A Hot Dog Is a Sandwich - Fake Syrup Is Better Than Real Syrup ft. Jordan Myrick

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Today, we're joined by Jordan Myrick, a staff writer at Sporked, to discuss: is imitation syrup better than real syrup? Check out Sporked, Mythical's new website dedicated to helping you find the best food on the shelves! - http://www.sporked.com To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This, this, this, this is Mythical. Can the fake stuff ever be better than the real stuff? Well, Nicole, like my daddy always said, if I can touch them, they're real. This is A Hot Dog is a Sandwich. Ketchup is a smoothie. Yeah, I put ice in my cereal, so what? That makes no sense. A hot dog is a sandwich.

A hot dog is a sandwich. What? Welcome to our podcast, A Hot Dog is a Sandwich, the show where we break down the world's biggest food debates. I'm your host, Nicole Inayati. And I'm your host, Josh Ayer. Today, we're joined by our very good friend, Jordan Myrick from Sporked. Sporked is Mythical's new website that is dedicated to helping you find the best food items online or at the grocery store. They taste test everything from beef jerky to mayonnaise and hot dogs and share their

findings with the masses. Jordan, welcome. Tell the listeners a little bit about yourself. Thanks so much for having me, first of all. Thanks for taking your shoes off at the door like we mandate. Of course. I love not wearing shoes. Her crocs are still on.

God dang. Jordan, get out. Okay. Sorry. I'm one of the staff writers for Sporked and I've been eating a lot for a very long time. And I'm very good at my job, so I love working here. You are very good at your job, and you also have a lot of hot takes. We've been subject to some of those hot takes.

I tried to eat a spoonful of mustard instead of coffee at about 2 p.m. to see if it would perk me up. Yeah. It worked? It got my nipples really hard. So it worked. It worked. It perked me up, literally. Yeah, I mean, at the very least, you have hard nipplesipples which i think is an enhancement to your day that's true uh and i watched showgirls

speaking of not having positive role models growing up i watched showgirls too young okay you know the ice them down that scene i love that movie so that's how i felt with the mustard so thank you for that i love that yeah that's not my first time providing someone with a real life showgirls experience and i'm a a natural Elizabeth Berkley type. Absolutely. You really are. Thank you so much. I love that. But today we are here to talk about, you have some hot takes about imitation foods versus the real foods.

Yeah, I do. And we've talked about some things like that in the past, like American cheese. We did like, does American cheese deserve to be called real cheese? I say yes. I say yes. I say absolutely yes. Get the government out of our cheese. 100%.

What are your hottest takes when it comes to imitation versus real foods? Well, I think that fake syrup is much better than real maple syrup. Snaps for Jordan. What's the best brand, would you say, of fake maple syrup? Oh, I love Pearl Milling Company, formerly Aunt Jemima. I do think it's the best. I a mrs butterworth i like um log cabin i love log cabin it looks like a log cabin yeah the the cornier it looks the more i want to consume it yes of course i agree i love fake maple syrup yeah eating fake maple syrup growing up for

me was just like uh like in this economy you're really going to spend $10.99 on that tiny bottle of real maple syrup. And so, of course, we're eating little Eggo waffles. Of course, you're going to use the fake stuff. But now, tasting them side by side, the fake maple syrup tastes more maple-y than the real maple syrup. That's true. Absolutely.

Which is what I want. Absolutely. We did a tasting, and we were shocked to find out even the most highbrow of the sporked taste testers were like all real maple syrup tastes like pork. It tasted very pork. It had a very porky quality. And yeah, Justine was the first one to taste it. And I was like, okay, ultimately Justine is wrong. She's tasting something weird. You know, I wrote her off and then I tasted it and I was like, this does taste like pork. And we tasted more and more and more. And all of the real ones tasted like pork.

That's so interesting. Are you sure it wasn't like, what's it called? George Orwell think speak. What's it called? Where everyone thinks the same? I have no clue. Group think.

Group think. Are you sure that wasn't like a group think situation? I don't think so. But this is what I'll say. Even if it was group think and it didn't taste like pork, it didn't taste good., it didn't taste good. And it certainly didn't taste better than fake maple syrup.

The texture is also weird. It's like watery. Absolutely. Like the corn syrupy homogenous brown shit. I like that. I'm all about that. But the way like maple syrup, like OG maple syrup, like drips, not very pleasing. No, not at all.

It doesn't do anything for me. I want it to be thick. I want it to be viscous I want it to make love to a waffle I don't want it to kind of slip and slide off in a disgusting way

that I don't like for some people making love and slipping and sliding off are the same thing I want my pancakes to look like they do in the goddamn commercials

and the only way you can do that yeah like the motor oil looking syrup and the only way you can do that is with imitation stuff what do you say to all the pissed off Canadians I think Yeah, like the motor oil looking syrup. And the only way you can do that is with imitation stuff.

What do you say to all the pissed off Canadians? I think that if you like regular maple syrup more than imitation maple syrup, first of all, good for you. But second of all, I think you're elitist. I think you're elitist. I think you're being a little bit classist. I think you're kind of just interested in being like, I like the real thing. And that's totally fine. But it ultimately does not make you better than me. I agree with that.

And also, we're out here supporting the small American corn farmers. Absolutely. Yes. Tiny corn is why I'm here. James Monsanto III. Absolutely. He's just a struggling family farmer, Nicole, whose syrup needs some place to go because it's in nothing else.

It's only in Log Cabin Imitation Maple Syrup. I do love it, though. I'm on your side, guys. Don't make me the enemy here. I'm literally- Nicole's the enemy of small corn. I love fake maple syrup. And have you guys ever seen the blue stuff?

