is not a very exciting content. Okay well I'm seeing what I can find here okay can I start it here we go

Death spell here we go six level Magic user spell yeah okay Among the other six level magic user spells Anti-magic shell Bigbee's force full hand Which by the way there were a bunch of different Bigby's. Control weather, death spell, disintegrate. Yeah.

Extension. Gius, glassy. Yeah. Yeah. Lower water. Tensors transformation. Stone to flesh. Yeah.

Spirit rack. There's a lot that I was like, okay. There's a whole lot. Yeah. Yeah. So death spell. Hey, kids, you like math. Yeah.

Necromancy. Yeah. Well, and part of that was, you know, okay, you roll this many dice and you figure out how many hit dice you affect. And part of the issue was that... It's what if I have leftovers? Well, one, what if I have leftovers? But it's also that there were so many creatures that were this many hit dice plus this many hit points. So, you know, two plus one hit dice.

So you roll 2D8 and then add one to each die, you know, so they're so they're, it's not, they're not just two hit dies. They're two plus one. And they had, you know, on the, on the hit tables for monsters, like a one, a one hit die creature and a one plus one hit die creature were different. And a one plus one hit die creature was different from a two hit die creature. Right. What the fuck. And in this edition, one of the big deals about playing a ranger was you started first level with two hit dice because so much stuff was based on hit dice that like as a ranger you were less likely to be affected by a sleep spell or, you know, other other stuff that, you know, the other side, the antagonists would throw at you. Right.

And hit dice were just such a pain and he asked to calculate so often. And so that's the reason they had to do that fucking breakdown. So. But yeah. Yeah. So what should be a pretty straightforward spell is now going to take up two pages in the book because you have to go into an integer. And two pages of your, your player's journal to do the math. Right.

So never mind. Yeah. All right. So that's all the first edition. Second edition. Mm. We're into second edition. We see a lot of codification of the underlying infrastructures that we recognize today.

A lot of this comes from the player's handbook for AD&D 2E. Magic is no different. They list out the schools of magic. They delineate better the different types of magic, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First spell. Protection from cantrips. And again, the level of specificity.

Right. Now we, in fifth ed and in 2015, 24. Canterps matter a lot because they're the free spells that people can do. Yeah. You know, but, but so this is not our overpowered or anything, but it does seem like because, oh no, you protect yourself from cantrip. Okay, I guess I won't fire, you know, uh, ray of frost at you. Yeah. I'll hit you with magic missile. It's a first level spell. Here we go. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But it does seem like the ultimate eschetic or grumpy boss spell.

Okay. So cantrips back then. used to be, the cantrip back then as a spell, used to be basically what we use presidigitation as now. Back in the day, almost any spell had a reversible quality to it, and this was hyper-specific for something really fucking small.

What's that? You made all their soup warm? No, you didn't. Yep. And my favorite part is that it's a second-level spell. Yeah. what I feel like is this was interstitial, like, not interstitial, that's another word I'm looking for, but this was a kind of a rules reflection of somebody having thought about something that was world building, which is like, okay, you know, wizards have apprentices and they want to try to, you know, get their apprentices to learn discipline and, you know, whatever and not to use magic, you know, wastefully. Right.

And so how do they, how do they make sure that they did? Like, this was, this was a couple of players getting stoned and or a couple of game designers, uh, getting stoned or, or having several beers. Sure. And talking about like, well, you know, okay, so, you know, what's, what's the point of, of, you know, fetching water or whatever. Once you learn cantrip as an apprentice, you can just do all that stuff. And I was like, well, yeah, no, but, you know, somehow you're mastered have to have

some kind of way to prevent you from doing that. And here we go. which is why it's a second level spell. Because you have to be at least third level to cast it. And it is oddly specific. And you look at it and you're like, how is this going to be useful to an adventuring wizard? And the answer is it's not.

Unless he's an adventuring wizard from the school of petty. Yeah, well, yeah. Like that's a level of commitment to petty. Like, and honestly, he indeed totally fostered that. Oh, oh, 100%. It's like, I'm just going to take all the. spells that make you miserable but don't hurt you i'm going to give you so-and-so's constant itch or

you know this kind of thing like like that one that one i don't remember which marvel series it was where thanos had just picked this one guy oh god ruined every birthday the guy had just to prove that he could do it yeah and then like didn't let him kill himself yeah like it was like it starts off so petty but then it ends up so mean and sad yeah yeah So, okay, here's a third-level wizard conjuration spell. Sepea snake sigil. Yeah, I remember this one. It is so specific.

Here's a quote. When this spell is cast, a small written symbol appears in the text of any written work. When red, the so-called sepia snake springs into being and strikes at the nearest living creature, but does not attack the wizard who casts a spell. Its attack is made as if it were a monster with a hit-dice. equal to the level of the wizard who cast the spell. If it strikes successfully, the victim is engulfed in a shimmering amber field of force, frozen and immobilized until released, either at the caster's command,

or by a successful dispel magic spell, or until time equal to 1D4 days plus one, per caster level, has elapsed. Until then, nothing can get at the victim, move the shimmering force surrounding him, or otherwise affect him. The victim does not age, grow hungry, sleep, or regain spells while in this state. He is not aware of his surroundings. If the sepias snake misses its target, it dissipates in a flash of brown light with a loud noise and a puff of dun-colored smoke that is 10 feet in diameter and last for one round. This spell cannot be detected by normal observation, and detect magic reveals only that the entire text is a magical.

