A Hot Dog Is a Sandwich - Fast Food Hacks are Ruining Your Life ft. Jon Gabrus
Episode Date: July 9, 2025Today, Josh and Nicole are joined by comedian and podcast host Jon Gabrus to discuss how some fast food hacks might be going too far – and the differences between "hacks" and "customizing." Chec...k out Jon's podcasts: Staying Alive with Jon Gabrus & Adam Pally ActionBoyz Leave us a voicemail at (833) DOG-POD1 Check out the video version of this podcast: http://youtube.com/@mythicalkitchen To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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This this this this is mythical
All right, check this out. You take french fries you put on some pickled jalapenos some honey and then just a splash of diet
Coca-cola, I call it juicy time. That's
disgusting
This is a hot dog is a sandwich
Yeah, I put ice in my cereal so what that makes no sense hot dog is a sandwich
So what that makes no sense hot dog is a sandwich
Welcome to our podcast a hot dog is a sandwich the show we break down the world's biggest food debates I'm your host Josh Cher and I'm your host Nicole and I 80 and today we have a very special guest joining us for the pod
He's an actor comedian and co-host of the hilariously insightful health podcast staying alive and standout star of one
Yes one episode of the criminally lived
show, Fast Foodies. Please welcome the one, the only, John Gabris.
Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. Fast Foodies was a lot of fun.
I bet.
Bummer. Yeah. Anytime someone's cooking for me, I consider that a real treat.
Do you think they stole that idea from us? Because when we saw that show, no, no, no.
That's why we brought Gabriel's on here.
This whole podcast is going to be how Josh, like,
invented all these things and then it just was disseminated
throughout the world and all that stuff.
No, but I do think...
He did this whole thing because he told me about succession
like 12 years ago.
He's like, they're a super wealthy family.
It's like the Murdochs.
But they're all kind of weird in their own ways.
Yeah, and we're gonna get at least one Culkin in it. I wanted Rory Culkin.
Of course you did. Just slightly off mark there. Yeah, 17 instead of a bullseye, not bad.
Anyways, you have a great new podcast called Staying Alive, so we're going to talk about fast food,
which is one of the better ways to try and not stay alive.
Yeah, but- Or you can make the case that you want to stay alive
to experience more fast food in your life.
I also have a theory that all the preservatives in it,
they're kind of gonna calcify my insides
and preserve them for posterity.
Yeah, yeah, like you'll be immune to nuclear warfare.
100% with you.
Which is inevitable.
Yeah, it's happening.
2034, where are you gonna be?
But no, I wanted to ask you, what are you currently doing to stay alive and why did you decide that, hey, let's start trying?
Well, you're talking about people ripping you off. The one question we ask on our podcast is, what are you doing to stay alive?
To be fair, we have zero segments, zero ideas. So I appreciate you bringing that here.
Me, I'm on a constant finding the balance quest of like, I like to live really hard,
but I also, and play really hard,
but I need to do some stuff to buttress that
as I'm entering my middle-aged years.
And so I try to walk more.
I found that I didn't like,
I always thought nature meant going to the woods,
but now I know that nature could just mean
walking through the suburbs or. Feel that. See the suburbs or moisture yeah just got back from a walk
to the green room yeah he's a little elbow pit sweat I appreciate that
put it on my gums like cocaine I'm higher than mother mother's friend one of my
mother's friend is always very high actually multiple of my mother's friends is always very high.
Actually, multiple of my mother's friends are.
But no, so I'm doing a lot more walking outdoors time, and I'm trying to change my relationship with food.
I'm very treat based, and like food must be a treat, a reward.
So I'm trying to learn more about food as fuel and
then not, you know, there's 21 meals a week. They don't all have to be treats.
That's what I'm learning. So I'm trying to like, you know, choose my battles, if
you will. Even this conversation, as I say it, makes me, shows off how complicated
my relationship with food is. No, but you're not alone. Because the problem is
if you view food as a treat, then you also view withholding it as a punishment
Yeah, I mean like and you're just stuck in this pendulum swim and like eating healthy for like four days in a row
I go like well now I deserve something nasty and it's like that's wrong
I should be enjoying the fact that I'm eating fresh produce and grilled chicken. That's yummy. I it stuff is good
I'm not eating. I'm not eating like, soylent in between meals.
But then it's still like, come Saturday,
I'm like, well it's a Saturday.
There are no salads on Saturdays.
Let's go, let's freaking go.
I think, I mean, we're all food motivated here, right?
We all have the same sickness,
where like, if there was a plate of taquitos in front of us,
you ever see the experiment? Do you have a plate of taquitos in front of us you ever see the
No, okay calm down these are hypothetical taquitos that experiment with the children and the marshmallows. Yeah the marshmallow experiment
Marshmallow test if there was a plate of taquitos in front of us if you offered any of us a hundred dollars to get through the
Podcast episode without eating a taquito. I don't think any of us could do it
I couldn't no, but if you but if you told me I can only have one during the podcast
But if I waited till we wrapped I could have as many as I want we would have the fat be like and check it out
Staying alive every Thursday where we get
Yeah, I I know exactly that I have a tattoo of the word food that's like how much
Wow, that's pretty legit like it's truly. It's the thing that makes me ghost
It's why I like when people are like you love to travel. I'm like cuz I like to eat
Yeah, almost everything I do comes down to I like to eat. Yeah, I only travel so I can get some strange
You know, yeah strange food. Yeah, what's sardinian had a horse incredible. I had a horse at a seaside carnival. Oh, that's rad. That's awesome
It was the best. I also live by the the adage when in Rome
But also if someone ever offers me food that they either made or present to me in any way. I
Refuse to resist so I refuse say, I don't eat blank.
I do not have a thing I do not eat.
Would I prefer not to have raw tomatoes on my sandwich?
Yes.
But do I have a thing I will not eat?
No.
If someone puts something in front of me,
it's like, I made this, I don't even ask what it is.
I'm just like, I'm in.
Like to me, I don't think there's a thing
that's more beautiful than someone giving you food
or making you food.