Oh, the Captain Crunch one? Have you seen like those weird syrups? I hate those. Those are gross. What do you mean? No, those are- I think they're a delight. I think they're an American institution. It's like snow cone syrup. Like, what's the point of it? I put those weird syrups. I hate those. Those are gross. What do you mean? No, those are, I think they're a delight. I think they're an American institution.

It's like snow cone syrup. Like, what's the point of it? I put those on pancakes too. Wow. That's disgusting. I didn't like it until you called it snow cone syrup. And now I'm like, I got to get some. I don't know.

I just, I mean, when it comes to fake foods, like for example, fake butter. How do you guys, how do you guys feel about fake butter? Wait, hold on. We need to go back to syrups. We've only scratched the surface on syrups. Because I have something to say because i have something to say i have something to say the entire game changed when ihop went from only having traditional maple syrup to now they have maple syrup blueberry syrup strawberry syrup and butter pecan flavored that's the best one on every

damn table i love the butter pecan and there is nothing natural there is not nary a strawberry nor blueberry nor butter nor pecan has ever reached any of those syrups and they are an absolute delight i will go there after this and try those i love butter pecan i just think that i don't i just i've been to canada i've been to canada i've been to vermont i've had the natural syrups like i have gone to a mont Montreal farmer's market and bought syrup there. And it's better than bottled American real quote unquote maple syrup. But it's still not, it doesn't have that buttery quality. It doesn't have that richness. Yeah, I'm looking for the richness.

Yeah. I feel that. Fake butter. What about it? Margarine? Fuck it. Margarine? Dude, no.

I hate margarine. Hold on, no. I did not grow up in a margarine household, okay? I did not. Must be nice, Nicole, because these are the imperial butter-ish sticks. Ew. For 99 cents for four of them. Ew.

Unfailed for 59 cents at the Albertsons. And I grew up on that. And now, literally, like, I didn't know the flavor of real butter until I was like almost an adult. And there's sometimes when I like I crave that margarine. Like if I'm making garlic bread, it's like I want that margarine. Also, margarine, it's like a scientific marvel that they're able to do. I agree with that. They're able to hydrogenate the oils from the flowers.

So was the atomic bomb. Oh, now I have become death destroyer of margarine. Oppenheimer ass, get out of here. Yeah, I have to agree with you, Josh. I love fake butter. I also grew up in a fake butter household. I didn't. I think it tastes more buttery than real butter.

I don't believe that it's not real butter. I truly simply can't. And similarly, I did not have real butter until I was older. And I tasted Plougra at a restaurant I was working at, which is like a very fancy French butter. And I was like, get this away from me and get the I can't believe it's not butter spray into my mouth hole now. Oh, you're talking about the spray.

The spray. Oh, I love the spray. It's like an 80s like mouth freshener type of thing. The butter. Yes. Oh, it's so good. It just tastes so, regular butter,

it's just, what is it doing that fake butter isn't? Nicole? It's delicious. Okay. It just tastes, it tastes better to me. It doesn't taste fake.

Like I can taste the fakeness in margarine, in country crock, in what are the, follow your heart, whatever they are. I can taste the fakeness. I want the realness. I want to see it melt. I want to see the fats and the milk solids separate. Like I enjoy that. what are the follow your heart whatever they are i can taste the fakeness i want the realness i

want to see it melt i want to see the fats and the milk solid separate like i enjoy that i enjoy that experience i don't get that with margarine you know what i can believe it's not butter you know why because i can believe nicole in the power of man man fighting against god raging against the dying of the light using scientific badassery to improve our daily lives through what do you mean improve it's not good for your heart. Yeah, okay. Well, that is one thing. Oh, like regular butter is good for your heart?

Well, at least you get the benefits of like, I don't know, milk. I mean, that's been like a huge tonal shift in like all of the way that especially Americans consume food was like a lot of our parents probably grew up or came to like adulthood in like the 80s when it was like any sort of animal fat is like bad for you. But look, we've made plants into butter. This must be better for you. And then like 20 years later, they're like, oh, no, we've made a grave mistake. And then ditto with stuff like artificial sweeteners or they had Olestra chips back in the day.

Yes. The chips that had no fat because the oil would just go through your body and make you poopy pants. Absolutely. And so they lived through like the time when we were all excited about scientific advancement in food, you know? And then now we're all like, no, get back to the natural butter. Put butter in your coffee

and then do yoga and meditate and psychojournal or whatever the fudge you do. What's psychojournaling? I'm down. Oh, it's just where you get all hopped up on Ritalin and fake maple syrup and you just start scribbling down

whatever's in your mind. Never mind. It all looks like Eminem lyrics. I just think that everything is bad for you. I have a very strong distrust of the government syrup and you just start scribbling down whatever never mind it also looks like m&m lyrics i just think that everything is bad for you i have a very strong distrust of the government and i'm just like even when i'm eating an organic non-gmo tomato i'm like i'm gonna die anyway something bad has been done to this like dick cheney put some policy into play that like made this poison and i never read about it because like he covered it up but you know what I mean

nothing is good for me everything is bad and I'm just kind of like okay so yes I'll drink water but like I'll also drink soda and don't demonize me for it you're like you're like an anarcho nutritionalist absolutely yeah that's how I describe myself yeah you should have that underneath your name yes yeah I kind of feel that. Yeah. I try to shop at the farmer's market when I can, you know, things like that. I want to support small business, but I do also believe I'm like the egg yolks that are more yellow in the eggs. Those aren't better for you.

That's yes. They're just feeding the chicken. You love that. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. That's what I'll say. Our egg budget is through the roof because of this.

Yeah. It's unnecessary. I exclusively buy. Wait, this is where I become an elitist class, this piece of crap. Let's hear it. Vital Farms eggs are the only eggs that I buy. Okay. And they're like $7 for a dozen. Sure.