A dispel magic can remove it and a race spell destroys the entire page of text. It can be cast in combination with other spells that hide or garble text. Again, this is a final fuck you by the boss when you finally found his grimoire, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it is obviously a trap. Yeah. I could see somebody using it. I could see somebody using it.

though as a protection against like oh shit the dragon's coming yeah it's it's Indiana Jones hiding under the sarcophagus yeah you know in the petroleum but good fucking God

like yeah again third level spell would you take fireball would you take Cepia Sinks sigil like just

Yeah. Yeah. I, I, you know, I didn't actually take my next level in Magic User. I took it in Petty. Yeah. Yeah. I took it and you should have returned your library books. I'm a multi-class wizard slash hater. Right. I mean, doesn't it on some level feel kind of like, you know, the old gag of like you open a can and snakes pop out like spring snakes? Oh, well, yeah, like literally. I think, you know. Also, number one, a brown light, that's weird. Which, cool, theater of the mind. This is when miniatures didn't run the game. Also, on top of that, like, just the, the, how to put this?

The, the, you've got the, the, the nothing can get at the victim and all this shit. So, like, now I have to spend a. another spell to stop this from happening to my friend after it's happened. Like it's, it's really good at like sapping resources for a group. Oh, yeah. Well,

this is, this is a kind of magical landmine. Yes. Oh, I like that. Because, you know, in military doctrine,

when you use landmines, you actually don't want to kill infantry. You want to wound them. Right. Because that takes more than one guy out of the fight because his buddy has to drag him, you know, back behind the lines for medical aid. This is exactly that. It's, oh, well, now you're going to need to use up some of your spell slots.

You know, if you, if also, by the way, the way I'm envisioning this getting used, the party may be fucked. Because, you know, if you're, if you're running a standard size game. It's the one guy who can dispel. It's the one guy who can do anything unless party cleric is like, oh, well, you know, I get access. to dispel magic too, so give me a minute. Right. But, you know, but part of that means we're going to have to make camp and

we're going to have to stay here in the library overnight so we can get him out of this. Right? Which then, you know, leaves the party sitting in a room. You know, if your DM's a dick. I spike the door immediately.

Yeah. I'm just saying yeah. So yeah. Here's another one. Leoman's, well, just real quick. It's a third level. I just, I got to say that again. It's a third level conjuration spell. You can take lightning bolt or this.

Yeah. Yeah. You want fireball? No. I'm going to lay a landmine in the hopes that you go to a book. See, in universe. Yeah. I, you know, the idea is, well, yeah, it's a third level spell.

So you have to be at least fifth level to use it. and, you know, you're not going, like when you first hit third level as an adventuring wizard, this obviously isn't going to be the one you pick, but later on. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the, it's one of the slop ones. Like, okay, I've gotten the offensive ones. I've gotten the divination ones. All right, yeah, I'll take this. Yeah, okay.

I'm only going to cast it once, but. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so the next one is Leomin's lamentable, lamentable belaborment. Oh. It's an evocation or enchantment spell that is a fifth level wizard spell. Okay. It only has a verbal component, given what the spell actually does.

I think that's pretty funny. Also, the fact that it's called Leoman's lamentable belaborment, and it only has a verbal. Like, the verbal has to just be saying the spell. Fuck, that's hard. Yeah. Yeah. So here's the quote. This devious spell distracts the subject to creatures by drawing them into an absorbing

discussion on topics of interest to them. I'm just going to stop for a second so we can both appreciate that it is, you found a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just at this point, I'm now just picturing like a couple of giants, you know,

sitting down in the middle of combat and putting on headphones. You know what it is? It's the three-headed guy from Holy Grail. Oh, let's be nice to him. Oh, yeah. It's that. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Totally. Okay. So drawing them into an absorbing. I want this one back. A chain of responses occurs during the next 11 rounds with additional saving throws as described later. 11 rounds. That's hysterical.

That's fucking insane. And the other thing, the other thing to keep in mind, this is second edition. Mm-hmm. In second edition, the combat round was still one minute. No, that's combat turn, right? Oh, no, a round. A turn was like 10 minutes.

Whoa. I'm looking it up to confirm. Fact check that shit. Yeah, because holy fucking shit. So during the next 11 rounds, with additional saving throws as described later, these responses are conversations rounds one through three.

Possible, rounds four through six. then either rage or lamentation round seven through 11. Okay, say that again. Sure. Sorry. These responses are conversation rounds one through three,

possible confusion, rounds four through six, and then either rage or lamentation round seven through 11. You're going through the stages of having to talk to me. No, no, you know what it is? You know what it is?