So like, given that opportunity, you know, I'm gonna raw dog it.
Yeah, thrill seeking behavior. That's great.
Your tattoo that says food on it. One, I did not realize you had that.
Two, it seems like if you prompted AI, like, hey put a food tattoo on my upper right arm.
It would have just come up with that.
Yes, yeah, it was either that or I have a cheesy Gordita crunch on the other shoulder.
Oh my God, that's the best item from Taco Bell.
That's my favorite item as well.
I get it every single time.
You know the tattoo that I really want, right?
You could tell your friend here.
I really want to get, there were a couple ideas, but I really want to get Taco Bell
but in Hebrew.
And so that way I don't speak Hebrew.
But what is it in Hebrew?
Well, it's a phonetic language, so you just kind of like use the alphabet. I could type it into Google Translate
I don't know the names of letters anymore. Okay. Olive vet vet olive vet vet camel doled hay.
This guy is so- You're so Jewish. This guy's so Josh.
Living up to your name. If you want to get a Hebrew tattoo, I know you're not Jewish
But if you would like to get a matching Hebrew tattoo, I think that'd be really cool.
Oh, I think that would be fun might be a little weird for a goy to get some Hebrew letters on.
Growing up such a rabbinical beard right now.
I know. And I'm from Long Island where you're like Jewish by injection.
Sure, yeah.
But my best friend and co-host of Staying Alive, we have matching tattoos of dice,
and also he has the Hebrew word for Adam tattooed on his chest.
Oh.
Which was his first tattoo in a kind of irony of like,
oh, you don't want to bury me in a Jewish cemetery.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a rule that says it doesn't matter.
You can be buried regardless.
Oh, yeah.
I lived in Williamsburg for like five years.
There's loopholes to every Jewish rule.
The amount of things that we've done to get around Shabbat laws.
Yeah, I know.
The line around the city.
Yeah.
Oh, it's like, well well see that rope up there?
If you're inside of it, the rules are different.
You're like, what? This is international waters?
That's Jewish ingenuity right there.
I love it.
God is all-powerful, however, it can be easily tricked.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
God of course left some loopholes.
We should talk about the fast food hacks
that are ruining your life potentially.
Nicole?
All of them.
What's your problem with them?
Because this was, to be frank, this was your idea.
And you were very passionate about it.
So, my problem with fast food hacks is why?
Why do you have to do it?
Like, why do you need to specifically engineer things
all the time to make it palatable for you?
Why can't you just go to a place, order a number two,
and walk away, right?
Because I was always a secret menu girl. Like, every time I'd go to a place, order a number two, and walk away, right? Because I was always a secret menu girl.
Like, every time I'd go to In-N-Out or whatever,
I would always, like, animal style, bun well done,
chilies, yada, yada, yada.
But in reality, if you just get a regular thing that's on the menu
and it's delicious, it kind of scratches that itch.
You don't need to constantly customize and make it tailored to you.
It's not worth it to me, you know?
It's not worth the effort.
Especially when you're at a fast food place.
It just doesn't make sense why you do that fast food thing
where you put, what is it, the Chick-fil-A nuggets
with the Polynesian sauce and the honey and the Chick-fil-A sauce
and you shake it and then you eat it.
I don't understand it and I don't need it.
I think we have two, for me, two separate ideas
are butting up to each other with this
One of which is I'm a paying customer. You're a giant corporation do what I want you to do
And then that but that but exactly that butts up against
You're an employee being criminally underpaid by this giant corporation
And I'm gonna make you go back there and take this off the pre-made sandwich and redo it So it's like this. It's it's a really fine line to walk where I
Know like back in the day when I was a kid the trick was at McDonald's to make one
Slight tweak so they couldn't just grab it off the hot lamp. You'd say like no onion and they back
They gotta like make you a fresh one, right?
And and then I think but IN-Out, in combination with social media has absolutely,
but also I think it made Starbucks insanely popular.
Yeah, like pink drinks and whatnot.
Yeah, cause I think, and I would frown upon
all this BS all the time, but friends of mine
who are real Taco Bell heads, like Nicole,
the app lets you do these customizations that you don't have to do in person.
Yeah. And I think with that in Starbucks...
And the kiosks.
For shy people or for people who are afraid to ask for what they want.
But like when you find these small...
Now, extra well done or extra beans, double meat, like those are all natural.
But it's when people
tweak the item to like something fully different.
It's disrespectful bastardization of the food.
Yeah, that's my problem with it.
I just don't respect people that do that anymore.
And I used to be that person.
But if you do it at home, like you mentioned that
shaking up the chicken nuggets,
if you don't make the employee do that,
then go right ahead and like,
no one's gonna knock the French fry out of your hand
for dipping it in a Frosty at Wendy's.
That's actually the first fast food hack I think that ever existed, by the way.
Was the Wendy's French fry and Frosty, so I'm really glad you brought that up.
But that's not bothering anyone, that's not hurting anyone.
It's whenever you're modifying to the point of insanity,
where it's like, what are you doing with this Frankenstein looking burger
instead of just getting something that's simple,
no nonsense, that's my problem with it all.
And the TikTokification of all of this, you know?
Well, that's the real bummer is that people aren't getting,
going in there and going like,
I want a Big Mac, remove the middle bun
because I think that tastes better.
It's because Addison Rae said it in a dance or whatever.
And I don't know
My problem is when fast food hacks just become synonymous with harassing employees I remember one of the early ones they were like 10 ways to hack the Chipotle menu and one was
Don't ask for a double scoop of chicken when they put the chicken on there to say can I have a little more?
I was like that's just called begging. That's not a fast food hack. That's literally just begging somebody
Yeah, the Chipotle one the Chipotle hacks have like ruined Chipotle 100% and not to mention a person who's making $8 an hour
Standing scooping cauliflower rice, and you're going more
More you actually have to give me more if I say more? You know, like, I hate that crap.
I think with the apps we've gotten in dating and in food order,
we're just so...
In just pure social interaction, you remove the layer.
It's like wearing... It's like eyes wide shut.