But like at home, you know, we go through a dozen eggs maybe like every 10 days. I'm not scrambling three eggs from our large boys at home, you know, who need eggs. It's like a weekend treat for us. I'll use them in recipes. The yolks are so much darker than all of the other stuff. And to me, I don't think I could taste test. I don't know if I could pick them from another egg in a blind taste test. Sure. All I know is I see that dark orange yolk and I know it just has to do with what the chickens were fed. It has nothing to really do with quality. All I know is I see that and it brings me four dollars worth of joy. But I love

that for you. I think there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel that way. But once again, you don't have the right to feel better than me. Oh, but I am. Of course he does. I am for like other reasons. No, that's the point of life. What do you mean? To be better than people?

To use your food choices, which are moral. Yes. Your food choices are moral or immoral. And if you don't like the things that we like, then you're bad. We are all just little oink oink piggies eating from the trough. That's how I feel about it. I'm like, we're all the same. It's kind of how I feel. Let's dive into politics.

Do I have to? There's like four companies that own every food company. Even the organic gluten-free, soy-free, meat-free, sausages, whatever that you think you're buying that are good for you. They're all just owned. What's the oat milks owned by Nestle now?

Yes. Oatly? And someone, is it Oatly? No, I don't think it's Oatly. I don't know. I don't know. There's another one. But someone, some major chain just switched.

Blue Bottle. No, sorry. This is what it is. Blue Bottle exclusively switched to oat milk as their default instead of dairy. And everybody was like, yay, Blue Bottle, good for the planet. No way. Blue Bottle is owned by Nestle, which, like, you know, got sued in the, what, 1980s for a bunch of deaths of babies in third world countries. I had no idea that they changed their default to oat milk.

That's so cool. Point is, a lot of your food choices like. Are predetermined. Yeah, things are kind of going to be bad no matter what you do. So like live your life how you find an accordance. I also think you can make smart choices. Like I think like trying to shop at your local grocery store instead of a big chain, like things like that, that maybe make more of a difference in your community. Or if you can own chickens, hey, that's cool.

You get your own eggs. But also, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on a podcast for a company I work for, but capitalism is bad. It's all bad. I make almost, you know, we make no money, relatively speaking, in terms of the world. Like, what am I supposed to do? I feel that. You get powerless.

I have to buy Burt's Bees chapstick sometimes. And they are now owned by Olay, who's owned by Coca-Cola or whatever. It's all, you know. Ben and Jerry's out there tweeting about de-escalating Ukraine. They're owned by Unilever. You know what I mean? So we're all just trying our best is my point. If you're trying your best, I think that's awesome.

And I'm happy for you. And I'm also trying my best. And that's my logline. I fully believe that life is generally nightmarish. What is it? Hobbes versus Locke, where one believes that man is inherently good. The other believes that man is inherently bad. I believe that man is inherently bad and that we live short, brutish lives.

Everyone's just trying to kill and rob each other and that you find joy where you can get it and sometimes for me that joy is eating a slice of American cheese cold straight out of the fridge. I like that.

I'm a big believer in the Hobbes versus Shaw method which is the Fast and Furious movie. I'm so glad you brought that up. I was going to bring that up. Thank you so much. Yeah, anytime I get sad I watch the movie

Hobbes versus Shaw from the Fast and Furious franchise. You guys are silly. That's fair. I can't. Honestly, this is just going to get messy. So how do you guys feel about real versus fake sugar? That's my question for you guys.

Okay, this is the one thing that I feel the opposite way about. I think fake sugar is bad because it tastes bad. I don't think there's a moral value on it. But anytime we do a tasting that's like, like, I hate paleo. I think that paleo is bad. I don't know if you're very strong. So maybe you believe. No, no, no.

I think it's all really terrible. And I think paleo is just Atkins diet for Joe Rogan stance. Absolutely. So anytime we get like a paleo product that we have to taste, it tastes so bad. It tastes like Splenda. It tastes fake. It'll say no sugar, but then the second ingredient is like sucralose or whatever, which is like still sugar. And I just think it tastes really, really bad.

So I'm like, why are we using it? It's not good for you. And it tastes bad. That's a one-two punch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want it. I hate fake sugar. Diet Coke.

I hate Diet Coke. Ew. So, but are you a regular Coke drinker? Yeah, yeah. Me too. Oh, I love that. I don't do Diet Cokes. Absolutely. I don too. Oh, I love that. I don't do diet cokes. I don't do like sugar-free

desserts. I don't like that stuff. I just rather, you know, consume sugar or honey or molasses and just have a good time. Yeah, I love that. I agree. Either you got like a really strong Freudian oral fixation. Not anymore. I used to. Really? Well, yeah, I used to smoke cigarettes. What did you do? I smoked cigarettes, but I don't do that anymore.

Are you someone who just like puts things in your mouth yeah it's like literally no like you need to constantly just be yeah i do i'm an eater i'm a nail biter uh things like that yeah that's why i drink about seven diet cokes a day and if i did it like if i did it with regular cokes which do i prefer the taste of regular coke of course your body doesn't taste aspartame and just goes this is poison alert but you keep drinking it because they're there, they're free, and they're zero calories, and you have body image issues since you were a child. Okay. You know what I mean?

And so that's where I'm coming from. But also, have you seen the Point Break remake, 2015? I have, yeah. No. So you know how, okay, then this is more for Jordan. So you know how they're trying to conquer the seven most extreme obstacles on Earth to effectively conquer God and reach nirvana and ascend? That's kind of how I feel with artificial sugar.