You summon a spectral Damien who immediately starts talking about the time he was in line to get an autograph. Oh, yeah, yeah, a sconce muffin, that one. Or, you know, your frog in the curry, whatever the... Oh, yeah, the Brett Hart one, yeah. Yeah, like, and at the very end, the fury of, oh, my God, I've been sitting here this long, and that's your fucking punchline. Yeah, or where I redo, like, I tell you an entire story.

and it actually turns out it's just the lyrics to 18 in life by Skid Row. I fucking hate you sometimes. It's summon a Damian, not a Damon. Yeah, yeah. No, the spelling is critical here. You actually got the lower level, but much more psychologically damaging version of the spell. So, yes, I am going to quote to you, by the way. Yeah, please.

that in AD&D the combat round is approximately one minute in second edition AD&D yeah yeah so I'm just sitting with that for a second yeah that's a long time

fucking kidding me that no I'm not I'm totally not and and the round was at that time they had segments and the round was broken down into 10 that's right based on your weapon yeah and speed factor and second edition

initiative was rolled on a D10 and yeah so 11 to start with 11 minutes yeah right holy fucking shit I was taking for granted that rounds were six seconds still no no

wow that's just a whole other level what okay I guess you guys get away like this is way better than count a jar oh yeah oh And the thing is, and here's the deal. I totally understand why you want to bring this, bring this spell back because number one, it's objectively goddamn funny.

Yes. And number two, it is a perfect example of a, oh, no, I'm not taking damage spells. I'm taking shit that's going to make the game master tear his hair out. Yeah, I will damage the game master. I will give my DM a head full of gray hair. This is, I declare war. on God. Yeah.

What are you going to do? You're only casting a, what did I say? It's a fifth level spell. You got to be pretty high up there, right? So you've got to be like eighth level? Ninth. Ninth.

You've got to be ninth level, right? Yeah. But when you do, you declare war on God. Like, yeah. Yeah. And what I really love about this is that means that the opponents are going to be casting this

aren't going to be like goblins. You're going to be casting this on. Giants. You're going to be casting this. The occasional you can try. Dragon's probably going to have a pretty good save bonus. But, you know, yeah, you're going to be

the opponents you're going to be casting this on aren't going to be mooks. They're going to be like real threats. These are all of a sudden. Who are supposed to be protecting the BBEG. Yeah. And they're talking about carburetors. Don't drive like my brother.

don't drive like my brother. Right. Yeah. It's the stormtroopers talking about, you know, the new speeder that they saw when Obi-Wan is working his way toward the tractor beam. Yeah. You know. All saving throws are affected by the creature's intelligences, as noted later.

And there's a chart. The subject creatures must be able to understand the language in which the spellcaster speaks. Upon casting the spell, the wizard begins a discussion. of some germane top some topic germane to the creature or creatures to be affected. Those making a successful saving throw versus the spell are unaffected. Affected creatures immediately begin to converse with the spellcaster, agreeing or disagreeing, all most politely. As long as the spellcaster chooses, he can maintain the spell by conversing with the subjects. If the castor is attacked or otherwise distracted, the subject creatures do not notice.

The wizard can leave at any time after the casting, and the subjects continue on as if the castor were still present. As long as they're not attacked, the creatures ignore all else going on around them, spending their time talking and arguing to the exclusion of all other activities. So just imagine casting this on the hound and the mountain. Oh, that's hysterical. Or on Circe and Jamie. like just oh yeah like everything's crashing down around them and they're just like yeah yeah duck season rabbit season duck season yeah yeah wow however when the castor leaves each subject completes only the stage of the spell that it is currently in and then the spell is broken so here's what you do

by the way oh there's still more to it by the way but i'm just going to break in here's what you do somebody slaps the ass of the wizard and gives him haste. Okay. He compels them to stay and talk about all the dumb shit. The party goes and does everything they need to do for the next more than 12 minutes. Right. Comes back through and they leave. And then the spellcaster's like, all right, here we go.

And he hastes the fuck out of there. Like slap him on. Nice. On the way out. And then he gets the fuck out of there too. Like he needs to stay there to distract. them but like yeah yeah that is wow yeah it gets

more if the caster maintains the spell for more than three rounds each affected creature can roll another saving throw versus the spell those failing to save wander off in confusion for 1D10 plus two rounds staying away from the spell caster I'm done I'm done fuck it I'm out of here I'm leaving I swear to God I found it it was in a book

I just I need to find the book I just oh yeah Yeah. Those who make the saving throw continue to talk and roll saving throws each round that the castor continues to spell up through the sixth round to avoid the confusion effect. So they can still converse instead. Okay. So either you wander off in confusion or you stick around because you're invested in the fight. If this spell, again, it's summon Damien. Oh, my God.

If this spell is maintained more than six rounds, each subject must roll a successful saving throw versus the spell to avoid. going into a rage, attacking all other subjects of the spell with the intent to kill. See, here's the deal. If I was running a game and this spell got cast. Yeah. I'd roll the dice behind the screen and completely ignore them, and they'd, they'd, they'd, yeah. They'd make it all the way to the end and, and then, you know, because this is a Monty Python skit. A hundred percent.

That's entirely what this is. Oh, my God. This range lasts for 1D4 plus one rounds. Oh, yeah. Oh. And that's after you've had them for the other seven rounds. Yeah. Right.

And they beat the confusion enough to stick with it. To stay with it. Then they get mad. Yeah. Those who successfully save against the rage effect realize that they have been deceived and collapsed to the ground lamenting their foolishness for 1D4 rounds, unless otherwise disturbed or attacked. Geemone, Christmas.