It's like wearing a mask and a cloak.
A cool mask.
You can say whatever you want online.
You can... I distinctly have a memory of ordering DoorDash
back in the day when I lived in New York and I was wasted.
And I wrote on the menu and I know this is,
but you can bleep me, I wrote on the receipt it said,
and don't f*** me on the mayo this time.
I typed that into DoorDash.
You like mayo?
I love mayo.
You love mayo.
When it's where it's supposed to be, I love it.
I mean, I can stare an employee in the face and go, don't f*** me on the mail this
time.
I know, but now behind the keyboard, just like when people call me fat in the DMs, they
don't come up to me on the street and say that, but they're happy to let it rip in the
DMs.
Like, actually, for real, brother, I'm worried about you.
I'm like, oh, for real.
Are you?
Are you actually?
So I wrote an article like nine years ago that you just jogged my memory on
It was when Starbucks was doing all the pink drink purple drink thing and it exploded and I wrote an article called brown
Drink is Starbucks newest mega mega popular almost exactly nine years ago. It's June
2016 that's stylized photos of three different brown drinks and wrote hashtag brown drink on a cup
And then I went into my local Starbucks the day after and they were like
Are you the reason we have people asking for brown drink? Oh, I was like yes a famous
Nobody read la mag comm but a famous drag queen at the time posted on their Facebook and it went viral
And so I already is brown drink bro. It's a joke. It's coffee Nicole. Oh Jesus Christ
It's a joke, it's coffee, Nicole! Jesus Christ!
I thought maybe you put like a squirt of caramel in there.
The brown drink is the world's most popular drink!
Hot bean water!
That Starbucks has been selling!
I thought you were going to be a little bit more creative than that, Josh.
This poor Starbucks employee was like,
I've had people asking me for brown drink,
and they don't know what it is,
and I don't know what it is, so I don't know what to give them.
And I go, I don't know what to tell you,
but I'm sorry, this was never supposed know what to give them." Oh, man. And I go, I don't know what to tell you, but I'm sorry.
This was never supposed to make it out of our dying readership.
Yeah, this was supposed to be a dumb tongue-in-cheek thing, but of course, dumb readers be dumb
listeners be dumb customers.
Yeah.
Didn't you invent the McGangBang?
I didn't know.
No, no, no.
I did not invent the McGangBang.
I made an artisanal version of the McGangBang called the McConsensual Group Sex Burger.
Oh! The McGangBang, I think, is what we ate on Fast Foodies on my episode.
Oh, was it really?
Yeah, because it was like, is that where it's like the chicken sandwich and on a Big Mac?
McChicken inside a McDouble.
Yes.
Yeah, so you kind of create, uh-huh.
Yeah, because it was someone like Saweetie, a rapper like Saweetie.
Yes, I know Saweetie, yes, yes, yes.
She was the one who talked about it first or something, but we couldn't call it the make gangbang on the show
Yep. Yeah, but I that's a good that's a that's a hack that you don't make someone else do
That's all that matters to me. Yeah. Well, so but there was another popular McDonald's one that another thing
you like shouldn't really say so I'm gonna call it like the
Economically underserved area Big Mac. Yeah, So in the economically underserved area, Big Mac.
What?
Well, no, the...
What are you talking about?
The infrastructurally unserved...
Just say it!
No!
No, it's a bad word, trust me.
Can you slack it to me?
We're not going to slack it to you.
It rhymes with one of the two Mythical Morning Host names.
It's Redo and Link.
I don't get it! Oh, I get it! I got it, I got it, I got it!
I couldn't be more...
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
You would get a McDouble at the time, which was a dollar, which was McDonald's lost money for every McDouble you thought,
because you can't sell it for that much, so they would make money on the drinks and fries.
But you would get a McDouble for a dollar, and at the time, a Big Mac costs like $3.49.
Same amount of beef, they're almost the same ingredients-ish.
So you would ask for a plain McDouble
Sorry, you get two McDouble or sorry a McDouble and a McChicken because then you get the lettuce from the McChicken
And then you would ask for Big Mac sauce on the McChicken
Yeah
So then you would slide the Big Mac sauce lettuce and one of the McChicken buns into the McDouble thus creating
Something phenotypically identical to a
Big Mac, and then you're left with an open-faced chicken sandwich for $2 as
opposed to $3.49 for just a Big Mac. Oh man. Right? Smart. Very smart. I'm a big
fan of that. McDonald's caught on. So they says, all right, you want Big Mac sauce?
$2.50. Side of sauce? $2.50. You want a you want muscle from a cow that we cut out and ground up
That's only a dollar, but you want to side of this little sauce that cost eight cents to make that's two bucks
Oh, that's crazy. That's unfair. Asking for mac sauce on the side in
1994 was mind-blowing to me when someone's like watch this
Can I have a side of mac sauce and person's like sure and just puts it like it's not a big deal
And then we're like we could dip fries in Mac sauce.
And it's like, hey, is this Thousand Islands?
And I was like, yeah, you dummies.
No ketchup.
It was like, there's no ketchup in it.
Oh.
No ketchup in special sauce.
Paprika.
There's paprika.
Paprika extract and then mustard.
Mm, I love me some Mac sauce.
I do too, man.
I love that.
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Hi, this is Deb Perlman.
And I'm Kenji Lopez-Altz.
On our podcast, The Recipe with Kenji and Deb, we share the basic building blocks of
recipes so that you can learn everything you need to create your own perfect recipe.
Yes, and let's get real. Not only do we share our know-how,
we also share our opinions.
And if you think that there's no right way
to cut a sandwich, you are wrong.
There is definitely a right way
and a wrong way to cut a sandwich.
That is everyone's way but mine.
From PRX's Radiotopia,
it's The Recipe with Kenji and Deb.
Out now on your favorite podcast platform.
Are there any fast food hacks that you actually do in your day to day life?
When's the last time you both ate fast food?
Let's out each other.
Well, now that I'm pregnant, I eat Taco Bell like once.
How often do I eat Taco Bell?
I eat Taco Bell so much.