Like we're trying to like beat God. We're trying to cheat God. Yeah, you can't do it. And I think eventually we're going to create an artificial sugar so good that like we're just going to ascend to an astral plane. Wow. And the key in this, have y'all ever had the sugar-free Slurpees at the 7-Eleven? Never. No, I'm exclusively a Coke Slurpee drinker. Really? Yes. It is a delight. They co-branded Crystal Light Slurpees at the 7-Eleven. Never. No, I'm exclusively a Coke Slurpee drink.

Really? Yes. It is a delight. They co-branded Crystal Light Slurpees, I shit you not, at 7-Eleven and they are one

of the most horrific. They will also just curdle your stomach. Ew, because of all the acid. It's not even the acid. It's sugar alcohols. You ever read

the Harbo gummy bears? Oh, yeah. The ones that make you poopy pants? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From people eating them on planes and they're crapping their pants on a plane. Your body can't digest certain kinds of sugar alcohols. Yeah.

It literally processes it as like a poison. And then it just you evacuate everything. And so I was stuck in traffic drinking like a mango lime crystal light slurpee chock full of xylitol. And yeah. Not a great time. Okay. Not a great time. I just eat like see when it comes to fake and real like that's the one where i'm like okay like this fake stuff like it's actually not good for you and it tastes bad like how jordan said like it doesn't do anything for me we don't know that it's not good for you the science is sugar is bad for you too at the same

time so what do you do because people aren't eating sugar because they're scared of being fat but there's nothing wrong with being fat yeah that's so that's that's how i feel about it i'm like you're scared of sugar because and sugar is not going to make you fat like if you have a little bit of sugar now and then if you're enjoying sugar versus no sugar you're not going to be fat life goes on it's fine if you are fat that's also awesome it doesn't matter your body metabolizes sugar and honey the same yes so people are people are like, use honey instead of sugar. It's like, it's not going to make a difference. Yeah, or agave.

Yeah, it's not going to make a difference. Yeah, and a lot of agave is not fair trade. So it, once again, it's bad for the environment and it's bad for workers. Food is just bad in general. It's bad. We should stop eating. We should stop eating. We should make pills.

We should just tan our buttholes and absorb energy through the sun. Sunning? Yes. Is that a real thing? Yeah, it's science. It's called sunning and you can Google it later. It's as real as homeopathy. But I want, oh, I got to be careful with my work laptop.

The other day someone was like, look these people up on WikiFeet. And I was like, all right. And my work laptop was like, no. Wait, really? It's 2 p.m. Are you on WikiFeet? I'm not. And I think it's weird because I have beautiful feet. Of course, dude. I think, well,.m. Are you on WikiFeet? I'm not. And I think it's weird because I have beautiful feet.

Of course, dude. I think, well, I am. Well, I'm on WikiFeet. Trevor's on WikiFeet. Well, because I posted that picture of me holding colored pencils with all my toes and trying to draw. And that was big. I took that picture.

You took that picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We publish our own WikiFeet. Oh, okay. We put our feet on full blast. I love that. Do y'all have nice feet? I have nice feet.

I would show you, but I can't really bend like that right now. Okay, I'll see him later. I have ganglion cysts and several curly hammer toes. Josh has the worst feet. What is your rating on? Would you give it like two? No, it's really high, but it's like a pity rating. It's like seeing a really ugly dog and you're like, oh, that's so cute that he's just like all fucked up.

You would win the ugly dog awards of feet. That's so sad. People that are really into fitness, I do're like, oh, that's so cute that he's just like all fucked up. You would win the ugly dog awards of feet. That's so sad. People have, people that are like really into fitness, I do feel like have the worst feet. Not to absolutely drag you. Like ballet dancers. No, ballet dancers.

My roommate is a marathon runner. I'm like, he's not going to have feet in two years. Even look at my hands. My hands are gnarled and grotesque. Oh, that's awful. And you know what? I don't work out that much

and I am soft. I am soft. I am soft. I am delicate. I am supple. I'm like an iguana. You know, it's disgusting. Wait, hold on. Back to real vs. fake. We're talking about moralizing real vs. fake foods.

Someone said this the other day. They were talking about philly cheesesteaks and they were like we don't eat that fake cheese with stuff that's a myth about philly but if you look at the three most common cheesesteak cheeses you have cheese whiz which is in a jar it's effectively nacho cheese for white people exclusively it's delicious it's delicious uh white american cheese which is also not considered cheese by the government because it contains less than 51%, you know, pure cheese, blah, blah, blah. And then you have provolone. So like two of the three options, you know, when they're talking about like, oh, we're not eating the fake cheese with stuff.

We're eating the real American pasteurized processed cheese product. Okay. It's like, why are you trying to create this gradient? Yes. And the other two cheeses are more delicious than provolone. Agreed. Provolone is the only cheese I would eat on a cheese steak. Yeah.

I could put provolone on a turkey sandwich at home. If I'm in Philly. You better believe I'm getting that fake stuff. Absolutely. Give me the melty stuff. Yeah. Ladle it with that cheese whiz. Just wrap it up in a paper.

Let me suck the cheese off the paper. I love sucking the cheese off the paper. Oh my gosh. We all got to go out one night and do it together because I love it too. Do you love sucking the cheese off of an In-N-Out wrapper? Oh I knew it Yes

And my sister in arms Absolutely There's a little bit Of like the hot spread That sticks on it too And you gotta kinda claw The relish bit off With your front teeth

Sometimes you eat A little of the paper Yeah we're sick We're disgusting It's fine It's a little dangerous It's gonna pull You're just gonna see us

At the dumpster behind An In-N-Out Just getting the papers Shame on us Like I am a legend. What other fake foods are there that you guys are passionate about there? I don't really know. I think imitation crab is very good.