So if they fail their initial save, like, they're, they're. They're invested in this conversation. They're done. Yeah. Like, as the party, you just keep walking and you don't need to worry about them anymore. The shift change comes, and, like, why are you crying on the ground? I've been fooled. I've been fooled.

He said that muffins were scons. Yeah That's hysterical This spell I do want to bring that one back Yeah I'm gonna house rule that When I when I

Yeah When I when I run a campaign next I'm house ruling that Because that's too good to let die It is the ultimate 30 year old Conservative guy who's just asking questions And totally isn't racist or sexist Or homophobic but goes on campus

To debate freshman in public spaces By rage baiting them Spell I just love that D&D predicted that such a thing would be so useful. It would happen. Yeah. I immediately, I am now picturing, you know, a blackguard, you know, like you say, the lieutenant of the big bad evil guy, you know, raising his sword, the wizard casts the spell.

He puts the sword down and out of nowhere pulls out a folding table, sets it down, gets a chair and a coffee cup, yeah, coffee mug. Yeah. and sits down and just, you know, has some kind of a sign, you know, change my mind. Yeah. And there you go. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Or you just pull out like a small tablet and it's just got nothing but birds chirping in it. Oh, that's, that's nice. I like it. Yeah. It's the Twitter that is now called X spell. Yeah. That's too good. probably my favorite one of the whole list, but

but there's more. Okay. There's duo dimension. This is a seventh level wizard spell that also existed in first edition, but I'm just going to ask a simple question. What the fuck? Have you ever heard of the spell?

I've heard of it. Like I remember you know, reading through the pHB and seeing it, but you can basically make somebody two-dimensional so they can turn sideways and hide. They can fit through any crack anywhere from the spell which basically stayed the same

from first and second edition. It says this, quote, note that when turned, the wizard cannot be affected by any form of attack, but when visible he is subject to double the amount of damage normal for the attack form, e.g. a dagger thrust would inflict 2D4 points of damage if struck on a duo,

dimension wizard. Furthermore, the wizard has a portion of his existence in the astral plane when the spell is in effect and he is subject to the possible notice by creatures there. If noticed, it is 25% probable that the wizard is pulled entirely into the astral plane by any attack from an astral creature. So in other words, he backed that ass up into the mirror dimension and we only see his front and if he turns sideways, you don't see him at all. Yeah.

Again, like number one, it's a really high level spell. And you turn yourself two dimensional. Like puff, puff, puff pass? That is, that is so Vancey and it hurts. Oh, yeah? Well, yeah, because the thing is Vance, Vance's concept of sorcery and wizardry was that, you know, there is a science fictiony element to it. and the science fiction stuff had an eldritch element to it. And this is, okay, what if you could magically apply the idea of being two-dimensional, right?

Which is a mathematical theory kind of concept. I normally think of a fantasy milieu. But, you know, this is the kind of thing that Vance, if he had, if it had occurred to him, this would have been something he would have loved writing about in, a short story or a novella. Because it's, it's, it's very much in keeping with like the way he envisioned Ioun stones, which were, you know, meteorites from, they came from deep space. And, and just that's the one example that's occurring to me right now.

But so many of his stories in the way that this spell does merge. or blurred the edges between. They didn't really merge, but they blurred the edges between, you know, soft science fiction and hard fantasy, for lack of a better word.

And so, yeah, this spell would have made Jack Vance very, very, very happy. It's, and of course, it's still AD&D, so we have the 25% chance that, like, oh, yeah,

and a passing intellect devourer is going to, you know, and tank you all the way into the astral. And you're going to have to deal with that and then find a way to get from the astral back out of the material plane. Yeah. It just, I don't know.

Fuck you. That's why. I've never played a game in which we did any kind of plane shifting or anything. Ever. The material plane is more than enough. Oh, yeah. Like, never, never done that. Don't know if I want to.

Now, I had a character who came from the Fay Wild and fell through a rift, but like that was just plot device to get that race into that world yeah you know all right so this next one actually goodberry now oh it's a second level pre-spell that's not the unhinged part um it's awesome and it's cool i love it but in second edition remember ad and the uh the spells were still reversible and the the fact that you could reverse this spell meant that they still looked good and tasted good but delivered one point of poison damage with no save. Oh, wow.

That's, again, fucking bonkers. Like, yeah, the implication of that is pretty crazy. Right. All right, so the next one is summon insects. And this seems relatively banal, similar enough to the first edition AD&D spell, but in second ed, something caught my eye. It's a low-cost, go-fuck-yourself spell.

Okay, continue. I love those. Here's the text. The summon insect spell attracts a cloud or a swarm of normal insects to attack the foes of the caster. Flying insects appear 70% of the time, while crawling insects appear 30% of the time. The exact insects called are bees, biting flies, hornets, or wasps if flying insects are indicated. Biting ants or pinching beetles if crawling insects are indicated. A cloud of the flying type, or a swarm of the crawling.

sorting sort appears after the spell is cast this gathers at a point chosen by the caster within the spells range and attacks any single creature to the caster points to so far cool you covered all the bases right no problem what's the casting time on it just had to be curious oh good question i don't know i didn't write down the casting time i'm sorry okay um the attacked creature sustains two points of damage if it does nothing but attempt to flee or fend off the insects during the time it is attacked. Okay. It suffers four points of damage per round otherwise.