That's increased with pregnancy.
Yeah.
Congratulations on the Taco Bell consumption.
I'm not a kid guy. Thank you.
But I'm glad you're having way more Taco Bell.
I eat it like once every two weeks now.
Hell yeah.
I believe they call that either.
I think you can call that bimonthly and biweekly
due to the stupidity of that definition.
So I have it bimonthly and biweekly.
And god, what do I do?
The only thing I do is I get a cheesy gordita crunch,
and then I get the seven layer beef burrito.
I take out the rice and I tell them to put potatoes in it.
Thank you.
So that's what I do.
And I like it and Baby likes it too.
Oh, hell yeah.
You can justify anything now just going,
the baby likes it, he talks to me.
Literally whatever I want to eat.
It's for the baby.
Ma'am, can you hurry up?
It's for the baby.
I need two McGang It's for the baby. Ma'am, can you hurry up? It's for the baby.
I need two Mcgangbangs for my baby.
So that's, I would say I had that maybe like four days ago.
I had that exact meal four days ago.
And I get a side of water like a dummy.
Oh, I like that though.
That's like the, because soda is nasty.
I don't, I love it.
I love full sugar soda.
Me too, but it's just not something you need in your life.
I feel like if I'm eating talk about,
I wanna feel crap because I'm eating talk about,
not because I'm having a full sugar soda.
You know what I mean?
I am, Nicole, I am 100% involved in this here
because that is my move, a side of water.
I just drank all my Celsius energy drink
so I have nothing to cheers with.
Good.
Gosh, you gotta stop.
I'm worried about your heart.
Yeah, we were just talking about that.
Not emotionally, but actually your heart.
You're worried about it emotionally too, trust me.
My last fast food, I just was on the road
with the Doughboys podcast on tour,
so that kind of sets you down a path
where you're gonna be having it.
And we had McDonald's at a rest stop in Connecticut
at like one in the morning.
And I'm not a fast food person.
I much prefer to eat other types of food.
But I do love Taco Bell.
I am lucky to live in a city where
you can get late night food that isn't fast food if you want.
But a truck stop in the middle of the night
is what fast food is made for.
So I had my go-to move of a, well,
we had talked about Big Macs so much in the previous show
that I had to get a Big Mac, not a traditional order of mine. but I got a Big Mac and a side of 10-piece nugs.
Yes.
With honey.
What's the sauce? Oh, you do honey!
That's so... You're so Kim Kardashian right now.
We are so... We have so much in common. We both made our break into the industry in the same way.
Wealthy parents and a proclivity for moving on. It's a family show.
What about you, Josh? What's your last fast food indulgence that you had? wealthy parents and a proclivity for moving on. It's a family show.
What about you, Josh?
What's your last fast food indulgence that you had?
Oh, I thought you were talking about if I broke into the industry.
No, I know how you broke in.
Don't worry about it. I know how you did it.
It was somewhat similar.
Some key details changed.
But I went to Taco Bell after a show.
We did not eat dinner.
Went to another heavy music show.
Shout out to House of Protection.
They really did a great job with the Roxy.
New album is out now.
But I didn't eat anything before,
and so I was in there, throwing those in the mosh pit,
I left my car keys in my cargo pocket,
and someone fell into them,
and I kinda stabbed myself a little bit,
so I'm dealing with that.
But anyways, you kinda beat up, you're sweaty,
you need Taco Bell to replenish,
and so I went through the drive-through,
if I'm on the app, I'll customize,
cause they ask you to customize,
you can just add their orange mayonnaise to anything you want
Oh, it makes every item better. Do you ever go to the kiosks?
No, I've become a kiosk
So ashamed of the need social regulation. We need to stare somebody in the eye and go I need that
I'd like a burrito with your liquid cheese and liquid beef
I can't and I want you to put mayonnaise in that also. Bro, I need that, and then I need Taco Bell
to send an employee home with me and watch me eat.
Because I don't think there's anything more disgusting
than how I eat alone.
The amount, like there's no one to go like, whoa.
You know, like if my wife's out of town,
there's no one to go like,
I hear that you're having trouble breathing
and you're grabbing more Cinemonda lights.
And I'm like, grr, grr, hey, job on, oh, bye bye.
Is I like stuff more rolled quesadillas in my mouth.
Like an English bulldog after eight years old.
I'm laying on an ice pack, fuck, shirt off, tarp out,
just hammering down Taco Bell.
It's my dream.
Right, right.
I have an interesting scenario in my home life because my wife grew up in a town where
they banned fast food.
You might know it.
You ever been to Great Neck, Long Island?
Yes.
They're familiar.
Great Neck North or Great Neck South?
Is your wife Jewish or Asian?
She was just telling me about this.
I had no idea. She's Jewish. She's just telling me about this. Yeah.
I had no idea.
She's Jewish.
She's North.
Yeah.
Yeah.
GNN is a Jewish town.
How close?
GNN is all Asian.
And not only Jewish, mostly Persian Jewish.
Yes.
So she's a blonde haired, blue eyed Jew.
And she's like, I was one of three blondes in my high school.
That's amazing.
I'm like, that's incredible.
How far do you grow up from that?
I'm probably like 25 minutes.
Everything's 25 minutes away on Long Island.
I'm from like a blue collar Italian and Irish town
and Jewish town.
Every town is a little Jewish on Long Island.
But I always, I talk about this with Long Island.
It's people talk about it as being sort of like
very non-diverse and it's not, it's extremely diverse
but not within individual neighborhoods.
Like you go to a black neighborhood, a Spanish neighborhood, Persian neighborhood and all all nationalities are represented on Long Island
We just don't live with each other
We go one town over that's the black school
Yeah, oh
Kid wait to go see a football game there. Oh hell yeah, we played against GNN when I was at Mepum High School. Yeah
My glory days. I was terrible. I'm not better now, but I was terrible then. 25 years ago
Why are we talking about this? They had to drive into Queens for fast food. Yeah
And so also from Beverly Hills, and they also outlawed it in Beverly Hills. You have a fat burger. That doesn't count
Yeah, yeah, there's no drive-thru. Continue. Yeah, so she didn't grow up with fast food So she like never developed a taste for it, you know. So she didn't grow up with fast food.