Oh, yes. Oh, shit. It's real fish. It's real fish. I think it's like widely popular all over the world. But then sometimes places here will be like real crab. And I'm like, you know what? I don't need it. Real crab is hard to eat it's hard to get there's always shell there's always there's

always shell there's always i go to kazu nori and i get a wrap of one of those little even the nice places there's shell there's shell and i'm like this would have never happened if i just ate a california roll absolutely yeah that's a good one that's a good one uh and it's really popular in like mexican sushi as, which I really love. I think I think imitation crab like democratized sushi in a way. That makes sense. You know what I mean? In places that like especially, you know, don't eat like a lot of raw fish.

It's like you go to like a Sinaloa style sushi spot and everything's going to have like raw crab, mayonnaise, Philadelphia cream cheese and carne asada in it. And I think that is like a delight. Like and also whenever people talk about how they don't, you know, gas station sushi will get you sick, blah, blah, blah. No gas station you go to is going to have like raw tuna.

What they are going to have are California rolls, which that stuff is just fish that has been grounded and pounded and packed in sugar and salt. It's more preserved than damn near anything else you're going to get. Than the apple that's next to the cash wrap.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love pavilion sushi side note the cash wrap. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I love pavilion sushi. Side note, I had some yesterday and it was delicious. What kind? What did I, you know, David, my husband just gets it and I just kind of eat it. I love that. Literally, I'm driving and he feeds it to me while we're driving.

I love that. That's pretty cool. It's really embarrassing, but that's true. Yeah, I don't know. I just love, it's surimi, right? That's what it's called? Yeah, yeah yeah they call it connie i think uh elsewhere too like the imitation crab have you heard what people do now on tiktok

they're unwrapping it and then they're frying it into little crunchy bits yeah delicious yeah it's so true i don't know if this necessarily falls into the fake versus real food debate but um in terms of just like accepting that some things are quote-unquote processed and leaving them be ketchup places at home make their own ketchup ew have you ever had have you ever had a house made ketchup that can touch the real thing no and i like house made ketchup like sometimes i have it i say oh this is good it's more like a chutney than than a real ketchup nothing beats a heinz which i'm like cover my body in it like it's just so good it's it's like perfect yeah it's like the perfect condiment. Can I also say that I am infatuated with fake meat

products. Both my parents don't eat meat, so I grew up eating kind of the worst of the worst fake meat. Tofurky? Tofurky, the old Morningstar Farms burgers that were just kind of like a puck of couch foam. And it's gotten so much better, but even the old stuff I still

love. I think it tastes so good. It's so easy to cook. I like fake meat. I love it. I think it's delicious so much better but even the old stuff i still love i think it tastes so good it's so easy to cook i like fake meat i love it i think it's delicious i how do you feel about like beyond versus impossible like do you do you cook that stuff at home i do yeah i cook both at home i think they're shockingly similar unless either one wants to sponsor me then i like that one better but um yeah i think that they're they're really similar i think it tastes similar to real meat i think it tastes similar to real meat. I think it's easier to cook with for people who aren't comfortable with or accustomed to cooking meat. I think it's a great option.

I don't know what its global ecological footprint will look like. Yeah, that's a whole big question. Which I know is the whole big question. So I don't know about that. But just in terms of taste and pure personal enjoyment i'm there for it impossible meats delicious yeah whatever kind of evil laboratory they're making that out of i am obsessed with it absolutely there's some foods that are like so processed like i'm fascinated with the numbers on uh chicken processing since world war ii so there's a thing

where like 60 of chickens used to be sold whole to the stores before world war ii you'd go to the store you'd buy a chicken. If you wanted the individual parts, you'd break it down yourself. And then after that, you see a sliding scale to now less than like 8% of chickens are sold whole.

Wow. And then over 50% just go straight into processing and manufacturing. And then the rest is just butchered for consumption. So now we have so many like Tyson,

any Tizer, boneless wing, whatever, is we have all these chicken nuggets. You got dino nuggets. You got all this type of stuff being manufactured into dog food and all that stuff. So, so much of our food is like processed to the point where you don't recognize it as like animal flesh anymore. Which I guess is dystopian in its own way.

But also, I love hot dogs. And so, I'm fine with it. So, when you make a veggie equivalent of it, I don't notice the difference between a vegan hot dog and like, if it was maybe like an all beef Abel's and Heyman, which is I think my favorite hot dog. I noticed the difference. That is a good hot dog. A and B. But if you're eating like a, you know, bar S turkey chicken pork mutant Frank, which I might as well be vegan.

Yeah. You know, chicken nuggets. Put a lot of spices in it. Nobody notices. Yes. The impossible chicken nuggets taste exactly like real chicken nuggets. I haven't tried those yet. They're so good.

They sell them at Trader Joe's for pretty cheap and they're really good. Love Trader Joe's. Well, Panda Express had the Impossible. I didn't get to try it. They only had it at the Pasadena one. Oh, was it good? It was really good. Yeah.

I mean, you deep fry something, you cover it in a delicious sugary sauce, which, by the way, I don't know if orange chicken sauce has any real orange in it. I don't think so either. Probably not. The ingredients on the, speaking of imitation versus real, the ingredients on the bottle, I think it says like orange essence, which I don't know if that's just like. I don't think that's way lower. It's really low on the ingredients.

A couple drops of like the zest oil. That may be. I don't really know. Yeah. How do y'all feel about juice versus drink? I'm sorry? A glass of grape juice and a glass of purple drink in front of you. Which one do you reach for?

Oh, it's juice. I thought you don't like juice. I don't. But you really don't like drink. If I have the two in front of me, I'm going to go with juice. I don't think, when you say drink, I'm hearing soda. But I think that's wrong. Have you had Tampico?