If the insects are ignored, the victim fights with a minus two penalty to his attack role and a plus two penalty to his armor class. Because remember back then, Thaco. Yeah, right. If he attempts to cast a spell, an initiative rule should be made for the insects to see

if their damage occurs before the spell is cast. If it does, the victim's concentration is ruined. and the spell is lost. Yeah. All right. So I just want to break in here. It's an initiative role for a class that doesn't prize dexterity.

And if they lose, they lose the spell, period. And that's fucking fuckers. Yeah. So little cost, so wonderful a hack. There's also no real way to avoid them at all, although the insects do very little damage. But still, that damage is disturbing enough to stop yourself. spell, we don't care how high level you are. So you can literally annoy the living shit out of the BB-E-G.

And he's going to have to deal with your Beatles. Oh, yeah. And you've taken a spell from him. Or you've made him flee the field for a bit. Yeah, that's cheap ass. Right? I love it. And yeah, that's amazing.

Yeah. So you were going to say something. Oh, no, just I actually remember this came up in my college campaign this particular spell. Yeah, one of, one of

Now, was this a magic user or a druid spell? My recollection on which player it was that used it is fuzzy. Let's see, I'm going to look in the first edition Druid table. Suman insects. I said it was a

I didn't even say what level it was. I saw it as a druid spell, I'm pretty sure. Okay. That's how I remember it. So one year, because we had kind of a... It's a third level druid spell. Third level druid spell. All right.

We had kind of a rotating cast of characters as far as players go in Ryan's campaign when I was in college. And there was me and my friend Nick and my friend Alex and Bob. And then we'd have two or three other people who'd kind of change either by year or by quarter. And one year we had somebody join us who was a beginning player and the only woman in the group. And she wanted to play a druid. We were like, all right, cool.

And so when she made fifth level, we were, you know, talking to her about what she wanted to do. and she looked at this spell. And she didn't read anything about the mechanic of it. She just looked at it and went, that sounds really cool. I want to be able to do that. We're like, okay. And so we didn't really read the description either.

Right. And I don't remember, I think we were going up against some group of cultists or something. And she wound up casting this, she said, I'm summoning insects on their, you know, cleric leader of the group that we were fighting.

and we were like, okay, cool. And, you know, that'll keep him. And all we thought was, okay, you know, he'll have to run away and, you know, we'll be fine. No, no, no. That completely fucked Ryan's whole plan. Nice. Of how he was going to have, how he was going to have him fight us. Because all of a sudden, their healing battery and their buffer was gone.

and yeah and we we all sat there reading reading the description of the spell going oh no oh wait no wow yeah so yeah so yeah no that's a beautiful 30 yard range uh duration one round per level casting time one round so it's a standard spell yeah um here's more the insects disperse and the by the way That's awesome. I, as a game master, love when I'm like, well, there go the next five pages of what I had planned. I love that. Oh, my God. Well, shit.

Then everything happens on the fly, and it's based entirely on what, you know, the players do. And, and, and, and it's just like, God, reward the shit out of that. Yeah. Okay. So the insects disperse and the spell ends if the victim enters thick smoke or hot flames. Besides being driven off by smoke or hot flames, the swarm might possibly be outrun or evaded by plunging into a sufficient body of water. Again, you can't cast summon water because you're being stung.

If evaded, the summoning insects can be sent against another opponent, but there will be at least one round delay while they leave the former opponent and attack the new victim. Crawling insects can travel only about 10 feet per round, maximum speed over smooth ground, and flying insects travel about 60 feet per round. around. The caster must concentrate to maintain the swarm. It

dissipates if he moves or is disturbed. It is possible in underground situations that the caster might summon 1D4 giant ants by means of this spell, but the possibility is only 30% unless giant ants are nearby. This spell

does not function underwater. The materials needed for the spell are the caster's holy symbol, a flower pedal, and a bit of mud or wet clay. Yep. Love it. Yeah. Just love it.

Fucking bonkers. Yeah. The last second ed spell that I, I think is just bat shit bonkers is live oak. Okay. Have you ever heard of live oak? I think I've flipped past it. Okay. Yeah.

Most people would because it's fucking stupid. Tree. It's. Arguably dumb. Yes Yes So live oak First off it's one word

So that's cool Well like the tree Live oak Yeah So it's an enchantment spell It is a sixth level Of priest spell Okay

What in the Morden Kinen's tree-loving shit Is this You literally use a six level Spell slot to turn into a tree Turn a tree Not turn into a tree To turn a tree into a watch tree that can hit people.

And again, this is, I think, I'm going to come up with a clever trap and I need some way to explain to my players how their antagonist was able to do this. It's a wamping willow. Yeah. Yeah. So if you cast it high enough,

it turns into a tree ant for a little while and can do up to 4D6 damage. So half a fireball at a six level spell. Yeah, not particularly impressive. And if it's dispelled, it automatically takes root where it is. And you can use plant growth to heal it. Okay. Yeah, just fucking stupid.

But yeah, I think it is the, here's a specialized dungeon. Yeah. There's a rule for it. So now that brings us to third edition. So again, third edition is 3.0 and 3.5. Most of these are from 3.0. The first one is Genesis. This one I am unfamiliar with.