So she never developed a taste for it.
And she didn't grow up eating super healthy.
They kept desserts in the house constantly.
And so I've had to learn to deal with that.
Because for me,
I would have to not have any food
within a 30 foot radius of me
if I wanted to not eat it.
We were not a fast food family either,
and it wasn't, we were poor,
and like we didn't have no fast food in our neighborhood,
but I think my parents looked down on fast food,
but we would eat at like Friendly's Outback TJ,
like we would eat at Fast Cash,
more relentlessly, but my mom and dad would be like,
it's a nice sit down place.
Yeah, sure.
That was important to them.
I'm not going to eat it fast.
But every once in a while, some sort of marketing would get through to one of my parents and
it would just work.
And here's the most specific one I remember.
McDonald's when the animated Hercules Disney musical came out.
The plates.
Yeah.
Well, I don't remember the plates, but I remember triple cheeseburger was 99 cents
Get the hell out of here
And my dad, my dad didn't know what they were calling me. He'd always be like
Jody, you want to get the car and go get them some of them Herc burgers?
And we'd be like we're gonna get Herc burgers
And we would go my dad would just buy like one two three four five
So I ate Herc burgers and the guy's like the what?
The triple cheeseburger that'll be eight dollars and fifty one cents, you know
Hey that feed a full family ID. I was eating six patties like that's too much for a kid
That's well I so I grew up eating almost exclusively fast food similarly poor
But we were in Orange County, which is just the land of change
Yeah, and so my dad would be like working a late night
He like drove a limo after working at a car wash.
And me and my brother would just have like a $10 bill
on the table and be like, figure out dinner.
So he'd be like, okay, five McDoubles, five McChickens.
We're gonna find the tax money in the couch.
And that was just dinner.
Not only that, they had a special where it was something
like four cheeseburgers for a dollar every Sunday.
It was something insane. And so we would go and it was like limit, you know, 10. four cheeseburgers for a dollar every Sunday.
It was something insane.
And so we would go and it was like limit, you know, 10.
And so my brother would get 10, my dad would get 10,
I'd get 10.
We'd put them in the freezer.
And I just, anytime I wanted a McDonald's cheeseburger,
I'd just pop it in the microwave.
My goodness.
And so for me, the- The dream freezer,
you open up a freezer just full of McDonald's burgers.
A monkey paws wish if there ever were one.
Because boy, the pre-diabetes at 10 didn't look too good on that.
Oh my goodness, Chris.
That's a legit amount of sodium enough to like, when you get cut open for bees to come
out or something like that.
So the original fast food hack is just like, grow up poor and then that's all you can eat
and then you microwave them and then you put a sweet chili hot sauce from the 99 cent store on it because that was my move.
That worked for you.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I had an Arby's dad and a McDonald's salad mom.
So, fast food was very ominous to me.
I never knew I was getting fast food when I was getting it because my dad would sneak it
and my mom would be like, oh, it's a salad.
So fast food was always, it was oddly taboo and it was something I never experienced as
a kid until I was conscious enough to know I was experiencing it.
So for fast food, now that I'm older, now that I'm 32, it's such a treat.
It is a treat for me.
It's not a daily thing for me at all, but it is so, it's like special for me.
I'm like, hey David, you want to go to Taco Bell?
Hey David, you want to go to McDonald's?
And the answer's always maybe.
Yeah, that's a good answer.
The answer's always maybe, which makes me sad,
but I've learned to accept it.
You don't say no to a pregnant woman, you say maybe.
He says no a lot.
Oh, okay.
Well David, let's be careful.
Yeah, tell him, tell him to.
Tell him to be better.
You're like, oh yeah, here's my husband now.
It's like six foot six martial artist.
I'm like, oh nevermind, I'm dead.
Neither of those things.
If it's like such a special occasion though,
don't you want to customize it, Nicole?
Don't you want to like take matters into your own hands?
Don't you want to say that me and the baby are not going to accept
that this billion dollar corporation told me
should be on this item and I am going
to do everything in my power to optimize this.
This is the cold plunges. This is the infrared saunas. This is the tanning of the taint of the fast food world.
You have to optimize everything.
I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty, but I do believe that there is a small difference between customizing and hacking.
I think hacking makes you like an a-hole, but customizing doesn't.
Does that make sense?
It's a fine line to walk.
And you don't know when you've stepped into hack a-hole territory until you have done
it.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Who is the one that decides that?
You?
The watchman.
I can't be left with that kind of responsibility.
And who watches them?
I can't be left with that kind of responsibility.
So I'd rather just relinquish all control
and just leave it to the big shiny board in front of me.
Now I think that's a wonderful way to look at it because that's, they know what they're
doing.
They've got the best science minds in the world working on making their food better
and more addictive.
Exactly, what do I know?
What, I want a little spicy?
Whatever, who cares?
But I think like asking for a sauce on the side or double beans
Or if it's in the app where you're like
Oh, I could add lettuce to my beefy five layer that or add potatoes to my beefy five layer
I think that's all good when you start doing the things that require more labor of your fellow person
Yeah, your fellow worker is across from you and they are gone and you're like and yeah stir it. Thank you
More, please. That's when you've crossed a lot
Yeah
Here's how I think you you you guys are I have a theory now if you cannot
Comfortably say it to an employee space then that's a hack if you can comfortably say it to the employees face
Then you're just asking for customization
Okay, cuz I did once walk into a Chipotle with a side of just french fries that I got
from like a Five Guys across the street and I was like, can you put this in my rito instead
of rice?
And I asked them that to their face and they were like, no, not at all.
I can't do that.
Yeah, that's a health code.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, like there's no, they can give the world E. coli, trichinosis, and norovirus.
They won't put french fries in my burrito kind of country.
America is too litigious. You can walk out of there and go like,
I don't know why they gave me this. I choked and I died. Those jerks.