Like the Sunny D. You know, Sunny D versus Orange. You know what I'll say? I take juice, once again, not because I morally think it's better, but because I don't like, I want full flavor. And I think things like a Gatorade, like a Sunny D, to me taste like they're 50% water. They are.

So it's not doing enough for me. And also I, hot take, love water. I like just straight up nature's water. I don't like seltzer. I just like normal water. What's your favorite water brand? Well, this is also sick. From my sink, I don't have a strong water allegiance.

Oh, that's good. I just drink water from the sink like a little dog. You don't put it in a cup? You just go like. I do. I suck it right out of the faucet. And I think it tastes delicious. Okay, good.

I'll never forget when I moved to LA. Yeah, I don't drink. Well, I drink a lot of water at home, but I carbonate it. I have a soda stream. And I just run through those carbonation things. Oh, I burp so often. It is just nightmarish. Nicole's laughing because she knows it's true uh but no i drink sink water too and when i first moved to la i had these two italian roommates that i got off

craigslist and i'll never forget one just going uh josh is the water here potable and i was like what he's like is it potable i can drink the water and i was like dude yeah and he's like no way and i didn't realize that's like a thing that I mean, a lot of people, yeah, a lot of countries and parts of America,

of course, you know, can't do that. LA, great tap water. Come here for the tap water. Stay for shitting your pants in traffic after drinking

a sugar-free Slurpee. Absolutely. Those people did sound like they were from Transylvania. Yeah, or like Poland. That's their accent, man.

Come on. You like to do disco dancing? I roll my own cigarettes while driving my Jeep Cherokee with two hands so I cannot turn the wheel. Yeah, they sound like glue from Despicable Me. Oh, man. Well, what did we learn today, ladies and germs? Food.

It's like us, really. Yeah? Are we fake? It's all... Are we real? Some are fake. Some are real. Like my daddy always said.

I was hoping someone would finish it. If I can touch them, they're real. Gross. Josh and Jordan, we've heard what you and I have to say. Now it's time to find out what other wacky ideas Are rattling around out there in the Twitterverse It's time for a segment we like to call Opinions are like casseroles So casserole rhymes with

Asshole? It's a slant rhyme It's a slant rhyme, Shakespeare did it So that's where it comes from And hey, as many of you know, Rhett and Link have spent over a decade tasting, rating, and ranking everything from the world's most expensive desserts to 40-year-old ham and eggs. And thanks to that, they now have a TV show called Inside Eats with Rhett and Link. That's right. This Sunday is the Cheesecake Factory episode where the guys try to order everything on the menu and decorate cheesecakes. Or try to because they're not very good at it.

I hope they succeed. It'll be wacky time. Be sure to watch Inside Eats with Rhett and Link this Sunday at 10.30 p.m. Or try to. But they're not very good at it. I hope they succeed. It'll be wacky time. Be sure to watch Inside Eats with Rhett and Link this Sunday at 10.30 p.m. on Food Network. And for even more bonus footage, check it out on Discovery+. Discovery+. Man. You know why I bought Discovery+. What'd you buy?

Yeah, I bought it. Not for Rhett and Link, though. I am actually excited to watch that. And you and I are in one of the episodes. Oh, we are. We make ice cream for Klaus. That was a really fun time. I got to see.

This is just free promo for Discovery Plus, but they hooked me so hard. Robert Irvine has a show where he saves restaurants against John Taffer from Bar Rescue. I know, I know. And so it's who can save the restaurant the hardest. And they took like these what should be altruistic concepts, even though, of course, we know it's like what happens to the restaurant six months later. Sure. All is up in the air. But they took like a somewhat altruistic concept that's normally supposed to be very feel goody. And they're like, all right, now battle.

And I love that. And that hooked me so hard. Two juggernauts in the industry. Love it. There's so much yelling. Good show. Wow. I got it because they have all of the 90 Day Fiance content.

Oh. I watch it all on YouTube in little snippets. Oh, I love that. I simply don't have the patience for it. So I made my girlfriend buy me Discovery Plus. Oh. I watch it all on YouTube in little snippets. Oh, I love that. I simply don't have the patience for it, so I made my girlfriend buy me Discovery Plus. Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm a little princess. One of the people on 90 Day Fiancé was my shot put coach in high school. Who? Kalani Fa'angata. Kalani.

The Samoa? The one that's married to the Samoan guy that came to the airport and did the Samoan dance and she got embarrassed. She was your shot put coach? Her sister, right? No, no, her sister was my teammate.

Kalini is her sister. Kalini was my teammate, but she and her brother, Kenetti, who I don't believe has ever been on the show, yeah, they all went to my high school. She was my coach my senior year. My mouth is agape. I love that. And they're one of my favorite couples on the show. They're so sweet. Oh, they are. They're just like the nicest people

in the world fantastic shot put and discus throwers too Kalani and Kalini if you're listening to this come on the show yeah yeah I love them

Canetti too even though I beat Canetti's junior year shot put record by like three inches take that Canetti anywho first up we got

at Burling Mike are vinegar based hot sauces technically vinaigrettes how do you feel Jordan I'm gonna vinegar-based hot sauces technically vinaigrettes? How do you feel, Jordan? I'm going to say no, because I think a vinaigrette needs to have an oil component. And in my mind, the sauces I think of, like that I grew up eating, like Crystal in Louisiana, don't have an oil component. I sometimes put hot sauce on my greens when I eat them.

Does that make it a vinaigrette? I guess. I mean, it's a salad. It's a dressing. Not all vinaigrettes are salad dressings, but not all salad dressings are vinaigrettes. Vinaigrette means different things in different cultures, too. You eat a lot of Brazilian food. Vinaigrette is just their name for the vinegary kind of – it's like a pico de gallo that comes with the meats.