It comes from the Defenders of the Faith Sourcebook, and it allows you to create your own goddamn demiplane, adding to it daily. So this is like ninth level? Oh, God damn, I didn't write down where it was yes you can only cast it if you're on the ethereal plane but you're making your own world and it specifically says that you have to find your own other way to bring life into it but you've got a magical terrarium basically with limited access you are literally becoming a god

yeah um third edition really expanded the okay now you're 20th level and we're gonna keep playing the game. Yeah. And this is a holdover from that. Yes. Yeah. I'm going to actually look and see what level it is. So I'm going to pause us here.

I'm very glad that I hit pause because that took 45 minutes to find it. So to answer your question, Genesis is a conjuration spell of ninth level. Okay. And it takes one week to cast for eight hours per day. So you're doing literally all the goddamn things.

You're becoming a, you create an immobile, finite plane with limited access. Again, it's a demiplane, and it's up to you how you get life into it. And when you first cast it, you design the terrarium the way you want. And you can construct things within it and so on. You have, yeah. I again, why would anybody take this spell? Like,

well, at that level. It explains maybe, it explains a bad guy doing it. Potentially explains a bad guy doing it. At epic level, adventuring, it's a way of creating a safe house. You know kind of an interdimensional safe house depending on what kind of You know plane our Teleportation fuckery you have Access to okay. It could be you know part of a convoluted. Okay. If things really go to shit Here's how we get away plan Sure um

Also You know you you have the opportunity to play God so Like I guess to that kind of thing. Yeah. Again, back to the simulationist influence. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah. All right. So that's Genesis. Here's another one. This is a 3.0 spell. It's found in the book Masters of the Wild. It's a druid and ranger spell.

Right. It is a zero level druid spell, a first level ranger spell. Okay. You cast it using one action, personal range. All target creatures within a 15-foot radius burst centered on you. It's called dawn. Oh, damn. Okay.

You basically force everyone to wake up. That is fucked up shit to do to someone because, like, they're sleeping off the dual injuries. They wake staggered. It doesn't affect the dying. And a fortitude save would avoid it. But God damn, what a way to bring an entire party's efficacy down in the simplest and riskless most, most unrisky sort of way. Wizards need spells too fucking bad. You woke up.

Same thing with you need rest. Too bad. You woke up. DM would be hideous to use this. You're interpreting this differently than the way I did. Oh, okay. Oh, you're taking it like somebody got hit with a sleepstores. spell. Well, I'm no, I'm taking it like, um, I'm on watch. Everybody else is asleep and I realize that

we're under attack. Oh. Yeah, that could work too. And rather than, and rather than it being, you know, okay, this round I can wake up, the wizard, this round I can wake up, the cleric, this round I can wake up, the rogue. This is, everybody's awake. Um, you know, and the, and the, and the, The quote that I always turn to in this kind of situation is in the same campaign in college. At one point, we got ambushed by Ninja when we were guests of this lord in Kosakura. And, you know, the house got surrounded by ninja. And our party paladin was the one who realized that we were trapped. and immediately rose to his feet, drew his two-handed sword and shouted,

we are betrayed at, you know, top volume. Right. Completely ruining the dinner party we were in the middle of. But it was, that's where I always go when I imagine this situation. And the thing is, this is one of those things about the way the rules worked in second edition was in the dungeon master's guide, it said you can, you can wake up one person around. right and there was no there was no consideration for the fact that if you just

shrieked at the top of your lungs you could wake everybody up right right um and so this this was a was a spell and as a druid it's a cantrip so that that's cool um as a as a

uh ranger you have to prepare a first level spell, but as a ranger, your first level spells generally kind of suck anyway. Right. So this isn't so bad. Yeah. But I do see from your point of view how, you know, it could be like, well, you know, if you're using an evil druid, which you, you know, could be, if that's, you know, a lieutenant or, you know, the BBEG or whatever, he can just come up and fuck the party.

Yeah. that's entirely true as well. I hadn't thought of it from that angle, but yeah, that, that's, see, you're evil, man, like, bent of your mind. I, my kids have had run, have had to run multiple times through different environments dealing with exhaustion levels. Because I want them to, like, I want the environment to actually matter and not just be scenery. want the environment to actually matter, not just be like, you know, I'm in my bubble. Right. So, yeah.

Yeah, but. Yeah. So that. So just having a ranger running through, casting it and keep on running. That's fucked up. Right? That is fucked up. And I'm actually picturing it as, you know, a, a monstrous NPC.

Like the cleric of a group of hopper. goblins or the druid amidst a group of hobgoblins like oh yeah no you're you're not you're not going to recover we're going to keep hunting you right and you know yeah that is that's messed up yes

so I love it I want it yeah I want it um okay so here's another one uh decapitating scarf what the fuck yeah so this this is a seventh level

Wu spell from Oriental Adventures. Uh, Wu Jen. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Uh, if they don't make a fort save, you throw the scarf at them and cut off their fucking head. It's a Vorpal scarf. That is so, that is so Wooja movie like, yeah. Wow. I love it.