I will say the best scenario though is if you have a buddy that works at a fast food establishment.
I had a friend that worked at Cold Stone, and I would bring baklava from the
Greek diner across the street.
Do you mean girl?
What?
Do you mean girl that you went out with?
High school, yeah.
I changed it to friend, because I feel like I've talked about ex too much.
It's okay, continue.
You know what I mean?
I'm sorry.
She was also a friend that happened to be a girl that's now married to an army guy.
She knows too many of my...
But we used to like bring random things and she would just mix them in at Goldstone and that baklava ice cream is still the best thing I've ever had oh yeah having a friend that works at a store like that's a dream
I had a buddy who worked at Starbucks, but but I wasn't drinking coffee at the time because I was a kid
I was like 18 or 17, but what I would do is order a coffee and in my bag
He'd put one of the espresso machines, and then we'd sell them on eBay
He would put like the metal mug whatever was like the expensive gifts that Starbucks used to have around like CDs and stuff
He would just drop it in my Michael Buble Christmas CD. Yes, I would just I would just get things that we would then sell illegally
So we've learned that there's a difference between customization, hacks, and then crime.
Yeah, some of it is straight up crime.
But adding tots to your burrito is not a crime.
It's just an a-hole move.
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Alright, Nicole and John, we've heard what you and I have to say.
Now it's time to find out what other wacky eddies are rattling out there in the universe.
It's time for this segment we call...
Opinions are like casseroles!
I like this thing on the pod.
Yeah, it's sort of a vehicle for Nicole to, it's kind of like our X Factor, the voice.
Thank you.
No one's come, any producers come calling yet?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Wings of voice.
Maybe some people are trying to poach me for singing.
Maggie!
Let's get that for the Minion.
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't expecting that as an answer. Hi, my name is Patty. I'm calling
because I just wanted to share this weird food hack. It's probably awful for me that
I've been doing. I really like sour food. And I'm just really not into fruit lately.
I don't know what's wrong with me. But I've been making and I'm just really not into fruit lately. I don't know what's wrong with me. Um, but
I've been making and I've been really craving candy all the time, but that's not good for
me, right? I'm old. I'm 30. Um, fresh fruit. I've been putting malic acid, you know, straight
from the can. Plastic container on anything. And oh my God, It's so good. It's not sure good. You know, that's like
Sour to talk things you see ten times better and a hundred times cheaper. Oh, yeah
My weird food thing I've been doing
Let me know what you think. Have a good day. Bye
Wow, your guys reaction makes me realize I don't think I've ever had malik
triggered my acid reflux on a very specific way.
Malic acid is literally just a form of acid that is like, what do you call it whenever
you take a molecule and you take it out?
Josh!
What?
What do you call it when you take a molecule and take it out?
I don't know.
That wasn't descriptive at all. Can you refine your question? No! You should know what I'm talking about!
I'm sorry. Whatever! It's just like it's like it's like the most it's like
tartaric acid, malic acid, and citric acid are the acids that we consume that
we're allowed like... And malic is the strongest. I think tartaric is actually
stronger than malic. Is it? I think I think so Google it I don't want to make
Google it Maggie help Maggie help
Maggie when you address the coating on the outside of a warhead
Thank you, Maggie
The coating on the outside of a warhead that's just like dusted up malic acid okay
And I did a video with somebody to try and test how you can like remedy sour foods
And we just ate straight malic acid and I couldn't eat for like three days after
Because I like just literally burned a hole in my tongue. It was like that scene in Fight Club
Tartaric acid is stronger than malic
What do you say Nicole? I'm sorry Maggie your value
John you deserve everything it produces more hydrogen ions in solution
for the same amount. It takes the molecule out of the molecule. Yeah! Come on guys!
You host the podcast now I'm a... Read a book! My god! Another one? I already read one. It's called the Bible.
It's called the red badge of courage. Anyway, putting malacastan on fruit.
So it does taste like candy because it literally just reminds you of warheads, cause that's what it is.
So I understand why people are doing this thing. It is also, I think you have like a worm that's causing a nutritional deficiency.
Cause you're like, I don't know why suddenly I think of fruit and I get disgusted.
It's cause whatever worm you have inside you, like probably will be killed by a little bit of vitamin A.
And so...
The worm is in your brain and in your taste centers and affecting
Your decision-making process well, it's kind of like you know how a worm will be have a molecule and you can take them the molecule
We have like one minute left in the
We have like one minute left in the podcast.
You rebounded quick on Malik.
I would say, hey, if it's making you eat more fruit,
and I don't know if Malik acid is good for you or not,
but if it's in things, it can't be.
It just feels like any time you take something that is like,
this is known from being on something called nuclear warheads.
Like, if you take that and add it too much into your diet,
I feel like that's always an issue.
We also need to explain her reaction
to the voicemail message. We recorded a voicemail message that just said, hey, welcome to a hot dog and a sandwich,
please leave your...
But we did a silly take.
You know how you do silly takes?
And that's the one they used.
And that's the one they used.
And it was as if it were a phone sex hotline.
We did a silly take and then we did a sexy take and they picked the sexy take.
That's right.
The silly take was...
Borat!
Borat voice.
And then the sexy take was as if it were a phone sex out and they and you guys ran with sexy
Me I'm sorry
I wouldn't put malic acid on my fruit, but I would put tahini on it which has citric acid in it
So maybe you should put tahini on it. If you are having trouble eating fruit
Drinking it is a great way. I mean, it's not the most ideal to consume it, but fruit juice be ripping, you know? Like, you can't
eat it and you can't drink it. There's only one more way to consume it and you're not
gonna like, smoke it! Free-basing, yeah. Hey, I've smoked banana peels. They were, I was told they
would get me high. They were wrong. Let's try saffron. Let's go. It's pretty
expensive, more expensive than weed. I know.
It's the irony.
Ooh, spicy.
Hey, Josh, Nicole, and Meggie.
I just wanted to hear your guys' opinion on the spectrum of how people spice their food.
My fiance is very big on using chili powder and chili flakes, where I myself am a hot
sauce man.