Okay, interesting. That's called vinaigrette. And so it kind of means a lot of different things. If you're talking about French vinaigrette, I don't think a hot sauce would qualify because I think it needs an oil. But I do think it's fascinating that like mustard is hot sauce. Sure. There's like a spice component to mustards. I think that's – okay.

And it's simply mixed with vinegar and salt, same as a Louisiana hot sauce. I think mustard is a hot sauce. Yeah, I would agree with that. I agree. I think it has a strong flavor. You add it to stuff to like bump up the taste. I love mustard. And that might be the whitest thing I've ever said is mustard is hot sauce.

It's spicy. You guys take spoonfuls of mustard. My hot dogs are spicy. All right. Kate the Unfunny says, limp bacon is best bacon. I'm okay with crunchy slash slightly crunchy bacon when it's in a burger or a sandwich. I disagree. I didn't grow up eating bacon.

So I've had other loose, limp foods, whereas I think nothing crisps up like bacon. So I want my bacon to be like glass. Ooh. I love a nice, soft bacon. I like my bacon. I lift it, and then it weeps to the side yeah that's my favorite bacon yeah like a like a willow in the breeze i want my bacon to sway poetic uh thank you uh we were talking about turkey i was actually talking to justine editor-in-chief of spork check out spork.com about turkey bacon the other day and then i sometimes crave it because i grew up in a no pork household and so i grew up eating a

lot of turkey bacon um and, you can't get that crispy unless you're like deep frying it for a long time. Or like putting it in the oven. Or putting it in the oven and letting it dehydrate. But then it's turning into jerky. You're not getting like a crispy bacon. And so I kind of appreciate that certain floppy, meaty quality of it.

But it took me a while to get to the point where I like that glassy, pure crunchy bacon that you're talking about. But now I really do. I like my thick bacon to be crunchier and my thinner bacon to be fluffier. I feel that. Interesting. And then like thick ass, like the ones you get from the restaurants, give me that. That's just like unctuous in the middle.

Wow. Love it. All right. At Galaxy Night 18, the hole on top of the hot sauce bottle should be all the same size. Sometimes it's a generous dollop and sometimes it's only a tiny little drop. I don't care if it's for my dollop and sometimes it's only a tiny little drop. I don't care if it's for my protection. Let me burn my mouth off if I want to. I love that. I totally agree. I think everything should be more regulation inside, whether it's like women's pants or

the size of hot sauce lids. Like I think we need to standardize everything so I know what's going on. That's very Soviet of you. Like that was a very Soviet of you. Which I respect a lot. There's a weird side tangent. There's this brand of ice cream called Moloko, which is, I believe, the Russian for milk.

And the Soviets had incredibly strict standards for what constituted ice cream during the Soviet Union. Yeah, that's like a big, you know, standardizing everything is a big, you know, communist thing. And that's the, like, Mendeleev, I believe, standardized what vodka is, which is why vodka can be made out of damn near any grains. He's like, it just must be this percent ether or this percent whatever.

No, it doesn't have to be potatoes. I mean, it can be made out of potatoes. Well, yeah, it can be made out of like whatever the hell you want. So anyways, I'm like obsessed with that concept. But that said, hot sauce, you just take off the rubber thing. You take off the stopper. That's what I do with all my bottles. Yeah.

You open it. You do. You remove the little, like, freshness tab, and then you take a fork, and you just pop it off. And then unsuspecting people like Nicole go to get Tapatio in the work fridge, and a whole mess of it dumps out. But that's on you. Is it on me? Yes. To protect my own faith in myself, yes.

All right. Matt Thalls. my own uh faith in myself yes all right mad thaws battering french fries is a sin against axel mama ink and potato god but tiger sauce is the ultimate fried dipping sauce sometimes a battered french fry does good things like a curly fry yes i'm sorry if i'm disrespecting your ink and potato god but like whatever it's good yeah don't tell me what to do with a potato it's all good and i want it in every variation i can potatoes big potato fan uh this tiger sauce i just googled it it's kind of like a uh hoisin teriyaki sauce but it's more vinegary and there's more pepper to it it's almost like god tiger sauce is so tough

to explain it's very sweet it's almost like a combination of let's say like eastern carolina the vinegar chili sauce and like a1 oh it's it's it's a trip i don't think i've had it before i don't know why it exists what exactly it is it's a little bit whistashiri um it's too thin for fries if but if you like like malt vinegar on fries you probably like tiger sauce i do like malt vinegar a little sweet little spice i'm sure it's good but i'm like mix it with some mayonnaise and then we're done. That's a fry sauce. Oh yeah. I have come to appreciate,

speaking of the Incans, boiled potatoes more. As I aged in life. Yeah, they're good. Yeah, dude, because I made like huancaina, the Peruvian sauce. They typically serve it

on boiled potatoes and I was like, dude, let's put that on fries and I made fries and I was like, this is better on boiled potatoes. Yeah, boiled potatoes are great.

I grew up doing crawfish boils and my favorite part was always the boiled potato that came out of the crawfish boil. It soaks the essence. Oh, so good.

So good. I want some shellfish adjacent corn right now. You're next. Oh, I like this one. At Stormbreaker, when ice cream's too hard

from being in the freezer, it's better to eat it with a fork than with a spoon. A fork can pierce the tough ice cream easier. If it's too frozen from being in the freezer, it's better to eat it with a fork than with a spoon. A fork can pierce the tough ice cream easier. If it's too frozen to melt, you can drag it along the surface to make soft curls. This is actually a really strong opinion that Justine, editor-in-chief of Spork, check out spork.com, has about ice cream. She eats all her ice cream with a fork.