Like, holy what the fuck. Like just. How do you? It's save or die. It's, it's it. Like, what is wrong with you? Like, I'm just, I'm just picturing, like, as a, as a player character using that spell, I picture, you know, I learned a new trick, you know, decapitating scarf. And the rest of the party looking at, I'm like, what is your fucking problem, man? Well, okay, so in Oriental Adventures, oh, my God. There are a number of scarf spells.

Oh, yeah. Because, of course, there are. but like there's there's uh what do you call iron scarf entangling scarf yep uh yeah uh just holy shit yeah it's a theme yeah oh it's it's it's a beautiful thing um so the last one and i just i want to end on this one that's why it's the last one because there's more but this is going to be such a great one to end on. Flensing. Oh, yeah.

It's an eight-level spell. Yeah, I remember this one. Yeah. It's an eighth-level spell for sorcerers or wizards, and it's as bad as it sounds. Quote, when you, your expression. Sorry, I'm just waiting. Yeah. Yeah.

When you cast this spell, you literally strip the flesh from a corporeal creature's body, inflicting incredible pain and psychological trauma. each round the target takes 2d6 points of damage 1d6 points of charisma damage and 1D6 points of constitution damage A fort save would negate the ability The ability damage and it would reduce the physical damage by half

And it would end the spell that round Yeah So even if you save Yeah did I Your face has been bacon stripped Yeah did I did I mention the part where the rest of the party looks at the sorcerer and goes what the what yeah he had protection against cantrip so so oh my god yeah that's awful

well and it's so wrong the best part is the material component oh I don't remember this it's a fucking onion it's an onion it's so Peeling layers. That is wrong. Oh, God. I'm laughing about that. I'm going to have to get a confession for it. That's awful.

Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. And I love the fact that this is third edition. Yes. Because this is where charisma damage could potentially really be a problem. Yeah, because charisma matters now.

Yeah, charisma isn't a dumpstat anymore. You know, in an earlier edition, it could have been, well, you know, I'm going to hit the paladin and he can't be a paladin anymore until he gets that restored. Right. But now it's, I hit the paladin and like he doesn't stop being a paladin, but he's a shit done less effective. And I hit their sorcerer. Right. I hit their bard with them. I struck the flesh from their face and now their spells suck.

Yeah. Like, also just like imagining the cinema of this. Mm-hmm. You know, like, like just watching. And I've always pictured the way the spell works being like they're being hit by a sandblaster. Oh, that's interesting. Like an invisible sandblaster and just, and just that's, that's the. that's the visual effect that I've imagined from the spell as, as, you know, and, and like,

the horribleness of that, the sheer awfulness of like, oh, yeah, no, I'm, I'm not just going to damage you. I'm going to do it in an absolutely horrific way. That sounds so much better than what I have in mind, though. Like, yeah. Yeah, I imagine it literally like, you're peeling. strips off. Oh, God. Yeah. Like I said, bacon stripping. Oh, God. You, you're, yeah. Okay. And you're doing alternating ones because you're making them uglier. Oh, yeah. So it's, you know, flesh, not flesh, flesh, flesh, not flesh. Oh. Yeah. You're gray's anatomying them. Yeah. The coloring book,

you know. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. So. Yeah. But, but that's, that's another. spell from 3.0, 3.5. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, oh my God. Yeah. Why did you pick that one? Like, what issues do you need to work out, man? We needed to question people. What? What? I want them to know I'm serious. Like, and think about what it takes to put flesh back on someone's body. That's a restoration spell. Like, the cause. Like, it's a pretty high-level spell, so you're doing tons of damn-upy. Oh, yeah. No, on a on a, on a, hit that BBEG, man.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gee, many Christmas. Yeah. So, God, that's awful. All right. So, uh, that's it for this episode.

What have you gleaned? Well, there are a couple of those spells that I want back. Yeah. Like what? Um, well, um, I think swarm of, insects still is still in fifth edition but that's that's I think it might be summon swarm now I think it is yeah and the the I'm gonna call it the discourse one labored oh Liamans Lehmins lamentable belabored yeah I want I want that

lamentable belaborment yes yeah I I so want that one back yeah just because it's it's too goddamn funny Um, you know, yeah, I want, I want those back. And this is again, another example of how the mechanics of the game. Have evolved to reflect what the underlying assumptions about what you're doing at the table are. So in first edition, it was the players are on one side, the DM is on the other side. Uh-huh. And it is, it is a, it is a inherently, there is some level of antagonism, right?

Yeah, it's adversarial. It's adversarial. Thank you. That was the, that was the word that was escaping me. Uh, it is, it is adversarial on some level. And, and, and. Everything is mathematical and everything is defined by a chart. Yep.

And then you move into second edition and there is still the bizarre specificity and there is still the, we need to have a mechanical way to explain when this trap works this particular way. Right. Right. but you can see the evolution away from as much reliance on algebra in calculating spell effects. And then when you get to the third edition, it's just, you know what? Fuck it, we ball. You know, we're going to make the game one in which you can do crazy ass shit. Yeah.

absolutely you know and and because of the way magic as a system still operated there had to be specific spells for oh i want to do this thing yeah yeah yeah and so like flensing for example is like you know it's not a generic okay you're gonna you're gonna you know it's an attack spell that does that has this side effect it is a very specific no no you are in fact, stripping the skin off of their face and body. Right. And,

and, yeah. So, and, and, you know, and then the evolution from there

into fifth. And I'm going to skip over fourth, not because it's not a valid addition, but because it, it altered so many things that it's, it's not, it's a departure from the continuity.