See, I'd like to think that I'm going to make the vinegar and the powders and the chili
flakes, they don't give as much flavor as the hot sauce does.
I think hot sauces and powders need to be used on a very case-by-case basis.
You would never put, as Louise Guzman said next to get on continental waiting
to Racha on a chipotle bowl and you wouldn't put
cappuccino on
your California roll
Yes, I was one here. What you guys think thanks. That's interesting
Well hot sauce food pairings. I have he kind of that was like six questions in one. Thanks. Bye. That's interesting. Little hot sauce food pairings. I have, he kind of, that was like six questions in one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because the first answer I have is, I say, I like it a little spicy, but white boy spicy,
depending on the restaurant I'm at.
Because, you know, a Southeast Asian person or a South Asian person will like raise an eyebrow at you
and you're like, no, no, no, no, no. No, I am clearly gringo energy. Please don't kill me
But I am a huge fan of hot sauce
specific hot sauces for specific things. Yeah
My question for you guys is what is your most versatile hot sauce?
I mean, let's answer this guy's questions too because I'm of the place of like sriracha is for Asian food, you know, tapatios for South American, Central
American food. Again, I think some of them are interchangeable but for me I think
the most universal hot sauce is crystal. That's my favorite most. It's like a
Louisiana kind of hot sauce because I think it needs to be an eggs-based hot
sauce in addition to whatever else you know I mean because oh
Sorry, not a hot sauce made of eggs a hot sauce that works well on eggs
And I think crystal along with Frank's and a few others weren't really well
So if you if you had one hot sauce like to live yeah, it would be crystal
Um I think they made an astute observation here talking about how sometimes you don't actually want the spice you want acid and you want salt
Right, right. So if you literally just had salted vinegar, which people look at like the Brits weird for just having malt vinegar on a table
That's just like a salt which is a delicious
It's so good and it's one of the most British things ever. It's hot sauce without any spice
The whitest colonial shit you can ever come up with. But like, ironically, so, um, mustard is...
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1550s you know so a lot of time was spent of people just being like I want vinegar and I want salt figured out
Ways to make that happen. That's what he's figured out also chili powder in the quantities that people use it does not add spice to anything
You know what I mean? You watch Food Network?
You mean CHILI powder or
Yeah, okay. Ground up chili.
But it's just sold under the name chili powder.
Nebulas. Rachel Ray going,
I like a little bit of heat, and putting in
a quarter of a quarter of a teaspoon.
How many teaspoons is that?
A sixteenth.
Am I right?
Yeah, good job. The baby's gonna be smart.
That does nothing to your food, right? Yeah, good job. The baby's gonna be smart that does nothing
Yeah Arizona gunslinger jalapeno would be my number one hot sauce that I would put on anything similar to crystal just three ingredients
However, it's red jalapenos that they kept the pulp in so it's got a nice little chunk to it
So it sits on a burrito really nicely. Oh, I like that. I like that
So I'm gonna answer your question first my favorite hot sauce of all time is el yucateco chunk to it so it sits on a burrito really nicely. Oh I like that. I like that. It mounts.
So I'm going to answer your question first.
My favorite hot sauce of all time is El Yucateco XXXtra Chile Habanero Hot Sauce.
It's brown.
It's so good.
I know this brand, Yucateco.
I like their hot sauces but I can't go above like three X's.
Except in shirts and pants.
Are the X's like, is that I don't know viable reading quantity
I'm reading the the the the grocery list from Instacart. So yeah
Um, I listen I right now me and my husband his our house
Our house is filled with like at any time like 20 hot sauce or hot sauce adjacent products in our fridge or pantry and
He puts sriracha on his kebab, like he's nuts.
He doesn't care, he loves all kinds of spice all over.
He has, at any time he's eating like four different
hot sauce bottles on the table.
So I'm fine with mixing and matching my hot sauces.
I think Sriracha's more versatile than our caller
made it sound too.
I think Sriracha's a little more,
cause that one's an interesting texture too,
so I think it just works on more things.
But again, they're after salt and vinegar.
That's what they really want.
Sriracha does not, it's not that salty,
it's not that vinegary.
Right, right, right.
And then also like we have chili crisp on everything.
We have like, I put el yucateco on everything
from eggs to pasta to whatever.
But with this, I mean, I don't know.
If I were you, I would just try to,
you know what I would tell them to do?
I would try your own mix of like vinegar, salt,
and a little bit of chili pepper and see if you like that.
It's called, what is it called?
Chili pepper water?
Is that?
I would make my own chili pepper water
and see how you like that on like a panoply of foods
and go from there.
And listen, I love chili flakes.
I put chili flakes on almost everything I make at home,
but it is a kind of, it's like a cop-out thing.
You just throw in there.
It doesn't really make that much of a difference
unless you're topping your food with it.
That's how I feel.
The Sriracha thing's interesting.
Sriracha on a California roll,
because you would think it would make sense of just like,
well, Sriracha's Asian, Japan. Yeah, when he said that, I was grossed out by that. He said tapatio on a ch roll, because you would think it would make sense of just like, well, sriracha is Asian, Japan is Asian.
Yeah, when he said that, I was grossed out by that.
He said tapatio on a...
No, he said you wouldn't put sriracha on a burrito and you wouldn't put tapatio on a
California roll, implying that...
But also spicy tuna rolls are generally made with sriracha, right?
That's the spice in a spicy tuna roll.
Yeah, because it's sriracha mayo.
Sriracha's from Irwindale, California like sir. I just from like 30 miles east of here
Yeah, it was like a via a dead Chinese
Vietnamese
Immigrant to America roughly basing a sauce using Mexican peppers off of something he had in Thailand once yeah, right
Like it's a it's a really awesome incredible story
And it's an incredible product, but the idea that like there's some sort of link between sriracha in Japanese food
Absolutely not yeah, I just don't think hot sauce on sushi in any way like I'll take my heat via wasabi or
Via the spicy man. Yuzu kosho. I love yuzu kosho
Yuzu kosho is saltier than it is spicy than it is
Vinegary fermenting the idea of a hot sauce is like a very American thing like a the vinegary
You know put it in a bottle and shake it on, you know, shaking it all over.