I actually don't have big feelings about this. I would eat ice cream with a fork, a spoon, chopsticks, whatever. I'm kind of just like, I'll eat it. Whatever. I don't feel strongly. At what temperature? Will you eat it rock hard out the freezer? No, I won't. I have very bad weird teeth. Same. Wait, remember the soft teeth club? I think so. Well, what I'll tell

you is half my teeth are fake. My entire top row of teeth are all fake. So, yes, I'm afraid of anything that's too cold, too crunchy, whatever. I enter with caution. So at leisure, I'm having soft serve. Best case scenario. Oh, I love soft serve.

Oh, soft serve is so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's my preferred. I feel like my fiance and I cannot eat ice cream together because she'll eat it rock hard straight out of the freezer and just dig and dig and dig at it with a spoon. Whereas I will microwave it for 12 seconds. Yeah. You know, and then you get this little meltage on the outside that you scoop out, eat your way to the middle.

So the way that we do it is she takes a pint out of the freezer and then she enjoys it for 10 minutes, passes it to me. I let it sit on the coffee table for another 10 and then eat it. I like my ice cream to be a little bit melty on the top. I think it's the best way to taste everything. When it's cold like that, when it's like hard freezer, like cold like that, you don't taste all the nuances

of the ice cream. And honey, I'm eating Jenny's ice cream. And I want to taste the salted peanut butter and I want to eat the fudge flakes. You know what I mean?

I will say a plea for more fancy boy soft serve ice creams. Fancy boy soft serve? Absolutely. Yeah. I want fancy dips. I want like a dip cone,

you know, where you have a shell on it. No. I want fancy. I want like a dip cone, you know, where you have a shell on it. No. I want fancy, I want like a, Too messy. I don't know, like a salted,

malted corn ice cream, you know, dipped in like orange blossom, you know, shell. Sure. Do you guys like

frozen custard? Yes. No. He sucks. How dare you? I'm shocked. I feel like we align With a lot of things

We do You have soft teeth I have soft teeth Yes yes That's about it But too thick for you It's too thick It's

Here's what it is It's warm I want to go down It's not cold enough Because Sorry What? You want to go down?

I'll be down in town On a closing custard Nicole you can go down On whomever you want dude This is Shut up We're living baby Stop embarrassing me on town on a closing custard. Nicole, you can go down on whomever you want, dude. Shut up! We're living, baby. Stop embarrassing me.

We used the term analingus in the podcast for the first time about three weeks ago. I was embarrassed. And how did it go over? I don't know how it went over, but we did it. And we're going to do it again. It's a scientific word. Sure. As long as all parties are into it. The custard is too thick. I love it. And so it melts warm.

There's too much fat in it. And that's what I don't like. I see what you're saying, but I eat it so fast it's not melting. I like it. It's just like soft serve, but thicker. It's soft on my teeth. It's sexier. Yeah, I really like it. And what I'll tell you is every place that does frozen custard, they give me like good mix-ins when you ask for them.

And that's what I want. I can't do some of these brands that are fancy that are like, we do chocolate sparkle or what? I'm like, no, give me a chunk. Give me a big, big thing.

Yeah. Give me a big thing. I will eat frozen custard if it's layered in a bright blue Rita's water ice. Oh, delicious. And there's a Rita's water ice in walking distance from my apartment. Nobody try and triangulate that because you'll find out where I live. We'll talk about this after because I got to talk about it.

Yeah, I grew up with Rita's, but I grew up in Florida. So it was Italian ice, not water ice. Oh, family's from Philly. So I always grew up calling it water ice. Why did I say water ice? It's water ice. It's the Philadelphia accent. They say water.

Water. Water. Water. Rita's water ice. Say it, Nicole. Say it. Say it. Water ice.

Are you guys happy? Okay. Juicy Juice says, best way to eat coated foods, eclairs, donuts, waffles, is topping side down so it hits your tongue first. Game changer. Now to figure out how to eat pizza, cheese, and sauce down. Just do it. It's much more difficult to eat waffles upside down than eat pizza upside down.

I'll take it. I'm just trying to think of like, I have an eclair. Okay. It's very funny to me because an eclair is not like a flavor sensation in my mouth typically. You know what I mean? Like spicy food, I'll do like hot sauce down so it hits my tongue first or something. But an eclair, I'm like, what's hitting your tongue? The solidified chocolate shell? Yeah.

But I'd do it. Why not? I'm trying to think when I eat a burrito I'll like sauce each bite. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. But when I go in I like press my tongue against the sauce.

You go tongue first. I like explore with my tongue and then envelop with the mouth. Wow. Yeah. That's good. Nicole, any comments? No, I just know you

and I'm used to it so it's fine. Oh, on that note thank you for listening to A Hot Dog is a Sandwich. If you want to hear more from us here in the Mythical Kitchen we got new episodes for you every Wednesday. If you want to hear more from us here in the Mythical Kitchen, we got new episodes

for you every Wednesday. If you want to be featured on Opinions Are Like Casseroles, you can hit us up on Twitter at MythicalChef or nhandizada with the hashtag OpinionCasserole.

And for more Mythical Kitchen, check us out on YouTube where we launch new videos every week. What's the name of our show? Mythical Chef. Because I was saying, I was trying to fit

a Spork plug in. Jordan, tell them where they can find you. You can find me at sporked.com and also all over the internet. You can follow me on social media or just look at our website.

We're on TikTok. We're on Instagram. We're on Twitter. We want you to look at us. Look at Jordan and friends. And of course, if you want to share pictures of your dishes, hit us up on Instagram at Mythical Kitchen. We'll see you next time.

Do you guys want to compare feet? Yes! Oh yeah! Perfect! Honestly, these dogs are a-barkin'.