Mm-hmm. But then now we have fifth where the number of spells has been reduced. They've been edited down to kind of simplify things, streamline. And the emphasis is much more on what is the overarching story. And how are we as a table going to collaborate to do cool things? but there's not as much of third edition's urge to be like oh no man we're we're you know again fuck it we ball we're right you know going wacky shit um in some ways it's it's more grounded i mean in some ways it's more fantastical but in other ways it's it feels more more grounded and

less edge lord i think for lack of a better word at least to me so i think in first and second edition, as a player, you were at a severe disadvantage. You always were. Oh, yeah, the power dynamic was definitely tilted in favor of the dungeon master. You could use the rules to get the advantage. Yeah. In fifth edition, it's no longer adversarial. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good way. That's a good way of summarizing it. Yeah. And mechanically in that way. Yeah. And in 3.5 and in Pathfinder, my friend Nick was the master of, still is because we're playing in a Pathfinder first edition game. He is the master of, oh, no, I'm going to figure out how to get the advantage and I'm going to milk all of it.

So yeah, it's definitely a thing. Yeah. Well, what do you want people to take in, read, watch? I want people to go watch Honor Among Thieves, the most recent Dungeons and Dragons movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because it manages to capture the experience of being at a table, playing the game without a...

ever winking at the camera or getting meta. Yeah. Yeah. You can tell. There's so many things that they do where you meta it. Yeah. You're like, oh, I know what she did there. Uh-huh.

Like, yeah. Yeah. But it's all, but it's so much fun. Oh, it is. It's such joy. Yeah. It's just everything about the movie is fun. Yes.

Uh, the performances are charismatic. and I mean it's not high cinema so nobody's winning an Oscar for it but everybody everybody on screen is fun to watch even if you're looking at him like you are such a prick fuck you

you know Hugh Grant plays an amazing antagonist villain yeah he's just into his villain phase of his career too because I also watched him in a movie where he traps two Mormon girls in his house

oh yeah and he actually in the bits I've seen of that. He looks genuinely fucking scary. He does. It's a good movie. It's a good movie. I don't do horror movies, but I did. Now I'm trying to remember the title of The Gentleman.

It's him and Brad Pitt. No, not Brad Pitt. Sorry. Matthew McConaughey. And Hugh Grant plays a complete sleet. ball. Nice. And, yeah, again, it's a, it's a funny movie, but it's also very violent and a dark comedy. Oh, I think I know which one you're talking about. Yeah. I feel like either Tom Hardy or, oh, who's the Irish actor who was all the rage for a little while there?

I'm not sure who you might be thinking of. But anyway, again, also a great movie. But yeah Colin Farrell That's something Oh yeah Oh yeah And he's a hoot in it Yeah

But yeah Dungeons Dragons I'monghiv Highly recommend it Go go watch it If you've already Watch it once Go watch it again

Because it's just a good time How about you? I'm going to recommend a book Called Wizardology The Book of the Secrets of Merlin It's a kids book I mean it is written At like the 5th to 7th grade level

It's part of the ology series. I bought several of them for my daughter as she was coming up in D&D. Okay, yeah. It's lovely. It really is. It's a lark. It is a coffee table book at best, but the pages are just beautifully illustrated, and the text is fun to read,

and it takes you through all the different kinds of wizards and stuff like that. It's just, it's a lot of fun, and it's written with an eye toward D&D. Very cool. recommend that. All right. Where can folks find us? We can be found on the Apple podcast app on the Amazon pod. Sorry, not Amazon.

No, it's on the Amazon podcast app. Okay, on the Amazon, yeah, okay. On the Amazon podcast app on Spotify. There you go. And wherever you have found us. Oh, you forgot YouTube. Oh, I did forget YouTube. We have our archives on YouTube.

Yes, the archives are going up on YouTube. There are now playlists. on YouTube. So if you like a specific guest, we have collated all of their episodes into a playlist. So if you want to listen to the Jess Sifar's episodes or the Derek Lipkin episodes or the Rex Stem episodes, you can do that. All right. If they're one-off episodes, like where we've only had the guest on once for just one episode, then I kept it not. But if they were a person who was on multiple of our episodes, even if it was them three episodes in a row, then I set up a playlist for them.

Or it's fourth coming. Very cool. Yeah. There is also, of course, our website at wauwobo-wabwoba.gikhistorytime.com where you can find a much more complete at this point archive of all of our episodes. And wherever you have found us, please take the time to hit the subscribe button and give us the five-star review that you know we deserve. And where can you be found, sir?

You could find me on the first Friday of every month at Sacramento Comedy Spot with capital punishment. We are now in our 10th year and just getting stronger and just getting better and better. So come check us out. First Friday of every month, I have no idea when this airs. And that will be a good generic way. $15 tickets. Go online, satcomedy spot.com.

get your tickets come check us out and see if we lose the belt yeah indeed all right well for a geek history of time I am Damian Harmony and I'm Ed Blaylock and until next time keep rolling 20s because then you'll have like a 70% chance of