You know, but like chili paste, right?
Kosho's in Japan, right? A nice little paste.
Sambal's in Indonesia, it's all paste. Chili oil, stuff like that, you know?
So like, it's a very American export.
One more. Maggie, one more. Come on, Maggie.
Come on, come on. Fine. Hi guys, this is a tusk thing too. I am a newer fan to the channel to the show
Lately just sitting aside. I have been looking into
melding some Brazilian dishes maybe doing a little bit of fijoada
Persian or ash, which I thought you guys would find interesting but the reason that I'm calling today Maybe doing a little bit of fijuada as a Persian Quresh,
which I thought you guys would find interesting.
But the reason that I'm calling today, for years,
I have thought that the practice of doing
the horizontal cut when chopping an onion is useless.
Looking at the cell structure of how onions are segmented,
it doesn't make sense to do the horizontal slices. 100%. 100%.
So, I've stopped doing it. My onions look the same. What do you guys think? Love to
hear from you.
The onion is already designed. When you, do you know what he's talking about?
Explain to me which horizontal cut you're referring to. Because I usually, when I chop an onion, I cut the hairy nipples off,
and then I cut it the other way,
through the hairy nipples.
And then I have two nipple-less breasts
that I place down on the chopping block,
and I cut it that way.
And my-
But how do you, if you were to dice the onion,
what would your steps be?
My steps would be,
make a bunch of small C's then go the other way.
Small C's?
I'd love to see.
Like if the onion is going this way, I'd slice it along those.
Oh, so you're talking about...
You're fully cutting it.
Do you do the thing where you leave the end intact?
No, he cuts the hairy nipples off.
Yeah, I cut those off.
Well, you can cut them off, but then you can still leave you can still make incisions with the knife
But still leave part of the onion intact. You don't need to keep the root on
To like do the brunoise cut
Do you think he's doing this person's like the bruise? No, I think that's what they're talking about
Yeah, because because typically so typically what chefs would say to do if you're dicing an onion is cut the hairy nipples off
Bicec to the breasts as you were talking about.
But then you would make one horizontal cut
to sort of like get it in half.
Ah, okay, I see what you're saying.
And then you score the other way in a 90 degree angle,
and then when you run your knife through,
it just falls into little shards.
That's how I do it.
That's how I do it.
But that horizontal cut, the onion is already layered
so that when you're making that final cut,
the onions are separating themselves
into those individual layers.
The horizontal cut is, if anything,
just adding less uniformity to it.
Just one horizontal cut?
I do two horizontal cuts.
Some people do two.
I do two.
Two will get you smaller.
And I get smaller ones.
This I'm intrigued by.
I've never thought this closely about it.
You know what I mean? I'm not I'm not constantly prepping meals
But I do have to chop onions every once in a while, but this seems like yeah
I usually go I make a bunch of C's and then go across
So dude see see see yeah the letter C. Yeah. Yeah. Yes like the letter
Luna Meta Luna like down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a rainbow
Yeah, gotcha, and then you just run the knife through the opposite way Metzaluna, Metzaluna. But like down. Yes, yes, a rainbow. And he makes rings. Yeah.
Gotcha.
And then you just run the knife through the opposite way
and then turn to all sports.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Honestly, I'm going to tell you to do something.
Just buy the choppers.
Buy the Good Grips vegetable chopper.
Don't think about it too much.
People think too much about things.
Just chill.
We live in 2025.
Josh, relax.
Yeah, the baby's running.
Yeah, you built a whole podcast around thinking too much
Just buy the chopping machine so everything is uniform on the same and you don't have to think too much and then know what that
Way you can cook faster. Are those annoying to clean though for us non dishwasher heads? No
You know
The holes no, they're fine. Okay. I see you feel like you're lying
They say they say those voices go up a little when they lie
It's easy to do and honestly sometimes when you just don't want to like cut with a knife and a board the choppers
Yeah, I mean cleaning a knife and a board is not ideal either. Yeah
Now you can say what you say. I'm intrigued by this feijoada-Joreste situation.
Yeah.
Have you ever had feijoada?
No. I mean maybe, describe to me what it is.
It's a Brazilian like black bean stew with like all the different parts of pork.
Yes, then I have had that. As a matter of fact, I've never made it, but
Bossanova, a little place in my neighborhood, they have it, and that over white rice,
it rips for me, big fan.
It's like a hangover cure, it's just so good.
Say the name again.
Fasiuada.
What does that look like spelled?
F-E-I-J-O-D-A.
You missed an A after the letter.
Whatever.
Well yes, I've had it, I've just never said it out loud,
like Hermione, you know?
Oh, talk about Hermione, my childhood crush. Yeah, I called never said it out loud like Hermione, you know
Talk about Hermione. Yeah, I called her Hermione when until I saw the movies and I was like whoops well on that note Thank you so much for joining us at a hot dog as a sandwich and gabris. Thanks so much for sitting down today
Thanks for having me. I love pedantic arguments on podcasts
It's kind of what I built my entire brand on whether it's staying alive my health and wellness podcast, or Action Boys, my action movie podcast, where he covers films from the 70s, 80s, and 90s.
God, what a great era.
And then Bloodsport, then Raise.
That was my moral compass growing up.
Never seen it, never heard of it.
Don't plan on watching it.
If you want to be featured on opinions by cast roles,
hit us up at 833-DOG-POD-1.
We'd love to hear your voice.
But it stars famous Taiwanese bodybuilder Bolo Leung.
Oh my God!
I have to watch it now.
Oh my God.
Chong Li, Chong Li, Chong Li, Chong Li.
I can do it too.
And if you want to watch more Mythical Kitchen,
I just can't.
But that's for the Patreon only.
I just can't, yeah.
More Mythical Kitchen on YouTube,
you know the deal, check it out.
You can't have that.
It's not worth it.
No, save that for the big bucks behind the paywall.